CONTENTS AND STAFF Contents Page 3 Fitness and Health Page 4 Business Pages 6-7 Wine & Brew Pages 8 Casual Dining Page 10 Night Life Pages 12-14 Theater Page 15 Travel Pages 16-19 Music Page 20 Romance Pages 21-37 Humor Pages 23-24 Valentines Humor Pages 34-37 USA Useless Facts Page 38 City Search Page 39 Classifieds Staff Publisher: Joyce Campisi Editor-in-Chief: Joyce Campisi Executive Editor: Joseph P. Campisi, III Production Manager: Rob Hoffman Photographer: Todd Brunozzi Graphic Designer: Donnie Garber Dennis Kostley Administrative Assistant: Tammie Miller Feature Writers: Paul E. Kimble, Trish Imbrogno,Christopher Harper, David Mayle, Diane Ference, Nannette Staropoli, Suz Pisano Contributing Writers: Bill Mace Jean Mace, Dottie Wilhelm, Lori Hon, Boris Pekol, Michelle Maggio Webmaster: Benjamin Auman Cover Photography: Nightwire 622 Second Avenue Pittsburgh, PA. 15219 Phone: 412-755-1055 • Fax: 412-755-1056 [email protected]/www.nightwire.net

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2 • February 2008 BUSINESS Half Empty Or Half Full By: Paul E. Kimble When considering the economy in Pittsburgh, do you firm of Washington, D.C., plans to move its national operations see the glass as half full or half empty? If you said center from Washington D.C. to downtown Pittsburgh. either, I’d have to say you’ve been looking at the wrong CardWorks, a credit card servicing company announced an glass. Pittsburgh’s economic “glass” is more than half expansion move from downtown to Station Square. Together, full. With so many people whispering the “R” word these actions will create 152 jobs in the region. Contrary to (recession) I thought I’d give you a few reasons to be popular belief, unemployment isn’t a problem in Pittsburgh, optimistic about the region’s economy. which is reason number three to be optimistic about the local Here’s reason number 1: Construction. Have you economy. traveled downtown lately? You can’t help but notice the How do you think the region fares in comparison to the rest bustle of construction activity. From the North Shore of the country when it comes to unemployment statistics? Connector to Three PNC Plaza, with Market Square According to the Department of Labor’s Bureau of Labor Place, Piatt Place, and the August Wilson Center for Statistics latest figures, unemployment is Pittsburgh sits at African American Culture nearby, signs of the $3 Billion 4%, four tenths of one per cent under the national rate. worth of development abound. In a few years, Surprised? From the same source we learn that over the last downtown Pittsburgh year, Pittsburgh ranks fifth will be almost among metropolitan areas unrecognizable with the of 1 million people or more addition to the in the per cent change in Penguins new arena, a unemployment, dropping a luxury hotel in addition half of a per cent. to all the other Pittsburgh trailed only commercial and Louisville, Boston, New residential projects Orleans and Seattle in either planned or terms of the drop in underway. Over on the unemployment over the North Shore, past year. We’ve already construction of the talked about all the Majestic Star casino construction going on in has begun, and the the region, and of course, Steelers just announced casinos and office plans to build an buildings and hotels entertainment complex require workers to build adjacent to Heinz Field. According to Continental Real them. The Majestic Star alone will employ 4,000 construction Estate, the firm chosen to help redevelop the North workers. In fact, the local building boom puts a strain on the Shore, there will be $2.3 billion in new construction local labor force, which means there’s never been a better time between Heinz Field and PNC Park, with approximately for someone to become an ironworker, carpenter, electrician, 350 apartments, office buildings and retail space. To the steam fitter, or boilermaker. east, the former Nabisco plant in East Liberty is being Maybe working a trade doesn’t appeal to you. Consider redeveloped as Bakery Square, featuring a mix of retail, unleashing your creative power as an entrepreneur. I recently office space, a hotel and housing. In addition, the new came across a terrific product, an infant bath tub with a built in 1.5 million square feet Children’s Hospital will open in digital thermometer. After years of testing bathwater the old- 2009. All of this construction represents my second fashioned way, I thought to myself, “I should’ve thought of reason for optimism: Investment. that!” The company who manufactures the innovative bath U. S. Steel Corporation just announced they will tub, Thorley Industries, is based in the Strip District, and invest $1 Billion to upgrade their Clairton Plant. This recently signed a $215 million licensing deal with Hasbro Inc., action, which represents the largest investment since to develop new products. What great ideas are bouncing the construction of the new Pittsburgh International around in your head right now? Airport, will ensure the continued viability of all of U. S. I hear what you’re saying, “the credit crunch is going to get Steel’s Mon Valley operations. Maybe you forgot, but us; the “R” word is coming.” Well, consider this—PMI Group we still make steel in Pittsburgh. Perhaps you’ve heard of California recently released figures on residential prices in of Westinghouse’s plans to build a $140 million nuclear the third quarter of 2007. Home values in the seven-county energy campus in Cranberry. While this means a shift of Pittsburgh region appreciated 4.65%. This increase some jobs from area within our region to another, represents a 2.32% gain over the third quarter of 2006. Westinghouse plans to add over 1,000 new jobs as they Pittsburgh was one of only seven regions to see home values fulfill a $5.3 Billion contract to build nuclear power go up during this period. As PNC's Chief Economist Stuart plants in China. Westinghouse also won a $200 million Hoffman said recently, "Pittsburgh never had a boom. We're service contract to help complete construction of the not having a bust." Watts Bar Nuclear Plant Unit 2, near Spring City, Never had a boom? Look around. Maybe we’re on the Tennessee. Companies large and small are adding jobs cusp of one now. all over the region. TechAssist, a Technology Consulting

4 • February 2008 FITNESS AND HEALTH Fitness With A Twist dancing is a form of dancing/gymnastics that takes muscular endurance and coordination as well as sensuality The dancer(s) may simply hold the pole, or use it to perform athletic moves; such as climbs, spins, and body inversions. This form of exercise increases upper body strength (by using the body itself as resistance) while toning the body as a whole. Fitness with a Twist offers beginner, intermediate and advanced classes. The 5 instructors at Fitness with a Twist are both fitness and pole certified with each

Pole dancing is the hottest fitness trend since the Stair Master, classes are popping up in fitness centers across America, and the Pittsburgh area is certainly no exception. Fitness with a Twist has just opened it second location on the South Side. Their first studio is located in Verona. Owner, Vanessa Connell knew that there was a demand for it, however, no one in Pittsburgh was offering classes. Her Verona location was so Casey Gibson, Instructor successful that she wanted to have a second studio closer to downtown. of them offering a style to fit everyone for 18 to 80. She knew that today’s gym goers want workouts that are They combine yoga and aerobics with the fun and physically demanding and can make them feel fit and sexy at excitement of pole dancing! This is an exclusive the same time. Pole dancing accomplishes all of that and so opportunity for an intense, full-body workout that will much more. Whether you are wearing 6-inch heels or your boost your self-confidence, it has been found to be very frumpiest T-shirt, as long as you have access to a pole, you empowering, liberating and will sculpt your body. can enjoy the health benefits of pole dancing, starting with the Imagine feeling excited about exercising once again! basic wrap-around Vanessa told us “once woman discover how sexy they moves. I are, and how good it feels to just fly around that pole, attended a class their transformation is truly amazing.” I couldn’t agree and I found it truly more, what an awesome experience, I loved it so much, incredible, what a I want my own pole and can’t wait till the next class. great total body Fitness with a Twist offers a variety of classes plus they workout. I never sell shoes, poles and clothing. They will provide you realized exercise with great easy to follow fun instruction for all ages. could be so much Their studio is beautifully decorated, immaculately clean fun! and a safe environment in which to work out. Plus, Pole dancing is they provide all the fun you can handle and you’ll get fit a beautifully at the same time. Come alone or bring friends for a progressive form great weekly “girls night out” or what a great place for a of aerobic Bachelorette, Birthday or any kind of Party! Call today exercise, with and get fit and feel sexy in 2008, trust me, you’ll love it!! many moves that So ladies, what are you are absolute beginners waiting for….. come on, 70 South Side of any age can give it a twirl!! Check out 21st Street Off master quickly, their website for more East Carson right up to information on their drop in Pittsburgh, PA 15203 demanding poses or regularly scheduled 6 And that challenge week classes.. 733 Allegheny River Blvd even experienced www.fitnesswithatwist.com Verona, PA dancers. Pole Call Vanessa today.. Phone: 412-377-5889 412-377-5889.

