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The Anchor: 2011 The Anchor: 2010-2019

3-30-2011

The Anchor, Volume 124.20: March 30, 2011

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Recommended Citation Repository citation: Hope College, "The Anchor, Volume 124.20: March 30, 2011" (2011). The Anchor: 2011. Paper 9. https://digitalcommons.hope.edu/anchor_2011/9 Published in: The Anchor, Volume 124, Issue 20, March 30, 2011. Copyright © 2011 Hope College, Holland, Michigan.

This News Article is brought to you for free and open access by the The Anchor: 2010-2019 at Hope College Digital Commons. It has been accepted for inclusion in The Anchor: 2011 by an authorized administrator of Hope College Digital Commons. For more information, please contact [email protected]. Vol. 124 No. 20

March 30, 1866 w Since 1866 “ye ole RAnchor” Epoh w Holland, Michigan

Doc Brown here! Rumor has it that you want to learn about the history of Epoh College? Well, Great Scott, let’s hop in my DeLorean and get started! First stop, the 1860s when Epoh was getting its start in Danlloh, Chim... Scandalous attire on campus Fifty cent tuition hike angers Epoh students Rachel Berry Your Average Teenage Dream Epoh College recently an- nounced its first tuition in- crease in the history of the col- lege. Tuition will increase from $10 to $10.50 in the 1880-81 school year. The administration cites ris- ing coal and labor costs for the increase. The college is also in- terested in setting aside funds to possibly expand the college to two buildings in the coming years, providing some relief to the crowded Van Vleck Hall. “We want to continue pro- viding the best education at for them to buy coal. Have the Photo by Cindy Lou Who Epoh possible,” said President janitors go mine it themselves,” The right to bare ankles— Epoh female students have bucked a long-standing tradi- Selrahc Ttoct in his address to said Barb E. Dahl (’82). tion of modesty and dignity. The female students above were not courageous enough to attach students. “Raising tuition was Brighton Early (’81) agreed their faces to their shameless act of rebellion but Epoh administrators have promised a swift and our only option to keeping stu- with Dahl, but added, “I think appropriate punishment to any female students caught flashing their ankles on campus grounds. dents warm in the winter and my parents can swing the extra Dnalloh police have also been instructed to report any Epoh students engaging in suspicious the complex clean and tidy.” 50 cents, but I know that many activity. Students are not thrilled students are upset and left the about the increase, believing address worried. Some were Market Square with their an- When questioned about a re- that Epoh already costs too crying. I feel terrible for those Elphaba kles—yes, their ankles—exposed. cent revision of the little known much to begin with. that can’t afford it.” The Green Monster This outrageous behavior goes Policy for Student Dress, the “I can’t believe that Ttocs “Maybe there will be more against the principles Epoh was president declined to comment. has increased our tuition. 50 scholarships this way,” said A disturbing trend has beset founded on. The 17 students of Epoh seem cents is three months pay. Crystal Ball (’83). ‘Epoh can be Epoh College in the past days, “The fact that these females to have mixed feelings about the There must be some other way see Tuition, page 2 weeks, months and yes, even consider themselves above the new policy. Many of the protest- years. The female students of this rules and standards of propriety ers are female. institution are shamefully engag- deeply saddens me,” a still-shak- “Why should the men of this Beginnings of a rivalry? ing in scandalous attire. en Dr. Nav Etlaar said. fine institution be permitted to Reporter witnesses Epoh-Nivlac faceoff On Oct. 3, Epoh founder Dr. “There has been general unrest expose a sliver of their shins when Sutrebla X. Nav Etlaar noticed a amongst our growing student the garter fails and yet I am called Mr. Shankly spirited ne’er-do-well,” said gaggle of female students striding body about the school’s policy on see Attire, page 2 A Sickening Wreck Arthur, the blue and orange through the recently renamed dress.” It appears that this reporter bedecked hero. “My father, Ye has landed himself in the 1860s Olde President Namtlub, is the via his time-trouncing device. I head of this establishment and Non-Dutch minority growing do hope that my very presence he will see that you and your fel- here has no pernicious effect on low brown and yellow clothed Rachel Berry “We find it very important to identify with the Reformed the veritable progression of his- hooligans are indefinitely ban- Your Average Teenage Dream have non-Dutch students in the Church of America, there are ap- tory. Instead I hope that I can ished from these grounds.” college. The class of 1869 has proximately 5 out of 40 students m e r e l y “I hold Epoh College will celebrate a German student, two Irish who are of some other Christian gain in- great fault its fifth commencement cer- students and a Japanese stu- denomination, such as Christian s i g h t with you,” emony this Sunday at the local dent. Epoh prides itself on be- Reformed. into the said Frank- Reformed church. The class of ing a place where everyone is “Though we are a school n o b l e lin, the rival 1869 has 10 students, four of welcome,” said President Pilihp rooted in the Reformed church, hi stor y trespasser. whom are non-Dutch. Splehp. we welcome those of all faith of this “You have The college prides itself on its Epoh’s diversity hasn’t been backgrounds. We feel as if their d e a r d e b a s e d diversity. The first Epoh graduat- without struggle. Many students perspectives help our students co l l e g e the good ing class was one-third Japanese. can attest to the occasional strain to see God in all people,” added that I at- name of my Each concurrent class has had between students. Splehp. tend. Up mother in an important element of diver- “I don’t have a problem going Students are perhaps more ahead I think I may be viewing your slan- sity, with students from different to school with non-Dutch stu- enthusiastic about religious and an event of some significance. derous attempt at wit.” backgrounds. dents, but I know some of my cultural diversity at Epoh than Two gentlemen, one adorned “You are simply angry be- Though the Holland commu- friends find it difficult to under- the administration. Many stu- in shades that hold a verisimili- cause the fair lady that you nity is almost 95% Dutch, Epoh stand other students’ cultures, dents have expressed interest in tude to human waste, and the once sought to court has in- continues to attract students of especially when they don’t share having students of non-Europe- other in noble blue and orange stead transferred, and accepted