Oedipus Holmes, As a Matter of Fact

THE MAN WITH THE TWISTED FOOT By Zoe Fox ‘14 OEDIPUS: Oh come on guys, it’s not so bad!

C5: All my cattle are dead, and I haven’t eaten in a week. CAST: Chorus 1 – Brittani Ivan Chorus 6 – Julie Benton, OEDIPUS: … Okay, it is so bad. Chorus 2 – Elaine Holehan, Oedipus – Zoe Fox Chorus 3 - Giulietta Schoenfeld, Creon – Vanessa Felso C6: And what’s more, you were supposed to save us all! But Chorus 4 –Airen McClure, Jocasta – Marianne Wald noooo, here we are, about to die from a plague. Niki Barker Tiresias – Tabatha Barton [CHORUS members mutter amongst themselves] Chorus 5 – Jordan Schwartz, Messenger – Airen McClure Wanhong Zou Shepherd – Alison Robins C1: Yeah, can’t you do something? Laius – Jordan Schwartz OEDIPUS: I know your pain, for I suffer even more than you SCENE 1 when I look out at all of your sad, starving faces. Seriously, you guys are such wet blankets. But good news! I’ve sent my brother- CHORUS walks in., Odds from L, evens from R, looking sad and dejected in-law, Creon, to ask the Oracle how to save us all from this plague. I’m sure he’ll have an answer. C1: I’m SO hungry. [CREON enters from L, looking baffled as to how he got there] C2: Me too, and I’m so cold. OEDIPUS: Creon, my good man! I was just talking about you. C3: I had to sell my himation for some food! What did the Oracle say?

C4: Well I had to sell my house. Now I’m living like Diogenes. It’s CREON: Psh, what DIDN’T the Oracle say? I wish they’d just awful. speak clearly for once. Ahem. [clears throat, speaks grandly] I come bearing news from Apollo. C1: This is the worst plague Thebes has ever seen. I hate this. C3: Well?? What is it? OEDIPUS enters. CREON [still grandly]: There was a murder most foul, and the one OEDIPUS [falsely cheery]: Ah, Thebes, that great cesspool into who committed it remains among us all. We must find this which all the loungers and idlers of the Greek Empire are murderer, and punish him through banishment, or… death. irresistibly drained. And how are my favorite Thebans today? C4: … What? [CHORUS all groan, making miserable noises and faces] 1 C5: Yeah, translation please. OEDIPUS: Yes, thank you for your input. I’m on the case. But first, I need data. It’s dangerous to theorize without all the facts. C2: Preferably a modern prose translation. Tell me about this murder.

C6: None of this epic meter stuff- give it to us in straight dactyls. C3: Well, he was on his way to Delphi to consult the Oracle.

CREON: Okay fine. Remember when Laius was shockingly and C5:d on He the die very day that YOU arrived! tragically murdered on his way to Delphi? C6: Everyone died except one of his attendants- he’s a reclusive C1: Oh woe, woe! [starts crying] shepherd now.

CREON: …Yeah. Basically, we dropped the ball on that murder OEDIPUS: How curious. And people say there’s no such thing investigation. I mean, really dropped it. So we need to find out as coincidence… What did this shepherd say? who did it, stat. C2: He said that a single man killed him. OEDIPUS: So you’re saying that the murderer is among us, and we must find him?! [reaches into tunica and pulls out a deerstalker] The C4: But how? That’s not physically possible. game is afoot! OEDIPUS: I don’t know. It’s time to investigate. Chorus, you are CREON: Oh, you think you can find him? now officially members of the Theban Street Irregulars. You’ll be my eyes and ears all over the city. Tell me if you notice anything OEDIPUS: I know I can. I might not have told you this before, suspicious. Come along, my dear Creon. [they exit C] but back in Corinth, I was what you might call a “consulting detective”. My full name is Oedipus Holmes, as a matter of fact. [CHORUS all mutter amongst themselves excitedly]

[CHORUS gasps and looks excited] C6: WOW, Oedipus Holmes himself is on the case! He’ll solve it in no time. C1: You’re Oedipus Holmes?! You’re my favorite consulting detective! C2: I know, how amazing is this?? He’s like… a celebrity.