February 2008 • 3 February 2008 • 5 WINE AND SPIRITS What is Tequila? Tequila is Mexico’s national spirit. Like all other Tequila vs Mezcal alcoholic products, it is derived from fermentable sugar. All tequilas are mescal, but not all mescal is tequila. There are But tequila is unique in that its source of sugar is the key differences Blue Agave plant. The Blue Agave is a dramatically Tequila beautiful plant of blue coloring, similar in look to a giant *From agave grown primarily in the Jalisco region aloe. It can reach a height of six feet and although it *Uses juice from Weber Tequila Agave (Blue Agave). looks like a cactus, it is in fact a member of the Lily *Agave cooked inside ovens or autoclaves. family. At the heart of the Blue Agave is the “pina” – *Quality of tequilais monitored by Mexican government similar in appearance to a pineapple which produces the through the NORMA law. “aguamiel” or “honey water” that is the source of tequila. *Never has a worm. Much like cognac, which can only be produced in the Mezcal Cognac region of France, tequila must be produced *From agave grown in the Oaxaca region. within certain designed areas of Mexicoo, mostly in the *Uses juice from eighteen different varieties of agave, most state of Jalisco. In 1873 Don Cenobio Sauza named the notably Espadin. spirit “tequila” after the colonial town, Tequila, where it *Agave roasted in underground charcoal ovens, yielding a very was first produced. smokey taste. There are two categories of Tequila: *Frequently has a worm. *100% of the sugars come from the Blue Agave plant. The Norma Law: Guarantee of Quality *A more intense agave flavor. Mexico’s NORMA law specifies that all tequila must be made *May be bottled only in designated regions of Mexico. from Blue Agave grown in the Jalisco Mixto Tequila: region or a small number of other *At least 51% of sugars must come from designated areas. The NORMA law Blue Agave, the rest from other sources. also requires that distillery *A softer, more subtle agave flavor. identification – the NOM – appear on *May be shipped in bulk and bottled in the label of every authentic tequila. other countries. There are only 42 officially recognized The Four Types of Tequila: tequila distilleries in Mexico, each The four different types of tequila are based on identified by their unique NOM. The the aging technique. Sauza NOM number for example is NOM- Blanco 1102. Sauza is distinguished by owning Blanco, also know as silver, is a clear tequila its distillery, thereby ensuring total quality that is not aged. Its fresh, fruity flavor is the control. They proudly display the Sauza most direct expression of agave and makes name on every bottle of tequila they make. Blanco a great choice for mixed drinks. Blacos Making Tequila are the base for all other tequilas, so to get a Long before the Spanish arrived with good comparison between the “house styles” of sophisticated methods of distilling, the various distillers, you should compare their Aztecs were using the agave plant to Blancos. produce a sacred beverage. By cutting Joven away spiky leaves to expose the agave’s Joven or gold tequila is usually an un-aged tequila core, they were able to extract its juice and to which caramels have been added to create a create a milky, mildly alcoholic beverage rich, tawny color. As with Blancos, Jovens are called Pulque. While production methods best suited to mixed drinks. They tend to taste have evolved, the basic process for slightly sweeter than Blancos, and may have gathering agave juice and distilling it into caramel aromas. tequila has not changed all that much from Reposado colonial times. In fact, all agave must still Reposado or “rested” tequilas are aged in wood be harvested by hand, because of the tanks or barrels for at least two months. They are special skills required. often pale straw in color and are mellower than the The Skill of Jimador Blancos and Jovens. They provide smooth mixability for The key to qualikity tequila is to harvest agaves when they are more sophisticated cocktails or can be enjoyed straight. perfectly ripe, anywhere from 7 to 12 years. Knowing when to Anejo harvest the heart of the Blue Agave is a specialized skill of the Anejo tequila must be aged in oak barrels for twelve Jimador. months or more. It is gold to amber in color and has a Because plants mature at different rates, two agaves planted soft, smooth, complex flavor brought on by its marriage the same day can differ in harvest times by as much as four with the aromatic wood. This is the tequila to sip slowly years. Overly ripe agaves produce a heavy, too-sweet spirit. and appreciatively, just as you would a fine cognac or Under-ripe agaves produce a bitter flavorless tequila. A few armagnac. It is even delightful as an after-dinner drink. months prior to harvesting an agava plant, the Jimador will cut its central flower spike to encourage growth at the center.

6 • February 2008 WINE AND SPIRITS

This results in a great, swollen pina – the heart of the plant. Heart When the time is right, the Jimador uses a sharp, paddle- Valued for the alcohols and fatty acids that give shaped blade known as a Coa to slash off the leaves and tequila much of its texture and complexity. reveal the pina, which can weight 150 pounds or more. Tails Harvested pinas are brought to distillery where the pinas are Lowest in alcohol; may be discarded or added to shredded prior to cooking to allow for the most consistent the next batch of aguamiel for additional distilling. cooking possible. Tequila fro the first distillation is called ordinario, with Fermentation 25-35% alcohol. When enough ordinario has been The cooked agave is milled and steeped in hot water. If it is a collected, it is distilled a second time. The finished Mixto tequila, other sugars are added. 100% Blue Agave product is tequila with 40% alcohol. tequilas have no other sugars added. The resulting mixture – Sauza Stills aguamiel – now undergoes fermentation, using yeast to Sauza uses copper pot stills for its 100% Blue convert the sugars into alcohol. Sauza uses sealed stainless Agave tequilas to maximize the complexity of the steel tanks for this process, ensuring there is no risk of products. Stainless steel stills are used for Sauza contamination. Other producers utilize “open” tanks which Mixto tequilas to achieve the cleanest taste can carry a risk of introducing further impurities via possible. Different have different benefits: atmospheric transfer. Most modern distilleries, like Sauza, Copper: separate the pulp from the aguamiel to produce a fresher *A better conductor of heat. tasting tequila. Colder fermentation will create more *Acts as a catalyst for the development of complex complexity. Since few distilleries have refrigeration systems, flavors in the finished tequila. climate and housing of the fermentation tanks make a Stainless Steel: difference in the character of the finished tequila. Sauza *Heats more slowly strives to create a rich complexity in all its tequilas. *Does not activate as many reactions in the The Four Factors of Production Quality distillate. Quality of Agave – Water – Yeast – Hygiene Sauza Aging Distillation Wooden barrels are used to age distilled spirits, wine Distillation involves boiling and then condensing a liquid, and even some beers. Sauza uses American oak allowing different compounds to be captured at different barrels to age their anejo and reposado tequilas. boiling points. Controlling the separation and making the Delicate agave responds beautifully to the gentle proper selection of compounds is the “art” of distillation. aging these barrels provide. Hand charred bourbon A Distillation Run Has Three Stages: barrels and double-treated oak barrels release the Head sugars and other flavorings present in the wood. Usually discarded because of high alcoholic content and many Sauza Hornitos is rested in large American vats to unwanted compounds. deliver a smoother, more mature agave character.

Best Places To Taste Plata Cosmo 11/2 parts Sauza Tres Generaciones Plata Tequila Different Tequila’s 1 part DeKuyper Triple Sec Casey’s Draft House – 1 part lime juince 1811 E. Carson Street 1 part cranberry juice South Side New upstairs Tequila Bar Shake ingredients well and strain into a martini glass. Garnish with a lime twist. El Campesino Restaurante Mexicano – 5 locations- Cosmorita – Margarita & Cosmopolitan • Waterdam Centre, 4175 Washington Road, McMurray 1 1/2 parts Sauza Hornitos tequila • Northview Plaza, 4771 McKnight Road, North Hills 1/2 part DeKuyper Triple Sec • Jonnet Plaza, 4063 Wm. Penn Hwy., Monroeville 1/4 part fresh lime juice • Park Hills Plaza, 101 Park Hills Plaza, Altoona 1 part cranberry juice • Robinson Township,460 Home Drive, Robinson Shake over ice and serve in a martini glass, garnish with lime Drink Recipes: Perfect Tivo-Rita Gold Shot 2 parts Sauza Conmemorativo Tequila 3/4 part Sauza Gold Tequila 1 Part DeKuyper Triple Sec 1/4 part freshly squeezed lime juice 2 parts freshly squeezed lime juice Splash of club soda Shake with ice, pour into margarita glass Pour ingredients into sugar-rimmed shot glass. (salted rim optional). Garnish with a lime wedge.

February 2008 • 7 CASUAL DINING South Side Steaks by: Suz Pisano Marc also brought us the Buffalo Chicken Specialty “Steak” ($6.54) – tender, spicy chicken on the signature hoagie roll that’s brought in fresh daily from Philly. Not one bite of this sandwich was left on my tray. Sandwiches are served on traditional sandwich papers on trays- no plates here, but lots of paper towels. Don’t be shy digging in – remember I told you – it’s messy! We also sampled the Hot Sausage ($6.30) – accompanied with peppers & onions and the “Italian” Steak ($6.30) served with mushrooms, onions, peppers and homemade pizza sauce. The Italian was our favorite - something I would have

This month the Nightwire crew was invited to South Side Steaks where we noshed on some excellent sandwiches…….authentic Philly Cheesesteaks right here on Carson Street in the lovely & historic South Side. I have to admit, I had tried a Cheesesteak when this new venture came into my neighborhood and went back several times, but was never really wowed by the Cheesesteak. I can’t wait to tell you what has changed my mind! Marc, the owner had selected some of his favorites, which I’ll describe in detail in just a moment BUT I had an epiphany………a plain cheesesteak is just that - plain. We Pittsburgher’s never really had Philly Cheesesteaks so we don’t know how to order them or eat them for that matter (they’re messy!). I didn’t really know that I never ordered ended up being could order Ribeye Steak or Marinated my absolute favorite. I’m glad Chicken on my sandwich. (I’m sure it Marc made the choices - even on the menu, my bad.) No one ever though it seems like simple sandwiches told me that I should try some great - there are plenty to choose from. I would combination of ingredients or that suggest moving out of your comfort zone Cheez Whiz is a condiment. & try something different- an original Philly Real Cheez Whiz, Marc told Cheesesteak right here in your hometown. me I had to try it despite my South Side Steaks is open 11am to 11pm fear of the Whiz. This was Monday through Thursday and 11am until 3 am my veritable first Cheez Friday & Saturday nights. Check out the complete menu Whiz experience. He www.southsidesteaks.com. Tell Marc Nightwire sent you & stepped away, I took a bite, bring on the Whiz! the gooey Cheez Whiz was a perfect compliment to the Cheesesteak, Who would have knew? Tim, Tammie and even Joyce agreed – the Cheez Whiz is a definite. South Side Steaks offers 4 different kinds of cheese, but overcome the fear Pittsburgh, Cheez Whiz will make your day. You can even get it served over fresh hand cut fries with bacon! I personally would recommend it, it’s good…...and fun. Say Cheez Whiz- it’ll make you smile.

