DR. HARLEQUIN,
Or,
THE IMAGINARY AUTOPSY
by Marco Luly
characters
Dottore, doctor in medicine Pantalone, his friend Laura, wife of Dottore Isabella, daughter of Dottore Colombina, servant in the house of Dottore Lelio, son of Pantalone Arlecchino, servant of Lelio Capitano, foreigner soldier Zanni, villain Hand Servant
Prompter
0 Pre-Pre-Prologue Everyone
ALL: warm-up improve, crossing SR // SL, never leaving Dottore alone. DOTTORE: 5 min. to places. ALL: Thank you five.
(Dottore exits. HS. & P. enter )
HAND SERVANT Unbelievable. PROMPTER Ridiculous. HAND SERVANT Preposterous. PROMPTER Impossible. HAND SERVANT Orazio is an imbecile, how does he expect us to buy 11 costumes with a budget of $23 dollars. PROMPTER ( pulling a quarter from his pocket ) $23 and a quarter. HAND SERVANT You found a quarter? PROMPTER Yeah. HAND SERVANT Gimme that. PROMPTER With that little money, we could only rent them. HAND SERVANT Well at lest were set for tonight. PROMPTER What about tomorrow? HAND SERVANT I don’t know. PROMPTER Maybe they can do the show naked, we’ll sell more seats. HAND SERVANT I don’t know about that: have you seen the girls in the show? PROMPTER 11 costumes… HAND SERVANT …and on top of that… S & PROMPTER …A MONKEY! HAND SERVANT Where are we going to find a monkey? PROMPTER Maybe we can get one from ... HAND SERVANT Yeah, … is full of monkeys. PROMPTER Seriously, they raise our tuition, lower our budgets and don’t even have the decency to get us a healthy monkey. DOTTORE: Curtain in 1 min. HAND SERVANT Hey, we forgot the curtain. ( Blackout ) HAND SERVANT Uhhh, did you pay the electricity bill? PROMPTER Hemmmhhhh… HAND SERVANT Here stick the quarter in the socket.
1 Pre-prologue Everyone except Dottore, Laura, Colombina (in the square)
(during music )
ISABELLA enters crosses bridge with flower exits. CAPITANO enters crosses CS then exits. ZANNI enters crosses to Pantalone. PANTALONE enters crosses to Zanni they exit. LELIO & ARLECCHINO enters crosses then exits.
(music fades to Isabella speaking )
Prologue Isabella, Capitano, Zanni, Lelio, Arlecchino (in the square)
ISABELLA: (Isabella from a bridge handles a big flower) He loves me……he doesn’t. Lelio do you love me or not… I know you do love me. ( To Capitano who has seen the scene ) Don’t you believe, signore, that love is a wonderful thing? ( She goes away singing )
CAPITANO Who is that fascinating lady who suddenly stole my heart?
(Enters Zanni, screaming and running )
ZANNI: Signore, have you seen a monkey looking like a monkey?
CAPITANO Go away, stupid servant! I have only seen an angel looking like an angel!
ZANNI: The monkey of my master has gone away and I must find her before night!
CAPITANO I must find her soon…but I don’t even know her name…
ZANNI: Babboo!
ISABELLA: ( Coming out from the window ) No, Isabella!
ZANNI: Signore, I would stay with you some longer, but I must find my love!
CAPITANO And I must chase a monkey… ( They both realize the confusion, look each other and go away ) ( Enters Pantalone )
PANTALONE: ( mumbles till Zanni is at the stairs ) I do hope il Dottore is in the mood of listening today. Time is money and I don’t have no time or money to waste anymore. I want to see him not tomorrow, not later today… but NOW!
2 (Enter Lelio and Arlecchino )
LELIO Arlecchino.
ARLECCHINO Yes, master.
LELIO Don’t worry, follow me…
ARLECCHINO I am afraid…your idea will not work.
LELIO Shame on you, Arlecchino.
ARLECCHINO But…if you father knew that you are in city…
LELIO I repeat: don’t worry. Do you trust me?
ARLECCHINO No, master, I don’t .
LELIO Well, we agree. Let’s go, now. You’ll try to pry out some money from my father…and I’ll look for my sweet, my nice, my pretty…
ISABELLA: ( Isabella comes out from the window ) Isabella.
ARLECCHINO ( Scared, not realizing who she is ) Shhh! ( they go away )
*1 st Transition (before scene 1) Prompter, Servant
PROMPTER Well it looks like it’s going to be another love story.
HAND SERVANT Yay! I love love stories.
PROMPTER I don’t. All Oratzio ever puts on is cheesy love stories.
HAND SERVANT Love is a many splendid thing. Love lifts us up where we belong, all you need is love.
PROMPTER Oh please don’t start that again.
HAND SERVANT ( singing ) All you need is love.
PROMPTER Oh no ( groaning ).
HAND SERVANT All you need is love.
PROMPTE R Are you done?
HAND SERVANT All you need is love, love, love is all you need.
3 Scene 1 Dottore, Pantalone, Laura (in the Doctor’s home)
DOTTORE: No, no, no! A hundred times no! A thousand times no! It doesn’t circulate!
PANTALONE: (trying to run after him) Signor Dottore!
DOTTORE: ( not seeing him ) Aristotele definitely said so!
PANTALONE: Signor Dottore!
DOTTORE: Hippocrates agreed with him!
PANTALONE: Signor Dottore!
DOTTORE: And I’ll prove it to the whole world!
PANTALONE: Si-gnor-do-tto-reee!
DOTTORE: ( taking him to witness ) Those who claim otherwise are dolts.
PANTALONE: Of course, Dottore.
DOTTORE: I’ll show them! I’ll shove the truth down their throats and confound their confusion!
PANTALONE: I don’t doubt it…
DOTTORE: ( suddenly realizing the situation ) Oh, excuse me, signor Pantalone. I’m seized with violent indignation when I read the stupidities of my adversaries. Please, forgive me.
PANTALONE: You are quite excused.
DOTTORE: They claim, imagine the imbeciles, they claim ( laugh ) that the blood circulates around the body… ( Pantalone laughs politely )…like you and I through the village streets! ( Hilarious, then suddenly infuriated again ) But I’ll not permit them to continue to ridiculize the medical profession! “Saunguis non circulat! Blood doesn’t circulat” Your revolutionary frauds! For, “si circulatet”, it would not be stationary! ( Suddenly calm ) Excuse me. I let myself get carried away. That’s the way I am: my bile is easily aroused and then I cannot tolerate contradiction. ( amiable ) What can I do for you, signor Pantalone?
PANTALONE: I want to talk to you about that business.
DOTTORE: What business?
PANTALONE: That one you remember.
DOTTORE: Remember what?
PANTALONE: What we talked about.
DOTTORE: When?
PANTALONE: Several times.
DOTTORE: Where?
PANTALONE: Different places.
4 DOTTORE: Ah… No, I don’t recall…
PANTALONE: My marriage to you daughter Isabella!
DOTTORE: ( approaches him and examines his eyes, tongue, heart, chest, pulse, temperature ) Signore Pantalone, my daughter is 18 years old!
PANTALONE: Signore Dottore, I have an income of $20 million dollars.
DOTTORE: Signore, let me repeat that my daughter is 18 years old… and is yours! You can take possession whenever you wish.
PANTALONE: Dottore, how can I thank you?