C4: Shut up, he’s the only consulting detective. He invented the job. SONG: CHORUS, WRECKING BALL What walks, with four, with two, with three C5: I’m your biggest fan, Oedipus! [pulls out deerstalker] Sign my Was asked, never could reply. deerstalker! We tried, we fell under its spell. A plague no one could remove.

2 Don't you ever say OEDIPUS: So far, I have deduced very little. We know the he was not the one murderer is among us. We know he killed Laius. But who? to defeat the Sphinx We can live again, [Chorus & TIRESIAS enter R, T being led by a member of the Chorus.] thanks to one great man we will always love him OEDIPUS: Ah Tiresias, just who I wanted to see [chuckles]. You must know who killed Laius, right? He came here unexpectedly He limped his way into our hearts TIRESIAS [tries to turn around and run away, walks into a column]: No, All we wanted was to be plague-free no way. I did NOT want to come here. No. And the riddle he did breeeeak it Yeah breeak it OEDIPUS: Come on, you’re Tiresias. You’re as prophetic as it gets. You must know. He sits up high in the king’s seat And we, we were doing well TIRESIAS: What, you think I just have the knowledge of who He reigns with her, she loves him too killed Laius tucked away somewhere? And they, they rule Thebes smoothly OEDIPUS: Well… yes! Don't you ever say he won’t solve this too He will solve the murder TIRESIAS [pauses, looks worried]: … Oh woe, woe is me! I can’t He won’t let it go, say. It’s too awful. justice will be served Thebes will always love him OEDIPUS: So you do know! Come on, tell us. We’re all friends here. [throws his arm around Tiresias’ shoulders] he came here unexpectedly he limped his way into our hearts TIRESIAS [gingerly takes Oedipus’ arm off his shoulders]: We’re not all we wanted was to be plague-free friends. I don’t have friends. and the riddle he did breeeeak it yeah breeak it OEDIPUS [shocked gasp]: That stings. You’re so annoying, you would even anger a rock. Tell us who did it, NOW. [all exit R] TIRESIAS: Noooooo. It’s too bad. Let me leave, please. [walks SCENE 2 into another column]

[OEDIPUS enters C, smoking pipe and pacing] OEDIPUS: Too late. I deduce from your himation that you know the answer. Also, that you had too much wine last night, and your slave is sleeping with your wife. Now tell us. 3

TIRESIAS: I don’t have a wife! And I’ll NEVER tell you. Never What do you think about that now you know how I feel ever.

Say you can handle my omens since they’re for real OEDIPUS: I hate you! You’re just a prophet who never gets I won't be staying, won’t give you a try anything right. I bet you’re the one plotting to overthrow me. You really bug me so now I'll say goodbye

TIRESIAS: What?! You’re crazy. You’re the worst king EVER. Yo, I'll tell you ‘bout your fate, if you really really want You want your prophecy? Here’s your prophecy! Yeah tell you ‘bout your fate, if you really really want

But ou wanna, you wanna, you wanna, you wanna, you wanna SONG: TIRESIAS, WANNABE Really really really wanna give this up now Yo, I'll tell you ‘bout your fate, if you really really want

Yeah tell you ‘bout your fate, if you really really want If you wanna be my ruler, you gotta leave me alone But let me tell you now, yeah you really really don’t Let me leave forever, though the plague goes on I’ll tell you who killed Laius, but really you should stop If you wanna be my ruler, you have got to chill You wanna, you wanna, you wanna, you wanna, you wanna Tyranny’s too easy, but that's the way it is Really really really wanna give this up now

If you want my wisdom, forget your rage TIRESIAS: But one last thing. The man who killed Laius… He’s If you wanna know the truth, better shut your mouth among us now. He lives in the royal household. His name rhymes Now don't go wasting my precious time with… Shmedipus. In fact… he looks just. like. you. I don’t need your drama I could be just fine Oedipus: Um… no one matches that description in the royal household, but thanks anyway. Useless prophet. Yo, I'll tell you ‘bout your fate, if you really really want Yeah tell you ‘bout your fate, if you really really want TIRESIAS exits, led by a member of the chorus. But you wanna, you wanna, you wanna, you wanna, you wanna Really really really wanna give this up now OEDIPUS [fuming]: Tiresias. No one stands up to him. No one even dares. I’ll show him. [EXITS]

If you wanna be my ruler, you gotta leave me alone SCENE 3 Let me leave forever, though the plague goes on If you wanna be my ruler, you have got to chill CHORUS comes back center stage, chatting. Tyranny’s too easy, but that's the way it is C1: Well that was one tense stichomythia. 4

C3: Very. Let’s keep working on the task Oedipus set for us. C3: Sorry, couldn’t resist.

