What If Your Daughter Doesn't Marry A

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The Ami Food Magazine GARDEN INSIDE 29 Av 5780 August 19, 2020 Issue 481 FOR YOUR HEALTH Sous vide for everybody!

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AUGUST 19, 2020 29 AV 5780 ISSUE 481

Disappointed CORONA in His AND A-B-C WARFARE Meet Lydia Lanxner, Laniado Hospital’s Son-in Head of Disaster Management -Law RASH DECISION WHAT A casual encounter IF YOUR results in a cure for my DAUGHTER daughter’s illness DOESN’T A FAMILY AF FAIR MARRY A The blessing of ‘‘TOP BOY’’? good neighbors

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005_Living481_Blooms.indd 1 8/13/20 9:26 PM 29 AV 5780 AUGUST 19, 2020 ISSUE 481 Contents FEATURES 26 Navigating the Newlyweds: What if your son-in-law is not the top boy? By Riva Pomerantz 34 Cor ona and A-B-C Warfare Lydia Lanxner is the head of disaster management at Laniado Hospital in Israel By Shira Leibowitz Schmidt 42 The Clean Bill: Rash Decison A casual encounter brings a cure for my daughter’s illness As told to Miriam Weiser 58 Summer Fiction Contest Week #7: A Listening Ear by Yaffa Hersh owitz

DEPARTMENTS 8 A Word from the Editor 42 34 By Rechy Frankfurter 10 Letters 16 The Rebbetzin Speaks By Rebbetzin Feige Twerski 18 Parshah By Rabbanit Yemima Mizrachi WHISK 20 Bytes MAGAZINE By Miriam Glick —part of your 22 My Take Ami package By Shmelke Diamond 48 Medical Minute

The Ami Food Magazine COOK CREATE CONNECT 50 Single-Minded By Chani Gantz

The Ami Food Magazine 29 Av 5780 August 19, 2020 Issue 481 52 Crossroads 20 By Chaya Gross 56 Our Days The rhythm of our lives 62 The Back Page By Dina Neuman Aha! Moments will return soon Sousfor everybody! vide

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007_Living481_SHimmers.indd 1 8/13/20 10:34 PM During the terrifying days when the When I arrived at my parents’ lost his entire family in the war, with coronavirus was sweeping through home, my father proceeded to show the exception of one brother. me a book he is in the process of our neighborhoods and the names My sister, who was also visiting my compiling. My father is a Holocaust of those who had died were coming parents, didn’t want to see these gory survivor who has taken it upon in waves, we all thought there was pictures and tried to change the himself to remember, and have no way our lives could ever return to subject. Going over to the bookcase, others remember, the forgotten normal. We never imagined that a she took out another book of my graves of victims of the Nazis who lie time would come when we would father’s, a beautiful volume feel comfortable in a crowd. In fact, a alone or in mass graves far from any Jewish community. Some of these commemorating a family hachnasas friend of mine whose daughter got sefer Torah a couple of years ago. “This engaged during the height of the Jews died during death marches and were buried by local residents. is what I want to see,” she said. “Let’s coronavirus told well-wishers she look at these beautiful memories.” hoped that by the time her daughter Others died in concentration camps and were either dumped into mass got married, not only would they all At that moment, it occurred to graves by the Nazis or buried in a be able to attend, but they would me that although it had seemed as if more orderly manner under the even be able to hold hands at the the coronavirus had never supervision of the Americans. Among wedding! It was so farfetched as to happened, what I saw was only the the documents and photos he be a blessing to confer. surface. As in my father’s case, showed me were images of piles of though the Holocaust still weighs This evening, before sitting down dead bodies waiting to be buried, a heavily on his mind 70 years later to write these few words, I went to sight he personally witnessed as a and he hasn’t forgotten those who visit my parents. We live over a mile young boy of 14. have no one to remember them, from each other (my kids once It is my father’s hope to create a anyone meeting him casually would clocked the distance), and as I was website with all of this information never know that. My father is a walking—especially on 13th so that eventually, should a Jew ever person with simchas hachaim. Avenue—I couldn’t help marveling at find himself passing th ough one of On the surface it may look as how life seems to have reverted to these areas, he can finds lists of though nothing has changed. But we pre-coronavirus days. Other than the names and locations and visit these have changed, in a profound way. And occasional mask, the Brooklyn graves. My father wants people not we have not forgotten the tragic loss streets are bustling with people, the to forget them, and to stop and say a of life. It’s just that life must go on. stores are full, and life appears to kapitel Tehillim for these kedoshim. have gone back to normal. The same The project has taken my father We must force our eyes to look at can be said for Lakewood, which I years of intensive research, but it is a the “hachnasas sefer Torah” recently visited. subject very dear to his heart as he memories in order to carry on. Rechy Frankfurter [email protected]

8 AMI•LIVING AUGUST 19, 2020 29 AV 5780

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Publisher, CEO Register to Vote informative magazine. Rabbi Yitzchok Frankfurter ...when moving to Tampa more than he was originally booked for. I know he’ll probably be found innocent. Corona We paid I$1,400 read with for livestreaming interest your soarticle the I feel so bad for Chava for having to In reference to Feature, Issue 478 Editorial Weddings grandparentsregarding could the watch spider from bite home.and presumed make such a decision of whether to Our weddingcellulitis was infection. for 50 couples and it return to him or not, with her parents Senior Editor DearThey Editor: do not save money! Rechy Frankfurter cost us theUnfortunately, same as a regular my husbandbig has breathing down her back. I feel like she in reference to “Letters” suffered from this infection several Managing Editors I read the article about Rebbetzin wedding. So for all of you assuming the is growing more mature and expressive times. I wish to emphasize that this Victoria Dwek Taussig and her creation of a new, frum “corona wedding” saved us money, it from this all. Yossi Krausz infection can start with a seemingly communityDear Editor: in Tampa with great interest. really did not. I’m so curious as to how the story will very minor mark on the leg. Feature Editor I live in a very nice out-of-town com- Please be so kind to send wedding continue. I think I’ll understand Chava, Yitta Halberstam Our first expe ience with this hor- munity,I’m responding but it’s very to thetempting recent toletters join. gifts to the couples. Th y deserve it!! whatever she winds up doing. Mandelbaum rible infection was several years ago Thethat suggestedRebbetzi ’sthat enthusiasm, the parents logic who and Thanks again or this super story!! Coordinating Editor when my husband called me from work Miri Nussbaum attentionmarried off to their detail kids are du quite ing impressive.the corona- C.H. H.S. to say that he was feeling really unwell virusPlease, lockdown when shouldyou move give down money there, to the Copy Editors with flu-like s mptoms and was coming Basha Majerczyk immediatelynewlyweds, since register they to saved vote. thousands When my of Understandinghome. Since this was such a rare Get a Mendelovicii sondollars. moved I am there, one of from those a “blue”parents. state a Rabbi Yisroel Benedek occurrence for him and his symptoms numberSadly weof yearsdid not ago, save that anything. was one Until of the Chava were so severe, he decided to see his Physical Editors/Proofreaders firsttwo daysthings before he did the wedding, we did not ...as the story progresses Dina Schreiber doctor, who told him he had the flu anShould always be know“It’s where a swing it wouldstate,” takehe told place. me, We “so my In reference to “Crossroads,” Yitzchok A. Preis should take two aspirin and go to bed.ruled out firs Sholom Laine votesettled actually on a house counts upstate, here.” which With incredible siyata dishmaya, I In reference to “Truth or Consequences,” chargedIt will usbe atoo hefty late fee. for We this hired year’s a party Dear Editor:“just happened” to notice a very small,Issue 469 election,planner to but coordinate 2024 will the soon wedding, be on since Art hardly noticeable, red mark just above everyone’sit wasn’t in mind.an actual Congressional hall. Tables, seatschairs, and Art Director his ankle. My husband thought it had Paul Crawford whoclothes, is governor mechitzah are, tent, extremely and chuppah impor all- Thank ou, Chaya Gross, for such an Dear Editor: been caused by the elastic of his sock. tant,needed as towell. be Arented, Republican with a coronagovernor in amazing story. It is written so well and is However, a couple of weeks earlier, an Advertising Floridasurcharge. means We neededa continuation an outside of caterervouch- one of the first things I ead every week. This letter is in egard to the story acquaintance of mine “just happened” Executive Account ers.to deliver the food and dishes. Waiters I can’t help but voice my opinions on “Having a Rough Night.” to mention that she was unwell with Manager chargedAs for time-and-a-half.the vouchers, please Valet also parking check Shalom and Chava. As I read it, I noted the symptoms Zack Blumenfeld cellulitis and had described the symp- requirements.was arranged, sinceI believe we couldn’tthat the have only cars In the beginning, I was feeling worse being described and immediately Executive Sales Directors toms of this infection. It had started childrenon the premises. eligible Weto receive needed them to pay are to for Shalom, as I felt Chava was imma- thought (based on the sleeping patterns Surie Katz with a very small red mark on her leg. I Esther Friedman childrensanitize the who house. start Glovesschool inand Florida masks in ture and not communicating properly. being described) that it sounded as had never heard of it before. As soon as kindergarten.needed to be provided. Anyone comingTo add tolater all onthis She was thinking more about herself and though a physical issue needed to be Europe Advertising I saw this mark on my husband’s leg, I maystress, not the be photographer eligible. Though canceled in the the l ng not being sympathetic to Shalom. ruled out first When I finished eading 44 203 519 0278 recalled what she had told me and the run,day beforeas the thecommunity wedding. grows, Getting vouchers a new Now I feel bad for Chava. Why isn’t the story, I saw that this, indeed, turned Advertising Coordinator symptoms were all so similar. canphotographer help sustain at thea school, last minute it might was not a be Shalom being more forthcoming with out to be the case. Malky Weinberger I called her to discuss it and she very anlot immediateof money. Our solution. badchan charged us the details about the drugs? He’s begin- What surprised me was that the Markowitz Distribution fi mly advised me to drive my husband 917-202-3973 extra because he had to travel an hour ning to sound suspect, even if in the end protagonist’s sister, a “family therapist,” 347-675-7456 immediately to the emergency room, L.J.C. which I did. He was hospitalized for Ami Magazine Chicago nine days and given intravenous P: 718-534-8800 F: 718-484-7731 antibiotics. This in ection can move so [email protected] A Minor Mark fast that by the time my husband was Ami Magazine. Published by Mehulol Publications ...can cause a major mark admitted to the hospital, there was a LLC. All rights reserved. Reproduction in whole or Bring in your Shabbos with in part in any form without prior written permission In reference to “Clean Bill,” Issue 479 red line leading from the mark and from the publisher is prohibited. The publisher traveling up his leg. We shall be forever reserves the right to edit all articles for clarity, space, and editorial sensitivities. Ami Magazine assumes no responsibility for the content of advertisements Dear Editor: grateful for the incredible hashgachah in the publication, nor for the contents of books that are referred to or excerpted herein. pratis of having learned about this Thank ou for your interestingFEELING. and infection just before I needed the 10 AMI•LIVING AUGUST 19, 2020 29 AV 5780