8 • February 2008 February 2008 • 9 NIGHT LIFE February Nightlife All event times subject to change. Please Tix: $25 adv, $27 dos | contact venue for show times and dates. Fri 02-22-08 Twiztid w/ Boondox, Nightwire is not responsible for incorrect Project Born, DJ Clay, Legally Insane or misprinted shows, times, dates, or Doors: 6pm, Music: 7pm - All Ages | venues. Tix: $18 adv, $20 dos | Sat 02-23-08 Benefit for the Millvale Sassy Marie’s Library [artists, ticket price, on sale 422 Foreland Street date TBA]Doors: 7pm, Music: 8pm - Pittsburgh, PA 15212 All Ages | Tix: TBA | (412) 246-0355 Thu 02-28-08 Secondhand Serenade 2-1 RML Jazz Family w/ Making April, White Tie Affair, 2-2 Stone Bridge Automatic Loveletter [on sale 2-8Martini Jazz 1/26]Doors: 6pm, Music: 7pm - All 2-9 Blues Junkies Ages | Tix: $12 adv, $14 dos | 2-15 Strange Brew Fri 02-29-08 91.3fm WYEP Presents 2-16 Dwayne Dolphin Big Head Todd and The Monsters w/ 2-20 Neon Swing X-perience Patrick Park Doors: 8pm, Music: 2-22 Blues Orphans 9pm - Ages: +21 | Tix: $20 adv, $22 2-23 Lisa Ferrero Quartet dos | 2-29 Shawnee Lake Sun 03-02-08 Emery w/ Mayday Parade, As Cities Burn, Pierce the Veil, Mr. Smalls Cry of the Afflicted 400 Lincoln Ave, Doors: 6:00pm, Music: 6:30pm - All Millvale, PA 15209 Ages | Tix: $15 adv/dos | 412.821.4447 Wed 03-05-08 Bang Camaro Thu 02-07-08 Dakota, RKS, The Doors: 7pm, Music: 8pm - All Ages | Outlook, Hollywood Boulevard, New Tix: $8 adv, $10 dos | American Classic, Underscore Adia Thu 03-06-08 The Black Dahlia Murder Doors: 6:00pm, Music: 6:30pm - All w/ Animosity, Odious Mortem [on sale Ages | Tix: $8 adv, $10 dos | 1/26] Doors: 6pm, Music: 7pm - All Sat 02-09-08 Santiago’s Six, Gonzo and Ages | Tix: $12 adv, $14 dos | the Revolution, Tranquilo, The Outlook Fri 03-07-08 The Black Lips w/ Doors: 6:30pm, Music: 7:00pm - All Quintron & Miss Pussycat Ages | Tix: $8 adv, $10 dos | Doors: 7pm, Music: 8pm - All Ages | Sun 02-10-08 Nautilus, No Alternative, Tix: $12 adv, $14 dos | Rockoteli, Shattered Innocence Sat 03-08-08 The Paul Green School Doors: 6:30pm, Music: 7:00pm - All of Rock All-Stars with Special Guest Ages | Tix: $8 adv, $10 dos | JON ANDERSON playing the music of Sat 02-16-08 The Failsafe, Beyond YES - Doors: 7pm, Music: 8pm - All Daylight, YD, Now Its the Last, Etiera Ages | Tix: $28 adv/dos | Doors: 6:30pm, Music: 7:00pm - All Ages | Tix: $8 adv, $10 dos | Moondogs Sun 02-17-08 Puddle of Mudd w/ 378 Freeport Rd, Neurosonic, Tyler Read Blawnox, PA 15238 Doors: 6pm, Music: 7pm - All Ages | 2-8 – Kelly Richey Tix: $23 adv, $25 dos | 2-9 – Guitar Shorty Tue 02-19-08 91.3fm WYEP Presents 2-29 – (tentative) Jason Ricci Citizen Cope Doors: 7pm, Music: 8pm - Ages: +21 |

10 • February 2008 February 2008 • 11 THEATER City Theatre Presents: Flight In a magical ring of light, the fables and rhythms of Production Stage Africa soar in Charlayne Woodard’s play with music set Manager. on a Savannah plantation. Charlayne Charlayne Woodard’s magical play with music, Woodard is a Flight, runs March 13 – April 6, 2008 on City Theatre’s stage and screen 272-seat mainstage. Featuring a cast of five and a actress and author percussionist, Flight will be directed by Liesl Tommy, a of three solo South African native who now lives and works in New plays, including York City. Flight is choreographed by Oronde Sharif, Pretty Fire (LA Artistic Director of the Shona Sharif African Drum and Drama Critics and Dance Ensemble. The percussionist is George Jones, NAACP Awards co-leader of the Pittsburgh-based Latin jazz quintet, for Best Play and Salsamba. Flight features Avery Sommers, who starred Best Playwright). in City Theatre’s hit production of Crowns, and On Broadway she Carnegie Mellon grad Taifa Harris, who last performed was nominated for Tony and Drama Desk awards for her at City Theatre in Valley Song. Also featured are role in the original company of Ain’t Misbehavin’ and DeWanda Wise and accomplished Pittsburgh-based received an Obie Award for her performance in In the actors Kevin Brown and Joshua Elijah Reese. Blood by Suzan-Lori Parks. Charlayne has appeared in Flight is set in 1858 in Savannah, Georgia where Oh many movies, including John Sayle’s Sunshine State Beah, Nate, Mercy, Ezra, and Alma are enslaved on a and M. Night Shyamalan’s Unbreakable. She also plays plantation. As the play begins, Li’l Jim has climbed into Sister Peg on Law &Order: SVU and appears often on a tree, distraught because that day his mother was sold ER. as punishment for teaching him to read. To comfort the Students and age 25 and younger may reserve $15 hiding boy, the community tells him stories. As each tickets in advance or may purchase $10 rush tickets at story begins, a magical ring of light appears onstage the Box Office beginning two hours before showtime. and the company members become the tale’s Seniors (age 60 and older) may purchase $15 rush characters, whether god, human, or animal. Using tickets at the Box Office beginning two hours before music, dance and song, the universal wisdom and showtime. humor of these fables will be an inspiration for the Groups of 10 or more receive significant discounts. whole family. Flight is suitable for audiences age 8 and Call Stacy Mathison at 412.431.4400 ext 227 or email: above. [email protected]. The design team for Flight is Tony Ferrieri (Scenic), Parking ($5) is available across from the theatre. Pei-Chi Su (Costumes), Marcus Doshi (Lighting), and Tickets are available at 412.431.CITY (2489) or City Karl Lundeberg (Sound/Composer). Patti Kelly is the TheatreCompany.org

CITY THEATRE PRESENTS Flight by Charlayne Woodard, March 13 – April 6, 2008

Preview Week Performance Schedule There will be a 1 pm matinee on Weds., March 26. Thurs. & Fri., March 13 & 14 at 8 pm; Sat., March 15 In addition, there will be a student matinee at 10 am at 5:30 pm; on Weds. April 2. Teachers wishing to bring classes to Sun., March 16 and Tues., March 18 at 7 pm this performance may contact Linus Craig at 412.431. 4400 ext. 274 or [email protected] OPENING NIGHT, Wednesday, March 19 at 8 pm. Where: City Theatre, one block off Carson at Bingham Regular Run Schedule and 13th Streets, South Side Tues. at 7 pm; Weds. thru Fri. at 8 pm; Sat. at 5:30 & 9 Tickets: $15 to $46. pm; Sun. at 2 pm.

12 • February 2008 February 2008 • 13 THEATER Les Ballets de Monte-Carlo Cinderella purity and exposes her body honestly, thus enlightening the stepsisters and stepmother, whose vanity and bombastic appearances mask their inner selves. Costume designer Jérôme Kaplan experiments with transparency and brilliance effects to illuminate this difference between Cinderella, who is sober and bare, and the masqueraders, who attempt to hide their bodies in absurd and distorted ways. Cinderella mixes refinement with the bizarre, antiquity with modernity. About the Set Design In cooperation with lighting designer Dominique Drillot, Ernest Pignon-Ernest has created a set for Cinderella that echoes the simplicity sought throughout the show. An oversized picture book serves as the main set piece, replicating a notebook as projections of sketches appear and disappear on the pages, suggesting climates for the scenes but The Pittsburgh Dance Council is proud to present two allowing the fluidity of imagination to take over. “Jean- exclusive US performances to be seen only in Pittsburgh Christophe Maillot's choreography always goes to the during 2008 of the ingenious, spellbinding production substance... with a perfect efficiency, both in symbol and Cinderella performed by Les Ballets de Monte-Carlo at narration.... One leaves this peformance blinded by the the Benedum Center on Saturday, February 23 at 8:00 intelligence of the interpretation, the beauty of the pictures and p.m. and February 24 at 2:00 p.m. This poetic the incredible virtuosity of the dancers” (La Tribune). adaptation of an often-imitated story is an exclusive Tickets ($56.50, $45.50, $36.50, $25.50) may be purchased opportunity to see Les Ballets de Monte-Carlo, directed at the Box Office at Theater Square (655 Penn Avenue), online by the inventive choreographer-director Jean-Christophe at pgharts.org or by calling (412) 456-6666. To purchase 10 or Maillot. “Dazzled, the audience left this delight with their more tickets at special discounted rates, please call (412) 471- heads up in the stars, their ears deep in music and their 6930. First Commonwealth is the 2007-2008 season sponsor eyes wrapped in dreams” (Nice Matin). of the Pittsburgh Dance Council; media sponsor is About Les Ballets de Monte-Carlo’s Cinderella WDUQ 90.5fm. This spectacularly riveting version of Cinderella exploits the supernatural aspects of the familiar fairy tale alongside deep character development seen as never before. “Each dancer – whether principal or corps de ballet – has the opportunity to express the essence of the character he or she dances...” (La Provence). Piquéing to a score by Prokofiev, Cinderella searches for true love, Prince Charming searches for himself, and they both reject the vain superficiality of everyone around them. Cinderella is advised to maintain simplicity above all else, and this purity becomes her most recognizable feature as symbolized by her bare foot, which sparkles radiantly when she attends the ball. This attention also pays tribute to the foot as a dancer’s point of balance, strength and elevation. Prince Charming kneels before her in awe of this simplistic beauty, which later causes him to abandon his sheltered life in search of worldly knowledge and his own identity. Even Cinderella’s elegantly simple ball gown exudes

