CAPPING SHOW

ISSUE 11 PREVIEW

CONTENTS ISSUE 11 26 34 20 Facebook/CriticTeArohi Tweet/CriticTeArohi 03 479 5335 1436, Dunedin P.O.Box Aotearoa the of is a member Critic (ASPA) Association Press Student within presented views the Disclaimer: rep- necessarily do not this publication PMDL, the Editor, of views the resent OUSA. or with a complaint people Council: Press complain against a magazine should first not and then, if Editor to the writing in to complain response, the with satisfied should Complaints Council. the Press PO Box the Secretary, to be addressed Wellington. Terrace, The 10-879 Read Online Online Read Critic.co.nz Issusu.com/critic_Te_Arohi Get Touch In [email protected] Production McKirdy Alex OCM – Allison Nick – Distribution Sales Advertising Couch Tim [email protected] Ramsay Peter [email protected] Anglesey Jared [email protected]

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EDITORIAL LETTERS NEWS SPORTS TRIBUNE CRITICAL & FIGURES FACTS THE TO JOURNEY CRYSTAL MYSTIC PREVIEW CAPPING SHOW CULT THE CAPPING SHOW CRISIS MIDWIFE CROSSFIT THE OF THE MYSTERY FUCKBOI DISSAPEARING GIRLS BEHIND GAMING & CRACK SNAP, POPPLE US BLIND DATE

06 07 08 14 15 16 20 19 20 26 30 34 35 39 CULTURE 42 COLUMNS 46 47 Centrefold & Front Cover & Front Centrefold Doornbos Anthony Editorial MacManus Joel – Editor – Charlie O’Mannin Scoop Ice-Cream – Chelle Fitzgerald Editor Features Thompson – Jess Editor Culture Hall – Esme Reporter Chief Moore – Nat Editor Sub – Charlie Hantle Editor Sports Design Adank Jack – Designer Lead Broughton – Erin Designer Contributors Davenport, Kelly Taptiklis-Haymes, Zoe Gallagher, Sarah Gray, Eliana Lisa Blakie, Bailie-Bellew. Thea Callum Doyle,

2018 14 MAY 11 ISSUE CONTENTS EDITORIAL EDITORIAL: THE ELECTION LETTERS TO EDITOR Hey Critic team (Swilliam mostly),

THEY DON’T WANT YOU I loved your piece on craft beer, it felt like I was reading my own thoughts. I don't want to 'hop' on TO KNOW ABOUT any toes, but I would also suggest to the reader to try a sour! They're not a beer for everyone, but they hold a special place in my heart. NZUSA Vice-President Melissa Evans has stood down, and the NZUSA is currently in the process of holding a Mostly just thanks for discussing a topic that is by-election. OUSA doesn’t want you to know that, and it’s often laughed at, I don't know how many times not clear why. my friends have joked about my taste in beer. Enjoying things shouldn't be the butt of a joke, The New Zealand Union of Students’ Associations is your exploring new things should be celebrated and national voice on student issues. They’re the ones who go encouraged. to parliament and lobby for law changes like increased stu- dent allowances, first year fees free, and rental law. OUSA Thanks for you brave words, pays tens of thousands of dollars annually to be a part of it. Beer Belly So that fact that NZUSA is now looking for a new VP is a Swilliam: Sour beers are for nerds big deal. It’s been a while since an Otago student has held a major role, so we should be on the hunt for really great

candidates to put us in the best position possible to win. To the author of the Shit Towns of Otago article But so far there has not been a peep from OUSA. No public statements, no social media. It doesn’t even appear on any I take it you aren’t a Geography major; or perhaps official documents, reports or meeting minutes. There has you’re just a JAFA? been no public acknowledgement of a resignation or an For future reference, Timaru, Kurow, Waimate election. and Gore are NOT located in Otago! Timaru, NZUSA President Jonathan Gee told me that he had Kurow and Waimate are located in Canterbury informed OUSA about the election and the empty position, while Gore, aka the arsehole of the world, is part and that it was then OUSA’s responsibility to find some- of Southland. In future, please consult a map one to nominate if they wanted. Constitutionally, NZUSA before you decide to insult the proud province has to let OUSA know at least 30 days before an election. of Otago. Nominations closed on Friday, so if you were thinking about putting your name forward, too fucking late. Sincerely,

The only people that seemed to know anything about it A Salty Southern Man whatsoever were the exec and some people close to people Editor: They are shit though. on the exec. They wouldn’t even confirm to Critic that an election was happening, let alone any info about it. News Editor: I tried to tell Joel that many of the towns aren't in Otago. He said that nobody would One non-exec member who had been informed of the elec- care. I am vindicated. tion speculated that it was being kept a secret because NZUSA was afraid that publicly acknowledging the res- ignation of a high-up member would make them look Dear OUSA Postgrad Officer, dysfunctional. Jonathan denied that. He said the only reason they weren’t doing a bigger call for nominations Kia ora Critic, was because it was a by-election, not a major annual one, Students Against Sexual Violence (SASV) is writ- but that all the member associations were informed. ing to you in support of your recent editorial So it sure looks like someone’s covering something up. about Voluntary Student Membership (VSM). We Either NZUSA told OUSA to keep the whole thing quiet, agree it is very harmful to students, including or OUSA is actively attempting to keep students out of the student representation and advocacy. free election process. We wish to build on what you have said by adding If only current exec members and their close friends are that the VSM bill has been and is damaging to allowed to stand for positions, and they refuse to tell anti-sexual violence efforts of support, advocacy anyone else the position is available, that’s a shit way to and prevention.

By Joel Joel MacManus By run a democracy. Rape Crisis Dunedin submitted against VSM ISSUE 11

6 LETTERS

saying “The Bill fails to meet legal, moral or prac- (discriminatory to disabled people such as deaf BYO restaurants.” This is not correct. The Dunedin tical tests that would meet the author of the Bill’s people) and is a crying shame to be coming from BYO accord is an agreement between BYO licens- assertion that it “does not seek to damage or limit a public representative. ees, supported by the Police and Public Health. student associations”. These limitations directly For the avoidance of doubt the DCC is not part Caity, we're sorry you were pressured to apologise, impact student welfare, advocacy and representa- of the accord and never has been. kia kaha. Keep going strong for the student cause! tion.” And further that “The welfare of all students, (P.s. critic is spot on, we need to get rid of VSM, though especially women, and certainly survivors it's just nasty) of sexual abuse, is threatened by this bill” because “students will lose access to services, representa- And Dave, quit not taking young people seriously tion and advocacy as a result of this legislation.” or treating them with respect, quit being a dick basically. You ought to be the one apologising. VSM has done great damage to the wellbeing of students, especially student survivors of sexual kā mihi, violence (many of which will be women and queer ANGRY REACTS ONLY students, as well of course, male survivors).

We would like to highlight also that many Māori student groups submitted against this bill because Hey critic! of concerns of the negative impacts it would have I just read your food review on alternative meat on Māori students’ wellbeing. Given that Māori co fake chicken strips and I thought I’d ask if it women experience double the rate of sexual vio- was written by a middle-aged pessimist, who lence as do Pacific and migrant women, and given doesn’t believe in climate change and mistook that valid concerns of sexual violence organisa- the critic for their daily fb rant. I get it that veg- tions, VSM must urgently go. Tautoko! <3 LETTER OF THE WEEK etarians and vegans attract a lot of hate for the kā mihi nui, moral superiority and hippie bullshit proclaimed Congrats! You won a $30 by a minority within the group. But surely we can UBS voucher. Students Against Sexual Violence all acknowledge the bigger picture: eating meat is Dear OUSA Post Graduate Officer P.S. @OUSA when are you gonna join us in this contributing to an unsustainable industry that is campaign to #ToppleVSM once and for all, for the fucking up the environment. What the fuck do you do all day? good of all students? Why waste energy shitting on a product that could You’re quite honestly MIA, we can’t see you. @NZUSA (New Zealand University Students Asso- actually make a positive difference? It’s the uned- What we can see, is that you’re still admin on ciation) lets make this a nationwide campaign, ucated and self-righteous grumps of the world the OUPS facebook page. Well done on the yeah? who deter masses from using their own brains 150 likes by the way – that’s impressive for and giving something new a go. Fair enough if the a society that’s done fuck all for it’s demo- fake chicken smells like feet and isn’t your cup of graphic. Is it appropriate that you’re still Heya Critic, tea, it is an opinion piece after all. My point is, I admin? When was your AGM? Why did you think it was a dick move to use the article as an my friend and I last week were so impressed with guys cancel events in 2017? No, we don’t opportunity to undermine all plant based diets and Caitlin's (the OUSA student president) staunch want to play laser tag with you. glorify backward attitudes regarding the environ- response to Mayor Dave Cull's rude and dismissive In your honorarium report you state some- mental impacts of meat consumption. approach to students and student issues. What thing vague like, “I met with departments.” It’s Caity said was brave and needed, and made us Hope your food review columnist is done PMSing not enough to make those statements. Which respect her more. by next week! departments have you met with? You clearly aren’t meeting with the right departments, We're gutted to see she was obviously pressured Cheers, to retract and apologies for her statements. Caity because not only did we hear jack from you Leaf-eating socialist wasn't giving out a personal attack,she was making during the humanities consultation, you also decided to tell the University that “students valid points about a man and a city council that Editor: I believe it was written by an 18-24 year are 100% happy with the changes, wank, has no respect for students, in spite of what this old pessimist city makes off of the back of students who so wank, wank” often live in poverty. I hope Dave Cull gives you that reference CORRECTION Perhaps the reason Mayor Cull has no respect you’re yearning for. from students is that he profits off of poor qual- In Issue 7, Critic ran an article titles ‘How The Excited to read your 5,000-word reply. I don't ity student housing being one of Dunedin's many DCC Destroyed BYOs’. The article was factually mind tbh, just so long as you step it up. 'slumlords'. I would like to point out also that incorrect. The article stated that “…the Dunedin Regards, if anyone is giving "personal attacks" it's Dave City Council … working alongside the Southern ISSUE 11 Cull who called a member of the public "deaf or District Health Board, the police, and license hold- Andrew Townsend stupid" which is not only rude but deeply ableist ers, introduced an accord to limit drunkenness at

