By ALLAN L. BEANE, PH.D. Author, the Bully Free Classroom™ Website
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by ALLAN L. BEANE, PH.D. Author, The Bully Free Classroomä Website: www.bullyfree.com Copyright October 29, 2003, Allan L. Beane, Ph.D. DEDICATION This book is dedicated to our son, Curtis Allan Beane, who was bullied in seventh grade and high school. It is also dedicated to our granddaughters, Emily Grace Turner and Sarah Gail Turner. Emily was born on the first anniversary of Curtis’ death. She and Sarah have brought light into our darkness. I hope this book, and those who use it, will bring light into the darkness of children who are mistreated. ACKNOWLEDGMENTS Grateful thanks are offered to everyone who has helped by providing advice, information, and comments during the preparation of this book. Special acknowledgement and thanks are due to Linda Beane for her desktop publishing knowledge and skills. Special acknowledgement and thanks are due to Darlene Gibson for her editing knowledge and skills. Some of the material in this book is reproduced from and/or based on The Bully Free Classroomä: Over 100 Tips and Strategies for Teachers K8 by Allan L. Beane, Ph.D. Ó 1999. Material is used with permission from Free Spirit Publishing Inc., Minneapolis, MN; 18667037322; www.freespirit.com. All rights reserved. TABLE OF CONTENTS Dedication Acknowledgements Preface INTRODUCTION AND PURPOSE...............................................................................................4 WHAT IS THE NATURE OF BULLYING? .................................................................................5 Fact Sheet # 1: What is bullying? Fact Sheet # 2: What does bullying look like? Fact Sheet # 3: How are girls and boys different in their bullying? Fact Sheet # 4: How frequently does it occur? Fact Sheet # 5: When and where does it usually occur? Fact Sheet # 6: Why do children keep it a secret? Fact Sheet # 7: Why must it be stopped? WHAT ARE THE WARNING SIGNS?.......................................................................................13 Fact Sheet # 8: Possible Characteristics of Potential Victims Fact Sheet # 9: Possible Characteristics of Victims (Warning Signs) Fact Sheet # 10: Possible Characteristics of Bullies (Warning Signs) WHAT CAN I DO AT HOME TO GIVE MY CHILD A GOOD START?................................17 HOW CAN I PROMOTE MY CHILD’S ACCEPTANCE?........................................................45 WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BULLYING AND NORMAL CONFLICT?........51 WHAT SHOULD I DO WHEN MY CHILD IS A TARGET OF BULLYING?.........................52 • What You Can Do • Tips for the Victim: What Your Child Can Do HOW CAN I PREVENT CYBER BULLYING? .........................................................................74 WHAT SHOULD I DO WHEN SCHOOL PERSONNEL BULLY MY CHILD?......................76 WHAT SUPPORTIVE TIPS SHOULD I GIVE MY CHILD’S SIBLINGS? .............................79 WHAT SHOULD I DO WHEN MY CHILD IS BULLYING OTHERS (INCLUDING SIBLINGS)?................................................................................................80 • What You Can Do • Tips for the Bully: What Your Child Can Do HOW CAN I HELP MY CHILD WHO IS A BYSTANDER?.....................................................87 • Tips for Bystanders HOW CAN I PARTICIPATE IN THE SCHOOLWIDE BULLY FREE TM PROGRAM? ........89 Conclusion ......................................................................................................................................92 References.......................................................................................................................................93 About the Author................................................................................................................... 97 2 Copyright October 29, 2003, Allan L. Beane, Ph.D. PREFACE As I look back on my school days, I remember times when my classmates were bullied. In fact, I regret that I participated in that behavior, even though I didn’t directly bully them. My participation was as a bystander who didn’t do anything to help them. At that time, I sensed the hurt that victims experienced. Later, as a special education teacher, I quickly became more aware that children could be cruel to each other. They often mistreat individuals who are “different.” The children I taught were rejected, teased, and called names. This caused a great deal of concern in them, their parents, and me. I often wondered, “How can kids be so cruel?” So, I began to explore a few ways to promote a sense of belonging and acceptance in others. Unfortunately, I stopped this exploration and became involved in other research. Several years later the pain of being mistreated visited our home. When our son, Curtis, was in seventh grade, he was bullied