C4: Ooooh, this is so exciting. I always wanted to be a Theban OEDIPUS: Ugh. Well, let’s go find him and banish the Street Irregular! backstabbing, dog-faced barbarian!

C5: Calm down. Okay, let’s think about what we’ve got so far. [CHORUS gets up, but then CREON wanders in from R, still looking One: The murder occurred the day that Oedipus arrived. confused. Poor guy]

C6: Two: The murderer lives in the royal household. CREON: What’s all this, then?

C1: Three: His name rhymes with Shmedipus. OEDIPUS [pretending to be casual]: Ah, Creon. Here we are again. [stops pretending] Murderer! Chorus, get him! C4: Four: He looks just like Oedipus… [two CHORUS members grab his arms] [CHORUS all trail off, looking nervously at each other.] CREON: What?! I didn’t murder Laius! What are you talking C6: No. It can’t be. about?!

C1: It IS! It’s… OEDIPUS: Talk all you want, Creon, but we know you did. You just want to be king, don’t you?? I’ve deduced it from the CHORUS [all]: CREON! twitching in your left pinky finger.

[OEDIPUS enters] CREON: Um, no. I would NEVER want to be king. I’m too lazy and I have no ambition. OEDIPUS: Hello, Theban Street Irregulars. I have just deduced something from that stupid prophet’s ramblings. The only OEDIPUS: Well THAT’S true, at least. All you do is sit around member of the royal household who fits all those descriptions in your stupid Diogenes Club. Anyway, CONFESS! I know you is… Creon. That jerk. did it. I’m Oedipus Holmes, I’m always right.

C5 [excitedly]: We know!!! We just reached the same conclusion. SONG: CREON AND CHORUS, ROYALS OEDIPUS: Good. You’re smarter than you look. I’ve never seen a crown on my head I prefer to walk and socialize with the layman C3: Please, it was elementary. I am proud of my address in the town of Thebes No post code envy [ALL groan loudly at the dumb line] 5 Everyone’s like [CREON is dragged off by chorus 2 & 6 to be exiled] Scepter gold crown red wine by the krater Gold coins peacocks drinking on the Andron SCENE 4 I don’t care, I’m driving chariots in my dreams IOCASTA: Wow, what a symposium that was last night… I Cause I don’t wanna be royal really overslept. I’ve missed like half the play. What’s up, guys? [CHORUS: royal] Even though it run in my blood C1: Oh, my queen! It’s so awful! That kind of Lux just ain’t for me I crave a different kind of seat C4: Oedipus has discovered the murderer of Laius, and it’s You don’t want me as your ruler Creon! [CHORUS: ruler] You don’t wanna call me king C3 [stage whispers]: I still think it’s Tiresias, personally. Cause baby I’ll fail, I’ll fail, I’ll fail Let me live behind the scenes [other CHORUS members shush them]

Cuz I prefer to walk and talk and know the common Theban IOCASTA: What?! That’s ridiculous. I’ll talk some sense to him. Show up give help listen to their problems He always gets like this when he’s on a case. I mean, last week he I’m the guy, that they turn to for advice thought that Agave had killed her own son Pentheus in some Bacchic frenzy. Where DOES he come up with these theories? Everyone’s like Scepter gold crown red wine by the krater CHORUS: [nervous laughter] Gold coins peacocks drinking on the Andron I don’t care, I’m driving chariots in my dreams [OEDIPUS enters]

So even though I’m royal OEDIPUS: Ah, my dear wife, where have you been all day? It’s [CHORUS: royal] been so exciting. I have found the murderer of Laius. I also made I don’t care for the throne several citizens’ arrests and found my missing krater in the agora... That kind of scene just ain’t for me No idea how it got there. I crave to wander on my own So even though I’m royal IOCASTA: I was sleeping. Your 7% wine solution was a bit too [CHORUS: royal] much for me. Anyway, you’re crazy- Creon didn’t murder Laius! I don’t wanna be king Cause Thebans, to rule, to rule, to rule, to rule OEDIPUS: No, you’re wrong. It’s the only possible solution. Isn’t my real fantasy Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.