7 NEWS

OUSA President Apologises for Being too “Passionate” Attacking DCC

Exec split over how shit DCC is By Charlie O’Mannin

OUSA President Caitlin Barlow-Groome has Caitlin’s comments whipped up a storm of “Sitting on every committee is both absurd walked back her comments criticising the upset people. Dunedin Mayor Dave Cull and a genuine waste of everyone’s time”. Dunedin City Council (DCC) for not caring responded to Caitlin’s article, saying that Kirio argued that the better approach to about students after she received significant “while I admire [Caitlin’s] passion, my recol- dealing with the DCC was to “Commit, year blowback from both the DCC and others lection of our discussions varies from hers”. after year, to turning up to council meetings within OUSA. He said that “students and the University when appropriate, making submissions when In her President’s column two weeks ago, (as well as the Polytechnic and its students) appropriate, and making a habitual effort to titled “The DCC Don't Give a Flying Fuck are vital to Dunedin. Sure, you are import- be engaged. Local government change is About Students,” Caitlin Barlow-Groome, ant to the city’s economy, but you also bring made with courtesy, integrity, perseverance OUSA President attacked the DCC for not youth, vibrancy, a spirit of academic enquiry and humility. Be stuck in, not stuck up.” “car[ing] about anyone between the ages of and energy to our community. We love that.” In her next President’s column Caitlin apolo- 18-24”. He went on to list things that the DCC do gised to those who misconstrued the point of Caitlin said that at a recent meeting with for students, including recycling and rubbish her article, saying that “the tone and wording Dunedin Mayor Dave Cull, “When I asked if collection, internships, and helping with Hyde of that article went too far and missed the he thought it was important that a student Street. “However, we expect public areas to point I was trying to achieve. I did not set out rep sit in on the regular meeting between the be treated with respect in return. I know it’s to lay a personal attack, but I can see how DCC and the University, he politely laughed only a small minority who smash bottles on it could appear as one. For that I am sorry”. and said “no, that wouldn’t be appropriate footpaths, but that behaviour makes ratepay- However, she went on to say that, “as the unless you want to end up with a bill”. One ers in other areas ask why we give students President of a students’ association, my sole of his people in the room said they would special treatment. On the other hand, I was purpose is to represent the concerns and “consult us on issues that affect students”. immensely proud to see a large group of ideas of students. The intention of my arti- When a city was built around a university that university students last year respond to the cle was to start a conversation about student has 20,000 students, don’t you think 99% of pleas of preschool students by organising a opinion being valued in the decision making issues ‘affect students’????” clean-up of broken glass on Castle Street.” of our city [. . .] while I may have been too “The students make this city,” Caitlin contin- He concluded by saying that “We see you, our passionate in getting my message across, I ued, “Take us out you lose everyone who is students, as an integral part of our commu- encourage the DCC to consider students and employed at the University, which leaves you nity. For those of you from outside Dunedin, what we have to say.” without enough to even call yourself a city. we welcome you here as new citizens, not as “I will now turn my focus to building a better Dave Cull, Dunedin Mayor, it’s time to take temporary visitors or tourists.” relationship with the DCC, so student issues the student voice into consideration.” OUSA Postgraduate Officer Kirio Birks also won’t fall on deaf ears.” Caitlin concluded by saying that she wanted disagreed with his President’s article, saying OUSA to “sit on every committee that dis- in a letter to Critic that “The Dunedin City cuss anything that could directly, or indirectly, Council cares about OUSA, cares about stu- affect students. Our voice needs to be heard!” dents, and cares about the youth” and that ISSUE 11

8 NEWS

OPINION: The OUSA Exec are making less than minimum wage. How is that OK?

By Esme Hall

Student Association Executives are vital for An honorarium is the wrong type of payment from local and national media. Caitlin says ensuring that students are represented at for Student Associations. They have defined “on average I have worked 51 hours a week the university, regional and national levels. roles and responsibilities under their portfo- over the last 5 weeks” and “every weekend But they’re overworked and underpaid. That lios which they must complete throughout the bar one”. Also, Caitlin’s flatmate’s friend ate isn’t right. year. Not only this, but they also have set her fish, vomited it up, then snorted it. That hours – at the OUSA elections they clearly has nothing to do with her pay, but it is gross. Two weeks ago Critic reported on the res- advertise different positions as 10 hours, ignation of two Executives of the Auckland Paying the Executive properly benefits every- 20 hours, and full time. Yet despite working University Students’ Association (AUSA). one. Here’s how: what is in essence an hourly job, they are paid Both former Welfare Vice-President Isabel below the hourly minimum wage. 1. Proper pay would take some pressure off Holm and Queer Rights Officer Isabella Fran- our executive, who take on enormous respon- You may be wondering, “why does Critic care? cis were passionate about helping vulnerable sibilities on behalf of the student body. You guys shit on the OUSA Exec all the time?” students at Auckland Uni. But a combination You make a fair point. 2. Proper pay would make elections more of poor management and an unreasonable competitive by consistently attracting high workload made them feel that they couldn’t Critic doesn’t criticise the OUSA Exec quality representatives. do their roles justice. Isabel said she felt she because we think they’re bad people. They’re had to be “superhuman” to do the job. not. Your Executive dedicates their time and 3. Proper pay would also make it easier for energy to represent you. Critic calls out the students to hold the Exec to account. Critic To rub salt in the wound, student representa- Exec because it’s our job. They are elected would feel less bad about criticising them if tives are barely paid. AUSA, OUSA and almost representatives of the Otago student body, they were paid for it. all other Student Association Executives are and governors of the multi-million dollar compensated with an honorarium. Obviously pushing to pay themselves more organisation that is OUSA. We have to hold isn’t a great look for elected Student Execu- In other words, instead of being paid regularly, them to account. tives, who already face criticism. That’s why Exec members get a lump sum every quarter. But, it’s also our job to raise awareness about it’s our jobs as students to call for our rep- And for the OUSA exec, that lump sum comes things that are unjust around the University, resentatives to be supported so they can be out to a lot less than minimum wage. Many such as paying the OUSA Executive next better at supporting us. So here’s the deal: Exec members aren’t full-time students as to nothing. Look, both students and Critic because OUSA has a stupidly complicated they’re contributing too much time to OUSA. have far greater standing to hold the Exec constitution, the only way for us to change This means they don’t get StudyLink. OUSA to account and demand better of them if we it is at a Student General Meeting (SGM). Welfare Officer Abigail Clark has “to work a know they’re being paid a decent amount. There will be an SGM on 24 May 2018, at second job to live,” even though she’s spend- 1pm, Main Common Room, to change the ing around 30 hours a week on OUSA work. Being a student representative is difficult. honorarium system. Show up and vote for OUSA Presidents give up a year of their You can’t really call an honorarium ‘getting change if you give a shit. lives to head the organisation. President paid’. It’s really meant to be a method to pay Caitlin Barlow-Groome receives a salary of

volunteers a nominal amount for their time. ISSUE 11 around $30,000 a year. She is the student An honorarium is meant for people like sports face of Otago Uni and faces public criticism coaches, or local church treasurers.

9 NEWS

Gastro Outbreak Hits 70 Selwyn Students

Could make the Selwyn Ballet way funnier though (although to be fair almost anything would) By Charlie O’Mannin

Two weeks ago Critic was walking through down and you don't even feel like a person great care of us though; there was someone campus, taking pictures for the esteemed anymore just a regurgitating machine. Some on duty 24 hours a day who could take you to Critical Tribune, when a group of clearly other strange gastro sensations were feeling hospital (if your symptoms were unbearable) blazed women accosted us with a large bottle freezing cold but simultaneously boiling hot, or bring you a bottle of water or even just to of hand sanitiser, claiming that there was a throbbing headache which lasted for a few have a chat, because you start to go mildly gastro around. If only we’d listened. days, extreme fatigue and joint pain.” insane after being in isolation for 72 hours (even Netflix and YouTube cannot entertain An outbreak of gastroenteritis (gastro) has hit Southern DHB medical officer of health Keith you forever). I know of people who still have almost half the residents of Selwyn College. Reid told Stuff that Public Health South had the bug, so although we are allowed to go Gastro symptoms include diarrhoea, vomit- introduced "appropriate measures" at the college, and eat at the dining hall now and congre- ing, nausea, abdominal pain, fever and muscle and that the number of cases was now reduc- gate in the common room, there are still signs pains. The disease can last between 1-3 days ing. "At present, we haven't seen a rise in cases up all around the collage and hand sanitizer and spreads by ingestion of contaminated outside of the university," said Reid. Charlotte dispensers everywhere you look. Overall food or water, contact with contaminated said that, at the time of writing, she thought that having Gastro was NOT a fun experience. surfaces and inhalation of the airborne virus. around 70 people in Selwyn had gastro. 1/10 would not recommend.” Charlotte Brewer, a resident at Selwyn Col- Measures to reduce risk include wash- Gastro is highly infectious and those infected lege, was one of the people who got gastro. ing hands often, especially after using the shit out the virus in large quantities. “Having gastro was a truly horrific experi- bathroom and before food preparation. It ence,” she told Critic. “The first night was is important for anyone with gastro to stay Critic would like to point out that Selwyn definitely the worst for me. It all started when away from work, education, or childcare while College was already a large quantity of shit. I was lying in bed about to fall asleep and they experience symptoms, and for at least then a wave of nausea hit me like a ton of 48 hours afterwards. “The vomiting subsided bricks and within the space of five minutes I after 24 hours,” said Charlotte, “but because was running to get to the toilet (which I was the outbreak in Selwyn was so extensive you sharing with my neighbour who also caught were quarantined in your room for 48 hours gastro at the same time). Your body shuts after you started feeling better. Our RAs took ISSUE 11

10 NEWS

Counter-Protest Drowns Out White Nationalists Photo Credit - Simon Parsons - Simon Credit Photo

The National Front forced to wave the white flag of surrender By Thea Bailie-Bellew

The National Front, a white supremacist, alt- After a complaint, the National Front’s events minority groups that are discriminated against. right group, held a sparsely attended rally at were quickly removed from EventFinda and Make an effort to understand racism, colonial- Queens Gardens on 4 May. The event was their account was suspended. EventFinda ism, and all the impact it continues to have in heavily counter-protested. CEO James McGlinn said that they do not our country.” allow content that could be seen as “promot- The National Front is a group of racists that Another member of the counter-protest said ing racial disharmony or hate speech”. claim to encourage free democracy for New “I think one of the most important things is Zealanders, in which individuals are free to Critic spoke to Sina Brown-Davis, who having these tough conversations about race make their own decisions and choices, as long described themselves as “of Te Roroa and Te and racial injustice. as that choice is to be racist. This seems oxy- Uriohau descent, a lifelong activist, humbly We need to understand that these people play moronic, emphasis on the moronic, and the living on the land of the Kai Tahu, Kati on very real fears that people have about the National Front evidently doesn’t understand Mamoe, and Waitaha people in Parihaumia,” present and the future, as well as the reac- our current form of government. Their web- about her involvement with the Dunedin tionary or racist attitudes which are seen as site states “Unlike other parties, particularly counter-protest. accepted more or less in today's society.” those of the extreme left and right, we would “[We] should make sure that white suprem- not impose our views on the population”. The National Front did not respond to our acists should never be given a platform request for comment. A video from a recent Christchurch National anywhere. They can make an effort to learn Front event shows a white man talking to about the Māori history of the land that they about 7.5 other white people at a nondescript live on and be supportive allies of the Tangata outdoor location. Whenua. They can hand over resources to

Uncertainty for Te Rangi Hiroa after Dunedin Hospital Announcement

Where will all the freshers who couldn’t get into anywhere else go now? By Esme Hall

The future of Te Rangi Hiroa College is unclear steps because “hospital site master planning look to rebuild Te Rangi Hiroa College else- after the Government announced its building is and any subsequent property acquisition” will where, retaining its identity and name. part of the new site for the Dunedin Hospital. be a “significant process”. The College is named after the University’s Dunedin’s new hospital will be built on the He says for now “it is business as usual”. The first Māori medical graduate, Te Rangi Hiroa. Cadbury site and on the next block to the University will “start to consider a range of University of Otago Director of Māori devel- north, which currently contains a Wilson’s options” but is committed to “the ongoing opment Tuari Potiki says Te Rangi Hiroa’s iwi, carpark and Te Rangi Hiroa College. operation of Te Rangi Hiroa College in the Ngāti Mutunga, have been informed of the future”. hospital announcement’s potential implica- The University-owned Hall of Residence is tions for the college. Ngāti Mutunga is keen home to 120 first-years and will keep running “Current residents and their families have been to be involved in future plans for the college. until more detail is known about the hospital informed” there will be no impact on them this rebuild. year, Willis says. Te Rangi Hiroa will still accept There have been no negotiations to date with applications for 2019. either the Crown or Ministry of Health in rela-

University of Otago Chief Operating Officer ISSUE 11 tion to acquisition of Te Rangi Hiroa College. Stephen Willis says it “will be some time” If the building can no longer be used as a res- before there’s clarity on Te Rangi Hiroa’s next idential college, Willis says the University will

