Th e student ‘news’paper of Imperial College London

Issue 1,399 felix Friday 7 March 2008 felixonline.co.uk

Good luck! Inside A Geek Idol – The Results Felix employs C&G Hit Squad to pie winning Sabbatical Election candidates. If you’re wondering where the other two are, see page 3

Pages 4 to 7

Terrorism and the global economy

Page 18

Celebrating celebrity

Page 20

Bottle returns to IC

Pages 44 & 45 2 felix Friday 7 March 2008

News News Editor – Andrew Somerville, News Goblin – Matty Hoban [email protected]

Imperial’s Ring of Steel £412,100: Finalised Clubs & expands to the bicycle sheds Societies Budget 2008-2009

The Clubs and Societies Board (CSB) ices which will still be funded by the Ongoing thefts prompts tighter security to Blue Cube bike store has finalised its budget for the next Union. year at £412,100, of which £359,00 is The increase in the total budget is marked for Clubs and Societies budg- approximately 3%, with an effective in- Terry, Just Terry ets, increasing the funding given to crease of 0.5% in the total budget after most clubs. inflation (~2.5%) is accounted for. Security is being increased on the The marathon CSB Budgeting ses- Faculty Building bicycle store due to sions are legendary for their gruelling persistent thefts. The current security length and this year was no exception, CSC/FU Budget Year-Year mechanisms in place are proving inef- lasting a little over 5 hours. Most Clubs Increase fective at deterring criminals; thieves and Societies Committees (CSCs) and are simply tailgating users who swipe Faculty Unions (FUs) came away with ACC £158,087 +5.4% their College ID card to open the exist- increases in their budgets too, with A&E £13,000 +11.3% CGCU £10,500 +9.0% ing barrier. only the Overseas Clubs Committee, ICSMSU £68,064 +9.3% College plans to install a full-height Wye, and Media Group having their Media £10,000 -10.6% turnstile system, similar to those at budgets cut. OSC £6,500 -16.5% football grounds. Students and staff Media Group’s budget cut is soley RCC £67,543 +11.9% will have to swipe in, one person at due to the removal of Felix’s grant, RCSU £4,800 +9.6% a time, whilst pushing their bicycle an annual amount that is intended to RSM £3,500 +2.8% through. Entry cannot be gained with- pay for the printing of the first issues SCC £3,921 +30.7% out a swipe card. of the year. Felix is now effectively Silwood £3,734 +6.7% Students have expressed concern self-funding with advertising revenue, Wye £7,000 -12.5% £850 to Felix questioning the need for the apart from the Sabbatical salary, prop- Council +0.0% GSA £1,500 +11.9% turnstiles and how they’re going to be erty rental and phone/internet serv- bike-friendly. College has said that bi- cycles are far more secure in the store than attached to one of the open racks around campus and whilst there will be delays to users moving in and out of Current Central & Faculty the store, the added security is a wor- thy trade-off. Similar plans are in motion for the Union elections cancelled Queen’s Gate bicycle store in between Turnstiles will be installed in the entrance to the Faculty Building the Huxley and Blackett Laboratory bicycle store over the Easter break Faculty union elections for the CGCU, to run them at the beginning of buildings. RCSU and the Central ICU elections next term once the farce Installation work on the Faculty have been cancelled after an unfortu- has subsided. Building store will commence on 26th nately timed staff holiday which led March and should last for around ten Felix Student Depression Investigation to the Union being unable to find a days. During this time, access to the complete list of fully sec- store will only be granted from 8-10am Felix is researching a story examining student depression. If you’re a onded candi- and 4-6pm through the fire exit on long-term sufferer, or it’s been triggered since you began university dates. Unwin Road. Cyclists will need to pro- or you’re currently seeing your doctor about it, Felix would like to vide their College ID card to security hear from you to see how you’re finding it at Imperial and how well The Faculty Union elec- guards to gain entrance. The fire doors the College’s services are helping. Send an email to felix@imperial. tions and various other positions that will remain closed and unmanned dur- ac.uk anonymously if you wish are up for grabs are an integral part of ing the weekend beginning Saturday FARCEWithout this the Union: Elected officials with whom 29th March. list, they have been un- students come into daily contact. Phew. If you haven’t already done so, able to hold a candidates meeting As the first farce of this year, Union look across the page and laugh at the ESoc Green Week Competition Winners to brief the contenders for the various officials are relieved that the Sabbatical people covered in shaving foam, then positions. elections ran smoothly (see over the have a read. Otherwise, go and read The winners of ESoc’s recent competition are Soizic Le Courtois, Given this situation ICU President, page) and were not affected. Wheth- Angry Geek Idol in the Comments sec- who wins a Solio charger and Gemma Miles who wins the Ecover Stephen Brown has cancelled the cur- er confidence in the elections will be tion. It’s far more interesting. There’s goodies. Come to the Felix office to collect them! rent round of elections deeming them damaged by the cancellation remains even some references to sex! “exceptional circumstances,” promising to be seen.

Felix, Beit Quad, Prince Consort Road, London felix 1,399 SW7 2BB. Tel: 020 7594 8072. Fax: 020 7594 8065. Printed by The Harmsworth Printing Ltd, 17 Brest Road, Derriford, Plymouth. Registered newspaper Friday 7/3/08 ISSN 1040-0711. Copyright © Felix 2007.

Felix was brought to you by:

Editor-in-Chief Business Editor Music Editors LOLCATS Tom Roberts Afonso Campos Peter Sinclair Susan Yu Deputy & News Editor Politics Editors Andrew Somerville Li-Teck Lau Technology Editor Kadhim Shubber James Finnerty

News Editor OF TEH WEEK Matty Hoban Arts Editors Travel Editors Rosie Grayburn Ahranyan Arnold Layout Editors Caz Knight Nadine Richards Jemil Salami David Paw Ammar Waraich Sally Longstaff Emily Wilson Fashion Editor Copy Editors Nightlife Editor Sarah Skeete Louise Etheridge Greg Mead Tom Culley Sports Editor Anthony Maina Film Editor Jovan Nedić Gilead Amit Alex Casey Jesse Garman Photography Games Editors Sally Longstaff Science Editor Azfarul Islam Vitali Lazurenko Ed Henley Sebastian Nordgren Dave Murray Friday 7 March 2008 felix 3 [email protected] News Quest to find Sabbaticals complete Jennifer Morgan elected as Union President. Felix welcomes the Union’s new Sabbatical Overlords with pies

Tom Roberts tributed to their second choice and so Editor-in-Chief on. Current Social Clubs Committee Last Friday, the 2008 Union Election (SCC) Chair, Lily Topham, will be next results were announced. After week’s year’s Deputy President (Clubs & So- of campaigning and preparation the cieties) winning by over 200 votes in Sabbatical Officer, NUS Delegate and the final round. It was widely believed Student Trustee candidates were fi- that John James would fare well in this nally told the outcome of the elections strand after a strong campaign (he’s and put out of their misery. To give the one you probably saw carrying a gi- next year’s Sabbaticals Officers an ear- ant ‘Refreshers’ tube around campus), ly, hearty welcome, Felix employed the however the experienced SCC Chair City & Guilds Hit Squad to pie them. toppled the competition convincingly The election results were revealed to in the end. a packed crowd which filled out daV- The most surprising result was in the inci’s last Friday night. Returning Of- Deputy President (Education & Wel- ficer, Danny McGuinness, announced fare) category where Environmental the majority of the results over the PA Society stalwart, Hannah Theodorou, system; however, the Presidential can- defeated her sole competitor Ryan didates were momentarily left in sus- Dee despite a non-existant campaign pense when the microphone ceased to strategy. function. Eventually, the audience was Upset was avoided in the Deputy told that current RCSU (Royal College President (Finance & Services) cat- of Science Union) President, Jennifer egory, where recent Felix centrefold Morgan, would be next year’s Union star, Christian Carter, defeated RON Next year’s Union President, Jennifer Morgan, enjoys the taste of shaving foam President winning with 1011 votes out by 1155 to 596 votes. of 2314 in total. Although Miss Mor- Finally, the next Felix Editor was de- gan beat her nearest competitor, Jon termined to be Jovan Nedić. This year’s On Wednesday, Felix arranged/ Matthews, by almost 200 votes, the Sports Editor narrowly beat Nightlife staged a lunchtime photo-shoot for race for the Presidency was actually far Editor, Greg Mead, by 78 votes. the winning candidates. The incoming tighter than the final figures suggest. For a full breakdown see the box-out Sabbaticals were asked to meet outside Mr Matthews was in line to become of the Sabbatical Election results. the main Union building at 11:45am. President after the first three stages of Elsewhere, both candidates running Felix didn’t intend for the shoot to vote counting; however, because of re- for Student Trustee positions were be a test of the candidates’ punctual- distributed votes, Miss Morgan clawed elected, namely Kadhim Shubber and ity; however, with both Miss Topham her way back into a winning position. Jaimie Henry. Kirsty Patterson, Vic- and Miss Theodorou arriving late and The Union used the Single Transfer- toria Gibbs, Elizabeth Hyde, Camilla missing the photo-shoot, we should able Voting (STV) system in the elec- Royle, Ashley Brown, Jon Matthews, have brought a stopwatch. tions meaning that voters could rank Luke Taylor and Jennifer Morgan were Eventually, everyone tired of waiting the candidates in order of preference. elected as NUS Delegates; however Mr and it was decided to have the “group” If a voter’s highest-ranked candidate Matthews has since relinquished the photo taken with just the new Presi- was knocked out, their vote was redis- position. dent, DPFS and Felix Editor. Right on cue, after a few snaps the City & Guilds (C&G) Hit Squad burst through the Lily Topham brains a Hit Squad member during the execution of his duty gathered crowd of sportsmen and 2008 Sabbatical Election results women, launching paper plates of shaving foam into the faces of the in- Format RON – 116 (1st) coming Sabbatical Officers. Name – No of votes (Round The C&G Hit Squad offers its servic- Rector pied: City & Guilds knocked out) Deputy President (Education & es once a year during RAG Week. Stu- Welfare) dents could employ the Squad, much Union President Hannah Theodorou – 1055 like contract killers, to carry out a hit Hit Squad strikes again Jennifer Morgan – 1011 votes (Elected) by paying them a fee. Unlike contract (Elected) Ryan Dee – 504 killers, the fee is given to charity; this Jon Matthews – 821 (5th) RON – 210 year’s RAG Week was raising money Luke Taylor – 500 (4th) for Cancer Research UK, The Newman Ed Hughes – 339 (3rd) Deputy President (Finance & Holiday Trust and Practical Action. Diogo Geraldes – 276 (2nd) Services) Shortly after the initial hit, Miss RON – 133 (1st) Christian Carter – 1155 Topham turned up looking relieved RON – 596 that she’d missed a flan to the face but Deputy President (Clubs & also concerned that the Hit Squad had Societies) Felix Editor an unfulfilled contract. Surely enough, Lily Topham – 986 (Elected) Jovan Nedić – 882 (Elected) her time came but she wasn’t going Jess Marley – 783 (2nd) Greg Mead – 804 (2nd) to be flanned without a fight, as she John James – 447 (3rd) RON – 194 (1st) fended off one Hit Squad member by swinging a heavy bag of books at him. Miss Theodorou was more willing to accept her fate when she finally arrived, taking some foam to the forehead. Next year’s Sabbatical Officers will have to tackle a number of crucial is- sues. Now that the second phase of the Beit Redevelopment has been given the go ahead, they will be tasked with seeing it through to completion and ensuring hiccups are avoided along the way. Similarly, the Sabbs will need to begin to secure funding for the fi- nal phase of the redevelopment which will see the rejuvenation of the Union’s bars. On a national scale, they’ll be At lunchtime on Tuesday the Rector, Sir Richard Sykes, received responsible for deciding what the hell his annual pie to the face courtesy of two primates from the C&G we’re going to do with the NUS even Hit Squad. The Rector, who just happened to be walking down though we rejoined over a year ago, the Sherfield Walkway at around about 12pm when this reporter plus they’ll need to fight for students’ also just happened to be getting his lunch from the JCR, was views during the Top-up Fee Funding confronted by the two assailants who planted a shaving foam flan Review taking place next year. into his mush. The Hit Squad operates each year during RAG Week Felix would like to take this opportu- to help raise money for charities such as Cancer Research UK, The The incoming DPEW, Hannah Theodorou, demonstrates her nity to wish them all the best of luck. Newman Holiday Trust and Practical Action promptness by turning up late. She did not escape a flanning Break the Union a leg! 4 felix Friday 7 March 2008

Comment, Opinion Let us know your views: [email protected] Letters may be edited for length and grammar purposes & Letters Views on these pages are not representative of Felix Angry Geek Idol: The Results The entries are in, Angry Geek has spoken and the winner is: Mrs McLovin’. Congratulations to that pseudonym! Read the winning entry and more after a short word from our host, Mr Geek himself

bet you expected to see noth- happy that the entire idea of being long time. It doesn’t all relate to Felix in the future, and that next year’s ing this week, right? Truthfully, angry this week seems futile you, but it does all apply to section is just as thriving as this year’s so did I. Asking people to write and unnecessary. Have you because these are has been. for Felix is a dangerous business, you read the other the students voic- Why the talk of the future? Ladies I because there are normally only articles yet? No? ing their feelings. and Gentlemen, the new editor is com- about thirty people who would consid- Why not! For A shrivelled old ing, Easter approaches, and the exam er doing it and they’re usually already God’s sake, bastard like me timetables are out. As we all know, Fe- doing so. Nevertheless, here we are, go and do doesn’t need lix is an unpredictable beast over the and I’m pleased to say that I managed it, and then to take away Summer months, and so this could to get a few pens to paper in time for regret not any of their be one of the last times you see An- this week’s press date. Read them. Take entering fame, and gry Geek this year. Nevertheless, I’m them in. Criticise them if you want, but yourself. so I shan’t happy to go out with a bang. Thanks to don’t you dare put the writers down. I’m not attempt to. everyone who contributed this week; We’ve got a whole bunch of comment writing Ques- well done to Mrs. McLovin’ for taking pieces and I’m proud of each and every much this tions? Com- the prize; and a big thanks to everyone one. week, because ments? Want who asked Tomo who I am. Keep ask- Does that sound a little condescend- I want the fo- to contribute ing him. He loves it, especially when ing? It’s not meant to. I’m genuinely cus to be on the next week, without you phone him late at night. heartened to see so many contributing entrants, and my the money incentive? We may speak again before Summer, to what really is a bumper comment fellow regular contribu- Get in touch with Felix at but if not – I shall see you in the warm section. Heritage, sexuality, the fine art tors. You have in front of comment.felix@imperial. darkness of Autumn, bitter and cyni- of tea drinking and more – all within you the widest selection of stu- ac.uk. I hope that all who entered cal as I should be. Enjoy the Summer, a few pages. In fact, it’s making me so dent opinion Felix has showcased in a will consider more regular postings at folks. Bi the way

o coin a phrase: SEX! power. Often women who discover my Now that I have your sexuality for the first time shy away attention… from me. I’ve said it before, and will A. Geek is absolutely doubtless repeat myself ad nauseum T right. Students are rarely for the rest of my life: think about your thinking about the refurbishment of preferred gender. Do you find yourself the union, the allocation of budgets to attracted to every (hah) member of clubs and societies, or probably even that gender? No? So what makes you the lecture they’re now undoubtedly think just because I like girls means I Mrs McLovin sitting in. I’d estimate I spend about like you? 45% of my thought time – travelling, By and large men are ok with my falling asleep, showering etc. – think- sexuality, although I find it irritating ing about sex. That figure rises to about that a small minority seem to equate 80% during lectures. And I’m one of bisexuality in women with “actually the statistical minority of women at IC. being straight, but just a little bit easy”. Can you imagine what all those poor And obviously, there are people who They’re only condoms, kids, they won’t bite sex-starved men are going through on make the assumptions given above, but a daily basis? All too well, I’m afraid. for the most part, being bi as a girl is However, I have to say that lately a pretty easy. On the other hand, I have people. If you’re going to give a huge jokes). If you don’t have the message bare majority of that sexual thought gay/lesbian and a couple of transsexual reaction when provoked, get used to by now to use a condom or get tested, time has been becoming increasingly friends who really suffer; not from the fact there are people out there who well, it’s your body. But if everyone is boring, at least from an entertainment open bigotry and hatred, but from the will go out of their way to provoke you, oblivious to the idea that one night point of view. A couple of things keep social awkwardness and mild disgust but honestly? I think that a lot of this stands can boost your confidence for coming up which are steadily seeming displayed by others on finding out. (In- simply comes down to the fact that sex one night, then crush your ego in the more and more bizarre to me. cidentally, transgenderism of all types remains a ridiculously taboo subject. morning, or that calling someone “fag- The first issue on my mind is sexual- is not a mental disease which can be On SHAG week people were actively got” (or, indeed, “breeder”) can really ity. During the recent election havoc, “cured” any more than any other al- hiding their faces and scuttling by the cut deeper than other types of insult, you may or may not have no- ternative sexuality is). The thought Sherfield Walkway, embarrassed at the or that just because you can separate ticed that one of the candi- that these prejudices exist at Imperial thought of being given a free chlamydia emotion from physicality doesn’t mean dates is the former president was astounding to me. In a community test kit and condoms. My first thought? someone else can, then it creates a cul- of I.Q (the imperial LGBT full of in- telligent, reason- Fucking brilliant! Condoms are ridicu- ture of everything negative you’ve ever I find it society). This sparked a few able people who lously expensive, and although they are associated with sex. conversations amongst some I have never seen available from the doctors, how many Let me state it clearly for you: Sex is irritating that a of the people I’ve spoken discriminate based people are both aware of that and una- nothing to be ashamed of, and essen- to which, frankly, on race, religion, shamed enough about sex to ask? And tial to be informed about. How, where small minority shocked the hell style of clothing, cul- if – whisper it – sex is a big, embar- and with whom you do it is a big deal, out of me. ture or anything else rassing, secret thing for you, then is it because you have to live with it, but “ any surprise you know little enough having in the first place, or not if you I am openly A winner apart from possibly seem to equate and comfortably choice of course (if about it to be worried by someone who don’t choose to, is not a big deal at all. bisexual. Not, “I’ve you do chemistry, bi- maybe doesn’t go about it the same Talk about it. Ask about it. If you don’t bisexuality in kissed a few girls when is you! ology, or materials: way you do? understand someone’s point of view on drunk” bisexual, or “I’m an HAHAHAHA, And worse, if you don’t know and the subject, listen to them explain it. women with emo kid who wants to be CompSci: You’re don’t feel you can talk about the social, And if you still don’t understand, well, special” bisexual, but really, not read- ing this, you never emotional, and psychological aspects it’s just sex. Their opinion differing on “actually being genuinely, 50/50 bi. Most of came into college today, Medicine: You of sex, it can really damage you and you that one subject shouldn’t mean you the people I know know that know what we think.), there are still can damage other people without real- feel awkward around them, any more straight, but and are fine with it, yet some of people who are scared of the thought ising. You’re bright, I know you know than you’d feel awkward around some- the tirades which have come from those that someone undesirable to them the mechanics and all the nasty stuff one with different colour skin. You just a little bit same people could only be described might potentially “like” them. you see on TV about people not wear- came to IC in pursuit of knowledge easy” as intolerant. It’s ok to be friends with Admittedly, this is partly down to the ing t-shirts embroidered with their and parties – can you think of a better ” a weirdo, but you don’t want them in attitude of a small number of LGBT STD of choice (although I’d buy one for way to mix the two? Friday 7 March 2008 felix 5 [email protected] Comment Rage against the Geek

ou want some fucking rage wind speed is less than or equal to…”). purpose is to wax lyrical about your good at, writing funny columns about then, Angry Geek? I’ll give I hate that you’re not allowed to take problems, your opinions? Can’t we all situations we all find ourselves in. And you some goddamn rage, hot drinks into the library, (Security just be less selfish and start admitting the rest of us will read them and think, and you can feel like the guard: “Drink it out here.” Me: “Argh, that it’s rather funny that despite 3 yeah, you got it right, I can relate to Y saviour of the student body, now I’ve burnt my tongue.”) I hate that compulsory professional skills work- that, and although it pissed me off at encouraging us to voice our opinions not all the candidates I voted for in the shops my CV still only reads: “female, the time, your take on it’s quite funny. in some violent verbal outpouring of sabb elections got in. I hate that some 24yo, GSOH, seeks employer for job And instead of Angry Geek Idol, I the worst kind. We’ll even make them people slag Fairtrade off and everyone and maybe more…”, that I’m clearly not think we should have a Hug Day, much funny, as some kind of homage to you. else has investment banking intern- going to get a job in investment bank- like that “Hug a [insert name of ethnic- So yeah, there’s loads of stuff I’m ships. I hate it when my boyfriend calls ing with a CV like that even if I’d have ity or religion here] Day”s that were so Needy McNeedy angry about. I hate having to do com- me “Tiny Schizo.” wanted to, and that I’d rather have to well publicised on Facebook. But this pulsory “professional skills courses” So there it is, a nice little self-con- drink my coffee in the JCR than have would be for everyone, hippyish as that as part of my degree (Imperial: “Jump tained rant about how shit my life is. some bastard spill his over my stuff in might sound, from the Finance Tart to through this hoop!” Me: “Of course, You’ve got my opinions on practi- the library. the JCR sandwich shop staff. We all but owing to the strength of gravity cally every issue, just like you wanted. Everyone needs to get some perspec- need it. on our planet and my mass and the Happy? tive about this; we’re all so spoilt and If you’ve got issues, or a hard on, strength in my stocky little legs (null), I My point is, why promote all this overindulged. (Apart from the Tiny Needy McNeedy can help you out in can only reach a trajectory with maxi- anger and discontent? Why should we Schizo nickname. Wanker.) either case. Email agony.felix@impe- mum height of 3 inches, when the have a competition in which the sole Angry Geek should stick to what he’s rial.ac.uk.

Just one rule…

am a passionate Union non- People seem to think that somehow for a year. They have been sequestered into an autonomous monster, separate voter. I don’t vote for anything this is a good thing. Perhaps the candi- in a water-tight bubble away from stu- from College, and separate from stu- in the Union, and am extraordi- date’s experiences working for the Un- dent life. They deal with so many of the dents, catering only to itself. We get narily happy not voting for the ion make them better than common Union’s problems on a day to day basis, situations where we have candidates I Union. folk. I think that this is the completely that they are essentially isolated from running for President who have been This is because firstly I am incredibly wrong perspective to take. Candidates normal students. out of university longer than the ma- lazy, and I don’t think that voting for should be common folk. But of course these people believe jority of students at Imperial have been the Union President will make any par- The whole purpose of the Student they can do better next year, now that in university. If there was one way in ticular difference. Union is to look after, and cater for the they know how everything works. which I think the Union could be made Defective Brain For a start, it always seems to be the needs of a university’s student body. They can get everything done much a better place is if these people were same faces that are running for these The Sabbaticals of the Union are there more efficiently this time ‘round. May- forcibly banned from standing. We al- positions. That bores me. to make sure that the views of the stu- be this time they can “actually” make ready have a rule saying that no Sab- Not that it’s a bad thing that the same dent body are represented during all a difference. This time, maybe they batical can run for the same position people are always running. People are their dealings with the college. They are can follow through with some of the again the next year. Why not extend it, allowed to have dreams, and I can’t also there to make sure that the Union promises they originally made. Except, and have a rule that prevents any pre- fault them for that. I’m just saying…. itself caters to the tastes and needs of aren’t they missing the point? vious Sabbatical running for another I’d like to have candidates who are like its students. They are the crucial link Shouldn’t they let someone else take Union position? me. Candidates who have a sense of between the average student and the the job, someone who has been in full- Maybe if this were the case, we could humour, and can identify with normal Union. When this system works prop- time education, someone who can still get a different crop of applicants for students. erly, everyone is happy. remember what it was like to go to the Union. Perhaps we’d get students This is where my problem starts. However, let’s say you have some- lectures? Someone who may be inex- who actually represent students, rather Many of the people who stand for the one who’s worked for the Union for perienced, but still understands what is than any one club or society. Perhaps Union positions are not normal stu- a year. This person knows exactly the important to a student’s life, and what the CV whores would decide that per- dents. I’m not talking about your usual right things to say to people during a is not? haps getting a year long internship in garden variety freaks and geeks. I’m campaign. He/she has experience of By voting “Serial Sabbaticals” in we industry would look better on their CV talking about “serial Sabbaticals”. Peo- winning elections, which gives them are voting for people who represent than a year in student politics. But how ple who have spent most of their uni- an advantage over new candidates. the Union, rather than people who the hell am I supposed to know, I can’t versity life working directly within the However, unlike the new candidates, represent the students. tell the future; I’m just another defec- stinking bowels of the Union. this person has been out of education Because of this, our Union has grown tive brain. My Orientation course

eing of Chinese origin but cided it would be worth going along to. portunity for clubbing, but where were ethnic group just so they can go club- having grown up in Brit- It turned out to be ridiculously over- the opportunities to exchange our bing and play sports together rather ain, I had always felt I was subscribed, and despite having arrived shared backgrounds? Where were the than along with the rest of the college? out of touch with my own pretty early I still ended up spending opportunities to explore our country’s I cannot help but feel there is some- B culture. Therefore, when I three long hours of my freshers’ week heritage? Where were the opportuni- thing fundamentally wrong with this came to Imperial I was eager to par- queuing outside a well-known club in ties to discuss the issues facing China picture. ticipate in a Chinese society, under London, only to receive an apology today? None of the societies seemed Is there really no hunger for some- the somewhat naive impression that I and a refund. So my first experience interested in catering to these needs. thing more substantial? After all, there would surely be getting involved with was not exactly a great success, and I Sure, I can understand that for any are few things in life more fundamental Bamboo Writer something distinctly Chinese. Flick- confess I was pretty disappointed. But overseas club, a major role is to help than our identities; they define who we ing through the pages of the freshers’ I thought it was only fair to give them foreign students settle in at an under- are and our culture is an integral part handbook I was admittedly puzzled a second chance, and so when more standably difficult time in their lives; of this identity. but also impressed by the presence of invitations in a similar vein appeared I faced with an unfamiliar culture, a dif- For foreign students still adjusting not one, but three different societies decided to try again. ferent language, the prospect of pos- to a strange new environment, what purporting to promote Chinese cul- I actually ended up attending several sibly living away from home for the can be more comforting than finding ture. However, not wanting to miss out more club nights throughout the year, first time and on top of that the con- common ground with people whom, on anything, I signed up to the mailing sampling what each of the different so- siderable pressure of having to achieve although seemingly very different, ul- lists of all three. cieties had to offer. And although I did academically. timately share the same culture? And Soon, invitations to attend various manage to at least get in each time, they So yes, I agree social events are im- to be able to celebrate and have pride club nights arrived in my inbox. It were all cripplingly expensive affairs. portant. And the societies do arrange in that culture; I believe this to be infi- seemed each of the Chinese societies Often they would also be massively football training, basketball sessions, nitely more satisfying than any club. had hit on the same ingenious idea on oversold, which meant long queues and the occasional trips to amusement So what has caused this rut, this de- how to break the ice. and plenty of standing around, despite parks as well as club nights. But it was cided lack of passion? I do not know Still unclear on the differences be- arriving at ridiculously early hours. the continued absence of anything re- the answer. Is it mere apathy? Is it a tween the societies I chose one pretty Each time I left with my wallet feeling ally related to Chinese culture that lack of confidence? Is it a belief that no much at random to attend. Price-wise, considerably lighter but without feel- rankled me. How can these societies one cares? Whatever the reason I feel it it was definitely not a student-friendly ing any closer to either my culture or justify the “Chinese” in their names? is important to overcome it. Only then event, but as it was being held at one my fellow clubbers. The societies were Are they nothing more than a means can we gain respect as individuals, as a of the well-known London clubs I de- certainly providing me with ample op- to gather together people of a certain culture, as a nation. 6 felix Friday 7 March 2008

Comment [email protected] The Farcity of Varsity

ast week was that time of six foot friend brought it for me). We that’s generally the problem I find with only form of patriotism we have is the year again, and no, I had a nice bit of chat before a loud noise sports people. I have no problem with through sport, I remember my sister [...] don’t mean the leap year, as could be heard from the doorway; my sport itself; it’s a good way to get out telling me at the time of the last world that made absolutely no dif- companions and I turned to find half aggression, creates companionship cup when I moaned about it that I’d be L ference to my life whatso- our friends barricaded by some rather and is a nice way to spend your time. grateful when we get a day off for win- ever although I do now know someone loud sports-type chappies (I have been It’s the sports mentality I have a prob- ning. Sorry sis, it ain’t gonna happen. who is five whole years old at Imperial informed they were footballers, not lem with. Why is there such a connec- Yet the West End’s theatres are in des- (*snigger*). No, last Wednesday marked rugby players, but how the hell would tion between sport and drinking, for a perate need for funding to stop them [Insert witty name] the grand tradition of Varsity, the day I know?). They were all wearing those start, surely it’s damaging your body falling down, our film industry is going where I usually bugger off someplace ties and one guy was even sporting a when you should be fighting fit. There down the drain and the government that isn’t campus or Richmond. Unfor- balaclava. So to cut a long story short, are so many drinking games and “dirty is only concerned with us doing more tunately for me I had to be at the Union we were effectively held hostage in the pints” associated with sports clubs sport, as it’ll stop obesity. that night. Union bar because of the sports-type which could alienate many people. Sport at Imperial seems to be such I know a lot of you like Varsity; I chappies. I finally managed to get out This can hardly entail having a good a big deal, Wednesday afternoon is can tell this from such Facebook pro- by smiling nicely at the bouncer guys time, can it? meant to be set aside for “sporting claiming “So-and-so is excited about and then shoving my way through the I guess it resorts from being rub- activities” whereas those wanting to varsity!!! Whoop whoop!!! let’s kick side of the sports-types chappies whilst bish at Games lessons, one time even do arty societies have to do it in their some medic ass!!!” No I do not wish to glaring evilly at them. being picked out as being one of the evenings. There’s Sport Imperial to kick some medic ass; I, in fact, have no I know that its meant to be tradition poorer kids in the class. The country look after it all. Where’s Art Imperial problems with medics. and only a bit of fun, but how come has grown up with this sports men- then for all of us that can’t throw a ball? Let me set the scene at the Union sport is allowed to set a precedent tality where it comes before anything There’s sports night every Wednesday that cruel, bleak Wednesday evening over everything? Varsity took up all else. Take the Olympics, for instance; at the Union, where’s Arts night? We that I descended from the third floor to three bars plus the outside area, leav- the taxpayers are paying millions of need to readdress the Sports-Arts- celebrate a good first night. Damn goes ing those who didn’t want to join in pounds for it to come to our coun- Drink balance at Imperial, Varsity can my anonymity; yes, I was at a show. So the “getting pissed as a newtness” a bit try... in 4 years time! Everytime there’s stay, but can we be more inclusive and anyway I managed to get to the Union stuck. Of course, those there probably no news, we’re subjected to another accept that there are those who don’t bar with not too much trouble; hell I didn’t realise that not everybody in the “young hopeful’s” heart-rending story want to get bare-faced drunk in the even managed to get a drink (when my world loves sport as much as them and of how they’re going to make it. The name of sport.