DOTTORE: But admit that there’s nothing more absurd!
PANTALONE: What?
DOTTORE: That you couldn’t make a more senseless proposition…
PANTALONE: Eh?!
DOTTORE: …that to claim that it circulates!
PANTALONE: Not again! Dottore, I beg you to think for a moment about that I have just asked you.
DOTTORE: When?
PANTALONE: Just now!
DOTTORE: Where?
PANTALONE: Right here!
DOTTORE: What was it?
PANTALONE: For the hand of your daughter!
DOTTORE: The affair is concluded, I tell you. My daughter is yours.
PANTALONE: May I not present my request to your honoured wife?
DOTTORE: Useless!
PANTALONE: At the same…
DOTTORE: I’ll vouch for her consent. She always accepts my guidance. If she creates difficulties, I know how to make her submit. I’m the master, period! We know, thank heaven, how to make women listen to reason.
LAURA: (s ings behind door )
DOTTORE: She just loves Opera, il bel canto…
PANTALONE: I don’t doubt it.
5 DOTTORE: I’d just like to see her contradict me. She’d soon see who’s in charge. But happily I’m never put to the trouble. My wife, in a word, does exactly just as I wish.
(Laura comes out singing, then stops and looks at them expectantly )
PANTALONE: ( tries to greet her ) Signora…
DOTTORE: ( low ) You have my word.
PANTALONE: ( stubborn ) Two are better than one.
DOTTORE: ( pushing him forward ) You speak first, it’s more gracious.
PANTALONE: ( going behind Dottore and pushing him forward ) You begin, I’ll continue.
DOTTORE: ( does the same ) But it’s more reasonable for you to broach the subject!
PANTALONE: ( does the same ) The first step is up to you.
DOTTORE: …Of course…Wife! ( slow to Pantalone ) I broke the glass, you go ahead now, it’s your wedding.
PANTALONE: It’s your wife.
DOTTORE: ( sweet to her ear ) My dear… ( To Pantalone ) Let’s say it together.
DOTTORE & PANTALONE: This is (I am) il Signor Pantalone, and he has (I have) $20 million dollars in income and he requests (I request) the hand of your daughter.
LAURA: ( after a pause ) For whom?
DOTTORE & PANTALONE: ( pointing each other ) For him!
PANTALONE: For me.
LAURA: ( longer pause ) One doesn’t marry a young chick to an old cock! (goes away )
PANTALONE: I didn’t understand the very last words…
DOTTORE: Oh…she…said…maybe…”old cock”?!
PANTALONE: To me?
DOTTORE: Who is the groom?
PANTALONE: She always accepts your guidance!? You are the master, period! In a word, she does just as you wish!
DOTTORE: Oh, it was a joke. My wife has a teasing nature. I didn’t want to raise my voice. Don’t worry, everything will be all right. So, I just arrange for an autopsy of a cadaver that is to be brought here soon. ( as he goes into the house ) I’ll show them that it doesn’t circulate! ( goes away )
PANTALONE: …You crazy doctor! ( Exits home )
6 *2 nd Transition (before scene 2) Prompter, Servant
(impro scene)
Scene 2 Arlecchino, Pantalone (in the square)
ARLECCHINO: ( Enters ) Ah, signore Pantalone! Your servant!
PANTALONE: Arlecchino, what brings you here? I thought you were at Bologna * with my son.
*LAZZO WITH PROMPTER
ARLECCHINO: II signor Lelio sent me to you.
PANTALONE: How are his studies coming along?
ARLECCHINO Oh, he is one of the most brilliant students at the University. He often invites people to dinner or supper…
PANTALONE: Eh?
ARLECCHINO Yes, they eat books and drink culture!
PANTALONE: Ah.
ARLECCHINO Sometimes he goes for weeks without going to bed…alone…
PANTALONE: Eh?
ARLECCHINO He always brings his books along.
PANTALONE: Ah.
ARLECCHINO He’d die rather than miss a single course…of meal… You don’t know how lucky you are to have a model son like him!
PANTALONE: But his health?
ARLECCHINO You know that to slave away like that he should eat nourishing food…not only books! Here is a letter he gave me for you. ( Gives the letter )
PANTALONE: ( reads ) Signore my father…I am fine, even if always hungry and I hope…because I haven’t any money…the books are expensive…so that if you could…money? Money… money… money again? ( to Arlecchino ) Again? I sent him some last month!
ARLECCHINO Oh, signore, but one month is made of 31 days!!! If you could see him! Do you want him to die of overwork?
PANTALONE: We’ll see about that. Right now I have some pressing business that takes me home. Come and see me in a little while. ( Goes )
ARLECCHINO Your servant, signore! The old man is tough! It’s not easy to pry out a single coin. But I promised my master…no, it won’t be easy.
7 Scene 3 Arlecchino, Lelio, Isabella (in the square)
LELIO ( appearing ) Pssst…Arlecchino!
ARLECCHINO Oh, master, how risky! Your father just left, and I told him you were at Bologna!
LELIO Did you succeed?
ARLECCHINO Not yet. But don’t worry I’ll see him again soon. You should have seen me: I made up a story that you…you’d raise my salary.
LELIO Tell me, did Isabella come out? I’m dying to see her.
ARLECCHINO Careful! Some person is coming…
(enters Isabella with handkerchief )
LELIO Isabella!
ISABELLA Lelio!
LELIO What happiness to see you! My eyes have longed for this glimpse…
*LAZZO WITH HAND SERVANT 1
LELIO Isabella!
ISABELLA Lelio!
LELIO What happiness to see you! My eyes have longed for this glimpse…
ISABELLA: We must be careful. They can see us.
*LAZZO WITH HAND SERVANT 2
LELIO Dear Madame, haven’t you something else to say to me?
ISABELLA: ( she runs past to peer left ) Yes.
LELIO Since our separation…
ISABELLA: I want to say…
LELIO …my heart is lonely, and… ( suddenly realizing ) To say what?
ISABELLA: Your father wants to marry me!
LELIO So do I…Eh? My father?!
ISABELLA: Your father! But don’t worry, my mother has refused!
LELIO Oh, she refused…
ISABELLA: And since she…
8 LELIO Does your mother refuse to marry my father?
ISABELLA: …to marry me!
LELIO …of course…?!
ISABELLA: Lelio! I must leave now, I’m afraid we’ll be discovered.
LELIO A moment…
ISABELLA: I must leave!
LELIO Please…
ISABELLA: I must…
LELIO Isabella…
ISABELLA: Lelio! (Goes away )
LELIO Arlecchino!
ARLECCHINO ( Comes ) Yes master.
LELIO Did you hear?
ARLECCHINO Yes master, everything!
LELIO What to do?
ARLECCHINO What do do do?
LELIO I know…No…Maybe…No…I should…No…
ARLECCHINO Master, write her a letter to arrange a meeting…
LELIO No, Arlecchino. Instead, I’ll write her a letter to arrange a meeting…
(looks at Arlecchino meaning: what for? )
ARLECCHINO …a secret meeting.
LELIO Oh…secret, yes, secret of course.
ARLECCHINO Good idea!
LELIO And you’ll find some way to deliver it to her.
ARLECCHINO Bad idea!
LELIO Arlecchino
ARLECCHINO But I am supposed to go to your father’s house!
