Oedipus Holmes, As a Matter of Fact
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THE MAN WITH THE TWISTED FOOT By Zoe Fox ‘14 OEDIPUS: Oh come on guys, it’s not so bad! C5: All my cattle are dead, and I haven’t eaten in a week. CAST: Chorus 1 – Brittani Ivan Chorus 6 – Julie Benton, OEDIPUS: … Okay, it is so bad. Chorus 2 – Elaine Holehan, Oedipus – Zoe Fox Chorus 3 - Giulietta Schoenfeld, Creon – Vanessa Felso C6: And what’s more, you were supposed to save us all! But Chorus 4 –Airen McClure, Jocasta – Marianne Wald noooo, here we are, about to die from a plague. Niki Barker Tiresias – Tabatha Barton [CHORUS members mutter amongst themselves] Chorus 5 – Jordan Schwartz, Messenger – Airen McClure Wanhong Zou Shepherd – Alison Robins C1: Yeah, can’t you do something? Laius – Jordan Schwartz OEDIPUS: I know your pain, for I suffer even more than you SCENE 1 when I look out at all of your sad, starving faces. Seriously, you guys are such wet blankets. But good news! I’ve sent my brother- CHORUS walks in., Odds from L, evens from R, looking sad and dejected in-law, Creon, to ask the Oracle how to save us all from this plague. I’m sure he’ll have an answer. C1: I’m SO hungry. [CREON enters from L, looking baffled as to how he got there] C2: Me too, and I’m so cold. OEDIPUS: Creon, my good man! I was just talking about you. C3: I had to sell my himation for some food! What did the Oracle say? C4: Well I had to sell my house. Now I’m living like Diogenes. It’s CREON: Psh, what DIDN’T the Oracle say? I wish they’d just awful. speak clearly for once. Ahem. [clears throat, speaks grandly] I come bearing news from Apollo. C1: This is the worst plague Thebes has ever seen. I hate this. C3: Well?? What is it? OEDIPUS enters. CREON [still grandly]: There was a murder most foul, and the one OEDIPUS [falsely cheery]: Ah, Thebes, that great cesspool into who committed it remains among us all. We must find this which all the loungers and idlers of the Greek Empire are murderer, and punish him through banishment, or… death. irresistibly drained. And how are my favorite Thebans today? C4: … What? [CHORUS all groan, making miserable noises and faces] 1 C5: Yeah, translation please. OEDIPUS: Yes, thank you for your input. I’m on the case. But first, I need data. It’s dangerous to theorize without all the facts. C2: Preferably a modern prose translation. Tell me about this murder. C6: None of this epic meter stuff- give it to us in straight dactyls. C3: Well, he was on his way to Delphi to consult the Oracle. CREON: Okay fine. Remember when Laius was shockingly and C5:d on He the die very day that YOU arrived! tragically murdered on his way to Delphi? C6: Everyone died except one of his attendants- he’s a reclusive C1: Oh woe, woe! [starts crying] shepherd now. CREON: …Yeah. Basically, we dropped the ball on that murder OEDIPUS: How curious. And people say there’s no such thing investigation. I mean, really dropped it. So we need to find out as coincidence… What did this shepherd say? who did it, stat. C2: He said that a single man killed him. OEDIPUS: So you’re saying that the murderer is among us, and we must find him?! [reaches into tunica and pulls out a deerstalker] The C4: But how? That’s not physically possible. game is afoot! OEDIPUS: I don’t know. It’s time to investigate. Chorus, you are CREON: Oh, you think you can find him? now officially members of the Theban Street Irregulars. You’ll be my eyes and ears all over the city. Tell me if you notice anything OEDIPUS: I know I can. I might not have told you this before, suspicious. Come along, my dear Creon. [they exit C] but back in Corinth, I was what you might call a “consulting detective”. My full name is Oedipus Holmes, as a matter of fact. [CHORUS all mutter amongst themselves excitedly] [CHORUS gasps and looks excited] C6: WOW, Oedipus Holmes himself is on the case! He’ll solve it in no time. C1: You’re Oedipus Holmes?! You’re my favorite consulting detective! C2: I know, how amazing is this?? He’s like… a celebrity. C4: Shut up, he’s the only consulting detective. He invented the job. SONG: CHORUS, WRECKING BALL What walks, with four, with two, with three C5: I’m your biggest fan, Oedipus! [pulls out deerstalker] Sign my Was asked, never could reply. deerstalker! We tried, we fell under its spell. A plague no one could remove. 