Class warfare

t this present hour, vari- of such an idea. Tea is not instant! Nor ous people are no doubt can it ever be made to be! Placing the doing various things, in milk in with a bag still in the process of that curious manner of a diffusing its ambrosia through the hot A truism always being true. water serves only to stifle and suffocate The studious will be revising some the divine essence that had been im- complicated lecture, fortifying their buing itself. No, tea is not primarily a grip of the subject matter. The clever drink; it is primarily a test of patience, are sleeping, a fact I am certain of be- care and a firm but tender hand (the Viscount cause my communications with a clev- sort of hand those people having rav- Kensington er chap confirmed this earlier. Perhaps enous and ravaging sexual intercourse he was lying, but then he is clever, and mentioned earlier might use if their no doubt appreciates the inexplicable procedure involved S&M or such like). truth that people that lie to me are so Tea must be brewed; the tea bag very often the subject of forensic study must be allowed to infuse itself into and questions of a nature similar to, pure water, with nothing to disrupt the “just how did that widget get so very ritual. I myself set the timer for three deep in his intestinal tract?” But such minutes, though it is accepted wisdom peculiarities are better left to philoso- that the brewing procedure may take phers and detectives and we should re- anywhere between three and five min- turn to the matter at hand. utes. Do less than this and you have The sick are no doubt observing the gnat’s piss. Do more than this and you symptoms their illness demands. An- have allowed it to stew. Present either other class of people I find the appro- of these results to your influential din- priate adjectives too vulgar to employ ner party guests and you will be ostra- are no doubt spending these moments cised from high society and will have partaking in ravenous and ravaging to seek cheap frills in some dingy tav- sexual intercourse and perhaps mutu- ern with the working class and their ally inducing each to shriek in a man- typhoid and dysentery. But this is what ner altogether more appropriate for shops in South Kensington continue to deterring murderers, double-glazing give me. salesmen and others of their dire ilk. Never mind that my ancestors But I, my dear peasants, peons, Lords built an Empire so that I could enjoy and Ladies, am a genius. Thus I, due to a steady flow of top quality tea. Well, my immensely charitable nature, am they contributed to the building of the awake at this time, creating this arti- Empire no doubt by growing potatoes cle so you might revel in some small (for army rations!) and being whipped scrap of my illustrious talents. There by English tyrants and the like. I sup- Tea must is no doubt many a buxom vixen de- pose also they occasionally joined the liriously desirous of my genius in other IRA and got hanged for treason but be brewed; the fields, but I choose to deprive her of a The perfect brew takes 3–5 minutes. No more. No less. You dolt on the plus side, this does allow me to tremendously wonderful (and being all alter nationality based on whomever is tea bag must too aware of my skills, no doubt short!) member of our college can rest eas- of despicable characters, possessed currently winning in that Six Nations game of chess in order to help enlight- ily while such an aberration against all with all the morals of a communist trol- curiosity. “ I think currently I’m Welsh; on the en your narrow peon minds with my that is sacrosanct continues to spread lop. The cretinous continentals (and be allowed to wisdom. its vile corruption. Those apathetic to all too often our own typically diligent basis of having a Welsh friend, but such No doubt all too many of you have this matter, or, God forbid it, actively working class sometimes succumbs to things are intrinsically fickle, sport be- infuse itself come across a most abject stain of the supporting it, deserve to be crushed this treachery, this defilement of their ing what it is. And for those reasons reputation of imperial. The beloved beneath a blasted tank and then re- heritage) employed in our London es- I am vastly overcharged, not least of into pure water, Prince Albert, who ever watches over peatedly shot like the filth they are. I tablishments, most frequently spotted all because for the price of a so-called us, would weep the oceans if he was talk of course, of tea. More specifically, around our ancient and most prestig- cup (a cardboard tube is not a cup, a with nothing alive today; God (my one, not yours, what every shop in South Kensington ious underground and railway stations, porcelain masterpiece dating from the your one is so utterly awful, I simply thinks passes for tea. think tea is a matter of boiling water, Georgian era is a cup) I could pay fif- to disrupt the cannot bear Him/Her/It/Them) rest Tea is not some puerile sludge like a tea bag and some milk thrown in for teen children to mine coal for me for a ritual his soul, he was truly a Prince among coffee; tea is not drunk by philistine good measure! I gawk in disbelief at year. No doubt Chancellor Metternich ” men, if you’ll forgive the pun. No harlots and ‘men’ (beasts, beasts I say!) the sheer morbid and perverse nature is behind it all, the wanker. Friday 7 March 2008 felix 7 [email protected] Comment Anti-Zionism in the BBC

fter reading Angry Geek’s So... Anti-Zionism in the BBC. opinion is very anti-Zionist. The real Israelis are solely devoted to complete call to arms last week I know this is Imperial; I assure you clincher for me was an article reporting conquest of the world, while the Pal- over my JCR chicken that I haven’t just fallen off the back of on a rocket attack that killed a group of estinians are the unsung heroes, pro- burger, I felt inspired to the SOAS bus, and for the sci-fi society Israeli citizens in the town of Sderot tecting us from their curly side-burned A take up the cause. Part- I’m not talking about the matrix either, “rare.” I mean, come on! It’s rare that rampage. ly (well, mostly) because £50 would but dear God the sheer anti-Israeli sen- nuns get stabbed to death by drugged Neither of which are true. Extrem- mean that I would be able to just afford timent in this country’s leading news up tweenagers on the District Line to ists on both sides are trying to extend a small lunch for one in a South Ken- source really, really disturbs me. Putney Bridge; but when it happens, their sphere of influence and protect sington café; but also because I greatly I would also like to declare a certain even the fairly level-headed BBC bray their own supply lines. The Israelis Kid A Geek enjoy Felix; it’s a brilliant rag full of level of neutrality. Despite a large nose about how this is indicative of the un- have more money and resources so witty, thought-provoking opinion that and indominitably curly sideburns, I controllable yoof of today. strike from the heavens like the hand it doesn’t attempt to pass off as fact am neither Jewish nor strictly Arabic, One thing I am not faulting the BBC of God, whereas the Palestinians have (but more on that later) and because I but I take a keener than usual interest on is their reporting of the fairly out- flexibility and clandestine backing so too enjoy writing. It’s like listening to in the events of the Middle East; and rageous treatment that the Israelis are can cause public destruction with no the sound of your own voice, but you like most people in Britain, I have a cer- giving the Palestinians. Not every resi- warning. can hear it again and again and again. tain indoctrinated trust for the beeb as dent of Gaza city is a militant member I suppose it is possibly this underdog Unfortunately, the last thing I ever our media outlet. We (supposedly) pay of Hamas, or every street vendor a gun nature that gives the Palestinians the wrote was my UCAS personal state- our TV license fee, and in return we runner. However the BBC give the edge in the British media. But this arti- ment application for the physics depart- have a news source free of “the man,” rhetoric spewed out by the right-wing cle isn’t about the British media in gen- ment. Whether or not it is indicative of with his giant dildo of TV ratings and nationalist nut job Israeli generals and eral: I’d expect populist flower-holding the quality of my personal statement, I commercial revenue, anally raping all politicians substantially more column girly men like the Independent to dis- am now a first year materials student. the innocent journalists who just want space than the rhetoric spewed out by play opinion drenched vitriol as front- Therefore I’m going to keep my first to tell the truth. the right-wing nationalist nut-job Pal- page fact. But from the BBC, our BBC, (last?) article on something simple. However, the BBC in my personal estinians; painting the image that the a lack of balance is deeply upsetting.

Angry Geek Idol ends here. Take it away Gilead!

Art and Science – in brief

lecturer of mine is in the hour vainly trying to find this quota- were the case. Ever since Keats blamed our very nature we are supposed to habit of starting each tion, and I’m now forced to mangle it Newton for ‘unweaving the rainbow’ be curious people – eager to find out hour off with a ‘quote of from memory. by explaining the physics behind it, more, to know more, to discover more the day’, to contribute The award-winning English novelist artists have tended to look at science in all directions. This is why scientists A something more than referred to modern artists and their as being rather crude and earthy; as throughout history have acquired a equations and theory to our general almost wilful ignorance of scientific opposed to the exalted planes of exist- reputation for breadth of knowledge education. Personally, I think this is a advances. Donne or Shakespeare, he ence on which they dwell. One of my outside the hard sciences. terrific idea. The reason I bring this up insists, would have raided quantum favourite quotations by Richard Feyn- This is the ideal situation. There are is because, at some point last week, he theory or relativity for metaphors to man, which I carry around in my wallet drawbacks, however. Whereas a stu- Gilead Amit read off an extract from Ian McEwan’s use in their own work, and rightly so. at all times, asks: “what men are poets dent who spends years studying his- Atonement. I saw no point in copying Currently, however, it seems to be a who can speak of Jupiter if he were a tory or English is going to end up with it down because I’ve acquired this 21st matter of pride for humanists to know man, but if he is an immense spinning a substantial amount of general knowl- Century confidence that absolutely nothing about science. sphere of methane and ammonia must edge – whether they like it or not – by anything worth finding can be found I don’t have enough experience to be be silent?” But I’m getting distracted. dint of reading, of listening, and of re- through a little refined Google search- able to confirm this view for myself, but Whereas artists do often look down gurgitation or analysis, there is no such ing. Not so. I’ve spent most of the last I certainly wouldn’t be surprised if this on science, I find that this cannot com- requirement for a scientist. An MSc is pare with the disdain scientists some- perfectly capable of knowing nothing times have for artists. My problem more than the theory and practice of with this state of affairs, though, is that their particular field. Scientists have whereas the former can be set down the potential to be better-rounded to lack of technical understanding, the than almost anybody else, yet by the latter is due to sheer arrogance and a same token they can also be the most misplaced feeling of superiority. Stu- deeply ignorant. dents of science are immensely lucky It is this aspect of Imperial that an- in that our horizons are as unbounded noys me the most. The fact that the Spring Mingle as possible. While a historian or a phi- person behind me in lectures can ask losopher can never acquire more than who Oscar Wilde was, or that an over- a passing familiarity with most scienc- heard conversation about Groucho feel the tingle! es, a physicist or a mathematician can Marx can contain the incredible line: have breathtaking scope in any artistic “any relation to Karl?” is deeply frus- field. This point was driven home to trating. I really don’t mean to sound me very forcefully when I discovered snobbish, and I apologise if I come that both my history teacher and my across as such; but we are supposed to English teacher at school had taken be the representatives of our fields. Live music, free food and drink, raffle prizes undergraduate degrees in physics. More than any other university in It was this realization, more than al- the English-speaking world, we are most anything else, that drove me to supposed to be the leading students of apply here. I can’t claim to have any the sciences. What sort of image do we Thursday 13 March 6pm - late historic or literary pretensions – as my give by isolating ourselves in our scien- paltry Felix output demonstrates – but tific cocoon, however vast it may be? dB’s, Beit Quad I certainly have a tremendous interest What does it say about us that we have in the humanities. While Imperial is no thought for the immense riches somewhat lacking in its ability to cater easily within our grasp if we just cared to these interests, I can indulge in them enough to try and collect them? FREE Entry - Bring your ID Card to my heart’s content in my spare time. This is as upset as you’ll see me get, While I can learn significant quantities I think, because this really is what ir- about Churchill, say, or Orwell or the ritates me the most. That scientists, History of Science by occasional read- who have such tremendous potential ing, none of my arts friends can hope as polymaths, whose curiosity should to learn about basic mechanics or elec- be second to none, who have always For more information E-mail: [email protected] tromagnetism without substantially enjoyed a reputation for being par- more effort. ticularly cultured, should settle into This is what I mean about scientists these stereotypes that are all too easy having a substantial advantage. By to break. 8 felix Friday 7 March 2008

Comment [email protected] Iran, the United States and the Conflict

or more than 3,000 years is no favourite of Tehran’s, one needs been continually renewed by President characters regarding Iran, it’s only be- Persia has been a melting pot to go back at least to 1953 when the Bush, citing the “unusual and extraor- cause it is – the same tone and twisted of civilizations and demo- U.S. and Great Britain overthrew Iran’s dinary threat” to U.S. national security reasoning and presumptions that were graphic movements between democratically elected Premier Mo- posed by Iran. used to prop Iraq into the kind of seri- FAsia and Europe. Successive hammad Mossadeq as part of a plan to In early 2002, during his first State ous threat it was made out to be. invasions by the Greeks, Arabs, Mon- ensure access to Iranian oil. of the Union address, U.S. President The devastation and loss of inno- gols and Turks developed the nation’s Iranians also remember Washing- George W. Bush said that Iran, Iraq, cent life suffered in Iraq would surely culture through rich and diverse phil- ton’s strong support for Saddam Hus- and North Korea were part of an “axis be surpassed in an attack on Iran. In osophical, artistic, scientific and reli- sein’s Iraq after it decided to make war of evil.” “Iran aggressively pursues addition to the massive humanitarian Safa Shoaee gious influences. on Iran in 1980. U.S. support for Iraq these weapons and exports terror, cost, it would also destroy any devel- Though the history of Iran is long (which included an implicit condoning while an unelected few repress the Ira- oping democratic movements in the and complex, its shape is determined of Saddam’s use of chemical weapons) nian people’s hope for freedom.” country. by the rise and fall of successive dy- was perhaps the crucial factor in stav- Despite the US National Intelligence 1,200 delegates from the global anti- nasties – with intervals of chaos and ing off an Iranian victory. Estimate and the most recent reports war movement agreed to a worldwide confusion. The most recent case of Under the Shah, the U.S was Iran’s from the International Atomic Energy co-ordinated demonstration calling complexity is dominated by Iran-US foremost economic and military part- Agency confirming Iran does not have for all troops to leave Iraq and Afghan- relations. ner. In fact, throughout the post-Sec- a nuclear weapon program underway, istan, and for there to be no attack on Political relations between Iran and ond World War era and up to 1979, the the U.S and Israel are still pursuing Iran. the United States began in the late emergence and existence of a power- their efforts on declaring another war, The 2003 demonstration played a 1800s but had little importance until ful Iran was the core of the US policy this time against Iran. crucial role in halting talk of invading the post-World War II era of petrole- under various administrations (both On March 20 2003 the U.S. and Iran. um exports from the Persian Gulf. Republican and Democrat) as a vital Britain, along with other countries, We keep marching and protesting Despite the recent concerns and ac- source of peace and stability in the launched a military invasion “to dis- because the policies of mass murder tions of the USA towards Iran’s activi- Middle East and Western Asia. arm Iraq of weapons of mass destruc- and devastation are opposed by the ties in terms of sanctions against Iran, After 1979, however, commercial tion, end Saddam Hussein’s support vast majority of people. It is why on by going back a few decades in time, relations between Iran and the United for terrorism, and to free the Iraqi Saturday 15 March, a national demon- one finds the reflection and the cycle States were restricted by U.S. sanc- people.” stration in London has been organised of history and perhaps the origins of tions. Sanctions originally imposed in If all of the above sounds fright- as part of the worldwide day of protest the hatred between U.S. and Iran. 1995 by President Clinton (independ- eningly familiar with all the recent against George Bush’s wars on the fifth To remember why the United States ent of Iran’s nuclear activities) have rhetoric coming from the same cast of anniversary of the Iraq invasion. I *heart* Armenia

ith Islamic Im- age Improvement week over and the smooth transi- W tion to GAW – Genocide Awareness Week, a nation clouded in public apathy has sprung to everyone’s lips: Armenia. After that, “Ohh, wasn’t that where the genocide happened…” is the most common, pre- Scorpio dictable, response; the sole hallmark of the country. True, the disaster was Hitler’s inspiration and the start to the bloodiest century of history. But to la- bel the land a ‘crater’ and consign it to a dusty memory box alongside Rwanda is to do the nation a disservice. Anyone who has played Rome: Total War knows how much Armenia kicked ancient ass (48 armoured-to-the-eyelid cataphracts? Hell yes!) For those poor souls/console ‘gamers,’ who couldn’t differentiate between a keyboard and an orchestra, Armenia is situated to Metal legends *cough*, System Of A Down, are actually Armenian. No joke the south of the Steppes, to the east of Cappadocia, in the Caucasus. Try add- ing those to your Word dictionary. To Ouzounian, author of the popular and still wore skirts in Londinium. and has since been a democracy. A the north lies Russia, the pinnacle of controversial site thebestpageinthe- After the fall of Rome, Armenia en- modern peace partner of NATO and a world democracy, and Georgia, as sta- universe.com. On the British side, we joyed a brief empire of its own, later member of the CIS and World Trade ble and open as resting on an open sta- have Natasha Shishmanian, the wife of even relocating to Cilicia, the bit of Organisation, 78% of Armenians fa- ble door. East is Azerbaijan, who have Chris Evans, and David Dickinson, Mr coast north of Cyprus. Alas, it was not vour joining the EU. been at war with Armenia since the Orange himself. to last. An invasion (surprise, surprise) Currently, the democracy of Arme- 1990’s. South is Iran, and west lies Tur- If you believe the Old Testament, by the Islamic Caliphate led to hun- nia is under threat. This week, eight key, formerly the heartland of the Ot- we’re all Armenian; Noah beached his dreds more years of seesaw fighting people died after the army dispersed toman Empire and perpetrator of the ocean liner on Mt Ararat (well, if we between the Persians and the Otto- a peaceful, ‘illegal’ protest in Yerevan. 1895-1917 genocide. And you thought listen to science, we’re all Kenyan. Pfft.) mans. After two-thousand odd years of Many Armenians fear the election was your neighbours were bad. Despite Most of the current population belongs occupation, the Armenians had quite rigged and their protests artificially this, the landscape is stunning, with to the Armenian Apostolic Church. rightly had enough. The Ottomans, buried in a week dominated by news mountains topped by snow, crystal Armenia was, in fact, the first nation convulsed with economic and politi- of Russian and American elections. clear rivers and a temperate climate. to declare Christianity as the state reli- cal decay and grabbing nationalism, All media outlets have been prevent- Armenia is one of the few countries gion back in 301 CE. After a long spell feared a possible independence move- ed from free broadcasting and public Anyone with a larger citizenry outside the bor- as a vassal of Persia, Alexander the ment and felt fully justified in pillaging, gatherings banned under military rule. ders than in. Although its population is Great, then the Seleucids, then Persia, drowning, raping, looting, hanging and The worst riots since those against who has played 3.2 million, most of whom live around then Pontus, then Rome, subsequently shooting all Armenians they found. Soviet rule have thus gone unnoticed the capital Yerevan, around 8 million subdued it. Like two art students fight- Hundreds of thousands were marched around the world. Rome: Total live abroad, with high concentrations ing over one remaining liquorice all- through the Syrian desert; those that Still, with strong annual GDP “ in the US, France and Italy. Arising sort, Armenia changed hands multiple fell were beaten and left on the rocks growth, increasing Human Develop- War knows how courtesy of Turkey, the diaspora con- times between the Romans and the to die. The Young Turks were also kind ment Index, improving relations with tributes significantly to Armenia’s Parthians. It was during this time that enough to extend the same sympa- the US, EU and Turkey, and a possible economy, which is supplemented by a ‘chivalric code’ appeared amongst the thetic treatment to the Assyrians and resolution with Azerbaijan over the much Armenia industry, mining and oil processing. military of Armenia, alongside heav- Greeks, whose settlements had existed war-torn Nagorno-Karabakh province Famous Armenians? System Of A ily armoured, lanced cavalry that both in Anatolia for three millennia. on the horizon, there is much going kicked ancient Down springs to mind for those mu- empires desired. Yep, you read that After a short-lived period as a repub- for Armenia. Not since times long past ass sic-lovers out there. Perhaps the most right: Armenia practically invented the lic, Armenia was incorporated into the has Armenia had the opportunity to ” grandiose is Maddox, a.k.a George knight in shining armour whilst Celts USSR. It gained independence in 1991 embrace a free future. SummerImperial College London Ball 2008 21.06.2008 Special Advance Ticket Prices End Last Day-Of-Term March 19 2008, 14:00

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£50 from £55 March 19 at 14:00 info and tickets at imperialcollegeunion.org/summerball 10 felix Friday 7 March 2008

Science Science Editor – Ed Henley [email protected] Climate change puts king penguins in hot water Warming seas mean King Penguins have to travel further to forage, limiting their reproductive success

Laura Starr the temperature of the ocean surface. two decades – the threat to the penguin Organisms at the low trophic levels population can clearly be inferred. Scientists have confirmed that glo- (further down in the food chain) are The investigation was carried out on bal warming is a severe threat to the only able to thrive at a narrow temper- the sub Antarctic species, Aptenodytes King Penguin population, having an ature range. The warmer the surface of patagonicus, found on Possession Is- effect on their survival and breeding the water, the less marine life there is land in the Crozet Archipelago, locat- patterns. A recent study, led by Yvon close to the colony and hence the fur- ed in the southern Indian Ocean. It is Le Maho from the Institut Hubert ther the penguins have to go in order in this area where around two-thirds Curien in Strasbourg, tracked 456 in- to fish. During the summer months, of the world’s King Penguin population dividual penguins over a nine year the penguins have been seen to travel reproduce, a staggering two million period and found that even a small in- between 300-600 km away from the birds. crease in temperature, reflecting exist- colony, as the warmer Southern Ocean The penguins were monitored in ing climate change predictions, poses sea surface has hindered the develop- their natural environment via elec- an enormous danger and significant ment of marine life forms near the tronic tags, which were implanted un- extinction risk for these charismatic colony. der their skin. Maho and his colleagues creatures. The results were published Counterintuitively, this warming were the first group to carry out this in the February 11th issue of PNAS. doesn’t only occur in the summer: method of research; past studies used Many consider climate change to during the winter period, the ocean numbered rings attached to each bird’s be the most significant environmen- surface temperature has been shown wing.However, this method of track- tal challenge facing mankind at this to increase by around 0.26°C, which ing was shown to hinder the penguin’s moment in time. Its effects include leads to a population collapse of ma- swimming ability. Furthermore, pen- extreme weather patterns, rising sea rine organisms then too, explaining guins fitted with these rings have been levels and in some areas a reduction why the King Penguins have been seen shown to have a reduction in repro- in food resources. Importantly, Earth’s to travel up to 2000 km away during ductive success and life expectancy. warming patterns are strongest in po- this period. In contrast, fitting the birds with the lar regions, where temperatures have Unsuprisingly, as well as a decrease electronic tags was shown to have no risen five times faster than the global in marine life forms, warmer Southern impact on how they go about their average over the past 50 years. It’s this Ocean sea surface temperatures are daily life. warming which makes climate change also connected with an abrupt decline This key study not only reflects the as much of a challenge for penguins as in the penguin population’s reproduc- effect of global warming on biodiversi- mankind. tive success. With less food available ty but importantly its additional wider Penguins are marine predators, posi- for consumption and to bring back effect on marine food chains, which tioned at the top of the Antarctic food to the young, the little chicks have an can lead to an imbalance of organisms chain. Studying their population dy- abridged likelihood of survival. Us- throughout the trophic levels. namics can reflect the evolution of ma- ing the data collected, a mathematical The penguin population has limited rine supplies such as krill, which nestle model was produced, which was used options, with an increase in the tem- at the bottom of the food chain. The to predict a subsequent 9% drop in the perature of the ocean sea surface be- adult penguins swim to and from their penguin’s survival two years later. The ing inevitable. Will they adapt to the colony to collect food for themselves Intergovernmental Panel on Climate changing global environment and sur- and their offspring, with the distance Change has predicted that Earth will vive? Or will they fall as a defenseless King Penguins. Emperor Penguins may go on marches, but these little travelled being directly correlated with warm by 0.2°C per decade for the next victim of climate change? critters are swimmers, making epic foraging journeys of up to 2000 km

Total recall? Investigating memory differences between the sexes

Tamsin Osborne it comes to remembering where the car keys are—a task that requires both It’s often said that men don’t ask for verbal and visuospatial skills. Where directions and women never forget a men rely on their spatial awareness, face. Hackneyed though they are, it’s women use words to remember an ob- starting to look like these stereotypes ject’s position. And it’s not just inani- might have a biological basis mate objects that women are better at Psychologists Agneta Herlitz and remembering. Jenny Rehnman from the Karolinska It is well know among psychologists Institute in Stockholm, Sweden, have that women are better than men at been investigating the accuracy of recognising faces. Dr Herlitz and Dr these age-old anecdotes. According to Rehnman wondered if perhaps women their research, women and men have recognised faces by verbalising them— different strengths when it comes to mentally filing descriptions of people, memory, with women coming out on such as ‘blonde, blue-eyed, and hand- top. Their findings were published some’. Their experiments didn’t an- yesterday in Current Directions in Psy- swer their question, but they did reveal chological Science. something even more intriguing: wom- By testing the recall of groups of men en remember the faces of other women and women, Dr Herlitz and Dr Rehn- better than those of other men. man showed that women excel at re- To investigate further, the research- membering words, odours and faces, ers showed three groups of men and while men are better at tasks requiring women a series of androgynous faces. good spatial awareness, like remem- The images were presented to the first bering the route out of a maze. group as ‘female faces’, to the second The key difference here is women’s group as ‘male faces’, and to the third superior verbal processing abilities. group as simply ‘faces’. The women When verbal information is available, remembered the faces best when they Forget-me-nots should be the official flower for Mother's day. Did you remember this year? women gain the upper hand. So, while were presented as female faces, where- men might be better at finding their as this information made no difference way back out of a forest, women would to the men. This indicated that the researchers suggest could account for tors as well as gender. These gender- stress that more research is required be better at finding their way back to women were remembering the female this effect in grown women. specific memory differences are seen before we can fully understand the the hotel in a foreign city, where more faces better because they were paying Over time, interactions with other all over the world, but the magnitude biological and evolutionary origins of easily verbalised information would be more attention to them. girls would strengthen this ability in of difference varies according to social these observations. available. Although, presumably, this Research in young children has women, while growing boys would and cultural factors. In the meantime, these finding might would be less of a problem for women shown that both girls and boys can cat- lose their advantage through interact- These results offer an intriguing in- serve as a useful excuse for forgetful anyway, with their ability to ask for egorise female faces better than male ing predominantly with other boys, or sight into the truth behind the anecdo- men as well as those reluctant to ask directions. faces. This makes sense if you consider so the theory goes. tal reports of men’s failure to remem- for directions, preferring instead to This tendency to verbalise informa- that babies tend to see more female Complicated processes like memory ber people they’ve met or where they rely on their visuospatial processing. tion also puts women in the lead when faces at an early age, a fact that the are determined by environmental fac- left things. However, the researchers Now, where did I put those car keys… Friday 7 March 2008 felix 11 [email protected] Science Vein melter: Anthrax and zebrafish embryos Monitoring what anthrax does to zebrafish veins might help improve treatments for the disease in humans

Edmund Henley force of "cleaner" phagocyte cells to can only be made via dissections, pre- dye which allows living and dead cells Science Editor destroy them, but recent studies have venting successive measurements on to be distinguished, it was seen that also shown that a combination of the the same animal. these leakages occurred without As bacteria go, anthrax is pretty un- lethal factor and the antigen, known Zebrafish embryos, however, are the cells which make up the ves- pleasant. Not only can it enter the hu- as lethal toxin (LeTx) is responsible transparent, and so it is possible to sel walls dying – something else man body via the skin, or through the for typical anthrax symptoms such as monitor the blood flow in was responsible for the leaks. digestive system, but also via the lungs blood-vessel leakages and the build-up their vessels without re- The culprit turned out – unusually for a bacterium, anthrax of fluid surrounding the lungs. sorting to invasive tech- old zebrafish to be particular chemical can create spores, able to survive for It's the details of how LeTx causes niques – it can be done embryos, the re- pathway, known to be impli- very long times outside a host, turning blood vessels to leak which Robert E. remotely, using searchers were cated in vessel permeability. By back into bacteria when they re-enter. Bolcome III and other colleagues from fluorescence mi- able to show that blocking this VEGFR pathway, If enough of these spores are inhaled, the Harvard Medical School set out to croscopy. This LeTx caused three the researchers were able to pulmonary anthrax, a particularly fatal investigate. As reported recently in the relies on injecting types of reaction reduce the numbers of em- form of the disease, can develop. Cou- Proceedings of the National Academy fluorescent poly- in the fish, each re- bryos in the mild and severe pled with the ease with which airborne of Sciences, one of the problems they mer microspheres action class being de- categories. spores can be dispersed, these charac- had to overcome lay in finding a suit- a few hundred nanome- fined by the circulation present This suggests that the teristics make "weaponised" anthrax a able "model" – mammal blood-vessels tres wide into the embryos' vessels – 20 hours after the toxin was injected. VEGFR pathway is worth ex- formidable biological weapon, capable are bur- "Wild-type" cases had normal circula- ploring further – the scien- of rendering infected areas uninhabit- tion, mild cases showed reduced cir- tists conclude that targeting able for decades. culation, whilst severe cases had no this pathway may increase What the bacteria circulation at all. the effectiveness of anthrax do inside the treatments in humans. Fur- body is no less thermore, as vessel leakage sordid. As occurs in a number of they travel other diseases, such as from the in- Ebola or haemorrhagic fection site, fever, they suggest simi- they emit a lar studies would be toxic three-part worth pursuing in cocktail of proteins, Monitoring the those cases – un- one part of which, the pro- when il- progress of embryos over derstanding the tective antigen, is able to help the luminated, these time, the researchers found this re- role vessels play other two parts – the lethal and oede- microspheres show up as duction in circulation was associated may in fact yield a rich ma factors – inside cells, where they ied within bright spots in images of the embryos, with leaking vessel walls – almost all vein of techniques for tackling these can wreak havoc. opaque tissues, preventing the effect spots whose progress can be followed embryos with poor circulation showed afflictions. Enough to make it worth Not only does this allow the bacte- of the toxin on live vessels from being over time without killing the fish. microspheres escaping the vessels. turning any number of zebrafish green ria to ward off attempts by the body's monitored over time. Observations Using this technique on two day- However, using acridine orange, a around the gills. 12 felix Friday 7 March 2008

Politics Politics Editors – Li-Teck Lau and Kadhim Shubber [email protected] Hillary: a very female candidate Abioye Oyetunji on why Hillary Clinton’s campaign hurts and is detrimental to the feminist cause

woman becoming “the most powerful man in the world” should surely be the climax of female A empowerment, and the fact that this year marked the first real- istic possibility of this occurring should put the Hillary Rodham Clinton name right up there with Joan of Arc and Boudicca. Instead, the comparisons I just made probably made you snort in disbelief. Rather than proclaiming this as a historically important moment in the struggle, the feminist powers-that- be have all but ignored Mrs Clinton’s White House bid. It’s not that having a female Ameri- can President wouldn’t be a good thing; it’s a position of great, if often overstat- ed, importance and, if she were to be successful, just one term could silence hordes of disbelievers in sexual equal- ity just as Margaret Thatcher did in the seventies. What diminishes this potentially historic achievement is the woman Hillary Clinton has the chance to be the most powerful individual on Earth, but is it a triumph for female empowerment? in question seeming to owe all her achievements to, you guessed it, a man. It doesn’t help when the one in ques- reserved only for the candidate, such achievements are no longer popular, in member, while listening to a war casu- propagate another stereotype by en- tion is a smooth-talking, skirt-chasing as bargaining with party bigwigs such which case she actually disagreed with alty’s mother describe his heroics, or gaging in severe mood swings; one day specimen, who once sexually pleasured as Ted Kennedy, implying Mrs Clinton them the entire time). when visiting the cancer ward of a chil- she is telling us how proud she is to be a 22-year old intern with a cigar in the does not have the negotiating abilities But it is not just the prominence of dren’s hospital. However, choking up running against Barack Obama, the Oval Office (possibly the most chau- to do so (a strange message to send for her husband that makes her a bad can- because you are losing in opinion polls next she is virulently berating him for vinist act one could possibly imagine). a Presidential candidate). didate for a female role model. In order should spell the end of your candidacy reasons no one can understand. I have Unfortunately, as far as we all can Comparisons to other female world to play to votes, Mrs. Clinton has com- (and I daresay, if Hillary had been a no idea how or why this strategy was tell, the only reason Hillary Clinton leaders paint Mrs. Clinton’s independ- mitted some horrendous feminist no- man, it would have). Voters (predomi- expected to work politically, but it’s es- managed to get a shot at being the ence issues in a particularly bad light. no’s on the campaign trail. nantly female) rallied around her over sentially a gift on a golden platter for 44th President is because she is mar- Angela Merkel’s husband is famously Playing to female stereotypes may this moment, and she won the primary. any sexist observers. ried to the 42nd. It did not have to invisible; he is known as “the Phantom help win votes, but once this elec- If the first female American President I feel sorry for Hillary because she be so glaring – Hillary could possibly of the Opera” in the German press. tion season is over and the dust set- gets there on a wave of national pity, is likely an intelligent and competent have convinced everyone of her in- Jokes abound that Denis Thatcher tles, she may have a lot to answer for the Women’s Lib movement could be woman. My guess is that she is prob- dependence had she kept Bill in the used to attend the “mothers’ teas” with Women’s Lib groups who do not put back decades. ably a cool-headed and rational think- background for the entire campaign events when their son, Mark, was at consider such behaviour helpful in the When the press started to ignore her er, with good decision-making skills. and dissociated herself from his ad- Harrow. Hillary, on the other hand, long run. after losing a long series of primaries, However, she has chosen to play all this ministration. Instead, he was brought has not just made it clear her husband First, and most glaring, was the teary Mrs Clinton kicked up a strop-fest down in her campaign and play po- to the forefront, sending an unforgiv- will be playing a key, potentially lead, moment before the New Hampshire of claims of unfair treatment (even litical games that only make her seem able message: “Don’t worry, you can role in her administration, but has tire- primary. Certainly there are valid rea- though the press does this to virtu- desperate, badly organised and unsta- vote for the wife, it’ll still be Bill run- lessly traded on his name, attempting sons a candidate might shed a tear ally all candidates who seem unlikely ble. However, American voters can rest ning the show”. Mr. Clinton has even to take credit for his achievements in during their campaign; when giving a to win). Graduating from there, Mrs assured, the Clinton campaign insists; gone as far as performing tasks usually the White House (except where said moving talk on the death of a family Clinton’s recent strategy has been to her man’s supervising. News stories from around the known world

Li-Teck Lau mates of several hundred tanks being No Lisbon Treaty referendum whip to abstain from voting, seeing on energy resources from Russia, some Politics Editor quoted by the Reuters news agency. no less than 3 front bench politicians 80% flowing through Ukrainian pipes. “The concept of our mobilization is not resign. Ratification will now be passed The move comes mere days after In depth political analysis is so 1980’s. against the people of Colombia ... but onto the House of Lords. Dmitry Medvedev, chair of the board Back then shoulder pads weren’t ironic. of Gazprom, won Russia’s Presidential As a fully paid up member of the iPod Don’t forget to pay your gas bill elections, and is a further worsening generation, I too find it hard to con- of relations between formerly united sume news not set out sparsely amid countries since pro-west President pretty pictures. Yushchenko came to power in 2004.