LELIO The letter first! Come along, I’m going to write it. This…This way…
(doesn’t find the way )
9 ARLECCHINO This way!
LELIO No…this way! ( the same way that Arlecchino had pointed )
*3 rd Transition (before scene 4) Prompter, Servant
HAND SERVANT ( entering with table & O helping him ) This way.
PROMPTER No, this way…
ARLECCHINO Hey, hey guys, I still have a line here.
HAND SERVANT A line? A line? You have the whole show.
ARLECCHINO I don’t get why you guys insist on coming on early ever night.
PROMPTER No, you know what? He’s right, he still has a line and we came on early. Go ahead buddy, kill em.
HAND SERVANT Yeah milk it baby, milk it. Make the cow’s udders sore. Shhh, everyone be quiet, Arlecchino still has a line.
ARLECCHINO (takes full possession of the stage, then speaks) This way!
HAND SERVANT Marvelous ( clapping )
PROMPTER Wonderful ( clapping )
ARLECCHINO ( flicking them off as he exits ) That’s it, either they go or I go.
HAND SERVANT This way.
PROMPTER No, this way ( they both start laughing )
10 Scene 4 Dottore, Colombina (in the Doctor’s home)
DOTTORE: Colombina! Colombina!
COLOMBINA: Si, Dottore?
DOTTORE: Colombina, a cadaver should arrive any minute, on which I’ll perform an autopsy tomorrow. Put it in the cellar to keep it fresh.
COLOMBINA: A cadaver? But your patients will be coming in here too!
DOTTORE: Cadavers, patient… I don’t see what difference that makes! Just do as I say.
COLOMBINA: Yes, Dottore, whatever you wish.
DOTTORE: Whatever I wish? No, my girl, if you really would do whatever I wish, you know very well what I… ( Moves toward her )
COLOMBINA: Oh, Dottore, that old story again? You should be ashamed, with your wife right here!
DOTTORE: To eat only one kind of cheese all one’s life, it becomes boring, that’s a scientific fact.
COLOMBINA: And what if your wife felt the same…about cheese?
DOTTORE: Oh, it’s not the same thing. The glory of a man is to say sweet words to all women. And the virtue of a woman is to listen to none but her husband.
COLOMBINA: I don’t believe that men should have more privileges than women. Why should they be permitted what women are not?
DOTTORE: The law makes it so! ( Advances to her )
COLOMBINA: ( evades him ) Pooh! And who made tha law? There must be foolish lawyers as well as foolish doctors! ( Growing angry ) Get lost! And let me get on with my work! ( Dottore exits, Colombina says to the audience ) If I ever married, my husband will soon see that what’s sauce of the goose is sauce for the gander!
Scene 5 Colombina, Arlecchino (Doctor’s home)
ARLECCHINO (making some noise to make himself noticed)
COLOMBINA: Arlecchino, what are you doing here?
ARLECCHINO ( Disappointed ) You recognized me? ( Removed disguise )
COLOMBINA: But why the robe and beard?
ARLECCHINO So as not to be recognized!
COLOMBINA: But how risky to come here!
ARLECCHINO No danger. I saw il Dottore leave, so I came in as you see to say hello to my kitten.
11 COLOMBINA: Oh, Arlecchino! Wait, I’ll close the doors so no one can catch us. ( She mimes locking on doors )
LAZZO WITH HAND SERVANT
COLOMBINA: Signora Laura is at home and could come in any minute…
(lazzo of flirtation scene, using cat and other animal sounds )
COLOMBINA: What is he saying, I don’t understand him. But he is such a silly goose. He would melt a heart of stone.
ARLECCHINO Oh, I almost forgot my mission here! Colombina, you know that Pantalone wants to marry your mistress, don’t you?
COLOMBINA: I do, poor Isabella.
ARLECCHINO Well, here is a letter from Lelio, to be given to Isabella. It’s to arrange a secret meeting.
COLOMBINA: How romantic! Give it here, and you’d better leave.
ARLECCHINO Not until you give me a kiss.
COLOMBINA: No, no, someone might come.
ARLECCHINO The doors are locked.
COLOMBINA: When we are married.
ARLECCHINO First a kiss.
COLOMBINA: I’d better do it, or he’ll never go. Here ( kisses him ). Now hurry!
ARLECCHINO Ciao, beautiful heartless wench!
12 Scene 6 Arlecchino, Colombina, Dottore, Laura (Doctor’s home)
(Arlecchino starts to exit right, at that moment Dottore’s voice and knocking is heard at that door )
DOTTORE: ( Behind door ) Colombina! Hey there! Open the door this instant!
COLOMBINA: There! I told you.
DOTTORE: Colombina!
COLOMBINA: Coming, Dottore, coming! (To Arlecchino ) I’ll hide you in the kitchen… ( She pushes him to the door Left, at that moment Laura’s voice and knocking from that door. )
LAURA: Colombina! Oh there! Open the door!
COLOMBINA: That does it. Our goose is cooked!
DOTTORE & LAURA: Colombina!
COLOMBINA: I’m coming! (going to on door to the other )
ARLECCHINO What shall we do?
COLOMBINA: I don’t know!
ARLECCHINO They’ll be furious enough to kill me…
COLOMBINA: Oh, kill you…kill…kill…cadaver! Yes, that’s it. You’ll be the cadaver! (pushes him on the table)
DOTTORE & LAURA: Colombinaa!
COLOMBINA: I’m coming!
ARLECCHINO ( worried ) Be the cadaver?
COLOMBINA: Yes. Get on that table and don’t move. (pushes him on the table) I’ll say that you’re the cadaver just arrived for an autopsy.
ARLECCHINO Yes… ( Springing up ) Autopsy?
COLOMBINA: ( pushing him flat ) Lie down and don’t move.
DOTTORE & LAURA: Colombinaaaaaaa!
COLOMBINA: I’m coming. (Opens door stage Right)
DOTTORE: ( Passing through toward the other door ) You made me wait long enough!
(Colombina opens the door Stage Left, Laura enters )
DOTTORE: Good morning, signora.
LAURA: Good morning signore.
13 DOTTORE: ( neither seeing Laura nor Arlecchino on table ) Good morning, sir.
ARLECCHINO Good morning, to you. ( Dottore exits )
LAURA: I have been knocking for an hour!
COLOMBINA: I was busy with the cadaver that just arrived and didn’t hear you.
LAURA: A cadaver? Ugh, I don’t like to look at such things. They give me bizarre dreams. I am off to the fruit market.
COLOMBINA: Yes signora.
LAURA: I don’t like cadaver…I like pineapple! ( Exits )
COLOMBINA: Oh, well! Wouldn’t you say my invention worked?
ARLECCHINO ( Springs up ) Perfectly! Now goodbye again!
COLOMBINA: ( Accompanies to door Right ) Signora Laura might still be in front of the house! Wait a bit for her to leave.
DOTTORE: ( knocking on door Left ) Colombina! Oh, there!
ARLECCHINO Oh, fine! Him again!
COLOMBINA: Get back on the table.
ARLECCHINO The devil take him! ( Lies down on table )
DOTTORE: Colombina!
COLOMBINA: I’m coming! (Opens door )
DOTTORE: What a mania for always locking doors inside the house!
COLOMBINA: But the door wasn’t locked, Dottore, just closed…
DOTTORE: ( sees Arlecchino ) What is that?
