Assisted Living

PART ONE (The Time is January, 2020, somewhere in America.)

(We are in a nursing home lobby. OLD DANIEL enters, with a walker or a cane. He looks grumpy. He is a tough old Italian man, maybe with a New York or New Jersey accent. He is accompanied by his daughter, DANIELLA.)

DANIELLA Look at this place, Dad. They have activities every night.

OLD DANIEL So what?

DANIELLA So you’ll be happy here.

OLD DANIEL I’ll be happy when I’m dead.

DANIELLA Nobody’s happy when they’re dead, Dad.

OLD DANIEL Better dead than tossed out. Things get tossed out. Men don’t get tossed out. Not real men. Not if they can help it, they don’t.

DANIELLA You’re not being tossed out. They’ll take good care of you here.

OLD DANIEL I’m a man. A real man. Did you know that?

DANIELLA I’ve heard. So, you’re a man. What’s that even mean?

OLD DANIEL That’s right. It doesn’t mean a thing anymore. You know what makes a man? Self-reliance. The ability to fix problems, not to be a problem. The ability to talk the talk and walk the walk, and to do it whenever you want and wherever you want. Freedom makes a man. The freedom to help yourself, and if need be, to help others, by god. If you can’t fix things, if people look at you and go, why are you such a problem, then what’s the point of even being alive at all?

DANIELLA Okay, okay. You’re not what you used to be. But who is? We’re all getting older. We can’t all do the things we want to do all of the time. That’s just part of the deal. Things change. Everyone needs help at some point—

OLD DANIEL And when they do, they’re better off dead.

(NURSE BETTY enters. She is a puppet. OLD DANIEL is preoccupied and does not notice her yet.)

NURSE BETTY Hello, that’s some harsh talk.

DANIELLA Hi. This is Mr. Barga. Daniel Barga. I’m his daughter.

NURSE BETTY Hi. Welcome to Happy Lovelydale Friendlyface Garden Chase, where all is well in the post- prime-productive years of our loved ones. May I assist you? I’m Nurse Betty.

(Now OLD DANIEL sees her. Long pause while he takes in his new handler.)

OLD DANIEL Oh my god. Shoot me.

NURSE BETTY (ignoring this rude remark and holding out her hand to Daniella.) And your name is?

DANIELLA (shaking her hand) Daniella Spellman. My father’s having a bad day.

NURSE BETTY I understand.

OLD DANIEL No you don’t. I’m not like you and you’re not like me. We have nothing at all in common.

NURSE BETTY That’s true. But I’m eager to learn. I’m Nurse Betty.

OLD DANIEL Yeah, yeah. Blah, blah, blah. I don’t care who you are. Keep away from me. Keep your hands to yourself.

NURSE BETTY (challenging him) You’ll have lots of friends. We get a lot of grumpy old men here.

OLD DANIEL (accepting the challenge) Is that right? Do you get any grumpy old men who used to be puppets?

(Pause.)

NURSE BETTY We have all kinds.

DANIELLA He’s serious. He…ummm… My father… Had a… Non-traditional… Upbringing.

NURSE BETTY I get it.

DANIELLA Dad, it’s 3:00. Why don’t you look for your show on the TV?

OLD DANIEL No. I’m going back home. Where’s the door?

DANIELLA (to Nurse Betty) My father went through a lot as a kid. He has this idea that he was originally…

OLD DANIEL (overhearing, still looking for the door) Say it. I was made of wood. A carpenter discovered me. He was going to make me into a table leg. I shouted at him. Shouted at him. “Hey! What are you doing!” He stayed his hand. He gave me away. I spooked him. You bet I spoke up. Who wants to be a table leg!

NURSE BETTY Uh huh.

OLD DANIEL I was an enchanted log, see, so I could talk.

NURSE BETTY (not buying it) You were an enchanted log?

