Sheldon Cooper Quotations - Season 1
Sheldon gets a lot of the best lines on The Big Bang Theory. We've compiled some of his most memorable quotes from Season 1 below.
Season 1, Episode 1 (Pilot) Well, today we tried masturbating for money.
Yes, it tells us that you participate in the mass cultural delusion that the sun‟s apparent position relative to arbitrarily defined constellations at the time of your birth somehow affects your personality.
You did not "break up" with Joyce Kim. She defected to North Korea.
Season 1, Episode 2 (The Big Ah gravity, thou art a heartless bitch. Bran Hypothesis)
Explain to me an organizational system where a tray of flatware on a couch is valid. I'm just inferring that this is a couch, because the evidence suggests the coffee table is having a tiny garage sale.
I am truly sorry for what happened last night. I take full responsibility and I hope it won‟t color your opinion of Leonard, who is not only a wonderful guy but also, I hear, a gentle and thorough lover.
Season 1, Episode 3 (The Fuzzy At least now you can retrieve the black box from the twisted Boots Corollary) smoldering wreckage that was once your fantasy of dating her and analyze the data so that you don't crash into geek mountain again.
I think that you have as much of a chance of having a sexual relationship with Penny as the Hubble Telescope does of discovering at the center of every black hole is little man with a flashlight searching for a circuit breaker.
There's always the possibility that alcohol and poor judgment on her part might lead to a nice romantic evening.
Season 1, Episode 4 (The There wouldn't have been any ass kickings if that stupid death Luminous Fish Effect) ray had worked.
Oh, I'm sorry. Did I insult you? Is your body mass somehow tied into your self worth?
Season 1, Episode 5 (The Do you realize I may have to share a Nobel Prize with your Hamburger Postulate) booty call?
Of course I'm listening. Blah blah, hopeless Penny delusion, blah blah blah.
Season 1, Episode 6 (The Middle I'm the Doppler Effect! Earth Paradigm)
Given the reaction to my costume, this party is a scathing indictment of the American educational system.
When people are upset, the cultural convention is to bring them hot beverages.
Season 1, Episode 7 (The I'll watch the last 24 minutes of Doctor Who, although at this Dumpling Paradox) point it's more like Doctor Why Bother.
No, I‟m going to ask him to choose between sex and Halo 3. As far as I know, sex has not been upgraded to include high-def graphics and enhanced weapon systems.
Season 1, Episode 8 (The Damn you, Walletnook.com. Grasshopper Experiment)
I understand, but it was between you and the Museum of Natural History, and frankly, you don't have dinosaurs.
Season 1, Episode 9 (The Forget your suit. Look at my arms flailing. I'm like a flamingo Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization) on Ritalin.
Well, there's always the possibility that a trash can spontaneously formed around the letter, but Occam's Razor would suggest that someone threw it out.
Season 1, Episode 10 (The I don‟t guess. As a scientist I reach conclusions based on Loobenfeld Decay) observation and experimentation. Although, as I‟m saying this, it occurs to me that you may have been employing a rhetorical device, rendering my response moot.
Artificial intelligences do not have teen fetishes.
I don't know... but if cats could sing, they'd hate it too.
Season 1, Episode 11 (The We have no idea what pathogen Typhoid Penny‟s introduced Pancake Batter Anomaly) into our environment. And having never been to Nebraska I‟m relatively certain that I have no Corn Husking antibodies.
Obviously you're not well-suited for three-dimensional chess. Perhaps three-dimensional Candyland would be your speed.
Season 1, Episode 12 (The While Mr. Kim, by virtue of youth and naiveté, has fallen prey Jerusalem Duality) to the inexplicable need for human contact, let me step in and assure you that my research will go on uninterrupted, and that social relationships will continue to baffle and repulse me.
Engineering: where the noble semi-skilled laborers execute the vision of those who think and dream. Hello, Ooompa-Loompas of science.
Season 1, Episode 13 (The Bat Yes, well, I‟m polymerized tree sap and you‟re an inorganic Jar Conjecture) adhesive, so whatever verbal projectile you launch in my direction is reflected off of me, returns to its original trajectory and adheres to you.
Would you ask Picasso to play Pictionary? Would you ask Noah Webster to play Boggle? Would you ask Jacques Cousteau to play Go Fish?
At this point I should inform you that I intend to form my own team and destroy the molecular bonds that bind your very matter together and reduce the resulting particular chaos to tears.
One more thing. It‟s on, bitch.
Season 1, Episode 14 (The Dibs does not apply in a bidding war. Nerdvana Annihilation)
In a Venn diagram, that would be an individual located at the intersection of the sets “no longer want my Time Machine” and “need 800 dollars”.
It only moves in time. It would be worse than useless in a swamp.
I disagree. Your inability to successfully woo Penny long predates your acquisition of the time machine. That failure clearly stands on its own.
Season 1, Episode 15 (The They were not “friends”. They were imaginary colleagues. Shiksa Indeterminacy)
Season 1, Episode 16 (The What twelve year old boy wants a motorized dirt bike? Peanut Reaction)
What computer do you have? And please don't say "a white one."
