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Dreary Downton's Dying in Hospital

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Dreary Downton's Dying in Hospital DM1ST TUESDAY 13.10.2015 DAILY MIRROR 23 TV SIOBHAN McNALLY Guest TV columnist Tarrant’s on Neil’s archaeo-log-y Luscious-locked Celtic salt mine in plight track Neil Oliver goes Austria. “It still digging to find the smells when it Channel 5’s new real story of the gets wet,” sniggers offering is Chris Dreary Downton’s Celts in BBC2’s the guide, and we Tarrant: Extreme three-part series, watch as two high- Railways. But the The Celts: Blood, minded prominent only extreme Iron and Sacrifice. archaeologists thing about this But despite an behave like a pair new Channel 5 amazing haul of bronze of schoolboys over an Iron series, is the artefacts which prove the Age poo. extreme length TV marauding Celts also liked “Go on, I dare you touch executives were clearly willing to dying in hospital their bling, Neil – who’s to it with your tongue,” is go to get the former Who Wants WITH plotlines like “Shall we garters? Now that the Earl’s randy more Age of Aquarius what I bet any money that To Be A Millionaire presenter as than Iron Age – is far more Neil said to the Austrian far away as possible from them. go for a walk?” and “I’ll be in daughter has given up trying to disguise the fact that she’s interested in the ancient when the cameras were Other than that, the main thing the drawing room”, it’s no faecal remains left in a switched off. we learn from this show is that surprise the sixth and final a complete slapper, she’s free under-investment in railways is a series of ITV’s Downton Abbey to pursue the dashing racing global problem. is slowly losing its audience. driver, Talbot. Which is why Extremely Old “Is it terribly common to give you Planes, Trains and Automobiles Although due to the sheer my card?” he asks, after turning up would perhaps better describe the number and length of the show’s unexpectedly to luncheon presenter’s itinerary in some of commercial breaks, I imagine a at Downton with his aunt, Lady the world’s most remote regions. high percentage of those would RANDY Lady Mary’s up for it Shackleton. Looking like an ex vice cop in his have been lost to old age anyway. “Yes it is,” Mary replies, all cool padded navy anorak, Chris has the It’s a shame that a much-loved Crawley over the plan to merge the and ladylike, while clearly imagining air of a man who went out for a costume drama that brought us him stripped naked and lashed to MISERABLE walk in Surrey one day… and such dramatic moments as “eye village cottage hospital with the Hope found himself in a stretch of larger one in York. her bedposts. candy for the ladies dies in car crash The old Dowager demands to desert between Chile and Bolivia. shock” and “turns out we’re all “Wouldn’t merging the hospitals 6In his new series For The Love of Dogs on ITV, Paul As tumbleweed drifts across the improve medical care for the locals?” know Talbot’s prospects, and doesn’t O’Grady meets one of the Battersea saddest inmates wrong, creepy Mr Bates is not a wife seem in the slightest bit Hope, an old Labrador-cross whose elderly owner can’t vast salt plains in the shadow of killer”, should now be bowing out suggests Lady Shackleton, the Andes, Chris seems a bit who’s been drafted in fazed to hear that 40 men cope any more. Miserable and refusing to eat, Paul takes with the “old ladies with too much Mary’s would have to drop dead it on himself to win her trust and build her confidence. surprised to find himself mostly time on their hands argue over by Violet to take her alone on his travels. side against Lady Cora given up before he would inherit a “Come on, Hope,” he urged, “you can’t play hard to get at Er… the clue’s in the name, hospital” storyline. disguising title. your age. You have to take what comes through the door. A quick recap for those of you who and Isobel. Chris – it’s called “No Man’s Land”. “That’s not the point,” the fact In her cottage hospital, We old ones can’t afford to be fussy.” I’m amazed he prefer to sort their sock drawer on that would be considered didn’t rename her “Abandon All Hope”. It was soggy bottoms all a Sunday evening – the Dowager rants Violet. “We’d lose all she’s a 6 control of our hospital.” an acceptable death round at The Great Duchess is at war with Isobel slapper rate. British Bake Off final with Ian Anyway, I’m not sure why and Tamal competing with the mean old tyrant should However, let’s hope winner Nadiya to see who care so much about a service she’ll they make up their minds about could squeeze out the most never need – unless they’ve got a getting new-fangled treatments at tears. A dewy-eyed Mary stake in their medical kit – but the the hospital fairly soon, because the Berry hasn’t been that plot is getting in the way of the real Earl is going to need more than a touched since the Danny story of series six: when will we see vinegar poultice for that indigestion Dyer incident… Lady Mary’s new love interest Henry plotline we’re being fed. Talbot strip down to his sock Too much port, my foot. Channel 4’s brilliant First Dates The most hardworking Dog couple 6matching experiment last week 6historian on TV, Lucy failed to find love for self-confessed Worsley, is back on our nerd Lachlan. Things were looking screens yet again this year barking mad hopeful when he met fellow boffin with yet another dressing-up Back on Channel 5, they’re pushing Rachel, until he horrified her with tales opportunity. the boundaries and tipping over of turning body parts into puppets Romping through stories of into voyeurism with last in anatomy class. Georgian rumpy-pumpy in her Friday’s 41 Dogs in a Three “How much sex do I get?” wig and corset, she presents Bed Semi. he says to camera when BBC Four’s A Very British In the Barnsley house she’s in the loo. “Nothing, Romance celebrating the that’s home to 41 breeds of nada, zip.” With chat up invention of romantic love. I dogs there’s plenty of lines like his, Lachlan may blame the idiot who gave her squabbling at mealtimes, as well donate his the key to the BBC wardrobe but it’s the scraps manhood to science. department in the first place… between the couple that get really vicious. “Shut yer kisser,” snarls Lynn at her husband, who admits TALL TAYLS... he doesn’t really enjoy WOODEN If EastEnders’ Kathy Beale seems a little heartless for sitting among piles of Taylforth faking her own death to her sons, that’s because she is. dog poo. as Kathy Her heart, along with all her major organs, must have been Meanwhile failed Beale removed during the embalming stage of her funeral, which is magician and ex-Britain’s why she looks as fresh as the day she died. Got Talent contestant Sadly the same can’t be said of Gillian Taylforth’s acting Steve had his wife Claire skills, which bear a remarkable resemblance to the wooden rehomed rather than get rid coffin she was buried in. of the 60 wild animals Meanwhile, a traumatised Ian comes round in hospital to sharing his rented house. find he has two hard-faced blonde women fighting over him – He openly admitted it was the and they both look uncannily like his mum. cost of keeping so many creatures Doctors say he’s suffered bruising from being run over that finally cost him his marriage. but is going to be all right. Yes, folks, it WAS the straw that I’d want a second opinion if I was him, because the car finally broke the camel’s back. seems to have left its spare tyre round his middle. IAN HYLAND IS AWAY.
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