OLD DANIEL He gave me to an old puppet maker. That makes sense, right? A puppet maker? I was a talking log? Better a puppet than a table leg. (to DANIELLA) That puppet maker was your great, great grandfather. So to speak. (back to the Nurse) Because I wasn’t born. I was carved. Out of wood. It’s hard carving a puppet out of a log. You think it’s easy? Nothing was easy in those days. School of Hard Knocks. But I grew up and I met your mother. And, well, biology took over.

DANIELLA (to Nurse Betty) In Italy. Does this story sound vaguely familiar?

NURSE BETTY Uh huh. The part about the puppet maker does. It sounds like—

OLD DANIEL It’s the most translated book in the world after the Bible.

NURSE BETTY It is? You think you’re Pin—

DANIELLA Yes, that’s right. He does. But please don’t ever say the name of the book. It just encourages him. He’ll go on all night.

OLD DANIEL And that’s just the book. I never got a dime from Disney either.

NURSE BETTY That’s a shame. That old cartoon made a lot of money.

OLD DANIEL Old. Old cartoon, she says. Not a dime. That’s what I got.

DANIELLA Dad. Please. Don’t start.

OLD DANIEL That movie is full of lies. I killed that cricket right after I met him. He said he was my conscience and I squashed him on the wall. I had no conscience whatsoever and I didn’t want one. Still don’t. But that little sonofa- bee haunted me for years. I didn’t believe in ghosts, but I couldn’t get shed of him. That’s all a conscience is. It’s an insect that needs to be squashed. You know how I finally got rid of him? I became a real man. Then he shut up for good.

NURSE BETTY (marveling) Wow.

DANIELLA I know, I know. He’s awful. I’m sorry.

NURSE BETTY I thought I’d heard it all.

OLD DANIEL That movie is so full of mistakes. They made me cute! I was never cute! I tried to tell them. No one consulted me.

DANIELLA And here he goes.

OLD DANIEL Disney lies, and he makes millions. If I were to lie, my nose would grow. I did get turned into a donkey, though. And I got swallowed by a whale.

NURSE BETTY They didn’t make that part up?

OLD DANIEL No, ma’am. Those parts happened. I still have nightmares. They took out some of the more gruesome stuff, too. Like where I got my feet burned off.

NURSE BETTY Youch. You had it rough, I guess.

OLD DANIEL It’s hell being a puppet.

NURSE BETTY Oh, I know, I know.

OLD DANIEL Especially a little boy puppet with a real manly sense of adventure.

NURSE BETTY Oh, is that right?

OLD DANIEL I was a marionette, not a Muppet. A hard wooden puppet. But without strings. And I worked hard to become real. I’ve been real since I was this high. But you don’t find real people these days. Maybe all the fairies are dead. These days, what makes someone real? Facebook? Instagram? Snapchat? None of that is real. This. (Thumps his chest) That’s real.

NURSE BETTY (to Daniella) He tells this story a lot, does he?

DANIELLA (oh my god, yes) Yeah. A lot.

OLD DANIEL (shouting, pointing) If I was lying, you know what would happen?

NURSE BETTY Your nose would grow.

OLD DANIEL But this story is TRUE! I was a LOG, and then I was a PUPPET…. and then… I was a donkey… and then I was a REAL BOY! (Pause. He has tired himself out. He sits.)

And now I’m a real man. (Heavy sigh.)

DANIELLA (goes to him, a tender moment) Dad, please. Don’t make a scene. This place is good for you.

OLD DANIEL I’ve lived a long, hard life, and I worked hard to get what I got from it. (Stands, with effort. Emotional.) And I want to be left alone! That’s all I’ve ever wanted! I just want to be! To be! Before I had a family, you know what I was? I was a puppet! And before that, I was a log! And if I have to live out the rest of my life alone to prove that I’m real now, and that I don’t need any help, even from my own family, then so be it! I’ll live like that. But let me. Let me live until I can’t do it anymore! Let me walk across the stage on my own!

(OLD DANIEL starts to exit. OTHER PUPPETS—more elderly residents--enter and watch the commotion.)

DANIELLA But, Dad! It’s not safe for you to be alone!

OLD DANIEL Safe? Who wants to be safe? Is a log safe?

