The Workzine - 10 Jun 2010

Who Rocks Bob Nesta Marley (Rip) UB40 Pg11

Volume 1, Issue 1 10 Jun 2010

World Cup Fact and The Workzine Fiction Pg9

The new type of gold diggers on campus Pg13

DISCRIMINATION Pg14

The Famous Urban Legend 12-step guide to success in pretty much anything. Today, How To Get Rid of Your Housemate in 12 Steps Pg6

www.theworkzine.com 1 The Workzine - 10 Jun 2010 Editor’s Word WorkZine’s 17th Issue promises to take you to In the news higher heights. There is a new column entitled “Urban Legend” which provides a highly satirical look at some issues . In addition to “Idler’s Corner” and many more of your favaourite writers .Our Blog Star this BP finally scores some success in stopping fatal US issue is Kevinmd.com who talks about how you can oil spill unknowingly become addicted to certain compounds at work. There is an internet phenomenom sweeping World Cup fever heats up as Zuma’s wives jostle across Africa by the names of Golola Moses and here for prominence are a few things that are said about him : •Golola’s silk pyjamas are the Ironman Isreal comes under sharp criticism for killing suit.... •Golola Moses is the Sky God King activists in international waters Julien is always talking about. •Sped off in his speed-boat leaving behind Guillermo del Toro pulls out of hobbit movie in a cloud of dust. •The worst known case of third degree UK in shock over Bird killing spree burns was the last person to get into a heated argument with Golola Moses Mexican man sells kids to clear debts

Enjoy Study: Children of Lesbians May Do Better Than Businge Abid Weere their Peers

The Team Aussie man punches shark, surfs to safety

Editorial Deported man given 145,000$ as parting gift by Businge Abid Weere City of New York Lindsey Kukunda Raymond Kunkundakwe Kellog to drop positive health claims about rice Mathias Muwonge krispies Bernard Olupot Francesca , Nadal and Stosur shine at French Open Writers in this issue Sara Akelly Warner Ernest Bazanye Australian Diner introduces 30% discount for Brian B. Coutinho Brenda Bitts customers who eat all the food they order and a Lindsey Kukunda Alfred Rwamirego penalty for those who don’t Rwakigumba Ronald Kalisa Micheal Rafayili Isaac Uproar over Comedy Central’s Jesus cartoon series Mufumbiro Isaac Genius Makka Samm Kabagambe Arthur Mwanje Zaasa Hundreds at risk in Nigeria over lead poisoning as Sly Drewd Joseph Onyder close to 200 die Jan Gurley South and North Korea relations break down

Cover page Tendo Miti and friends at the first match at the Calabash, a world cup stadium , In South Africa

2 www.theworkzine.com The Workzine - 10 Jun 2010

Retirement Watch: Pipeline Part 2

This is part two and the concluding part Village elders lauded him for his vision It’s only the beginning!” of the Pipeline story and begged him to be chief of the village. Kamunyu finally saw the Big Picture. He But Nyamwisi understood that what he smiled and extended his rough hand to his And The Tables Started To Turn had accomplished wasn’t a miracle. It old friend. They shook hands…and then was merely the first stage of a big, big hugged like long-lost friends that they Days turned into months. One day dream. You see, Nyamwisi had plans that were. Nyamwisi realized his pipeline was reached far beyond his village. halfway finished, which meant he only Pipeline Dreams in a Bucket-Carrying had to walk half as far to fill up his Nyamwisi planned to build pipelines all World buckets! Nyamwisi used the extra time over the kingdom! Years passed. Nyamwisi and Kamunyu to work on his pipeline. The completion had long since retired. Their worldwide date was advancing faster and faster. Does Kamunyu Have The Vision? pipeline business was still pumping The pipeline drove Kamunyu the millions a year into their accounts. During his rest breaks, Nyamwisi Bucket Man out of business, and it Sometimes on their trips through the watched his old friend Kamunyu carry pained Nyamwisi to see his old friend countryside, Nyamwisi and Kamunyu buckets. Kamunyu’s shoulders were begging for free drinks in the village would pass young men carrying water more stooped than ever. He was hunched bar. Nyamwisi arranged a meeting with buckets. in pain, his steps slowed by the daily Kamunyu. The childhood friends would pull over grind. Kamunyu was angry and sullen, and tell the young men their story and resenting the fact that he was doomed to “Kamunyu, I’ve come here to ask you for offer to help them build their own carry buckets, day in and day out, for the your help.” pipeline. A few would listen and jump rest of his life. Kamunyu straightened his stooped at the opportunity to start a pipeline shoulders, and his dark eyes narrowed to business. But sadly, most bucket carriers He began spending less time in his bed a squint. “Don’t mock me,” Kamunyu would hastily dismiss the notion of a and more time in the bar. When people hissed. pipeline. Nyamwisi and Kamunyu heard saw Kamunyu come, they’d whisper, “I haven’t come here to gloat,” said the same excuses over and over. “Here comes Kamunyu the Bucket Nyamwisi. “I’ve come here to offer you “I don’t have the time.” Man,” and giggle when the town drunk a great business opportunity. It took “My friend told me he knew a friend of mimicked Kamunyu’s stooped posture me more than two years before my first a friend who tried to build a pipeline and and shuffling gait. Kamunyu didn’t buy pipeline was complete. But I’ve learned a failed.” rounds or tell jokes anymore; preferring lot during those two years! I know what “Only the ones who get in early make to sit alone in a dark corner surrounded tools to use. Where to dig. How to lay money on pipelines.” by empty calabashes. the pipe. I kept notes as I went along, and “I’ve carried buckets all my life. I’ll stick I’ve developed a system that will allow with what I know.” Finally, Nyamwisi’s’s big day arrived me to build another pipeline…and then “I know some people who lost money in – the pipeline was complete! The another…and another. a pipeline scam. Not me.” villagers crowded around as the water “I could build a pipeline a year by myself. gushed from the pipeline into the village But that would not be the best use of my Nyamwisi and Kamunyu saw that so reservoir! Now that the village had a time. What I plan to do is to teach you many people lacked vision. steady supply of fresh water, people from and others how to build a pipeline…and Both men resigned themselves to the the surrounding villages to marvel at the then have you teach others…and have fact that they lived in a bucket-carrying magic of Nyamwisi. Others moved into each of them teach others…until there world…and that only a small percentage the village.It grew and prospered. is a pipeline to every village in the of people dared to dream pipeline dreams. Kingdom…then a pipeline to every Once the pipeline was complete, village in the Kingdom of Rwanda, Are you a bucket carrier? Or are you a Nyamwisi didn’t have to carry buckets Bunyoro, Ankole, Toro, Buganda…and pipeline man? anymore. The water flowed whether he eventually, a pipeline to every village in worked or not. It flowed while he ate. It the world! flowed while he slept. It flowed on the By Alfred Rwamirego weekends while he played. The more the “Just think,” Nyamwisi continued, “we the money flowed into Nyamwisi’s’s bucket of water that goes through those pockets! pipelines. The more water that flows through the pipelines, the more money Nyamwisi the Pipeline Man became that will flow into our pockets. The known as Nyamwisi, the Miracle Maker. pipeline I built isn’t the end of a dream.