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information. We could have so easily overlooked this little red mark and not noticedShingles the infection at advancing Thirty through No Sweeping therapists can make a very comfortable hisRelief body. through a simple living by keeping their patients “in A seemingly innocuous red mark Assumptions technique thrall” of them and constantly coming accompanied by severe flu-like s mp- About therapy back. In reference to “My Take,” Issue 466 toms can be a sign of cellulitis and In reference to “Letters,” Issue 470 Unlike other professions, there is no needs immediate attention. accountability required of therapists. Dear Editor: Dear Editor: Once a therapist gets his/her degree (or Wishing all cholim a refuah shleimah, not—legally in Israel anyone can call O.J.I suffered from shingles at the ripe old I would like to weigh in regarding themselves a therapist), s/he is not age of 30. Sarah Rivkah Kohn’s comments about required to answer to anyone. The e’s no RabbiI was visiting family out of town when the article written by Mrs. Hoffma one to complain to if you suspect that these mysterious symptoms appeared. I about therapy. your loved one is developing patient Yeshayahuwent to three different medicalHaber doctors Where exactly are all the “sweeping dependency or being negatively infl - Seeingand no one an could image figu e out what was assumptions” Ms. Kohn is accusing Mrs. enced in therapy. The apists require no Inwrong reference with to me. Feature, The pain Issue ot 479 so bad, I RabbiHoffman of making “…that feed into a supervision and no monitoring by ended up in the local ER and had to use a Yeshayahubelief that [therapy] is quite damaging”? outside forces, so no one’s checking if a Haber, z”l Dearwheelchair Editor: at the airport on our way She said nothing of the sort and even therapist is even doing what s/he’s been home. When I got home and visited my emphasized how beneficial the apy can trained to do. GPAmi he Magazine diagnosed is me out with of thisshingles, world. but it be. It is not enough to check a therapist’s Keepwas already up the toogreat late work! to treat Don’t with change the a peopleThe canf ct isrelate that betterMrs. Hoffman to him or m even de Reliefcredentials, experience for Shingles and references. thing!antiviral medication. My next stop was my discoversome very that valid they and recognize important him? points I ...withSadly, there vitamin are many E personal accounts “Crossroads” is such a well-written, chiropractor, in the hope he could do alwaysregarding saw the him dangers busy helping and extremely people in Inand reference articles to about “My Take,”lives and Issue relationships 466 suspenseful,something to emotional help alleviate story! the It’s excruciat the - thedevastating hospital, consequencesyet I didn’t know of therapists his name. torn asunder by destructive therapy, and first thing e read every week! ing nerve pain. I am a fi m believer in the Now“who I are have either been incompetent able to put twoor driven and DearMrs. HoffmaEditor: ’s examples are simply mind-bodyJust wondering...when connection, but writing what hapsuch- twoby personal together. agendas and can damage or further proof of this. an article as the one about Rabbi pened next was truly miraculous, and I destroyThank people ou so by much. violating boundaries IIt’s too out had there, shingles. and asIt longis painful. as there My is Yeshayahuwouldn’t believe Haber, it canhad youI not add experienced a picture it and commandeering their perspectives daughterno accountability, had it as therea little is girl,very having little M.R. ofmyself. the person He explained you’re talking that shingles about isso often and decision-making.” beenrecourse exposed one canminimally take in asthe a eventbaby tothat brought on by high stress levels and can Indeed, Ms. Kohn herself addresses you or someone you know gets be helped by releasing some of the the potential pitfalls in therapy, and she entrenched in damaging therapy emotional pain. He then proceeded to even gives some fantastic solutions as R.L. work on me for 30 minutes, primarily she explains that she interviews and focusing on the emotional freedom monitors the therapy referrals she does, technique. and also does a lot of therapy coaching I hobbled into his office at a pain vel in house, “meaning we help clients make of 8 or 9, and walked out at a 2. He also sense of what’s happening in therapy.” taught me the basics of the technique so I Regrettably, inAW20 most therapeutic CORRECTION can help myself if I experience nerve pain. situations—outsidec o m i n of g organizations s o o n The byline of the “Our Days” story “A Legacy of Devotion” (Issue 471) When I feel a fla e up of the nerve pain, I such as Ms. Kohn’s, which oversees and should have been: Musia Kaplan. am aware that I’m bottling up negative intervenes if something is “off ”—the Additionally the information that emotions that need a proper release, and therapist has absolutely no one to Rudy Meyer was the grandson of with the help of Hashem, I’ve experienced answer to, nor do concerned relatives the Rav of Regensberg and had a true relief through using this simple have anyone they can turn to. Clearly, frum uncle who encouraged him technique. If you have any questions, feel this is a recipe for disaster in the event to live up to his grandfather’s free to contact me through Ami. that the therapist is dishonest, biased legacy was omitted.. N.W. and so forth. And at $100-$200 per weekly 50-minuteFlatbush session, unscrupulousLakewood Monsey Williamsburg Jerusalem 1411 Avenue M 256 Cedar Bridge Ave 59 Route 59 517 Park Ave Rechov Paran 15 718.336.9090 732.901.6441 845.459.6290 718.708.6108 [email protected] 02.966.3996 16 AMI•LIVING JUNE 24, 2020 2 TAMUZ 5780 www.shopdimensionsmaternity.com | summer sale on now

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chicken pox. What helped me then was Now more than ever, when so many but not even to consider it as an option taking a warm shower and applying factions are raising their voices, it is is extremely upsetting. vitaminShingles E oil that was at in Thirtya wheat germ imperativeNo Sweeping for our voice to be heard as therapistsThe a ticle can talks make about a very “riding comfortable out the base.Relief It immediately through a resolvedsimple the pain, well. Every vote counts, even if you galusliving in by a keepingbetter place”—i.e., their patients Florida. “in and the blisters went away within a don’tAssumptions live in a swing state. The amban, talmidim of the Vilna technique thrall” of them and constantly coming week. Since first c ntracting it 30 years About therapy Gaon,back. the Chazon Ish, and others In reference to “My Take,” Issue 466 ago, I have never had a fla e-up. M.G.In reference to “Letters,” Issue 470 couldUnlike not otherfind a professions, better pl ce there to ride is noout Please pass this on to relieve people’s theaccountability galus. Such requireda move mayof therapists. not be Dear Editor: suffering. EscapeDear Editor: possibleOnce a therapistfor everyone, gets buthis/her is it degree not even (or anot consideration?—legally in Israel How anyone sad. can call RachelI suff Englishered from shingles at the ripe old NeI would w Yo like to r kweigh in regarding Chanathemselves Poupko a therapist), s/he is not age of 30. ToSarah Eretz Rivkah Yisrael Kohn’s comments about required to answer to anyone. The e’s no Jerusalem I was visiting family out of town when Inthe reference article writtento Feature, by Mrs.Issue Hoffma478 one to complain to if you suspect that Vothese t mysterious i n g symptoms appeared. I about therapy. your loved one is developing patient Iswent a must to three different medical doctors DearWhere Editor: exactly are all the “sweeping Checkdependency or the being negativelySheets infl - Inand reference no one tocould Editorial, figue Issue out what 477 was assumptions” Ms. Kohn is accusing Mrs. ...andenced inthe therapy. hechsher The apists require no wrong with me. The pain ot so bad, I Hoffman of making “…that feed into a supervision and no monitoring by It was with sadness that I read the In reference to “Bytes,” Issue 478 Dearended Editor: up in the local ER and had to use a belief that [therapy] is quite damaging”? outside forces, so no one’s checking if a article on escaping from New York to wheelchair at the airport on our way She said nothing of the sort and even therapist is even doing what s/he’s been Florida. Dear Editor: home. When I got home and visited my emphasized how beneficial the apy can trained to do. Thank ou for a great magazine. I People are willing to uproot their GP he diagnosed me with shingles, but it be. It is not enough to check a therapist’s especially enjoy Rechy Frankfurter’s edi- families, look for new jobs, enroll was already too late to treat with the The f ct is that Mrs. Hoffman m de credentials,I noticed thatexperience some cleaning and references. advice torial. It is the first thing I ead. Th children in new schools, but they are antiviral medication. My next stop was my some very valid and important points inSadly, “Putter there Around are many the personalHouse” inaccounts a topic of the importance of voting not even urged to consider moving to chiropractor, in the hope he could do regarding the dangers and extremely recentand articles AmiLiving about containedlives and relationships a sugges- cannot be emphasized enough. We are Eretz Yisrael? “Eretz asher…tamid einei something to help alleviate the excruciat- devastating consequences of therapists tiontorn to asunder use a dryer by destructive sheet to removetherapy, and fortunate to live in a country that Hashem Elokecha ba” (Devarim 11:12)— ing nerve pain. I am a fi m believer in the “who are either incompetent or driven Mrs. Hoffma ’s examples are simply permits us to vote, and we should utilize it is the land upon which Hashem’s eyes grease from dishes. A little-known fact mind-body connection, but what hap- by personal agendas and can damage or further proof of this. the right. My grandparents are Holo- gaze constantly. is that dryer sheets may contain treif pened next was truly miraculous, and I destroy people by violating boundaries It’s out there, and as long as there is caust survivors, and they always made it Yes, moving to Eretz Yisrael involves ingredients and should only be used on wouldn’t believe it had I not experienced it and commandeering their perspectives no accountability, there is very little a point to vote in every election and greater effort and a willingness to come dishes if they have a hechsher. myself. He explained that shingles is often and decision-making.” recourse one can take in the event that would tell us to appreciate the privilege. down from the gashmiyus of America— Golda Schapiro brought on by high stress levels and can Indeed, Ms. Kohn herself addresses you or someone you know gets be helped by releasing some of the the potential pitfalls in therapy, and she entrenched in damaging therapy emotional pain. He then proceeded to even gives some fantastic solutions as R.L. work on me for 30 minutes, primarily she explains that she interviews and focusing on the emotional freedom monitors the therapy referrals she does, technique. and also does a lot of therapy coaching I hobbled into his office at a pain vel in house, BRING“meaning we help clients ON make THE HEAT! of 8 or 9, and walked out at a 2. He also sense of what’s happening in therapy.” taught me the basics of the technique so I Regrettably, in most therapeutic CORRECTION can help myself if I experience nerve pain. situations—outside of organizations The byline of the “Our Days” story “A Legacy of Devotion” (Issue 471) When I feel a fla e up of the nerve pain, I such as Ms. Kohn’s, which oversees and should have been: Musia Kaplan. am aware that I’m bottling up negative intervenes if something is “off ”—the Additionally the information that emotions that need a proper release, and therapist has absolutely no one to Rudy Meyer was the grandson of with the help of Hashem, I’ve experienced answer to, nor do concerned relatives the Rav of Regensberg and had a MICE PROOFING / BED BUGS / HEAT TREATMENT / INSECTS / ETC. true relief through using this simple have anyone they can turn to. Clearly, frum uncle who encouraged him technique. 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Liv481_Letters.inddLiv473_Letters.indd 14 16 6/18/208/13/20 11:078:21 PM PM 016_Living481_MRS P.indd 1 8/13/20 9:23 PM RebbetzinThe by Rebbetzin Feige Twerski Speaks A Matter of Trust Putting one’s faith into the hands of others

ne of our children, as a youngster, required mankind—the ten plagues, the splitting of the sea, minor surgery. When they wheeled her manna from heaven—could possibly question the out of the operating room, there was blood existence of the Creator. Rather he defines “emunah” Rebbetzin Feige oozing from her nose. Subsequently, when as steadfastness—towing the line behaviorally of that Twerski is the my husband referred to the traumatic which we know intellectually. mother of 11 O children and many experience of watching his child in pain, he identifie Factor #1: Moshe Rabbeinu, in his initial appearance grandchildren, bli the three factors that made this situation tolerable before klal Yisrael, informed them of Hashem’s love, ayin hara. enough so that he wouldn’t “jump off the oof.” caring and concern for them that had never ceased. Alongside her Thefirst was that the surgeon, Dr. Freedman, was a Factor #2: At the splitting of the sea, they were privy husband, Rabbi devoted friend of the family and cared supremely. to the Almighty’s show of great power, proving that Michel Twerski, she serves as rebbetzin Under no circumstances would he deal with one of Hashem is omnipotent. to her community our children cavalierly. Factor #3: At Har Sinai they experienced revelation in Milwaukee and The second critical component was that he was in the way that the pasuk states: “V’gam b’cha ya’aminu counsels people all unquestionably qualified—a noted physician with the l’olam” (Exodus 19:9). Th y knew beyond any question over the globe. The highest of credentials. that Moshe Rabbeinu would be the faithful link to Rebbetzin is a popular lecturer, Perhaps most importantly, the third feature was that communicate their concerns to our Heavenly Father. speaking on a wide he understood our concerns and was quintessentially So what was the problem? What was the source of variety of topics to sensitive and available to address them. their losing heart that gave rise to Moshe Rabbeinu’s audiences in The Maharal of Prague identifies these very three rebuking them for their lack of faith at the end of his America and pillars as grounds for rational faith in Hashem. Rabbi life? overseas. She is the author of Ask David Fohrman, a wonderful teacher, explains that “Emunah,” Rabbi Fohrman elucidates, both with Rebbetzin Feige, emunah in this context does not consist of believing Hashem and in the realm of human relationships Rebbetzin Feige that G-d exists. It is not possible, he asserts, that the “speaks to a kind of unflin hing willingness to trust Responds and The nation in the desert, which had seen the most unprec- even as we confront our deepest fears.” New Normal. edented series of miracles ever experienced by Moshe Rabbeinu chastises the people—not because

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they didn’t believe in Hashem—but because they weren’t steadfast with Him. Th y shrank away from Him even as Hashem was lovingly telling them to trust Him. Trust is always hard, Rabbi Fohrman cogently explains. To steadfastly place yourself in the embrace of your beloved even as your beloved reassures you they will take care of you through the darkest night, through the greatest terrors, is a tough thing. To achieve closeness, one must abandon oneself to the other, allowing oneself to be vulnerable, in a way leaving the self behind and merging together. Loss of self is always scary; for klal Yisrael in the desert it was frightening and daunt- ing with Hashem. Even the status quo of Egyptian slavery was preferable in that state of mind. For all of us, both in our relationships with G-d and man, we need to sort out our issues. If, as in our personal situation with our daughter, the doctor was caring, competent and respectful of our concerns, not trusting would be a case of succumb- ing to unfounded fears—fears of relin- quishing control, of letting go and submit- ting ourselves to the hand of another. Many relationships would benefit from the understanding that “it’s only in giving ourselves up that we find ourselves,” and 718.431.0444 | www.zissywigs.com thereby both in our relationship with 1832 62nd st. Bklyn, NY 11204 | Hashem and with man we can achieve the l greatest of intimacy.