other ethnic backgrounds to the our same religious convictions,” an descent and other religions at garb. They appear to be -em my hand in marriage. As cus- college. This creates a vibrant said Gene Poole (’70). the college. barking on a heated dispute. I tom decrees, we will wed rap- learning community where stu- Poole brings up an important “I like learning about other will transcribe their exchange idly, prior to our exit from this dents are able to learn from each diversity issue at the college: re- see Diversity, page 2 for posterity. fine establishment of learning,” other’s cultures. ligion. Though most students “Begone from here you ill- said Arthur. see Rivalry, page 2 What’s Inside Outside Epoh 3 Artsless 4 Serutaef 5 Classifieds 6 Strops 8 Got a story idea? Well don’t bother using email or the phone! They haven’t been invted yet! 2 The Ranchor News from the olden days March 30, 1882 Happenings About Campus Tuition increases, student Omsoc, Amgis follow cotillion To Be Held protests turn violent Lanretraf as Social Clubs Debutantes, it’s that time w TUITION, from page 1 Cindy Lou Who literary society has fructified life Saved Christmas of year again. Time to find a on campus. nice gentleman to escort you to be pretty stingy.” about these activities, President President Namtlub declared, our formal dance. This can be In response to the increase, Ttocs said, “I don’t know who This spring, the Lanretarf “If I were a student at Epoh, I particularly difficult considering some students are organizing a these students are, but they have literary club was forced to turn would join this organization in a there are only five gentlemen protest. Signs have been found no right to protest such logical away potential new members for heartbeat; I love what they stand currently attending our fine in the library and dining hall. measures. The increase is - nec initiation into the organization. for and what they do. There school. No sultry dancing lest you However, it is not clear who is essary and it’s going to happen. “We’ve simply is word of a similar burn in eternal hellfire. responsible or what exactly they There’s nothing more to dis- gotten too large, group buzzing, and have planned. cuss.” and we cannot AKΦ I will support the Sleigh Rides When asked to comment allow every man creation of another in who wishes healthy, intellectual Remember, if you need a ride to serve this “Unity group of young men.” around the campus grounds long Women of Epoh stand up to brotherhood. We through While Lanretarf past sunset, there will be a dodgy hate to be the Diversity” remains primarily gentleman offering sleigh rides discrimination by lifting their skirts bad guys, but it Dutch, the new to your place of residence. In had to happen,” an organization literary club (unofficially titled addition there will be horse and w ATTIRE, from page 1 consider rescinding the policy. member said about the turn of Omsoc) seeks to promote buggy rides offered to the general A similar protest occurred on events. “Unity through Diversity.” Their store and apothecary in town. the campus of Nivlac College Historic, intellectual and goal is to accept new members a harlot when the wind blows my last semester; the six students in- cohesive, the Lanretarf men’s regardless of ethnicity. They still Feats of Strength skirt up?” asked Meredith Van volved were led away with ropes literary club was founded in 1834. need official approval from Epoh Tassel (’78). tied around the ankles to ensure Since its founding, Epoh College administration but hope to be A handful of gentlemen will Male students seem to be no exposed skin. Van Tassel has has diversified exponentially instated by 1890. be conducting a game of tug of largely in support of the policy, high hopes that the Epoh faculty (several non-Dutch students The students behind Omsoc war. They encourage others to stating that the female form is will understand her intentions. have recently enrolled). With said, “We like what Lanretarf has view this light-hearted athletic a constant distraction and they “I do not take issue with any- this diversity comes a need of done for this college. It provides contest and value the sportsmanly feel that they will be closer to one at this wonderful college,” more organizations for men of an outlet of creativity, as well fun. They sincerely hope that no God if the female form is not a she said. “I merely demand the the Lanretarf nature. Lanretarf as a means of socialization. one in the future will take this constant distraction. right to dress in the manner that I has adopted the motto, “The Forming Omsoc will make this tradition far too seriously. A protest has been scheduled deem appropriate. The discrimi- Few and Chosen,” and has thus opportunity available to more for Wednesday in the forested nation against the female form is decided they have the sole students. It can only be a positive area of campus with the pine backwards and it is time for the power to choose men for their thing.” Campus foxhunt trees just west of VanVleck. Van members of Epoh to appreciate organization. While the women of Epoh Tassel, along with three other fe- what both men and women can While their choosing of remain few in number, there We’ve imported these adorable male students, plans to raise her offer.” certain individuals has potential have already been murmurs of a creatures just so you can celebrate skirt and reveal her ankles until to cause an uproar, those who similar club starting for women. the noble art of the hunt. the four Epoh faculty members were turned down have chosen Farther behind in the process, to begin a new organization. The these women hope to instate college supports growth in this Samgis by 1906. arena, as the results of a Greek
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'-:*/( Christian faiths. I think it brings As Epoh celebrates com- us all together more,” said Harry mencement and looks forward Beard (’72). to graduating more diverse hey flying dutchmen! when it’s time for a break, fly into “Though I enjoy going to classes every year, there is much buffalo wild wings, where every day is a special day. Epoh, I wish we had more stu- to be proud of in the Epoh com- dents, maybe some of color or of munity regarding the diversity 56&4%": a non-Protestant religion,” said a and acceptance of all students. ‚
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lin. already learned some very inter- “It is now settled you artless esting things about the history of )0--"/% and tottering beef-witted brute. this college I wonder what else I  We are eternal rivals, and our will find as I continue to jump academic descendents will en- through time. facebook.com/bwwholland sure that the flame of this ever- lasting hatred burns strong in BWW1499_Hope_College_Ad.indd 1 10/1/10 10:07:00 AM March 30, 1920 The Ranchor 3 Outside Epoh From 1900-1920

