DR. HARLEQUIN, Or, THE IMAGINARY AUTOPSY by Marco Luly characters Dottore, doctor in medicine Pantalone, his friend Laura, wife of Dottore Isabella, daughter of Dottore Colombina, servant in the house of Dottore Lelio, son of Pantalone Arlecchino, servant of Lelio Capitano, foreigner soldier Zanni, villain Hand Servant Prompter 0 Pre-Pre-Prologue Everyone ALL: warm-up improve, crossing SR // SL, never leaving Dottore alone. DOTTORE: 5 min. to places. ALL: Thank you five. (Dottore exits. HS. & P. enter ) HAND SERVANT Unbelievable. PROMPTER Ridiculous. HAND SERVANT Preposterous. PROMPTER Impossible. HAND SERVANT Orazio is an imbecile, how does he expect us to buy 11 costumes with a budget of $23 dollars. PROMPTER ( pulling a quarter from his pocket ) $23 and a quarter. HAND SERVANT You found a quarter? PROMPTER Yeah. HAND SERVANT Gimme that. PROMPTER With that little money, we could only rent them. HAND SERVANT Well at lest were set for tonight. PROMPTER What about tomorrow? HAND SERVANT I don’t know. PROMPTER Maybe they can do the show naked, we’ll sell more seats. HAND SERVANT I don’t know about that: have you seen the girls in the show? PROMPTER 11 costumes… HAND SERVANT …and on top of that… S & PROMPTER …A MONKEY! HAND SERVANT Where are we going to find a monkey? PROMPTER Maybe we can get one from ... HAND SERVANT Yeah, … is full of monkeys. PROMPTER Seriously, they raise our tuition, lower our budgets and don’t even have the decency to get us a healthy monkey. DOTTORE: Curtain in 1 min. HAND SERVANT Hey, we forgot the curtain. ( Blackout ) HAND SERVANT Uhhh, did you pay the electricity bill? PROMPTER Hemmmhhhh… HAND SERVANT Here stick the quarter in the socket. 1 Pre-prologue Everyone except Dottore, Laura, Colombina (in the square) (during music ) ISABELLA enters crosses bridge with flower exits. CAPITANO enters crosses CS then exits. ZANNI enters crosses to Pantalone. PANTALONE enters crosses to Zanni they exit. LELIO & ARLECCHINO enters crosses then exits. (music fades to Isabella speaking ) Prologue Isabella, Capitano, Zanni, Lelio, Arlecchino (in the square) ISABELLA: (Isabella from a bridge handles a big flower) He loves me……he doesn’t. Lelio do you love me or not… I know you do love me. ( To Capitano who has seen the scene ) Don’t you believe, signore, that love is a wonderful thing? ( She goes away singing ) CAPITANO Who is that fascinating lady who suddenly stole my heart? (Enters Zanni, screaming and running ) ZANNI: Signore, have you seen a monkey looking like a monkey? CAPITANO Go away, stupid servant! I have only seen an angel looking like an angel! ZANNI: The monkey of my master has gone away and I must find her before night! CAPITANO I must find her soon…but I don’t even know her name… ZANNI: Babboo! ISABELLA: ( Coming out from the window ) No, Isabella! ZANNI: Signore, I would stay with you some longer, but I must find my love! CAPITANO And I must chase a monkey… ( They both realize the confusion, look each other and go away ) ( Enters Pantalone ) PANTALONE: ( mumbles till Zanni is at the stairs ) I do hope il Dottore is in the mood of listening today. Time is money and I don’t have no time or money to waste anymore. I want to see him not tomorrow, not later today… but NOW! 2 (Enter Lelio and Arlecchino ) LELIO Arlecchino. ARLECCHINO Yes, master. LELIO Don’t worry, follow me… ARLECCHINO I am afraid…your idea will not work. LELIO Shame on you, Arlecchino. ARLECCHINO But…if you father knew that you are in city… LELIO I repeat: don’t worry. Do you trust me? ARLECCHINO No, master, I don’t . LELIO Well, we agree. Let’s go, now. You’ll try to pry out some money from my father…and I’ll look for my sweet, my nice, my pretty… ISABELLA: ( Isabella comes out from the window ) Isabella. ARLECCHINO ( Scared, not realizing who she is ) Shhh! ( they go away ) *1 st Transition (before scene 1) Prompter, Servant PROMPTER Well it looks like it’s going to be another love story. HAND SERVANT Yay! I love love stories. PROMPTER I don’t. All Oratzio ever puts on is cheesy love stories. HAND SERVANT Love is a many splendid thing. Love lifts us up where we belong, all you need is love. PROMPTER Oh please don’t start that again. HAND SERVANT ( singing ) All you need is love. PROMPTER Oh no ( groaning ). HAND SERVANT All you need is love. PROMPTE R Are you done? HAND SERVANT All you need is love, love, love is all you need. 3 Scene 1 Dottore, Pantalone, Laura (in the Doctor’s home) DOTTORE: No, no, no! A hundred times no! A thousand times no! It doesn’t circulate! PANTALONE: (trying to run after him) Signor Dottore! DOTTORE: ( not seeing him ) Aristotele definitely said so! PANTALONE: Signor Dottore! DOTTORE: Hippocrates agreed with him! PANTALONE: Signor Dottore! DOTTORE: And I’ll prove it to the whole world! PANTALONE: