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Hristo Krstevski Pasija Po Matej HRISTO KRSTEVSKI PASIJA PO MATEJ Hristo Krstevski Pasija po Matej PASIJA PO MATEJ Roman za letaweto, begaweto i pa|aweto od viso~inite "Ako nekoj e sakan od Gospoda, toj umira mlad." Plaut Hristo Krstevski Pasija po Matej Ova e nova, dorabotena, pro{irena, dopolneta i sosema vidoizmeneta verzija na mojot roman "Gnila kobila", {to izleze od pe~at vo 2000-ta godina, vo Kultura, Skopje. Noviot naziv za detskata igra "kikara" vo potpolnost go zamenuva stariot termin, bidej}i ima ista semanti~ka vrednost, no ovojpat so edna mo{ne karakteristi~na dodavka, koja vo svojot dijalekti~ko-provinciski kontekst vklu~uva i izvesna aluzija za nekakva na{a, doma{na, skriena i zlobna podbi{ega. Inaku, poimot "gnila kobila" e vo upotreba i kaj nas, vo Makedonija, no samo vo severoisto~nite krai{ta na zemjata. Toj e mnogu pokarakteristi~en za srpskiot jazi~en idiom. Poznat e, isto taka, i poimot "dolga magarica"(osobeno vo skopsko). Me|utoa, ona {to mene mi se nalo`uva kako dilema e pra{aweto dali pisatelot mo`e i smee da bara pro{ka za edna{ ve}e storeniot "grev" {to istr~al pred vremeto i re{il edna u{te odvaj ispilena i golu`drava pti~ka da ja izvadi od gnezdoto za da poleta na sloboda, vo prostorot. Ottamu i mi se nametna pomislata za podnaslovot - roman za letaweto, begaweto i pa|aweto od viso~inite. Vpro~em, jas u{te mnogu porano nekade napi{av deka niedno delo, vo su{tina, ne e zavr{eno.Toa e samo privremeno zatvoreno vo svoite korici, odzemeno od svojot avtor i pozajmeno na ~itatelot, koj pak, od svoja Hristo Krstevski Pasija po Matej strana, so samoto toa {to se re{il da yirne vnatre, vo tajnite na knigata, ve}e i samiot, na izvesen na~in, stanal i svedok i sou~esnik vo tvore~kiot "grev" na avtorot. Vo Makedonija postoi mit za {trkot, {to u{te vo minatiot vek, na eden neverojatno ve{t na~in go ima raska`ano prilepskiot majstor-terzija, Marko Cepenko. Inaku, negovoto delo kako raska`uva~ i sobira~ e golemo i neprocenlivo i toj i den-denes se smeta za rodona~alnik na modernata makedonska literatura. Toj mit `ivee me|u narodot, a negoviot avtenti~en i sugestiven skaz sî u{te go ozna~uva najdlabokiot i najsu{tinskiot duhoven beleg na Makedonecot, koj ne retko, duri i so sila na sinonim, koga ~uvstvoto za vozvi{enoto, od edna strana, i za samozamajtapen, svoeviden humor i sinkretizam, od druga, }e nate`ne na terezijata, se vrzuva so poimot za Siljan [trkot. Vo toj mit ~ovekot leta, nebare drevnite Dedal i Ikar mu gi pozajmile svoite voso~ni krilja, ili nekoj od modernite leta~i i lovci na viso~inite, go iska~ija ~oveka na nebo so svoite mo}ni i inspirativni tvore~ki krilja. Vo nea, vo taa na{a edinstvena i najubava nacionalna skazna, ~ovekot se identifikuva sebesi so ptica, so najeteri~noto `ivo su{testvo na zemjinata topka. I na izvesen na~in, kako da se sugerira deka nie sme "porod na Siljana [trkot" (B. Koneski), so {to, bezdrugo, se stava znak na ravenstvo