DANIELLA This is a good place!

OLD DANIEL (seeing the gathering of puppets) This is a puppet theater!

DANIELLA NO! It’s NOT!

(Calms herself, to Nurse Betty)

I’m sorry. Tell him what you call it.

NURSE BETTY Mr. Barga. Times have changed.

We call it “assisted living” now.

OLD DANIEL Do I look like I need assistance in living! I’m alive already! I’m a real man! And by god, I’m going to stay one! (to the PUPPET RESIDENTS) What’s happened to you? Don’t you want to be real anymore? (OLD DANIEL flees.)

DANIELLA Dad! Come back! Dad!

(NURSE BETTY turns and sees the other puppets.)

NURSE BETTY Go back to your rooms. The morning juice bar opens at 7:00.

(She ushers them out.)

DANIELLA I’m sorry. I’ll talk to him. He thinks a real man should be able to live without assistance.

NURSE BETTY (heavy sigh) Honey, let me tell you something. I don’t know nothing about being a real man. But I know something from being a nurse. You can’t do nothing in this life alone. Nothing. If it ain’t the Lord God, it’s someone somewhere helping you out. Otherwise, your skinny little butt is going nowhere fast—whether that butt is attached to a puppet or to a people. You know what I mean?

DANIELLA I think I do. How do you get through the day?

NURSE BETTY Just breathe, baby. Just breathe.

DANIELLA Thanks. (DANIELLA takes a deep breath.)

NURSE BETTY Good night. And take care of yourself. Lord have mercy.

(She exits.)

DANIELLA (calling after her) We’ll be back! (LIGHTS DOWN)

PART TWO

(A bedroom. OLD DANIEL sits on the bed in a bathrobe.)

OLD DANIEL (to himself) I’m not going down to bingo night. They’re trying to kill me.

(SOUND: a cell phone vibrates.)

What the hell’s that?

(Feels around in his bathroom.)

Someone’s calling me.

(He can’t find his pocket.)

Goddam cell phone! Where the hell is it?

(He finds it, too late.)

Daniella.

(He starts pressing buttons, squinting at the screen.)

Missed calls. She’s called me five times.

(SOUND: a cell phone vibrates.) (He drops the phone in shock.)

Goddam it! (He picks it up off the mattress.)

HELLO! Hello! I was trying to answer and you called me! Yes. Hi. Hello. What is it? What do you mean? That’s right. Because I haven’t been out of my room all day. Or the day before. I’m not going down there. I told you not to put me in a nursing home! There’s a virus. And it’s killing people in nursing homes! This place is a deathtrap! I could hear them out there, coughing, coughing, dragging through the halls! As soon as I got wind of it, I came up here and locked myself in my room. It’s survival! I didn’t get to be this old by being stupid!

(OLD DANIEL senses something.)

Hold on.

(He listens. He thinks he hears someone outside his door.)

(Pause. Knock on the door. OLD DANIEL backs away from it, tries to be silent.)

VOICE (offstage, muffled) Mr. Barga?

(Pause.)

OLD DANIEL I’m not going to bingo!

(Pause. When he’s satisfied that they left, OLD DANIEL turns back to the phone.)

Well, I’m sorry that they keep calling you. (Now with a desperate plan, into the phone.) Daniella! You should just come get me and take me out of this hell hole, sweetheart! Admit that putting me in here was a mistake and come and get or I’m going to wind up dead like the rest of them! (Pause while he listens.) I know you had a hard time taking care of me! But I swear, I can take care of myself! I can! Yes! I can help take care of your damn kids, too! I love them! And if a man can’t even see his own grandkids, he might as well be a table leg!

VOICE (offstage, muffled) Mr. Barga?

OLD DANIEL Hell, I thought she left. Who the hell is that? I told you! I’m not going to bingo! There’s a plague going on out there, or haven’t you heard ! I’m social distancing, goddam it!

VOICE (offstage, clearer now) Pinocchio?

(Long pause. He recognizes the voice now. It’s someone from his past.)

OLD DANIEL (into the phone) I’ll call you back.

