The Reduced Lord of the Rings By Taruithorn
Dramatis Personae:
Actor 1: Frodo Actor 6: The Black Rider Denethor Tom Bombadil Gimli Actor 2: Sam Théoden Treebeard Éowyn Actor 7: ‘Proudfeet’ The Fox Actor 3: Mippin Barliman Elrond Actor 4: Host Watcher in the Water Gandalf The Balrog Narrator Éomer Glorfindel Saruman Galadriel
Note that division of roles amongst the actors doesn’t need to be arranged exactly as listed here, but this is a good starting point. It is fine to have more actors, but the play would have to be somewhat modified in order to stage with fewer than seven.
Page 1 The Props:
The Ring: A CD or a bangle. It needs to be large enough to be seen and to be thrown around a bit. Ideally it should be able to be broken by Bombadil in the reduced-reduced-reduced version. The Hobbit: An easily identifiable copy of the Hobbit. A Blue Sheet: Is used as the ford, the water outside Moria, the bridge of Khazhad-Dûm, the elven boat and the cracks of doom. A Chair: An ordinary chair, which will be sat upon by Théoden and Denethor, as well as stood upon by Frodo and Saruman. The 9: A piece of paper with a curvaceous 9 on it, that can be turned upside down to read as a 6. The Watcher in the Water: A scary toy. A ‘Cuddly Cthulu’ would be ideal. Shelob: A toy spider. A Sign: It reads ‘Welcome to Lothlórien — Blindfold your dwarves.’ Boromir’s Script: A pile of paper with ‘Alas, I am Slain. [fall down]’ written on the first sheet. The rest is blank. Two Horses: Coconuts or hobby-horses for the Black Rider, Glorfindel and Éomer. A Sword: Used by the Balrog, by Théoden, and by Éowyn. A Knife: Used by the black rider, by Mippin, by Frodo, and by Sam. The Mirror of Galadriel: A hand mirror. Saruman’s Staff: Something long that Gandalf can actually break. In the reduced reduced version, use a half of this and break it again. A Pipe or Cigarette or Joint: For Mippin to smoke. A Toy Rabbit: To be caught by Gollum. An Umbrella-staff: Carried by Gandalf. Gets opened when he defies the Balrog. Tom’s Hat: A hat with a blue feather. A Black Hooded Cloak: To be worn by the Black Rider / Witch-king. Flippers: For Gollum to wear on his feet. An Axe: Carried by Gimli. It helps to identify him and make his line funnier, but is not essential. Fluffy Slippers: To be worn by the Balrog. Fox Costume: A mask, or similar to identify the fox as a fox.
Page 2 Other Costumes: To be worn by other members of the cast when appropriate. The most important thing is to identify characters whose names are not mentioned at the start of the scene. Thus Barliman, for example, doesn’t really require one. Appendices Flipchart: A large flipchart with one page per appendix. Each page should be marked with the appropriate appendix letter and illustrated to fit the appendix. For example for Appendix B, the Tale of Years, we had a vertical timeline with three dates marked ‘3041 SA Sauron overthrown; c. 2670 Tobold plants ‘pipe-weed’ in the Southfarthing; 3019 Sauron overthrown (again).’
Stage Directions:
It is assumed that this will be a no-budget affair. That shouldn’t be a problem. Most directions are given explicitly in the script, but every time there is a row of stars, this signifies a scene change. A good way to do this is for someone to dim the lights until the new scene is ready to commence — ideally only a few seconds.
Page 3 The Script:
[The Host enters and warmly greets the audience, introducing the Reduced Lord of the Rings. The style and content can and should vary according to the audience.]
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[The lights remain down for this scene. All the cast are offstage and chant the following] Everyone: [chant] One ring to rule them all, one ring to find them, One ring to bring them all, and in the darkness bind them.