Season 1, Episode 17 (The Actually, I thought the first two renditions were far more Tangerine Factor) compelling. Previously, I felt sympathy for the Leonard character. Now I just find him to be whiny and annoying.
Oxen are in my bed! Many, many oxen!
Sheldon Cooper Quotations - Season 2
Sheldon gets a lot of the best lines on The Big Bang Theory. We've compiled some of his most memorable quotes from Season 2 below.
Season 2, Episode 1 (The Bad I've got more nervous ticks than a Lyme Disease research Fish Paradigm) facility.
Mom smokes in the car. Jesus is okay with it, but we can't tell Dad.
I drank milk that tasted funny.
Season 2, Episode 2 (The Notify the editors of the Oxford English Dictionary: the word Codpiece Topology) "plenty" has been redefined to mean "two."
If you're having trouble deciding where to sit, may I suggest One Potato, Two Potato -- or as I call it, the Leslie Winkle experimental methodology.
You'd hit particulate soil in a colloidal suspension. Mud.
You know, it‟s amazing how many supervillains have advanced degrees. Graduate schools should probably do a better job at screening those people out.
Season 2, Episode 3 (The I can't wear different pajamas. These are my Monday pajamas. Barbarian Sublimation)
These Hungarians -- they're just using you for dragon fodder.
Leonard, you have to do something about Penny. She's interfering with my sleep, she's interfering with my work... and if I had another significant aspect of my life, I'm sure she'd be interfering with that too.
Season 2, Episode 4 (The Griffin I wanted a griffin... I was studying recombinant DNA Equivalency) technology and I was confident I could create one, but my parents were unwilling to secure the necessary eagle eggs and lion semen. Of course my sister got swimming lessons when she wanted them.
I'm not insane -- my mother had me tested.
Hot air blowers are incubators and spewers of bacteria and pestilence. Frankly it'd be more hygenic if they just had a plague-infested gibbon sneeze my hands dry. A tremendous accomplishment would be if the planetary body he discovered were plummeting toward Earth and he exploded it with his mind.
Season 2, Episode 5 (The Euclid I bought these Star Wars sheets but they turned out to be Alternative) much too stimulating to be compatible with a good night's sleep. I don't like the way Darth Vader stares at me.
I'm clearly too evolved for driving.
Season 2, Episode 6 (The Looking out at your fresh young faces, I remember when I, Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem) too, was deciding my academic future as a lowly graduate student. Of course, I was fourteen. And I had already achieved more than most of you could ever hope to, despite my 9:00 bedtime. Now, there may be one or two of you in this room who has what it takes to succeed in theoretical physics, although it's more likely that you'll spend your scientific careers teaching fifth graders how to make papier-mâché volcanoes with baking soda lava.
I never eat in strange restaurants. One runs the risk of non- standard cutlery.... Three tines is not a fork. Three tines is a trident. Forks are for eating, tridents are for ruling the Seven Seas.
Apparently I'm in some kind of relationship and you seem to be an expert at ending them.... I see man after man leaving this apartment, never to return.
Season 2, Episode 7 (The Panty I trusted you with my email address and you betrayed that Pinata Polarization) trust by sending me Internet banalities -- Strike One. Touching my food -- Strike Two.
Greetings, Hamburger Toucher. You are probably wondering why you cannot IM with your little friends about how much you "heart" various things.
I really don't think this is the kind of thing Jesus concerns himself with.
Season 2, Episode 8 (The Lizard- Rock, paper, scissors, lizard, Spock. It's very simple. Look -- Spock Expansion) scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard, lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors.
I'm sorry, but I'm not going to watch the Clone Wars TV series until I've seen the Clone Wars movie. I prefer to let George Lucas disappoint me in the order he intended.
I believe the appropriate metaphor here involves a river of excrement and a Native American water vessel without any means of propulsion.
Season 2, Episode 9 (The White Just for the record, my efforts to establish you as the alpha Asparagus Triangulation) male were not aided by you bursting into tears.
Radiation burns -- a little mishap while I was building my own CAT scanner.... In fact, I was briefly able to see the inside of my sister's guinea pig, Snowball, before he caught fire. It led to an interesting expression in our house: "not a snowball's chance in a CAT scanner."
When I come back, just for fun, the subject will be alternative history. Specifically, how would the Civil War have gone differently if Lincoln had been a robot sent from the future. Season 2, Episode 10 (The It's not enough that she mocks me, but that isn't even the Vartabedian Conundrum) correct procedure for a cootie shot.
Good morning, Dr. Stephanie. I trust Leonard satisfied you sexually last night?
Can I at least have the upper GI? I already drank the barium!
Season 2, Episode 11 (The Bath Your argument is lacking in all scientific merit. Now, it is well Item Gift Hypothesis) established Superman cleans his uniform by flying into Earth's yellow sun, which incinerates any contaminant matter and leaves the invulnerable Kryptonian fabric unharmed and daisy- fresh.
