THE HANGOVER A Rat Queens adventure for 3rd-level characters

The evening started out with the greatest intentions. A few relaxed pints, lively conversation, and a good old-fashioned bar brawl. When the fisticuffs came, they were with a visiting noble named Sir Dandeleone of Lavender, a middling minor knight from a family of no consequence. All things being equal, it should have been a classic dust-up, forgotten by the morning.

But no. Things escalated.

Written by Kurtis J. Wiebe

Art by Owen Gieni

Development and Editing: Scott Fitzgerald Gray

Warning: This material is intended for mature readers

RAT QUEENS (including all prominent characters featured herein), its logo, and all character likenesses are trademarks of KURTIS J. WIEBE and JOHN UPCHURCH, unless otherwise noted. All names, characters, events, and locales in this publication are entirely fictional.

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Not for resale. Permission granted to print or photocopy this document for personal use only. The Hangover 1 Hannah: A foul-mouthed half-elf/tiefling spellcaster Adventure Setup with a chip on her shoulder, Hannah is loud, crude, This adventure follows the aftermath of an insane and always lets friends and foe alike know what night of booze and general f--king debauchery. The she’s thinking. four characters—Betty, Violet, Dee, and Hannah— Violet: An honor-bound dwarf warrior descended started out the previous evening with the greatest from a noble line of artificers, Violet has abandoned intentions. A few relaxed pints, lively conversation, her traditions and home to find her own way. and (if the stars aligned) a good old-fashioned bar Dee: Having escaped the deranged cult of N’Rygoth (a brawl. When the fisticuffs came, they were with a reality squid god), human cleric Dee has left behind visiting noble named Sir Dandeleone of Lavender, a the trappings of religion. She sees that her powers middling minor knight from a family of no of healing and protection come from within, not consequence. All things being equal, it should have from some monstrous alien creature. She’s quiet been a classic dust-up, forgotten by the morning. and bookish, but not to be trifled with. But no. Things escalated. Betty: She’s the loving gel that holds the Rat Queens When the noble realized he was about to face together. A diminutive smidgen, Betty has a huge embarrassment at the hands of a group of rowdy heart and is accepting of everyone, almost to a fault. peasants, he took matters into his own hands and Her skills as a thief are, to this day, unexplained, but sent his armed guards to deliver resolution. Rather Betty excels at the sneaky. She has a penchant for than face the consequences of beating a noble to near candy and is known to partake in other treats. death, the characters all fled out the back door, From time to time. robbing an unsuspecting ale carter of his cargo, wagon, and horses, then tearing off into the night. Remember how I said it escalated? Well, this is the Location, Location, Location point when things REALLY escalated. After a series of This adventure takes place mostly in the woods and chaotic encounters, the crew wakes up in the middle on the road as the characters try to retrace their steps of unfamiliar woods, next to a shattered wagon, with of the previous forgotten night. If you use miniature a figure hogtied hanging from a tree, and sitting next figures and battle maps for combat, you should to a large, moaning wooden chest. prepare a couple of generic forest maps and a map of This is “The Hangover.” the outskirts of a small town with a few semidetached buildings for the combat encounters. The Rat Queens The players will be assuming the role of the Cast of Characters eponymous Rat Queens—a band of college-age • Sir Peter Dandeleone of Lavender: A rich human female adventurers in an original fantasy setting noble from across the seas, Dandeleone is looking to established in the comic of the same name. Rat make a profit in this pathetic frontier town of Queens is a comedic series that often lovingly pokes Palisade. He has serious regrets about not being fun at the tropes found in high fantasy fiction. As prepared for what the word ‘party’ means here. such, this adventure embraces the absurd, the • Dick the Word Dirk: A wandering wordsmith hilarious, and the crude. You have been warned. forever writing epic limericks of unrivaled Rat Queens features four main protagonists: wordplay. Middle-aged. Hopeful. Unemployed.

