02/03/2012 UNCLE DAVE’S JOKE NEWS Page 1 of 2

MOLE FAMILY On Groundhog Day, what does it mean if A papa mole, a mama mole, and a baby Punxsutawney Phil comes out and sees the mole all live together in a little mole hole. village idiot? One day, papa mole sticks his head out of Within 6 weeks you'll have a village full of the hole, sniffs the air and said, 'Yum! I idiots. smell maple syrup!' What happened when the groundhog met The mama mole sticks her head out of the the dogcatcher? hole, sniffs the air and said, 'Oh, Yum! I He became a pound hog! smell honey!' What do you call a Punxsutawney Phil's Now baby mole is trying to stick his head laundry? out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't Hogwash. because the bigger moles are in the way. This makes him whine, 'Geez, all I can THE GROUNDHOG DAY smell is.... MOLASSES! PREACHER One Easter morning, the preacher gathered WHAT DAY IS TODAY? the children of the church in the front of Over breakfast one morning, a woman said the sanctuary for the weekly children's to her husband, "I’ll bet you don't know sermon. He began with a thematically what day this is." appropriate question. "Of course I do," he answered as if he was "Children, today is Easter Sunday. What offended, and left for the office. do we celebrate on Easter?" At 10:00 a.m., the doorbell rang and when One girl spoke up quickly: "We remember the woman opened the door, she was our mothers and how much we love them." handed a box of a dozen long stemmed red "No, that's not quite right," the pastor roses. At 1:00 p.m., a foil-wrapped, two- replied. "You're thinking of Mother's pound box of her favorite chocolates was Day." delivered. Later, a boutique delivered a Then, an eager boy took a shot: "Easter is designer dress. a time when we say 'thank you' to God for The woman couldn't wait for her husband all the good things in our lives." to come home. "We can always say 'thank you' to God," "First the flowers, then the chocolates and the pastor said, beginning to worry about then the dress!" she exclaimed. the dullness of the children in his church. "I've never had a more wonderful "But, you're thinking of Thanksgiving, not Groundhog Day in my life! Easter. Children, what is the meaning of Easter?" SHORT GROUNDHOG JOKES After a few seconds of awkward silence, What do you get when you cross a another girl in a fancy Easter dress gave it groundhog with a pistachio? a try. "Easter," she said tentatively, "is the A green beast who predicts a dry spring, day when we remember that Jesus died on and acts like a nut. the cross for our sins. Then he was buried in the tomb. On Easter morning, God

For more jokes go to www.uncledavesenterprise.com 02/03/2012 UNCLE DAVE’S JOKE NEWS Page 2 of 2 rolled the stone away and Jesus came out The vet says, "What happened?" of the tomb." Farmer Gossman says, "The horse blew "Excellent," cried the relieved pastor. first." "And then," the girl continued, "Jesus looked and saw his shadow, so he went HIDING THE PETS back into the tomb and there were six A man and his wife are returning from more weeks of winter!" holiday, while on holiday they decided to buy themselves some pets, he bought a THE CURSE snake while the woman got a skunk. An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him As they are passing through airport control if he can remove a curse he has been living they notice a sign which says "NO with for the last 40 years. ANIMALS WILL BE ALLOWED The Wizard says, “Maybe, but you will THROUGH QUARANTINE" have to tell me the exact words that were Slightly distressed the woman turns to her used to put the curse on you”. husband and asks what they should do. The old man says without hesitation, “I After thinking hard for 5 minutes the man now pronounce you man and wife.” come up with a plan "what I'll do is tie the snake around my LAST RITES waist and try to pretend that it's a snake The priest was preparing a man for his skin belt." long day's journey into night. "Yes" the woman replies "but what about Whispering firmly, the priest said, the skunk?" "Denounce the devil! Let him know how "I don't know, you'll just have to hide it up little you think of his evil!" your skirt." The dying man said nothing so the priest "But what about the smell?" the woman repeated his order. asks. Still the dying man said nothing. To which the man replies "Look, if it dies The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to it dies!" denounce the devil and his evil?" The dying man said, "Until I know where RESURRECTING OF THE DEAD I'm heading, I don't think I ought to "Do you believe in life after death?" the aggravate anybody." boss asked one of his employees. "Yes, sir," the new recruit replied. CONSTIPATED HORSE "Well, then, that makes everything just Farmer Gossman goes to the vet and says, fine ... " the boss went on. "My horse is constipated." "After you left early yesterday to go to The vet says, "Take one of these pills, put your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in it in a long tube, stick the other end in the to see you." horse's ass, and blow the pill up there." Farmer Gossman comes back the next day, “HAPPY GROUNDHOG DAY” and he looks very sick.

For more jokes go to www.uncledavesenterprise.com