and eventually isolated by several students. My wife and I decided to transfer him to another school system. He found acceptance and a sense of belonging at the new middle school. However, at age fifteen Curtis was in a car accident that changed his life. My wife and I had to give the surgeons permission to remove two fingers and onethird of his right hand. He had two other fingers repaired and one rebuilt. When he went back to school, many of his classmates encouraged and supported him. Unfortunately, many were cruel to him. Once again, I asked myself, “How can kids be so cruel?” There was a cry from within me, for answers. I wanted to know if I could stop cruelty from developing, and I wanted to stop it after it has already developed. There was also a cry from within my son, but it was deeper and more intense than mine. The bullying had a tremendous impact on his selfesteem, confidence, and his emotional health even into the adult years. At the age of twentythree, he suffered from depression and anxiety. He developed PostTraumatic Stress from the wreck and from the persistent peer mistreatment. He also sought the company of the wrong people. He got desperate to escape his pain by taking an illegal drug. Since he had a heart problem that we didn’t know about, the drug killed him. Now you understand why I wrote my first book, The Bully Free Classroomä, and why I am writing this book for you, the parents. I understand the pain expressed by children who are mistreated and the heartache experienced by their parents. I want to stop the pain. Please join me in bringing light into the darkness of kids who are mistreated everyday. I hope that you and your family are blessed with health, peace, and happiness and that you will be instruments that will promote acceptance and a sense of belonging in others. Any child I can help through you and your family will bring honor and purpose to my son’s life. Bullying can be found in every school system, school, and classroom. To prevent and reduce bullying, a systematic effort must be made in each school. There must be a systemwide commitment to prevent and stop bullying. There must also be adult involvement, including parents and others in the community. This kind of commitment doesn’t always exist. It is difficult to believe, but I have actually had school superintendents tell me that bullying didn’t exist in their school system. Adults denying that bullying exists, or ignoring bullying, is the worst thing that can happen to children, a school, and a community. When adults get involved and harness the energy of school personnel, parents, community representatives, and children, bullying can be prevented and stopped. Well, at least significantly reduced. I often wonder if we can ever eliminate it – considering the whole nature of human beings. However, I am extremely hopeful. If you are a parent, I hope you find this book informative and helpful. If you work in a school system, I hope you will strive to implement a Bully Freeä Program. Please tell others about this book and the other Bully Freeä resources. Copyright October 29, 2003, Allan L. Beane, Ph.D. 3 INTRODUCTION AND PURPOSE Parenting has never been an easy job, but it seems that the job is more complicated today than ever before. Unfortunately, parents 1 are not given enough opportunities to learn how to fulfill their responsibilities as parents. We train people how to fulfill the requirements of almost every job, except how to do the most important job in the world, parenting. Parents need more guidance today than they have ever needed it before. The violence we see in our communities and schools reflects our neglect of providing such guidance. Tremendous gaps currently exist in the knowledge and skills of parents. This book is designed to help fill some of those gaps. It is written for parents. However, school personnel who seek to guide parents should also read it. Schools are encouraged to make this book available to as many parents as possible, but especially to parents of potential victims of bullying, parents of victims, and parents of bullies. It is designed to be an informative, practical, and useful tool. The book is composed of several fact sheets about bullying as well as effective tips and suggestions for parents that can be readily accessed to help their children. The format is intentional. Narrative and educational terms have been kept to a minimum and much of the content is presented in a bullet format with short, concise, and useful one to four sentence tips. Throughout this book, certain themes are repeated. This is intentional. It is hoped that you and your family never forget these themes. The themes are: • Since school violence is a heart problem, hearts must be changed. • The Golden Rule –treat others the way you want to be treated – must be valued and lived. • We