The essence of the custom is that I now have to go out and purchase for you a gift of commensurate value and representing the same perceived level of friendship as that represented by the gift you've given me. It's no wonder suicide rates skyrocket this time of year.
I possess the DNA of Leonard Nimoy? Do you realize what this means? All I need is a healthy ovum and I can grow my own Leonard Nimoy!
Season 2, Episode 12 (The Killer This is trash talk. Trash talk is a traditional component in all Robot Instability) sporting events. Kripke, your robot is inferior and it will be defeated by ours, because ours exceeds yours in both design and execution. Also, I'm given to understand that your mother is overweight.
We don't need Wolowitz. Engineering is merely the slow younger brother of physics. Watch and learn... do either of you know how to open the toolbox?
Season 2, Episode 13 (The You know, I am a fan of ventriloquism. Maybe you, me and Friendship Algorithm) your dummy could go get a hot beverage. He could talk while you drink.
What part of an inverse tangent function approaching an asymptote don't you understand?
Maintaining five friendships promises to be a Herculean task, so I'm going to have to let one of you go.
Season 2, Episode 14 (The They have Twizzlers instead of Red Vines. No amount of Financial Permeability) lumbar support can compensate for that.
I see no large upcoming expenditures, unless they develop an affordable technology to fuse my skeleton with Adamantium like Wolverine.
I was wrong. Minstrels will write songs about you.There once was a brave lad named Leonard with a fie fie fiddle dee dee. He faced a fearsome giant while Raj just wanted to pee.
Season 2, Episode 15 (The Your mother is brilliant, analytical, insightful -- and I'm betting Maternal Capacitance) she never hit you with a Bible because you wouldn't eat your brussels sprouts.
You were lucky. When I was a kid, if I wanted an EEG, I had to attach my own electrodes.
In bladder voiding, as in real estate, it's location, location, location.
Season 2, Episode 16 (The That is my spot. In an ever-changing world it is a simple point Cushion Saturation) of consistency. If my life were expressed as a function in a four-dimensional Cartesian coordinate system, that spot, at the moment I first sat on it, would be 0000.
Excuse me, but the problem is not solved. If your head had been accidentally amputated and we transplanted a dog's head in its place, would that be 'problem solved'?
Focus is important. Was Michael DeBakey a wedding planner in between heart transplants? Did Alexander Fleming moonlight as a hairdresser? "Thanks for discovering penicillin -- now how about we try a bouffant?"
Season 2, Episode 17 (The I understand your envy. This is a can't-miss symposium. There Terminator Decoupling) are going to be discussions on bio-organic cellular computer devices, the advancements in multi-threaded task completion, plus a roundtable on the Non-Equilibrium Green's Function approach to the photoionization process in atoms.
On this side, you'll see panoramic ocean vistas inaccessible to any other form of transportation, while on your side, you'll be treated to 350 miles of Costcos, Jiffy Lubes and cinderblock homes with above-ground pools.
No one calls me "Moonpie" but Mee-Maw.
Season 2, Episode 18 (The Work Penny, everything is better with Bluetooth. Song Nanocluster)
Excuse me, but was this not your goal? Financial independence through entrepreneurial brilliance and innovation -- my brilliance and innovation, of course, but still.
Sorry, coffee's out of the question. When I moved to California, I promised my mother that I wouldn't start doing drugs.
Season 2, Episode 19 (The Dead No, it's not going to be fine. Change is never fine. They say it Hooker Juxtaposition) is, but it's not.
I never met them. That's what made them perfect. There were no awkward hellos in the hall, there was no clickety-clacking of high-heeled shoes on hardwood floors. They may as well have been a family of cats, just jumping around from drape to drape. Without that annoying ammonia-urine smell.
Hold on, you honestly expect me to believe that social protocol dictates we break our backs helping Wolowitz move, and in return, he only need buy us a pizza?
Listen to that! Stomp, stomp, stomp. It's Wolowitz and his stacked heels that fool no one.
Season 2, Episode 20 (The Rut? I think you mean consistency. And if we're going to Hofstadter Isotope) abandon that, then why even call it Thursday? Let's call it "Quonko Day" and divide it into 29 hours of 17 minutes apiece, and celebrate it by sacrificing a goat to the mighty god Ra.
Just pick out anything? Maybe at the same time we can pick out a new suit for him without knowing his size, or pick out his career for him without knowing his aptitude, or pick out his breakfast cereal without knowing his fiber requirements, or his feelings about little marshmallows.
More wrong? Wrong is an absolute state and not subject to gradation.
Season 2, Episode 21 (The That's preposterous! I do not resemble C-3PO. Don't get me Vegas Renormalization) wrong, I'm flattered, I just don't see it.
What exactly does that expression mean, "friends with benefits"? Does he provide her with health insurance?
You know, I'm given to understand that there's an entire city in Nevada designed specifically to help people like Howard forget their problems. They can replace them with new problems, like alcoholism, gambling addiction and sexually transmitted diseases.