We’re in the 1900s now, but be careful, you don’t “Fordism” spells prosperity for Toirted Annie Oakley Who would want to create a time Get Your Gun not want to live paradox resulting in a When Henry Ford stepped within such a chain reaction that could onto the stage of the automobile hub of safety unravel the very fabric of industry, many people – and prosperity? the space time continuum including this reporter—thought Toirted will lead and destroy the universe! he was crazy. The concept of America down a production line just did not the path of good seem plausible, and his firm business, and as belief in high wages appeared to that happens, be bad business. c o r r u p t i o n Those so-called “bad and crime will Prohibition business” practices have turned vanish. Ford Motor Company into a Other cities hits Epoh good business, a very good are watching the business. Indeed, “Fordism,” a good news unfold Mr. Shankly mass production of inexpensive in Toirted. They, A Sickening Wreck goods coupled with high wages too, are adopting for workers, has brought Ford’s business Epoh College, which has prosperity to many Americans. practices and already been maintained as Without a doubt, the motor expanding the a dry campus, just became industry is here to stay. a u t o m o t i v e a little more officially arid. This industry, while industry across Photo courtesy of the Associated Press On Jan. 17, 1920 the United beneficial to many Americans, is America. We model t more affordable — Henry Ford’s new production practices States officially passed the especially beneficial to the state are witnessing have made automobiles, like the Model T Touring Car pictured above, more 18th Amendment, prohibiting of Nagihcim. Ford has opened the birth of a affordable for Americans. The light Model T was introduced in Oct. 1908 at the sale and consumption of a major production facility in c o m p e t i t i v e $825. alcoholic beverages anywhere in Toirted, and rumors circulate market. American entrepreneurs and strife and crisis within many the states. that he plans to build several Surely such a market, growing business leaders have created businesses and individuals. It is This may seem like it may more in the same area. on such sound principles, will a perfect capitalistic industrial a scary thought. affect the party environment A concentration of industry push America to be a world leader system. There is no way this But do not fear, fellow on campus, but after speaking in Toirted will bring jobs and in the supply of automobiles. system could fail. If the industry Americans! Having witnessed with a number of students who economic potential to its This reporter predicts that our does collapse, then it could only such a beautiful birth of the identified themselves as heavy residents. The city will no beautiful nation will be a leading be because companies strayed automotive industry, this and regular drinkers, there does doubt become one of the most exporter for at least the next from sound business practices. reporter seriously doubts that not seem to be much concern. prosperous and privileged cities century. Other nations could The journey to rediscover sound any collapse could ever occur. “I would really like to thank in America, one that quickly not hope to compete with our business practices will surely Epoh for preparing us for this attracts other Americans. technology. be long and painful, causing prohibition by insisting on having a campus dry for all of Women these years. Everyone at the Support our soldiers: college is already accustomed GAin to sneaking off campus to drink celebrate ‘Turnip Time’! in party houses, but I guess Harry Potter I firmly believe that all of us on meager rations. It would be the vote! we’re calling them speakeasies Epic Gryffindor must do our part to win this war, nothing short of irresponsible, now, which sounds even more Since the beginning of this and encouraging the planting of even unpatriotic of us to continue In 19th Amendment awesome,” said an anonymous Great War, it has been an honor victory garden has become my in our extravagance. That is why to Constitution binge drinker. to watch my fellow members of own personal project. I am pleased to announce that Organizations on campus Epoh College and the citizens of However much good the this May, as the weather warms Annie Oakley already have built up an the city of Dnalloh as they band multitude of household gardens up and planting season begins, Get Your Gun impressive infrastructure for together to support our boys has produced up until now, it the city of Dnalloh will be saying After many long and bitterly dealing with the purchasing and over in Europe. seems to me that our city and goodbye to Tulip Time and hello fought battles, the suffrage distribution of alcohol. I have been pleased to see college can and should be doing to Turnip Time! movement finally won the war “Fraternities were practically victory gardens sprouting up in more in this area, so I took it I understand that the less this week as Congress ratified invented to make it easier for upon myself to patriotic among us (German what is now officially the people who are too young to buy determine how sympathizers, perhaps?) will 19th Amendment to the U.S. alcohol to get drunk on a regular crop yield could object to this innovation, perhaps Constitution. basis. I honestly haven’t even be increased. cloaking their sedition in excuses This Amendment says that the noticed that this prohibition A stroll concerning the damage that right to vote shall not be denied thing has gone into effect.” through the will be done to the city’s tourist nor abridged on account of sex. Nationally, the government center of Epoh’s industry. I am sure I can count Essentially, it gives women the was hoping for a drop in alcohol- campus revealed on the loyal majority of Dnalloh right to vote. related accidents; however, acre upon acre of citizens and Epoh students to The amendment came in the numbers have actually untilled soil, as did exert pressure on these traitors a special session of Congress, skyrocketed and crime has gone an examination to bring them around. After all, called by President Wilson. way up as well. This is also the of the city’s what could possibly be more Michigan was one of the first case on campus. parks. With the beautiful to the eyes of every states to ratify the Amendment, “It’s strange—now that permission of the true American tourist than rows its legislature already being in drinking alcohol is an even authorities, this and rows of turnips running up session. On Aug. 18, Tennessee’s more rebellious thing to do, wasted space will and down the streets of our fair ratification made the bill official. more people seem to want to soon blossom city? This opens the 1920 elections do it. And we thought we had with carrots and They might not be as colorful to much larger constituency. issues with people not reporting potatoes. as tulips, but the boys overseas Some legislators greet that alcohol poisoning before—that’s Though this is will surely thank us more for constituency with eagerness, gotten worse too. Greek life has Photo courtesy of the Associated Press exciting in and of feeding them in their hour of while others fear that a powerful also really seen a boom in its Support for soldiers — In imita- itself, I am writing need than for stabbing them women’s bloc could emerge to membership levels this year,” a tion of a Mabel Lucie Atwell illustration, to announce in the back with flowers. We dominate American politics. school official reported. soldier Edward Wolstencroft made this something even must not allow Dutch traditions Only time will tell, but this A number of shops around sketch during a hospital stay in Europe. You more thrilling. like Tulip Time to conceal pro- reporter is overjoyed that campus have closed due to want to support him? Plant some turnips. With May fast German sentiments. American society has finally and losses in revenue. A local owner approaching, the Let us refuse to betray our truly become equal. Between the explained that his shop made the backyards of a large majority city’s large number of tulip beds troops and rush to perform our 14th, 15th, and 19th Amendments almost 100 percent of its profits of Dnalloh residences. As I am could hardly have escaped my patriotic duty: let turnips spring – which will no doubt be obeyed from alcohol sales to college sure you are all aware, these attention. It seemed a travesty from every bare patch of soil in by everyone, everywhere, with students. He now wonders why gardens are helping to feed that these numerous strips of our city and college! Tear up the a perfect spirit of justice and he ever bothered selling candy those of us on the home front so fertile soil should be wasted treacherous tulips and bring in humanity for all—America has or hair products. that more food may be shipped on mere ornamentation while the all-American turnips! no need to improve on anything to our troops overseas. our troops struggle to survive else. 4 The Anchor Artless March 30, 1920 If my calculations are correct you’ve landed in the 1920s. You had better check Tainted love buzz out the arts scene at the Local coffee joint S’ollejnomel accused of selling alcohol college, I hear some heavy stuff despite strict Prohibition laws was happening back then. Bilinda Butcher