Liv481_Twerski.indd 17 8/13/20 8:08 PM RabbanitThe by Rabbanit Yemima Mizrachi Speaks Influencing the World You are the queen in your life

yeshivah on the very first day of his new zman. “What will happen if…” “And if…and if…” Th t’s an Ima, all the time thinking “im, im, im—if.” And my husband said to me, “You’re crying nonstop. You can’t go into the building like that. I’ll take him in.” What do we do with this great fear, with all of our maternal and human worries and concerns? Let’s start with the perek of Tehillim of chodesh Elul, L’Dovid Hashem Ori. What does Dovid Hamelech say in the first verse? “Mimi ira, whom shall I fear? Hashem maoz chayai mimi efchad, Hashem is the strength of my life, whom shall I dread?” he last few months have been one long Dovid Hamelech is in the most fearful situation facing stretch of highlighted uncertainty, not enemies who wish to destroy him, and what does he knowing what lies ahead. And every time do? “One thing I asked of Hashem,” I ask of You one we enter such a period, a period of the thing, Ribbono shel Olam: “ThatI dwell in the House of Tunknown, we’re accompanied by that loyal Hashem all the days of my life, to behold the delight of Rabbanit Mizrachi sidekick: fear. We may find ourse ves being gripped by Hashem and to contemplate in His sanctuary.” Thiswas is one of Israel’s a pachad that surpasses any pachad we’ve felt before. the solution to all of his problems. most popular How do we deal with this fear? Parshat Shoftim has And that’s what the Torah asks of us in this week’s speakers, with tens the answer for us. We’re used to thinking that a fearful parshah: Tamim tiheyu im Hashem Elokecha. And the of thousands of individual is most influenced by her environment. Ev- question that so many of us ask is “How?” How can I students. Her lectures are erything she hears, everywhere she goes, she faces an- have such temimut if I’ve had my fair share of disap- attended by other trigger. But what is even more influential here is pointments and anguish in life? But the Torah speaks hundreds of women. her effect on others. When a pachdan comes into an to all of us and the command is clear: Tamim tiheyu. We Her book, Yemima environment, everyone in her vicinity is affected. And are required to believe wholly and fully. Mizrachi Speaks so, the pasuk tells us in Parshat Shoftim, “the fearful and How can we do that? How can we take all of our fears (ArtScroll), is a magnificen soft-hearted” man was instructed to refrain from joining and channel them into tefilla , like Dovid Hamelech? compilation of Torah the army. He was commanded to stay home. Don’t go Rebbe Nachman of Breslov tells us how: If you feel that thoughts for women, to war lest you influence those who are determined to temimut is not your thing, daven for that. Ask Hashem facilitated by Shiff fight and th y will become weakened as a result. to plant temimut in your heart. Achat sha’alti mei’eit Friedman. Thishappened to me when I accompanied by son to Hashem: Hashem, I want this temimut. I want the faith

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Liv481_Mizrachi.indd 18 8/13/20 8:13 PM that Dovid Hamelech had. Know that you A true tamim, a true Yid, realizes how much is in our have a hand, as hands; what a koach we have to forge that connection. the Ramban Tha ’s what the Ramban teaches us in this week’s writes, in parshah in a fascinating commentary. He writes determining that our future is determined by our very own your future. deeds. No fortune teller or horoscope can tell us about You are the our future, about our coming year, the coming moment. Rather, temimut is to mashpia of believe only in Hashem and to heed only His words. your life. And, he ends off, this is a mitzvat asei. It’s a mitzvat asei to follow Hashem’s command wholly and fully, to engage in positive deeds and thoughts, and through that our future is determined, he says. So if I’m worried about the future, the Torah tells me what to do. First, channel those fears into tefilla . Express your fear, your deepest worries, to Hashem. And engage in good deeds, as simple as that, so you can help determine what will be. Yes, the Ramban tells us, you and I have that koach. What a breathtaking approach. It’s an approach that says, “You are the queen.” In the words of this week’s parshah, “Som tasim alecha melech.” Yes, my dear sisters, you are the queen in your life. With your good deeds, you influence the world in more ways than you can imagine. Just as the pachdan influences his environment in one way, you have the koach to influence yours. Know that you have a hand, as the Ramban writes, in determining your future. You are the mashpia of your life. May you be zocheh to engage in good deeds and to merit a beautiful, fulfi ling present and future. l Chodesh tov!

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pot directly on GARDENING heat source ew research at Princeton University has found that gardening at home can affect emotional well- being in ways that are similar to biking or walking. N hot plate The researchers stated, “Home gardening was among the top fi e activities in terms of how meaningful an activity felt to people while engaging in it.” “Many more people garden than we think, and it appears to be associated with higher levels of happiness, The Babshi Shabbos Pan similar to the effects of walking and biking,” said Anu is designed to be placed atop Ramaswami, Princeton’s Sanjay Swani, Professor of India a crockpot or regular pot to Studies, Professor of Civil and Environmental Engineering. keep food warm without “In the movement to make cities more livable, gardening having to turn on extra flames might be a big part of improving quality of life.” or overcrowd a hot plate. The pans are thick enough to “The high levels of meaningfulness that respondents Smarts hold solids or liquid but thin reported while gardening might be associated with Stop rust rings enough to absorb the heat. producing one’s own food,” said Graham Ambrose, a The handles can be folded from forming on research specialist in Princeton’s Department of Civil and over to secure the cover. bathroom shelves Environmental Engineering. “The boost to emotional by sealing the well-being is comparable to other leisure activities that bottoms of cans currently get the lion’s share of infrastructure investment. These findings sug est that when we choose future with clear nail well-being projects to fund, we should pay just as much Babshi Shabbos Pan polish. attention to household gardening.” available at local supermarkets shabbospan.com

Liv481__bytes.indd 21 8/13/20 7:57 PM Ami Living readers are invited to use this forum as a means of expressing their concerns regarding issues facing our families and communities. This is your soapbox. Send your submission to MyTake [email protected].

A Family Affair GOOD NEIGHBORS ARE AMONG THE GREATEST BLESSINGS By Shmelke Diamond

few weeks ago, AmiLiving choice some years ago to change my life current apartment, part of a new con- ran a cover story about the completely. Jumping from Long Island’s struction project with about 20 units, I gradual disappearance of fabulous North Shore into the Satmar had no idea what was in store for me. I extended families, and the community of Kiryas Yoel, I created both was immediately greeted by old friends Adr amatic effect it has had a physical and emotional barrier between whom I had known either from Wil- on society and our lives. Dina Neuman’s me and the only family I had ever known. liamsburg or Boro Park, or were other- description of the nuclear family as being Thankfuly, time, the great healer, would wise somehow connected to my network on “distance” mode resonated with me reshape and rebind me with almost all of of acquaintances. personally, as my own family lives a fair my relatives, but the matter of being To start, there were my neighbors distance away. While I could have written physically alone was something that no Duvid and his wife, Devorie, a freshly directly to the author, I decided to choose amount of love or respect could change. married, picture-perfect kollel couple. a more public forum to talk about how When I relocated to Boro Park several Before I moved in, someone had men- my own experience has differed from the years ago, that desire for a big family was tioned that they lived in the building, but conclusion being reached by sociologists. only amplified as I would often see prefaced it by saying that they were For those who may not know, while I families of many generations gathered “untouchable,” due to both of their was raised by two adoring, devoted together in shul and on festive occasions, families’ prominence in the community. I parents and have an extended family of while I would simply return to my abode therefore assumed that my chances of aunts, an uncle (may his memory be alone. being even casual friends with them was blessed) and two special cousins, I made a However, when I moved into my slim to none. I can laugh about that now,

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because Duvid turned out to be one of The e is much to be learned from people the best neighbors I could have ever I assumed like them, and I doubt that I will be the davened for, inviting me for Shabbos last person to whom Shauly gives a meals by his in-laws on several occasions that my much-needed piece of advice. and opening up his door to my multitude chances of Of course, I would be remiss without of knocks at all hours of the day and mentioning Moshe and Pessy, who got night. I worried about how that dynamic being even married only three days after I did. would change after I was married, but Although Moshe is several years younger once again, I was blown away. Not only casual friends than I am, we struck up an immediate did Duvid attend my wedding, but they friendship, and are navigating shanah also sent us breakfast on the first mo ning with them was rishonah, quarantining, and shanah of sheva brachos. rishonah-style quarantining together! He My wife happens to be a good cook slim to none. and his extended family have proven to be who enjoys making Shabbos, but I am more than just neighbors during this crazy not particularly geshickt, so I would I can laugh time; they are somehow always there frequently forget that we didn’t own a whenever I need something, be it a printer, working hot plate until 20 minutes before about that a chavrusa session or a bottle of water. the zman. Like clockwork, I would call Speaking of quarantine, we’ve even Duvid, and he would lend me his with a now... developed a barter system of sorts. For smile. One time I went away for Shabbos. example, I call Moshe for an emergency That riday afternoon, Duvid even called slice of bread, and he calls me for the to ask if he should leave the hot plate weather report over Shabbos, which outside his door, explaining that he wasn’t makes me realize that we need one more going to be home later in the day! bekele so I go to Duvid, to whom I will be Then the e were Chaim and Fraidy, giving a ride on Motzaei Shabbos. two flights u , a Bobover couple with chasidishe shul, much less attended a Yes, I do believe that the structure of Rebbishe blood, balebatishe taste and the weekend-long simchah. the family and how we relate to each patience of two psychiatrists! Many a Another surprise awaiting me was in other has shifted, but sometimes, when night, especially in the hectic weeks the form of Shauly and Breindy, a Satmar we least expect it, somebody or maybe leading up to my chasunah, when I was couple who are actually the same age I even an entire group of people can enter overwhelmed by the out-of-town am but possess a maturity that is usually our lives and give it new meaning. wedding prep along with the overall reserved for people more advanced in Although my own journey is unique in change from bachur to yungerman, I years. Shauly personifies the “business- many ways, I don’t think that my experi- would find m self on Chaim’s couch as man by day, tatteh by night” balance to ence is so unusual; in fact, I challenge Fraidy cut me another slice of cake and which many aspire. Moreover, his anyone to think for a moment and try to pushed off their ba y’s bedtime another unrelenting devotion to doing right by see if he has ever “found” new family. 15 minutes while I bared my soul (for the everyone is only matched by his compas- Maybe the hard part isn’t finding thes third time that week.) sion. For example, on the night before my special people but realizing how blessed I asked Chaim to speak at my Shabbos wedding, I realized that I had absolutely we are to have them, and showing them bavarfen, which he did beautifully, while no idea how to put on the tallis that my our gratitude. Let’s take this upcoming Fraidy and her family mingled with a kallah had so graciously ordered for me. season of repentance and renewal to show crowd that was 50% Kiryas Yoel, 30% Whom else could I call at 11:30 p.m. our appreciation, and perhaps, even on a Williamsburg and 20% white-shoe Long other than Shauly, who showed me both small scale, pay it forward to someone l Island who had never been inside a how to wrap myself in it and fold it? else.

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025_Living481_Pastel.indd 1 8/13/20 9:22 PM THEnavigating NEWLYWEDS By Riva Pomerantz Focus on Fathers-in-Law Adjusting Expectations

utting fathers-in-law in the spotlight is apparently hitting a raw nerve, based on the reader feedback that’s been pouring in. Today we’re highlighting one particular letter that begs to be P addressed. Caught in the middle, a shvigger wants to know how to handle her husband’s bitter disappointment in his son-in-law, who has not met his expectations. We were fortunate to be able to pose this question to Rav Michel Twerski, the renowned rav of the Milwaukee community, and Rav Dovid Steinhauer, rosh chaburah of the Jerusalem Kollel. Both offer much- needed chizzuk and advice that will no doubt resonate with fathers-in- law—and mothers-in-law!—around the world.

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Liv481_ Navigating.indd 26 8/13/20 7:40 PM A Great Disappointment

hank you for opening up the very important, under-discussed topic of fathers-in-law. Although shviggers get the most flak there’s a lot that goes on with shvers as well. According to the letters in the previous installment of “Navigating the Newlyweds,” there are some fathers-in-law who have very big expectations for their sons-in-law; for example, they feel that their daughters deserve someone who is top quality, or they want the boy to be a big lamdan. Often the parents offer a lot of financial suppo t, or even a dirah, for a boy who is a spectacular talmid chacham. So what can a shver do if, for whatever reason, he is disappointed in his son-in-law? This is t ue in Tmy husband’s case, and I don’t know how to handle it. Our daughter married a “top, top boy” and we host the couple almost every Shabbos, so we have ample opportunities to spend time with them. My husband was really looking forward to seeing our son-in-law “in action,” and it bothers him that, for example, after the Shabbos seudah, instead of going to learn, he will sit at the table and schmooze for hours on end. My husband feels that even a boy who is not “top” would ordinarily be learning after the meal, so what does it mean about our son-in- law? He often expresses his distress to me, and I’m not sure what to say about it. My husband also expects our son-in-law, who is known to be a big masmid, to share divrei Torah at the Shabbos table, but he never volunteers. I keep telling my husband that it isn’t proper to put him on the spot by asking him to say something. But it is really eating away at my husband. I tell him that he should just relax and let things work themselves out, but am I right in this approach? I remember a rebbetzin once saying that you can’t really judge a boy’s hasmadah by how he learns during his engagement period, and even during shanah rishonah. Is this true? Should we just let go and be patient? On a more general level, I would really like to hear recommendations for how a shver can foster a good relationship with his sons-in-law so that I can pass them on to my husband. Lastly, how much should I try to intervene in their relationship? Thanks so uch!