I'm curious about the whole social construct. On its face, the idea of satisfying one's sexual appetite -- assuming one is afflicted with such -- without emotional entanglement seems eminently practical. What I've observed, however, is Howard Wolowitz crying like a little girl.
Okay, I'm sleepy now, get out.
Season 2, Episode 22 (The Smell that? That's the smell of new comic books. Oh, yes! Classified Materials Turbulance)
You have to check your messages, Leonard. The leaving of a message is one half of a social construct, which is completed by the checking of the message. If that contract breaks down, then all social contracts break down, and we descend into anarchy.
You know, I have to say I thought the toilet humor would get less funny with repetition. Apparently there is no law of diminishing comedic return when it comes to space poop.
For what it's worth, my mother says that when we deceive for personal gain, we make Jesus cry.
Season 2, Episode 23 (The Perhaps you mean a different thing than I do when you say Monopolar Expedition) "science."
Must be an emergency. Everyone at the university knows I eat my breakfast at 8 and move my bowels at 8:20.
That's fourteen hours away. For the next 840 minutes, I'm effectively one of Heisenberg's particles. I know where I am, I know how fast I'm going, but I can't know both.
I want a cookie, Mee-Maw
Sheldon Cooper Quotations - Season 3
Sheldon gets a lot of the best lines on The Big Bang Theory. We've compiled some of his most memorable quotes from Season 3 below.
Season 3, Episode 1 (The No, Mother, I cannot feel your church group praying for my Electric Can Opener Fluctuation) safety. The fact that I‟m home safe does not prove that it worked. That logic is post hoc ergo propter hoc. No, I‟m not sassing you in Eskimo talk.
Hello, Penny. I realize you‟re currently at the mercy of your primitive biological urges, but as you have an entire lifetime of poor decisions ahead of you, may I interrupt this one?
You think you‟re so clever. Well, let me just tell you, while I do not currently have a scathing retort, you check your email periodically for a doozy.
They were threatened by my intelligence and too stupid to know that‟s why they hated me. I‟ll spend the rest of my life here in Texas, trying to teach evolution to creationists.
Season 3, Episode 2 (The Jiminy I‟m not crazy. My mother had me tested. Conjecture)
Oh, ho, a clever, albeit obsolete, euphemism for insufficient blood flow to the male sex organ.
Well, I grew up with an older brother and a very contentious twin sister, and I believe I can easily best you in any physical confrontation, be it noogies, swirlies or the classic Why Are You Hitting Yourself?.
Season 3, Episode 3 (The Penny, while I subscribe to the Many Worlds Theory, which Gothowitz Deviation) posits the existence of an infinite number of Sheldons in an infinite number of universes, I assure you that in none of them am I dancing.
I can‟t be impossible – I exist! I believe what you meant to say is – „I give up, he‟s improbable‟.
Interesting. Sex works even better than chocolate to modify behavior. I wonder if anyone else has stumbled onto this?
Season 3, Episode 4 (The Pirate Yes, since their relationship became carnal, Penny has Solution) upgraded his designated term of endearment, thus distinguishing him from those she calls sweetie, usually in an attempt to soften a thinly veiled insult.
Another reason to consider a life of piracy. Even today, I understand that‟s an all-male profession.
There is a fine line between wrong and visionary. Unfortunately you have to be a visionary to see it.
Season 3, Episode 5 (The Creepy Photographic is a misnomer. I have an eidetic memory as I‟ve Candy Coating) told you many times, most recently last year at lunch on the afternoon of May 7th. You had turkey and complained it was dry.
It might also interest you to know that Wil Wheaton currently ranks sixth on my All-Time Enemies list, between director Joel Schumacher, who nearly destroyed the Batman movie franchise, and Billy Sparks, who lived down the street from me and put dog poop on the handles of my bicycle.
In the words of Khan Noonien Singh in the immortalWrath of Khan, "He tasks me, he tasks me and I shall have him. From Hell's heart I stab at thee!"
Silence! How much longer must I wait for my revenge?
So my path to satisfaction is blocked by Lonely Larry and Captain Sweatpants? Very well, they must be destroyed!
Wheaton! Wheaton! Wheattooonnnn!!!
Season 3, Episode 6 (The Actually, the risk of throat cutting is very low. On the other Cornhusker Vortex) hand, severe string burn is a real and ever-present danger.
If you‟re interested, I also know all about frying meat that isn‟t chicken as if it were chicken.
I grew up in Texas. Football is ubiquitous in Texas. There‟s pro football, college football, high school football, pee wee football, in fact every form of football, except the original, European football. Most believe it to be a commie plot. If you‟d like, after the game I‟ll take you outside and teach you how to shoot close enough to a raccoon that it craps itself.
It seems like an awful lot of trouble to go through for intercourse. Don‟t you have access to women that will do it for money?
Season 3, Episode 7 (The You accidently stare at a helium-argon laser, lose one turn and Guitarist Amplification) a retina.