www.theworkzine.com 3 The Workzine - 10 Jun 2010

A Tired Professional or the Office Superhero

pparently it’s a blessing to work in 2pm: Requisition for cash advance to processed to completion in record time. Aa semi-autonomous environ because facilitate another ghost trip in the name Don’t tip any of the finance guys though you get paid just to facilitate your of checking service provision in remote they are expecting rewards in fact report annual leave. If you are feeling down areas of North-eastern Uganda; ensure to any one suspect of expecting a tip to your right jealous about this premonition, include the line manager in the illusion so line manager. Secure the cash advance. take the day off and re-direct that rage that the M.D doesn’t hesitate to authorise 3.45pm: Send invitations to the ever to this readers’ indulgence. Presenting, the disbursement of tax payers’ money. cooperating campus bunny and her a methodical approach to Monday by 3pm: Summon three buddies assign hench-chicks. Set up a strategic a ‘target worker’, er er er here we specific duties for the ghost trip. Hold rendezvous and confirm participation. go……the following takes place between another meeting to decide on what to tell 4pm: Exit office premises and navigate 9.00 am and 4.00 pm your girl friends as the trip will include to the rendezvous location to pick up 9am: Jet into office with a face masked going out of town for about a week. participants; proceed to Entebbe for the with optimism to convince the boss that Confirm to the girlfriend that you will boat cruise. you actually worked on the assignment be attending a capacity building and The End. that strategically delayed into the community awareness seminar in Moroto. Of course weekend. Truth is: the assignment was Whatever capacity building means! By Isaac buddies and well wishers making sure to administer hugs to all office bunnies. Occasionally greet the office cleaner, feed him on some raw disguised charisma, Top Tax Payer. before inspiring him to go purchase the It’s about that time again, when companies with the favorable of economic times, collapse of companies morning pancakes on your behalf. majority taxable profit will receive awards as the Top is as certain as death, because some managers simply 9.3am: Settle down at your desk and Tax “payer”. Something is fundamentally the problem do not know when to stop when they go down that perform the following tasks for the day here. For starters, companies do not pay taxes; they risky lane. When they treat shareholder funds as their Eat breakfast (pancakes and NIDO- neat) collect taxes from customers for goods and services own, and speak their thousand words on stock options Review weekend soccer matches and get exchanged in the process. And our revenue friends and maneuvers, biting their nails as the speculative the latest episode of 24 in this generation do not collect taxes, no, that is forces bite hard. Tune into office chick beef, offer done by the companies which religiously ensure I must thank customers for paying taxes to ensure allegiance to the chick on the issuing end deductions are done from the customer end. Instead that our less fortunate friends can find medication of the beef our revenue friends audit the taxes received to make in Hospital, that roads are built, and that Free Diss translated South American T.V sure they are adequate given the transactions at the Primary education takes place. I thank companies company’s end. for diligently collecting the taxes. I also thank our soaps, the next worse thing after ‘Grey’s Go to any revenue branch and you will notice, it is the revenue friends who receive and efficiently avail Anatomy’ officials of companies that have collected the taxes the resources for development projects and proper Update face book profile that are actually queuing up to deliver the customers functioning of government. The trinity of customer, Present the results of last week’s ghost tax to the receiving officer. It is a complete reversal company, and customs is a very healthy relationship, field trip to the line manager. Clearly of roles. That could pass unnoticed, but to go as far one that fosters development. highlight to him the key issues especially as reward and acknowledge companies that have Our only enemy here is age old practices of the field expenses that need to be apparently ‘paid’ the most taxes is quite astounding. over reliance on psychology in conducting our reimbursed as the previous disbursements Companies do not have a production process that businesses. With revenue rationalizing that by from the finance coffers were insufficient churns out taxes, instead they create value, load taxes rewarding companies as top taxpayers, they will so you had to encroach on personal onto it for the customer to pay. But on the Oscars improve transparency in the collection process savings which we all know are non- of Tax payers in Kampala, when the who-is-who’s and also motivate other companies to tap into this existent. have strut their stuff, when the customer fueled heavy marketing Oscar by also being seen as very 10.30am: Like a true PAN-African, listen 4X4s show up, the last thing to be mentioned are compliant. Companies are also eager to persuade to Oliver Ngoma in fact sing along fairly the customers. Instead, a week later, the tax Oscar the customer that their product/service should be loud but the melody should fall short of winning companies will flush more money on full favorably consumed because they are diligent in the M.D’s ears. page prints ‘thanking’ customers for making them remitting the funds. 11am: Break time, recall office cleaner win the award. While we may applaud this act as Whichever direction the Ugandan ‘Tax Oscars’ take, and send for groundnuts. Eat groundnuts companies are finally realizing that the real tax payer we hope staff from companies will show up in vans of course; make sure to offer equal rations should be recognized, we are reminded that this is and save on fuel expenses, we hope that a charity will of the seeds to both the secretary and the another marketing gimmick, whose expense will be conducted in favor of the less fortunate customers, new intern, to reduce the risk of dejection have to be factored into the outputs as these are not we hope that companies will forfeit their news spread charities. and instead divert the funds to charities, we hope costs at the office party. Contrary to popular belief, companies do love hard will be kept at the minimum. It is not that we love the 12am: Requisition for external auditors’ times. Because finally they get to have an excuse for makers of the products and services we consume, we lunch making sure to include your name escalating their prices, and when you get to the bottom only hope, that with reduced extravagant wastages and three other department loungers on of it, there is no proportional rational for raising those and costs, companies will be fair enough to translate the list of beneficiaries of the free lunch. figures. They love to ride on the emotion of the day, that into lower prices and more efficient production. If the line manager requests for reason when people believe times are hard, they will easily We, your customers, are watching. of your inclusion, answer appropriately; part with an extra penny ‘knowing’ that the companies ‘We have been attending to audit queries providing those services are struggling too. They By Ronald Rwakigumba of which discussions will continue over even point to collapsed companies as a reminder lunch to ensure efficiency’. that the going is tough. But we all know in the most

4 www.theworkzine.com The Workzine - 10 Jun 2010

Urban Legend: The Worst Waitress in the world speaks out.