Venezuela prepares for war Clinton clings on

Over in the US, the marathon selec- tion process for Presidential candi- dates in November’s election to suc- ceed George Bush continues. John The UK parliament decided in a vote McCain finally triumphed in the race against the expansionist ambitions of of 311 to 248 not to hold a national for the Republican Party nomination, the (U.S.) empire” Venezuela’s defence referendum on whether to ratify the receiving the incumbent’s blessing on minister said. Columbia recently sent EU Lisbon Treaty. The conservative Wednesday, and Hillary Clinton gained specialist forces into Ecuador with the party claims that the latest treaty to ground after last week’s series of pri- aim of killing communist rebels it sees come out of Brussels infringes on Brit- The Russian petroleum company maries dubbed ‘Super Tuesday Part II”. as a threat. Chavez, who is a staunch ain’s sovereignty and requires a public Gazprom halved its supplies of natu- Mrs Clinton ended a losing streak of ally of President Correa of Ecuador, vote. The Liberal Democrats, who ral gas over two days last week to the 11 states and avoided possible knock believes the move is part of a US lead have fallen significantly in the opinion Ukraine, following a dispute in which out by winning major states Texas and campaign to destabilise socialist South polls since David Cameron because the Eastern European country is al- Ohio. There have since been talks of America. Major regional power Brazil leader of the opposition, appear to leged to owe US$600m to the oil gi- running together against Mr McCain Venezuela has mobilised troops along has urged restraint in a crisis that could have been the biggest casualties how- ant. It raised eyebrows of concern in as both candidates prepare for a con- its border with Columbia, with esti- plunge the continent into war. ever, with 13 MPs defying a 3-line- Western Europe, which relies heavily test which may run into late summer. Friday 7 March 2008 felix 13 [email protected] Politics Power-sharing talks in Kenya stall Kofi Annan announces that talks in Kenya, aimed at reconciling ethnic groups, have been suspended

Katya-yani Vyas election, while the president blames room where the Kenyan government to create the post of prime minister, well as how to divide powers between Odinga for instigating the ethnic vio- and the opposition have been negoti- which would be taken by Mr Odinga, a prime minister and a president, the On Tuesday the 26th of February, talks lence that has left over 1,000 people ating were generally quite positive. Of- leading to hopes that a final deal was rivals are also split on sharing cabinet targeted at ending violence in Kenya dead and forced 300,000 people to flee ficials from the government Party of immi- nent. However, positions and the possibility of a new broke down after the bitter rivals in their homes after rival gangs, organ- National Unity (PNU) and the oppo- they still need- election if the coalition collapses. the dispute as to who was the victor in ised largely on ethnic lines, went on sition Orange Democratic Movement ed to finalise The opinion in Britain and indeed the December elections failed to come the rampage. Negotiators for the two (ODM) were saying that “progress was what powers much of the West is that the Kenyan to an agreement on a power sharing had agreed in principle to create a new being made”. he would army is now the best option to stop deal. Kofi Annan, the former UN sec- But agreement was being found on have. As a sectarian bloodbath occurring, one retary general, has been leading the straightforward issues; the items at the worse than the product of the violence negotiations and has announced that “The army is the top of the agenda drawn up by former that erupted in December. The foreign the talks have been suspended, a move UN Secretary General Kofi Annan office minister for Africa, Asia and the that will prompt fears of renewed vio- best option to were non-contentious. It was almost UN, Mark Malloch-Brown, indicated lence. In a diplomatic move to try and as if he was trying to get the two sides a serious risk of renewed bloodshed if compromise, Annan announced that stop a sectarian into the habit of concurring because talks broke down irrevocably. he would communicate with the lead- he knew that the more complicated is- The violence had died down recently ers directly to try and reinvigorate ne- bloodbath” sues lay ahead, and they would be best as a result of Annan’s brokering gotiations which have been staggering tackled by two sides who have at least of negotiations, but he called along for weeks without any success. “I prime minister’s post for the opposi- been able to find common ground a pause to the talks yesterday hope these people will understand this tion, but they failed to agree over just on something. after several fruitless weeks. is a move intended to speed up action,” how much power such a post would Correspondents have indicated However, western observers Annan said of his decision. It is unclear carry. In addition, according to the that the parties will not bow to believe that extremists on whether they will; Kenyan politics and Kenyan media, the government has international pressure, Con- both sides have used the public opinion are extremely volatile. back-tracked on pledges to offer the doleeza Rice coming in for lull to regroup and prepare The problems centre around the two opposition some real power. criticism regarding certain for another, potentially opposing party leaders, Kibaki, the This is disappointing as after the first comments that suggested bloodier, bout of violence president, and Odinga, the opposition few days of talks intended to find a so- that bilateral relations in Kenya.”We’re going to party leader. The Former has been lution to the Kenyan election crisis, between the US and have to stop the violence,” accused by his rival of stealing the the impressions emanating from the Kenya could suffer un- Malloch-Brown said. less progress was made “The Kenyan military is in negotiations. The by far the best option. Kenyan Foreign Min- The question is, can the ister has countered this, army be brought in, in a citing that Kenya’s interna- non-divisive way?” tional friends were free to support the The army is, unlike the negotiation process but not to impose police, still respected by any kind of threatening solution on the Kenyan public as a genu- the conflict. inely national and multi-ethnic Mr Annan, who has been residing institution, but its generals are in Kenya for more than a month in increasingly reluctant to involve an attempt to reach a settlement, is themselves because they want expected to now meet the African to maintain its status and unity. Union head, Tanzanian President Annan is believed to have now Jakaya Kikwete, who is also in the issued an ultimatum to Kibaki country to help broker negotia- and Odinga, telling them they tions and discuss what solutions were facing their last chance to can be reached. In Nairobi, resi- contain the conflict before it dents have expressed their desire tore their country apart. ”The for peace, fearing an even more talks have not broken down,” violent fallout from the political Annan told reporters later. tensions. It is widely agreed now that “But I am taking steps to make the two leaders will have to become sure we accelerate the process and directly involved in talks rather than give peace to the people as soon as acting through negotiators to main- possible.” tain any kind of progress “The leaders What is on the horizon for Ken- have to assume their responsibilities ya, an end to the political struggle and become directly engaged in these or an escalation of the violence that talks,” Mr Annan said. could eventually bring the country Kenyan President Mwai Kibaki Both sides had agreed last week to its knees?

Dry Wit & Tonic 14 felix Friday 7 March 2008

Politics [email protected] The facts about the Lisbon Treaty No straight bananas here, only a balanced and fair analysis on the Lisbon Treaty and how it affects you

James Goldsack

Debate has been raging in the House of Commons this week concerning a pos- sible referendum for the EU’s Lisbon Treaty, the successor to the EU Con- stitution. This culminated on Tuesday with Liberal Democrat foreign affairs spokesman Edward Davey being or- dered out of the House of Commons. Mr. Davey was angered at the deputy speaker’s decision not to allow a debate on their idea for a referendum on EU membership, claiming he was “gagged”. Other MPs walked out in solidar- ity, showing disregard for the deputy speaker and his “outrageous” decision. Having a referendum on the EU Treaty in theory gives the people the opportunity to decide for themselves whether to sign up. However, a ref- erendum requires the electorate to understand the issue and with one as complex and divisive as this, is it wise to allow the general public to decide? If there is to be a referendum, the people need to know what effects the Treaty will have on their lives and the sover- eignty of the country. The following questions will hopefully give you an insight into the issues involved in the ratification of the Lisbon Treaty.

What role will the EU President have?

The Treaty will change the role of the President of the Council of the Europe- an Union, only one of many presiden- tial posts. This Council is comprised of all member states of the EU. The presidency will not be held by a mem- ber state as has been the case up till now; instead a single person will hold the position. The President will be a top politician, elected by prime min- isters and national presidents, the top representatives of each member state in the Council of the European Union. The new president will be in power for a term of 30 months, increased from 6. With the possiblity of an EU President post being created, will we see Tony Blair in a new position? The President will not have any execu- tive powers and there will continue to be separate presidents of the European tion of one figure as the President does Union for Foreign Affairs and Security and have lots of staff working for the but if this is to occur it will be so far Commission and European Parlia- not change how the EU and member Policy which in practice is an amal- office. As this person will be speak- down the line that the details cannot ment. The Treaty does not rule out the states deal with signing international gamation of two current positions: ing on behalf of all 27 member states, be predicted; for the time being there merging of any of these positions but treaties. foreign policy and security chief, cur- they will probably be more important is no indication at all that the EU can it does not instigate it. Three countries rently Javier Solana, and External Re- internationally than any individual or will join the UN. The Treaty does will run councils to discuss legislation Will there be an EU foreign min- lations Commissioner, Benita Ferrero- national foreign secretary. However, say that when all member states adopt in areas such as employment, the envi- ister who will overrule national Waldner. The new position will have Javier Solana already has a louder voice a common foreign policy, those coun- ronment, communications and trans- figures? the diplomatic power of the former than most member states. The High tries on the Security Council will ask port. This maintains the old system and the financial capabilities of the Representative will only be able to im- for the High Representative to present of state presidencies but in a power- Not as such. The Treaty creates a new latter position. The new High Repre- plement policy agreed unanimously by the EU position. This would only oc- sharing arrangement. The introduc- position of High Representative of the sentative will be a powerful position the member states so they could often cur if there was unanimous agree- be left without any input into proceed- ment within the EU. Javier Solana has ings. A declaration, a statement of po- already presented the EU position on litical intent, has been inserted into the many occasions. This does not prevent Treaty saying the creation of the high the member states individually making representative does not “affect the re- their own statements. A declaration in sponsibilities of the member states... the Treaty states that the EU’s common for the formulation and conduct of foreign and security policy will not af- their foreign policy”. Although not le- fect a member state’s membership of gally binding, declarations are taken the UN Security Council. into account in the European Court of Justice. Does it give national govern- ments a bigger say? What position will the EU have in the UN? Yes. There are procedures in the Treaty which require national governments The Treaty increases the ability to have to be notified of proposed legislation. a common foreign policy and although The governments can then challenge some countries would like to see the the introduction of this legislation. EU have a permanent seat on the Unit- However, the EU can overrule national ed Nations Security Council, the UN governments but the introduction of a charter specifies that the seats are for forum for dissent is an improvement “states” only. Therefore the EU, being over previous treaties. The treaty at- an international organisation, can- tempts to encourage national govern- not join. Some claim it is only a mat- ments to involve themselves with Eu- ter of time before France and the UK ropean legislation and governance; one Liberal Democrat MP Ed Davey speaks to his constituents after being thrown out of Parliament lose the seats to be replaced by the EU clause specifies ““National parliaments Friday 7 March 2008 felix 15 [email protected] Politics shall contribute actively to the good ecution and intervention. As a guar- the constitution itself was not as big a as immigration, asylum and some oth- functioning of the Union”. Some Brit- antee, Britain has negotiated a clause step as it was made out to be; the most er policies already are. However, Brit- Apparently ish MPs objected to this as it appears which says no court can rule that the important difference between it and ain has negotiated the right to pick and to be an order. However, the new treaty “laws, regulations or administrative any other treaty was that it brought choose whether to take part in Justice war is cannot force governments to involve provisions, practices or action” of the together all the foundational treaties and Home Affairs legislation. themselves but it is an attempt to help UK are inconsistent with the principles into one document instead of amend- bring the EU in the right direction, laid down in the charter. Many MEPs ing them. The new positions created of Will the European Court get new awesome... with more integration between mem- are unhappy with this legally-binding President and High Representative are powers? ber states and the EU institutions. clause as it flies in the face of the un- still answerable to the member states. derlying principle that EU law should The EU is a very complex organisa- Yes, its mandate will spread into new Will the Charter of Fundamental be the same for all member countries. tion and changes that strengthen it do areas. The European Court of Jus- Human Rights affect UK law? This clause introduced by Britain not necessarily weaken the individual tice will be able to rule on more cases shows a certain amount of disrespect governments. concerning Justice and Home Affairs. The Charter of Fundamental Human for Europe and our neighbours. However, for Britain, only those areas Rights was agreed in 2000 as a decla- Will the UK lose its veto? we choose to sign up to can be under ration and as such is not legally bind- Is it a major transfer of power to the European Court’s jurisdiction so ing. The Lisbon Treaty will correct this the EU? In some areas, yes. However, this is not this will have only a limited and unim- and make the Charter legally binding. necessarily a bad thing. With increas- portant effect on this country. Some say this will allow the European It transfers some power to the EU but ing membership it becomes harder to Court to rewrite national laws in social not very much; it is certainly not a ma- make decisions if all votes have to be Will we lose our commissioner? matters such as strikes, social security jor transfer. Many see the Treaty as one unanimous. Many areas will still have Samuel Black and working hours. Some European more step in the EU’s pursuit of “ever unanimous voting and therefore the Only some of the time. Currently each Political Know-It-All Court judges believe this is how the closer union” and not a particularly UK will keep its veto. By introducing member state has one commis- system should work and they may have dramatic one, certainly compared to majority voting, the member states are sioner and it was not his last week has seen a a good point. It would help maximise the Sin- gle European Act or pooling sovereignty, encouraging co- so long ago that the string of anti-war and pac- the integration between the different Maas- tricht Treaty, two operation. The most important place larger states had two. ifist groups disband and countries and as movement of labour ground- breaking where unanimity has been lost is in The Treaty states renounce their views. It is is free within the EU, why shouldn’t agree- ments. Many the area of Justice and Home Affairs. that each country T an unprecedented time of other aspects of work or social mat- MEPs feel that the Police and judicial cooperation of will lose their com- self-criticism and re-evaluation in the ters be universal? If this is the case, it Treaty has been member states will now be de- missioner for five hippie community. Among the groups is certain the European Court will not watered down cided by a majority vote years at a time. From that have broken up are Imperial soci- intervene beyond what the member too much and there 2014 only two thirds of ties such as Student Respect and Stop states feel is acceptable as the EU is is not enough sub- all member states will the War. answerable to the states. Some people stance there to lead have a commissioner at The dramatic u-turn has been at- believe that the Charter is only appli- to more integration. any one time and the seats tributed to the return of Prince Harry cable when countries apply EU law. Opponents will say will be assigned by rotation from active-duty in Afghanistan and There is a lot of debate over which is that many politicians every 5 years. However, this is the media coverage that has accompa- the proper interpretation of the Treaty. see the Lisbon Treaty based upon there being 27 mem- nied it. The end of the voluntary media Most social legislation is national so as a stepping stone to an bers; if more states join the EU, the blackout has meant that the details of governments would be safe from pros- EU Constitution. However, length of time will change accordingly. Prince Harry’s deployment have been released. There are many pictures of him, looking happy and having a great time, while the Prince himself has spoken of the pride he felt serving his country and his enthusiasm for serving on the front line. Leroy Weatherfield, Is it Macedonia or not? former Chairman of the Stop-the-War society, spoke of his initial confusion “All this time we’ve been saying that Danai T Balfoussia for its flag. Today, some countries, in- ern FYROM by contrast is inhabited by this way any dependence on Greece as war is fundamentally wrong and un- cluding the US and the UK, have fully Slavs who descended into the region in well as fulfilling the long-established ethical. We thought that life was ter- A few years ago I was reading an article recognized the name Macedonia, while 600AD and the languages spoken are dream of “Great Macedonia” which rible for our soldiers. We couldn’t see in TIME magazine about the Balkans. others, including France, Germany, principally a Slav dialect closely related today encompasses parts of Greece, any good in war, but Prince Harry has They had printed a map of the region Spain and Australia, continue to refer to Bulgarian, as well as Albanian, Rom- Bulgaria, Albania and Serbia. While opened our eyes. War doesn’t damage following the division of Yugoslavia to it as FYROM. With FYROM want- ani, Turkish and Serbian. this scenario may appear far-fetched, the mental health of soldiers. We can and had labelled the country north of ing to join the European Union and the current situation in neighbouring see now that war is not only enjoyable Greece as Macedonia. I was only fif- NATO, the issue of the naming has re- Why not just name the country countries proves the opposite. With but in a time when obesity rates are in- teen years old but old enough to know surfaced officially. Macedonia? the continual re-definition of the Bal- creasing, an invaluable source of out- the difference and why that name was Matthew Nimetz, the UN Special kan countries’ borders and the recent door exercise”. problematic. I wrote to the magazine Representative, is currently overseeing Naming the country Macedonia im- independence of Kosovo, who is to say The whole affair has been a mas- explaining the history of the region negotiations between the two countries plies some sort of tie to Alexander that more changes will not ensue? sive PR coup for the military. Young, and explaining why the printing of this in an effort to reach a mutually accept- the Great and the cultural heritage of I hope this article has been useful fresh-faced boys are signing up for the map was irresponsible. able name. The main difference this the region. The effort on FYROM’s and I look forward to answering any killing fields in droves since news of The letter was never published, time around is that over the past eight behalf to use the sun of Vergina in its questions or addressing any issues in Prince Harry’s deployment broke. “All probably because it was too long (it is years FYROM has led a discreet yet flag further supports the legitimacy of more detail to the best of my knowl- the information about war is usually after all 2500 years worth of history!), relentless campaign, and has gradually this concern. This name is made even edge. I hope people will gradually show negative. I’ve read about the horrors of and instead I received a little postcard introduced the concept of “Macedo- further unacceptable because of the more interest in the issue, read around fighting and the horrible injuries peo- thanking me for my feedback. Eight nia” as an acceptable name. It casually average person’s inability to distin- it and form an opinion. The subject of ple sustain. Prince Harry has shown us years later, the issue is back in the appears in maps, such as in February guish the two. For a person who has Macedonia is not simple or straight- that war is actually great fun and now headlines and for many people I sus- 22nd’s issue of the Felix, in journals little knowledge of the history of the forward and failure to recognise the I really want to go to Afghanistan” said pect the answer is quite straightfor- and even political conversations im- region, an area named Macedonia im- political implications surrounding the a naive young boy in the recruitment ward and simple and they have little plying that there is no issue, that there plies a direct link to the ancient Mac- debate will have serious repercussions lines. Pro-War groups such as War-is- understanding of what the big deal is. I is no debate. The truth, however, still edonians. A final and much more grave on the future of the region. History is Sex and Jingoists-hate-Muslims have understand that writing a whole article remains that the official UN-recog- concern is the well-founded suspicion crucial to a thorough understanding of been rejoicing in their victory against about the history of a region with such nised name of the country is Former that recognition of FYROM as sim- politics. When the international com- ‘delusional’ pacifists. “We’ve been try- a long history is somewhat controver- Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia and ply “Macedonia” will lay the ground- munity intervened in the region and ing to tell them all this time that war is sial so I have decided to simply give that there is an issue, a very important work for a future claim to the Greek carved out the post-Yugoslavia bor- great. We’ve invited them to the range a quick overview of some facts that one which if not managed delicately province of Macedonia. This has the ders, history was one thing that was not to see what its like to shoot an Arab, highlight the most important facets of can lead to the destabilization of the ultimate goal of achieving direct ac- taken into account. The consequences but I guess it would take a Prince to the debate. Balkan region. cess to the Aegean sea eliminating in of this omission are evident today. make them see sense” commented Bil- When Yugoslavia collapsed, it was ly O’Reilly, head of the pro-war Brain- divided into Bosnia and Herzegovina, What is the relationship between dead-Hick organisation. Croatia, Slovenia, Serbia and Mon- Alexander the Great’s Macedonia However, their celebrations may be tenegro and FYROM (Former Yugoslav and the region? a little premature. Only a minority of Republic of Macedonia). The name of anti-war groups have lost their faith. this last was provisionally accepted in Alexander’s Macedonia (4th century Others are angry that Prince Harry the UN with the understanding that it BC) was vast and encompassed both didn’t get himself killed. I spoke to an would form the basis for dialogue and the province in Northern Greece as aged anti-war protestor “He’s acted mutual agreement between FYROM well as less than half of what is today completely irresponsibly. The Prince is and Greece. This at the time led to a FYROM. Its capital, Pella, is within the meant to be a role-model to children. very strong conflict with Greece, which borders of modern Greece as shown By coming home alive and well, he’s has a Northern province known as by archaeological digs. Furthermore, set an extremely bad example. Kids out Macedonia. At the same time Greece Alexander’s Macedonia was a Greek there are going to think you can go to placed an embargo against FYROM, city-state, as were Athens and Sparta. war, it’ll be great fun and you’ll come since it tried to claim the name “Re- Alexander spoke Greek and believed in back a hero. He should have done the public of Macedonia” and to adopt the the twelve Gods of Olympus and also right thing and shot himself. At the sun of Vergina, the symbol of Philip’s participated in the Olympic Games, an very least he could have stood on a (Alexander the Great’s father) dynasty, honour allowed only to Greeks. Mod- Blue: FYROM or Macedonia, Purple: Greek province of Macedonia landmine”. unionpage President’s Update the Congratulations to next year’s Returning Offi cer Sabbatical Offi cers and the elections easter carnival committee who | 20:00 - 03:00 ensured that the y After the most hotly contested set of wednesdayw 19 march 2008 elections ran elections in recent years your Sabbatical without any major Team for 2008/09 will be: Stephen Brown hitches. President LAST DAY OF TERM President [email protected] On a slightly Jennifer Morgan Deputy President (Education and Welfare) more sombre BLOWOUT! Hannah Theodorou note Deputy President (Clubs and Societies) Lily Topham Last week a lot of you who came back Deputy President (Finance and Services) to the Union after the Varsity Rugby ‘s Alexa Chung Christian Carter match were very disappointed that Felix Editor the bar closed slightly earlier than was Jovan Nedic advertised. On behalf of the Union I would like to offer an unreserved Turnout was up considerably on the apology for this error – especially to previous few years with 2314 students the sports clubs some of which went voting in the Presidential election. In to a lot of effort to get their members addition to the full-time posts Kadim involved in Varsity Day. As a gesture of Shubber and Jamie Henry were elected goodwill towards students who were as Student Trustees of Imperial College inconvenienced last Wednesday we Union. are halving the price of entry to our end of term carnival on Wednesday 19th Elections for delegates to NUS Annual March. Tickets will now be on sale for £4 Conference were also held and the 8 instead of £8. Once again I would like to students who will join me at this event in apologise to those of you who had a bad Blackpool over the Easter break are ending to a wonderful day of Sport.

Jennifer Morgan Camilla Royle Kirsty Patterson Jon Matthews More Elections (last mention Ashley Brown Luke Taylor Victoria Gibbs Elizabeth Hyde this term, honest)

Well done to all the winners and Due to technical diffi culties the Union, commiserations to all the unsuccessful RCSU and CGCU elections that were candidates who can take pride in the fact advertised 2 weeks ago are postponed that they contributed so much towards until next term. Look out for details of imperialcollegeunion.org the electoral process. Thanks also to the new elections timetable after the £4 and £4 on the door Daniel McGuinness who fi lled the role of Easter break. Deadline for End of Advance Ticket Prices Looming 21.06.2008

Imperial College London’s Summer Ball Ball 2008 is the not-to-miss event of is the largest student ball in London Imperial’s calendar. Tickets for our formal Entertainments Only and this year’s ball will be our biggest, 600 seated dinner always sell out fast, most lavish and exciting yet! Tickets are so organise you and your friends and get £30 from already on sale for the evening which a table together! £25 March 19th at 14:00 takes place across our South Kensington campus and is attended by over 3000 The Imperial College London Summer revellers. Why not take advantage of our Ball is the perfect way for you and your Dinner & Entertainments special advance ticket prices which are friends to celebrate. Be it the end of from being held until 14:00 March 19th 2008? your exams, year at Imperial or entire £55 March 19th at 14:00 time at Imperial. We also welcome your £50 With great acts and DJs, formal dinner, guests, so get your invites out now fi reworks, funfair, casino, marquees, and show off to your friends the largest imperial union summerball light shows and more; the Summer student ball in London! info and tickets at college .org/

Imperial College Union, Beit Quadrangle, Prince Consort imperial union Road, London SW7 2BB college .org Tel: 020 7594 8060 at the union mar 7 - 19

WEDNESDAY 12 FRIDAY 14 BAR FTSE + ^ % 1.67 $ The best value £ 2.02 Wednesday night in town! Drinks prices change depending on what you buy, watch out for the market Surf Simulator crashes!rash School Disco Drinks Offers! SD £1.30 a pint! only From 20:00

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Imperial College Union, Beit Quadrangle, Prince Consort Road, London SW7 2BB The Union encourages responsible drinking. R.O.A.R. Student I.D. Required. 18 felix Friday 7 March 2008

Business Business Editor – Afonso Campos [email protected] A global economy of terrorism Terrorism has forever changed the face of the world economy and created long-lasting wounds everywhere

Afonso Campos The consequences of these heinous acts of terrorism, and on the other acts are not limited to the massive side, it is even more important to pre- After the events of 9/11, the world losses occurred at the moment of the vent future incidents from happen- is now seen through wildly different attack. These acts absolutely condi- ing. This brings forth the question of eyes. This date marked a true turning tion the behaviour of future events, terrorism financing. Large influxes of point in which the world’s, and espe- including the behaviour of people as capital are needed to make possible a cially North America’s, population be- well as the pace of the economy. The large-scale terrorist operation. It is in gan seeing the reality that Man has few, tourism sector is often utilised as a this sense that more regulation may if any, limits when it comes to cruelty target for attacks, given the enormous be necessary in the domain of offshore and destruction of the species. The do- mediatic projection and audience. banking utilized by terrorist groups mains affected by terrorism are mani- Countries that are heavily dependant to finance their activity. For this to fold; everything from daily family life on this sector and suffer an unfortu- happen, it is paramount to have total dynamics to social interactions have nate terrorist incident will very often global co-operation, which is not an suffered severe change. The economy suffer a substantial downturn in rev- overly utopian idea, given that this is is no exception to this. Even in the long enue that translates into a decay in the a worldwide problem, never restricted term, terrorist acts leave deep scars. In country’s performance. On the other to a small region. There are, however, order to minimize the impact on the hand, movements of capital between inherent and influential interests in economy (and not only) it is necessary countries will be strongly influenced. the keeping of these offshores. These to identify the roots of this problem. Even though the risk of terrorism con- range from perfectly harmless private Terrorism is a resorting to violence; stitutes only a small percentage of the equity firms and investment funds to be this physical or psychological. It is overall global economic risk, multi- the tax-haven’s own interests in keep- usually orchestrated by a group or an national companies are typically and ing money flowing into what is other- individual in an attempt to reach a cer- understandably more inclined to make wise a relatively poor economy. tain political or social goal – usually a investments in countries where ter- The long-term impact of terrorism synergy of the two. A terrorist is, by rorism is less likely to happen. Direct is already visible and so are some of logic and definition, one who practices foreign investment will therefore suffer the reasons why it is difficult to put an terrorism. In our times, however, ter- a reduction that will not be seen exclu- end to it. The most evident lies in the rorism has reached monumental pro- sively in short-term time frames. For non-regulation of some offshore ac- portions, with a complex network be- developing countries, this fact will halt counts also used by terrorist groups. hind each attack. The individual that the diffusion of technical and econom- If this is a global concern, it requires we usually consider to be responsible, ical know-how that is frequently essen- global efforts. Economies that are the bomb carrier, is more often than tial to the country’s future growth. This smoke will forever plague the world and the global economy unwilling to receive international co- not a low ranking member of a hier- Not least important are the costs operation must by all means be con- archical pyramid. It is often difficult that some economists call the “terror- sidered accomplices to terrorist at- to understand the justification behind ism tax”. This refers mainly to the costs ties that are far more productive to an Grave consequences definitely con- tacks to come. One must remember this person’s desire to end his or her life incurred by the increased government economy and the well-being of a coun- dition the future of not only the pace that there is a monumental difference in the process. It is part of a so-called spending to ensure and preserve a cli- try. Even though these measures may of the economy, but of society in the between a fiscal paradise and a finan- process of brainwashing. These indi- mate of safety, or at least the percep- force a downturn in productivity, espe- broader sense of the word. It is there- cial paradise; the former has clear tax viduals are not the root of the problem, tion of existence of this state. These cially in the long-term, they are neces- fore necessary to act on two axes; on and fiscal advantages, while the latter but are merely its operational and lo- are measures that reroute and channel sary to make the occurrence of terror- one side, actions must be taken to has motivations that are anything but gistical parts. time and resources from other activi- ist attacks less frequent. minimise the negative effects of past transparent. Get on, get focused and get ahead!

Imperial College Careers issues and an understanding of global You can network with recent gradu- Advisory Service and national factors and how these im- ates from multi-national companies pact on the industry where you want and also further develop a range of key Mists and mellow fruitfulness to work. An appreciation of the com- skills through working alongside fel- mercial context in which your chosen low students and managers from major Autumn may be a time of ‘mists and industry operates is also important. employers such as BP, Rolls Royce and mellow fruitfulness’ according to the If you have read the above list with CRA International on business case British Romantic poet Keats, as well gathering gloom then don’t worry, as studies. Find out more about Focus on as the start of the English Premiership there are lots of things which you can Management at www.imperial.ac.uk/ season, but in the world of careers, it’s do to try and improve your knowledge. careers. Places are limited and booking also the key period for graduate re- Your past experience of work through closes on 14th March. cruitment. The College term officially part-time or vacation employment will starts on 4th October. Closing dates hopefully have given you some insight Visit the Fair for graduate jobs and internships are into how a business or organisation op- getting earliaer and earlier, particularly erates. Think about the management The Banking and Finance Fair on in sectors such as investment banking of the company; how was it organised Wednesday 21 May 2008 is another where a mid-October deadline is not and how did it deliver the service or major opportunity to help you gain the unusual. If you were planning to post- product? Make sure that you keep up competitive edge over other applicants. pone your career planning until you to date with key issues by reading the Representatives from many of the ma- return to College next academic year business pages of a quality newspaper. jor firms in the industry will be avail- then you may need to think again! Get Specialist industry magazines can also able from 11.00 to 15.00 in Mechanical ahead of the competition and start to give you an excellent insight into the Engineering Foyer & Tanaka Foyer to plan and prepare now. latest news for particular industries. talk to students about their work, va- Drafting and refining your CV, re- Team working in action cancies and how and when to apply. searching career ideas and industries Focus on Management and finding out who is recruiting and A valuable vacation when, should all be done well ahead of Find out more at www.imperial.ac.uk/ Using any contacts which you have can any actual deadlines. The Careers Ad- careers or visit us at level 5 Sherfield Meeting deadlines is all very well but also help develop commercial aware- The summer vacation provides an visory Service can help you with every Building. You can talk to one of our have you got what employers want? ness. Meeting and talking to employ- ideal opportunity to do some in-depth aspect of your job search from where Careers Advisers about your career One of the most valued attributes ers at careers fairs and other events research about your future career. The to find vacancies through to how to plans and get help and advice on your sought by many recruiters is commer- can give you good insight into both the Careers Service is open all through deal with tough application form ques- draft CV or application form. We also cial awareness; however, this is often industry and individual companies. the summer and also 24/7 on-line at tions and much more! We have an ex- run seminars on interviews and appli- lacking in otherwise high-calibre ap- The Careers Service’s annual Focus on www.imperial.ac.uk/careers. Thinking cellent range of on-line and other re- cations with hints and tips on how to plicants. There are many definitions of Management course, which takes place ahead can result in a better application sources to enable you to discover more succeed. the term but, as a summary, commer- on April 22nd and 23rd, is an excellent and also much reduced stress levels in about different careers, make effective cial or business awareness involves a springboard from which to start your the autumn term! We look forward to applications and succeed in interviews. Have you got what it takes? basic knowledge of common business search for a graduate job or internship. helping you reach your career goals. Friday 7 March 2008 felix 19

Culture & Arts Editors – Rosie Grayburn, Caz Knight, David Paw and Emily Wilson Budding culture vulture? Write for us. The Arts [email protected] Poetry in the Periodic Table? Charm in chemistry?

