“No Deal” Tom Benyon obe

Canterbury to Oxford — Summer 2019

Reg Charity No 1112949

Dear Reader British journalist Rod Liddle once asked former Rhodesian prime minister Ian Smith what he thought would happen if Mugabe became leader of Zimbabwe. “He will be there for 30 years and murder or imprison all his opponents,” Smith replied. In an age where forecasts are usually awry, Smith’s was spot on. People ask why nothing has changed for the better in Zimbabwe now that Mugabe is gone? The reason is simple. Mugabe’s cronies – responsible for the murders, chronic mismanagement and state theft that took place under their leader’s watch – are still in power. If they concede an election, they know they could end up facing charges of genocide. Today, there are about 3,000 people running the country. They have enriched themselves at the expense of the people who now look to ZANE for their survival. Chronic inflation is back as Zimbabwe’s economic crisis deepens. Many basic foods have become rare luxuries: most people have long since stopped buying milk, cheese, yoghurt, meat and fruit. ZANE cares for pensioners, including veterans and their widows, who are facing water shortages, major food shortages, 18-hour daily electricity cuts and relentless fuel queues. Life in Zimbabwe towards the end of 2019 has never been bleaker. That is why Jane and I, together with our dog, Moses, walked from Canterbury to Oxford. We walked to advertise the plight of those who have no one other than ZANE to turn to. We walked because your kindness enables ZANE’s loyal workers to provide aid, love and comfort to those who need it most. We walked because the people supported by ZANE and your generosity need our help. I hope you enjoy reading this walk commentary, which for the first time includes Jane’s contribution. If you have already sponsored us, thank you. Your donation is already assisting those who need it most. If you haven’t, please do so. With best wishes

Tom Benyon obe PS: Please note that the publication and distribution costs of this booklet are covered many times over by supporter sponsorship.

1 Where appropriate, the names of walkers and hosts have been changed to protect confidentiality.

OXFORD

BRIGHTWELL-cum-SOTWELL

CHAZEY HEATH

BARKHAM

MYTCHETT CANTERBURY GUILDFORD

WYE WOTTON CHARLWOOD GROOMBRIDGE BETHERSDEN FELBRIDGE SISSINGHURST HOOK GREEN Canterbury to Oxford 28 August to 11 September

START Canterbury Cathedral Thu 5 Sept Wotton, Dorking Date Finish Points Fri 6 Sept Guildford Cathedral Wed 28 Aug Wye, Ashford Sat 7 Sept Mytchett, Camberley Thu 29 Aug Bethersden, Ashford Sun 8 Sept Barkham, Reading Fri 30 Aug Sissinghurst, Cranbrook Mon 9 Sept Chazey Heath, Reading Sat 31 Aug Hook Green, Royal Tunbridge Wells Tue 10 Sept Brightwell-cum-Sotwell, Sun 1 Sept Groombridge Wallingford Mon 2 Sept Gatwick, East Grinstead Wed 11 Sept Christ Church Cathedral, Oxford Tue 3 Sept Charlwood, Horley FINISH Wed 4 Sept DAY OFF

On completion of this walk, Tom and Jane have walked over 2,550 miles for the frail, destitute and helpless in Zimbabwe.

2 27 August, The Day Before “No Deal” Zimbabwe

A quick check list: toenails trimmed, what’s a few hundred miles among new(ish) hips in place, one half-new friends? All it takes is imagination! knee doing its job, a steroid injection What’s It All About? to prevent pain in my antique-road- show back, creamed feet and plenty of Why are we walking yet again? Well, “Compeed” to avoid blisters. talk about a cliff edge – because Zimbabwe has been thrown right off it. I have new sunglasses, assorted hats, Leki walking sticks – and the Long-standing ZANE supporters best boots ever invented, made by will know that each year I claim that Meindl. This pair has lasted two ZANE conditions in Zimbabwe couldn’t get walks already. Of course, they are any worse – and each year, they do get manufactured in Germany – they’re worse. We walk to remind everyone so well made, I wonder how on earth that Zimbabwe is in a terminal state Germany lost the war? caused by gross incompetence and corruption. Its government is run Great Aunt Daisy used to say, “I can’t by about 3,000 rich people, who afford to buy anything but the best”. really couldn’t care if the rest of the Of course, she was right, for all my people starve. For many years, the cheaper boots were more or less government has simply not paid its rubbish. As the great Bernard Levin debts so it’s hardly surprising that used to say, “Write, ‘There’s no such the World Bank, the International thing as a bargain’ on your mirror each Monetary Fund, the EU and so on day and remember it.” He would have refuse to bail them out. got on well with Daisy. For so many of the poor, ZANE is Small World their only hope of survival. The Mafia I discussed ZANE’s walks with Rory government has turned the bread Stewart recently when he was the basket of Africa into a racist beggar’s Secretary of State for DfID (for about bowl. There is no healthcare and no a month). He’s an excellent chap and NHS; and unemployment is at 95 per has agreed to walk for ZANE when cent while inflation is currently at he is not plotting to bring down “No 500 per cent. The bulk of the young, deal ”. All I have to do is pop up strong and well-educated have fled to to Penrith sometime. I told him I was Australia and the UK, leaving the less sure ZANE supporters will understand able and old behind. my starting the ZANE walk from So we walk. Looking after the Canterbury to Oxford from Penrith – poor is what ZANE is about. for it’s a small world these days, and

3 Please Understand… Please also remember that the views … that many of my blog items are contained in this commentary are written late in the evening when I am mine, and mine alone. They don’t tired. I am centre-right in my views, represent the views of any of those and if you don’t agree with me then who work for ZANE or the trustees’ that’s fine – but do go on reading! body. Can I also make the point that I try not to make party political the printed version of this commentary points but sometimes I can’t resist is not an indulgence on my part, but the odd comment. Please take note, generates far more revenue than the though: I have been as critical of the cost of printing and dispatch. Conservatives in recent years as of And last but not least, if you have any other party! As Boris recently already sponsored us, thank you. And said, “What a mess!” Whatever if not, please do so! you may think of him, that was an understatement.

4 28 August, Day 1: Canterbury to Wye Here We Go Again

We set off from Canterbury Cathedral. started all over again. Jonathan Aitken Present were my wife, Jane; my eldest and daughter Alexandria were kind – daughter, the Revd Clare Hayns but then what could they do? I am sure (chaplain of Christ Church, Oxford) they were privately wondering how on and her son Daniel; Alannah Jeune, a earth we have managed to walk over PhD student from New Zealand; the 2,000 miles around the UK whilst Revd Jonathan Aitken with some of remaining sane and together! his family; and ZANE trustee Georgie Tom’s Big Five Knaggs with her son Ed. Blog readers will recall that the only Alannah is an accomplished trumpet topics I ever discuss are sex, politics, player and played a fine voluntary to religion, money and death. As you see us on our way. Then chaos ensued know, these happy subjects have as teething problems with the new focused my attention for years. You handheld GPS meant that we set off may think this is a shade limited – four miles in the wrong direction. but can I remind you it’s a little more Boom! Who was the guilty party, who adventurous than the poet Yeats, was to blame? whose conversation was limited only We crawled back to the centre and to sex and death.

5 However, I am pleased to announce garages along the south coast? I’ve added some further subjects to my Have a Great Day! repertoire. These interest me because they have been banned as topics that “Have a marvellous evening,” the are “too hot to handle” by various book garage lady enthused. As I staggered publishers – who despite wanting to away, I unpacked exactly what she had make a living also desire a quiet life! said. These subjects (my thanks to author It was midnight, a Sunday in freezing Lionel Shriver) are gender, race, and sleeting February, and there I immigration, disability, social class, was, an old man from central casting obesity and Islam. playing King Lear. I was unshaven, All are banned. But not here! I will, of limping from an ingrowing toenail, course, try to cover them as vigorously and my hair, such as it is these days, as possible in this blog. So let’s get was awry. I was sporting an old stuck in! pyjama top and my tattered gardening Bilking trousers. It’s good to have dear Markus driving Our dog had escaped into the woods for us again. I am reminded that a with another hound and Jane and I week after the end of his first stint were convinced he was savaging sheep. as driver, the police called in at my So come midnight, I was touring Oxford home. the area and yelling his name at the uncaring stars when I realised the car “You have been accused of ‘bilking’ was running out of diesel. Sir.” “Really, gosh! What on earth is What sort of marvellous evening did bilking?” the good lady think I was about to have? A musical soiree, perhaps? A The cop told me that bilking is driving visit to one of my local mistresses? Or off without paying for petrol. Amazed, maybe she thought I was about to go I searched my diary and learned that clubbing? the alleged offence occurred on the first day of the walk, and Markus’ first- Is there any end to the daftness and ever day in the UK. insincerity of the blandishments of I explained to the policeman about the complete strangers these days? walk and how I expected the driver to “Your call is important to us,” really pay the petrol bills. So clearly I had not means that they couldn’t give a explained this properly to Markus. stuff. “Sadly we can’t give you a “Where does he live?” refund,” means there is nothing sad “!” about it – much like, “We regret the inconvenience to the public, but we That was the end of the case. But I have no alternative but to take strike sometimes wonder if my mugshot action!” is still being paraded as a “bilker” in

6 Before each jumbo walk, I have an MOT to see if anything is likely to fall off on the journey. So it was off to the Churchill Hospital in Oxford. It was a lovely day to think about the meaning of life and the generosity of ZANE supporters. In a trance, I shunted the car into a space only to find that the Churchill car parks are apparently the only ones in Oxford that don’t accept card payments! Cursing, I headed off to the nearest cashpoint, then back to the car park. I fed the meter and staggered towards a hospital door. Directions came from a passing male nurse who was clearly suffering from ghastly halitosis: he Or what about that old chestnut, shuffled up close and muttered, “Up “Sorry to keep you waiting, but we three flights of stairs, down three are experiencing an unusually high corridors, turn left, then right, back volume of calls at the present time”? down another flight of stairs, up Of course, this means the company is another flight, then second door on deliberately understaffed and you are the right.” By this time, his breath was going to have to hang on or piss off. undoing my tie. Meanwhile, “You will receive care in If Bojo is serious about funding the the community” translates as, “You’re NHS – now the only god the public on your own, my friend” while “I hear cares about (the NHS, not Bojo) – he you!” actually means, “I have long might consider spending cash on since stopped listening!” having the walls painted. Then what In many restaurants and shops, the about renewing the chipped and staff still end conversations by saying, clapped-out linoleum? “No worries”, whatever that might At last, I was in the right place. mean, or “Have a nice dayee!” I find Competent and friendly nurses it’s best to answer, “Sorry, but I’ve X-rayed my right knee – the only made other plans.” Or when I’m told to remaining joint still 100 per cent Tom “take care”, I try offering some sensible Benyon. advice: “No, just take a risk!” Then it was back to the reception: Lost and Found “Please, where’s the car park?” Readers beware: if you hold me in high “Which one? There are six!” regard, please stop reading!

7 Pride prevented me from saying, “Sorry, I’m a total fool… in which one did I leave the car?” How could they know! They gave me a map that looked like the London Underground and I tottered round all the car parks looking for my tatty, black car. All the parks seemed to be crowded with tatty, black cars. It took me 40 minutes: there it was, lurking in the fourth park. Each time I muddle over where on earth I’ve left my car, I promise that next time I will take careful note of its precise position. I swear to be practical and stop thinking beautiful thoughts. But my poetic nature wins through each time.

29 August, Day 2: Wye to Bethersden Staying Alive

Today we were blessed with low I can’t help wondering if, as we age, humidity and clear skies: it’s been one our natural resistance to life’s ghastlies of those peerless days when you’re – cancer, tumours and the rest of the conscious that it’s great to be alive. feast of life’s horrors – grows thinner, leaving us ever more vulnerable as The late Sir once time marches on? said that if you’re over 65 and you wake up without hurting somewhere, On the other hand, there’s not a thing it means you’re dead! That said, to be done about it, Tom – so stop resolutely walking through my aches being so morbid! One day, you will and pains validates my pet theory that shuffle off this mortal coil and that by keeping going, they fade. will be that. It’s not “if” but “when”.

8 The room temperature crashed to at least zero. Ann’s then husband – notoriously as faithful as a tomcat – blushed a deep vermillion and weakly grinned. Or perhaps it was an attack of indigestion. Many guests stared fixedly at their shoes and wished they were in Acapulco, wherever that may be. Well, however unfashionable this attitude may be today, perhaps Ann had a point worth addressing? Of course, nowadays – since, I suppose, the Clinton saga – we are supposed to have become more What on earth does it matter, anyway? “liberal”, whatever that may mean. I have spent a full life surrounded Well, we may be more liberal, but does by loving family and friends with this detract from the validity of Ann’s the three vital blessings of a rich life point? And since Boris now occupies fulfilled: a battle to fight, a maiden to centre stage, perhaps we should woo and a cause bigger than myself to address it. Is it good enough to say that live for. It is not everyone that can say as Nelson, Wellington, Palmerston, that. I am a fortunate man. Eton Mess I remember the occasion clearly… it was just after Edwina Currie shamelessly announced that she’d once had a run-in with . Our party was seated for lunch when barrister Ann Mallalieu, a Labour peer – and in her loudest upper-crust voice too – announced that anyone who was unfaithful to his wife couldn’t be trusted in public life. “If you have lied to the person you know intimately and who trusts you, and to whom you have solemnly pledged fidelity in front of witnesses,” she proclaimed, “then why should members of the public, whom you have never met, believe a single word you say?”