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Bilbo: I don’t know half of you half as well as I should like and I like less than half of you— Voice from offstage: —Proudfeet! [A loud bang, the lights flicker for a second and then go down]
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Gandalf: You still have the ring in your pocket Bilbo: So I do. It’s mine Gandalf: Leave Frodo the ring. Bilbo: OK. [Bilbo walks off singing ‘The road goes ever on’] [Frodo enters] Frodo: The ring. Has he left me that? I wonder why, still, it may be useful. Gandalf: It may and it may not. I should not make use of it if I were you, but keep it secret and keep it safe. Now I’m going to disappear for a few years. [Gandalf walks off] [Gandalf returns]
Page 4 Gandalf: I’m back. I have much to tell you. But it would be faster if you just read this. [Gandalf hands Frodo ‘The Hobbit’] Frodo: [looking at the book in bewilderment] I cannot read the fiery letters! Sam: [off stage] ‘Oo’s settin’ fire to my lettuce! Gandalf: Sam, how long have you been eavesdropping. [Sam enters] Sam: [quaking] Beggin’ your pardon sir, there aren’t no eaves at bag end, and that’s a fact. Please Mr. Frodo sir don’t let him turn me into somethin’ unnatural. Gandalf: you’re already 2 foot 9, with hairy feet. How much more unnatural would you like? I’ll send you off with your master.
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Sam: Hello Mippin, I’m glad you’ve agreed to come with us. [They all walk across the stage] Frodo: Time for bed. [They all lie down] [The Fox enters and looks about] Narrator: A fox passing through the wood on business of his own stopped several minutes and sniffed. The Fox: Hobbits! Narrator: —he thought. The Fox: Well, what next? I have heard of strange doings in this land, but I have seldom heard of a hobbit sleeping out of doors under a tree. Three of them! There’s something mighty queer behind this. Narrator: He was quite right, but he never found out any more about it.
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[They wake up and walk on for a way] [A black rider rides up behind them, sniffs, and rides away] Sam: the trees here look strange to me. Where are we anyway?
Page 5 Frodo: I’m tired, let’s lie down by this sinister tree trunk by the river. Mippin: Oh no! Frodo: Splash! Tom Bombadil: Hey dol! merry dol! ring a dong dillo! Ring a dong! hop along! fal lal the willow! Tom Bom, jolly Tom, Tom Bombadillo! [Hobbits arise and walk to Tom’s house] Tom: Have some butter and cheese and honey. Mippin: Excuse me Mr Bombadil, but didn’t Professor Tolkien once scribble in a margin referenced in the eighth volume of The Histories of Middle-earth that you have the power to destroy the ring, if only asked? Tom: Well, yes. Gandalf: [offstage] Stick to the plot! Tom: Time for hobbits to go. Wander off now, across the foggy and eerie downs. [Hobbits walk across the stage while offstage actors make eerie noises]
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Frodo: This is the place Gandalf said. Mr Butterbur? I am Mr Underhill. Barliman: Yes Mr Baggins. Have some beer and sing us a song. [Frodo gets up on the table] Frodo: [sings] Hey Diddle diddle the cat and the fiddle, The cow jumped over the moon, The little dog laughed to see such fun, And the dish ran away with the spoon.
[The lights flicker] Aragorn: Mr Underhill, there’s no need to make such an exhibition. There is an old poem that says ‘All that is gold does not glitter—’ Mippin: —Hang on a minute: doesn’t that mean ‘everything that is gold doesn’t glitter’? [Frodo holds up ring quizzically]
Page 6 Aragorn: Fool of a… [pauses while thinking] …Brandytook. Come along, we still have 52 more chapters to cover. Sam: And then there’s the appendices!
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[Hobbits sit in circle with strider. A black rider runs on stage, stabs Frodo, runs off.]
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Aragorn: Frodo is fading fast. Frodo: I’m not dead yet! Sam: Can’t you put some more chewed up leaves in his wound? [Glorfindel enters on his horse] Glorfindel: Ai na vedui Dúnadan! Mae govannen. Aragorn: This in Glorfindel. Mippin: Are you the same Glorfindel who killed the Balrog in the escape from Gondolin? Glorfindel. Yes. No. Come, I will take your friend to Rivendell. [They flee, and a black rider rides up behind them.] [Elrond appears and wraps up black rider in the blue sheet.]