Caz Knight Science and Art. Either, or... Iain Watts discovers the late Primo Levi and his ability to Arts Editor smash this concept and intertwine the two disciplines with beautiful results elcome art aficio- nados! For that nfortunately, the old idea industry, before eventually retiring the elements, Levi boldly proclaims, and awakening after his return to Italy is what you all of a divide between the in 1975 to concentrate full-time on is poetry, ‘the bridge, the missing link, at the end of the War. are by now, after arts and the sciences is writing. He published memoirs, short between the world of words and the Levi speaks of chemistry in an unu- W weeks and weeks one which steadfastly stories, novels, essays, and poetry, all world of things’. It is simultaneously sual and wonderful way, as a kind of and maybe even years of ensconcing U refuses to die. For all his available in good English translations. the framework which brings order and mystical union and struggle between yourselves in these enlightening pages! medical training, John Keats was still The central experience of Levi’s life, harmony to matter and the device by the mind of Primo Levi the Chemist Unfortunately, this is the penultimate deeply troubled by Science’s tendency which informed nearly everything he which Levi ties together the stories and the base elements with which he issue of the Lenten (or “spring”) term to “conquer all mysteries by rule and was to write afterwards, was the year that make up the book. In some chap- works, in spirit perhaps not very far and soon, for one month, you must line”, reducing Nature’s beauty to, as he spent as a prisoner in Auschwitz ters the chemistry itself plays a central from the transmutations of the alche- resort to the art sections of other me- he saw it “the dull catalogue of com- between 1944 and 1945. His deeply role, while in others the reference is mists. His terms of reference are very dia. I recommend the arts section of mon things.” The American poet Syl- moving and very personal account of more oblique: ‘Iron’, for example, really wide, encompassing languages, philos- The Independent, especially what they via Plath was harsher: “The day I went his time there, If This Is a Man, estab- concerns Sandro, the fellow chemistry ophy, and literature, and with barely a have to say on Saturdays. However, into Physics class”, she writes in her lished his reputation as student, resistance hint of pretentiousness he slips in ref- with the threat of lectures, labs and autobiographical novel The Bell Jar, “it a writer and eventu- fighter, and man-of- erences to everything from Aristote- other laborious chores out the way was death”. ally became accepted iron who introduces lian philosophy to Flaubert’s Madame you will be able to stop reading Felix On the other side of the fence, the as one of the master- Levi to the joys of Bovary to Ibsen’s Peer Gynt. Clearly Arts and start experiencing some art; Nobel Prize-winning physicist Richard pieces of 20th cen- rock-climbing in the he is very well-read, but then I think a hopefully the holidays will leave you Feynman used to make his immunity tury autobiography. foothills of the Alps. fairly surprising number of scientists will some time for respite. Without re- to what he scornfully termed ‘culture’ Though The Periodic Levi has a rare gift are, though they may suffer, perhaps, laxation and leisure our brains cannot something of a badge of pride, claim- Table draws on this for finding beauty, from a tendency to keep it quiet. function properly and efficiently and ing that the best thing he derived from harrowing experience even mysticism, Ultimately, despite the chemical ti- so I urge you to indulge! reading the ancient Greek playwright in several chapters, it woven through the tles, and the many technical details of I came across one of the most ran- Aristophanes was learning how to mostly concentrates everyday and the applied chemistry scattered through dom and brilliant concepts in art over make a good frog noise. The mud- on the rest of his life, mundane. Under his the text, the focus of each story is al- the last couple of weeks. Situated in slinging, from both sides, is endless. as a chemist in his na- hands the asbestos ways centred, quite firmly, on human the Blyth Centre (Level 5 of Sherfield, But, instead of becoming entangled tive Italy. mine where he works as beings. The elements serve as a bril- I’ve told you enough times), was a in the interminable debate on the Arts- It is a book which steadfastly resists an analyst is a benign incarnation of liant extended metaphor for tying to- lovely photographic exhibition exam- Sciences divide, the Two Cultures, and categorisation. Perhaps I can best de- the tiered Inferno of Dante’s Divine gether Levi’s scattered examinations ining expression. Down one section all the rest of it, I simply want to tell scribe it simply as a book of stories, Comedy, and the University labora- of such broad topics as work, love, and of the gallery was littered haphazardly you about a little book by a writer who each one linked in some way to a tory where he learns his trade becomes happiness. This makes the book a rare a whole pack of playing cards. Such a I think bridges the gulf so effortlessly chemical element, or to ideas associat- almost a religious temple, a ‘House of thing: it is both science writing, and – simple idea yet I was bizarrely cheered that, for him, the two worlds merge ed with an element. Many of the twen- the Lord’, where the lone chemist is yes – Literature. by it, for its uniqueness, every time I seamlessly into one. The writer is ty-one chapters are autobiographical, locked in a primal struggle with Mat- Please, fellow students, read this walked by it. It reminded me of an epi- Primo Levi and the book is called The often episodes taken from Levi’s life ter, who stands ready to trip him up at book. Even if you are the hard-headed sode of Sex and the City where Carrie Periodic Table. as a chemistry student and later pro- every turn, ‘as solemn and subtle as the sworn and bitter enemy of anything (SJP) goes on a date with a guy who Primo Levi was born into a Jewish fessional chemist; two chapters, ‘Lead’ sphinx’. One of my personal favourite branded ‘Literary’ or ‘highbrow’, make collects lone playing cards he finds in family in Turin, northern Italy, in 1919. and ‘Mercury’, are completely fictional, chapters, ‘Chromium’, is actually about an exception just for this. Because Pri- the street. Ever since watching this, I He took a degree in Chemistry at the and the final chapter takes the form of – of all things – a chemical mystery mo Levi deserves to be read. By eve- have been struck by how many single University of Turin, and followed a a kind of prose-poem, on the story of concerning bad batches of an anti-rust ryone, but especially by scientists, by playing cards one encounters on the career as a professional chemist, pre- an individual atom of carbon. paint, beautifully interwoven with the you. So, beg, borrow, or dare I say it streets! I have to suppress an urge to dominantly in the paint and varnish The ever-familiar periodic table of story of Levi’s slow spiritual recovery buy a copy, and begin. start my own collection every time I see one. Fans of film Empire Records may remember AJ gluing coins to the floor of the music stores office. Random art, the best kind. Although “random art” Sneaky Kissing in Carnaby Street is possibly the most vague notion one can come up with! A piece I recently fell in love with Caz Knight institution, particularly trendy in the hangs in the Alexia Goethe gallery Sixties. It remains an absolute delight on Dover street, a few doors down A Carnaby Kiss. Gentle alliteration with its quaint cobbles and boutique from Mahiki for those who read heat combined with onomatopoeia; just the selection of stores. When (not if) I am or frequent the club. Measuring 1m name of this exhibition sounds like the slightly richer, I will spend my money by 2m (at least) it is a piece of paper caress of your loved one’s lips brush- here instead of at the often character- onto which a huge polar bear has been ing your lips (or otherwise). Now I less designers of Bond Street. Enough sketched: in neon pink roller ball. Not have been sufficiently cheesy I can get of this and back to the photographs. only is the colour utterly spectacular, on with telling you that ‘Carnaby Kiss’ Gregg Stone is the photographer who contrasting to the stark white paper, is anything but, and the last thing it has worked with many fashion brands but think of how long it would have evokes is the sickeningly kitsch effect for magazines, on campaigns for West taken to sketch; the callous sustained that St Valentine’s day has on every End shows (such as the Pet Shop Boys Robert Doisneau’s Kiss alongside a modern interpretation to the artist from holding a pen for so other high street in the land. St. V and musical) and, more interestingly, has long and the sheer amount of roller capitalism have a lot to answer for. worked on an evening of Burlesque for balls he would have gone through! Although that “holiday” has passed Stephen Fry at couture house Hardy people looking as if they have just met. Life, Gothic Kiss. With only 32 photos Another gem tucked away amid the us by, what this collection of photo- Amies. His inspiration was the Robert What is interesting is the sheer range of to look round, I strongly urge everyone winding streets of Soho is Carnaby graphs gives us is a celebration of love, Doisineau’s iconic “Kiss”, and so he set subjects, backdrops, fashion, emotion to go and have a look before the exhi- Kiss, reviewed by moi in this issue. friendship, youth, fashion, sexuality, about capturing kisses in the Carnaby and finishing effects. The kisses range bition closes. With so many exquisite We have more reviews from Arts freedom, expression, freedom of ex- area and compiling them all in time for from happy, passionate, silly, romantic, shops to peruse afterwards, the visit Editors in the form of Emily Wilson’s pression and freedom of fashion and Valentine’s day. epic Hollywood and, even, indifferent! is well worth it. The “gallery” is also review of Duchamp et al. and David feeling. And we don’t need any excuse Despite the slightly shabby, bland Colour is a key feature in all of them: running a competition where one can Paw’s Vanity Fair portraits review. The to celebrate all those wondrous things and unprofessional appearance of the vivid and mirroring the vibe of Carna- win a romantic weekend for two in exhibition is sponsored by Burberry, in an age which is becoming ever more Carnaby, its redeeming qualities are by Street perfectly. Some of the photos Carnaby including a stay in a five star although quite sensibly one never sees “1984” (God help us). And what better the art on show and the massive red lips are left untouched, where as some have hotel and dinner at a Michelin Guide an inch of their pattern, synonymous place to hold such a collection than in couch featured in many of the works. been enhanced to resemble something Thai restaurant. The Carnaby is open with chavdom, in any of their shop Carnaby Street, W1. Nestled away from Here one sees men and men, women more surreal and psychedelic. The 11am-6pm and is located right oppo- windows anymore let alone in the the hoards swarming over Oxford and and women, men and women, woman names themselves are enticing: Lips in site Soccer Scene (Beak Street end of NPG: quite sensibly. Regent Streets, Carnaby is an age-old and mannequin, friends and some Motion, Fur Coat Kiss, Kiss Me, Love Carnaby Street). Until 16 March. 20 felix Friday 7 March 2008

Arts [email protected] My Vain Fair Ladies at Vanity Fair A celebration of celebrities, but do we really need to fuel “heat” magazine culture asks David Paw

ful engine of change and progressive outlook, recalibrated the thinking and actions of a myriad of disciplines from commerce to philosophy. Vanity Fair back then was a reflection of the best of this, as it is now. The communication networks were relatively infantile and the mass media didn’t exist, and no one would have even considered globalisa- tion a foreseeable reality. The notion of “celebrity” was a comparative scarcity and reserved only for those who war- ranted the limited run of space in the media at the time. The sheer amount of exchange and communication between today’s media and the public has made the modern notion of celebrity a commodity for commercial consumption. And as the publication in the early half of the cen- tury helped convey the massive chang- es in ideology and thought at the time, so too does its modern equivalent for the current state of affairs. These are vacuous times and where better than Vanity Fair to reflect on the notion of celebrity and its trappings? After all – if the eighties were defined by greed, the nineties by communication and the noughties by celebrity, it’s hardly going to translate into something deeply meaningful in an era-defining magazine, is it? Granted, many of the pouts and arrogant, narcissistic group portraits (described as “[supernovas] of celebrity”) are hardly modest an- nouncements. For those in the public eye, to garner an Annie Liebovitz por- trait in Vanity Fair is to signal that you One of the more deserving celebrities: Dame Helen Mirren by Lord Snowdon, 1995 have arrived, and increasingly, success is a benchmark that few are inclined to play down. But it isn’t meant to be once took a copy of Vanity Fair Parker. Even today, it is known for its glorification of celebrity culture? Most achievers. Of course, no one would say timid or soft-spoken. Nothing now is on the train while visiting some sensitive and revealing journalism – reviewers have already lambasted it for that of the truly great talents included, about being either, and the magazine’s family in the north. Twenty min- the identity of “Deep Throat”, a source the latter, pointing out that the Brazil- but between these, who has heard of portraiture does a terrifyingly accurate utes into the journey, the woman in the Watergate scandal, was revealed ian supermodel Gisele Bundchen stark the remaining assortment of society job of depicting this. I next to me asked me what I was in a 2005 issue, while the actress Teri naked astride a pale grey steed is nei- types and artists? There seems to be a There is a “portrait” of Faye Duna- reading. I showed her the cover. “Van- Hatcher used it to admit being subject- ther a) art nor b) intellectually justifi- heady divide between the magazine’s way constructed and shot by David ity Fair,” she said, “isn’t that a woman’s ed to abuse as a child. able by sane parameters. first run, and its eighties revival. And LaChappelle, modern photography’s magazine?” I replied no, and so she A victim of the Depression, it folded After all, it’s the obvious thing to do while few would dispute the impor- greatest advocate of maximalism. Seen asked “so what actually is it then?” in 1936 before its relaunch in 1983. As isn’t it? Despite the industry accolades, tance of the figures included in the from above, she is draped euphorically Go to any good newsstand and more photography took the reins of portrai- the prestige of working for the title and former, almost without exception the across a yellow New York taxi as a bay- than anything, you will be overwhelmed ture from paintings in the 20th century, its legitimate content, it’s still pap non- majority disparage the modern images, ing technicolour mob of fans, press and by decisions. I didn’t know that enough this is reflected in the magazine, and in sense, isn’t it? glossy and buffed to digital perfection. paparazzi savage her and feast upon people in the world existed to warrant the walls of a single large space in the Well, yes and no. On the one hand, The period surrounding the 1920s her public image, a golden Academy several titles on truck racing, and the National Portrait Gallery studded with we have the best of the last hundred- and 1930s were an exciting time of Award statuette drifting haphazardly Borders on Oxford Street is a veritable the great and the good. The first rows odd years – the political heavyweights, change. Bebop and the blues were in the crowd like a child lost in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not! of discovery. of photographs to your immediate left the artists and tastemakers, writers and gaining footholds in the clubs and ir- front rows of a Black Sabbath concert. Sandwiched somewhere between GQ as you enter chronicle the magazine’s critics who have all helped to shape the reversibly reshaping the musical ver- The scene is arresting, unashamedly and Vogue lies Vanity Fair, though in first incarnation, while the remainder way we think and see the world. On the nacular, the United States introduced a attention grabbing and uncaringly self- reality its real home would be sat be- chart the modern equivalent. other, we have a hackneyed and super- little thing called consumerism and not serving. And if that isn’t a reflection of tween the titles of The New Yorker and The black and whites in the first ficial collection of glorified would-be least of all modernism, with its power- our time, then what is? Hello! section are an inspiring collection. Vanity Fair is a complex beast. Part Legitimately great, they are littered serious journalistic enterprise, part with such names as Monet, Einstein, style bible and part altar of celebrity Picasso, Joyce and Stravinsky. This worship, its niche is difficult to pin barely gets beyond the surface. Also down. In a word, it is unique. Unique recognised are athletes – Jesse Owens not only for its innovative and reveal- strikes a pose while Babe Ruth cradles ing journalism, its rich heritage of lit- his slugger like a newborn. Louis Arm- erary excellence in showcasing works strong wipes the sweat from his cheek from new writers and its acerbic, in- while Virginia Woolf lazily glances into telligent style, but also for its persona- Maurice Beck and Helen MacGregor’s defining photography and wonderland lens. Many of the early photographers of imagery. were also recognised in their own right The title was launched by Condé – Edward Steichen’s portrait of Anna Nast in 1913, coinciding with the jug- May Wong, the first Chinese actress gernaut of modernism, the dawning of to feature in a Hollywood film, is up in the jazz age and the public’s first taste all its husky, repressed glory while the of the avant-garde. The magazine was number of pictures by renowned por- soon competing with The New Yorker trait photographer Baron de Meyer are for the title of the city’s greatest cul- innumerable. ture journal. Towards the latter end When we segue into the modern of the decade, the magazine achieved era, it becomes all too familiar. The re- great popularity and attracted the alisation is instantaneous. It is obvious great and the good, featuring writ- enough when you are there, and anyone ers as diverse as T.S.Eliot, Gertrude familiar with the magazines’ famous Stein, Aldous Huxley, Thomas Wolfe covers will commiserate. Is this exhibi- and P.G.Wodehouse, and included tion one with something important to amongst its regular staff one Dorothy recognise, or is it little more than the Hilary Swank by Norman Jean Roy, 1995. A physique even Wonder Woman would be jealous of Friday 7 March 2008 felix 21 [email protected] Arts Confessions of a student director Tom Chandler tells us about his... interesting... experiences in Dramsoc, directing Les Liaisons Dangereuses

ou see, I don’t really know should be something I enjoy. So, for- few minutes of chit-chat tells me she’s how I got to the position getting that I already had two years of stage managing the Fresher’s play and I’m in now. At some point the Imperial grind under my belt, and would I like to assist her? ‘Great!’, I I must have mentioned making a mental note to stock up on thought – I’m in there already, and it’s Y that I’d be interested in di- biros for the term while I was about it, I my first day! Fatally, I would later let recting a play, because the next thing rocked up to Fresher’s fair and headed slip to this same friend that I might be I knew I was being offered one. From to the DramSoc stall. I had been to a interested in directing. A few whispers that, somehow, I got here: sitting next few DramSoc performances, and as on the grapevine later and I find my- door to a room full of actors undress- well as thoroughly enjoying myself, self before a committee of few familiar ing for a Felix centrefold. the level of talent and technical qual- faces, proposing a play called ‘Les Li- Perhaps I should explain. From the ity of peformances had impressed aisons Dangereuses’. You can see how beginning. I had begun my final year me. Their flyer mentioned something everything has kind of snowballed. at Imperial, and whilst I had greatly about DramSoc Fresher’s workshops A couple of nail-biting weeks, involv- enjoyed myself until then, I had never – to get newcomers involved, show ing some major prostitution of myself taken advantage of the huge variety of them around and see what the society in order to put together a production clubs and societies the Union has to is about – so the next weekend I found team, I find myself back outside the offer. I like going to the theatre (who myself there. And that’s where it all be- DramSoc ‘store room’, awaiting the doesn’t, right?) so I thought to myself, gins to take off. now sightly more familiar committee’s if I were to get involved in a society, it I bumped into a friend, who after a decision. Who knows what happened on the other side of that door, or which gods smiled down on me, for after be- ing summoned back in, I heard the great news: ‘Les Liaisons Dangereuses’ was to be the next DramSoc play. Less than two weeks, 27 auditions and many tough decisions later, the play had a cast. Now what on earth was I going to do with them? I had a vague idea what would be re- quired of me – now I just had to con- ceal quite how vague an idea that was from the actors. Directing tip number one: the most important part of gain- ing respect and maintaining discipline among actors – who, incidentally, are an unruly lot – is to pretend you know what’s going on. In a sense it’s much like acting, but in real life. Sounding confident and making it look like you’re writing purposeful notes in the margin of your script is particularly advanta- geous to this end. But somehow, while I was pretending to know how they should be acting, things started com- ing together in a way I hadn’t expected. I was getting a feel for this. In the rollercoaster ride that is di- Stage combat is like real combat, but with less posing and flouncing recting, this was the calm point on the long ascent when you start trusting that your seat belt will hold and sneak- to the rest of life: it’s always the things this stage. There have been times (like a-peak at the view. Spoke too soon, you least expect. yesterday, today, and tomorrow I ex- way too soon. Les Liaisons Dangereuses is a pas- pect) when coursework has piled up to The stomach-twisting plummet back sionate piece of work, and as with such an extent that I doubt an ending To direct properly one must practice ‘the disapproving eyebrow’ down. Directing unfortunately adheres every good play of this type, there is no still exists. But I’ve never been alone. shortage of time spent in the bedroom I have received lots of suport from the (not to mention the chaise-longue, or, DramSoc committee; ranging from tips given half the chance, the floor)! It’s all on how to keep my troublesome wards very well dealing with passion (some- in line, to the organisation of the most thing one might have experienced), and comprehensive and, frankly, beauti- trying to make the amore between two ful publicity campaign the society has characters look realistic; even direct- seen. (Have to keep them sweet, you ing prostitute encounters is okay, but a see, otherwise they’ll make me write rape scene? How do you ask someone another article!). Look out for post- to pretend they’re being violated? How ers, flyers on the walkway, a projection do you get it to look realistic without on the union building, a stunt or two making the actors feel uncomfortable? around campus, and the outcome of Directing tip number two: I recom- all the white face paint, hairspray and mend having the lower inside leg as clutched material that I’ve seen walk- Position A, upper thigh as Position B. ing in next door. (Flick to the centre of “Now page 48. Valmont: when you say this publication for the last one.) ‘Lets just get ourselves more comforta- Sure, there have been times when I ble, shall we?’ can you move your hand didn’t think we would ever get to where between Positions A and B...” we are now. Times I thought half the Second mildly unanticipated struggle play would need prompting; times I has been getting Sami (the aforemen- thought the duel would consist of pick- tioned Valmont) to keep his clothes on ing up the swords and someone losing in some of the scenes. There may be a an eye. Multiple times when I was con- silver lining to this problem, though, vinced that we’d never get through the condidering what they are up to next whole play without someone cracking door [see this week’s centrefold for the up. But it’s pulled together so much in results]. He must be in his element in the last few weeks, I can honestly say I there. Moments before going in he am proud to put my name to it. was performing the male equivalent of My only regret, in my final year, is make-up: his exercise regime. Appar- that I didn’t sadlle-up into this direct- ently he’s been at it for 8 weeks. Press- ing fayre ride sooner. ups, sit-ups, skips; hundreds of them – every day! Les Liaisons Dangereuses is showing I fear that I might be giving the wrong at the Union Concert Hall this week, impression. I’m loving this – directing from Wednesday 12th to Saturday The essential eye-extraction phase of the rehearsal period. They are replaced with photosensitive eggs I mean. It hasn’t been easy getting to 15th March. 22 felix Friday 7 March 2008

Arts [email protected] The moment Art changed forever... Despite a lack of seating and insufficient complementary coffee and biccies, Emily Wilson is left impressed

uchamp, Man Ray and Picabia is a major new exhibition at Tate Mod- ern, and one that I was D particularly excited about seeing. I was already a fan of this period of art, and was semi-familiar with Duchamp and Man Ray, though I’d never heard of Picabia. This is the kind of exhibition I go to see even if I’m not writing about it. Not only that, this was my first ever press viewing. I got to see the exhibition before it was open to the public, when it was open only to journalists there to review it. Going to a press viewing was cer- tainly good fun, and a chance I’d jump at in the future. Not all the labels had been transferred to the walls, and there was still the odd workman wandering around. It’s quite fun to see the exhibi- tion as a work in progress. Also at press viewings, the staff are particularly nice to you, because they know you’re there to judge them, though I was extreme- ly disappointed by a total lack of free coffee/danish/biscuits/goodie bags. I think being a member of the press should entitle me to delicious freeness – you’d think they’d make more of an effort to bribe me, really. Not that they needed to bribe me, because this exhibition was very good indeed. Something that particularly impressed me about this exhibition is how it displays beautifully the develop- ment of art during the period. You get to experience and understand the tran- sitions from Impression to Fauvism and then on to Dadaism and Surreal- ism and Modernism… few exhibitions of this type could manage this. It’s an excellent lesson on how artists influ- ence each other and how movements come about. Despite this being a great success of the exhibition, it wasn’t made its obvious aim and wasn’t dis- cussed directly. I think they’re missing out on an opportunity here. The Tate Fountain by Marcel Duchamp 1917. Another example of the artist’s radically varying pieces hype suggests what they’re going for here is showing the relationships be- tween the lives and works of the three, one that consistently appeals to me the preciate they were a chummy bunch. says “they shared a love of fast cars and exhibition frequently amuse me, de- and how they influenced eachother. I most – his character is more mysteri- For a start, they liked taking photo- the good life, and often went to the scribing the antics the three got up to. I don’t come away feeling this has been ous, but I generally prefer his art to the graphs of eachother. “Francis Picabia south of France together”, which is a enjoy how their little anecdotal stories achieved, compared with the Matisse/ other two. Behind the Wheel of His Car” by Man fair first impression to have of them. In are worked in, though I’m not sure this Picasso exhibition of a few years ago, From the first room, you come to ap- Ray is a case in point. The description fact, the labels and descriptions in the was a deliberate aim of the narrative. which worked along the same lines “Adam and Eve” by Picabia in the sec- (this remains in my mind as the best ond room suggests this is going to turn exhibition I have ever experienced, and into another sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll will be a tough one to beat). article. It doesn’t dominate (which is a So, the exhibition centres on three relief – I’m bored of writing about it), artists: Marcel Duchamp (1887-1968), but sex and nudity come up again and Man Ray (1890-1976) and Francis Pica- again in this exhibition. I will say this bia (1879-1953). These three friends about Picabia: the dude knew how to had significant influence on the pro- draw a good scrotum. gression of modern art, including the Not all of the art I like. Room three creation of the Dada movement. Walk- has some beastly stuff in it. “Nude ing round the exhibition you can easily Descending a Staircase” by Duchamp find the parallels between their work, is supposed to have caused scandal but there are also obvious differences. amongst the art-appreciating public of Duchamp started out as a painter but the time, being revolutionary and in- later moved into more unusual me- fluential. I think it’s fairly awful myself dia (like urinals), though for many - a flurry of sketchy lines and brown. years he was thought to have given “Bride” by Duchamp, next to it, is even up art to play competitive chess (who worse, with more brown mixed with wouldn’t?). Picabia was a painter all his unsettling fleshy tones. On the op- life, while Man Ray dabbled in differ- posite wall, “Cut-Out” by Man Ray is ent media including photography. In somewhat better. I’m a big fan of crisp case you wondered, which I did, Man lines and simple shapes. Man Ray is Ray’s real name was Emmanuel Rad- winning me over already. nitzky. He was doing me a favour there I quite like how all three have a ten- – I don’t think I want to spend the rest dency to write the titles of the paint- of this article having to type that out ings on the paintings, as in “The Rope over and over again. Sometimes it’s dif- Dancer Accompanies Herself With ficult to keep track of which is which, Her Shadows” by Man Ray. He has ex- but Picabia strikes me as being sinis- cellent handwriting, all swirly and ar- ter and somewhat of a smug, dirty old tistic. Picabia’s handwriting (see “I See man. Duchamp is possibly the most Again in Memory My Dear Udnie”) is well-known, and comes off as the ring- much less nice: the block capitals of an leader of the “group”. Man Ray is the Chocolate Grinder by Marcel Duchamp over-determined eight year old. Photograph by Sally Longstaff

ICSM MusicSoc blow, bang, fiddle and strum

See them in their full glory on 8th March at St Johns Church, Paddington and on 16th March at St Stephens Church, Gloucester Road, both at 7:30pm. [email protected] Dramsoc shows us a Dangerous Liaison

See the players in Dramsoc’s Les Liaisons Dangereuses in the UCH from 12th to 15th March [email protected] Friday 7 March 2008 felix 27 [email protected] Arts

Man Ray’s “Untitled (Aerograph)” is rather nice. He uses an airbrush to create a fine haze blurring into itself to produce shape and depth. He describes the technique as “a purely cerebral ac- tivity” because it allows the artist to paint without ever touching the can- vas. Another point to Man Ray! Picabia’s definitely the most sexual of the three. “Ad libitum; Your Choice; At Will” is clearly sexual in some way, with its bulbous pink shapes, but I’m not sure what exactly it’s supposed to represent. It’s like he knows what we’re thinking and he’s playing with our dirty little minds. Room four I like very much. Picabia wins me back with his “Mechanomor- phic Drawings” which are just the sort of thing I adore at these exhibitions. Black inked line and shapes with let- ters and words twisting around them. They’re glorified doodles of the kind I spend my younger teenage years producing. Picabia’s “Daughter Born Without Mother”, a crisp and techni- cal painting of a machine, is pleasing. I can’t really say why. Perhaps the green colour on the dull, muddy brown back- ground, or the use of paint to create shadow, or just the technical precision of the line. I’m put off Man Ray when I discover his fondness for cross-dressing. He created the female alter ego Rose Se- lavy, who carried on working when he got pissed off with the art community and went a bit underground. The pho- tographs of him/her are amusing. He makes an oddly good lady. In the same room (five) there is a photo of Duch- amp with a star shaved into his head. The caption thingy says “no-one knows exactly why Duchamp shaved his hair in this way”. Apparently Picabia said: “He had had a special cut and had had done it totally for himself – and a little for me too. It amused us both”. Right, well, that explains it. Another example of the quirky fun these three artists had together. In room six one of my exhibition highlights is “La Voliere” by Man Ray. He’s using the airbrush again and he does it beautifully, contrasting the soft, fading colours with the sharp black lines of the frame of a mannequin. This definitely wins the award for ‘Piece In The Exhibition That Emily Would Sneak Into Her Handbag If She Thought She Could Get Away With It’. My birthday’s coming up, so perhaps some of you could chip in? Room seven is Tate’s favourite. They’ve been all arty and clever hang- ing sculpture from the ceiling to create shadows on the wall. They do looked damned good. Shadows are not some- thing you usually notice in exhibitions, and they can almost be better than the art casting them. Duchamp’s famous urinal is in this room. In the context of the exhibition, you wonder why it’s so iconic. Most of Duchamp’s work is very different, and arguably much better. Tate fuels this misconception by using it to advertise the exhibition, which is a shame. Of course, this is only a replica, and there are others like it elsewhere. I think it’s important not to forget that. Duchamp’s spinning discs (“Rotor- liefs”) in room eight are wonderful. Cinq Femmes 1941-43, Francois Picabia. Dirty bugger. Oil on canvas by the way Colourful and hypnotic, producing swirling patterns. One features a gold- fish. They seem out of place, like Tate juxtaposition of naked forms, wildlife there, Duchamp. On the bright side, The content, layout and information of subject matter and media to play bought them from Habitat and are now and faces, in a lot of brown, is a good the wooden chess sets made by Duch- are all of the high standard we expect with, so it’s exciting and varied, hold- trying to trick us into believing they’re representation of the kind of art I de- amps and Man Ray are lovely. I’d like from Tate. One small gripe I will add ing your attention throughout. This art. They seem far too modern, but spise. “Transparency”, also by Picabia, to be able to hold the smooth carved is that there is no seating, which pisses would be a good choice for people who were created in 1935. Picabia’s “Con- is an ugly, angry-looking naked wom- wood pieces and possibly steal one as a me off almightily. It’s a fair effort slow- don’t always have much patience with versation I” is a creative use of naked an being molested by a giant pair of souvenir (again, one for the handbag). ly walking round these rooms, and I art, or budding art-lovers – in addition, bodies. They’re splashed with colour hands. Ugh. Duchamp’s “L.H.O.O.Q.” The last room, “Eroticism”, is just an would have appreciated the occasional of course, to life-long art fanatics like and dotted about on a black and white will no doubt sell a lot of postcards. It’s orgy of raw nudity, and I’m not in the break. It’s nice to be able to sit down me. striped background, like classical stat- the Mona Lisa with a moustache and mood. The exhibition lost me here, and admire the art from a distance, ues falling into a black hole. goatee. I’m not exactly inspired. Ap- and I couldn’t be bothered to pay at- and maybe do a little people-watching. The Duchamp, Man Ray and I’m always disappointed by how art parently if you read the title out the tention anymore. Picabia, dirty-mind- It’s also particularly annoying having Picabia exhibition runs from 21st exhibitions tend to end on a low. Pica- French way, it sounds like the French ed old fart that he is, should go away to stand up when you’re trying to take February – 26th May 2008 at the bia evidently went mental with boobs “elle a chaud au cul” = “she has a hot now please. notes to write an article! The exhibi- Tate Modern on level 4. Students and dingy colours. “Minos”, a jumbled arse”. Well, yippee. An artistic triumph Overall the exhibition is excellent. tion benefits from having a wide range get in for £9 28 felix Friday 7 March 2008