9 Lloyd George and JFK were all at If either had been alone, my instinct it like stoats in a sack, there’s no would have been to feel sorry for question to answer? them. But one thing changed all that, a powerful transforming thing. They Of course, it’s not true that all were clearly in love. Not just the “keen politicians are as randy as Weinstein on”, “going out” or “seeing each other” on steroids. But does the fact that type of love, but the real McCoy! They Boris is a serial fornicator matter? swooned together, clearly fascinated His second marriage has been cast by one another, and were totally onto the tip, and there’s been many a oblivious to me – or anyone else. glancing blow as he’s charged along. He’s now onto the third “permanent” lady in his life. Of course, he’s a superb writer and speechifier, and he was a competent mayor of London… but do you honestly believe him? Do his colourful infidelities affect your view of him as prime minister? My view is that it probably doesn’t matter, but I’d rather not know about it.

Odd Couple We were in a greasy spoon cafe on London’s South Circular and they were sitting in a far corner. They were probably in their twenties. Both were rather overweight. She had a spotty, misshapen moon face that, if you were For the hour I sat there, they traded a painter, you would want to scrub out with each other using their eyes more and start again. Her body was shaped than words. There was a tenderness like a Swiss roll – you had to study that excluded all of us as they created hard to identify even a gesture of a their own special world. They were a waist. Her hair was purple with black couple who, in the face of all the aridity roots, her eyes behind thick glasses a and disenchantment we suffer daily in watery blue. The teeth were Himalayan our cynical old lives, were proving that crooked. love is as perennial as the grass. This As for the woman’s companion, he made them beautiful. They were short- had a thick neck and a shaved head. changed on physical allure certainly, A beer belly hung over his jeans, and but their love made them just a little his hands and wrists were heavily lower than the angels. tattooed.

10 Of course, they were certainly unaware struggle to generate any material cash that behind my map I was lifting my from the public. So what’s going on? stained coffee cup to my lips and I guess there are millions of lonely toasting them. people out there: people who have Donkeys and Cats been bruised in love, and rejected in I read that a charity supporting family and work relationships to the donkeys generates £34m per year, and degree they have been reduced to another supporting cats raises £45m meeting their emotional needs through per year! Per year! animals. Hence, when they die, leaving their fortunes to charities that care for I like both donkeys and cats, but this cats and donkeys seems obvious: they is surely extraordinary. Our partner, are the only living things that have RCEL – who look after 8,000 starving never betrayed them. Probably true – veterans across the Commonwealth and very, very sad. who have served the Crown – find it a

11 30 August, Day 3: Bethersden to Sissinghurst Island Story

A beautiful walk to Sissinghurst took It was the home of Pam and us miles through Hemsted Wood, Humphrey Scott Plummer, Jane’s where, dappled and mysterious, you parents. The Scott Plummer family would expect to see Robin Hood still live there. Pam and Humphrey fighting with the Sheriff of Nottingham were a warm and loving couple, and at any time. Then we came to “Rogers they welcomed me into their Borders Wood”, where the missing apostrophe life and home with trust and great jars with me. kindliness a lifetime ago. A Borders Love Affair They were a core part of an old Into my heart an air that kills established farming community. From yon far country blows: The key word here is “community”. What are those blue It’s a world of farming and cattle remembered hills auctions, where hunting is understood What spires, what farms and loved: a place of fishing and are those? shooting, horse and dog shows, and of gardening, quiet country pursuits That is the land of lost content, and simple enjoyments that have been I see it shining plain, the enduring melody of the Borders The happy highways where I went for generations. Horse and Hound And cannot come again. is read and savoured just as much as AE Housman’s “A Shropshire Lad” . Some people there are sums up a love affair for me. probably prodigiously rich, others The Germans have a word for what make do with little – but no one really I feel: sensucht. It’s an emotion with cares. If you fit in, you are accepted. transcendent qualities. Most people It’s no surprise that so many of the will recall a place where they were young leave the Madding Crowd of the truly happy, a place where they felt south and return home to a cleaner secure and contented. For me it’s the and more peaceful way of life. Scottish Borders, a place where time The word “gentlefolk” sums up Pam stands still. Listen to just a couple and Humphrey. I mourn their passing of place names from there – “Eildon to this day. Hills”, “Easter Softlaw” – and you can see why. Scots Free? I hear that Ruth Davidson has I never lived there – although my Jane resigned from the leadership of the was brought up near Kelso – but I have Conservative party in Scotland. Sad, always felt at home there.

12 it’s yet another example of the gulf Slanted View between mothers and fathers. In my “British history shows what a experience, many women’s priorities disgraceful people we are”, she change when they get “mumsie”, but I wittered with the finality of a 19-year- know of no example of a man putting old. “Our past is full of vicious, selfish his career on hold because his wife wars … then there is the story of has had a baby! I know, of course, that slavery. We should hang our heads in fathers play a more substantial role shame!” today with their children and that is a good thing. I also know that men can She had that look so much favoured by demand paternity leave to help look the left, by those on Corbyn’s after their newborn. But I am sure that moral high ground: the look that says, men who run their own businesses “Don’t even dare to disagree with me, can’t possibly afford such a luxury, so or you’ll soon find out you’re beneath paternity leave is pretty much limited contempt and not even worth arguing to those working in the public service with!” and charities. So, dear ZANE reader, I shut up. After Hate Crime all, she was only an elderly child and I suppose if you can’t blither lefty I served as a lance corporal stationed nonsense when you’re that age, when in Fort George with the Queens’s can you? Own Cameron Highlanders and, as a privately educated Englishman, I know She thought the British empire was a something about the visceral loathing wicked conspiracy against the world’s – “Hey Jimmy, are you looking at most vulnerable people and that we me?!” – of many Scots towards the mercilessly pillaged and exploited at English. But I managed to survive well will – instead of a mix of good and not enough. so good, which is usually the case in all human endeavour. Of course, we So, I think I know why the SNP made dreadful mistakes, but she was are keen to keep Scotland tied to unaware that we also built hospitals, the European Union, where they railways, schools and universities – the will suffer material democratic infrastructure the colonies needed to consequences, and yet want to sever develop. She wasn’t aware we built the ties with England and wreck our an admirable civil service and police ancient and very successful union. forces; that we taught aspirations of Why? It makes no sense until you freedom, justice and human dignity; recognise the history of Bannockburn, or that we introduced humanitarian Cromwell, Culloden and all the rest. ideals from the likes of Livingstone I think the SNP and their supporters and the basic values of honesty, actually hate the English. Otherwise, democracy and the rule of law. why do they want to wreck the Union? Maybe they are guilty of a crime?

13 didn’t ‘do’ history”. But all this is general knowledge: everyone should know the basic facts about our island story, it should be rooted in our DNA! If I were her parents, I would be asking for my money back. I am proud of the empire Britain built and what our forebears managed to achieve. Our children, the future youthful ambassadors for the UK, should raise their heads from Twitter and Facebook, and gently remind their friends in other countries of the truth about British history. Then they can play their vital part in building a diverse, tolerant and dynamic country that, once again, can be the envy of the world. Dead Funny All she seemed to know about were the Baroness Park, a former errors. She went to a leading public principal of Oxford’s Somerville school for at least eight years and I College, told the story of an couldn’t help wondering what exactly octogenarian baroness holding forth in her parents thought they had bought a House of Lords tearoom. with their money. For example, she had no historic perspective or real “The trouble of being my age is that knowledge of the history of slavery or all the men I have slept with are the role of our churches. She hardly now dead,” the formidable woman knew who Wilberforce was or what he declared. did. She had dimly heard of Churchill There was stony silence and then a and only vaguely knew what the last shaky hand was raised by an old man two world wars were about. Nor did at the end of the table. “Hang on! What she have any appreciation of how about me?” he asked. ignorant she really was. Who had “taught” her and what did they think The baroness reached for her glasses they were teaching? I suppose her and stared at him before announcing, excuse might be, “I forgot to ask” or “I “Sorry, I thought you were dead.”

14 31 August, Day 4: Sissinghurst to Hook Green Dog’s Gratitude

Another early start with Cromwell’s I recall the late Michael Mayne, prayer on my mind: Please God, this Dean of Westminster, saying that he day remember me, even if I forget thought services should appeal to all thee … the senses. There should be drama, a pleasing use of space, beautiful music, I’m afraid it’s a prayer I have to say the sight of lovely vestments, soaring rather often these days! choir voices and the scent of incense Intolerance to create a sense of awe. He told me It’s bleakly depressing how divided how he loathed the scruffiness and and intolerant our churches can be. informality that plague other churches For example, some vicars are against so that they too closely represent the vestments; they bridle at the sight secular world. of gowns and processions, or choir When all’s said and done, we are members in bibs and tuckers – and all different – and it’s important we claim that all this is unbiblical and remember this! divides them from the people. That may be true to some degree. However, Good Grief what about those parishioners who We read that a precocious Swedish dislike the sight of vicars dressed in child called Greta Thunberg has made jeans, jerseys and T-shirts looking a speech berating politicians for failing like shelf stackers at Aldi? Some to “even mention” climate change. This churchgoers dislike praise songs and child encouraged a vast number of kids tambourines; others seem to loathe in the UK to take a day off school and plainsong and anthems. A balance has bleat the same nonsense to us all. to be struck. The result was that teachers had to I dislike this intolerance: why on earth “catch up” the children who were does it matter provided Christ is at absent – the whole exercise was a total the centre? Some people want to go to nuisance. In spite of this, the head cathedral- services and be taken teacher’s union (NAHT) apparently out of themselves so they can sit at gave this nonsense their blessing by the back and listen, think and pray in announcing, “A day of activity like this their own time and solitude. They may could be an important life experience.” dislike being sandbagged by displays Was this wise? It wasn’t just a single of enthusiasm and Alpha courses, day of activity, it was one of many or the sense of being “got at”. Other planned by the organisers. What will worshippers want exactly this! happen when this crowd of spotty

15 adolescents all start to campaign for Biting the Hand … other issues, for example to lower the Some time ago, when I was at a party age of voting to, say, 16? No one wants at a country club, I heard a splash and to discourage the little darlings. Well I saw an elderly Second World War do for starters. veteran I knew leap into the water Thunberg’s message is always the fully clothed. At first I thought he was same: “Adults are doing nothing to drunk until I saw that he had a little combat climate change.” She is not boy in his arms. The lad had been saying they are not doing enough, she drowning quietly just outside his depth claims they are not doing anything. until someone had shouted for help: This is a wild exaggeration. This child this old boy was the speediest person must have been brought up on planet to act. ZARB. What she is parroting is false. I recall two things about the incident. Every nation in the world signed up One was the veteran’s attitude: “No for the Kyoto Protocol in 1997, and fuss; anyone could have done it!” to 174 states signed the Paris Agreement those who sought to congratulate him in 2016. As a result, numerous on his action. That was absolutely in government initiatives have been character. The second thing was the taken to reduce emissions including glare of undiluted rage and hatred the Climate Change Levy in the UK, from the little boy’s father who should which increased in April. And in have been paying attention and who Oxford – where I live – they seem to had instead been boozing and joking talk of little else. with his friends. That look says a lot It’s manifestly obvious that the mass of about human nature. blinkered children are being fed “fake One major sadness apparent in the news” by this infant activist. Shouldn’t Brexit “negotiations” is the appalling NAHT be encouraging members to way in which we have been treated by teach children the difference between the EU imperial class. exaggeration and real news? Their cynicism was exposed in the BBC If teenage tots have time to spare, fly-on-the-wall documentary Brexit: they might pick up litter or read some Behind Closed Doors in which we hear improving literature. They might also the private conversations between the learn that they would do us all a favour EU negotiators as they mock our UK simply by shutting up. The Victorian team. command that children should be Guy Verhofstadt and Michel Barnier “seen and not heard” wasn’t altogether drink a celebratory toast and say without merit. gleefully: “They’re stuck! They’re going The fact that so many people have nowhere … we got rid of them. We been taken in by Thunberg makes me kicked them out. We finally turned want to raise the voting age to 21. them into a colony and that was our plan from the first moment.”

16 Sad when you come to reflect that if it It was not until I saw a Spanish hadn’t been for our courageous actions proverb that I understood: “Why do in 1940, all EU members would have you dislike me so much? What favours been German colonies. have I ever done you!” The only tangible thanks for our It’s best summed up by former US immense service is the present of an president Harry S. Truman: “You want annual Christmas tree from Norway. a friend in Washington? Get a dog.” And Norway isn’t even a member of the EU!

1 September, Day 5: Hook Green to Groombridge The Way of All Flesh

Another matchless day: fast walking of Scunthorpe – we are wandering through fields of hops and vines through Arcadia, the most beautiful carried us swiftly towards Tunbridge countryside that God ever made, Wells. The only hazards were long, anywhere. slow hills that seemed never to stop I see Matthew Parris is all set to walk but gently wound towards an unforgiving in the Hindu Kush in Pakistan. Why sky. All we could do was plod, one foot are you bothering, Matthew, when this at a time, gently cursing as we went. deserted paradise is not more than an I have travelled right around the hour from London and begging to be world, and I can honestly say that enjoyed? nowhere is more beautiful than Britain A Long Game between May and October. Yet in five days of walking, we have barely seen In 2005, former prime minster another soul. Of course, there are a Ted Heath was buried in Salisbury few people taking their dogs out for a Cathedral. In 1997, former minister poo, but we have seen no real walkers. was buried in his And please note that we are not in brigadier’s uniform in a Warwick the industrial midlands or the centre cemetery.