11 ISSUE 11 NEWS Con: Pro: quarter.” Executive each the to report Representative a present will to “The read be amended Constitution of the 34.5 Section Te Māori Roopū end deep the in throwthem don’t ifwe learn to Con:They’renever going demic” Pro: demic” theto delete word “aca- be amended Constitution of the 34.2 Section accepted? be Constitution the to amendments following the Should Con: Pro: University 2018? Students’Otagofor Association the for Solicitors Honorary as appointed be Lloyd Anderson Should anything? audit to allowed be Con: Pro: University 2018? Students’Otagofor Association the forauditors as appointed PricewaterhouseCoopersbe Should again Con: Pro: accepted? receivedand be 2017 Should the Otago University Students’ Association Annual Report for Con: Pro: accepted? receivedand be 2017 December 31 ended year the for Statements Financial Audited Annual Association Students’University Otago the Should did make it into the referendum.the into it make did that questions the broken down has Critic students?),commerce up for(whatyourselves thinking bothered be can’t ofwho you those still vote. For should dinosaur?” you official its as stegosaurus the OUSAadopt “Should and bar?”gay old big a into turned be building Societies and Clubs the “Should like questions, best our of some rejectedthey though Monday.Even OUSA’s9am Referendumopens It allows the association to continue functioning continue to association the allows It There would be more reports for Critic to make fun of fun make to Critic forreportsmore be There would McVeaghRussell They’renot Itmight give their lives meaning Bowie #RIP David us behind 2017 put finally Wecan The exec wouldn’t have to look up how to spell the word “aca- word the spell to how up look to have wouldn’t exec The We wouldhave to read more reports I mean) know what (if you firm law a They’restill Should anyone who still doesn’t know the price of a water house over all it do and 2017 to back go to have we pass doesn’t it If out freakexec the funnywatching be wouldIt Critic Breaks Down Critic BreaksDown Referendum the OUSAReferendum By Charlie [sc]O[op]’ManninCharlie ByMacManus Joeland Questions rights as white hetero men Con: aroused doing Pro: terms?gender-neutral replacedwith be Constitution the throughout used terms genderbinary all Should Con: Pro: referendum. to it putting without auditors and solicitors honorary appoint to empowered be Executive OUSA the that and removed, be (f) and (e) 6.3 and (d), and (c) 19.10 Sub-sections Con: Pro: a Friday” on held be shall Meeting eral Deletefrom 21.2: section “…generally provided that no Student Gen- mind-numbing bureaucracy own their start and policies OUSA’s all steal might Someone Con: fortof their own homes Pro: accordingly.numbers section change and website” Association the on available publically made be must policies active “All reads: that 11.4 section a Add Con: Pro: 10.14 section Delete essarily Con: Pro: Rules” these accordancewith in “To Rules, reads: 6.2(e) the that of section breaches remedy a Add No one in the future would have to be asked questions 3 and 4 and 3 questions asked be to have futurewould the in one No Constitution the in Fewersections People could easily masturbate toOUSA’s from policies comthe - Constitution the in Fewersections arewords These Time-consuming administrative task, which the exec all become all exec the which task, administrative Time-consuming Inclusivity might lead to certain people thinking they have the same same the have they thinking people certain to lead might Inclusivity It might encourage peopleto go around capitalising"rules"unnec The power might *will* go to the exec’sheads the to go *will* mightpower The Lord’sFridaythe day is up. it look Wesure.didn’tNot important. be might It - NEWS ISSUE 11 OUSA OUSA will hold boring meetings inyour flat andnot grant you Oatmeal There won’t won’t There be any sick people Hard plastics mightget jealous andwant theirown scheme Might hinder the free distributionof beerafter therevolution the recordings watch will ever one No All your enemies might get sick and die Victs would David Seymour get an erection Another human being has to sit through exec meetings Schemes are only a few steps away from cunning plans from away steps a few only are Schemes Alcohol class to go to have will ever one No stuff Free you Then could expand the to Party Hyde a Street political party It would make David Seymour cry nice very be would It OUSA will talk for ages about getting you a microwave, which will which a microwave, you getting about ages for talk will OUSA speaking rights Should support OUSA a soft plastic recycling scheme on campus? Pro: Con: and court food Union the in alcohol of sale the support OUSA Should Union Common Room areas? Pro: Con: Should OUSA formally support and lobby the University to provide for recordings all lectures? Pro: Con: Should OUSA lobby the University to fund fluvaccinations for all students? Pro: Con: Should commit OUSA to continuing the free breakfast through 2019? Pro: Con: Should expand OUSA the Hyde to Party Street increase capacity? Pro: and the take over government. Con: to colleges residential and Private the University lobby OUSA Should offer discountedrent to Residential Assistants, so that theirpay will accommodation costs? cover entirely Pro: The university would actually respect them as people and pay deserve them as they The Con: would university have to do a good thing student voluntary the of repeal the for lobby and support OUSA Should Education the by implemented associations students’ membership of Act Amendments Association) 2011? of (Freedom Pro: Con: Should include OUSA a onPacificrepresentative theExecutive? Pro: Con: Should Should OUSA set up a subsidiary company to invest in flats in the North Dunedin area as a to way streams? revenue diversify Pro: you make valued feel Con: Bullying is fun for the perpetrators is fun for Bullying Who likes being healthy? It sucks. couldn’t think We of one It might reduce exec infighting, which is fun towatch students Many very supportiveare of drug-related harm. He might put his fingers in his ears andgo “lalalalalala” will smell bad people and the environmental the compost Both Donna deserves a nice holiday a nice deserves Donna sleeping is gross Communal Education is boring enough, we don’t need to bring scientists into scientists bring to need don’t we enough, boring is Education Would help me buy weed. I can’t find a decent dealer. If you know know you If dealer. decent a find can’t I weed. buy me help Would He might say “What a nice idea” and then wander away to eat Josh Josh will Smythe give probably us all free drugs in celebration Tickets fucking suuuuuuuck Attractive environmental people Attractive mightwe’re think cool things both are and health Science Bullying is bad for the victims Donna is the best person and ever and lovely she’s we love her is fun sleeping Communal don’t what We know SLA stands for There have now been four questions asking the same thing about drugs. about thing same the asking questions four been now have There Should OUSA endorseShould officially OUSA a changefrom theof current Misuse Act Drugs of 1975 in of a favour health-based approach? Pro: Con: Should OUSA officially endorse the complete legalisation of marijuana in Zealand? New Pro: someone, please email [email protected] Con: Should OUSA amend its current policy to prohibit election tickets to be formed (groups of two or more candidates running alongside and endorsing one another's campaigns) elections? for Executive Pro: Con: Should explore OUSA optionsto minimise drug-related harm? Pro: Con: it. Also, why it. we Also, why aren’t supporting spiritualist based educationaround drug use? Should Should OUSA directly ask the EducationMinister, “Willyou wipe all student loan debt 2025?” by Pro: a scone Con: composting a implement to University the for advocate OUSA Should system on campus? Pro: Con: Should OUSA support science and health based education on safe student drug use? Pro: Con: Should OUSA Should run OUSA a campaign against bullying? Pro: Con: Should Should the AssociationSecretary, Donna Jones, bere-appointed for Years? a offixed-termfour (4) Pro: Con: Should support OUSA the establishment of an on-campus Marae? Pro: Con: Should SLA OUSA’s funding be independent Roopū of Te Māori’s funding? Pro: Annually? Selling LIES Association? Larder Con: Does it Snake stand for Animals? Super Audit? Late Arseholes? Lads’ Soapy Super Lovely SPORTS

OPINION: Should Sportspeople Be Role Models?

By Charlie Hantler

There’s been some pretty shitty stuff happen- of some immensely wealthy, immensely pam- willy nilly. David, Steve and Cam… I don’t have ing in sports recently. David Warner, Israel pered young man who finds that they have a words to be honest. We’ve known for the Folau, Conor McGregor and Steve Smith are gift which, through hard work and luck, can longest time that the Aussie cricket team is just a few of the names that have made the be parlayed into a lucrative career.” full of shit blokes, and I always thought Mitch- headlines, and it’s forcing us to bring out that ell Starc was pretty overrated, so I’m pretty Or as Charles Barkley put it in his iconic Nike tired old cliché “the spirit of the game”. stoked to have that opinion vindicated. commercial, “I am not a role model. I am not Look Dave, that’s just not fucking cricket, paid to be a role model. I am paid to wreak The harsh reality is that sportspeople are I thought to myself when I woke up to the havoc on the basketball court. Parents should tasked with public responsibilities when news of what the Aussies had done in Cape be role models. Just because I dunk a basket- they sign contracts at this sort of level. They Town. To tell the truth though, it really was ball, doesn’t mean I should raise your kids.” know exactly what they’re getting into. To nothing new from the convicts. They’ve been lump blame on parents like O’Doherty does That’s all well and good, but what is indisput- running a pretty abysmal cutter for a long is naive. able is that we have an instinct to follow in time now in terms of sportsmanship, and the footsteps of people whose actions or abil- A massive chunk of these sportspeople’s audi- kept hammering home the same old media ities we admire. It’s only natural, and it isn’t ence are in their inherently impressionable bullshit that their sledging is still “in the spirit something that is going to immediately, or youth, and their actions can lead to the next of the game”. Nah, get fucked. Kids all over even quickly, change. Whether these sports- generation developing the same nature. See Australia, even in the depths of Darwin and people like it or not, they’re looked up to by the vicious cycle that I’m hinting at here? Hobart, have their eyes and ears glued to the millions of children worldwide, and these Plenty of sportspeople make great efforts to screen, watching their heroes. They base their children will end up leading the charge of counter this, but unfortunately all it takes is games, both physical and verbal, off the likes the next generation, including on the sports one bad apple to spoil the bunch, and get of Steve Smith, David Warner and Mitchell fields, long after the likes of Folau, Warner the negative media (much like the ODT with Starc. Now, I know that alone makes for a and McGregor are gone. literally anything student related) pumping pretty fucked nation, but bear with. out the hot takes. So I’m trying to avoid that The recent incidents with their crook cricket I’m no great philosopher, but Uncle Ben here, but a lot of the shitbags mentioned in team and Folau’s controversial statements definitely was, and he nailed it when he said, this article need to sort their shitbaggery out. have prompted the reemergence of the ques- “with great power comes great responsibility”. tion – should sportspeople be role models? Conor mate, we get that your boy was getting As Irish journalist Ian O'Doherty said about a rough time, but you really don’t need to Conor McGregor’s recent assault charge, “Any act like a fuckwit and throw things at buses. parent who ever thought a sportsperson Izzy, I love freedom of speech as much as could, or even should, be a good role model the next bloke, but maybe think about what for their kids needs to look at their own par- you’re saying and the wide audience that it enting skills rather than criticise the behaviour will impact before you chuck out bible lines ISSUE 11

14 Dunedin’s Most Accurate News Source Since 1653

By Charlie Hantler

BARLENE BAYNE AFFILIATES THE LECTURER CLOSES OFFICE DOOR AT “UNIVERSITY OF OTAGO’S VICE-CHAN- ALL TIMES IN ORDER TO CONVINCE CELLOR IS COOL” CLUB WITH OUSA STUDENTS SHE IS NOT IN HER OFFICE

‘Barlene Bayne,’ who looks suspiciously like University of Otago Vice-Chancellor Dr. Susan Martin has an open-door policy, or at least that’s what she tells her Harlene Hayne with a fake moustache and sunglasses, has successfully per- students. “When I can no longer handle them I just close the door and make suaded OUSA’s Clubs and Societies division to affiliate her club, the “University no sounds,” she whispered to the Critical Tribune over the phone. “I’m frankly of Otago’s Vice-Chancellor is Cool” club (OUVCC). quite overwhelmed at all times.” “I just feel like Harlene doesn’t get the credit she deserves,” Barlene told the We hear a faint knocking, followed by a gasp. “That’s one now,” Dr. Martin Tribune. “It’s hard work slashing university jobs while being paid $630,000 rasps frantically. After thirty seconds, she breathes a sigh of relief. “They’re and living in a university owned mansion. Why can’t everyone just be nice to gone. I better dart out to the loo before any of them see me in the hallway.” me, I mean her?” When asked for comment on the establishment of the club, Harlene Hayne said “Why does no one call me the Nice-Chancellor?”