Not for resale. Permission granted to print or photocopy this document for personal use only. The Hangover 2 • Larry Halfmandini: The proud leader of the Sequence of Events Wonderful Halfmandinis, a touring band of smidgen Though the characters will likely struggle to puzzle through ‘circus performers.’ Though mostly a criminal, Larry the events of the previous evening and put them into their has been known to work children’s parties. Kids proper order, you get early access to that secret information. fetch excellent ransom gold. After starting drinking at the Black Satyr, the characters got • Drake of the Forested Wood Bandits: Chieftain to into a wicked fight with visiting noble Sir Dandeleone and his one of the more useless raiding parties this side of guards—then ended up having to run when they found out Palisade, Drake is the former leader of a traveling who he was. After robbing the merchant Mark Hillman of his horses boy bard group called the Forested Wood. Before and wagon—a wagon loaded with barrels of booze—the the massacre. team fled out of town along Shore Road. Along the way, • Mark Hillman: Wagon owner. Carter. they encountered a troupe of smidgen circus performers Philanthropist. whose leader Larry offered an odd proposition. The smidgens would pay 20 gp to be smuggled into the town of Frontier inside a large chest. But even though the characters Introduction took the payment gladly, they promptly forgot to stop in As the adventure begins, read the following. town as they continued on. Drunk to the point of forgetting why they were even on It’s been a good godsdamn day. A fresh five hundred gold the road in a cart to begin with, the girls pulled off for a rest. pieces in your pocket after another successful adventure At that point, the traveling bard Dick the Word Dirk challenged them to a spelling contest. After defeating him killing something or other. mightily, they claimed their winning bet—the clothes off his You and the rest of the team have gathered in the very back. packed Black Satyr Tavern on the eastern edge of Palisade. It’s Carrying along the road for a few more hours, the team the usual crowd—alcoholics and the people who love them. came to a wooded side road where they were promptly As you settle in, you see a pretentious noble—likely of the attacked by bandits. Not to be messed with, they killed a few awful merchant variety—and his crew of lapdogs watching you of the bandits and captured their chief before taking off in from across the room. They are very clearly eyeing you up. For the wagon once more. But sometime after rolling off the forest road and taking the wagon overland, they smashed what reason, you’ve no clue. into a tree. With ale pouring out of the barrels broken open A heavyset bearded human comes to your table. He looks in the crash, the characters drank as fast as they could, hung tired and hung over. He places the drinks you ordered in front the bandit chieftain up in a tree—and then promptly passed of you. Those a##holes across the way still keep their eyes out until morning. locked on you, but you’ll worry about that in a moment. For now, you raise your drinks and prepare for a long night of harrowing debauchery. Opening: Hair of the Dog After whatever abrupt ending to the night’s festivities Allow the characters to roleplay their night at the you feel like creating, the scene fast-forwards to the Black Satyr as they wish. As the booze flows freely, a morning after the team’s nightlong bender. A Constitution saving throw should be made every so secluded, unfamiliar forest is the resting place of the often, escalating in difficulty. Once everyone has characters, and the adventure that brought them here failed the save, the scenario begins. saw them fighting bandits, transporting a gang of The characters can meet two of the adventure’s criminal smidgens, and circle-dirking with an NPCs at the Black Satyr: unemployed bard. It’s too bad they can’t remember any of it. • Sir Peter Dandeleone of Lavender can be found milling about the tavern with a group of his stuffy cronies. They should seem mysterious, both aloof There it is. That old familiar taste of bile and the pulse up the and impossibly snooty. When approached, back of your neck that only the paralyzing slash of a blade can Dandeleone is insulting and smug, but he backs deaden. You recognize the small voice in the back of your down from any fight or challenge like the coward he mind telling you it’s time to wake up, but that voice is being a is. godsdamn a##hole right now. • Mark Hillman can be seen carting booze into the Still, you manage to force your eyelids open, letting a horrid tavern from a wagon in the back alley. When he is light pour in that burns like a thousand acid-laced needles. busy working, he has no time to be bothered. And not in the nice way.