17 They were both Conservative ash; and what Powell fervently hoped politicians and implacable opponents. for will have come to pass. In 1968, Enoch Powell lost his Politics can be a long game. ministerial career having been sacked by Ted Heath for making an allegedly Altered Reality inflammatory “rivers of blood” speech I have a friend, David, whose marriage about immigration. has failed brutally. He found himself Some six years later, mainly on out of the door with his luggage and grounds of sovereignty, Powell a divorce petition in his hand. He announced his refusal to contest his couldn’t see it coming and he was Wolverhampton seat for the Tories shattered. He was too close to the because Heath was applying for emotional hiatus and unable to see membership of what is now the EU. straight. Not only that, in the November 1974 Of course, the initial casualty was his general election, Powell recommended pride and confidence, which sank to that Conservative supporters an all-time low. Then he found to his should vote Labour because of that astonishment that he was the target of party’s implacable opposition to EU considerable abuse from his erstwhile membership. wife, Sarah, and her large family – who I contested the 1974 election for the had apparently disliked him from the Conservative cause against prime outset. He heard he had been labelled minster Harold Wilson, and I can a bully and all sorts of unpleasant vividly recall the vast row Powell’s criticism followed. actions caused at the time. The family convinced themselves they Then Powell tirelessly campaigned were rescuing poor, vulnerable Sarah against the membership referendum from the death of a thousand miseries. called in 1975 by the wily Wilson and When I had a drink with David, he was he continued to protest after the result wondering if the criticisms were true. was known. He forecast that one day the UK would come to its senses and Of course, he had made all sorts of we would depart. mistakes – we all do. But I know him to be a loving and kindly man who It has looked ever since as if Heath had been doing his best to be a good won hands down and Powell’s failed husband. I had watched him tenderly campaigns against EU membership nurse his first wife through her would become a mere historical terminal illness. So he was no marital footnote. bully or adulterer. We may leave the EU. If that happens, I tried to give David an insight into Heath’s life’s work, so carefully relationships, for I have had several planned and built, will have turned to

18 friends whose marriages have gone him behind his back, and always the way of all flesh. In each case, there suspicious of his motives in marrying was roughly the same pattern. As an well-to-do Mary. example, one of my Welsh friends, But there is Hugh, an ordinary, kindly Hugh, married a saintly woman, man, and none of the nasty things Mary, in high society. After 20 or so Mary has said about him is true. years and three children, she met someone else and wanted to be free. Amazing Grace She knew herself to be a good, faithful After hearing this sorry tale, David and decent woman and so in order to asked me what he should do about his retain this good opinion of herself she own situation. I told him he had to had to alter reality. forgive Sarah and her abusive family. The only way Mary could do this was Otherwise he would destroy himself, in her mind – and she harangued for bitterness corrodes the soul. anyone who would listen that Hugh Then he must rely on GRACE. was an insensitive and unloving man. He was a total shit, she 100 per cent When Jonathan Aitken was found innocent – and the more contumely guilty of perjury, the world media she was able to cast on him, the became hysterical in its condemnation. better she felt about what she had He was facing bankruptcy and jail, done. To live up to the myth, she his career was over, and then his refused to speak to him and when family collapsed. Jonathan sought the they met at weddings or funerals, she counsel of a priest, Fr Gerard Hughes. avoided him like the plague. A year After Jonathan had poured out his ago, their 50-year-old son died from ghastly tale of woe, Hughes asked him, cancer – even after that, Mary refused “Have you thought of thanking God for to console poor Hugh or allow any your problems?” sharing of grief. Jonathan was outraged and initially Altering reality by one spouse to blame thought he was being mocked; but the other – in order to justify their after a time, he realised this was errant behaviour – happens time and golden wisdom. We all have to redeem time again. the things that go wrong in our lives. Churchill said that his father told him So, Mary managed to convince when he was a child that “a man who herself that she is a kind, loving and can’t take a knock-down blow isn’t upright person, and she conveniently worth a damn.” He claimed it was “forgot” all of Hugh’s many excellent “quite a healthy process”. I have to qualities. He has been cast in the role agree. of bullying, sponging rotter. And her family was always there, criticising

19 So David must pick himself up, dust A constituent then stuck up her hand himself down and start all over again. to ask whether I could stop people There is no other way. And who knows urinating in her lift as it was starting to what the future may hold, especially as smell? a wounded healer? “On reflection,” I replied, “I don’t think Out in the Cold I can.” Years ago, when I contested Wood “Well,” said the woman, “if you can’t Green in London for the Conservative stop people pissing in the lift, how can cause, I was speaking at a meeting and you expect me to believe you can stop boasting about all I could do if I was the Cold War?” elected as MP. I lost that seat by a mile. I concluded by saying that a new Conservative administration would work wonders by stopping the Cold War.

20 2 September, Day 6: Groombridge to East Grinstead Tsunami

We powered along ancient rail tracks Where Am I? into East Grinstead with General Jane I’m at a stage of the walk where I’ve leading the way. I have long since slept in so many houses that when I discovered that the simplest way for wake up, I have no idea where on earth me to walk in harmony with Jane is I am. I tell my hosts that if they find to do exactly as she instructs. There me wandering round their bedroom at is little point in arguing with High 3am, not to worry: I am just trying to Command, especially when she has the find a loo! map. Un-PC As for Jane, she has learned from years of practice to give me short thrift I wrote a bit in my last blog about whenever necessary. “Do stop arguing the problem of immigration and I and complaining,” she yells if she spots got quite a postbag, as was bound so much as a glimmer of backsliding. to happen. People are always edgy about discussing this issue because Jane’s most irritating phrase (usually they don’t want to be thought of as uttered after I have spent hours “politically incorrect”. I tell those plodding up a vast hill) is, “Oh bugga!” worrying about my imminent arrest This may be interpreted as, “We’ll from the thought police that I am have to back track half a mile as the old and more or less harmless, and sat nav’s gone haywire” (either that or so I need counselling rather than she’s misread the map). There is no Belmarsh. Counselling seems to be all point in complaining: I have to grin- the rage these days, so why not give it plod to the next turning and bear it a go? with as good a grace as I can muster. The Donald Effect In an earlier century, General Jane But I digress … so here goes. Good would have found fame by leading old Donald generates truly ghastly a group of distressed orphans publicity, but occasionally he raises over winding, snowy tracks in the issues that no one else dares discuss. Himalayas to save them from a fate He threatens to close US borders and worse than death. She is a truly call in the military to stop tens of courageous, wonderful, intrepid and thousands of illegal Mexican chancers immensely kind woman, and I am and would-be-asylum seekers from profoundly fortunate to have her in my crossing the Mexican/US border to life. settle illegally in the US. He did this in the sure knowledge that he was bound

21 to offend every liberal do-gooder and These would-be immigrants want to virtue signaller in the world all over raise their families in better homes and again. seek the chance of a decent job. They want to create a better life somewhere The image of millions of tearful women else. Of course, they all want to come holding screaming babies and insisting and live where we live – if the tables they can never return to their ghastly were turned, wouldn’t we? homeland is a vision of the future. They are all deserving folk who in the Trump tries to excuse his rhetoric by lottery of life have had the misfortune proclaiming these immigrants are to be born, for example, in a rat- “bad” people but of course he misses infested in Zimbabwe or some the point. There are bound to be some other poor African state. Or they come rotten apples amongst the immigrant from Honduras, Nicaragua, Guatemala throng, but the point is they are not or El Salvador. These places suffer “bad” people: they are just “people”. from high crime, and heroic levels of Which one of us, if broke, unemployed corruption and instability. Life for and living in chaotic and violent their inhabitants can be nasty, brutish conditions, would not try to move our and short. family over the border to a dreamland of milk and honey? In TV interviews, we see tearful families proclaiming they have travelled vast distances, fought through dreadful dangers, and suffered exploitation, robbery and rape. They are often well-educated, quietly spoken and worthy. All they want is a safe haven in which they can work hard and be good citizens. These interviews are often introduced by an indignant Jon Snow with some poor foreign office minister cowering and stammering uselessly in the background. Each immigrant has

22 a sad and deserving story to tell, and continent is prone to drought, climate our implacable government, clutching change, often terrible governance and its quotas, always sounds like a cold- seemingly never-ending wars. But hearted bastard. most Africans have mobile phones so they can see what the likes of leafy In each case, I say to myself, “This Basingstoke, Guildford and Edinburgh poor sod could be me!” are like. However, they are there, and Facing Facts – and of course they can’t If the test for entry to the UK was all come, can they? whether a person was a worthy human We face a vast problem. I reckon being, or came from a worse place than that the throngs of immigrants we here, then it’s a wrap, discussion over. have seen since 2015 are just the first We are nice people and so we have to lapping of the waves, for the tsunami let them in. All of them. Don’t we? is yet to come. You see, organised But the “right” conversation is assaults of people storming borders practically impossible. simultaneously have had astonishing success. Europe sits next to Africa – and Africa is forecast to have the world’s greatest So when the wised-up hopefuls all hit population explosion, with an extra 1.3 the Med in a Dunkirk flotilla of boats, billion people living there by 2050. The all setting off on the same afternoon

23 with synchronised watches, what will If we continue to face the issue of we do? This is bound to happen, and immigration as a matter of kindness soon. Just picture it. A tide of tens and sympathy rather than crude of thousands of decent people, all self-interest, then almost anyone weeping and waving their hands, all in can get in. need of food, clean water and peace, all Over the next few decades, we are holding crying babies, and all coming bound to be facing immigration over here in a vast flotilla. pressures, the like of which we have This will, I forecast, constitute a potent never seen before. How many more form of moral blackmail. Will navies “good” people do you want living in be able to use force to turn them your town or village? back? As they say in Northumberland, So, chaos or a hard heart? It’s one hell Gerraway! Can you really see liberal of a choice. societies tolerating the sight of soldiers and police shooting at boatloads of Either way, the left-wing media and unarmed women and children? Of Jon Snow and chums are bound to course not. love it.

3 September, Day 7: East Grinstead to Charlwood Is the Lady a Tramp?

We passed hundreds of villas, many their estate, should sport at least sporting new cars surely worth at least two acres of wild woodlands in their £60k. It amazes me that people can be gardens.” persuaded to spend that sort of money Today’s walk was a mix of scrubby on a car that is destined to depreciate fields leading towards a vast long- by thousands each year. It’s all about stay Gatwick car park. We fought to vanity, of course. Long ago, an MP told be heard above the roar of the M23, me, “The only sort of vehicle I approve a ghastly train line and the shrieking of is a car crusher.” I agree! planes that zoomed above every 20 The houses remind me of the great old seconds or so. We crossed a bridge Lord Rothschild, who once penned spanning the motorway and soon a book on gardens. To show how in found ourselves like a couple of touch he was with the aspirations of tiny ants dwarfed between the vast the ordinary citizen, he recommended, Southern and Northern terminals. “All Englishmen, no matter how mean Who could possibly want to live here?

24 Foreign Land But today, all the above is regarded as They say the past is a foreign country a ludicrous waste of time by the young. and they do things differently there. And perhaps they have a point? Why Nowhere is this truer than in the allow a lady to go through a door first matter of men’s manners towards when she may be after your job? women! The ZANE Lady I was taught as a child that if walking with a lady, I should always walk on In my last blog, I produced a checklist the street side to protect her from the for men to reassure them that they are mud thrown by passing cars. We were gentlemen. Now here are 20 rules to obliged to open doors to allow ladies guide women in the complicated area to pass first and to stand up if one of what makes a ZANE lady… entered a room. I was instructed to 1: She doesn’t take offence easily. offer a hand to help a lady out of a car (but not kiss her if she was wearing a 2: She happily carries her own hat), and offer up my seat on public luggage but accepts a man’s offer to transport to any damsel in need. And carry it gracefully. I was taught never to utter obscenities 3: She fends off unwanted passion or tell foul jokes in the presence of the with grace and ease. fairer sex.

25 4: She accepts compliments, even 19: She knows when to stop talking, from a silly old fool. and when she is about to leave a house, she will not change the 5: She knows that a single, explosive subject. swearword beats a torrent of obscenity. 20: She is kind to nervous men who read lists on how to be a 6: She can change a tyre (but is very gentleman. grateful when a man does it). Lefty = Lovely 7: She accepts that not everyone wants a cat pawing at them. Why does being “left-wing” supposedly indicate that you are a “good” person, 8: She will drape an elegant shawl to while being “right-wing” has come to cover herself while breastfeeding. mean that you are “morally inferior”? 9: She wears clothes tight enough It’s sheer nonsense. Where did this to show she is a woman but loose rubbish come from? enough to show she is a lady. My children’s friends occasionally 10: She will dress unobtrusively at virtue-signal about the iniquities funerals. of “right-wing” Tories on the presumption that their listeners will 11: She can hold a drink or two without shudder in preening horror. But falling over. then my fiercely supportive children 12: She never talks about house prices. respond that their father was once a Tory MP – and tell their friends that 13: She never applies make-up on a before blethering on about “extreme crowded train. right-wing Tories”, perhaps they 14: She tells adult godchildren how should state when they last set up a well they are doing, even if their food bank or a charity for the poor in lives are a total train crash. Africa? 15: She will give a 100-watt smile to a But, of course, being left-wing has nervous teenage boy to make his a positive gloss to it. We magic up day. in our mind’s eye kind folk who are principled, well-meaning champions of 16: She would never kiss and tell like social justice – people who care about the disgraceful Edwina Currie. others. 17: She always takes off her stiletto As for being “right-wing”, that means heels to spare the parquet floors of you are a swivel-eyed supporter of others. cutting taxes to the bone for the idle 18: She will pay a restaurant bill rich; you believe in cutting benefits to without making it obvious. the needy; and of course, you would cook your granny for tea if there was something in her will for you.