Anonymous Shvigger Rav Michel Twerski and Rav Dovid Steinhauer Respond

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Liv481_ Navigating.indd 27 8/13/20 7:41 PM NAVIGATING THE NEWLYWEDS

RAV MICHEL TWERSKI Stay Out of the Children’s Business

’m at a bit of a loss to answer because In most cases where there are difficulti where they want to live and what they there are some things you can’t really in the relationship, it’s not usually an want to do with their lives. This an teach. Th y aren’t matters of technique in-law issue per se as much as an ego and automatically minimize some of the but depend on the philosophy of life pride problem, meaning that when the potential friction between the parents and by which a person operates, which son-in-law comes into the picture, the the child-in-law. Iresults in certain outcomes. To give a small transition isn’t being handled well. The e The father-in-law in the letter bemoan example, there was a young chasidishe are some cases where the son-in-law is a the fact that his son-in-law, who was Rebbe who came to Milwaukee 60 years bigger talmid chacham or he’s wealthier supposed to be a top boy, doesn’t seem to ago for a wedding. When he saw the than his shver, and the father-in-law be living up to his reputation. I would ask reverence and affection that the kehillah might feel insecure or worry that his him this: First and foremost, is your had for my father, zt”l, he went over to authority is threatened. It can get very daughter’s new husband a baal middos him and asked, “Tell me, what’s your tovos, and does he have yiras shamayim? If secret?” someone loses that focus and he’s only “Ich hob lieb Yidden,” my father respond- looking at the boy’s Torah learning, he’s ed, whereupon the visitor said, “Oh! The “If the father making a big mistake. You don’t marry that’s the key!” your daughter off to a shtender! “No, you don’t understand,” said my is only looking I would advise the father-in-law to stay father. “It’s not a technique. I really do love out of his son-in-law’s learning entirely. If Jews.” at the boy’s the shver continues to complain about it to This is h w I would answer the letter- his wife, she should encourage him to just writer’s question. As a father-in-law, I Torah learning, let it go. If he persists in obsessing over the operate in a context that is all-encompass- he’s making a matter, she should enlist the help of a ing and refers to the complete picture of mentor or rav her husband respects who how I relate to my children. I welcome my big mistake. can remind him that one of the unwritten sons-in- law when they come into our mitzvos in the Torah is “Don’t be a fool!” family, and they become my children. You don’t marry and that he should mind his own business. Furthermore, my daughters know that if In contrast, this shver’s approach of they are going to tell me about a differ- your daughter off keeping an eagle eye on his son-in-law ence of opinion they have with their and feeling continuously disappointed will husbands, I will likely take my son-in- to a shtender!” only lead to more stress and tension. It law’s side as my bias is pointed in the definite y won’t help things in the least. direction of encouraging my girls to look Remember, you can accomplish much up to their husbands and defer to them. more with authentic love than with any I want all my children to know that we sticky and cause unnecessary stress. other approach in the world. Just stay endorse them, and our affection and My basic approach is non-confronta- positive; focus on this boy’s good qualities respect for them is in no way compro- tional, and I try to be objective. I think it’s and the way he treats your daughter. If mised by any kind of inclination to favor important for children to know from the your relationship with your son-in-law is our children over our children-in-law. So get-go that their parents are there for one of warmth and respect, the amount of when you ask how to cultivate a relation- them and aren’t going to intrude on their nachas you can reap, both from him and ship between a father- and son-in-law, I’m relationship with their spouse. Th from your grandchildren, increases not sure there’s an actual technique. children are free to make choices about exponentially.

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Liv481_ Navigating.indd 29 8/13/20 7:41 PM NAVIGATING THE NEWLYWEDS

heavily in support for the new couple, Our yeshivos are still doing a tremen- know her family. If you’re interested in they want to be sure that their choice dous job of producing bnei Torah who seeing his dedication to learning, look at meets their expectations. These expect - eschew the temptations of the world and what time he arrives at kollel in the tions may include a certain proficien y in devote themselves to becoming talmidei morning and how diligently he applies Shas, a high spiritual standing and/or an chachamim. The nly difference is how himself while he is there. expected level of hasmadah. Of course, much of that goal has already been I remember when a group of avreichim the father-in-law is going to keep careful accomplished by the time the bachur wanted to open a kollel for an hour and a tabs on whether his son-in-law is living begins shidduchim. It is therefore of half after Shacharis on Shabbos. Th y up to his standards and justifying his paramount importance to understand went to ask Rav Shlomo Zalman “investment.” that today’s top bachur isn’t necessarily Auerbach for his approval. Th y were However, here we come to the firs going to be proficient in Shas or keep his shocked when he refused to allow it, potential pitfall: How exactly do you feet immersed in ice water to stay up at exclaiming, “That ould mean that you define a top bachur? Is he the brightest, night. arrive home an hour and a half later for the most studious, the biggest lamdan? Is I once heard a question regarding the the seudah, and maybe your wives will be that the quality the father-in-law had in Gemara that states that one should hungry!” Instead, he suggested making mind? As a mashgiach, I am often asked endeavor to marry the daughter of a the kollel an hour and a half before if a bachur has yiras shamayim or ahavas talmid chacham and that a father should Shacharis. Torah. I have learned that the correct marry his daughter to one. While the The c ncern that was raised about way to answer this question is to send it father-in-law might be an accomplished divrei Torah during the meal is hard to right back and say, “How do you defin talmid chacham, can we really expect the answer without knowing the nature of yiras shamayim?” Some people think that same from a chasan half his age? Th the conversation during the meal. If it having yiras shamayim means learning answer is that we should look for revolves around the parshah, it might be mussar every day, others feel it means someone who is becoming a talmid unusual if the son-in-law doesn’t knowing halachah, and still others answer chacham, whose sights are set on growing participate. However, if the conversation that they want a boy who has a serious in Torah and who lives his life with isn’t Torah-related, it’s unfair to expect a outlook on life. Depending on the Torah as a priority. Then when it comes guest (and even a son-in-law feels like a person, ahavas Torah may mean wanting time to marry off his daughter, she will guest in the beginning) to bring up an to pursue a kollel career, making time to be the daughter of a veteran talmid unrelated topic. learn during vacations from yeshivah, or chacham! In conclusion, I would like to share being focused on the sugya to the On a more practical level, many two more general observations. exclusion of everything else. chasanim simply need to make the 1. One of the most unfortunate The sec nd thing to bear in mind is the transition from the lifestyle of a yeshivah aftereffects of shidduchim is that since generation gap. In the yeshivah environ- bachur, where the beis midrash is their people enter the parshah with a specifi ment that the shver remembers fondly central focus, to the new reality of being set of requirements, they continue to from 20 to 30 years ago, the standards married, in which they must find keep their wish list close to their hearts were completely different from what they balance between learning and spending even after the wedding, and they keep are today. I remember how we used to time with their wives. While every checking to make sure their spouse or wait for the pay phone in the yeshivah family will find its wn comfortable child-in-law really is everything they lunchroom to make a single call home balance, it is fully understandable that hoped he or she would be. If the newly once a week. Today bachurim have cell many will view the kollel hours as the married husband or wife falls short, they phones. What the father-in-law recalls time to be in the beis midrash, and start to wonder if they were mistaken in when he looks back nostalgically on the non-kollel hours as the time to enjoy their decision. Mir of Rav Chaim Shmuelevitz or together. It would not concern me if a The e is one piece of advice I would Lakewood under Rav Shneur is not the newly married avreich spent Shabbos like to share with newlyweds and their same as the Mir or Lakewood of today. afternoon with his wife or getting to parents: Do your best to find the mos

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Liv481_ Navigating.indd 30 8/13/20 7:41 PM “How exactly do you define a top bachur? Is he the brightest, the

most studious, ship between the shver and the son-in-law, and it will turn into that of a principal and the biggest a difficult studen The tensi n may even lamdan?” strain the couple’s shalom bayis. In contrast, if the father-in-law takes a different approach and thinks, “My daughter got a great guy, and I admire his worthy mate for yourself or for your child. desire to become a talmid chacham” and he But after the marriage, your outlook needs encourages his son-in-law’s growth, the to change. You have to understand that opposite will happen. The s n-in-law will this is the person Hashem has chosen for reciprocate by feeling, “My shver wants me you or your child, so you must now be to succeed, and he is willing to invest in focused on helping your husband or me both financia ly and emotionally!” Th son-in-law become the biggest talmid bond between them will more closely chacham and most successful eved Hashem resemble that of a father and son. And in that he can be. As mentioned earlier, every the same way that a father is proud of his chasan still needs time to develop and son’s achievements after all his efforts to mature as a talmid chacham, and it is a help him succeed, the father-in-law will journey you are going to embark on be proud of his son-in-law’s accomplish- together. While you might not be getting ments. a finished p oduct, you are playing an In fact, I would rephrase the statement integral part in perfecting it. “While you can’t choose your sons, you 2. People achieve the most when they can choose your sons-in-law.” Instead I are motivated and not when they are would say, “Not only can you determine forced to conform. A father-in-law who who your son-in-law will be, you can play dearly wants his son-in-law to become a pivotal role in shaping what he will l great would be well advised to encourage become.” the young man and praise his progress. Compliment him to his daughter and to the rest of the family. These measu es provide an incentive for him to reach tremendous heights in ruchniyus. On the other hand, if a father-in-law is constantly checking to make sure that his SPEAK UP! son-in-law is keeping up with his plan for him, and he shows his displeasure whenever he perceives that he got less than he Add your Share your story, bargained for, it will invariably create an voice to the dilemma, triumph, conversation. and/or give us your atmosphere in which the son-in-law feels take and advice. pressured to satisfy others’ expectations. Since most people don’t perform well under pressure, this dynamic could even cause the son-in-law to stop striving in his Write to us at editorial@ learning and avodas Hashem. amimagazine.org A second casualty will be the relation- Subject line: Newlyweds.

Liv481_ Navigating.indd 31 8/13/20 7:42 PM _Living481_accentuations.indd 32 8/13/20 10:08 PM _Living481_accentuations.indd 33 8/13/20 10:10 PM FEATURE

C OR ONA AND A-B-C WARFARE LYDIA LANXNER, HEAD OF DISASTER MANAGEMENT AT LANIADO HOSPITAL IN NETANYA, ISRAEL

By Shira Leibowitz Schmidt

Liv481_Feature .indd 34 8/13/20 8:32 PM Hospital staff in p otective gear (PPE) in the Corona Department

f you’ve ever been to Laniado Hospital and wondered why there are strange-looking curtainless shower stalls right near the entrance, the answer is that they are intended for use by victims of chemical warfare, chas v’shalom, to wash the toxins off their bodies. In fact, most hospitals in Israel Imust have contingency plans in case of an atomic (A), biological (B) or chemical (C) disaster.

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As the head of disaster management at Laniado, Lydia Lanxner has been preparing for potential disasters for decades. Although she now lives in Israel, Lydia grew up in Brussels, Belgium, where she attended the Athénée Maïmonide. In 1974, she and her husband, Moshe, moved to Milwaukee, Wisconsin, where he served as a chazan before they relocated to West Hartford, Connecticut; three of their children were born there. After becoming a nurse, Lydia eventually earned a master’s degree in public health. In 1986, the family immigrated to Netanya, in the hospital’s parking lot, stacked from where her parents had already floor to ceiling with thousands of boxes of settled and where their fourth child supplies. Themagnitude of the preparations suggested an impending war, and it was was born. very frightening. Like most people, I wasn’t thinking about a pandemic at the time. But long before the first COVID patient arrived at Laniado, Lydia was taking care of the logistics. “Thiswas a good example of the behind- Practice Makes Perfect on a cardboard chart around their necks. the-scenes practice that goes into disaster The doctors and nurses were graded on preparedness,” she explains. “First we made While one might say that the motto of how well they performed triage, treated sure that we had stockpiled enough PPEs Laniado’s Department of Disaster Manage- patients and managed the fl w of the [personal protective equipment] so we ment echoes that of the Boy Scouts, “Be wounded. Laniado, which received an excel- wouldn’t be dependent on buying them on prepared,” a more apropos maxim during lent score from the Health Ministry and the open market or abroad. In fact, many the recent COVID pandemic would be the civil defense authorities, passed with fl ing of these supplies had been purchased fi e verse in Koheles “Let your garments always colors. years earlier, when they were much less be white” (9:8). This of course, is a reference Conducting these practice drills every expensive. Some countries were caught off to the white personal protection “spacesuits” few years keeps the staff on its toes and guard in this respect, but here in Israel we worn by the hospital’s staff. ready to cope with a real-life disaster. There- always prepare for the worst. “Over the years,” Lydia tells me, “we have fore, when news of the outbreak of a novel “Thenext thing I had to do was to have periodically conducted practice sessions disease started to trickle in this past Febru- the doctors and nurses practice getting in where mass casualty events are simulated.” ary, Lydia and her staff went into high gear, and out of all the PPE paraphernalia. It’s She shows me photos of a drill back in checking their protocols and collecting not simple. We had to allocate a special 2017, in which mannequins and IDF sol- information. Shortly before the epidemic room for putting it on and another room diers were “stricken,” their symptoms listed hit full force, a humongous tent was pitched for taking it off. In the first room, you leave

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Liv481_Feature .indd 36 8/13/20 8:32 PM Laniado staff practicin medical procedures on a mannequin

all your clothes, shoes and pocket items. The e’s also a certain order in which the components have to go on and come off, so we made a buddy system so that people could practice in pairs under someone else’s watchful eye. We also set up mirrors. After you’re fully suited up, you have to be careful not to touch anything. “When it’s time to take everything off, it’s tricky getting the gloves off without using your hands, but you don’t want to self-contaminate or take the coronavirus back to your home. And of course, everyone has to shower. “Thenthere were things we learned only from experience. For example, when you’re wearing PPE, you cannot eat, drink or use the bathroom. Also, it gets mighty hot in there, so you can’t really wear it for more