6 IOCASTA: Stop that babbling and listen to me. A long time ago, OEDIPUS [yells]: I MURDERED A MAN AND I THINK IT when I gave birth, we received a prophecy that our child would MIGHT HAVE BEEN LAIUS. There, Apollo, are you happy? kill Laius. So naturally, we stabbed our newborn son in the foot I’m cursed! If I go home, I’ll kill my father, Polybus, but if I stay and left him to die on a mountain. [shrugs] here, I have to face the truth that I killed my totally not-father, Laius. Woe is me! OEDIPUS: That’s barbaric. As someone who, totally coincidentally, also suffered a foot stabbing as a newborn child, I IOCASTA: Okay, don’t panic. I’ll call for the shepherd who am offended. survived the incident. Maybe he can clarify everything.

IOCASTA: Eh, it happens. And Laius was killed by a robber [OEDIPUS exits hurriedly L] where three paths meet, not his son, and not Creon, so it’s all good. IOCASTA [calling after him]: But at least we know that you didn’t marry your mother, right? Or kill your father, Polybus. He’s alive OEDIPUS [panicking]: Oh god. Oh no. By Zeus, it can’t be. and well in Corinth.

IOCASTA: What’s wrong, dear? Continues into SCENE 5

OEDIPUS: Tell me, what did Laius look like? CORINTHIAN MESSENGER [runs in from the back]: POLYBUS IS DEAD!!!!!! MAYDAY, MAYDAY! [hehe.] I REPEAT, IOCASTA: Ha, you know, a lot like you. In fact, you look like POLYBUS IS DEAD! you could be his son or something. I guess I have a type. ALL: WHAT?! OEDIPUS: I have a confession to make. I never told you why I left Corinth. Well, I too received a prophecy. Apollo said that I IOCASTA: Oh come on, this day just keeps getting worse. I would kill my father and marry my mother. In order to escape should have stayed in bed. this fate, I left Corinth. C1: No! This can’t be! Polybus?! Dead?! IOCASTA: How horrible. But what does that have to do with anything? C3: It’s like something out of a Greek tragedy!

OEDIPUS: Well, um… On my way from Corinth, at a point C4 [to C3]: Ooooh, meta. Nice one. where three roads meet, I kind of… [mutters] murdered-a-guy- and-I-think-maybe-it-was-Laius. [laughs nervously] C3: Thanks. I’ve been saving it for the right moment. The kairos, if you will. IOCASTA: Sorry? I didn’t catch that. IOCASTA: Wait, this is actually fantastic news! This means that Oedipus’ prophecy won’t come true! 7 [ALL turn dramatically towards messenger] [OEDIPUS enters L] ALL: WHAT?!?!?!?! OEDIPUS: What’s all the shouting about? You’re disrupting my identity crisis. MESSENGER: Oh, um… haha, yeah… I didn’t mention that before? Actually, funny coincidence… I was the one who gave IOCASTA: Oh Oedipus, this messenger brings great news. Go you to Polybus. You’re welcome? on, tell him! OEDIPUS: Wait. My identity crisis has just gotten a million times MESSENGER [jazz hands]: Your dad’s dead! worse. Who am I? What am I? Tell me everything!

OEDIPUS: Oh, by the gods! Polybus is dead? My dear father! MESSENGER: Well, my friend the shepherd found you exposed Oh woe, woe is me… WAIT. That means that I didn’t kill him! on a mountain, and someone had stabbed your foot too, which I I’m free of the prophecy! thought was a bit overkill. Anyway, I really wasn’t in the right place in my life to become a single parent, so I gave you to IOCASTA: See, I told you that you didn’t kill your father. Polybus.