Not for resale. Permission granted to print or photocopy this document for personal use only. The Hangover 3 As you slowly focus, the white cloud of suffocating pain • Betty wears an ornate golden ring set with a perfect melts away. You find yourself in the heart of a forest that, for square-cut emerald. A noble insignia on both sides of the gem features two eagles flying in opposite this moment, feels very unfamiliar to you. You sense a familiar directions. tickle of overindulgence in your throat as the contents of your • Violet finds a silver key in her pocket (this opens stomach slowly bubble away. Judging by the taste in your the wooden chest), along with 20 gold pieces. mouth, those contents are mostly ale, pipe smoke, and • Dee is wearing a stylish new outfit, but has no unicorn doo. memory of it once belonging to Dick the Word Dirk. You take a look around, discovering that your head can • Hannah sports a moustache on her face. A real magically still look to the left and right with what you would moustache, which once belonged to Mark Hillman. call ‘certain efficiency.’ It is here that you discover, dangling from a rope by his feet Didn’t We Have Horses? in a branch above you, a rather perturbed-looking human male watching you with narrowed eyes. The horses bolted when the wagon was smashed to “You a##holes left me hanging upside down all night!” he pieces. Unfortunately for them, the direction they decided to flee was the exact wrong way to go. With a hisses. “My tears have turned to blood.” successful DC 12 Wisdom (Survival) check, the Your attention turns in another direction as a muffled sound characters discover the horse tracks leading off in the comes from a large wooden chest sitting lodged in the lowest direction the eventual ogre attack will come from (see branches of a tree across the way. Beneath the chest lies a Scene 1, below). The horses have been devoured shattered wagon that once held two broken barrels of ale— whole by the ogre about a mile away from the site of and one barrel still completely intact. the opening scene. Thank the gods for small mercies. “Would you kindly cut me the hells down?” the stranger Drake of the Forested Wood Bandits shouts. After being cut down, as soon as Drake realizes that the characters don’t recognize him, he lies to tell them The human tied up in the tree above the characters is he is a simple family man. He explains that he was Drake of the Forested Wood camped along Shore Road Bandits, leader and now when the characters prisoner. He was snatched abducted him and tossed him during an epic escape the night into their wagon. Drake is a before and promptly tied to reasonably good liar, the tree before the characters requiring a successful DC 19 passed out. Wisdom (Insight) check to The moaning wooden chest see through his story. contains eight smidgens— If any of the characters criminals and circus challenge Drake’s tale, he performers, the lot of them. simply makes up new stories After being hired to smuggle about who he is: a travelling the smidgens into the town of merchant who tried to rip Frontier, the characters forgot the party off, a farmer who about that plan roughly two tried to impress them with a minutes after locking them all story of family or fortune, into the wooden chest. As and so on. He never reveals such, the smidgens aren’t too the truth. He does, however, pleased with the girls. encourage the characters to Hannah leave the woods, warning them that they’re in danger Items of Interest (as will later be confirmed by the events of Scene 1). In addition to the large wooden chest, the remains of Larry Halfmandini the wagon, the ale barrels, and Drake, a number of When the chest is opened—either with the silver key other items of interest are found on each of the or a successful DC 20 Strength (Athletics) check— characters as they take stock of their situation. Larry and seven other smidgens (all bandits) tumble out, with Larry proceeding to lecture the characters