COLOMBINA: It’s the cadaver they just brought. I’ll put it in the cellar, as you told me.
DOTTORE: What a real rascally face! Don’t you think so, Colombina?
COLOMBINA: Oh, yes, Dottore. (ARL looks at her)
(from here until Dottore exits, Arlecchino reacts and keeps trying to escape whenever Dottore happens to look away )
DOTTORE: How comes it that the corpse is dressed? He is still warm…A fresh cadaver! (LAZZO OF THE HAND)
COLOMBINA: I’ll put him in the cellar. ( tries to do so )
DOTTORE: I’d really like, because he’s still warm, to begin the autopsy right away! We’ll soon see, gentlemen, if blood circulates as you claim!
14 COLOMBINA: But your patients are waiting for you…
DOTTORE: Let them wait! Ubi major, minor cessat! Go and fetch my instruments from my workroom.
COLOMBINA: Go yourself. I don’t want to set foot in that mess. (ARL PREYS)
DOTTORE: Go, I tell you! Bring all my instruments! Let’s see, I’d like to do a complete dissection. I’ll cut it in little pieces no bigger than that. (LAZZO WITH ARL)
COLOMBINA: …in little pieces…
DOTTORE: Fetch my instruments because I fetch you one!
COLOMBINA: I’m going, I’m going! ( exits Left but remains to eye what happens )
DOTTORE: ( examines him ) The heart is still beating! Evidence, my fine gentlemen, that the blood doesn’t circulate under the effect of systole and diastole, as you claim, since the cadaver is living proof that the heart still beats after death! Period! ( during the speech, Arlecchino tries to escape a couple of times, but always the Dottore finds him in strange positions ) Let me see… ( when he palpates the stomach Arlecchino jumps and laughs )…interesting… ( he beats a knee and Arlecchino moves the arm ) …the reflexes are still active, but confused…Well, first I’ll make a big incision from the xyphiod to the fisterious…( is surprised because of seeing that Arlecchino turned around )…Blood doesn’t circulate…everything circulates! If only those charlatans were here, now I’d show them, with their systole-dystole-pistole… ( Arlecchino is standing on the table )…what’s happening?
COLOMBINA: Oh, Dottore, that…It’s a fly…go away dirty insect! (LAZZO OF THE FLY) The cadaver is attracting them…I’d better take it down to the cellar…
DOTTORE: No, no! A cadaver with a beating heart! I wouldn’t let pass such as opportunity to confound my adversaries. I shall dissect him immediately. (ARL. LAZZO OF FAINTING) Where are my instruments?
COLOMBINA: I couldn’t find then, Dottore.
DOTTORE: Oh, stupid servant! I’ll have to go myself! ( Exits Left )
15 Scene 7 Arlecchino, Colombina, Zanni (Doctor’s home)
(Arlecchino jumps up, grabs his robe and runs toward door Right)
COLOMBINA: Where are you going?
ARLECCHINO Where? He’s getting his chisels and hammers and saws and ratchets and the devil knows what all!!! You ask me where am I going?
COLOMBINA: But I’ve hidden them!
ARLECCHINO Oh, Colombina, my love…I saw myself cut into little pieces no bigger than that.
COLOMBINA: My Arlecchino, I would have suffered so much to have seen you cut into little pieces…
ARLECCHINO Me too.
COLOMBINA: …to see your little heart, your little lungs and your little guts rolled out on the table…
ARLECCHINO Me too.
COLOMBINA: Oh, my Arlecchino, if you were to die of dissection I would take flowers to your grave every single day!
ARLECCHINO Me too!!
COLOMBINA: ( suddenly practical ) Now you’ll have to hurry!
ARLECCHINO ( starts toward Right, but a knocking in heard ) The devil! Signora Laura is back!
COLOMBINA: ( grabs robe ) Quick, back on the table!
ARLECCHINO No not again! I’ll confess everything!
COLOMBINA: And I’ll be sacked. ( more knocking ) I’m coming! ( sees robe in her hands ) Wait! I have an idea!
ARLECCHINO I hope it’s better than the last one!
COLOMBINA: Get into this. ( pushes him into robe and beard )
ARLECCHINO A disguise that didn’t work?
COLOMBINA: I’ll say that you are a doctor who’s come to watch the autopsy. ( more knocking ) I’m coming!
ARLECCHINO But the cadaver?
COLOMBINA: I’ll say that I took it to the cellar. It’s only to gain a little time.
ARLECCHINO ( getting into disguise ) Doctor me?! I who can’t read nor write! ( more knocking )
COLOMBINA: I’m coming! ( opens the door and Zanni enters ) But you are not…
16 ZANNI: I would like to see il Dottore.
COLOMBINA: He is not here.
ZANNI: ( Indicating Arlecchino ) Isn’t this il Dottore?
COLOMBINA: What do you want of him?
ZANNI: Just to say two words to him.
COLOMBINA: (after some hesitation) In that case… ( To Arlecchino under her breath ) Play your part.
ARLECCHINO ( Importantly ) What do you require of me?
ZANNI: Me, I don’t required anything.
ARLECCHINO Well in this case...( he is about to go )
ZANNI: It’s my mistress who has a lost her little monkey that she’s crazy about. Just like that. She’s beside herself, and blames me for the monkey running away. Just like that. Well, I said to myself, that you are so wise that maybe you could give me some remedy to bring back the little monkey that’s lost. Just like that.
ARLECCHINO What?! A remedy…? A monkey…? Offence! Sacrilege! The medical profession!!!
ZANNI: I’ll pay you, of course.
ARLECCHINO …the medical profession wants me to help you! Just like that. Place yourself on the examining table… ( he does so, Arlecchino repeats the same things that the Dottore has done before with him ) (LAZZO OF VISITING) Now, how long has the monkey been lost?
(Colombina helps Arlecchino as a segretary )
ZANNI: Two days.
ARLECCHINO …two days…at what time of the day?
ZANNI: Around eleven o’clock. Maybe noon.
ARLECCHINO ( screaming ) Closer to eleven or closer to noon?!
ZANNI: Closer to eleven….I had just gone into the kitchen.
ARLECCHINO What color is the kitchen…
COLOMBINA: the monkey?
ARLECCHINO … the monkey?
ZANNI: Black, just like that.
ARLECCHINO Let’s see…two days…eleven o’clock…black…just like that?
ZANNI: Yes Dottore.
ARLECCHINO Uhmm…take some pills!
17 ZANNI: Some pills?
ARLECCHINO Yes, some pills, just like that!
ZANNI: And that will bring back the monkey?
ARLECCHINO No…
COLOMBINA: …doubts.
ZANNI: But, what pills?
ARLECCHINO It doesn’t matter. The first ones you find.
ZANNI: But, Dottore…
ARLECCHINO Don’t try to understand! I am the doctor! Don’t you see the beard? * Doesn’t it look like a doctor’s beard? Are you the Doctor here? I don’t see your beard!
* LAZZO WITH PROMPTER.
(Impro with Prompter, HS., Colombina, Zanni, Arlecchino and then Dottore )
ARLECCHINO Just do as I prescribe! Pills!
COLOMBINA: Pills!
ZANNI: Pills. How many should I take?
ARLECCHINO How many should I take…how old is the monkey?
ZANNI: Four years old.
ARLECCHINO Very well…four pills, four times a day, four days!