pome|u nas i su{testvoto koe e plod na bezgre{noto za~nuvawe i ra|awe. Zna~i, od ~ovekot se odzema bremeto na prvoro`destveniot grev, od onoj najstariot- Isto~niot. Od izvorot na na{iot praroditel. Nebare mu se dava oreol na vonzemjanin Hristo Krstevski Pasija po Matej Mu se bri{e porokot. Se osloboduva od vinata. Mu se prostuva grevot. I so toa {to nego "{trkot go nosi od rekata", toj ve}e e o~isten so svetata vodica, toj e "osve{ten", vo sostojba e celosno da se spravi so predizvikot na ~elniot sudir so Edipoviot kompleks. ^uvstvoto na vina, kompleksot na roditelskiot ili praroditelskiot grev poradi atavizmot vo na{ite geni, naedna{ kako da is~eznuva, kako da isparuva i odvejuva vrz kriljata na Siljana [trkot, koj gordo leta nad oblacite i po mnogu godini talkawe i skitawe po nepoznatiot bel svet , toj , bludniot sin, doa|a nazad, se vra}a na svojata rodna grutka, kaj svoeto "sma~kano pleme", {to go trga svojot klet i "krpen `ivot", go sviva svoeto gnezdo na stariot oxak, go gleda svojot rod otstrana i , molkum, strada. Toj i negovite predci, koi u{te porano odletale vo egzoti~nite krai{ta i moriwa, sekoja godina gi menuvaat svoite krilja, kako {to zmijata ja slekuva svojata ko`a. Se o~istuvaat. Se osloboduvaat od grevot. Ja pronao|aat svojata bo`estvena su{tina i verbata vo novoto ra|awe tokmu na izvorot od rekata so kru`en tek, vo cikli~noto vrtewe i presozdavawe, daleku, nekade vo predistorijata, u{te vo htoni~nite prostranstva na bogovite, kaj Artemida i Persefona, u{te od illo tempore, pa sî do modernite virtuelni predeli i modeli na ve~noto opstojuvawe - do idejata za kloniraweto i noviot tip na eternitizmot. Avtorot Hristo Krstevski Pasija po Matej Na site ubieni i pre`iveani voini od Makedonija vo poslednata Gra|anska vojna na prostorite od biv{a Jugoslavija, koi zaedno so nekoi begalci od BiH, Hrvatska i Kosovo ja raska`aa ovaa prikazna. Hristo Krstevski Pasija po Matej Glava prva (Sekretarkata na na{iot heroj odnapred go prilagoduva vremeto okolu negovoto doa|awe vo Makedonija preku internet) Toj }e bide tamu. Denes. Ili utre. Ne e va`no. Da vidime. Ponedelnik, vtornik, sreda... Ne. Nedela pove}e bi odgovaralo. Da. Nedela nautro. Na prvi juli. So Pan-Ameriken, se razbira. Toga{ - doviduvawe! "Posledniot pe~albar od na{ite, najmladata preselna ptica, }e letne kon stariot kraj," toa be{e napi{ano vo negoviot dnevnik. Toj }e se vrati na svoite koreni. "Stariot kraj - kade e toa, po |avolite?" "Vo Makedonija." "Makedonija - kade?" "Eden ~ekor potamu od Itaka na Odisej." "Ne razbiram." "]e razbere{." "Koga?" "Eden den. Mo`ebi skoro. Mnogu skoro." Hristo Krstevski Pasija po Matej Stjuardesata }e se obide da mu ja simne sonlivosta od o~nite kapaci. Taa }e pristisne na kop~eto od dale~inskiot upravuva~. Na televizijata nekoj idiot od modniot kanal }e se rasprika`e za najva`nite ne{ta {to go ~inat Moderniot Heroj. Plej-boj. Xet- set. Bla-bla-bla. "Oh, toa e samo farsa," }e re~e toj. "Sega s# e izmeneto. Svr{eno. S# e