Not for resale. Permission granted to print or photocopy this document for personal use only. The Hangover 4 about obligations and finishing a job when they start The ogre fancies itself a tactical genius for having one. equipped itself with artillery—the two goblins that When the characters claim ignorance of who he is, stand in its backpack and attack with their shortbows. Larry reveals that he hired them to sneak him and his Larry and the rest of the Halfmandinis do not fellow Halfmandinis into the engage in the fight—though town of Frontier. He does not they pretend to. They bob in elaborate as to the reasons and out with weapons why he wanted himself and his flashing like it’s some sort of group carted into the town, but stage play, but they inflict no he insists that the 20 gp he actual damage. paid to the party has secured Drake attempts to flee if he him secret passage to Frontier, is unbound. and that the characters are required by law and honor to Aftermath complete the task. The Halfmandinis insist on If Drake is captured again sticking with the characters after the ogre and the goblins until they have honored their are defeated, he does what agreement—except that he he can to convince the insists on now making changes characters to return to the to that agreement. Instead of road. He promises a 10 gp sneaking the smidgens into reward if he is returned to Frontier, the characters’ new his family. task involves a bit of thievery. If Drake escapes during the Larry does not speak of the Violet fight, he reappears in Scene 2. specifics until they arrive in Either way, Larry once again Frontier, which is along the road on the way to reminds the characters that they owe him a job for Palisade. the 20 gp he paid them, and insists that they return to If the players offer to pay back the gold, Larry again Shore Road and head toward Frontier. refuses, claiming it is a matter of honor, not currency. Once the characters have committed to heading The Rat Queens were paid to do a job, and they will back to the road, Scene 2 occurs after about an hour’s complete their task. walk through the forest. Once the characters have spoken with both Larry and Drake, continue to Scene 1. Scene 2: Bandits on the Road! The night before, the characters were ambushed on Scene 1: Ogre a’ Sniffin’ the side of the road when they stopped to crack open As the characters do their best to get back to Shore another barrel of ale and drink a few rounds. The Road, trouble finds them first. Forested Wood Bandits, a group of despicable and incapable thieves, quickly set upon the party with complete surprise. Despite that, they were thwarted It’s almost as though you wasted your sweet precious time in short order and their leader, Drake, was captured. f--king around in the woods much of the previous night With Drake in tow, the girls hopped onto the wagon instead of trying to find a way out of them. One of you and sped away. But just an hour after their escape, apparently thought taking the wagon completely off road the wagon was drunkenly driven into the woods and would be a fun adventure, and now you’re gods-know-where smashed to pieces. in the middle of a forest with no trail to guide you. And while paying attention to the tiniest of details is often a Ahead, through brush and bramble, a group of rough-looking wise choice, on this day, the morning of the Great Hangover, bandits appears along the forested road. They look you can’t help but wonder if the ogre with two goblins in a determined. Possibly concerned. Definitely annoyed. In fact, backpack that suddenly crashes through the trees toward you the variety of expressions on their faces suggests that is the punctuation at the end of the statement, “I’m never someone has recently upset their lives with much a##holery. drinking again.” They talk among themselves, and as you stalk quietly closer, you can make out their frustrated conversation.

Not for resale. Permission granted to print or photocopy this document for personal use only. The Hangover 5 “The tracks lead this way. How many heavily loaded, wildly The figure’s arms are crossed, and he scowls as you draw swerving wagons do you think came this way in the past close. “Ah, perfect. Couldn’t leave well enough alone, eh? several hours?” Come back for a second round of good old Dick the Word Dirk, “Possibly two, sir.” eh? Let’s just hope to the heavens that I don’t repeat my There’s a silence. mistakes from last night’s word circle dirk. Double or nothing? “I hate you, Alan.” And the question I have for you ladies is: Forward or The five bandits trudge deeper into the thick woods—and, backward?” as luck would have it, in your general direction. It seems they’re following a rather obvious trail that a wagon, likely yours, left behind. Circle Dirk! Dick desires more than anything to recover his The five bandits are an almost insignificant threat, dignity after a harrowing defeat in his last circle even with Drake leading them. If he escaped earlier, dirk—which saw Dee win his fine outfit and left him he has rejoined his crew and reduced to dressing himself enters the fray if this in her cast-off clothing. encounter becomes a battle, Circle dirk is a word fighting as a bandit captain contest in which bets are laid alongside his comrades. on the ability of another If Drake remains a captive of person to correctly spell a the characters, the bandits challenge word forward or offer 10 gp for the return of backward. If even a single their leader when they see letter is wrong, the him, revealing his true competitor loses. Despite identity. If Drake is returned, having lost to the characters he and the bandits then the previous night, this time immediately attack unless the Dick is prepared, having characters succeed on either a chosen words specifically for DC 15 Charisma each of the girls. (Intimidation) check or a DC Dick doesn’t compete for 12 Charisma (Persuasion) the gold, though. Rather, his check, in addition to goal is to stump each of the roleplaying a convincing girls with a word he argument. associates with them—a Once the bandits are Dee prize worth more than any defeated or dealt with by other means, the characters material gain, especially after find Shore Road and travel along it for a few being thoroughly trounced the last go around. There uninteresting hours. This leads to Scene 3. is only one rule to the circle dirk (for both characters and players): No writing of any kind, whether on paper or in the air. Success must come from the mind Scene 3: Dick the Word Dirk alone! Each player can make an additional attempt at As you pass the road sign indicating that the outhouse of a spelling a word after a first incorrect letter by town known as Frontier lies five miles ahead, you spot a figure succeeding on a DC 15 Intelligence saving throw. A player can do this only once. in the distance. Despite the vista of the sparkling ocean Once the player has chosen forward or backward, thrashing against the cliffs below, you can’t help but watch Dick reveals the appropriate word for that character. this stranger as you draw ever closer. In fact, the closer you He pays 10 gp for each word spelled correctly. get, the more familiar the figure becomes—in no small part Betty: Minuscule (forward); caramel (backward) due to the fact that you half-recognize the patchwork • Violet: Genealogy (forward); technique (backward) assemblage of women’s clothing he’s wearing. • • Hannah: Liaison (forward); commitment (backward) • Dee: Sacrilegious (forward); weird (backward) Every time a word is spelled incorrectly, Dick celebrates the return of a small portion of his dignity.