Si-gnor-do-tto-reee! DOTTORE: ( taking him to witness ) Those who claim otherwise are dolts. PANTALONE: Of course, Dottore. DOTTORE: I’ll show them! I’ll shove the truth down their throats and confound their confusion! PANTALONE: I don’t doubt it… DOTTORE: ( suddenly realizing the situation ) Oh, excuse me, signor Pantalone. I’m seized with violent indignation when I read the stupidities of my adversaries. Please, forgive me. PANTALONE: You are quite excused. DOTTORE: They claim, imagine the imbeciles, they claim ( laugh ) that the blood circulates around the body… ( Pantalone laughs politely )…like you and I through the village streets! ( Hilarious, then suddenly infuriated again ) But I’ll not permit them to continue to ridiculize the medical profession! “Saunguis non circulat! Blood doesn’t circulat” Your revolutionary frauds! For, “si circulatet”, it would not be stationary! ( Suddenly calm ) Excuse me. I let myself get carried away. That’s the way I am: my bile is easily aroused and then I cannot tolerate contradiction. ( amiable ) What can I do for you, signor Pantalone? PANTALONE: I want to talk to you about that business. DOTTORE: What business? PANTALONE: That one you remember. DOTTORE: Remember what? PANTALONE: What we talked about. DOTTORE: When? PANTALONE: Several times. DOTTORE: Where? PANTALONE: Different places. 4 DOTTORE: Ah… No, I don’t recall… PANTALONE: My marriage to you daughter Isabella! DOTTORE: ( approaches him and examines his eyes, tongue, heart, chest, pulse, temperature ) Signore Pantalone, my daughter is 18 years old! PANTALONE: Signore Dottore, I have an income of $20 million dollars. DOTTORE: Signore, let me repeat that my daughter is 18 years old… and is yours! You can take possession whenever you wish. PANTALONE: Dottore, how can I thank you? DOTTORE: But admit that there’s nothing more absurd! PANTALONE: What? DOTTORE: That you couldn’t make a more senseless proposition… PANTALONE: Eh?! DOTTORE: …that to claim that it circulates! PANTALONE: Not again! Dottore, I beg you to think for a moment about that I have just asked you. DOTTORE: When? PANTALONE: Just now! DOTTORE: Where? PANTALONE: Right here! DOTTORE: What was it? PANTALONE: For the hand of your daughter! DOTTORE: The affair is concluded, I tell you. My daughter is yours. PANTALONE: May I not present my request to your honoured wife? DOTTORE: Useless! PANTALONE: At the same… DOTTORE: I’ll vouch for her consent. She always accepts my guidance. If she creates difficulties, I know how to make her submit. I’m the master, period! We know, thank heaven, how to make women listen to reason. LAURA: (s ings behind door ) DOTTORE: She just loves Opera, il bel canto… PANTALONE: I don’t doubt it. 5 DOTTORE: I’d just like to see her contradict me. She’d soon see who’s in charge. But happily I’m never put to the trouble. My wife, in a word, does exactly just as I wish. (Laura comes out singing, then stops and looks at them expectantly ) PANTALONE: ( tries to greet her ) Signora… DOTTORE: ( low ) You have my word. PANTALONE: ( stubborn ) Two are better than one. DOTTORE: ( pushing him forward ) You speak first, it’s more gracious. PANTALONE: ( going behind Dottore and pushing him forward ) You begin, I’ll continue. DOTTORE: ( does the same ) But it’s more reasonable for you to broach the subject! PANTALONE: ( does the same ) The first step is up to you. DOTTORE: …Of course…Wife! ( slow to Pantalone ) I broke the glass, you go ahead now, it’s your wedding. PANTALONE: It’s your wife. DOTTORE: ( sweet to her ear ) My dear… ( To Pantalone ) Let’s say it together. DOTTORE & PANTALONE: This is (I am) il Signor Pantalone, and he has (I have) $20 million dollars in income and he requests (I request) the hand of your daughter. LAURA: ( after a pause ) For whom? DOTTORE & PANTALONE: ( pointing each other ) For him! PANTALONE: For me. LAURA: ( longer pause ) One doesn’t marry a young chick to an old cock! (goes away ) PANTALONE: I didn’t understand the very last words… DOTTORE: Oh…she…said…maybe…”old cock”?! PANTALONE: To me? DOTTORE: Who is the groom? PANTALONE: She always accepts your guidance!? You are the master, period! In a word, she does just as you wish! DOTTORE: Oh, it was a joke. My wife has a teasing nature. I didn’t want to raise my voice. Don’t worry, everything will be all right. So, I just arrange for an autopsy of a cadaver that is to be brought here soon. ( as he goes into the house ) I’ll show them that it doesn’t circulate! ( goes away ) PANTALONE: …You crazy doctor! ( Exits home ) 6 *2 nd Transition (before scene 2) Prompter, Servant (impro scene) Scene 2 Arlecchino, Pantalone (in the square) ARLECCHINO: ( Enters ) Ah, signore Pantalone! Your servant! PANTALONE: Arlecchino, what brings you here? I thought you were at Bologna * with my son.