svr{eno. Dene{niot fraer e poinakov. Kompletno. Toj e edno prosto, obi~no mom~e. Tip od sekojdnevieto. Kako va{iot prv sosed. Prose~en izgled, obleka, osobini. Osven, negovoto bankovno konto. Moeto ~uvstvo za onoj staromoden prototip - toa si e sosema druga prikazna. I ako navistina saka{ da znae{ {to tokmu mislam za toa, toga{ slu{aj, brat: -Pred s#, oblekata - od ko`a, svila, xins. Kostum - od ka{mir. Italijanska moda, se razbira - Versa~e, Armani, Ungaro. ^evli - Gu~i. ^asovnik - Roleks. Zapalka - Kartie. O~ila - rej-ban. Avtomobil - Por{e, sport kupe. Privatno letalo, ami kako. Jahta, toa ne treba ni da se spomenuva, zar ne. Za pu{ewe... mirizliva trevka: canabis sativa. Ili, Marlboro. Za pija~ka - Bladi Meri, Xek Deniels, ^ivas Rigal. @eni, tip: a) Naomi Kembel, b) Klaudija [ifer, v) Sindi Kraford. Apartmani: Wujork, Pariz, Palm Bi~." Plej-boj, edna retka yverka vo zlaten kafez. Non plus ultra. Mom~e so visoki principi. So svoi standardi. So svoi uneri - bla-bla-bla. Hobi - lov na divi svinski srca. Omilena detska igra - Kikara. Cve}e - narcis, ili sina gardenija. Godi{no vreme - Hristo Krstevski Pasija po Matej vrne`liva esen. [to e? Da ne zgre{iv ne{to? Sme{no e? Ne. Vo nikoj slu~aj. Odvratno e. Ete toa. Toj }e se seti na denot koga umre tatko mu. ]e najde u{te edna pribele{ka od negoviot dnevnik, na~krtana so negov rakopis (na grbot). "DENES GO ZAKOPAVME TATKO MI. GOSPODI, VE^ERVA E MOJOT PRV NASTAP. MOJOT NAJVA@EN DÉBUT . MOJOT KONCERT. KAKVO GLUPAVO SOVPA\AWE! DA TI GO EBAM ZANAETOT MUZIKANTSKI! ]E JA ISPOKR[AM GITARATA. ]E GO ZASTRELAM I GOSPODA! ]E GO ZAPALAM I SVETOT, AKO TREBA!" Uvi! Stjuardesata }e objavi: "Molam, vrzete si gi remenite! Poletuvame!" Xambo-xetot e podgotven. Doviduvawe, Ameriko! Hristo Krstevski Pasija po Matej "Ti nikoga{ ne go nau~i svojot maj~in jazik oti se rodi posmrt~e. Golema nevolja e toa, sinko moj. A i jas ne te nau~iv na ni{to. Bev tolku zafaten. Vo gri`i. Postojano.. ." Denes, ili utre. Toj }e bide tamu. Moram da si go svedam ~asovnikot. O, kolku e niska mese~inata... Izgleda kako da se udavila vo okeanot. Kako vo onaa na{a poznata pesna za zajdisonceto: Âzajdi, zajdi, jasno sonce i ti jasna le mese~ino, begaj, udavi se..." (No sega, navistina se pra{uvam-Koj mo`e voop{to da zboruva za onaa bari~ka tuka, zar ne?) Sega e s# poinaku. Ne bi mo`el da prepoznaam nikogo od moite tamu, osven mo`ebi od slikite. Mojot striko, mojot bratu~ed, kogo u{te? Ne razbiram nitu eden edinstven zbor od jazikot na{, makedonski. Ne razbiram ni{to. Moeto vetuvawe, mojot zavet koga umira{e toj, koga ispu{ti du{a, deka }a ja obnovam na{ata zaedni~ka semejna grobnica vo Raven*, }e ja nadmine mojata sila. Go znam toa. No {to mo`am da storam? Dadov zbor. Sega e docna za kaewe. Golemata senka od moeto posmrtno detstvo u{te ree nad mene. Bi mo`el li koga i da e da ja izbrkam senkata od tvojata nasmevka (od slikata)? Ne znam. Navistina. Ne se se}avam na tvojata nasmevka.
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