Your Bloody Valentine

Rekcobrekcink Theatre be caught, S’ollejnomel Stumbling out of would pay extensive S’ollejnomel after a fines and may risk be- undergoes renovations group meeting on ing shut down. Monday, Betty Smith “You’re gonna have (’22) had a thing or to take that one to the for talkie films two to say about her big cheese,” said one many of our favourite actors, latte. employee when asked Grace Kelly included the beloved comedian “It wasn’t a latte,” for a comment. “Ain’t Princess of Monaco Eilrahc Nilpahc, have less-than- she said. “Well it none of my beeswax.” pleasant voices. wasn’t only a latte. “What’s eatin’ this The days of silent movies are There are also concerns- ex There was something Smith girl?” said a over, and the Rekcobrekcink pressed by various concerned funny about it.” regular S’ollejnomel is planning on being a part of community members about the Smith claims she customer. “She’s full the racket. This coming spring noise level of these new films. had been served al- of baloney.” break, the Rekcob is undergoing “Because actors and actress- cohol during her visit I n v e s t i g a t i o n s renovations to install the neces- es have to talk over the music, it to S’ollejnomel. She is have followed Smith’s sary equipment required to show will be louder. What will happen one of an increasing claim, but nothing has talkies, movies with recorded to our children’s ears?” writes number of Epoh stu- been proved so far. sound and voice. Kirc Grebla, Aliam Imrun, mother of Esiuol dents to make claims Her attempts to bump director of theatre productions Imrun ‘28. about S’ollejnomel off the local café seem and professor of the arts, says Students, however, are excit- being an illegal speak- to be more like calls the change is for the best. ed about the new prospect. easy establishment. for attention. “We have this wonderful and “I think it will be exciting to Her case, however, “Ah, horsefeathers,” surprising new technology, and see new films, and it will be a might be the one to said one S’ollejnomel it would be detrimental to the lovely treat for me and my gal,” bring S’ollejnomel aficionado. “That students here if we lacked this says Nhoj Netnevneguovrednav down. ol’ Jane will come technology.” But this new tech- ’29. The unsuspecting around.” nology isn’t always welcome. Indeed, most students are Smith ordered her S’ollejnomel con- Some members of the faculty, keen on the idea of hearing at- usual drink, only to tinues to sell customer including president Drawde D. tractive new celebrities talk and find it had been mis- favorites throughout Tnenmid, are less than thrilled. sing. The first film to be viewed takenly spiked by a the prohibition. How- “I think it’s a good idea, but in the newly remodeled theatre barista. ever, due to the Great the beauty of recorded music, or will be Nod Nauj, starring the “I mean, Depression, double even a live orchestra, is no lon- legendary actor Nohj Eromyr- S’ollejnomel is the punch Tuesdays have SNIFF IT BEFORE YOU SIP IT— ‘Prohibi- ger there. It is new technology, rab. The renovations will be cat’s meow, and usu- been cancelled. tion laws? Forget it!’ Is that the new motto for but it is harsh.” completed Hcram 28, with the ally I don’t take any While some custom- local coffee shop S’ollejnomel? See for your- Talkies are changing the way film opening Lirpa 1. wooden nickels from ers are outraged by their self, but don’t overdo it. Doowylloh produces a movie; nobody, but boy I had lone punch, others have an edge by the bot- caught the Depression tom of my cup of joe,” spirit. Smith said, who seemed deeply “They put giggle water in my “It’s a time for simplicity,” said concerned about the well-being java! Don’t they know about the an optimistic Epoh student. “All of her fellow students. prohibition? S’ollejnomel is just I need is a cup of joe and a ciggy Other students, coerced by a hooch-sellin’ juice joint these in the morning. I don’t mind los- the idea of easily accessible al- days,” said a frazzled Smith. ing my double punch Tuesdays. cohol in these present dry days, Workers at the establishment At least we can still smoke in- are attempting to keep the Betty are attempting to keep the situa- side!” Smith accident underwraps. tion under wraps. If they were to

Feeling blue? If the Great Depression has you down in the dumps, give the Epoh College Counsel- ing Center a call. We can help. Epoh Counseling

“Making the Depression less depressing.”