Proffessional secrets, tips on how waitress in the world? considered myself to be way too to suck as a waitress, gorgeous for words. I still do. In Some of them I have already fact, I believe that I am too pretty Tell us about yourself: mentioned—hating the customers to serve drinks and take-away as if they stole both your man and and that is part of what forms my I am the worst waitress in the your children and forgetting their attitude of serving with contempt. world . I am lazy and inefficient, I orders for example. Some special The customers don’t deserve me. not only forget the details of your skills include bringing them the order, I often forget that you made wrong meal. For example, if Q: Don’t take this the wrong an order in the first place. I even a customer asks for chips and way, but you’re not really that forget that you exist sometimes chicken, bring them rice and a hot... if you are a customer. My brain chap, with no gravy or sauce at can go and assume that the all and then fix them with a blank Fuck you. I am so that hot and you people sitting at the tables are just gaze when they ask you how you know it. wandered in under the mistaken expect them to eat that. assumption that this restaurant was It’s also an oldie, but a goodie, Q: So, continue telling us about a taxi stage, and they are waiting when you toss the change this accident. for some reason for a taxi going dismissively onto the table as if it to Kyambogo to drive in and pick is filthy and you want nothing to Yes, I just stopped by to get a part- them up. do with it. time job as a waitress while, well, If a customer asks for a Mountain waiting for a rich man to scoop Q: What goes into being an Dew, bring them a beer and open it me up and either marry me or be awful waitress such as yourself? so they have to pay for it. my sugar daddy -- either way pay my bills, or for some sort of A lot of people assume that it is Q: Surely they won’t have to pay fashion talent to manifest itself in stupidity. But they are wrong. It’s for it. me so that I can go on to be Sylvia not that we are dense, though a lot Owori. So I came to this take- of dreadful waitresses are thick as If you decide to practice in a away to earn a bit of change. a buffalo hair weave, if you want restaurant with good security Unfortunately the rich man and to rise to my level of sucking as a personnel, they will have to pay the talent are both taking their waitress, you need more than just for it. time in showing up, so I grew idiocy. You need to cultivate an bitter and jaded and found myself attitude of contempt for not only Q: What inspired you to become taking out my life frustrations the job you are paid to do, but for a bad waitress? What was your on the customers and after a the customer as well. You have motivation? while I found that whereas it to see the customer as a blight on does not provide the same kind your existence. You have to learn Well I can’t say it’s all I ever of fulfilment as a job well done, to treat each and every person wanted to be in life. It wasn’t it helps me channel all the beef I who makes an order as if they are my dream or anything. I actually have at the world. It helps me vent. offering you herpes. It’s all about just stumbled into this career of the attitude. being a fucking lousy piece of Q: Do you spit in people’s food? shit waitress just by accident. I Q: What special skills do you wanted to be a fashion designer Yes. All the time. need to rise to being the worst first, or a model, because I always www.theworkzine.com 5 The Workzine - 10 Jun 2010

  

  �   �               �   �   �   �  �   � � �  � �            �  � �  �             �    �   �          � �    

6 www.theworkzine.com The Workzine - 10 Jun 2010

POETRY POETRY POETRY

A Bunch of Survivors Obsession Today we have bigger houses but smaller families. More As the suns rays graze over the earth’s surface conveniences but lesser time Holding it and keeping it warm... More degrees but less common sense, more knowledge and less I remain torn and lose form because I haven’t seen you in so long! Judgment. In the depths of my dreams, We have more experts but more problems, more medicine and less It seems you captivate my me and I need to see the celestial being, wellness. We spend too recklessly, Laugh too which I call ...SHE! little, Drive too fast and get too angry too quickly. But I freeze at my knees causing me to cease movement, Stay up too late, Read too little, Watch TV too much and pray too For you are too far. seldom But despite the scars I try to reach you hard but because of this We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values distance and silence I remain in a nostalgic trance, A dance of emotions, death in slow motion Talk too much, love too little and lie too often We’ve learned how Dying to hear the tone of your voice on my phone to make a living but not a life Added years to life, not life to years But your bleakness leaves me lovelorn in disarray, We have taller buildings but shorter tempers; wider freeways but Heart beat frantic, almost in a panic narrower viewpoints. That I may lose sight of you! Spend more but have less; buy more but enjoy less. We write more, So I finally find your number, learn less; plan more, but accomplish less. Dial but you don’t seem to remember...me. Learned how to rush but not to wait; higher incomes but low morals. My biggest fears come to reality, We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more True tragedy, copies, but have less communications. A repeat of my history. Long on quantity but short on quality. These are times of fast Court, jail time, restraining orders, foods and slow digestions; Tall men and short characters; more leisure, But this only emotes me further. less fun; Two incomes but more divorces, fancier houses but broken I will try harder until I finally convince her that am her one and true homes. lover. Some people have ways and means while others have hopes and Her one and only, dreams. Without whom shed be lonely, Some have everything, others have nothing. In this age of And I would hold her closely... scientific atrocity, nuclear mis-energy and atomic mis-philosophy; it’s Make her realise that her fairy tales can become a reality!! always going to be a war that forces lifelong insecurity. No man can love her as much as I do, Believe me or not we are all simply a bunch of survivors. All those feeble lines they speak are not true. Can’t you see that this world was made for me and you...baby? By SSEMAKALU SHAFIQUE [email protected] But I will not stress, She loves me too and this distance is leaving her distressed. That explains her lack of memory of me. Soccer Trials So I will remind her of that we shared, Though we have never met An hour and a half of confusion I bet when she sees me she will embrace me with love and appreciation... Ninety minutes of loneliness I mean…am Jason.