ZANNI: Thank you Dottore. ( Gives him a coin ) When the monkey comes back, I’ll send you patients, just like that. ( Leaves )
COLOMBINA: ( looking at the coin ) A silver piece! For a beginner…
ARLECCHINO What a fine profession! You can earn money without knowing anything about it…and there is no risk in it! Not like being a cadaver.
COLOMBINA: Take some…pills! Just like that.
18 Scene 8 Arlecchino, Colombina, Capitano (in the Doctor’s home)
ARLECCHINO What the devil could I tell her? ( starts to remove robe ) And now I'm getting out. Don't forget to give the letter for Isabella, and get the answer. ( knocking on door R.)
COLOMBINA: Quick, fix you robe! This time is surely signora Laura!
(Arelcchino fixes his disguise, Colombina opens the door and the Capitano enters )
CAPITANO Dottore…is he here?
COLOMBINA: Who are you, sir?
CAPITANO Who am I? I am the famous, magnificent, great * Capitano! Son of Mars, grandson of Zeus, brother of Apollos, lover of Venus.
* LAZZO WITH THE PROMPTER.
COLOMBINA: Signor Capitano, my respects. Why are looking for him?
CAPITANO For a consultation.
COLOMBINA: Do you know him, have you ever met the doctor before?
CAPITANO No, nor does he know me. I am a foreigner in this city.
COLOMBINA: Then come in. There he is. ( low voice to Arlecchino ) Try to earn another coin.
ARLECCHINO Hemmm… What do you require of me, sir?
CAPITANO People have said you are very wise, and that's why I have decided to consult you about a little affair.
ARLECCHINO Wait…who can say how little is your affair?!
CAPITANO Are You an expert in…
ARLECCHINO I am.
CAPITANOI knew I was in good hands.
ARLECCHINO Absolutley you are.
CAPITANO I arrived only yesterday in this noble city and soon after an arrow hit my heart. The wound continues to bleed and if I don’t find something to stop the bleeding I am afraid I am going to die.
ARLECCHINO My dear Capitano. For the bleeding you should go to the priest.
CAPITANO For this wound the beatiful lady of this city is guilty.
COLOMBINA: Capitano is saying he is in love, isn’t it?
CAPITANO It’s the truth!
19 CAPITANO Let me explain since I am the Capitano…I don't have time to waste…for courting a girl…you understand…so I need a potion…
ARLECCHINO A poison?
CAPITANO A potion! A potion to make her fond of me…quickly…
ARLECCHINO I see. Place yourself on the table. ( Capitano is surprised ) Place yourself! I am the Doctor! Haven't you noticed the beard? * Doesn’t it look like a doctor’s beard? Are you the Doctor here? I don’t see your beard!
* LAZZO WITH THE PROMPTER AND HS.
(he does so ) Now…how long has the girl lost?…what colour?…at what time?… Take some pills!
CAPITANO Pills?
ARLECCHINO Yes some pills! No matter which ones. Ten a day, for you.
CAPITANO But, it seems to me that pills…
ARLECCHINO Do as I prescribe! I'll be responsible for the rest! It's a new medication. If you understood Latin I would explain…
CAPITANO I do know Latin, I have studied at a Jesuit school.
ARLECCHINO You…know…Latin?
CAPITANO Of course, Dottore.
ARLECCHINO My compliments, sir. Beautiful language, very beautiful. Come over some day and we'll have a nice conversation in Latin. Have a good day. ( pushes him toward door ) Wait. Aren't you forgetting anything?
CAPITANO Hu, ho… good day, Dottore. (gives him a coin and goes away )
ARLECCHINO Hu, ho… good day, Capitano.
20 Scene 9 Arlecchino, Colombina, Dottore (Doctor’s home)
ARLECCHINO Good day indeed! A gold piece!
COLOMBINA: Business is good, signor Dottore.
ARLECCHINO A few days of this profession and we can get married!
COLOMBINA: Oh, my Arlecchino!
ARLECCHINO My Colombina!
(He picks her up and whirls her around. Il Dottore enters from L. carrying his paraphernalia of saw, hammers, kniwes, etc. and stops short, astonished. They don't see him and continue to whirl around. In his surprise Dottore drops his tools with a clatter and Arlecchino stops suddenly )
DOTTORE: Colombina! What does it mean?
COLOMBINA: Why?…uh, Dottore…this is one of your colleagues who came to attend the autopsy.
ARLECCHINO & DOTTORE: (look at each other in the eyes, circle then begin to speak) Signore…I am il Dottore…in medicine…in law…
DOTTORE: In mathmatics!
ARLECCHINO In physics!
DOTTORE: In history!
ARLECCHINO In geography!
DOTTORE: In greek!
ARLECCHINO In latin!
DOTTORE: In…
ARLECCHINO Me too!
ARLECCHINO & DOTTORE: ( while hugging ) My dear colleague.
DOTTORE: ( to Arlecchino ) You fondle the servant, signore?
(Colombina gathers the tools )
ARLECCHINO Me? No. I…uh…it's a new treatment I was trying on her.
DOTTORE: A new treatment?
COLOMBINA: Yes! I asked him to examine me for a muscle that I pulled when I carried your cadaver to the cellar.
DOTTORE: My cadaver in the cellar? I told you…
21 ARLECCHINO This new treatment is called…gyrotherapy, or treatment by circular movement. Circular movement, universal principle! It consists of whirling the patient around so that centrifugal force separates the bad humors from the good ones.
DOTTORE: Curious, very curious. I've never heard of it. ( to Colombina ) I want to try it!
COLOMBINA: Stop! You don't know it as well as your colegue and you might spoil everything!
ARLECCHINO ( to Dottore ) Would you like me to try this treatment on you?
DOTTORE: Yes, why not?
(LAZZO COLOMBINA AND HS)
ARLECCHINO Come a little closer…raise your arms…relax…turn as quickly as you are able…ready? 1,2,3! ( Arlecchino whirls Dottore around faster and faster ) The moon rotates around earth…earth and other planets rotate around the sun…the sun rotates within the galaxy…the galaxy rotates around other galaxies…the whole universe rotates around itself…and at the end what is the Universe? The universe is a great rotation of balls.
DOTTORE: ( protests and cries ) Stop! I'm dizzy! I'm fainting! Stop! ( faints )
ARLECCHINO Whow! We are safe for a few minutes. I'm getting out. Don't forget the letter. ( blows her a kiss and exits R. )
COLOMBINA: Don’t worry. Ciao!
DOTTORE: Ahi, ahi…Colombina!
COLOMBINA: Here I am, Dottore.
DOTTORE: My head is going around. Help me up.
COLOMBINA: You' re very pale. Maybe you'd better lie down again.
DOTTORE: Help me to my room, Colombina. I must rest a while. My head, my legs, my cadaver…
COLOMBINA: Come on, Dottore…easy, easy…come on. (they exit L.)
22 *4 th Transition (before scene 10) Prompter, Servant
HS & PROMPTER Signore…I am the mover…of tables…of doors…
PROMPTER Of pianos.
HAND SERVANT Of chairs.
PROMPTER Of carpets.
HAND SERVANT Of cars.
PROMPTER Of boats.
HAND SERVANT Of…
PROMPTER…me too.
HS & PROMPTER Ah, my dear colleague ( hugging ).
