Literary Horizon An International Peer-Reviewed English Journal Vol. 1, Issue 1 www.literaryhorizon.com February, 2021

Shagless and Rationing Sex

Dr. Vipan B Kumar Advocate, Mumbai High Court, Mumbai, Maharashtra, India.

Physical intimacy and sexuality including coitus is an essential ingredient which is an integral part of matrimony and cements marital relationship. It is the elixir of life and an invigorating force that makes life worth living with enthusiasm and bonding. Generally, most of us take sexual relationship for granted by virtue of one‘s marriage to our spouse or due to natural intimacy that couples develop as a result of interpersonal interaction. However, nurturing of sexual intimacy is often not considered as a conscious effort, gradually paving the way for problems by influx of time, erosion of novelty, increasing responsibilities and various other factors. The word ―sex‖ and sexuality topics are a taboo and inhibiting in our society and culture, so much so that even healthy and normal discussion on it is considered to be indecent, restrictive and uncomfortable. The irrational beliefs and myths related to sexuality continues to be reinforced and go unchallenged, strengthening resistance and diffidence with respect to sex, even between couples, who are generally adults and in committed relationship or married. Sexual knowledge and information is generally informally acquired and not appropriately channelised in many cases, giving rise to misinformation, irrational beliefs and myths that not only are a cause of many medical and psychological concerns as well as legal issues but also causes irreparable damage to interpersonal relationships, erodes the charm of intimacy, married life and various relationships that are dependent on it or arising out of it.

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Coitus and sexuality are closely associated with and boosted by many factors which may include but are not limited to one‘s beliefs, values, preferences, habits, communication skills, interpersonal interaction, temperamental factors, perception, thoughts, etc. Sex between two individuals should be voluntary, healthy, satisfactory and acceptable to both the participating individuals if it has to be fun and relaxing activity. It should always be a fun-filled and engrossing activity that is devoid of compulsion, anxiety and stress. However, human relationships are a mixture of complex emotions, each impinging on them in varying degrees at a given period of time. Synchronizing and regulating various emotions with relationship and intimacy is a skill which unfortunately many of us has never been taught or ever have we made attempts to learn and understand this art, which we often wrongly assume as a natural process and in most cases take it for granted, thereby laying the foundation of interpersonal conflict and dissatisfaction. The subjective dissatisfaction in the area of sexual relationships largely arises from non- sexual factors but the cleavage of this conflict and its escalation is seen in the bed and effect‘s one‘s sexual functioning as well as satisfaction, gradually paving the way for death knell of a matrimonial bond. Sexual activity is the barometer of intimacy and a healthy matrimonial bond. It is a reflection of one‘s emotional state and psychological adjustment. A disturbance in sexual activity is an indicator that one‘s mental state needs attention and an expert intervention so that corrective steps can be taken to nip the damaging effects and spill over of this problem on other relationships. There are a growing number of clients whom we encounter in our regular practice whose presenting complaints include unconsummated marriage, shagless marriage or a matrimonial issue where one spouse uses sex as a manipulation tool to vent resentment, frustration or fulfill some ulterior motives. In few cases, one spouse may not be interested in sex or sexual activity

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Literary Horizon An International Peer-Reviewed English Journal Vol. 1, Issue 1 www.literaryhorizon.com February, 2021

where as other spouse would be high on sexual appetite. This mismatch gets not only the couple, but also their families in legal quagmire which is not easily resolved. One of my colleagues, who happened to be my client, came with a presenting complaint that her husband, a President of a leading software company and having a history of extramarital affairs was a flirt and had another new affair with her Office Assistant. On deeper analysis, after couple counseling, with great difficult it surfaced that his was a sexless marriage where the wife had a low , high unrealistic, moralistic standards and certain irrational beliefs with regard to sexuality, whereas the husband was high on sexual desire and his sexual needs were not fulfilled. Moreover he, as opposed to his educated doctorate wife, was innovative and Experimentative with regard to sexuality. It was a herculean task to lower wife‘s defenses and irrational beliefs associated with sexuality. Through Socratic questioning, enlightenment gradually dawned on her and she did feel, after few counseling sessions, that there was a need for her to change considerably. One question posed to her was the game changer. She was asked to rate on a scale of 01 to 10 her need for sex and desire to indulge in it and related activities as well as rate for her husband the same. She chose 03 for her and 10 for her husband. She was then questioned as to ―how her husband, will fulfill the said gap of 07?‖. It is this gap that is one of the major causes of his extramarital affair and other related acts. After multiple periodic counseling sessions, not only was the litigation installed and withdrawn but their sexual functioning and subjective satisfaction, at least for wife, increased considerably over a period of next few months. It was considerable challenge to explain to the said client by a team of Psychologists to introduce variety and novelty in sex and lowering her judgmental nature and moralistic inhibitions during having intimate contacts with her spouse. Sexual difficulties such as painful coitus also called as dyspareunia or vaginismus, aversion to sex, low sexual desire, premature , or any other type of , can be easily corrected through proper medical and psychological

