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“ JONES” a musical comedy

Book by Music and Lyrics by Lewis Flinn

“Let each man exercise the life he knows” --

April 5, 2011 Protected by copyright 3

ACT ONE OPENING (From the darkness we see an ancient Grecian Symposia. Columns in smoke.) VOICES LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA (the cast enters in hooded robes. HETAIRA, a provocateur and narrator, enters in full ancient Grecian attire. She’ll don several personas this evening, but right now she is herself. A courtesan, a storyteller, a guide, a tax payer) HETAIRAI Oh, citizens of Athens. ALL We are here, Hetairai. HETAIRAI Oh, Lysistrata. LYSISTRATA I am here, my sister, Hetairai. HETAIRAI What can a woman give but love love love? LYSISTRATA & GIRLS Oh, ye gods. Love love love. HETAIRAI And what do men do but fight fight fight. MEN Fight fight fight. Fight!! Fight!! Fight!! (Lights up full. The cast are in college attire, HETAIRAI remains in her Grecian attire. ALL Fight!! Fight!! Fight!! HETAIRA (Greek choral chanting) Citizens of Athens U., Townies and Alumni, too!

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ALL You go Girl, Yeah Yeah!! You go Girl, Yeah Yeah!! HETAIRA Bare witness on this story that unfolds in front for you!! ALL You know, girl!! Yeah, yeah! You know, girl! Yeah, yeah! HETAIRA It’s sex and love and even sport! Now the two hours’ traffic of our court! ALL It’s a show, girl!! Yeah, yeah! A show, girl! Yeah, yeah! (singing) IT’S A LITTLE LIKE HETAIRA (singing) SOME PLAY BY ARISTOPHANES ALL IT’S A LITTLE LIKE HETAIRA HE’S DEAD, SO WE DO WHAT WE PLEASE ALL IT’S A LITTLE LIKE HETAIRA SOMETHING THAT’S OLD AND SO ARCANE ALL IT’S A LITTLE LIKE HETAIRA SO SUE US, ALL IT’S PUBLIC DOMAIN ALL RIGHT NOW! HETAIRA RIGHT HERE IN FRONT OF YOU ALL RIGHT NOW! HETAIRA WE GOT SOME BUSINESS TO DO Press Script 6/2/11 5

ALL RIGHT NOW! HETAIRA WE’RE GONNA FREE YOUR MIND ALL RIGHT NOW! HETAIRA JUST LEAVE YOUR CELL PHONES BEHIND

HETAIRA The setting: Athens University. Let’s just call it “Less than competitive”. And the Basketball team, The Spartans, hasn’t won a game in 30 years…but nobody seems to mind. ALL RIGHT NOW! HETAIRA RIGHT INTO THIS WORLD ALL RIGHT NOW! HETAIRA THERE ENTERED A GIRL ALL RIGHT NOW! HETAIRA PILING UP THOSE COLLEGE LOANS ALL RIGHT NOW! MEET LYSISTRATA JONES LYSISTRATA Athens U, don't let me down I've come to turn my life around. That last one was like so not right, But this one's, girlfriend, dynomite.

MHYRINNE Oh save it. CLEO Chica Loca

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LAMPITO Yeah- whatever she said HETAIRA But soon a boy fell for her charms Mick, the captain, set off alarms Week after week, she’d watch him play And every game would end the same way ALL Lost again! LYSISTRATA (to Mick) Does no one care that it’s all so lame? MICK Come on, babe, it’s just a game LYSISTRATA But losing every single time? That's no way to live, you've got to shine, you've got to live up to your potential I think that is like so essential You know it would feel great to win HETAIRA And that is where we shall begin OTHERS RIGHT NOW LYSISTRATA WE'RE GONNA TURN THIS AROUND OTHERS RIGHT NOW LYSISTRATA WE'LL GET THIS TEAM OFF THE GROUND OTHERS RIGHT NOW LYSISTRATA WE NEED TO FIND A MASTER PLAN OTHERS RIGHT NOW LYSISTRATA IT'S GONNA WORK I KNOW IT CAN OTHERS RIGHT NOW!! LYSISTRATA (wailing above the others who continue to Press Script 6/2/11 7

sing “RIGHT NOW”) OTHERS CAUSE I GOT THE PASSION AND I GOT THE MIGHT AND I’M NOT GOING DOWN RIGHT NOW NOT WITHOUT A FIGHT I GOT THIS FEELING RIGHT NOW AND I’M NOT LETTING IT GO RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW LYSISTRATA (handing out poms-poms) Come on girls, it won’t be tuff I did this in high school I know my stuff GIRLS poms poms? LYSISTRATA Yeah enough’s enough Touch step elbow by your ear We can win a game – we just need to cheer say yeah (leads a cheer) GIRLS (yeah) LYSISTRATA Say “what what” GIRLS “what what” HETAIRA (in a referee hat and whistle – girls are busy transforming into makeshift cheerleaders, tieing up t-shirts, hair in pony-tails, etc.) Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to tonight’s game- Athens University Spartans versus the Corinth Community College. But first, say hello to the Athens University’s brand new, first ever cheerleading squad! (The guys are getting ready to play, suddenly there is a new drum beat, the girls enter to their surprise) LYSISTRATA MY NAME IS LYSISTRATA JONES I’M FIERCE DOWN TO MY FUNKY BONES WE ARE GONNA WIN THIS GAME PUT THAT OTHER TEAM TO SHAME

