Director’s Book By Jeff Fluharty Music and Lyrics by Scott DeTurk

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HAPHAZARDLY EVER AFTER—THE MUSICAL FLEXIBLE CAST SIZE Other than the Royal Family, the servants, and the narrator, most roles Book by JEFF FLUHARTY only appear in a limited number of scenes, thus allowing for significant Music and lyrics by SCOTT DeTURK doubling. Haphazardly Ever After—The Musical can be produced with CAST OF CHARACTERS a cast as small as 19 with the following doubling: (In Order of Appearance) (Either) NARRATOR # of lines (Male) KING BARNABAS FAIRY ONE ...... enthusiastic; she loves being 24 (Female) QUEEN MILDRED a fairy (Female) PRINCESS PEPPERMINT (Female) PRINCESS CINNAMON FAIRY TWO ...... another; she also loves being 22 (Male) PRINCE HAIRGEL a fairy (Male) PRINCE SLACKER RELUCTANT FAIRY ...... he’s not happy about being 27 (Female) ENTHUSIASTIC FAIRY ONE, GLITTERBELL a fairy (Female) ENTHUSIASTIC FAIRY TWO, WITCH NARRATOR ...... dutifully tells the story 36 (Male) RELUCTANT FAIRY, DUKE OF CRANBERRY SERVANT ONE ...... Royal Servant who dreams of 19 (Either) ROYAL SERVANT ONE a bigger part (Either) ROYAL SERVANT TWO SERVANT TWO ...... another servant who also 11 (Female) ROYAL THERAPIST, FAIRY GODMOTHER, GENIE dreams of a bigger part (Female) PRINCESS AMBROSIA, A PAGE NAMED PAIGE KING BARNABAS ...... kind and noble king 92 (Male) PRINCE CHOWDER, SORCERER, EDDIE QUEEN MILDRED ...... kind and quirky queen 103 (Male) ROYAL TEACHER TWO, FAIRY TALE INSPECTOR, MYSTERIOUS PRINCE HAIRGEL ...... thinks he is gorgeous, 34 OLD MAN amazing, and wonderful (Either) MOE, CRANBERRY’S ASSISTANT, STAGE CREW TWO PRINCE SLACKER ...... thinks being a prince is way 29 (Either) POE, MAGIC MIRROR, STAGE CREW ONE too hard (Either) ROE, ROYAL TEACHER ONE, PHONE OPERATOR PRINCESS PEPPERMINT ...... bratty and not very smart 38 Of course, a cast of any size between 19 and 35 is possible by PRINCESS CINNAMON ...... bratty and mean 53 following only some of these doubling suggestions. For a breakdown of characters by scene, consult the Director’s Book. ROYAL THERAPIST ...... naïve; thinks she can help the 10 Royal Family PRINCESS PEPPERMINT TURNING INTO A FROG DUKE OF CRANBERRY ...... courts the Princess Cinnamon 2 In ACT TWO, Scene Two, PRINCESS PEPPERMINT turns into a frog. CRANBERRY’S ASSISTANT ...helps the Duke of Cranberry 2 This can be done several ways. The simplest way is to have PRINCESS PRINCESS AMBROSIA ...... looking for her prince 4 PEPPERMINT physically act like a frog with no costume change. Another PRINCE CHOWDER ...... courts Princess Peppermint 3 option is to have a frog hat, mask, puppet, or simple costume hidden behind the sofa. When PRINCESS PEPPERMINT goes behind the sofa, ROYAL TEACHER ONE ...... tries to educate the Royal 6 she then emerges as a frog. Children ROYAL TEACHER TWO ...... another 7 STAGE CREW ONE ...... ends up in the play 2 STAGE CREW TWO ...... another 2 MAGIC MIRROR ...... magic mirror with pizzazz 12

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PRINCE SLACKER: Fancy tunic with royal symbol on it, belt, tie-dyed FAIRY GODMOTHER ...... top fairy tale contractor in 7 sash, cape and/or crown. His attire reflects his carefree, lazy the business attitude. MOE ...... head Enchanted Depot 18 DUKE OF CRANBERRY and PRINCE CHOWDER: Fancy tunics, belts, employee sashes, capes, crown for the prince. POE ...... Enchanted Depot employee 19 CRANBERRY’S ASSISTANT: Simple tunic. ROE ...... another 15 PRINCESS AMBROSIA: Fairy tale princess dress. PAIGE ...... serves the king and queen 19 MYSTERIOUS OLD MAN ...... planning a fairy tale with a bean 1 STAGE CREW: All black or possibly shirts with play logo. stalk MAGIC MIRROR: Wears dark colors and holds a large frame made WITCH ...... planning a fairy tale for a 3 out of cardboard in front of head and upper body. The frame has princess a solid center covered by tinfoil with a cutout for Magic Mirror’s SORCERER ...... planning an Arabian fairy tale 1 head. Fabric or rope handles can be attached to the back. EDDIE...... plumber from Hoboken, NJ 8 FAIRY GODMOTHER: Fairy godmother dress, magic wand, crown, tiara GENIE...... claustrophobic and tired of 4 or fairy godmother style hat. helping MOE, POE, ROE, PHONE OPERATOR: Matching Enchanted Depot PHONE OPERATOR ...... Enchanted Depot phone operator 3 purple and white tunics or work aprons. Phone operator also has GLITTERBELL ...... seen as a sparkle of light and 7 a headset. heard as a kazoo WITCH: Black evil-looking dress, witch’s hat. FAIRY TALE INSPECTOR ...... enforces fairy tale rules and 6 MYSTERIOUS OLD MAN: Earth tone or plain colored tunic, sash, beard, checks for permits cane or walking stick. CHORUS ...... as suitors, fairy helpers, shoppers, servants, and other extras SORCERER: Dark, mysterious-looking flowing clothing, sorcerer’s hat and/or cape. NOTE: See PRODUCTION NOTES for doubling suggestions for a cast as small as 19. GENIE: Harem pants, blouse with flowing sleeves, scarves, jewelry. EDDIE: Jeans, blue work shirt with “Eddie’s Plumbing” on it. FAIRY TALE INSPECTOR: Serious-looking, dark colored fairy tale clothing, cape. GENDER FLEXIBLE CASTING The roles of the Royal Family, Witch, Duke of Cranberry, Fairy Godmother, the three Fairies, Genie, Princess Ambrosia, Prince Chowder, and Eddie are gender specific. The remainder of the cast may be played male or female as needed. Some of the roles, such as the ROYAL SERVANTS, are written specifically male or female, but may be changed to suit your particular casting needs with simple pronoun changes.

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SETTING SOUND EFFECTS An enchanted kingdom, once upon a time. Magical sound effects are suggested whenever the fairies throw pixie dust, when Genie first comes out of the lamp, and whenever Glitterbell SET DESCRIPTION appears. With the exception of one scene, the entire play takes place inside In addition, the following sound effects are needed: Dragon roar, the great room of the Royal Castle. A sofa is CENTER, with the king’s glass breaking, crash, “Wham! Pow! Bang!” noises, rim shot, horse throne to the LEFT of the sofa and the queen’s throne to the RIGHT. A clip-clops, phone ringing. table with a royal-looking tablecloth is RIGHT. There’s a handbell on the A kazoo is needed for all of GLITTERBELL’S lines. table. A backdrop of a castle interior and various other items can be used to help embellish the set as desired. GLITTERBELL Enchanted Depot in ACT TWO, Scene One can be created by removing GLITTERBELL is portrayed as a spot of light. This can be done by using the thrones and placing a piece of wood across the armrests of the a follow spot, a laser pointer or a strong flashlight. The light should sofa. The sofa can then be covered by a large sheet to become a be projected on the backdrop, and the actors should track the spot display shelf. The table used in the castle can be moved closer to the of light and react to it. In ACT TWO, Scene Three, a small light can be sofa and used as the checkout counter. Various containers labeled placed in the bag that ROE carries. When GLITTERBELL enters the bag, magic, potions, spells, etc. should be placed on the sofa and table. A ROE can turn on the light to help create the illusion that the fairy is in large sign reading “Enchanted Depot” is LEFT. the bag. A chair or stool is DOWN LEFT for the NARRATOR and remains onstage COSTUME SUGGESTIONS for the entire play. FAIRIES: Colorful and bright fairy attire such as tutus or tunics with SYNOPSIS OF SCENES belts and tights. Each carries a wand and a bag of pixie dust. ACT ONE NARRATOR: Contemporary, professional clothing, reading glasses. Scene One: The Fairies Arrive KING and QUEEN: Traditional royal robes or capes, crowns. Scene Two: The Royal Therapist SERVANTS: Option 1—chain mail or tunics with a royal symbol and a Scene Three: The Suitors Arrive belt. Option 2—fairy tale/Renaissance style servant dress. Wigs Scene Four: Educating the Children for “hair gel” part in ACT TWO, Scene Three. SERVANT TWO always Scene Five: A Fairy Intervention carries a trumpet or horn. PAIGE: Simple fairy tale/Renaissance style dress or tunic. ACT TWO ROYAL THERAPIST, ROYAL TEACHERS: fairy tale/Renaissance style Scene One: Inside Enchanted Depot dresses or tunics with belts. Scene Two: A Fairy Tale Plan PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: Red and white fairy tale princess dress, Scene Three: Magic in Reverse tiara. Frog hat, costume or puppet for ACT TWO, Scene Two. (See PRODUCTION NOTE above.) Graduation gown and cap for ACT TWO, Scene Three. PRINCESS CINNAMON: Brown or rust fairy tale princess dress, tiara. PRINCE HAIRGEL: Fancy tunic with royal symbol, belt, sash adorned with metals, cape and/or crown. He is meticulously dressed to go with his vain personality. Wig with extremely long, blonde hair for ACT TWO, Scene Two.

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Scene Four: SEQUENCE OF MUSICAL NUMBERS Shields (TEACHER TWO, PRINCE HAIRGEL, PRINCE SLACKER) Tray, teapot, teacups (SERVANT ONE) ACT ONE MC1 Overture ...... Instrumental Scene Five: Bonsai tree, clippers, spray bottle, cloth (SERVANT ONE) MC1a Fairies Dance ...... Instrumental Tray with puzzle pieces (SERVANT TWO) MC2 Haphazardly Ever After ...... Narrator, Royal Dress, flowerpot, torn teddy bear (PRINCESS CINNAMON) Family, Chorus Torn dress (PRINCESS PEPPERMINT) MC3 Why Was I Born into This Family? ...... Royal Therapist, Fairy tale book (FAIRY TWO) Royal Children Notepad, pencil (RELUCTANT FAIRY) MC4 Pushed This Shrink Smartphone, bag of chips, TV remote (PRINCE SLACKER) Right to the Brink ...... Royal Therapist Handbag with abacus, notepad, pencil (FAIRY GODMOTHER) MC4a Haphazardly Ever After–Reprise ...... Narrator Comb (PRINCE HAIRGEL) MC5 These Suitors Never Suit Me ...... Royal Children, Paper airplane (ROE) Duke of Cranberry, Hobbyhorse, satchel (SERVANTS) Princess Ambrosia, ACT TWO Prince Chowder, Scene One: Chorus Three brooms, genie lamp (POE) MC5a Haphazardly Ever After–Reprise ...... Narrator Fishing net with handle, enchanted paper airplanes (ROE) MC6 Unteachable ...... Teachers Gold coins (MYSTERIOUS OLD MAN) Enchanted paper airplanes (Thrown on stage by stage crew) MC6a Haphazardly Ever After–Reprise ...... Narrator Stack of coupons, coins (WITCH) MC6b Fairies Dance ...... Instrumental Genie lamp, receipt (SORCERER) MC6c Haphazardly Ever After–Reprise ...... Narrator Coins (RELUCTANT FAIRY) MC7 Does Somebody Hobbyhorse, coins (PAIGE) Need a Little Magic? ...... Fairy Godmother, Scene Two: Chorus Damaged golf club, golf ball on crown (KING) MC7a Haphazardly Ever After–Reprise ...... Narrator, Ensemble Bag containing four potion bottles (blue, red, green, gold), genie lamp, sheaf of paper, hobbyhorse (PAIGE) ACT TWO Smartphone (PRINCE SLACKER) MC8 The Enchanted Depot ...... Moe, Poe, Roe, Extremely long wig (PRINCE HAIRGEL) Mysterious Old Scene Three: Man, Witch, Small bag with light in it (ROE) Sorcerer, Reluctant “Charges” notebook (FAIRY TALE INSPECTOR) Fairy, Chorus Hair gel container (PRINCE HAIRGEL) MC9 The Fairy Tale Book ...... Queen Large notepad with diagrams and mathematical formulas, pencil, MC10 The Spell to End All Spells ...... King, Magic Mirror diploma (PRINCESS PEPPERMINT) MC10a Fairies Dance ...... Instrumental Bonsai tree, clippers (SERVANT ONE) MC11 Love and Happiness ...... Royal Family, Genie, Tray with puzzle pieces (SERVANT TWO) Eddie, Ensemble MC11a Curtain Call-Haphazardly Ever After .....Ensemble

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1 A king and a queen HAPHAZARDLY EVER AFTER–THE MUSICAL Caught up in between The mood of their brood ACT ONE Scene One – The Fairies Arrive And bad attitude, 1 MUSIC CUE 1: “Overture.” 5 The frenzy and fits, The end of our wits! AT RISE: The great room of the Royal Castle. There is a large, fancy Haphazardly Ever After script on the NARRATOR’S chair. FAIRY Prepare yourself for all that happens next! MUSIC plays as FAIRIES ENTER, carrying their ever present wands Haphazardly ever after! (MUSIC OUT.) 5 and wearing small bags of pixie dust. FAIRIES ONE and TWO move about enthusiastically while RELUCTANT FAIRY walks casually and is confused about what is going on. FAIRY ONE throws pixie dust, and FAIRY TWO carries a book of fairy tales. FAIRY ONE: (To AUDIENCE.) Welcome, fellow travelers. We are fairies 10 here to guide you on your journey through this enchanted land. FAIRY TWO: It is a mystical land of wonder and merriment. Where we fairies— RELUCTANT FAIRY: Wait a minute. We’re fairies? FAIRY ONE: Yes, we are ethereal and magical fairies. We prance 15 through the woods, sing at the moon, and— RELUCTANT FAIRY: (Protests.) I don’t want to be a fairy. FAIRY TWO: (Annoyed.) Well, you are a fairy. (Continues to AUDIENCE.) The tale we are here to tell is about a king and queen. It is the tale of— 20 RELUCTANT FAIRY: As a fairy, does that mean I can fly? I’ve always wanted to fly. (Tries to fly unsuccessfully.) FAIRY ONE: We are flightless fairies. RELUCTANT FAIRY: I’m a flightless fairy! So, I’m like an ostrich or a penguin? 25 FAIRY TWO: Yes. RELUCTANT FAIRY: Being fairies, we must have some super powers. (Mimes.) Like amazing strength, or the power to read minds, or run incredibly fast. FAIRY ONE: (Stern.) We have the power to tell an enchanted story. 30 FAIRY TWO: (Cheery.) And sometimes cause a little mischief. RELUCTANT FAIRY: That’s not really as cool as super strength. (Takes fairy tale book from FAIRY TWO. Flips through book.) So, are we going to tell one of these stories? There are a lot of great stories in here. Snow White, Beauty and the Beast, Rapunzel. These stories are 35 awesome! (Points in the book.) How about Jack and the Beanstalk? Let’s do that one. I love the giant in that story. (Acts like a giant.) “Fe, fi, fo, fum, I smell the blood of…”(Looks at OTHER FAIRIES. They disapprove. Giant imitation fades.) …someone who’s no fun.

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1 FAIRY TWO: (Takes the book.) No, our tale is not in this book, but this 1 Some people understand, book will be in our tale. And others, it dismays. RELUCTANT FAIRY: Our “tale is not in this book, but this book is PRINCE HAIRGEL/PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: (Sing.) in our tale.” Did you get that line out of a fortune cookie? I’m Love and happiness. 5 confused. 5 It’s so easy to say, FAIRY ONE: Wait and see, for the story is about to begin. But sometimes it’s hard to find RELUCTANT FAIRY: (To AUDIENCE.) It’s about time. When we’ve lost our way. FAIRY TWO: We must do the enchanted fairy tale dance to start the PRINCE SLACKER/GENIE: (Sing.) Love and happiness, story. (MUSIC CUE 1a: “Fairies Dance.”) Two things that can’t be bought. 10 FAIRY ONE: Yes. We must. (FAIRIES ONE and TWO start a fairy tale 10 It’s not a lesson that we learn dance.) Or something to be taught. RELUCTANT FAIRY: No, no, no… No enchanted fairy dance. (MUSIC PRINCESS CINNAMON/EDDIE: (Sing.) Love and happiness OUT. OTHER FAIRIES are disappointed.) And telling the whole story? Can come out of the blue, That sounds like a lot of work. How about we get a narrator? But only lasts forever when 15 She can tell the story, and we can occasionally interject wit and 15 You find the love that’s true. mischief. Besides, there’s some good food backstage. ROYAL FAMILY/GENIE/EDDIE: (Sing.) FAIRY ONE: What kind of food? Some things can feel like love RELUCTANT FAIRY: Grapes, crackers, fancy cheeses. When we’re underneath their spell. FAIRY TWO: Do they have Brie cheese? We consult the cards and the stars above, 20 But still it’s hard to tell. 20 RELUCTANT FAIRY: Yes. But when love comes with happiness, FAIRY ONE: This is a fabulous idea. You will know it to be real. FAIRY TWO: We’ll get a narrator. (FAIRIES ONE and TWO run OFF and You won’t have to think. It’s effortless wheel ON a dolly carrying NARRATOR, who is covered by a large box When it’s in your heart to feel. front that reads “Enchanted Depot.” FAIRIES take NARRATOR off the 25 ENSEMBLE: (Sing.) The love and happiness. 25 dolly and remove the box. NARRATOR is FROZEN.) It’s one thing we all pray FAIRY ONE: With a sprinkle of this magic pixie dust our story will For love and happiness. begin. (Throws pixie dust on the NARRATOR. SOUND EFFECT: PIXIE We struggle, search, and stay DUST. NARRATOR comes to life and picks up the script from the For love and happiness, chair DOWN LEFT as FAIRIES EXIT.) 30 What everybody needs. End of Scene One It’s why songs are sung and stories told. ACT ONE It’s what keeps us young as we grow old. Scene Two – The Royal Therapist It makes us whole and feeds our soul. 30 Inside the Royal Castle. It’s the stuff that fairy tales are all made of. MUSIC CUE 2: “Haphazardly Ever After.” CHORUS ENTERS in the dark 35 Love and happiness. and remains in a SOFT FREEZE, observing the scene like a GREEK Happiness and love. (MUSIC OUT.) (Wave to AUDIENCE as they CHORUS. EXIT.) Happily ever after! (LIGHTS FADE OUT.) NARRATOR: (Sings.) Once upon a time END OF MUSICAL 35 In a land far, far away, MUSIC CUE 11a: “Haphazardly Ever After—Curtain Call.” There lived a benevolent king and queen. (SERVANTS ONE and ENSEMBLE: (Sings.) Haphazardly ever after. TWO ENTER, carrying horns.) 40 We’re puzzled, confused, perplexed,

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1 come, the king and queen enjoyed each other’s company in their 1 SERVANT ONE: (Speaks.) I present to you King Barnabas. peaceful castle. (KING and QUEEN sit. SERVANTS ONE and TWO SERVANT TWO: (Speaks.) And Queen Mildred. (Blows horn. KING and ENTER. SERVANT ONE carries a bonsai tree and clippers. SERVANT QUEEN ENTER. SERVANTS EXIT.) TWO carries a tray with a puzzle on it.) NARRATOR: (Sings.) Compassionate and kind, 5 SERVANT ONE: My queen, here is your bonsai tree. 5 Their love grew stronger day by day. SERVANT TWO: My king, here is your jigsaw puzzle. (SERVANTS hold They spread peace and harmony throughout the land items while QUEEN trims the bonsai tree and the KING works on As they ruled their loyal subjects hand-in-hand, the puzzle.) And simple pleasures occupied their mind. (KING and QUEEN sit KING: Look, dear, I completed my puzzle. Well, I’ll be a jester in a tutu! on their thrones. SERVANT ONE ENTERS with a bonsai tree and 10 It’s a picture of a cat hanging from a tree branch, and it reads, 10 clippers. SERVANT TWO ENTERS with a tray with puzzle pieces on it. “Hang in there, baby.” That’s so clever and funny! SERVANTS hold items while QUEEN trims the bonsai tree and KING QUEEN: And I do believe I’ve finished my bonsai tree.(SERVANTS EXIT works on the puzzle.) with trays.) KING: (Speaks.) Your bonsai tree is looking divine, my dear. KING: Oh, the joys of a quiet castle. QUEEN: (Speaks.) Thank you, darling. And it looks like you are making 15 QUEEN: Just a wise king. (Gestures lovingly towards KING.) 15 fine progress on that jigsaw puzzle. KING: And a brilliant queen. (Gestures lovingly towards QUEEN.) KING: (Places a piece in the puzzle. Speaks.) I got another puzzle piece QUEEN: Ruling a kingdom in peace and quiet. (MUSIC CUE 11: “Love in! (SERVANTS EXIT with items.) and Happiness.”) NARRATOR: (Sings.) NARRATOR: (Speaks.) Surprisingly, the king and queen also enjoyed They reigned through the years with grace and dignity, 20 their children and relished in their accomplishments. Princess 20 Much admired and adored, Peppermint graduated with honors from the Royal University. And everywhere they went, the crowds would cheer. (KING and PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: (ENTERS in a graduation cap and gown and QUEEN walk DOWNSTAGE and wave to the AUDIENCE as if they are holds a diploma. Speaks to AUDIENCE.) I’m humbled to be your their royal subjects.) valedictorian, and I pledge my future to the pursuit of knowledge KING: (Speaks.) It is a wonderful kingdom. 25 and the greater good of our kingdom. 25 QUEEN: (Speaks.) Yes, it is. (KING and QUEEN return to their thrones.) KING: (Speaks to QUEEN. Proud.) That’s our daughter. NARRATOR: (Sings.) There was only one thing wrong NARRATOR: (Speaks.) As for Prince Hairgel, surprisingly, his hair In this perfect fairy tale. gel made him one of the most successful entrepreneurs in the To be accurate, one thing multiplied by four, kingdom. And the four multiply the wrong by so much more 30 PRINCE HAIRGEL: (ENTERS, speaks.) I might be just one of the most 30 To the point where the royal couple’s best efforts successful entrepreneurs, but I’m definitely the best looking. All seemed doomed to fail. (CHORUS comes to life and joins the (Gives the AUDIENCE a model-like stare and perfects his hair with NARRATOR DOWN CENTER.) his hand.) NARRATOR/CHORUS: (Sing.) Haphazardly ever after. NARRATOR: (Speaks.) More importantly, he only occasionally graced It’s chaos from dusk to dawn 35 the castle with his presence. And of course there was a Royal 35 With potions and spells, Double Wedding. (ALL ENTER and stand in wedding formation.) Hellos and farewells, FAIRY TALE INSPECTOR: (Speaks, presiding over the wedding.) I now And mystical goings-on. pronounce you husband and wife, and husband and Genie. You Haphazardly ever after. may kiss your brides. (COUPLES kiss.) A mirror, a genie, a witch, 40 KING/QUEEN: (Sing.) Love and happiness, 40 Three fairies that dance, One simple little phrase,

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1 Unlikely romance, 1 like stare to the AUDIENCE.) As a sample and a service to the And many a hitch and glitch. kingdom, I have already applied some Prince Hairgel’s Hair Gel to Tell me, how do you solve four problems like these? the Royal Servants. (Claps twice. SERVANTS ENTER with outrageous They can bring the strongest to their knees. hairstyles. They give the AUDIENCE model-like stares.) 5 Is there magic enough to pleasure and please 5 SERVANT ONE: Prince Hairgel’s Hair Gel. Poor Cupid who’s not so quick to appease? SERVANT TWO: Unleash your inner Prince Charming. Haphazardly ever after, PRINCE HAIRGEL: Don’t they just look phenomenal? A tale with no simple end. KING: Well, it is a unique look. There’s no magic kiss. QUEEN: Yes, “unique” is a good word choice. 10 It’s all hit ’n’ miss, 10 PRINCE HAIRGEL: I will be selling Prince Hairgel’s Hair Gel at my new So make a wish and pretend. Royal Hair Salon on the far side of the kingdom. Unfortunately, I KING/QUEEN: (Stand and sing.) Where did we go off the track? will need to move out and into a nearby castle. Goodbye, parents. They never want. They never lack. I will see you during the Royal Holidays. (EXITS with SERVANTS.) We gave them everything a soul could dream. QUEEN: (Happy.) He’s moving out. (Claps.) 15 They never felt a stinging hand, 15 KING: This is wonderful. An angry word, a reprimand. QUEEN: I still don’t know what happened. How did everything work We gave them wealth and love and self-esteem. (KING and QUEEN out? return to their thrones.) PAIGE: Excuse me, Your Highness, if I may be so bold to answer that NARRATOR/CHORUS: (Sing.) Haphazardly ever after. question. 20 We’re puzzled, confused, perplexed. 20 QUEEN: Pandora, please do. A king and a queen Caught up in between PAIGE: It wasn’t the magic that changed your children. It was the The mood of their brood… experiences they had that changed them. ALL: (Sing.) And bad attitude, QUEEN: (In awe.) You are very wise, how did you know that? 25 The frenzy and fits, PAIGE: (Proud.) I used the powers of observation. (Confesses.) And, The end of our wits! 25 between scenes I looked at the Narrator’s notes. Prepare yourself for all that happens… KING: (KING and QUEEN look at NARRATOR. Surprised.) Oh, I never NARRATOR/KING/QUEEN: (Sing.) …next! noticed the Narrator. ALL: (Sings.) Haphazardly ever after! (MUSIC OUT. CHORUS EXITS. QUEEN: (To NARRATOR.) My heavens, how rude of us. Narrator, would you like a cup of tea? 30 NARRATOR sits.) PRINCE HAIRGEL: (SOUND EFFECT: GLASS BREAKING. APPEARS 30 NARRATOR: (Embarrassed. Tries not to be drawn into the story.) LEFT, backing PRINCE SLACKER ON, poking him in the chest with No, thank you. (To AUDIENCE. Clears throat.) And so the Queen each word.) Get out of my room! (KING and QUEEN do not see them continued to praise the page named Paige. as this is in another part of the castle.) QUEEN: You have the kind of good judgment, work ethic, and keen 35 PRINCE SLACKER: It’s not my fault. You did it. I’m telling! listening skills needed to be a leader. I’m promoting you to Head 35 of the Royal Army. You are no longer a page named Paige. You are PRINCE HAIRGEL: Just stop touching my stuff! now a knight named Paige. PRINCE SLACKER: You are so obnoxious! (EXITS LEFT with PRINCE PAIGE: (To AUDIENCE.) She finally got my name right.(Smiles.) Thank HAIRGEL.) you, Your Majesty. (EXITS.) KING: It sounds like the children are at it again. NARRATOR: The king and queen were alone at last, and they smiled. 40 QUEEN: It sounds like we live in the Royal Zoo. 40 (KING and QUEEN smile at each other.) In the months and years to

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1 sketch of a mathematical formula to improve the accuracy of our 1 PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: (ENTERS LEFT with PRINCESS CINNAMON catapults. I just love thinking. Father, I must learn more. And that pulling her hair, again unseen by KING and QUEEN.) Ouch! That’s is why I’m going to attend the Royal University and study advanced my hair. mathematics and engineering. PRINCESS CINNAMON: You could have fooled me. It looks like a 5 QUEEN: That’s wonderful. (Hugs PRINCESS PEPPERMINT.) 5 bird’s nest. Ever heard of bathing? (Kicks PRINCESS PEPPERMINT PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: The only problem is that ever since I was a on the shin.) frog, I have had a terrible stomachache. PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: Hey, don’t kick me! (Grabs PRINCESS QUEEN: (Concerned.) Call the Royal Doctor. My brilliant daughter is CINNAMON’S nose.) sick. PRINCESS CINNAMON: Ahhh! Let go of my nose! (EXITS LEFT with 10 PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: (Holds stomach.) Oh, I really don’t feel so 10 PRINCESS PEPPERMINT.) good… (Lets out loud burp and GLITTERBELL comes out of her NARRATOR: (To AUDIENCE.) Out of desperation and the desire to mouth. SOUND EFFECT: GLITTERBELL as her SPOT APPEARS again. have a happy family, King Barnabas and Queen Mildred called in Kazoo sounds are done OFFSTAGE for her voice. Everyone tracks another Royal Therapist. (Peers over glasses. To AUDIENCE.) Yes, GLITTERBELL.) you heard me correctly, I said another Royal Therapist. 15 GLITTERBELL: (Kazoo sounds for her voice.) 15 QUEEN: (KING and QUEEN move DOWN CENTER.) I sure hope this Royal MOE: Glitterbell! Therapist can help. The children have simply been unbearable. POE: You’re safe! It’s so good to see you. What’s that? KING: Yes, dear. I hope this one is better than the last three. (Rubs GLITTERBELL: (Kazoo sounds for her voice.) his chin.) I’m still not sure what happened to the other Royal Therapists. They never came back after their first sessions. POE: I know you were eaten by a frog. 20 QUEEN: They probably ran to a place far, far away from our four little 20 GLITTERBELL: (Angry kazoo sounds for her voice.) monsters. (SERVANTS ENTER.) POE: Well, I would be upset too. SERVANT TWO: Your majesties, the new Royal Therapist is here. GLITTERBELL: (Very angry kazoo sounds for her voice.) KING: Oh, good, please send her in. POE: Glitterbell, that’s really not appropriate language for a fairy, and SERVANT ONE: I present to you the Royal Therapist. (SERVANT TWO especially not for this play. 25 blows horn, and ROYAL THERAPIST ENTERS.) 25 GLITTERBELL: (Kazoo sounds for her voice.) QUEEN: Thank you for coming. ROE: Glitterbell, come in here so you will be safe. (Holds the bag ROYAL THERAPIST: Your majesties. (Bows.) I am here to serve you. open and GLITTERBELL flies in. [NOTE: ROE turns on light in bag to What is the problem, and how may I help? indicate that GLITTERBELL is in it. Bag remains illuminated.]) QUEEN: It’s the children. They’re just… Well they… I mean… They’re PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: I feel much better now. I’m so sorry about 30 so… Ahhh. 30 Glitterbell, let’s take her outside so she can get some fresh air. KING: (Puts hand on QUEEN’S back to comfort her.) I’ll just send for MOE: Excellent idea. (MOE, POE, ROE, and PRINCESS PEPPERMINT them. Royal Servants, please fetch the children. EXIT.) SERVANT ONE: Yes, your majesty. KING: And what has become of my other son, Prince Hairgel? SERVANT TWO: I’ll get the Royal Cattle Prod if necessary. (SERVANTS PRINCE HAIRGEL: (ENTERS without wig.) One thing hasn’t changed, 35 EXIT. SOUND EFFECT: CRASH.) 35 I still have fabulous hair. But that spell did make me temporarily look hideous, so I was given a glimpse into how you all must ROYAL THERAPIST: (Concerned.) What was that? feel every day. With that in mind, I’ve decided to share my gift of KING: (As if it happens all the time.) It’s the children. unbelievable handsomeness and put a little of it in a jar. I would ROYAL THERAPIST: Oh, my. (SOUND EFFECT: CRASH. SERVANTS like to introduce “Prince Hairgel’s Hair Gel.” Just place a dab in ENTER. They look frazzled as each of the ROYAL CHILDREN ENTER 40 your hair and unleash your inner Prince Charming. (Gives a model- 40 annoyed, whining to them.)