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Literary Horizon An International Peer-Reviewed English Journal Vol. 1, Issue 1 www.literaryhorizon.com February, 2021

intervention, provided it is noted early and both the spouses or partners decide to jointly approach the concerned specialist at the earliest, without indulging in blame game and accusations against each other leading to any further conflict or deterioration of their interpersonal relationships. Sexual difficulties which are in the nature of manipulation, such as sex strike, rationing of sex, withholding sex for long duration, is a result of poor handling of the interpersonal conflict or due to personality factors and psychological issues either related to one spouse or to both of them. The conduct of one spouse in using sex as a tool to manipulate the other is a serious issue that damages the matrimonial bond and needs urgent expert intervention. It also has considerable legal implications. Sex Strike or sex boycott is not new and has ancient roots. It is a theme of the famous comedy play by Aristophanes dating back to 411 B.C(1). In this play it is depicted that a middle class housewife from Athenes organises women from various Greek City States to strike sex as a means to negotiate peace and end the Peloponnesian War. More recently, American actress Alyssa Milano advocated sex strike, through a tweet, by urging women to stop having sex until bodily autonomy is granted to women(2). Her tweet was a protest against strict abortion bans. Sex strike when it occurs at a purely individual level in one‘s bedroom, due to stupid reason such as not shaving one‘s armpit or pubic hair, not wearing a particular brand of undergarment, compelling the spouse to give up a particular perfume or cream as its smell is not appreciated, snapping ties with one‘s sister or with a particular friend whom your spouse does not like or any other idiosyncratic and irrational condition imposed by one spouse on the other is highly damaging and detrimental to any including marriage. Its repeated use and prolonged extension can take legal recourse and end of a relationship. A somewhat related issue is of shagless marriage, unconsummated marriage or prolonged absence of sex in a marriage. As a result of such condition, not only is the intimacy weakened but relationships crumble beyond repair which cannot be salvaged even by the protection of the

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Literary Horizon An International Peer-Reviewed English Journal Vol. 1, Issue 1 www.literaryhorizon.com February, 2021

law. Indian as well as courts everywhere in the world has dissolved sexless marriage, especially unconsummated marriage, irrespective of its cause. A sexless marriage is one in which there has been no sexual activity during the past one year or less than 10 sexual encounters in a year, whereas the average norm as per different studies ranges between 58 to 67. Apex Court in the case of Vidhya Viswanathan vs. Kartik Balakrishnan, AIR 2015 SC 285,(3) has held that not allowing a spouse for long time to have by his or her partner, without sufficient reason, itself amounted to mental cruelty to such spouse and the said marriage needs dissolution. Similar view has also been taken in the case of Samar Gosh vs Jaya Ghosh (2007) 4 SCC 511(4). Apex Court in Narayan Ganesh Dastane vs Sucheta Narayan Dastane [1975 AIR 1534, 1975 SCR (3) 967](5) as well as in Praveen Mehta Vs Inderjeet Mehta, [(2002) 5 Supreme Court Cases 706, 2002 AIR (SC) 2582,(6) has noted that sex is the foundation of marriage and that sex plays an important role in marital life and cannot be separated from other factors which lend to matrimony a sense of fruition and fulfillment. The Delhi High Court in the case of Rita Nijhawan vs. Balakishan Nijhawan (AIR 1973 Delhi 200),(7) has stated, ‗Marriage without sex is an anathema….. without a vigorous and harmonious sexual activity it would be impossible for any marriage to continue for long….‖ The said judge has also stated that ―sexual relations when happy and harmonious vivifies 's brain, develops her character and trebles her vitality. It must be recognised that nothing is more fatal to marriage than disappointments in sexual intercourse.‖ Very recently High Court of Delhi in the case of Kamini Sondhi vs Kapil Sondhi [2016 (233) DLT 641, 2017 (1) CivCC 260, 2017 (169) ALLINDCAS 795],(8) upheld the judgment of Family Court and dissolved the sexless marriage of couple. The Court in doing so, besides relying on the earlier cited judgment in the case of Rita Nijhawan vs. Balakishan Nijhawan (supra), also relied upon Vinita Saxena vs.