Stop it! Both of you! All this fighting. I might as well be back with my parents. "Damn it, George, I told you if you didn‟t stop drinking I‟d leave you!" "W‟all I guess that makes you a liar cause I‟m drunk as hell and you‟re still here." "Stop yelling, you‟re making Sheldon cry!" "I‟ll tell you what‟s making Sheldon cry, that I let you name him Sheldon."
I‟ve heard that before. Then the next thing you know, I‟m hiding in my bedroom blaring a Richard Feynman lecture while my Mom is shouting that Jesus would forgive her if she put ground glass in my Dad‟s meatloaf. And my Dad‟s on the roof skeet shooting her Franklin Mint collectible plates.
Season 3, Episode 8 (The You keep in mind that my sharply worded comments on Adhesive Duck Deficiency) Yelp.com recently took down a muffin store.
Mister Spock did not pilot the Enterprise. He was a Science officer. And I guarantee you if he ever saw the Enterprise‟s check engine light blinking, he would pull the ship over immediately.
According to the inexplicably irritable nurse behind the desk, you‟ll be seen after the man who claims to be having a heart attack, but appears to be well enough to play Doodle Jump on his iPhone.
Now remember, you were given powerful pain medications and a muscle relaxer. So, uh, don‟t operate heavy machinery. And try not to choke on your own drool.
Season 3, Episode 9 (The Why are you such a stupidhead? That is also rhetorical. Sorry Vengeance Formulation) you had to hear that.
Biologically speaking, Howard is perfectly justified in seeking out the optimum mate for the propagation of his genetic line, and if that propagation is in the interest of humanity is, of course, an entirely different question.
I never admit defeat. However, on an unrelated topic, I‟m never getting off this bed again.
Season 3, Episode 10 (The That‟s a false equivalency. More does not equal merry. If there Gorilla Experiment were two thousand people in this apartment right now, would be we celebrating? No! We‟d be suffocating!
Research Journal, Entry One. I‟m about to embark on one of the great challenges of my scientific career – teaching Penny physics. I‟m calling it Project Gorilla.
Here. That‟s college ruled. I hope that‟s not too intimidating.
Season 3, Episode 11 (The Oh, on the contrary. I found the Grinch to be a relatable, Maternal Congruence) engaging character, and I was really with him. Right up to the point that he succumbed to social convention and returned the presents and saved Christmas... what a buzz kill.
Jesus, on the other hand, was actually born in the summer. His birthday was moved to coincide with the traditional pagan holiday that celebrated the winter solstice with lit fires and slaughtered goats, which, frankly, sounds like more fun than twelve hours of church with my mother followed by fruitcake.
What I want is to be departing the Starship Enterprise in a one man shuttlecraft, headed to the planetoid I rule known as Sheldon Alpha Five.
Season 3, Episode 12 (The If outside is so good, why has mankind spent thousands of Psychic Vortex) years trying to perfect inside?
I don‟t say anything. I merely offer you a facial expression that suggests you‟ve gone insane.
Hulk agree to second date with puny humans!
Season 3, Episode 13 (The You know, the more I think about it, the Mobster Sauce Bozeman Reaction) couldn‟t possibly contain chunks of mobster. It was listed under Seafood.
I‟ve seen the underbelly of Pasadena, this so-called City of Roses and it haunts me. Ah, the injustice. I lie here awake, tormented, while out there evil lurks. Probably playing Donkey Kong on my Classic Nintendo.
My new computer came with Windows 7. Windows 7 is much more user friendly than Windows Vista. I don‟t like that.
Season 3, Episode 14 (The I don‟t need sleep, I need answers. I need to determine where, Einstein Approximation) in this swamp of unbalanced formulas, squatteth the toad of truth.
Don‟t be absurd, that‟s in Washington. You know I can‟t live in a city laid out in a hub and spoke pattern.
I asked myself, what is the most mind-numbing, pedestrian job conceivable and three answers came to mind: Toll booth attendant, Apple Store Genius and what Penny does. Now, since I don‟t like touching other people‟s coins, and I refuse to contribute to the devaluation of the word Genius – here I am.
Season 3, Episode 15 (The Large There‟s an economic concept known as a Positional Good in Hadron Collision) which an object is only valued by the possessor because its not possessed by others. The term was coined in 1976 by economist Fred Hirsch to replace the more colloquial but less precise „neener-neener‟.
Help me out. Which ski cap says après-super-collider?
I‟ve lived up to my commitments under the agreement. At least once a day I ask how you are, even though I simply don‟t care. I no longer stage spontaneous biohazard drills after 10 pm, and I abandoned my goal to master Tuvan throat singing.
Since I rarely hug, I‟m relying on your expertise as to the duration.
Season 3, Episode 16 (The Oh, I don‟t want to know that! How can I possibly discuss with Excelsior Acquisition) Stan Lee the scientific foundation for interstellar flight on a silver surfboard when part of my brain will be scanning his face for signs of a contagious skin disease?
I don‟t trust banks. I believe that when the robots rise up, ATM‟s will lead the charge.
I would point out that I am at the top of my profession, while you preside over the kiddy table of yours.
You boys may have had gelato with Stan Lee and gotten autographed comics, but I saw the inside of his house and got an autographed application for a restraining order.