(He puts the phone away and answers the door. The FAIRY WITH TURQUOISE HAIR enters.)

Jesus H. Christ.

FAIRY Not even close.

OLD DANIEL The frickin’ Blue Fairy. I thought you were dead.

FAIRY

I do believe you said something like that the last time I saved you. But it has been a while, so I’ll forgive it. Have you been behaving yourself? Still telling lies?

OLD DANIEL Oh, hell, Fairy. This is worse than the whale. This is the worst yet.

FAIRY It is indeed. And in the Old Country, it’s worse than here. Entire villages. So sad. But they’re singing from their windows. It gives you hope. Have you tried that?

OLD DANIEL I haven’t sung in a long time, Fairy.

FAIRY I know. I’ve been watching. You had me worried. A puppet who doesn’t sing. Tsk tsk. Oh, yes. You’re not a puppet anymore, are you?

OLD DANIEL But I’ve had a good life. Did you see my wife? Wasn’t she a peach? I still miss her. And my daughter? And those grandkids? I had a good job, too! Working for the DMV? I was a good driving tester. I was tough. They called me “the Dragon”. When I retired, they—

FAIRY Gave you a big party with a green cake with a dragon on it and a candle for every year you worked. Thirty candles. I was there. At the ceremony. I even granted your wish. Did you notice?

OLD DANIEL You did? What did I wish for?

FAIRY You wished to maintain your virility.

OLD DANIEL Oh? That was you?

FAIRY I’ve kept up. You’ve done well. But now it’s time to change.

OLD DANIEL What do you mean, change? I’m not going to change. Do you know how old I am?

FAIRY Oh, please. Do you know how old I am?

OLD DANIEL That’s different.

FAIRY I don’t even know how old I am, that’s how old I am. A lot older than you are, too. Even if you count your years as a log. So don’t get started on that. Do you want to get out of here? Or stay and take your chances?

OLD DANIEL Seriously? I shoulda known! You’re gonna bust me outta this joint! Oh, baby! My good friend, the Fairy with the Blue Hair! Can you use magic? Let’s show that old nurse I mean business. She never believed I was who I said I was.

FAIRY She was the one who called me.

(Pause.)

OLD DANIEL Say again? I thought you came because I was in trouble and made a wish or something. Like in the old days.

FAIRY It’s not the old days anymore. Sometimes the world changes and we have to change with it. Even fairies can see that. Sometimes that means turning a puppet into a real boy. And sometimes it means not interfering when a real boy becomes a man. And sometimes it means coming back into his life when he needs you the most. You’re right, “Mr. Barga”--This is worse than the whale. But not because of the others. Not because of the dangers you imagine outside that door. Because of you.

OLD DANIEL Because of me? I’m not sick. I’m healthy as a horse! (He thumps his chest.)

FAIRY Because you’ve locked yourself in your room.

OLD DANIEL That’s right.

FAIRY That was smart. But it wouldn’t have saved you, Daniel. Pinocchio. It would not. This virus is worse than anything in the book. Or the movie. It would have come for you. It came for all the others. .

OLD DANIEL It did. They’re all gone now.

OLD DANIEL (with wonder) Did you save me? Again?

FAIRY I did. And am here to save you from yourself. Again. And yes, with magic.

OLD DANIEL Hooray! Let’s go, baby! Let’s do it! Fly me to the moon! I’m ready! What’ll it be this time?

FAIRY I’m going to turn you back into a puppet.

(Pause.)

OLD DANIEL What?

(The FAIRY nods.)

I don’t want to be a fucking puppet. Sorry. I’m a real man. A Real Man. Puppets are artificial, Fairy. They’re… Sissies. Wimps. Toys. They’re not really alive. They don’t have futures. They don’t even have hearts. They don’t have souls.

FAIRY And they don’t breathe.

(Pause. OLD DANIEL takes this in.)

(SOUND: Cell phone.)

OLD DANIEL (answering it) Hey. Yeah. You won’t believe who’s here right now, sweetheart. Yeah, I know we’re not supposed to have visitors. But I got one. Boy, do I got one.