OEDIPUS: But… I had a dream that I killed him and married OEDIPUS: And who was this shepherd? my mother once. Surely that means something, right? MESSENGER: Actually, I think Iocasta just sent for him! Man, IOCASTA: Oh please, every son dreams about marrying his so many coincidences. mother once in a while. No big deal. [IOCASTA starts to look calculating, counting on her fingers and stuff. C3 [mutters]: And thus a thousand Freudian dissertations were Suddenly, she realizes.] born. IOCASTA: Eureka! [other CHORUS members shush them] C5 [mutters]: 1st person singular perfect indicative active of IOCASTA: In any case, now you can go to the funeral happily, heurisko. knowing that you didn’t kill your father. IOCASTA: Ssshh. Oh, Oedipus. Stop this now! Please, drop the OEDIPUS: No, I can’t! I might still sleep with my mother while case. Let this one mystery remain unsolved. I’m there! OEDIPUS: What?! No! I’m so close to solving this! I have to MESSENGER: Who, Merope? Dude… You know that you’re know who I am, and I need to stop the plague! adopted, right? IOCASTA: No, please no. 8 Let it go, let it go SONG: IOCASTA, LET IT GO Drop the case and slam the door All the marble glows white in Thebes tonight No symposium to be seen You don’t know A kingdom of plague and death, How bad the truth will sting And it looks like you’re the king. Let the mystery go Your past never bothered me anyway But you can’t solve this without hurting us some more Knowing about your parents won’t save us all OEDIPUS: That was moving, but I’m still going to solve it.

Don’t solve the case, just let it be IOCASTA: Oh, by the gods! [EXITS C] Be the ruler that all of Thebes needs Forget, don’t solve, don’t learn the truth Who needs the truth? SCENE 6

Let it go, let it go [SHEPHERD enters L, looking apprehensive] Don’t investigate anymore Let it go, let it go OEDIPUS: Ah, perfect. The shepherd. Please tell us everything Drop the case and slam the door you know.

You don’t know MESSENGER: Hey, buddy! Man, I haven’t seen you in ages! How bad the truth will sting You’ve put on 7 pounds since I last saw you. Let the mystery go Your past never bothered me anyway SHEPHERD: [mutters] 4 pounds. I mean- [very unconvincingly] Huh? And who are you? Never seen you before. It’s funny how some questions Are best when left alone MESSENGER: What?? Buddy, it’s me! Remember? We used to And the past that once controlled you hang out all the time in the mountains! We had matching Can’t get to you at all friendship bracelets! [shows his bracelet on his wrist]

It’so leave time this t all behind SHEPHERD [hiding his own wrist]: Um, nope. Noooope. Don’t To put it a-way and lead Thebes know you. Okay, bye! [tries to leave] No case, no past, no curse for you You’re free MESSENGER: Aw, come on. Tell the king here about that time we saved him from certain death on the mountain! How you gave Let it go, let it go him to me, and then I gave him to Polybus! Don’t investigate anymore 9 Oepidus is making everyone say: SHEPHERD [through his teeth]: Shut up, shut up! w-o-o-o-oh

OEDIPUS: Shepherd, tell me the truth. Who are my parents? I Murder! Incest! know you know. This cannot be real How could Laius be his father? SHEPHERD: Don’t make me say it. Murder! Incest! How did he not know MESSENGER [excitedly]: I’ll tell you! You come from the royal That Jo-casta was his mother? household of Thebes. Yes, this is unexpected. OEDIPUS: No. Tell me it isn’t true. Gods, help us to bypass it Thebes can’t have this reputation. SHEPHERD. Oh, by Hercules, yes. It’s true. Your parents are Murder! Incest! Iocasta and Laius. I’m sorry. This is why I exiled myself. This is really gross My my he should not have been our king! OEDIPUS: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Iocasta, where are you?! [exits C, the same way as Iocasta] Now we’re pulling our hair about letting him rule. He should pack up his things and get ready to run [CHORUS 2 & 6 enter] Cuz he should go, we don’t want him here Where is the seer? C2: Sorry, we stopped for snacks on the way back from banishing He was right about Oedipus Creon. What’d we miss? We should listen to him next time

