The Reduced Lord of the Rings By Taruithorn Dramatis Personae: Actor 1: Frodo Actor 6: The Black Rider Denethor Tom Bombadil Gimli Actor 2: Sam Théoden Treebeard Éowyn Actor 7: ‘Proudfeet’ The Fox Actor 3: Mippin Barliman Elrond Actor 4: Host Watcher in the Water Gandalf The Balrog Narrator Éomer Glorfindel Saruman Galadriel Actor 5: Bilbo Aragorn Gollum Note that division of roles amongst the actors doesn’t need to be arranged exactly as listed here, but this is a good starting point. It is fine to have more actors, but the play would have to be somewhat modified in order to stage with fewer than seven. Page 1 The Props: The Ring: A CD or a bangle. It needs to be large enough to be seen and to be thrown around a bit. Ideally it should be able to be broken by Bombadil in the reduced-reduced-reduced version. The Hobbit: An easily identifiable copy of the Hobbit. A Blue Sheet: Is used as the ford, the water outside Moria, the bridge of Khazhad-Dûm, the elven boat and the cracks of doom. A Chair: An ordinary chair, which will be sat upon by Théoden and Denethor, as well as stood upon by Frodo and Saruman. The 9: A piece of paper with a curvaceous 9 on it, that can be turned upside down to read as a 6. The Watcher in the Water: A scary toy. A ‘Cuddly Cthulu’ would be ideal. Shelob: A toy spider. A Sign: It reads ‘Welcome to Lothlórien — Blindfold your dwarves.’ Boromir’s Script: A pile of paper with ‘Alas, I am Slain. [fall down]’ written on the first sheet. The rest is blank. Two Horses: Coconuts or hobby-horses for the Black Rider, Glorfindel and Éomer. A Sword: Used by the Balrog, by Théoden, and by Éowyn. A Knife: Used by the black rider, by Mippin, by Frodo, and by Sam. The Mirror of Galadriel: A hand mirror. Saruman’s Staff: Something long that Gandalf can actually break. In the reduced reduced version, use a half of this and break it again. A Pipe or Cigarette or Joint: For Mippin to smoke. A Toy Rabbit: To be caught by Gollum. An Umbrella-staff: Carried by Gandalf. Gets opened when he defies the Balrog. Tom’s Hat: A hat with a blue feather. A Black Hooded Cloak: To be worn by the Black Rider / Witch-king. Flippers: For Gollum to wear on his feet. An Axe: Carried by Gimli. It helps to identify him and make his line funnier, but is not essential. Fluffy Slippers: To be worn by the Balrog. Fox Costume: A mask, or similar to identify the fox as a fox. Page 2 Other Costumes: To be worn by other members of the cast when appropriate. The most important thing is to identify characters whose names are not mentioned at the start of the scene. Thus Barliman, for example, doesn’t really require one. Appendices Flipchart: A large flipchart with one page per appendix. Each page should be marked with the appropriate appendix letter and illustrated to fit the appendix. For example for Appendix B, the Tale of Years, we had a vertical timeline with three dates marked ‘3041 SA Sauron overthrown; c. 2670 Tobold plants ‘pipe-weed’ in the Southfarthing; 3019 Sauron overthrown (again).’ Stage Directions: It is assumed that this will be a no-budget affair. That shouldn’t be a problem. Most directions are given explicitly in the script, but every time there is a row of stars, this signifies a scene change. A good way to do this is for someone to dim the lights until the new scene is ready to commence — ideally only a few seconds. Page 3 The Script: [The Host enters and warmly greets the audience, introducing the Reduced Lord of the Rings. The style and content can and should vary according to the audience.] * * * * * * * * * * [The lights remain down for this scene. All the cast are offstage and chant the following] Everyone: [chant] One ring to rule them all, one ring to find them, One ring to bring them all, and in the darkness bind them. * * * * * * * * * * Bilbo: I don’t know half of you half as well as I should like and I like less than half of you— Voice from offstage: —Proudfeet! [A loud bang, the lights flicker for a second and then go down] * * * * * * * * * * Gandalf: You still have the ring in your pocket Bilbo: So I do. It’s mine Gandalf: Leave Frodo the ring. Bilbo: OK. [Bilbo walks off singing ‘The road goes ever on’] [Frodo enters] Frodo: The ring. Has he left me that? I wonder why, still, it may be useful. Gandalf: It may and it may not. I should not make use of it if I were you, but keep it secret and keep it safe. Now I’m going to disappear