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Elrond: As you know, Frodo Baggins, I, Elrond Lord of Rivendell [gestures all around], and my council have decided that the Ring must be destroyed in the fires whence it came. The number of the Black Riders is nine, [holds up a piece of paper with a curvaceous 9] and to oppose them we shall send you, the Six Walkers [he turns the paper upside-down to reveal a 6]. Gimli: That’s one point five each! Elrond: Representing the race of men… Aragorn: I am Aragorn son of Arathorn, and if by life or death I can save you, I will. Elrond: In the grey corner …
Page 7 Gandalf: Many are my names in many countries. Mithrandir among the Elves, Tharkûn to the Dwarves; Olórin I was in m— Elrond: —For the race of Hobbits, we have Frodo Baggins … Frodo: I will take the ring, though I do not know the way. Elrond : … Samwise Gamgee … Sam: And that’s a fact! Elrond: … and — what is Mippin short for anyway? Mippin: Periadoc Brandytook, at your service. Elrond: And representing the dwarves: Gimli: —And my axe!
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[The fellowship walk across stage left to right]
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[The fellowship walk across stage right to left]
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[A blue sheet lies on the ground with someone under it] Gimli: Ah, Moria! Khazhad-Dûm! The home of my fathers. Gandalf: [reading from gates] A password is needed to open these doors, they say ‘A confused citrus is dependable’. Frodo: Hmmm… How many letters? Gandalf: It doesn’t say [The fellowship give a series of suggestions and the audience is encouraged to join in. Eventually someone will say ‘melon’ and the doors open] Gandalf: Aha! The doors open! Sam: How is Bill going to climb all those stairs? Everybody else: Who’s Bill? Mippin: Wait, what stairs?
Page 8 [They start to enter Moria. Behind them, the person under the sheet holds out an arm with a threatening looking cuddly Cthulu (or similar ‘scary’ toy). No-one in the fellowship pays any attention]
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[The fellowship walk across stage] [Gandalf picks a book off the shelf] Gandalf: [reading] We cannot get out. The end comes …. drums, drums in the deep. They are coming [Drums begin beating off stage]
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[The fellowship are facing the Balrog. Gandalf and Balrog stand on Bridge, represented by a sheet folded on ground] Aragorn: A Balrog? Balrog: [in sepulchral tones] Ai, Ai, a Balrog! Gandalf: You cannot pass. I am a servant of the Secret Fire, wielder of the flame of Anor. You cannot pass. The dark fire will not avail you, flame of Udûn. Go back to the Shadow! You cannot pass Aragorn: He cannot stand alone! [Aragorn rushes forwards to help] [Gandalf breaks sheet with staff – they flail and fall] Sam: There goes Gandalf! Gandalf : I can fly you fools! [He opens his umbrella staff and pretends to float]
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[A prominent sign reads: ‘Welcome to Lothlórien – Blindfold your Dwarves’] Gimli: Oh no, not again.
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[Galadriel hold a hand mirror, Sam looks into it] Sam: I can see the Shire! It’s being destroyed! Frodo: Oh, are we including that bit? [Galadriel shows the mirror to Frodo, who holds it directly to his eye] Frodo: I can see an eye!
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Galadriel: And what gift would a dwarf ask of the Elves? Gimli Nothing, unless it might be — unless it is permitted to ask, nay, to name a single strand of your hair, which surpasses the gold of the earth as the stars surpass the gems of the mine. I do not ask for such a gift. But you commanded me to name my desire. Galadriel: By strand, do you mean, a lock, a tuft, a curl, a plait or a single hair? Gimli: [quietly] Yes.
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[Frodo and Sam sit on the blue sheet and pretend to row it down the river while singing ‘Row row row your beat, gently down the stream’]
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[The Host steps forward and addresses the audience] Host: We need a volunteer from the audience for this next bit. [The audience member comes onstage] [The Host hands them a script consisting of the lines ‘Alas, I am slain! [fall down]’ and a whole lot of blank paper] Host: When your prompt comes, read this and follow the stage direction. [The Orc rushes onstage and kills Boromir with a dagger, or (ideally) a toy bow] Boromir: Alas, I am slain.
Page 10 [Aragorn, Gimli, Frodo and Sam enter] Gimli: Alas poor Boromir, I knew him Horatio. [Meanwhile, Frodo and Sam tiptoe off stage]
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Aragorn: What news from the north, riders of Rohan? Éomer: [on horseback] Who are you, and what are you doing in this land? Gimli: We are the three hunters Éomer: What, both of you?
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Mippin: Hello, I’m Mippin, who are you? Treebeard: [very slowly!] Hrrrrmmmmhh, Iiiiii, aaaaaaaaam Treeeee—
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[Gimli and Aragorn are staring at Gandalf in shock] Aragorn: Gandalf! Gandalf: Yes, I was called that once.