48 5 RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT

1 PRINCESS CINNAMON: (ENTERS.) I’m hurrying! Just get off my case 1 PRINCE SLACKER: Sister, that is my news too. already. PRINCESS CINNAMON: You are also going to marry a plumber? PRINCE HAIRGEL: (ENTERS.) You don’t have to be so bossy. PRINCE SLACKER: No, Genie and I are going to get married. PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: (ENTERS.) Yah, what’s with the whole (Air PRINCESS CINNAMON: What wonderful news! We shall have a double 5 quotes.) Royal-Servant-I’m-so-cool attitude? 5 wedding! PRINCE SLACKER: (ENTERS.) I was totally going to take a Royal Nap, QUEEN: (To the KING.) Are you sure the spell wore off? and now you’re making us do stuff. KING: I think so. SERVANT ONE: I present to you, the Royal Children. (SERVANT TWO PRINCESS CINNAMON: Yes, Father. This is the real thing. Once I starts to blow horn, but PRINCESS CINNAMON stuffs her hand in the saw the kindness in Eddie’s heart, and he gave me a ride in his 10 horn, cutting it off. ROYAL CHILDREN stand together. They all have 10 Hyundai, I just had to make him mine. (Smiles at EDDIE.) Besides attitude and are disrespectful. PRINCE HAIRGEL looks at himself you’ve got to hear him talk about plumbing. It’s fascinating. in a hand mirror and perfects his hair. PRINCE SLACKER plays on PRINCE SLACKER: For me, Genie and I just connected. Genie is tired his smartphone. PRINCESS PEPPERMINT smacks gum and pokes of working for others and granting everyone else’s wishes. She PRINCE SLACKER in the ear to annoy him. SERVANTS EXIT.) just wants to hang out and be free. That’s exactly what I’ve been 15 QUEEN: Children, this is the new Royal Therapist. (ROYAL CHILDREN 15 looking for in a girl. (Smiles at GENIE.) give the ROYAL THERAPIST fake smiles. They roll their eyes as soon GENIE: (Smiles at PRINCE SLACKER.) You’re so sweet to understand as she starts to speak.) me. ROYAL THERAPIST: It’s a pleasure to meet you. I look forward to PRINCESS CINNAMON: Brother, Genie, and darling Eddie, let us our journey of self-discovery together. (Extends a hand to ROYAL start planning this grand wedding. (PRINCESS CINNAMON, EDDIE, 20 CHILDREN, but none reciprocates. Awkward pause.) 20 PRINCE SLACKER, and GENIE start to EXIT.) PRINCESS CINNAMON: Whatever. FAIRY TALE INSPECTOR: (Forceful.) Wait. (ALL stop.) You forgot about QUEEN: Please behave for this nice therapist. (Holds out her hand to me, the Fairy Tale Inspector, and all of these charges. (Holds up PRINCESS PEPPERMINT and glares at her until she takes out her “Charges” book. Softens up.) Oh, who am I kidding, I can’t get in the gum.) Now sit, children. (Points to sofa.) way of love. (Rips up charges.) And if you are interested, I do have 25 PRINCESS CINNAMON: (Bratty.) Yes, Mother. (Sits.) 25 a license to preside over weddings. PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: (Fingers crossed behind her back.) We will PRINCESS CINNAMON: Yes, our new friend, please join us. (PRINCESS behave. (Sits.) CINNAMON, EDDIE, PRINCE SLACKER, GENIE, and FAIRY TALE PRINCE HAIRGEL: (Condescending.) Just like we always do. (Sits.) INSPECTOR EXIT.) QUEEN: That’s what I’m afraid of. (Looks disapprovingly at PRINCE PAIGE: Your majesty, I do believe there are more unexpected changes 30 SLACKER on his smartphone. Finally snaps her fingers and gets his 30 afoot in this castle. Look. (Points.) attention.) QUEEN: What’s this? (PRINCESS PEPPERMINT ENTERS, writing on a PRINCE SLACKER: What? Oh. (QUEEN firmly points again. He sits.) notepad that has diagrams and mathematical formulas on it.) QUEEN: (To ROYAL THERAPIST.) They’re all yours. Good luck. KING: Princess Peppermint, what on earth are you doing? KING: Yes, my brave soul, good luck. PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: Oh, hi, Father. I’m sorry, I was lost in 35 ROYAL THERAPIST: (Speaks to KING and QUEEN as they EXIT.) Thank 35 thought. you, but I’m a trained professional, I don’t need… (Sees ROYAL KING: (Surprised.) You had a thought? CHILDREN fighting with pillows and climbing on the furniture.) … PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: Yes, being a frog gave me a lot of time good luck. (Worried she is losing control.) Your Majesties, please to think, and I realized that I like to think. And once I started control yourselves. You must stop. Please… (Whistles loudly. thinking I couldn’t stop. I have so many ideas about how to 40 ALL stop.) Everyone, please sit back down (ALL sit, but still have 40 improve the kingdom. (Holds up notepad.) Here’s a diagram of a solar powered drawbridge for the Royal Moat. And here’s a

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1 NARRATOR: (Everyone mimes arguing while NARRATOR speaks.) 1 attitude.) Now this is my first session with you— (MUSIC CUE 3: Everyone started to argue and fight. It was terrible scene. It was “Why Was I Born into This Family?”) pure Royal Chaos. That is, until a page named Paige noticed PRINCESS CINNAMON: (Speaks.) And probably your last. That’s something. (PRINCESS CINNAMON and EDDIE ENTER and act because I had the last three Royal Therapists fed to the Royal 5 as if they are in love. PRINCE SLACKER and GENIE ENTER on the 5 Dragon. And from the looks of you, I think the dragon will be getting opposite side and also act as if they are in love.) a meal pretty quickly. PAIGE: Wait a minute! Look. (Points to PRINCESS CINNAMON and ROYAL THERAPIST: (Sings.) I’m not so easily intimidated. EDDIE.) They look happy. (They see PRINCESS CINNAMON and I’m not someone you can scare. EDDIE giggle, in love.) I’ve come to see you rehabilitated, 10 EDDIE: …and then you finish attaching the pipes, you turn on the gas, 10 A need I see you all share. and voilà! That’s how you install a new, high-efficiency tankless PRINCE SLACKER: (Speaks. Aside.) Yeah, I’m totally going to tell Mom water heater. that you did that. PRINCESS CINNAMON: I just love it when you talk plumbing. Tell me PRINCESS CINNAMON: (Speaks.) If you do, I’ll tell Dad that you totally that shower fixture story again. took out the Royal Carriage without asking, crashed it, and blamed 15 PAIGE: And look over there. (Directs attention to PRINCE SLACKER and 15 it on the Duke of Beef Wellington. (PRINCE SLACKER and PRINCESS GENIE giggling and in love.) They look happy too. CINNAMON stand to fight. ROYAL THERAPIST interjects.) GENIE: I was so claustrophobic in that lamp. It was like the walls ROYAL THERAPIST: (Sings.) were closing in on me. I just couldn’t wait to get out, be free, and I see you acting with pent-up aggression. experience the world for myself. It’s very common these days. 20 PRINCE SLACKER: You totally complete me. 20 We’ll hear how you feel throughout the session, KING: (To QUEEN.) What is this? And find what’s caused your malaise.(Speaks.) Since we’ve QUEEN: (Shocked.) If I’m not mistaken, I think (Points towards PRINCE just met, I would like to get to know everyone and hopefully not SLACKER and GENIE.) they might be… in love. And I think they’re get fed to the Royal Dragon or any other Royal Beast. So let’s in love, too. (Pointing towards PRINCESS CINNAMON and EDDIE.) go around and calmly introduce ourselves and say why we are 25 KING: Princess Cinnamon, Prince Slacker, come here. (PRINCESS 25 unhappy. (PRINCE SLACKER lies down to sleep as the OTHER ROYAL CINNAMON, EDDIE, PRINCE SLACKER, and GENIE cross to the CHILDREN all stand to go first.) KING.) Please explain to us what is going on. PRINCESS CINNAMON: (Pushes her way to the front and sings.) PRINCESS CINNAMON: Mom, Dad, I have some big news. I’m the radiant Princess Cinnamon, PRINCE SLACKER: Well, I have some big news too. And none are worthy of me. 30 They come to woo, more “boo” than “coo.” 30 PRINCESS CINNAMON: You first. I’m bored with their poor flattery. PRINCE SLACKER: No, sister. You may go first. I need treasures, castles by the score. PRINCESS CINNAMON: No, brother. Please share your news. One offered three. I need at least a dozen more. (Takes out an PRINCE SLACKER: No, sister. It’s common courtesy that I let you go enormous diamond ring and places it on her finger. She struggles to first. 35 hold up her hand to show it.) 35 PRINCESS CINNAMON: My lovely brother, I yield the honor to you. Next one gave this trinket. QUEEN: (To AUDIENCE.) This is almost as annoying as when they were I think it just might work to stop the door… (Speaks.) Or… possibly fighting. (To ROYAL CHILDREN.) Princess Cinnamon, you start. a paperweight. (Puts ring away. Sits.) PRINCESS CINNAMON: Well if you insist. My news is that Eddie and ROYAL THERAPIST: (Speaks.) Thank you, Princess Cinnamon. (Looks I are going to get married! (Gleeful, to AUDIENCE.) I’m going to be 40 at PRINCESS PEPPERMINT.) Princess, would you like to go next and 40 a plumber’s wife! follow your sister?

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1 PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: (Sings.) 1 SERVANT TWO: (To the FAIRY TALE INSPECTOR, blocking her entrance.) I’m the best-est Princess Peppermint, Excuse me. You can’t just barge in and see the king. Besides, we More beautiful-er than her. like to do a horn thing when visitors arrive. She calls me “dumber, number two,” (Pronounces the “b” in dumber.) FAIRY TALE INSPECTOR: (Storms ON past SERVANTS.) I have the 5 But I’m more intelligent-er! (Imitates PRINCESS CINNAMON.) She 5 proper authority to investigate all fairy tales. bats her eyes, and then she struts her stuff. KING: Who are you? Flips her floppy hair! I swear that I have had enough. FAIRY TALE INSPECTOR: (Proud, authoritative voice.) I’m… (Motions It’s frustrating! Inflirt-er-ating! for SERVANT TWO, who plays horn.) …the fairy tale inspector. Her whole life’s full of flounce and fluff.(Speaks.) What kind of (Shows large notebook that reads “Charges.”) King Barnabas and 10 name is Princess Cinnamon anyways? 10 Queen Mildred, you face some very serious charges. There are PRINCESS CINNAMON: (Stands, speaks.) It’s better than Princess allegations of conducting a fairy tale without a permit, illegal Peppermint, you goofy, babbling candy cane. spells, attempting to turn a person into a toad… PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: (Speaks.) Well, why don’t you just sit your QUEEN: Well, actually it was a frog, and we think she’s back to normal Princess Cinnamon buns down and be quiet! now. 15 ROYAL THERAPIST: (Sings.) Now, now, let’s all be pleasant. 15 FAIRY TALE INSPECTOR: Ma’am, you still need a fairy tale permit No need to act like an uncouth peasant. for that kind of thing. There’s also a rumor that an unauthorized PRINCESS CINNAMON/PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: (Sing.) release of a genie has occurred. In addition, there are numerous Why, oh, why was I born into this family, violations that include fairy abuse, subjecting an audience to bad Tortured by my three siblings so clueless and lame? puns, and the blatant use of forced rhymes. And that’s just my 20 first page— 20 Their petty needs on and on ad nauseam to me. We have nothing in common but two parents and our name. MOE: None of this is answering the question of where Glitterbell is. ROYAL THERAPIST: (Keeps the peace. Speaks.) Let’s just give one (RELUCTANT FAIRY ENTERS and tries to sneak to the cookie tray.) of your brothers a turn. (PRINCESS PEPPERMINT sits. To PRINCE POE: I bet they have her lock up. HAIRGEL.) How about you, fine prince? ROE: We should look around and find her. 25 PRINCE HAIRGEL: (Speaks to ROYAL THERAPIST.) I don’t introduce 25 QUEEN: (Notices RELUCTANT FAIRY.) Look! That bug is back. myself. (Claps twice. SERVANTS ENTER.) RELUCTANT FAIRY: I’m not a bug. I’m a fairy, and I was hoping to get SERVANT ONE: (Speaks.) I present to you, Prince Hairgel. (Pronounces a few of those Royal Cookies. his name as “Prince Hair Gel.” SERVANT TWO plays horn.) POE: Aren’t you a little large for a fairy? PRINCE HAIRGEL: (Speaks.) The “i” is silent. Har-gle! (Pronounced RELUCTANT FAIRY: (Takes a bite of a cookie. With mouth full.) I’m just 30 with a soft “g” sound.) Please get it right. 30 a big boned fairy. SERVANT ONE: (Speaks.) Sorry, sir. (Over-pronounces.) I present to ROE: Maybe he ate Glitterbell. you, Prince Har-gle. (SERVANT TWO plays horn. SERVANTS EXIT.) QUEEN: No, my daughter the frog ate Glitterbell. PRINCE HAIRGEL: (Sings.) KING: (To RELUCTANT FAIRY.) Stop eating those cookies! (RELUCTANT I’m the dashing and spectacularly handsome prince, FAIRY defiantly grabs several cookies and runs.) 35 Unhappy from the jealousy I have to face. 35 SERVANT ONE: (Chases RELUCTANT FAIRY with SERVANT TWO.) Come And the jabs from all my siblings make me smart and wince. back here with those Royal Cookies! (RELUCTANT FAIRY and I can’t wait to get away from them and leave this place. SERVANTS ONE and TWO EXIT.) PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: (Stands and speaks.) Do we really have to, MOE: Where is Glitterbell?! like, listen to this? FAIRY TALE INSPECTOR: I need some answers, and I need them now! 40 PRINCE HAIRGEL: (Speaks.) Have I mentioned my hair? (Gives a model-style toss of his head then poses for the AUDIENCE with a smile.) Or my perfect teeth? 8 45 RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT

1 RELUCTANT FAIRY: (Speaks.) I do want to know what happens, but 1 PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: (Speaks.) Are you finished yet? I’m still not doing that foolish fairy dance. (Grabs a cookie from the PRINCE HAIRGEL: (Speaks.) You just don’t understand what it’s like to tray and EXITS, along with MAGIC MIRROR. MUSIC OUT.) be good looking. (Looks at his sister. Critical.) No, you really don’t End of Scene Two understand. 5 PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: (Speaks.) Why, you pom-ponous, air-gon-ate ACT TWO fool! (Steps closer to PRINCE HAIRGEL.) Scene Three – Magic in Reverse PRINCE HAIRGEL: (Speaks.) Exactly what language do you speak? KING and QUEEN become unfrozen from the pixie dust. PRINCESS CINNAMON: (Speaks to ROYAL THERAPIST.) The dragon is 5 QUEEN: (Wakes up.) What happened? getting hungry. KING: Darling, you drank some of the sleeping potion, but I managed 10 ROYAL THERAPIST: (Sings.) Come, come, let’s stop this fighting. to undo all the spells. It’s time to heal and start reuniting. (Speaks.) Let’s all just take a QUEEN: I feel great. I think I just needed some sleep. Wow, I haven’t deep breath and let your other brother speak. (PRINCE HAIRGEL felt this good since before the children were born. (Puts her hand and PRINCESS PEPPERMINT sit. ALL look at PRINCE SLACKER, who 10 to her head as if she remembers something bad.) Oh, I forgot is asleep and snoring.) about the children. (Sarcastic.) I bet they’re back to their original, charming selves, correct? 15 PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: (Speaks.) Prince Slacker, wake up! (Pulls pillow from under his head.) KING: I’m afraid so. Our attempt at a fairy tale with a happy ending was a complete failure. I’m sure the little monsters are somewhere in PRINCE SLACKER: (Wakes up. Drowsily speaks.) What? (Stands.) Wait, 15 the castle right now fighting or painting graffiti on the Royal Walls what time is it? Is it lunchtime yet? I’ll just have a Royal Large or torturing the Royal Dragon. Pizza with everything on it. (Looks around.) Oh, it’s my turn. Uh, 20 being a prince is… uh… let’s see… QUEEN: (Consoles.) Oh, Barnabas, we shouldn’t be too hard on ourselves. It was worth a try. And I had such an entertaining dream (Sings.) Being a prince is too much like working. that Princess Peppermint was a frog. My best skills are sleeping and shirking. I’m always late, then I procrastinate. 20 KING: Well, about that— I never know the time, and I never know the date. SERVANT ONE: (ENTERS with SERVANT TWO.) Your Highness, there are three very angry Enchanted Depot employees who say their 25 Keeping up with that responsibility repair fairy named Glitterbell never returned. Is nothing but a lesson in futility. You can keep the crown, and you can keep the rule. SERVANT TWO: Yes, and they are demanding to speak with you. I’d rather sip banana drinks by the pool. (Takes back the pillow, gets 25 KING: Oops, I think Princess Peppermint ate her. Send them in. comfortable, and goes back to sleep.) SERVANT ONE: I present to you the angry Enchanted Depot employees. 30 PRINCESS CINNAMON: (Stands, speaks.) Why are you so lazy? It’s so (SERVANT TWO plays horn. SERVANTS EXIT.) embarrassing. MOE: (ENTERS with POE and ROE. ROE carries a small bag.) We want PRINCE HAIRGEL: (Stands, speaks.) Well, at least he’s not mean, like Glitterbell back! you. 30 POE: This is an outrage! PRINCESS CINNAMON: (Speaks.) Who are you calling mean?! (Makes ROE: We demand action immediately! 35 a fist to punch him.) QUEEN: I’m sure we can get to the bottom of this. Where is Paola, or PRINCE HAIRGEL: (Speaks.) Watch the hair. And the nose. And Padme, or Pillar, or whatever her name is? (Rings bell and PAIGE especially the teeth. (Vain smile.) ENTERS.) Have you seen Princess Peppermint? PRINCESS CINNAMON: (Speaks.) Why, I ought to… Ah. (Frustrated, 35 PAIGE: I’m sorry, Your Highness, I have not. she crosses toward the sofa, but PRINCESS PEPPERMINT sticks out SERVANT ONE: (ENTERS. To the KING and QUEEN.) You have another 40 her foot and trips her.) visitor.

44 9 RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT

1 PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: (Stands, speaks.) Oops, it looks like you 1 KING: (Sings.) Sing “Rumpelstiltskin” like an opera singer. (Does so.) tripped and fell on your Princess Cinnamon buns. Rumpelstiltskin. PRINCESS CINNAMON: (Speaks.) You already used that joke. Then, slap leather like a gunslinger. (PRINCESSES face off.) Hit the floor and do the Worm. 5 PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: (Speaks.) Well, it’s funny. 5 Then, change to the Gator, swim and squirm. PRINCESS CINNAMON: (Growls.) Grrr! (Speaks.) No, it’s not. (PRINCE Do your best Bruce Lee with some fancy kickin’. SLACKER wakes up from the commotion and stands.) Dance the Macarena and the Funky Chicken. (Speaks to MAGIC MIRROR in rhythm.) One more time! Do it with me now! ROYAL CHILDREN: (Sing.) Why, oh, why was I born into this family, KING/MAGIC MIRROR: (Sing.) Powers of goodness come to me 10 10 Tortured by my three siblings so clueless and lame? And set my/his family free. (KING and MAGIC MIRROR free dance, Their petty needs on and on ad nauseam to me. incorporating various moves suggested by the lyrics.) Those three all share the blame Throw your money in the wishing wells! For my anger, pain, and shame. Let out the joyous cheers and yells. We have nothing in common but two parents and a name. (MUSIC Blow the trumpets and ring the bells 15 15 OUT.) For the spell to end all spells. (MUSIC OUT.) ROYAL THERAPIST: (Moves between PRINCESSES.) Let’s just take a NARRATOR: As the king finished the last words there were lightning time out and try to explore what we are all feeling right now. bolts, grand plumes of smoke, and many other amazing effects that this production can’t afford. But then, all of a sudden, all PRINCESS CINNAMON: (PRINCESSES walk away from each other. the spells were undone. Princess Peppermint was no longer a PRINCESS PEPPERMINT sticks out her tongue and makes a face 20 frog, Prince Hairgel’s hair went back to normal, the love spell was 20 at PRINCESS CINNAMON.) You asked for it! (Lunges at PRINCESS broken, and the Queen woke up. PEPPERMINT, who grabs PRINCE SLACKER to use as a shield. ROYAL CHILDREN fight and eventually end up behind the sofa and mostly RELUCTANT FAIRY: (ENTERS throwing pixie dust. SOUND EFFECT: out of AUDIENCE’S view.) PIXIE DUST. ALL FREEZE.) Wait, wait, wait. I need to stop the story right here. ROYAL THERAPIST: (Pleads.) Please stop. Please! (Crosses behind 25 FAIRY ONE: (ENTERS with FAIRY TWO.) What are you doing? 25 sofa and is pulled OUT OF SIGHT into the fighting.) Ahhh. (ROYAL CHILDREN hold up comic book style signs reading “Wham!” “Pow!” FAIRY TWO: There is no need for fairy intervention. and “Bang!” SOUND EFFECTS: WHAM, POW, BANG to accompany RELUCTANT FAIRY: I stopped the story because we’re right back signs.) where we started. The nice king and queen are still stuck with NARRATOR: (To AUDIENCE.) Sadly, this continued for hours. There obnoxious, bratty children just like they have been all along. 30 was arguing. (PRINCESS CINNAMON and PRINCE HAIRGEL stand. 30 Nothing has been accomplished! They grasp opposite ends of a hairbrush and pull it back-and-forth FAIRY ONE: Oh, my young fairy friend. You are missing the point. as they argue.) RELUCTANT FAIRY: What point? PRINCESS CINNAMON: That’s my hairbrush! FAIRY TWO: The spells may be broken, but the experiences they had PRINCE HAIRGEL: No, it’s mine! will change them. 35 PRINCESS CINNAMON: I had it first! 35 FAIRY ONE: And sometimes experience is more powerful than magic. PRINCE HAIRGEL: Well, I have it now! (Pulls the hairbrush free and FAIRY TWO: Watch, my friend, as we let the story continue. We will makes a face at PRINCESS CINNAMON.) do our enchanted fairy dance and gaze upon the conclusion of PRINCESS CINNAMON: Grr! (Lunges at PRINCE HAIRGEL. Both fall our story. (Throws pixie dust on KING and QUEEN. MUSIC CUE 10a: behind the sofa.) “Fairies Dance.” FAIRIES ONE and TWO dance OFF.) 40 NARRATOR: There was whining.

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1 GENIE: (Runs ON chased by PRINCE SLACKER. Speaks as she passes 1 PRINCE SLACKER: (Stands and whines.) Why, why, why am I in this CENTER.) Stop chasing me! I just want to be left alone to be free! family? Why? Why?! (PRINCESS CINNAMON stands and pulls (EXITS.) PRINCE SLACKER down behind the sofa.) PRINCE SLACKER: (Stops CENTER and responds to MAGIC MIRROR’S NARRATOR: And there was fighting.(PRINCESS PEPPERMINT and 5 comments. Speaks to AUDIENCE.) Magic Mirror, did you just say 5 PRINCESS CINNAMON stand and box.) you were looking for the greatest warrior to go on an epic journey? PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: I’m prettier! MAGIC MIRROR: Yes, I did. Are you willing to go on this journey? PRINCESS CINNAMON: No, I’m prettier! PRINCE SLACKER: (Interrupts.) Don’t look at me. I’m a lover, not PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: I am! a fighter. (To GENIE, OFFSTAGE.) Oh, beautiful genie, come back. PRINCESS CINNAMON: I am! (PRINCESS CINNAMON and PRINCESS 10 (EXITS.) 10 PEPPERMINT drop behind the sofa.) KING: (To MAGIC MIRROR.) That does sound extremely difficult. Is NARRATOR: Eventually the king and queen came to check on the there another way? Royal Therapist. (ROYAL CHILDREN EXIT RIGHT as KING and QUEEN MAGIC MIRROR: (Speaks.) Let me think…Oh, yes, you could also ENTER LEFT.) read the instructions that came with the potions. (MUSIC CUE 10: QUEEN: Excuse me, Royal Therapist. We’ve come to check on your 15 “The Spell to End All Spells.”) 15 progress. (Hears struggling behind the sofa and looks. Shocked.) KING: (Speaks.) The instructions? (Picks up the instructions and flips Oh, my! Barnabas, come quickly! through them.) Ah, “Section 27-A: How to undo all spells.” Let’s KING: (Joins QUEEN.) What have the children done? (KING and QUEEN see. Okay, it reads, “Say the following line: help ROYAL THERAPIST to her feet. She is tied up with a large rope, (Sings.) Powers of goodness come to me and a handkerchief covers her mouth. KING and QUEEN help ROYAL 20 And set my family free.” (Following further instruction from the 20 THERAPIST hop to the front of the sofa and fall onto it. Mortified, book, he claps and spins. Nothing happens. Speaks.) Magic Mirror, KING and QUEEN quickly untie her. MUSIC CUE 4: “Pushed This why is it not working? Shrink Right to the Brink.”) MAGIC MIRROR: (Speaks.) Oh, wise king, turn the page, the spell ROYAL THERAPIST: (Stands, very disturbed and shaking, speaks.) Your continues. children, they’re evil. No, they’re worse than evil. They’re, they’re… 25 KING: (Turns the page, speaks.) Oh, this is rather involved. 25 beyond description… MAGIC MIRROR: (Speaks.) Just follow the instructions. (Sings.) My mind is muddled. My nerves are shot. KING: (Speaks.) Here, hold this. (MAGIC MIRROR takes the book and My brain befuddled. It’s got diddly-squat! holds it open so the KING can read it as he acts out the moves of My thoughts in tatters. My hair’s a mess the spell.) So I need to… I’m overwhelmed with waves of helplessness. 30 (Sings.) Snap twice and do a pirouette. 30 I can barely breathe. I can hardly think. Then, do it down cool like I’m a Jet. Your four unruly, truly crazy, mean, and lazy royal brats Hop three times on my biggest foot. Have pushed this shrink right to the brink! Freeze like a robot, stay put. QUEEN: (Speaks.) You must be exaggerating. They can’t possibly be Flap my gills in a fish impression. that bad. 35 Do four steps in a ballet progression. 35 KING: (Speaks.) Now, Mildred, you know they’re a handful. Throw your money in the wishing wells. ROYAL THERAPIST: (Sings.) I know psychosis and mania. Let out the joyous cheers and yells. I’ve treated those in Transylvania. Blow the trumpets and ring the bells. The worst neuroses, delirium, For the spell to end all spells. (Speaks.) Oh, for the love of Excalibur, Inside the Beggar’s Sanitarium. 40 are you telling me there’s more? 40 But your brood’s worse as they primp and prink! MAGIC MIRROR: (Speaks.) I’m afraid so, Your Highness. Your four unruly, truly crazy, mean, and lazy royal brats Have pushed this shrink right to the brink!

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1 QUEEN: (Speaks.) We know they have issues, but really…! 1 KING: Glitterbell, thank you for coming. Do you think you can help? KING: (Speaks.) We’re at our wits’ end. We’ve given them everything! GLITTERBELL: (Kazoo sounds for her voice.) ROYAL THERAPIST: (Sings.) How could they end up this way KING: You do? Great. With parents so thoughtful and kind? GLITTERBELL: (Kazoo sounds for her voice.) 5 It’s like some tragic farce at play, 5 PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: (ENTERS hopping. Tracks GLITTERBELL with While their frantic antics drove me out of my mind! head movements. Looks at AUDIENCE, licks her lips, and smiles.) They insult as they humiliate, Ribbit. (Leaps, opens mouth, and eats GLITTERBELL. GLITTERBELL Berate, and bully while they bark and bait! SPOT OUT. Muffled kazoo sounds from GLITTERBELL.) Yummm. I’m quaking still from their aftermath, Ribbit. 10 While they’re prancing freely down their psychopath. 10 KING: Princess Peppermint, you ate the repair fairy! (Hits PRINCESS Not a shred of conscience, their manners stink! PEPPERMINT on the head with a rolled up parchment and chases Just show me the moat, and I’ll jump in the drink! her.) Bad froggy. Bad froggy. Or bad… princess… froggy. (PRINCESS I’ll end all this madness before you can blink! PEPPERMINT EXITS.) Now what are we going to do? Your four unruly, truly crazy, mean, and lazy royal brats 15 Have pushed this shrink right to the brink! (MUSIC OUT. Realizing PRINCE HAIRGEL: (ENTERS with extremely long hair that is past his what she’s said.) Oh, please don’t feed me to the Royal Dragon! 15 waist.) Yes, what are we going to do about this? (Holds up long, No. I’d rather be fed to the dragon than have to be in the same blonde locks.) I don’t think this is acceptable for a prince. I look room with your children again. Ah! (Runs OFF, screaming.) like a Wookie! QUEEN: Dragon? QUEEN: (Wakes up.) I kind of like it. (Smiles, falls back asleep, and 20 KING: What was she talking about? snores. PRINCE HAIRGEL EXITS.) QUEEN/KING: Princess Cinnamon. 20 NARRATOR: The king was devastated. The plan was a disaster. He flipped through the fairy tale book wishing things had gone better. KING: (Rubs chin.) So that’s what happened to the other therapists. Then he had an idea. QUEEN: What are we going to do? KING: I think I’ll order takeout tonight. I could really go for some fried KING: I don’t know, my dear. I don’t know. (They EXIT.) rice and egg rolls. End of Scene Two 25 NARRATOR: (Annoyed.) Then he had a more interesting idea that was ACT ONE actually relevant to the story. Scene Three – The Suitors Arrive KING: (Has an idea.) I could consult the Royal Magic Mirror. 25 Inside the Royal Castle. A hairbrush and hand mirror are on the table NARRATOR: The king called for the Royal Magic Mirror to be brought along with the handbell. MUSIC CUE 4a: “Haphazardly Ever After- to him immediately. (SERVANTS bring IN MAGIC MIRROR.) Reprise.” 30 SERVANT TWO: The Royal Magic Mirror, Your Majesty. (SERVANTS NARRATOR: (Sings.) The king and queen were foiled EXIT.) As the months so quickly passed. KING: Mirror, mirror who’s not wearing a dress, what should I do to fix 30 They worked hard to keep their lives harmonious, this mess? But their spoiled brood stayed acrimonious. MAGIC MIRROR: That’s the best rhyme you could come up with? So they planned to get them married off and fast. (MUSIC OUT. 35 (KING shrugs.) Well, to answer your question, there’s a glowing KING, QUEEN, and ROYAL CHILDREN ENTER. PRINCE HAIRGEL has flower that grows on the top of a far away mountain. It blooms a bouquet of flowers. PRINCE SLACKER carries his smartphone. The once a year and possesses a magical nectar that has the power to 35 ROYAL CHILDREN sit.) undo spells. However, the flower is guarded by three, fire-breathing QUEEN: Your father and I have arranged for several worthy suitors dragons. You will need to send your greatest warrior on an epic to come meet you. Each one of them has been hand-picked and 40 journey to retrieve it. would make a wonderful spouse.