AMERICAN EXCHANGE STUDENT WANTS CASTLE STREET LAD BANISHED AFTER FIN- TO PLAY BEER PONG WITH WATER ISHING YARDIE IN OVER FOUR MINUTES

Hank Letroy, a Philadelphia native and UPenn student on exchange at Otago, A third year commerce student has been banished in shame from his Castle attempted to join a beer pong game at a flat party on Cumberland Street by Street ‘tribe’ after completing his 21st birthday yardie in an embarrassingly slow pouring a jug of water into his cups. Kiwi host Luke Sawyer immediately rejected time. He will be forced to wander in the wilderness of Leith Street for six months him: “Hey mate, you gotta play with beers, that’s how it works.” Confused and before making his return to the green pastures of his home. Flatmate Liam Neil, angry, Letroy pointed to a half-empty bottle of Budweiser in his hand. “Bro, who poured the fateful yardie, said he was sad to see his friend go, but “he must every time you sink a cup of water, bro, I’ll just take a sip of this bro.” face the reckoning of his crimes. For six moons he shall wander, searching his His opponents informed him that half a beer would not be enough to get him drunk. soul and battling his inner demons. Only then may he be welcomed back into

Hank was later seen passed out on a stairwell after finishing a whole 6-pack. the fold, as an equal and a man.” ISSUE 11

15 The definitive list of the most popular Mark Ruffalos in North Dunedin this week ODT Watch Brad Sullivan: Is a little bit racist but in a way that it’s By Charlie O’Mannin hard to put your finger on. Sort it out Brad you’re better than that. Brad and Dad rhyme, and rhyming is a poetry To start this week the ODT are seeking help for a problem TROPE. Brad is an average dad trope. sculpture that keeps popping up in their garden,

Bruce Banner: You won't like him when he's angry!

Dylan Rhodes: Tries to impress you with magic tricks, some are actually quite good. Calls you a “little shit” when you are up to no good. Has a big heart and kind They tried cutting it in half, but then they jut had two worm eyes. sculptures to deal with.

Mike Rezendes: Loves enforcing rules. So many Next, some words from Councillor Lee ‘Climate Change is rules. Yeah alright DAD I’ll be home before 6 pm and I a Hoax’ Vandervis, won’t smooch anyone. But you didn’t make any rules about smoking weed and kicking cars so jokes on you OLD MAN.

Matt Flamhaff: Always remembers your birthday. Once built the most magical dolls house. Is a photogra- Lee Vandervis has never had anything useful to add. pher, lives in an apartment building by himself. Has had a crush on the same woman since he was 13 (Jenna Then, an incredibly sad glimpse into the ODT’s private life Rink you lucky gal).

Inspector David Toschi: Has a keen sense of justice, works tirelessly and is hardly ever home, it puts a strain Popular Mark RuffalosPopular Mark on your home life but is ultimately for the greater good. Has a smile that would melt your wee heart.

“As indisputable but inexplicable as life on Earth” is the ODT’s unofficial motto.

The Otago Regional Council have restored a racial slur to an event title after it was taken away for being, you know, a racial slur.

What a wonderful day for Central Otago’s proud tradition of racism.

And finally, the ODT editor has big things on his mind,

I mean, we do a pretty good job of killing cows already. Just don’t get more after you kill them. Solved. You’re welcome. Facts & Figures Facts Truth is stranger than fiction

ODT Watch Post-Fact Canada is a Native American word meaning “Big Vil- lage” World Instead of "Once upon a time..." many Korean folk- tales begin with "Back when tigers used to smoke...”

If you laid a blue whale in Wemb- The last words of Albert Einstein were forever lost ley stadium end to end, the game because he spoke them in German, a language that would be cancelled the nurse attending him did not speak The shape of Shapes cracker is called The words "listen" and "silent" are anagrams of each a ‘shape shape’ other On average a person will eat eight spiders in their life if they It took two years to create the scene of the danc- like eating spiders ing baby Groot in the beginning of Guardians of the The "average person eats 8 spiders a year" factoid is actu- Galaxy Vol. 2 ally a statistical error. The median person eats 0 spiders per Dogs love squeaky toys because it mimics the year. Greg Hinderton, a mountain man, who lives in cave & screams of smaller prey eats over 10,000 each day, is an outlier and should not have been counted. On average a person will meet 80,000 people in a lifetime The cigarette lighter was originally invented as a bottle opener for forgetful people In Switzerland it's illegal to own only one guinea pig

If you try to eat a Polar Bear’s lover, you will die. because they get lonely

No one has ever seen Mark Ruffalo naked and lived to tell The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

the tale If you eat a polar bear's liver, you will die. Humans The Wiggles were originally a rock n roll band that sang about cannot handle that much vitamin A

doing sex and being on the drugs. ‘Fruit Salad’ was about The earliest evidence of cricket being played in New kinky food sex and ‘Big Red Car’ was a coked up joyride in Zealand is from Charles Darwin’s personal diary a stolen Ferrari The pornography industry is worth more than the Dinosaurs actually had big ears but nobody knows that NFL, MLB, and NBA combined because ears don't have bones The name of the shape of pringles is called a "Hyper- There is a tribe in the Amazon that never cuts the umbilical cord bolic Paraboloid" The average penis size is just a little bigger than yours The first thing the "Father of Microbiology," Anton van Because they have hair and produce milk, coconuts are tech- Leeuwenhoek, put under a microscope was semen. nically mammals. He understood that semen was integral to the cre- The sea is only 14% water ation of life but didn't yet understand the concept of 25% of the sun is helium, which is why it floats up in the sky single-cell organisms. He fully expected to see tiny little humans in his jizz

NEWS

By Joel MacManus

It’s Tuesday evening. Shaun Swain sits alone in the middle people didn’t get it at the time. It’s hard to think of a world without of the tenth row of the College Auditorium, surrounded by smartphones, but we lived in it.” empty chairs. He watches an empty stage with an intense, The plot is largely aligned to the series. There’s a group of flatmates, focused stare. Nothing happens. The stage lights beat down and one of them goes missing. The rest of the crew task themselves on empty wood. Then someone rushes in from the upstairs with finding him. They’re assisted by the police chief, who in this left entrance behind him. “Stop the lecture!” they scream. Then version is a campus watch officer. Alongside the chief is the Winona another person sprints in from the upstairs right. “Stop the Ryder character of the flatmate’s mother. Shaun says he “won’t reveal lecture!” Then more and more from the front left, front right, who that mother is, but it’s a pleasant surprise”. side entrances and onstage, spilling into the empty room, a cacophony of frantic movement and screaming voices. “STOP “It’s been great playing with really tight text. Last year it was more THE LECTURE!” physical and kind of a free-form romp. That was lovely too, but it’s been nice having to buckle down and figure out what makes a sketch “Alright, take a five minute break,” Shaun says. The actors sidle tick and deconstructing it and making it even better.” offstage to roll around on the floor making weird theatre kid noises. This year’s show will feature a Bollywood performance guest spot It’s one week until the opening night of Capping Show 2018, from the Indian Students' Association, as well as the ever-popular the final stretch of months of work. Auditions for actors were Selwyn Ballet (hahaha it’s funny because they’re boys but they’re the week after O Week, and writers have been working since wearing dresses and they do ballet but everyone knows dancing is partway through 2017. The final weekend before the show is a only for girls hahahahaha that’s comedy haha). non-stop 9am to midnight cram session of final rehearsals, tech and lighting, and a burst of promotion around the student area. While the Capping Show has pitched itself as “open discrimination against everyone,” Shaun says they are careful to toe the line between Right now, Shaun’s focus as director is piecing everything crude and offensive: “People like to say the Capping Show doesn’t together and making sure it doesn’t run too long. Technically have any boundaries, but that’s not entirely true.” At the start of the show should be no more than two and a half hours long, the writing session they put together a “hit list” of things that are but in previous years it has run as high as three hours. If it’s too topical, relevant to uni, and would make good jokes. They also have long they’ll have to cut sketches, which can be heartbreaking a list of things to avoid – no references to any kind of illegal sexual after spending so long perfecting them. “It’s a juggling act,” activity, child abuse, or bestiality. They also specifically avoid the Shaun says. “You need to make sure there’s time for actors to Christchurch earthquake. change. Between the main sketch and jumping in and out for the smaller sketches it’s like two different shows at the same time.” The 124th annual Capping Show runs from 16-19 May & 21-26 May, 7.30pm, at University of Otago College of Education Auditorium. The This year’s show, Scarfie Things, is based off the Netflix series cast and crew are promising big things. “It’s been lots of work, lots of Stranger Things, if you couldn’t tell. “There’s kind of a nostalgia hard work, but it’s paid off from what I’ve seen of rehearsals so far.” trip to 2008 instead of the '80s, it’s just faintly different enough ISSUE 11 that we don’t really give it enough credit for what it was,” Shaun says. “For example, the iPhone 1 had been released and a lot of

19 NEWS

THE BY JACOB HOUSTON CAPPING SHOW CULT

An inside look at what it’s like to be a part of the Capping Show.

You’ve just woken up, and you realise the world is in slow motion,” “says the director. All right, I’ll play George Bush just doing his regular thing. That’s pretty funny. But I guess that’s been done before; maybe I should just make a character. Yeah, I’ll play a farmer who thinks his molas- ses supplies have broken loose. And I’ll call my wife Barb — yeah, that’s a funny name.

All right, go!

That was a take on one of the most nerve-wracking parts of the Capping Show audition process. There’s some dancing involved, some pair work, but the improvisation is the best part (for those sitting on the sideline).

“You’re a superhero whose archnemesis is the sun.”

Those are the instructions for the next student auditioning.

“You’re a man trying to get people to join your cult.”

You’ve got seconds to think of something funny, and you’re in front of more than 30 other people your age who think they’re funny too. You’ve got to be funnier. And you’re sweaty. Much sweatier than usual. ISSUE 11