Five thousand Four Hundred seconds of Noise God bless facebook and the ignorance of my beautiful she. Either that or she put her home address up for me... I told you she wants me! This is the price I pay too often Its 8pm and am off to see her. My better half is taken up a lot She’s refused to take my calls... NO, my love is a hard worker, she’s just busy. He does not think about me And if you ask why she doesn’t call me back again…its simple, She has no airtime!

And he does not even think of himself I am at her door now, flowers in hand. Once in a while he gets in a fight She told me she likes white roses... Ok I gathered that from Moses. Coming to our bed with no tooth I knock at her door, Heart pounding, blood rushing to all e right places... I wonder if she knows what my name is! Or getting back home really broke The door unlocks, smile on my face, Because the bet did not go his way And standing before me...is not my beauty! It’s some tall hideous muscular thing, When will I be relieved of this? Staring down at me. I open my mouth trembling, Wipe the sweat that’s showering and the words manage to squeak out: When will I have the liberty to be happy? “Are you interested in buying a flower for your lover?” He slams the door. And now there is a worse part He’s lucky he hadn’t stayed standing there longer. I would have beaten him to a pulp and left him on the floor! The World Cup is here! But then I evict e thoughts that he’s her other lover…he must be her brother. She belongs to me and I will not bother. God help me for I can’t take this anymore!! I will just sleep in her garden of flowers, Sniff at her beautiful essence Kyomushana Carol Leticia And wait for tomorrow!! Jason ntaro www.theworkzine.com 7 The Workzine - 10 Jun 2010

Sports Dump : World Cup Fact and Fiction

If you love the World Cup, you Hungary in 1954, he was jumped squad of attractive women to the will agree with me that footballers on by delighted team-mates. Dutch team hotel before the 1974 are potentially extremists. Take When they got up they discovered final, leading to a story headlined for instance, I was innocently Hohberg had passed out. R.I.P ‘Cruyff, Champagne, Naked Girls leafing through the internet Belgium’s Jean Langenus reffed And A Cool Bath’. Anyone? during working hours (I just had the 1930 Argentina v Uruguay When Brazil surprisingly lost the to run down that clock to 5pm) final wearing plus fours, a tie and 1950 final to Uruguay at their and unearthed some weird facts a deerstalker hat, these items went own Maracana Stadium, two fans providing a unique perspective for a whopping $4 for the antique committed suicide by jumping to the tournament. I tried to rank collectors. Cheap off a stand but post mortem later them from weird to downright On the way home from the 2002 revealed a bad case of gonorrhea. weirdest, and this what I came finals, the Senegal side stopped Pssss up with. So from with no specific off for a diplomatic visit in Cameroon legend Roger Milla is order, er er all together now…. Taiwan, where it is said players said to have been arrested in 1992 Heat at the 1954 game between were ministered to by 37 different after his plan to organize a Pygmy Austria and Switzerland was call girls. Mr. Kaman, the pimp, World Cup drew only a handful of so intense that one player got complained about the excess spectators to the country’s 50,000- hyperthermia the opposite of request for big bummed call girls seat Omni sports Stadium. By the hypothermia while another as these were short on supply. third day, the disgruntled little became disoriented and wandered True African men folk, from local rain forests, were off the pitch during the game, at Ronaldo decided to switch to his complaining about being locked one point being seen ‘defending’ ‘half-moon’ hairstyle in the later in a guarded room underneath while standing behind his own stages of the 2002 tournament the ground with only one meal of goal after he saw his infant son Ronald rice and sauce in 72 hours. Said A search of the crowd before the kissing a picture of Roberto a spokesman: “You don’t know 1930 World Cup final uncovered Carlos, apparently believing the the pygmies. They are extremely 1,500 revolvers. Half the crowd defender was his dad. Statistics difficult to control. They play was from Colombia and the for the Brazil against England better if they don’t eat too much,” United states, later there was a showed that Ronaldo never passed argued the spokesman. I guess world war 2 between the two the ball to Carlos. Frustration the celebration was enough for nations. A German newspaper sent a you to get our attention, but for Garrincha, Brazil’s World Cup the pygmy world cup..ill advised hero of 1968 and 1962, lost his move virginity at age 12 to a goat. He The 1990 ‘art’ film Cicciolina And went on to father 14 children and, Moana At The World Cup features on his deathbed in 1983 with two porn stars who sleep their cirrhosis of the liver, was still way through the opposition, tiring reported to be drinking heavily out star performers like thinly- and bedding his nurses. Peace?!!! disguised versions of Jurgen The great Soviet keeper Lev Klinsmann and Diego Maradona Yashin’s pre-match routine was and enabling Italy to win. Tactics “have a smoke to calm your gone right nerves, then toss back a strong drink to tone your muscles.” So Mufumbiro Isaac much swag for the pitch When Juan Hohberg scored a late equalizer for Uruguay against