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Pankaj Pandit [(2006) 3 SCC 778],(9) and Pinki Jain vs. Sanjay Jain [(2005) I DMC 241 (Del.)(10) It is estimated by various research studies that the prevalence rates of unconsummated marriage, defined as one in which the newly married couple has not had sex or were not able to have penetrative sex, generally range between 10 to 20 percentages. The longest reported case of unconsummated marriage has been 21 years. It has also been observed that traditional societies including Middle Eastern and Oriental societies have high prevalence rate of unconsummated marriage, a condition which is generally treatable, but couple‘s reluctance and resistance is the source of trouble they encounter in such . The most difficult to treat and handle is the rationing of sex or sex strike which women generally indulge in either to get what they desire or control their spouse in a desired and wishful direction. The prevalence rate of marriages in which sex is rationed or made conditional is about 40 percent. Mostly such sex rationing or conditional sex occurs in cases where spouses, generally women, may have lack of emotional and social maturity, less exposure to outside world, poor understanding of the nature of human conduct and irrational beliefs related to sex and sexual activities. Such individuals are also highly impulsive and cognitively restricted. These individuals who ration sex also show reluctance to change. They adopt rigid behavior and inflexible thought processes and prognosis appears to be slow and poor in their cases despite all efforts of the Psychologist as well as the participating spouse. Most such women who face legal consequences for rationing sex or make their marriage shagless and marital bond redundant, almost always defend themselves by using denial mode, raising the bogey of cruelty on her by the spouse, or allegations of illicit relationships and such other acts. Denial of sex, rationing of sex, sexless or unconsummated marriage is considered as a cruelty under the India matrimonial laws and marriage can be dissolved and has been dissolved by the various High Courts as well as Apex Court including High Courts of Rajasthan(11), Madras(12) and Mumbai(13, 14).

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One spouse needs to treat other with respect, sensitivity and empathy, if sexual receptivity and romantic feelings have to be generated and maintained. Prolonged and repeated ―No‖, ―Not today‖, ―I am not in a mood‖, ―I am not OK‖, ―I am tired‖, etc., without any diagnosed medical condition or any preconditions laid for having sex are not only obnoxious and repulsive in nature but can also drive the frustrated spouse to seek satisfaction of his needs and coziness of emotional comfort outside, just as he/she would have food or a drink outside when it is not available in the house. Warmth, receptivity, indulgent conduct, with no judgment and morals attached to your spouse‘s actions is what is generally preferred by most, especially men. The statement of Marquis de Sade is worth noting in this regard, ―Sex is as important as eating or drinking and we ought not to allow the one appetite to be satisfied with as little restraint or false as the other‖15. As sexual dissatisfaction and frustration seeps in a relationship, the resulting cracks are difficult to be repaired. A broken trust, a wounded self-esteem, and a feeling that your spouse does not care for you or is not concerned with your needs or not natural in their response is frustrating and repulsive. Achieving resilience in matrimonial relationship is not as easy as most of the time sexual intimacy between couples is not as elastic as is very often assumed. Hence, it needs to be remembered that satiation of sexual needs should be the central objective of intimate romantic relationship or matrimonial bond. It should also be remembered that in India we do not have good marriage counselors and the orientation and process of undergoing counseling is also not there among the prospective clients. Moreover, the cost and the lengthy duration of counseling and the gradual nature of the changes that occur are other limiting factors that couples need to understand. Always tread the matrimonial life and intimate relationships with considerable care and precaution so that sex is not rationed or its supply restrained and all resources for maintaining and enhancing sexual intimacy and receptivity are looked in to. It should be remembered that sex should not only be

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sizzling but also entertaining, participating and filled with communication that is ‗stroking‘. It need not be restraining and limiting, and in no way it needs to be made conditional or rationed, if long term derailment in matrimonial bonding is to be avoided. References: 1. Aristophanes,. (n.d). Lysistrata Retrieved from http:// self.gutenberg.org/ 2. https://www.usatoday.com/story/life/people/2019/05/11/alyssa-milano-calls-sex- strike-protest-anti-abortion-laws/1174983001/ 3. Vidhya Viswanathan vs. Kartik Balakrishnan, AIR 2015 SC 285. 4. Samar Gosh vs Jaya Ghosh (2007) 4 SCC 511. 5. Narayan Ganesh Dastane vs Sucheta Narayan Dastane , 1975 AIR 1534, 1975 SCR (3) 967. 6. Praveen Mehta vs Inderjeet Mehta, 2002 AIR (SC) 2582, (2002) 5 Supreme Court Cases 706. 7. Rita Nijhawan vs. Balakishan Nijhawan, AIR 1973 Delhi 200. 8. Vinita Saxena vs. Pankaj Pandit, (2006) 3 SCC 778. 9. Pinki Jain vs. Sanjay Jain (2005) I DMC 241 (Del) 10. Mamta Goyal vs Ram Gopal, 2011, AIR (Raj) 107, 2011 (3) CivCC, 754. 11. S Indirakumari vs S. Subbaiah, 1994, 2003 (1) CTC 259, I (2003) DMC 668, (2003) 2 MLJ 148. 12. Neelam Sanjay Chaurasia vs Sanjay Hanuman Prasad Chaurasia, FCA 153 of 2013, Judgment dated 16 January 2014 of Bombay High Court. 13. Reshma Rakesh Kadam vs Rakesh Vijay Kadam, FCA no 141 of 2012, judgment dated 04th December, 2013 of Bombay High Court. 14. https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/marquis-de-sade-quotes

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