26 This whole business started because the left weaponised the conversation, and the media (BBC and ) have absorbed it too. They can assault their enemies with this nonsense from what they perceive to be the highest point of the moral high ground. As a result, at least half the population have no idea what to call themselves. Name Calling If you, dear ZANE supporter, believe in an efficient state; one that is well-defended and with a well-balanced budget, one that has generous provision for the genuine Of course, the description “extreme poor, and one that has controlled right wing” really means you are a immigration and well-defined law and supporter of Hitler. The proof of this is order – then here’s betting you have that Labour politicians wallow in the no idea what on earth to call yourself. label “left-wing” as a badge of honour. I cannot recall a single politician I am fed up with name-calling. The left proudly proclaiming on television that is full of “proto fascists” and the “right” he or she is right-wing. Nigel Farage is a dungeon to which the left consign is labelled extreme right-wing by his people they do not like – but it’s not a detractors as it’s a semi-polite way of place where any of us want to be. calling him a look-alike Trump bigot We need a new political language. and racist. What do ZANE supporters suggest? I Of course, Farage doesn’t call himself am a socially liberal and economically right-wing because he knows fine well inclined Conservative, so where do it’s a pejorative term. I sit on the spectrum? I have always thought I was a libertarian, in that All those ERG (European research I have always thought we should be group) MPs are habitually called allowed to do whatever we like as long “extreme right-wing” because they as it doesn’t hurt anyone – so where actually think the result of the 2016 does all this name-calling leave me? referendum should be honoured, that we must leave the EU. By lefty implication, roughly half the population is extreme right-wing. In reality, I reckon that most extremists are on the left.

27 4 September, Day 8: Rest Day Nanny State

We’re thankful for a day off. It isn’t too motorways and through factories, hard walking 12 miles in a day. The and swam straight across rivers. complication and frustrations arise She remained undeterred by private from finding our way across blocked houses, slamming through French paths and tracks that haven’t been doors and out of kitchens while used for years. And then there are families sat at lunch! Amazingly, she the sudden, unexpected and poorly lived to tell her tale. I rather envy her signposted forking paths – leaving us but I reckon my English reserve would with no idea of which way to go. betray me when faced with having to carve straight through the law courts Some years ago, an intrepid lady still in session. walked from Edinburgh to London as the crow flies. She charged across Calling on Churchill We visited Chartwell, Churchill’s country home. I wonder what he would have made of Brexit? What a mess! His grandson, Sir Nicholas Soames, thinks Churchill would have been a Remainer. I am not convinced. His love of the Commonwealth and the USA persuade me that even if he thought such a union right for Germany, France and the rest of the EU members, he would have refused continued membership for the UK if it meant us being subordinate to a super state run from Brussels.

28 The main difficulty is that Parliament knows what it doesn’t want but cannot agree on what it does want. We can’t stay and we daren’t leave. But unless we do leave, we run the real risk of making international fools of ourselves on an even grander scale than we already have. I reckon not even Churchill would have known what to do without a majority. Street Food It’s sad that the introduction of a dizzying number of childish fields and parks are filthy, probably rules and regulations is now the only the worst in Europe, simply because way in which anti-social behaviour people choose to use them as a stable. can be reduced in the UK. If people were taught to behave with reasonable You may think this is a trivial consideration for others, these rules observation, but it’s all about self- would not need to clog up our lives. expression: there are no accepted But our culture of self-control and rules or manners anymore to control restraint has been so comprehensively society. It would seem that a vast eroded by social change since 1945 number of young people have never that there’s little point in appealing eaten round a table regularly at home to people’s better nature: it no longer with other people, but choose instead exists. to graze, eating when they feel like it and where they want to. In other Of course, I am generalising: there are words, they have never learned to many decent people around still, but curb their appetite for the sake of you have to work a bit harder to find the convenience or the happiness of them than hitherto. others. They would regard the idea of Where to begin? Let’s start with the no eating on the street as an offence small stuff. When I was a boy, I was against human rights. If you are taught it was simply unacceptable to hungry, so their drivel goes, why not eat in a public place. Today, many eat at once wherever you may be? people seem unable to move more than The Mood of the Moment a few yards without eating something. If you examine street litter, you will How has this come about? For starters, find that the majority of it derives from unbridled self-expression and the people eating anytime and anywhere. comprehensive destruction of the As a consequence, our streets, lanes, family. Today, many people hook

29 up and then they stagger off sated, on about Brexit, food banks and why irrespective of the wellbeing of any doesn’t the government pour even children they may have sired or society more money into social security? as a whole. The mood of the moment is The result of this catastrophic moral all that matters. neglect can be seen in the rivers of misery that ooze daily through our Self-expression is regarded as an divorce courts. intrinsic good in itself. And because the state has made it financially Anti-social behaviour is one of the possible for people to behave selfishly, fields in which Britain leads the world. it appears no longer to remember the Bad behaviour is today as much of a crucial importance of the family to the UK hallmark as fraud is in Nigeria. welfare of children. It’s no longer a tiny minority who offend by their violence, intimidation And instead of preaching the and degrading vulgarity, there is a Ten Commandments, “Love your substantial number – and this is a neighbour as yourself” or self-control, disgrace. Many of our younger fellow some (of course, not all) church citizens do not “socialise” when they leaders content themselves by banging get together. They seem unable to enjoy themselves without getting screamingly drunk, vomiting in the street or creating an atmosphere of dark menace. British holidaymakers compete in their vulgarity, our football crowds are a disgrace, and our city centres at night resemble Gin Lane, glinting with knives and the dark glasses of drug dealers. In the eighteenth century, philosopher Edmund Burke wrote, “Men [I am sure he would have included women as well, but PC wasn’t around then] are qualified for civil liberty in exact proportion to their disposition to put moral chains upon their own appetites … Society cannot exist unless a controlling

30 power upon will and appetite be placed Some Light (Tax) Relief somewhere and the less of it there The Inland Revenue recently returned is within, the more there must be a Norfolk-based man’s tax return to without. It is ordained in the eternal him after he apparently answered one constitution of things that men of of the questions incorrectly. intemperate minds cannot be free …” In response to the question, “Do you So now the state finds itself in the have anyone dependent on you?” he position of having to repress the very replied: behaviour that has resulted from generations of woeful neglect. The “2.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 fact we have lost control of ourselves million crackheads, 4.4 million is one of the reasons governments unemployable scroungers, 700,000 of all stripes feel obliged to pass vast criminals in 85 prisons, 650 idiots numbers of nannyish rules designed in Parliament, plus the bits of the to repress our grossness because European Commission we have been we cannot be relied upon to control unable to leave behind.” ourselves. Our loss of self-discipline The Inland Revenue stated that his has led directly to a need for state response was unacceptable. repression. “Who did I miss out!” the man The question for our children is how responded. can we return to self-regulation?

5 September, Day 9: Charlwood to Wotton Save the Last Dance for Me!

We walked at speed for around seven feel our old muscles starting to harden. miles through Far from the Madding After that, we get into the easy swing Crowd woodland, quiet and peaceful. of things and the rhythms start to To our surprise, no small birds were make walking relatively easy. singing. Some of the woodland was No one walked with us today and it felt awash with baby pheasants, though, like a kind of pilgrimage. much to the torment of Moses who very much wanted to kill them all! Weird World The first two or three days of walking Last week, I got an email from an are always hard work as we sweat off event organiser that set me thinking. months of lazy living and can literally “I’ve been asked if you have any food

31 allergies,” she blethered, “and what’s And it all costs taxpayer money, even your personal pronoun of choice?” though transgender people only account for a teeny-weeny proportion Without much reflection, I replied, of our population. “I’m still identifying as a man, but I’ll keep you posted.” When I mentioned The Conservatives – who in my view this to a friend who knows about should know better – are leading this this sort of thing, he warned me, nonsense. They are bringing forward “Seriously, don’t make jokes about proposals to allow adults to change binary stuff even if you think it’s totally their birth certificates at will. potty.” It is clear that gutless politicians are Sure enough, the good old NHS is pandering to these lobby groups, now asking patients over 16 if they are even paying vast sums to support straight, or other. This information “fetish workshops” and a “transgender is being asked, apparently, to ensure changing room” at a recent event that no patients are discriminated in Manchester. The Lesbian, Gay, against. I wonder if doctors didn’t Bisexual and Transgender (LGBT) ask the question in the first place and Foundation is the “charity” driving relied upon that rare commodity, this new policy with £730k they’ve just common sense, how could they winkled from various local authorities. discriminate anyway? But what do I Nice to know how well your money is know? being spent, isn’t it? LGBT has a warped ideology, claiming that the established truths of biological science are “lies”. As our political leaders are terrified of being called “transphobic”, they are allowing this sort of nonsense to flourish. After all, it’s easy to be politically correct with someone else’s money. The headmistress of James Allen’s Girls’ School in London now refers to her students as “them” in case she upsets those who are considering a sex change. What a strange world we live in.

32 The Big Moments Life’s “firsts” are landmarks. Celebrated in TS Eliot’s poem “The Journey of the Magi”, the three kings attend the birth of Christ and realise that this shattering first changes everything. Of course, our firsts are on a far smaller scale, but they punctuate our lives and it takes time to see them in focus. We remember what matters to us, so the firsts etched into our memories often represent life-changing events. The first time we meet someone we come to love; the day we are awarded a degree; the day we are commissioned as an officer, or get a real job; the day always know it’s a “last” at the time, we marry, make love, hear fantastic and it all gets lost in the fog we call music; or the day we get elected – or memory. And of course, there are fail to get elected! Then there is the no warning bells to ring out at these star-spangled day our first child is moments of great significance. born and held joyfully in our arms; Some last events are obvious: the last our children’s first words and tottering time we leave a beloved house, or a last steps; and their first day at school. day at work. And I suppose alcoholics All these moments are stored away in – and smokers – note with agonised the file marked “life’s happy events”. concentration the date of a final fix. The key is to bank plenty of happy But sometimes it takes decades “firsts”: that way, when the sweet bird to really appreciate that a last has of youth has finally stopped flapping, occurred. Was I actually aware when I we will have enough good memories had changed a nappy for the last time to sustain us as we totter through or read a final bedtime story to my the foothills of senility towards the children? Did I realise the last time I summit. tucked them up in bed and said a brief Final Fix prayer over their heads that another Do we even notice, much less milestone had passed? remember, the “last” events? The Then there comes the time when we problem, of course, is that we do not realise the extraordinary fact that we

33 now need our children’s time and love lasts, faint signs that morph into an rather more than they need ours, as immovable tattoo: the acceptance of they become preoccupied with their mortality. Before the age of 40, we own families. convince ourselves that death is for those poor sods that have somehow End Game lost life’s game. Then after 40, its time What about the death of relatives or to “grow up”, and by 70, we realise the friends? When I visited my terminally days of wine and roses are over and ill mother, we both knew this would it’s time to get serious as we face an almost certainly be the last time we unavoidable end game. We idly note saw each other. Yet neither of us the ages of those in obituary notices, – locked in polite English denial – and ponder coffins and graveyards at acknowledged the fact. funerals. And then there are when We just can’t get away from these Jane and I have mercy-killed various inexorable damn lasts. Jane and I horses and dogs. Readers of my blogs hunted for over 30 years. We loved will know just how painful such events the sport. Recently I discovered my have been, each one a kind of murder. old hunting boots covered in dust in With advancing age comes an the corner of the attic. They remain acceptance of death by a thousand beautiful, the inside leather worn down from the friction caused by a thousand hedges. They symbolise great fun, teamwork as well as hunting. But after 30 years, my hunting gene seeped away. To some extent, this was caused by the death of my last golden hunter, Spinaker. But there was also the friend who crashed a fence and was driven headfirst into the ground like a dart. His horse fell on him and broke his neck at the very top, so all he could move was his chin and eyes. When we visited, he was drinking lunch through a straw – and I swear this is true – watching a euthanasia debate on the telly. A single tear ran slowly down his cheek.