20 NEWS

The main script for the Capping Show is usually written by someone we had ever heard, and then about five hours later, we were all show- outside the show. The other half, with all the side gags and cut- ing off some of our writing. aways, is written by the cast and another group of writers. Fourteen The retreat provides a space for everyone to write, perform and people act, 10 people are writers (who help write the side gags), five develop their comedy skills together. Once the writing is done, we people are backstage and shift the sets for each scene, there’s your hand in all our manuscripts. The writers leave us. The directors pick makeup artist, the costume designer, the set designer, the chore- the best sketches, pick who plays them, and we start rehearsing. ographer, the producers, the assistant producers, the directors, the audio technicians, the lighting peeps and the music group. The schedule for rehearsals was very strict, taking up at least three hours every night. You don’t miss a rehearsal. Typically it starts off The whole thing kicks off with writing. You show up for three hours with warmups, before you split into sketches and play around. Then every night, grab a few mates, and start writing up something funny. you move onto harder rehearsals, in front of the directors, delivering I’m not very funny. I wrote a few good sketches (some even got your lines differently every time until you find something funny. into the script), but I also wrote a lot of shit. I think I wrote a sketch about a giant elephant that shows up throughout different scenes You work with lighting, sound effects, costumes and makeup until and just tells stupid elephant facts, and the punchline right at the things start to come together. Your uni assignment due date whizzes end of the show was that her name was “Irrelephant”. It’s a good by, and you fail by default. thing there’s a team there who make the cuts. Then comes the big weekend. You’re getting close to show time There’s also a Capping Show writers’ retreat. Sometime in the and the directors keep counting down the days. The weekend months before the show, all the actors and writers go off to an starts around 8am Saturday and doesn’t stop until 11pm that night. undisclosed location for a You’re there early on Sunday and night. You get shitfaced, you stay until 11pm that night. write a bunch of comedy An inside look at what it’s like to be a part of Then it all comes around to show and you play party games. the Capping Show, the process of getting into time. It’s hard to explain those We created a game that the production team and the build up to the precious, gorgeous hours before whenever the song “Hide grand performance. opening. You look outside the and Seek” by Imogen Heap changing rooms and see a mas- started playing, the lights sive line of people wanting to see were turned off and everyone had to run and hide. I don’t know your work. It’s a wonderful feeling knowing that everybody in this who was meant to start the search each time, but someone would. room is as excited as you. You do the warmups where you bleat like For the parties, OUSA supplied us with a keg or two, a couple of sheep and make the sound of wheat fields (don’t forget, most of us boxes of wine and some non-alcoholic stuff. Most of the time some- are theatre students), you smash two cans of V, and you hear the one would bring weed, and in my years it was usually the legal Thai hall outside fill with chatter. High shit. But you’re still theatre kids. So you rock out to “Bohemian It’s tradition to dance to the music on stage before curtains open, so Rhapsody,” everyone gets drunk off three beers, and everyone is it’ll probably be shaking about as we try to amp ourselves up. Energy trying to get each other’s attention and make each other laugh. is such a big thing and it has to beat nerves. The stage clears, the There are often strange traditions at every party. At midnight, there intro video plays and finishes. You’re bouncing on the spot to keep is a weird eating challenge. I believe I once ate an entire can of your energy high. People might be cheering — it depends on the raw baked beans but, even then, that pales in comparison to a crowd. The curtains rustle open, and you hear your cue. So much guy who had to eat an entire orange (skin included). One of these preparation, so much effort and so much time, but not just your parties was at my old flat on Howe Street, and there are proba- time — that’s the thing. So many people have invested in this, in you; bly still orange skin vomit remains behind the house. I’ve also got all these people are ingredients and the audience wants a slice of a video of some people eating a big raw potato and an entire the cake you’re dishing up. Don’t drop it. banana — skin and all. No one ever forgets their first laugh. It’s indescribable. It’s a wave of When I wrote and acted in the Capping Show, most people wrote sound that brings you unequivocal happiness. It’s literally the best good stuff, but there were a few that really stood out. A talented sound you could ask for in that situation.

trio wrote a skit around Maui and the Son (not sun). At the writers’ ISSUE 11 retreat we were blown away by some of the best amateur comedy

21 HOROSCOPES

Aquarius: Pisces: Jan 20 − Feb 18 Feb 19 − Mar 20 Not the main gods, but some of the demigods are say- This week is all ‘bout rolling around in the leaves before ing that you’ll have a slightly less busy week than doing they turn into a pooey kind of earth sludge. Also, it’s high two new different kinds of drugs and/or swallowing a time you learned the difference between Beyoncé and whole bottle of Dettol. Rihanna. The gods are offended. Very offended. Recom- Recommended Celebrity Stalk: Lana Del Rey mended Celebrity Stalk: Rihanna or Beyoncé Aries: Taurus: Mar 21 − Apr 19 Apr 20 − May 20 You’ve had a rough few weeks. Don’t worry, soon you’ll Dionysus is here for the season. It’s winter, winter is cold, realise that the imposter you think you are is actually perfect weather for the internal convection method of just who you are, and you’re not an imposter. Athena is heating. Costing approx. $10-15 a week (bottle of wine), on your side, and not just the smartness, but the wis- and some memories of BYOs you’ll never remember. dom too. She’s telling you to step back, and let it go. Recommended Celebrity Stalk: Lindsay Lohan Recommended Celebrity Stalk: Peter Dinklage Gemini: Cancer: May 21 − Jun 20 Jun 21 − July 22 Your ascendant is in the house of Apollo, you are gift- Gods and Stars, Gods and Stars. Demeter seems like the rele- ed the weekly goals of exercise and beauty, in another vant god for you this week. Instead of eating rice bubbles for fruitless attempt to regain the amazing body you had breakfasts, you’ll make the healthy change to a bag of pods, two years go and also to find some magic shrooms. milk poured directly into the bag. Perfect for those hiberna- Recommended Celebrity Stalk: Robert Downey Jr. tion layers.Recommended Celebrity Stalk: Toby Maguire Leo: Virgo: July 23 − Aug 22 Aug 23 − Sept 22 Nothing makes sense, people aren’t important, just The stars want you to substitute your coffee for more keep moving. Chaos is in your primal house, subse- water. Mainly just to check that your pee is orange quently, unfortunately, this week will be full of chaos because you’re dehydrated and not because you have a kidney infection or worse. In other news, knee-high and a smidge of theatrics. socks for dudes are the go. Recommended Celebrity Stalk: Leo Di Cap Recommended Celebrity Stalk: Suzie Kato Libra: Scorpio: Sept 23 − Oct 22 Oct 23 − Nov 21 It’s getting tougher and tougher for you to dry your Stop sending nudes to Kim Kardashian over Twitter. It’s clothes and sheets and your skin etc. Hades wants you to not going to work. know that it never gets better. He also wants you to know Recommended Celebrity Stalk: David Hasselhoff that if you get a small air heater and aim it at your bed for ten mins before sleep, you’ll reduce sinus infections. Recommended Celebrity Stalk: J Cole Sagittarius: Capricorn: Nov 22 − Dec 21 Dec 22 − Jan 19 Celestial data is suggesting that it's time to vacuum the It’s time to assess the tortograph, and check the stars, flat like you keep threatening to do. While you’re at and just make sure you’re consulting the star charts be- it, please pick those used condoms off the floor. The fore your construct your study plan. A poop meteor is weekend is over. It’s been too long. going to very nearly collide with you, and you best be Recommended Celebrity Stalk: Migos prepared before it does. Recommended Celebrity Stalk: Singer Songwriter Cher ISSUE 11

22 GAMES&PUZZLES

SUDOKU CROSSWORD Easy 1 9 5 2 2 3 4 6 3 9 1 5 2 8 3 9 1 5 5 6 6 2 9 8 7 3 7

1 5 6 8

3 9 4 8 2 9

6 5 3 10

2 7 6 11

12 13

Medium 14

6 9 5 1 15 16 2 3

3 1 9 7 17 18 5 1 9 4 19 3 5 9 9 3 6 5

20 3 9 7 8

7 2 ACROSS DOWN 5 6 3 7 2. Mr. Burns' first name (from The Simpsons) (7) 1. Salt-N-Pepa hit, ______It (4) 7. $7 a bottle at Countdown, ______wine (9) 2. Famous magician, Harry ______(7) 8. Sideways 8 (8) 3. Hummus ingredient (6) Hard 9. Percussion instrument that produces a sharp 5. ______Theorem: a squared + b squared = c 2 7 staccato sound when the head is struck with a squared. (10) drum stick (5, 4) 6. A double eagle in golf (9) 8 5 3 7 11. Mr. Burns' middle name (from The Simpsons) 10. May 17 is ______National Day (9) 3 2 4 5 (10) 12. Central offensive player in basketball, ______15. Mineral that your teeth are made of (7) guard (5) 8 2 16. NZ internet comedian who does Paula Bennet 13. Dunedin plays home to a few of these - magic 1 3 satire, Tom ______(9) ______(9) 6 1 17. The snake that killed Cleopatra (3) 14. Japanese horseradish (6) 19. Big wave surfing spot off the northern Califor- 18. Space telescope due to launch in 2020, James 6 8 7 5 nian Coast (9) _____ (4) 9 7 4 6 20. Ancient South Asian language (8)

6 4 18.Webb 14.Wasabi 13.Mushrooms 12.Point 10.Norwegian 6.Albatross 5.Pythagoras 4.Tahini 3.Houdini 1.Push Down: skrit. - 20.San 19.Mavericks 17.Asp 16.Sainsbury 15.Apatite 11.Montgomery Drum 9.Snare 8.Infinity 7.Cleanskin 2.Charles Across: ISSUE 11

23 Michael Bollen CULTURE ISSUE 11

25 FEATURES Midwife Crisis ISSUE 11

26 FEATURES

Babies are the shitty, screaming, harbin- (and even from overseas), to share our gers of shit that are one of the ‘perks’ of incredible stories, and be heard by settling down and becoming an actual those in power”. adult. Luckily most of us are not in Gore, Currently, rural midwifes are “strug- so it’s not something we have to con- gling to get by on $7.23 an hour” after sider for at least a few more years. their various expenses. “With such low And even better, there’s a whole pro- pay, they are often unable to do basic fession dedicated to making that whole things like pay their rent or mortgage – miserable process so much easier. Mid- let alone pay for fuel, car maintenance, wives (not, contrary to popular belief, ongoing education, medical equipment, what you call your fiancée), dedicate and locum cover for some time off their lives to making pushing a god- work.” Charlie has even had to call her damn human out of genitals actually mum and ask for money to put fuel in possible – and for that alone they her tank to get to work. should be millionaires. That’s something that your parents will Unfortunately, that’s not how it works. A give you shit for as a student, yet adult recent casual walk to Rob Roy revealed medical professionals are having to do

midwifery is undervalued and disrespected as a profession because it is female dominated two things: one, we actually have an MP this? In a totally unrelated segue, want in Dunedin, and two, that his office is to guess how much the CEO of Sky City absolutely covered in letters. They were was paid in 2016? Just under 6.5 mil- letters from midwives all over New Zea- lion dollars. That’s $3,125 an hour. But land, telling David Clark, the Minister running a shit casino and a tall tower of Health, about the awful conditions is far more important than helping our they are working in. Women are going next generation be born, right? Now I’m into debt, struggling to feed their not saying eat the rich and burn down families and – worst of all the system, but I’m not necessarily con- – having to move to Aus- demning it either. tralia. It was enough to put me off my ice Of the letters Charlie had received from cream. other midwives in New Zealand, two really stuck out to her. “The most heartbreak- The movement is ing was a midwife who was miscarrying called “Dear David”. By and couldn’t afford to pay anyone to take plastering letters from over from her caseload for longer than two midwives to David Clark’s days. She delivered another woman’s baby office, hopefully he, or at least while miscarrying her own. his secretary when they took them down, would be forced to read them Another midwife wet herself after going and understand the situation these hours on end with no break.” Long people are in. As organiser Charlie hours and hard days were expected in Ferris put it, “This campaign aims to the industry, but no one signed up for, create a clear and united voice of mid- or should be having to go through, this, ISSUE 11 wives and women across the country especially for such shit pay.

27 FEATURES

And they’ve been leaving in droves, postnatal period. It’s about being an mostly to Australia, where they can advocate for pregnancy and birth as a perform the same job at actually live- normal life event, and working alongside able wages. Who would have thought other health professionals if things ven- – when you don’t pay people a liveable ture outside of the normal.” wage, they won’t be able to work any- Despite seeing the state of the industry more! first-hand, Rose says it has not made her Otago Polytech Midwifery student any less passionate to finish her degree Rosie Naylor said she wants to be a and work as a midwife, but “I definitely midwife because she is a passionate hope that the situation will get better feminist and an advocate for wom- by the time I graduate.” en’s health. But she says “The current Fortunately, there may be changes situation can seem very daunting at coming in soon. The New Zealand Col- times. I had to unfollow the Dear David lege of Midwives and the Ministry of facebook page because it was too over- Health have managed to negotiate for whelming to be constantly reading the a new method of funding independent posts while scrolling through facebook.”