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[Théoden sits in a chair, looking sleepy and old. A guard stands beside him] Gandalf: Théoden, son of Thengal, come out before your doors and look abroad. Your fingers would remember their old strength better if they grasped a sword hilt. Théoden: Bring me my sword. [The sword is given to him and he flourishes it grandly] Théoden: Forth Eorlingas!
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[Gollum is throttling Sam, Frodo has drawn his sword/knife.] Frodo: Let go Gollum! This is Sting. You have seen it before. Let go, or I'll cut your throat. Gollum: Don't hurt us! They won't hurt us will they, nice little hobbitses? Gollum, we'll be nice to them if they'll be nice to us, won't we, yes, yess. Frodo: I am still afraid, but yet, I will not touch the creature. For now that I see him, I do pity him. Gandalf: [in a dreamy voice offstage] Pity? It was Pity that stayed his hand. Pity, and Mercy: not to strike without need. Frodo: But we won't let you go. You're full of wickedness and mischief. You must help us if you can. Gollum: We promises, yes, I promise. I will serve the master of the precious. Good master, good Smeagol, gollum, gollum. Frodo: Are you hungry, Smeagol? We will spare you what we can of our elf bread. Gollum: No! Dust and ashes, he must starve. Poor thin Smeagol. Sam: Well see here old noser, I'd not be sorry for a change of food myself. Could you find anything fit for a hungry hobbit? Gollum: Smeagol always helps if they asks - if they asks nicely. [Gollum runs off, then runs back with a rabbit, while Sam mimes making a fire] Gollum: Smeagol has brought rabbits. Sam: I'm going to stew these coneys. Gollum: Spoil beautiful meat! What for? They are young, they are tender, they are nice. Eat them! Eat them! Give me fish now and keep nassty chips!
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[Gimli comes across Mippin, who sits casually, smoking a cigarette/joint] Gimli: 'You rascals, you woolly-footed and wool-pated truants! A fine hunt you have led us! Two hundred leagues, through fen and forest, battle and death, to rescue you! And here we find you feasting and idling — and smoking! Smoking! Where did you come by the weed, you villains? Hammer and tongs! I am so torn between rage and joy, that if I do not burst, it will be a marvel!
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Saruman: What have you to say, Théoden King? Will you have peace with me? Théoden: We will have peace. [Théoden holds up his hand] Yes, we will have peace, when you and all your works have perished. A lesser son of great sires am I, but I do not need to lick your fingers. Turn elsewhither. Saruman: Dotard! What is the house of Eorl but a thatched barn where brigands drink in the reek, and their brats roll on the floor among the dogs? But you, Gandalf! How comes it that you can endure such company? Are we not both members of a high and ancient order, most excellent in Middle- earth? Our friendship would profit us both alike. Gandalf: [laughing] Saruman, Saruman! Saruman, you missed your path in life. You should have been the king's jester and earned your bread, and stripes too, by mimicking his counsellors. You may go free, but you will first surrender to me the Key of Orthanc, and your staff. They shall be pledges of your conduct, to be returned later, if you merit them. Saruman: Later! Later! Yes, when you also have the Keys of Barad-dûr itself, I suppose; and the crowns of seven kings, and the rods of the Five Wizards, and have purchased yourself a pair of boots many sizes larger than those that you wear now. A modest plan. Good day! Gandalf: Come back, Saruman! I did not give you leave to go. Behold, I am not Gandalf the Grey, whom you betrayed. I am Gandalf the White, who has returned from death. You have no colour now, and I cast you from the order and from the Council. [In a clear cold voice:] Saruman, your staff is broken. [Gandalf breaks the staff in two.]
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[Frodo and Sam creep across the stage together. Gollum enters behind them holding aloft the Shelob spider] [The actors off stage call out ‘She’s behind you!!’, encouraging everyone into some pantomime fun] [Frodo and Sam look back and Gollum hides the spider behind him.] Frodo: Oh no she isn’t! Audience and off-stage actors: Oh yes she is! [Repeat the above for as long as it is fun (two or three times total?)]
Page 13 [Eventually they see Shelob and flee off stage with Gollum/Shelob in pursuit.] [They then run back out, pursued by Gollum/Shelob.]