MESSENGER: Oedipus is the son of Laius and Iocasta! Gross, Oedipus is wreaking havoc today eh? Oepidus is making everyone say: w-o-o-o-oh [general chaos, CHORUS lamenting] Murder! Incest! SONG: CHORUS, MAMMA MIA This cannot be real We were cheated to think all our troubles were done. How could Laius be his father? But we figured it out, he is Laius’ son. Murder! Incest! He’s not our king, he’s a murderer. How did he not know We don’t know how but he managed to enter Thebes. That Jo-casta was his mother? That’s a moment we now regret. Yes, this is unexpected. Oedipus is wreaking havoc today Gods, help us to bypass it 10 Thebes can’t have this reputation. IOCASTA: Although this doesn’t really solve the whole “killing Murder! Incest! Laius” thing. This is really gross My my he should not have been our king! [SUDDENLY, LAIUS, one of the chorus members puts on a moustache and pops up.] SCENE 7 LAIUS: Interesting thing, a tunica. It lends distinction to friends [IOCASTA runs in from C, carrying a sheet of paper] and anonymity to chorus members.

IOCASTA: WAIT! Stop everything! IOCASTA: Laius?!?! My dear husband?!?!

[CHORUS quiets] LAIUS: Yes, um, short version: not dead.

[OEDIPUS comes out from C, wearing those eyeball glasses] C4: I KNEW IT!

OEDIPUS: Oh, my dear wife-- mother-- whatever! What news C6: No you didn’t! could you possibly have for us? C3: He faked his death?! IOCASTA: You are not my son! C1: But how? OEDIPUS: And how could you possibly know that?! All the evidence suggests otherwise. C2: And why?!

IOCASTA: Well, I was on my way to commit suicide, horrified at OEDIPUS: What is happening? Laius, explain yourself! my own incestuous actions, when I decided to check first. So I took a Delta-Nu-Alpha test. You’re not my son! The messenger LAIUS: Well, I needed to fake my own death to escape some of must have been lying! [turns to look at him] my enemies. I was on my way to the Oracle at Reichenbach Falls when I ran into you, and it seemed like the perfect opportunity. MESSENGER: Um… got you! I was just pranking you. A bit As we fought, I employed a special technique of Spartan unfair, I admit, but in my defense, it was very funny. wrestling, and although I appeared to die, I managed to avoid it. I’ve spent the past few years hunting down all of the enemies of [ALL glare at him] Thebes, and making you all mourn my death needlessly and pointlessly. Surprise! OEDIPUS: Chorus, seize him! C5: How could you?! [CHORUS grabs him] C4: That’s actually kind of awesome. 11 We got a funny feeling when you walked into our town [CHORUS members all agree] Hey, my As we recall, you ruled us much too soon C2: Laius, the Reichenbach Hero! ALL: IOCASTA: While I’m totally pissed at you for lying, I’m really Oh, what a fate happy you’re not dead. Hypnotizing, mesmerizing us Thebes was everything we dreamed she'd be OEDIPUS: And I’m really happy that I didn’t kill you, and that Sweet Olympus, what a night I’m not your son. That was a close call. I almost carved my eyes out! [takes off glasses] Good thing I decided to do a trial run with OEDIPUS: these first. [throws them aside] And I felt a rush like a rolling bolt of thunder Spinning my head around and taking my body under LAIUS: Yes, now there’s only one problem. Iocasta, you have Oh, what a fate two husbands. CHORUS: IOCASTA: Huh. Well, better two husbands than none at all, Oh, we right? Got a funny feeling when you walked into our town Hey, my [CREON suddenly enters, still looking confused] As we recall, you ruled us much too soon

CREON: So, what have I missed? LEADS: Oh, what a fate FINAL SONG: EVERYONE, DECEMBER 1963 CHORUS: OEDIPUS: Do do do do do, do do do do Oh, what a fate [REPEAT AS WE ENTER INTO THE AUDIENCE] Late four hundred twenty nine BC NB: Oedipus looks around for someone to dance with… Tiresias is dancing What a very tragic time for me with Jocasta. As I remember, what a fate THE END Oh, what a fate You know, I didn't even know my dad But I was never gonna make him glad With my mother, what a fate

CHORUS: Oh, we 12