“She delivered another woman’s baby while miscarrying her own”

“As students we see it all – we see midwives. According to Charlie, “they the overworked core midwives in the will have business costs covered, there understaffed maternity wards; we work will be money for a second midwife with the LMC midwives who when needed (e.g. for long births or are burnt out, sleep deprived emergencies), and we will also be able to and seriously underpaid for the pay for a locum midwife when needed.” work that they do. I get frustrated But while the agreement has been because it really is such incredibly valu- negotiated, agreed upon and signed, it able work – and I feel like midwifery is still needs to be put into practice and undervalued and disrespected as a pro- funded by May 2018 in the next budget. fession because it is female dominated.” Reaching out to David’s office for com- “We don't do it because we love cud- ment returned a press statement that, dling babies – there’s a whole lot more while sounding good, was a bit of a to it than that. It’s about supporting and mixed bag. Shock, horror, a politician empowering women in their journey of being ambiguous? Although he does pregnancy, labour, birth and the 6-week “accept that there is a problem here . ISSUE 11

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. . [and that] there are issues of profes- Now you may be asking yourself, as sional isolation, burnout and attrition,” you read this in the Link drinking that he goes on to warn that it can’t just be brown water they call coffee, ‘why do fixed straight away in the first budget. I give a shit? This isn’t a student issue.’ But this is an issue for all of us. Never Labour claims it still has a lot to fix from mind that some of us will end up being the last government’s actions, which parents far earlier than we may think, pulled money from our public services most likely due to our extreme idiocy like it was a particularly plump ponytail. when it comes to actually using contra- In David’s words, “They chose to ceptives properly (wrap it up for fuck’s favour tax cuts over our public health sake). It’s one of the many issues that system.” Which is basically politician have been building up for a long time speak for they were tossers. But so far and is just about ready to become a full- on this issue, it’s all just words from blown crisis. the Labour Party. It’s not going to be Otago students voted overwhelemingly until the budget is revealed that we’ll in support of the new government. actually know how much we can count 68% of votes at campus polling booths on Labour to hold to their promises. As went to the left bloc of Labour and the Charlie told me, “They campaigned hard Greens, and that goes up to 74% if you to be the ones to fix this, and they have include TOP. the responsibility to turn this around before we hit a real crisis point.” We went nuts for Jacinda, for the poli- cies that were easy to sell and to relate And now, other parts of the health to us, like higher Studylink and free ter- services are speaking out about their tiary fees (and if you didn’t, don’t you treatment as well. Nurses are cur- have a 100 level BCom class to not pay rently voting throughout New Zealand attention in?). on whether to go on strike to protest their treatment and pay. As one nurse But that shouldn’t be where we stop explained, “Nurses have been under- caring. When it comes to other issues, valued for many years whilst others like the midwife crisis, we should be around the world and in other areas of aware of it, and hold Labour account- employment move forward.” Does that able. Yes, it’s not as exciting, and it sound familiar? doesn’t benefit most of you right this second. But if (and I’m not saying they Another nurse said that although she will) Labour goes backward even slightly, saw nursing “as both a passion and a they have got to be called the fuck out. vocation . . . that is not a reason or an excuse to continue to accept a low pay Do you really want to be giving birth that does not acknowledge both the to your little Hyde Street mistake in a experience we bring and responsibility bathtub by yourself? we carry.” ISSUE 11

29 ISSUE 11 FEATURES

crossfatwe scheduledinsomeclasses. basic of pursuits) anduponcheckingthat I was ableto dosomefoundation exercises (squats! ugh!), be scaledfor alllevels (I was skeptical aboutthis,as generally Iam too used-up for even themost during thefirst week to see what Ithought. He was alovely man whoassured methat things could After a consultation withthe owner, Jeff, it was determined that I would comein for three classes story of my first week. eager guidance of my super-fit lifelong friend Sheree, Ijoined Dunedin’s CrossFit Uncut. Here isthe blance of agentle incline,andsoIdecidedthat I would become oneof thefitnesselite. With the Being ageology student hasonly solemnly reminded mejusthow shitIamat walking upany sem go for a45-minute walk before our coffee date, thankyouverymuch. of strength, grace andhealth. And it’s starting to get tiresome beingthe fatty that doesn’t want to My friends,ontheother hand,have remained infuriatingly gorgeous Lululemon-encrusted examples sadly. accompanied by carb-ladenfood andquality banter, which isnot actually athingthat burnscalories, a capableandfitdancer’s body hasslowly deteriorated into good hugsandheavy partying,usually I’m thefirst to admitit;I’ve gone incredibly soft andsedentary since highschool. What used tobe 30

By ChelleFitzgerald - FEATURES

Monday: Tuesday: Friday: I was scared shitless. As an aside, I really Getting out of bed was a struggle. Walking Go to hell, world. My body is no longer my needed to enjoy this, because if not, I’d up the stairs was a struggle. Walking down own. We are at war. find a way to talk myself out of it (I once the stairs was a struggle. I wore my full- talked myself out of a BodyPump class body muscle ache as a badge of honour. when I was already there and had set up “Oh, no it’s okay,” I assured the judgmental Saturday: my bench). Plus, what was I even going to bitch that glared at me as I took the lift Enthused about having a class with a be able to do? Six starjumps followed by 1 up a measly two floors. “I have sore legs couple of my friends, including Sheree (the x rep of a stroke? from CrossFit,” I added proudly, wielding instigator of all this madness), I trundled 9.15am approached and I got myself down a banana within eyesight (see? I’m health on down to the box (CrossFit gym) at mid- to the CrossFit box. Unsure of what the personified, bitch). day. There were cones and ladders set up hell to do, I stood there nervously while At lunchtime, I spent time peering out the on the floor and I couldn’t have been more people with actual muscles did fit people office window at some brave people who alarmed than if we were being given the things, like breathing with ease. The were doing a really cringey-looking free beep test (which is legitimately a thing that instructor, Suz, was super nice and assured exercise class on the quad lawn. It’s no happens at CrossFit, for those of you who me I’d be okay. CrossFit, I thought smugly as I struggled to delighted in leaving the beep test behind After a warmup that is probably easy for sit down at my computer. with your virginity). We were working on regular people yet left me red and sweaty, speed and agility, the first of which I would we started with skipping, which is some- Wednesday: have loved a line of, thankyouverymuch, thing that I hadn’t attempted since the mid I treated myself to lots of lasagne. “Treat and the second of which has eluded me ‘90s, when Jump Rope For Heart was all yo’self!” I exclaimed ecstatically to myself, for the past 15 years. We had to run. In the rage. Unbelievably, I could still do this, spilling food all down my shirt while front of everybody. While being timed. For opting for single skips while praying for my binge-watching Friends. I had earned this the record, I managed to run around some boobs, which were determined, it seemed, lasagne. tyres and cones in 24 seconds. Everyone to escape the clutches of my bra. Fuck you, else did it in around 17-19 seconds, and boobs. Mental note to self: go to Bendon I think I nearly had a stroke, which I was on payday, or invest in some duct tape. told isn’t actually something that I can Thursday: We moved from skipping to “back squats” proudly record on my CrossFit perfor- 6.15am. What the actual fuck? Why was I – squatting with a bar laden with weights mance stats. Never mind. standing bleary-eyed in this large cold hall, on your back – which I heroically did surrounded by men with muscles doing with no barbell. Honestly, squatting my “split jerks”? own vast bodyweight would have been Sunday: What’s a “split jerk”? Holding a bar over more than what the sporty people were Ah, the day of rest. And food. I ate back my head felt weird. I’m far more accus- doing on their barbells. So pretty much I in calories absolutely everything that tomed to gripping hot dogs and penises. was a machine. Discovering that I could I burned this week doing CrossFit, re- Also, you can’t eat a metal bar. I know this, actually do regular squats properly was a carbed up and ready to take on another because I tried. revelation – my first anointment into the week (that’s how this exercise and nutri- There were more squats and more skip- Halls of the Fitness Elite. We also had to tion thing works, right?). ping. Also lifting more things above my step over boxes, holding dumbbells, and I #wellness. head. I wanted bed. I wanted a hot dog. saw no shame in having the smallest box by at least 50%. I also held no dumbbells. Character building, I thought to myself. A lesson in humility. I actually finished the WOD (workout of the day), and left feeling amazing. Exhausted, but AMAZING. I spent the rest of the day looking at recipes involving wholemeal spaghetti and spin- ach. No, really. I also treated myself to the following: flossing before bed, and more water than usual. ISSUE 11 #newbodywhodis

31 ISSUE 11 FEATURES 32

FEATURES

OK boys and girls, ladies and gents, strap So we’re in bed, and I’m still in my skinny yourself in because boy do I have a story jeans, but he doesn’t reach for his laptop, for you. instead he reaches for me and since it’s been a while since a boy showed any actual I am a first-year health science student affection for me I let him. A typical teenage who has recently been freed from a messy sloppy make out session was in full swing relationship, and I’ve been looking to get when he became a little more than just back on the horse - so naturally I turned affectionate. I stopped him, staying true to to Tinder. Armed with a witty bio about my inner promise and he agreed to chill out. fresher fetish (a definite thing judging We cuddled and talked; he told me about by the responses, btw) and some snazzy his ex and I told him about mine. We have a yet saucy Rhythm & Alps pics from the lot in common and he seems really great – summer, I set about swiping all possible certainly not the Tinder murder mystery that bachelors. I had envisioned in my head when I saw first saw his sex dungeon/sex attic. I was looking at endless dead animal pho- to shoots and receiving some of the most He finds me funny, which is a rarity, and he mind-bogglingly rude pick-up lines, when begins to play with my hair. Most women a familiar face popped up on my screen - a out there will agree with me that when schoolmate of my ex, and a good looking someone plays with your hair, the game is one at that. I swipe right and boom, im- well and truly over. I snuggle closer, and mediate match. Conversation ensues, and apparently that constitutes a green light as we are hitting it off. we begin round two of tonsil hockey. This time it’s different; we are more comfortable, A week and a bit pass and he invites me and he is more sober; clothes are removed, to his flat. I politely decline, as I don’t and the windows steam up ever so slightly want to seem too interested. The old cat (could be to do with the altitude – but I’m and mouse routine works a treat though, unsure). One thing leads to another and you because when Saturday 21st April rolls can fill in the blanks. around, I get another message. Yes, that was the day of Hyde. That was a red flag. I feel a little pissed off I’ve broken my personal promise, but in the moment my He asks if I will be in town tonight, I say choices seem to be very rewarding. maybe, and he gives me his number in case I do go out. Explosions and fireworks ensue as the finale comes to a successful end. Endorphins flood I decide not to, and have a girls night in; it my brain and I roll over into a happy little was a good night but I was alone by 11:30 ball. He gets out of bed, grabs his phone and, with nothing to do, I flick him a text: and pulls out a dart; he asks if I want to join “I’m in bed, what are you up to?” Turns him outside for one, and I decline and ask out he’s in bed too; he invites me round for a glass of water instead. He tells me to to watch a movie and chill out. I put on keep the bed warm as he climbs down out skinny jeans (the ultimate ‘not tonight, no of the now confirmed sex attic. I text all my sex allowed’ barrier) and I make myself a friends with the updates and do my best to promise to not sleep with this boy. look somewhat dignified for his return. Ten minutes go by and he hasn’t come back, so I He meets me on the end of the street, in send him a cheeky text along the lines of “I jandals (off to a great start), and he leads hope you haven’t died”. me into his maze of a flat. His room is the attic but it feels more like a dungeon. Then another ten minutes pass, and I He explains why his bed has no base haven’t heard anything, and he has not re- and because we’re on Hyde, I accept the turned. I send another text message, as I am explanation. now genuinely worried about his wellbeing. He and his room smell like a mix of darts, I ask if he is okay and I still don’t get a reply. ISSUE 11 cruisers and nail polish remover but again, It is now 2:40am and my exhaustion takes because it’s Hyde, I don’t think much of it. over, so I end up falling asleep.