34 They say the doctors take those who are crippled below the waist to see those who have lost mobility from the neck down, so they can see how relatively well off they are. It begs the question: to whom do those with broken necks get taken to see? I stopped hunting. But I can’t actually recall the last meet, or the last team chase. And child that I am, I can’t quite face up to the fact that a last has even occurred. The chance I will hunt again is more or less zero but it’s painful facing that reality. You know when friends have called it a day because they’re fat. The seventh Jane is far more ruthless than I am. commandment is now a joke: what’s When I hit the sod, my clothes will be the bloody point of being thin? at the charity shop before I am cold. Nevertheless, I can’t quite face flogging So a few nights ago, on one of my my beloved boots, hunting coats and numerous loo visits, I caught sight of all the rest so another bugger can have my pale, whiskery body in the mirror. fun wearing them. Dog in the manger? Then I wondered at what point in the Me? Never! future I would need to face the fact that a last has occurred: that my dead Last Orders parrot was only good for facilitating Then, of course, the sex thing tries drainage? to rear its head (if you’ll forgive the pun). I think of the time the great I’m sure the reason these “lasts” carry admitted to his wife, such emotional weight is that they are Edna, “The bird won’t fly from the inexorable steps towards the greatest nest!” The late Alan Clark (who had last of all: the black door, closely considerable form) wrote in his diary, guarded by a dismal sod dressed in “The first time you are impotent does black and swinging his scythe. not immediately follow the last time Of course, lovers of God hope that you have sexual intercourse … The last Corrie ten Boom was right when she time you don’t know because there is wrote, “Death is the old family servant always hope, until much later.” who opens the door into the father’s A friend in his sixties – a cricketing home.” fan – told me that he had “drawn What fun life can be! stumps”, presumably for the last time. “Last” drink anyone?

35 6 September, Day 10: Wotton to Guildford The New Me

Another switchback walk, mainly Time for a Change over styles through National Trust I can’t go on like this – I’ve pressed my woodland and skirting the railway line personal reset button. For many years, towards Gomshall. Then we walked I’ve been seriously disadvantaged by through Sheer, passing numerous red the fact that I’m essentially boring: a stone “pillboxes” from the Second white, married, heterosexual male. I’m World War. Apparently used by the privately educated, a former Guards likes of Captain Mainwaring of Dad’s officer and a former Conservative MP. Army, they were hastily designed To make matters worse, I’ve been in 1940 to frighten away invading married to the same woman for half Germans. a century and I’m the father of four The views were magnificent. Later happily married children. we passed through the outskirts of So far, no one in the family has been Guildford from where we crawled sentenced to jail and I’m known to ever upwards towards the magnificent be something of a Bible basher. So cathedral, nestling as if to address God in terms of identity politics, I’m the on an equal footing, with both hiding invisible man on the train, a dinosaur, in the clouds. a man of no special interest to anyone:

36 too old to work yet too young to die. My opinions will never be sought by the media, nor will I ever be targeted by political pollsters. If I was ever caught doing something illegal, I’d be unable to pull the race card. No political party will want to add me to their lists for virtue- signalling purposes and to prove how multi- racial and inclusive of minorities they are. Minus 20 So now I’m embracing radical change. It’s been So, for me, it’s “farewell 1942”, hello growing on me for years. To be honest, “brave new 1962”. Whee, I feel better it’s been a vast struggle for I’ve felt already. very young inside myself all of this time. And I feel far friskier than others All or Nothing in their mid-seventies too, so there! But hang on. Now I’m thinking Of course, I am not alone in coming why not go the whole hog? Today’s out of my age closet. Dutchman Emile accepted consensus is that biological Ratelband, 69, claims to feel like a sex is not real but merely a social young god of 49. The doctors agree he construct. This reasoning has has the constitution of a much younger swept through liberal US university guy, so Ratelband has been trawling campuses into the political through the Dutch courts to change his mainstream and is now accepted legal birthdate from 1949 to 1969. wisdom in the UK too. Let me be clear: activists demand that anyone Ratelband claims that a man who who says she is a woman is entitled identifies as a woman can claim a new to a document stating she was born birth certificate stating he is now a biologically female even if everyone she. So why on earth can’t he wipe 20 else knows she is a man and he (or years off his life to enable him to get a she) has a willy (sorry about that). better job and be able to chase women on Tinder – who regard all over-55s as Of course, I agree. So I’m now a more or less dead? woman and available to be chased by men on Tinder. And, if you can change

37 your age and gender, why not your to my emotions – I laugh a lot and I race? In the US, a white woman called cry easily. And I am choosing to be Rachel Dolezal claims to be black and bisexual, which is great news as it says she has suffered racial injustice. doubles my chances of a date on a I can identify with this for I have felt Saturday night. black inside myself for years. Someone Oh, incidentally I am likely to be called Anthony Lennon – who was selected to run for the mayoralty of apparently mixed race – has popped London by the Green party anytime a Nigerian middle name “Ekundayo” soon. I’m told I will be a shoo-in. into his full name in order to convince people he is black. I propose to copy I’ve yet to break this happy news to this excellent idea. Jane and the family – never mind Moses the dog. However, I’m sure I’m now Karen “Gorgeous the poor dears will be delighted to Nahindicere” Benyon, aged 55. Don’t welcome their new Aunty Gorgeous dare mock! I’m a black female and into the family right away. What fun I’m still young. I love poetry, dancing, we’re going to have. music and women’s clothes. I’m close

38 7 September, Day 11: Guildford to Mytchett Kiss Off!

We made great progress as we Markus Isselbächer – an excellent fought our way along unbeaten driver and a very nice man, Markus paths smothered with nettles and has bravely taken on the driving for brambles, a symbol of shame for the four ZANE walks. local authority. There were no other Sir Malcolm Rifkind –former foreign walkers. The afternoon’s walking secretary Malcolm Rifkind always does took us along the Wey river, peaceful all he can to help ZANE. and lovely, with Moses swimming for sticks. Clendon Daukes – a good friend of ZANE, Clendon always tell me exactly Then we skirted Aldershot and walked what he thinks. close to RMA Sandhurst where I recently attended an anniversary of my Jane Broadley – the wife of ZANE’s passing-out parade. On that occasion chairman, Jane is hugely encouraging there were 200 wrinkled old men like and always supportive. me watching the sovereign’s parade, Christopher Warren, Nigel Dransfied, all hoping with some desperation that Lance Gill, Tim Burt and Marie we would make it through the two Gordon-Roe – the RCEL team must be hours without having a pee. thanked for all their tireless work for Heroes ZANE. Let me raise a glass to just some of the Tom Benyon’s Men’s Group (they people whose support makes ZANE know who they are) – these are the the wonderful charity it is: friends who keep me on the straight and narrow! MP – a loyal ZANE supporter and a Labour MP, Kate has Consider Yourself Kissed bravely voted in the national interest I don’t like kissing virtual strangers. and not just to please Momentum. I know it’s the thing to do nowadays, She has chaired ZANE meetings and but I have long since worked out the is a tough, delightful lady. I wish there difference between fake intimacy and were more like her. the real thing. Vicars, politicians and Tim Glass – a former CEO of the John salesmen are adept at manufacturing Ellerman Foundation, Tim gives ZANE the essential fake warmth and first-class advice just because he is an affection for people they have never excellent friend of our charity. really met properly as it’s a part of the business routine. I did it myself as a

39 political hack and I wasn’t proud of my snogging started when Cilla Black behaviour: in short, I have a distaste began to kiss total strangers on the for professional affection. TV programme Blind Date; then it became mandatory for all hosts on all I have to admit I quite liked Jean chat shows to kiss the entire contents Claude Juncker kissing the air above of the studio sofa. After that, it ramped Theresa May’s wrist, which I found up even further when the Duke of Kent strangely gallant. But I’m English, not kissed the ladies’ Wimbledon tennis continental, and I prefer a smile and champion. The kissing game started to a simple, “How nice to see/meet you.” inflate from there and so here we are. The point is if I am going to kiss people I don’t care about, what, in decency, I’ve heard that now there is a posh new am I to do to those I do care for? Grab, custom of saying to people, “CYK”: and then roundly fondle them? “Consider yourself kissed”. I rather like that. Friendly, without exposing So, I only kiss people who are yourself to flu germs. intimates – family or close friends, not strangers. I envy the royals for the Mwah Mwah anyone? self-protection system they have long Rotten Referenda perfected. Princess Anne shoves out an imperious white-gloved hand; the Binary referendum results imposed on queen is bowed or curtsied to, as are a parliamentary democracy have the other members of the royal family. same result as pouring diesel into a That’s it, unless you know them, in petrol engine: the system seizes solid. which case you can kiss, curtsey, bow, This is partly why Brexit has created hug, in that order – but that routine is such a fractious atmosphere and why reserved for pals only. If you aren’t a referenda are a truly rotten idea. But pal, try it on at your peril. this is where we are and it would seem that whatever happens next, the I understand all this faux social country will remain divided.

40 Parliament is deeply unrepresentative transgenderism at junior school, and of the views of the people. The voters who believe marriage is for the referendum result reflected 52 per cent long term. They ignore voters who Brexiteers and 48 per cent Remainers, yearn to do the “right thing” and those yet our “first past the post” democracy who worry about the passing of free has produced a mix of six Remainers speech. to one Brexiteer in Parliament. Hence How do I know this? Social research the log jam. surveys and opinion polls tell us so. There’s a vast tranche of voters in the By last February (2019), of the nine UK whose views remain unrepresented parties that are represented in the in Parliament and the media. The old House of Commons, eight signed up to soldiers, for example, whose views I the full “liberal” agenda (the exception summarised in my last blog, A Land being the 10 MPs of the DUP). So out Fit for Heroes, are often considered of 10 parties in the Commons, nine are bigoted fascists. As are those who, liberal, even if one of them is labelled even if they aren’t so old, want a “Conservative”. It’s the Conservatives nation state and to live in their own who cannot be bothered to control communities, and who believe we are immigration and it’s the Conservatives still a Christian country. And there who insist that six-year-old school are voters who worry their faith is children are taught about same-sex being eroded by secularism and are relationships and transgenderism. And concerned about the illiberal aspects of Conservative MPs, by a majority, are Islam, and who complain that no one disdainful of the nation state and voted asked if they wanted to live in a multi- Remain. racial society. They are, of course, ignored and labelled racist. It seems, too, that the people in our universities, almost all government Writing on the Wall quangos, the arts quangos, the But Parliament ignores these voters at teaching profession and the media all its peril, for 70–80 per cent of voters have the same mindset. And, of course, are demanding that immigration be that goes for Church of England constrained, and a good 40 per cent bishops too. want to see it stopped altogether. And because these people all think the More than 50 per cent don’t think same way, they don’t think we suffer immigration has been beneficial to this from political bias in the ruling elite: country. these views are deemed to be right! MPs ignore voters who doubt the The two main parties should have wisdom of gay adoption (even if seen the warning signs. In the Euro such voters are not in any way elections, they only secured a quarter “homophobic”). They disregard of the vote between them. voters who are shocked when their children are taught the normality of It won’t end happily.

41 8 September, Day 12: Mytchett to Barkham Death of a Despot

I was told it was bad manners to wish If there is any justice, I presume Uncle anyone dead, but perfectly acceptable Bob is having a difficult time with the to read obituary notices with pleasure. recording angel. It is in this spirit I come to the news of Mugabe’s death. Revisiting a Referendum Those not totally numbed to He had a choice: either to rule like distraction over Brexit might care Nelson Mandela or turn into a tin-pot to look at a 1975 YouTube Oxford crook like so many of his colleagues. University debate. The late Labour He chose the latter. When measured minister Peter Shore is speaking ahead against Hitler and Stalin, he was a of the 1975 referendum and the points small, bad man, but bad enough to he brilliantly makes are as pertinent massacre 20,000 civilians and steal today as they were then. Ted Heath everything not actually nailed to the lolls looking bored in the audience. ground. A charismatic little sod who The great Barbara Castle and Jeremy turned his beautiful country into a Thorpe are also listening. racist ruin and left nothing of material value in his passing. The Beautiful Game The 1983 tragedy of the massacre of Football is being ruined by hideous 20,000 people around Bulawayo – violence, cheating, corruption and said to be a material underestimate racism. – by Mugabe’s hired thugs, was more or less hidden at the time. Apparently, Why not make the fans pay in hard the Thatcher Government was so cash for the ghastly conduct of a few? relieved to be shot of Zimbabwe that Why not make the clubs and players they asked few questions and were pay the full price of policing these fobbed off with non-answers. I am matches? It’s not as if they are short sure, however, that the fact that the of money. If the Serbian Under 21 massacre was black people killing fans behave as racist criminals, why black people was a factor. We just not force such matches to be played didn’t care enough. If, however, it had behind closed doors without paying been blacks killing whites, or worse crowds? If banana skins and glass are still, whites killing blacks, the world hurled onto pitches, why not simply would have taken real notice, and the stop the game, find the perpetrators perpetrators hunted down and tried and hand them over to the police? If a at The Hague on grounds of crimes match is disrupted, so what? against humanity.

42 At the first sign of trouble, why not played by both sides. When did you take the players off? Practise zero last see a riot at a rugby match? tolerance? Boom! Fans would soon Why should taxpayers pay good money learn to police their own events once to clear up this mess? Of course, it’s they learnt that a few loonies were all about money and you know what destroying the game and costing them God thinks about money when you a load of money. Why don’t the clubs see the sort of people he gives it to. buy their own monitors and start Once the players started to be paid behaving like grown-ups? The police obscene salaries, the vital link between should treat obscene chants in the them and ordinary supporters was same way that such chants would be sundered and any sense of duty and treated if heard on the streets, and responsibility was broken. Players prosecute the perpetrators. Tribalism and managers are now planets apart trumps moral perspective and the and the honour of being a role model idiotic claims that bad behaviour is long since dissipated. Professional always the other side’s fault are plain footballers simply don’t have to think childish. of anyone other than themselves and Segregation of crowds encourages their weird tattoos and haircuts. So abuse and riots. If fans were mixed as they don’t. they are at rugby matches they might The beautiful game is now a raddled begin to appreciate good football being old bag: she needs a facelift.