8 www.theworkzine.com The Workzine - 10 Jun 2010

Jogging Music : Word Definitions

I hated jogging while i was a the part when one of those chaps don’t sing along to any of these songs university student. However with goes like “ o’ina ability, afterwards when they happen to be played off the demands of a working life, i did you may need to schedule an the stereo of the taxi , then consider not get as much time to play games appointment with the ENT surgeon yourself an official douchbag. and in due course a few kilos were soon. put on. The jogging became a must. Nugu: This isn’t an English word. The first days were hard, but i soon Translation: if “how will i know”by It has only been used because even realised it was ten times easier to Lucky Dube were ever to be sang the most religious English speaking jog with music in your ears because in luganda, i think the closest Ugandan will not define it as jealousy it gave a good jogging pace and presentation would be ngamba ( ( though that is the right definition) kept one going. I soon learnt that radio and weasel). because jealousy doesn’t carry the the choice of music mattered since magnitude that nugu does. Which i listened to virtually anything that Nauseating: listening to the same song hasn’t sold because of some had a tune to it (yes, even those bass line in the majority of Dr subset of nugu? More irking is the vernacular news readers who add a Hilderman’s Songs. For such a fact that this “marketing strategy” tune to their reading style). At these weirdly good vocalist, can’t we has been swallowed whole by the times my I-pod is my revered partner hear just one different pattern to a unsuspecting public. and the mood of the day determines bassline? the kind of music to listen to. As you Real Music: I give tribute to the give your legs a morning stretching Potential: rescue me ( Toniks ft crop of artists who insist of using exercise and try to listen to Uganda’s Goodlyfe)- a simple snare drum beat “natural” instruments to back up best releases, you can’t help but think with a simple bass line and a groovy their already beautiful lyrics. Those of definitions of words based on the dancehall beat which was edited well artists who display some element of songs you are listening to. The words in the studio with less emphasis on acoustic music (read kadongo kamu) and their definitions came up as an amplified bass that most Ugandan and can only be heard on Sunday effort to prevent myself from getting music is synonymous with. afternoons off Radio 2, or Vision FM disgusted. Here’s a list of words i are the ones who should be at the managed to think of and remember: Copyright infringement: what fore of Uganda’s music. A new crop those dudes who sung “ability” of young artists who are resurrecting Excruciating: goodlyfe’s number should have thought about before jazz the afro way with full blown 1. This has a fairly good beat that reconfiguring the beat of “all of bands and well tested sound systems; most Ugandan hits are notable for the above (maino ft. T-pain)” and the others who we only get to hear and then some other blokes think up producing an even lousier song. in church but manage to reproduce some words use the same beat and that hillsong record to the detail of subject us to the same torture that Ingenuity: GNL’s “kikankane” fits the last beat played by the drummer we had to endure when the number 1 this spot with diabolical accuracy. and last but not least the seasoned was just released. It’s a wonder that How in bleeding hell did/does that bands like Afrigo that have survived a certain promotion that was based guy come up with all those lyrics? all storms. Their music is surely a on the release of this “number emu” pleasure to listen to all the time and did not give the needed challenge to Rhyming: The most wrongly will leave a lone jogger running the already existing promotions like followed and yet unwritten regulation longer distances as good memories pakalast (amazing that a beat was of songs written in Uganda. A listener are stirred up. made with this word reverberating gets the feeling that the artists who in the background). One continues try to do an afro pop song at 190 bpm By Kalisa Micheal ( Goodlyfe ft rabadaba) sounds as have to agree that “Mama Mia” and awfully silent as the “g” in “gnash”? “Nekolela Maali” will tickle some If you haven’t then pay attention to memory in every one of us. If you www.theworkzine.com 9 The Workzine - 10 Jun 2010

My Playlist

This is what is on “most frequently a woman. I often get to thinking that played” on my kaSansadisc. love is very close to neurosis. If they don’t live in the same house, they Airplanes: share a fence and a driveway. But this B.o.B. featuring Hayley Willaims of song wants to convince me that there is Paramore. I knew the something holy about love. minute I heard this song leak that it was going to hit number on on You’re Everything To Me- Monica: Billboard. Okay, it’s number two, but Now I have loved Monica’s voice deeply Feedback On The Previous that’s close enough. since back in the day when everyone else Column saw the point in Celine Dion and it flew Mr Kataala- Bobi Wine: right past me. To see her come back like Cinderella simply rocks. I like the way The song was meh, but the video this . completely did it for me. This cheeky she sprung up to her feet so quickly bastard. They should send him to the Two is Better Than One, Boys Like after her being sacked from the sing naughty Girls and Taylor Swift: corner for abusing his friends like that. What’s a Taylor Swift? When the man group BLU3 and that nude photo with the kyalani fixes my shirt quickly? exhibit over the news. She is strong, Not As We- Alanis Morisette: What’s a Boys Like Girls? Boys who Talented, hardworking….name it, As gripping, as suddenly, intricately epic are similar to girls, or boys who have an as a season of House. affinity for girls? But this was a song I Grace,…issh-issh! couldn’t listen to only once. Nusra Nalukenge Washington Square- Counting Crows: [email protected] I didn’t immediately like CC’s album Hells Wind Staff- Wu Tang Clan: Saturday Nights Sunday ornings, not RZA is the beatmaker of the Wu Tang until this song finally made its way in. Clan, a man who makes tracks that sound Being a style freak, I go with Grace all About leaving and never coming back like he got a baton and started conducting and then missing what you can never go a thunderstorm. the way. Her style, sense of fashion, back to. vocal prowess, killer smile….she rocks! Kagimu Ibrahim Cashmere Thoughts- Jay-Z: My Fault- Eminem: There’s a category of rap I don’t listen to. In anticipation of his new album, [email protected] I don’t listen to rapper brag about selling Recoverly, Em released a mixtape of his drugs and killing people, no matter what old joints on new tracks. Just to remind Grace is the definition of hot, down the rappers skill level. It’s just a matter of those of us who had forgotten (or chose principle. But Jay-Z makes me break this to erase the memory after Relapse) that to earth and trendy both in the videos rule. Few people have that “What? What he was once a bad MC and on stage.ooh she is such a diva and did he just do with those words?!” factor like Jigga. Hey Soul Sister: Cindy,…well…the ‘joker’ I guess! Train. Train lead singles usually grab me Nakitto Aisha Hurt Me Soul- Lupe Fiasco: pretty much instantly, but this one took a [email protected] Lupe has that “What? What did he while to grow on me. just do with those words?!” factor in spadefuls. But in this song, this song in Ich Keine Nicht- Xavier Naidoo: Cindy ayokya yokya en no otha gal particular, he takes it further and explains I’ve emailed this song all over the beats that,….go Cindy! you to yourself. (If you are morally internet. “Wow!” is a common response. conflicted about listening to Jay-Z) Nakubulwa Shakirah By Ernest Bzanye [email protected] Lucille- BB King: Got this just before Limewire shut down. I got the habit of naming my laptops As in style Cindy seems more credible, after women from BB King. Finally however Grace’s ‘Onyambanga’ is getting to hear the ten minute jam where he narrates how his famous Gibson guitar more appealing to the public trying to came to be called Lucille. define the relationship of man and his creator (God), I go with Grace. I’ll Work For Your Love- Bruce Springsteen: Kasujja Abdallah An almost literally devout song about [email protected]