33 ISSUE 11 FEATURES What thefuck? So, Iposethis questionto Critic and its readers: nothingness. into one another. Our eyes lockand what doIget? Silence. Pure what typesof carbs will beontonight’s menu, when we bump St. Dave after another souldraining 3pmchemsesh,checking sci more thanahealthscihates themselves’ life. I’mleaving Cut to current day, I’mlivingmy best‘noonehates ahealth wipe himfrom my mind. Active. Alive. Asshole.Idecidethat thisisthefinalstraw, and it, thelittlegreen dot besidehisprofile picture on Facebook. wins top marksfor committing tohiscause. That’s whenIsee This boy isan Amelia Earheart copycat of thefinest form. He cerned you might bedead,let meknow?” Again, nothing. At 8pmthat night Isendanother text: “Hey, justgenuinely con- Nada. Zilch. even a“that was funbut we shouldn’t doitagain,” butnothing. I wake upexpecting an“Iamsosorry aboutthat” text, or maybe 9:30am. I get into my singlebedandmanage to sleepright upuntil to know Iamokay, butreceive noanswer, soobviously not. I ringhimonelasttime,asmaybe heheard meleave and wants I make abreak for itandsprint the whole way home. I domy bestto orientate myself andmanage to findasidedoor. ing my mind isthat IaminaStephen Kingpsychological thriller. My logical brain haslonggone, andtheonly thought now cross not asoulawake inthisflat. I enter akitchen andthefridge door is wide open. Yet there is I thennotice another light. post-Hyde Houdini was lookingfor something inthebathroom? more bathrooms with lights onandnooneinthem.Maybe my response isinoverdrive andIcreep down thestairs,only to find the doorsare wide openandnooneisup.My fight or flight part of thetop floor. Inotice the bathroom lights are onbut I clamber down the world’s steepest stairsandinto themain This is when Idecideto get thefuckoutof there. perished inapoolof tacticalspew. It goes straight to voicemail. be ableto hear hisringtone downstairs andcheckhehasn’t looking more andmore likely. Idecideto ringhim,maybe I will two hours since heleft and my death by Tinder murder is An hour andabitlater I wake up,alone.It hasnow beenalmost - GIRL S BEHIND THE GAMES

The following is a personal account and does not reflect the opinions of my employer.

Lisa Blakie is a Community Manager and AWARD WINNING Nar- made up of women. Even worse in New Zealand, just 17% of rative Designer in the video game industry. She works at Runaway employees in games are women. Even WORSE worse, according to Play, a mobile games studio located right here in Dunedin. Together the International Game Developers Association (IGDA), less than with colleagues Caroline, Zoe, Emma and Leanne, she started a 4% identify as transgender and less than 2% as “other.” 68% of the global viral campaign, called #GirlsBehindTheGames, that encour- industry chose to identify as white/Caucasian/European. Aborigi- aged thousands of women to speak about their roles and their nal, or indigenous people represented 2%, and those identifying as meaning and their importance in the games industry. black/African American or African made up 1%. The games industry as a whole looks like a bunch of pieces of dry spaghetti. At Runaway Play, we are almost at gender parity, with people from Why do I love games if I’m a lady? Honestly I don’t know – games

different countries, ethnicities and backgrounds. It’s what we like ISSUE 11 to call diversity. So why is this seen as special, different or worth are fun. I played them as a kid and haven’t really stopped since. I talking about? Globally, only 22% of the video game industry is self-taught myself academic theory around games, I work in the

35 CULTURE games industry, I write about games, I read books about games, I listen to podcasts about games, I watch people on YouTube play games, I wear t-shirts with games branding on them. I eat out of Pokémon cereal bowls, for goodness’ sake.

And yet, games are still not seen as being for me.

They are shooty-bang, violent and harmful for the children. They are addictive and encourage gambling. They turn people into serial killers. They are a waste of time. They are “low culture”. Which of course, is all bullshit. Scientifically proven bullshit. But still, I am often met with a cocked head of confusion when introducing myself and explaining that what I do as a career or hobby involves video games, especially as a woman. This is funny when I bring it up talking to straight men, because apparently it’s really sexy to be interested in games as a woman. Ooooh, you enjoy something that’s traditionally marketed towards ME? That’s hot. I see you as not like other women, who clearly are trash because they do not enjoy or understand the complex medium of video games that I have been conditioned to feel entitled over. That’s my impression of an entitled gamer dude bro.

That being said, I strongly feel that in the games industry, things are improving – albeit at snail’s pace. In main- stream media however, they are not. Some sort of gam- ing controversy pops up, like how loot boxes encourage gambling, or how school shootings are linked to violence in video games (they aren’t). Traditional media go hard on this. They’re not one to highlight the positives, especially when it comes to video games.

But games have innovated, becoming more accessible on mobile platforms, although these have another stigma towards them altogether. “Candy Crush Saga is a time waster, mobile games are generally for your mum any- way, so they don’t count”. No Brian, mobile games have simply innovated for inclusion so that people like your mum can play games. Despite this, stigma to the word “gamer” is still apparent. My mum plays our game Splash: Ocean Sanctuary every single day, but swears she isn’t a gamer. It’s because she doesn’t identify with the culture. But who even cares? You don’t have to identify or label yourself to enjoy a medium of entertainment.

I had an interview with a traditional radio station and their first question was, “most people think of guns and cars when they think video games . . . you’re a bit different?”

At least it’s guns and cars now. Mario Kart go hard as hell. ISSUE 11

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Then you go to Play by Play. A games festival, here in New Zealand, that encourages kids to work in games, with all-girl specific workshops and a conference with a diverse range of speakers from different ethnicities, genders, sexualities and professions.

When I went to the Game Developers Conference in San Francisco, I saw three people dressed as furries and someone wearing elf ears. There were diversity advocate roundtables, talks about player inclusivity, and highlighting of problems with conventional Eurocentric game design. While the sea of over 30,000 attendees was largely white men (with beards and/or glasses), the content at the conference is highlighting the needs, wants and success of a more diverse industry.

#GirlsBehindTheGames showed us that the global indus- try wants this to be the norm too. We were approached by Bioware (Mass Effect, Dragon Age), Electronic Arts (The Sims, FIFA, Madden), Riot Games (League of Legends), as well as indie companies like Snowman (Alto’s Adventure) and usTwo games (Monument Valley) to participate in Twitter takeovers, where they would highlight women who work at their companies on Twitter. If I had seen this as a high schooler, who was on Twitter at the time only to follow members of Panic at the Disco, perhaps it would have made my career path a little clearer and I wouldn’t have wasted a year studying, and failing, law.

#GirlsBehindTheGames even attracted attention from our very own Prime Minister, Jacinda Ardern. She came and visited us in our office, speaking with us about the initiative, and also created a video to show support for the campaign, encouraging diversity in male dominated fields of work.

It gives me hope – it’s an exciting time for game develop- ment. Game making resources are free and more accessi- ble than ever – to those with computers and internet, of course. If you want to work in games, show this to your worried mum, dad or caregiver please; in New Zealand the video game industry is a viable, secure and profitable career to be in. Take it from me, your local award winning Narrative Designer, working in games is dope. You can be a programmer, an artist, a marketer, a community manag- er, a game designer, a narrative designer, a researcher, a tester, a writer. The list is ongoing. If you want to work in games, don’t let the stereotypes negate your feelings and passion, especially if you’re currently misrepresented in the industry – as a Māori woman, I am too! It actually just makes you cooler. ISSUE 11

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38 CULTURE

IF I’M ANXIOUS

By Eliana Gray

I’ve been wishing hard On every seed catch wooden railing first star For those moments I’m afraid of For the moments that I love

It’s like dust The way the terror settles on everything The way you forget that it’s there Until you run your fingertips and come up coated Say ‘Oh, how long it must have been’

I developed a cough

A violent shudder The lungs contracted Obligated to refuse the collection Of the long thread of history Drawn with every breath Saying ‘I never noticed how bad it had be- come’

When I first came here I developed a reaction A difficulty of breath From the pollen in the air filled the wishes More vital than dust Just as fearful ISSUE 11

39 CULTURE FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT IMPROV

Dunedin improv troupe “Improsaurus” – the professional arm of the called “blocking”. So like, if your scene partner said “grab that knife” Otago University Improvised Theatre Club – has just launched their and you said “it’s not a knife, it’s a carrot” it would ruin the flow of ‘All-Stars’ season of fortnightly shows. While the closure of Fortune the scene – now you are arguing about whether this is a carrot or a Theatre was a blow, their next show is at Allen Hall, and they are knife, as opposed to grabbing the knife and single-handedly killing announcing a new location soon. We sat down with troupe member, all the zombies that are attacking your town! poet and local hottie Kate Skinner to get some insight into what the hell improv is. What drives the plot? Such a great question! Plot is one of the skills we practice a lot. So do you just like, make everything up? The platform is usually set in the first scene, where we introduce We do! Some people claim we don’t, but we do. We have a theme the characters and “normalcy”. Then they encounter a problem that for the show , but at the beginning of the show we will ask for some changes normal life. Then something has to happen to accentuate audience inspiration. That inspiration guides the entirety of the that or make it worse, then we reach some sort of major climax. The show: characters, scenes, dialogue, plot, basically everything. That final key is the resolution, probably the hardest part. The plot needs is how last season, a prompt of ‘Superbad’ turned into a show about to wrap-up, but you also want the characters to change in some way a superhero who smashes cars. – it isn’t interesting to watch the characters just go back to their old lives – they just saved the world! How does a show work? So we have around six performers, and an MC on the night and they What’s the worst Ask For you’ve ever had? will explain to the audience what improv is and practise doing “Ask People love stuff involving sex, such as prostitutes or dildos. We For” questions. The MC comes up with the format for the show, did a documentary themed show and we asked for the topic of the which is basically a theme that the show is based around. So for doco and we got crayons. CRAYONS? As a team, we knew very little example, it could be a game show, or surviving an apocalypse, or about crayons, but we ended up doing three scenes about different a high school romance, which gives us some direction as to what types of crayon colours. It was still a blast! characters to expect and what the climax could be. What’s the scariest thing that’s ever How do we know it’s improvised? happened to you on stage? That’s where the Ask For comes in. So the MC will say to the Because you can’t predict what your partner is going to say, you audience something like “Name a non-geographical location,” or can sometimes find yourself in a strange scene. If we ever end up “Name an unusual object”. That’s what keeps us honest – we can’t in a position where we feel we uncomfortable we just end it, no possibly prepare for what the audience is going to say. And you can questions asked. As for screwing up, we are all friends and support- normally tell because, even in a fantastic show, we’ll sometimes ive of each other. Improv is far better when you trust your partner, make mistakes, like forgetting a character’s name, or walking into which includes making your partner look good and being nice if a a space that was just set as a giant hole, or contradicting what was scene doesn’t go so well. Plus, we are our harshest critics, and the previously said. For us, that is bad improv, and we work really hard audience usually enjoys even the scenes we hate! to NOT make those mistakes, but, to be honest, that is sometimes where the joy of the show comes from. Are there any shows coming up that you’re particularly looking forward to? Do you practice? If it is all made up, why would you? Our current season is ‘All-Star’ themed, it’s all made up of formats A lot of the time people ask if we practise for the show. We do, but that we used in the past that worked really well. On Friday the 18th that doesn’t mean we plan scenes, we just practise the skills asso- of May, 10:30pm at Allen Hall, we are doing an Armando, which ciated with improv to keep our minds sharp and agile. For example, a variety of monologues and short scenes. After that, we’re doing the fundamental rule of improv is that you have to say yes to every- “Improsaurus: The Musical” a fully improvised musical, songs and all. thing. In fact, you have to say “yes, and…” Not accepting an offer is The shows only cost $10 and are a blast! ISSUE 11

