Families First
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Nebraska Foster & Adoptive Parent Association Families First a newsletter for Nebraska Families November/December 2017 N F A P A Holidays With An Adopted Child by Leslie Culpepper birth families they have no memories of. Be observant during For many parents, the holidays are always stressful. this time. Take notice of mood swings, subtle expressions and The heightened expectations, financial stress and packed body language. schedules that most parents experience around the holidays Try to understand what your child is going through by can make this time of year as difficult as it is wonderful. Now initiating discussions. Say things like, “you seem sad,” or “you consider the impact this additional stress is likely having on seem frustrated,” and invite your child to discuss the problem your adopted child, who is probably experiencing loss and openly. Point out your observations in a non-judgmental way. grief, reliving vivid memories This will help validate your or asking hard-to-answer child’s feelings. If your child is questions. The holidays with having a hard time grappling an adopted child can be full with these emotions, make or of hurdles. As a parent of an purchase a blank book where adopted child, you must learn your child can record intense to help your child and help feelings in a way that is private yourself through this very and non-destructive. If your stressful time. child has a Life Book, take it down off the shelf and look Managing Troubling it over together. Talk about Behaviors the memories, and explore This time of year is the undesirable thoughts emotionally charged, and that have been coming to the your child is probably surface. experiencing a slew of hard To keep the both of you feelings. Guilt, anxiety, from going crazy, give despair, anger, loss. Old yourself permission to let the memories may be coming to little things slide. Don’t try to the surface, triggered by the discipline every single wrong smells, sounds and tastes of behavior that comes up; only the holidays. Take the time tackle the big things. Forgive to understand what your child is going through. All adopted your child, and forgive yourself at the end of every day. children experience the holidays differently. Children who Maintaining and Creating Traditions spent many years with their birth family and many years in foster care may have happy or sad memories of birth families If your child is the product of an open adoption and you and old traditions left behind. Internationally adopted have a functional relationship with your child’s birth parents, children are likely to feel disconnected from their cultural it is important to nurture this relationship at the holidays. roots, and may have many questions about their birth culture. Maybe you’ll start a gift-exchange tradition, or an annual Those children from open adoptions can experience stress winter holiday brunch at your child’s favorite restaurant. This and conflicting feelings about their birth parents and adopted will help your child feel like he or she is a part of a stable, parents. And finally, children who know little or nothing about healthy family unit. Never subvert the relationship between their birth parents may spend more time reflecting on the your child and his or her biological family. When a schedule is made for a visit, stick to it. Avoid any (Continued on page 3) Page 2 Nebraska Foster & Adoptive Parent Association November/December 2017 NFAPA Staff / Board of Attention Foster Parents! Directors Earn Your In-Service Hours While Getting the Chance to Win a Great Prize! Families First is published bimonthly. Answer these 10 questions correctly and you will not only When reprinting an article, please receive permission from the earn .5 credits toward your in-service hours, but your name Nebraska Foster and Adoptive Parent Association will also be put in a drawing for a prize. For this issue we are 3601 N. 25th Street, Suite D, Lincoln, NE 68521 offering a $10 Walmart gift card. 402-476-2273, toll-free 877-257-0176, e-mail: [email protected] www.nfapa.org. There are a variety of ways to do this. You can email the information to [email protected], send the questionnaire NFAPA Staff to the NFAPA office at 3601 N. 25th Street, Suite D, Lincoln, Felicia Nelsen, Executive Director: 877-257-0176 or NE 68521 or you can complete the questionnaire online at [email protected] https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/NovDecNewsletter2017. Corinne O’Brien, Program Coordinator: 402-476-2273 or We will then enter your name in the drawing! We will also [email protected] Tammy Welker, Northeastern/ Eastern Area RFC: 402-989-2197 or send you a certificate for training credit to turn in when it is [email protected] time for relicensing. Good Luck! Robbi Blume, Northwestern Area RFC: 402-853-1091 or [email protected] 1. This time of year is emotionally charged and your child is Terry Robinson Central/Southwest RFC: 402-460-7296 or [email protected] probably experiencing a slew of hard feelings. List five. Jolie Camden, Western RFC: 308-672-3658 or [email protected] 2. True or False. Children who know little or nothing about *RFC=Resource Family Consultant their birth parents may spend more time reflecting on the birth families they have no memories of. NFAPA Board of Directors 3. Fill in the blank. Remember that they are only accessing President Central Representative their base brain right now, so lecturing or trying to Luke Kliewer Jay & Tammy Wells 1227 N Briggs Ave reason with them is _____________. 