Not for resale. Permission granted to print or photocopy this document for personal use only. The Hangover 6 Once the circle dirk is complete, Dick carries on “Now, let’s talk about what you owe us. We paid you to along Shore Road in the direction the characters came sneak us into this burg. You never delivered. I figure since we from, looking for other unfortunate travellers to paid you, I’ll need to find another way for you to earn that harass with spelling bees. After another hour of travel, the characters are coin.” caught up in Scene 4. He pauses as he scratches at his chin. “There’s a lockup in the center of town. Protected by the bumbling morons that would call themselves ‘the town Scene 4: The Gold Statue of watch’.” Larry huffs while throwing up air quotes. “Go in, retrieve my gold statue from the guardhouse, and bring it Impossible Gravity back. Simple. All the loose ends tied up in a tidy little bow. Larry Halfmandini and his pack of miscreant clowns “Or, you know…” were chased out of Frontier the previous night—but He taps the top of his sword pommel again and grins. not before they were stripped of the prize they’d stolen: the Gold Statue of Impossible Gravity. A rare magic item owned by a descendent of the retired Stealing the Statue adventurer who founded the village, the Gold Statue of Impossible Gravity was the one good thing to ever The Wonderful Halfmandinis are a crew of swindlers happen to Frontier, as any person in possession of it and charlatans who escaped custody in Frontier for never lost a paper from their desk ever again. robbing people blind. After originally paying the party The magic item is worth its to sneak them into town weight in gold, but there’s a inside the chest, their plan problem. The knee-high statue was simply to retrieve their of a person holding the Gold personal belongings. But Statue of Impossible Gravity now that they have a few (which coincidentally is also a fools they can use as a person holding a smaller distraction, they’ve decided version of the one holding to steal the Gold Statue of him) can be moved only if one Impossible Gravity again. knows the command phrase. The town is protected by Larry knows that the three guards. command phrase is “Good • Sheriff Anwan: A heavyset Luck Picking THAT Up” man in his thirties, Anwan (inflection on “THAT” is very has a bristling black beard important). But knowing how and is adorned with well the statue is protected, he loneliness. He likely cries in plans to ensure that the girls the shower. are caught in the act while • Sam: A young, starry-eyed helping him and his team, human, Sam believes that allowing the smidgens to Betty Frontier is the best and only extract the item while its town in existence. Literally. guards are distracted. Outsiders are a mystery to him, as he has no idea No Strength check, no matter how high, can move where they could possibly come from. Since nothing the statue. If the surface it sits on is shattered, the exists outside his town. item simply falls down with full force to the next • Francis: A gruff young human male, Francis closest surface. scrutinizes everything everyone says. All the time. When the characters arrive at Frontier, Larry sets It’s super annoying. out the terms of his deal. Of course, it’s possible that Frontier’s guardhouse is a two-story affair. The the girls simply attack the smidgen criminals. Then main level houses the two jail cells and a small office you can ignore everything I’ve wasted time writing. for Francis and Sam. Anwan’s office, where the statue is found, is up a set of stairs just off the second cell. It As you approach the edge of the dog turd known as Frontier, is always locked, and can be opened with the key with its manure-stained thatched roofs and equally stained Anwan carries or a successful DC 18 Dexterity check people, Larry and his team of circus performers come to an using thieves’ tools. There are windows on both the abrupt stop. His somewhat joyful demeanor changes as he main and upper level. (Adjust this description as plants a fist on the pommel of the shortsword at his side.