12 41 RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT

1 KING: The princess is now a frog! 1 KING: (To the QUEEN.) I hope this works. PRINCE HAIRGEL: (To KING.) You were going to turn me into a frog?! QUEEN: My darling, we shall see. (Rings bell for SERVANTS. They How was that going to help me? Frogs don’t even have hair. ENTER.) KING: Well, speaking of hair, you just drank your sister’s potion. It’s SERVANT ONE: Princess Cinnamon, (PRINCESS CINNAMON stands.) I 5 the Rapunzel Special. I’m sorry to say, but you might want to look 5 present to you the Duke of Cranberry. (SERVANT TWO plays horn. in the mirror in about 30 seconds. SERVANTS EXIT.) PRINCE HAIRGEL: I must find a mirror.(Runs OFF. PRINCESS DUKE OF CRANBERRY: (ENTERS, followed by CRANBERRY’S ASSISTANT, PEPPERMINT hops OFF, frog-like.) who carries large, heavy bags.) Pleased to meet you, my lady. KING: This is a complete disaster. (Puts his hands on his head.) PRINCESS CINNAMON: Yeah, whatever. What are you worth? 10 QUEEN: (Wakes up.) And my final point is that we should… (Falls 10 DUKE OF CRANBERRY: My lovely princess, I assure you I am an asleep again and snores.) extremely wealthy man. You see these bags my good assistant KING: I’m going to call the Enchanted Depot Customer Service number. carries? They are full of gold and jewels that I have brought as a NARRATOR: The King grabbed Prince Slacker’s Royal Smartphone, gift for you. (CRANBERRY’S ASSISTANT shows PRINCESS CINNAMON which he had conveniently left on the couch. (SOUND EFFECT: some of the gold and jewels.) 15 PHONE RINGING.) 15 PRINCESS CINNAMON: Not enough. Don’t insult me. Leave at once. PHONE OPERATOR: (ENTERS DOWN RIGHT, faces AUDIENCE. Wears an (DUKE OF CRANBERRY EXITS.) operator’s headset.) Greetings and welcome to Enchanted Depot CRANBERRY’S ASSISTANT: (Struggles with bags.) Are you sure you Customer Service line. Your call is important to us, so please don’t want this gold? listen to the following options. If you speak Old English, press 1. PRINCESS CINNAMON: Take it! 20 For a problem with a defective flying broom, press 2. If a dragon 20 CRANBERRY’S ASSISTANT: Do you have any idea how many stairs you purchased refuses to eat peasants, press 3. For all questions there are in this castle? It’s just that my back— regarding crystal balls and magic wands, press 4. If you are a king PRINCESS CINNAMON: Get out! (CRANBERRY’S ASSISTANT EXITS, whose attempt at a fairy tale has gone terribly wrong, press 5. struggling with bags.) KING: Wow, that was strangely specific. I’ll press 5. QUEEN: Okay, Princess Cinnamon, but surely one of these suitors 25 NARRATOR: So the king explained his problem to the customer service 25 will meet your needs. (Takes PRINCESS CINNAMON DOWNSTAGE representative. (KING very quickly and briefly mimes describing and gestures towards AUDIENCE.) There’s the Prince of Salisbury some of the fairy tale disasters.) Steak. He has a diamond mine. PHONE OPERATOR: That does sound like a problem. So let me get PRINCESS CINNAMON: Not rich enough. this straight, one daughter is now a frog, another one is in love with QUEEN: How about Baron von Split Pea? He is the heir to two kingdoms 30 a plumber from Hoboken, your wife drank a sleeping potion, one 30 in the north. son is chasing a crazy genie, and the other son drank a Rapunzel PRINCESS CINNAMON: Also not rich enough. And I do think I can Special? smell his breath from here. KING: That about sums it up. Please help! QUEEN: Look at that one. He is the Earl of Red Snapper. PHONE OPERATOR: I’ll send out one of our top repair fairies. Her PRINCESS CINNAMON: Definitely not rich enough and rather strange 35 name is Glitterbell. She travels fast. (PHONE OPERATOR EXITS.) 35 looking. Is that hair on his head or did a wild beast climb up there NARRATOR: They waited and soon the fairy arrived. and take a nap? Mother, none of these men are worthy of me. SERVANT TWO: (ENTERS with SERVANT ONE.) I present to you the (EXITS.) fairy Glitterbell. (SERVANTS EXIT. SOUND EFFECT: GLITTERBELL QUEEN: This is hopeless. (Rings bell for SERVANTS.) as a SMALL BEAM OF LIGHT APPEARS and moves about the stage. SERVANT ONE: (ENTERS with SERVANT TWO.) Prince Hairgel, (PRINCE 40 [See PRODUCTION NOTES.] Kazoo sounds are done OFFSTAGE for 40 HAIRGEL comes forward.) I present to you the lovely Princess her voice. Everyone looks on in amazement, tracking GLITTERBELL as she moves about the stage.)

40 13 RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT

1 Ambrosia. (SERVANT TWO plays horn as PRINCESS AMBROSIA 1 QUEEN: (Drinks.) This is good, but it’s not water. (Looks at bottle.) Oh, ENTERS. SERVANTS EXIT.) no! It’s sleeping potion. At least I didn’t finish the whole bottle. PRINCE HAIRGEL: Welcome, Princess. I must say that I do look (Stumbles back to sofa, falls asleep, and snores loudly.) stunning today, don’t you agree? PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: Yeah, she only drank, like, two halves of it. 5 PRINCESS AMBROSIA: (Somewhat confused.) Well, yes, I guess you 5 KING: (Gets the genie lamp.) I know, I’ll rub the magic lamp, a genie do. will appear and help us fix everything. (Rubs lamp three times.) Oh, PRINCE HAIRGEL: I’m not sure you noticed my outfit. It is hand- powerful genie, please appear. (SOUND EFFECT: MAGIC. GENIE tailored out of the finest material. Of course, I do have to have pops up from behind the table.) Genie, help us. I wish that we all all of my clothes custom made to fit my incredibly large muscles. lived happily-ever-after. 10 (Flexes muscles and smiles.) 10 GENIE: (To KING.) Ah! (Kicks KING in shin and runs CENTER. Faces PRINCESS AMBROSIA: I notice that you have flowers. (Smiles.) AUDIENCE.) Ah! No, no, no. No more wishes. No more castles, or PRINCE HAIRGEL: Oh, I almost forgot. I brought these flowers for riches, or making people fall in love. Ah! Why are people always myself. Don’t they really bring out the color of my eyes? asking me for things? Nobody ever asks me what I want. You know what I want? Do you? I want people to stop asking me for what PRINCESS AMBROSIA: (Frustrated.) I suppose they do. 15 they want. Ah! Being a genie is such a thankless job. I quit! (Runs 15 PRINCE HAIRGEL: Could you hand me that brush and mirror over OFF.) there? (Points to table. PRINCESS AMBROSIA fetches the brush and PRINCE SLACKER: (To AUDIENCE.) A woman that doesn’t want to mirror. PRINCE HAIRGEL takes them, looks in the mirror, brushes his do anything, is tired of helping people, and just wants to be left hair, and completely ignores PRINCESS AMBROSIA. To PRINCESS alone? I think I’m in love. (Yells OFFSTAGE.) Oh, beautiful genie! AMBROSIA.) Excuse me, I need you to move over there. You’re 20 (EXITS, leaving smartphone on sofa.) 20 blocking my light. QUEEN: (Wakes up.) Why is Prince Slacker chasing a genie? PRINCESS AMBROSIA: I have never been so insulted in all my life. (Storms OFF. PRINCE HAIRGEL continues to admire himself as he KING: Dear, you’re awake! Well, you see… (QUEEN falls asleep again EXITS.) and snores. To PRINCESS PEPPERMINT and PRINCE HAIRGEL.) We can still make this work. We can still have happily ever after. Now, QUEEN: Next. (Rings bell for SERVANTS.) 25 Princess Peppermint and Prince Hairgel, please drink your potions. 25 SERVANT ONE: (ENTERS with SERVANT TWO.) Prince Slacker, (PRINCE (Carefully hands them their potions.) Princess Peppermint you get SLACKER remains on the sofa, playing on his smartphone. SERVANT the yellow one, and Prince Hairgel, you get the green one. I need ONE is thrown off a little.) I present to you the lovely— to check your mother’s notes. (Looks at fairy tale book and notes.) PRINCE SLACKER: (Still playing game.) Don’t even bother. I’m almost PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: Yours is green. I like green better. I bet it to the final level of Angry Peasants on my Royal Smartphone. 30 tastes like mint candy. (Reaches for PRINCE HAIRGEL’S potion.) 30 (Wanders OFF, totally engrossed in game. SERVANTS start to EXIT.) PRINCE HAIRGEL: Well, you can’t have it. (Guards his potion.) QUEEN: (Rings bell for SERVANTS.) One more try. PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: Look over there. Is that giant troll, like, SERVANT ONE: Princess Peppermint, (PRINCESS PEPPERMINT comes totally eating your Royal Hair Dryer? (PRINCE HAIRGEL looks, and forward.) I present to you the noble Prince Chowder. (SERVANT she switches their potions.) TWO plays horn.) 35 PRINCE HAIRGEL: Whatever. You’re so immature. This one looks 35 PRINCE CHOWDER: (ENTERS.) Greetings, beautiful princess. (Bows.) I better anyway. I like the way it glows all golden. do believe that destiny has brought us together, for I’m looking for KING: Okay, time to drink up and be happily ever after. (They drink.) a princess that will help me run my kingdom and be my true equal. Wait a minute. You mixed up the potions! PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: Equal to what? PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: I feel strange. (Staggers and falls behind PRINCE CHOWDER: Well, my equal. I mean equality. You and me. My 40 sofa. After a beat, she re-emerges as a frog, crouching down, 40 lovely buttercup. One plus one equals love. croaking, hopping, and sticking out tongue. [See PRODUCTION NOTES.])

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1 QUEEN: (Sees PRINCESS CINNAMON with red potion.) Princess 1 PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: I didn’t know there was going to be any Cinnamon, please don’t touch that! math on this date. If I had known there was math quiz stuff then PRINCESS CINNAMON: Why not! I’ll do whatever I want! (Drinks red I would have, like, studied or something. (To PRINCE CHOWDER’S potion.) Hey, this tastes pretty good. (Woozy, she looks at the bottle, face.) So why don’t you just go back to your genius kingdom with 5 then sets it down. She does not make eye contact with anyone as 5 your fancy words and math-a-ma-tatics. Just go be Prince Smarty- she slowly moves DOWNSTAGE.) pants by yourself. KING: That’s the wrong potion. (Picks up red potion.) You drank the PRINCE CHOWDER: But I was just— love potion. PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: No, get out! (PRINCE CHOWDER EXITS.) QUEEN: That means Princess Cinnamon will fall madly in love with the Serves him right, thinking he’s all better than me and stuff. (EXITS, 10 first person she sees. Quick, cover her eyes.(KING and QUEEN try 10 frustrated.) to cover her eyes as she stumbles around. Everyone ducks to avoid KING: That didn’t go very well. her gaze. PRINCESS CINNAMON stares lovingly into the AUDIENCE.) QUEEN: Darling, we can’t give up. (MUSIC CUE 5: “Their Suitors Never KING: Too late. Suit Me.” KING and QUEEN EXIT. PRINCE CHOWDER, PRINCESS PRINCESS CINNAMON: (Points into the AUDIENCE.) You, come here. AMBROSIA, and DUKE OF CRANBERRY ENTER. NOTE: OPTIONAL 15 (Smiles and flirts.) 15 CHORUS of ADDITIONAL SUITORS may also ENTER, if desired.) EDDIE: (Stand up in the AUDIENCE.) Me? PRINCE CHOWDER: (Sings, commiserating with the other suitors.) PRINCESS CINNAMON: Yes, you. I have never been so slighted in all my life! I’m a catch! I’m a prize! I’m a find! EDDIE: Okay. (Walks up ONSTAGE.) DUKE OF CRANBERRY: (Sings.) PRINCESS CINNAMON: What’s your name? 20 Short sighted, she’d be lucky to be my wife! 20 EDDIE: Eddie. That selfish girl is out of her mind! PRINCESS CINNAMON: The gallant and handsome Prince Eddie. PRINCESS AMBROSIA: (Sings.) EDDIE: No, my name’s just Eddie. And I’m not a prince. Actually, I’m He’s a narcissist who can’t see past his own nose! a plumber. I’m a sight. I’m a star. I’m a jewel! PRINCESS CINNAMON: And what brings you to this kingdom, Eddie 25 I’d spurn him like a leper if he did propose! 25 the plumber? SUITORS: (Sing.) Anyone who would shun me is a fool! (LIGHTS DOWN EDDIE: I just came to see this play. It’s got a catchy title. So I thought on SUITORS in a soft freeze. LIGHTS up on PRINCESS PEPPERMINT. it might be good. If possible, ALL FOUR ROYAL CHILDREN are lit individually, as if each PRINCESS CINNAMON: Did you travel here on your noble white steed? is in his or her own world.) EDDIE: No, I drove in an old blue Hyundai. I actually live in an apartment 30 PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: (Sings.) My parents never hear me. 30 in Hoboken, New Jersey. My opinion’s always zip. PRINCESS CINNAMON: (To QUEEN.) Mom, I love him. Come Eddie, we They’re tryin’ to disappear me are going to get married. To some smarty-pants drip. EDDIE: (Concerned.) Married?! PRINCE HAIRGEL: (Sings.) My parents did bequeath me PRINCESS CINNAMON: Yes, married! (Takes EDDIE’S hand and pulls 35 My beauty. It’s a curse. 35 him OFF.) And marrying beneath me QUEEN: Oh, my. What have we done? I need a glass of water. Would make matters worse. PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: (Hands QUEEN the blue potion.) Here, PRINCESS PEPPERMINT/PRINCE HAIRGEL: (Sing.) Mother. Their suitors never suit me. 40 They’re tacky, or they’re strange. I’d rather have them shoot me Than marry a spouse they arrange.

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1 PRINCESS CINNAMON: (Sings.) My father is so stupid. 1 KING: (Surprised.) The genie’s going to make a princess fall in love Mother hasn’t got a clue. with Prince Slacker? (QUEEN nods.) That must be some powerful I tell them they’re not Cupid magic. ’Til my face has turned blue. QUEEN: Yes, it is, and just to be safe, I bought a love potion. (Picks up 5 PRINCE SLACKER: (Sings.) My parents go for frumpy, 5 red potion.) After just one sip, it will cause anyone to fall madly in Cut out of their same cloth. love with the first person he or she sees. So your wonderful wife I go for kinda grumpy has thought of everything. And a little bit Goth. KING: This does seem like a brilliant plan, but don’t you think it’s ROYAL CHILDREN: (Sing.) Their suitors never suit me. unnecessarily complicated? 10 They’re ugly or they’re rude. 10 QUEEN: That’s how fairy tales work. Besides, what could possibly go Their conversations mute me. wrong? (She and KING FREEZE.) They’re dull or too old, or they smell, or they’re crude. NARRATOR: That was the plan. That was how it was supposed to I want to marry for love and attraction. happen. But we all know that things rarely happen the way we plan I want to marry for passion and romance. them. This is true for you, for me, and especially for Queen Mildred 15 and King Barnabas. Let me tell you now what actually happened. 15 I want that feeling of total satisfaction, Not a dental extraction. (KING and QUEEN UNFREEZE.) Why won’t my parents please give me the chance? QUEEN: Okay, so now it’s time to start our fairy tale. SUITORS: (Sing.) How dare those people jilt me? I’m mortified! KING: I’m so excited to live happily ever after. I’ve got land. I’ve got wealth. I’ve got power. QUEEN: Now, how do fairy tales begin? (Thinks.) Oh, yes, I remember— 20 Their arrogance will never be satisfied. 20 with that famous grand line, “I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll blow your I hope their pompous lives all turn sour! (The following two stanzas house down.” No, that’s not it. (Thinks.) I know, this is how fairy are sung as a duet.) tales start. “There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home.” No, not even close. (Thinks.) Okay, I got it now! “A long ROYAL CHILDREN: (Sing.) Their suitors never suit me. time ago in a galaxy, far, far away.” (Thinks.) No, that doesn’t sound They’re mousy or they’re brash. 25 quite right either. (Looks in fairy tale book.) Oh, yes. “Once upon 25 I’d prefer they execute me a time.” That’s it! Once upon a time there were two princesses. Than live out my days with a permanent rash. (PRINCESS CINNAMON and PRINCESS PEPPERMINT ENTER.) And I want to marry for love and attraction. two princes. (PRINCE HAIRGEL and PRINCE SLACKER ENTER.) I want to marry for passion and romance. Welcome, children, please sit down. (They sit.) I want that feeling of total satisfaction. 30 PRINCE HAIRGEL: What do you want now? 30 No allergic reaction KING: We have some exciting news! Or a dental extraction. PRINCE SLACKER: (As always, plops on sofa and plays on his Why won’t my parents please give me the chance? smartphone.) How long is this going to take? SUITORS: (Sing.) He/She didn’t suit me. QUEEN: We are going to make our own fairy tale. He’s/She’s much too brash! 35 PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: Like, do I look like I want to be Little Red 35 I’d prefer they execute me Than live out my days with a permanent rash! Riding Hood or something? I think not. KING: You must follow our instructions very carefully. (He and QUEEN How dare those people jilt me? I’m mortified! look at notes.) Let’s see… I’ve got land. I’ve got wealth. I’ve got power. Their arrogance will never be satisfied. PRINCESS CINNAMON: (Stands and walk towards potions.) This is the 40 stupidest idea yet. I mean, who wants to be in a fairy tale? (Picks 40 I hope their pompous lives all turn sour! up red potion.) They never gave me a chance!

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1 NARRATOR: The king and queen placed all of their do-it-yourself fairy 1 ALL: (Sing.) I just want a chance! (MUSIC OUT.) tale supplies out on the table. (KING and QUEEN spread out on the End of Scene Three table the bottles [NOTE: If your theatre space is small enough for the audience to see the bottles clearly, label the blue bottle Sweet ACT ONE 5 Dreams, the red bottle Love Potion #9, the green bottle Kermit Scene Four – Educating the Children Cocktail, and the golden bottle Rapunzel Special.], the genie lamp, Inside the Royal Castle. MUSIC CUE 5a: “Haphazardly Ever After- and a sheaf of paper [the instructions from Enchanted Depot] on Reprise.” the table.) The Queen consulted the fairy tale book a few more NARRATOR: (Sings.) We find the king and queen perplexed. times and double-checked her plan. 5 A pair of Cupids they were not, 10 QUEEN: It looks like everything is perfect. I know this will work. But seeing their children never leave the nest KING: Dear, tell me one more time how it will happen. Was a sight that was frightening at the very best. QUEEN: The magic on this table will help us create our dream fairy So their next plan was to pray they might be taught. (MUSIC OUT. tale. First, Princess Cinnamon will drink this blue Sweet Dreams To AUDIENCE. Peers over glasses.) This rarely works. potion. (Picks up blue potion.) It will make her fall asleep for a long, 10 SERVANT ONE: (ENTERS with SERVANT TWO.) I present to you the 15 long time. That is, until out of the blue, her true love will come to Royal Teachers. (SERVANT TWO blows horn as ROYAL TEACHERS the castle and wake her with a kiss. After that, she will move out, ONE and TWO ENTER and stand CENTER.) and we will live happily ever after. TEACHER ONE: We are here to teach, to train, to discipline, to educate. KING: I love it. TEACHER TWO: We will turn these children into proper princesses QUEEN: This one’s a little trickier. But it seemed to work very well in the 15 and princes. 20 fairy tale book. (Picks up golden potion.) Now, Princess Peppermint TEACHER ONE: Because at the core, it’s all about the kids. will drink this golden Rapunzel Special potion, and within a short TEACHER TWO: Yes, no excuses, every child, whatever it takes. time, her hair will grow very, very, very long. We are to then lock her (TEACHER ONE moves RIGHT. TEACHER TWO moves LEFT. PRINCESS in a 200-foot tall tower with no way out. PEPPERMINT ENTERS and stands RIGHT, next to TEACHER ONE.) KING: That sounds good to me. 20 TEACHER ONE: A proper princess will often be called upon to sing 25 QUEEN: No, there’s more. Eventually, according to this book, a prince the “Ballad of Our Kingdom.” It is our kingdom’s most important will come along, scale the tower using her hair, and rescue Princess and precious song. So let us practice it. I will sing it first, and you Peppermint. They will then get married, and once again, we will live can follow. happily ever after. PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: No, I am, like, a really, really awesome KING: You are amazing! 25 singer. So I’ll just totally do it on my own. 30 QUEEN: Now for the Prince Hairgel. (Picks up green potion.) The green TEACHER ONE: As you wish your highness. Please proceed when you Kermit Cocktail potion is for him. It will turn him into a frog. We will are ready. then place him in the pond out back. And the book says a princess PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: (After diva-like warm up exercises she will find him, kiss him, and turn him back into a prince. They will begins to sing a-capella, loud and awful. TEACHER ONE is mortified.) leave together, and, you guessed it, we will live happily ever after. 30 Our kingdom is so porcupine, 35 KING: This just keeps getting better and better. What is the plan for Here the sun shall always whine. Prince Slacker? With stone castles wrong and high, QUEEN: Prince Slacker has the easiest one. Our flags they touch the pie. KING: That’s appropriate. Our kingdom is obscure QUEEN: (Holds up lamp.) He simply needs to rub this magic lamp 35 One can hear the angels sing their— 40 three times. A genie will then appear and grant three wishes. We’ll TEACHER ONE: Stop, stop, stop! You’re singing, or no, you’re screeching make sure one of the wishes is a princess to fall in love with all the words incorrectly. Our kingdom is so divine. Our kingdom is Prince Slacker. not a porcupine. Here the sun shall always shine, not whine. Our

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1 castles are not wrong, they are strong. And our flags do not touch 1 Sometimes dramatical, a pie. They touch the sky. And finally, our kingdom will endure. It’s Sometimes ecstatical, not obscure! This lesson is over! (PRINCESS PEPPERMINT EXITS. Aristocratical PRINCE HAIRGEL and PRINCE SLACKER ENTER and stand next to Or operatical. 5 TEACHER TWO. All three have shields.) 5 KING: (Speaks.) Do you really think this can work? TEACHER TWO: All princes must know how to defend the kingdom. QUEEN: (Speaks.) Absolutely! And look what I’ve taught the Royal Today’s lesson will be on the proper use of a shield. Now a shield Servants to do. (Claps twice and the SERVANTS dance ON to can be a valuable weapon. It can… (Notices PRINCE HAIRGEL CENTER and act out the lyrics in dance and pantomime as the looking at himself in the shield.) Would you stop looking at the QUEEN sings.) We’ll sing and dance, 10 reflection of yourself in the shield? 10 Create romance, PRINCE HAIRGEL: Why, are you jealous? Bring the hills alive with music. TEACHER TWO: (Shakes head. Frustrated.) Let’s continue. Now the We’ll flirt and play first technique… (Notices that PRINCE SLACKER spins his shield Like Chevalier, and does not pay attention.) Please, I beg you, pay attention. And we’ll do Camelot. 15 PRINCE SLACKER: (Not listening and doesn’t care.) What’d you say? 15 We’ll give it all we’ve got. TEACHER TWO: As I was explaining, the first technique is to hold the I’ll be your Guinevere. shield like this. Watch carefully while I demonstrate. (Demonstrates You’ll be my Lancelot. shield maneuvers. Unseen by TEACHER TWO, the PRINCES wave IN My king, my king, my king, STAGE CREW ONE and TWO and hand them the shields. PRINCES We will write a happy ending. 20 EXIT. Eventually TEACHER TWO stops the demonstration and 20 The wedding bells will ring notices.) Hey, where are the princes? Who are you? For our four progeny. STAGE CREW ONE: We’re members of the stage crew. We will do a clever mix and match. STAGE CREW TWO: I’m Samantha, and this is Barbara. We’ll endeavor for the perfect catch. STAGE CREW ONE: I’m in charge of costumes. We’ll make a recipe. 25 STAGE CREW TWO: And I do the lights. 25 Find a he for a she and a she for a he, TEACHER TWO: Enough! Remove yourselves before I have you thrown And then finally… it will be… in the Royal Dungeon! (STAGE CREW ONE and TWO run OFF with Just you and me. (MUSIC OUT.) the shields.) NARRATOR: Suddenly, the page named Paige returned to the Royal TEACHER ONE: (PRINCESS CINNAMON ENTERS and crosses to Castle. The king and queen were elated to see her. (PAIGE ENTERS 30 TEACHER ONE. SERVANT ONE ENTERS holding a tray with a fancy 30 on hobbyhorse with bag of Enchanted Depot supplies. SOUND teapot and two teacups.) It is important for all princesses to know EFFECT: HORSE CLIP-CLOPS.) proper etiquette. Now, let’s work on how to sip tea. (Pours cup of QUEEN: Patsy, you have returned! tea and sips it.) Princess Cinnamon, it is your turn. (Attempts to PAIGE: (Out of breath.) Yes, my queen. Here are your supplies. I rode hand PRINCESS CINNAMON a teacup.) nonstop for three days and three nights. (Gives QUEEN supplies.) 35 PRINCESS CINNAMON: (Passes up the teacup and grabs the teapot. 35 QUEEN: Pam, I can’t thank you enough. The entire Royal Family deeply Drinks the entire pot while making loud drinking noises. Lets out a appreciates all that you’ve done. But at this moment all I can say loud belch.) It could use more sugar. (EXITS, followed by SERVANT is that… you stink. (Waves her hand by her nose.) Three days and ONE.) three nights on horseback and now you smell a little ripe. I think NARRATOR: Just like the Royal Therapist and the suitors before them, it’s time you take a Royal Shower. 40 the Royal Teachers fled the castle and were never to be seen 40 PAIGE: Yes, Your Highness. I promise to use lots of Royal Soap. (SOUND again. (MUSIC CUE 6: “Unteachable.”) EFFECT: HORSE CLIP-CLOPS as PAIGE EXITS with hobbyhorse.)

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ACT TWO 1 TEACHER TWO: (Meets TEACHER ONE CENTER, speaks.) Why, I’ve Scene Two – A Fairy Tale Plan never in my life… they’re… they’re monsters! 1 LIGHTS UP DOWNSTAGE. TEACHER ONE: (Sings.) Unteachable, unreachable, NARRATOR: Loaded with the supplies from the Enchanted Depot, They’re simply dreadful creatures. the page named Paige bravely rode back. (Still carrying the bag 5 TEACHER TWO: (Sings.) They’re terrible, unbearable, or box of supplies, PAIGE ENTERS, riding a hobbyhorse. SOUND The bane of all we teachers. 5 EFFECT: HORSE CLIP-CLOPS.) She rode over the river and through Contestable, detestable, the woods and towards the Royal Castle. (LIGHTS UP FULL. QUEEN Their minds severely lacking. sits working on her fairy tale plan. GENIE is hidden from audience TEACHER ONE: (Sings.) Obstreperous, cantankerous, behind or under the table. The tray of cookies remains on the table.) 10 Delusional, and slacking. NARRATOR: (ENTERS and sits.) Meanwhile, back at the Royal Castle, TEACHERS: (Sing.) Our backs against the wall, 10 the Queen was working on her fairy tale plan when the King Our toes upon the ledge, returned from golfing. To jump or fall, their caterwaul KING: (ENTERS with a damaged golf club and a golf ball stuck on his Has pushed us to the edge! crown.) I hate golf. 15 TEACHER TWO: (Sings.) Just horrible! QUEEN: Barnabas, I have an amazing idea! TEACHER ONE: (Sings.) Deplorable! 15 NARRATOR: The queen told the king all about her plan and how she TEACHERS: (Sing.) Our patience is in tatters. ordered supplies from Enchanted Depot to create a do it yourself fairy tale. The king thought her plan was brilliant. (MUSIC CUE 9: TEACHER TWO: (Sings.) It matters not. “The Fairy Tale Book.”) TEACHER ONE: (Sings.) Those misbegot! KING: (Speaks.) I think that’s brilliant! 20 Mad hatters all the lot. 20 QUEEN: (Speaks.) Thank you, Barnabas, but I do have one question TEACHERS: (Sing.) One final thought, for you. One short bon mot… KING: (Speaks.) What is it? Those spoiled royals can’t be taught! (MUSIC OUT.) QUEEN: (Sings.) My king, my king, my king! End of Scene Four Oh, my charming, strong, and handsome, ACT ONE 25 My sweet and loving king. Scene Five – A Fairy Intervention Beyond comparison! Inside the Royal Castle. Fly swatters and bug spray are hidden under I did miss you, oh, so much today. 25 the sofa. A tray of cookies, purple parchment, and a pencil are on the For golfing took you so far away. table. MUSIC CUE 6a: “Haphazardly Ever After-Reprise.” Before my song is done, NARRATOR: (Sings.) The king and queen have struck out twice. 30 I must know if you scored a hole-in-one. Now they don’t know where else to turn. KING: (Speaks.) Please don’t bring up my golf game! I was abysmal! Peace and quiet are a distant dream. QUEEN: (Speaks.) Oh, my poor darling. 30 They’ve become sucked dry of all their self-esteem. (Sings.) I read this glorious book, Soon they’ll reach their limit. No more playing nice. (MUSIC OUT. How a fairy tale’s created. KING and QUEEN ENTER and sit on thrones. SERVANTS ENTER with 35 It’s true. Just take a look. the puzzle, bonsai tree, and clippers. KING and QUEEN attempt to Instructions old and young. work on them. PRINCE HAIRGEL ENTERS.) Fairy tales can be done as a musical. 35 KING: I can’t seem to finish this jigsaw puzzle. Think King and I or that Seussical, Where every word is sung, PRINCE HAIRGEL: That’s because you bought the puzzle for seven year-olds. 40 And they slip so sweetly off the tongue. 34 19

1 PRINCE SLACKER: (ENTERS, eating from a bag of Royal Chips and 1 PAIGE: (Speaks.) Excuse me, I’m not a princess, and I don’t need to carrying a TV remote.) Mother, there’s nothin’ good to eat in the be rescued, but I do need my order filled. Royal Refrigerator. POE: (Speaks.) Oh, sorry! We didn’t see you come in. QUEEN: We just had it filled yesterday. MOE/POE/ROE: (Sing.) You’ve come to Enchanted Depot, 5 PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: (ENTERS with PRINCESS CINNAMON, who 5 Where shopping is never in vain. carries a dress.) Princess Cinnamon, give me that back! I’m telling. Online or by phone, Mother! (PRINCESS CINNAMON runs around the stage. PRINCESS Try our new campaign, PEPPERMINT chases her. PRINCESSES run OFF.) Sent in by enchanted airplane. QUEEN: (To KING.) I, too, am struggling with this bonsai tree. There are PAIGE: (Speaks.) I’m here to pick up an order for Queen Mildred. She 10 just too many distractions in this castle. (SERVANTS EXIT.) 10 sent it in via enchanted airplane. PRINCE SLACKER: (Clicks remote.) There’s nothin’ on the Royal POE: (Speaks.) Yes, we have it right here. (Lifts up a bag or wooden Twenty-Foot Flat Screen TV. I’m bored! crate and checks the contents against the purple list. Sings.) That’s PRINCE HAIRGEL: You’re a loser. one sleeping potion, PRINCE SLACKER: Brother-dude, that’s way uncool. One Prince-to-Frog spell, 15 QUEEN: Everyone, please just try to get along. 15 Rapunzel hair lotion, Some fresh immortelle, PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: (ENTERS with torn dress.) Mother! Look what Cinnamon did to my best dress! One Love Potion Nine And a pentacle stamp, PRINCESS CINNAMON: (ENTERS with potted plant broken and stuck A Gypsy Rose vine, on her head and a teddy bear ripped in half.) Father! Look what 20 And one magic lamp. (Looks around. Speaks.) Oh, dear, we seem to 20 Peppermint did with the Royal Flowers and to poor Royal Teddy! (FAIRIES ENTER unseen by ROYAL FAMILY. FAIRY TWO has the fairy be missing the magic lamp. I’ll be right back with it. (Sets bag down tale book. FAIRIES ONE and TWO prance “fairy-like” while RELUCTANT and EXITS. MOE and ROE busy themselves straightening products, FAIRY simply walks ON. As they approach CENTER, FAIRIES ONE etc.) and TWO sprinkle pixie dust, and ROYAL FAMILY FREEZES. SOUND PAIGE: (Speaks to herself.) Oh, the lamp is right here. (Grabs defective 25 EFFECT: PIXIE DUST.) 25 lamp and puts it in bag, unnoticed by MOE and ROE. Leaves coins FAIRY ONE: The mystical and mysterious fairies have returned to our on counter. Yells to POE.) Thank you, I appreciate your help. (EXITS story. with supplies.) FAIRY TWO: We are here with magic pixie dust to freeze the action POE: (Returns with new lamp, speaks.) Ma’am, I have your lamp. and bring a new twist to this tale. (Looks around.) Where’d she go? 30 30 RELUCTANT FAIRY: (To AUDIENCE.) I still don’t know how I got stuck ROE: (Speaks.) I think she left, and it looks like she took the broken with this fairy part. (FAIRIES move around frozen ROYAL FAMILY. lamp. FAIRY ONE removes potted plant from PRINCESS CINNAMON’S MOE: (Speaks.) That should make for an interesting fairy tale. head.) ALL: (Sing.) Here at Enchanted Depot, FAIRY ONE: (Looks at frozen KING and QUEEN.) The king and queen There’s everything magic for you. 35 are so sad. 35 The latest in tricks, to build or to fix, FAIRY TWO: They need our help. We will leave this book of fairy tales Buy the young ones a Merlin tattoo. as a guide. (Places fairy tale book near QUEEN.) With daily promotions for charms, spells, and potions, RELUCTANT FAIRY: (Picks up fairy tale book.) How is this book going A do-it-yourself witches’ brew. to help? Where fairy tales always come true. (MUSIC OUT. BLACKOUT.) 40 FAIRY ONE: (Makes exaggerated magical fairy movements.) Watch in End of Scene One wonder, and see how a book can change one’s destiny. (MUSIC CUE 6b: “Fairies Dance.”) 20 33 RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT

1 that audience looks familiar… (Hands MOE the bag. MOE fills 1 FAIRY TWO: (Speaks.) Hurry, my fanciful friends, our magical time it as RELUCTANT FAIRY pays.) Thanks. You’re a lifesaver. (Gives is coming to an end. (Throws pixie dust. FAIRIES ONE and TWO AUDIENCE a thumbs-up and smile.) dance LEFT to hide behind NARRATOR. MUSIC OUT. FAIRIES are still ALL: (Sing.) Here at Enchanted Depot, visible to the AUDIENCE. RELUCTANT FAIRY shrugs his shoulders 5 There’s everything magic for you, 5 and continues to read the fairy tale book as he crosses to FAIRIES The latest in tricks, to build or to fix, ONE and TWO, who do not notice RELUCTANT FAIRY still holds the Where fairy tales always come true. (SORCERER ENTERS with book.) genie lamp.) NARRATOR: (ROYAL FAMILY UNFREEZES.) The king and queen continued to ponder what to do about their difficult children. They POE: (Speaks.) It’s good to see you again so soon, Master Sorcerer. 10 hoped for a miracle. 10 SORCERER: (Sings.) This lamp is defective. I’ve brought it back. KING: We must do something to fix this family. The genie is worthless as well. The tight quarters make her a maniac QUEEN: Yes, we need some kind of miracle. I think she’s in need of a powerful spell. FAIRY ONE: The plot will change once the queen finds the book MOE: (Speaks.) That happens every once in a while. (Looks in lamp.) FAIRY TWO: I am so excited, it’s almost hard to look. 15 Ouch! She poked my eye. Enchanted Depot will gladly give you a 15 RELUCTANT FAIRY: (Flips through the fairy tale book.) I still don’t new lamp. (Sets lamp on counter.) know how this fairy tale book is going to help the king and queen. SORCERER: (Hands him a receipt, speaks.) Here’s my receipt. I’ll just (FAIRIES ONE and TWO notice the book.) take one of those flying carpets instead. It’s perfect for my Arabian FAIRY ONE: The book. It’s supposed to be in the play! fairy tale and makes commuting in traffic a breeze.(MOE gives him FAIRY TWO: This foolish blunder will ruin everything. 20 a carpet. FAIRY GODMOTHER ENTERS.) 20 RELUCTANT FAIRY: (To AUDIENCE.) Oops. MOE/POE/ROE: (Sing.) You’ve come to Enchanted Depot, FAIRY ONE: (With great despair.) What are we going to do? And you’re looking quite the sight. FAIRY TWO: (Cries.) Why did this have to happen? All hope is lost. Your pumpkin is here, All gilded and bright, RELUCTANT FAIRY: Don’t worry. I can totally fix this. Just give me some of the magic potato dust, I’ll freeze everyone and put the 25 Enchanted for someone’s delight. (As much as possible, MOE, POE, 25 book back. Problem solved. and ROE pass a pumpkin around Harlem Globetrotter-style and then present it to the FAIRY GODMOTHER.) FAIRY ONE: It’s pixie dust, and we are out. (Shows empty bag.) MOE: (Speaks.) Is this what you ordered? FAIRY TWO: This story is a tragedy, without a doubt. FAIRY GODMOTHER: (Speaks.) Excellent craftsmanship as always. I RELUCTANT FAIRY: Okay. Let me think. I’ve got it. I’ll sneak into the castle and place the fairy tale book by the queen and be back 30 have to make another carriage for a certain princess so she’ll end up with her loving prince. (In a sing-song voice.) This little trick of 30 before you know it. mine has made me a fortune. FAIRY ONE: Oh, brave fairy. You would do that? MOE: (Sings.) FAIRY TWO: It would be wonderful, but you mustn’t be seen. For it is It seems like everyone’s making princess fairy tales these days. very dangerous for a fairy to enter a story. Especially without pixie dust. 35 POE: (Sings.) Where the poor, helpless princess Is saved by her prince, strong and brave. 35 RELUCTANT FAIRY: No problem. Just let me write a few things down ROE: (Sings.) I much prefer it when she wields the sword, first. (Pulls paper from pocket and writes.) Finished. Okay, I’ll do it. (FAIRIES ONE and TWO cheer.) But the Narrator has to sing this And the dragon, she slays. introduction for me. I wrote it myself. (Smiles proudly.) When I write the story, the prince is the one she must save. (Picks FAIRY ONE: Certainly. 40 up a broom and holds it like a sword. She charges POE, and they play fight with brooms. PAIGE ENTERS.)

32 21 RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT

1 FAIRY TWO: Whatever needs to be done. (RELUCTANT FAIRY hands 1 You’ve come to Enchanted Depot NARRATOR the paper. MUSIC CUE 6c: “Haphazardly Ever After- With magic down every aisle. Reprise.” RELUCTANT FAIRY crosses to castle, proud and brave.) Your wish, our command, NARRATOR: (Sings.) All manned with a smile, 5 Suddenly, a magical but very manly fairy entered the scene. 5 The fantasy mercantile. He was a cross between a linebacker and a U.S. Marine. MOE: (Speaks.) How can we be of assistance, kind sir? Strong and masculine, but stealthy and light on his feet. MYSTERIOUS OLD MAN: (Sings.) He wouldn’t rest until his top secret mission was complete, I need me a small bag of magic beans To remain undetected For a mischievous boy named Jack. 10 As he snuck the book right next to the queen. (RELUCTANT FAIRY 10 The best that you carry, no in betweens, goes around the back of sofa and tries to place book by QUEEN.) To grow a stalk to the clouds and back. (POE hands bag of beans to PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: (Sees RELUCTANT FAIRY, speaks.) What is MYSTERIOUS OLD MAN. He pays with several gold coins. that? MOE: (Speaks.) I personally guarantee it. Just make sure you watch PRINCE HAIRGEL: (Speaks.) It’s a giant, disgusting bug! out for mean, nasty giants if you choose to climb the beanstalk 15 PRINCESS CINNAMON: (Speaks.) Kill it! (RELUCTANT FAIRY runs in 15 after planting. front of the sofa. PRINCESSES and PRINCES chase him with fly MYSTERIOUS OLD MAN: (Speaks.) Oh, I will. (Gives AUDIENCE a swatters and bug spray which were under the sofa.) devious smile and continues to browse. WITCH ENTERS.) RELUCTANT FAIRY: (Screams.) Ahh! (Drops book near QUEEN and MOE/POE/ROE: (Sing.) You’ve come to Enchanted Depot. runs to FAIRIES ONE and TWO, speaks.) They thought I was a bug! We cater to every need. 20 (Cries on FAIRY ONE’S shoulder.) It was terrible. Don’t make me go 20 Just keep your receipt. back out there. (FAIRIES ONE and TWO comfort him.) There’s no need to plead. QUEEN: (Notices fairy tale book, speaks.) What’s this? (Flips through All wishes are guaranteed. the pages.) This book is fascinating! (Shows KING the book.) ROE: (Speaks.) And how may I help you, madam? KING: (Speaks.) It is indeed. (They look at the book with curiosity and WITCH: (Sings.) I’ve come for an apple, the poisonous kind. 25 excitement.) 25 It’s a gift. Do you box and wrap? FAIRY ONE: (Sees QUEEN and KING reading, speaks.) It was a success! I’ll give to a princess I have in mind. FAIRY TWO: (Speaks.) Let us hide and watch what wonders will unfold. She’s going to sleep for an infinite nap. (Cackles.) (FAIRIES EXIT.) ROE: (Speaks.) They come in red and green. NARRATOR: (Sings.) The king and queen were mesmerized. WITCH: (Speaks.) Which ones are on sale? 30 They devoured page after page. 30 ROE: (Speaks.) The red ones. Every story was filled with hope and bravery, WITCH: (Speaks.) I’ll take one red apple. Oh, and I have this coupon. As good conquered wicked wrongs and knavery. (Takes out a huge bundle of coupons and leafs through them.) They could see how their destiny could be realized. (MUSIC OUT.) ROE: (Speaks.) Certainly. (To the AUDIENCE.) Who is this, the Cheap QUEEN: We should be like one of these fairy tale families. Witch of the West? 35 KING: Yes, dear, that’s exactly what I was thinking. 35 WITCH: (Speaks.) Here you go. (Hands coupon and a few coins.) PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: (Stands and looks over QUEEN’S shoulder at ROE: (Speaks.) Thank you. (RELUCTANT FAIRY ENTERS.) the book.) Who is she? RELUCTANT FAIRY: (Sings.) QUEEN: This is Snow White. Please refill my pixie dust. Do it quick. PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: I’m way prettier than this Snow White. And I’ve a fairy tale in quite a state. 40 why is she hanging out with all those short, bearded guys? That’s 40 The end of our wits, praying this does the trick. just wrong. (Sits back down.) Now, I have to dash home before I’m too late. (Speaks.) Hey,

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ACT TWO 1 NARRATOR: The king and queen loved the stories. They depicted the Scene One – Inside Enchanted Depot life they dreamed of, the life they were now determined to have. 1 LIGHTS UP: Inside Enchanted Depot. MOE is busily working at the PRINCE SLACKER: (Looks over the KING’S shoulder at the book.) Who checkout counter. Various potions, spells, and magical fairy tale is that dude? related items fill the store. There are containers, bags, and boxes, 5 KING: (Gestures toward the book.) This “dude” is a brave prince rescuing oversized tub of spells, extra-large bag of magic beans, dragon food, a princess. He has traveled a great distance on horseback, fought 5 a basket of red and green apples, a large bag of pixie dust, magic a ferocious beast and scaled a great wall to free his true love. carpets, pumpkin, and various bags. (Hopeful.) Maybe you could do something like this? NARRATOR: (ENTERS and sits.) At Enchanted Depot, the employees— PRINCE SLACKER: (Stares at KING as if he’s actually considering it.) Moe, Poe, and Roe—were working hard to meet the needs of their 10 Nah, sounds like a lot of work. Hey, do we have any Royal Cookies do-it-yourself fairy tale customers. left? 10 POE: (ENTERS carrying three brooms.) The shipment of witches’ KING: (Glares at PRINCE SLACKER.) Go away! brooms just came in. PRINCE SLACKER: Okay, but it’s not like it’s a crime for a prince to MOE: Great. Just place them over there next to the crystal balls and want a little snack. (Gets cookies, sits on sofa, and plays on his the laughing roses. 15 smartphone.) POE: (Sets down two of the brooms, but struggles with the third as if it’s NARRATOR: As the king and queen poured over page after page, they 15 trying to fly away.) Sometimes these brooms have minds of their noticed a common theme in the stories. own. Whoa… (Gets control of it. Puts it down and points at it.) Stay! KING: In these stories there is unhappiness, but then some kind of Good broom. magic or spell is used to help bring about happiness. MOE: Stop playing around over there. Did you order the procrastination 20 QUEEN: Yes, it’s magic that makes it all better. spell yet? KING/QUEEN: The Royal Magic Mirror! 20 POE: No, but I promise I’ll do it tomorrow. QUEEN: We must consult the Royal Magic Mirror. (Rings bell. Calls MOE: That reminds me, have the enchanted airplane orders come in? OFFSTAGE.) Servants, bring in the Royal Magic Mirror. POE: Yes, Roe’s up on the roof catching them now. SERVANT ONE: (ENTERS with SERVANT ONE and MAGIC MIRROR. Has ROE: (ENTERS with a large fishing net with a handle. She is covered in 25 a spray bottle and cloth.) I present to you the Royal Magic Mirror. paper airplanes. Several are stuck in her hair. “Catches” the last one.) (SERVANT TWO plays horn.) 25 Come here, you little enchanted airplane. Gotcha! Whew. This is SERVANT TWO: Let us just wash the glass a bit. (MAGIC MIRROR hard work. I don’t know who thought of this idea. I guess it’s better faces AUDIENCE while SERVANTS ONE and TWO clean his face with than our last promotion. Enchanted cannonballs. (MUSIC CUE 8: the spray bottle and cloth. SERVANTS EXIT.) “The Enchanted Depot.” NOTE: OPTIONAL CHORUS of ADDITIONAL SHOPPERS may ENTER during song, if desired.) 30 QUEEN: Mirror, Mirror, that never fails, tell me are you familiar with fairy tales? (Holds up book.) 30 MOE: (Speaks.) Well, your break’s over, let’s start putting the orders together. MAGIC MIRROR: Why, yes I am. I do believe my cousin even plays a role in one of them. However, her negative attitude reflects poorly POE: (Speaks.) What took you so long? on our family. (SOUND EFFECT: RIM SHOT.) Ha. Get it? We’re ROE: (Speaks.) Heavy winds, a few flying dragons, and about eight 35 mirrors, and I said she reflects poorly on our family. I’ve only been dozen enchanted airplane orders. (MYSTERIOUS OLD MAN on the stage a few minutes, and I’m already knocking them out 35 ENTERS.) the park. MOE/POE/ROE: (Sing.) You’ve come to Enchanted Depot. KING: Magic Mirror, please be serious. We open our doors to you. MAGIC MIRROR: (Makes serious faces. In a serious voice.) In today’s We don’t carry paint, 40 serious business news, the Dow Jones Industrial Average We don’t carry glue, increased by one point three seven percent, helping to recover 40 And nary a nail or screw.

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1 previous loses in the private sector. And in other serious news, 1 PAIGE: Yes, my queen. One minor detail, my name is Paige. Remember, there was— I’m the page named Paige. KING: Would you stop that! QUEEN: I apologize, Patricia. Now, this journey is extremely important QUEEN: Magic Mirror, are you capable of the magic that’s in these to the Royal Family. 5 fairy tales? 5 PAIGE: I understand, but I’m Paige, Your Majesty. MAGIC MIRROR: No, I am not. I mainly specialize in card tricks and QUEEN: I knew I could trust you, Penny. Now be off, and may the luck attempts at predicting the weather. For that kind of magic you of the kingdom be with you. need the Fairy Godmother. PAIGE: Excuse me, ma’am, don’t I need the list? QUEEN: Yes. How do I get in touch with this Fairy Godmother? QUEEN: No, Peggy, I will be sending this list via enchanted paper 10 MAGIC MIRROR: Sky above. Ground below. I must tell you, I don’t 10 airplane. (Shows paper airplane.) That way, the order will be know. prepared and waiting for you when you arrive. Now be off and ride KING: What exactly are you good for? like the wind. The Royal Servants have fetched you our fastest PRINCE HAIRGEL: Wow, look at that great mirror. (Combs his hair.) horse. (SERVANTS bring ON hobbyhorse and satchel for PAIGE.) KING: Get out of here. (PRINCE HAIRGEL sits back down.) Mirror, can PAIGE: (To SERVANTS.) Thank you. (To QUEEN.) I’ll do my best. (SOUND 15 EFFECT: HORSE CLIP-CLOPS as PAIGE rides OFF. SERVANTS EXIT.) 15 you give us any advice on how to find this Fairy Godmother? MAGIC MIRROR: Gaze upon the Royal Sofa and you shall find, the QUEEN: (CENTER, faces AUDIENCE.) It’s time to send the list. (MUSIC one with knowledge to fill your mind. CUE 7a: “Haphazardly Ever After-Reprise.”) QUEEN: (Turns and sees ROYAL CHILDREN on the sofa. PRINCE NARRATOR: (Speaks.) The queen held the enchanted airplane up high SLACKER plays on his smartphone.) Are you serious? The Royal and carefully aimed. (Walks to QUEEN.) When she felt the time was 20 just right, she released the airplane. (Takes airplane and pretends 20 Children? Knowledge? You are a worse Magic Mirror than I thought. to make it fly. Sings.) MAGIC MIRROR: Psst. No, use Prince Slacker’s Royal Smartphone to help bring the Fairy Godmother to your home. As the airplane left her hand, It carried all their hopes and dreams. QUEEN: Oh. Very clever, Mirror, very clever. (To PRINCE SLACKER.) Give With happily ever after as its goal. me that. I can’t believe you are always wasting your time with this 25 It sailed over woods and mountains, 25 foolish game. What exactly is it anyway? Past the Pole, to Enchanted Depot, PRINCE SLACKER: (Shows QUEEN how to play.) It’s called Angry Where it finally came to land. (Rest of ENSEMBLE ENTERS and ALL Peasants. See you pull back the little slingshot and launch the gather, forming a line DOWNSTAGE.) Angry Peasants at those towers filled with mean goats. ALL: (Sing.) Haphazardly ever after. QUEEN: (Scolds.) That’s ridiculous. (Tries it.) But also, oh so addictive. 30 We’re puzzled, confused, perplexed. 30 Look! I hit the tower. A king and a queen caught up in between KING: You did it, my dear. (High five.) The mood of their brood QUEEN: Now, if I can just knock that second tower down, and then I’ll And bad attitude, get the last of those pesky little goats… Wait a minute, a queen should not be playing such a lowbrow game. (To AUDIENCE.) At The frenzy and fits, 35 The end of our wits! 35 least not until I’m backstage. (To PRINCE SLACKER.) Now, help me use this thing to contact the Fairy Godmother. Prepare yourself for all that happens… NARRATOR: So Prince Slacker helped his parents contact the Fairy NARRATOR: (Sings.) …next. Godmother, and before they could say “bippity-boppity-boo,” she ALL: (Sing.) Haphazardly ever after! (MUSIC OUT. BLACKOUT.) had arrived. (MUSIC CUE 7: “Does Somebody Need a Little Magic?”) End of ACT ONE 40 SERVANT ONE: (ENTERS with SERVANT TWO, fighting over the horn. Speaks.) It’s my turn.

24 29 RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT

1 FAIRY GODMOTHER: (Shocked.) You’re trying to make the audience 1 SERVANT TWO: (Speaks.) No, it’s my job. (SERVANT ONE ends up stay? (KING and QUEEN nod.) I do magic, not miracles. Give me a with the horn. Sighs in resignation.) I present to you Ms. Fairy call if you change your mind. Too-da-loo. (EXITS.) Godmother. (SERVANT ONE plays the horn like a professional and NARRATOR: The king and queen’s hopes were shattered. Happiness for a much longer time. ALL are shocked.) 5 had been within their grasps, but now it was as far away as 5 FAIRY GODMOTHER: (ENTERS, carrying a handbag. Sings.) yesterday’s sunset. So the king did what all depressed kings do. Does somebody need a little magic? KING: I can’t take it anymore. I’m going golfing. (EXITS.) Does somebody need a wish, a potion, or a spell? NARRATOR: The queen did what all depressed queens do, she No need to look further. grabbed a bag of Royal Chips, sat on the Royal Sofa, and watched There isn’t any other. 10 the Royal Twenty-Foot Flat Screen TV. It was during the third bag 10 I am your one and only Fairy Godmother. of Royal Chips that an advertisement came on that renewed her Does somebody need a little magic? hope. (QUEEN sits and eats with the TV remote control in her hand. Some sorcery, wizardry, I’ve got it all to sell. MOE, POE, and ROE ENTER. The Enchanted Depot commercial is I’ll conjure some fancy, acted out as if it is on TV, CENTER, facing AUDIENCE, while QUEEN Get chancy with the mojo. 15 watches.) 15 Just show the dough, MOE: Here at Enchanted Depot, happily-ever-after is on every shelf, I’m good to go. down every aisle. I’ll play it like a yo-yo. POE: We offer nothing but the best spells, potions, and magic for all QUEEN: (Speaks.) I’m so happy you came. We want to make our family of your fairy tale needs. like the families in these fairy tales. (Shows her the book.) Can you 20 ROE: Need a frog turned into a prince? We’ve got a potion for that. 20 do that? MOE: Need to spin some straw into gold? Not a problem. FAIRY GODMOTHER: (Sings.) Fairy tales, that’s my middle name. POE: Our specially trained staff is ready to meet all of your do-it- I’m the best in the business, the top of the heap. (Looks at ROYAL yourself fairy tale needs. CHILDREN, who lounge around looking useless.) ROE: Just send us your order via enchanted paper airplane, and But your travails, that’s a whole other game. 25 we’ll have it ready for you to pick up. (Shows paper airplane and 25 Impossible things, well, they don’t come cheap. pretends to throw it.) PRINCESS CINNAMON: (Speaks.) I’ve heard enough of this. See ya, MOE: (Smiles.) We bring happily-ever-after to all your stories. fairy lady. (EXITS.) MOE/POE/ROE: So we’ll see you at… Enchanted Depot! (QUEEN PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: (Speaks.) I’m just gonna make like a banana clicks the remote to turn off the TV. MOE, POE, and ROE EXIT.) and leave. (EXITS.) 30 QUEEN: That’s it! We’ll get supplies at Enchanted Depot and make 30 PRINCE HAIRGEL: (Speaks as MAGIC MIRROR starts to exit.) Stand our own fairy tale! still. I have a few nose hairs that need trimming. (Follows MAGIC NARRATOR: (QUEEN does what NARRATOR describes.) The queen MIRROR OUT.) grabbed a piece of purple parchment off the table and started PRINCE SLACKER: (Speaks.) Hey, where’s everyone going? Wait for to devise her plan. She planned out every detail that would take me. (EXITS, leaving the bag of Royal Chips on the sofa.) 35 her family from disaster to happily-ever-after. She listed all the 35 FAIRY GODMOTHER: (Sings, following the ROYAL CHILDREN with her items she would need from Enchanted Depot. (QUEEN folds it into gaze.) Does somebody need a lot of magic? a paper airplane.) When she was finished, the queen summoned It seems I’ll be diggin’ deep into my bag of tricks. the Royal Page named Paige. (Rings bell.) I’ll need my strongest jinxes, my hoodwinks, and my hexes, PAIGE: (ENTERS.) Your Majesty, how may I serve you? My hieroglyphs, my runes, and tunes, and everything in excess. 40 QUEEN: Now, Penelope, what I have here is a very important list of 40 (Speaks.) Like I was saying, this fairy tale is going to be a big job. items that I need from Enchanted Depot. I need you to go at once KING: (Speaks. Concerned.) A big job? and bring them back to the castle.

28 25 RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT

1 QUEEN: (Speaks. Very concerned.) How big a job? 1 Some sorcery, wizardry, I’ve got it all to sell. FAIRY GODMOTHER: (Speaks.) Well, first you’re going to have to check I’ll conjure up some fancy, with the Royal City Hall to see if this area is even zoned for fairy Get chancy with the mojo. tales. Then, you’ll need to get permits. Just show the dough, 5 QUEEN: (Speaks.) Permits? 5 I’m good to go. FAIRY GODMOTHER: (Speaks.) Yes, you don’t think you can just do I’ll play it like a yo-yo. a fairy tale without permits, do you? (Looks around.) And for a job FAIRY HELPERS: (Sing.) Mother’s power will this size, there are going to be a whole lot of materials. (Pulls an Save the hour. abacus out of her handbag and calculates.) Okay, Royal Servant, Just show the dough, 10 take this down. (Hands a notepad and pencil to SERVANT ONE. 10 And she’ll bring the mojo. FAIRY GODMOTHER paces then gradually gets her groove on as she With conjurations goes.) And incantations, I’ll need… (Spoken in rhythm, rap-style.) Her potent potions Three gold bottles of butterfly sweat, Start the motion 15 A ground mummy bone baked in a baguette, 15 To the wildest transformations. A clip from the tip of a unicorn horn, Mother’s power will A first-born sheep—shorn—and an ear of blue corn. Save the hour. Mermaid breath to fill twelve silver jars, Just show the dough, Dust from all ten Capricorn stars, And she’ll bring the mojo. 20 The seventh petal from a rainbow blossom, 20 With conjurations Crinkleroot, magic flute, petrified possum. And incantations, A Grimm Valley crystal and a saber-tooth tusk, Her potent potions A pot of dragon snot and minotaur musk, Start the motion The pit from an enchanted apricot To the wildest transformations. 25 A lock of Sampson’s hair in a sailor’s knot. (A CHORUS of FAIRY 25 ALL FAIRIES: (Sing.) Right now there’s a closeout. HELPERS ENTERS.) All prices have been froze out. FAIRY HELPERS: (Sing.) Mother’s power will A special sale of sales Save the hour. On happy-ending fairy tales. (MUSIC OUT. CHORUS EXITS.) Just show the dough, FAIRY GODMOTHER: (Shows KING and QUEEN a large number on the 30 And she’ll bring the mojo. 30 paper.) Here is the grand total. This is what your happily-ever-after With conjurations fairy tale will cost. And incantations, QUEEN: Wow, that sure is a big number. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen Her potent potions so many zeros. Start the motion KING: That’s a little more than we had in mind. 35 To the wildest transformations. (The following two stanzas are sung as a duet.) 35 FAIRY GODMOTHER: Well, that’s just your first payment. But we should be able to start three weeks from Thursday. And if the FAIRY GODMOTHER: (Sings.) Does somebody need a little magic? weather holds we might have this fairy tale finished in about Does somebody need a wish, a potion, or a spell? eleven months. No need to look further. There isn’t any other. QUEEN: Eleven months! To complete one fairy tale?! What about the 40 I am your one and only Fairy Godmother. 40 audience? I don’t know if they will stay around much longer, let Does somebody need a little magic? alone 11 months.

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1 QUEEN: (Speaks. Very concerned.) How big a job? 1 Some sorcery, wizardry, I’ve got it all to sell. FAIRY GODMOTHER: (Speaks.) Well, first you’re going to have to check I’ll conjure up some fancy, with the Royal City Hall to see if this area is even zoned for fairy Get chancy with the mojo. tales. Then, you’ll need to get permits. Just show the dough, 5 QUEEN: (Speaks.) Permits? 5 I’m good to go. FAIRY GODMOTHER: (Speaks.) Yes, you don’t think you can just do I’ll play it like a yo-yo. a fairy tale without permits, do you? (Looks around.) And for a job FAIRY HELPERS: (Sing.) Mother’s power will this size, there are going to be a whole lot of materials. (Pulls an Save the hour. abacus out of her handbag and calculates.) Okay, Royal Servant, Just show the dough, 10 take this down. (Hands a notepad and pencil to SERVANT ONE. 10 And she’ll bring the mojo. FAIRY GODMOTHER paces then gradually gets her groove on as she With conjurations goes.) And incantations, I’ll need… (Spoken in rhythm, rap-style.) Her potent potions Three gold bottles of butterfly sweat, Start the motion 15 A ground mummy bone baked in a baguette, 15 To the wildest transformations. A clip from the tip of a unicorn horn, Mother’s power will A first-born sheep—shorn—and an ear of blue corn. Save the hour. Mermaid breath to fill twelve silver jars, Just show the dough, Dust from all ten Capricorn stars, And she’ll bring the mojo. 20 The seventh petal from a rainbow blossom, 20 With conjurations Crinkleroot, magic flute, petrified possum. And incantations, A Grimm Valley crystal and a saber-tooth tusk, Her potent potions A pot of dragon snot and minotaur musk, Start the motion The pit from an enchanted apricot To the wildest transformations. 25 A lock of Sampson’s hair in a sailor’s knot. (A CHORUS of FAIRY 25 ALL FAIRIES: (Sing.) Right now there’s a closeout. HELPERS ENTERS.) All prices have been froze out. FAIRY HELPERS: (Sing.) Mother’s power will A special sale of sales Save the hour. On happy-ending fairy tales. (MUSIC OUT. CHORUS EXITS.) Just show the dough, FAIRY GODMOTHER: (Shows KING and QUEEN a large number on the 30 And she’ll bring the mojo. 30 paper.) Here is the grand total. This is what your happily-ever-after With conjurations fairy tale will cost. And incantations, QUEEN: Wow, that sure is a big number. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen Her potent potions so many zeros. Start the motion KING: That’s a little more than we had in mind. 35 To the wildest transformations. (The following two stanzas are sung as a duet.) 35 FAIRY GODMOTHER: Well, that’s just your first payment. But we should be able to start three weeks from Thursday. And if the FAIRY GODMOTHER: (Sings.) Does somebody need a little magic? weather holds we might have this fairy tale finished in about Does somebody need a wish, a potion, or a spell? eleven months. No need to look further. There isn’t any other. QUEEN: Eleven months! To complete one fairy tale?! What about the 40 I am your one and only Fairy Godmother. 40 audience? I don’t know if they will stay around much longer, let Does somebody need a little magic? alone 11 months.