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[Mippin kneels before Denethor] Mippin: Here do I swear fealty and service to Gondor, and to the Lord and Steward of the realm, until my lord release me, or death take me, or the world end. So say I, Periadoc son of… [pauses to think] Saladin. [From the other side of the stage (behind Mippin’s back), Théoden enters and coughs.] [Mippin hurries over to kneel before Théoden, looking abashed.] Mippin: [very quickly] ‘Here do I swear fealty and service to Rohan, and to Théoden, King of the Mark, until my sire release me, or death take me, or the world end. So say I, Mippin. Denethor: [from behind, in a solemn tone] I will not forget it, nor fail to reward that which is given: fealty with love, valour with honour, oath-breaking with vengeance.
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Aragorn: What do you fear, lady? Éowyn: A cage. To stay behind bars, until use and old age accept them, and all chance of doing great deeds is gone beyond recall or desire.
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Sam: Are we there yet? Frodo: No.
* * * * * * * * * * [In a row, from left to right stand Éowyn, The Witchking, Gandalf, Mippin and Denethor. The Witchking and Gandalf are facing each other, Éowyn is standing passively to the left, Mippin and Gandalf are standing together passively to the right. The Witch King wears a black hooded cloak]
Page 14 Gandalf: You cannot enter here. Go back. Fall into the nothingness that awaits you and your Master. Go! Witchking: [throwing back his hood, revealing his feathered cap] Old fool! This is my hour. Do you not know Bombadil when you see him? Gandalf: [incredulously] Tom Bombadil!? Bombadil: Surely you at least, Loremaster, should have spotted that my lesser- known full name, Tom ‘Makingwaith’ Bombadil, is an anagram of ‘I’m A Bombastic Old Witchking’?
Mippin: He is not dead, and they will burn him alive, if someone does not stop them! [Denethor cackles madly. Gandalf turns towards him and sweeps him offstage]
[Bombadil turns and sees Éowyn] Bombadil: Thou fool. No living man may hinder me! Éowyn: But no living man am I! You stand between me and my lord and kin. Begone, if you be not deathless! For living or dark undead, I will smite you, if you touch him. [Mippin thinks for a moment, then runs across stage and stabs Bombadil in the calf. Bombadil looks round. Éowyn slays Bombadil.]
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[The sheet is laid out on the ground representing the mouth of the volcano] [Frodo stands at the edge of the volcano looking down. Sam stands some distance away. Gollum lurks behind] Frodo: I will not do this deed. The Ring is mine! [Frodo puts on the ring. The lights flicker, and everyone freezes. While this is happening Frodo rushes offstage. The lights come back on. Gollum then prances in mock combat with an invisible Frodo. Eventually, he makes a big bite action right on the precipice. At this moment the lights flicker again, everyone freezes and Frodo returns with his hand at Gollum’s mouth. When the lights stop flickering, Frodo screams and Gollum falls dramatically into the cracks of doom] [Sam approaches Frodo to see if he is alright.] Frodo: I am glad you are here with me. Here at the end of all things, Sam. [Pause]
Page 15 Sam: And that’s a fact. Frodo: [looking up and pointing] The eagles are coming! Sam: About bloody time.
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Everyone else: Hooray!
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[Sam has knife at Saruman’s throat] Sam: We’ve got you now, Sharkey! Frodo: Do not kill him. He was great once, of a noble kind that we should not dare to raise our hands against. Mippin: But think of the experience points!
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[Sam walks on stage from the side, pauses and addresses the audience.] Sam: Well, I’m back.
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[An actor comes onstage and flips through the appendices flip-chart (at about five seconds per page)]
Page 16 The Reduced Reduced Lord of the Rings
[The lights come up and the Host runs onstage gesturing wildly at a clock/watch. The host then quickly berates the cast for not doing it quickly enough. For example:] Host: No, no, no! I told you to do it quickly! That took us 23 minutes. It was longer than the original! Again! From the top! And this time, do it quickly!
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[The lights remain down for this scene. All the cast are offstage and chant the following] Everyone: [chant] One ring to rule them all, … and in the darkness bind them.
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Bilbo: I like less than half of you— Voice in background: —Proudfeet! [A loud bang, lights flicker for a second and then go down] [Bilbo throws the Ring to Frodo] Gandalf: I’m back. Read this. [Gandalf hands Frodo ‘The Hobbit’] Gandalf: I’ll send you off with your master. Sam: And that’s a fact!