Not for resale. Permission granted to print or photocopy this document for personal use only. The Hangover 7 necessary if you have prepared a battle map for this (Intimidation) check—to take the ring and piss off. He location.) can also be convinced to piss off without the ring with If the statue is ever touched, it triggers an audible solid roleplaying and a successful DC 18 Charisma alarm spell that brings all three guards running. Once (Intimidation) check. Sheriff Anwan and the other two guards are Otherwise, he and his three friends attack to take sufficiently distracted by the characters’ attempt to the ring by force. Sir Dandeleone is a veteran and his steal the statue, Larry Halfmandini plans to sneak associates are thugs. Once Dandeleone is taken care through the window and snatch it. Larry makes his of one way or another, the players can safely enter move only after the alarm spell is triggered, and he town and enjoy the Epilogue. makes Dexterity (Stealth) checks at +6. If the characters are caught after Larry successfully absconds with the statue, enthusiastic roleplaying Epilogue and a successful DC 20 Charisma (Persuasion) check convinces Sheriff Anwan to let the party go. The Sir Dandeleone of Lavender is no further threat to you, and difficulty is lessened (DC 12) if they can somehow the last of the clues finally come together regarding the night return the Gold Statue of Impossible Gravity. If the of debauchery that led to you waking up in a strange forest. In players take a more aggressive approach to escaping the aftermath, you feel as though you might just take things the sheriff, a combat scene breaks out. The sheriff is a easy for a while. Even as you knock back another glass at the veteran and his two guards are thugs. Slobby Drunk Tavern. Once the Halfmandinis are taken care of and the Then you turn to see a man approach your table, his arms characters are set free, they enter Scene 5 after an hour on the road back to Palisade. crossed in anger. He looks vaguely familiar, and sports an angry wound above his upper lip. “You owe me five hundred gold pieces for the wagon and Scene 5: Stick the Landing horses you stole, plus the ale I was delivering.” The figure As the characters arrive back in Palisade, they find leans heavily on the table and glares directly at Hannah. “And the noble Sir Dandeleone of Lavender and his I’ll have my godsdamn moustache back, if you please.” personal guards already waiting for their return.

The familiar lines of Palisade beckon you home—its uneven perimeter wall, its rancid-cabbage smell, and its appalling attempts at architecture. Ah, yes, it’s good to be back. As you navigate the bumpy, seldom-repaired road into town, you see four people walk through the front gates and take up standing positions alongside it, as though waiting for your arrival. As a matter of small interest, they are armed and armored, but that’s likely just coincidental. As you draw near, a snotty-looking aristocrat steps forward from the group of stuffy fake knights. “Should I kill you now?” he calls. “Or wait for the trial and kill you after?” So, not so coincidental after all. “Thanks to a proper fellow by the name of Gary, we knew you were on your way back. Best keep this unfortunate business outside the town, yes?” You vaguely remember this man. Or at least you remember someone’s fist connecting with that face at some point between this moment and the black-hole fugue that is your memory of the previous night. “I want my ring back. You can hand it over now, or I can take it from your bloated carcasses. Your choice. And don’t bother running like cowards this time. We finish this. Today. ”

With suitable roleplaying, Sir Dandeleone can be convinced—with either a successful DC 20 Charisma (Persuasion) check or a DC 12 Charisma

Not for resale. Permission granted to print or photocopy this document for personal use only. The Hangover 8