Music Music Editors – Peter Sinclair and Susan Yu [email protected] Cardigans release best of... The fabulous Susan Yu lends her ears to the latest, greatest Cardigans compilation

Some Fine Wine and You Need to be ‘Carnival’ and ‘Daddy’s Car’ emerging Nicer.’ as attention grabbing tracks, solid in Peter Sinclair The Cardigans are greatly defined by terms of the rich texture, with many Music Editor their lead singer. Nina Persson’s promi- splashes of colour provided by splen- nent vocals show remarkable versatili- did string refrains, use of synthesiz- ahaha – the NME ty, playful and coquettish with a strong ers and guitar hooks, irresistibly Awards. Now I know I hint of longing on tracks like ‘Lovefool’ putting a huge happy grin on said I didn’t care about The Cardigans (with its saccharine and teasing tone- your face. them, I know I’m being Best Of Cardigans “Love me, love me, say that you’ll love A change in direction from H a hypocrite, but this is Phantom Sound & Vision me” combined with the dynamic disco the bright and chirpy melodies ★★★★✩ too good to resist. The winners of the beats, making it highly infectious and present in previous albums Shockwaves NME Awards 2008 were exceedingly memorable) or raw and lead to Gran Turismo, where announced last week to much pomp The Cardigans, one of the most success- somewhat dark and edgy on the lines The Cardigans adopt consid- and fanfare, confirming in the process ful musical exports from a nation that of ‘My Favourite Game’ and ‘War.’ erably more moody sound- the rumours that the popular alterna- brought us super-giants like Abba and This greatest album is scapes. Ultimately, it gave tive music scene has indeed ascended The Hives, are set to release theirir top- suitablysuitably chronologi- rise to the rather addictive up its own arse and disappeared into an drawer gems in their greatest album.lbum. callycally arranged, hit – ‘Erase/Rewind,’ with infinite loop of self-congratulation and Thumbs up. With over six millionllion beginningbeg with its sultry, purring vocals, self-importance. The situation is simi- albums sales in the bag and a musicusic earlyea material ambient electronics, lar to the game ‘Portal’, except instead career spanning 14 years, is it re- takenta from subtle back beat and of shooting portals, you shoot arses. ally any wonder that The Cardigansans theirth debut ‘Higher’ being ‘their And instead of the premise of the game have received numerous accoladesdes albumal Em- closest to Gospel’ com- being to escape from the test facility, it and a widespread fan-base? Best OfOf merdalem . ‘Rise ing from the horse’s is to give kudos to awful bands and to is the long anticipated amalgama-ma- & Shine’ and mouth, Surprisingly, make me generally depressed. And in- tion of the band’s twenty-one or so ‘Sick‘ and having listened care- stead of Weighted Companion Cubes, finest hits taken from their past sixix Tired’T are fully, the intimate na- you have…etc. studio albums, comprising hugege bothb quin- ture of this reflective I wasn’t expecting a sudden epiphany stormers like ‘Lovefool’ (from thehe tessentiallyt piece is putatively on NME’s part this year – it was ob- album ‘First Band on the Moon’)n’) light-heart- spiritual. Other vious they were going to give awards which featured in Baz Luhrmann’sn’s ed, remi- standout tracks in- such as ‘Best Album’, ‘Best Radio Show’ blockbuster romantic tragedy thatat niscentn of clude ‘I Need Some and ‘Best Dressed’ to celebrities with is Romeo and Juliet. Having beenen breezy,b Fine Wine And You mediocre albums (Klaxons – ‘Myths catapulted to international stardomom sunnysunny summer d days with Need To Be Nicer,’ of the Near Future’), mediocre radio by this track, The Cardigans con- theth appearance off jangling, taken from album shows (Zane Lowe) and questionable tinued to go from strength to strength Smiths-esque guitars, a quick tempo, number six- Su- dress senses (Noel Fielding). It’s not like with established classic tracks such as strong sense of rhythm, epitomizing per Extra Grav- I was eagerly awaiting the announce- ‘Erase/Rewind,’ ‘My Favourite Game,’ the pleasantly upbeat feel-good factor ity. This sure is ment of the winners so I could engage ‘Carnival’‘Carnival’ andand more recentrecently,ly, corkerscorkers thatthat isis thethe hallmarkhallm of their music. The a feisty rocker, in the ritual berating of the NME and includingincluding ‘‘II sanguine atmosphericsatmo are then re- centered around the lamentation of the loss of times NeedNeed placed in the wakew of langourous sleep. simple yet im- gone by when it was the real alterna- The achingly-beautifulachingl ‘After All,’ mensely catchy tive, which of course accompanies the conjures a jazzy, lounge piano bar guitar riffs, event every year. No, the reason I am backdropbackdro – Persson’s coaxing sharply portray- condescending to mention the NME cooingcooing simply oozes longing, ing the long Awards is because, ironically, of their whilstwhi conveying a palpa- odyssey that non-music awards, which serve as a blebl sense of hopelessness relationships troubling illustration of the mindset of thatt is tinged with fra- entail, ‘the good the readership (outside of poor musi- gility – “On a night like times and the cal taste). this, you can hear the bad times, which is A prime example is Pete Doherty, words, see behind the inextricably linked the troubled young poet (no less than word”’ to booze, with refer- half an English Literature degree to his Their second album, ences to the all too often, ill name) and frontman of indie group LiveL , sold obscene effects of high alcohol consumption. Babyshambles, took home the ‘Hero amountsam in 1995. This is One does not need to hesitate to say This collection is further available with of the Year’ award. All congratulations thethe LP tthathat ffundamentally got both that Best Of brings together a well- a bonus limited edition double disc are due to the man who managed to fansfans and criticscrit alike, all around the chosen compilation of treasures from including B-sides and rarities for the not smoke crack or shoot up heroin for globe,globe, to taketak imminent notice with a vast collection by The Cardigans. hardcore fans out there. an entire year. Perhaps if we all took his example and stopped smoking crack and shooting up heroin, we too could be recipients of this prestigious acco- lade. Not to mention get a lot more done. Nu-rave kings Hadouken! headline Koko on the NME tour Furthermore, the award for ‘Best Live Event’ went to the corporate-sellout- in their glockenspiel-popping beats as bescent teens ‘bounce their balls.’ The moves in Saga Megadrive’s Street Hadouken! prepubescent-indie-scenester-£130- Koko they were in the main act. stylish Alice Spooner seems to be the Fighter (three older brothers and a per-ticket-rapefest(s), the ‘Carling 18th January, 2008 Hadouken! stormed the stage and in backbone of this band, pumping out childhood of consoles teach a girl Weekend: Reading and Leeds Festivals’. a mist of flying glowsticks and sound- the synths that make Hadouken! who something) these guys can really throw For those who haven’t attended, there is ing the alarm bells they launch straight they are. a punch. Each song is a new explosion actually an NME-sponsored stage (the Koko: A majestic venue for a mesmer- into ‘Bounce’, making even the pre-pu- Named after one of the greatest of energy knocking the audience into a ‘NME Stage’) at the festival, so it is not ising band. Well that’s what I thought frenzy. much of a surprise this got a mention until last minute announcements were With a debut album set for release, but I’m sure we would all appreciate it made that age restrictions were be- vocalist James Smith tests the wa- if they were a bit more subtle and a bit ing scrapped, filling Camden’s palace ter with a few new tracks that show less shameless with their advertising. with sweaty children running around Hadouken! will last, and that their in- I was going to stop but OK one more. in a neon blur of glowsticks and tacky die grime synth metallic mind-blowing ‘Villain of the Year’ went, for the third jackets. noise can create more than the odd year running, to George W. Bush. Why? The Shockwave NME tours aren’t hit. And then more of the ‘old’, ‘Danc- I have absolutely no idea. Neither does just about the headliners. The line-up ing lesson,’ ‘Liquid Lives’ and of course the NME. Neither does anyone. for all the gigs have been impressive the legendary ‘Tuning in’ before the I’m really sorry. I promise the next this year, but Cut Copy really take to beats of ‘That Boy That Girl’ called for column I write will be about some- their own becoming more than just bedtime for all the ‘Hoxton Heros’ and thing I like and I won’t mention NME. a support act. They weren’t there to ‘Indie Cindies’ – there was school the I don’t enjoy being grumpy. I just need warm up the audience, although that next day after all. This last blow from to calm down and relax, smoke some was done without them breaking into the band threw the audience into a fi- crack and shoot up some heroin, and sweat, they were there to play for their nal cyclone and set me up for a kebab! the next column will be lovely. fans who seemed to be as interested Hadouken! Eman Malhas Friday 7 March 2008 felix 29 [email protected] Music Mit unleash German electro-mayhem IC Radio Presents: And the nice bag check-in man was Darjeeling. The music itself was enough to make One Little Plane + Born Ruffians + Mit a Ghostface Killah fan, so there were The final set and main event of the their set good, but it was the stage Single Camden Barfly thumbs up all round. night was an absolutely stunning per- performance of the band, vocalist Edi The first band of the night was an un- formance by German electro three- Winarni in particular, which made signed acoustic singer One Little Plane, piece MIT. It’s hard writing about mu- it excellent. Singing in a mixture of Column A couple of Saturdays ago, I was treat- stage name for singer/songwriter Ka- sic you love without sounding over the German and English, the combina- ed to a trio of semi-underground mu- thryn Bint. Admittedly, as soon as the sic at ‘Kill ‘Em All’, held at The Camden acoustic guitar is taken from its case Les Savy Fav Patty Lee/Sweet Descends Barfly. The venue itself is a nice little and a young hippy-esque lady stepped ★★★★★ place – although part of a large chain up to the microphone, there was a of venues with locations all around the small but detectable wave of ‘here we UK, the Camden branch manages to go again’ which made its way around ‘Patty Lee’ has wonderful guitar tones maintain an individual feel and an inti- the room, constructively interfering that recall The Stone Roses’ John mate atmosphere. I’m not sure if it was in my eyes and throat which promptly Squire, and are almost hypnotic. Har- due to the trendy Camden folk it has as rolled and scoffed respectively. I was rington’s vocals are very immediate, clientele, the general grotty-chic of the soon eating my scoff however as, far and throw in some poetic lyrics (“She place, or the reasonably priced Broth- from the 60’s knock-off cliché I was moved like smoke and sounded like ers , but either way it has my approval. expecting, Kathryn Bint makes lovely ice”) and you have the makings of a music. Her voice is wispy and ethereal, great song. perfectly matched to the nostalgic, po- ‘The Sweat Descends’ opens with a etic lyrics, rich in metaphor and oooh few notes not sounding too unlike the just loveliness. Also, I later found out Yeah Yeah Yeahs’ ‘Y Control’, but when the innocuous backing guitarist was Harrington’s fierce, yelpy vocals once Kieran Hebden (Four Tet), which was again enter, we know we are getting rather unexpected. something altogether more different. Born Ruffians were next up, a To- It’s a very energetic song, and never ronto based indie band, treating us to Mit at the Camden Barfly. Photographs by James Houghton fails to keep your interest throughout. some tone-saturated guitar twangs and These are two very, very impres- lyrics about being a teenager and the sive songs, and I would urge anyone like. Admittedly, I’m not a fan of indie top and ridiculous, but this was prob- tion of his feminine voice and visceral to seek these out – you won’t be left at the best of times, but their set re- ably the best set I have seen in I don’t delivery made the performance both disappointed. ally was a low point, embodying most know how long. Comparisons between fundamentally unnerving and breath- Mit Shah indie boy clichés I could think of. Car- MIT and their electro-Germanic fore- taking. digans, predictable 4:4 timings punc- fathers Kraftwerk seem to be made Sadly, after a brief visit to the UK, tuated by pretentious 18-29s here and whenever they are mentioned (which MIT are back in Germany for a while, The Tunics Cost Of Living there to mix it up a bit, falsetto tones. has been regularly recently due to an but if you happen to be in Manchester ★★★✩✩ Yes, Jeff Buckley made it OK, but Jeff up-coming album), however apart in May you can catch them on the 1st. Buckley could pull it off. Listening to from being German and being suck- Go see this band if you get the chance. a couple of tracks on their Myspace ers for the Moog, the two bands have So that was my night at ‘Kill ‘Em At first, you could be forgiven for con- afterwords made my opinion soften a little in common. MIT’s sound seems All’. After the bands finished we went fusing this band with so many other bit. Although it pains me to admit it, to have evolved from much heavier, downstairs and got pissed while danc- rock groups we’ve heard over the last they have some catchy tunes, and the darker roots, using the electronic edge ing to filthy electro remixes of 90s RnB few years – their sound rings so many lyrics aren’t ALL about being a teen- to make their sound more menacing tunes, courtesy of The Filthy Dukes. bells. Listen a bit harder, though, and ager and getting dumped. Some, such while remaining danceable. Like that Although it took me well over an hour you notice that unlike all the other as ‘Foxes Mate For Life’ are quite witty scene in Blade where all the vampires to get home from Camden, I went to bands with their inane lyrics, these and intelligent (it’s because they are in are dancing in the club before Blade sleep happily tapping my feet and try- guys have tried to provoke thought love). Generally, though, I had a very comes in and slaughters them all. ing to make my mouth sound like a and possibly even emotion with ‘Cost negative impression of this band after Think ‘The Knife’, but less poppy and Moog. of Living’. The track is also very well Edi Winarni going fucking mental they had left the stage. Not my cup of without the chilly Nordic feel. Peter Sinclair produced, so it sounds pretty nice. Definitely worth a listen! Chris Birkett

Ida Maria New album from Pedro out on the 8th of March – BUY IT Stella ★★★✩✩ ate a beautifully crafted musical Tower terrifying.” of Babel. Glorious and terrifying indeed. You ‘Stella’ tells the story of God giving the This album should come with a join the album by stepping over the world away to a 43-year-old prostitute health warning – it’s a form of psy- body of a comatose biker into a party from Manhattan in return for a night chological graffiti. It is really probably that is already well-established, and with her, and musically is almost as best for those naughty, naughty people tentatively open a door into to a room innovative as the theme. The tune is amongst you who may or may not dab- where a pink rainbow flows into a catchy and the chorus memorable. Ida Pedro ble in certain cheeky forms of herbal huddle of tiny penguins. Uber trend- Maria’s vocals, quite hoarse at times, You, Me and Everyone cigarettes to stay sober whilst listening ies wearing 80’s style futuristic shades are reminiscent of Janis Joplin, where- Mush Records ★★★★★ to it, or risk succumbing to the mental mingle with kids from the ghetto, shav- as the manner in which she sings and aura of mind-bending samples in a way en headed monks sit on the floor play- lyrics themselves resemble the work of that left The Beta Band’s lone pigeon ing xylophones as, all dressed in black Lou Reed. A lively single, fairly differ- Those indie buffs amongst you may wandering the streets barefoot for tie, three members of the London Sym- ent from usual mainstreem indie but remember James Rutledge as part of three years. phonic squeeze past with their instru- still without that much to brag about. the early naughties band The Dakota Perhaps put best in his own words, ments to the next room. When ‘Spools’ It will, however, attract listeners of var- Oak Trio until the tragic death of co- after spending a prolonged period reverses into your consciousness you ious musical styles. member Dave Tyack – a tragedy that listening to jazz and primitive noise, can’t quite remember what street you Kate Agathos had a profound impact upon Rutledge Rutledge quite literally dreamt up live on, but it doesn’t matter because who stepped back from music for a few You, Me & Everyone one night. “I was you’re having a damn good time, but years, only to remerge in his latest re- walking around the corridors of my that woosy feeling you’re experiencing The SeLF Somebody Nobody incarnation – sampling god Pedro. old secondary school, and I could hear persists into ‘Lung’ and you go around ★★★★✩ You, Me & Everyone is a truly enig- the album being played by this strange telling everyone the guy on the decks matic album where track boundaries band of about 100 people. I could hear really is DJ Shadow. Then, feeling a tad have no meaning, themes and melo- different parts of the music that I’d bit pale, you’re hit by a blast of synco- The new single from The SeLF cap- dies slide in and out to be repeated been working on repeating and sliding pated beats and you realise you’re well tures the feel of The Verve at their an- later, and a diverse range into earshot as I tried on the way to your first ever musical themic best. As a mid tempo sound- of influences to find where whitie. scape seeps from the guitars, singer are com- it was By ‘Green apples’ the middle-aged Herman Stephens delivers heartfelt bined coming man with the pink shades and grey hair lyrics of substance with aplomb. The (in- from. (who you suspect never escaped the James Rutledge AKA Pedro way the song ebbs back and forth from cluding When summer of love) is handing you a glass verse to chorus in an uncomplicated free jazz, I finally of water and telling you to chill out structure makes the track easy to listen psych- got to the and take it easy but unfortunately the Everyone packs up and rolls away in its to, yet also emphasises the songs tow- edelics, gym, they simmering flutes, twittering of birds VW Campervan on the back of a gold- ering nature. If The SeLF can produce African rhythms, had finished playing and the improvisations of the 5-piece en swan on a never ending acid trip, an album’s worth of songs like this, ex- hip-hop, elec- and were all stood jazz band jamming in the corner are leaving you bleary eyed but satisfied pect them to be leading thousands of tronic and classi- staring at me. It all a bit too much to take for your poor that you’ve had one hell of time. lighter-holding fans at a festival soon. cal genres) to cre- was glorious and confused brain. In the end, You Me & Steven Burgess Nat Roocroft 30 felix Friday 7 March 2008

Nightlife Nightlife Editor – Francesca O’Hanlon [email protected] I heart 1001 and so will you It really is the club that has everything. Even a policeman pretending to sell crack

The best of East London in the Francesca O’Hanlon upcoming week (Look forward to Nightlife Editor oly cow, it’s been a hec- some long bus journeys home) tic week. Well not really, I had one big night and I hate to admit it, but with exams around the corner it might be time then five days recover- to start hitting the books rather than hitting the London nightlife. H ing, but it was worth it. Before all that though, why not have one last week to clear your On Thursday last week, me and Jack head (and your bank account). Here’s a week of some varied East headed down to Fabric for the Break- London club nights, sure to satisfy your need for good music and beat championships. While I could beverages. chitter on for hours about how good it was, instead, I would like to discuss the Sunday 9th March – Clockwork Bar – Islington: 5 squid after 9pm. Fabric bouncers. I hate bouncers. They Sunday night doesn’t have to be one of rest, why not ramp up are rude, aggressive and just generally the intensity with a night of drum and bass at Clockwork Bar? The patronising. Why do they feel it neces- fortnightly Metalheadz Sunday Sessions is a great way to end your sary to just screw up a night by being weekend with a bang. absolute arseholes? For example; Why do they always make you feel so guilty Cafe 1001. Full of young trendy people who shop at Topshop Monday 10th March – Cargo – ILUVLIVE: £6 in advance, £8 on the about being drunk? Everyone is drunk, door. For Monday we have some live music, with the ILUVLIVE UK it’s a Friday night, even your parents Urban Showcase at Cargo in the East End. Featuring artists such are sitting at home watching Have I Kadhim Shubber on the guest list or search desperately as Taio Cruz, Bashy and beatboxing from Faith SFX, it’s something Got News For You with several bottles for a European model to gain entry. If different at a cool venue. of wine giggling at the topical humour “You’ve got the right attitude, no prob- you’re not wearing diapers you prob- that they explain to you that you will lems”, booms the doorman as I’m ush- ably won’t need your ID either, there’s Wednesday 12th March – Dogstar – Brixton 808 Volt: Free Entry- not find funny because you have not ered inside Café 1001; a unique venue no entry fee and no “let me stamp your from 4pm-2am. It’s halfway through the week now, and time for read nearly enough of The Times/ that you’d be foolish to avoid. This is a hand” crap. Head straight up the stairs something a little different. Dosgstar, in Brixton, is the ‘first DJ bar Guardian/Independent. Anyway my café/bar/club that says no to queuing in front of you, into the first room, if in London’ and plays a variety of music including Brazilian, Latin Hip point was that bouncers are fannies for entry, monotonous nights out and you don’t know what music you’re Hop and Baille Funk. Drinks are cheap and with free entry it’s worth and here is a perfectly good example of unimaginative music. hearing… That’s a good thing, em- a look instead of your standard Wednesday night. their fanniness in action: Situated at the end of Brick Lane, brace the fact that you’re finally in a BOUNCER: No you can’t come back the venue is the perfect place for an club where the DJs are artists, not just Saturday 15th March – Sosho – 2 Tabernacle St, EC2A in you’re drunk. all-round night out. Burgers, chips, ba- people who know how to fade from Lasermagnetic: £5 entry-9pm-4am. Last but by no means least, CLUBMAN/WOMAN/ME: I’m not guettes and even fruit are all available one track to another. Café 1001 has a Sosho on a Saturday showcase Lasermagnetic. A night of cool drunk, I always throw up in my bra and at 1001- this is like no other club you’ve great variety of music, live acts and in- electronic disco, they mix some great cocktails and you’ll be rubbing then put it back on... been to before. Revellers congregate ternational DJ’s from soul to electro to shoulders with a very international crowd. BOUNCER: No you don’t. outside smoking, talking and eating; house to dub. Stop for a moment and Alistair Owen CLUBMAN/WOMAN/ME: Yes I do there’s seating provided in the form take in your surroundings. BOUNCER: No you don’t. of picnic tables. You might have made The décor is relaxed and the light- CLUBMAN/WOMAN/ME: Yes I do some guesses about the dress code by ing gives you a feeling of sepia-toned BOUNCER: No you don’t. this point. Curries, Burgers and pic- happiness; throw your self down onto skates but less expensive than West you’re looking for- clubbing, food, con- CLUBMAN/WOMAN/ME: Yes I do nic tables do not mix with expensive the cushions or grab a couple of sofas End clubs. A can of Red Stripe is £2.40. versation, techno, live music,a heavy BOUNCER: No you don’t. dresses and brand new loafers. Leave and… chill. Either way, it’s a hell of a lot of fun to night, a chilled night- Café 1001 has CLUBMAN/WOMAN/ME: Yes I do all the pretentious West End bullshit It’s time to get down to the basics - lie back on a sofa, sip your beer and got it. It’s even been in a music video – BOUNCER: No you don’t. behind and dress like an interesting drinks. Head on through into the sec- watch some tripped out guy dancing check out Bloc Party’s ‘Prayer’. CLUBMAN/WOMAN/ME: Yes I do human being. Think more Crackbitch ond room, ignore the forty year-old by himself. You’d have to be crazy not to put BOUNCER: Then you need to sort than Jack Wills. At the very least, dress man in a babygrow dancing in a circle The only fault of the club is the fact Café 1001 at the top of your to-do list, your fucking life out. like a NORMAL human being. and go straight to the bar. You’ve got a that it closes at 12pm. However this so gather your mates and get down to Anywho, so after this event, I wasn’t At some point, you’re going to have to great variety of drinks, from cocktails isn’t really a problem because there Brick Lane for food, dancing and fun expecting much politeness from the go inside, so you know… go inside. No to cans of beer and they are reason- are many other clubs and pubs in the the likes of which you’ll never find in Fabric bouncers when, at six in the need to phone a friend to get yourself ably priced. Not as cheap as Cheap- surrounding area. Regardless of what the West End. morning, as the club was closing, I ran back downstairs for a wee. All the toi- lets were locked, but instead of laugh- ing at me as I got more and more red in the face trying to hold it in, they ush- ered me into a little building connected Fabric hosts the Breakbeat Awards to Fabric, (turned out to be the head bouncer’s house) let me do my busi- ness, then offered me a cup of tea! I po- Jack Massey to newskoolers such as Rektchordz, all litely declined (too much weeing) and in aid of the 7th annual International they walked me out, made sure I didn’t How many times have you stood on a Breakbeat Awards. get into a shitty minicab where I would dance floor, looked about, and won- Even in the international room, dis- be offered champagne and then killed, dered how many people around you playing breaks from across Europe, and bid me farewell. Although a small are actually feeling the music being the atmosphere was massive. Every interaction, it was a very important played? time the b-lines dropped, the floor one, because it completely restored my In my opinion, too many clubs are went crazy, the highlight for me was faith in bouncers. Well done big hench- being filled with people who are there how much DJ Deekline rocked Room Fabric-men in bomber jackets. solely because they want to get pickled Two. Everyone in that room was hang- So that is it for this week. If you too and not really because of a love of the ing by his every mix, scratch and drop. have a new found love of bouncers, you music. Don’t get me wrong, I love a This reminded me of what breaks is can write in to tell me, or if you want good pickling, but I hate getting onto about, loving the driving bass lines and to write a review, that’s also very wel- a dance floor, where the atmosphere pounding beats. come. Or in fact for any reason write created by a DJ rocking the crowd is The best DJ award went to Stanton in at [email protected]. lost because people are hearing but not Warriors and best producer to Plump Also if anyone has any funny stories feeling their work. DJs, who also picked up Best Single of nights out, send them in. Mainly However, last week at Fabric was dif- and Best Label. for my enjoyment, but who knows- we ferent. For a club which consistently Alas, now only 12 months until the may print them too! As always, have a plays host to the best in breaks and 8th annual championships, which I am messy week, not so much so that you drum ‘n’ bass, even a casual Thursday most certainly planning to go to. Not wet yourself but more so than going night was huge. The complete range for the awards themselves, but for the wild and spending an extra 50p on the of breakbeat’s finest performed, from atmosphere and DJs that made it an in- itbox. legends such as Krafty Kuts, through credible night out. The incredibly talented Krafty Kuts.... Wearing a pair of Skechers? Friday 7 March 2008 felix 31

Fashion Fashion Editor – Sarah Skeete [email protected] Wallet versus conscience Daniel Wan discusses whether you should spend that bit extra on ethical clothes COOL

rganic and fairtrade under sweatshop conditions for less food has under- than $1 a day”. This type of exploitation gone a sharp rise in occurs in some of the poorest areas of popularity in recent the world, including Asia and South times, and fashion America, where society is probably O is seemingly follow- less concerned with ecology and ethi- ing suit. Ethical awareness is becom- cal teatment of their workforce. Hence, ing a large part of fashion marketing. less media coverage and investigation; London Fashion Week held a section the general public are less taken back for ethical fashion initiative Estethica. by the shock-tactic media exposé we Floral print It provided the chance for ‘ethically- seem to be affected by. So pretty! But stop it look- qualified – companies to showcase how A company that has made their ing too girly by pairing it with much they’ve done to keep the produc- name based on their fairtrade labour trainers or canvas tops. tion and sale of their clothes morally practises and environmental policies is squeaky clean. So no Malaysian school Los Angeles-based American Apparel. children, no monkeys chained to sew- The now common high street retailer ing machines and no hamster-fur coats is vertically integrated, meaning that here. they possess total control over manu- These companies are having us be- facture, wholesale and retail duties. lieve that being fairtrade and ethical is Standards and policies are procedure- actually as important to them as mak- wide, so regulation is tight and there ing money. I splutter in the face if any- is little ambiguity between the several Despite their glum exteriors, these people are Happy. Happy, I tell you! one that believes it. It’s just a giant mar- different firms that would normally be keting tool and, in some cases, a very used in garment production. In this good excuse for charging the gullible way American Apparel can guarantee about it?” Overall, ethical and eco the guy who stitched up the seams of Butterflys consumer even more for their clothes 100% ethical clothing. A sense of con- morals seemed to have very little bear- their T shirt. Wear butterfly prints in hair and accessories. However, maybe I’m sumer trust has grown with American ing in their choice of clothes. Paying an It seems it’s not just us who are more accessories, bags and purses. being utterly cynical. I just find it hard Apparel’s reputation in both the US extra few quid for the peace of mind concerned about fiscal standings. Even This darling hair slide is from to imagine the CEO of a major fashion and the UK. American Apparel can that their new top was made with- Don Charvey, founder and director of Miss Selfridge, wear in an outlet, whilst sitting in the back of his afford to charge a little more to cover out detriment to anyone or anything American Apparel, is “getting bored” emo sort of way. It is the print diesel-imbibing Bentley, thinking what the costs of having fair trade standards; seemed absurd to the average Imperial with the whole morally clean market- for Spring, stars can go fuck the next kind of organic hemp he’s go- their LA-based factory pays an average student. Most claimed knowledge of ing. “There are other companies that themselves. Although I’m not ing to produce his next line of hand- of around $12 an hour, and an $8 mini- the infamous Nike sweatshop scandals pay crappy wages that are winning sure how. bags from. Ulterior motives or not, mum. This being said, American Ap- in the late 1990s, but only one person awards for their financial perform- surely it’s a good thing that more and parel’s other marketing pitch is the fact I spoke to said they had stopped buy- ance,” he openly expresses. more companies are becoming ethi- that their clothes are timeless. They ing their products. Many hadn’t re- I can’t see the day that Primark cally conscious. last longer than the average sweater, ally thought about the clothes they stops attracting hordes of bargain- But what actually is ethical clothing? and taken out of the cupboard 20 years buy involving some degree of moral craving women, and the day when a It is fashion that takes into considera- later, their style will still be relevant. malpractice until I questioned them cash-strapped single mother turns to tion the people behind the production I’m part of their target market and in about it. They simply “weren’t aware” ethically valued shops to clothe her and sale of the clothing, and the im- all honesty, the latter pitch is the one and “didn’t notice” the issues that are children. The vast majority of people pacts on the environment of producing I relate to much more than their eco- brought up by today’s Nazi-efficient willing and able to pay extra for their these clothes. Obviously, not all cloth- ethical marketing when I buy from AA. production lines. Is education the key clothing will be the purchasers of ing outlets source their stock from I’m guessing that the majority of peo- to getting the average schmuck to fi- ethical clothing, and that is the truth. underground Thai sweatshops, and ple that shop at AA do so because of nally turn to ethically produced cloth- Maybe one day a revolutionary icon Topshop does Fairtrade in the modern world we live in, fewer style rather than principles. ing; finally making a stand against this under the devious guise of ‘Waniel I hate it when companies, and fewer can get away with it due to A quick survey around Imperial, and ‘fast-fashion’ culture and turning the Dan’ will resurrect the hippy mind set clothing or coffee, only do growing public concern and, hence, most agree. Responses ranged from the head of every director of every fashion of the world that hooked the 60s into a line of Fairtrade alongside media scrutiny. However, Eco fashion more heavy-headed; “if you want to be outlet in the country? No. Fair trade tree hugging, making our own clothes their other offerings which are designer Tamsin Lejeune, founder of fashionable, you’re not going to care,” and eco-friendly clothing costs more. from home-grown cotton, and getting presumably made from forced the EFF, the Ethical Fashion Forum, to the more sympathetic: “there are People are more concerned about their off our faces on shrooms. Ok, maybe child labour. Nonetheless, the claims there are labourers “working concerns but who can afford to think own personal wealth, and not that of not that last part. Fairtrade tees that are avail- able from Topshop are pretty sweet. Fashion pointers from the RAG team