43 The Dark Side one with the drunken past who is One of my chums who knows about probably a crook and a legendary serial the darker side of life told me a great adulterer – and in great trouble – I bet truth: that it’s far more interesting to you’ll curl your lip with pleasure and say scandalous things about people beg for more. than nice. Go on – admit it! If you wonder whether this is true or April Fool not, just consider this example. If I Years ago, I rang a friend and told tell you I’ve just had a meeting with him that his greatest pal had just been Jim Johnson, a dear friend who is raided by the fraud squad. kind, thoughtful, gentle, loved by all, and faithful to his wife his whole life “Great news,” he said, “That’ll teach long, just tell me you won’t yawn with the sanctimonious sod”! boredom and find a quick opportunity I then pointed out that it was 1 April. to walk away. (I simply won’t believe you!) “Oh … please, please don’t tell him what I just said!” On the other hand, if I tell you that I’ve just had a meeting with Jim, the Reader, what do you think I did?

44 9 September, Day 13: Barkham to Chazey Heath The Price of Treachery

We arrived knackered at Mapledurham How wise. But even the kind-hearted at the end of a long and fractious day – Daisy might have been moved to say a long way from Wokingham! something about the way our fellow countrymen and women look today. Much of the walk was along cambered roads on the edge of Reading. Anyone We’re an irredeemably scruffy lot. It’s who walks seriously will attest to how extraordinary why men think looking uncomfortable a material camber can unshaven is sexy. The hunky, grizzled be over even short distances. Vast “look” may suit film stars but when you roaring lorries and dozens of mean are over 50, and wedged into ill-fitting little whining cars all created a light jeans with a jutting beer belly, a spotty smog, while our feet kicked up the face and a red nose, you don’t look like spoor from thousands of students Brad Pitt, you look like a three-flush from the local poly: cigarette packets, floater. condoms, coke cans and literally a By far the most stressful sight I’ve carpet of fast-food cardboard junk. seen was while strolling along a beach When I sought a bottle of fresh pressed on the Isle of Wight a few years back. orange from a store, I was told they There stood a weightlifter, naked apart only had bottled “juice”, all highly from a thong and looking like a brown coloured and smothered in sugar. Two condom stuffed with conkers. vast, tattooed ladies with mauve hair The Price of Treachery purchased a stack of crisps, chocolate biscuits and lottery tickets and What a soft and foolish nation we have staggered out of the shop, pecking at become. I wonder for our national their snacks as they went. sanity when I read comments by the likes of Douglas Murray (you must Then we passed from the wasteland read his excellent The Strange Death into newly mown fields; if we had felt of Europe) about Jihadi Jack and more energetic, we would have done a Shamima Begum of ISIS fame being jig for joy. allowed back into the UK after they fought on the side of those who killed Being Nice and tortured many of our people. My great Aunt Daisy used to tell me, We appear to be losing our wits! We “When you can’t say anything nice don’t have to guess what would happen about someone, Tom, best say nothing if Jihadi Jack (really Jack Letts from at all.” Oxford), and others returned to the UK to face trial …

45 Just see what happened when fact that he had fought against his own Canadian Omah Khadr arrived back in country. That’s far more cash than any Canada after he’d spent years fighting American, Canadian or British widow with ISIS and allegedly murdered a US could expect to receive for the loss of a sergeant. All the Khadr family are ISIS husband. fighters: Omah’s dad was killed, and another son wounded. Multi-millionaire Omah was interviewed on a Montreal TV show Omah’s mother made her position and greeted by a standing ovation. clear: of course there was no family He was gently interviewed about his remorse or apologies: all she wanted “journey”, telling viewers of how he was “our rights as Canadian citizens”. had “suffered PTSD”. He claimed to Away Game have been in “an unfortunate place, in difficult circumstances”. A fellow guest The Khadr family prove that it said, “I’m filled with admiration for doesn’t matter whether you fight for your fortitude” and Omah was asked, the “home” or “away” team in these “How can you be so mentally strong?” twenty-first-century wars: if the away team fails, you get better treatment Now the issue of killers returning than if you had played for the home home is erupting in the UK. Thankfully side. Rather better in fact. passports are being refused to Thanks to an army of pro bono those who want to come back as if lawyers, a couple of years ago nothing untoward had happened. Omah was awarded $10m damages But of course, they all have a case, for having been imprisoned in championed by lawyers and an army of Guantanamo Bay – this despite the supporters.

46 No one ever says “sorry”. Jihadi Jack’s No matter that these traitors are ghastly father admits, “My armchair undermining the integrity of our revolutionary ‘shite’ (his words, not country and making a mockery of our mine) may have influenced my son”. defences, we just can’t help giving His son is said to be a “victim”. everyone – whatever atrocities they have committed, whatever side they And during the Shamima Begum case, have fought on, and no matter how I remained unmoved by the arguments many people they have killed – the that somehow “we are all to blame” for benefit of every doubt. We seldom her joining ISIS. This is our dilemma. bother to learn the names of their We know roughly what to do when victims, do we, or pause to wonder these people are in a foreign field; how the victims’ families are surviving with luck, we can take them out with a amidst the wholesale destruction of drone. But we have no idea what to do their lives. if the Shamimas and Jacks return! I say banish such traitors from the I can just imagine it. A softball UK forever! They can float stateless interview on the Today programme across the world like the Flying would be followed by a TV special. Dutchman for all I care – for we will Then after some sympathetic profile only embarrass ourselves if they are pieces, a legal case for mistreatment allowed to return here. would be funded pro bono. Soon studio audiences would be applauding Shamima’s and Jack’s bravery. We just can’t help ourselves, can we?

47 10 September, Day 14: Chazey Heath to Brightwell-cum-Sotwell Strange Death

I clambered into a thicket in the appeared and darted off and there deepest of woods to, ahem, repair was Jane grinning like an owl. What a myself. When I emerged, I discovered relief! that Jane had gone, vanished, Here, Blair and Everywhere vamoosed into thin air. I shouted to no avail and then discovered that, as I keep seeing Tony Blair leering on the usual, I had no idea where I was. Not telly and I have to admit I find him a clue. There were several tracks all increasingly irritating. He is, in my heading off in different directions, so view, to a marked degree responsible what was I to do? for the Brexit catastrophe. Those ZANE supporters who have When Blair was in power, his missed earlier blogs may not know Minister of State in the Home Office, that my sense of direction is not my Barbara Roche, decided to leave finest quality. I would make a useless the immigration door wide open: in taxi driver or field master of a hunt! six brief years, she allowed nearly Once when wooing a girl, I drove from two million people into the UK. Penrith to London; 20 miles from Such an experiment has never been London, I went round a roundabout implemented before, anywhere. Roche and drove more or less all the way back introduced far too many people into to Penrith. The girl dumped me, and our country, far too fast. She did not who can blame her? When I was in the ask anyone, she just did it. I think the army, I was known as “Backbearing then Home Secretary, Jack Straw, was Benyon”. My guardsmen followed me preoccupied with the Iraq war at the not because they thought I knew where time. I was going but out of curiosity to see Anyway, Blair’s lack of grip on his where we would end up! minister placed a great burden on Anyway, I was lost and the thought house prices, on the health service crossed my mind, how would I and on schools. And, to the anger of survive? Were my Bear Grylls skills many communities, Roche changed up to scratch? How long could I stay their nature irreversibly; if anyone alive? I was all right for water, but complained, she labelled them “racist”. could I eat? Were those mushrooms This disaster took place on Blair’s halfway up that tree edible? Were watch, and the resultant fear and anger those lice under that log crammed full about immigration numbers generated of vitamins? a great many Brexit votes. I wandered about like King Lear in And it was Blair who allowed the the mad scene until suddenly Moses MPs’ expenses regime to flourish so

48 that, when the row became public, The headmistress appeared to melt to the voters believed – with some glue. “Well, perhaps I misspoke,” she justification – that there was one tax spluttered, and then laughed wildly. system for MPs and another for their “Of course, we do have occasional constituents. prayers and talks …” She trailed off So he has quite a lot to answer for, and there was an embarrassed silence. doesn’t he? It’s fascinating. Here is a CoE school and the head teacher thinks that Losing Our Religion boasting about how the school is Parents who happen to be my closest wholly secular makes a strong selling friends were visiting a Church of point! England school to assess whether or There have been many wonderful not it was suitable for their children. things introduced these past hundred The headmistress jabbered on about years, from the NHS to the Internet, the school’s virtues: “Oh, so hard but we have lost the plot when it comes working, what wonderful exam to our religious culture. Muslims, in results, if I do say so myself, very good the main, haven’t forgotten their faith, discipline, da de da de dum…” but we are in the process of forgetting And then my friend asked, “What ours. about religious education or chapel However faithless and unbelieving perhaps?” my classmates and I may have been “Oh no, you will be pleased to learn we at school – and sad to say, we were a are a strictly secular school.” godless lot – at least we were taught the basics about our Christian/Judeo “Oh that’s a pity,” said my friend inheritance. We roared the hymns so sweetly. “You see I’m a vicar!”

49 often, we knew them by heart, and Towards the end of my term, a new of course we knew our way around building was planned. No one was Cranmer’s prayer book and the King quite sure what it would be used for James Bible. but we were all told that it would be a But nowadays in school, Gospel great asset. teaching has about the same status Then I was asked if I would be happy as the tooth fairy. The reason is, of to have the building named after me? course, that many teachers are plumb I was amazed because I didn’t like the ignorant. woman who asked me – and I was pretty darn sure she didn’t like me Doubtless, this idiot headmistress either. was all in favour of the “fruits of the spirit” – love, joy, peace, patience, But what an honour! Coo! Shucks! kindness, goodness, gentleness and Well, I never did! But then I self-control – but she wouldn’t have remembered Round the Horne had a clue about where these virtues starring Kenneth Horne, who “prefers come from or who inspired them! to remain anonymous”, and something People like her are living off the capital about the woman’s sly, little smile of the Christian faith. They want the made me hang back. king without the cross. God willing, Just as well because I discovered it was our friends’ children will find another to be a VD clinic. school with someone sensible in charge. Gonorrhea with the Wind Years ago, I was chairman of a Midlands health authority board, appointed by the great Ken Clarke, who was the then Health Secretary. It was in the early 1990s, when the health service was told that the local authorities had to be run like businesses. Anyway, I did my best with the Byzantine finances but no one really knew who was in charge: the local board or the National Health Authority.

50 11 September, Day 15: Brightwell-cum-Sotwell to Oxford Have Faith

We completed the last 13 miles at some “Do we know what it means to be speed, passing through the outskirts struck by grace? It does not mean of Oxford via Wallingford. Then it we suddenly believe that God exists was on to Christ Church via the Iffley or that Jesus is the Saviour, or that Road to be met by a warm, welcoming the Bible contains the truth… Grace group. Dear Alannah, who helped send strikes us when we are in great pain us on our way from Canterbury (it and restlessness. It strikes us when seemed like a lifetime ago), was there we walk through the dark valley of a to welcome us back with a spirited meaningless and empty life. It strikes trumpet voluntary. us when we feel that our separation is deeper than usual… it strikes us Grace when our disgust for our own being, What I dislike are books on faith that our indifference, our weakness, our imply that the author has it all worked hostility, and our lack of direction and out, and if the book is read then all composure have become intolerable to doubts will flee (and if they don’t, us. It strikes us when, year after year, well, there must be something wrong the longed-for perfection of life does with the reader!) I also worry that a not appear, when the old compulsions number of vicars don’t preach well and reign within us as they have for so people remain frustrated and unfed, decades, when despair destroys all joy their basic questions unanswered. and courage.” Let’s face it: in the twenty-first Reasons to Believe century, talk of the virgin birth, For me, this seems to capture the miracles and a dead man rising make upside-down message of Jesus. So why for an improbable story. And dear do I believe? old Dawkins and the late Christopher Hitchens haven’t helped matters. Years ago, I knew the great Chuck Colson of Nixon infamy and I am comforted that it was not the Watergate, and then jail and Prison devout and morally successful who Fellowship. He was a thug, no mistake understood Jesus, and who were loved – as was St Paul. And so was my friend by him. It was the desperate and the Jonathan Aitken and so was I! But God defeated, those who felt they had let uses us in our weakness. themselves down, and the profoundly disappointed. In the book Born Again, Colson wrote that in the Watergate scandal Paul Tillich, a German exile from NAZI in June 1972, seven men – the Germany wrote this:

51 Watergate Seven – conspired to lie and things … then you will never have to the world that Nixon did not know enough, never feel you have enough. about the break-in to the Democratic It’s the truth. Worship your own body National Committee (Erlichman, and beauty and sexual allure, and you Mitchell, Mardian, Colson, Haldeman, will always feel ugly. And when time Parkinson and Strachan). and age start showing, you will die a million deaths before they finally bury It took just one week for the you … Worship power, and you will conspiracy to fall apart; one by one, end up feeling weak and afraid, and the seven could no longer bear the you will need ever-more power over deception, and so they went to the others to numb you to your own fear. special prosecutor to admit they Worship your intellect, being seen had lied. as smart, and you will end up feeling Colson concluded from his own stupid, a fraud, always on the verge experience that Jesus’ disciples of being found out. But the insidious simply couldn’t have conspired to lie thing about these forms of worship is to the Roman authorities about the not that they’re evil or sinful, it’s that resurrection, when the penalty for they’re unconscious. They are default that lie was crucifixion. Why would settings.” they do such a thing? To die for a lie is Last, the writer Solzhenitsyn completely contrary to human nature, spent much of his time, after his so Colson concluded that the disciples incarceration in the Gulag, trying had to be telling the truth. Jesus did to understand how some 60 million rise from the dead: they saw him and Soviets had simply “vanished”. And they were prepared to die for that truth. I have always thought that totally convincing and it’s the reason I began to believe in the miracle of the resurrection. And then US bestselling author David Foster Wallace wrote this: “Everybody worships. The only choice we get is what to worship. And the compelling reason for choosing some sort of god … to worship … is that pretty much anything else you worship will eat you alive. If you worship money

