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Finally Free” Is Dedicated to Stuart Mathis, a Gay Mormon from San Francisco Who Commit- Ted Suicide Because He Was Unable to Change His Sexual Orientation

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Finally Free” Is Dedicated to Stuart Mathis, a Gay Mormon from San Francisco Who Commit- Ted Suicide Because He Was Unable to Change His Sexual Orientation finally Personal Stories: How Love andfree Self-Acceptance Saved Us from “Ex-Gay” Ministries Dedication Stuart Mathis “Finally Free” is dedicated to Stuart Mathis, a gay Mormon from San Francisco who commit- ted suicide because he was unable to change his sexual orientation. In his suicide note, he expressed his anguish over his church and society not accepting him for who he was. Mathis wrote: “The church has no idea that as I type this letter, there are surely boys and girls on their cal- lused knees imploring God to free them from this pain. They hate themselves. They retire to bed with their fingers pointed to their heads in the form of a gun. I am now free. I am no longer in pain and I no longer hate myself. As it turns out, God never intended for me to be straight. Perhaps my death might be a catalyst for some good.” While Mathis believes he is now “free,” we hope this publication will help others real- ize that there are alternative paths to freedom and acceptance. The following essays are illustrations of how some people overcame their torment and went on to live healthy, productive lives as “out” gay men and lesbians. In dedicating “Finally Free” to Stuart Mathis, we hope to help him achieve his final wish of accomplishing “some good.” 2 finally Personal Stories: How Love andfree Self-Acceptance Saved Us from “Ex-Gay” Ministries Special Thanks Dedication .................................................................... 2 We acknowledge the Human Rights Campaign’s Communications Associate Introduction .................................................................. 6 Director Wayne Besen for spearheading the research and writing. Thanks also to James Decker for graphic design and Janice Jeffry Ford, St. Paul, Minn. .............................................. 8 Hughes for editorial coordination. The Rev. Jerry Stephenson, Panama City, Fla. ......................10 We also thank the following individuals who allowed us to use their personal stories: Jeffry Ford, Mark Pierpont, Tracey St. Pierre, Catherine Wulfensmith, Monrovia, Calif. ............................11 Christopher C. Camp, David Fettke, Cheryl Johnson, Paul Williams, The Rev. Jerry Christopher C. Camp, Baltimore, Md...................................12 Stephenson, Catherine Wulfensmith, Clint Trout, Karen B. Hindman, Scott Meléndez, David Fettke, Dallas, Texas ..............................................14 Parker Allen Jr. and Brent Almond. Acknowledgment also goes to Jennie Smith, Andrew Huddleston and Noel Plemmons Cheryl Johnson, Baltimore, Md. ........................................16 for their contributions. Mark Pierpont, Provincetown, Mass. ..................................17 Additional HRC Resources For further information on ex-gay min- Paul Williams, Phoenix, Ariz. ..........................................18 istries, contact HRC to receive a copy of the 16-page publication “Mission Impossible: Tracey St. Pierre, Washington, D.C. ..................................20 Why Reparative Therapy and Ex-Gay Ministries Fail.” Access this report via www.hrc.org/pubs/change.html or Brent Almond, Washington, D.C. ......................................22 www.hrc.org/pubs/change.pdf. Karen B. Hindman, Ruckersville, Va. ..................................24 For information on the relationship between organized religion and gay and lesbian Scott Meléndez, Washington, D.C. ....................................26 Americans, contact HRC for a copy of the 35-page publication “Mixed Blessings: Organized Religion and Gay and Lesbian Parker Allen Jr., Little Rock, Ark. ......................................28 Americans” or visit www.hrc.org. Clint Trout, Los Angeles, Calif. ........................................30 What the Experts Say ......................................................33 Tell Your Story................................................................35 Resources ....................................................................37 Human Rights Campaign Foundation • 919 18th St., N.W., Suite 800, Washington, D.C. 20006 phone: 202/628-4160 • fax: 202/347-5323 • e-mail: [email protected] • web: www.hrc.org 3 Introduction by Wayne Besen When I was in middle school, there was a kid named ministries and “reparative therapy.” In their own words, David who wanted more than anything in the world to ex-ex-gays vividly describe their harrowing experiences please his father and make the school’s basketball team. and reveal the painful, broken promises of these kinds of The problem was, he was too short. When another sum- “change” groups. mer passed and other