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Assisted Living Assisted Living PART ONE (The Time is January, 2020, somewhere in America.) (We are in a nursing home lobby. OLD DANIEL enters, with a walker or a cane. He looks grumpy. He is a tough old Italian man, maybe with a New York or New Jersey accent. He is accompanied by his daughter, DANIELLA.) DANIELLA Look at this place, Dad. They have activities every night. OLD DANIEL So what? DANIELLA So you’ll be happy here. OLD DANIEL I’ll be happy when I’m dead. DANIELLA Nobody’s happy when they’re dead, Dad. OLD DANIEL Better dead than tossed out. Things get tossed out. Men don’t get tossed out. Not real men. Not if they can help it, they don’t. DANIELLA You’re not being tossed out. They’ll take good care of you here. OLD DANIEL I’m a man. A real man. Did you know that? DANIELLA I’ve heard. So, you’re a man. What’s that even mean? OLD DANIEL That’s right. It doesn’t mean a thing anymore. You know what makes a man? Self-reliance. The ability to fix problems, not to be a problem. The ability to talk the talk and walk the walk, and to do it whenever you want and wherever you want. Freedom makes a man. The freedom to help yourself, and if need be, to help others, by god. If you can’t fix things, if people look at you and go, why are you such a problem, then what’s the point of even being alive at all? DANIELLA Okay, okay. You’re not what you used to be. But who is? We’re all getting older. We can’t all do the things we want to do all of the time. That’s just part of the deal. Things change. Everyone needs help at some point— 1 OLD DANIEL And when they do, they’re better off dead. (NURSE BETTY enters. She is a puppet. OLD DANIEL is preoccupied and does not notice her yet.) NURSE BETTY Hello, that’s some harsh talk. DANIELLA Hi. This is Mr. Barga. Daniel Barga. I’m his daughter. NURSE BETTY Hi. Welcome to Happy Lovelydale Friendlyface Garden Chase, where all is well in the post- prime-productive years of our loved ones. May I assist you? I’m Nurse Betty. (Now OLD DANIEL sees her. Long pause while he takes in his new handler.) OLD DANIEL Oh my god. Shoot me. NURSE BETTY (ignoring this rude remark and holding out her hand to Daniella.) And your name is? DANIELLA (shaking her hand) Daniella Spellman. My father’s having a bad day. NURSE BETTY I understand. OLD DANIEL No you don’t. I’m not like you and you’re not like me. We have nothing at all in common. NURSE BETTY That’s true. But I’m eager to learn. I’m Nurse Betty. OLD DANIEL Yeah, yeah. Blah, blah, blah. I don’t care who you are. Keep away from me. Keep your hands to yourself. NURSE BETTY (challenging him) You’ll have lots of friends. We get a lot of grumpy old men here. OLD DANIEL (accepting the challenge) Is that right? Do you get any grumpy old men who used to be puppets? (Pause.) NURSE BETTY We have all kinds. 2 DANIELLA He’s serious. He…ummm… My father… Had a… Non-traditional… Upbringing. NURSE BETTY I get it. DANIELLA Dad, it’s 3:00. Why don’t you look for your show on the TV? OLD DANIEL No. I’m going back home. Where’s the door? DANIELLA (to Nurse Betty) My father went through a lot as a kid. He has this idea that he was originally… OLD DANIEL (overhearing, still looking for the door) Say it. I was made of wood. A carpenter discovered me. He was going to make me into a table leg. I shouted at him. Shouted at him. “Hey! What are you doing!” He stayed his hand. He gave me away. I spooked him. You bet I spoke up. Who wants to be a table leg! NURSE BETTY Uh huh. OLD DANIEL I was an enchanted log, see, so I could talk. NURSE BETTY (not buying it) You were an enchanted log? OLD DANIEL He gave me to an old puppet maker. That makes sense, right? A puppet maker? I was a talking log? Better a puppet than a table leg. (to DANIELLA) That puppet maker was your great, great grandfather. So to speak. (back to the Nurse) Because I wasn’t born. I was carved. Out of wood. It’s hard carving a puppet out of a log. You think it’s easy? Nothing was