Alice Johnston flops and summer dresses look aban- big a fan of Accesorize as anyone, but dress or bored with your skinnies and doned in favour of the more practical I am getting a little tired of seeing peo- the fashion magazines are full of size With London Fashion Week having wellies. Hunter wellies are the classic ple with exactly the same jewels as me. zeros in unattainably expensive clothes, just finished, it’s all about Brits doing choice, or for a kookier look funkywel- Les Néréides has something to suit why not seek inspiration elsewhere? things the way we always have, with an lingtons.com have all prints and col- everyone’s taste. Le Barbe Noire range This year’s Imperial College fashion edginess and quirkiness seen nowhere ours imaginable. has skulls, crossbones, pirate ships and show is the perfect place to see what else. Capturing this perfectly are graph- If vintage is your thing and the dazzling jewels. Diamantine is multi- the new season has to offer. Many of Teenagers ic print tees, such as those from Porto- stealthy 70’s revival currently creeping faceted jewels in all the colours of the the brands mentioned above are being I hate you all, with your bright bello boutique I Saved Laurence. Neon up on us is what you’re aiming for, the rainbow that positively shimmer in kind enough to lend us their clothes for H&M clothing, and your insou- blues and pinks sit well with prints vintage shops of Kingly Court, Carnaby the light. Or if the ethnic/tribal look is the fashion show. The show is in aid ciant faces. of sunglasses, safety pins, Godzilla Street are just the ticket. There’s plenty more up your street then the Twiggie of Michael Sobell House, a hospice in It’s got to the point where I’m and many others. Think Henry Hol- to choose from but one of my personal range is perfect, with browns, oranges North-West London. now happy to be IDed, like, land but cuter and less self-important. favourites is Sam Greenberg. For girls, and wooden detailing. Boys take note too… we have pieces ha! I beat you time! Even American companies like Urban if you have the balls, their jumpsuits It is a well-known tactic among the from menswear brands such as Lyle I’m no longer attractive to Outfitters stock entirely different col- are bang on trend or for something more fashionably-orientated girls of and Scott, the Rudolf Dassler collection weird 20-somethings with lections in this country to those in the slightly less frightening try the 70’s day Imperial that in order to avoid the hor- at Puma, Urban Outfitters, surfwear Lolita complexes. It’s a hard US. It’s all about layering, having fun dresses, retro t-shirts and A-line skirts. ror of someone having the same Sum- from O’Neill, suits from Hawes and life. Well at least I’m not over with accessories, and the typical Urban For the boys, vintage checked shirts, mer Ball dress as you, the key is to get Curtis and tuxes from Moss Bros. Oh, 30. I need therapy. Outfitters rockstar twist. plimsolls and casual jackets rule. Their in there early. A new find in this arena and there will be girls in underwear! I know you may not believe this, but menswear is also stocked at Topshop, is a brand called Xterity. Their pieces the hippie look is back, only in a newer, Oxford Circus. are stunning, based on classic couture The fashion show will take sleeker way. Boho’s older, more sophis- I should also mention the King’s with incredible attention to detail, each place at Guanabara, Holborn, LAME ticated sister, if you will. Think of the Road’s best-kept secret, Les Néréides. dress has its unique flair. Even if these on Tuesday 11th March. Tickets Stella McCartney floral jumpsuit or the This family-run French jewellery bou- are too pricey for us mere students they are available from www.union. festival look we’ll all be championing tique has some of the most interesting, make a pretty gorgeous daydream. ic.ac.uk. For more info visit www. come June. Glastonbury is, of course, yet wearable jewellery I have seen, and If you, like many others of the fash- icfashionshow.co.uk or email rag. the archetypal festival, with the flip the shop always smells divine! I am as ion pack, are feeling jaded with the day [email protected] 32 felix Friday 7 March 2008

Fashion [email protected] Paris Fashion Week, Fall ‘08 RTW A report on the last major Autumn/Winter 2008 catwalk shows, dans le joli Paris by David J Paw

aris is known as the Ghesquière pulled out all the stops. “church of fashion” for a Jackets that had been moulded, good reason. No other sliced and sculpted to form the body- city in the world can lay defining pieces that Balenciaga himself claim to its pedigree and favoured were redefined in shiny, slick P heritage for all things sar- plastics and latex that fused classics torial – this is the city, after all, that from the archives with Ghesquière’s saw Paul Poiret liberate women from own sci-fi tastes (who could forget the suffocating restraints of the corset, the manic robo-leggings from spring Christian Dior usher in the New Look 2007’s show?). The powerful glare of and Coco Chanel revolutionise wom- studio spotlights was transformed into en’s dress. The city’s governing body benign, mesmerising shapes by me- for fashion, the Chambre Syndicale, ticulously cut black satin in one piece chooses very carefully not only whom while skinny cigarette trousers in mut- it allows to show for the prestigious ed shades of grey balanced the rich, and biannual couture shows, but also creamy contrast of colour in gorgeously its ready-to-wear shows. If London is draped velvet and taffeta tops. But this a creative hotbed of eccentricity, New was a more mature iteration of his pre- York is sleek city chic and Milan the vious collections – powerful enough to home of unabashed glamour, then steer the choppy course of fashion, but Paris is the place where the future of wearable enough to be snapped up for fashion takes shape. more than sheer collectibility. A glance at the list of shows reveals a depth of talent that even Milan would Chanel lie, cheat and steal to obtain, and it is no coincidence that Paris is the last city Some designs are so iconic and classic on the schedule – any other city or se- that they barely need to be altered. The ries of shows would be swept away in Porsche 911 and Fender Strat are two its wake. The crème de la crème is here such designs. The Chanel tweed jacket – and you’d better be on your toes. and skirt combination is another. Karl Lagerfeld provided an effortless medi- Balenciaga tation on current trends recast in a whitewashed space, complete with Every season, the industry’s elite make carousel and a viewing platform that their way to the Balenciaga show early models returned to once completing in the morning for fashion’s equiva- their short route for further viewing. lent of what critic and fashion histo- Beautiful trailing coats and peplum rian Colin MacDowell once described jackets hit the sweet spot while full- as “the scrubbing of the chapel steps”. length separates were considered in a This small but roaring house means looser fashion than Marios Schwab’s business, and is back in a big way after earlier body-conscious incarnation. creative director Nicholas Ghesquière’s Lagerfeld focused heavily on unforced, recent tour de force collections. The easy interpretations of Chanel classics last couple of shows, though eventu- laid out with heavy fabrics artfully torn ally influential, had been met with a and roughly hewn – a certain celluloid (Left to right) Chanel; Balenciaga; Lanvin; Junya Watanabe; Chanel twinge of disappointment. But for fall, male model would approve, no doubt. A high-gloss, shiny, wet-look cocktail sports jacket with gold hardware? dress retained the archetypal silhouette Pilati played tactically with colour, while matron-like Nazca print jackets showing sparing glimpses of cerulean added interest later in the collection to and pale yellow in amongst a sea of light separates. In an interesting turn, predominantly black and brown. Stan- Lagerfeld also sent out a few looks for douts included a simple belted white the gentleman seeking fashion enlight- dress with flecks of black that turned enment, Chanel-style – appreciated if out to be feathers, and a sheer flowing only because Chanel menswear is as white shirt paired with gloriously loose rare as chicken’s teeth. The show felt trousers embellished with a constel- more like a token nod to trends than lation of sequins. At 39 in total, the a hard-hitting, season-defining col- collection was appropriately succinct, lection – but for a house with such a considering the Homeric timescales timeless aesthetic, it hardly matters of other similarly large houses. And as when much of the defining is already YSL owners Gucci (PPQ) will be glad in the past. to note, Pilati’s rising profile amongst the Paris elite will only be good for Yves Saint Laurent sales. After years of inconsistency and a couple of lukewarm receptions, most YSL’s fall show felt like an Ultraviolet people suspect they won’t be the only spinoff colliding headfirst with Asi- ones. mov’s I, Robot (or should that be I, Fembot?). Models filed out sinisterly Lanvin identical in short, abbreviated bobs and slit black sunglasses. Like Karl After some severe deliberation, I con- Lagerfeld, head designer Stefano Pi- cluded that it was impossible not to lati’s collection was essentially a fresh love Lanvin. Creative director Alber El- take on YSL classics executed with a baz’s designs appeal to the hyperfemi- singular vision and unerring verve. In nine traditionalists with their classic this case, a slick, updated futureshock silhouettes and air of refinement, and vision of precision cut, techno-organ- they appeal to the buyers and women ic and super-slick looks that quietly who want extra panache with their flaunted their (admittedly impressive) working look. Not least, they appeal credentials. Asymmetrically cut day- to the critics who laud Elbaz’s highly dresses with casually loose shoulders personalised, bold and innovative col- preceded high waisted, wide-legged lections that have been as consistent trousers that presented a louche take as their similarly rising sales figures. A on classic YSL. Even the simplest sta- beautifully proportioned pencil skirt ples were reinterpretated with a self- constructed of ribbon and layered in assured aplomb, like a breathtaking ruffles was paired to a dark gunmetal white shirt with dramatically-sculpted silk blouse while the same pleatlike de- sleeves, belted above a rising black vel- tails reappeared on a gorgeous black vet skirt with gold bordering. Or how cocktail dress. There were svelte, dark- about a subtly funnelled brown velvet ly sexy one-shouldered dresses in satin Friday 7 March 2008 felix 33 [email protected] Fashion and huge statement coats for the dar- shades of ice cream flavours, the sea- ing, tastefully opulent jewellery turned son’s focus on austere was referenced the glam up to 11, but even these were in black tailoring that was still offset by outshone by incredible dresses stud- zanily coloured tights and coats. Rykiel ded with gleaming gold sequins. worked her own brand of fun that was In amongst the smorgasbord of de- neither too urbane (Anna Sui), nor sign details was the added plus that it kooky (Marni). was, in fact, mostly practical and work- Another dominant theme was the able. In contrast to other highly con- trapeze silhouette, worked into sweat- spicuous and highly touted designers, er dresses and oversized coats, eventu- Elbaz’s designs never overpower the ally progressing to billowing full-length wearer and always allow her – and not evening gowns with zesty art prints. the clothes – to be the focus of atten- But though the clothes were undenia- tion, rather than setting up a vapid and bly gorgeous (and will sell by the shed- frankly neurotic “fashion safari” of key load), the focus was all on the models. pieces from famous designers. Thank- Bowler hats and dippy black-rimmed fully, in amongst the seething mass spectacles added to the cartoonish ex- of trends inundating editors and the aggeration brought about by the beams public, Elbaz remembered the small on their faces – it’s not every day you oversight that clothes can and should see Russian superwaif Vlada Roslya- be gorgeous. And the fashion world is kova beaming like she fell off the set of a better place for it. Bring It On. And was that the first high five ever seen on a runway? Who cares. Junya Watanabe Here’s to next season!

One of the quieter personalities of Paris (Left to right) YSL; Lanvin; Maison Martin Margiela Maison Martin Margiela Fashion Week, Watanabe described his fall collection in two words: “geometric There is always an understated excite- sculpture”. Sometimes less is more, and lebrity capsule collections (read: cash and an explosion of deep Indian reds. and most assured experience. Where ment crackling restlessly in the air Watanabe understands this perfectly. cows) for high street chains and the Light, feminine ballet-length dresses others had failed, he has conquered before a Margiela show. A talismanic With a collection that would give New amateurish efforts of would-be society with ruffled hems or embroidered de- – McQueen’s risky no-compromise force in fashion, the fashion sorority York drape artist Doo Ri Chung a run designers, it is reassuring to watch the tails were mated with teased, frizzed approach has paid dividends (his com- always sternly considers the design- for her money, he presented a pano- unearthly glare of near-genius wafting hair or enigmatic shawls that recalled pany has just gone into profit). What a er’s commentaries on trends future rama of shape and form that was true unmistakeably by. Stunning. all the eccentricity and charm of a fair- way to celebrate. and present. Heavy rock coursed over to its descriptive namesake. Geometric, ytale dream. the hall’s sound system as spotlights precisely-draped tops fell effortlessly Alexander McQueen Exaggerated silhouettes in matte Sonia Rykiel glanced up and down irascibly before across languorous split skirts dramati- black and tartan expanded into capa- the show. And then the first looks cally folded into thick bands or left They say that beauty is a commodity cious and bunched-up dresses, and The longstanding “queen of knits”, came out. More critique than mar- loose, and fluid draped jersey dresses – if you don’t appreciate it, someone tartan and heavy monochrome prints Rykiel isn’t the first person you think keting business tool, Margiela’s show formed an interesting visual continuity else will. Some may lament the fact manifested themselves in pieces with of when someone mentions joie de focused on those difficult trends that, with sharp, tucked and folded jersey that women will lie, cheat and steal for frothy, ruffled collars and jacket bor- vivre. But after last season’s spirited though they are hot as of now, it’s al- tops with layers rolling down the back an Alexander McQueen gown but for ders. Snowflakes embroidered onto finale when the models ran out at the most laughably funny that they came in a beautifully executed exploration of the fashion faithful, this is a perverse one black chiffon dress spilled over the end laughing and giggling as if – God along at the same time. line, layer and volume. Every piece was cause for celebration rather than con- hem and burst forth in a wonderfully forbid – they were real people, Rykiel Funnel necks were explored on mo- a puzzle of shapes and lines that one sternation – it is reassuring that things frivolous display, and splendid head- seems to be working the goodwill like torcycle jackets, print blouses and could happily lose oneself in. so beautiful can exist in the world. It dresses adorned the final half of the no one else. In a bizarre show that sweater dresses, resembling gargan- Tailoring was also represented by makes the world a more wondrous, collection, which ushered in a fitfully brought a smile to every face in the tuan donuts or less savoury restroom precision-cut jackets with dramatic fuzzy place to be, and though the view regal display of pomp embellished with crowd, Rykiel showed an ageless series contraptions – you almost felt bad for creases and soft folds rippling invit- is undeniably rose-tinted, those in- a newfound softness. The jewellery was of looks that would have had women of the models wearing them. And the ingly across the fabric, or familiar clined more towards the aesthetically opulent and the details indulgent, and all ages grinning with delight. Though padded shoulders. Oh, the shoulders. shapes with odd details such as the re- indulgent escapist reveries of fashion it was obvious no expense had been there was an abundance of colour- Raised, pinched and suspended until placement of conventional sleeves with were not the most realistic group of spared in what was an over-the-edge fully splashed knits and minidresses in they resembled the Hong Kong skyline cape-like openings. The models were folk to begin with – think of them as or a vigilante’s cape, they grew, curved, almost as mesmerising as the clothes lost causes. contorted and joined until they had themselves, faces shrouded in black Not that they could care less. When come full circle and mutated back into cloth with headpieces resembling said Alexander McQueen revealed this col- the funnel neck, as gloriously experi- sculptures – the designer’s play on lection on Friday, the fashion world mental and over-the-top as only Mar- words could refer to the obvious state- was turned upside down and the plan- giela can do. This didn’t stop countless ment of the models, or the referral to ets realigned themselves around earth editors, enthusiasts and bloggers pon- the clothes themselves visually repre- and more specifically, around Mc- dering their meaning, however. But senting an aesthetic more convention- Queen himself. Variously described give him more credit than that – not ally associated with the world of art. as arguably his most confident collec- everything he shows has to be delib- A painstakingly twisted, teased and tion and the most stunning since fall erated upon like an oracle’s enigmatic contorted full-length top was a com- 06’s memorable collection (massive, message. The show was anarchic, bold plex riot of shapes and proportions like sweeping Edwardian gowns and birds), and sexy – and like everyone else, we’ll something from the dark landscape of fashion’s great romanticist produced be waiting to see the store collections. a Guillermo del Toro film. The world an incredible collection of dark fairy- of fashion is changing, and with the tale princesses and sweeping colonial encroachment of embarrassing ce- grandeur in a dark bloom of blacks

(Left to right) Junya Watanabe; Alexander McQueen; Lanvin 34 felix Friday 7 March 2008

Games Games Editors – Azfarul Islam and Sebastian Nordgren [email protected] This Week

Azfarul “Az” Islam Pixels: Baldur’s Gate TableTops: Citadels SteelSeries Ikari mouse Need a light? Games Editor e Gads! I’ve missed yet an- other issue! Ah, well. This term is drawing to a close now and one won- Pixels: By Baldur’s Gate! Y ders what words of com- fort to offer everyone (and myself) as we enter the lull before the storm. The Jen Strangeways reminisces about a portal of old where even cakes are armed storm of exams of course. Yeah. I said it. Silly things, exams are. I mean, they serve no real purpose beyond annoy- ing the hell outta you, really. Ah, well. If the College must embark on such in- sipid paths, then so be it. Either way, this means that Felix Games won’t be as prevalent next term, sorry to say. On the other hand, I do urge you to look forward to is- sues focusing on the breadth of gam- ing and the likes of Metal Gear. Hope- fully, those should make it up for those of you who like a dose of regularity to your gaming section. The theme this week is Randoms. It's a somewhat hard word to ensure that the articles in this issue are as unrelat- ed as possible beyond the fact that they have some to do with gaming. This issue marks the debut of Jen, who takes it upon herself to balance my more modern slant with some trips back to memory lane. For her first article, she deals with the revered Baldur’s Gate series (in comparison, I only played the PS2 action-adventure versions, heh). Speaking of which, Alex has me trying to play Planescape: Tor- ment and while I’m not into much into RPGs (particularly D’n’D based ones), the plot, world and characters sound so interesting I have this itching urge to give it a whirl. Until then, I think I’ll satiate my plot desires with some good old Terry Pratchett. Incidentally, there are a bunch of adventure games based id you ever have one of Gate series of games. acter, guiding them through a beauti- acters in your party will converse both on his brilliant Discworld series and those moments when The series consists of the original fully complex, gripping main story arc with you and with each other, form re- those are, yet again, a bunch of titles I you were talking to your Baldur’s Gate, released in 1998, fol- whilst also having the freedom to pur- lationships (which you have the chance really want to play. friends about something lowed by the Tales of the Sword Coast sue other minor paths in and around to screw up royally – realism!), and Alas... there is but little time with D you love, really getting expansion, Baldur’s Gate II: Shadows the main one. On the way, you meet leave your party if they disagree with the exams arriving, but hey, frequent into it, waving your arms around mad- of Amn, and the Throne of Baal expan- various NPCs of whom you can choose the life choices you’re making. The breaks are good during studies, right? ly, raving about that one thing which sion for BGII. up to five of to join your party and con- actual gameplay is comprised mainly Speaking of time, it appears that we you think is just so cool, and then The basic premise is a ‘real time’ RPG trol as you do your own character. of running around completing minor have lost a gaming stalwart in the form wakeingup and realise that they were based on the Dungeons and Dragons The real beauty of this series, and the quests – solving some actually chal- of Gary Gygax. For those of you not in all looking at you with a glazed expres- gaming system, but don’t let that put thing which makes it so timeless, is the lenging puzzles, usually being betrayed the know (I only found about his exist- sion of incomprehension? Just me? Ok, you off if you’re not a tabletop gamer. total customisability of its gameplay. If by the people who asked for your help, ence recently... when I read about his well, that’s how I get about the Baldur’s You create and control your own char- you’re a diehard D&D player you can and generally destroying anything death – the irony), Mr Gygax is known turn on all the options to make it seem which gets in your way. for being one of the co-creators of the a lot more turn-based and true to the Visually, BGII is stunning even now. Dungeons & Dragons gaming saga. May original system. Although going back to BGI can be a he rest in peace. Examples: you can choose to view little irritating after playing with the Speaking of peace, Alex is spewing dice rolls as characters make attacks, far superior graphics and resolution of some righteous flamebait in order to have the game auto-pause after each BGII, this is actually solvable via a neat break it. This week’s peeve: idiotic peo- turn, etc. Alternatively, if you like a little free mod available online which ple in multiplayer games. The kind that more fast-paced, realistic game, you simply shifts all the BGI game content keep asking what they should build and can switch everything off, give all your into the BGII version of the excellent then ask you why. They’re the same characters AI scripts, and watch them Infinity engine. You view the charac- ones who are oblivious to the amassing do your unholy bidding… I mean, take ters from above, which is nice if you enemy hordes in front of their base and care of things themselves. feel like playing God, and the controls are usually more of a handicap than From a roleplaying perspective, the are similar to many real time strategy anything. Huzzah. interactions your character has with games. The required specs are laugh- Viral Shah offers his advice with his other characters in the game are con- able, BG will run on your PC (Mac ver- review of the SteelSeries Ikari gaming trolled by you picking your character’s sions are also available). It seems com- mice while James Porter, of Wargaming responses from a list. The exact thing plicated at first glance due to the sheer fame, reveals all about the boardgame you want to say may not appear, but amount of control you can exert over Citadels in TableTops. Last, but not you have the opportunity to be as good events, but it’s actually really intuitive. least, Sebb trains Crysis players in the or as evil as you like. Of course, if you And very, very, pretty. I can’t describe Way of the Ways. play evil and run around murdering it. Go buy the game. It’s under a ten- And now, I bid thee farewell till next people, there are consequences... This ner for the whole series on Amazon. time! *ninja smoke vanish jutsu!* Anyone getting a Star Wars vibe from the lower left bit? is taken further in BGII, where char- There’s no excuse. Friday 7 March 2008 felix 35 [email protected] Games TableTops: Citadels Byte James Porter embarks on a royal quest to quell thievery, as an assassin Zack and Wiki Flash

to build. The fifth colour, purple, is a They may also activate their unique (you can tell I’m talking from experi- collection of miscellaneous buildings ability; for the assassin this is declaring ence here). with various special powers. For ex- a character to assassinate. However, the The other characters take their turns ample, the University costs six to build, assassin does not know for sure (they in order, and if no one answers to a but instead of being worth six points, may have a good idea) who each player particular character it is because they it is worth eight. The different colours has taken, and who is not being played weren’t chosen and play passes to the (except purple) also link to the charac- this round. So it is a bit of a guess. next character. In the next round the ters; the merchant will collect income Then the king calls for the thief. The new king (whoever took the king card (one gold) from each trading (green) thief takes his turn and also selects a last time) chooses a new character and building, whilst the warlord funds his character (that cannot be the assassin play continues as before. The rounds campaigns from red districts. or the assassin’s target) to steal from. continue until a player or players com- http://ms2.nintendo-europe. Citadels is a light-hearted and, at When the character’s turn arrives, plete eight districts, when the gold cost com/zackwiki/enGB/index. about an hour's playing time, has a they lose all their gold! The thief takes of all your districts is counted up html reasonable playing length. It is (adding any bonuses you may also flexible, as three to seven have accumulated) and the Now, this is a conundrum but players can play. The number winner is the player with a good one. One of the Wii’s of players has a considerable the highest total (not nec- premier puzzle games gets effect on the gameplay. Games essarily the most districts). the demo treatment in le Flash often end up quite close, since This is a tactical game form. if someone gets ahead then where being able to second While Tomo vouches that the their opponents can gang up guess what other people actual game is quality (albeit itadels is a card game to try and hinder them. This are doing will give you getting a tad frustrating), all I set in medieval Europe. is often done by taking the the edge. You never want have is the demo to go by. And Bustling market towns, assassin character and at- to hold too much gold or y’know what? If this snippet is royal seats of power and tempting to make the front- too many cards, as people any indication then we have C fortresses are springing runner miss his or her go. will target you ruthlessly quite an enticing puzzler in our up. Every round players select a new Each round the player with (seriously, though, this hands. It may be a single lev- character (bishop, assassin etc.) to play the king token takes the is quite a jolly game!). el but it’s a pretty interesting in that round. Characters do things character cards and shuf- Additionally, it is good teaser. Like adventure games like collect extra gold (especially the fles them. He or she then to diversify your city. of yore, point-and-click is the merchant) or make you the king. Then places one face down in the Having many districts way to go although the selecta- each player will take a turn – gather- middle of the table, so that of one colour will make ble items are clearly marked ing resources (gold and district cards), a character is not available the corresponding char- meaning that you spent more building parts of their city (e.g. a tavern that round. Additionally, acter very valuable to time pondering and less time or a castle) and activating their unique only the king knows who it you for collecting gold, groping for random pixels. power. Points are scored according to is. He or she then selects although it will become Regardless of how quickly the number of pieces of gold it costs a character (keeping it se- easy for the others to you solve it, it’s a tantalising to build the districts in your city, and cret) and passes the other guess who you are. distraction at the very least. the game ends when someone has built cards to his or her left. Choosing expensive their eighth district. This is repeated until the buildings is risky be- Azfarul Islam In Citadels each player is compet- last player has a choice of cause you will have to ing to build up his or her town. This two characters, placing save up (cue the thief), is done by spending gold to build dis- the last one face down but cheap buildings tricts, which are taken from your hand in the middle of the ta- are easily destroyed by Tower of Goo of cards and placed face up on the table. ble. In this fashion no- the warlord. It’s your When a player has built eight districts one knows exactly who choice; it’s a gamble! the round is completed and the person any of the other players If you would like to with the highest combined value of all are. Then the king asks play Citadels or other their districts wins. Additionally, you the assassin to reveal board games and card get a bonus if you have eight districts himself. The player who games, there is a regu- and if you have at least one district of took the assassin proceeds lar session on Monday each colour. There are five colours rep- to take his or her go. This involves col- any gold they were storing up to build evenings run by the Wargames society. resenting different types of building. lecting two gold or drawing district with this turn. That character still gets Don’t worry if you aren’t familiar with Blue is religious, yellow is royal, red is cards and then getting the opportunity to take their turn (unlike the assassin’s a game – we routinely explain games. military, green is trade. For example, a to lay a single district card in their city, unfortunate victim) including getting Email [email protected] for monastery is blue and costs three gold paying the appropriate amount of gold. more gold, but it can be infuriating more information. http://www.experimen- talgameplay.com/game. php?g=17

Sometimes while researching this column we come across a game concept that seems so obvious that we wonder why we haven’t seen it before. Tower of Goo, then, is one of these concepts. Part of the Experimental Gaming Project, which pushed five MIT post- graduates to create 30 games in 30 weeks, it’s one of the greatest experiments we can think of. Back to the game, in which you build a tower using goo blobs as girders: creat- ing the sticky equivalent of the Leaning Tower of Eiffel. It’s so simple that it works throughout – the art is cute and cartoony, but never distracting; the mu- sic is upbeat, but not annoy- ing; and the physics engine that the game is built upon is solid. And all made in a week. We recommend getting the unlimited version, as it ups the difficulty enough to keep you coming back.

Sebastian Nordgren 36 felix Friday 7 March 2008

Games [email protected] The SteelSeries Ikari: razor sharp? Viral Shah unsheaths the coveted SteelSeries Ikari and wields it in the name of the PC Alliance

thought was perfectly adequate. quick-paced, high sensitivity, run, I really like this mouse. However, if • Turn off ‘mouse smooth’; per- It was only a few weeks ago jump, shoot, repeat gaming along with you need it spelling out for you, this is haps preferential (Steel Series have when I finally took the the occasional slower sniping. the best gaming mouse I've ever used! it as an option in their software), but plunge and purchased a The Ikari's design immediately stands There is no comparison with any non- I feel it dumbs down your mouse's Steel Series Ikari optical out from the instant you first wield the gaming mouse and beats the Razors high sensitivity by rounding off your mouse to see whether device. The first thing that struck me that my friends own hands down in movements. it made any differ- is that this mouse is huge; its definitely terms ergonomics and ease of use. So if ence to my gam- not for people with small hands. Once you are one those people gaming with ing aptitude. I got used to the size, however, I found that old default mouse or just someone You may be it very comfortable and a pleasure to who feels like an upgrade I cannot rec- Another Take wondering "why use. Steel Series called in a number ommend this highly enough. not go for a la- of professional gaming teams, includ- How to get the most out of your “Well, I might add that – com- ser mouse ing SK gaming, to co-design the de- gaming mouse: pared to my old Logitech – I instead of vice and subsequently the mouse has wasn’t blown away by the high an opti- a very finely tuned design. It doesn't • If you normally use a regular mouse CPI (I play with low sensitivity). cal?". Steel have many of the superfluous features with inferior CPI, you'll probably no- Light, smooth-glide and the Series actu- of other gaming mice such as weights tice how zippy your gaming mouse comfort key are appreciable ally recom- or glowing scroll wheels like you get might appear – this is not the idea, re- however.” mends the on Razors, so you're left with just an adjust the sensitivity lower so that it optical version excellent mouse. By far the mouse's feels comfortable again. You want to Derek Chow ice, of the Ikari, rather best feature has to be the DPI switch- be using the extra counts per they're probably than the laser, for FPS gam- ing button: storing, in the mouse itself, inch for one of the most over- ing as it can cope with extremely fast two different sensitivities that can be accura- looked aspects of a mouse movement slightly better. They preset! The user can switch between cy, not M computer. The aver- recommend the laser for MMO/RTS high and low sensitivity with just a sin- decreasng age user will perhaps understand the gamers who use the mouse with a high gle click of a button (albeit with a 3 sec- the number need for more GHz or a larger hard- sensitivity setting but still require a ond delay); enabling him/her to use it of inches you drive but it will never occur to them to high degree of accuracy. In actual fact, for different applications. Try using a have to move. question the rodent which falls out of the overwhelming reason for getting Razor's high sensitivity for photoshop the computer box. Now for the most a laser mouse, and indeed the main and you'll be battling to keep the cur- • Turn off part your standard mouse is sufficient reason why they were invented, is be- sor tame. ‘mouse acceler- to meet the demands of the majority cause they are much better at tracking Gaming with this mouse was a lot ation’ for games; of people so this isn't such a problem. on shiny surfaces that normal optical of fun; the glide is smooth as silk and with this kind of But if you are a gamer (and if you are mice can't cope with. Suffice to say, if the accurate CPI (counts per inch) setting on, faster reading this I assume you are) things you use a proper mouse mat, either a for those “Headshots” had my friends movement increases are very different. A decent mouse can laser or standard optical mouse will cursing me within minutes of start- with distance moved mean the difference between life and serve you fine. ing a TF2 game. They say the gear and this will undermine death, or so I've been repeatedly told. To test the Ikari I got stuck into some doesn't make the gamer but this mouse the accuracy of your You see until recently I was that aver- Team Fortress 2 . This has been a game sure does help if you use it right (see mouse as well as degener- age user, fragging away with my good of choice for me recently so I thought it below). ating your reaction/physi- old Microsoft Intellimouse, which I would be the perfect game to test some By this point, you're probably aware cal speed). Embark on the Path of the Crysis Sebastian Nordgren completes his training and returns with words of wisdom and warning

liked Crysis, but I never thought slow! Ninjas are stealthy assassins, and ter. To follow The Way of Jean Claude The Way of Sam Fisher your only friend. Tommy doesn't care if the aliens (yes, there are aliens, so must you be to follow The Way of Van Damme, you too must kill without you kill, maim or dismember your en- if that was a spoiler you really the Ninja. Except minus the assassin remorse, engaging each enemy in bru- emies, but insists on coming with you need to get up to date) were part, because you're not supposed to tal melee. Try tossing still-flailing op- wherever you go. Unfortunately for I too swanky and I didn't like kill anyone. You're also not supposed ponents at groups of enemies – instant you (and Tommy), Tommy can't walk that there were no ways around them to be spotted by anyone (because if satisfaction guaranteed! Now get out very quickly, so it falls to you to carry other than by destroying them. I did, you were, that wouldn't be very ninja, there and kick some ass. him with you wherever you go. And however, love the first half or so of the would it?). Use your nanosuit stealth to should Tommy die from a stray bullet, game, when your only enemies are Ko- your advantage and duck from cover The Way of the Anaesthesiologist you should terminate the guilty with reans who, uncharacteristically for en- to cover, always in the shadows, always extreme prejudice, then take his lifeless emy AI, can't see you through bushes, mere feet away from your unsuspect- corpse with you as a testament to the trees, rocks or mountains. This led me ing enemies. Enemies whom you shall bravery of the only creature who ever to experiment with a variety of differ- leave alone, not out of mercy, no, but truly understood you. Bury him on a ent ways of playing this section, par- because your Way is one of enlighten- mountain overlooking the island that ticularily on the first level. Here are ment and patience. Venture forth and Sam Fisher is a stealthy assassin of he knew as home – a place now fraught some challenges for those who thought be like the shadows! Splinter Cell fame, but unlike the ninja with your anguish for failing Tommy. the vanilla Crysis experience wasn't whose powers of stealth extend into Throw yourself off that same moun- enough. The Way of Jean-Claude van the supernatural, Sam is a mere mortal tain, for life can never be the same. Damme who still wishes to remain undetected. Now, go out into the world of Cry- The Way of the Ninja To this end, he only ever dispatches sis and experiment – perhaps you too enemies using his trusty silenced side- shall discover another Way, in which Aww, look at him sleep... noob arm, and so must you too to follow The case we'd be very happy to hear about. Way of Sam Fisher. Acquire two such Perhaps the Way of the Bunny beck- Maybe you haven't noticed that Crysis pistols, creep from the shadows and ons? Or the Way of the Snake? But I has a tactical attachment that fires stun deliver a classic 2-1 tap: 2 in the chest, will not slow down your progress into darts. Well, it does, and it is the only 1 in the head. Now you too can get the self-discovery inherent in the Ways weapon of choice for the anaesthesi- double-crossed by the US government by telling you too much too soon. Ven- ologist (I should have chosen a shorter and thrown in an African prison, left ture out and find for thyself. name for this one...). to plot your revenge on your former Dispatch your enemies, but only for masters! periods of a minute at a time, when Van Damme, being the greatest action they will awake groggily to find you The Way of Tommy the Turtle He’s so good, we can’t see him hero ever (ever), takes no prisoners. have already passed. Carrying both He also has no use for firearms of any the SCAR and the AK is highly recom- After jumping out of your plane, you You may think that ninjas don't ex- sort, dispatching his enemies by swiftly mended, allowing you to shoot opiates land in the water just off a small beach. ist anymore. You are mistaken. For breaking their limbs – if that limb hap- faster than Heath Ledger (was that too On this beach is a turtle, Tommy. He proof, look behind you. Whoops, too pens to be their neck, so much the bet- soon?). is your new best friend, in fact, he is Friday 7 March 2008 felix 37 [email protected] Games Flamebait: Team torture tactics Alex Stubley won’t tell you if your base is encircled and you’re about to die; you’ll know soon enough

'm sure many people enjoy hav- ing a large team game whenever there's an abundance of people free, whether its 10 AM and I your maths lecture group is meeting up in the computer rooms for a quick game of DotA or it's a Satur- day afternoon and people gear up for a long game of SupCom: FA. Team games are naturally far more complicated than their 1v1 counter- parts, while retaining the variability of a large FFA with the added bonus of a few people to cover your back. That final statement is the ultimate double- edged sword though; you usually have to rely on other people to survive and achieve ultimate victory. Now I know some people aren't great at games, they might lack the necessary hand-eye co- ordination, or they might simply not be able to memorise various important ation and gauging the consequences know what works well for them. in games. More shy gamers should be who are just bad in general. And you statistics for optimum play, but team themselves. Sometimes they will take Why can't some gamers take on the heroic, arriving unannounced with all know what? If I had to choose between games are the best place to nurture it upon themselves to ask “can your 6 initiative for themselves and actu- guns blazing for the final push of glory, newbies who are proactive and will the newbies and forge them into the workers take on that army of doom?”, ally act on their own opinion at times? emptying their bases to aid their allies' always try to be a thorn in their op- deadly little machines you desire, bless or simply asking “what are you doing Each member of a team increases the last stand without being asked to or ponents side and bowl them over with them. No, the people I hate to have on and what should I do?”. Others might overall workload of thinking and vigi- even simply trying to put out fires and pure zeal and the n00bs who for all of my team are the ones who know noth- start ordering players around like they lance, and as such each member has to functioning as a standalone by taking their reasonable skills look to others ing about teamplay, somehow believ- think they know what everyone is best contribute their own share to the team. opportunities against your opponents for everything except the most basic ing that somebody else knows every at and exactly what works in a given A decent player can babysit their own and using your allies as random forces functions, I would choose the team strength and weakness of their playing game. Now, I enjoy micromanagement living “bot”, but unless they are made to react to and take advantage of. As players. style and as such they demand to be in the games I play as it adds that little of crystalline initiative, saturated with far as I'm concerned, if you can't be- So here is a message to those out treated as an angry beast to be lashed bit of extra complexity, but I don't want vigilance and reinforced by the typing come a hero for your team, you might there who look to others for leadership into a fighting state and pointed in the to micromanage my allies like some skills of the almighty keyboard gods as well become an hero. in games: I don't want to micromanage direction of the nearest foe. fancy bot, nor do I want somebody giv- themselves they will simply become a I've known players for years who you, if have to ask something based on They are the people who have to be ing me orders that don't play to my own bottleneck for the team as a whole. are good at games and good in teams, the current state of affairs, instead fig- notified when you need help, or if you strengths or current position. I know There's the common saying in books players who are good at games but bad ure it out yourself. If I have to ask you are planning an attack on the enemy what works for me and unless they are and films “Don't try to be a hero, it will in teams, players who are bad at games to do something urgent you have al- base rather than looking at the situ- new to the game in question, my allies only get you killed”, but I beg to differ but good in teams, and finally players ready failed the first step on the road to teamwork, and if you respond to said request by asking questions like “What with? Where? Why?” then you clearly have to go back to 1v1s until you can keep tabs on everything that's going on as the multiplayer battlefield is clearly too complicated. I am not your master, I am your ally, an equal to be helped and who helps in return, nothing more, nothing less. If people can't keep up with the cur- rent state of affairs, then at least spare a thought for those who are actually working to support their teams while banging their heads at your lack of desire to actually play the game. And those who don't pull the weight that their actual skills would suggest know who you are, and I WILL be facepalm- ing in your direction.