10 www.theworkzine.com The Workzine - 10 Jun 2010

WHO ROCKS

ell be back folks from that long Wbreak, I know so much has happened around like the resignation of the most ‘uninfluential’ British premier (not that I care). But let us stick our minds back to yet another session of your favorite column ‘who rocks.’ You see it not every day that you decide on important issues in our lifestyles most especially with these bills being proposed in the Ugandan parliament to control personal judgment and freedom of speech, next time another one might be proposed to control the freedom of thought you never know. Walk of Fame successful acts of all time Until then this column gives you full power *February 2001: Awarded Grammy * In 2006 UB40 was nominated for a to pass judgment on two souls head on(in Lifetime Achievement Award Grammy Award (Reggae category) for their other words you get to play judge not God) *2004: ranked him #11 on album ‘Who You Fighting For’. without restrictions on airing out your their list of the 100 Greatest Artists of All verdict aloud (well not exactly verbally but Time *The song “”, a cover version with written words) *One Love” named song of the millennium of a song , stayed on the My lords, two legends in the music industry by BBC charts for over a hundred weeks are paraded before you to pick out the ‘man’ *Voted as one of the greatest lyricists of all * Despite great success in the UK, UB40’s and send the ‘joker’ home. Ladies and time by a BBC poll. popularity in the United States was only Gentlemen we have BOB Nesta MARLEY *2006: A plaque dedicated to him by established after they released Labour of from against British band UB40, Nubian Jak community trust and supported Love, an album of cover songs, in 1983. who rocks!! by Her Majesty’s Foreign Office. The album reached No. 1 on the UK Please send in your judgment and feed back *2010 “Catch a Fire” inducted into the Albums Chart and No. 8 on the Billboard to [email protected] or send a text to Grammy Hall of Fame (Reggae Album). 200 in the US. (+256)703 582278. Good Judging my Lords * In 1981 the theme tune to BBC children’s Top 5 Best Selling Singles television series You and Me was changed –One Love to a reggae version performed by UB40. BOB Nesta MARLEY (RIP) –Africa Unite * the band’s first album was – released on 29 August 1980, and entered Birth name: Robert Nesta Marley –Stir It Up the UK Albums Chart on 2 October 1980. Born: February 6,1945 –No Woman No Cry It reached as high as No. 2 in the UK and Origin Nine Mile, Saint Ann, Jamaica spent 71 weeks in total on the chart. It is Died: May 11, 1981 (aged 36) Miami, UB40 now a Platinum album. *TwentyFourSeven, Florida, United States Genres: Reggae, The name “UB40” was selected in reference was UB40’s last with the original lineup, by , rock steady to the document issued to people claiming way of a free insert in The Mail on Sunday’s Occupations ; Singer-songwriter, musician, unemployment benefit from the UK 4 May 2008 issue. Which sold nearly three Instruments, Vocals, guitar, percussion. government’s Department of Health and million copies Years active: 1962–81 Social Security (DHSS) at the time of the * Their most successful worldwide single Milestones: *Together with the wailers band’s formation. The designation UB40 release is the cover of the Elvis Presley he introduced many to reggae music and stood for Unemployment Benefit, Form 40. ballad “(I Can’t Help) Falling In Love Revolutionarized reggae making it popular The band purchased its first instruments With You” which was the main title to the worldwide thus getting the popular tag of with £4,000 in compensation money that 1993 movie Sliver and was ‘King of reggae’. Campbell received after a bar fight during a number one hit across Europe and in the *One of the only two People who have a his seventeenth birthday celebration U.S. national day celebrated by their names in Origin: , England, UK Jamaica. Genres: , Reggae, Dub Top 5 Best Selling singles *1976: Band of the Year (Rolling Stone) Years active: 1978—present – (I can’t Help) Falling in Love With You *June 1978: Awarded the Peace Medal of Members: James Brown , Duncan –Red Red wine the Third World from the United Nations Campbell , Robin Campbell, Earl –Kingston Town *February 1981: Awarded Jamaica’s third Falconer,Norman Hassan, Brian Travers –Reasons highest honor, the Jamaican Order of Merit Astro , Tony Mullings , , *March 1994: Inducted into the Rock and Laurence Parry, Martin Meredith –Stick by me Roll Hall of Fame Former members: , Michael *1999: Album of the Century for Exodus Virtue, Patrick Tenyue Compiled by Genius Maka (Time) Milestones: *February 2001: A star on the Hollywood * UB40 is one of the most commercially

www.theworkzine.com 11 The Workzine - 10 Jun 2010

Blogstar : KEVINMD.com

By Jan Gurley, MD techs – these people are silently patients, but also the doctors who and unknowingly dosed, on a performed ENT surgery. It’s hard to look at the mug- regular basis, with the measurable, shot of the 60-year-old woman highly addictive substances that When it comes to forensic charged with tampering with float in the air at their work. workers, studies have shown forensic drug evidence (basically, that measurable amounts of stealing police-confiscated Turns out that breathing a bit of metabolized cocaine by-products cocaine) without wondering how the downstream exhale of sedated can be found in their urine just things got to this point. I mean, patients started, after a few years, from normal work-day activities. surely they weed out the felons, to get to him (or her). Studies Twenty-nine years of that, and I’m and the known addicts, and do a showed that not only were many betting you might find yourself background check, and then make anesthesiologists unknowingly jonesing more than the average you pee in a cup before they even dosed with measurable amounts grandma. hire you for a job like this. Right? from breathing the exhale of patients, but they also Even when this effect was So just exactly how can it happen actually went into symptoms of discovered, you may notice, if that a person changes, in a few withdrawal over the weekend. you look at the studies, that when boring decades – and we’re The anesthesiologists weren’t, for it comes to taking protective speaking theoretically here – from the most part, consciously aware measures for workers, the talk is being a tech with a decent job and of what was going on – they just about “minimizing” exposure. whopping benefits, to a rattled reported that they really did not NOT eliminating exposure. addict snorting residue off the feel like themselves until a few Among dog-trainers, urine by- counters? hours after they were back at work products of measurable amounts Monday morning. of cocaine were proven to be Well the answer may be found found even after the usual in a nasty little insider secret Kind of disturbing to think of protective steps (gloves, mask) that’s not commonly known – not your life being on the line after a were taken. Measures have been even among many people who weekend car-crash as your local implemented to dramatically work in the field. Just to be clear, anesthesiologist rushes into your reduce occupational exposure to we’re not talking about a theory, emergency operation with a bad these microscopic amounts of but something that’s been well- case of the shakes, isn’t it? addictive substances. But we all studied, verified, and documented. know that not every department Several studies show the effects is as well informed, or as Just not, ahem, publicized… of second-hand addiction among conscientious, as they might be. anesthesiologists. And it’s not For years, researchers have just narcotics that are a problem. Read more at http://www. shown that people who work Small amounts of cocaine have kevinmd.com/blog/2010/06/ with any addictive substance on been used clinically to reduce cocaine-drug-addiction-work- a regular basis – including nurse- blood loss in many kinds of exposures.html anesthetists, anesthesiologists, surgery. Measurable levels of people who train narcotics/ cocaine by-product have been military dogs, and forensic lab found in the urine of not only the