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GIRLS GO LYSIE, GO, LYSIE, GO LYSIE, GO GO!! MHYRINNE MHYRINNE MHYRINNE! THIS IS REALLY NOT MY SCENE I READ CHAUCER, I’M NO FOOL YOU KNOW THIS WAS MY SAFETY SCHOOL GIRLS MHYRINNE, MHYRINNE, MHYRINNE, GO GO!! CLEONICE CLEONICE, HOT AND SPICY I CHEER WHEN THINGS GET DICEY SUPREME COURT GET THAT SUBPOENA CAUSE I’M A WISE LATINA GIRLS CLEONICE, CLEONICE, CLEONICE, GO GO!! LAMPITO MY NAME IS LAMPITO I COME FROM SAUSALITO MYRHINNE No you don’t LAMPITO Yeah, you find a rhyme for Lampito, beeyotch (the girls cut her off at “bee –“ OTHER CHEERLEADERS LAMPITO, LAMPITO, LAMPITO, GO GO (They’ve made a sort of a Pep Rally. The girls are cheering and they guys are beginning to get into it) GIRLS (singing) RIGHT NOW! RIGHT NOW! LYSISTRATA LET’S GO ORANGE AND BLUE GIRLS RIGHT NOW! RIGHT NOW! LYSISTRATA WE GOT SOME WINNING TO DO GIRLS RIGHT NOW! RIGHT NOW!

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LYSISTRATA EVERYBODY SCREAM ALL AAHHH GIRLS AND NOW IT'S TIME TO MEET THE TEAM OOOOOO (the boys are still confused about what the girls are doing, but start to take off their sweats, and head out to the court one by one. The girls cheer them on) GIRLS HEY MICKEY, YOU’RE SO FINE, YOU’RE SO FINE YOU BLOW MY MIND! GO MICK! YAY MICK! MICK (whatever) You’re buggin baby… GIRLS TAKE IT TO THE LIMIT, TAKE IT TO TOP CINEUS RAY CAN NOT BE STOPPED CINESIAS (pumped) This is just a hot box of crazy GIRLS DRIBBLE, PASS, SHOOT TO SCORE TYLLIS, TYLLIS GIVE EM’ MORE TYLLIS (uneasy) Well now we're being peculiar GIRLS HE’S A GIANT, HE’S NO MOUSE UARDO CORTEZ IN THE HOUSE UARDO (psyched for the attention) Hola! GIRLS AND THE LAST GUY ….GO GERALD HAROLD Harold… LYSISTRATA Press Script 6/2/11 10

(from the sidelines- yells- drum roll) SO what do you say boys? I believe in you, Mick. (The boys look at one another, Mick steps forward, they do the hand tower) MICK WHO’S GONNA WIN? BOYS WE ARE, WE ARE! MICK WHEN ARE WE GONNA DO THIS? ALL (Girls cheer to the audience) MICK RIGHT NOW! RIGHT NOW! RIGHT NOW! RIGHT NOW! Come on Athens, RIGHT NOW! RIGHT NOW! I can’t hear you RIGHT NOW! RIGHT NOW! BOYS Let's win a game! (blows whistle) GIRLS RIGHT NOW! RIGHT NOW! GO ATHENS GO! RIGHT NOW! RIGHT NOW! FIGHT! FIGHT! (HETAIRA ow a newscasterwalks through with scoreboard- 2nd period score ATHENS 12, CORINTHIANS 10) LYS GIVE ME AN A (A) MYR GIVE ME A T (T) CLEO GIVE ME AN H (H) LAMPITO GIVE ME AN I-- MYR Really? LAMPITO I was going to say E…

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LYS THAT SPELLS ATHENS,

GIRLS (back together) GO ATHENS, GO ATHENS FIGHT, FIGHT RIGHT NOW! RIGHT NOW! GO ATHENS GO! RIGHT NOW! RIGHT NOW! FIGHT! FIGHT! (HETAIRA walk through with scoreboard “3rd period ATHENS 23, CORINTHIANS 30”, blows whistle) GIRLS (trying to follow Lysistrata) STOMP, STOMP, CLAP, STOMP GO! STOMP, STOMP, CLAP, STOMP FIGHT! STOMP, STOMP, CLAP, STOMP WIN! GO ATHENS, GO ATHENS, GO ATHENS, FIGHT FIGHT!

RIGHT NOW! RIGHT NOW! GO ATHENS GO! RIGHT NOW! RIGHT NOW! FIGHT! FIGHT! LYSISTRATA (Lysistrata tries to keep up the sinking spirit) COME ON ATHENS YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO YOU GOT TO ROCK WITH THE ORANGE AND ROLL WITH BLUE! GO ATHENS. GO ATHENS GO ATHENS FIGHT FIGHT RIGHT NOW! RIGHT NOW! GO ATHENS GO! RIGHT NOW! RIGHT NOW! FIGHT! FIGHT! RIGHT NOW! RIGHT NOW! GO ATHENS GO! RIGHT NOW! RIGHT NOW! FIGHT! FIGHT! (HETAIRA cues the buzzer. Silence. The team has lost. The team looks devastated, all looking forward in shock. Mick looks look he might cry) LYSISTRATA Mick, that was great effort, maybe next game– MICK (covering up his feelings) Ha! We weren’t playing for real anyway. Who cares. C’mon, party time! HETAIRA IT’S A LITTLE LIKE ALL WE PLAY AND THEN WE HAVE SOME FUN HETAIRA

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