14 • February 2008 TRAVEL Cold Weather Walking.. Don't Hibernate in Winter by: Diane Ference sore. I almost always use hiking boots in snowy weather even on paved surfaces. I found that walking shoes leak while good hiking boots keep your feet dry and they keep you from sliding in the snow and ice. Invest in a good lightweight boot that is just a bit larger than your normal shoe size. Wear a thin sock liner and a heavy pair of socks leaving a little room so your feet don't get cramped and they won't get cold. Never wear smooth soled walking shoes in wet or snowy weather as their traction is negligible on wet leaves or icy patches. You need lug soled shoes or you risk injury from falling. The Well Equipped Fanny Pack… Always take a fanny pack with the following items: tissues, lip protection, a fold-up poncho, sunscreen (yes, winter sun is harmful), dry skin cream, sunglasses (to cut glare on snow and ice), and water if you are away from convenience stores as water fountains are turned off in the winter. If the weather looks the least bit threatening I also carry a small travel umbrella hanging by a loop from my fanny pack belt. I have quarters for pay phones or soda machines. My fanny packs are larger than normal but I feel much better prepared while walking. What is Too Cold? Here in the Pittsburgh, the weather in January and February can be brutal. We have had days with wind chill indices below zero and I have walked 10 KM walks many times. But, when the wind is blowing extremely hard and Enjoying Your Winter Walks: A Guide to Being it is very damp, I have wimped out and done 5 KM and Prepared….Have you ever walked when the temperatures and headed for the nearest place to get hot chocolate. Wind wind chills together are below freezing? Have you enjoyed it? chills below zero may damage the skin on your cheeks if I have on many occasions gone out and walked 10 kilometers you do not protect yourself. I do have a ski mask that I when the weather advisories tell us not to be out and about. have worn once in order to protect myself. If you sense If you prepare yourself for winter walking, you can have a body parts getting numb, shorten your walk and don't really lovely walk. Here's a few tips to follow. risk injuries to yourself. I spent one month working above Dressing in Layers… the Arctic Circle in Alaska and I have seen what can Everyone always tells you to dress in layers. What does it happen when you ignore signs of frostbite. I walked many really mean? In order to feel comfortable as your body AVA events here near Washington DC in temperatures in adjusts to the outside air and you "work up a sweat" from the teens and found them very pleasant walks because I your exercising, you have to have clothing that can easily be adapted my clothing and accessories to the climate. The shed if you start overheating. Very heavy weight turtle necks splendor of the Korean War Memorial at 9 AM on a brisk or wool sweaters do not allow you to cool down enough while snowy Sunday morning is a pleasure few people have walking. Light weight long underwear under a light weight experienced. An amazingly bright day at Bombay Hook turtle neck, fleece and/or nylon outerwear works well until the Wildlife Refuge Delaware in February with the hundreds of temperature goes below freezing. Then a sweater or tee shirt water fowl and very few people was another pleasant also layered with the other clothes or a down vest will make walk even though icy wind-driven snow was all over the up the difference. i usually wear long underwear, sweat pants, walk route. There the wind chills were in the single digits turtleneck and tee shirt with some sort of down filled but I very much enjoyed that walk. You will never enjoy outerwear when it is really cold. I add one of those scarves your walk if you are sliding on icy pavement or your that has head covering built in as well as a ski headband, hands or ears are freezing. Taking a little time to prepare glove liners and mittens when I start. Usually the scarf and makes it all worthwhile. mittens come off once I warm up but I still am protected from And In My Car! the effects of the wind. In the winter my car trunk looks like a second closet. If the temperatures rise as I walk, I take the outerwear off While walking in the winter, be sure to take extras of and tie it around my waist while still warm enough in the other everything for changing before driving home. If it rains or three layers. If long underwear is too warm for you, try tights sleets or snows while I am walking, I know a dry or leggings under unlined cotton sweat pants. The two layers sweatshirt, sweat pants, pair of socks and shoes awaits cut the wind that will otherwise seep through one pair of me in my trunk. I also carry a walking stick, umbrella, rain pants or sweats. Don't wear denim jeans as they give zero gear and fleece lined jackets. If I get wet on the trail, no protection from the cold. problem! If you like to walk and don't want to stop when Shoes and Socks… it's cold or rainy, just plan ahead. Good shoes and socks are also essential for winter walking. Shoes that stand up to snow and rain will keep you from the misery of damp cold feet that become cracked and

February 2008 • 15 MUSIC Neon Swing X-perience

the blues on street corners. In Texas, jump- swing rhythm is playing on the jukeboxes in every gin joint, dive bar, and watering hole from Austin to Dallas and all points in between. And America’s first radio station broadcasts swing to every blue-collar family sitting in their living room, mobster drinking moonshine at a nearby speakeasy, and chef preparing a gourmet meal in a supper club kitchen in Pittsburgh. Fast forward to the 21st century where Neon Swing X-perience is harkening back to (and reinventing) the sounds of the 30s, 40s, and 50s. Walking into a Neon Swing show is like stepping back in time – to an era where music was hot, martinis were strong, zoot suits were sharp, and romance was sparked on the dance floor. Mike Urick, founder of Neon Swing X- The year is 1939. Amidst the glitz and glamour of perience, explains how the group channels the spirit of a Hollywood, one type of music can be heard in the bygone era: “Neon Swing X-perience’s idea sounds smoky bars over the monotone hum of dirty neon lights. simple…but we’re the only band bold enough to do it. Put on Hundreds of miles away, a big band is playing to a a Glenn Miller record and speed it up. Then add the heart and frenzied mob of jitterbug fanatics stompin’ away at the soul of a rockabilly band. Turn up the horns. Give Louis Savoy. In New Orleans, Dixieland musicians are swinging Armstrong a couple shots of whiskey, hand him a Cuban cigar, and send him onstage to sing. Mix in a bunch of vintage Americana music styles. Then serve it HOT!” “If the same mainstream music insiders that brought us Britney Spears, boy bands, pop-country schmaltz, and overproduced rap hits think swing is un-cool, then we say it’s cool to be un-cool,” Urick responds. “Being un-cool is about doing your own thing regardless of what everyone else is doing. Keeping it real and having your own sound – just like Benny Goodman, Louis Prima, and Elvis Presley did during the golden age of American music – that’s what we’re about. ” And this has been the theory behind each Neon Swing X- perience tune since 1998. In 2005 they came in 4th place in the Graffiti Rock Challenge, there were the only swing band in 19 years to rank in this competition, which had been dominated by hard rock acts. 2008 is the band’s ten year anniversary, they currently have 6 albums and are planning another album release later this year. You can see Neon Swing X-perience at Sassy Marie’s - North Side on the corner of 422 Foreland and St. James Street in the Footnote above Sassy Marie’s for reservations call…. 412-246-0355. Catch them Wednesday, February 20 at 7:30PM – Free Swing Dance lesson provided by Steel City Ballroom begin at 7PM. For additional information on Neon Swing X-perience, visit their website www.neonswing.com or www.neonswing.net or visit their MySpace page www.myspace.com/neonswingxperience.

16 • February 2008 YOGA TRIBAL BELLY DANCE MODERN DANCE CAPOEIRA

SPECIALIZED MASSAGE breathe YOGA 1113 East Carson Street 3rd Floor Historic South Side 412/481.YOGA www.breathe-yogastudio.com

February 2008 • 17 MUSIC Dark Star Orchestra photos by Todd Brunozzi 1997, after guitarist John Kadlecik contacted keyboardist Scott Larned with a concept -- performing complete Grateful Dead shows out of history. When Scott mentioned having the same idea, John knew they were on to something. The newly formed Dark Star Orchestra secured four Tuesday night gigs at Martyrs' in Chicago. The first night, November 11, 1997, saw only 78 people, but by the fourth week they had sold out the room and since these humble beginnings, the band has gone on to perform over 1500 shows worldwide. It's really about the sound that’s created. It's about a "For us it's a chance to sense of familiarity. It's about a feeling that grabs recreate some of the magic that was created for us over the listeners and takes over. It's about a contagious energy: years," DSO guitarist and vocalist, Rob Eaton explains. "We it's about the experience. offer a sort of a historical perspective at what it might have Dark Star Orchestra has been delivering this been like to go to a show in 1985, 1978 or whenever. Even for experience to old and new Grateful Dead fans since Deadheads who can say they've been to a hundred shows in the 90s we offer something they never got to see live." Tragically, during the band’s 2005 spring tour, band co- founder Scott Larned died of a heart attack. The band has reeled ever since while featuring the talents of a series of guest keyboardists and vocalists until Rob Barraco permanently joined the band in the summer of 2007. Playing a full Hammond B3 and on vocals, Barraco channels to the sound of three of the Grateful Dead’s keyboardists. On lead guitar and vocals, John Kadlecik sings with an uncanny resemblance to Jerry Garcia, using amp rigs and equipment to suit the near-exact, Garcia guitar tone from the show being recreated. When the show is from the 70s, vocalist Lisa Mackey provides the female harmonies, performing the Donna Jean Godchaux parts in perfect key. Dino English combines his