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1 FAIRY GODMOTHER: (Shocked.) You’re trying to make the audience 1 SERVANT TWO: (Speaks.) No, it’s my job. (SERVANT ONE ends up stay? (KING and QUEEN nod.) I do magic, not miracles. Give me a with the horn. Sighs in resignation.) I present to you Ms. Fairy call if you change your mind. Too-da-loo. (EXITS.) Godmother. (SERVANT ONE plays the horn like a professional and NARRATOR: The king and queen’s hopes were shattered. Happiness for a much longer time. ALL are shocked.) 5 had been within their grasps, but now it was as far away as 5 FAIRY GODMOTHER: (ENTERS, carrying a handbag. Sings.) yesterday’s sunset. So the king did what all depressed kings do. Does somebody need a little magic? KING: I can’t take it anymore. I’m going golfing. (EXITS.) Does somebody need a wish, a potion, or a spell? NARRATOR: The queen did what all depressed queens do, she No need to look further. grabbed a bag of Royal Chips, sat on the Royal Sofa, and watched There isn’t any other. 10 the Royal Twenty-Foot Flat Screen TV. It was during the third bag 10 I am your one and only Fairy Godmother. of Royal Chips that an advertisement came on that renewed her Does somebody need a little magic? hope. (QUEEN sits and eats with the TV remote control in her hand. Some sorcery, wizardry, I’ve got it all to sell. MOE, POE, and ROE ENTER. The Enchanted Depot commercial is I’ll conjure some fancy, acted out as if it is on TV, CENTER, facing AUDIENCE, while QUEEN Get chancy with the mojo. 15 watches.) 15 Just show the dough, MOE: Here at Enchanted Depot, happily-ever-after is on every shelf, I’m good to go. down every aisle. I’ll play it like a yo-yo. POE: We offer nothing but the best spells, potions, and magic for all QUEEN: (Speaks.) I’m so happy you came. We want to make our family of your fairy tale needs. like the families in these fairy tales. (Shows her the book.) Can you 20 ROE: Need a frog turned into a prince? We’ve got a potion for that. 20 do that? MOE: Need to spin some straw into gold? Not a problem. FAIRY GODMOTHER: (Sings.) Fairy tales, that’s my middle name. POE: Our specially trained staff is ready to meet all of your do-it- I’m the best in the business, the top of the heap. (Looks at ROYAL yourself fairy tale needs. CHILDREN, who lounge around looking useless.) ROE: Just send us your order via enchanted paper airplane, and But your travails, that’s a whole other game. 25 we’ll have it ready for you to pick up. (Shows paper airplane and 25 Impossible things, well, they don’t come cheap. pretends to throw it.) PRINCESS CINNAMON: (Speaks.) I’ve heard enough of this. See ya, MOE: (Smiles.) We bring happily-ever-after to all your stories. fairy lady. (EXITS.) MOE/POE/ROE: So we’ll see you at… Enchanted Depot! (QUEEN PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: (Speaks.) I’m just gonna make like a banana clicks the remote to turn off the TV. MOE, POE, and ROE EXIT.) and leave. (EXITS.) 30 QUEEN: That’s it! We’ll get supplies at Enchanted Depot and make 30 PRINCE HAIRGEL: (Speaks as MAGIC MIRROR starts to exit.) Stand our own fairy tale! still. I have a few nose hairs that need trimming. (Follows MAGIC NARRATOR: (QUEEN does what NARRATOR describes.) The queen MIRROR OUT.) grabbed a piece of purple parchment off the table and started PRINCE SLACKER: (Speaks.) Hey, where’s everyone going? Wait for to devise her plan. She planned out every detail that would take me. (EXITS, leaving the bag of Royal Chips on the sofa.) 35 her family from disaster to happily-ever-after. She listed all the 35 FAIRY GODMOTHER: (Sings, following the ROYAL CHILDREN with her items she would need from Enchanted Depot. (QUEEN folds it into gaze.) Does somebody need a lot of magic? a paper airplane.) When she was finished, the queen summoned It seems I’ll be diggin’ deep into my bag of tricks. the Royal Page named Paige. (Rings bell.) I’ll need my strongest jinxes, my hoodwinks, and my hexes, PAIGE: (ENTERS.) Your Majesty, how may I serve you? My hieroglyphs, my runes, and tunes, and everything in excess. 40 QUEEN: Now, Penelope, what I have here is a very important list of 40 (Speaks.) Like I was saying, this fairy tale is going to be a big job. items that I need from Enchanted Depot. I need you to go at once KING: (Speaks. Concerned.) A big job? and bring them back to the castle.

28 25 RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT

1 previous loses in the private sector. And in other serious news, 1 PAIGE: Yes, my queen. One minor detail, my name is Paige. Remember, there was— I’m the page named Paige. KING: Would you stop that! QUEEN: I apologize, Patricia. Now, this journey is extremely important QUEEN: Magic Mirror, are you capable of the magic that’s in these to the Royal Family. 5 fairy tales? 5 PAIGE: I understand, but I’m Paige, Your Majesty. MAGIC MIRROR: No, I am not. I mainly specialize in card tricks and QUEEN: I knew I could trust you, Penny. Now be off, and may the luck attempts at predicting the weather. For that kind of magic you of the kingdom be with you. need the Fairy Godmother. PAIGE: Excuse me, ma’am, don’t I need the list? QUEEN: Yes. How do I get in touch with this Fairy Godmother? QUEEN: No, Peggy, I will be sending this list via enchanted paper 10 MAGIC MIRROR: Sky above. Ground below. I must tell you, I don’t 10 airplane. (Shows paper airplane.) That way, the order will be know. prepared and waiting for you when you arrive. Now be off and ride KING: What exactly are you good for? like the wind. The Royal Servants have fetched you our fastest PRINCE HAIRGEL: Wow, look at that great mirror. (Combs his hair.) horse. (SERVANTS bring ON hobbyhorse and satchel for PAIGE.) KING: Get out of here. (PRINCE HAIRGEL sits back down.) Mirror, can PAIGE: (To SERVANTS.) Thank you. (To QUEEN.) I’ll do my best. (SOUND 15 EFFECT: HORSE CLIP-CLOPS as PAIGE rides OFF. SERVANTS EXIT.) 15 you give us any advice on how to find this Fairy Godmother? MAGIC MIRROR: Gaze upon the Royal Sofa and you shall find, the QUEEN: (CENTER, faces AUDIENCE.) It’s time to send the list. (MUSIC one with knowledge to fill your mind. CUE 7a: “Haphazardly Ever After-Reprise.”) QUEEN: (Turns and sees ROYAL CHILDREN on the sofa. PRINCE NARRATOR: (Speaks.) The queen held the enchanted airplane up high SLACKER plays on his smartphone.) Are you serious? The Royal and carefully aimed. (Walks to QUEEN.) When she felt the time was 20 just right, she released the airplane. (Takes airplane and pretends 20 Children? Knowledge? You are a worse Magic Mirror than I thought. to make it fly. Sings.) MAGIC MIRROR: Psst. No, use Prince Slacker’s Royal Smartphone to help bring the Fairy Godmother to your home. As the airplane left her hand, It carried all their hopes and dreams. QUEEN: Oh. Very clever, Mirror, very clever. (To PRINCE SLACKER.) Give With happily ever after as its goal. me that. I can’t believe you are always wasting your time with this 25 It sailed over woods and mountains, 25 foolish game. What exactly is it anyway? Past the Pole, to Enchanted Depot, PRINCE SLACKER: (Shows QUEEN how to play.) It’s called Angry Where it finally came to land. (Rest of ENSEMBLE ENTERS and ALL Peasants. See you pull back the little slingshot and launch the gather, forming a line DOWNSTAGE.) Angry Peasants at those towers filled with mean goats. ALL: (Sing.) Haphazardly ever after. QUEEN: (Scolds.) That’s ridiculous. (Tries it.) But also, oh so addictive. 30 We’re puzzled, confused, perplexed. 30 Look! I hit the tower. A king and a queen caught up in between KING: You did it, my dear. (High five.) The mood of their brood QUEEN: Now, if I can just knock that second tower down, and then I’ll And bad attitude, get the last of those pesky little goats… Wait a minute, a queen should not be playing such a lowbrow game. (To AUDIENCE.) At The frenzy and fits, 35 The end of our wits! 35 least not until I’m backstage. (To PRINCE SLACKER.) Now, help me use this thing to contact the Fairy Godmother. Prepare yourself for all that happens… NARRATOR: So Prince Slacker helped his parents contact the Fairy NARRATOR: (Sings.) …next. Godmother, and before they could say “bippity-boppity-boo,” she ALL: (Sing.) Haphazardly ever after! (MUSIC OUT. BLACKOUT.) had arrived. (MUSIC CUE 7: “Does Somebody Need a Little Magic?”) End of ACT ONE 40 SERVANT ONE: (ENTERS with SERVANT TWO, fighting over the horn. Speaks.) It’s my turn.

24 29 RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT

ACT TWO 1 NARRATOR: The king and queen loved the stories. They depicted the Scene One – Inside Enchanted Depot life they dreamed of, the life they were now determined to have. 1 LIGHTS UP: Inside Enchanted Depot. MOE is busily working at the PRINCE SLACKER: (Looks over the KING’S shoulder at the book.) Who checkout counter. Various potions, spells, and magical fairy tale is that dude? related items fill the store. There are containers, bags, and boxes, 5 KING: (Gestures toward the book.) This “dude” is a brave prince rescuing oversized tub of spells, extra-large bag of magic beans, dragon food, a princess. He has traveled a great distance on horseback, fought 5 a basket of red and green apples, a large bag of pixie dust, magic a ferocious beast and scaled a great wall to free his true love. carpets, pumpkin, and various bags. (Hopeful.) Maybe you could do something like this? NARRATOR: (ENTERS and sits.) At Enchanted Depot, the employees— PRINCE SLACKER: (Stares at KING as if he’s actually considering it.) Moe, Poe, and Roe—were working hard to meet the needs of their 10 Nah, sounds like a lot of work. Hey, do we have any Royal Cookies do-it-yourself fairy tale customers. left? 10 POE: (ENTERS carrying three brooms.) The shipment of witches’ KING: (Glares at PRINCE SLACKER.) Go away! brooms just came in. PRINCE SLACKER: Okay, but it’s not like it’s a crime for a prince to MOE: Great. Just place them over there next to the crystal balls and want a little snack. (Gets cookies, sits on sofa, and plays on his the laughing roses. 15 smartphone.) POE: (Sets down two of the brooms, but struggles with the third as if it’s NARRATOR: As the king and queen poured over page after page, they 15 trying to fly away.) Sometimes these brooms have minds of their noticed a common theme in the stories. own. Whoa… (Gets control of it. Puts it down and points at it.) Stay! KING: In these stories there is unhappiness, but then some kind of Good broom. magic or spell is used to help bring about happiness. MOE: Stop playing around over there. Did you order the procrastination 20 QUEEN: Yes, it’s magic that makes it all better. spell yet? KING/QUEEN: The Royal Magic Mirror! 20 POE: No, but I promise I’ll do it tomorrow. QUEEN: We must consult the Royal Magic Mirror. (Rings bell. Calls MOE: That reminds me, have the enchanted airplane orders come in? OFFSTAGE.) Servants, bring in the Royal Magic Mirror. POE: Yes, Roe’s up on the roof catching them now. SERVANT ONE: (ENTERS with SERVANT ONE and MAGIC MIRROR. Has ROE: (ENTERS with a large fishing net with a handle. She is covered in 25 a spray bottle and cloth.) I present to you the Royal Magic Mirror. paper airplanes. Several are stuck in her hair. “Catches” the last one.) (SERVANT TWO plays horn.) 25 Come here, you little enchanted airplane. Gotcha! Whew. This is SERVANT TWO: Let us just wash the glass a bit. (MAGIC MIRROR hard work. I don’t know who thought of this idea. I guess it’s better faces AUDIENCE while SERVANTS ONE and TWO clean his face with than our last promotion. Enchanted cannonballs. (MUSIC CUE 8: the spray bottle and cloth. SERVANTS EXIT.) “The Enchanted Depot.” NOTE: OPTIONAL CHORUS of ADDITIONAL SHOPPERS may ENTER during song, if desired.) 30 QUEEN: Mirror, Mirror, that never fails, tell me are you familiar with fairy tales? (Holds up book.) 30 MOE: (Speaks.) Well, your break’s over, let’s start putting the orders together. MAGIC MIRROR: Why, yes I am. I do believe my cousin even plays a role in one of them. However, her negative attitude reflects poorly POE: (Speaks.) What took you so long? on our family. (SOUND EFFECT: RIM SHOT.) Ha. Get it? We’re ROE: (Speaks.) Heavy winds, a few flying dragons, and about eight 35 mirrors, and I said she reflects poorly on our family. I’ve only been dozen enchanted airplane orders. (MYSTERIOUS OLD MAN on the stage a few minutes, and I’m already knocking them out 35 ENTERS.) the park. MOE/POE/ROE: (Sing.) You’ve come to Enchanted Depot. KING: Magic Mirror, please be serious. We open our doors to you. MAGIC MIRROR: (Makes serious faces. In a serious voice.) In today’s We don’t carry paint, 40 serious business news, the Dow Jones Industrial Average We don’t carry glue, increased by one point three seven percent, helping to recover 40 And nary a nail or screw.

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1 FAIRY TWO: Whatever needs to be done. (RELUCTANT FAIRY hands 1 You’ve come to Enchanted Depot NARRATOR the paper. MUSIC CUE 6c: “Haphazardly Ever After- With magic down every aisle. Reprise.” RELUCTANT FAIRY crosses to castle, proud and brave.) Your wish, our command, NARRATOR: (Sings.) All manned with a smile, 5 Suddenly, a magical but very manly fairy entered the scene. 5 The fantasy mercantile. He was a cross between a linebacker and a U.S. Marine. MOE: (Speaks.) How can we be of assistance, kind sir? Strong and masculine, but stealthy and light on his feet. MYSTERIOUS OLD MAN: (Sings.) He wouldn’t rest until his top secret mission was complete, I need me a small bag of magic beans To remain undetected For a mischievous boy named Jack. 10 As he snuck the book right next to the queen. (RELUCTANT FAIRY 10 The best that you carry, no in betweens, goes around the back of sofa and tries to place book by QUEEN.) To grow a stalk to the clouds and back. (POE hands bag of beans to PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: (Sees RELUCTANT FAIRY, speaks.) What is MYSTERIOUS OLD MAN. He pays with several gold coins. that? MOE: (Speaks.) I personally guarantee it. Just make sure you watch PRINCE HAIRGEL: (Speaks.) It’s a giant, disgusting bug! out for mean, nasty giants if you choose to climb the beanstalk 15 PRINCESS CINNAMON: (Speaks.) Kill it! (RELUCTANT FAIRY runs in 15 after planting. front of the sofa. PRINCESSES and PRINCES chase him with fly MYSTERIOUS OLD MAN: (Speaks.) Oh, I will. (Gives AUDIENCE a swatters and bug spray which were under the sofa.) devious smile and continues to browse. WITCH ENTERS.) RELUCTANT FAIRY: (Screams.) Ahh! (Drops book near QUEEN and MOE/POE/ROE: (Sing.) You’ve come to Enchanted Depot. runs to FAIRIES ONE and TWO, speaks.) They thought I was a bug! We cater to every need. 20 (Cries on FAIRY ONE’S shoulder.) It was terrible. Don’t make me go 20 Just keep your receipt. back out there. (FAIRIES ONE and TWO comfort him.) There’s no need to plead. QUEEN: (Notices fairy tale book, speaks.) What’s this? (Flips through All wishes are guaranteed. the pages.) This book is fascinating! (Shows KING the book.) ROE: (Speaks.) And how may I help you, madam? KING: (Speaks.) It is indeed. (They look at the book with curiosity and WITCH: (Sings.) I’ve come for an apple, the poisonous kind. 25 excitement.) 25 It’s a gift. Do you box and wrap? FAIRY ONE: (Sees QUEEN and KING reading, speaks.) It was a success! I’ll give to a princess I have in mind. FAIRY TWO: (Speaks.) Let us hide and watch what wonders will unfold. She’s going to sleep for an infinite nap. (Cackles.) (FAIRIES EXIT.) ROE: (Speaks.) They come in red and green. NARRATOR: (Sings.) The king and queen were mesmerized. WITCH: (Speaks.) Which ones are on sale? 30 They devoured page after page. 30 ROE: (Speaks.) The red ones. Every story was filled with hope and bravery, WITCH: (Speaks.) I’ll take one red apple. Oh, and I have this coupon. As good conquered wicked wrongs and knavery. (Takes out a huge bundle of coupons and leafs through them.) They could see how their destiny could be realized. (MUSIC OUT.) ROE: (Speaks.) Certainly. (To the AUDIENCE.) Who is this, the Cheap QUEEN: We should be like one of these fairy tale families. Witch of the West? 35 KING: Yes, dear, that’s exactly what I was thinking. 35 WITCH: (Speaks.) Here you go. (Hands coupon and a few coins.) PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: (Stands and looks over QUEEN’S shoulder at ROE: (Speaks.) Thank you. (RELUCTANT FAIRY ENTERS.) the book.) Who is she? RELUCTANT FAIRY: (Sings.) QUEEN: This is Snow White. Please refill my pixie dust. Do it quick. PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: I’m way prettier than this Snow White. And I’ve a fairy tale in quite a state. 40 why is she hanging out with all those short, bearded guys? That’s 40 The end of our wits, praying this does the trick. just wrong. (Sits back down.) Now, I have to dash home before I’m too late. (Speaks.) Hey,

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1 that audience looks familiar… (Hands MOE the bag. MOE fills 1 FAIRY TWO: (Speaks.) Hurry, my fanciful friends, our magical time it as RELUCTANT FAIRY pays.) Thanks. You’re a lifesaver. (Gives is coming to an end. (Throws pixie dust. FAIRIES ONE and TWO AUDIENCE a thumbs-up and smile.) dance LEFT to hide behind NARRATOR. MUSIC OUT. FAIRIES are still ALL: (Sing.) Here at Enchanted Depot, visible to the AUDIENCE. RELUCTANT FAIRY shrugs his shoulders 5 There’s everything magic for you, 5 and continues to read the fairy tale book as he crosses to FAIRIES The latest in tricks, to build or to fix, ONE and TWO, who do not notice RELUCTANT FAIRY still holds the Where fairy tales always come true. (SORCERER ENTERS with book.) genie lamp.) NARRATOR: (ROYAL FAMILY UNFREEZES.) The king and queen continued to ponder what to do about their difficult children. They POE: (Speaks.) It’s good to see you again so soon, Master Sorcerer. 10 hoped for a miracle. 10 SORCERER: (Sings.) This lamp is defective. I’ve brought it back. KING: We must do something to fix this family. The genie is worthless as well. The tight quarters make her a maniac QUEEN: Yes, we need some kind of miracle. I think she’s in need of a powerful spell. FAIRY ONE: The plot will change once the queen finds the book MOE: (Speaks.) That happens every once in a while. (Looks in lamp.) FAIRY TWO: I am so excited, it’s almost hard to look. 15 Ouch! She poked my eye. Enchanted Depot will gladly give you a 15 RELUCTANT FAIRY: (Flips through the fairy tale book.) I still don’t new lamp. (Sets lamp on counter.) know how this fairy tale book is going to help the king and queen. SORCERER: (Hands him a receipt, speaks.) Here’s my receipt. I’ll just (FAIRIES ONE and TWO notice the book.) take one of those flying carpets instead. It’s perfect for my Arabian FAIRY ONE: The book. It’s supposed to be in the play! fairy tale and makes commuting in traffic a breeze.(MOE gives him FAIRY TWO: This foolish blunder will ruin everything. 20 a carpet. FAIRY GODMOTHER ENTERS.) 20 RELUCTANT FAIRY: (To AUDIENCE.) Oops. MOE/POE/ROE: (Sing.) You’ve come to Enchanted Depot, FAIRY ONE: (With great despair.) What are we going to do? And you’re looking quite the sight. FAIRY TWO: (Cries.) Why did this have to happen? All hope is lost. Your pumpkin is here, All gilded and bright, RELUCTANT FAIRY: Don’t worry. I can totally fix this. Just give me some of the magic potato dust, I’ll freeze everyone and put the 25 Enchanted for someone’s delight. (As much as possible, MOE, POE, 25 book back. Problem solved. and ROE pass a pumpkin around Harlem Globetrotter-style and then present it to the FAIRY GODMOTHER.) FAIRY ONE: It’s pixie dust, and we are out. (Shows empty bag.) MOE: (Speaks.) Is this what you ordered? FAIRY TWO: This story is a tragedy, without a doubt. FAIRY GODMOTHER: (Speaks.) Excellent craftsmanship as always. I RELUCTANT FAIRY: Okay. Let me think. I’ve got it. I’ll sneak into the castle and place the fairy tale book by the queen and be back 30 have to make another carriage for a certain princess so she’ll end up with her loving prince. (In a sing-song voice.) This little trick of 30 before you know it. mine has made me a fortune. FAIRY ONE: Oh, brave fairy. You would do that? MOE: (Sings.) FAIRY TWO: It would be wonderful, but you mustn’t be seen. For it is It seems like everyone’s making princess fairy tales these days. very dangerous for a fairy to enter a story. Especially without pixie dust. 35 POE: (Sings.) Where the poor, helpless princess Is saved by her prince, strong and brave. 35 RELUCTANT FAIRY: No problem. Just let me write a few things down ROE: (Sings.) I much prefer it when she wields the sword, first. (Pulls paper from pocket and writes.) Finished. Okay, I’ll do it. (FAIRIES ONE and TWO cheer.) But the Narrator has to sing this And the dragon, she slays. introduction for me. I wrote it myself. (Smiles proudly.) When I write the story, the prince is the one she must save. (Picks FAIRY ONE: Certainly. 40 up a broom and holds it like a sword. She charges POE, and they play fight with brooms. PAIGE ENTERS.)

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1 PRINCE SLACKER: (ENTERS, eating from a bag of Royal Chips and 1 PAIGE: (Speaks.) Excuse me, I’m not a princess, and I don’t need to carrying a TV remote.) Mother, there’s nothin’ good to eat in the be rescued, but I do need my order filled. Royal Refrigerator. POE: (Speaks.) Oh, sorry! We didn’t see you come in. QUEEN: We just had it filled yesterday. MOE/POE/ROE: (Sing.) You’ve come to Enchanted Depot, 5 PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: (ENTERS with PRINCESS CINNAMON, who 5 Where shopping is never in vain. carries a dress.) Princess Cinnamon, give me that back! I’m telling. Online or by phone, Mother! (PRINCESS CINNAMON runs around the stage. PRINCESS Try our new campaign, PEPPERMINT chases her. PRINCESSES run OFF.) Sent in by enchanted airplane. QUEEN: (To KING.) I, too, am struggling with this bonsai tree. There are PAIGE: (Speaks.) I’m here to pick up an order for Queen Mildred. She 10 just too many distractions in this castle. (SERVANTS EXIT.) 10 sent it in via enchanted airplane. PRINCE SLACKER: (Clicks remote.) There’s nothin’ on the Royal POE: (Speaks.) Yes, we have it right here. (Lifts up a bag or wooden Twenty-Foot Flat Screen TV. I’m bored! crate and checks the contents against the purple list. Sings.) That’s PRINCE HAIRGEL: You’re a loser. one sleeping potion, PRINCE SLACKER: Brother-dude, that’s way uncool. One Prince-to-Frog spell, 15 QUEEN: Everyone, please just try to get along. 15 Rapunzel hair lotion, Some fresh immortelle, PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: (ENTERS with torn dress.) Mother! Look what Cinnamon did to my best dress! One Love Potion Nine And a pentacle stamp, PRINCESS CINNAMON: (ENTERS with potted plant broken and stuck A Gypsy Rose vine, on her head and a teddy bear ripped in half.) Father! Look what 20 And one magic lamp. (Looks around. Speaks.) Oh, dear, we seem to 20 Peppermint did with the Royal Flowers and to poor Royal Teddy! (FAIRIES ENTER unseen by ROYAL FAMILY. FAIRY TWO has the fairy be missing the magic lamp. I’ll be right back with it. (Sets bag down tale book. FAIRIES ONE and TWO prance “fairy-like” while RELUCTANT and EXITS. MOE and ROE busy themselves straightening products, FAIRY simply walks ON. As they approach CENTER, FAIRIES ONE etc.) and TWO sprinkle pixie dust, and ROYAL FAMILY FREEZES. SOUND PAIGE: (Speaks to herself.) Oh, the lamp is right here. (Grabs defective 25 EFFECT: PIXIE DUST.) 25 lamp and puts it in bag, unnoticed by MOE and ROE. Leaves coins FAIRY ONE: The mystical and mysterious fairies have returned to our on counter. Yells to POE.) Thank you, I appreciate your help. (EXITS story. with supplies.) FAIRY TWO: We are here with magic pixie dust to freeze the action POE: (Returns with new lamp, speaks.) Ma’am, I have your lamp. and bring a new twist to this tale. (Looks around.) Where’d she go? 30 30 RELUCTANT FAIRY: (To AUDIENCE.) I still don’t know how I got stuck ROE: (Speaks.) I think she left, and it looks like she took the broken with this fairy part. (FAIRIES move around frozen ROYAL FAMILY. lamp. FAIRY ONE removes potted plant from PRINCESS CINNAMON’S MOE: (Speaks.) That should make for an interesting fairy tale. head.) ALL: (Sing.) Here at Enchanted Depot, FAIRY ONE: (Looks at frozen KING and QUEEN.) The king and queen There’s everything magic for you. 35 are so sad. 35 The latest in tricks, to build or to fix, FAIRY TWO: They need our help. We will leave this book of fairy tales Buy the young ones a Merlin tattoo. as a guide. (Places fairy tale book near QUEEN.) With daily promotions for charms, spells, and potions, RELUCTANT FAIRY: (Picks up fairy tale book.) How is this book going A do-it-yourself witches’ brew. to help? Where fairy tales always come true. (MUSIC OUT. BLACKOUT.) 40 FAIRY ONE: (Makes exaggerated magical fairy movements.) Watch in End of Scene One wonder, and see how a book can change one’s destiny. (MUSIC CUE 6b: “Fairies Dance.”) 20 33 RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT

ACT TWO 1 TEACHER TWO: (Meets TEACHER ONE CENTER, speaks.) Why, I’ve Scene Two – A Fairy Tale Plan never in my life… they’re… they’re monsters! 1 LIGHTS UP DOWNSTAGE. TEACHER ONE: (Sings.) Unteachable, unreachable, NARRATOR: Loaded with the supplies from the Enchanted Depot, They’re simply dreadful creatures. the page named Paige bravely rode back. (Still carrying the bag 5 TEACHER TWO: (Sings.) They’re terrible, unbearable, or box of supplies, PAIGE ENTERS, riding a hobbyhorse. SOUND The bane of all we teachers. 5 EFFECT: HORSE CLIP-CLOPS.) She rode over the river and through Contestable, detestable, the woods and towards the Royal Castle. (LIGHTS UP FULL. QUEEN Their minds severely lacking. sits working on her fairy tale plan. GENIE is hidden from audience TEACHER ONE: (Sings.) Obstreperous, cantankerous, behind or under the table. The tray of cookies remains on the table.) 10 Delusional, and slacking. NARRATOR: (ENTERS and sits.) Meanwhile, back at the Royal Castle, TEACHERS: (Sing.) Our backs against the wall, 10 the Queen was working on her fairy tale plan when the King Our toes upon the ledge, returned from golfing. To jump or fall, their caterwaul KING: (ENTERS with a damaged golf club and a golf ball stuck on his Has pushed us to the edge! crown.) I hate golf. 15 TEACHER TWO: (Sings.) Just horrible! QUEEN: Barnabas, I have an amazing idea! TEACHER ONE: (Sings.) Deplorable! 15 NARRATOR: The queen told the king all about her plan and how she TEACHERS: (Sing.) Our patience is in tatters. ordered supplies from Enchanted Depot to create a do it yourself fairy tale. The king thought her plan was brilliant. (MUSIC CUE 9: TEACHER TWO: (Sings.) It matters not. “The Fairy Tale Book.”) TEACHER ONE: (Sings.) Those misbegot! KING: (Speaks.) I think that’s brilliant! 20 Mad hatters all the lot. 20 QUEEN: (Speaks.) Thank you, Barnabas, but I do have one question TEACHERS: (Sing.) One final thought, for you. One short bon mot… KING: (Speaks.) What is it? Those spoiled royals can’t be taught! (MUSIC OUT.) QUEEN: (Sings.) My king, my king, my king! End of Scene Four Oh, my charming, strong, and handsome, ACT ONE 25 My sweet and loving king. Scene Five – A Fairy Intervention Beyond comparison! Inside the Royal Castle. Fly swatters and bug spray are hidden under I did miss you, oh, so much today. 25 the sofa. A tray of cookies, purple parchment, and a pencil are on the For golfing took you so far away. table. MUSIC CUE 6a: “Haphazardly Ever After-Reprise.” Before my song is done, NARRATOR: (Sings.) The king and queen have struck out twice. 30 I must know if you scored a hole-in-one. Now they don’t know where else to turn. KING: (Speaks.) Please don’t bring up my golf game! I was abysmal! Peace and quiet are a distant dream. QUEEN: (Speaks.) Oh, my poor darling. 30 They’ve become sucked dry of all their self-esteem. (Sings.) I read this glorious book, Soon they’ll reach their limit. No more playing nice. (MUSIC OUT. How a fairy tale’s created. KING and QUEEN ENTER and sit on thrones. SERVANTS ENTER with 35 It’s true. Just take a look. the puzzle, bonsai tree, and clippers. KING and QUEEN attempt to Instructions old and young. work on them. PRINCE HAIRGEL ENTERS.) Fairy tales can be done as a musical. 35 KING: I can’t seem to finish this jigsaw puzzle. Think King and I or that Seussical, Where every word is sung, PRINCE HAIRGEL: That’s because you bought the puzzle for seven year-olds. 40 And they slip so sweetly off the tongue. 34 19

1 castles are not wrong, they are strong. And our flags do not touch 1 Sometimes dramatical, a pie. They touch the sky. And finally, our kingdom will endure. It’s Sometimes ecstatical, not obscure! This lesson is over! (PRINCESS PEPPERMINT EXITS. Aristocratical PRINCE HAIRGEL and PRINCE SLACKER ENTER and stand next to Or operatical. 5 TEACHER TWO. All three have shields.) 5 KING: (Speaks.) Do you really think this can work? TEACHER TWO: All princes must know how to defend the kingdom. QUEEN: (Speaks.) Absolutely! And look what I’ve taught the Royal Today’s lesson will be on the proper use of a shield. Now a shield Servants to do. (Claps twice and the SERVANTS dance ON to can be a valuable weapon. It can… (Notices PRINCE HAIRGEL CENTER and act out the lyrics in dance and pantomime as the looking at himself in the shield.) Would you stop looking at the QUEEN sings.) We’ll sing and dance, 10 reflection of yourself in the shield? 10 Create romance, PRINCE HAIRGEL: Why, are you jealous? Bring the hills alive with music. TEACHER TWO: (Shakes head. Frustrated.) Let’s continue. Now the We’ll flirt and play first technique… (Notices that PRINCE SLACKER spins his shield Like Chevalier, and does not pay attention.) Please, I beg you, pay attention. And we’ll do Camelot. 15 PRINCE SLACKER: (Not listening and doesn’t care.) What’d you say? 15 We’ll give it all we’ve got. TEACHER TWO: As I was explaining, the first technique is to hold the I’ll be your Guinevere. shield like this. Watch carefully while I demonstrate. (Demonstrates You’ll be my Lancelot. shield maneuvers. Unseen by TEACHER TWO, the PRINCES wave IN My king, my king, my king, STAGE CREW ONE and TWO and hand them the shields. PRINCES We will write a happy ending. 20 EXIT. Eventually TEACHER TWO stops the demonstration and 20 The wedding bells will ring notices.) Hey, where are the princes? Who are you? For our four progeny. STAGE CREW ONE: We’re members of the stage crew. We will do a clever mix and match. STAGE CREW TWO: I’m Samantha, and this is Barbara. We’ll endeavor for the perfect catch. STAGE CREW ONE: I’m in charge of costumes. We’ll make a recipe. 25 STAGE CREW TWO: And I do the lights. 25 Find a he for a she and a she for a he, TEACHER TWO: Enough! Remove yourselves before I have you thrown And then finally… it will be… in the Royal Dungeon! (STAGE CREW ONE and TWO run OFF with Just you and me. (MUSIC OUT.) the shields.) NARRATOR: Suddenly, the page named Paige returned to the Royal TEACHER ONE: (PRINCESS CINNAMON ENTERS and crosses to Castle. The king and queen were elated to see her. (PAIGE ENTERS 30 TEACHER ONE. SERVANT ONE ENTERS holding a tray with a fancy 30 on hobbyhorse with bag of Enchanted Depot supplies. SOUND teapot and two teacups.) It is important for all princesses to know EFFECT: HORSE CLIP-CLOPS.) proper etiquette. Now, let’s work on how to sip tea. (Pours cup of QUEEN: Patsy, you have returned! tea and sips it.) Princess Cinnamon, it is your turn. (Attempts to PAIGE: (Out of breath.) Yes, my queen. Here are your supplies. I rode hand PRINCESS CINNAMON a teacup.) nonstop for three days and three nights. (Gives QUEEN supplies.) 35 PRINCESS CINNAMON: (Passes up the teacup and grabs the teapot. 35 QUEEN: Pam, I can’t thank you enough. The entire Royal Family deeply Drinks the entire pot while making loud drinking noises. Lets out a appreciates all that you’ve done. But at this moment all I can say loud belch.) It could use more sugar. (EXITS, followed by SERVANT is that… you stink. (Waves her hand by her nose.) Three days and ONE.) three nights on horseback and now you smell a little ripe. I think NARRATOR: Just like the Royal Therapist and the suitors before them, it’s time you take a Royal Shower. 40 the Royal Teachers fled the castle and were never to be seen 40 PAIGE: Yes, Your Highness. I promise to use lots of Royal Soap. (SOUND again. (MUSIC CUE 6: “Unteachable.”) EFFECT: HORSE CLIP-CLOPS as PAIGE EXITS with hobbyhorse.)