Scene 10 Capitano, Lelio (in the square)
CAPITANO: I do hope that the pills'll work! Not only ten, as the doctor said, but the whole bottle I have taken! The faster you take them, the earlier they work! Now, I must find some romantic song to sing to her- to woo her- to breach the walls of her heart. Perhaps, Norturno by Chopin… No. Maybe, Tarantella by Rosin! No…
(Music begin enter Hand Servant and Prompter )
Siempre que te pregunto Y como y quando y donde Tu siempre me respondes Quizas, Quizas, Quizas Y asi pasan los dias (Ah…) y yo desesperado (Ah…), y Tu,Tu contestando Quizas,Quizas,Quizas, Estas perdiendo el tiempo, pensando, pensando (cha cha cha) Por lo que Tu mas quieras hasta cuando, hasta cuando (cha cha cha) Y asi pasan los dias, y yo desesperado y Tu, Tu contestando Quizas, Quizas, Quizas
23 CAPITANO Stop the music! What the hell are you guys doing? Get over here right now! I wanted a romantic song.
HAND SERVANT It was a romantic Latin song. Don’t you know that all is Latin is sexy?
PROMPTER Besides, we couldn’t afford the cost of an entire mariachi band. (to HS) Wanna dance with me again?
CAPITANO Oh, but I must buy some flowers to give even more effect to the pills! ( Lelio comes ) Signore, can you please tell me where I could buy some flowers?
LELIO There is a market in the street at your right.
CAPITANO Do they have flowers beautiful enough for my darling?
LELIO I think so, signore.
CAPITANO Love makes us demanding… you know.
LELIO Yes, I know. I love a lovely girl as well.
CAPITANO Do you breathe for a couple of dreaming eyes too?
LELIO I do.
CAPITANO Do you live only for her too?
LELIO I do.
CAPITANO Do you faint only when hearing that sweet name?
LELIO Her name…
CAPITANO What is more delicious that hearing the name of our beloved?
LELIO You are right.
CAPITANO Do we want to say our girl’s name together?
LELIO Let's sing it!
CAPITANO Great idea!
CAPITANO & LELIO ( singing ) Isabellaaa!
CAPITANO Let's dance it, now!
CAPITANO & LELIO ( singing and dancing ) Isabellaaa!
LELIO ( suddenly realizes, surprised ) Isabella? Same name? Like mine?
CAPITANO What a fate! There will be many Isabella in this town.
CAPITANO & LELIO: My darling lives in that house. ( they both point the same one )
LELIO That one?
24 CAPITANO Nothing more normal…in that house…surely live many Isabella...
CAPITANO & LELIO: ( together ) Mine has blonde hair!
LELIO Blonde?
CAPITANO Quite normal…
CAPITANO & LELIO ( together, speaking very fast ) My Isabella is the Dottore's daughter!
LELIO So?
CAPITANO Maybe il Dottore has two daughters whom he gave the same name, and…
LELIO ( interrupts ) Il Dottore has only one daughter.
CAPITANO Ah.
LELIO Yes.
CAPITANO In this case, signore, it seems evident that you'll have to give up. Goodbye. ( Lelio doesn't move ) Still here? Goodbye again, signore.
LELIO I am afraid that you will have to go away! I'll be able to fight for her!
CAPITANO ( drawing a line on the ground ) Do you see this line? I advice you against going beyond… (Lelio does that ) Oh, perhaps the line was not well clear...now I'll make it more… ( Lelio goes beyond, but Capitano does the same ) Very well, you are on that side and I stay on this side.
LELIO Don't hope me to give up!
CAPITANO If it is so, considering that your irresponsibility and forwardness don't leave me alternatives, we will fight. But first I want to warn you that for you it will be a struggle and that you will succumb without any doubt.
LELIO Well, we will see it.
CAPITANO So, do you want to fight the same?
LELIO To last blood, if needs.
CAPITANO To the last blood…very well. You choose the weapon.
LELIO Sword.
CAPITANO Sword? Certainly you don't know this blade, a gift from the god Mars himself. Do you believe perhaps that I want to mortify her dirtying her with your plebeian blood? No, you are wrong, it is not possible. Another one.
LELIO Fists.
CAPITANO Fists? And should I ruin my hands hitting them repeatedly and with vigor on your face? Don't you know that I play the harp in the filarmonica orchestra of my city? No, another one.
LELIO Nuclear weapons.
25 CAPITANO Nuclear weapons, well, nuclear weapons. Nuclear weapons? What day is it today?
* LAZZO WITH PROMPTER-
LELIO It's Monday.
CAPITANO Monday? Are you crazy? Have you forgotten that the laws of this Country prohibit the fights with the nuclear weapons on Mondays? ( he has an attack of ache of belly ) Choose another weapon.
LELIO I don't know what other weapon to choose.
CAPITANO You have no imagination gentleman. ( other attack ) I grant a delay to you to give some more time to…( attack )… to you…to make a choice... ( attack )
LELIO No, I intend to resolve the matter as quick as possible!
CAPITANO ( attack )…quickly.
LELIO We can use the…
CAPITANO ( realizing the cause of the ache of belly ) The pills!
LELIO …pills? Do you want to fight with pills?
CAPITANO The pills that has made me pick up that charlatan!
LELIO I don't understand.
CAPITANO ( attack ) Excuse me, but we must postpone to another moment our…( attack ) duel. Do you know how to find a latrine? ( attack )
LELIO ( continuoing to not understand ) If you don't explain me…
CAPITANO ( running away )There is not time, I will find it out! ( he escapes screaming )
* LAZZO WITH THE PROMPTER.
LELIO I take it as a victory of mine. And don’t dare to come back.
26 Scene 11 Lelio, Arlecchino, Colombina (in the square)
LELIO Arlecchino, you here? I still need you to get her answer. You must go back to il Dottore's house.
ARLECCHINO To… no, master!
LELIO Arlecchino!
ARLECCHINO No, master, I don't want to be cut into little pieces!
LELIO Use your physician's disguise.
ARLECCHINO Indeed! And if I run into il Dottore?
LELIO Try not to do so… besides… ( jingles coins )
ARLECCHINO Agreed! But first, teach me how to say in Latin: I am a doctor.
LELIO Medicus sum.
ARLECCHINO ( trying out various intonations ) Medicus sum… medicus sum. Not a bad thing, knowing Latin. Medicus sum… ( Arlecchino exits, Lelio is about to leave when he runs into Colombina )
COLOMBINA: Signor Lelio!
LELIO Colombina! What are you doing here on the street?
COLOMBINA: I needed to find Arlecchino in order to deliver him a message from my mistress to be given to you.
LELIO Unfortunately he just left.
COLOMBINA: But you are still here and that's enough.
LELIO Is it?
COLOMBINA: Here it is. ( hands him the message ). Ms. Isabella is dying to see you!
LELIO So do I. I must have a couple of words with her. Give it to me. ( he takes the message )
(they both exit )
27 Scene 12 Pantalone, Arlecchino
(Pantalone and Arlecchino enter )
ARLECCHINO Thank god I saved my life twice today! But I’m afraid this mess is becoming a disaster. If the Dottore catches me he will cut me into little pieces, if I don’t help Signore Lelio I will loose my reward, but if Pantalone finds me… Oh, poor Arlecchino! ( LAZZO: OH! EH!) PANTALONE: What are you doing here, you rascal?
ARLECCHINO Just going for a walk, signore.