Season 3, Episode 17 (The Technically, magic beans would be food. Although eating them Precious Fragmentation) would be quite a waste since you plant them and overnight have a giant beanstalk, which would provide enough roughage for a small city.
I have a twin sister whose assaults begin in utero. If only I‟d had the presence of mind to reabsorb her then I‟d have a mole with hair on it instead of a tedious yearly Christmas letter.
I have no illusions about my mother, She‟s a kind, loving, religiously fanatical, right wing Texan, with a slightly out of scale head and a mild Dr. Pepper addiction.
Season 3, Episode 18 (The Pants I‟m the William Shatner of theoretical physics. Alternative)
Oh, no. A Godzilla-like monster is approaching the city. I have to get my people to safety. “People of Sheldonopolis, this is your mayor. Follow me. If the children can‟t run, leave them behind!” Oh, the simulated horror!
If it will help speed things along my answers to the standard Rorschach ink blot tests are: A – a bat. B – a bat. C – a bat. And D – my father killing my mother with a hypodermic needle.
For the astronomers in the audience, get ready to see the dark side of the moon. And here‟s Uranus!
Season 3, Episode 19 (The You're ignoring the square-cube law. The giant ant would be Wheaton Recurrence) crushed under the weight of its own exoskeleton. And for the record, the appropriate ranking of cool modes of transportation is jet pack, hoverboard, transporter, batmobile, and then giant ant.
Well, well, well. If it isn't Wil Wheaton. The Green Goblin to my Spiderman. The Pope Paul V to my Galileo. The Internet Explorer to my Firefox.
I don't know if Stewart told you what you're up against tonight, but before you stands the co-captain of the East Texas Christian Youth Holy Roller Bowling League championship team. Seven- to twelve-year-old division.
A common spare. The Miss Congeniality of the bowling pageant.
Season 3, Episode 20 (The Oh, yes, it was a lot of work to accommodate you in my life. I'd Spaghetti Catalyst) hate for that effort to be in vain.
My existence is a continuum, so I've been what I am at each point in the implied time period.
That's the sauce my mother uses. She likes cooking Italian because according to her, that's what the Romans made Jesus eat.
We had dinner last night. She made me spaghetti with little hot dogs cut up in it. Well, little hot dog. I gave up the other five hot dogs to a real dog. A real big dog. A hell hound. Tangential to the primary story, how about I circle back to it?
Season 3, Episode 21 (The Now, listen. On the of the great minds of the 21st century is Plimpton Stimulation) about to play host to one of the other great minds of the 21st century. So pay attention: years from now my biographer might ask you about this event. I apologize. He's only an experimental physicist.
She's my guest. If anyone should offer her anything, it should be me. Elizabeth, can I get you something? Perhaps a feminine hygiene product, or a bowel regulating yogurt?
Oh, Penny. This is Dr. Plimpton, a leading expert on quantum cosmology. Dr. Plimpton, Penny is a waitress who doesn't understand the role gasoline plays in an internal combustion engine.
Season 3, Episode 22 (The Roommates agree that Friday nights will be reserved for Staircase Implementation) watching Joss Whedon's brilliant new series, Firefly.
The apartment flag is gold lion rampant on a field of azure.
I'm here because you violated our roommate agreement, specifically Section Eight, 'Visitors', sub-section C, 'Females', Paragraph 4, 'Coitus'. Roommates shall give each other twelve hours' notice of impending coitus.
I assure you, you'll be sorry you wasted your money on an iPod, when Microsoft comes out with theirs.
Season 3, Episode 23 (The Lunar Yes, in 1917, when Albert Einstein established the theoretic Excitation) foundation for the laser in his paper "Zur Quantentheorie der Strahlung," his fondest hope was that the resulting device be "bitchin'."
When one gets beaten up every other day in school, one of necessity develops a keen sense of hearing. Incidentally, one can get beaten up in school simply by referring to oneself as "one."
It‟s a time of day I invented. It better defines the ambiguous period between afternoon and evening: prevening. Fairly certain it will catch on, as it fills a desperate need.
In a few minutes, when I gloat over the failure of this enterprise, how would you prefer I do it? The standard "I told you so" with a classic "neener-neener"? Or just my normal look of haughty derision?
Sheldon Cooper Quotations - Season 4
Sheldon gets a lot of the best lines on The Big Bang Theory. We've compiled some of his most memorable quotes from Season 4 below.
Season 4, Episode 1 (The Robotic Manipulation) I wouldn't say amazing. At best, it's a modest leap forward from the basic technology that gave us Country Bear Jamboree.
Oh, Amy‟s at the dry cleaners, and she's made a very amusing pun. "I don't care for perchloroethylene and I don't like glycol, ether."
Amy pointed out that between the two of us, our genetic material has the potential of producing the first in a line of intellectually superior benign overlords to guide humanity to a brighter tomorrow. I'm quite aware of the way humans usually reproduce, which is messy, unsanitary -- and, based on living next to you for three years --involves loud and unnecessary appeals to a deity.