Metal Gear Solid 4 emergence “Pwnage” copyrighted?

After a period of torturous waiting and a rather befuddling trailer People do stupid things: fact. Heck, it’s not so much fact as be- EWS during the Tokyo Game Show last year, Metal Gear Solid 4 finally ing the largest genetic/memetic defect we can possess. But emerges from a media blackout. Fortunately (or unfortunately, de- hey, we’re cool with it, right? N pending on what you were expecting), plot details have been kept Internet slang probably won’t count as one of the most intel- classified. What was revealed, however, was a solid, honest-to- ligent of human inventions but it’s silly enough to warrant some goodness release. The 12th of June, 2008 is the glorious day when juvenile-fueled usage once in a while. MGS fans will revel. However, it’s not just those in Japan who will Finnish-based Futuremark Games Studio think not. No, they be celebrating since this is the first time Konami has committed think it’s a serious concept and have ended up filing a trademark itself to a simultaneous worldwide release (and that means the UK for the word “Pwnage”. Yeah. It’s rather mind-numbing to think as well!). Finally, no more leaks, no more secrets and certainly no about the lengths people go to “protect interests”. According to place to hide. Summer can’t come quickly enough! the Executive Producer, Jukka Mäkinen: “...we want to protect ourselves from squatters (or what I call campers) – people looking to trademark the name on false pre- tenses, just to make a claim against Futuremark Games Studio for its use.” Err... wait... so you filed a trade- mark under your name... so other people wouldn’t use it ille- besides Surelythe gameplay? you jest! gally and make a claim against something... that you don’t re- ally own. There are other reasonsJoinwe us toother explorenext playgaming! time sidegames the ofas I see. “Pwnage” indeed. 38 felix Friday 7 March 2008

Media Produced by the members of mosaic union.ic.ac.uk/mosaic David vs Goliath. Green vs Red/Blue stoic tv recently caught up with Green Party London Mayor Candidate, Siân Berry, to find out about her policies, how she would look after London’s students and whether she has a realistic chance of winning

James Lewis decisions and has the power to change the rest of the country, but it can still the annual budget). They have already be improved. She successfully cam- In just under two months’ time many helped to triple the cycling budget, paigned for the introduction of the Imperial students will be able to vote in make walking around London easier emissions-related congestion charge, the mayoral elections. There are some and encouraged the selling of more lo- which needs to be tightened further to big names in the running including the cal food. The greens are certainly not cover more vehicles. She was critical incumbent mayor Ken Livingstone, the new to London politics and have prov- of Brian Paddick, who has suggested one and only Boris Johnson and Brian en that they are a viable option. increasing the size of the congestion Paddick, a former senior police of- If elected, Siân Berry would bring charge zone to cover Greater London. ficer. In addition, there are many well in cheaper public transport so that it Instead a more sophisticated method respected and noteworthy candidates could compete effectively with cars. of road charging should be brought in. from outside the three main political The money to support cheaper fares One of the big issues for students parties. Siân Berry is standing for the would come from the effect of more in London is affordable housing; as Green party and she recently visited people using the system and the scrap- mayor she would aim to increase the the stoic tv studio to tell us about her ping of unnecessary projects such as number of houses for rent and keep plans for London. the Thames Gateway Road Bridge. The house prices low. There are thousands The Green party currently has two congestion charge would remain as it of empty houses in London and many seats on the London Assembly (the appears to have been a success; traffic second homes which national policy body which scrutinises the mayor’s growth has stopped in contrast with should be tackling with higher taxes. There are also many brown field sites available; however the majority are currently used for commercial purpos- es. As mayor she would stop this trend and build more affordable homes and renovate empty properties. One of the main priorities with existing housing would be to install good insulation in all homes to make them more energy efficient which would help to reduce Siân Berry taking questions in the stoic tv studio our energy deficit; a problem the gov- ernment hopes to solve with nuclear power. A power source which gener- candidate beating Boris is not unrealis- be more money for youth services with ates hazardous waste for which there tic; in 2006 he was beaten by a member money given in longer term grants so is no method of long term disposal; of the green party in the election for they can get on with their jobs and help clearly a safer option is needed. rector of Edinburgh University. young people stay out of trouble. She’s sceptical that many people will It is her belief that crime involving The greens are a serious, well organ- vote for Boris. He has many danger- young people is not going to be solved ised party and to underestimate them ous opinions, for example he has said by gimmicks such as mosquito alarms. in this election would be a mistake. that the political correctness should be If the greens win then better commu- Make sure that when you vote in May taken out of policing. If the conserva- nity policing will be introduced. In a you make an informed decision and tives were to win it would hand them six month trial in Fulham units were elect the best person for the job. a monopoly over the London assembly given more money so they could work Find out more about Siân Berry and her policies by visiting her giving them complete control of the around the clock. This resulted in a To watch the full interview with website: www.sianformayor.org.uk London budget. The idea of a green halving of burglaries. There should also go to: stoictv.com IC Radio recommends... Riot Noise, live

Lia Han girl DJing) but those who remained, son (he looks pretty regal). I'm a child IC Radio indeed, witnessed ROCK in the mak- of the 90's and will always be true to ing. Not only did this band manage to that. My teenage years were dominat- Cast your mind back. If you were convince two ladies (who must have ed by Nu Metal; Slipknot, Linkin Park around during Freshers' Week, you been freshers straight out of an all girls' (shudder) and Marliyn Manson. I am may have stumbled into dB's for Kids school) to let all five members stay in not ashamed to say this, no matter how Will Be Skeletons and All Hands On their halls (sadly the band decided the much I've grown out of it! However, I'm Deck's gig night, where Riot Noise cramped man-gasm ride home at 3am also a peripheral child of the '80's and headlined. Many of you will have was a better offer), but the gloriously I'm very glad that my generation is one consumed a ridiculous amount of al- long-haired frontman, Marty, recently of the last to fully appreciate the ori- cohol by this point (as well as having used Level 10 gift-of-the-gab to get gins of rock music today; Beastie Boys, had your ears raped by that Geldof backstage at a Guns'n'Roses gig and AC/DC, Queen, KISS, Sex Pistols; they then party with the Rose. all put in their own contributions. Un- Back in their hometown of Bris- fortunately I never saw these bands tol, Riot Noise are slowly becoming a in their heyday; reunion gigs are one much – talked about band in their own thing, but it's the drugged-up, puking right. They formed from the remaining on stage, Nikki Sixx that I really, really members of Red Top Matches less than want to see. Some bands have recreat- a year ago but they are already begin- ed this essence (although without the Riot Noise performing in dB’s way back when during Freshers’ Week ning a 3-week tour of the States next drugs and body mess) extremely well; week. This band, I must admit, have QOTSA and even, to some extent, The taken a lot of flak. Although my boy- Darkness and Mika. Riot Noise excel a tour in America with Tattooed Mil- '80's. I can appreciate the sound, style friend thought they're great, I remained where these bands can't producing lionaires (as well as supporting Electric and flair but it's simply not built for my highly unconvinced. Considering my no frills, straight-up hard rock that is Six) – it's a joyous sight to see the band taste. As a live band, Riot Noise belong boo's top bands spanned Motley Crue, reminiscent of Sunset Strip in '84. With still letting loose on stage. on a stadium – in front of large crowds Faith No More, Husker Du and a hint songs like 'Fight the People' (quite Rage There is one BUT. A big, red – raw where girls lift their tops – and on TV of Weezer; what the hell was I letting Against the Machine-y) and 'San Fran- red – BUT. And that is this; I wouldn't where they horrendously insult and my ears (and possibly eyes if it's circa sisco' with guitar solos from the great- really buy a Riot Noise CD. I probably do a Britney on air. They will achieve drag-queen Motley Crue era) in for? est guitarist I've seen in my 19 years wouldn't play Riot Noise on my Ipod. many, many, things and it will be their It was a spiritual awakening of the on Earth, it's hard to fault Riot Noise And that's my personal taste but I think performances that will get them no- musical kind. Spiritual, if we replace technically. Each song is crafted with it's one which is generic of people who ticed. If this was a review of their sin- Jesus with a fallen Axl Rose and God style and their work ethic is undoubt- are my age, who weren't around when gle, I'd give them 3 out of 5, but as a live What a charming individual with Gene Simmons, or Bruce Dickin- edly notable; two practices a week and the renaissance of rock happened in the review, it's got to be full marks. Friday 7 March 2008 felix 39 Easter: death, cocoa and lard Next week Every Nation Christian society is holding its CSI Jerusalem event. Tosin Ajayi discusses the event along with the meaning of Easter and how its significance has been lost to ovoid confectionary

The Great Easter Egg Giveaway: do know that some dude existed back in the day, was nailed to a cross and a Tesco : £3 for 3 holiday was set up to commemorate Asda: £1 an egg this. How chocolate got involved we Sainsbury’s : Half price don’t know. Morissions: 99p The dude (here on in referred to as Poundland: 4 for £3 Jesus) still generates controversy, es- pecially about who he was, and what And hurray! Mini eggs are back (if happened on that cross. Some say he they ever went away). So the big Easter died but somehow just got better, hung chocolate gorge starts. The super- around for a bit then went to heaven. markets are falling over themselves Some say he never died, but minced to chuck cheap chocolate down our off to some other country, had kids and throats. And all this because some Jew- ended up in a rocking chair. ish dude died 2000 years (ish) ago, so Others say he was on the cross, but the name Easter would seem to imply. he didn’t die, passed out, and escaped Huh? from his tomb when he regained What just happened, did I miss consciousness. something? So some dude dies and Considering that we’re talking 2000 once a year we all celebrate the fact years old, this is one heck of a cold case that he’s dead by the consumption of to reopen. But what do you know, some vast quantities of cocoa and lard? It people are gonna try. does make you think: What the hell is CSI Jerusalem is an attempt by a Easter about? medical doctor to figure out what hap- All evidence points to it being a good pened. Would a human body be able to excuse for a holiday especially to break withstand the kind of abuse portrayed up the school year. And for research- by Mister Gibson in his film The Pas- Mmm... Mini eggs. Hold on, haven’t we lost the plot along with the meaning of Easter too? ers, a good half-hour away from the of- sion of The Christ? Physiologically, fice for a knees up. what would actually happen to a per- Is it the only time of year when you son that experienced such abuse? And in power and bit off more than he could with Jesus, did he crack open the first consolidated. can legitimately express your love for do the most well known historical ac- chew, but many in power supported Easter eggs? Are we even sure he died oversized bunny rabbits? counts of events tally with medical him prior to him being arrested. Still sometime in the spring of 33 AD? The “CSI Jerusalem: A Medical Analy- Or, was Mel Gibson right in his de- findings? others say he, being directed by God, search for answers carries on, and sis of the crucifixion” is being tailed graphical representation of one So what of Jesus then, why did he go chose to die in this manner for the pur- maybe CSI Jerusalem can shed some held by Every Nation Christian man’s unrelenting 12-hour torture, through this? Some say he was inciting pose of bringing us closer to God. light on all this. Someday, someone will Society on Thursday 13th March complete with never ending whippage. rebellion, but his whole life was about So, about the only thing we can say market a chocolate Jesus, and finally all at 6.30pm in Huxley Lecture Thea- Whatever is closest to the truth, we love not hate. Others say he riled those with any certainty is Easter started the different ideas about Easter will be tre 308. 40 felix Friday 7 March 2008

Fun & Games [email protected] Needy McNeedy: dishing it out since lunchtime She’s been helping since before Pluto was downgraded to just being a rock: [email protected]

here comes a time in the To enhance the joy of stalking, I suggest port, what with Imperial being full of Dear Fed-up Disgruntled Not Getting life of every person when making baked goods (cupcakes are my skinny bitches; his needs clearly aren’t McAny they find their calling. I particular forte) in the likeness of your being catered for. haven’t found mine yet, subject. I find unrequited interest to be I hope to God you didn’t touch the What on Earth can you mean, far from T but I think I’ll sort you a wonderful artistic muse. Write songs plastic fanny, and instead took pictures appropriate? This couple is providing poor fools out first and ignore my own about your neighbours, and when you of it with your mobile phone as possi- a service to Imperial. They are prob- issues for a while. Email agony.felix@ walk past them in the street, hum them ble future blackmail material. ably hired and planted in your lecture imperial.ac.uk, because otherwise I’ll under your breath. Teehee! theatre to demonstrate the good old have to start publishing the contents Needy xxx act of procreation to the vast number of the IT security digest emails, which Needy xxx of students at Imperial who, like your- aren’t even funny adverts for Viagra, Dear Needy Mc Needy (a.k.a. Slutty self, aren’t getting “McAny.” Given that they’re just crap stockbroker tips. Dear Needy Mc Needy McSlut) you’re the entrepreneurial type who takes management lectures, I would The other day, I was alone in my room During one of my Management lec- suggest investing in a good quality in halls and I needed to borrow a cal- tures, there is a couple who show an video camera, tape the actual penetra- Dear Needy Mc Needy culator, so I looked in my roommate’s increasing fondness for PDAs (Public tion and sell it to SciFiSoc, who I’ve desk. Under the formula sheet and past Displays of Affection). This has gradu- heard have a secret corner for that I’m having a mid-degree crisis. My flat exam papers, there was a stash a DVD ally intensified from a gentle caress of kind of thing. Make sure there are vis- mates are out every day and I’ve taken called “Fat Girls 5” and a pink plastic the hand on thigh scenario in the first ible nipples, as that’ll bump the price to stalking the people who live across replica of a woman’s, you know, bits. My week, to kissing of shoulders and full on up somewhat. the road from me. There’s a man and a roommate and I lead completely sepa- snogging in the latter weeks, and I fear Now, about the JCR Sandwich Shop woman, and I like to imagine that they rate lives and don’t really speak. Should this may turn into full on penetration Lady. I’m assuming it’s the cute red- are in love. I make up little stories in my I confront him about what I saw? by the final week of term. Surely this head, in which case I can’t actually head about them. I can’t stop doing this type of behaviour is far from appropri- help you, but I do have (by chance) the and the lack of concentration is mak- FannyHowzer ate; please advise me on the best course number of one of the men, if you’re ing me fail my degree. How can I stop of action. interested in that kind of thing. He watching my neighbours? Dear FannyHowzer, thought my urgent glance in his di- Fed-up Disgruntled Not Getting rection was a “lets fuck” glance, when IHaveGingerPubes Definitely. Fat Girls 5 is the worst in the McAny it actually meant, “don’t forget that series of Fat Girls DVDs; you must at you’ve taken my money and have not Dear IHaveGingerPubes least mention the incident so that you P.S. I am also deeply in love with one of yet handed me my food.” I no longer can tell him FG5 pales in comparison the JCR Sandwich Shop Ladies but one use the burger bar. You are not stalking, you are people with FG2 (my personal favourite). The problem at a time. watching, definitely my favourite sport. poor guy probably needs some sup- Needy xxx H to the o, r, o, sizzle copes – it’s the Horoscopes

Aquarius Taurus Leo Scorpio

ROFLZOR-REXI- This week I’ve This week you have This week you lose CALS. I just heard somehow developed a flier fight in the your marbles. You the funniest joke, an acute computer office. The bitter, could have sworn only I can’t remem- keyboard phobia. gruelling ordeal lasts you packed them ber what it was... I’m writing this for four whole days. away in the cup- D’oh. Don’t you horoscope by prod- Paper blades soared board, safe from just hate it when that happens... you’re set for ding the keyboard with two 6 foot long bam- through the air, Black Sheep hologram fliers your little sister Tilly. Hold on, or was it last some rib tickling and then some arsehole lets boo canes. It’s extremely un productive and it’s shatter all over the place and your business week? WERE THEY EVEN MARBLES? Per- you down right at the last moment. Come to making my arms and eyes hurt more than that cards get lodged into the Raconteurs poster. haps it was my Pogs that I put in the cupboard? think of it... there’s some kind of horrific irony time I saw that German porn movie starring Tell no one. Casualties of war were inevitable Oh GOD. GIVE ME TWO NORMALS FOR in this ‘scope really isn’t there? I’m going to your sister. Dogs shouldn’t be made to do such but we will remember the eighty-eight victims MY SHINY. THERE’S A CAR COMING! burn your family alive with a soldering iron. things. Don’t ask how that video hurt my arms. lost in the Felix Wars Fall 2008. WATCH OU...

Pisces Gemini Virgo Sagittarius

The Pisces symbol is This week your The nurse knocks This week a manta actually one of those become fascinated on the door. “One ray barbs you in the optical illusions, by papier-mâché. moment,” your chest. This week The two ‘curved’ You hoard copies of breath is heavy, “this a man shoots you lines are in fact The Sun, The News sperm receptacle with a sniper rifle parallel and straight. Of The World, The is far smaller than whilst your sitting in Don’t believe me? Get a ruler out and try it for Times but definitely not the Evening Stand- I was expecting. Give me a sec.” There’s spaff the back seat of a cadillac. This week your car yourself. You calling me a liar? I’ll do you in. ard, oh no. Your girlfriend comes home one all over the shop. DILEMMA! Do you A: Grab crashes in a tunnel in Paris. This week you get Get the hell off my H to the o,r,o, sizzle copes evening to find you dressed as a paper mani- an old sock and wipe it all up, B: Blame the alcohol poisoning. This week your aeroplane Horoscopes page this instant or I’ll shank you. fesation of Tony Blair. Out comes the Shocker: Albino kid sitting in the corner or C: break the crashes in Munich. This week an aeroplane Prison rules. If I see anyone with a ruler out in “Two in the snapper, one in the crapper. Brace door down, punch the nurse in the baps and crashes into your office desk on the 64th floor. lectures, so help me God I will end them. yourself love.” run away screaming incoherently? Bad luck.

Aries Cancer Libra Capricorn

Is it me, or does this Shank Rules 101: Whilst writing the This week..... oh my symbol look a little 1) Always conceal final horoscope, I’ve god he’s turned his bit like a clunge? OH your shank beneath coughed up a bit of back... for the love YEAH, I SAID IT! If at least four layers bile. It tastes prett... of God... please, this turns you on of clothing. Two as oh hold on... help I’m trapped more than the page a disguise, two for ... down here in the 3 photos, then you’ve got problems. I’d hit your body’s own safety. 2) Aim for the kidneys Ok, that wasn’t pleasant. My keyboard is Felix basement and the editor makes me that baby. Yeah I’m talking about that baby I’m from behind your victim. 3) Twist the shank covered in vomit and my right eye ball has lick his nipples, call him “The Sergeant” and going to beat up later, it’s how I get my kicks – upon insertion, that way the bleeding never popped out and the mouse has run off with it. beats me if I don’t write upon request. HE’S what the hell is your problem arsehole? Time ceases. 4) Immediately drop the shank after ... COMING... RESCUE ME!!! I KNOW THE to get gacked up rock’n’roll style. pain is inflicted for an effective blood splatter. Sigh, moan. SECRET OF ANGRY GE... Friday 7 March 2008 felix 41 [email protected] Fun & Games

Slitherlink 1,399 1,398 solution lines between the dots to create one common place to start on a Slith- long, and most importantly, looping erlink grid is by drawing crosses 3 3 line. It should have no start or finish; around any zeros. Drawing crosses just like an elastic band. is purely done to so that you know 33 3 3 Each number indicates how many where there can’t possibly be a line. 3 222 1323 lines should be drawn around it, for So, take the pattern below as an ex- 2232 1 222 example: ample. Begin by drawing crosses, 33 2 3 3 12 then by filling in some lines: 1 2 1 2 1 2 2 22 2 1 3 231 1 3 1 2 2 2 x 31 31 3 0 2 Cells which don’t contain a number x 0 x 3 3 1 3 can be surrounded by any number of lines. x 2 213 12 Remember, the line must form a The winner of Slitherlink 1,398 was loop, so the line cannot branch. The Hringur Gretarsson again. Congrat- following situations are not allowed: 2 2 2 2 2 2 ulations-of-ultimate-super-win to Now the lines can only continue in you! Pat yourself on the back and get the following directions: 3 3 2 on with this week’s now. We’ll give a prize out in the summer. The more 2 2 1 3 21entries, the better your chances. How to play: x x 0 x 3 2 2 2 2 2 Crudely speaking, Slitherlink is simi- Squares are not allowed either. There x lar to Minesweeper mixed with a are never cells containing the number 2 3 2 2 2 2 3 dash of Sudoku. 4 in Slitherlink. The object of the game is to draw So, where do you start? The most

Wordoku 1,399 This week’s texts:

“Felix, you are a cat. Do you like O U C fish? I you do you can lick my...” C L T O “Maths is killing me :( !! Help help! X X”

O L D E “Want to look good? Try a photo C U for life at iconicphoto.co.uk” 1,398 Solution Wordoku is identical to Sudoku; “Gilbert Dougherty is a filthy Irish- C O E D we’ve just replaced numbers with man. He spills beer and washes the I R T C P N E S F letters. Once you’ve completed the 07980 148 785 floor with stagnant water. He then T A S N O I E T R C P puzzle, there is a hidden phrase to drinks it. Murk him for it! JT X” C E P S O R N I T find. Email answers to sudoku. . T P O C T P C R S E O N I [email protected] TEXT US! OR “JT is a nasty person. He has got E I R P N O C T S tiny feet and when he walks he tips The winner of Wordoku 1,398 N O S T I C P E R WE WON’T forward slightly because his centre was no one. Was it a bit too hard of mass is all screwy. Murder him P T D U O T N E R S I P C chaps and lasses? The hidden FEED THE CAT! for it! GD X” R S I N C P T O E phrase was: INSPECTOR. Keep C O U P C E O T I S R N those entries coming in.

Adlib by Tevong You www.tevong.co.uk 42 felix Friday 29 February 2008

Fun & Games [email protected] Logic Puzzle: Phobias (Any similarities Using the clues and logical deduction 3. Myrna suffered from Geniophobia to persons living alone, work out how all the people or Hobophobia . Either Myrna or Eve- or dead are purely involved in the match relate to each lyn is the woman who has fear of chins coincidental!) Wears gloves Wears France Avoids Fear of woodenFear objects of Bums Fear of Garlic Fear of Snow Fear French the Avoids Chionphobia Hobophobia Xylophobia Alliumphobia Geniophobia of Chins Fear other. The puzzle can be solved with- (which means avoiding Jimmy Hill Hibernates Hill Jimmy Avoids out guesswork. Make use of the grid to or wearing gloves). The woman who Angelina mark the combinations that you know. wears gloves all the tme to avoid her phobia has not got Geniophobia. Evelyn Read through each clue and make any Lydia obvious or stated deductions. Find the 4. The woman who has a fear of chins corresponding row and column on the has Geniophobia or Hobophobia. Myrna grid and place a tick for ‘Yes’ in the box, Tina and a cross for ‘No’ in the cells next to 5. The woman who avoids France in this one vertically and horizontally. an effort to avoid her phobis either has Hibernates Hobophobia or Alliumphobia which Last week’s solution Five students at Imperial have five dif- is Fear of Wooden Objects or Fear of Avoids Jimmy Hill ferent odd phobias. Can you find out Bums. Wears gloves Name Position which student has which phobia, what Aussie Felix Editor that phobia is and how it started? 6. Tina has either Chionophobia or Avoids the French Muppet DPFS Hobophobia which are either Fear of Tweedle Dee President Avoids France 1. The woman who hibernates is either Chins or Fear of Snow. Lizard DPCS suffering from Chionophobia or Al- Fear of Chins Athena DPEW liumphobia and either has the fear of 7. Lydia either avoids the French or chins or the Fear of Snow. wears gloves to avoid her phobia. She Fear of Wooden Objects How Outed Secret either has Geniophobia or Alliumpho- Fear of Garlic Felix Gay Haircuts 2. Angelina either avoids Jimmy Hill or bia which are either Fear of Bums or Live! Naked Photos wears gloves to avoid her phobia. The Fear of Garlic. Fear of Bums Met Police Bigamist woman who has a fear of bums either Fear of Snow Stoic Frogs and Bears has Hobophobia or Xylophobia. IC Radio Love-Child

The Polygon of Horrific Humungous Higglywiggilies

1,396 solution: mummy would say your doing bril- liantly at this point. Get thinking! DELIVER V 25 – 34 words: Impressive snake! Congratulations if you got ladette! You’re hotter than a Caribbean beach formed from hot coals. EH Other words included: 35 plus words: Like a milkman, you delve, delver, derive, devel, devil, dive, always deliver the goods. diver, drive, drivel, elver, ervil, ever, S evil, eviler, level, levied, levier, lieve, How to play liever, live, lived, liver, livered, reive, revile, reviled, rive, viler, veiled Using the letters given, not more than once, make as many words as possible. I S How to rate yourself: They must be at least four or more let- ters long and each word you come up Under 14 words: Dawg? What you with must include the central letter. doing? Get back in school and learn Capitalised words, conjugated verbs R yaw words. (past tense etc), adverbs ending in “-ly”, comparatives and superlatives are 15 – 24 words: Come on champ. Only disallowed.

Local Rudeboy by Rayvon

The Bottle is back! The Royal School of Mines report on their successful trip down to Camborne

his year saw the 106th rows for all. ner with my head in my lap most of the Bottle Match take place After all the games had been played, evening. down in Cornwall deep in off we went to their union, through Heading back to London on Sunday the land of the inbred and fences, fields, forests and bogs to reach the weekend had taken its toll on most Golf and squash T the illiterate. For those an empty union as CSM were late in bar a few eager freshers who were still of you out there who haven’t heard of arriving, we were all very understand- nursing a can or two of Carlsberg, their the Bottle Match it’s the second old- ing as technology has yet to arrive to livers have yet to deteriorate as most luck out to CSM est varsity match in the country played CSM and it was a cloudy day blocking do after 3 years at university, bless…. between the Royal School of Mines the sun so they had clearly lost track of All that is left to say is a HUGE and the Camborne School of Mines. time. They were there eventually and THANK YOU to everyone who came Jon Downing & After spending 7 hours chilling on Initially focusing on rugby, it then ex- after we ate something which I was along. Supporters, the weekend would Zhi Yang the coach to Newquay, the squash panded over the many years to encom- told was curry it was time for the prize not be the same without you guys team realised that they still had an- pass football, hockey, squash and golf giving ceremony and my £27 pound keeping the spirit and dare I say it… The 2008 RSM Golf Bottle Match was other 45mins taxi to go to Falmouth. and is the highlight of the RSM calen- dirty pint, both of which turned out to banter (ref. Sanders, Mark) alive. Play- truly a memorable experience. The Even though it was already 10 p.m., the dar. Why, you say? Well, it ticks all the be quite unsettling and seemed to go ers, the passion everyone played with golf course was nothing short of spec- token squash team was still up for a bit boxes of an awesome weekend; sport, on forever. The traditional food fight this weekend was immense, it’s clear tacular, with well-maintained fairways of squash banter. Strolling in across the alcohol and more often than not some broke out and then it was time for the how much this means to all connected and views overlooking the coast and squash courts, we were confident, since public displays of nudity… DJ to play some NOW albums from to the RSM, you guys were awesome. ocean. last year we managed to beat them 5-0 Setting off on Friday midday was a the early 90’s. I’m told there was danc- From the start, we knew we faced in London. But as we stepped in it hit mission in itself with the busses show- ing and good time had by all; I could Charlotte Atteck an uphill task as our opponents were us, like the shock of a slap in the face, ing up two hours late. However, this did only witness the event from a dark cor- RSM Sports Officer more familiar with the golf course and we were out of our league. The ringers give most people the chance to get a more acclimatised to the windy condi- in their team were obvious. The team few cheeky morning pints down before tions. Also, the greens were considera- had been at the courts training since we even set off so the mood was not all bly faster and more unpredictable than 7pm. To add to our sporting enjoy- together compromised. It seemed our those we were accustomed to back in ment a large crowd of CSM supports luck was going form bad to worse as a London, handing a further advantage were positioned in stands behind the combination of traffic accidents, bro- to the more experienced opposing glass court. They too had been train- ken toilets and broken wipers delayed team. ing their beer drinking hands. us even further although, as pointed Although these factors were to our As someone famous once said out by most people, it wouldn’t be disadvantage, we managed to stay al- ‘squash is boxing with racquets’; the RSM if things went according to plan most on par with the CSM team with lightweights on their team were pretty (in fact I think most people were sur- our first pair, Oliver and Craig, being quick to beat us down. We scraped a prised we even had a plan..). all square and our second pair, Zhi and few points but the first four games All in all we managed to roll into Nara, being one down after nine holes. were dismissed quickly. I wont go into Newquay for 9.00pm and send the We continued to fight and the first it. The only convincing brawl of the squash players on their way to Fal- match ended up in a tie. However, our evening was our first seed Rob Nagle, mouth in the hopes of bringing the second pair lost eventually three down who managed to keep decent rallies overall score to 1-1 after the golf teams’ with two to play and thus we conceded going. Unfortunately for Rob their first narrow defeat to CSM earlier on in the the title to our opponents. Despite the seed was training to be a squash coach, day. Alas, it wasn’t to be, news returned defeat, our team enjoyed the match fortunately for us he’s not going in to of their unrewarded struggle and it was and we will look to avenge our defeat mining; Camborne – Probably the off to Weatherspoons to drown sor- CSM robot getting taken down... Scum next year! worst school of mines in the world. Men’s hockey Sharpley Cup returns after 7 years

Spencer Lai James put up a massive performance in supporters who came down to Corn- we will not have a great match. Also for organized this great Bottle Match the middle with Sam Philip; Sam used wall with the teams, without your sup- thank you to CSM, hard luck try again weekend. One last word from me: After seven years, we have finally his experiences and made some good port and most importantly the banters next year, and thank you to Charlotte Bloody well done RSM Hockey! brought the Sharpley Cup back home decisions and Ade our goal keeper after the victory against the evil CSM. saved us from losing to the white and It was a cold Saturday morning some- blue shirts (CSM). where in Cornwall, where the RSM However, every big match came Men’s hockey team battled the CSM close. CSM scored after our second after the ladies’ match. After a good goal from a short corner (also with a run around the pitch as our warm- bit of luck) to level with us. But very up, we were up for this big match. shortly our forwards saw the weakness The match began with a right-hand of the CSM defences when they tried side attack from David Holder and the to control the ball in our half. First first ten minutes of the match we were Andy scored again to put us 3:2 ahead constantly attacking in their ‘D’. We then a great pass from Andy to Steve then quickly saw the skills from our Smith into the CSM ‘D’ and a fascis- midfielders, Mikey, David Whittleston, tic partnership from Yung and Steve Andy Bromfield and Nic Jones, from paid off when Yung scored a cracking the creative passes and the dominating goal which is his second of the match. control of the ball. However with a bit This weak point at the CSM defence of luck, CSM managed to score the first was created by the excellent perform- goal from a short corner twenty min- ance from Nic Jones which opened up utes into the game. Shortly they scored lots of space in the CSM half. Nic was against us, we put our bodies in front awarded the Bottle Match Man of the of the CSM goal and may be our black Match with a £20 alcoholic drink at the shirts made them scared where Andy party. Bromfield found a gap in the CSM de- We were fighting until the end be- fence and he never disappointed any- cause CSM never gave us a break and one. Andy’s goal was important and we they scored eight minutes before the used it as the platform to score another end of their deaths to make the score goal by Yung very shortly into the sec- 4:3 to RSM, which is the final score of ond half. Later on after the second goal this year Bottle Match Hockey. The from RSM, CSM put a lot of pressures celebration began after the match onto our defences. with lots of alcohol (and of course we This is the time when we showed to also have the choice of non alcoholic our supporters that RSM has an all- drinks) in RSM style and this celebra- round team. Our defences were amaz- tion continues until the after Bottle ing, Chaz Murdoch made lots of fine Match bar night on Thursday. tackles on the right-hand side; Matt Finally I would like to thank all the The victorious men’s hockey with the Sharpley Cup 13 Rugby 10 4 Men’s Hockey 3 Imperial College 2 Women’s Hockey 4 Exeter University Royal School of 0 Men’s Football 6 Camborne School of Mines 0 Men’s Squash 5 Mines 0 Golf 1 The Return of The Bottle!