18 • February 2008 MUSIC

training in percussion and jazz and his experience in Dead- fans. In addition to recreating complete historic oriented groups to deliver the rhythmic drumming sounds of Grateful Dead shows, DSO occasionally incorporates Bill Kreutzmann. On the other drum set, Rob Koritz, a classical their original ordered set lists of GD songs, creating a and jazz influenced musician gets into the soul and spirit of unique experience for fans hearing songs that would the music while filling the Mickey Hart role. Like Phil Lesh, not normally be grouped together. Kevin Rosen provides a very distinctive and fluid style of bass The group has begun to play two and three night playing in addition to his devotion to the music of the Dead. stands in towns where the audiences are growing and On rhythm guitar and vocals, Rob Eaton provides an extension coming out to enjoy the experience of a Dark Star of the incredible feeling, instrumentation and tone created by Orchestra show. The timeless music of the Grateful Dead co-founder Bob Weir. Dead has no age boundaries as fans at DSO shows In November of 1998, on the eve of their first anniversary, range in age from teenager to post-baby boomer. Mike Gordon and Jon Fishman of Phish joined Dark Star at The Grateful Dead’s music is brought to life in Martyrs' after their own show. Fishman sat in for the majority Pittsburgh as Dark Star Orchestra keeps Truckin’. DSO welcomes new keyboardist Rob Barraco, celebrates 10 years of touring and over 1,500 shows on Sunday, February 17 at 8:00 PM at the Carnegie Music Hall of Homestead. For more information about DSO or the Carnegie Music Hall of Homestead show, visit their website, www.darkstarorchestra.com.

of the evening, which included a rollicking drum section with four percussionists. The ensuing buzz caused national interest in the band. That winter, their Colorado tour sold out almost every stop, their MP3 web site was getting millions of hits and everyone wanted to know how they got their sound so precise. Soon after, the Washington Post declared them “the hottest Grateful Dead tribute act going”; USA Today claimed DSO was “channeling the Dead,” but what they do is not simply a tribute to the Grateful Dead rather a testament to the enormous number of unique set lists they performed in their long career. Continuing its growth, the band had performed up to 250 dates in a year. They have grown continually, playing at larger venues and theaters, collaborating with guests including Grateful Dead alumni Bob Weir, Bill Kreutzmann, Donna Jean Godchaux-Mackay, Vince Welnick, and Tom Constanten. In 2007 Dark Star Orchestra performed over 150 shows throughout the U.S to over 130,000 Deadheads and music

February 2008 • 19 ROMANCE Singles in the City By Nannette Staropoli As founder of Fusion Private Club, Nannette Staropoli We all know someone who has avoided going to an event has the ultimate little black book for social activities and when they couldn’t find a date. Or perhaps you’ve events and is ready to share advice with Pittsburgh “grabbed a date” even when you knew you’d be happier readers about being single – from where to go and what alone. Common problems, no matter what age you are. to do – to personal advice on being single in the city. So who really creates the single stigma? Do we do it to With help from her daughter Fallon, readers will get ourselves or do we allow society to create the stigma? perspectives from twenties to forty plus. Comments, What can we do to change things? If you’re married or in suggestions or questions, contact Nannette at a steady relationship, don’t forget what it was like to be [email protected]. single. You walked in their shoes at one time. In case you The Single Stigma forget, listed below is a quick guideline to help freshen Whether we want to admit it or not, there is societal your memory. pressure about being single. Regardless if you are 25 or 40, friends, parents, peers - and sometimes ourselves Guidelines for singles - contribute to the unspoken stigma of being single. 1. Do not dump your friends when a guy or gal comes Mother’s ask, “When am I going to be a grandmother?” along In our twenties and early thirties friends get married left 2. Do take occasional vacations sans mate and right - one chicken dance after the next. By your 3. Do invite single friends (especially without mates) to 30’s, you really start to notice. The third wheel dinner syndrome is present and invites to couples events 4. Do not bug your friend about not being married become sparse. Think about it. How often do you hear 5. Don’t think happiness requires a mate and a home in of someone who took a vacation to St. Thomas with the suburbs their best friend and her husband? You don’t and probably won’t anytime soon. Single? Enjoy! Singlehood has its advantages and plenty of them. Don’t let society pressure you, nor pressure yourself. In case you forget the advantages about being single, enjoy our list of reasons to celebrate singlehood. Pittsburgh is filled with a ton of activities and venues for singles of all ages. Catch us next month with our top list of activities and events especially for you. Top 10 reasons to celebrate being single 1. Girls and Guys night out is a regular occurrence 2. Sloppy is totally acceptable 3. No in-laws 4. No one to criticize your spending habits 5. Serial dater is not a bad label 6. No four hour dinners with your mates dreaded best friend 7. You can stay out until “whenever” 8. You can hop a plane to anywhere in a NY minute 9. Less expenses at the holidays And last but not least …. 10. You can end the relationship without losing half your house.

20 • February 2008 HUMOR Valentines Fun man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The A smart, handsome and sexy young man dressed in the most lawyer sued and WON! (Stay with me.) In delivering the sophisticated manner walked into the bar. He noticed a ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that woman staring at him without blinking her eyes with an open the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, mouth. Flattered, he approached the woman and said in his that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which sexiest deep voice - "I'll do anything you wish, beautiful lady, it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also for just $20 but on one condition." The woman was trapped in guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without a moment and asked as if in a trance - "What's your defining what is considered to be unacceptable and was condition?" The young man replied, "Tell me your wish in just obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy three words." After a long pause, woman opened her purse, and costly appeal process, the insurance company counted the money and handed it to the man along with her accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for address. She then looked deeply into his eyes and whispered, his rare cigars lost in the "fires". NOW FOR THE BEST "Clean my house." PART...... After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of A very shy guy goes into a pub on Valentine's Day night and ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony sees a beautiful woman at the bar. After a long struggle with from the previous case being used against him, the his shyness, he finally managed to walk over to her and asked lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured her politely, "Um, would you mind if I give you company?" She property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a made a furious face and yelled at the top of her lungs, "How $24,000 fine. This is a true story and was the First Place dare you asked me to sleep with you tonight?" Everyone in the winner in the recent Criminal pub started staring at the man who was completely Lawyers Award Contest. ONLY IN AMERICA! NO embarrassed. After a few minutes, woman walked over to him WONDER THIRD WORLD COUNTRIES THINK WE'RE and apologized - "You see I am a student of psychology and NUTS. studying how people respond to embarrassing situations. I am sorry but I was just doing my experiment!" The young man Top Lines Used By Police suddenly gave a loud yell, "What do you mean $200?" These were taken off actual police car videos around the country... After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a • ‘You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, one you just went through. but I was in love and didn't notice it." • 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.' A couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, • If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband decided to certificate a worthless document. make a wish, too but he leaned over too much, fell into the • 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired. well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment but • 'Can you run faster than 1200 ft/second? Because then smiled, "It really works!" that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.' • 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every that means I can write anything I want on the word you say, talk in your sleep. ticket,huh? • 'Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy: "You're think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift lucky, mine's still alive." supervisor? • 'Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you A woman walks into a post office and notices a middle-aged, not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket. well-dressed man standing at the counter methodically placing • ‘The answer to this last question will determine "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over whether you are drunk or not.Was Mickey Mouse a cat them. As he seals each envelop he sprays it with a puff of or a dog?' perfume. The woman's curiosity gets the better of her, so she • 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen,fair is a place goes up to the man and asks what he is doing. The man where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and replies, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess corn dogs and step in elephant poop. who?'" "But why?" she asks. "Because I'm a divorce lawyer," • 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife the man replies. gets a toaster oven. • 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC. Best Lawyer Story of the Year • 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had? A Charlotte, NC lawyer purchased a box of very rare and • 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, expensive cigars, then insured them against fire, among other but now we'reallowed to write as many tickets as things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of we can. these great cigars and without yet having made even his first • 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim friend of yours. So you know someone who can post against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated your bail.'AND THE WINNER IS.... the cigars were lost in "a series of small fires". The insurance • 'You didn't think we givepretty women tickets? You're company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the right, we don't...... Sign here.'

February 2008 • 21 HUMOR Always a Steeler Fan!!!!! On the first day of school a first grade teacher explains and arguing about who loves his team more. The Cowboys to her class that she is a Patriots fan. fan insists he is the most loyal. 'This is for the Cowboys!' he She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, yells, and jumps off the side of the mountain. are Patriots fans. Wanting to impress their teacher, Not to be outdone, the Eagles fan shouts, 'This is for the everyone in the class raises their hand except one little Eagles!' and throws himself off the mountain. The Steelers fan girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise, 'Janie, is next to profess his love for his team. He yells, 'This is for why didn't you raise your hand?' 'Because I'm not a everyone!' and pushes the Patriot fan off the mountain. Patriots fan,' she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Patriots fan, then who are Creative Tax Planning you a fan of?' 'I am a Steelers fan, and proud of it,' Janie A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Janie, she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we why pray tell are you a Steelers fan?' 'Because my mom begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, is a Steelers fan, and my dad is Steelers fan, so I'm a address and social security number. Then he asks, "What is Steelers fan too! ‘Well,' said the teacher in a obviously your occupation?" "I'm a prostitute,” she says. The accountant annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Steelers is somewhat taken back and says, "No, No, No. That won't fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the work. Let's try to rephrase that." The woman says, "OK, I'm a time. What if your mom were an idiot and your dad were high-end call girl." "No and no; that still won't work. Try again." a moron, what would you be then?' 'Then,' Janie smiled, They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an 'I'd be a Patriots fan.' elite chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?" Football Humor "Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year." "Chicken Four football fans - a Cowboys fan, an Eagles fan, a Farmer it is." Steelers fan, and a Patriots fan - are climbing a mountain

