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Gentleman's Issue The Gentleman’s Issue Are you interested The Staff in comedy? Do you lack even Editor-in-Chief: the most basic sense of Aaron S. Edelman ’08 human dignity? Executive Editor: Are you desperate Lindsey C. Crump ’10 for attention? Sergeant-at-Arms: Marc J. Campasano ’11 The Cornell Lunatic Art Editor: Needs: Writers, Artists, Layout Editors, Rachel A. Kim ’08 Web Designers, Associate Editor: Astrophysicists, Alcoholics, Cat Hair (and Dander) Allergy Joshua A. Gomberg ’09 Sufferers, Divorcees, Aristocrats, Aristocats, Design Editor: Non-Threatening Drug Dealers David C. Tsang grad Email Aaron Edelman at [email protected] Staff/Writers: to find out how *you* can get involved! Matt J. Palmer ’08 The Cornell Lunatic: Brett B. Greenberg ’08 Laughter Guaranteed or Justin T. Cass ’08 Your Tuition Jordan H. Fabian ’09 Refunded in Full! Charlie S. Niesenbaum ’08 Zach R. Mast ’10 The Cornell Lunatic is an independent Ben D. Strauss ’11 student organization located at Cornell University, produced and is responsible Marc J. Campasano ’11 for the content of this publication. This Jonathan G. Packer ’11 publication was not reviewed or ap- David J. Watts ’10 proved by, nor does it necessarily ex- press or reflect the policies or opinions of, Cornell University or its designated representatives. The Cornell Lunatic 2 The Cornell Lunatic Campus Humor Magazine Founded 1978 Owned and Published by the Cornell Lunatic at Cornell University Table of Contents 4. Editorial & Bitches 20. White Male Voter 5. Ben Strauss’s Guide Horrible Pun of the 22. A Complaint Month 23. The Clownspiracy 6. Class of 1984 24. Dating Tips 8. Being a Gentleman 25. Interview with 9. Picking up Women: Daniel Plainview For Ex-Cons 28. Blame Page 10. Almanack 29. Fun Pages 12. A Modest Proposal 30. Farming & 13. Air I.H.O.P.E 14. Two Philosophers 31. Homophobe’s 15. Lunatic Fashion Guide to Bathroom 18. The Schwarzen- Signals bek Conundrum The Cornell Lunatic, Cornell University’s only humor magazine, is published a finite number of times per year by the Cor- nell Lunatic, Box #56, WSH, Ithaca, NY, 14853. Requests for advertising, submissions, money, fantasy football advice, fantasy croquet advice, hate mail, love mail, indifferent mail, and any other communications should be sent to the above ad- dress. Copyright © 2006 by The Cornell Lunatic, all rights reserved. This magazine is partially funded by the Student As- sembly Finance Commission. Nothing in this magazine necessarily reflects any of the opinions, ideas, beliefs, hopes, dreams, or drug-induced hallucinations of the SAFC, CU, the student body, or even our staff, so please calm the fuck down. Offended readers take heed, we’re only kidding. The Cornell Lunatic 3 Ways to Treat A LETTER FROM THE Your Bitch (Female Dog) ! take her for a walk ! give her a bone ! feed her EDtI's The LTunatic's 30thObirthday, aRnd everyone ! pet her Ion staff is thrilled that you're celebrating ! tell her she's a good girl with us. I don't know how you personally cel- ! play frisbee ebrate birthdays, but as you'll see in the pages ! give her a cute nickname that follow, we joyfully gather together to hold ! watch the Puppy Bowl together hands in the men's room, dress our gorillas in ! ask her, "who's a good dog?!" plus-sized women's clothing, and use flimsy ! tell her, "she is." pretenses to objectify women. And if it was ! get her a new chew toy your birthday, wouldn't you? ! dial down the voltage on Thirty years is really something, isn't it? It the invisible fence brings a certain undeserved legitimacy to a cuddle together during publication. It's a landmark indicating that we have arrived as an in- ! stitution at Cornell. It's at times like these that it's worth reflecting on thunder storms our history. Like the Bible, American history, or a really great dick ! don’t rape her joke, it's a story worth telling and retelling at regular intervals for the benefit of the lucky few who have managed to avoid hearing it Ways to Treat the first time. Many editors before me have tackled the creation myth of The Lu- Your Bitch natic with such poetry that I don't want to completely retell the tale. (Prison) I only wish to take a moment to honor the humble origins of a mag- azine that first saw circulation on April Fools Day 1978. ! give him a carton of cigarettes It's like a Horatio Alger novel, really, Joey Green and a few brave ! get him some nice new souls set out that year to build a literary empire from nothing. They shower shoes financed the