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[Mippin joins the party and waves] [Fox runs across stage] Sam: The trees here look strange to me. Tom Bombadil: [sings very quickly] Hey dol! merry dol! ring a dong dillo! [Frodo quickly gets up on the table] Frodo: [sings] Hey diddle diddle the spoon!
Page 17 [Lights flicker] Aragorn: All that is gold does not glitter. Mippin: Shiny!
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[Hobbits sit in circle with strider. A black rider runs on stage, stabs Frodo, runs off] [They flee and the black rider rides behind them] [Elrond appears and wraps up black rider in the blue sheet]
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[Elrond turns the piece of paper upside down] Gimli: And my axe!
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[A blue sheet lies on the ground with someone under it] Gandalf: [reading from gates] Five letters. A large green fruit. [The fellowship (or an audience member) yell out ‘melon’ and the doors open] [They start to enter Moria. Behind them, the person under the sheet holds out an arm with a threatening looking cuddly Cthulu. No-one in the fellowship pays any attention]
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[The fellowship are facing the Balrog. Gandalf and Balrog stand on Bridge, represented by sheet folded on ground] Gandalf: You cannot pass. [Gandalf breaks sheet with staff – they flail and fall] Gandalf : I can fly you fools! [He opens his umbrella staff and pretends to float]
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[Galadriel hold a hand mirror, Sam looks into it.] Sam: I can see the Shire! It’s being destroyed! Frodo: Oh, are we including that bit? Galadriel: Not this time!
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[The Orc runs down and attacks the previous volunteer-Boromir in audience.]
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Gimli: I am the three hunters.
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Treebeard: [very slowly, as if he is still going from last time] Treeeeeee beeeeaaar—
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[The sword is given to him and he flourishes it grandly] Théoden: Forth Eorlingas!
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[Gollum is throttling Sam, Frodo has drawn his sword/knife] Frodo: Let go Gollum! If you won’t help us I’ll cut your throat. Gollum: Spoil beautiful meat! What for?
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Page 19 Saruman: What have you to say, Théoden King? Will you have peace with me? Théoden: Peace? Peace, I hate the word! As I hate hell, all Montagues and thee! Gandalf: Saruman your staff is broken. [Gandalf takes the remaining half of Saruman’s staff and breaks it in two]
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[Gollum throws Shelob at Frodo and Sam]
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[Mippin kneels down in front of both Théoden and Denethor] Mippin: Here do I swear fealty and service to Gondor slash Rohan delete as applicable, and to the Lord and Steward slash King of the realm, until my lord release me, or death take me, or the world end. So say I, Mippin.
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Sam: Are we there yet? Frodo: No.
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Bombadil: [to Gandalf] Old fool! Do you not know Bombadil when you see him? Bombadil: [turns to Éowyn] Thou fool. No living man may hinder me! Éowyn: But no living man am I! [Mippin runs across stage and stabs Bombadil in the calf. Bombadil looks round. Éowyn slays Bombadil]
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Page 20 Frodo: I will not do this deed. The Ring is mine! [The lights flicker] Sam: And that’s a fact.
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Everyone else: Hooray!
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Sam: [slowly] Well, I’m back.
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[An actor comes out and flips frantically through the appendices.]
Page 21 The Reduced, Reduced, Reduced Lord of the Rings
[The lights come up and the Host runs onstage gesturing wildly at a clock/watch, then berates the cast for still being far too slow.]
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[The lights remain down for this scene. All the cast are offstage and chant] Everyone: [chant] One ring to bind them.
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Voice in background: —Proudfeet! [A loud bang, lights flicker for a second and then go down] [Bilbo throws the Ring to Frodo] Gandalf: I’m back. Read this. [Gandalf hands Frodo ‘The Hobbit’] Gandalf: I’ll send you off with your master. Sam: And that’s a fact!
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[Mippin joins the party and waves] [Fox runs across stage] Sam: The trees here look strange to me. Tom Bombadil: [sings very quickly] Hey dol! merry dol! ring a dong dillo! Mippin: Excuse me Mr. Bombadil, but didn’t Professor Tolkien once say that you have the power to destroy the ring, if only asked? Tom Bombadil: Well, yes. [Frodo hands Tom Bombadil the ring and Tom breaks it]
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Page 22