2 Don't you ever say OEDIPUS: So far, I have deduced very little. We know the he was not the one murderer is among us. We know he killed Laius. But who? to defeat the Sphinx We can live again, [Chorus & TIRESIAS enter R, T being led by a member of the Chorus.] thanks to one great man we will always love him OEDIPUS: Ah Tiresias, just who I wanted to see [chuckles]. You must know who killed Laius, right? He came here unexpectedly He limped his way into our hearts TIRESIAS [tries to turn around and run away, walks into a column]: No, All we wanted was to be plague-free no way. I did NOT want to come here. No. And the riddle he did breeeeak it Yeah breeak it OEDIPUS: Come on, you’re Tiresias. You’re as prophetic as it gets. You must know. He sits up high in the king’s seat And we, we were doing well TIRESIAS: What, you think I just have the knowledge of who He reigns with her, she loves him too killed Laius tucked away somewhere? And they, they rule Thebes smoothly OEDIPUS: Well… yes! Don't you ever say he won’t solve this too He will solve the murder TIRESIAS [pauses, looks worried]: … Oh woe, woe is me! I can’t He won’t let it go, say. It’s too awful. justice will be served Thebes will always love him OEDIPUS: So you do know! Come on, tell us. We’re all friends here. [throws his arm around Tiresias’ shoulders] he came here unexpectedly he limped his way into our hearts TIRESIAS [gingerly takes Oedipus’ arm off his shoulders]: We’re not all we wanted was to be plague-free friends. I don’t have friends. and the riddle he did breeeeak it yeah breeak it OEDIPUS [shocked gasp]: That stings. You’re so annoying, you would even anger a rock. Tell us who did it, NOW. [all exit R] TIRESIAS: Noooooo. It’s too bad. Let me leave, please. [walks SCENE 2 into another column] [OEDIPUS enters C, smoking pipe and pacing] OEDIPUS: Too late. I deduce from your himation that you know the answer. Also, that you had too much wine last night, and your slave is sleeping with your wife. Now tell us. 3 TIRESIAS: I don’t have a wife! And I’ll NEVER tell you. Never What do you think about that now you know how I feel ever. Say you can handle my omens since they’re for real OEDIPUS: I hate you! You’re just a prophet who never gets I won't be staying, won’t give you a try anything right. I bet you’re the one plotting to overthrow me. You really bug me so now I'll say goodbye TIRESIAS: What?! You’re crazy. You’re the worst king EVER. Yo, I'll tell you ‘bout your fate, if you really really want You want your prophecy? Here’s your prophecy! Yeah tell you ‘bout your fate, if you really really want But ou wanna, you wanna, you wanna, you wanna, you wanna SONG: TIRESIAS, WANNABE Really really really wanna give this up now Yo, I'll tell you ‘bout your fate, if you really really want Yeah tell you ‘bout your fate, if you really really want If you wanna be my ruler, you gotta leave me alone But let me tell you now, yeah you really really don’t Let me leave forever, though the plague goes on I’ll tell you who killed Laius, but really you should stop If you wanna be my ruler, you have got to chill You wanna, you wanna, you wanna, you wanna, you wanna Tyranny’s too easy, but that's the way it is Really really really wanna give this up now If you want my wisdom, forget your rage TIRESIAS: But one last thing. The man who killed Laius… He’s If you wanna know the truth, better shut your mouth among us now. He lives in the royal household. His name rhymes Now don't go wasting my precious time with… Shmedipus. In fact… he looks just. like. you. I don’t need your drama I could be just fine Oedipus: Um… no one matches that description in the royal household, but thanks anyway. Useless prophet. Yo, I'll tell you ‘bout your fate, if you really really want Yeah tell you ‘bout your fate, if you really really want TIRESIAS exits, led by a member of the chorus. But you wanna, you wanna, you wanna, you wanna, you wanna Really really really wanna give this up now OEDIPUS [fuming]: Tiresias. No one stands up to him. No one even dares. I’ll show him. [EXITS] If you wanna be my ruler, you gotta leave me alone SCENE 3 Let me leave forever, though the plague goes on If you wanna be my ruler, you have got to chill CHORUS comes back center stage, chatting.