We now sell those trendy flapper skirts. March 30, 1950 The Society Page The Ranchor 5 Epoh grads prepare to be housewives and mothers By: Amelia Earhart While Epoh defined, female students at Epoh have students of- a towering standard to meet after ten aspire to graduation. Even with the stellar quality careers in sci- of an Epoh education, girls express ence, busi- nervousness at keeping pace with women The good ole 1950s, back ness, and who are already established in their when times were so much e d u c a t i o n , homes and earning A’s in housekeeping. more traditional and the career of In case you were wondering, Epoh does wholesome. Now just housewife is not offer this degree. watch out for your mom… at the top of The modern housewife is both fearsome the charts for and beautiful to behold, as Epoh women femlae Epoh can attest. She can coax wrinkles out students. of clothing faster than her husband can Since the second Great War ended, female create them. Her Hoover is an extension students have not visited Career Services and of her right arm. She’s memorized 30 are sensing a strong call to fulfill the house- recipes that call for canned soup (but wife role instead of entering professional ca- you would never be able to guess that the reers. gourmet casserole on your plate ever met The buzz all over campus is about who’s the word “canned”). tying the knot. The Holland fire department Before sunup on any given day, she’s has doused a record number of kitchen fires in unearthed every weed from the garden, campus cottages this semester, all indications planned a church benefit, sewed six poodle that girls are excitedly–albeit haphazardly– skirts for her daughter and her friends, preparing for domestic duty. repainted the dining room furniture, and As graduation approaches this spring, budgeted her husband’s salary for the Christ cookbooks covered in scribbled notes and next five years. mas feast— mas to help her mother prepareEbeb theworked perfect hard family last Christ din - homemade scrapbooks full of pictures of At the end of the day, the modern ner. She knows that preparing large meals is just one of - Ellicul Llab and Enuj Revaelc have been housewife has done it all, still looking a good housewife’s many duties spotted all over campus as women study for fresh as a cherry blossom. With all of her more than just their final sociology or nursing success, she makes Nyliram Eornom look exams. frumpy. coming years. Knah Redlum at the mail center reported, In the years since the war ended, men The Ranchor caught up with female students “In all my years at Epoh, I have never seen went back to work and women returned and soon-to-be-grads Eirelav Reemrednav so many subscriptions to The Ladies’ Home home. America has had no single group to (’50) and Ebeb Rekkab (’50), asking them Journal and Better Homes and Gardens.” thank more for its happy families than its for their thoughts and opinions on life after In an age when the job of an American savvy housewives. And this example is one graduation from Epoh. housewife has never been more clearly that many Epoh grads hope to emulate in the What brought you to Epoh College? Eirelav: My mother’s sister went here – she What are your current plans for life after Tell us what you think about the housewives was one of the first Krekyn song girls in graduation? of America. Do you think a girl can possibly ’36. And I figured, what better place to Eirelav: My boyfriend proposed a week ago! live up to the pristine standards for wives and meet a wonderful guy than a friendly Dutch We’re getting married in June. I hope to move mothers that you see in Holland today? community? Everyone said college was the to the suburbs, find a house, and start a Eirelav: The housewives I know from Third place to find a husband. family. Reformed are my heroes. They run wonderful Ebeb: I decided I might as well become a nurse Ebeb: Every girl wants to get married right households. I only hope that my angel food since I didn’t find Mr. Right in high school–lots now. I’m no exception. I’ve dated Ynnhoj since cakes turn out as fluffy as theirs do. of my friends are going into nursing anyhow. freshman year– I don’t know why he’s being Ebeb: Housewives are the oil that keeps I heard that Epoh’s nursing program was so slow to propose. I suppose I’ll get a job as the nation functioning properly. Without reputable, so here I am. a nurse until his cold feet go away. housewives, America would look like the Soviet Union, with women working while the How do you think Epoh has kids went to daycare. Ugh, how horrid. The prepared you for your future bar is set high for American housewives, but career as a housewife? I hope to be right up there with the best of Eirelav: Well, I’m an elementary them. education major, so I think I’m capable of handling my own 7 or 8 children, Lord-willing. My Can you see yourself working and using your field placement in second grade degrees professionally farther down the convinced me that I want a BIG road? family. My fiancé agrees, of Eirelav: All I want is to take care of my husband course. forever. I’ll get a teaching job if I have to, but I really hope my sweetie makes enough as an accountant to support us. I’d much rather Do you ever wish you had started manage the household than have to earn a a family right after high school paycheck. rather than coming to college? Ebeb: At this rate, working will be my only Ebeb: Don’t get me started. option if I end up single and have to support Most of my girlfriends got myself. Ynnhoj, if you’re reading this, I would married when they were 18. I’m rather wear an apron than a stethoscope any a nervous wreck; I just turned 21 day. Take the hint, dear. in January, and there’s no sign of For Eirelav, the anticipation ofShe nds!— diamonds anywhere. Look Ma, No ha becoming a suburban housewife is exciting and thrilling. even bakes cakes like this one to practice! 6 The Ranchor letters March 30, 1970-1990 Epoh students speak their piece

Dear Editor: and buying bellbottoms. We need to have Dear Ground Control: I went to D.C. this past week and I have a peace fest. Troops in Vietnam shouldn’t The administrators have been acting a new idea: why don’t we cancel class for a be there. D.C. was rampant with folks fickle: “change this,” “we need more We seem to be accelerating day and just celebrate being free and easy? shouting in the streets. White powder was money” and “don’t have pre-marital I heard people shout in the street about flying. And I don’t think it was the cher- sex.” Are they acting like rock stars? far too rapidly through time! love and peace and they had these crazy ry blossoms. Take this suggestion to the For perspective, consider this compara- Through the 1970s, ’80s and things wrapped round their heads and I higher-ups. tive analysis between rock star David ’90s... hold on! didn’t know “tie-dye” even existed. Bowie and President NelyWnav: I’m selling all my conservative clothing Thinking Colorful in D.C. NelyWnav gets down with the Board of Directors. Bowie gets down with Dear Editors: attention to newcomer Harrison Ford as at some future date – hopefully not too Queen. Sometimes, Bowie feels like I am writing to encourage each and every Han Solo. Ford has the talent to go very far off! Can you imagine the torture if jazzin’ for blue jean. Sometimes, Nely- one of you to visit the cinema this week to far in Hollywood, while I suspect Hamill audiences had to wait 30 years to see Wnav feels like wearing a blue tie in- view the new film “Star Wars.” and Carrie Fisher will just sit around and the pre-story? Could you further imag- stead of a red one. And Bowie’s haircut This movie displays fresh acting talent do drugs. ine the torture if Lucas chose the worst is way better. and the sharpest technology known in Also, viewers should note that this cast imaginable to portray that pre-story? Decide what you want from this in- Hollywood. In fact, director George Lu- film is titled “Episode IV: A New Hope.” Hopefully the talent of the current epi- tensive comparison, but I think that the cas created his own company, Industrial While Lucas plans on releasing two more sodes will serve as a benchmark for any facts speak, nay, sing, for themselves. Light & Magic, to explore and utilize new films to continue the storyline through to future films. concepts like “green screening.” Despite Episode VI, many remain curious about Let’s dance, the fair good looks of Mark Hamil as episodes I, II, and III. Respectfully, Luke Skywalker, I suggest you pay more Rumor has it that they may be released Annie Oakley