22 • February 2008 VALENTINES HUMOR Special Gifts for Valentines Day Worst Thing You Can Say I just love to do special things for my wife on Valentine's day! On A First Date Simple things like: • I used to have a real bad bedwetting problem ... but Open the door for her when she puts all the laundry in the the last couple of weeks I've gotten it under control. washing machine, • I know we just met and this might seem a little Plug and unplug the vacuum as she moves from room to room sudden ... but could I borrow five hundred dollars? cleaning. • I don't see my ex-girlfriend that much ... thanks to Guys, it's these little thoughtful things you can do to have a the U.S. Department of Justice." great marriage! • Wait till my wife hears about this! • I had a good time tonight. I'd love to see you again in Here's A List Of What NOT To Give Her For six to eight months with good behavior. Valentines Day: 1. A box of chocolates, clumsily rearranged in an attempt to Personal Ads Explained hide the fact you ate all the good ones. How honest are people likely to be in describing 2. Lingerie that you think will look almost as good on her as themselves or what they seek? This is a compilation of on the Victoria's Secret model. possible interpretations of the most commonly used 3. Any clothing item with the words "push-up" or "slim- words and phrases in personal ads. down" on the label. AFFECTIONATE LADY SOUGHT 4. Any food item with the words "diet", "light", or "high Schoolboy seeks filthy-minded older woman with fiber" on the label. gigantic tits. 5. Any video starring Sylvester Stallone, Jim Carrey, or Jenna ARTIST Jameson. Likes to decorate the Christmas tree, or: broke, 6. Flowers from a hospital's gift shop--or worse, a smokes a lot of dope and talks nonsense about mortuary's. Existentialist Expressionism. 7. Poetry, no matter how heartfelt, that starts out "There was ATTRACTIVE once a girl from Nantucket..." Ugly 8. Anything you ever gave another woman, including your AVERAGE HEIGHT mother. For a pygmy. 9. Any household appliance, power tool or other item from AVERAGE WEIGHT the harder side of Sears. For an elephant of hippo. 10. A gift certificate. BEAUTIFUL 11. Cash. Her mother used to tell her that she was a beautiful 12. Anything you could have bought at the gas station mini- little girl. That was 45 years ago. mart on the way over, even if you didn't. BISEXUAL GIRLS SOUGHT 13. An apologetic look and the words "That was today?" Dirty old man wants to watch lesbians in action BONDING RELATIONSHIP SOUGHT Interpreting Dreams "Bonding" is the key word. Expect handcuffs and After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed leather implements. that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What BUSINESSMAN do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight." he said. That Old, divorced, fat fart. Sells fake furs in flea markets. evening, the man came home with a small package and gave CARING RELATIONSHIP SOUGHT it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled Sponging, 100% supportive relationship sought. "The meaning of dreams" Gift Alternatives Men and Sex There were three men drinking in a bar, a doctor, an A recent study was made to find out what days men prefer to attorney and a biker. As the doctor was drinking his have sex? It was found that men preferred to engage in sexual white wine he said, "For Valentine's Day I'm going to activity on the days that started with "T": buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring. This way Tuesday – Thursday - Thanksgiving – Today – Tomorrow - if she doesn't like the fur coat she will still love me Thaturday and Thunday because she got a diamond ring." As the attorney was drinking his martini he said, "For Valentine's Day I'm Valentine's Day One-liners going to buy my wife a designer dress and a gold • Love may not make the world spin around, but it certainly bracelet. This way if she doesn't like the dress she will makes a lot of people dizzy. still love me because she got the gold bracelet." As the • Here's to love - the only fire for which there is no insurance. biker was drinking his shots of whiskey he said, "For • Roses are red...Violets are blue....you look like a monkey and Valentine's Day I'm going to buy my wife a t-shirt and a you smell like one too!! vibrator. This way if she doesn't like the t-shirt she can go f*** herself!"

February 2008 • 23 VALENTINES HUMOR Valentine's Day Poem Hearts and roses and kisses galore... What the hell is all that shit for? Animal-Rights Activist People get mushy and start acting queer If you love somebody, Set her free...In fact, all living creatures It is definitely the most annoying day of the year deserve to be free!! This day needs to get the hell over with and pass Lawyers Before I shove a dozen roses up Cupid's ass If you love somebody, Set her free...Clause 1a of Paragraph I'll spend the day so drunk I can't speak 13a-1 in the second amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom And wear all black for the rest of the week Act clearly states that... Guys act all sweet, but it soon will fade Bill Gates For all they are doing is trying to get laid If you love somebody, Set her free...If she comes back, I think The arrow Cupid shot at me must not have hit we can charge her for re-installation fees and tell her that Because I think love is a crock of shit she's also going to get an upgrade. So there's the story...what else can I say? Biologist Love bites my ass...F*** Valentines Day! If you love somebody, Set her free...She'll evolve. Statistician If You Love Somebody If you love somebody, Set her free...If she loves you, the I always thought the original saying was, "If you love probability of her coming back is high. If she doesn't, your something, set it free. If it doesn't come back to you, it relation was improbable anyway. wasn't yours to begin with." However, for the purposes Schwarzenegger's Fan of this test, let's use the proposed version. In which If you love somebody, Set her free...SHE'LL BE BACK! category do *you* fall? Over Possessive "The Old Version" If you love somebody don't set her free. If you love somebody, Set her free... HR Specialist If she comes back, she's yours, If you love somebody set her free by offering her VRS and If she doesn't, she never was.... other benefits, then outsource her. "The New Versions" MBA Pessimist If you love somebody set her free...instantaneously...and look If you love somebody, Set her free ... for others simultaneously If she ever comes back, she's yours, Psychologist If she doesn't, well, as expected, she never was. If you love somebody set her free...If she comes back, her Optimist super ego is dominant If you love somebody, Set her free ... If she doesn't come, back her id is supreme. If she doesn't Don't worry, she will come back. go, she must be crazy. Suspicious Somnambulist If you love somebody, Set her free ... If you love somebody set her free...If she comes back, it's a If she ever comes back, ask her why. nightmare. If she doesn't, you must be dreaming. Impatient Rhett Butler If you love somebody, Set her free ... If you love somebody set YOURSELF FREE. If she asks you If she doesn't comes back within some time forget her. why say you don't give a damn. Patient ERP Functional Expert If you love somebody, Set her free ... If you love somebody set her free... If she comes back, map If she doesn't come back, continue to wait until she her into your system. comes back ... If she doesn't, carry out a gap-fit analysis Playful Finance Expert If you love somebody, Set her free ... If you love somebody set her free...If she comes back, its time * If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her free to look fresh loans. again, repeat * If she doesn't, write her off as an asset gone bad. Vengeful Marketing Expert If you love somebody, Set her free... If you love somebody set her free...If she comes back, she has If she doesn't come back, brand loyalty Hunt her down and shoot her. If she doesn't, reposition the brand in new markets. C++ Programmer if(you-love(m_she)) m_she.free()if(m_she == NULL) m_she= new CShe;

24 • February 2008 February 2008 • 25 HUMOR The Blind Man... One day, there was a blind man sitting on the steps of a Crystal Clear nail polish to the threads of the screws before building with a hat by his feet and a sign that read: "I tightening them. am blind, please help." A creative publicist was Coca-Cola cure for rust ... Forget those expensive rust walking by and stopped to observe. He saw that the removers. Just saturate an abrasive sponge with Coca Cola blind man had only a few coins in his hat. He dropped and scrub the rust stain. The phosphoric acid in the coke is in more coins and, without asking for permission, took what gets the job done. the sign and rewrote it. He returned the sign to the Cleaning liquid that doubles as bug killer ... If menacing blind man and left. That afternoon the publicist returned bees, wasps, hornets, or yellow jackets get in your home and to the blind man and noticed that his hat was full of bills you can't find the insecticide, try a spray of Formula 409 . and coins. The blind man recognized his footsteps and Insects drop to the ground instantly. asked if it was he who had rewritten his sign and Smart splinter remover ..just pour a drop of Elmer's Glue-All wanted to know what he had written on it. The publicist over the splinter, let dry, and peel the dried glue off the skin. responded: "Nothing that was not true. I just wrote the The splinter sticks to the dried glue. message a little differently." He smiled and went on his Hunt's tomato paste boil cure ....cover the boil with Hunt's ! way. The new sign read: "Today is Spring and I cannot tomato paste as a compress. The acids from the tomatoes see it." soothe the pain and bring the boil to a head. Sometimes we need to change our strategy. If we Balm for broken blisters ...To disinfect a broken blister, dab always do what we've always done, we'll always get on a few drops of Listerine a powerful antiseptic. what we've always gotten. And remember too, Heinz vinegar to heal bruises ... Soak a cotton ball in white sometimes it's not WHAT we say, it's HOW we say it!! vinegar and apply it to the bruise for 1 hour. The vinegar reduces the blueness and speeds up the healing process. Chinese Proverb Kills fleas instantly . Dawn dish washing liquid does the trick. "When someone shares something of value with you Add a few drops to your dog's bath and shampoo the animal and you benefit from it, you have a moral obligation to thoroughly. Rinse well to avoid skin irritations. Goodbye fleas. share it with others." Rainy day cure for dog odor ... Next time your dog comes in from the rain, simply wipe down the animal with Bounce or Good Tips! any dryer sheet, instantly making your dog smell springtime Did You Know That? Drinking two glasses of Gatorade fresh. can relieve headache pain almost immediately -- Eliminate ear mites ... All it takes is a few drops of Wesson without the unpleasant side effects caused by corn oil in your cat's ear. Massage it in, then clean with a traditional "pain relievers." cotton ball. Repeat daily for 3 days. The oil soothes the cat's Stuffy Nose….Before you head to the drugstore for a skin, smothers the mites, and accelerates healing. high-priced inhaler filled with mysterious chemicals, try Quaker Oats for fast pain relief ....It's not for breakfast chewing on a couple of curiously strong Altoids anymore! Mix 2 cups of Quaker Oats and 1 cup of water in a peppermints. They'll clear up your stuffed nose. bowl and warm in the microwave for 1 minute, cool slightly, Achy muscles from a bout of the flu? Mix 1 Tablespoon and apply the mixture to your hands for soothing relief from of horseradish in 1 cup of olive oil. Let the mixture sit arthritis pain. for 30 minutes, then apply it as a massage oil, for instant relief for aching muscles. Possibly The Best Chicken And Egg Joke Yet Sore throat? Just mix 1/4 cup of vinegar with 1/4 cup A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning of honey and take 1 tablespoon six times a day. The against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied vinegar kills the bacteria. smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit p*ssed off, grabs the Cure urinary tract infections with Alka-Seltzer. Just sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered dissolve two tablets in a glass of water and drink it at THAT question." the onset of the symptoms. Alka-Seltzer begins eliminating urinary tract infections almost instantly even Hungry? though the product was never been advertised for this A women asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and use. Note: Alka-Seltzer Plus Cold Medicine is not the eggs? A slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit and same and contains aspirin, which can cause stomach coffee?" He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry bleeding if you have ulcers.) right now. It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge Honey remedy for skin blemishes ... Cover the off my appetite." At lunchtime she asked him if he would like blemish with a dab of honey and place a Band-Aid over something, "A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese it. Honey kills the bacteria, keeps the skin sterile, and sandwich? Once again he declines. "The Viagra," he says, speeds healing. Works overnight. "really thrashes my desire for food." Come dinnertime, she Listerine therapy for toenail fungus ... Get rid of asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib unsightly toenail fungus by soaking your toes in eye and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken Listerine mouthwash. The powerful antiseptic leaves or tasty stir fry?" He declines again. "No, it's got to be the your toenails looking healthy again. Viagra, I'm still not hungry." "Well, she say's, "would you mind Easy eyeglass protection ... To prevent the screws in letting me up? I'm starving." eyeglasses from loosening, apply a small drop of