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1 NARRATOR: The king and queen placed all of their do-it-yourself fairy 1 ALL: (Sing.) I just want a chance! (MUSIC OUT.) tale supplies out on the table. (KING and QUEEN spread out on the End of Scene Three table the bottles [NOTE: If your theatre space is small enough for the audience to see the bottles clearly, label the blue bottle Sweet ACT ONE 5 Dreams, the red bottle Love Potion #9, the green bottle Kermit Scene Four – Educating the Children Cocktail, and the golden bottle Rapunzel Special.], the genie lamp, Inside the Royal Castle. MUSIC CUE 5a: “Haphazardly Ever After- and a sheaf of paper [the instructions from Enchanted Depot] on Reprise.” the table.) The Queen consulted the fairy tale book a few more NARRATOR: (Sings.) We find the king and queen perplexed. times and double-checked her plan. 5 A pair of Cupids they were not, 10 QUEEN: It looks like everything is perfect. I know this will work. But seeing their children never leave the nest KING: Dear, tell me one more time how it will happen. Was a sight that was frightening at the very best. QUEEN: The magic on this table will help us create our dream fairy So their next plan was to pray they might be taught. (MUSIC OUT. tale. First, Princess Cinnamon will drink this blue Sweet Dreams To AUDIENCE. Peers over glasses.) This rarely works. potion. (Picks up blue potion.) It will make her fall asleep for a long, 10 SERVANT ONE: (ENTERS with SERVANT TWO.) I present to you the 15 long time. That is, until out of the blue, her true love will come to Royal Teachers. (SERVANT TWO blows horn as ROYAL TEACHERS the castle and wake her with a kiss. After that, she will move out, ONE and TWO ENTER and stand CENTER.) and we will live happily ever after. TEACHER ONE: We are here to teach, to train, to discipline, to educate. KING: I love it. TEACHER TWO: We will turn these children into proper princesses QUEEN: This one’s a little trickier. But it seemed to work very well in the 15 and princes. 20 fairy tale book. (Picks up golden potion.) Now, Princess Peppermint TEACHER ONE: Because at the core, it’s all about the kids. will drink this golden Rapunzel Special potion, and within a short TEACHER TWO: Yes, no excuses, every child, whatever it takes. time, her hair will grow very, very, very long. We are to then lock her (TEACHER ONE moves RIGHT. TEACHER TWO moves LEFT. PRINCESS in a 200-foot tall tower with no way out. PEPPERMINT ENTERS and stands RIGHT, next to TEACHER ONE.) KING: That sounds good to me. 20 TEACHER ONE: A proper princess will often be called upon to sing 25 QUEEN: No, there’s more. Eventually, according to this book, a prince the “Ballad of Our Kingdom.” It is our kingdom’s most important will come along, scale the tower using her hair, and rescue Princess and precious song. So let us practice it. I will sing it first, and you Peppermint. They will then get married, and once again, we will live can follow. happily ever after. PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: No, I am, like, a really, really awesome KING: You are amazing! 25 singer. So I’ll just totally do it on my own. 30 QUEEN: Now for the Prince Hairgel. (Picks up green potion.) The green TEACHER ONE: As you wish your highness. Please proceed when you Kermit Cocktail potion is for him. It will turn him into a frog. We will are ready. then place him in the pond out back. And the book says a princess PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: (After diva-like warm up exercises she will find him, kiss him, and turn him back into a prince. They will begins to sing a-capella, loud and awful. TEACHER ONE is mortified.) leave together, and, you guessed it, we will live happily ever after. 30 Our kingdom is so porcupine, 35 KING: This just keeps getting better and better. What is the plan for Here the sun shall always whine. Prince Slacker? With stone castles wrong and high, QUEEN: Prince Slacker has the easiest one. Our flags they touch the pie. KING: That’s appropriate. Our kingdom is obscure QUEEN: (Holds up lamp.) He simply needs to rub this magic lamp 35 One can hear the angels sing their— 40 three times. A genie will then appear and grant three wishes. We’ll TEACHER ONE: Stop, stop, stop! You’re singing, or no, you’re screeching make sure one of the wishes is a princess to fall in love with all the words incorrectly. Our kingdom is so divine. Our kingdom is Prince Slacker. not a porcupine. Here the sun shall always shine, not whine. Our

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1 PRINCESS CINNAMON: (Sings.) My father is so stupid. 1 KING: (Surprised.) The genie’s going to make a princess fall in love Mother hasn’t got a clue. with Prince Slacker? (QUEEN nods.) That must be some powerful I tell them they’re not Cupid magic. ’Til my face has turned blue. QUEEN: Yes, it is, and just to be safe, I bought a love potion. (Picks up 5 PRINCE SLACKER: (Sings.) My parents go for frumpy, 5 red potion.) After just one sip, it will cause anyone to fall madly in Cut out of their same cloth. love with the first person he or she sees. So your wonderful wife I go for kinda grumpy has thought of everything. And a little bit Goth. KING: This does seem like a brilliant plan, but don’t you think it’s ROYAL CHILDREN: (Sing.) Their suitors never suit me. unnecessarily complicated? 10 They’re ugly or they’re rude. 10 QUEEN: That’s how fairy tales work. Besides, what could possibly go Their conversations mute me. wrong? (She and KING FREEZE.) They’re dull or too old, or they smell, or they’re crude. NARRATOR: That was the plan. That was how it was supposed to I want to marry for love and attraction. happen. But we all know that things rarely happen the way we plan I want to marry for passion and romance. them. This is true for you, for me, and especially for Queen Mildred 15 and King Barnabas. Let me tell you now what actually happened. 15 I want that feeling of total satisfaction, Not a dental extraction. (KING and QUEEN UNFREEZE.) Why won’t my parents please give me the chance? QUEEN: Okay, so now it’s time to start our fairy tale. SUITORS: (Sing.) How dare those people jilt me? I’m mortified! KING: I’m so excited to live happily ever after. I’ve got land. I’ve got wealth. I’ve got power. QUEEN: Now, how do fairy tales begin? (Thinks.) Oh, yes, I remember— 20 Their arrogance will never be satisfied. 20 with that famous grand line, “I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll blow your I hope their pompous lives all turn sour! (The following two stanzas house down.” No, that’s not it. (Thinks.) I know, this is how fairy are sung as a duet.) tales start. “There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home.” No, not even close. (Thinks.) Okay, I got it now! “A long ROYAL CHILDREN: (Sing.) Their suitors never suit me. time ago in a galaxy, far, far away.” (Thinks.) No, that doesn’t sound They’re mousy or they’re brash. 25 quite right either. (Looks in fairy tale book.) Oh, yes. “Once upon 25 I’d prefer they execute me a time.” That’s it! Once upon a time there were two princesses. Than live out my days with a permanent rash. (PRINCESS CINNAMON and PRINCESS PEPPERMINT ENTER.) And I want to marry for love and attraction. two princes. (PRINCE HAIRGEL and PRINCE SLACKER ENTER.) I want to marry for passion and romance. Welcome, children, please sit down. (They sit.) I want that feeling of total satisfaction. 30 PRINCE HAIRGEL: What do you want now? 30 No allergic reaction KING: We have some exciting news! Or a dental extraction. PRINCE SLACKER: (As always, plops on sofa and plays on his Why won’t my parents please give me the chance? smartphone.) How long is this going to take? SUITORS: (Sing.) He/She didn’t suit me. QUEEN: We are going to make our own fairy tale. He’s/She’s much too brash! 35 PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: Like, do I look like I want to be Little Red 35 I’d prefer they execute me Than live out my days with a permanent rash! Riding Hood or something? I think not. KING: You must follow our instructions very carefully. (He and QUEEN How dare those people jilt me? I’m mortified! look at notes.) Let’s see… I’ve got land. I’ve got wealth. I’ve got power. Their arrogance will never be satisfied. PRINCESS CINNAMON: (Stands and walk towards potions.) This is the 40 stupidest idea yet. I mean, who wants to be in a fairy tale? (Picks 40 I hope their pompous lives all turn sour! up red potion.) They never gave me a chance!

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1 QUEEN: (Sees PRINCESS CINNAMON with red potion.) Princess 1 PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: I didn’t know there was going to be any Cinnamon, please don’t touch that! math on this date. If I had known there was math quiz stuff then PRINCESS CINNAMON: Why not! I’ll do whatever I want! (Drinks red I would have, like, studied or something. (To PRINCE CHOWDER’S potion.) Hey, this tastes pretty good. (Woozy, she looks at the bottle, face.) So why don’t you just go back to your genius kingdom with 5 then sets it down. She does not make eye contact with anyone as 5 your fancy words and math-a-ma-tatics. Just go be Prince Smarty- she slowly moves DOWNSTAGE.) pants by yourself. KING: That’s the wrong potion. (Picks up red potion.) You drank the PRINCE CHOWDER: But I was just— love potion. PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: No, get out! (PRINCE CHOWDER EXITS.) QUEEN: That means Princess Cinnamon will fall madly in love with the Serves him right, thinking he’s all better than me and stuff. (EXITS, 10 first person she sees. Quick, cover her eyes.(KING and QUEEN try 10 frustrated.) to cover her eyes as she stumbles around. Everyone ducks to avoid KING: That didn’t go very well. her gaze. PRINCESS CINNAMON stares lovingly into the AUDIENCE.) QUEEN: Darling, we can’t give up. (MUSIC CUE 5: “Their Suitors Never KING: Too late. Suit Me.” KING and QUEEN EXIT. PRINCE CHOWDER, PRINCESS PRINCESS CINNAMON: (Points into the AUDIENCE.) You, come here. AMBROSIA, and DUKE OF CRANBERRY ENTER. NOTE: OPTIONAL 15 (Smiles and flirts.) 15 CHORUS of ADDITIONAL SUITORS may also ENTER, if desired.) EDDIE: (Stand up in the AUDIENCE.) Me? PRINCE CHOWDER: (Sings, commiserating with the other suitors.) PRINCESS CINNAMON: Yes, you. I have never been so slighted in all my life! I’m a catch! I’m a prize! I’m a find! EDDIE: Okay. (Walks up ONSTAGE.) DUKE OF CRANBERRY: (Sings.) PRINCESS CINNAMON: What’s your name? 20 Short sighted, she’d be lucky to be my wife! 20 EDDIE: Eddie. That selfish girl is out of her mind! PRINCESS CINNAMON: The gallant and handsome Prince Eddie. PRINCESS AMBROSIA: (Sings.) EDDIE: No, my name’s just Eddie. And I’m not a prince. Actually, I’m He’s a narcissist who can’t see past his own nose! a plumber. I’m a sight. I’m a star. I’m a jewel! PRINCESS CINNAMON: And what brings you to this kingdom, Eddie 25 I’d spurn him like a leper if he did propose! 25 the plumber? SUITORS: (Sing.) Anyone who would shun me is a fool! (LIGHTS DOWN EDDIE: I just came to see this play. It’s got a catchy title. So I thought on SUITORS in a soft freeze. LIGHTS up on PRINCESS PEPPERMINT. it might be good. If possible, ALL FOUR ROYAL CHILDREN are lit individually, as if each PRINCESS CINNAMON: Did you travel here on your noble white steed? is in his or her own world.) EDDIE: No, I drove in an old blue Hyundai. I actually live in an apartment 30 PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: (Sings.) My parents never hear me. 30 in Hoboken, New Jersey. My opinion’s always zip. PRINCESS CINNAMON: (To QUEEN.) Mom, I love him. Come Eddie, we They’re tryin’ to disappear me are going to get married. To some smarty-pants drip. EDDIE: (Concerned.) Married?! PRINCE HAIRGEL: (Sings.) My parents did bequeath me PRINCESS CINNAMON: Yes, married! (Takes EDDIE’S hand and pulls 35 My beauty. It’s a curse. 35 him OFF.) And marrying beneath me QUEEN: Oh, my. What have we done? I need a glass of water. Would make matters worse. PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: (Hands QUEEN the blue potion.) Here, PRINCESS PEPPERMINT/PRINCE HAIRGEL: (Sing.) Mother. Their suitors never suit me. 40 They’re tacky, or they’re strange. I’d rather have them shoot me Than marry a spouse they arrange.

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1 Ambrosia. (SERVANT TWO plays horn as PRINCESS AMBROSIA 1 QUEEN: (Drinks.) This is good, but it’s not water. (Looks at bottle.) Oh, ENTERS. SERVANTS EXIT.) no! It’s sleeping potion. At least I didn’t finish the whole bottle. PRINCE HAIRGEL: Welcome, Princess. I must say that I do look (Stumbles back to sofa, falls asleep, and snores loudly.) stunning today, don’t you agree? PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: Yeah, she only drank, like, two halves of it. 5 PRINCESS AMBROSIA: (Somewhat confused.) Well, yes, I guess you 5 KING: (Gets the genie lamp.) I know, I’ll rub the magic lamp, a genie do. will appear and help us fix everything. (Rubs lamp three times.) Oh, PRINCE HAIRGEL: I’m not sure you noticed my outfit. It is hand- powerful genie, please appear. (SOUND EFFECT: MAGIC. GENIE tailored out of the finest material. Of course, I do have to have pops up from behind the table.) Genie, help us. I wish that we all all of my clothes custom made to fit my incredibly large muscles. lived happily-ever-after. 10 (Flexes muscles and smiles.) 10 GENIE: (To KING.) Ah! (Kicks KING in shin and runs CENTER. Faces PRINCESS AMBROSIA: I notice that you have flowers.(Smiles.) AUDIENCE.) Ah! No, no, no. No more wishes. No more castles, or PRINCE HAIRGEL: Oh, I almost forgot. I brought these flowers for riches, or making people fall in love. Ah! Why are people always myself. Don’t they really bring out the color of my eyes? asking me for things? Nobody ever asks me what I want. You know what I want? Do you? I want people to stop asking me for what PRINCESS AMBROSIA: (Frustrated.) I suppose they do. 15 they want. Ah! Being a genie is such a thankless job. I quit! (Runs 15 PRINCE HAIRGEL: Could you hand me that brush and mirror over OFF.) there? (Points to table. PRINCESS AMBROSIA fetches the brush and PRINCE SLACKER: (To AUDIENCE.) A woman that doesn’t want to mirror. PRINCE HAIRGEL takes them, looks in the mirror, brushes his do anything, is tired of helping people, and just wants to be left hair, and completely ignores PRINCESS AMBROSIA. To PRINCESS alone? I think I’m in love. (Yells OFFSTAGE.) Oh, beautiful genie! AMBROSIA.) Excuse me, I need you to move over there. You’re 20 (EXITS, leaving smartphone on sofa.) 20 blocking my light. QUEEN: (Wakes up.) Why is Prince Slacker chasing a genie? PRINCESS AMBROSIA: I have never been so insulted in all my life. (Storms OFF. PRINCE HAIRGEL continues to admire himself as he KING: Dear, you’re awake! Well, you see… (QUEEN falls asleep again EXITS.) and snores. To PRINCESS PEPPERMINT and PRINCE HAIRGEL.) We can still make this work. We can still have happily ever after. Now, QUEEN: Next. (Rings bell for SERVANTS.) 25 Princess Peppermint and Prince Hairgel, please drink your potions. 25 SERVANT ONE: (ENTERS with SERVANT TWO.) Prince Slacker, (PRINCE (Carefully hands them their potions.) Princess Peppermint you get SLACKER remains on the sofa, playing on his smartphone. SERVANT the yellow one, and Prince Hairgel, you get the green one. I need ONE is thrown off a little.) I present to you the lovely— to check your mother’s notes. (Looks at fairy tale book and notes.) PRINCE SLACKER: (Still playing game.) Don’t even bother. I’m almost PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: Yours is green. I like green better. I bet it to the final level of Angry Peasants on my Royal Smartphone. 30 tastes like mint candy. (Reaches for PRINCE HAIRGEL’S potion.) 30 (Wanders OFF, totally engrossed in game. SERVANTS start to EXIT.) PRINCE HAIRGEL: Well, you can’t have it. (Guards his potion.) QUEEN: (Rings bell for SERVANTS.) One more try. PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: Look over there. Is that giant troll, like, SERVANT ONE: Princess Peppermint, (PRINCESS PEPPERMINT comes totally eating your Royal Hair Dryer? (PRINCE HAIRGEL looks, and forward.) I present to you the noble Prince Chowder. (SERVANT she switches their potions.) TWO plays horn.) 35 PRINCE HAIRGEL: Whatever. You’re so immature. This one looks 35 PRINCE CHOWDER: (ENTERS.) Greetings, beautiful princess. (Bows.) I better anyway. I like the way it glows all golden. do believe that destiny has brought us together, for I’m looking for KING: Okay, time to drink up and be happily ever after. (They drink.) a princess that will help me run my kingdom and be my true equal. Wait a minute. You mixed up the potions! PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: Equal to what? PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: I feel strange. (Staggers and falls behind PRINCE CHOWDER: Well, my equal. I mean equality. You and me. My 40 sofa. After a beat, she re-emerges as a frog, crouching down, 40 lovely buttercup. One plus one equals love. croaking, hopping, and sticking out tongue. [See PRODUCTION NOTES.])

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1 KING: The princess is now a frog! 1 KING: (To the QUEEN.) I hope this works. PRINCE HAIRGEL: (To KING.) You were going to turn me into a frog?! QUEEN: My darling, we shall see. (Rings bell for SERVANTS. They How was that going to help me? Frogs don’t even have hair. ENTER.) KING: Well, speaking of hair, you just drank your sister’s potion. It’s SERVANT ONE: Princess Cinnamon, (PRINCESS CINNAMON stands.) I 5 the Rapunzel Special. I’m sorry to say, but you might want to look 5 present to you the Duke of Cranberry. (SERVANT TWO plays horn. in the mirror in about 30 seconds. SERVANTS EXIT.) PRINCE HAIRGEL: I must find a mirror.(Runs OFF. PRINCESS DUKE OF CRANBERRY: (ENTERS, followed by CRANBERRY’S ASSISTANT, PEPPERMINT hops OFF, frog-like.) who carries large, heavy bags.) Pleased to meet you, my lady. KING: This is a complete disaster. (Puts his hands on his head.) PRINCESS CINNAMON: Yeah, whatever. What are you worth? 10 QUEEN: (Wakes up.) And my final point is that we should… (Falls 10 DUKE OF CRANBERRY: My lovely princess, I assure you I am an asleep again and snores.) extremely wealthy man. You see these bags my good assistant KING: I’m going to call the Enchanted Depot Customer Service number. carries? They are full of gold and jewels that I have brought as a NARRATOR: The King grabbed Prince Slacker’s Royal Smartphone, gift for you. (CRANBERRY’S ASSISTANT shows PRINCESS CINNAMON which he had conveniently left on the couch. (SOUND EFFECT: some of the gold and jewels.) 15 PHONE RINGING.) 15 PRINCESS CINNAMON: Not enough. Don’t insult me. Leave at once. PHONE OPERATOR: (ENTERS DOWN RIGHT, faces AUDIENCE. Wears an (DUKE OF CRANBERRY EXITS.) operator’s headset.) Greetings and welcome to Enchanted Depot CRANBERRY’S ASSISTANT: (Struggles with bags.) Are you sure you Customer Service line. Your call is important to us, so please don’t want this gold? listen to the following options. If you speak Old English, press 1. PRINCESS CINNAMON: Take it! 20 For a problem with a defective flying broom, press 2. If a dragon 20 CRANBERRY’S ASSISTANT: Do you have any idea how many stairs you purchased refuses to eat peasants, press 3. For all questions there are in this castle? It’s just that my back— regarding crystal balls and magic wands, press 4. If you are a king PRINCESS CINNAMON: Get out! (CRANBERRY’S ASSISTANT EXITS, whose attempt at a fairy tale has gone terribly wrong, press 5. struggling with bags.) KING: Wow, that was strangely specific. I’ll press 5. QUEEN: Okay, Princess Cinnamon, but surely one of these suitors 25 NARRATOR: So the king explained his problem to the customer service 25 will meet your needs. (Takes PRINCESS CINNAMON DOWNSTAGE representative. (KING very quickly and briefly mimes describing and gestures towards AUDIENCE.) There’s the Prince of Salisbury some of the fairy tale disasters.) Steak. He has a diamond mine. PHONE OPERATOR: That does sound like a problem. So let me get PRINCESS CINNAMON: Not rich enough. this straight, one daughter is now a frog, another one is in love with QUEEN: How about Baron von Split Pea? He is the heir to two kingdoms 30 a plumber from Hoboken, your wife drank a sleeping potion, one 30 in the north. son is chasing a crazy genie, and the other son drank a Rapunzel PRINCESS CINNAMON: Also not rich enough. And I do think I can Special? smell his breath from here. KING: That about sums it up. Please help! QUEEN: Look at that one. He is the Earl of Red Snapper. PHONE OPERATOR: I’ll send out one of our top repair fairies. Her PRINCESS CINNAMON: Definitely not rich enough and rather strange 35 name is Glitterbell. She travels fast. (PHONE OPERATOR EXITS.) 35 looking. Is that hair on his head or did a wild beast climb up there NARRATOR: They waited and soon the fairy arrived. and take a nap? Mother, none of these men are worthy of me. SERVANT TWO: (ENTERS with SERVANT ONE.) I present to you the (EXITS.) fairy Glitterbell. (SERVANTS EXIT. SOUND EFFECT: GLITTERBELL QUEEN: This is hopeless. (Rings bell for SERVANTS.) as a SMALL BEAM OF LIGHT APPEARS and moves about the stage. SERVANT ONE: (ENTERS with SERVANT TWO.) Prince Hairgel, (PRINCE 40 [See PRODUCTION NOTES.] Kazoo sounds are done OFFSTAGE for 40 HAIRGEL comes forward.) I present to you the lovely Princess her voice. Everyone looks on in amazement, tracking GLITTERBELL as she moves about the stage.)

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1 QUEEN: (Speaks.) We know they have issues, but really…! 1 KING: Glitterbell, thank you for coming. Do you think you can help? KING: (Speaks.) We’re at our wits’ end. We’ve given them everything! GLITTERBELL: (Kazoo sounds for her voice.) ROYAL THERAPIST: (Sings.) How could they end up this way KING: You do? Great. With parents so thoughtful and kind? GLITTERBELL: (Kazoo sounds for her voice.) 5 It’s like some tragic farce at play, 5 PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: (ENTERS hopping. Tracks GLITTERBELL with While their frantic antics drove me out of my mind! head movements. Looks at AUDIENCE, licks her lips, and smiles.) They insult as they humiliate, Ribbit. (Leaps, opens mouth, and eats GLITTERBELL. GLITTERBELL Berate, and bully while they bark and bait! SPOT OUT. Muffled kazoo sounds from GLITTERBELL.) Yummm. I’m quaking still from their aftermath, Ribbit. 10 While they’re prancing freely down their psychopath. 10 KING: Princess Peppermint, you ate the repair fairy! (Hits PRINCESS Not a shred of conscience, their manners stink! PEPPERMINT on the head with a rolled up parchment and chases Just show me the moat, and I’ll jump in the drink! her.) Bad froggy. Bad froggy. Or bad… princess… froggy. (PRINCESS I’ll end all this madness before you can blink! PEPPERMINT EXITS.) Now what are we going to do? Your four unruly, truly crazy, mean, and lazy royal brats 15 Have pushed this shrink right to the brink! (MUSIC OUT. Realizing PRINCE HAIRGEL: (ENTERS with extremely long hair that is past his what she’s said.) Oh, please don’t feed me to the Royal Dragon! 15 waist.) Yes, what are we going to do about this? (Holds up long, No. I’d rather be fed to the dragon than have to be in the same blonde locks.) I don’t think this is acceptable for a prince. I look room with your children again. Ah! (Runs OFF, screaming.) like a Wookie! QUEEN: Dragon? QUEEN: (Wakes up.) I kind of like it. (Smiles, falls back asleep, and 20 KING: What was she talking about? snores. PRINCE HAIRGEL EXITS.) QUEEN/KING: Princess Cinnamon. 20 NARRATOR: The king was devastated. The plan was a disaster. He flipped through the fairy tale book wishing things had gone better. KING: (Rubs chin.) So that’s what happened to the other therapists. Then he had an idea. QUEEN: What are we going to do? KING: I think I’ll order takeout tonight. I could really go for some fried KING: I don’t know, my dear. I don’t know. (They EXIT.) rice and egg rolls. End of Scene Two 25 NARRATOR: (Annoyed.) Then he had a more interesting idea that was ACT ONE actually relevant to the story. Scene Three – The Suitors Arrive KING: (Has an idea.) I could consult the Royal Magic Mirror. 25 Inside the Royal Castle. A hairbrush and hand mirror are on the table NARRATOR: The king called for the Royal Magic Mirror to be brought along with the handbell. MUSIC CUE 4a: “Haphazardly Ever After- to him immediately. (SERVANTS bring IN MAGIC MIRROR.) Reprise.” 30 SERVANT TWO: The Royal Magic Mirror, Your Majesty. (SERVANTS NARRATOR: (Sings.) The king and queen were foiled EXIT.) As the months so quickly passed. KING: Mirror, mirror who’s not wearing a dress, what should I do to fix 30 They worked hard to keep their lives harmonious, this mess? But their spoiled brood stayed acrimonious. MAGIC MIRROR: That’s the best rhyme you could come up with? So they planned to get them married off and fast. (MUSIC OUT. 35 (KING shrugs.) Well, to answer your question, there’s a glowing KING, QUEEN, and ROYAL CHILDREN ENTER. PRINCE HAIRGEL has flower that grows on the top of a far away mountain. It blooms a bouquet of flowers. PRINCE SLACKER carries his smartphone. The once a year and possesses a magical nectar that has the power to 35 ROYAL CHILDREN sit.) undo spells. However, the flower is guarded by three, fire-breathing QUEEN: Your father and I have arranged for several worthy suitors dragons. You will need to send your greatest warrior on an epic to come meet you. Each one of them has been hand-picked and 40 journey to retrieve it. would make a wonderful spouse.

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1 GENIE: (Runs ON chased by PRINCE SLACKER. Speaks as she passes 1 PRINCE SLACKER: (Stands and whines.) Why, why, why am I in this CENTER.) Stop chasing me! I just want to be left alone to be free! family? Why? Why?! (PRINCESS CINNAMON stands and pulls (EXITS.) PRINCE SLACKER down behind the sofa.) PRINCE SLACKER: (Stops CENTER and responds to MAGIC MIRROR’S NARRATOR: And there was fighting.(PRINCESS PEPPERMINT and 5 comments. Speaks to AUDIENCE.) Magic Mirror, did you just say 5 PRINCESS CINNAMON stand and box.) you were looking for the greatest warrior to go on an epic journey? PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: I’m prettier! MAGIC MIRROR: Yes, I did. Are you willing to go on this journey? PRINCESS CINNAMON: No, I’m prettier! PRINCE SLACKER: (Interrupts.) Don’t look at me. I’m a lover, not PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: I am! a fighter. (To GENIE, OFFSTAGE.) Oh, beautiful genie, come back. PRINCESS CINNAMON: I am! (PRINCESS CINNAMON and PRINCESS 10 (EXITS.) 10 PEPPERMINT drop behind the sofa.) KING: (To MAGIC MIRROR.) That does sound extremely difficult. Is NARRATOR: Eventually the king and queen came to check on the there another way? Royal Therapist. (ROYAL CHILDREN EXIT RIGHT as KING and QUEEN MAGIC MIRROR: (Speaks.) Let me think…Oh, yes, you could also ENTER LEFT.) read the instructions that came with the potions. (MUSIC CUE 10: QUEEN: Excuse me, Royal Therapist. We’ve come to check on your 15 “The Spell to End All Spells.”) 15 progress. (Hears struggling behind the sofa and looks. Shocked.) KING: (Speaks.) The instructions? (Picks up the instructions and flips Oh, my! Barnabas, come quickly! through them.) Ah, “Section 27-A: How to undo all spells.” Let’s KING: (Joins QUEEN.) What have the children done? (KING and QUEEN see. Okay, it reads, “Say the following line: help ROYAL THERAPIST to her feet. She is tied up with a large rope, (Sings.) Powers of goodness come to me and a handkerchief covers her mouth. KING and QUEEN help ROYAL 20 And set my family free.” (Following further instruction from the 20 THERAPIST hop to the front of the sofa and fall onto it. Mortified, book, he claps and spins. Nothing happens. Speaks.) Magic Mirror, KING and QUEEN quickly untie her. MUSIC CUE 4: “Pushed This why is it not working? Shrink Right to the Brink.”) MAGIC MIRROR: (Speaks.) Oh, wise king, turn the page, the spell ROYAL THERAPIST: (Stands, very disturbed and shaking, speaks.) Your continues. children, they’re evil. No, they’re worse than evil. They’re, they’re… 25 KING: (Turns the page, speaks.) Oh, this is rather involved. 25 beyond description… MAGIC MIRROR: (Speaks.) Just follow the instructions. (Sings.) My mind is muddled. My nerves are shot. KING: (Speaks.) Here, hold this. (MAGIC MIRROR takes the book and My brain befuddled. It’s got diddly-squat! holds it open so the KING can read it as he acts out the moves of My thoughts in tatters. My hair’s a mess the spell.) So I need to… I’m overwhelmed with waves of helplessness. 30 (Sings.) Snap twice and do a pirouette. 30 I can barely breathe. I can hardly think. Then, do it down cool like I’m a Jet. Your four unruly, truly crazy, mean, and lazy royal brats Hop three times on my biggest foot. Have pushed this shrink right to the brink! Freeze like a robot, stay put. QUEEN: (Speaks.) You must be exaggerating. They can’t possibly be Flap my gills in a fish impression. that bad. 35 Do four steps in a ballet progression. 35 KING: (Speaks.) Now, Mildred, you know they’re a handful. Throw your money in the wishing wells. ROYAL THERAPIST: (Sings.) I know psychosis and mania. Let out the joyous cheers and yells. I’ve treated those in Transylvania. Blow the trumpets and ring the bells. The worst neuroses, delirium, For the spell to end all spells. (Speaks.) Oh, for the love of Excalibur, Inside the Beggar’s Sanitarium. 40 are you telling me there’s more? 40 But your brood’s worse as they primp and prink! MAGIC MIRROR: (Speaks.) I’m afraid so, Your Highness. Your four unruly, truly crazy, mean, and lazy royal brats Have pushed this shrink right to the brink!