Diary of a mad student: “Yes.” “NUTS,” murmured Yma, and as Dear Editors: First, let me say that the wall next “Hello. This is Boom-boom. What I picked up the receiver she began to Okay, so, I’m really getting annoyed to the john is a silly place to hang a took you so long to answer?” fiddle with the bell again. with all this hype about Y2K. Seriously, telephone. The odds are unfavorable that “I didn’t quite know what to answer. “Hello, Boom-boom?” my friends are beginning to walk out of the person sitting nearest the telephone We thought mice were knocking on the “Yes,” he replied. “I guess we have the room every time my mom calls on will even be able to answer it. basement ceiling.” the executive model without the added the phone and they can hear her yell- Therefore, I relocated the phone “Oh, you mean the new phone features.” ing through the reciever. My grandma’s when I first arrived back on campus, via system?” “Apparently.” started a stock of beans in her pantry. tearing it off the wall and placing it on “Yes,” I said. “Sure has a funny ring.” “Well thanks for helping in my Refried. She’s beginning to give them the living room floor. “I know. That’s what I was calling experiment.” to me and my roommate is starting to Second, let me say that a wall phone, about. I noticed the phone in the Rohcna “Do I have to hand in a lab write-up?” wonder...what is this dude doing? Not to even torn off the wall, allows for little office has push buttons like the executive I asked, but he had already hung up. So mention, we can’t even have microwaves mobility; thus, no privacy. My phone of phones, and I was wondering if you I hung up and then looked at Yma. She in our dorm rooms, so what would I do the past reached out into the garage. would help me with a little experiment.” was still tinkering. with refried beans? So this new phone system was in a “What’s that?” “It has a bell in it,” she said, “but it Y2K seems like a hoax, if you ask me. hole to begin with. “Well, executive phones are supposed doesn’t seem to ring.” But, if the new millenium brings in the But I decided to give it a chance to to be able to put people on hold—” I I got up to go to bed. “Well, let’s beginning of the end, I suggest Ellegoc prove itself. It took two days and then it noticed Yma had taken the casing off the worry about it tomorrow.” professors start taking classes for lunch happened. phone and was prodding around inside it “But what if it goes ‘thunk’ in the at the Windmill instead of lecturing on THUNK, thunk. with a screwdriver, and at the same time middle of the night? No one will hear it.” the history of Rome and the importance “What was that?” I said, quite startled. bashing it against the floor, so I want “It’s just as well.” of The Odyssey to my liberal arts educa- “Huh?” My housemate Yma didn’t to test if our office phone has the same “But what if it’s important? We might tion. hear it. I listened intently, waving my feature.” as well sleep in the garage for all we’d Sorry if this letter seems cynical, but arms around to hush her. “Okay. What do I have to do?” ever hear it.” seriously? The letter published last week Thunk, thunk. “Just listen for me to put you on hold. “Forget it.” proposing Epoh start a fund for “if Y2K “There! There it goes again—” I just have to press the receiver button “Forget it?!” She was getting angry. stops clocks” was absolutely absurd. Take “Huh? I could barely hear it,” replied for a second and then you’ll be on hold, “We’re living with a retarded phone and a chill pill, dude. Life won’t change. Yma. “Must be outside.” then press it again, and—” you expect me to forget it?” “No, it’s in this room.” “—Bingo! Here I’ll be,” I said. Yma had “Yes.” Thanks, Thunk, thunk. loosened up the bell in the phone and “But I can’t.” Harry Tenshilling “It sounds like it’s coming from the was trying to put it back together. “You can. Now just forget it,” I said as basement,” said Yma, lying on the floor “Okay, here we go. You know what to I went in my room. with her ear flat against the carpet. do?” “Oh, alright,” she said. But I heard her “Could be mice.” “Of course.” get up after a while and tinker with it Thunk, thunk. “Okay. Here we go.” And with that I some more. Yma’s eyes twisted sideways and heard a clunk and then a dial tone. “Nuts. Nuts.” She talked to herself in looked at the phone. “It’s coming out of I looked at Yma. “He says he can put whispers. there.” me on hold but I can hear a dial tone.” Her language grew stronger, until I “Where?” “Then hang up.” heard her unlock the back door and step “There.” She pointed at the phone. “But he was supposed to take me off outside. She was dead silent. NOTE TO CAMPUS: Thunk, thunk. hold,” I explained. Then suddenly I could hear a faint There are real and fictional letters “There?!” “I think he just plain hung up on you. sound. I learned later that it was the on this page and real and fiction “Yes! There!” She crawled to the I’d forget it,” Yma had the phone back in sound of the phone being set on a classifieds on page 7. Identify the phone, which was lying near me on the one piece and was sitting Naidni style in chopping block. But it was the sound real, identify the fake. Email an- floor. “Listen.” front of it. that followed that lulled me to sleep. [email protected] with your guess, Thunk, thunk. “Okay,” I said and hung up the “—Smash.” and if you’re right, we’ll let you “You’re right,” I said as I answered it. receiver. We both watched the phone, know. And give you a prize. “Hello?” waiting for after effects. - Llij Naalrednav “Hello? Llij?” said a voice. Thunk, thunk.

2011 Spring Semester Staff

Elphaba The Green Monster Annie Oakley Get Your Gun Napoleon Bonaparte General of Winning Liz Cady Stanton Activist Romana Time Lord Dr. Kenneth Noisewater Clyster Connoisseur Teddy Roosevelt Rough Rider Audrey Hepburn Funny Face Mother Teresa Pacifist Amelia Earhart Explorer & Pilot Grace Kelly Princess of Monaco Mrs. Tom Cruise Converted Pippi Longstocking Resident Ginger Tricky Dick Eavesdropper Harry Potter Epic Gryffindor Mr. Shankly Sickening Wreck Belinda Butcher Your Bloody Valentine Tracy Flick Eager to Please Cindy Lou Who Saved Christmas Day Rachel Berry Your Average Teenage Dream Peace River Voice of Relief Miss Print NitPicker Jessica Rabbit Foxy Lady March 30, 1970 - 1999 classifieds The Ranchor 7