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than four hours. In the end we had to make accommodations for additional staff members, more than we had planned.” In addition to training staff, Lydia built an entire infrastructure to cope with the possibility of a large influx of patients. Thi was coordinated in conjunction with nu- merous outside organizations, including Magen David Adom, the police, the IDF and the Health Ministry. When Purim brought tidings of the first corona cases in Israel, she was already deep into establish- ing the hospital’s Corona (“Keter” in Hebrew) Department. Separate tents were An enclosed stretcher for corona patients set up at the hospital’s entrance—one for confi med cases, another for suspected cases, and another for “regular” hospital patients. “We learned that under such “The most urgent task was to get the physical space ready. We took over the extreme circumstances, we had rooms of the Department of Hematology, which wasn’t being used as much. Thenthe to give people more time IDF helped us with the engineering, re- modeling and wiring. We also installed between shifts to rest up.” surveillance mechanisms with technologi- cally advanced cameras and microphones in each room so we could see and hear from subunits of the Corona Department, and it’s necessary for other staff members to be the control room what was going on with the management of patients needing ven- able to act as support for them. the patients. We were aided in this by the tilators. Interestingly, for many of the IDF sol- Rafael defense company and some of the At Laniado, hospital personnel practice diers working temporarily in Laniado top army computer experts. Even the en- using ventilators several days a year, a Hospital, this was their first close encoun- gineers who had developed the Merkava measure that was instituted well before ter with chareidim. For Yom Hazikaron and tank’s electronic systems pitched in to help.” corona hit. The large conference room is Yom Haatzmaut, the hospital arranged a Lydia was like a commander overseeing outfitted with tables, dummies and equip- special ceremony thanking them for their several fronts at once: human resources, ment, and physicians and nurses from all help. Each soldier was presented with a physical infrastructure, the ambulances that the different departments familiarize them- bouquet of fl wers, and dessert cups were were starting to bring in patients, classifi a- selves with the routines. Even though arranged to spell out “Todah,” thanks. tion and assigning of patients to the various specialists usually perform these procedures, Speaking of gratitude, Lydia is adamant

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QUALITY —————— WITH —————— PERSONALITY

A physician in PPE in front of a video panel monitoring the patients’ rooms

about expressing her appreciation for all of the hospital departments in the fight against corona. Theircooperation was crucial, and she has been unstinting in her praise in several articles she has written about the experience. I ask Lydia what she has learned so far from the crisis and whether there were mistakes. “Of course—lots of them,” she replies. “For example, we inadvertently overworked the staff. We learned that under such extreme circumstances, we had to give people more time between shifts to rest up and regain their strength. The mental, emo- by Pine Park Kitchens tional and physical wear-and-tear on the front lines is enormous. We also had to convey to the maintenance staff and non- E R S I V E T professional support that they didn’t have to be afraid if they U A L I L took the proper precautions. We were committed to protecting C 100% E X R E Authentic S

them. We also learned to be calmer and have more confidenc .” O

She then explains the difference between the first and second Italian F waves of corona in Israel. Kitchens “In the first wave there was a predominance of patients over 60 years old. Now we’re dealing with people ages 20 to 60. Right now we have a 32-year-old man on a ventilator, something we didn’t have before. Another big difference is that during the firs wave, many of the hospital departments were closed, and aside from the Corona Department, we were operating at about 30 percent capacity because elective surgeries were canceled. Also, fewer people were on the roads during lockdown, so there were Pine Park Kitchens very few car accidents. Unfortunately, now that the lockdown Traditional is over, all of the hospital departments are back in full swing, in Transitional addition to the renewed intake of corona patients. 225 2nd Street Modern “But my biggest problem right now is that a huge percentage Lakewood, NJ 08701 KITCHENS of our staff is in quarantine. Th y aren’t actually sick, but they · BATHS · have to remain in isolation because a child’s camp counselor 732. 367.9107 WARDROBES came down with corona, or someone else they came in contact [email protected]

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with is sick. We are terribly short-staffed. We have enough beds but not enough doctors and nurses. On the positive side, everyone on our medical staff during the first wave was tested by the Health Min- istry, and not a single person was positive for corona. So we know that the PPE does work when used properly.” When I ask Lydia about the most difficult challenge during the crisis, she tells me that it was witnessing the unique pain of the victims. “With the patients in isolation and the medical staff all wearing PPE suits, the Prepared for another shift in the Corona Department patients can’t see any faces. Thisis in addition to being separated from their families. All of my training as a nurse, especially in intensive care units, had always emphasized “I pushed to install video the importance of human interaction. Tha ’s why I pushed to install video teleconferenc- teleconferencing screens by the ing screens by the patients’ bedsides so the families could see and talk to them. patients’ bedsides so the families “First we called the families at home and told them they were going to see could see and talk to them.” something they weren’t used to seeing. We prepared them over the phone, asking that young children or elderly people with high blood pressure not be present in the be virtually present at your loved one’s ful and at peace with herself, and there have room. We gave them a virtual tour of the departure.’ been many other moving stories. For us, Corona Department and the equipment “Not only were families very much in- although our work is terribly sad, it’s re- so they could get used to it, and only then volved in seeing their loved ones every day, warding because we know we have enabled showed them the face of the patient, who but some relatives were even allowed to a family to reunite, however briefl . might have been unconscious or on a don PPE and enter the Corona Depart- “If someone wants to say those parts of ventilator. The doctor or I would then ment. For example, there was a woman who the viduy that need a minyan, we can speak to the family and allow them to ask said, ‘The e is no way that my father is going arrange for one to stand outside. In fact, questions. to die alone.’ So we allowed her to suit up, the Klausenberger Rebbe, zt”l, located his “If a patient wasn’t doing well, we pre- and she spent three hours with her father, yeshivah right next to the hospital so that pared them for the worst-case scenario. We during which we helped her to say Shema the prayers and merit of their study would asked if they would like us to call them at for him. She left the room, and 20 minutes go for the refuah of the patients.” any hour of the day or night if we saw signs later he passed away. I explained to her Unlike the army generals who usually that the patient wasn’t going to get better. afterward that there are some people who decide on strategy from the safety of their If they said yes, we explained that we would don’t want to die in front of their children, command tents far from the front, Lydia say Shema Yisrael with the patient if the so they wait until the children leave the Lanxner is right on the battlefield con- family wished. Unfortunately, there are room. On the other hand, some patients tending with the enemy. You can find her many Israeli families who aren’t familiar actually wait for their family to be present. by the bedside of corona patients, masked with formal tefilla . ‘Would you like to be You never know which patient will ‘prefer’ and swathed in PPE, treating them profes- part of the ceremony and do it together one way or the other. sionally and entreating them to pull l over the video if it comes to that? You can “In any event, the woman was very grate- through.

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041_Living481_Partials.indd 1 8/14/20 3:14 PM Clean Real People on the Bill Quest for Health

Bruchy with the rash

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Liv481_Clean Bill .indd 42 8/13/20 7:55 PM RASH DECISION A CASUAL ENCOUNTER BRINGS A CURE FOR MY DAUGHTER’S ILLNESS AS TOLD TO MIRIAM WEISER

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Liv481_Clean Bill .indd 43 8/13/20 7:55 PM Clean Bill

y baby Bruchy was only a few weeks old when a small rash appeared on the skin of her neck. It appeared to be very itchy. I tried various creams to ease her obvious discomfort, but none of them really helped. She was much too young to be able to control her neck movements, and the area under her chin was Malways sweaty. I was given a cortisone cream, but used it only two or three times because I felt uncomfortable, having heard how unhealthy cortisone was. At one point, I took her to an allergist. Thetests he ran showed that she was allergic to milk, eggs and nuts. As I was nursing her exclusively I cut them out of my diet, but the only good thing that came out of that was that I lost a few pounds. While the rash sometimes got lighter, it never really went away. According to the doctor, it was a type of eczema that usually disappeared after the child was about a year old.

It seemed as if everyone I spoke to gave now had almost faded away. This pimple was another doctor on duty, who also said me different advice. Avoid milk, eggs, and didn’t look like a typical pimple, and it made it was nothing but added that I should nuts, so I did. I also changed the laundry me run to the pediatrician. He told me that come back if it got any worse. Two days detergent I was using to wash her clothes. it was probably nothing, and gave me a later it did look worse. I called the doctor When that didn’t help, I also tried different prescription for Bactroban, a topical anti- to ask if it was possible that the baby was soaps and cleansers in her bath. biotic ointment that stops the growth of allergic to the Bactroban. “Maybe,” she Therash always remained, even though bacteria for certain skin infections. Th replied, and suggested that I just stop using it got lighter at times. ointment didn’t help, and the pimple stayed it. When Bruchy was eight months old, I right where it was. Two days later I noticed By the following day, a Friday, the pimple noticed a little red pimple on her cheek, a bump under my baby’s skin, right near was an inch bigger and was advancing right next to her ear. Thiswas not the place the pimple. Thi made me nervous, so I towards the front of Bruchy’s face. It now where she usually had her rash, which by went back to the doctor. This time there looked like a rash, with a whole cluster of

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small white blisters. It was really frighten- SUCCESS ing. Thedoctor diagnosed her with a strep infection on the skin and prescribed a With over 10 years of experience, over course of antibiotics. By the time she arrived 1000 graduates, 500+ unique job posts, home a few hours later, the eruption had real client experience and a proven spread several more inches. The speed at track record of success, Design Alive is a major player in design education in the which it was growing was horrifying, but Jewish world. Experts and employers ask I was comforted by the fact that she had for Design Alive graduates. Find out why! already been put on antibiotics, so I figu ed it would just take some time to kick in. Unfortunately, over the next 24 hours, every time I looked at my baby I witnessed the growth of these blisters in real time. Therash was rapidly spreading and traveling downwards, all around her neck. Later in the day I lifted her little double chin, and what I saw almost took my breath away. The e were so many eruptions under her chin, and as I watched in horror, they would start out white or clear and then turn bright red. Thiswas beginning to look like something other than a rash one would simply have to wait out. Of course, it was off to the doctor again, although on Motzaei Shabbos only the local urgent care was open. After examining my baby’s skin, the doctor on duty said that he thought it looked like herpes, and told me to go to a dermatologist. “But don’t wait too long,” he advised us. “Try to go by Monday.” I looked at him like he was crazy. Thiswas clearly an emergency. The e was no way we could wait until Monday. I was getting

Later in the day I lifted her little double chin, and what I saw almost took my breath away. There were so many eruptions on her skin.

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hysterical. Every time I looked at my baby her skin was more difficult to l k at. On Sunday morning I went to my regular pediatrician, who fina ly diagnosed her with eczema herpeticum, a viral infection char- acterized by fever and clusters of itchy blisters or punched-out looking erosions. (In fact, Bruchy had had a fever the night before when we saw the urgent care physician.) As he explained, the condition is most often seen as a complication of eczema during a first episode of infection with the herpes simplex virus. He insisted that we take her to the hospital so she could get her new medication intravenously, because oral medication wouldn’t work fast enough. After settling our three boys with relatives, my husband and I went to sit in the emergency room for several hours until they confi med the diagnosis and fina ly started caring for our daughter. Little Bruchy was on IV for two days. One of the miracles we experienced was that the disfigu ing outbreak never spread to the front of her face. She was just as adorable and beautiful as ever. Thesecond miracle

was that somehow this new outbreak didn’t Bruchy after cause her to scratch herself. Even the being healed doctor was flumm xed. For some reason, she didn’t seem to be itchy. After a few hours on the IV we noticed that the rash had stopped spreading, and by the next day the pimples were drying out and the I wasn’t the kind of person who scabs were falling off. When we took her home two days later the rash was still quite believed in bizarre remedies, but visible, and it took another two weeks until it cleared up completely. in a case like this, I figured I had to For two months Bruchy was fine—unti one day a familiar little blemish popped up do whatever I could. on her skin. I dropped whatever I was doing and ran to the doctor once again. Appar- ently, the eczema herpeticum had come back, a possibility they had warned me istered every six or eight hours. “If it gets and she repeatedly gagged on it, but for about in the hospital. “It doesn’t mean that worse, go to the emergency room imme- three days the blemish stayed the same it will,” the doctors had cautioned, “but diately,” I was told by the pharmacist. Thi and didn’t spread. “You’ll thank me later,” keep an eye out for it.” was on a Monday. Administering the I cried right along with her as she struggled We got another prescription for an oral medication was a huge ordeal, as I had to with each swallow. antivirus medication that had to be admin- wake Bruchy up in the middle of the night What was also going through my mind