Season 4, Episode 2 (The Cruciferous Vegetable It was Thanksgiving. Uncle Carl said Amplification) "I think there's a badger living in our chimney, hand me that flashlight." Those were the last words he ever spoke to us.
A dog-o-pus can play fetch with eight balls - no one can hate that.
This is delightful. It's much easier to enjoy the picturesque route we travel to work when you remove the spectre of fiery, vehicular death.
Season 4, Episode 3 (The Zazzy Substitution) I should have warned you. One has to navigate a labyrinth of social nonsense before one can be fed here.
May I point out that for eight long months I suffered in silence as your female companion filled our apartment with her off-key country music caterwauling, the unappetizing spectacle of her grinding a pumice stone against her callused feet in our living room, and night after night of uninformative TV documentaries about the Jersey shore.
Cats make wonderful companions, they don't argue or question my intellectual authority, and this little guy here, I think you'll find to be quite zazzy.
Season 4, Episode 4 (The Hot Troll Deviation) Well, if we lived in a world where slow-moving xenon produced light, then you'd be correct. Also pigs would fly, my derriere would produce cotton candy, and The Phantom Menace would be a timeless classic.
All right, I see what's going on. This is the opening salvo in what will be an escalating series of juvenile tit for tat exchanges. Well titted! Stand by for my upcoming tat.
Season 4, Episode 5 (The Desperation Emanation) I have a functioning and satisfying relationship with a female. You have none.
Jealousy is an ugly green eyed monster, not unlike the Hulk. Who by the way also has a girlfriend. In this iteration, Jennifer Connelly, who you may recall is the girlfriend of Russell Crowe in A Beautiful Mind, a feel-good romp if there ever was one.
Leonard, I'm a physicist, not a hippie. No worries. I explained my predicament to our letter carrier. He was sympathetic. His exact words were "got your back, Jack, bitches be crazy."
I assure you I'm quite real and I'm having regular intercourse with your daughter.
Season 4, Episode 6 (The Irish Pub Formulation) I always tell people if you only have one day in Los Angeles, make it a Train Day. The fun starts with brunch at Carney‟s in Studio City, a hot dog stand in a converted railroad dining car. Next stop, Travel Town, an outdoor museum featuring forty-three railroad engines, cars, and other rolling stock from the 1880's to the 1930's. Finally, we're off to the glitz and glamour of Hollywood for dinner at -- that's right -- the Hollywood Carney‟s, a hot dog stand in a different converted railroad dining car.
My sympathies. I'm no stranger to the crimson scourge that is dermatitis. Can I interest you in a topical steroid from my lotion and unguent collection?
For shame, Leonard, for shame. And to think I was ready to waste the last of my good hemorrhoid cream on you.
Season 4, Episode 7 (The Apology Insufficiency) You know, I try very hard to make our lunch hours educational and informative. But your insistence on talking about your own lives stymies me at every turn.
I doubt anyone would risk the stiff penalties for impersonating a Federal officer just to ask questions about a minor league engineer with an unresolved Oedipal complex.
If ifs and buts were candy and nuts, we'd all have a Merry Christmas.
I believe you were about to ask me to choose a cocktail. Fortunately, thanks to computer-savvy alcoholics, there's an app for that.
No, I love my mother. My feelings for my spot are much greater. It's the singular location in space around which revolves my entire universe.
Season 4, Episode 8 (The 21-Second Excitation) That‟s the work of noted Hollywood costume designer Deborah Nadoolman. She also designed the iconic red and black jacket in Michael Jackson‟s Thriller video, which I‟ve never viewed in its entirety, as I find zombies dancing in choreographed synchronicity implausible. Also, it‟s really scary.
Well, if it isn‟t Wil Wheaton, the Jar Jar Binks of the Star Trek universe.
No cuts, no buts, no coconuts.
Season 4, Episode 9 (The Boyfriend Complexity) As usual, you‟re all wrong. The bravest guy in the Marvel Universe is the doctor who gives Wolverine a prostate exam
You went out in the hallway, stumbled into an inter-dimensional portal, which brought you five thousand years into the future. There you took advantage of the advanced technology to build a time machine. Now you‟re back to bring us all with you to the year 7010 where we are transported to work at the Thinkatorium by telepathically controlled flying dolphins.
Leonard. Penny. Excellent. I would like to say I‟m very happy you‟re back together, and if I can figure out a way to do so and sound sincere, I will.
Season 4, Episode 10 (The Alien Parasite Hypothesis) Aren‟t you slicing that man‟s brain a little too thin?
Possible explanations for your symptoms are, in descending order of likelihood: hyperthyroidism, premature menopause, hosting an alien parasite, or, and I only include it for the sake of covering all the bases, sexual arousal.
Let me tell you why I‟m calling. I‟d like to know if you‟d be interested in having sex with Amy Farrah Fowler. Amy Farrah Fowler. Yes, that is a girl‟s name. Good grief, it‟s like trying to talk to a dolphin.