WANTED FOR RESALE MISCELLANEOUS

Wanted: A man with big arms. I need him For Sale: Freshman roommate for sale. In- Contact: I live in Gilmore, third floor. to move my sister out. She’s been living dividual goes to bed at 3 a.m. every night, 616.395.0000. Just come find me. Or her. with me for the past month because her does not clean dirty laundry, showers bi- Iran: “Give peace a chance...” Then ‘nuke boyfriend was drafted for ‘Nam, and she weekly, and snores. Interested applicants ‘em! doesn’t want to live with the parents. She should email [email protected]. Karen Veramay: Garbage is stinky, spin- goes for the tall, dark and handsome. Men Anchor classifieds are only 25 cents! What ning bottles is fun, your dress didn’t fall, of Dutch descent need not apply. a deal!!! and still you won. You’re a very sexy wom- Wanted: Co-Editors-in-Chief desperately For Sale: Shower curtains for sale. Contact an, my heart is on fire, maybe it will fall if wanted! Contact the Anchor ASAP for de- Durfee Hall, ext. 5496 you reach a little higher. tails. For Sale: Organic Chemistry Book. Good Contact: Concerned? Pregnancy? Birth Wanted: Third floor Durfee Hall shower condition. Asking price: your firstborn child. Control? STDs? AIDS? Call Ext. 7585 Ask curtains. Anyone with information please For Sale: Parachute pants, gently loved. for Sharon. Confidential Counseling and contact Ext. 5697 You CAN touch them! free pregnancy testing available. Ellegoc Wanted: Do you know any good (or bad) For Sale: “Members Only” jacket, only College Health Clinic. jokes?! PLEASE call Ethan Henderson at worn once. Stain on bottom left side. Dear Schizo Walking Dead Roommate Ext. 6431 anytime, day or night. For Sale: Hundreds of disco records. Se- from Hell: After this weekend it’s two Wanted: Students! Earn extra money lection is out of this world. Contact Isaac each! today for the holidays and Spring Break Hayes for pricing and titles. Contact: Go skiing at Cannonsburg every 1988! No experience or investment neces- For Sale: Soul Train cassette tape collec- Wednesday with the Ski Club! Call Ext. sary, opportunity to be your own boss, work tion. Every season available. $5 each, $50 6352 for more information. your own hours, earn unlimited income, for whole set OBO. Contact: Rubik’s Cube workshop. Learn prizes and trips. Call today, Florida Sands For Sale: Original script for every John how to solve the puzzle within hours. Promotions 904- 257- 2467 Hughes movie. Prices negotiable; mini- Classes run daily. Cost: $3.14 an hour. Wanted: Part- Time Swim Intructor, 1- mum price of $1,000. Contact: Do you want to be a “Macho 3 p.m. daily, Mon. thru Fri. Prefer male For Sale: Reversible suit. Olive green on Man?” If so, contact your local Native instructors, speedos encouraged. Apply at one side, green plaid on the other. Price: American, Policeman, Cowboy, Construc- Dow Pool. $30 OBO. tion Worker, G.I. or Biker. Wanted: Business partner wanted for For Sale: Shag rug and fondue set. Shag Contact: All out of love? Get over yourself, up-and-coming home computer operating rug was center piece of living room for life’s tough. system company. Interested? Contact Bill eight years. Fondue set was gently used. Contact: Itching to reveal yourself in front Gates. Will barter for IKEA furniture. of thousands of people? Streaking tech- Wanted: Pet rock wanted. That’s all. I’ll For Sale: Album by somebody named Mi- nique classes held every Thursday at Deja pay any price. Must be house-trained. chael Jackson...? No talent. Want to get rid Vu. Wanted: Bouncers, servers and bartenders of it immediately. $3. Contact: Yearning to crimp your hair? needed at Studio 54. Pay is negotiable. For Sale: Full selection of IZOD shirts. Ev- Tutorials monthly at local barbershop. Con- Wanted: Wanted: sense of style. Please ery size and color availble. $10 a piece. tact nearest Valley Girl. respond immediately. Contact Reality. For Sale: Ferbies, thousands and thou- Contact: Tired of paying for your music? Wanted: Test subjects for new drug. Must sands of them. They won’t shut up. Please Check out napster.com. You can access be in good health and able to endure ex- come to my house and take as many as millions of songs and download them for treme temperatures. Interested candidates you want. FREE. No catches, tricks, etc. Completely contact Jenny at BALCO, 666-867-5309. For Sale: Inline skates. Rode them back LEGAL! Wanted: My name is Julius and I’m inter- and forth to work for a few years. Just Contact: POG collectors invited to mas- ested in getting a Jheri Curl. Need instruc- replaced the wheels. In great shape. $25 sive, multi-state POG extravaganza. $5 to tion/demonstration. OBO. attend. Wanted: Director for new movie about For Sale: Ty Beanie Babies. Multiples of Contact: Confused by Reaganomics? In- Titanic. Large potential for Blockbuster. every varieties. Asking $5 a piece. Dis- structional classes available first Wednes- Wanted: People to join Peoples Temple. counts available for multiple purchases. day of each month at City Hall. Trip to Guyana included! Contact Jim Jones For Sale: Tickle Me Elmo. $500, not up for Contact: Dance classes now forming at for information. negotiation. local YMCA’s across the nation. Macarena, Wanted: Participants to form longest Con- For Sale: AMC Gremlin. Fair condition. Running Man and others. ga line. Guiness to confirm world record. Powder Blue. 145,000 miles. Power Steer- Contact: WASUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP? Bring friends and towels. ing. New tires and transmission. $5,000 Contact: I know you are but what am I? A Wanted: Leisure suits, preferable white. OBO. herbivore. My dry cleaner caught on fire and I lost all For Sale: Acid wash jeans. Size 32x30. Contact: Tired of never having water when mine. Gently worn. Some holes. $10 OBO. you want it? Introducing BOTTLED WATER. Wanted: Somebody to dance with. Some- For Sale: Original “Air Jordans.” Never It’s convenient, cheap and tastes better body to feel the heat with. worn. $20 OBO. than normal city or well water. Free taste tests available at local markets.