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Liv481_Clean Bill .indd 46 8/13/20 7:56 PM fashion forward

at those times was that if she only knew that the alternative was being hospitalized with a needle in her arm, maybe she’d even thank me! Unfortunately, on Thursd y night, while Bruchy was still on the antiviral medication, the rash started spreading again. When I noticed it, I was already on my way to Monsey for a family simchah. I started getting very nervous at the wedding, but an inner voice told me to relax. We had already been through so much dealing with this condition that a part of me just wanted due to ignore it and wait for it to go away. In hindsight, of course, everything is coordinated by Hashem, and it was meant for me to be exactly where I was. Many people are familiar with the “goat milk remedy,” as detailed in a previous “Clean Bill” in AmiLiving. Well, there I was, not far from the woman with the goats. Thenext day, Friday, I went to her with my baby, and she sprayed the goat’s milk on every part of the rash and pimples. Yes, it felt weird. I’m not the kind of person who believed in bizarre remedies, but in a case Fall like this, I figu ed I had to do whatever I could. As per her instructions, we returned right after Shabbos for another dose of goat’s milk. We were attending sheva brachos that night when the discus- sion turned to my baby’s skin condition. When my sister-in-law recommended that I talk to a woman who “knew everything Hey Lakewood: about alternative medicine,” my first reaction was to roll my For the past two decades we’ve eyes. But what wouldn’t a mother do for her child? When I went been serving future generations to see her, she explained that the goat’s milk was only beneficia with a commitment of fashion to the exact spot where it was applied. Since herpes was very forward maternity wear. contagious, everything my baby touched could transmit it and the infection could potentially spread exponentially. In fact, a A new shopping experience few days later my husband developed something near his eye for every mom to be. that was very red and painful. It didn’t take long to realize the truth: that he had caught something from our daughter. “Put a quarter of a cup of apple cider vinegar into your baby’s bath,” the woman instructed me. “This will kill the germs all over her body, not just the spot where you see the rash.” After the bath, I was told to apply Nystatin powder to dry out the pimples, and then apply a special cream sold in health stores under the MR Health brand to heal it. Within a few days, Bruchy’s skin was healed. My husband dabbed a bit of apple cider vinegar under his eye with a paper Brooklyn 718-438-7204 | 4601 16th Ave Brooklyn, NY towel, and the next day the intense pain was almost gone. Monroe 845-783-1675 | 52 Bakertown Rd. Monroe, NY For several weeks, everything was fin . Bruchy’s rash was Monsey 845-352-1738 | 3 Morris RD Spring Valley, NY minimal and getting better. Thenone day I noticed a few small Lakewood Coming soon | 6730 Route 9 South Howell NJ 07731 pimples developing so I put apple cider vinegar in her bath, and as they say, the rest is history. Today, at 15 months of age, Bruchy’s skin is clear and beauti- NEW ARRIVALS DAILY l ful, just as the doctor predicted in the beginning.

Liv481_Clean Bill .indd 47 8/13/20 7:56 PM Medical Minute Latest Heal th News And Re search F r o m A r o u n d T h e W o r l d

OSTEOARTHRITIS AFFECTS OVER REVERSING 32.5 MILLION OSTEOARTHRITIS? AMERICAN ADULTS. new technique may one (ATP) was injected into the joints of day be able to regrow rodents with joint cartilage damage WOMEN OVER 50 cartilage in joints of of the sort caused by arthritis. ATP AND PEOPLE WHO ARE OVERWEIGHT people suffering from is a chemical at the heart of human HAVE A HIGHER osteoarthritis. Presently, metabolism, but it also helps grow RISK FOR OA, AND allA treatments for the condition only human tissue. In the rodents, the THERE IS ALSO alleviate pain or lubricate joints, but treatments caused a regrowth of A HEREDITARY don’t reverse the damage caused to between 35 and 50 percent of COMPONENT. joints by the arthritis. cartilage. Further testing will be In a study led by researchers necessary, but this is a positive sign at NYU Grossman School of that there is a way to reverse the Medicine, adenosine triphosphate condition.

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Liv480_medMin.indd 48 8/13/20 7:17 PM ON THE NEWS FROM THE FIGHT AGAINST THE PANDEMIC Implant, Cosmetic & General FRONTLINE Dentistry of Rockland OF COVID-19

been administered to Over 26 years of implant one of his daughters. The experience you can trust. Russian Health Ministry said that it believes the vaccine will provide protection for two years. Israeli Health Minister Yuli Edelstein said that he would discuss the vaccine with his Russian counterparts.

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Liv480_medMin.indd 49 8/13/20 7:18 PM SingleMinded

CHAPTER 13 A True-LifeBY CHANI GANTZ Journal A Short Story

hen Tzvi #1 was redt to Dovid. So, yeah. I think it’s a great shidduch soon turned into four. me, I was skeptical. My for you.” Between each date I would talk to my boss had decided that it I figu ed that if both my boss and Dovid mother, and everything kept coming back was a great idea: Tzvi and thought it was a good idea, it was worth a to the same thing: his height. W his son were best friends shot. “I really like him. I do! But I find myself from yeshivah, and he said that our When Tzvi walked in I was pleasantly dreading standing next to him, because with personalities were similar. When I looked surprised. Yes, he was short, but it seemed heels I’m taller than he is. And it’s not even at his résumé, one of the first things listed okay. I was determined to not let such a about him; it’s about how it makes me feel!” at the top was his height. silly thing bother me. I would go on to describe everything I liked Now, there is absolutely nothing wrong My mother, taking an immediate liking about him and how our dates were great, with being short. However, I like to wear to him, did not stop talking. but at the end of the day he was short, and heels, so I wasn’t sure if this was for me. “...And in the Waldorf, the fountains were I wasn’t sure how to get over it because I “Just look into it,” my boss suggested. “It so loud that I couldn’t figu e out how couples liked him. I wasn’t ready to be perceived as can’t hurt. If he’s not for you, fin , but I think on dates could hear each other! Plus, they shallow for giving up a good shidduch for he comes from a similar type of family and were sitting so far away from each other that something so trivial. he’s a great boy.” they had to lean all the way forward!” she My mother gave me the best advice I’ve I sent the résumé to my mother. As it exclaimed as I inched towards the door. ever gotten, which I’ve carried forward ever happened, my mother was in Israel at the “Ma, I think we’re gonna go now,” I said since and even passed on to some of the girls time for a hakamas matzeivah (my cousin as she started to follow us outside. whose shidduchim I made. had recently been niftar, and most of the We escaped to the car, and Tzvi turned to “Chan, listen,” she told me. “One of two family had gone). She called me at 4 a.m.— me and said, “I’m sure you’ve been to Ocean things is going to happen. Either this issue 11 a.m. her time—and when I answered the Place plenty of times, so how about we do is going to become all-encompassing and phone groggily, she immediately launched something different and go to Ocean Place?” you won’t be able to see anything but his into a stream of words that was almost in- I thought it was a great opening line. height, or you’ll like everything else about comprehensible. After a great first date, we were driving home him so much that his height will become a “Chana, I’m telling you, this is the boy for when his mother called. “Hey, sorry. Do you background issue. Tha ’s not to say it won’t you! I was talking to Dovid, who knows him mind if I answer it?” he asked me. “Her rule bother you; every time you’ll put on a pair from yeshivah, and he said he’s one of his is that we all have to check in with her every of heels it might annoy you that he isn’t favorite people in the world! He sounds night at 10 o’clock.” taller. But everything else you like about him perfect! I know you won’t believe me because I reassured him that it was fin , slightly will eclipse that.” I get excited about every shidduch,” she con- curious to hear what he would say. My mother, being the brilliant woman tinued, “but I think you should speak to “Hi, Tzvi. How was the date?” his mother that she is, was right. On our next date, I Dovid yourself and hear what he has to say.” trilled through the car speakers. “It was amaz- found myself weighing my options and Dovid, my cousin who was learning in ing, Ma,” he replied and I grinned to myself, decided that it wasn’t something I could ever Israel, had plenty to say when my mother unused to direct and immediate feedback. get over. My shadchan had mentioned that passed him the phone. “Um, yeah. It’s We both said yes to another date, which if this date went well, he wanted me to meet

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Liv481_SingleMinded.indd 50 8/13/20 10:16 PM NEW! EXPLORE THE Single EXCITING FIELD OF Minded SPEECH “Either this THERAPY issue is going to become all- encompassing, or you’ll like everything else his parents! I couldn’t do it, but more than that, I didn’t want to do it. Except that whenever I thought about so much that telling the shadchan that although I liked everything else about him I couldn’t get over it’ll become a his height, I felt embarrassed. How could I EXPERIENCEAN be so superficial? Some of my friends had background married short boys, and they seemed fine Inspırıng It didn’t bother them at all. issue.” Luckily, Tzvi brought up an important ear point on our next date. He said that he would ATTHENEWSEMINARY want to bring up his children with exposure ously saw right through that. His height was to the outside world in moderation, as op- something I couldn’t get over, but I couldn’t WHILECOMPLETING posed to completely sheltering them and let myself admit it, because I didn’t think PREREQUISITESFORA risking having them rebel later in life. And people would find that acceptable. I worried while I agreed with him (secretly), I jumped that people would stop redting me shid- MASTERSIN on it as an excuse, remembering Meir #2’s duchim. Communication reaction to my “frumkeit.” I continued to date short boys, thinking &Speech I spent the next hour and a half arguing that maybe the problem was really Tzvi and Disorders heatedly with him about his hashkafos, while not short guys in general, but it wasn’t. the couple at the next table listened in and Height was something that was important SpeechLanguagePathology (SLP) snickered quietly at our naiveté. to me, for better or for worse. I didn’t even WITHADELPHIUNIVERSITY When he pulled the car up to my house need a tall guy, just someone who was taller at the end of the evening, he turned to me than me. with a grin. “I still think I’m right, but we So now, when people redt me to short THENEWSEMINARY. can try it your way and see how it goes,” he boys and I say no, I explain myself. DO ITQUICK. DO IT RIGHT. said. Flustered, and knowing that I was go- “I know that if I ‘just go out with him’ I’ll

ing to end this, I responded, “Yeah, you can like him, but that’s the problem. I don’t want ANEXCLUSIVEPROGRAMOF give me a call in ten years and let me know to like him, because his height will still be THENew

how it went!” too big of a deterrent. I don’t want to date [email protected] Seminary I hopped out of the car and went into the someone I know I’m not going to end up asjvrbhnx Rebbetzin Rabbi house. When my mother asked me how it with.” Sora F. Bulka Yeshaya Levy had gone, I shrugged and said, “I don’t think Sometimes they think I’m silly. Sometimes MENAHELES MENAHEL we’re on the same page. He’s just not frum they think I’m shallow. Sometimes, they l enough for me.” understand. NY 718.769.8160 My mother, still being brilliant, obvi- To be continued... NJ 732.366.3500 [email protected] WWW.THENEWSEMINARY.ORG

Liv481_SingleMinded.indd 51 8/14/20 11:08 AM CHAPTER 44

Recap: Chava insists on a face-to-face meeting with Shalom in her search for closure, but he tells her to leave him and start a new life. She calls Mrs. Landau for advice just before Noam tells Chava that Shalom has received bad news.

BY CHAYA GROSS

f course there was bad news. “Chava, please go home,” Shalom said get your house arrest lifted?” The e was never good news without looking at her. “Just leave. I’m “It’s not lifted,” Shalom replied. “I still in her life. going to prison anyway, so you might as can’t go outside. Shifra’s neighbor went “What happened now?” well move on with your life and forget away for a month, and Noam said it Chava asked Noam. But about me.” was okay if I stayed here. Shifra needs Oinstead of waiting for a reply, she walked “I didn’t come here for that,” Chava to check up on me all the time, but it’s right past him and went into the build- replied. She sat down across from him. “I better than nothing. I guess I should ing. She ran up the flour flights of stair came here for closure. For answers. But I enjoy it while it lasts, because pretty soon and was about to knock when she guess now isn’t the right time. What hap- I’ll be behind bars.’ noticed that Shalom’s door was slightly pened?” “Do you have more information to give ajar. She gave it a light tap and pushed it Shalom shrugged. “They got all the them?” Chava asked. open. information they needed from the bachur Shalom pursed his lips and looked “Shalom,” she called out as she walked they arrested. Unless I divulge additional away. inside. There was no reply. She continued information that is useful to them, there “That’s why our marriage couldn’t a little further and found Shalom sitting is no plea bargain.” survive!” Chava exclaimed in response. at a table. There was a sefer open in front “I thought that things were getting “There is zero communication between of him, but he was staring off into space. better,” Chava said. “How did you even us. You haven’t been forthcoming since

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“I’m under a tremendous amount of FALL/WINTER pressure right now,” Shalom said. “I Arriving don’t really need any more. Let’s let Daily whatever happened in the past stay in the past...”