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1 PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: (Stands, speaks.) Oops, it looks like you 1 KING: (Sings.) Sing “Rumpelstiltskin” like an opera singer. (Does so.) tripped and fell on your Princess Cinnamon buns. Rumpelstiltskin. PRINCESS CINNAMON: (Speaks.) You already used that joke. Then, slap leather like a gunslinger. (PRINCESSES face off.) Hit the floor and do the Worm. 5 PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: (Speaks.) Well, it’s funny. 5 Then, change to the Gator, swim and squirm. PRINCESS CINNAMON: (Growls.) Grrr! (Speaks.) No, it’s not. (PRINCE Do your best Bruce Lee with some fancy kickin’. SLACKER wakes up from the commotion and stands.) Dance the Macarena and the Funky Chicken. (Speaks to MAGIC MIRROR in rhythm.) One more time! Do it with me now! ROYAL CHILDREN: (Sing.) Why, oh, why was I born into this family, KING/MAGIC MIRROR: (Sing.) Powers of goodness come to me 10 10 Tortured by my three siblings so clueless and lame? And set my/his family free. (KING and MAGIC MIRROR free dance, Their petty needs on and on ad nauseam to me. incorporating various moves suggested by the lyrics.) Those three all share the blame Throw your money in the wishing wells! For my anger, pain, and shame. Let out the joyous cheers and yells. We have nothing in common but two parents and a name. (MUSIC Blow the trumpets and ring the bells 15 15 OUT.) For the spell to end all spells. (MUSIC OUT.) ROYAL THERAPIST: (Moves between PRINCESSES.) Let’s just take a NARRATOR: As the king finished the last words there were lightning time out and try to explore what we are all feeling right now. bolts, grand plumes of smoke, and many other amazing effects that this production can’t afford. But then, all of a sudden, all PRINCESS CINNAMON: (PRINCESSES walk away from each other. the spells were undone. Princess Peppermint was no longer a PRINCESS PEPPERMINT sticks out her tongue and makes a face 20 frog, Prince Hairgel’s hair went back to normal, the love spell was 20 at PRINCESS CINNAMON.) You asked for it! (Lunges at PRINCESS broken, and the Queen woke up. PEPPERMINT, who grabs PRINCE SLACKER to use as a shield. ROYAL CHILDREN fight and eventually end up behind the sofa and mostly RELUCTANT FAIRY: (ENTERS throwing pixie dust. SOUND EFFECT: out of AUDIENCE’S view.) PIXIE DUST. ALL FREEZE.) Wait, wait, wait. I need to stop the story right here. ROYAL THERAPIST: (Pleads.) Please stop. Please! (Crosses behind 25 FAIRY ONE: (ENTERS with FAIRY TWO.) What are you doing? 25 sofa and is pulled OUT OF SIGHT into the fighting.) Ahhh. (ROYAL CHILDREN hold up comic book style signs reading “Wham!” “Pow!” FAIRY TWO: There is no need for fairy intervention. and “Bang!” SOUND EFFECTS: WHAM, POW, BANG to accompany RELUCTANT FAIRY: I stopped the story because we’re right back signs.) where we started. The nice king and queen are still stuck with NARRATOR: (To AUDIENCE.) Sadly, this continued for hours. There obnoxious, bratty children just like they have been all along. 30 was arguing. (PRINCESS CINNAMON and PRINCE HAIRGEL stand. 30 Nothing has been accomplished! They grasp opposite ends of a hairbrush and pull it back-and-forth FAIRY ONE: Oh, my young fairy friend. You are missing the point. as they argue.) RELUCTANT FAIRY: What point? PRINCESS CINNAMON: That’s my hairbrush! FAIRY TWO: The spells may be broken, but the experiences they had PRINCE HAIRGEL: No, it’s mine! will change them. 35 PRINCESS CINNAMON: I had it first! 35 FAIRY ONE: And sometimes experience is more powerful than magic. PRINCE HAIRGEL: Well, I have it now! (Pulls the hairbrush free and FAIRY TWO: Watch, my friend, as we let the story continue. We will makes a face at PRINCESS CINNAMON.) do our enchanted fairy dance and gaze upon the conclusion of PRINCESS CINNAMON: Grr! (Lunges at PRINCE HAIRGEL. Both fall our story. (Throws pixie dust on KING and QUEEN. MUSIC CUE 10a: behind the sofa.) “Fairies Dance.” FAIRIES ONE and TWO dance OFF.) 40 NARRATOR: There was whining.

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1 RELUCTANT FAIRY: (Speaks.) I do want to know what happens, but 1 PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: (Speaks.) Are you finished yet? I’m still not doing that foolish fairy dance. (Grabs a cookie from the PRINCE HAIRGEL: (Speaks.) You just don’t understand what it’s like to tray and EXITS, along with MAGIC MIRROR. MUSIC OUT.) be good looking. (Looks at his sister. Critical.) No, you really don’t End of Scene Two understand. 5 PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: (Speaks.) Why, you pom-ponous, air-gon-ate ACT TWO fool! (Steps closer to PRINCE HAIRGEL.) Scene Three – Magic in Reverse PRINCE HAIRGEL: (Speaks.) Exactly what language do you speak? KING and QUEEN become unfrozen from the pixie dust. PRINCESS CINNAMON: (Speaks to ROYAL THERAPIST.) The dragon is 5 QUEEN: (Wakes up.) What happened? getting hungry. KING: Darling, you drank some of the sleeping potion, but I managed 10 ROYAL THERAPIST: (Sings.) Come, come, let’s stop this fighting. to undo all the spells. It’s time to heal and start reuniting. (Speaks.) Let’s all just take a QUEEN: I feel great. I think I just needed some sleep. Wow, I haven’t deep breath and let your other brother speak. (PRINCE HAIRGEL felt this good since before the children were born. (Puts her hand and PRINCESS PEPPERMINT sit. ALL look at PRINCE SLACKER, who 10 to her head as if she remembers something bad.) Oh, I forgot is asleep and snoring.) about the children. (Sarcastic.) I bet they’re back to their original, charming selves, correct? 15 PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: (Speaks.) Prince Slacker, wake up! (Pulls pillow from under his head.) KING: I’m afraid so. Our attempt at a fairy tale with a happy ending was a complete failure. I’m sure the little monsters are somewhere in PRINCE SLACKER: (Wakes up. Drowsily speaks.) What? (Stands.) Wait, 15 the castle right now fighting or painting graffiti on the Royal Walls what time is it? Is it lunchtime yet? I’ll just have a Royal Large or torturing the Royal Dragon. Pizza with everything on it. (Looks around.) Oh, it’s my turn. Uh, 20 being a prince is… uh… let’s see… QUEEN: (Consoles.) Oh, Barnabas, we shouldn’t be too hard on ourselves. It was worth a try. And I had such an entertaining dream (Sings.) Being a prince is too much like working. that Princess Peppermint was a frog. My best skills are sleeping and shirking. I’m always late, then I procrastinate. 20 KING: Well, about that— I never know the time, and I never know the date. SERVANT ONE: (ENTERS with SERVANT TWO.) Your Highness, there are three very angry Enchanted Depot employees who say their 25 Keeping up with that responsibility repair fairy named Glitterbell never returned. Is nothing but a lesson in futility. You can keep the crown, and you can keep the rule. SERVANT TWO: Yes, and they are demanding to speak with you. I’d rather sip banana drinks by the pool. (Takes back the pillow, gets 25 KING: Oops, I think Princess Peppermint ate her. Send them in. comfortable, and goes back to sleep.) SERVANT ONE: I present to you the angry Enchanted Depot employees. 30 PRINCESS CINNAMON: (Stands, speaks.) Why are you so lazy? It’s so (SERVANT TWO plays horn. SERVANTS EXIT.) embarrassing. MOE: (ENTERS with POE and ROE. ROE carries a small bag.) We want PRINCE HAIRGEL: (Stands, speaks.) Well, at least he’s not mean, like Glitterbell back! you. 30 POE: This is an outrage! PRINCESS CINNAMON: (Speaks.) Who are you calling mean?! (Makes ROE: We demand action immediately! 35 a fist to punch him.) QUEEN: I’m sure we can get to the bottom of this. Where is Paola, or PRINCE HAIRGEL: (Speaks.) Watch the hair. And the nose. And Padme, or Pillar, or whatever her name is? (Rings bell and PAIGE especially the teeth. (Vain smile.) ENTERS.) Have you seen Princess Peppermint? PRINCESS CINNAMON: (Speaks.) Why, I ought to… Ah. (Frustrated, 35 PAIGE: I’m sorry, Your Highness, I have not. she crosses toward the sofa, but PRINCESS PEPPERMINT sticks out SERVANT ONE: (ENTERS. To the KING and QUEEN.) You have another 40 her foot and trips her.) visitor.

44 9 RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT

1 PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: (Sings.) 1 SERVANT TWO: (To the FAIRY TALE INSPECTOR, blocking her entrance.) I’m the best-est Princess Peppermint, Excuse me. You can’t just barge in and see the king. Besides, we More beautiful-er than her. like to do a horn thing when visitors arrive. She calls me “dumber, number two,” (Pronounces the “b” in dumber.) FAIRY TALE INSPECTOR: (Storms ON past SERVANTS.) I have the 5 But I’m more intelligent-er! (Imitates PRINCESS CINNAMON.) She 5 proper authority to investigate all fairy tales. bats her eyes, and then she struts her stuff. KING: Who are you? Flips her floppy hair! I swear that I have had enough. FAIRY TALE INSPECTOR: (Proud, authoritative voice.) I’m… (Motions It’s frustrating! Inflirt-er-ating! for SERVANT TWO, who plays horn.) …the fairy tale inspector. Her whole life’s full of flounce and fluff.(Speaks.) What kind of (Shows large notebook that reads “Charges.”) King Barnabas and 10 name is Princess Cinnamon anyways? 10 Queen Mildred, you face some very serious charges. There are PRINCESS CINNAMON: (Stands, speaks.) It’s better than Princess allegations of conducting a fairy tale without a permit, illegal Peppermint, you goofy, babbling candy cane. spells, attempting to turn a person into a toad… PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: (Speaks.) Well, why don’t you just sit your QUEEN: Well, actually it was a frog, and we think she’s back to normal Princess Cinnamon buns down and be quiet! now. 15 ROYAL THERAPIST: (Sings.) Now, now, let’s all be pleasant. 15 FAIRY TALE INSPECTOR: Ma’am, you still need a fairy tale permit No need to act like an uncouth peasant. for that kind of thing. There’s also a rumor that an unauthorized PRINCESS CINNAMON/PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: (Sing.) release of a genie has occurred. In addition, there are numerous Why, oh, why was I born into this family, violations that include fairy abuse, subjecting an audience to bad Tortured by my three siblings so clueless and lame? puns, and the blatant use of forced rhymes. And that’s just my 20 first page— 20 Their petty needs on and on ad nauseam to me. We have nothing in common but two parents and our name. MOE: None of this is answering the question of where Glitterbell is. ROYAL THERAPIST: (Keeps the peace. Speaks.) Let’s just give one (RELUCTANT FAIRY ENTERS and tries to sneak to the cookie tray.) of your brothers a turn. (PRINCESS PEPPERMINT sits. To PRINCE POE: I bet they have her lock up. HAIRGEL.) How about you, fine prince? ROE: We should look around and find her. 25 PRINCE HAIRGEL: (Speaks to ROYAL THERAPIST.) I don’t introduce 25 QUEEN: (Notices RELUCTANT FAIRY.) Look! That bug is back. myself. (Claps twice. SERVANTS ENTER.) RELUCTANT FAIRY: I’m not a bug. I’m a fairy, and I was hoping to get SERVANT ONE: (Speaks.) I present to you, Prince Hairgel. (Pronounces a few of those Royal Cookies. his name as “Prince Hair Gel.” SERVANT TWO plays horn.) POE: Aren’t you a little large for a fairy? PRINCE HAIRGEL: (Speaks.) The “i” is silent. Har-gle! (Pronounced RELUCTANT FAIRY: (Takes a bite of a cookie. With mouth full.) I’m just 30 with a soft “g” sound.) Please get it right. 30 a big boned fairy. SERVANT ONE: (Speaks.) Sorry, sir. (Over-pronounces.) I present to ROE: Maybe he ate Glitterbell. you, Prince Har-gle. (SERVANT TWO plays horn. SERVANTS EXIT.) QUEEN: No, my daughter the frog ate Glitterbell. PRINCE HAIRGEL: (Sings.) KING: (To RELUCTANT FAIRY.) Stop eating those cookies! (RELUCTANT I’m the dashing and spectacularly handsome prince, FAIRY defiantly grabs several cookies and runs.) 35 Unhappy from the jealousy I have to face. 35 SERVANT ONE: (Chases RELUCTANT FAIRY with SERVANT TWO.) Come And the jabs from all my siblings make me smart and wince. back here with those Royal Cookies! (RELUCTANT FAIRY and I can’t wait to get away from them and leave this place. SERVANTS ONE and TWO EXIT.) PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: (Stands and speaks.) Do we really have to, MOE: Where is Glitterbell?! like, listen to this? FAIRY TALE INSPECTOR: I need some answers, and I need them now! 40 PRINCE HAIRGEL: (Speaks.) Have I mentioned my hair? (Gives a model-style toss of his head then poses for the AUDIENCE with a smile.) Or my perfect teeth? 8 45 RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT

1 NARRATOR: (Everyone mimes arguing while NARRATOR speaks.) 1 attitude.) Now this is my first session with you— (MUSIC CUE 3: Everyone started to argue and fight. It was terrible scene. It was “Why Was I Born into This Family?”) pure Royal Chaos. That is, until a page named Paige noticed PRINCESS CINNAMON: (Speaks.) And probably your last. That’s something. (PRINCESS CINNAMON and EDDIE ENTER and act because I had the last three Royal Therapists fed to the Royal 5 as if they are in love. PRINCE SLACKER and GENIE ENTER on the 5 Dragon. And from the looks of you, I think the dragon will be getting opposite side and also act as if they are in love.) a meal pretty quickly. PAIGE: Wait a minute! Look. (Points to PRINCESS CINNAMON and ROYAL THERAPIST: (Sings.) I’m not so easily intimidated. EDDIE.) They look happy. (They see PRINCESS CINNAMON and I’m not someone you can scare. EDDIE giggle, in love.) I’ve come to see you rehabilitated, 10 EDDIE: …and then you finish attaching the pipes, you turn on the gas, 10 A need I see you all share. and voilà! That’s how you install a new, high-efficiency tankless PRINCE SLACKER: (Speaks. Aside.) Yeah, I’m totally going to tell Mom water heater. that you did that. PRINCESS CINNAMON: I just love it when you talk plumbing. Tell me PRINCESS CINNAMON: (Speaks.) If you do, I’ll tell Dad that you totally that shower fixture story again. took out the Royal Carriage without asking, crashed it, and blamed 15 PAIGE: And look over there. (Directs attention to PRINCE SLACKER and 15 it on the Duke of Beef Wellington. (PRINCE SLACKER and PRINCESS GENIE giggling and in love.) They look happy too. CINNAMON stand to fight. ROYAL THERAPIST interjects.) GENIE: I was so claustrophobic in that lamp. It was like the walls ROYAL THERAPIST: (Sings.) were closing in on me. I just couldn’t wait to get out, be free, and I see you acting with pent-up aggression. experience the world for myself. It’s very common these days. 20 PRINCE SLACKER: You totally complete me. 20 We’ll hear how you feel throughout the session, KING: (To QUEEN.) What is this? And find what’s caused your malaise.(Speaks.) Since we’ve QUEEN: (Shocked.) If I’m not mistaken, I think (Points towards PRINCE just met, I would like to get to know everyone and hopefully not SLACKER and GENIE.) they might be… in love. And I think they’re get fed to the Royal Dragon or any other Royal Beast. So let’s in love, too. (Pointing towards PRINCESS CINNAMON and EDDIE.) go around and calmly introduce ourselves and say why we are 25 KING: Princess Cinnamon, Prince Slacker, come here. (PRINCESS 25 unhappy. (PRINCE SLACKER lies down to sleep as the OTHER ROYAL CINNAMON, EDDIE, PRINCE SLACKER, and GENIE cross to the CHILDREN all stand to go first.) KING.) Please explain to us what is going on. PRINCESS CINNAMON: (Pushes her way to the front and sings.) PRINCESS CINNAMON: Mom, Dad, I have some big news. I’m the radiant Princess Cinnamon, PRINCE SLACKER: Well, I have some big news too. And none are worthy of me. 30 They come to woo, more “boo” than “coo.” 30 PRINCESS CINNAMON: You first. I’m bored with their poor flattery. PRINCE SLACKER: No, sister. You may go first. I need treasures, castles by the score. PRINCESS CINNAMON: No, brother. Please share your news. One offered three. I need at least a dozen more. (Takes out an PRINCE SLACKER: No, sister. It’s common courtesy that I let you go enormous diamond ring and places it on her finger. She struggles to first. 35 hold up her hand to show it.) 35 PRINCESS CINNAMON: My lovely brother, I yield the honor to you. Next one gave this trinket. QUEEN: (To AUDIENCE.) This is almost as annoying as when they were I think it just might work to stop the door… (Speaks.) Or… possibly fighting. (To ROYAL CHILDREN.) Princess Cinnamon, you start. a paperweight. (Puts ring away. Sits.) PRINCESS CINNAMON: Well if you insist. My news is that Eddie and ROYAL THERAPIST: (Speaks.) Thank you, Princess Cinnamon. (Looks I are going to get married! (Gleeful, to AUDIENCE.) I’m going to be 40 at PRINCESS PEPPERMINT.) Princess, would you like to go next and 40 a plumber’s wife! follow your sister?

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1 PRINCESS CINNAMON: (ENTERS.) I’m hurrying! Just get off my case 1 PRINCE SLACKER: Sister, that is my news too. already. PRINCESS CINNAMON: You are also going to marry a plumber? PRINCE HAIRGEL: (ENTERS.) You don’t have to be so bossy. PRINCE SLACKER: No, Genie and I are going to get married. PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: (ENTERS.) Yah, what’s with the whole (Air PRINCESS CINNAMON: What wonderful news! We shall have a double 5 quotes.) Royal-Servant-I’m-so-cool attitude? 5 wedding! PRINCE SLACKER: (ENTERS.) I was totally going to take a Royal Nap, QUEEN: (To the KING.) Are you sure the spell wore off? and now you’re making us do stuff. KING: I think so. SERVANT ONE: I present to you, the Royal Children. (SERVANT TWO PRINCESS CINNAMON: Yes, Father. This is the real thing. Once I starts to blow horn, but PRINCESS CINNAMON stuffs her hand in the saw the kindness in Eddie’s heart, and he gave me a ride in his 10 horn, cutting it off. ROYAL CHILDREN stand together. They all have 10 Hyundai, I just had to make him mine. (Smiles at EDDIE.) Besides attitude and are disrespectful. PRINCE HAIRGEL looks at himself you’ve got to hear him talk about plumbing. It’s fascinating. in a hand mirror and perfects his hair. PRINCE SLACKER plays on PRINCE SLACKER: For me, Genie and I just connected. Genie is tired his smartphone. PRINCESS PEPPERMINT smacks gum and pokes of working for others and granting everyone else’s wishes. She PRINCE SLACKER in the ear to annoy him. SERVANTS EXIT.) just wants to hang out and be free. That’s exactly what I’ve been 15 QUEEN: Children, this is the new Royal Therapist. (ROYAL CHILDREN 15 looking for in a girl. (Smiles at GENIE.) give the ROYAL THERAPIST fake smiles. They roll their eyes as soon GENIE: (Smiles at PRINCE SLACKER.) You’re so sweet to understand as she starts to speak.) me. ROYAL THERAPIST: It’s a pleasure to meet you. I look forward to PRINCESS CINNAMON: Brother, Genie, and darling Eddie, let us our journey of self-discovery together. (Extends a hand to ROYAL start planning this grand wedding. (PRINCESS CINNAMON, EDDIE, 20 CHILDREN, but none reciprocates. Awkward pause.) 20 PRINCE SLACKER, and GENIE start to EXIT.) PRINCESS CINNAMON: Whatever. FAIRY TALE INSPECTOR: (Forceful.) Wait. (ALL stop.) You forgot about QUEEN: Please behave for this nice therapist. (Holds out her hand to me, the Fairy Tale Inspector, and all of these charges. (Holds up PRINCESS PEPPERMINT and glares at her until she takes out her “Charges” book. Softens up.) Oh, who am I kidding, I can’t get in the gum.) Now sit, children. (Points to sofa.) way of love. (Rips up charges.) And if you are interested, I do have 25 PRINCESS CINNAMON: (Bratty.) Yes, Mother. (Sits.) 25 a license to preside over weddings. PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: (Fingers crossed behind her back.) We will PRINCESS CINNAMON: Yes, our new friend, please join us. (PRINCESS behave. (Sits.) CINNAMON, EDDIE, PRINCE SLACKER, GENIE, and FAIRY TALE PRINCE HAIRGEL: (Condescending.) Just like we always do. (Sits.) INSPECTOR EXIT.) QUEEN: That’s what I’m afraid of. (Looks disapprovingly at PRINCE PAIGE: Your majesty, I do believe there are more unexpected changes 30 SLACKER on his smartphone. Finally snaps her fingers and gets his 30 afoot in this castle. Look. (Points.) attention.) QUEEN: What’s this? (PRINCESS PEPPERMINT ENTERS, writing on a PRINCE SLACKER: What? Oh. (QUEEN firmly points again. He sits.) notepad that has diagrams and mathematical formulas on it.) QUEEN: (To ROYAL THERAPIST.) They’re all yours. Good luck. KING: Princess Peppermint, what on earth are you doing? KING: Yes, my brave soul, good luck. PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: Oh, hi, Father. I’m sorry, I was lost in 35 ROYAL THERAPIST: (Speaks to KING and QUEEN as they EXIT.) Thank 35 thought. you, but I’m a trained professional, I don’t need… (Sees ROYAL KING: (Surprised.) You had a thought? CHILDREN fighting with pillows and climbing on the furniture.) … PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: Yes, being a frog gave me a lot of time good luck. (Worried she is losing control.) Your Majesties, please to think, and I realized that I like to think. And once I started control yourselves. You must stop. Please… (Whistles loudly. thinking I couldn’t stop. I have so many ideas about how to 40 ALL stop.) Everyone, please sit back down (ALL sit, but still have 40 improve the kingdom. (Holds up notepad.) Here’s a diagram of a solar powered drawbridge for the Royal Moat. And here’s a

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1 sketch of a mathematical formula to improve the accuracy of our 1 PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: (ENTERS LEFT with PRINCESS CINNAMON catapults. I just love thinking. Father, I must learn more. And that pulling her hair, again unseen by KING and QUEEN.) Ouch! That’s is why I’m going to attend the Royal University and study advanced my hair. mathematics and engineering. PRINCESS CINNAMON: You could have fooled me. It looks like a 5 QUEEN: That’s wonderful. (Hugs PRINCESS PEPPERMINT.) 5 bird’s nest. Ever heard of bathing? (Kicks PRINCESS PEPPERMINT PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: The only problem is that ever since I was a on the shin.) frog, I have had a terrible stomachache. PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: Hey, don’t kick me! (Grabs PRINCESS QUEEN: (Concerned.) Call the Royal Doctor. My brilliant daughter is CINNAMON’S nose.) sick. PRINCESS CINNAMON: Ahhh! Let go of my nose! (EXITS LEFT with 10 PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: (Holds stomach.) Oh, I really don’t feel so 10 PRINCESS PEPPERMINT.) good… (Lets out loud burp and GLITTERBELL comes out of her NARRATOR: (To AUDIENCE.) Out of desperation and the desire to mouth. SOUND EFFECT: GLITTERBELL as her SPOT APPEARS again. have a happy family, King Barnabas and Queen Mildred called in Kazoo sounds are done OFFSTAGE for her voice. Everyone tracks another Royal Therapist. (Peers over glasses. To AUDIENCE.) Yes, GLITTERBELL.) you heard me correctly, I said another Royal Therapist. 15 GLITTERBELL: (Kazoo sounds for her voice.) 15 QUEEN: (KING and QUEEN move DOWN CENTER.) I sure hope this Royal MOE: Glitterbell! Therapist can help. The children have simply been unbearable. POE: You’re safe! It’s so good to see you. What’s that? KING: Yes, dear. I hope this one is better than the last three. (Rubs GLITTERBELL: (Kazoo sounds for her voice.) his chin.) I’m still not sure what happened to the other Royal Therapists. They never came back after their first sessions. POE: I know you were eaten by a frog. 20 QUEEN: They probably ran to a place far, far away from our four little 20 GLITTERBELL: (Angry kazoo sounds for her voice.) monsters. (SERVANTS ENTER.) POE: Well, I would be upset too. SERVANT TWO: Your majesties, the new Royal Therapist is here. GLITTERBELL: (Very angry kazoo sounds for her voice.) KING: Oh, good, please send her in. POE: Glitterbell, that’s really not appropriate language for a fairy, and SERVANT ONE: I present to you the Royal Therapist. (SERVANT TWO especially not for this play. 25 blows horn, and ROYAL THERAPIST ENTERS.) 25 GLITTERBELL: (Kazoo sounds for her voice.) QUEEN: Thank you for coming. ROE: Glitterbell, come in here so you will be safe. (Holds the bag ROYAL THERAPIST: Your majesties. (Bows.) I am here to serve you. open and GLITTERBELL flies in. [NOTE: ROE turns on light in bag to What is the problem, and how may I help? indicate that GLITTERBELL is in it. Bag remains illuminated.]) QUEEN: It’s the children. They’re just… Well they… I mean… They’re PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: I feel much better now. I’m so sorry about 30 so… Ahhh. 30 Glitterbell, let’s take her outside so she can get some fresh air. KING: (Puts hand on QUEEN’S back to comfort her.) I’ll just send for MOE: Excellent idea. (MOE, POE, ROE, and PRINCESS PEPPERMINT them. Royal Servants, please fetch the children. EXIT.) SERVANT ONE: Yes, your majesty. KING: And what has become of my other son, Prince Hairgel? SERVANT TWO: I’ll get the Royal Cattle Prod if necessary. (SERVANTS PRINCE HAIRGEL: (ENTERS without wig.) One thing hasn’t changed, 35 EXIT. SOUND EFFECT: CRASH.) 35 I still have fabulous hair. But that spell did make me temporarily look hideous, so I was given a glimpse into how you all must ROYAL THERAPIST: (Concerned.) What was that? feel every day. With that in mind, I’ve decided to share my gift of KING: (As if it happens all the time.) It’s the children. unbelievable handsomeness and put a little of it in a jar. I would ROYAL THERAPIST: Oh, my. (SOUND EFFECT: CRASH. SERVANTS like to introduce “Prince Hairgel’s Hair Gel.” Just place a dab in ENTER. They look frazzled as each of the ROYAL CHILDREN ENTER 40 your hair and unleash your inner Prince Charming. (Gives a model- 40 annoyed, whining to them.)

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1 Unlikely romance, 1 like stare to the AUDIENCE.) As a sample and a service to the And many a hitch and glitch. kingdom, I have already applied some Prince Hairgel’s Hair Gel to Tell me, how do you solve four problems like these? the Royal Servants. (Claps twice. SERVANTS ENTER with outrageous They can bring the strongest to their knees. hairstyles. They give the AUDIENCE model-like stares.) 5 Is there magic enough to pleasure and please 5 SERVANT ONE: Prince Hairgel’s Hair Gel. Poor Cupid who’s not so quick to appease? SERVANT TWO: Unleash your inner Prince Charming. Haphazardly ever after, PRINCE HAIRGEL: Don’t they just look phenomenal? A tale with no simple end. KING: Well, it is a unique look. There’s no magic kiss. QUEEN: Yes, “unique” is a good word choice. 10 It’s all hit ’n’ miss, 10 PRINCE HAIRGEL: I will be selling Prince Hairgel’s Hair Gel at my new So make a wish and pretend. Royal Hair Salon on the far side of the kingdom. Unfortunately, I KING/QUEEN: (Stand and sing.) Where did we go off the track? will need to move out and into a nearby castle. Goodbye, parents. They never want. They never lack. I will see you during the Royal Holidays. (EXITS with SERVANTS.) We gave them everything a soul could dream. QUEEN: (Happy.) He’s moving out. (Claps.) 15 They never felt a stinging hand, 15 KING: This is wonderful. An angry word, a reprimand. QUEEN: I still don’t know what happened. How did everything work We gave them wealth and love and self-esteem. (KING and QUEEN out? return to their thrones.) PAIGE: Excuse me, Your Highness, if I may be so bold to answer that NARRATOR/CHORUS: (Sing.) Haphazardly ever after. question. 20 We’re puzzled, confused, perplexed. 20 QUEEN: Pandora, please do. A king and a queen Caught up in between PAIGE: It wasn’t the magic that changed your children. It was the The mood of their brood… experiences they had that changed them. ALL: (Sing.) And bad attitude, QUEEN: (In awe.) You are very wise, how did you know that? 25 The frenzy and fits, PAIGE: (Proud.) I used the powers of observation. (Confesses.) And, The end of our wits! 25 between scenes I looked at the Narrator’s notes. Prepare yourself for all that happens… KING: (KING and QUEEN look at NARRATOR. Surprised.) Oh, I never NARRATOR/KING/QUEEN: (Sing.) …next! noticed the Narrator. ALL: (Sings.) Haphazardly ever after! (MUSIC OUT. CHORUS EXITS. QUEEN: (To NARRATOR.) My heavens, how rude of us. Narrator, would you like a cup of tea? 30 NARRATOR sits.) PRINCE HAIRGEL: (SOUND EFFECT: GLASS BREAKING. APPEARS 30 NARRATOR: (Embarrassed. Tries not to be drawn into the story.) LEFT, backing PRINCE SLACKER ON, poking him in the chest with No, thank you. (To AUDIENCE. Clears throat.) And so the Queen each word.) Get out of my room! (KING and QUEEN do not see them continued to praise the page named Paige. as this is in another part of the castle.) QUEEN: You have the kind of good judgment, work ethic, and keen 35 PRINCE SLACKER: It’s not my fault. You did it. I’m telling! listening skills needed to be a leader. I’m promoting you to Head 35 of the Royal Army. You are no longer a page named Paige. You are PRINCE HAIRGEL: Just stop touching my stuff! now a knight named Paige. PRINCE SLACKER: You are so obnoxious! (EXITS LEFT with PRINCE PAIGE: (To AUDIENCE.) She finally got my name right.(Smiles.) Thank HAIRGEL.) you, Your Majesty. (EXITS.) KING: It sounds like the children are at it again. NARRATOR: The king and queen were alone at last, and they smiled. 40 QUEEN: It sounds like we live in the Royal Zoo. 40 (KING and QUEEN smile at each other.) In the months and years to