40 CULTURE

GAME REVIEW: DAD OF WAR By Lisa Blakie

The last time I played God of War was when I was a small high bond between Atreus and Kratos that had me hooked. Their dia- school bean. I was really into Greek mythology because I was a logue as well as movement in the game is so well crafted. fucking loser nerd and was PUMPED to play a video game sur- Dads, or Dad-like figures are fairly popular in video games. Take rounding the myths and legends I had come to love. Mainly due to The Last of Us, The Walking Dead and Dream Daddy, for example. the silly quicktime sex scenes (hello, remember I was 14, thanks) Three completely different games with Daddy figures that are all and gratuitous violence I was INTO IT. After playing the first God unique and memorable in their own way. I wish someone would of War, I didn’t get to play any of the future games in the franchise do this with Mums in video games but lol, that’s a whole other due to my new-found love of RPGs aka hot anime boys in Final article. God of War is the same. Kratos still holds his character true Fantasy and Kingdom Hearts. to the previous God of War games, but now has a tiny little feisty baby boy to see over. Atreus is a typical curious child, boasting his Fast-forward ten years. Holy SHIT I am OLD. I am spending ANZAC knowledge about the stories of the land while also questioning Day sitting in the same spot on the couch fully engrossed in a new everything, even the core gameplay. He asks things like “why don’t God of War game. I think I rose briefly to pee, do a small house we talk to these people first?” or, “do we really need to fight?” clean and get my washing in. That’s enough responsibility for today, Questions I often ask myself while playing games. But of course Lisa. Time for some bad posture inducing scoliosis on the couch you need to fight, it’s a God of War game however these little and throwing M&M’s at my face. touches dialogue from Atreus really made me appreciate why I am fighting in the first place. There is reason for the violence, rather The internet has fondly named the game Dad of War due to the than just a given unspoken understanding of “well, that’s just how new characterisation of Kratos. Formerly a burly unforgiving killing games work!” machine, he has chilled out, perhaps due to the influence of his family. The most important person in that family is our tiny angry Every time you die, Arteus screams heartbreaking shrill cries of son Atreus. Only eight or so hours into the game I am in love. My “NO, don’t leave me alone here!” or “FATHER!” but he also does this flatmate was shook. He could not believe I had spent $100 on a sweet thing where he can resurrect you. Kratos holds Atreus on his game focused on killing and death and war when I typically am a back while climbing, boosts him up to higher places, makes classic hard defender of games with non-violent mechanics. My love for “are we there yet?” remarks, he even helps you in battle. The two are this game stems from the relationship between Kratos and Atreus. an inseparable team. Atreus can’t be without Kratos and vice versa, I am all about relationships in games. Although it’s not about dating the relationship is so tightly interwoven into the gameplay, which Kratos (I would though), it’s the formation of the slow growing is something I would LOVE to see more triple A games do. ISSUE 11

41 COLUMNS

Dunedin Flat Names Project – Double The Fun

Sarah Gallagher | CC BY NC | Dunedin Flat Names Project | www.dunedinflatnames.co.nz

One thing I often hear is that students like their flats to have a ‘bit of character’ the neighbouring flat’s name, or may refer to both flats deliberately, often for in their first couple of years flatting. ‘Character’ can often be synonymous with humorous reasons. cold or crappy, because toughing it out in an old, cold flat is considered ‘charac- ter building,’ ‘a rite of passage,’or a ‘badge of courage’. It certainly provides for Wahaha and Hahaha; Smackdown and Raw; Old Block and Chip off the Old rich story fodder in the years to come about how you developed a lung infection Block; B1 and B2 (Bananas in Pyjamas) are all neighbouring houses, most shar- from black mould, or that huge orange fungus that took up residence in the ing a firewall, while 660 and Almost Famous, and The Lighthouse and The Boat bathroom which became the treasured flat pet, or that time the ceiling collapsed are detached neighbouring houses. The Baker’s Dozen and The Dolls House because there was a hole in the roof (the Beehive has claimed all these acco- comprise at least a couple of separate flats and their names reflect this collegial lades). Seriously though, you’ll still have great flatting stories to share without neighbourly environment. living in a complete shithole. One of the most enduring and evocative duos still extant is The Fridge and The Puns, jokes and irony are inherent in naming student flats, they often make ref- Fridgette on Castle Street. This pair have been around for many years and in erence to the state of the building or immediate environment. Names that fairly the past they have been worthy of their names – they also do look a bit like regularly recur over time are The Palace and The Jungle, but The Manor, The fridges with their grey monolithic facades. The Fridge is traditionally a male flat Heap, and The Swamp all evoke the nature of the building, and you know that and the Fridgette a female flat (not sure if this is still the case, let me know). The those classy sounding ones are going to be as bad if not worse than the crappy Fridge features in the 2008 documentary, “Old, Cost and Costly: Sub-Stand- sounding flats. Things get interesting when flats share a building or are semi-de- ing Housing in Studentville,” when many Dunedin tenants were having issues tached. In Dunedin many of the older student flats share a firewall (yes, this is with the state of their rental housing – just the usual: mice, mould, no insulation, where the digital terminology you’re familiar with hails from). The proximity of holes in the roof. The occupants of The Fridge were pretty clear on the origin of these flats often creates a situation where one flat name may be inspired by the name, “It’s so cold . . . it’s called The Fridge”. ISSUE 11

42 COLUMNS

Booze Review – Jägermeister

Swilliam Shakesbeer

There is no such thing as Jägermeister. It does not exist. It is a myth, concocted by a shadowy group within the government for the sole pur- pose of accustoming the masses to the taste of rat poison, so one day they can feed it to you and KILL YOUR WHOLE FAMILY.

Think about it: have you ever taken a sip of Jäger and thought “I bet a rat could survive drinking this”. It literally tastes like vinegar, syrup, and burnt hair; there is no way that any real, commercially viable alcoholic product would taste like that. It only exists to make you think rat poison tastes normal. It doesn’t, it tastes like Jägermeister.

And consider this: have you ever actually seen anyone drinking Jäger- meister? Even if you have, how do you know they weren’t a paid actor planted in your line of sight in order to trick you into thinking people actually drink Jägermeister?

You may be thinking “Oh, but they sell it at stores, so someone must be buying it”. That’s a lie. No one buys it at liquor stores, they just give away free apparel and merchandise with the logo on it to help them spread the lies.

Even the “backstory” makes no sense. It was, according to Their lies, created for elderly Germans as an after-dinner digestive aid. Then out of nowhere in the mid-‘80s, frat boys at Louisiana State University started smashing the stuff back in huge quantities. They were drinking it ironically – sculling as much of it as possible in an attempt to prove their masculinity by drinking something that tastes like a blended up shoe.

None of that makes any sense. Jägermeister is a lie. The earth is flat. Vaccines cause airplanes. Chemtrails are turning gay frogs straight.

Taste Rating: 2/10

Tasting Notes: Cherry, aniseed, liquorice, allspice, secret government conspiracies to KILL YOUR FAMILY AND ALL THE BEES.

Pairs Well With: Dead rats, the Black Plague.

Froth Level: Smoking weed with George Bush while you watch slow-mo ISSUE 11 replays of 9/11

43 COLUMNS

Advice – How to Know if You Should Take Yourself to the Doctors

Mammy Zo and Aunt Kell

It’s that time of year. Exams are nigh, Seasonal reportedly the best instrument for blowing out the two days earlier, then you’re ill. Affective Disorder is imminent, fruit is about to get sinuses. In all of these instances you should drink lots of so expensive you get scurvy and if you haven’t had water, get some sleep, heat up your room, and take chlamydia yet, chances are you might. Another thing a lot of people forget to do is to a health day. Better to rest early on than have a At this time of year, it is hard to know if you are breathe the whole way in and the whole way out, breakdown in exam season. And remember water actually sick (at least if you’re sick you can be in bed clearing the sinuses and warming the lungs. An is actually REALLY GOOD FOR YOU. where it’s warm and dry), and it’s also hard to know easy way to fix this is to roll your elbows in, so the Go to the doctor if: you’ve checked WebMD and its when you should go to the doctor. This is why you inside of your arm faces the front. Voila, breathing most likely not cancer – but you just want to make have us. and posture fixed. Go on, try it for yourself now. sure. So those are some small ways you can not be pale, Any good health practitioner will/should tell you rashy and sneezy this winter. Don’t go to the doctor if: you’re just wanting to chat that the best medicine is being healthy in the first up that cute secretary in the pink jumper with the place. There are many ways to stay healthy: eating, Here are some ways to determine how ill you really twinkly eyes and the compassionate face. Nah, sleeping and shitting on the regs is a great first step. are: use a thermometer, if your temp is 37+ CO then actually you go talk to the hot secretary! You go! In winter all three of these things can get confused you’re ill. If you’re coughing/sneezing blood, then You should go to the doctor if: you think you should by the rain. you’re ill. If you are peeing blood then you are ill, or go to the doctor, but you won’t because you’re too on your period (which is a great opportunity to freak embarrassed, or if you’ve got legitskies painskies A way to combat said confusion is to switch from out your flatmates and be like “OH MY GOD I’M and ugly skin bits. coffee to herbal tea or a simple decaf in the after- PEEING BLOOD”). If you are struggling to phys- But remember, if this is your first winter in Dunedin, noon. If you get a teapot, you can have tea with ically shift yourself from the bed to the toilet, then Winter is Coming. your friends, which is also good for you. Teapots are you’re ill. If you’re still chundering from the party Aroha Nui, ISSUE 11

44 BLIND DATE

Two Tails of Love

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to the Dog With Two Tails. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email [email protected]

Shelley John hen Critic’s blind date confirmation came in, I decided it was had arrived at a Capping Show rehearsal when my mate asked W time to try shake off my forever single name tag. Ime how the blind date had gone. Shit. Realising I'd double I walked into the Dog With Two Tails a classy five minutes early, and booked myself, I legged it over to Dog With Two Tails as fast the staff showed me to an empty table. I made a start on the tab as my injured ankle could go. and ordered some curly fries. At this point, things were still good. I got there a few minutes late, and the waitress took me to a Then in jogged tall, blond and red-faced. table where a girl was eating curly fries. We got the small talk out of the way, and sadly we didn't have much in common. She He was 10 minutes late and said he'd run straight from Capping Show was doing a BCom and used to live in Wellington, and couldn't rehearsal (?) and basically talked the entire date about Capping Show, relate to my theatre background. The only thing she asked which he's apparently acting in, how stressed he is with juggling follow up questions about was my involvement in Capping Show, assignment deadlines and rehearsals, and generally seemed like he and after half an hour of monologuing about the show, its his- came for a free therapy session rather than a free date. I asked tory and my role I was desperate for her to change the subject. what he studied, and he said he was almost finished his honours. He wouldn't tell me anything about his work, saying he was “way too While I ordered a drink she got a call from a friend, and after stressed to acknowledge his studies until Capping Show finishes”. ten minutes of chat told me there'd been a flat emergency and her friend was coming to pick her up very soon. I was relieved I didn't even know what the Capping Show was, so I asked him – a but felt bad for her. big mistake. He started getting all worked up, saying it stretched back over a hundred years and it was rehearsed sketch comedy? He She said she might buy a ticket to Capping Show and I told was fully zealous. At one point some of his spit landed on my curly her I'd save her $14 and offered her a free one as she seemed fries and I gagged a little. This wasn't the frothing I'd anticipated. really keen on it. Then she backtracked, saying she was prob- ably busy that night. By then I’d written off the date altogether, so I SOS’d my flatmate and she called me to say she was having a ‘personal crisis,’ needed I thought really? You're busy for ten nights? Because there are me and would pick me up in five. multiple shows.

I got off the phone and told him I had to go, and he said “No, I'll get But she was gathering her coat and seemed really stressed, you a free ticket to the show!” maybe because of her flat emergency, and got into a car that was waiting outside the restaurant. I said I would be busy, downed my drink and got the fuck out of there. So Capping Cultist, good luck for your performance, I hope Left alone with the majority of a bar tab, I ordered some food your acting is better than our date. to go, walked back to rehearsal and did my best to convince my cast mates that I'd been a Casanova. Cheers Critic for the

opportunity, and Shelley, maybe I'll catch you in the audience ISSUE 11 this week

45 SNAPS *The best snap each week wins a 12 SNAP, pack of CRACK & POPPLE US Send us a snap, crack open a CRITIC & popple up a prize* THIS WEEK'S WINNER ISSUE 11 10

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