for a few years. [Gandalf walks off] [Gandalf returns] Page 4 Gandalf: I’m back. I have much to tell you. But it would be faster if you just read this. [Gandalf hands Frodo ‘The Hobbit’] Frodo: [looking at the book in bewilderment] I cannot read the fiery letters! Sam: [off stage] ‘Oo’s settin’ fire to my lettuce! Gandalf: Sam, how long have you been eavesdropping. [Sam enters] Sam: [quaking] Beggin’ your pardon sir, there aren’t no eaves at bag end, and that’s a fact. Please Mr. Frodo sir don’t let him turn me into somethin’ unnatural. Gandalf: you’re already 2 foot 9, with hairy feet. How much more unnatural would you like? I’ll send you off with your master. * * * * * * * * * * Sam: Hello Mippin, I’m glad you’ve agreed to come with us. [They all walk across the stage] Frodo: Time for bed. [They all lie down] [The Fox enters and looks about] Narrator: A fox passing through the wood on business of his own stopped several minutes and sniffed. The Fox: Hobbits! Narrator: —he thought. The Fox: Well, what next? I have heard of strange doings in this land, but I have seldom heard of a hobbit sleeping out of doors under a tree. Three of them! There’s something mighty queer behind this. Narrator: He was quite right, but he never found out any more about it. * * * * * * * * * * [They wake up and walk on for a way] [A black rider rides up behind them, sniffs, and rides away] Sam: the trees here look strange to me. Where are we anyway? Page 5 Frodo: I’m tired, let’s lie down by this sinister tree trunk by the river. Mippin: Oh no! Frodo: Splash! Tom Bombadil: Hey dol! merry dol! ring a dong dillo! Ring a dong! hop along! fal lal the willow! Tom Bom, jolly Tom, Tom Bombadillo! [Hobbits arise and walk to Tom’s house] Tom: Have some butter and cheese and honey. Mippin: Excuse me Mr Bombadil, but didn’t Professor Tolkien once scribble in a margin referenced in the eighth volume of The Histories of Middle-earth that you have the power to destroy the ring, if only asked? Tom: Well, yes. Gandalf: [offstage] Stick to the plot! Tom: Time for hobbits to go. Wander off now, across the foggy and eerie downs. [Hobbits walk across the stage while offstage actors make eerie noises] * * * * * * * * * * Frodo: This is the place Gandalf said. Mr Butterbur? I am Mr Underhill. Barliman: Yes Mr Baggins. Have some beer and sing us a song. [Frodo gets up on the table] Frodo: [sings] Hey Diddle diddle the cat and the fiddle, The cow jumped over the moon, The little dog laughed to see such fun, And the dish ran away with the spoon. [The lights flicker] Aragorn: Mr Underhill, there’s no need to make such an exhibition. There is an old poem that says ‘All that is gold does not glitter—’ Mippin: —Hang on a minute: doesn’t that mean ‘everything that is gold doesn’t glitter’? [Frodo holds up ring quizzically] Page 6 Aragorn: Fool of a… [pauses while thinking] …Brandytook. Come along, we still have 52 more chapters to cover. Sam: And then there’s the appendices! * * * * * * * * * * [Hobbits sit in circle with strider. A black rider runs on stage, stabs Frodo, runs off.] * * * * * * * * * * Aragorn: Frodo is fading fast. Frodo: I’m not dead yet! Sam: Can’t you put some more chewed up leaves in his wound? [Glorfindel enters on his horse] Glorfindel: Ai na vedui Dúnadan! Mae govannen. Aragorn: This in Glorfindel. Mippin: Are you the same Glorfindel who killed the Balrog in the escape from Gondolin? Glorfindel. Yes. No. Come, I will take your friend to Rivendell. [They flee, and a black rider rides up behind them.] [Elrond appears and wraps up black rider in the blue sheet.] * * * * * * * * * * Elrond: As you know, Frodo Baggins, I, Elrond Lord of Rivendell [gestures all around], and my council have decided that the Ring must be destroyed in the fires whence it came. The number of the Black Riders is nine, [holds up a piece of paper with a curvaceous 9] and to oppose them we shall send you, the Six Walkers [he turns the paper upside-down to reveal a 6]. Gimli: That’s one point five each! Elrond: Representing the race of men… Aragorn: I am Aragorn son of Arathorn, and if by life or death I can save you, I will. Elrond: In the grey corner … Page 7 Gandalf: Many are my names in many countries. Mithrandir among the Elves, Tharkûn to the Dwarves; Olórin I was in m— Elrond: —For the race of Hobbits, we have Frodo Baggins … Frodo: I will take the ring, though I do not know the way.