12 www.theworkzine.com The Workzine - 10 Jun 2010

Idler’s Corner

Ousted ?? Did anyone notice I was ousted last issue? well, the really amazing thing is that it “Brian, your article” “Brian, your article, I mean, seriously, I did write about nothing, actually gets published - something to do Brian...”sheesh, it’s almost like (wait, nothing at all, and am I in the idlers corner? with giving the editor a cookie, I mean the maybe he’s trying to serenade me…that No sirree!! Apparently my brand of writing thing made out of dough and milk, get your would be weird, NO!!) He doesn’t get how nothing is not good enough! Not good head out of the gutter. it’s supposed to work, I did explain this enough! Seriously, that doesn’t even make earlier you know, I write when I want to sense!! (ok, if you see any random misspellings, and you get the privilege of publishing it wrong capitalisations and stuff, blame the in the WorkZine. After all, it’s not like... Ok, I’m wondering now whether to blow editor, he’s too lazy to go through a whole oh, I did promise I would not bring this up my top or just breathe, breathe Brian, eight pages of large print to make sure his again. Darn it. breathe. Take a deep breath, now let it out, readers get the best and instead relies on let it all out... there, better? his writers hopeful good grade in “English” Well, on the other hand, I would lose all HA, yeah, that works! (That’s sarcasm by (that is a retarded name for a class subject my adoring fans... you have no idea how the way (not irony, I know a few verbally by the way) to ensure that the articles that much fun it is to watch someone trying to challenged thesauruses (is that the correct do make it into those fabulous (I was made scan your article for some semblance of plural?) that would try to make you believe to put in that word, dang it) eight pages are intelligence and pretending to chuckle in that (for some reason the idea of a verbally intelligible (of course when he gets caught all the wrong places just to make you feel challenged thesaurus conjures up the image out he always throws around words like good. (Well, it does, make you feel good I of Rincewind (Google him), oh yeah, he “slang” and “artistic license” yeah right) mean, some people do know how to fake it, can’t do that, conjure I mean)), just in case , but then again he does manage to get the chics (Ed., this word would be turned you didn’t pick up on that.) through 800 page volumes (ever wondered to “girl” or “ladies” or some such (you why the best books seem to be around 800 know how to use a thesaurus, right?) in You know what, I think I should just go on pages? Well I haven’t before, but I am now, another publication) seem to be better at it, strike, stop writing right here and now... curious!) on a regular, hmm, maybe he just I wonder why...). now there’s a thought - I wouldn’t have can’t be bothered. Eh, forgot I was mid- I suppose that settles it then - you’re stuck people asking me things like “but how do rant, should go back to that.) wit me. :) you do it? I mean a whole article and its about nothing!” (Just a thought, you do And I wouldn’t have Abid harping at me all By Brian Coutinho realise when you ask that question you the time (we’re still on the reasons I should The new type of gold diggers on campus hey come stylish, good-looking, and seemingly irresistible. They usually have a to use, it’s those love songs and love scenes in movies. Anything to get you to say yes. fact that he is extremely handsome will keep you locked. You will look at him and your Ttrack record of being wanted by the opposite sex of all shapes and sizes, and are You want to play hard to get? They will show you that they never give up. money will seem so petty. supposedly the experts when it comes to dating. For some reason, they are many times When you begin dating, they will be quick to announce to everyone you meet, that He will then slip into the comfort zone. He will know you are finally in the cutex bottle. approached, despite the fact that their reputation precedes them, and they rarely turn you are officially an item. They know there is nothing more girls love, like labels. My Everytime you call him to come see you, he will demand payment, and will not even down a proposal. They are relationship addicts and cannot survive without partners. girlfriend. My boyfriend. My man. My woman. Bla bla bla. The first days may be try to make it sound sweet. ‘Baby, I’m only coming over if you’re giving me fifty They do long terms relationships, of up to seven years (and that’s forever for a 16 wonderful. But trust me, this lasts only days. If you’re lucky, a week. The next week, thousand.’ Be sure to have it in hand when he arrives, or else he will turn around and year old like me), but close friends can tell that the relationship has been on the rocks he will have an urgent money problem, and his ATM card will be swallowed by leave. since year one. They are good at fooling their partners into believing that it is the real Centenary Rural Development bank, the most crowded bank in the city. He will ask At this point, your friends have warned you, but you defend your man. Ladies, this is a definition of love. These individuals know what they want, and they go for it. to borrow just a bit. He will first give you the speech about how he is so embarrassed deadly stage. You are stuck. He will demand for credit every day, and you will send it to When you dig deeper, you will realize that they are from lower- middle class to ask you, but he will surely pay you with interest as soon as possible. The following him. He will ask for ridiculous sums of money, and you will comply. When this begins families (very poor by my standards), and do not have easy access to the simple week, another problem would have come up. Being a girl, you would have expected to happen, be sure he is using that money on the next girl who is going to replace pleasures of life people their age enjoy, like pocket money every month. They love to see the signs, seeing as this is what you have been doing to all those lousy benchers you. This new type of gold digger never pays for anything. Oh, if you have been a good to hang-out and pretend to associate themselves with the ‘cool’ people in their age since you could officially wear heels. But munange, EKIGAMBO KYA LAAVU! girl, he will get his relative to take you all out. Either way, he is not picking up the bill, bracket. They insist on joining conversations about these ‘cool’ people, simply Before long, he will be finding excuses not to take you out on dates. Movies will be come hell or high waters. I could go on forever, but I have limited space. All I can say repeating what they have heard from the idle gossips of the lower class. When you borrowed and watched in your room (his is probably empty), meals will always be a is girls, PLEASE!!! WATCH OUT!!!!!!! If that is love, I beg to remain single. As my meet these ‘cool’ people who happen to be your friends, the gold diggers shy away bargain, with his excuse of lovely places being far. Your birthday?????? When??? Two friend says, ‘EYO LOVE BANNONGOSE!!!!!’ knowing their names are not even known, let alone their faces recognizable. (Wow! It’s days away??? He will pick a fight over the fact that your heels are too intimidating, NB: After all this, as much as everyone wants to claim that money should not fit into even a big deal to them!) or that your eyes seem to have dilated too quickly. Valentines day????? Oh! He will the equation when it comes to relationships, we all know that you put your money Did I mention that these gold diggers are usually from those sub- standard secondary make sure you are not on talking terms, and he will make you believe that it is your where your mouth is. Besides, we all know a man in love will give a girl even those schools (I would have mentioned a few, but I fear for my life. However, people from fault. Try and lose something with any kind of monetary value. TRY!! BANAGE huge ass teddy bears we pretend to love. Anything. If he cannot afford what she wants, the good government secondary schools know the ones I’m talking about. You know JUST DARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You will see. I put my hand to be cut off if he contributes he will find a way to make her happy. those schools. You used to avoid them whenever they happened to attend functions at even a cent. Ntekawo omumwa gwamge bagu silise! Banage just dare. Mbu nga GIRLS, LADIES, IF A MAN CANNOT SPEND ON YOU, BE SURE HE IS your schools). Their excuse is always, ‘I was supposed to go to Kings College Budo. In you’re thinking he will be like any other man and try to bail you out. Just try. Try if SPENDING ON ANOTHER ‘SHE’ HE FEELS IS WORTH IT. DON’T WASTE fact they called me in second term s.1, but I had already settled in N……’ you’re bold enough. If you’re fees has been stolen, he will pick a fight over the fact that TIME. GET UP AND LEAVE! God knows we have heard it all. Anyway that is how they lay their foundation. When the bag you were putting it in looks like it was bought by a man. Walai! After you have you meet them at a party, or anywhere for the first time, they are the ones pulling off cleared your bills, you can pick up where you left off. You might want to start with an By Nabagereka Akelly Sara Warner Kerodias Alaik that arrogant swag that is so devastatingly sexy. The ones who people love to openly apology for making him angry. (BTW im still looking for a ‘MULAANGIRA’ to marry so I can reconcile UPC hate and secretly adore. But after the first meeting, you realize they are too clingy. Their Months later, you will be tired of not going out to fun places with your HOT man, and and Buganda before 2011. Balaangira, please do not fit the above description!) friendship patterns do not go through phases, especially if you appear to be from the you will decide to start paying the bills. Ice cream, movies, dinners, beach outings, class they desire to have been born into. If there is one thing they are not embarrassed shows, you name it. If you can afford it, he will be there to make you look good. The