PANTALONE: Where is your master?
ARLECCHINO He is at Bologna, I told you…
PANTALONE: Where does he live in Bologna?
ARLECCHINO Why? On a street near the university.
PANTALONE: What's the name of the street?
ARLECCHINO The name…?
PANTALONE: The name.
ARLECCHINO The name is…
PANTALONE: Out with it! Quickly!
ARLECCHINO Devil take the name! Won't you give me the money so I can go back to him?
PANTALONE: Master scoundrel! Three of our acquaintances have told me that they saw my son in this town…
ARLECCHINO Your son?
PANTALONE: My son.
ARLECCHINO Oh, signore, this town is full of nasty people. ( indicates the audience, one by one ) You simply can't believe everything they tell you. For instance, if they say that you are a good actor… don't believe them!
PANTALONE: That… I am…? ( raising his arms )
ARLECCHINO Signore, don't excite yourself!
PANTALONE: Insolent!
ARLECCHINO Remember your rheumatism!
PANTALONE: Impertinent!
ARLECCHINO Think of your heart!
28 PANTALONE: I'll beat you!
ARLECCHINO Control yourself, signore, if you want to be in good condition to get married…
PANTALONE: Oh, how can you…?
ARLECCHINO Think of you honey moon!
PANTALONE: That’s too much! ( goes to strike, misses and falls in the hands of Prompter and HS )
ARLECCHINO There! I told you! ( runs off SL )
PANTALONE: ( rising painfully, falls, tries again ) That rascal will be the death of me…Assassin! ( moves groaning toward Dottore’s house ) Maybe il Dottore can give me…at any rate, I must see him about this marriage.
Scene 13 Lelio, Colombina, Isabela LELIO Colombina, where is Isabella?
COLOMBINA: She is here... coming. I'll go before her to check that everything is fine, and there aren't any dangers for her.
LELIO If there are any, count on me. I have no fear of dangers when it comes to... ISABELLA: (enters) Lelio! LELIO... Isabella! LELIO & ISABELLA: (speaking together) Finally, I couldn't wait any longer. (pause) I must tell you about a pressing business. (pause) Something that cannot be posponed. COLOMBINA: Do not speak all at once or they won't understand anything. LELIO You first, prego. ISABELLA: Dear Lelio, do not worry about your father. My mother reassured me that she will never give her approval to that marriage. I will marry you. LELIO Are you sure? COLOMBINA: She just told you. Isn't her word enough? ISABELLA: And don't you have anything to tell me? Aren't you excited about this news? LELIO My heart is rocking. ISABELLA: For me? COLOMBINA: No, for someone else… ISABELLA: Eh?
29 COLOMBINA: I said: for whomelse? LELIOI knew you have a lover, a stranger who came to this town just for you. Who says he is in love with you. Who claims rights over your person. ISABELLA: This is not true! COLOMBINA: Whom are you talking about? LELIO That bully Captain, the son of the thunder and lightning. Apparently he knows you well. ISABELLA: I don't know whom you are talking about. Lelio, are you playing a joke on me? COLOMBINA: Signorina Isabella, I do know whom he is talking about. LELIO See? She knows your lover. ISABELLA: I have a lover? Why is it that I am never informed about these things? COLOMBINA: Oh, please don't say this. Now let me explain. As soon as he reached our town, the Captain heard about your renowed beauty and he lost his mind for her. LELIO See? COLOMBINA: Then his wild immagination took him as far as to tell everybody that he would marry you... and other things like that. ISABELLA: See? COLOMBINA: You know, men are such liers. Is everything clear now? LELIO & ISABELLA: ( speaking together ) Yes. LELIO No. In other words... did she betray me, or not? ISABELLA: Certainly not, my beloved. LELIO That's exactly what I though. So? COLOMBINA: So, everything is in the hands of signora Laura. You can trust her.
30 (Laura enters)
Scene 14 Laura, Colombina Lelio
LAURA: Correct. Well said Colombina.
ISABELLA: Mamma!
LELIO Signora Laura!
LAURA: It's time to blow the fog away and straighten things up. Enough with all those misundarstundings, secrtes and intrigues. I will wise up those two old bags.
ISABELLA: How are you going to do this, mother?
LAURA: How? My dear daughter, you are so young, you still have much to learn about the "arts of the women".
COLOMBINA: Signora Laura is an expert on the subject. ( They begin to sing )
LAURA: Le arti delle donne son molteplici Lo strizzar L’occhio Le mossette tenere Son arti che fan gli uomini fanatici Mossette tenere, tenere, tenere Labrucce rosse, rosse, rosse Mossette tenere, tenere, tenere Labrucce rosse, rosse, rosse…E tumide. ISABELLA: Oh no no! Oh no, no, no! LAURA & COLOMBINA: Ma perchè no, Ma perchè no? ISABELLA: Oh no, no, no! Oh no, no, no! LAURA & COLOMBINA: Ma perchè no….? ISABELLA: It’s no just because It’s no! LAURA: Eppure ci si nasce figlia credimi Che L’ancheggiar di femmina fa parte Dà un credito infinito presso gli uomini E delle figlie, figlie, D’eva E delle figlie, figlie, D’eva E delle figlie, figlie, D’eva questa E’ l’arte. ISABELLA: Oh no, no, no! Oh no, no, no! LAURA & COLOMBINA: Ma perchè no, Ma perchè no? ISABELLA: Oh no, no, no! Oh no, no, no! LAURA & COLOMBINA: Ma perchè no….? ISABELLA: It’s no just because its no! ISABELLA, LAURA, COLOMBINA: No’s………….!
LAURA: Rule number one: never contradict a man... as long as he does what you want. Then when he goes astray, that's the time to have a little talk with him.
ISABELLA: And if he is not willing to listen?
31 LAURA: If he won't change his mind, then there is only one solution.
ISABELLA: Meaning? LAURA Shut him up! COLOMBINA: Well said signora Laura. This is a tecnique I'll to try on Arlecchino. LELIO Arlecchino? Oh my god! I forgot about him. COLOMBINA: What do you mean? LELIO I sent him to your house under a smart disguise, to receive a reply note from my beloved Isabella. COLOMBINA: Mamma mia! LAURA: We have to stop him before it's too late. (the 3 women exit) LELIO Whatever happens, I'll be here! (exits)
(HS & Prompter interrupt the play)
HAND SERVANT I don’t understand what’s wrong with Mr. Orazio. PROMPTER Yes, he cut the best scene of the show. HAND SERVANT A scene filled with passion… PROMPTER … and love… HAND SERVANT … and jealousy. PROMPTER He is a killer! An assassin of the arts! HAND SERVANT Listen how beautiful the scene starts, she speaks: Dearest Lelio, are you safe? (to Prompter) Eh? PROMPTER And listen how he replies: “Dearest Lelio? You deceiver!” HAND SERVANT Lelio, why such reproach? I love you, I adore you, I am faithful to you! PROMPTER Infidelity, your name is Isabella! You call faithful your vow to wed another? HAND SERVANT I never vowed to wed another. I’d die before I’d lose you. PROMPTER And I believed you when you said you loved me!! Go! Go away! Go and never darken my soul again! HAND SERVANT I love you with all my heart.
32 PROMPTER I hate you with all my spleen. HAND SERVANT Lelio, I will kill myself if you don’t stop this! PROMPTER Better dead! HAND SERVANT You’re being very cruel to me! PROMPTER From your lips I learned the way.