52 this was in my lifetime too! Sixty million people, many just slaughtered, many starved to death – and all killed in truly ghastly circumstances. In God’s name, why? Because, he concluded, people had tried to live without God. So people should belt up with their worries/doubts/fears and so on, and stop moaning on about why does God allow suffering and all the rest of it. Because this is nothing new. It’s been talked about for thousands of years. Just get on with believing – what alternative is there? – and save your witterings for the recording angel! The POSH Test I wonder just how “posh” ZANE supporters are? years ago, the sky was a battleground: Just in case you didn’t know, the we were reminded of this by word “posh” comes from our colonial enthusiasts in Spitfires performing past. It derives from whether liner aerobatics. The weather was kind to passengers to India could afford “Port us, perfect in fact. We were welcomed Out, Starboard Home” tickets (a posh by loyal ZANE supporters, people ticket) – so they could buy shade from who comprise the backbone of the . UK: kindly, hospitable and generous Now I have been told that posh people to a fault. We choose not to highlight are defined by how they pronounce their names, which might have caused the word “shower”. If it rhymes with embarrassment, but they know who “flower” they are certainly not posh. they are. Thank you, each and every If they pronounce it “shar” (to rhyme one of you. It’s a privilege to have you with “far”), they are totally and in our lives. irredeemably posh. Markus, our driver and doughty Our Thanks assistant from Bulawayo, is a great ZANE friend. He’s a careful driver We have completed 162 miles – and a patient man, blessed by an much of the way through God’s own overarching good nature. Markus countryside – and returned safely. never takes offence: this last is a Jane and I were conscious that 80 necessary quality when dealing with

53 flawed individuals such as Jane and support and warm messages of me, especially so when we are tired, encouragement. We are grateful to the thirsty, demanding and fractious. many who came to walk with us. General Jane was, as ever, Tom Benyon commanding and indomitable, an PS: My daughter, Clare, tells me inspiration to all who know her. Her that her Italian friend, Luca, is most map-reading skills are astonishing, as concerned about Brexit and the wider are her leadership qualities. political situation in the UK. The walk could not have proceeded I ask you! When the Italians express without Sue Carter’s care and patience. worry about the political state we are And last, our thanks to you, our in, we really are in a mess! generous supporters, for your financial

The views expressed are those of Tom Benyon and not the charity, ZANE. Cartoons by Tony Husband 54 All these years of walking with Tom for ZANE, and I’ve been letting him do all the blogging! I thought I’d have a go myself this time – so here’s my account of the walk from Canterbury to Oxford. (Unlike my husband, though, I won’t veer off in weird and wonderful directions: this is a straightforward account of the route we took, and the things we encountered along the way.)

Walk from Canterbury to Oxford by Jane Benyon

Day 1 called Fred and which had directed us over nine walks – is now obsolete, so I We arrived last night after the usual have been issued a new one by my son- nightmare journey down the M25. in-law John, who designs all the walks. There had been a major smash on the He assured me it was easy to use and westbound carriageway, blocking the it did seem to be so when I tried it out road completely and leaving a tailback in Bladon. However, setting off in the for miles. A happy way to end the confined space of central Canterbury holiday for many! was another story. After one hour, we realised we were going diametrically The night was spent in the pretty in the wrong direction along a busy A village of Wye where we would walk road, so we had to return to the start to today. On arrival at Canterbury Cathedral, we were met by friends and family who had come to walk with us, including our daughter Clare, grandson Daniel and Clare’s friend Alannah. Sadly the cathedral is covered with scaffolding and the courtyard is a building site, but there was time for a quick look inside before Alannah sent us on our way with a trumpet voluntary. She is a fine musician! Sadly our old Google Sat Nav – which I fondly

5355 and begin all over again! This time, we one of Queen Victoria’s sons – though were rightly on a lovely route passing the girl didn’t know which one. along the beautiful Stour Valley to After feasting on moules and chips at Chartham for lunch, where one of our a very good pub, we continued along friends left to catch a train back to pleasant lanes and tracks, crossing London. the M20 on our way. We had to cross The rest of the party then continued three different mainline railways on to Wye, arriving later than planned – which explains why Kent is such due to our unfortunate start. I think a popular commuting county for (well, hope) I have now worked out London (despite the reports of train how to use the Sat Nav, which I will delays and stoppages in this part of the call “Fred 2”. There was time for a world). We arrived at our destination quick cup of tea before our family and in Bethersden feeling good, but more others caught the train back to London than ready for that welcome cup of tea and Canterbury. and a bath!

Day 2

We had an easy start today. There were no visiting walkers so we were on our own. This tends to speed things up – talking while walking and navigating slows us down! It was a glorious morning: blue skies with scudding white clouds, a gentle breeze, and far less muggy than over the past few days. Leaving the Stour valley, we joined the North Downs Way and passed through the attractive village of Boughton Lees with its large village green and cricket pitch. Then we followed the busy A251, luckily along a footpath, to the edge of Ashford. Here we saw very imposing gates with a royal coat of arms but Day 3 seemingly leading nowhere. We rang Another sunny morning with a light the bell of the gatehouse and were told breeze: we made good progress along by a charming young girl that it dates narrow lanes before turning off into back to the sixteenth century. Now a a large farmyard with a number of hotel, the house was once occupied by stables. After wandering around in

56 some confusion, we eventually met busy road, our path took us through the owner who showed us the way untouched meadows. The deep, thick through. She was a hunting lady as grass was full of wild flowers, even this well as a big sheep farmer and her late in the summer. What a wonderful husband was away at market selling sight it must have been two months lambs. We passed through large fields ago. Deep into a large wood, our with sheep everywhere – it was good companion left us, as she wanted to to see such a large farm of stock for a photograph some of the things she had change. seen along the way. She promised to ring to tell us she had got back safely. As we made our way down the side of a wood, a large dog fox appeared We were now in a large deciduous – much to the intense excitement of forest, such a change from endless Moses. Not that the fox had much evergreen firs and so on. I have learnt to worry about! At lunch we met up that this area has the highest number with another supporter who joined of deciduous forests and woodland in us for the first half of the afternoon. the country. Then it was back on to After initially negotiating a horribly another terrifying B road. The traffic

57 was horrendous, all going much madly. Our companions both had too fast for the terrain and the poor maps, which filled me with trepidation camber on the road. It was positively as I have suffered in the past from dangerous, and we eventually called well-meaning people taking us in the our driver, Markus, to pick us up wrong direction. However, both men one mile from our destination in were local and really did know their Sissinghurst. Our host for the night way around the busy roads, so I was told us that five years ago there would relieved. have been hardly any traffic on that It was another glorious morning, stretch – sadly it is now a rat run. and our route could not have been more pleasant with wide footpaths meandering through wonderful Day 4 countryside. No more struggles through bramble-strewn paths! We After a wonderful overnight stay in eventually passed through Angley another lovely old farmhouse, we Wood, a large forested area of arrived back in Sissinghurst to meet mixed trees. I do love walking in up with two ZANE supporters for woods. Then we found ourselves on the day’s walking. One had a golden a shooting estate with thousands of Labrador, which Moses made great young pheasants running around friends with. The dogs exhausted each everywhere. The dogs went wild with other in a field by rushing around excitement, chasing the birds hither and thither before we got them under control. I must say it’s difficult to see the sport in bringing in this number of pheasants just to shoot them. Oh well, I suppose it’s hugely lucrative for the landowner! We stopped for lunch in Goudhurst, in an excellent pub run by an Italian. We were told that the hop pickers from the East End of London used to arrive by train here and then stay the night in the simple cabins we spied in a field, before being sent

58 to the farms round about. This was big business up until the 1970s, and then the brewers discovered it was cheaper to import hops from Poland. There are now hardly any hop farms left and most of the oast houses have been turned into private dwellings. We did pass some fields of hops, but they were owned by the National Trust. It’s sad to see how yet another way of life in the country is fast disappearing. gorgeous day and the countryside The afternoon’s walking brought more was stunningly beautiful. It’s such a country lanes and footpaths, and apart privilege to be experiencing it in these from one mistake – finding ourselves incredibly peaceful surroundings. We on the wrong side of a boundary fence passed through more woodland broken and having to climb over a rickety up by little hidden valleys, many of wire fence on to the right path – our them holding converted oast houses journey to Hook Green was uneventful. and related buildings. We spoke to one Tonight we are staying with one of our of the owners who admitted things walking companions. were pretty tough in winter and that the towers did make the houses very cold in winter and hot in the summer. But he seemed pretty contented with Day 5 his lot for all that. After an evening of immense fun – the After such a peaceful morning, it was discussion mainly being on the topic quite a shock to reach Tunbridge of Brexit, where we found we were Wells with its horrendous traffic jams, coming from different viewpoints – even on a Sunday. We ate a rather we had an excellent night’s sleep and mediocre lunch in a Sainsburys cafe woke up feeling refreshed. before walking along the common, a highly wooded area that appears to We met up with our other walking run through the centre of the town. companion of yesterday (with his It must be a joy for the town’s dog map, bless him). It’s been another owners and joggers. Our route took us

59 through another deeply wooded area, ourselves in undulating pastureland bordering a stream and a single-track – we had now passed from Kent railway line with a steam train run as a into East Sussex. After lunch, Moses local attraction. There were some huge was left in the car to nurse his sore rock formations alongside the path – paw. It was just as well, as walking great slabs of rock, one on top of the through East Grinstead was mainly other, rather like you find in various on hard pavements. We reached our parts of Zimbabwe. A very unexpected destination at the far side of the town sight! We continued through more earlier than usual with plenty of time ancient and untouched woodland to unwind in the beautiful home of our to our destination at Groombridge. hosts. For a second, I thought the sign read “Gloombridge” – possibly an apt name for this not very inspiring-looking village! We returned to Tunbridge Wells for the night. Our hosts live in one of a row of 20 late-Georgian houses built to accommodate those who came to the Pantiles to take the waters, which were believed to have medicinal qualities and put Tunbridge Wells on the map at the time.

Day 6

Another walker joined us today with his elderly Labrador. Unfortunately Moses seemed to have injured his Day 7 foot while going for a pee in our host’s Thankfully, Moses appeared to garden, so he was feeling rather sorry have recovered from his injury this for himself – although I couldn’t find morning. any obvious injury. The day started peacefully enough in We spent most of the morning walking pretty countryside, but we gradually along a disused railway line, which became aware of the constant noise of made progress easy. It was very the air traffic around Gatwick airport. shaded though, and we rather wished By the middle of the day, our ears we were basking in the morning’s were constantly being blasted by the glorious sunshine. Eventually, the roar of aeroplanes, trains and the M23 railway was left behind and we found as we manoeuvred our way round the

60 airport. A very confusing exercise and I particularly enjoyed the garden, we almost found ourselves entering which had been beautifully laid Terminal 2! We must have looked a out by Lady Churchill and restored strange sight with our high-viz jackets, by the National Trust. The house walking sticks and a small, black dog. was interesting, particularly the What a relief to gradually leave it all memorabilia. It’s not a pretty house, behind and get back on to the Sussex but quite intimate and welcoming. border path. Tonight we are staying 30 miles away, back near Tunbridge Wells. It always Day 9 seems amazing to travel back along your route in a car and see how far you We were late arriving at our starting have walked! point today as we had miscalculated the time it would take to get there. However, there were no fellow Day 8 walkers to join us and the route along bridleways and tracks was It was our day off today, thank straightforward. The only excitement goodness. We decided to visit came when we found ourselves on Chartwell, ’s family another shooting estate amidst a sea of home. pheasants and Moses shot off. Barely a minute later, he appeared looking We had a lovely relaxing time and extremely pleased with himself and thoroughly enjoyed our day.