easy in those days. School of Hard Knocks. But I grew up and I met your mother. And, well, biology took over. 3 DANIELLA (to Nurse Betty) In Italy. Does this story sound vaguely familiar? NURSE BETTY Uh huh. The part about the puppet maker does. It sounds like— OLD DANIEL It’s the most translated book in the world after the Bible. NURSE BETTY It is? You think you’re Pin— DANIELLA Yes, that’s right. He does. But please don’t ever say the name of the book. It just encourages him. He’ll go on all night. OLD DANIEL And that’s just the book. I never got a dime from Disney either. NURSE BETTY That’s a shame. That old cartoon made a lot of money. OLD DANIEL Old. Old cartoon, she says. Not a dime. That’s what I got. DANIELLA Dad. Please. Don’t start. OLD DANIEL That movie is full of lies. I killed that cricket right after I met him. He said he was my conscience and I squashed him on the wall. I had no conscience whatsoever and I didn’t want one. Still don’t. But that little sonofa- bee haunted me for years. I didn’t believe in ghosts, but I couldn’t get shed of him. That’s all a conscience is. It’s an insect that needs to be squashed. You know how I finally got rid of him? I became a real man. Then he shut up for good. NURSE BETTY (marveling) Wow. DANIELLA I know, I know. He’s awful. I’m sorry. NURSE BETTY I thought I’d heard it all. OLD DANIEL That movie is so full of mistakes. They made me cute! I was never cute! I tried to tell them. No one consulted me. 4 DANIELLA And here he goes. OLD DANIEL Disney lies, and he makes millions. If I were to lie, my nose would grow. I did get turned into a donkey, though. And I got swallowed by a whale. NURSE BETTY They didn’t make that part up? OLD DANIEL No, ma’am. Those parts happened. I still have nightmares. They took out some of the more gruesome stuff, too. Like where I got my feet burned off. NURSE BETTY Youch. You had it rough, I guess. OLD DANIEL It’s hell being a puppet. NURSE BETTY Oh, I know, I know. OLD DANIEL Especially a little boy puppet with a real manly sense of adventure. NURSE BETTY Oh, is that right? OLD DANIEL I was a marionette, not a Muppet. A hard wooden puppet. But without strings. And I worked hard to become real. I’ve been real since I was this high. But you don’t find real people these days. Maybe all the fairies are dead. These days, what makes someone real? Facebook? Instagram? Snapchat? None of that is real. This. (Thumps his chest) That’s real. NURSE BETTY (to Daniella) He tells this story a lot, does he? DANIELLA (oh my god, yes) Yeah. A lot. OLD DANIEL (shouting, pointing) If I was lying, you know what would happen? NURSE BETTY Your nose would grow. 5 OLD DANIEL But this story is TRUE! I was a LOG, and then I was a PUPPET…. and then… I was a donkey… and then I was a REAL BOY! (Pause. He has tired himself out. He sits.) And now I’m a real man. (Heavy sigh.) DANIELLA (goes to him, a tender moment) Dad, please. Don’t make a scene. This place is good for you. OLD DANIEL I’ve lived a long, hard life, and I worked hard to get what I got from it. (Stands, with effort. Emotional.) And I want to be left alone! That’s all I’ve ever wanted! I just want to be! To be! Before I had a family, you know what I was? I was a puppet! And before that, I was a log! And if I have to live out the rest of my life alone to prove that I’m real now, and that I don’t need any help, even from my own family, then so be it! I’ll live like that. But let me. Let me live until I can’t do it anymore! Let me walk across the stage on my own! (OLD DANIEL starts to exit. OTHER PUPPETS—more elderly residents--enter and watch the commotion.) DANIELLA But, Dad! It’s not safe for you to be alone! OLD DANIEL Safe? Who wants to be safe? Is a log safe? DANIELLA This is a good place! OLD DANIEL (seeing the gathering of puppets) This is a puppet theater! DANIELLA NO! It’s NOT! (Calms herself, to Nurse Betty) I’m sorry. Tell him what you call it. NURSE BETTY Mr. Barga.
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