26 • February 2008 February 2008 • 27 HUMOR Duck Hunter joke A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the one for you! What'll it be, Gentlemen?" There seemed to be a marsh when he decided to take a leak.... He walked fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ask for a martini. In over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust short order, the bartender serves up four iced martinis... of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged... Shaken, not stirred, and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, shooting him in the genitals. Several hours later, lying in please." The four men stare at the bartender for a moment, a hospital bed he was approached by his doctor. "Well then look at each other... They can't believe their good luck. sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another good news is that you are going to be ok, the damage round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the was local to your groin, there was very little internal bartender again saying "That's 40 cents, please" They pay the damage, and we were able to remove all of the buck 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. shot. The bad news is that there was some pretty They have each had two martinis, and so far they've spent extensive damage done to your penis. I'm going to less than a dollar. Finally one of the men says, "How can you have to refer you to my brother." "Oh, well I guess that afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?" isn't too bad," the man replied "is your brother a plastic "I'm a retired tailor from Boston," the bartender said, "and I surgeon?" "Not exactly." answered the doctor. "He's a always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery for flute player in the local symphony....He's going to teach $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your a dime - wine, liquor, beer, it's all the same." Wow!!!! That's eye" quite a story," says one of the men. The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice three other guys at Old Timers Bar the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in front of them, and Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Ft hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there. One Myers, Florida. They turned a corner and see a sign man gestures at the three at the end of the bar without drinks that says, " Old Timers Bar - all drinks 10 cents." They and asks the bartender, "What's with them?" The bartender look at each other, then go in, thinking this is too good says, "Oh, they're from Pittsburgh. They're waiting for happy to be true. The old bartender says in a voice that hour, when drinks are half price." carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour

Victorian Bed

‘30s Phone Booth with phone ‘40/’50s Formica Kitchen and Chairs Czech Seltzer Bottles Corona Neon Sign

antiques & collectibles

3533 Butler Street • 412-682-6781 In Historic Lawrenceville • Wed- Sat 12-5:30pm

28 • February 2008 JOKES, JOKES, JOKES Motorcycle Cop Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit A motorcycle officer stops a man for running a red light. The Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like each other very guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the motor officer. much. One day, while walking through the woods, and The violator demands to know why he is being harassed by they came across a golden frog. They were amazed the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted violation. The "motorist" instantly goes on a tirade, questioning that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit always gave them six wishes. He told them that they terms. The officer, being a professional, takes it all in stride. could have 3 wishes each. Mr. Bear immediately wished The tirade goes on without the cop saying anything. When he that all the other bears in the forest were females. The gets done with writing the citation he puts the letters "AH" in frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the citation. while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared He then hands it to the "Violator" for his signature. The guy immediately, and he placed it on his head. Mr. Bear was signs the cite angrily, tearing the paper, and when presented amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it second wish. He wished that all the bears in the stands for. The officer then removes his mirror sunglasses, neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog gets in the middle of the guys face and says, "That's so when granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit then wished for a we go to court, I'll remember you're an Asshole!" Three motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on months later they are in court. The "Violator" has such a bad board and started revving the engine. Mr. Bear could not record he is about to lose his license and has hired an attorney believe it and Complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking the man run the red light. Under cross examination the his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other defense attorney asks, "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the citation you issued my client?" The Officer responds, "Yes the only male bear in the world. The frog replied that it sir, this is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for number at the top." Attorney: "Officer, is there any particular his last wish. Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a marking or notation on this citation you don't normally make?" second, then said, "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and Officer: "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there rode off as fast as he could! are the letters "AH", underlined." Attorney: What does the AH stand for, officer? Officer: "Aggressive and Hostile Sir" TEQUILA AND SALT Attorney: Aggressive and Hostile?" Officer: "Yes Sir. Attorney: This should probably be taped to your bathroom mirror "Officer...are you sure it doesn't stand for asshole?" Officer: where one could read it every day. You may not realize "Well Sir, You know your client better than I do! it, but it's 100% true. 1. There are at least two people in this world that you Elderly Memory would die for. An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house and 2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way. after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. 3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last because they want to be just like you. night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I 4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, really recommend it." The other man said, "What's the name even if they don't like you. of the restaurant?" The first man knits his brow in obvious 5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they concentration and finally says to his companion, "Ah, what is go to sleep. the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?" 6. You mean the world to someone. His friend replies, "A Carnation?" "No. No. The other one," the 7. You are special and unique. man says. His friend offers another suggestion, "The Poppy?" 8. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you. "No," growls the man, "You know the one that is red and has 9. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something thorns." His friend says, "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, yes good comes from it. that's it," the first man says. 10. When you think the world has turned its back on He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, "Rose, what's the you take another look. name of that restaurant we went to last night? 11. Always remember the compliments you received. about the rude remarks. Best Friends And always remember....when life hands you Lemons, Jack is on his death bed, and he says to his wife, "Can you ask for tequila and salt and call a friend over! Good give me one last wish?" She says, "Anything you want." He friends are like stars you don't always see them, But you says, "After I die, will you marry Larry?" She says, "But I know they are always there. "I would rather have one thought you hated Larry." With his last breath, he says, "I do." rose and a kind word from a friend while I'm here than a whole truck load when I'm gone!

February 2008 • 29 LAUGHS The Average Golfer A recent study found the average American golfer, The boy, bless his heart, answered; "Look, I was quiet when walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear American golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of breathed down my neck. I didn't move a muscle when the alcohol a year. That means, on average, American skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and held golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon. Kind of makes my breath when the wasp stung me. I didn't cough when I you proud. swallowed the gnat. I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching. But when the two squirrels crawled up my A Bear in Billings pant legs and said, "Should we eat them here or take them A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana. He bangs with us?' "Well, I guess I just panicked...." on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to Career Choice bears in bars in Billings." An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be time the boy should give some thought to choosing a served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned bars in Billings." The bear, very angry now, says, "If you about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room at the end of the bar." The bartender says, "Sorry, we and placed on his study table four objects: a Bible, a silver don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in dollar, a bottle of whiskey, and a Playboy magazine. "I'll just Billings " The bear goes to the end of the bar and, as hide behind the door," the old preacher thought to himself, promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat "when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see and again demands a beer. The bartender states, "Sorry, which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in preacher like me and what a blessing that would be! If he Billings who are on drugs." The bear says, "I'm NOT on picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that drugs." The bartender says, "You are now. That was a would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to barbitchyouate." be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna Phone Problems be a skirt-chasin' bum." The old man waited anxiously, and A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house report her telephone failed to ring when her friends whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the her dog always moaned right before the phone rang. objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it climbed the telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring while he admired this month's centerfold. "Lord have mercy," right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone the old preacher disgustedly whispered ,"he's gonna run for began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the Congress!" telephone repairman found: 1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground Proud Moment in Georgia history wire with a steel chain and collar. Last January the New Orleans Times Picayune reported that a 2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose. Cajun amateur archaeologist having dug to a depth of 10 3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current meters found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years.... when the number was called. and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a 4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning telephone network more than 100 years ago. Not to be and then urinate. outdone by the Cajuns, in the weeks that followed, Texas 5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters. Shortly after, an article causing the phone to ring. in the Dallas Morning News read: "Texas archaeologists have The moral of this story: Some problems CAN be fixed found traces of 200-year old copper wire, and have concluded by pissing and moaning. that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network one hundred years earlier than the First Hunting Trip Cajuns." One week later, The Atlanta Constitution reported the A father and son went hunting together for the first time. following: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in fields near The father said: "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be Donaldsonville, Bubba Williams, a self-taught archaeologist, across the field." A few minutes later the father heard a reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has blood curdling scream and ran back to his son. "What's therefore concluded that 300 years ago in Georgia they were wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet." already wireless."