Joseph Franklin CSM were becoming predictable ing runs from centres, Nathan Alliston with cross-field kicks from their fly and Adam Foley, and quick rucking There was fire in the bellies of the RSM half, most of which to no benefit with from the back rows, Mark Sanders and during the warm up and by kick off in- RSM running it straight back. One kick, Richard Simons, gave RSM a strong sanity ruled the bodies and minds of however, bounced into touch inside the platform. CSM gave away a penalty the Royal Miners. A poor kick from Royal’s 22. A quick line out from RSM which gave a line-out on the CSM five CSM saw the first scrum of the game saw the catcher isolated from the rest yard line. The ball was collected by on the half way line. Historically, the of the forwards; turn over and CSM CSM however superb ripping of the Good old fashioned rivalry, a CSM shirt being burnt CSM have had dominant forwards, had the ball in a dangerous position. ball from McLellan gave the ball back however, a clean pick up from Flan- Enthusiastic, over-committing to the to RSM. CSM then penalised for play- nan O’Mahony caught Camborne off subsequent rucks gave CSM an over- ing the ball on the floor put the RSM uprights; 13-5. Despite relentless at- each time down the wing. guard. A short pop to Rob Phillipps set lap, quick ball to their number 8 put in striking distance of the posts. A tempts from the home team, the score End to end rugby followed, never- him carving up the defence, followed him in for a try. A missed conversion beautiful kick from James Stewart and remained unchanged at half time. theless the final whistle was looming by a chip and chase. The perfectly and the score sheet read 10-5. Attack- the ball was neatly slotted between the The second half started without and CSM were getting desperate. A placed kick slowed just over the line, O’Mahony, who was receiving atten- big push in the scrum from Orlando Phillipps following all the way to make tion from paramedics for a head injury. Brown, and instinctive hook from the grounding; 5-0 to RSM after 30 This allowed one of last year heroes, Thomas Coggrave saw the CSM pack seconds of play. Understandably CSM Simon Jones, on the pitch to put his turned over for the first time. With a did not take kindly to this and came stamp on the game. The CSM kept the scrum inside the CSM half, the RSM back strong, running their forwards ball under their jumpers, keeping it smashed the ball up the middle with phase after phase into the RSM pack. tight in their forwards. Tough scrum- the demolition ball; Nathan Alliston. Camborne were kept at bay with big maging from the RSM gave the CSM After smashing two of the CSM out tackles (the only type seen in the Bot- scrappy ball, but they held possession, of the way, a delicate touch put him in tle Match) from the second rows, Ben forcing penalty after penalty ten yards a position with only one man to beat. Moorehouse and Stephen MacAttack. from the RSM line. Massive tackles Alliston chooses neither left nor right Keeping discipline, the RSM waited ensued, with the most unlikely of play- and goes for the central option into for the opposition to make mistakes, ers guarding the CSM slow ball. The the CSM fullback. Unfortunately the followed by precision kicks from the ball was held up twice over the line, ball slipped and was not grounded, a RSM fly half to relieve pressure. A but the tough defence failed, and CSM scrum follows and CSM have one fi- slow kick from CSM number 10 was capitalised, scoring a well deserved try; nal attempt, trying to run it from be- charged down by Joe Brown, with their 13-10. There was definitely a feeling of hind their own line. A knock on in fear full back unable to retrieve it, Brown panic through the RSM camp, how- of the RSM hits and the final whistle hacked it through once more, collected ever, pressure was relieved whenever blows; RSM win 13:10; pitch invasion and scored, putting the RSM into the the ball went wide, through the RSM as a consequence and the Bottle is re- lead by 10 points. The RSM rugby team with The Bottle! hands, with Tim Chalk making yards turned to its rightful owner- the RSM. Footballers schooled by CSM Ladies just miss out

Spencer Lai of formation. I cant really remember Stu Walters put in a late tackle that Spencer Lai Miscreants scored 2 goals in a row. the order of events after this up to half their player whinged like a little girl B*atches. This was always going to be a tough time but we conceded another headed about. On the 23rd February 2008, the mighty Not taking any of this rubbish from match as we had players missing and goal owing to their superior aerial abil- At the final whistle we congratulated RSM ladies Hockey team had made it the Camborners we fought back and players on injuries but I still feel we had ity, suffered another injury forcing a Camborne on their win and then had down to the deep wilds of the south- soon after the amazing skills of Miss a chance. Camborne decided though substitution and then Nic English was to make a swift exit to get to the rugby ern, in bred, daffodil growing region Sarah, came out in force. The goal that they weren’t going to play fair and booked. The challenge was most prob- without even having time to shower. As of Cornwall (yes Susie that’s right!! .. was a beauty, pure gold.. the short was play only 2 CSM players, the rest being ably a bookable offence but a Cam- for man of the match, we voted Cam- it’s the county we were in!) any way I taken and crack.. right in the back of ringers. borne player had commited a far more borne’s number 14 who bossed the digress.. the D… they didn’t know what was We arrived to the ground with plenty cynical foul moments earlier and got game from start to finish in the centre, The team woke up at the never before coming! Play continued with an amaz- of time so watched the first half of our away unpunished. and they voted for Rowan our keeper seen hour of 6.45 (who knew?!) and ing goal from Susie-Q who, at the goal heroic hockey players for inspiration in At half time I did not have many op- for a solid performance despite con- made their way downstairs to await the post, neatly walloped the goal past the the battle that lay before us. We had to tions so all I could say is to get stuck ceding more than he would’ve liked to. coach, which duly arrived complete feet of the blundering goalie. find our own changing room of which in as it was the only way we would get Next year though, they will be beaten. with windscreen wipers. The game was on! However, CSM the only one free was the ladies’ (clear- back into this, if we didn’t we were go- On arrival the CSM team appeared scored a 3rd goal that was definitely ly some poor attempt at psychological ing to lose. to be undertaking some interesting over the backboard!!! Crip threw a warfare from Camborne). But we ral- For the beginning of the second scare-tactics in the form of stretching rightful glare of hat at the ump, ripping lied ourselves and marched out as one half this seemed to work in holding exercises. Of course we ladies fear not off her helmet (so play had to stop) and to the pitch to have our warmup. The the score as it was and not conceding for that kind of caper, since we had al- promptly refusing to put it back on un- first thing that we noticed was how ut- for 10/15 minutes. Rowan Baker (our ready warmed our voices and muscles til she’d been heard and the decision terly crap the pitch was, it had lines all keeper) pulled off some amazing saves up at the pre bottle match bar night reversed. She got a green card. over it like a tractor had been let loose. and won every one on one. But then (CSM idiots!) The author asks why no-one remem- The second thing we noticed was the a wonderful through ball completely The match began with frightening bers Sammy doing a Green pint, clear- high level of organisation Camborne unlocked us allowing them another battle cries and a push back by Sangy. ly this needs rectifying! The evils then had, they were a team with only one one on one which they finished well. We knew the war of the two sides had scored a forth goal (cheeting wotsits) goal (well actually lots more but I’ll get To compound the misery we suffered begun as ‘banter’ from both sides began and time was called; only after Emma onto that) and that was to win. an injury to one of our players that was to ring in our ears. The first half was thumped a girl in the shin for being as A few minutes before the hockey subbed on earlier, we were down to an incredible match of skill from both ugly as sin. finished the ref called both captains 10 players for a while as our final sub sides, with some excellent passes being A good game by all we fought hard over and I won the toss and decided was not ready (he wasn’t originally go- made and some awesome runs. Many and nearly reached the ultimate goal of to stay the way we were facing. The ing to play). We managed to stabilise a time did we get the ball into their D that cup! Next year we’ll back, better game kicked off and it was clear Cam- things for another short while but they and frightened the goalie. However, at than before and we will win it, oh yes. borne were stronger than us showing won a free kick about 35/40 yards out, half time, the score was 0-0. We had We’ll drink champagne, absinthe, beer slick passing and a strong desire to win they pitched the ball into the area and rattled their sub-standard cages.. in and Crème de Menthe (for sammy) the ball back if anything went astray. It Gerry Vega put the ball gloriously into fact so much they were actually yelling from that cup and guard it with our wasn’t long before they got their first his own net with a header any attacker and shouting at each other and not at drunken lives from the cheating scum- goal and then not long after got their would be proud of. After this the game us (we’re just THAT good!). bag hags from Cornwall. second. And then as if it couldn’t get lost any momentum still left but there After a half time speech by Sammy Congratulations to all who played, any worse poor Dave Holder was taken was still time for Camborne to make and Charlotte and a quick team re- definitely one of our best matches of off to hospital in an ambulance forc- another through-ball which they fin- shuffle we were ready to rock again. this year, I only hope our supporters ing a substitution and a slight change ished and we got another booking as Nice dress! Unfortunately, the Chunky Social didn’t make them cry too much, not! 46 felix Friday 7 March 2008

Sport [email protected] IC Boat Club’s women successfully gain starting places for next year’s WeHoRR participants

Christina Duffy After watching a hundred or so crews from seat six Mackenzie Clavin. The BC (S2) in a time of 19:32.81. Jenny done to everybody involved! pass, the Marshal’s herded the rest of seat was replaced on the slides impres- Forrester’s composite crew finished With early morning training can- The 68th annual Women’s Eights Head the crews up to the starting position. sively fast as the rest of the crew pulled 8th overall, 5th in their category (S1), celled on Sunday, post-race festivities of the River Race (WEHoRR) took We crawled our way towards Chiswick harder to maintain speed. Allowing in 19:50.99. IC’s senior women finished began early with a boathouse crawl place last Saturday 1st March at 10am Bridge keeping in along the bank as no mechanical mishap to stand in our 23rd overall, 7th in their category (S2) along Putney embankment ending up from Mortlake to Putney. the racing boats continued to pulse to- way we strengthened and settled into in a time of 20:14.39. And our novice in London RC. A great day was had The processional rowing race takes wards the finish. As we emerged under a steady 32 s/m race-pace rate. Unbe- crew finished 147th overall, 4th in our by all and we wish the best of luck place on the outgoing tide with the Chiswick Bridge we were met by strong knownst to the rest of the crew further category in a time of 22:10.92. This to the men’s crews in anticipation of winner completing the course in the winds, water traffic and shallow waters disaster was unravelling as the steering means a gaining of places by all crews the Men’s Head of the River Race on fastest time. IC was represented by a along the bank causing early concern controls snapped early-on in the race for next years ICBC participants. Well March 15th. women’s senior eight (S2), a women’s for crews trying to prevent fin damage causing difficulty for Cox Katie Oliver novice eight (Novice Acad), and by to their boats. who displayed outstanding naviga- Jenny Forrester in a London composite Tension mounted as boats up ahead tional skills in steering us through the entry (S1). Each crew lines up sequen- began to spin around for the race course in the fastest stream. tially and is timed over the 4.25 mile wind-up. Nervous chatter was hushed With technical difficulties behind us distance. Not only are crews racing for and crew members stripped down into we approached and throttled past one- victory but their finishing placement their racing gear. It was after 11 am and two-three-four-five crews in quick suc- determines the clubs starting places we had been on the water for 2 hours cession leaving them demoralised and the following year. keeping warm and focused. We took feebly paddling in our wake. Motivated Weeks of gruelling land and water the psychological advantage when by their pained expressions we banged sessions under the iron fist of Coach several of our crew members had no out the strokes down the Thames to- James Blackley had the novice crew choice but to relieve themselves over wards Hammersmith Bridge. Huge prepared in peak physical condition. board; shocking opponent crews be- cheers from fellow ICBC members The novice boat, of which I am seven fore the turn and giving them some- and family relatives pushed us on away of nine, was assigned number 239 of thing to visualise for the next seven from the Bridge. Some incredible vocal 251 due to there being no novice en- kilometres. ranges were displayed by ICBC’s Adam try last year. Fire raged in the belly of With the boat lighter we spun round Seward and John Davey. each crew member after some inspir- and set off at full concentration to- Holding our rate we continued steady ing motivational speaking from James wards the start line at Chiswick Bridge. before hitting Craven Cottage, an area and senior women’s coach Ross Smith- Stroke Selina Graham set us off into a we had earlier marked as our first push eman before setting off from the IC steady rhythm before building up the for home. We blistered on, tiring but boathouse on Putney embankment. pressure and increasing the speed to a refusing to slacken off. Our final push Although initially impeded by some blistering 34 strokes per minute (s/m) came as we passed the ICBC boat steering-deficient crews, top Cox Ka- as we crossed the start line under Chis- house just a few hundred metres from tie Oliver impressively manoeuvred wick Bridge. the finish. With gladiatorial war-cries us across the river to our designated Just a few strokes into the race the from Cox Katie resounding across the banking position just short of Barnes blade from Bow’s Kate Wylie came Thames, Selina took the rating up to Bridge. At 10 am the Saxon sounded loose from the rigger off-setting the 34 s/m for the final push home. With and soon the first crew from Thames boat’s balance. We managed to main- every conceivable muscle aching we RC came hurtling under the bridge to- tain our rating while she swiftly recov- pounded out the closing strokes and wards Putney. IC’s Jenny Forrester fol- ered the blade. A few hundred metres grunted our way across the finish; ex- lowed in boat two, looking powerful in later a bang followed by a distressed hausted, but elated. seat four. cry of ‘My seat came off!’ was heard The overall Head winner was Osiris The Women’s boat overtaking the competition

Dance club in Southern Kendo club go climbing Universities competition Tim Simpson

Christina Jackson energy flies around as every university This weekend saw a surprising thing goes head to head with all the others. indeed. Normally creatures of the Un- So it’s 4am on a Saturday morning, it’s With 4 couples reaching the team fi- ion Gym, the members of Imperial’s cold and dark and the last thing you nals, Imperial once again secured their Kendo society were instead present in fancy doing is getting up and wearing 3rd place behind Oxford and Cam- Ethos. It was ‘Climb-Fest’ at Ethos, and sequins… right? Well, that was what 60 bridge. Rumour has it that it’s because taking advantage of the situation our of us were doing last Saturday- the Im- the Oxford latin girls touch themselves members threw themselves into the perial College Dancesport team were more than ours, but it’s a well known fray. This event, kindly sponsored by competing in the Southern Universi- fact that Imperial still have the hot- ‘Cotswold outdoor’, featured a climb- ties Competition, the second biggest in test team on the circuit. And by the ing competition and also sessions for the dancing calendar. number of trophies that travelled back beginners to tackle the wall under the After a two hour coach ride, includ- on the coach with us, Imperial is defi- nurturing kindness of specialist in- ing a (dodgy) breakfast at a service sta- nitely a force to be reckoned with on structors, in our case Ruth and Steve. tion and half of ‘Road Trip’ we arrived the dance floor. Now lets be honest here, we kendo- at UWE and jumped straight into the ka aren’t normally timid people. We action. usually dress in armour and whack The morning was dedicated to the each other with big sticks whilst yell- Ballroom side of things and after over ing in non-dulcet tones. Such is not 4 hours of dancing a good set of results the behaviour of people likely to spend was achieved by Imperial. 5 couples a quiet night in reading a book. How- earned a place in the Intermediate ever, neither are we prone to going semi-finals, with 5 finalists in Begin- vertical. So one or two of our members ners, Novice and Ex-Student. Arman were a tad nervous. Sahovic and Anne-Marie Wirth im- Actually, we found the session to be pressively took 4th in the Advanced fun. Not only is there fairly limitless fun The Kendo team at the foot of the Ethos climbing wall Category. to be had dangling from a piece of rope, After a much deserved break, the but also the staff and equipment onsite Latin section kicked off in the after- at Ethos are top notch. It wasn’t long some slight way, have prepared us for tion to test our skills against. We will noon. Again, the dancing went on for before our members were shinning up the annual University Competition that keep you apprised of our progress. roughly 4 hours before Imperial had 6 the walls like there was no tomorrow. takes place in two weeks time in Cam- Nonetheless, even this clash of titans couples reaching the finals, with Ar- So apart from having above-average bridge. At the moment it looks like we pales in comparison to the real event of man and Nicole Papaioannou coming skills with a sword we can now climb, areup against an assortment of teams the year: Imperial College Kendo Club’s 5th in the Advanced final and Chris too. A nifty combination for night time from all over the country. Our old ri- 10th Anniversary celebratory com- Bassett and Chrissy Jackson winning occupations of dastardly repute. All val UCL is taking part as well as those petition to be held at the end of May. the Intermediate category. job requests to be sent via our website. scarfed ne’er-do-wells from Cambridge Which we are sure you are all looking The evenings at dance competitions Silence assured for a price. and Oxford, and even some from the forward to of course. So keep your eyes are always fun and a lot of competitive Arman and Nicole This team-building exercise may, in land of Robert the Bruce. Quite a selec- peeled for more information. Friday 7 March 2008 felix 47 [email protected] Sport Processed food – what is it Interval training

Ben Richens interval training has been proved to in- and what does it do for us? crease top speed, acceleration and the Energia Fitness Instructor ability to sprint finish! This week, I’m going to talk about how Interval training utilises the aerobic Gil Saville eat all year around. Fruit and vegeta- whole grains, low in sodium and calo- interval training is an effective way to system and the anaerobic or alactic Energia Fitness Instructor ble juice is also an example of a healthy ries, and free of trans fats. Make sure increase your general and sport related system (depending on the nature of processed food. In fact, some orange you pay attention to serving size, too, fitness amongst other things and that the intervals) to produce energy. In the Any food that you can buy in a can, jar, juice is fortified with calcium to make and balance out the processed foods we don’t have to do the same things hard interval the anaerobic or alactic packet or bottle is processed food. That it even more nutritious. you eat with a delicious fresh salad and we’ve always done in the gym if they’re system will be the main system work- is, food that has been altered from the Of course, there are a lot of proc- some whole grain bread. We should not getting us the results we are after. ing while when in the easier interval way in which nature presented it to essed foods that aren’t good for you. eat as many raw foods as we can daily. You may never have heard of interval the aerobic system will be working, us, in some kind of factory, as part of Many processed foods are made with Adding fresh fruits and vegetables to training before but it’s the objective of what this means is the easier interval a bulk process. It is believed that all trans fats, saturated fats, and large our meals and snacks is an easy way to this article to add an effective method is needed for recovery so you can con- processed food is bad for our health in amounts of sodium and sugar. These accomplish this. for you to get into even better shape, so tinue with the high amount of intensity different degrees, and it is best avoided types of foods should be avoided, or at Eliminating all processed food is let’s start off with the basics. in the hard interval. from our diet altogether. least eaten sparingly. Processed foods probably not going to happen for most Put simply, Interval training is an Many studies have been carried out There are three big problems with that may not be as healthy as fresh of us. But we can make better food interval of hard work followed by an on interval training – one study com- processed food – what is added, what foods include: choices and supplement our diets with interval of easier work repeated for pared three 20 minute interval sessions is removed and what is left. In short, missing components. We can opt for the desired time. Some of this article a week with three 60-90 minute steady the whole thing. • Canned foods with lots of the apple over the apple juice. We can will compare interval training to long state aerobic sessions a week with both Food additives are what are added to sodium choose a baked potato or salad over duration steady state cardiovascular groups improving the same amount, so processed food. These have been used • White breads and pastas made chips. We can choose whole-grain work (40 minutes + on a cardiovascu- in terms of saving time with interval by for centuries. Salt, sugar and vinegar with refined white flour, which are bread over white bread. We can take lar machine). This is not to say steady training you could get the same results were among the first used to preserve not as healthy as those made with the time to read food labels. Chanc- state cardiovascular work hasn’t got its nearly 5 times quicker! foods. However, in the past 30 years, whole grains es are if you can’t pronounce it, you place, indeed, before you try interval Increases in fitness, a higher body fat with the prominence of processed • Packaged high-calorie snack shouldn’t be eating it. We can choose training I would suggest you have some % loss and a higher increase in metabo- foods, there has been a massive explo- foods, like chips and cheese snacks processed foods with a very short list degree of aerobic fitness developed by lism are just some of the other findings sion of foods with additives, which is a • High-fat convenience foods, like of ingredients; the longer the list, the steady state work done on a cardio ma- for interval training, one study found much more serious problem. cans of ravioli more processing involved, and the chine (the treadmill, rower, bike etc…) that after just two weeks fat oxidation Additives are used in food to keep it • Frozen fish sticks and frozen more nutrition lost. Interval training has been around had improved by 36% with interval lasting longer and to make it taste, look dinners Our bodies are amazing, capable for many years but gained wider pop- training! and smell like something that it is not. • Packaged cakes and cookies of extraordinary things. They are de- ularity around the early 1950’s when Below are some examples of how you They enable food to sit on a supermar- • Boxed meal mixes signed to filter out toxins at a fast rate. a Czechoslovakian athlete famed for can start interval training, this is just ket shelf, or in our cupboards, for sev- • Sugary breakfast cereals They have a highly sophisticated de- his gruelling interval workouts won a a guide and will change depending on eral months without going bad. • Processed meats fence system. They have an amazing number of gold medals in the Olym- your goals and fitness levels. Processed foods have been altered ability to recover from serious damage. pics of 1948 and 1952. So for people Remember this is not to say you from their natural state for safety rea- Processed foods and pre-packaged The key lies in providing our bodies playing sports, interval training also should never do steady state aerobic sons and for convenience. The meth- meals are very convenient and popular. with the necessary building blocks to has a high carryover as in many sports work, only that there are definite ad- ods used for processing foods include If you do shop for these foods, be sure accomplish what they were designed to you don’t move at the same speed all vantages to varying the things you do canning, freezing, refrigeration, dehy- to look for products that are made with do-to keep us alive! the time sometimes you may sprint and interval training is just another dration and aseptic processing. other times stand still etc. Even for tool in your toolbox you can use to We tend to think of processed foods long distance sports like the marathon, achieve your fitness goals. as bad, but it turns out that many proc- essed foods are not unhealthy. For Type Easy interval Hard interval Duration example, milk would be considered a (length/intensity*) (length/intensity*) processed food because it is pasteur- ized to kill bacteria and homogenized Beginner 90 seconds/60-70% 45 seconds/75-85% 15-20 minutes to keep fats from separating. While some people prefer to drink raw milk, Short distance sport – 60 seconds/60-70% 10 seconds/95-100% 10-15 minutes most of us should consume the “proc- Badminton, etc… essed” version we find in our grocery stores. Mid distance sport – 2-3 minutes/60-70% 20-30 seconds/85-95% 15-25 minutes Another healthy example of food Hockey, rugby, etc… processing is frozen vegetables. While fresh may be best, freezing vegetables Long distance sport 2-3 minutes/60-70% 1-2 minutes/80-90% 20-30 minutes preserves vitamins and minerals and – Rowing, marathon makes them convenient to cook and Good, old fashioned, processed SPAM! etc…

Crossword No. 1,399 Answers to: [email protected]

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 ACROSS DOWN 1 Race to hunt after a spire (12) 1 Remove a mark from a surface (7) 7 8 9 Put the lid back on the summary 2 Former wife talked about being (5) thrown out of the church (14) 9 10 10 Ditch insect is quite cutting (9) 3 Student back in slip-ups (5) 11 Modest secretary is tardy (8) 4 Gives you the right to English 12 Corrupt king undergoes changes in honours (8) spring (6) 5 Part of the foot soundly cured (4) 11 12 13 Suppositions surround a part of the 6 Alien cronies mess around with leg (8) emission (9) 15 Cut a piece of valuable metal (6) 7 Present day found hidden in naive The winner of last week’s crossword 17 Annoyed in that shirt you wear (6) talents (5,9) was The Barbarians. Congratulations! 13 14 15 18 A challenging ordeal revealed in a 8 Older stalker loses knighthood (6) Enoch gaunt letter (8) 14 Rectal act, somehow, in the Black 16 16 20 Honestly get back on the same side Maria (6,3) Solution to Crossword 1,398 (20) 16 Minor ocarina thrown in the pasta S T I R R U P S E S T U C C O 17 18 19 21 Somehow wrong age for a cart (8) T M O R N R A D driver (21) 17 Elegant tree (6) R E P A R T E E D B I G A M Y 24 Chopin censored mangled rise in 19 Central turret hides atrocities (7) O A S D M T S R S intensity (9) 22 Seize Greek snake (5) L I L A C A E P I D E M I C S 20 21 22 25 Farewell! I die in Australia (5) 23 Unknown future (4) L E H C D T N E 26 Title illustration on the cover is G R E H A B E R D A S H E R Y 23 endlessly put together (12) A T C S L T T S M A S S H Y S T E R I A A N O 24 25 I U L O W M E S C O N C O U R S E I U P S E T A A B S I L K A B U M P E R A A G R A R I A N 26 26 L I S I H N M D E A S T E R L S T A T I O N S Send in your sport reports: felix [email protected] sport High resolution photos only ICU baby… shaking that ass Dance club report on the Southern Universities Dance Competition, see page 46

Women’s football into semis Imperial Boat Club

Emma Brett as pie. The IC team, in a state of con- Portuguese words had the referee not fusion, took about a minute to realize yelled at them to stop it. Minutes lat- invades Belgium While everyone else was at Varsity, the they were 2-0 up. er the same Winchester striker chose quarter-finals of the BUSA plate saw Winchester began to get more ag- to pick a fight with Kate, who would IC Women’s football take eleven ladies gressive and finally began to break have been up for it despite being half Iain Palmer rowers had first got in a boat only five in the “fun bus” down to Winchester. through the IC defence, using their a head shorter. Tension was mounting months previously. After being snapped at by the unsym- lumpy pitch to their advantage. Many and Winchester players began mowing Last Saturday two eights left Impe- The obligatory post-race celebra- pathetic referee for being a minute late of their crosses, however, were unable IC players down but as always Emma rial Boatclub at 5am to race in Bruges, tions were quickly begun with vigour. and having no substitute to double up to connect with their strikers. Cheryl, saved the day, multiple times. Belgium. In particular, veteran Nigel Atkins was as a linesman, IC took to the pitch. in a spirit of generosity, got in the way Pav sealed the deal for IC seven min- After a few setbacks (caused largely keen to sample the impressive range of What Winchester referred to as their of a cross which took a deflection, gift- utes before full time. Steph made a by the attempt to navigate to a small beers on offer, and finished the night pitch was actually a piece of the hill ing Winchester with a goal and a glim- multitude of crosses giving the IC for- boatclub in a foreign city without any by sampling the local variety of kebab with one goal at the top of the hill, the mer of hope before half time. wards plenty of goal scoring opportu- form of map and/or directions), both (twice). Other club members were second goal at the bottom and the cor- The second half started with Win- nities. Pav pounced on the ball that re- crews and boats managed to arrive in similarly keen to sample other aspects ners at different altitudes. chester clearly out for blood. They fused to go in for shots from everyone time for a 12:30 race. of Belgian culture, and see what the The match began with IC attack- were now shooting downhill and bore else and slipped it into the back of the Conditions were especially difficult, Belgians could offer. ing downhill which was an advantage down on the IC goal in a tide of really Winchester net effortlessly. The game with a roaring headwind during the Thoughtfully, a long training ses- that Chin abused and it was not long big girls. IC fell back to defend with ended 3-1 to IC Women’s, meaning we warm-up, along with waves breaking sion was scheduled the next morning before she got IC the first goal of the Chloe and Rita making crucial tackles were through. into the bows of the boats. For the sen- at 7:30 am to help everyone out with game. With support from Rita and Pav, which prompted a Winchester striker BUSA plate semi-finals in some ri- ior eight, going off 2nd, the start was their hangovers. This involved a ‘16 Lily booted the ball over the heads of to shout unpleasant things at Rita, who diculous middle-of-no-where ‘away’ somewhat shaky. However, a rhythm kilometre’ outing to the ‘nearby’ port the defenders. They were outpaced by was about to respond in a string of rude location, here we come! was soon found and by halfway the of Ostend, complete with headwind Chin, who then proceeded to chip the crew were almost upon the boat in and conditions somewhat akin to the goalkeeper from the left. front. English Channel. With this productive, On the right, Steph and Emma held After overtaking, the speed was albeit painful, row concluded, the club the storm of Winchester players back, maintained to finish powerfully and loaded boats and began the long drive fully frustrating them. Plus, with Kate win the race overall, in a time faster home. and Yoke as centre backs, Winchester than all other crews. Crucially, the The Head of the River Race, raced had nuthin’ on IC. Various chances eight beat opposition that had a few on the Boat Race course and one of the were created at the other end but un- weeks previously beaten us by 25 sec- most important races in the rowing fortunately for IC the ball refused to go onds, underlining the improvement in calendar, is on the 15th March. in, including a wonder shot from Chloe speed as a result of recent training. With an entry of around 430 crews which came off the cross bar. In addition, the novice eight per- and over 3000 athletes, this is tradi- Chin’s second goal came a little later formed well, beating some far more tionally an event Imperial College on from another through ball from experienced opposition and handling dominate. Lily. Once again Chin outran the de- the conditions very well. That the crew The results from Bruges indicate that fenders with her gazelle-like legs. To were able to compete among senior this should once again be the case if the Winchester’s disbelief, she ran through crews is all the more impressive con- club maintains its current momentum their backline and netted the ball, easy IC women’s football team after their quarter-final victory sidering the fact that most of the eight and focus.