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1 come, the king and queen enjoyed each other’s company in their 1 SERVANT ONE: (Speaks.) I present to you King Barnabas. peaceful castle. (KING and QUEEN sit. SERVANTS ONE and TWO SERVANT TWO: (Speaks.) And Queen Mildred. (Blows horn. KING and ENTER. SERVANT ONE carries a bonsai tree and clippers. SERVANT QUEEN ENTER. SERVANTS EXIT.) TWO carries a tray with a puzzle on it.) NARRATOR: (Sings.) Compassionate and kind, 5 SERVANT ONE: My queen, here is your bonsai tree. 5 Their love grew stronger day by day. SERVANT TWO: My king, here is your jigsaw puzzle. (SERVANTS hold They spread peace and harmony throughout the land items while QUEEN trims the bonsai tree and the KING works on As they ruled their loyal subjects hand-in-hand, the puzzle.) And simple pleasures occupied their mind. (KING and QUEEN sit KING: Look, dear, I completed my puzzle. Well, I’ll be a jester in a tutu! on their thrones. SERVANT ONE ENTERS with a bonsai tree and 10 It’s a picture of a cat hanging from a tree branch, and it reads, 10 clippers. SERVANT TWO ENTERS with a tray with puzzle pieces on it. “Hang in there, baby.” That’s so clever and funny! SERVANTS hold items while QUEEN trims the bonsai tree and KING QUEEN: And I do believe I’ve finished my bonsai tree.(SERVANTS EXIT works on the puzzle.) with trays.) KING: (Speaks.) Your bonsai tree is looking divine, my dear. KING: Oh, the joys of a quiet castle. QUEEN: (Speaks.) Thank you, darling. And it looks like you are making 15 QUEEN: Just a wise king. (Gestures lovingly towards KING.) 15 fine progress on that jigsaw puzzle. KING: And a brilliant queen. (Gestures lovingly towards QUEEN.) KING: (Places a piece in the puzzle. Speaks.) I got another puzzle piece QUEEN: Ruling a kingdom in peace and quiet. (MUSIC CUE 11: “Love in! (SERVANTS EXIT with items.) and Happiness.”) NARRATOR: (Sings.) NARRATOR: (Speaks.) Surprisingly, the king and queen also enjoyed They reigned through the years with grace and dignity, 20 their children and relished in their accomplishments. Princess 20 Much admired and adored, Peppermint graduated with honors from the Royal University. And everywhere they went, the crowds would cheer. (KING and PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: (ENTERS in a graduation cap and gown and QUEEN walk DOWNSTAGE and wave to the AUDIENCE as if they are holds a diploma. Speaks to AUDIENCE.) I’m humbled to be your their royal subjects.) valedictorian, and I pledge my future to the pursuit of knowledge KING: (Speaks.) It is a wonderful kingdom. 25 and the greater good of our kingdom. 25 QUEEN: (Speaks.) Yes, it is. (KING and QUEEN return to their thrones.) KING: (Speaks to QUEEN. Proud.) That’s our daughter. NARRATOR: (Sings.) There was only one thing wrong NARRATOR: (Speaks.) As for Prince Hairgel, surprisingly, his hair In this perfect fairy tale. gel made him one of the most successful entrepreneurs in the To be accurate, one thing multiplied by four, kingdom. And the four multiply the wrong by so much more 30 PRINCE HAIRGEL: (ENTERS, speaks.) I might be just one of the most 30 To the point where the royal couple’s best efforts successful entrepreneurs, but I’m definitely the best looking. All seemed doomed to fail. (CHORUS comes to life and joins the (Gives the AUDIENCE a model-like stare and perfects his hair with NARRATOR DOWN CENTER.) his hand.) NARRATOR/CHORUS: (Sing.) Haphazardly ever after. NARRATOR: (Speaks.) More importantly, he only occasionally graced It’s chaos from dusk to dawn 35 the castle with his presence. And of course there was a Royal 35 With potions and spells, Double Wedding. (ALL ENTER and stand in wedding formation.) Hellos and farewells, FAIRY TALE INSPECTOR: (Speaks, presiding over the wedding.) I now And mystical goings-on. pronounce you husband and wife, and husband and Genie. You Haphazardly ever after. may kiss your brides. (COUPLES kiss.) A mirror, a genie, a witch, 40 KING/QUEEN: (Sing.) Love and happiness, 40 Three fairies that dance, One simple little phrase,

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1 FAIRY TWO: (Takes the book.) No, our tale is not in this book, but this 1 Some people understand, book will be in our tale. And others, it dismays. RELUCTANT FAIRY: Our “tale is not in this book, but this book is PRINCE HAIRGEL/PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: (Sing.) in our tale.” Did you get that line out of a fortune cookie? I’m Love and happiness. 5 confused. 5 It’s so easy to say, FAIRY ONE: Wait and see, for the story is about to begin. But sometimes it’s hard to find RELUCTANT FAIRY: (To AUDIENCE.) It’s about time. When we’ve lost our way. FAIRY TWO: We must do the enchanted fairy tale dance to start the PRINCE SLACKER/GENIE: (Sing.) Love and happiness, story. (MUSIC CUE 1a: “Fairies Dance.”) Two things that can’t be bought. 10 FAIRY ONE: Yes. We must. (FAIRIES ONE and TWO start a fairy tale 10 It’s not a lesson that we learn dance.) Or something to be taught. RELUCTANT FAIRY: No, no, no… No enchanted fairy dance. (MUSIC PRINCESS CINNAMON/EDDIE: (Sing.) Love and happiness OUT. OTHER FAIRIES are disappointed.) And telling the whole story? Can come out of the blue, That sounds like a lot of work. How about we get a narrator? But only lasts forever when 15 She can tell the story, and we can occasionally interject wit and 15 You find the love that’s true. mischief. Besides, there’s some good food backstage. ROYAL FAMILY/GENIE/EDDIE: (Sing.) FAIRY ONE: What kind of food? Some things can feel like love RELUCTANT FAIRY: Grapes, crackers, fancy cheeses. When we’re underneath their spell. FAIRY TWO: Do they have Brie cheese? We consult the cards and the stars above, 20 But still it’s hard to tell. 20 RELUCTANT FAIRY: Yes. But when love comes with happiness, FAIRY ONE: This is a fabulous idea. You will know it to be real. FAIRY TWO: We’ll get a narrator. (FAIRIES ONE and TWO run OFF and You won’t have to think. It’s effortless wheel ON a dolly carrying NARRATOR, who is covered by a large box When it’s in your heart to feel. front that reads “Enchanted Depot.” FAIRIES take NARRATOR off the 25 ENSEMBLE: (Sing.) The love and happiness. 25 dolly and remove the box. NARRATOR is FROZEN.) It’s one thing we all pray FAIRY ONE: With a sprinkle of this magic pixie dust our story will For love and happiness. begin. (Throws pixie dust on the NARRATOR. SOUND EFFECT: PIXIE We struggle, search, and stay DUST. NARRATOR comes to life and picks up the script from the For love and happiness, chair DOWN LEFT as FAIRIES EXIT.) 30 What everybody needs. End of Scene One It’s why songs are sung and stories told. ACT ONE It’s what keeps us young as we grow old. Scene Two – The Royal Therapist It makes us whole and feeds our soul. 30 Inside the Royal Castle. It’s the stuff that fairy tales are all made of. MUSIC CUE 2: “Haphazardly Ever After.” CHORUS ENTERS in the dark 35 Love and happiness. and remains in a SOFT FREEZE, observing the scene like a GREEK Happiness and love. (MUSIC OUT.) (Wave to AUDIENCE as they CHORUS. EXIT.) Happily ever after! (LIGHTS FADE OUT.) NARRATOR: (Sings.) Once upon a time END OF MUSICAL 35 In a land far, far away, MUSIC CUE 11a: “Haphazardly Ever After—Curtain Call.” There lived a benevolent king and queen. (SERVANTS ONE and ENSEMBLE: (Sings.) Haphazardly ever after. TWO ENTER, carrying horns.) 40 We’re puzzled, confused, perplexed,

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1 A king and a queen HAPHAZARDLY EVER AFTER–THE MUSICAL Caught up in between The mood of their brood ACT ONE Scene One – The Fairies Arrive And bad attitude, 1 MUSIC CUE 1: “Overture.” 5 The frenzy and fits, The end of our wits! AT RISE: The great room of the Royal Castle. There is a large, fancy Haphazardly Ever After script on the NARRATOR’S chair. FAIRY Prepare yourself for all that happens next! MUSIC plays as FAIRIES ENTER, carrying their ever present wands Haphazardly ever after! (MUSIC OUT.) 5 and wearing small bags of pixie dust. FAIRIES ONE and TWO move about enthusiastically while RELUCTANT FAIRY walks casually and is confused about what is going on. FAIRY ONE throws pixie dust, and FAIRY TWO carries a book of fairy tales. FAIRY ONE: (To AUDIENCE.) Welcome, fellow travelers. We are fairies 10 here to guide you on your journey through this enchanted land. FAIRY TWO: It is a mystical land of wonder and merriment. Where we fairies— RELUCTANT FAIRY: Wait a minute. We’re fairies? FAIRY ONE: Yes, we are ethereal and magical fairies. We prance 15 through the woods, sing at the moon, and— RELUCTANT FAIRY: (Protests.) I don’t want to be a fairy. FAIRY TWO: (Annoyed.) Well, you are a fairy. (Continues to AUDIENCE.) The tale we are here to tell is about a king and queen. It is the tale of— 20 RELUCTANT FAIRY: As a fairy, does that mean I can fly? I’ve always wanted to fly. (Tries to fly unsuccessfully.) FAIRY ONE: We are flightless fairies. RELUCTANT FAIRY: I’m a flightless fairy! So, I’m like an ostrich or a penguin? 25 FAIRY TWO: Yes. RELUCTANT FAIRY: Being fairies, we must have some super powers. (Mimes.) Like amazing strength, or the power to read minds, or run incredibly fast. FAIRY ONE: (Stern.) We have the power to tell an enchanted story. 30 FAIRY TWO: (Cheery.) And sometimes cause a little mischief. RELUCTANT FAIRY: That’s not really as cool as super strength. (Takes fairy tale book from FAIRY TWO. Flips through book.) So, are we going to tell one of these stories? There are a lot of great stories in here. Snow White, Beauty and the Beast, Rapunzel. These stories are 35 awesome! (Points in the book.) How about Jack and the Beanstalk? Let’s do that one. I love the giant in that story. (Acts like a giant.) “Fe, fi, fo, fum, I smell the blood of…”(Looks at OTHER FAIRIES. They disapprove. Giant imitation fades.) …someone who’s no fun.

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PRODUCTION NOTES

PROPERTIES ONSTAGE ACT ONE Scene One: Royal Castle set–Sofa with pillows, two thrones, table with royal-looking tablecloth, handbell, chair or stool for narrator with large, fancy Haphazardly Ever After script on it. Scene Two: Royal castle set. Hairbrush, rope, handkerchief, signs reading “Wham!” “Pow!” and “Bang!” hidden behind sofa. Scene Three: Royal castle set. Hairbrush and mirror on table. Scene Four: Royal castle set. Scene Five: Royal castle set. Fly swatters and bug spray under sofa, tray of cookies, purple paper, and pencil on table. ACT TWO Scene One: Enchanted Depot set: Piece of wood across couch armrests covered with a sheet, bag of magic beans, basket of red and green apples, pumpkins, large bag of pixie dust, magic carpet, large bag with four potion bottles in it (blue, red, green, gold), various jars, bags and boxes marked spells, potions, magic, etc. Scene Two: Royal castle set. Fairy tale book, frog costume items behind couch, rolled up parchment, tray of cookies on table. Scene Three: Royal castle set. Tray of cookies. PROPERTIES BROUGHT ON ACT ONE Scene One: Fairy tale book (FAIRY TWO) Dolly (FAIRIES ONE and TWO) Enchanted Depot box front (NARRATOR) Scene Two: Tray with jigsaw puzzle pieces (SERVANT TWO) Bonsai tree, clippers (SERVANT ONE) Hand mirror, hairbrush (PRINCE HAIRGEL) Smartphone (PRINCE SLACKER) Gum (PRINCESS PEPPERMINT) Extremely large diamond ring (PRINCESS CINNAMON) Scene Three: Bouquet of flowers (PRINCE HAIRGEL) Smartphone (PRINCE SLACKER) Large bags of gold and jewels (CRANBERRY’S ASSISTANT) vi 53 RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT

Scene Four: SEQUENCE OF MUSICAL NUMBERS Shields (TEACHER TWO, PRINCE HAIRGEL, PRINCE SLACKER) Tray, teapot, teacups (SERVANT ONE) ACT ONE MC1 Overture ...... Instrumental Scene Five: Bonsai tree, clippers, spray bottle, cloth (SERVANT ONE) MC1a Fairies Dance ...... Instrumental Tray with puzzle pieces (SERVANT TWO) MC2 Haphazardly Ever After ...... Narrator, Royal Dress, flowerpot, torn teddy bear (PRINCESS CINNAMON) Family, Chorus Torn dress (PRINCESS PEPPERMINT) MC3 Why Was I Born into This Family? ...... Royal Therapist, Fairy tale book (FAIRY TWO) Royal Children Notepad, pencil (RELUCTANT FAIRY) MC4 Pushed This Shrink Smartphone, bag of chips, TV remote (PRINCE SLACKER) Right to the Brink ...... Royal Therapist Handbag with abacus, notepad, pencil (FAIRY GODMOTHER) MC4a Haphazardly Ever After–Reprise ...... Narrator Comb (PRINCE HAIRGEL) MC5 These Suitors Never Suit Me ...... Royal Children, Paper airplane (ROE) Duke of Cranberry, Hobbyhorse, satchel (SERVANTS) Princess Ambrosia, ACT TWO Prince Chowder, Scene One: Chorus Three brooms, genie lamp (POE) MC5a Haphazardly Ever After–Reprise ...... Narrator Fishing net with handle, enchanted paper airplanes (ROE) MC6 Unteachable ...... Teachers Gold coins (MYSTERIOUS OLD MAN) Enchanted paper airplanes (Thrown on stage by stage crew) MC6a Haphazardly Ever After–Reprise ...... Narrator Stack of coupons, coins (WITCH) MC6b Fairies Dance ...... Instrumental Genie lamp, receipt (SORCERER) MC6c Haphazardly Ever After–Reprise ...... Narrator Coins (RELUCTANT FAIRY) MC7 Does Somebody Hobbyhorse, coins (PAIGE) Need a Little Magic? ...... Fairy Godmother, Scene Two: Chorus Damaged golf club, golf ball on crown (KING) MC7a Haphazardly Ever After–Reprise ...... Narrator, Ensemble Bag containing four potion bottles (blue, red, green, gold), genie lamp, sheaf of paper, hobbyhorse (PAIGE) ACT TWO Smartphone (PRINCE SLACKER) MC8 The Enchanted Depot ...... Moe, Poe, Roe, Extremely long wig (PRINCE HAIRGEL) Mysterious Old Scene Three: Man, Witch, Small bag with light in it (ROE) Sorcerer, Reluctant “Charges” notebook (FAIRY TALE INSPECTOR) Fairy, Chorus Hair gel container (PRINCE HAIRGEL) MC9 The Fairy Tale Book ...... Queen Large notepad with diagrams and mathematical formulas, pencil, MC10 The Spell to End All Spells ...... King, Magic Mirror diploma (PRINCESS PEPPERMINT) MC10a Fairies Dance ...... Instrumental Bonsai tree, clippers (SERVANT ONE) MC11 Love and Happiness ...... Royal Family, Genie, Tray with puzzle pieces (SERVANT TWO) Eddie, Ensemble MC11a Curtain Call-Haphazardly Ever After .....Ensemble

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SETTING SOUND EFFECTS An enchanted kingdom, once upon a time. Magical sound effects are suggested whenever the fairies throw pixie dust, when Genie first comes out of the lamp, and whenever Glitterbell SET DESCRIPTION appears. With the exception of one scene, the entire play takes place inside In addition, the following sound effects are needed: Dragon roar, the great room of the Royal Castle. A sofa is CENTER, with the king’s glass breaking, crash, “Wham! Pow! Bang!” noises, rim shot, horse throne to the LEFT of the sofa and the queen’s throne to the RIGHT. A clip-clops, phone ringing. table with a royal-looking tablecloth is RIGHT. There’s a handbell on the A kazoo is needed for all of GLITTERBELL’S lines. table. A backdrop of a castle interior and various other items can be used to help embellish the set as desired. GLITTERBELL Enchanted Depot in ACT TWO, Scene One can be created by removing GLITTERBELL is portrayed as a spot of light. This can be done by using the thrones and placing a piece of wood across the armrests of the a follow spot, a laser pointer or a strong flashlight. The light should sofa. The sofa can then be covered by a large sheet to become a be projected on the backdrop, and the actors should track the spot display shelf. The table used in the castle can be moved closer to the of light and react to it. In ACT TWO, Scene Three, a small light can be sofa and used as the checkout counter. Various containers labeled placed in the bag that ROE carries. When GLITTERBELL enters the bag, magic, potions, spells, etc. should be placed on the sofa and table. A ROE can turn on the light to help create the illusion that the fairy is in large sign reading “Enchanted Depot” is LEFT. the bag. A chair or stool is DOWN LEFT for the NARRATOR and remains onstage COSTUME SUGGESTIONS for the entire play. FAIRIES: Colorful and bright fairy attire such as tutus or tunics with SYNOPSIS OF SCENES belts and tights. Each carries a wand and a bag of pixie dust. ACT ONE NARRATOR: Contemporary, professional clothing, reading glasses. Scene One: The Fairies Arrive KING and QUEEN: Traditional royal robes or capes, crowns. Scene Two: The Royal Therapist SERVANTS: Option 1—chain mail or tunics with a royal symbol and a Scene Three: The Suitors Arrive belt. Option 2—fairy tale/Renaissance style servant dress. Wigs Scene Four: Educating the Children for “hair gel” part in ACT TWO, Scene Three. SERVANT TWO always Scene Five: A Fairy Intervention carries a trumpet or horn. PAIGE: Simple fairy tale/Renaissance style dress or tunic. ACT TWO ROYAL THERAPIST, ROYAL TEACHERS: fairy tale/Renaissance style Scene One: Inside Enchanted Depot dresses or tunics with belts. Scene Two: A Fairy Tale Plan PRINCESS PEPPERMINT: Red and white fairy tale princess dress, Scene Three: Magic in Reverse tiara. Frog hat, costume or puppet for ACT TWO, Scene Two. (See PRODUCTION NOTE above.) Graduation gown and cap for ACT TWO, Scene Three. PRINCESS CINNAMON: Brown or rust fairy tale princess dress, tiara. PRINCE HAIRGEL: Fancy tunic with royal symbol, belt, sash adorned with metals, cape and/or crown. He is meticulously dressed to go with his vain personality. Wig with extremely long, blonde hair for ACT TWO, Scene Two.

iv 55

PRINCE SLACKER: Fancy tunic with royal symbol on it, belt, tie-dyed FAIRY GODMOTHER ...... top fairy tale contractor in 7 sash, cape and/or crown. His attire reflects his carefree, lazy the business attitude. MOE ...... head Enchanted Depot 18 DUKE OF CRANBERRY and PRINCE CHOWDER: Fancy tunics, belts, employee sashes, capes, crown for the prince. POE ...... Enchanted Depot employee 19 CRANBERRY’S ASSISTANT: Simple tunic. ROE ...... another 15 PRINCESS AMBROSIA: Fairy tale princess dress. PAIGE ...... serves the king and queen 19 MYSTERIOUS OLD MAN ...... planning a fairy tale with a bean 1 STAGE CREW: All black or possibly shirts with play logo. stalk MAGIC MIRROR: Wears dark colors and holds a large frame made WITCH ...... planning a fairy tale for a 3 out of cardboard in front of head and upper body. The frame has princess a solid center covered by tinfoil with a cutout for Magic Mirror’s SORCERER ...... planning an Arabian fairy tale 1 head. Fabric or rope handles can be attached to the back. EDDIE...... plumber from Hoboken, NJ 8 FAIRY GODMOTHER: Fairy godmother dress, magic wand, crown, tiara GENIE...... claustrophobic and tired of 4 or fairy godmother style hat. helping MOE, POE, ROE, PHONE OPERATOR: Matching Enchanted Depot PHONE OPERATOR ...... Enchanted Depot phone operator 3 purple and white tunics or work aprons. Phone operator also has GLITTERBELL ...... seen as a sparkle of light and 7 a headset. heard as a kazoo WITCH: Black evil-looking dress, witch’s hat. FAIRY TALE INSPECTOR ...... enforces fairy tale rules and 6 MYSTERIOUS OLD MAN: Earth tone or plain colored tunic, sash, beard, checks for permits cane or walking stick. CHORUS ...... as suitors, fairy helpers, shoppers, servants, and other extras SORCERER: Dark, mysterious-looking flowing clothing, sorcerer’s hat and/or cape. NOTE: See PRODUCTION NOTES for doubling suggestions for a cast as small as 19. GENIE: Harem pants, blouse with flowing sleeves, scarves, jewelry. EDDIE: Jeans, blue work shirt with “Eddie’s Plumbing” on it. FAIRY TALE INSPECTOR: Serious-looking, dark colored fairy tale clothing, cape. GENDER FLEXIBLE CASTING The roles of the Royal Family, Witch, Duke of Cranberry, Fairy Godmother, the three Fairies, Genie, Princess Ambrosia, Prince Chowder, and Eddie are gender specific. The remainder of the cast may be played male or female as needed. Some of the roles, such as the ROYAL SERVANTS, are written specifically male or female, but may be changed to suit your particular casting needs with simple pronoun changes.

56 iii RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT

HAPHAZARDLY EVER AFTER—THE MUSICAL FLEXIBLE CAST SIZE Other than the Royal Family, the servants, and the narrator, most roles Book by JEFF FLUHARTY only appear in a limited number of scenes, thus allowing for significant Music and lyrics by SCOTT DeTURK doubling. Haphazardly Ever After—The Musical can be produced with CAST OF CHARACTERS a cast as small as 19 with the following doubling: (In Order of Appearance) (Either) NARRATOR # of lines (Male) KING BARNABAS FAIRY ONE ...... enthusiastic; she loves being 24 (Female) QUEEN MILDRED a fairy (Female) PRINCESS PEPPERMINT (Female) PRINCESS CINNAMON FAIRY TWO ...... another; she also loves being 22 (Male) PRINCE HAIRGEL a fairy (Male) PRINCE SLACKER RELUCTANT FAIRY ...... he’s not happy about being 27 (Female) ENTHUSIASTIC FAIRY ONE, GLITTERBELL a fairy (Female) ENTHUSIASTIC FAIRY TWO, WITCH NARRATOR ...... dutifully tells the story 36 (Male) RELUCTANT FAIRY, DUKE OF CRANBERRY SERVANT ONE ...... Royal Servant who dreams of 19 (Either) ROYAL SERVANT ONE a bigger part (Either) ROYAL SERVANT TWO SERVANT TWO ...... another servant who also 11 (Female) ROYAL THERAPIST, FAIRY GODMOTHER, GENIE dreams of a bigger part (Female) PRINCESS AMBROSIA, A PAGE NAMED PAIGE KING BARNABAS ...... kind and noble king 92 (Male) PRINCE CHOWDER, SORCERER, EDDIE QUEEN MILDRED ...... kind and quirky queen 103 (Male) ROYAL TEACHER TWO, FAIRY TALE INSPECTOR, MYSTERIOUS PRINCE HAIRGEL ...... thinks he is gorgeous, 34 OLD MAN amazing, and wonderful (Either) MOE, CRANBERRY’S ASSISTANT, STAGE CREW TWO PRINCE SLACKER ...... thinks being a prince is way 29 (Either) POE, MAGIC MIRROR, STAGE CREW ONE too hard (Either) ROE, ROYAL TEACHER ONE, PHONE OPERATOR PRINCESS PEPPERMINT ...... bratty and not very smart 38 Of course, a cast of any size between 19 and 35 is possible by PRINCESS CINNAMON ...... bratty and mean 53 following only some of these doubling suggestions. For a breakdown of characters by scene, consult the Director’s Book. ROYAL THERAPIST ...... naïve; thinks she can help the 10 Royal Family PRINCESS PEPPERMINT TURNING INTO A FROG DUKE OF CRANBERRY ...... courts the Princess Cinnamon 2 In ACT TWO, Scene Two, PRINCESS PEPPERMINT turns into a frog. CRANBERRY’S ASSISTANT ...helps the Duke of Cranberry 2 This can be done several ways. The simplest way is to have PRINCESS PRINCESS AMBROSIA ...... looking for her prince 4 PEPPERMINT physically act like a frog with no costume change. Another PRINCE CHOWDER ...... courts Princess Peppermint 3 option is to have a frog hat, mask, puppet, or simple costume hidden behind the sofa. When PRINCESS PEPPERMINT goes behind the sofa, ROYAL TEACHER ONE ...... tries to educate the Royal 6 she then emerges as a frog. Children ROYAL TEACHER TWO ...... another 7 STAGE CREW ONE ...... ends up in the play 2 STAGE CREW TWO ...... another 2 MAGIC MIRROR ...... magic mirror with pizzazz 12

ii 57 RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT

FORMS & TOOLS

Character/Scene Breakdown Audition Application Audition Notes Casting Contact Information Rehearsal Schedule Lighting Cues Sound Cues Props List

[Please feel free to reproduce these forms as needed for your production.]

CHARACTER/SCENE BREAKDOWN

HAPHAZARDLY EVER ACT ONE ACT TWO AFTER - THE MUSICAL Scene 1 Scene 2 Scene 3 Scene 4 Scene 5 Scene 1 Scene 2 Scene 3 FAIRY ONE X X X X FAIRY TWO X X X X RELUCTANT FAIRY X X X X X NARRATOR  X X X X X X X SERVANT ONE X X X X  X SERVANT TWO X   X X X KING BARNABAS X X X X X QUEEN MILDRED X X X X X PRINCE HAIRGEL X X X X X X PRINCE SLACKER X X X X X X PRINCESS PEPPERMINT X X X X X X PRINCESS CINNAMON X X X X X X ROYAL THERAPIST X DUKE OF CRANBERRY X CRANBERRY’S ASSISTANT X PRINCESS AMBROSIA X PRINCE CHOWDER X ROYAL TEACHER ONE X ROYAL TEACHER TWO X STAGE CREW ONE X STAGE CREW TWO X MAGIC MIRROR X X FAIRY GODMOTHER X X MOE X X X POE X X X ROE X X X PAIGE X X X X MYSTERIOUS OLD MAN X WITCH X SORCERER X EDDIE X X GENIE X X PHONE OPERATOR X GLITTERBELL X X FAIRY TALE INSPECTOR X  = APPEARS, BUT DOES NOT X = APPEARS IN SCENE HAVE LINES NOTE: Characters appearing in scenes only as part of the musical numbers are not listed on this chart. Please refer to the Sequence of Musical Numbers to see which characters are involved in each number.

HAPHAZARDLY EVER AFTER THE MUSICAL AUDITION APPLICATION

Name: Phone:

Male Female Age: Grade:

Parent/Guardian: Phone:

Are you willing to accept any role? Yes No

Which roles are you most interested in? (circle all that apply):

FAIRY RELUCTANT FAIRY NARRATOR SERVANT

KING BARNABAS QUEEN MILDRED PRINCE HAIRGEL PRINCE SLACKER

PRINCESS PEPPERMINT PRINCESS CINNAMON ROYAL THERAPIST DUKE OF CRANBERRY

CRANBERRY’S ASSISTANT PRINCES AMBROSIA PRINCE CHOWDER ROYAL TEACHER

STAGE CREW MAGIC MIRROR FAIRY GODMOTHER MOE

POE ROE PAIGE MYSTERIOUS OLD MAN

WITCH SORCERER EDDIE GENIE

PHONE OPERATOR GLITTERBELL FAIRY TALE INSPECTOR CHORUS

Casting Agreement:

I agree to play any role assigned to me without complaint. In doing so, I also agree to wear the costumes, wig, or hairstyle of the director’s choosing.

Student Signature: Date:

Attendance Agreement:

By accepting a role, I agree to attend all mandatory rehearsals and performances for Haphazardly Ever After- The Musical as defi ned by the rehearsal schedule. I also agree to abide by all theater rules while at rehearsals and performances.

Student Signature: Date:

Parent Agreement:

I understand the commitments required for my child to participate in Haphazardly Ever After-The Musical, including attendance at all mandatory rehearsals and performances as defi ned by the rehearsal schedule, and agree to support my child’s involvement in this activity by ensuring that they are in attendance when necessary.

Parent Signature: Date:

AUDITION NOTES

Character # of lines

Fairy One 24

Fairy Two 22

Reluctant Fairy 27

Narrator 36

Servant One 19

Servant Two 11

King Barnabas 92

Queen Mildred 103

Prince Hairgel 34

Prince Slacker 29

Princess Peppermint 38

Princess Cinnamon 53

AUDITION NOTES CONT. Character # of lines

Royal Therapist 10

Duke of Cranberry 2

Cranberry’s Assistant 2

Princess Ambrosia 4

Prince Chowder 3

Royal Teacher One 6

Royal Teacher Two 7

Stage Crew One 2

Stage Crew Two 2

Magic Mirror 12

Fairy Godmother 7

Moe 18

Poe 19

Roe 15

Paige 19

Mysterious Old Man 1

AUDITION NOTES CONT. Character # of lines

Witch 3

Sorcerer 1

Eddie 8

Genie 4

Phone Operator 3

Glitterbell 7

Fairy Tale Inspector 6

Chorus n/a

CASTING

Character Actor

Fairy One

Fairy Two

Reluctant Fairy

Narrator

Servant One

Servant Two

King Barnabas

Queen Mildred

Prince Hairgel

Prince Slacker

Princess Peppermint

Princess Cinnamon

Royal Therapist

Duke of Cranberry

Cranberry’s Assistant

Princess Ambrosia

Prince Chowder

Royal Teacher One

Royal Teacher Two

Stage Crew One

CASTING CONT.

Character Actor

Stage Crew Two

Magic Mirror

Fairy Godmother

Moe

Poe

Roe

Paige

Mysterious Old Man

Witch

Sorcerer

Eddie

Genie

Phone Operator

Glitterbell

Fairy Tale Inspector

Chorus

CONTACT INFO

Name: Phone: Fairy One Parent: Phone: Email:

Name: Phone: Fairy Two Parent: Phone: Email:

Name: Phone: Reluctant Fairy Parent: Phone: Email:

Name: Phone: Narrator Parent: Phone: Email:

Name: Phone: Servant One Parent: Phone: Email:

Name: Phone: Servant Two Parent: Phone: Email:

Name: Phone: King Barnabas Parent: Phone: Email:

Name: Phone: Queen Mildred Parent: Phone: Email:

Name: Phone: Prince Hairgel Parent: Phone: Email:

Name: Phone: Prince Slacker Parent: Phone: Email:

Name: Phone: Princess Peppermint Parent: Phone: Email:

Name: Phone: Princess Cinnamon Parent: Phone: Email:

CONTACT INFO. CONT.

Name: Phone: Royal Therapist Parent: Phone: Email:

Name: Phone: Duke of Cranberry Parent: Phone: Email:

Name: Phone: Cranberry’s Assistant Parent: Phone: Email:

Name: Phone: Princess Ambrosia Parent: Phone: Email:

Name: Phone: Prince Chowder Parent: Phone: Email:

Name: Phone: Royal Teacher One Parent: Phone: Email:

Name: Phone: Royal Teacher Two Parent: Phone: Email:

Name: Phone: Stage Crew One Parent: Phone: Email:

Name: Phone: Stage Crew Two Parent: Phone: Email:

Name: Phone: Magic Mirror Parent: Phone: Email:

Name: Phone: Fairy Godmother Parent: Phone: Email:

Name: Phone: Moe Parent: Phone: Email:

Name: Phone: Poe Parent: Phone: Email:

CONTACT INFO. CONT.

Name: Phone: Roe Parent: Phone: Email:

Name: Phone: Paige Parent: Phone: Email:

Name: Phone: Mysterious Old Man Parent: Phone: Email:

Name: Phone: Witch Parent: Phone: Email:

Name: Phone: Sorcerer Parent: Phone: Email:

Name: Phone: Eddie Parent: Phone: Email:

Name: Phone: Genie Parent: Phone: Email:

Name: Phone: Phone Operator Parent: Phone: Email:

Name: Phone: Glitterbell Parent: Phone: Email:

Name: Phone: Fairy Tale Inspector Parent: Phone: Email:

Name: Phone: Chorus Parent: Phone: Email:

Name: Phone: Parent: Phone: Email:

Name: Phone: Parent: Phone: Email:

CONTACT INFO. CONT.

Name: Phone: Chorus Parent: Phone: Email:

Name: Phone: Parent: Phone: Email:

Name: Phone: Parent: Phone: Email:

Name: Phone: Parent: Phone: Email:

Name: Phone: Parent: Phone: Email:

Name: Phone: Parent: Phone: Email:

Name: Phone: Parent: Phone: Email:

Name: Phone: Parent: Phone: Email:

Name: Phone: Crew Members Parent: Phone: Email:

Name: Phone: Parent: Phone: Email:

Name: Phone: Parent: Phone: Email:

Name: Phone: Parent: Phone: Email:

Name: Phone: Parent: Phone: Email:

REHEARSAL SCHEDULE

Sunday Monday Tuesday Wednesday Th ursday Friday Saturday Week 1 Week Week 2 Week Week 3 Week Week 4 Week Week 5 Week Week 6 Week Week 7 Week Week 8 Week

LIGHTING CUES

Page Cue Eff ect Required

SOUND CUES

Page Cue Eff ect Required

PROPS LIST

Location Brought on Page Item Stage Stage Onstage Right L e ft by Actor