PARENTING STYLE Where Are You on the Continuum?
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PARENTING STYLE Where are you on the continuum? We will soon be discussing parenting style. How do you figure out what kind of parent you want to be? The media likes to create labels for different parenting styles, and make everything sound black & white. We know that parenting is all about shades of gray, and what we can manage in the moment. We believe there is no one right way to parent. However, to provide a starting point for a discussion, we’ve gathered a list of parenting “labels.” We’ve put one dogmatic method at one end of a continuum and its polar opposite at the other end. Think about where you sit on each line. (You’re likely not all the way on either end, but somewhere in the middle.) Parent-Led Baby-Led Parents determine a schedule for baby’s feeding, Parents watch the baby for hunger cues and feed diaper changes, and nap times. Parents provide on demand. They watch for toileting cues to know structure, a predictable environment, and a when a diaper change is imminent. When tired consistent response style to train the baby’s cues appear, they settle baby to sleep. The family’s internal clock and self-soothing behavior. schedule adapts around the baby’s needs. One proponent of this method is Gary Ezzo, author One proponent of baby-led style is the Sears of On Becoming Baby Wise. family, authors of The Attachment Parenting Book. Here’s an article comparing a daily schedule for Parent-Led vs. Baby Led families. http://www.babble.com/baby/baby-care/baby-sleep-feeding-parent-led-schedule-routine/ Tiger Mom Radical Un-schooling Amy Chua, self-described “Chinese Mother”, says Dayna Martin, in Radical Unschooling says in Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother: “What Chinese “Unschooling includes trusting your child in what parents understand is that nothing is fun until they choose to learn; you extend that same trust to you're good at it. To get good at anything you have other areas of your child’s life, like foods, media, to work, and children on their own never want to television, bedtime. Parenting is supposed to be work, which is why it is crucial to override their joyful, and it can be when we learn to connect with, preferences… Once a child starts to excel… she rather than control, our children. The focus of our gets praise, admiration and satisfaction…. makes life is on happiness and pursuing our interests with the once not-fun activity fun… This makes it easier reckless abandon together. We totally immerse for the parent to get the child to work even more.” ourselves in our passions every single day.” http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748704111504576 http://daynamartin.com/unschooling-blog/radical-unschooling- 059713528698754.html the-gift-of-mindfulness/ Video: www.youtube.com/watch?v=TlHLyHw47AU Video: www.youtube.com/watch?v=aFgVgRvmSeM Helicopter Parent Free Range Parenting Parents have a high level of oversight and Parents encourage children to actively and supervision, providing frequent advice, reminders, independently explore their worlds. “We don’t want and assistance. Parents protect and help with our kids to fall off a bike. But we want them to learn decision making. Parents “smooth the way” by to ride. We can [either] hold onto the handlebars being actively engaged with teachers, coaches, etc. forever, or wish them luck and then let go.” http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/03/04/in- www.time.com/time/magazine/article/ defense-of-helicopter-parents/ 0,9171,1940697,00.html One common way of categorizing parental style has developed based on Diana Baumrind’s work. These styles are split along two gradients. Parental responsiveness relates to how much parents try to foster individuality and independent decision making by being attentive, supportive, and responsive to the child’s needs and demands. Parental demandingness, or behavioral control, is the degree to which parents try to foster obedience, and “fitting in” to the social norms, by setting clear expectations, confronting a child who disobeys, and disciplining as needed. Demanding Authoritarian Authoritative / Democratic (aka Giving Orders, aka “Just do it, or else…”) (aka Giving Choices aka “No means no”) Focus on control. Parents provide structured Democratic parents provide clear, reasonable environments, set strict rules, and don’t explain expectations, explain why they expect children to rules beyond “because I said so.” Children may behave that way, and monitor behavior in a be punished if they don’t meet standards, and warm and loving manner. Mistakes are used as a may or may not be rewarded when they do. chance to teach important lessons rather than as Children are scolded for showing negative an opportunity for punishment. Parents give emotions. Parents may not show affection. limited choices based on a child’s developmental Benefits: Children tend to perform well in school ability, balancing freedom with responsibility. and not get in much trouble, and may excel at Children tend to adapt easily to situations that skills that require focus and discipline to learn. require cooperation. The goal is for children to be Downsides: may lack spontaneity, have lower self-regulated, self-determined, cooperative, and self-esteem and higher levels of depression. socially responsible. Un-Responsive Responsive Uninvolved Permissive (aka Giving Up aka “I don’t care what you do”) (aka Giving In, aka “Do anything you want”) Uninvolved parents may not give any guidance, Permissive parents have a laissez-faire attitude. punishment, or rewards. They may simply be They make few rules and routines, and do not detached, and un-interested in their children and consistently enforce the rules / routines they do their activities. Most provide the basic needs of establish. They want children to feel free, and have as many choices as possible. They may life, but shrug off responsibility for their child’s not have specific expectations for appropriate activities and concerns. In extreme cases, this behavior, and accept their child in a warm and might include rejection and/or neglect. loving way, no matter how the child behaves. Children tend to be rebellious, irresponsible, Benefits: kids may have high self-esteem, good perform poorly at school, and show signs of social skills, low levels of depression, and be emotional distress. creative. Downsides: more likely to show problem behavior, perform less well in school. Un-Demanding Sources: http://pediatrics.about.com/od/infantparentingtips/a/04_pntg_styles.htm; http://www.ericdigests.org/1999-4/parenting.htm www.athealth.com/Practitioner/ceduc/parentingstyles.html; www.greatdad.com/tertiary/27/1744/choose-your-parenting-style.html .