this whole thing began.” “I made you look bad?” Shalom asked “You never believed me,” Shalom incredulously. “I treated you with kid replied. “You had zero trust in me.” gloves, while all you did was cry and “We were newly married and you were sleep.” caught carrying drugs,” Chava shot back. “Oh, really?” Chava scoffed. “How “Any sane person would have doubts. utterly selfish for me to do that—expec - But you never explained yourself.” ing while in a foreign country with a “I told you I was innocent,” Shalom husband who was arrested for drug smug- defended himself. gling and a sister-in-law who hates me.” “Actions speak louder than words,” “She doesn’t hate you. You just Chava said. “You clammed up, so I was behaved in a way that made her hate you afraid to ask questions. Besides, you being there.” never even told me that you had taken “Are you seriously saying that you the package. To me, that’s something a think Shifra was right?” Chava asked. husband should share with a wife.” “No, I’m just saying that she doesn’t “There’s sharing and then there’s over- hate you,” Shalom replied. sharing,” Shalom replied. “A husband “That’s the same thing,” Chava shook and wife don’t have to share every single her head. “Wow, so you really think this thing they do.” is all my fault!” “That’s ridiculous,” Chava said. “You “I’m under a tremendous amount of 1877-799-LULU (5858) took a package from someone. The pressure right now,” Shalom said. “I don’t WWW.LULUKIDSCLOTHING.COM person even paid you to take it, and you really need any more. Let’s let whatever didn’t mention anything. That’s a pretty happened in the past stay in the past. It’s LULUKIDSCLOTHING big thing not to share. What was I sup- time to end this conversation.” WILLIAMSBURG: posed to think when I was suddenly “You always do that!” Chava snapped. 520 PARK AVE shown a package full of pills?” “I could never have an open, honest con- BORO PARK “If you had any faith in me you would versation without you shutting it down. 4313 14TH AVE have known that I was innocent,” Shalom You always did that, even right after we LAKEWOOD said. got married. You were the one who said 32 CROSS ST “For heaven’s sake!” Chava exploded, you wanted to be more open, but you MONSEY “we had just gotten married. I had ques- never actually do it. How can we clear TOWN SQUARE MALL tions, but you twisted everything around the air if we never talk?” to make me look bad for even having “What exactly do you want me to say?” MONROE 3 BUCHANAN CT. doubts.” Shalom snapped back. MONTREAL 5415 CASGRAIN

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“I want you to talk,” Chava said. rible thing for a person to have to do.” Shalom said, shaking his head. “You only “No, you don’t,” Shalom said. “You “I made you choose? They made you came here to lay all the blame on me.” want me to apologize. So here it is: I’m choose,” Shalom said. “They stopped the “That’s not true!” Chava shouted. “I feel sorry for the pain I caused you.” credit card because you stayed with me.” so misunderstood when I talk to you.” “That’s not what I want,” Chava said. “Yes,” Chava admitted, “but your She banged the door shut and allowed “Then what?” Shalom asked, raising his actions demonstrated that you didn’t herself to cry as she walked down the voice. “I’m facing time in prison. I don’t want them in our lives.” stairs and out of the building. need you flying a ound the world to tell “You were always more loyal to your She was finished. She’d said whatever me exactly where I went wrong.” parents than to me, and that would have she had to say. She took out her phone “Well, maybe if you’d used the lawyer been a huge factor in our marriage even and saw that both her mother and father my father wanted you to, you wouldn’t if this hadn’t happened,” Shalom replied. had tried calling her several times. She be in this mess. You rejected a top lawyer “I am not saying that I didn’t make called her mother back. because of your stupid pride.” mistakes. But it’s not true that I always “Finally!” her mother said, sounding “Look, I want to be alone,” Shalom chose them over you. I stayed with you hysterical. “What’s going on?” said. “Please leave.” despite their opposition. That was a “What happened?” Chava asked. “No!” Chava replied. “You always do brutal decision. I stayed because you “You tell me. Are you okay? Where are that. I used to do that too, but I am done are my husband and I wanted to stay. you? What are you doing?” living like that. As hard as this talk is to I’m sorry if I didn’t fly back right after “Mommy, what’s going on?” Chava have, we need to have it. Why did you the miscarriage, but I couldn’t. I’ve been asked. “You know where I am.” reject the lawyer my father was willing to through so much emotional upheaval “I got a phone call from Mrs. Landau,” pay for?” over the past few weeks that it’s a miracle her mother replied. “She said she was “You want to know why? Because your I’m as functional as I am.” concerned about your well-being.” father just wanted to be able to control “So have I,” Shalom said. Chava felt like she had just been the situation and know exactly what was “I know,” Chava said, “and I wish we stabbed in the back. “How dare she!” she going on.” could say that we went through so much. yelled. “What exactly did she tell you?” “So you were the one without any We could have gone through this as a “We were so worried!” Her mother’s trust!” Chava said. “How did you know couple, but instead we were both envel- voice shook. “And then when you didn’t that he didn’t just want to help? You oped in our own pain and struggled pick up your phone we couldn’t imagine never trusted my parents. I know you alone.” what happened.” said it was because your parents were “You’re only saying that now, after I “What did she tell you?” Chava asked controlled by your uncle, but that wasn’t asked you for a divorce,” Shalom pointed again. my parents’ fault. You painted them as out. “I never heard you say this to me “She said that she felt it was her villains, when they are really loving par- once.” moral obligation to call us,” her mother ents who want only the best for their “I’ve had a lot of time to think,” Chava replied.“She did the right thing. Tatty is children.” replied. “I know we both made mistakes, at the airport right now trying to get on a “For you.” but I wish you’d take accountability for flight to Israel to bring you home. ● “For you as well. People with money your actions.” scare you, and unless you get over that “This conversation is going around in To be continued... you will never be able to trust anyone circles,” Shalom said. with a few dollars.” “You’re right,” Chava said, blinking “Your parents rejected me,” Shalom back tears. She stood up. “Okay, I’m leav- Adv. A. Amos Fried is the legal consultant for this serial. He is a licensed member of both the Israel said. ing. We aren’t getting anywhere.” and New York State Bar Associations and has been “Only after you rejected them. You She took a few steps and then turned practicing law in Jerusalem for over 26 years. He never even called to thank my father for around. “I just think it’s very unfair that specializes in civil litigation, criminal representation offering you a top lawyer. You shut them everyone assumes I’m the bad one and and commercial law. His private law fi m is located out of your life. You made me choose that my parents are bad people.” at 5 Ramban St. in Rehavia, Jerusalem, and he can be reached at (1-972) 544-931359, or aafried@ between you and them, and that’s a hor- “So that’s what this is all about!” aafriedlaw.com.

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055_Living481_Partials.indd 1 8/14/20 3:17 PM The Ice Cream Cake There are some things you just can’t get rid of By Raizy Friedman

his year, when Pesach was over, on Erev Shabbos, and added “pareve ice with lunches, amazing frozen foods like it took me longer than usual to cream cake for birthday” to the list. potato knishes, lasagna, frozen falafel return my house to its former When I unpacked the box, I stashed balls and pita. The only challenge was T chametzdike state. The kids didn’t the dome-shaped roll in my freezer. Th that it was hard to eat everything before go back to school, and the breakfasts and red, yellow and green layers looked pretty, the next package arrived. We would still lunches were keeping me busier than usual. waiting to be sliced and served. have several frozen pizza slices to finish by So when my daughter happened to men- That Shabbos, instead of our usual the time the next carton was available for tion that it was almost Rosh Chodesh Iyar, compote dessert, we sang the requisite pickup. I had grown up with the children- it didn’t mean anything special to me. An- “Happy Birthday to Yidy” (the traditional starving-in-Africa admonition hanging other day, another month; everything felt one that includes “you belong in the zoo”) over me as I was repeatedly encouraged— the same. and served the ice cream cake to one and read that forced—to finish everything on “Tha ’s Yidy’s birthday!” my six-year-old all. Except that most of the celebrants ate my plate, and I couldn’t imagine throwing remarked excitedly. Indeed, my baby would only a spoon or two and left the rest of the out anything edible. be turning two on that date, and it was confection melting on their plates. No matter. We froze the extra milks. funny that my six-year-old was the only It turned out that the yellow layer wasn’t When all this was over, we would surely one who’d remembered. pineapple, it was mango; and the green appreciate the excess in the freezer. Over “We’ll have ice cream on Shabbos,” he wasn’t kiwi, it was green apple. Most of the the next days and weeks my over-the- continued, “and give him presents!” members of our family weren’t fond of one fridge freezer continued to fi l up, until I He was obviously expecting us to or both of these fla ors. realized that Shavuos was fast approaching. duplicate his own birthday party only a Oh, well. I had half a roll of ice cream It was time to whip up some cheesecakes. few months before. I patiently explained to cake left in my freezer, with nobody really I bought all the ingredients (including him that the two-year-old wasn’t expecting interested in eating it. But it was a shame milchig chocolate bars—yum!) and was that; he didn’t really know what a birthday to throw it away. It was decent; all I had to ready to roll. My only concern now was meant. Nevertheless, we would get a pareve do was find someone whose family liked it. having enough space in the freezer for all ice cream cake and make a little celebration. Meanwhile, my children’s school was the goodies I’d be churning out. I sent my 12-year-old to the grocery store providing us with yummy boxes fi led One afternoon, while organizing my

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Liv481_OurDays.indd 56 8/13/20 7:09 PM new arrivals!

Since her almost-two-year-old little boy wasn’t enrolled in any school yet, she wasn’t getting free boxes of food. I would share my bounty with her, and at the same time, make room in my freezer for the milchig confections I wanted to make. She would come by on Sunday, she said. Motzaei Shabbos found me going through my freezer, making bags of “things baby+child to share” and “things to keep.” It felt liberating, putting breaded flounde , frozen matzoh balls and gnocchi, foods my kids wouldn’t touch, into the shopping bag to give away. The starving African children freezer to make space for the garlic knots would be proud of me. and pretzels that my preteens called Then I spotted the offending ice cream now carrying breakfast, I noticed a colorful half of an cake again. Maybe I could get rid of that, ice cream cake peeking out from the back. too, once and for all! sizes NB-18Y I decided to serve it that evening after On Motzaei Shabbos my children are dinner; maybe we’d fina ly polish it off. usually “starving,” so I promised them a children’s designer Most of the children ate the red layer, two treat if they polished off the last few slices. swapped the green layer for yellow ones, Th y half-heartedly stabbed at it with collections and another two left theirs untouched. I their spoons, and after several weeks, the slid the remaining slices neatly back into dreaded occupant of my freezer was gone. I We specialize in the plastic box. As I wiped up the sticky felt triumphant. mess, I wondered who in the world would When Rina arrived the next morning, I Baby Layette want a leftover, partially melted ice cream wasn’t sure who was happier when I handed cake that tasted like the freezer. My upstairs her the bag of freebies. In exchange, she and downstairs neighbors politely declined. excitedly handed me one of her own, with For now, I just put it back on an already the local ice cream store’s logo emblazoned crowded shelf. on it. Then Rina called. Rina, who lives in “I know how hard you work to make Monsey, is a relatively new friend. She isn’t milchigs for Shavuos, so I decided to treat a school or a camp friend; we’d met over a you to a surprise pareve dessert that you can shared work project and immediately hit it serve after the fleishig seudo .” off. In fact, I consider her one of my closest Thered, yellow and green ice cream cake friends in the world. is now resting in its usual comfortable spot Rina was coming to Brooklyn to take in my freezer. I’m not trying to give it away sizes 0-18 years ﬂamingobabyny care of some errands, and she wanted to anymore, for fear that another one will 5920 20th Ave. 718.484.7848 ● pop in for a visit. I couldn’t be happier. show up as soon as I do. NEW! ﬂamingobabyandchild.com

Liv481_OurDays.indd 57 8/13/20 7:09 PM SUMMER FICTION CONTEST WINNERS Selection #7

I like how you came up with a very cute and innovative solution to the world of dating—a device many singles might wish would make its way to the market…or would they? Loved the twist at the end. The topic is, of course, highly relevant, which piques the reader’s curiosity from the get-go. You raise an important point about dating authentically, and you do it with lightness and humor. I think you did a great job here! A Love, Riva LISTENING Ami Columnist Riva Pomerantz Founder and moderator of Masterpiece: Unite & Write, EAR an online community for frum women who write: REPEAT AFTER ME: “WHAT WILL I DO www.rivapomerantz.com/ TO FIND A SHIDDUCH?” masterpiece. By Yaffa Hershkowitz

can tell if a date is going well. I can also tell when a date is not going He’s leaning in instead of well, and it used to be that there was leaning away. He’s thinking, absolutely nothing I could do about it. pausing to reason the words But those days are now behind me. Thi through, as if he wants to make date was going very, very well. sureI he’s saying exactly the right thing. The e was a look of concentration on