students grew while he still hadn’t, All the following stories are true. They are about real he became disconsolate. One day, a new physical educa- people across America who gave up years of their lives tion coach told him that he could grow taller if he would and suffered through grave psychological trauma because simply hang from a chin-up bar and stretch himself for they bought the lie that being gay made them defective an hour each afternoon. David religiously followed the and less than whole human beings. A common thread in coach’s advice and could be seen after school suspended each essay in “Finally Free” is how desperately these indi- from a metal bar in the schoolyard. viduals tried to conform and reject their sexual orienta- After a month of dangling, David had convinced tion. Methods of change included all-night prayer ses- himself that he had grown. To the amusement of many sions, exorcisms, fasting, lipstick application seminars for students, he galloped around lesbians and endless, expensive sessions with so-called the school and boasted that “reparative” therapists. he was now tall enough to Somehow, in the midst of overwhelming personal make the basketball team. turmoil and stifling social pressures, these courageous Unfortunately, while the individuals learned how to love and accept themselves for mind can play deceptive who they are – not who the Christian Coalition’s Pat tricks, reality can be cruel Robertson and others told them they should be. More and unforgiving. David, as remarkable, by “coming out” they finally discovered the short as ever, was humiliated close, personal relationships with God that they had orig- at basketball tryouts and was inally sought through the “ex-gay” ministries. cut on the first day by the The journeys undertaken by these people are a testa- very coach who told him to ment to the strength and resilience of the human spirit. hang from the bar. Before he They offer hope to “ex-gays” still trapped in a lifestyle sent David home, the coach told the devastated young where they are demeaned and dehumanized because of man that he had failed to grow because he had not tried who they are. The essays in “Finally Free” should be read hard enough. by anyone who has questions about the efficacy of the Much like this misguided coach, “reparative” thera- “ex-gay” ministries and “reparative” therapy. pists and the “ex-gay” ministries offer false “hope” and magic “cures” for desperate people, then turn around Unholy Alliance and cruelly blame these folks when their bizarre “treat- These moving stories must also be told because the ments” fail. conservative right has recently embraced “ex-gay” min- The essays in “Finally Free: How Love & Self- istries and “reparative” therapy as a tactic to undermine Acceptance Saved Us from ‘Ex-Gay’ Ministries” are more gay and lesbian equality. Their message: “Since gays and than just stories about brave gay and lesbian Americans lesbians can change, there is no need for laws that protect overcoming life’s obstacles and challenges. These are sto- them from discrimination.” ries that any person can relate to who has tried in vain to This unholy alliance between the conservative right live up to the unrealistic expectations of peers or family and “ex-gay” groups is a fairly new phenomenon. For members. Anyone who has chased affection by trying to more than two decades, the “ex-gay” ministries acted in be who or what he or she is not can understand why relative obscurity. Both gay activists and the religious right some people feel compelled to try changing their sexual saw these ministries as ineffective and not worthy of atten- orientation through the “ex-gay” ministries or “reparative” tion. Similarly, “reparative therapy,” which seeks to change therapy. The fear of rejection and the desire to be loved homosexuals into heterosexuals, was — and still is — and accepted is universal. Nearly all people want to make rejected by nearly all respected, credible medical and men- friends and family members proud — sometimes embrac- tal health experts. For years, the vast majority of social ing desperate measures to do so. conservatives were also skeptical, if not overtly hostile, to “Finally Free” hopes to set the record straight on the the dubious claims of “reparative” therapists and their astronomical, if not complete, failure rate of the “ex-gay” reliance on secular methods to “cure” homosexuality. 6 All this changed in June 1998 when 18 far right apy, contact HRC to receive “Mission Impossible: Why organizations, including the Christian Coalition and the Reparative Therapy and Ex-Gay Ministries Fail” or visit Family Research Council, launched a major advertising www.hrc.org.) blitz advocating “reparative therapy.” The $500,000 The positions taken by these esteemed organizations “Truth in Love” campaign began with a full-page ad in are bolstered by the fact that leading “reparative” thera- The New York Times. The advertisement featured
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