first few issues with drug money, advertisements for ! let him hold your pocket sex toys, and profits from screenings of pornographic films at Cor- ! don't use him as a human nell cinema. shield during a riot The magazine grew and flourished. It won The New York Times's ! let him decorate his side most prestigious award: “Best Goddamn Magazine Ever” and earned of the cell its place as Cornell's Only Award Winning Humor Magazine ©. ! buy him some new fancy lipstick And look how far we've come. A"er 30 years on campus, we have ! let him keep his dessert the kind of wisdom and experience that only age can provide. Many ! surprise him with compliments, of us have even learned a thing or two about sensitivity. Personally, let him know how purty his I've learned that even if a priest asks you to tell him a joke, he does- mouth is n't want to hear the one about the pirate with a steering wheel watch "lets go to prison" shoved down the front of his pants. ! together We are a staff of Gentlemen of Substance and Ladies of Exquisite Taste. On our 30th birthday, we're giving you the gi" of our collec- ! let him have the top bunk tive wisdom presented in these pages. And we hope that you enjoy: ! don't rape him The Gentleman's Issue. The Cornell Lunatic 4 BHenOStRraRussI’Bs LE PUN of the month o there's these two guys on their way to a star wars conven- tion, but they're hungry, so they stop at this bakery/pastry Sshop. one of the guys (who's dressed as yoda) has been there before so he explains to the other, "yeah this place is pretty good. you can just buy stuff, or they have this thing where they give you some dough and you mold it and put it in the oven and make your own bread." the other guy (who's dressed as luke) says "ok, that sounds pretty cool, but let's just see what else they have." so they go up to the counter, and he's looking at the menu, and he sees they've got donuts and pie and stuff. he says "yeah that bread thing sounds cool but we don't have a lot of time, and it sounds like a lot of work, so let's just get some pie." the other guy says "ok fine." unfortunately the guy behind the counter says "oh, sorry, we're all out of pie." the one guy is like "what?! that's ridiculous! how can you be out of pie?!" etc. the guy behind the counter says "yeah, i know, we're sorry, but we get our next shipment in tomor- row, and... yeah..." but the guy is still really angry, he's like "i refuse to believe this! you gotta have pie! i can't believe you don't have it." his friend is like "look, they don't have pie, so let's just get some donuts, or they'll give us some dough and we can make some bread, it'll be fine!" but the guy is being really persistent and still complaining, until finally his friend says "look, here are our op- tions. either dough or donut, there is no pie!" Next Month: “Cedar? I hardly KNEW her!” The Cornell Lunatic 5 Class of 1984 TRUST YOUR COUNCIL. THROUGH OUR QUEEN, WE SHALL PREVAIL. BAKE SALE FRIDAY. hese are the Council’s slogans I read on their fiti scribbled in #2 pencil: I HATE CINDY. Of vibrant posterboard signs, taped all over the course, it now reads I NEED CINDY, having been Tcold brick walls of the Inspection Chamber, writ- edited with heavy black Sharpie by the Council’s ten in unsteady handwriting with blood-red Cray- Vandalism Correction Squad. Still, the glint of the ola marker. Likenesses of our Queen and Protector original lead message shines faintly beneath the glare at me from the banners hanging from the ceil- ink. I smile, remembering the times when this ing, affixed to the tiles with Scotch tape and sta- damn Chamber was a boys’ restroom, a haven of ples. I look around: my fellow Peers are miserable free speech, before Cindy abolished all places she and melancholy, and understandably so. Who could not go to. Now we boys must hold it in. could be happy under this regime? I’ll never for- Those that cannot are labeled bed-wetters and are get how it happened: how Cindy LeBowe seized sent to the Nurse for extermination. I stop smil- power and became Supreme Dictator of our fourth ing- my emotions cannot be seen by the Council. grade student council. I am next in line to face Cindy. In front of me, cur- Chocolate milk. That’s why I did it. Amidst her rently being interrogated is Jeremy Furton, and old diatribe telling of a “new world order” and “the colleague of mine from the second grade, a notable ideal society,” Cindy had promised us chocolate scholar of the poetry of Seuss, and an early critic milk every Monday.
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