(NURSE BETTY is at the door. Behind her, several residents also appear. ALL are puppets.)

Listen, sweetheart. I gotta go. Yeah, I know. I hate bingo. But something’s different about this bingo game. I need to check this one out.

(He hangs up, pockets the phone.)

NURSE BETTY We’ve transferred all of the other residents to the other wing, Mr. Barga. The few who survived. You can try your luck with them, if you want.

OLD DANIEL By “other residents”, you mean all the…

FAIRY She means the other real men. And the real women. There were thirty five of them. Now there are eight.

NURSE BETTY All what’s left here are puppets. And you. We tried to get you to come out when we were moving the survivors. But you can be very stubborn.

FAIRY He used to be so awful. Has he gotten worse?

(ALL of the puppets nod.)

WOMAN PUPPET He can be a real prick!

(ALL of the puppets nod at this, too.)

MAN PUPPET But he’s one of us. If he’s who he says he is.

WOMAN PUPPET I don’t believe it for a minute!

ANOTHER MAN PUPPET (to the woman puppet) Hush! (to Daniel) Were you really Pinocchio?

STILL ANOTHER MAN PUPPET That’s my favorite movie!

OLD DANIEL You bet yer ass, I was. I wasn’t in the movie, but I was the star of the book! (to the FAIRY) If you turn me back into a puppet, will I be safe from this plague that’s going around?

FAIRY As safe as a log in the woods, my friend.

NURSE BETTY And you’ll be with friends, too. If you’ll let them.

WOMAN PUPPET If you’ll learn to behave yourself.

(OLD DANIEL nods.)

OLD DANIEL All right. Can I have some time to think?

NURSE BETTY Of course. We’ll be downstairs in the community room, watching “Downton Abby.” It’s on Amazon Prime now.

WOMAN PUPPET It’s better than bingo!

(The PUPPETS all exit.)

FAIRY I’ll wait outside. Do you want to call your daughter?

OLD DANIEL No. I don’t want her to know. I want her to remember me as I used to be.

FAIRY As a man, you mean?

OLD DANIEL Yeah. A real man.

FAIRY I think you put too much emphasis on what you think those words mean, Pinocchio.

OLD DANIEL I’m going to go in here. I’ll be right back. And then…I’ll be ready.

FAIRY It’s okay. I understand.

OLD DANIEL Do you?

FAIRY It’s okay to cry. Even for real men.

OLD DANIEL I don’t need to cry. I want to take a shit. For the last time.

FAIRY Oh.

OLD DANIEL I’m going to miss it.

(OLD DANIEL exits into the bathroom and closes the door.)

FAIRY He really hasn’t changed at all.

(She picks up a photo album off his nightstand.)

OLD DANIEL (off) Have you been watching the news, Fairy?

FAIRY Of course. Everybody’s watching it these days. Who took these pictures?

OLD DANIEL (off) My wife. She took pictures of everything. We went to China. Walked on the Great Wall. The Leaning Tower. Paris.

FAIRY I see that. Such beautiful people, your family.

OLD DANIEL (off) All those places, too. I can’t believe it. Everything’s messed up, Fairy.

FAIRY There is always risk involved in living, Pinocchio. I told you that long ago.

OLD DANIEL (off) And I’ve learned it, too.

(SOUND: Toilet flushing.)

(The door opens. OLD DANIEL enters. He is now a puppet.)

FAIRY Did you wash your hands?

OLD DANIEL Of course.

(OLD DANIEL’s nose grows.)

Goddam it.

FAIRY Same old Pinocchio. Wash your hands and let’s join the others. I’ll wait in the hall.

(OLD DANIEL exits back into the bathroom.)

(SOUND: Running water.)

OLD DANIEL (off, while washing) I know, I know, “Happy Birthday twice”! Hey, that’s funny!

It is kind of my birthday twice.

(OLD DANIEL reappears, smiling, singing the end of “Happy Birthday,” and turns it into the first part of “I Go No Strings” and exits.)