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Anchor reserves the right to accept or reject any advertising. dards, terms and policies stated in The Anchor’s advertisement brochure. The Letter Guidelines: The Anchor welcomes all letters. The staff re- The Anchor will make continuous efforts to avoid wrong insertions, omissions 8 The Ranchor Strops March 30, The Future Oh no, we’ve landed in the far future! You can’t be here; it doesn’t make sense for you to be here! NAHAR sweeps the nation at the Yawallac 800 Pipi Longstocking racing faster than it has ever been. champion Elar Trahnered. “It’s comfort- passing or repositioning, which is typi- Resident Ginger Since the first race in 2050, Yawallac ing to know that when I hit those turns cal in the first half. But that soon ended has been known as the fastest track in the and throw on my nitros, I don’t have to at the 500-mile mark, as veteran driver The 10th annual hovercraft racing NAHAR. The track is notorious for its worry about throwing my hovercraft over Gerg Htims made a move into third place tournament in Yawallac, Adirolf, kicked 60-degree turns, which stand at an alti- the barriers.” behind Llib. off last weekend, making the Yawallac tude of 17,500 feet, making Yawallac the The competition was on as Trahnered “I knew if I made a move too early I 800 the biggest event of the decade. The highest track in the nation. The turns are instantly took the lead into the first turn. could risk being passed by Mij Noslrac- Yawallac 800 not only marks history for complete with red hovering barriers that Close behind him was the two-time win- his electrode circuit is known to blast into Adirolf, but for the National Association a u t o m a t i - ner of the at least second place, and that’s something for Hovercraft Auto Racing. cally detect Ykcut 500 I couldn’t risk,” says Htims. The NAHAR has become the most a hovercraft and first The veteran was right; 675 miles in popular sport in American history. Last within five female in Noslrac hit the electrode circuit, knock- year alone the association respectively feet of the the NA- ing him from fifth place to third. Htims gathered one million fans for the Yk- sideline. H A R , may have made a strong move, but not cut 500 in Ellivsiuol, Ykcutnek. But last This safety Y c n a n strong enough to hold third place against weekend at Yawallac 800, 1.3 million mechanism is Llib. Llib Noslrac. Americans gathered at the track, making the only one tucked be- With just 50 miles to go, Trahnered’s the NAHAR the secure front-runner in of its kind at hind the left wing was clipped by the nose of Llib’s American sports. the Yawallac left wing hovercraft, forcing Trahnered’s mobile Now legalized in Yawallac, the hov- track, due to of Trah- two feet from the barrier, activating safe- ercrafts kicked their 650 nitro and elec- the expense n e r e d , ty control. The barriers protected Trahn- trodes into gear on Saturday, giving the of upkeep w h i c h ered from injury and knocked him back largest crowd in history something to and instilla- s e e m e d into the race, only to be positioned in cheer about. Both nitro and electrode en- tion of the Graphic By Ylime Remmad to be her fifth place. ergy circuits were banned from the NA- barriers. The game plan The finish line was quickly approaching HAR, but in 2054 the league left the le- safety features allow crowds to sit com- from the beginning. as Llib, Noslrac and Htims fought for first galizing of the circuits to the states. Only fortably in their hover seats four feet “I knew that if I gave Trahnered too place. Both Llib and Noslrac used each five racing states passed the circuits for behind the barriers. Not only does the much room he would pull away fast, but of their circuits to achieve first and sec- competition, leaving Yawallac and Dlief- crown sit comfortably around the track, laying close to his left wing would build ond place, but veteran Htims had saved gnirps, Iruossim the only two states dis- but also the drivers. uncomfortably and room in his blind his electrode circuit for the last mile. As abling the circuits. But all has changed “Racing at Yawallac is unlike any oth- spot,” says Llib. Llib took the first arch of the second turn, since 2057; all seven racing states have er track; it’s fast, exhilarating and most At 400 miles the positioning of the Htims flicked the circuit into gear, flying legalized both circuits, making the age of of all, it’s safe,” says five-time Yawallac hovercrafts were static and there was no passed Noslrac and Llib for the win. Nivlac spices up Epoh rivalry with new football team Dr. Kenneth Noisewater that our right tackle is also our kicker, their first annual “Lesser of Two Evils” not football too? Ya know, it just seems to Clyster Connoisseur punter, kick returner, punt returner and game in October of next school year. make sense. strong safety, but he has assured me mul- “There have been people saying we Like coach always says, ‘A bird in the After hundreds of years, football fans tiple times that he is up to the challenge.” won’t be able to compete,” McGee said. hand is worth two in the bush.’ I don’t re- at Epoh finally have reason to cheer: Niv- Jubilation over the news quickly spread “They claim our talent is barely higher ally know what that means, ya know, but lac has scrounged up enough sad saps to around Epoh’s campus. Epoh’s coach, than that of local high schools. To them I it always pumps me up.” compose what they are claiming is a foot- Verne “Too Many Men on the Field” Hef- say this: Don’t count your chickens before Anticipating a larger than usual crowd, ball team. falump, was elated when he heard. they hatch because the early bird gets the Epoh and Nivlac administrators have Critics say the 15-man roster doesn’t “Finally,” Heffalump said. “We’ve been worm.” moved the “Lesser of Two Evils” game meet the minimum roster requirement waiting hundreds and hundreds of years Epoh’s senior quarterback Leonard from an abandoned Negro League field but Nivlac doesn’t seem to care. for Nivlac to get a football team and the Stink can’t wait for his first game against to Ford Field in Toirted. “We have some great athletes on our day is finally upon us. Our rivalry in other Nivlac. Tickets will be available when the cows team,” coach Russ “Pooch Kick” McGee sports has been getting a little old lately, “I’m so excited, ya know, and I really come home. said. “Although we only have four players so the addition of a football rivalry should think that, ya know, we can beat them,” on the bench at a time we shouldn’t have certainly spice things up.” Stink said. “We dominate Nivlac in al- any problems with fatigue. Yes, it’s true Epoh and Nivlac are scheduled to play most every sport anyway, ya know, so why Barbaric contact sports take a back seat to virtual athletics

Mr. Shankly In those distant and barbaric times, running sprints or lifting weights, these any layers of fat, it must have been terri- A Sickening Wreck their athletic heroes were those who athletes train by increasing their mouse- bly unhealthy to be that gaunt. Someone could jump the highest, run the fastest, clicking speeds and by running virtual who looks like that in these modern times The world of sports in this the-distant lift the most, or throw and shoot things 40-yard dashes. To master their sports, would be rightfully shunned. They would future-is far different from how it was for in specific locations the most consistent- these dedicated gridiron warriors need have none of the glory, fame or popular- our ancestors in the 20th and 21st cen- ly. In fact, there was a whole lot of that to go days at a time without walking and ity of our properly obese athletes. And turies. last one involved in those ancient sports. require intravenous supplies of green virtual reality groupies wouldn’t touch These bar- pop to fuel their Rocky-like work ethic. those muscle-bound freaks with a 10 foot baric and If they work hard enough, they may pole. fruitless tasks make it all the way to Virtual Major The only toned muscles in virtual are thankfully League Baseball, or the Virtual National athletes are in their thumbs, and their only things of Football League, which is currently in ability to wow crowds with their feats is the past. In the midst of a strike because the players significant. Thousands of fans tune in to the non-bar- refuse to compete until they are given watch the finest teams compete. Some baric pres- proper healthcare to pay for their diabe- have argued that the multi-million dollar ent, the stars tes medication, liposuction and bypass contracts signed by virtual athletes are of modern surgeries. extravagant, but the athletes argue that athletics are Tales of non-virtual sporting events they require large sums of money to sup- found com- may sound fun at first, but one must re- port the bags and bags of chips they burn

fortably seat- member that in these events, one is re- through during training exercises.

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ollege ope puters. these contests resembled common labor- that our children should be inspired by. Instead of ers. With developed muscles and hardly