30 • February 2008

HUMOR Recent CA Survey In a recent survey, California residents were asked if The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to illegal immigration was a serious problem; work: Alaska 18% said: yes, it is a serious problem. 53% said: no, no es un problema grave. The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get 29% said: dude, what was the question again? this...)The percentage of North America that is wilderness: This poll proves that there is no illegal immigration 38% problem in the land of fruits and nuts. The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: New Apartment $ 8,400 A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe. The The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer. boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. Monuments. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear from history: Spades - King David; Hearts - Charlemagne; someone coming." He followed her into her apartment; Clubs -Alexander, the Great; Diamonds - Julius Caesar she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321 "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front ears." Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think the person died of natural causes. that the best part of my body is my ears?" Clearing his throat, he stammered .... "Outside, when Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on you said you heard someone coming.... that was me." July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added Interesting Facts of No Use Whatsoever! until 5 years later. In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most his thumb. Hence we have 'the rule of thumb' popular boat name requested? A. Obsession Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden'...and Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have thus the word GOLF entered into the English language. to go until you would find the letter 'A'? A. One thousand The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone. Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the A. All were invented by women. U.S. Treasury. Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil? Men can read smaller print than women can; women A. Honey can hear better. Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day Coca-Cola was originally green. of the year? A. Father's Day It is impossible to lick your elbow. In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed

32 • February 2008 JOKES. JOKES, JOKES frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress YOUR LIFE ! If you feel the same, pass this on to your tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the True American friends. Y'all know who they are. .. phrase.... 'goodnight, sleep tight.' You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, "One nation, under It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that God." for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You've never his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this in public places. period was called the honey month, which we know today as You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You still say "Merry the honeymoon. Christmas" instead of "Happy Holidays." You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You bow your head In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old when someone prays. England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You stand and at them 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.' It's place your hand over your heart when they play the where we get the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's' National Anthem. You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You treat Viet Nam Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle vets with great respect, and always have. baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You've never they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. burned an American flag. 'Wet your whistle' is the phrase inspired by this practice. You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their who is listening. elbow! You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You respect your elders and expect your kids to do the same. True American You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You'd give your It is time to change from REDNECK humor to TRUE last dollar to a friend. AMERICAN Humor! God Bless the U S A ! Amen Only it isn't seen as HUMOR, but the correct way to LIVE

February 2008 • 33 HUMOR 2007 USA Useless Facts.. Did You Know That? 1. 1 out of every 8 couples married in the U.S. last year 33. The ZIP code 12345 is assigned to a company in met online. Schenectady, New York - General Electric. 2. New York City has 578 miles of waterfront. 34. The highest city in the United States is Leadville, 3. In New York, at the top of a skyscraper it is possible Colorado(10,200 feet). for people to see snow falling while people on the 35. 90% of New York City cabbies are recently arrived ground see rain. immigrants. 4. Passports issued by the US after January 1, 2007 36. Americans throw away 44 million newspapers every have always-on radio frequency identification chips. day. 5. Shopping is the most popular domestic trip activity by 37. A 1997 Gallup poll discovered that 24 percent of American travelers. American workers would, if they could, fire their 6. There are almost two million women veterans in the boss. US. 38. During a lifetime an American Man will spend about 7. The average American woman weighs 140 pounds. 3,500 hours shaving. 8. The average clothing size for women in America is 39. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of their size 14. birthplace. 9. The longest street in San Francisco is Geary 40. The smallest state capital in the US is Montpelier? Boulevard. 41. Atlantic City is home to longest boardwalk in the 10. There are 43 named hills in San Francisco. world. 11. The only living coral reefs in the US (Hawaii not 42. The twin towers of World Trade Center in New York included) is in the Florida Keys. had 208 elevators. 12. The first African American ever to receive the 43. The White House in Washington, DC was the biggest Congressional Medal of Honor was William H. house in the United States until the Civil War. Carney in 1900. 44. The US Military Academy at West Point was the first 13.The White House in Washington DC has 132 rooms. engineering school in the US. 14. The state of Maryland has no natural lakes. 45. It's only called Air Force one when the US president 15. There are 125 drinking fountains in Central Park, is aboard the aircraft. New York. 46. Alaska has rain forests. 16. George W. Bush and John Kerry are related. 47. Alaska has no borders to any other state. 17. The Florida Keys is home to 882 islands. 48. The worlds longest cave system is the Mammoth 18. In 1913 over one million cars where registered in the Cave in Kentucky. US. 49. When it comes to making New Year's resolutions 19. The state motto of Alaska is "north to the future". weight loss is one of the most common in the US. 20. On January 3, 1959 Alaska became the 49th state. 50. Lake Tahoe is the highest alpine Lake in the US. 21. The former vice-president Al Gore and Tommy Lee 51. San Francisco has no cemeteries. Jones were roommates at Harvard. 52. Dallas has More than 6000 restaurants. 22. The first zoo in America was opened in Philadelphia 53. A tornado once carried a motel sign 30 miles, from in 1874. Oklahoma to Arkansas. 23. In average over 60000 people fly over the US every 54. Kilauea Volcano in Hawaii is the most active volcano hour. on Earth. 24. Route 20 is the longest highway in the US. 55. Hawaii has the largest number of introduced plants 25. The most superstitious president in the US history in the world. are believed to be Theodore Roosevelt. 56. The average number of tornadoes each year in the 26. The oldest city in the US is St. Augustine in Florida. US is about 800. 27. American green cards are not green. In 1964 they 57. Hawaii is one of the worlds most popular where green. honeymoon destination. 28. Henry Bronk gave name to The Bronx in New York. 58. Hawaii was once known as the Sandwich Islands. 29. The first submarine attack in history took place in 59. Old segregation laws in Virginia required separate New York Harbor in 1776. toilet for black and white people and that’s why 30. Many of the American Quakers relocated to Costa Pentagon has twice as many toilets as they actually Rica in 1951. need. 31. The first telephone book was published in New 60. Reno in Nevada is located west of Los Angeles in Haven, Connecticut in 1878. The book was only one California. page long and had fifty names in it. 61. The first dollar coin in the US was the silver dollar in 32. San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile 1794 National Monuments. 62. Dollar bills are mostly made from cloths.

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63. Since 1928 the picture of Benjamin Franklin has LAUGHS appeared on every $100 bill. 98. Americans consume an average of about 67 pounds 64. The Chinook salmon is the state fish of Oregon. of sugar each in a year. 65. Nebraska is home to the largest porch swing in the 99. Americans throw away 44 million newspapers world. 25 adults can sit in it. everyday. 66. New York City has 722 miles of subway track. 100. On March 29, 1848, Niagara Falls stopped flowing 67. New York was once called Mahatta by local Indians. for 30 hours because of ice blocking the River. 68. New York was the first capital of the United States. 101. Americans consume on an average 3 hamburgers 69. New York has the largest population of Jewish people a week. outside of Israel. 102. Americans gamble more money each year than the 70. People in some countries, like Sweden, open their money they spend on groceries. Christmas presents 24 of Dec while in the US people 103. Montana is home to the shortest river in the world. open their presents on the 25 of Dec. Roe River is about 200 feet long. 71. Delaware was the first State in the U.S. 104. There are 556 officially recognized native American 72. Tennessee is the birthplace of miniature golf. tribes. 73. Wisconsin produce more cranberries that any other 105. Americans consume 17 billion quarts of popcorn state. annually. 74. The first jukebox in the world was located in San 106. Kansas City has more fountains than Rome. Francisco in 1899. 107. Americans eat more than 16 pounds of French 75. 75% of all raisins eaten by people in the U.S. are eaten fries per person annually. at breakfast. 108. The average number of people airborne over the 76. Americans eat six times the amount of protein they U.S. at any given hour is about 61,000. actually need in a day. 109. Americans write more than 42 billion checks every 77. Americans throw away about 5 million bicycles each year. year. 110. Americans spent about 54 - 55 billion dollars on 78. The Green Card is actually pink. gambling every year. 79. In 1991, the average bra size in the United States was 112. The word Arkansas comes from an old Indian 34B. Now it's 36C. word. The word means "land of the orange 80. Americans alone consume more than nine pounds of barrels". pickles per person each year. 113. Americans spend about 90% of their time indoors. 81. Tennessee is home to the steepest passenger incline 114. The poorest state in the U.S. is Mississippi. railway in the U.S. 115. 75% of all immigrants who come to US are settled 82. Americans change about 400 million oil filters a year. in California, New Jersey, Florida, New York, Illinois 83. 93% of American children will go out trick or treating for and Texas. Halloween. 116. Americans are the biggest polluters in the world. 84. Americans are making roughly three times more trips to 117. Illinois has the highest number of personalized casinos than trips to ballparks. license plates than any other state. 85. Americans file about 70000 lawsuits every single day. 118. Americans spend about $500 million a year on 86. The longest beach in the U.S. is in Washington State. ketchup. 87. The first umbrella factory in the U.S. was built in 119. Every 45 seconds, a house catches on fire in the Maryland. United States. 88. A B-25 bomber airplane crashed into the 79th floor of 120. Americans have not always driven on the right. the Empire State Building on July 28, 1945. 121. Americans tops the world in plastic surgery. 89. Americans eat about 35000 tons of pasta every year. Mexico comes in second place. 90. Some people living in Canada are automatically citizens 122. During the Civil War, more soldiers died of disease of the U.S. than they did from gunshots and fighting. 91. Americans eat so much cereal each year that a chain of 123. More Civil War battles were fought in Virginia than empty boxes would stretch all the way to the moon and in any other state. back to earth. 124. Americans use an average of about eight batteries 92. The state nickname of Iowa is The Hawkeye State. a year per person. 93. Americans save less than one percent of their incomes. 125. A town in Texas is called "Ding Dong". 94. Americans will eat about 150 million hot dogs every 126. Over 20% of the population of California are born day. in other countries.. 95. Where ever you stand in Michigan, you are never more 127. Americans throw away 4.4 pounds of trash each than 85 miles from a Great Lake. day per person. 96. Americans consume more ice cream than any other 128. Idaho is home to the deepest gorge in the U.S? nation in the world. 129. Americans throw away 2.5 million plastic bottles 97. Maryland is home to 10 different kinds of bats. every hour. 130. Americans eat 18 acres of pizza each day.

February 2008 • 37 CITY SEARCH

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