Season 4, Episode 11 (The Justice League Recombination) Yes, Infinite Sheldon defeats all other cards and does not violate the rule against home-made cards because I made it at work.
Milk Duds, with their self-depreciating name and remarkably mild flavor, are the most apologetic of the boxed candies.
Amy Farrah Fowler doesn‟t believe in wearing costumes. She isn‟t the free spirit I am.
Don‟t worry. Wonder Woman is an Amazon, and Amazons tend to be very beefy gals.
Season 4, Episode 12 (The Bus Pants Utilization) I won‟t say that all senior citizens who can‟t master technology should be publically flogged. But if we made an example of one or two, it might give the others incentive to try harder.
In that case, may I offer twenty- seven little tweeks to make it slightly less embarrassing?
Show of hands. All opposed to Leonard and his reign of tyranny?
Season 4, Episode 13 (The Love Car Experiment) Since we come in every Tuesday night at six o‟clock and order the same exact thing and it‟s now six-o-eight, I believe your question not only answers itself, but also stands alongside such other nonsensical queries as „Who let the dogs out?‟ and „How are they hanging?‟.
She made the case that if we break down in the middle of nowhere, your Nebraska backwoods skills and brawny hands would give us the best chance to survive in the wild.
I am Doctor Sheldon Cooper, BS, MS, MA, Phd, and SCD. OMG, right? ... Perhaps that joke was a little too hippy-dippy for this crowd.
Season 4, Episode 14 (The Thespian Catalyst) Do you realize teaching is the first thing I‟ve failed at since my ill-fated attempt to complete a chin-up in March of 1989?
It might help if I „act‟ as though I care about my students and whether or not they learn.
Penny, my body and I have a relationship that works best when we maintain a cool, wary distance from each other.
Season 4, Episode 15 (The Benefactor Factor) ... I refuse to be trotted out and shown off like a prize hog at the Texas State Fair. Which by the way, is something you don‟t want to attend wearing a Star Trek ensign‟s uniform.
No, no, no! I‟m just here for your money. I don‟t want to shake anybody‟s germy hands!
If there is simply no talking to me, why did you call?
Penny, you‟re an expert at trading sexual favors for material gain – walk him through this.
Season 4, Episode 16 (The Cohabitation Formulation) Leonard, social protocol states when a friend is upset you offer them a hot beverage, such as tea.
Just keep in mind, if you ever need a slightly apathetic tertiary friend, I stand at the ready.
Priya, if you‟re experiencing any tension or awkwardness, it may stem from the fact that Leonard and Penny used to, if I may quote Howard, 'do the dance with no pants.'
Season 4, Episode 17 (The Toast Derivation) At one point, Raj put on reggae music and his sister took off her shoes. It was like the last days of Caligula.
I‟m Sheldon. For regular readers of the New England Journal of High Energy Physics, I need no introduction. If you‟re not familiar with that publication, there‟s a free copy in your goodie bag.
I had to leave. They were having fun wrong.
Real chili doesn‟t have beans in it. But you‟re from a foreign land, so your ignorance is forgiven.
Season 4, Episode 18 (The Prestidigitation Approximation) Howard, if I might interject here with a bit of friendly advice, is working on magic tricks really how you want to spend your time? Granted you‟re just an engineer, but that doesn‟t mean that someday you might not build a geegaw or thingamabob that may get you a thank you in someone else‟s Nobel Prize acceptance speech.
“Not knowing is part of the fun?” Was that the motto of your community college?
Where am I going to find some Uranium 235 at this time of night? Come on Craigslist...
Apparently you can‟t hack into a government supercomputer and try and buy uranium without the Department of Homeland Security tattling to your mother.
Season 4, Episode 19 (The Zarnecki Incursion) They took my battle ostrich!
Three thousand hours. Three thousand hours clicking on that mouse, collecting weapons and gold. It‟s almost as though it was a huge waste of time.
There isn‟t enough chamomile tea in the world to quell the rage in my heart.
We are winged fury! Which is still no excuse for going over the posted speed limit.
Season 4, Episode 20 (The Herb Garden Germination) Wait 'til you hear how he dumbs down Werner-Eisenberg for the crowd. You may actually believe you‟re in a comedy club.
My father taught me archery as a child. It‟s odd how the activity brings back the smell of K-Mart bourbon.
If you don‟t mind, I‟d like to stop listening to you and start talking.
Look at you, getting me to engage in the social sciences. You‟re a vixen, Amy Farrah Fowler.
I must say, Amy, pretending to have intercourse with you has given me a great deal of satisfaction.
Season 4, Episode 21 (The Agreement Dissection) You may have gone to Cambridge, but I'm an honorary graduate of Starfleet Academy.
And what a civilization is the Greeks'. They gave us science, democracy and little cubes of charred meat that taste like sweat.
In the South, pre-adolescent children are forced through a process called Cotillion, which indoctrinates them with all the social graces and dance skills needed to function in eighteenth century Vienna.
It‟s hard to say no to Yoo-hoo. The name literally beckons.
Ah, memory impairment. The free prize at the bottom of every vodka bottle.