61 for at least two and a half hours, which gives you an idea of its size. Eventually, we moved on to the Wootton Estate, past a spectacular waterfall and fishing lakes below. We were pleased with ourselves, arriving at our destination at 4.30pm despite our late start. proudly carrying a dead cock pheasant Day 10 – which he deposited at my feet as his mother, a working spaniel, would have Today we were joined by our son-in- done! It was quickly disposed of into law John. He designed our route from the bushes and Moses was put on his Canterbury, so I felt very relaxed with lead, much to his displeasure. far less responsibility as we made our A quick pub lunch followed and we way to Guildford. Actually, it was a were off again. We spent most of very easy route as we spent most of the the rest of the day in a huge forest, day on the North Downs walking along a large part of it being owned by the a well-marked path. It was mainly National Trust. Once again, the trees through woodland, again owned by were mainly deciduous but where the the National Trust. We were interested National Trust has taken over, there to see a large number of Second were a large number of stunning World War pillboxes arranged along evergreens, such as Scots Pines, a ridge facing south. This was part of Wellingtonias and what I think must the country’s defences in case of an be Canadian Redwoods. After quite invasion. Thank God they were never a climb up to the ridge of the forest, needed! we enjoyed a spectacular view looking At lunchtime, we were pleased to north east. We then had the long leave the confines of the woods and hike back down the other side. We be greeted by wonderful views over must have been walking in the forest the countryside. Our finishing

62 point today was Guildford Cathedral, to scramble through nettles and which I assumed was somewhere in brambles. Tom sustained a nasty cut the centre of the city but turned out on his mouth. to be right on the other side and up a Today was the day that the very steep hill. Started in 1938 and not blackberries had ripened to their finished until the 1960s, the cathedral sweetest. Up until now, it has been is a rather forbidding-looking building hit and miss as to whether the ripe- on the outside. The inside, however, is looking ones would be sweet. We very beautiful and altogether a lovely grazed on them happily. I remember space. We attended said evensong. having a pony that loved eating Unfortunately the choir was still on blackberries and would suck them off holiday. the bushes, rather like an elephant picking up food. Day 11 We came to another field festooned with electric tape to keep in ponies We departed from Guildford Cathedral and were greeted by a notice reading, this morning, luckily travelling “Beware of the donkey, it hates dogs”. downhill this time, and had soon left Moses was ignored by the said donkey! the suburban streets behind. Some of At our lunch stop, a surprise visit from the country lanes were less negotiable good friends – who live close by – than on previous days and we had lifted our spirits. The afternoon was

63 very pleasant, walking along the river Moses was delighted at the chance of Wey on the outskirts of Aldershot. frequent swims. Moses had fun swimming for sticks, Matthew left us at Sandhurst Village, although it was rather a wet dog that where we ate a mediocre lunch. We clambered into the car at the end of spent most of the rest of the afternoon the day. walking up the busy A321, which luckily had a pavement all the way but was extremely noisy with the din of Day 12 passing cars. I suppose the only saving grace was that it was Sunday, so there Today we walked with Matthew, who were no lorries. I amused myself by joined us earlier in the walk. We are trying to guess why people name their staying with him tonight. houses the way they do, especially the We started off on a pleasant track grand ones behind electric fences. before joining the road through After two hours of constant Frimley, which is where Matthew noise, it was a relief to spend the lives. Luckily for us, once we had gone last 20 minutes walking round a golf under the M3, he took us away from course and then on to the outskirts of the road and along the river path full Wokingham. of Sunday walkers and their dogs.

64 Day 13

Today we had to resign ourselves to trudging along busy roads in urban areas. It’s on days like this that our island feels overcrowded – unlike the many days that we have spent in beautiful countryside with barely a soul around. Between Wokingham and the outskirts of Reading, we found ourselves walking along a very busy road without a pavement. Our rule is not to risk this but we couldn’t reach Markus on the phone to get him to pick us up. So we flagged down three men in a battered work van and asked if they could drive us down to the sawdust and nails. Luckily it was where the road’s footpath resumed. empty. They dropped us off at a school They kindly agreed and we piled into a couple of miles down the road and the back of the van, sitting amongst wished us luck.

65 Then there was more trudging along Day 14 mean streets, past failing shops and kebab houses, and the University of We covered 14 miles today, our longest Reading. The streets were festooned day of walking so far. with litter and we were feeling We were keen to get an early start, thoroughly fed up! After crossing the despite having to travel 15 miles river, we reached the nice pub that during the rush hour. Luckily, we Markus had found for lunch and our found a route without having to go equilibrium was restored. I think back into Reading and arrived on the we were getting tired, not helped by dot of 9am. We were met by a fellow breathing in car fumes. walker who knew our route, and who The afternoon’s walk was quite short, in fact had helped John to slightly the last stretch taking us alongside amend it so as to avoid dangerous a golf course where the peace was roads. tangible after the incessant noise of traffic.

66 We were now in Oxfordshire and on It was 6.30pm when we finally arrived. the home stretch. There was more A very long day of walking, since 9am! forestry, though this time I noticed it was more commercially managed woodland, with piles of timber on the Day 15 sides of the tracks and the sounds of trees being felled in the distance. A Our final day with the end in sight! number of riders as well as the usual We had intended to sleep at home on dog walkers passed us. We had to keep the penultimate night but realised we our wits about us, as the paths were might get caught up in Oxford’s rush- numerous! hour traffic, so we booked into a local We stopped for lunch in an old pub hotel so as to set off in time. Another in a charming setting on the banks long day’s walking lay ahead of us. of the Thames. The pub has been We were now travelling due north, turned into an Italian restaurant by having left the Thames to our east. The a young Anglo-Italian, and the food countryside had changed again, with was excellent. We spent most of the very flat farmland and miles of stubble afternoon walking along the Thames fields. For the first time, we saw a hint path, admiring the large opulent of autumn colours in the hedgerows. houses on the other side with their The grass has turned brown since we sweeping lawns and manicured started our journey – there has been gardens. Many of them had motor no noticeable rain, so we’ve been very cruisers moored on their jetty. It was lucky. fun to speculate on the cost of some of The only hill we climbed was up to the this real estate! Wittenham Clumps, some impressive Eventually, we arrived at the old earthworks that were obviously built bridge leading to Wallingford and because of their strategic position climbed its steep steps. Then it was in the flat lands around them. I back to the noisy traffic after the remember happy days tobogganing peace of the river. I imagined we were there with our grandchildren some very nearly at our destination at the years ago. Then it was on through end of the next village of Brightwell- Long Wittenham to the edge of cum-Sotwell. However, our travelling Nuneham Courtenay, and through companion pointed out that it was a the grounds of Nuneham Courtenay very long village – and it certainly was! Manor – which is apparently a Global The streets seemed to go on forever, Spiritual Retreat Centre, whatever that especially noticeable when you are is. tired. Only after we had passed the More fields, recently ploughed, had second parish church did I realise that to be crossed before we reached the Brightwell-cum-Sotwell is in fact two outskirts of Oxford at the Kassam villages that have been amalgamated, Stadium. We then got lost inside the hence the name.

67 shopping area with its high fences that separated us from the walkway on the other side where we should have been. In desperation, we tried to cross a slightly lower fence but were saved mid-climb by a lady who told us there was a gap in the fence at the bottom! I seriously thought Tom might have injured himself badly, but retracing our steps did not seem to be an option at the time. Then it was on through rubbish-strewn walkways between Littlemore and Blackbird Leys, across the bypass, and on to the Iffley Road and the home stretch. We finally arrived at the gates of Christ Church to the wonderful sound of Alannah playing her trumpet, as she had done 15 days ago on the steps of Canterbury Cathedral. That felt like a lifetime ago!

68 Zimbabwe A National Emergency Registered Charity No 1112949

You can make a donation by phone 020 7060 6643 or online www.zane.uk.com

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If you are new to ZANE, please tick if you are happy to receive our updates by post by email

Please complete this form and send it to: ZANE, PO Box 451, Witney OX28 9FY Preferred use of gift: Trustees’ Discretion , Pensioner Work , Impoverished Communities If a specified project is fully funded, donations will be used where most needed. ZANE does fantastic work Please tick the box below and make this gift and any donations made in the future, or made in the past 4 years, looking after vulnerable people worth 25% more with Gift Aid. Gift Aid is reclaimed by ZANE from the tax you pay for the current tax year. I have seen a little bit of Your address is needed to identify you as a current UK taxpayer. in Zimbabwe and showing ZANE’s work on the ground I am a UK taxpayer and understand that if I pay less income tax and/or Capital Gains tax than the amount of servicemen and women that and from what I have seen Gift Aid claimed on all of my donations in that tax year, it is my responsibility to pay any difference. they are not forgotten. They it is very, very impressive . . . Date  Signature  are professional, passionate ZANE is one of those lovely Please notify ZANE if you  and scrupulous about how the organisations that make a little • Want to cancel this declaration • Change your name or home address • No longer pay sufficient tax on your income and/ money is spent. bit of money go a long, long or capital gains. Please consider leaving a gift to ZANE in your will. Tick here for further information HMA Melanie Robinson way. ZANE is a good cause and I would like to make a regular gift via Direct Debit of £ every month OR £ quarterly UK Ambassador to Zimbabwe the money is properly and well OR £ annually. Please debit the above amount from my account on or around the  Former Executive Director spent. (tick as appropriate) 1st or 15th of (month) of the World Bank John Simpson cbe ZANE: Zimbabwe A A National National Emergency Emergency World Affairs Editor of the BBC Please fill in the form and send to: ZANE, PO Box 451, Witney OX28 9FY. 839975

Please pay ZANE Direct Debits from the account detailed in this Instruction subject to the safeguards assured by the Direct Debit Guarantee. I understand that this Instruction may remain with ZANE and, if so, details will be passed electronically to my bank/building society.

I have supported ZANE for many years as they do I am deeply impressed with the excellent work amongst the work of ZANE; one of those vulnerable in Zimbabwe. charities that make a little Banks and building societies may not accept Direct Debit Instructions for some types of account. DD15 HRH Prince Michael money go a long way. of Kent gcvo Baroness Royall of Blaisdon DONATE BY CHEQUE OR CARD I enclose a cheque for £ Former Labour leader of cheque payable to “ZANE: Zimbabwe A National Emergency” or please debit my Debit/Credit Card for £ the House of Lords Mastercard Visa Amex CAF Debit Name on Card  Card no Start date Expiry date Issue No Security Code Zimbabwe A National Emergency Registered Charity No 1112949

You can make a donation by phone 020 7060 6643 or online www.zane.uk.com

Title Initials Surname Address

Postcode Tel Email

If you are new to ZANE, please tick if you are happy to receive our updates by post by email 3251019

Please complete this form and send it to: ZANE, PO Box 451, Witney OX28 9FY Preferred use of gift: Trustees’ Discretion , Pensioner Work , Impoverished Communities If a specified project is fully funded, donations will be used where most needed. Please tick the box below and make this gift and any donations made in the future, or made in the past 4 years, worth 25% more with Gift Aid. Gift Aid is reclaimed by ZANE from the tax you pay for the current tax year. Your address is needed to identify you as a current UK taxpayer. I am a UK taxpayer and understand that if I pay less income tax and/or Capital Gains tax than the amount of Gift Aid claimed on all of my donations in that tax year, it is my responsibility to pay any difference.

Date  Signature  Please notify ZANE if you  • Want to cancel this declaration • Change your name or home address • No longer pay sufficient tax on your income and/ or capital gains. Please consider leaving a gift to ZANE in your will. Tick here for further information

I would like to make a regular gift via Direct Debit of £ every month OR £ quarterly OR £ annually. Please debit the above amount from my account on or around the (tick as appropriate) 1st or 15th of (month) 

ZANE: Zimbabwe A A National National Emergency Emergency

Please fill in the form and send to: ZANE, PO Box 451, Witney OX28 9FY. 839975

Please pay ZANE Direct Debits from the account detailed in this Instruction subject to the safeguards assured by the Direct Debit Guarantee. I understand that this Instruction may remain with ZANE and, if so, details will be passed electronically to my bank/building society.

Banks and building societies may not accept Direct Debit Instructions for some types of account. DD15

DONATE BY CHEQUE OR CARD I enclose a cheque for £ cheque payable to “ZANE: Zimbabwe A National Emergency” or please debit my Debit/Credit Card for £ Mastercard Visa Amex CAF Debit Name on Card  Card no Start date Expiry date Issue No Security Code To donate by post, please fill in the form overleaf

Please detach form and post in an envelope to: ZANE, PO Box 451, Witney OX28 9FY England

RESPECTING YOUR DATA Like any charity, we could not do our important work without being able to communicate with valued supporters like you. ZANE will never sell your details to any third party. You can find more information about how we use and look after your data and your rights, including what to do if you want to hear from us less or stop hearing from us, in our Privacy Policy. You can obtain a copy of this on our website (www.zane-zimbabweanationalemergency.com/policies.asp) or by: • calling 020 7060 6643 • emailing [email protected] • writing to us at ZANE, PO Box 451, Witney OX28 9FY. Reasons to support ZANE

1. ZANE provides aid, comfort and 6. ZANE funded the first clubfoot support to 1,800 impoverished correction programme in Zimbabwe. pensioners with nowhere else to Eleven treatment centres have been turn. Only those genuinely in need of established and over 3,550 children assistance receive it. have received treatment to date. 7. ZANE funds the provision of 2. Donors can choose which area of prosthetic limbs for victims of ZANE’s work they wish to support. landmine explosions and treatment 3. ZANE was the Telegraph Group for people with hearing loss. Overseas Charity of the year. 8. ZANE’s funds are subject to rigorous 4. ZANE is looking after 615 aged and audit and ZANE is proud that since frail veterans and their widows. These its foundation it has never lost money people fought for the Crown in the to collapsed banks, middlemen or Second World War, Malaya, Korea corruption. and Aden. Despite their loyal service 9. An independent consultancy to the UK, the overwhelming majority reviewed ZANE and the report are living with insufficient food and stated: limited healthcare. “The charity thrives on its 5. ZANE runs education programmes responsiveness, flexibility and lack in the high-density areas assisting of bureaucracy. Operationally, ZANE women and children living in extreme is frugal, focused and effective in poverty. delivering aid to the needy.”

If you want to save a life then please support ZANE

Zimbabwe A National Emergency You can make a donation by phone or online 020 7060 6643 www.zane.uk.com Reg Charity No 1112949