HAND SERVANT One day you'll know how much I loved you! Sword, come! ( All claps ) Dottore: ( Improve ) We are in the middle of a play here…who is in the next scene HAND SERVANT & PROMPTER You are in the next scene.
Scene 15 Dottore and Pantalone (in the square)
DOTTORE: ( coming out ) A corpse, my corpse! Who has seen a corpse? Ah, signor Pantalone! Have you seen a corpse?
PANTALONE: ( thinks of himself ) A corpse?
DOTTORE: A fresh cadaver that was just brought to me for dissection. It's disappeared… unbelievable!
PANTALONE: Dear neighbour, I have come for the hand of your daughter.
DOTTORE: Absolutely unbelievable!
PANTALONE: I ask you, Dottore, to intercede with your noble spouse.
DOTTORE: It was right here, on the table, and I was about to open it, when…
PANTALONE: I do hope not to have to be waiting for more…
DOTTORE: No more cadaver… Are you certain you haven't seen it? ( exits L. crying out ) They have stolen my cadaver! Has anyone seen my cadaver?
PANTALONE: The devil take this cadaver!
33 Scene 16 Arlecchino, Pantalone, Capitano, Zanni, Dottore, Laura, Colombina (in the square)
ARLECCHINO ( enters from R. dressed in robe and beard, sees Pantalone) Devil, he is still here…( he approaches majestically. Pantalone sees him and examines Arelcchino more closely ) Medicus sum.
PANTALONE: It looks like Arlecchino…
ARLECCHINO Medicus sum…
PANTALONE: What means this masquerade? ( threatening him )
ARLECCHINO Medicus sum…
PANTALONE: Are you preparing another of your tricks?
ARLECCHINO Medicus sum…
(Arlecchino goes to run into the house. At that moment are heard off-stage sounds of running and voices. There is a chase with Capitano and Zanni running after Arlecchino, then also Dottore and Pantalone do the same )
CAPITANO There you are! … take some pills!
ZANNI: Where is my monkey?
DOTTORE: … my cadaver! Stop him!
PANTALONE: You trickster!
ARLECCHINO Medicus sum!
ALL: ( speaking all at once about chasing Arlecchino )
CAPITANO Hold on to him. I'll give him some medicine!
ZANNI: We’ll show you about pills!
DOTTORE: The gyrotherapyst!
PANTALONE: You scoundrel.
(enter Laura, then Columbina, Isebella and Lelio )
LAURA: Stop that! What's all this hullabaloo?
DOTTORE: This fake doctor needs to be punished!
CAPITANO He gave to me pills that nearly sent me into the next world! He must give my money back!
ZANNI: Just like that.
ARLECCHINO I beg your mercy, Signora. Let me explain.
34 PANTALONE: Don't listen to him! He is the servant of my son, a master trickster who will invent some bizarre tale.
DOTTORE: No one has the right to usurp the prerogatives of the medical profession, to accept fees without the authorization of the Committee! Take him to the gallows! And I'll perform my autopsy!
COLOMBINA: Have pity on him, he is my intended!
LAURA: Silence, everyone! ( to Arelcchino ) Why did you masquerade as a doctor?
ARLECCHINO To get into your house more easily.
LAURA: To see Colombina?
DOTTORE: To see Colombina?
PANTALONE: To see Colombina?
ARLECCHINO To see Colombina…and carry a letter from my master.
LAURA: A letter for whom?
ARLECCHINO For your daughter Isabella whom he loves dearly, and who loves him in return.
PANTALONE: What? My son has the audacity to tread on my heels?
LAURA: Silence! ( to Colombina) Call Isabella. ( to Arlecchino ) You, fetch your master.
(Colombina and Arlecchino exit )
CAPITANO I'll forget about the purgative, but who will return our money?
LAURA: When you are ill, which you will be sooner or later, my husband will treat you without a fee.
DOTTORE: But, my dear…
(Laura silences him with a look )
ZANNI: Thank you, Signora.
CAPITANO Thank… ( suddenly seized with a cramp ) Oh!…Excuse me…the pills!
DOTTORE: ( to Capitano ) At the end of the courtyard, to the right.
ZANNI: Me too…excuse me!
(Capitano and Zanni exit )
35 Scene 17 Arlecchino, Lelio, Pantalone, Isabella, Dottore, Colombina (in the square)
(Arlecchino and Lelio enter, Lelio throws himself at his father's feet )
PANTALONE: Ahah…il signore from Bologna!
LELIO Your pardon, father! Love…
PANTALONE: Love! Love! That's all they can think about!
(Colombina and Isabella enter, Isabella to her mother )
ISABELLA: Your pardon, mother. Love…
DOTTORE: She too!
LAURA: Silence! ( to Lelio ) Young man, do you love my daughter and promise to make her happy?
LELIO Oh, yes, signora!
LAURA: ( to Isabella ) And you, do you love this young man and consent to marry him?
ISABELLA: Yes, mommy!
LAURA: ( to Pantalone ) Why do you request the hand of my daughter?
PANTALONE: Well… to have some fine children.
LAURA: In that case you'll be happy to have some fine grandchildren instead. For such things, my friend, believe me are better left to the young people. ( to Colombina ) Colombina, I give your hand to Arlecchino, on condition that he never again plays as being a doctor.
ARLECCHINO I promise it.
COLOMBINA: And that you never give me some pills!
ARLECCHINO Not even the tiniest! Without being a doctor I know how to treat you! ( they run away )
LAURA: And now, it's time to sing a song! We have to celebrate two weddings, but more important, there is still some singing to do…
(everyone exits except Laura, everyone gets sunglasses, removes masks)
36 Final Scene Everyone (in the square)
EVERYONE:
IN SPOSA IN SPOSA, IN SPOSA CERTO SI IO LA VORREI.
IN SPOSA IN SPOSA, IN SPOSA CERTO SI LA PRENDEREI.
IN SPOSA IN SPOSA, CHE GIOIA SE L' ASSENSO MI DARA'.
IN SPOSA IN SPOSA, PER UN FINALE IN GRAN FELICITA'.
IN SPOSA IN SPOSA, IN SPOSA CERTO SI IO LA VORREI.
IN SPOSA IN SPOSA, IN SPOSA CERTO SI LA PRENDEREI.
IN SPOSA IN SPOSA, CHE GIOIA SE L' ASSENSO MI DARA'.
IN SPOSA IN SPOSA, PER UN FINALE IN GRAN FELICITA'.
(Everyone, all together)
IN SPOSA IN SPOSA, IN SPOSA CERTO SI IO LA VORREI.
IN SPOSA IN SPOSA, IN SPOSA CERTO SI LA PRENDEREI.
IN SPOSA IN SPOSA, CHE GIOIA SE L' ASSENSO MI DARA'.
IN SPOSA IN SPOSA, PER UN FINALE IN GRAN FELICITA'. Oh Yeah!
THE END
Final Bows: ALL: bow ALL: split in half (grab masks) O, S, ZANNI: walk DSC, bow ISABELLA, LELIO walk DSC, bow PANTALONE, CAPITANO walk DSC LAURA, DOTTORE: walk DSC COLOMBINA, ARLECCHINO ALL: join CO, AR, join hands, bow ALL: bow
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