21 N. Kennedy, PO Box 162 Hastings, NE 68901 Alma, NE 68920 4. Fill in the blank. Having your body go through fight, 402-705-8971 308-928-3111 flight or freeze response often and unnecessarily can be [email protected] [email protected] ____________________. Northern Representative Vice-President 5. List 2 of the 5 things adoptive parents want teachers to Kyle C. Dahl, Esq Rebecca Rowe Spring M. Dahl, MS, PhD know about trauma? 1207 12thCorso Pender, NE Nebraska City, NE 68410 6. List 3 of the 43 ways everyone can celebrate National Kyle: 402-689-1912 308-737-8430 Adoption Month? [email protected] chocolatedreamsand Spring: 402-689-1879 7. 3 parts of developmental trauma therapists may forget to [email protected] [email protected] heal? Secretary Eastern Representative 8. True or False. Children with developmental trauma act Kathy Wagoner-Wiese Joey Gaines 17630 W. 42nd Street much older than their chronological age? 16317 C Street Kenesaw, NE 68956 9. What are 4 things every foster child needs this Omaha, NE 68130 402-752-3712 402-699-5105 Christmas? [email protected] [email protected] 10. True or False. Foster parents may experience a variety of Treasurer Western Representative: behaviors and emotions during this time of year. Anna Brummer Southwest 17820 Jacobs Circle Vacant Omaha, NE 68135 308-627-6859 Western Representative: [email protected] Panhandle Name: ________________________________________ Vacant Southeast Representative Deb & Kevin Reiman At Large Board Members Address: ______________________________________ [email protected] Vacant Questions? Interested in becoming a member of the Board? Email: ________________________________________ Call NFAPA at 877-257-0176 or 402-476-2273. This publication is supported by Grant #93.566 under a sub-grant from HHS Phone #: ______________________________________ Administration for Children and Families and Nebraska DHHS. Families First Newsletter Issue: November/December 2017 November/December 2017 Nebraska Foster & Adoptive Parent Association Page 3 (Continued from page 1) homes. This way you can avoid embarrassing or aggravating stressful situations by keeping the lines of communication situations, and your child will know what to expect. with your child’s birth parents open. Finally, don’t chase the perfect holiday. Keep a sense of For an internationally adopted child, learn the practices of humor and be realistic. The holidays with an adopted child his or her cultural origins. Integrate these cultural traditions can be an enriching experience that ultimately strengthens into your family traditions, because these cultural roots your family bond, but you must remember to keep a level head are now connected to your own family and this should be and dismiss unrealistic expectations. Remind yourself every acknowledged. Make traditional foods, celebrate special day that you and your child can find happiness, even as you holidays and talk about the origins of these holidays with experience bumps along the way. members of your family. Similar advice could be given to families of adopted foster children. Former foster children Reprinted with permission from: may have strong personal memories of old times with their www.professorshouse.com/holidays-with-an-adopted-child/ birth family, or previous foster families. These roots should not be lost or forgotten but rather brought into the open, and celebrated when possible. Your adopted children should be A Letter To My Daughters On taught that their memories of the holidays are okay to have. To strengthen your personal bond with your child, develop The Day Of Your Adoption some new family traditions together. This will help your by Jamie C. child dismiss feelings of being an outsider in a family where To my daughters on the day of your adoption, traditions may already have been established long ago. For I’ve called you by that label, that sacred name, “daughter,” example, create a new holiday ornament, as a family, every many times. But today is different. year. Light a candle for the joys and sadness’s you and your Today there’s no prefix, no subtext, no “sort of but not really” child may be feeling at the holidays, and discuss both openly. as there has always been before.