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Liv481_Fiction.indd 58 8/13/20 7:07 PM his face when he put down his empty Diet line. “Hello, A.L.E. How can we help?” Sprite with lemon and asked me, “What “Hi,” I said. “Um. Your message. It’s events in your life would you say have very—” most shaped you into the person you are “Yes, I’m sorry. It was never meant to today?” play; we’ve had a bug in our system, but I knew the answer to that question. I we’re fixing it ” had been made humble by many shidduch “I mean, I am single, obviously, but it’s dates. More accurately, I had been hu- not like I’m not busy. I have plenty—” miliated by the sheer number of people “I’m sure you do.” who had said “no” to me, the shadchanim I cleared my throat. “Anyway. I want to who had, however gently, pointed out that sign up. Please. I’m just so—” I was just one of a thousand similar “We will need a time and location,” the résumés in a pile. voice cut in smoothly. “And we will need I paused for a second, waiting for the to make an appointment to have your answer to come to me. And by that I earpiece fitted and tested ” meant via the tiny, flesh-colo ed transmit- “Oh,” I said. “Um, okay, and that’s…it?” ter in my ear. “Well, yes. It’s not that complicated. “Having friends who have been through Oh, and we do need your credit card, of hard situations.” I repeated the words line course.” for line. “Just being there for then, provid- The call was over in 30 seconds, and ing a listening ear when they need to vent when I hung up, I scribbled the informa- and giving to them in more concrete ways tion for my fitting appointment on my when they need it. It’s definite y taught calendar. I had notes in front of me. I had me to be a more sensitive person and a written notes, hoping to sound eloquent more caring one.” when I explained to them why I had re- He blinked a few times. Was he getting sisted their services for so long and why misty-eyed? And then, after another brief I had decided to take them up on it now. pause, he said, “Tha ’s…amazing. Th y’re But no one had asked. If not for the lucky to have you as a friend.” scribbled time and date on my calendar, “Thankyou,” I said, and he stammered it was almost as though I hadn’t made the for a second before saying, “You’re phone call at all. welcome,” but I wasn’t talking to him. Except that the very next day, there I I was talking to the voice in my ear, and was, in a small, stark white room in the I can’t believe I waited so long before office of A Listening Ear, having a tiny, getting one. flesh-colored device inserted into, well, my ear. “Is it comfortable?” Thewoman attach- I had had the card in my wallet for fi e ing it leaned back and examined her years before I fina ly called the number. handiwork critically. I guess that means two things—one, I am “Yes.” I nodded too many times and not what one would call spontaneous, and much too fast. “It’s just that—how do I—” two, it’s probably time for a new wallet. My fin ers scrambled vaguely in the “Your call is important to us,” recited general direction of my ears. the soothing, if slightly nasal, prere- “You don’t have to worry about a thing. corded voice that picked up. “All our Tha ’s our job. Just make sure you tell us operators are currently busy serving other the right time and place and that your ear clients, baruch Hashem, so please hold. I piece is in your ear, nestled tightly, the mean, it’s not like you have anything else way I showed you. And that’s it! You leave to do. You’re still single, right?” the rest to the professionals.” She smiled, The e was a brief scrambling sound, and showing a dazzling display of white teeth then a real-life human voice came on the that other desperate singles like me had

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probably paid for. No doubt they had paid it into my hand and closed my fin ers “Fifteen minutes before your date starts, enough for her to have multiple sets of tightly around it. “Call them,” she had there will be a gray van parked outside of dazzling white teeth if she wanted. “A whispered. “You won’t regret it. And pretty the dating area. I or another Listening Listening Ear will handle everything else.” soon we’ll all be at your l’chaim!” Ear will be in the back of the truck, op- “But—” I had just not been able to bring myself erating a system much like this one.” She “I know how to set your mind at ease.” to do it until now. Until I hit a birthday pointed to the machine on her desk. “We She nodded once, sharply. “A practice run. that made me look at myself in the mirror will hear everything that’s going on, feed Nechama!” She hollered and I jumped, and think, What is my pride worth now? you the perfect answers and the perfect but Nechama turned out not to be a vague “Should we try that again?” Thewoman questions to fi l any awkward pause. Th threat but a person, a middle-aged woman adjusted her mike and smiled at me. I only question that’s left is this.” She in a long, dark sheitel and bright orange smiled back somewhat shakily and smiled her dazzling smile at me. “Are you lipstick who walked heavily into the small nodded. Thena sudden screeching sound, ready to get married?” white room and slumped down in the like metal on metal, made me clap my carved wooden chair opposite mine. She hands over my ears. yawned, cracked her knuckles, and then “Sorry about that,” said the woman, “It’s a balance, you know,” I found said to me, “Why did you choose occu- wincing. “Our equipment has been acting myself saying now to my date, repeating pational therapy as an occupation?” up. We thought it was a bug, but I think the words I was hearing in my ear. He “Huh?” I said. “Because literally every it’s the weather. All that unseasonable had just asked me what kind of parent I single one of my friends—aah! The e’s a rain. But we’ll get all the kinks out before saw myself being. “Because on the one voice in my ear!” Because there was a voice your big day. Nechama! Go for it!” hand, you want kids to express themselves. in my ear. Nechama asked, “What are you hobbies To fin er-paint, make their own messes, Nechama sighed and picked at her nail. and interests?” pick their own clothes, discover their own “You’re not supposed to say, ‘The e’s a “Um,” I said, then paused, waiting for likes and dislikes. But then, on the other voice in my ear,’ because then the date an answer to come to me through my hand, they need rules and boundaries. I knows that there’s a voice in your ear.” earpiece. I didn’t have to wait long. guess it’s like everything else in life—a “I know, I was just—” “Well, I work out every day,” said the balance.” “And you’re not supposed to give your voice in my ear. “I make time for it even He nodded. “Exactly,” he said. “Do you own answer. You’re supposed to wait for though I’m so busy because it’s a priority want another drink?” ours.” for me to be healthy. I also bake and cook My heart swelled. Another drink meant “The e’s nothing to feel bad about, you and deliver to patients in the hospitals he wanted to sit and continue talking. know.” Thewoman who had put the device through Bikur Cholim.” Another drink meant that this was going into my ear looked up from a complicat- “Well, I work out every day,” I said out very, very well. I’d never had a date that ed-looking piece of machinery with loud. “I make time for it even though I’m went very, very well. buttons and dials and wires and a micro- so busy because it’s a priority for me to I waited to hear what the voice in my phone in the middle and smiled warmly be healthy. I also bake and cook and ear said about the drink, though, because at me. “Not all of us know the right deliver to patients in the hospitals through maybe saying yes would seem overeager. answers to the questions we are asked on Bikur Cholim. Sometimes I even sneak Or maybe… Who knows, I thought. I don’t shidduch dates. And not all of us know the a cookie myself—I’m so bad!” know, that’s for sure, but “they” do. right questions to ask on shidduch dates. “Very good!” The woman at the desk “Yes, thank you!” said the voice in my Many of us are terrible at small talk, which clapped her hands. “But not perfect. You ear, and I repeated it. is the glue that holds together the typical made your own little cutesy addition. Keep “Yes, thank you!” shidduch date. Of course, none of this is a in mind that you should repeat what your He got up, walked a few steps, then reflecti n on your ability to be a wife and Listening Ear representative says to you came back and retrieved the glasses. He mother, so why should it affect your as best you can to maximize your chances smiled, then walked out of sight. chance to find our true zivug?” of success. After all, there’s a reason you’ve “Wow,” I said softly. “Thank ou!” I nodded. Thiswas, after all, what had come to us, right? So please let us do our “Don’t talk to us,” said the voice in my ear, fina ly pushed me to call the number on job.” and I recognized Nechama’s impatient tone. the card. “Okay,” I said, standing up. “Okay. So “Seriously, this is the second time you’ve My cousin Rivky had handed it to me is that it? You have the info about where done that. You’ll look like you’re talking to fi e years ago at her vort. She had slipped and when my date is—” yourself, and then no one can help you.”

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Liv481_Fiction.indd 60 8/13/20 7:07 PM “Sorry, sorry.” “Ask her what other kinds of things “You did it again. Just stand up and make her laugh,” said the voice in my ear, www.threebows.com walk a few steps toward the window. Look but the voice had changed. It was deep out of it with a quietly dreamy look on now, masculine, and there was something your face.” wrong with the way the question had been “Okay,” I said. “Sorry, not okay. Just—” phrased. I opened my mouth, then closed “Just shh, and look out the window. it again, then looked quickly at my date Look peaceful but slightly mysterious.” to make sure he hadn’t noticed me making I had no idea what that meant, but I weird faces. looked out the window with a sort of look Only to see that he was making weird on my face that I hoped encapsulated all faces of his own. “That was strange,” he those sorts of things. It was raining softly said, shaking his head. now, and a damp mist lightly coated the “What was strange?” I asked, curious. window, but I saw it; halfway down the His cheeks suddenly turned pink. block there was a pearl-gray van shimmer- “Nothing,” he muttered. “Sorry, it was ing with rainwater. I resisted the urge to just—hey, I have a question for you! What wave at it, and a moment later I heard quiet kinds of things make you laugh?” footsteps coming toward me from the right. Nechama was back in my ear, informing “A penny for your thoughts,” he said, me about the things that make me laugh, coming to a stop. He was holding two full all of the socially accepted, shidduch-safe glasses of Coke, one in each hand. “You answers that would make someone laugh, look peaceful but slightly mysterious.” but I kept my mouth closed. “I do?” I said, pleased, but was imme- “Um...” The e was an edge of despera- diately shushed from the recesses of my tion in my date’s voice. “Okay, you don’t ear. like that question? I’ve got another one. “Don’t say that,” said Nechama. “Take Do you have any pet peeves? I’ll tell you the drink and say thank you, and then say, mine. It’s cigarettes. Those things are Oh, nothing in particular. I’m just watching gross. I would never smoke one.” the rain. I just love the rain. Th re’s some- I turned away from him and looked out thing so peaceful about watching it fall.” the window again, searching. I hesitated. Because actually, I didn’t Therain was coming down so hard now like the rain. I liked the sun, bright and I could barely see outside. Was it a rainy hot and yellow. Rain made me feel sort illusion or was there a second gray van of shriveled inside, cold and damp, even parked three cars behind the first ne? when I wasn’t out in it. It dulled all the I could still hear the voice in my ear colors and made my hair poof up. answering all of the questions posed to “Say it,” said the voice in my ear, and I me, using words I would never use, saying said it. things I would never say, guaranteeing me Because who cared how I really felt my happily-ever-after if I only followed about the rain? Where had my honesty the script. gotten me anyway? I turned around to face my date, and as Therain was coming down harder now, I did, I reached into my ear and pulled and my date said, “I love the rain, too, but out a small, flesh-colo ed piece of plastic. I like it even more when I get to watch it I held it out to him wordlessly. from inside, where it’s dry.” After a moment, his face a ghostly l “Laugh lightly,” I was directed, and I white, he did the same. did, but at the same time there was a harsh The winner of this contest will be cackle in my ear, and I barely stopped 561 Empire Boulevard myself from jumping. I shook my head picked by our readers. To rate this story go to www.amimagazine.org. Brooklyn NY 11225 slightly instead. My ears were ringing. 347-508-2697 @threebowskids

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by Dina Neuman The Toilet Train t’s going terribly, thanks for asking. look like a smile and not like gritted teeth if you look at it The first attempt was right before Pesach. To be from a certain angle. “It’s been…what’s the opposite of a toilet-trained was to become a big girl, which was a smashing success?” very exciting thing to be, a fact we constantly re- I have visions of keeping her home from gan indefinite y minded Gitty constantly. until she learns to use the toilet. Would she ever learn? Th y “Aren’t you so excited to be a big girl?” say everyone does, but what if there’s exceptions? The e are I“Look who’s such a big girl!” always exceptions. Would they want to study my toilet-train- “Wow, you’re not a baby anymore! You’re a big girl! Aren’t less Gitty for purposes of science? No! I would never let them you so excited?” take her! We were housebound then by Israel’s strict COVID rules, A peel of laughter interrupts my extremely logical train of and toilet-training Gitty was the most exciting activity of thought. Libby and Simi are laughing. the day. (Since the other activities of the day included check- I jump up. “What?” I ask. “Did she do it? Did she go? Did ing the books for crumbs while someone small simultane- she do it?” ously leaned over you, eating a cookie, as well as counting “No, of course not,” Simi says, because of course not. “But floor tiles to make sure that none of them had magically do you know what Gitty just said? She looked really frus- multiplied during the night, this was not surprising.) trated and then she said, “when is the toilet train coming?” Everyone hovered. Thetoilet train. I picture it, suddenly, and wonder if this is “Gitty, do you need the potty? Gitty, go, go, go to the potty! how Gitty is picturing it, too: a bright shiny steam engine, Oh, no, Gitty! You missed the potty!” was the constant refrain, decorated in toilet paper, with a gleaming toilet seat perched and poor Gitty cracked under the strain. Whoever said the on top instead of the more traditional smoke stack. All aboard thing about too many cooks and its effects on the broth the toilet train! understood toilet training with eight people in one apartment I think, suddenly, of when we sent Chili to a tutor in first during quarantine. grade, because he wasn’t picking up on the fundamentals of So, we took a nice long break, but gan is looming closer reading. He could do it, slowly, painfully, but by the time he and closer, and you can’t go to three-year-old gan even if you reached the end of the sentence, there would be sweat on his are not quite three yet if you’re not toilet-trained. forehead, and he could not repeat back to you a single thing Gitty is not toilet-trained. he had read. Not for lack of trying! Theboys are her cheerleading squad, “It’ll just happen, one day,” his tutor reassured us. “Until and the girls buy her treats. There is a special seat on the then, it’s literally just work. It’s sweat. But soon, it’ll just click.” toilet, and a potty in the living room. I have a stack of books Screaming things like “Ice cream party for everyone!” or piled worryingly high that I read to her while I perch at the “Thetable’s on fi e!” is not sufficien to gain Chili’s attention edge of the bathtub until my legs fall asleep. We have decided when he’s engrossed in a book, so I would venture to say that on a very active but very hands-off approach, a combination it’s clicked. of philosophies that sounds, now that I’m writing it down, I put a load of laundry in and lay out a stack of fresh books like it makes no sense, but I hope it does in real life, and next to the potty. I have no idea what I’m doing, but I do anyway, the point is, it’s just…it’s just not. know that one day, out of nowhere—nothing to do with my l “It’s been a week,” I say to my husband through what might efforts—the toilet train will fina ly arrive.

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