www.theworkzine.com 13 The Workzine - 10 Jun 2010

Know Your Rights: DISCRIMINATION

hat exactly is discrimination for which certain situations can be of that particular job shall not be deemed Waccording to the laws of Uganda? accommodated. For example if Hope to be discrimination”. In other words, In Section 6(3) of the Employment Act Evangelistic Ministries, a Christian because of the nature of the work of 2006, it states that …”discrimination NGO which is involved in evangelistic required by the job holder, their not includes any distinction, exclusion or work and community development so professing Christianity may impair their preference made on the basis of race, wishes to recruit an Executive Director, ability to effectively perform their duties. color, sex, religion, political opinion, and one of the responsibilities of this national extraction or social origin, the position includes: “Provide leadership Everyone is charged with the HIV status or disability which has the to the organization”. By requiring any responsibility of eliminating effect of nullifying or impairing the potential candidate to be a mature and discrimination. It is for this reason that treatment of a person in employment or committed Christian or even compelling Organizations that are worth their salt are occupation, or of preventing an employee every potential candidate to bring a letter doing everything in their power to ensure from obtaining any benefit under a from their local pastor, this would not they promote equal opportunity for all. contract of service.” be categorized as discrimination, why? Section 6(3) of the same act provides for By Joseph Onyder This act makes it unlawful for this kind of preference or exclusion. It of the above terms. However, like any or preference in respect of a particular well drafted law, there must be room job based on the inherent requirements ______Here is where the fight comes in for me. I know I gave you the whole Which time ? downfall of it all, and made it seem all gloomy but that is because I know that is exactly what it looks like. osing people is hard, and I you tear every now and then as you am not going to sit here and For years it was the static state you L reminisce. Losing people is hard. held yourself at. You almost became blend in or simmer, behind the Losing something is hard. Whether stereotypical phrase “Its going to complacent with it, settling with it’s the last bit of innocence that has your emotional frame of mind as the be alright”. Truth is, right now it been brutally ripped out of your skin, indubitably won’t be alright, infact it “lived gloomily ever after”. But there or that person that grabs your heart so is only so far, you can “live gloomily will be like a cancerous sore eating tight you feel your skin shiver at their away your insides. That includes ever after” because its human nature stare. Its simply just hard. to irresistibly covet happiness since your white blood cells by the way! You can feel them withering away, it effortlessly tags at our fundamental So, as vulnerable human beings, we elements. The journey begins in the as they casually welcome the have the tendency to hold onto things indecorously salted tears, feeding spiritual realm, where you whisper to that are blatantly slipping through our God’s ear that you need his heavenly away the starvation of your shrunk fingers. Even with the constant alarm heart, oxygenating your blood, in touch to break the yoke between you going off in the back of our heads, and the departed, that lingers heavily tune with a nudge at your lungs to that its a dead end we continue to dig awake before they forget to keep you in your spirit. You give the broken through the brick wall as though it fragments to the architect of this alive. We all heard the phrase “time were an addictive drug. Letting go is heals”. Why can time not answer the beautifully designed institute, with like trying to peel off your skin with undisputed belief that he will have it reason why the lady sitting next to a rubber knife. Trying to dig in, but me, is still crying over the man who fixed with every piece intact. Fuelled you can’t even feel the soft silhouette with maximum energy required, walked out on her fifteen years ago, that embodies the temple you carry, or why the seventy year old man with paid fully in cash and restored with because it’s almost inseparable with unequalled love. So question is, what amnesia who sits by the fire, can only who you are and defines what you remember one story that he recites to time do you want it delivered at your have become. The question that doorstep? his children’s children, the story of replays in the soft frontal lobe, is the love of his life, when he breaks how did I let it get this far? I can’t Brenda Bitangaro into tears with the first word he tell the difference between me and utters. Why time? Time lets pain float