Fordham University’s journal of news, comment, analysis, and review volume XXXIX The Paper issue IV Suspense! With: Michael Sulick, p. 3 Douchebags, p. 9 The Blend Cafe, p. 15 Also Starring: Comix, p. 24

Romance! In Theaters April 14, 2010 page 2 the paper april 14, 2010

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And we try our best to second guess main- Aly “Farts In Church” Kravitz stream opinion and buck the system, even if there is no call to do so. But hey, Nick “Ghostwrites for Asher Roth” Murray writing isn’t for everyone. Try reading a good book like Eternity Soup: Inside the Quest to End Aging, by Greg Critser. You might just learn something. Jake “Minor Character in Grapes of Wrath” Sanders Lauren “Canadian” Duca our aim Will “Possibly Didn’t Copyedit” Yates the paper is Fordham University’s student journal of news, analysis, comment, and review. Our aim is to give the Fordham community fresh insights on old is- Contributors sues, new thoughts on new issues, and information that other campus publications may not be able to report. We do not claim to be a newspaper of record – facts, Not Parents, Katie Levitt, Primary Colors, Caroline Egan, Sonic fi gures, and dates. Instead, we focus on the Fordham student perspective, on the Hedgehog, William Dudley, Candy, Munchiez, Munchies, thoughtful analysis, and on the comprehension of the full scope of events, rather Chris Gramuglia, Public Urination, Danny Miami, Strawberry than staggered and straight news coverage. In short, our emphasis is on the obvi- Cough, Andrew Craig, Prospective Students, Learning About ous and active role of the student writer in his or her work. We also aim to provide Hip-Hop, Keelin O’Donoghue, Large Marge, Grace Waltemyer, Fordham students a less fettered venue for expression, something they may not be Uppers and Downers, Diction, Holden McGroin, Catered Events, able to fi nd at other student publications. McShanehawk, Humphery Bogart, Real Talk, Beasts Anonymous, Basically, if we make you laugh, piss you off, or move you in some way, then Pop Physicists, Not Sunlight, PBR Cat, Car and Driver Magazine we’re doing our job. If you don’t like it, shut your pie hole (or come write for us)! April 14, 2010 the paper page 3 news CIA Clandestine Services Director Lectures, But Offers No Substance Fordham, USG Rise to the Occasion By Censoring Student Questions by Sarah Madges stan, where 80% of those killed ture on Leadership and Gov- Gordon received, it is infuriat- the president secret information EARWAX EDITOR are civilians. After compiling a ernment Service” began with ing that not one was asked and about security threats and over- list of such questions, McGov- laudatory remarks about Su- answered. seeing “covert action,” though n Thursday, March 25th, ern warned us to “anticipate him lick’s humanitarian relief ef- Moreover, never did Mi- he never elucidated what that Oformer CIA analyst/cur- fudging [the answers].” forts, service in Vietnam, and chael Sulick even mention even meant. Amidst the palaver rent pastoral associate Ray Good advice. It didn’t take his 25+ years in the CIA. Here words like “interrogation tech- Sulick did discuss the chang- McGovern spoke to Fordham long to realize Michael Sulick I’d like to make a few conces- niques” (he’d never actually ing realities post-9/11, and even Anti-War Coalition members to had no intention of answering sions. First, as a student-run use the word “torture”) or “Af- talked about how the U.S. “re- brainstorm pertinent questions any of our kinds of questions, event (before which the admin- ghanistan and Pakistan,” which moved the regime and restored preceding the USG-sponsored ironic given that event promo- istration told student leaders to are current buzzwords in his the Shah [of Iran] to his throne” Michael Sulick lecture. Both tions quoted the Gos- Sulick, looking mildly surprised that his specialized line of in the 1950s, though he didn’t he and Sulick attended Ford- pel of John: “the truth audience expects him to talk about some- work. Instead, Su- clarify that this referred to the ham University, majored in and shall set you free,” as thing substantive. lick spoke vaguely elected Mossadegh government mastered Russian Language & Dan LoPreto (FCRH about how cool it that the CIA overthrew. Despite Literature, and spent decades Class of 2011) point- was to be the fi rst nods to his Jesuit upbringing, working for the CIA, but devi- ed out to me. The truth CIA offi cer to alight Sulick’s only acknowledgment ated paths when McGovern re- of the CIA-trained in the Soviet Re- of such morally dubious ac- tired and began to expose the guerillas who killed publics after 1991 tivities were brief mentions of CIA, believing it is no longer six Jesuits as well as and how the CIA the “moral compass” a job in what President Truman intend- thousands of civilians didn’t issue super- the CIA required, and the fact ed. For example, Sulick, as the in El Salvador (while high-tech cars, if that “public service requires Director of the National Clan- Fordham annually that’s what we ex- sacrifi ce and tough decisions,” destine Service, is in charge of sends students to Fort pected. This self- though he never provided any “covert action,” a euphemism Benning to protest declared “Fordham specifi c examples. for unmanned drones deployed such horrors) wasn’t boy” began with a While you’d think during over combat zones in Afghani- mentioned. Nor was shout-out to other Q&A we’d learn details about stan and Pakistan to search it said that the pro- CIA/Fordham al- exactly what Sulick’s been do- and destroy insurgents. Debra posed counterinsur- ums (clearly trying ing those three decades in the Sweet of the World Can’t Wait gency tactics in Iraq to raise a new army CIA, most of the hand-selected (an organization that repudi- have been called “the of CIA agents), like questions (Gordon screened the ates the occupations of Iraq El Salvador Method.” John Brennan and questions to limit irrelevant or and Afghanistan) told us about How about Sulick’s Ray McGovern. infl ammatory remarks, though Georgetown professor Gary position’s role in doz- Without mention- it smelled suspiciously of cen- Solis’s article in the Washing- ens of covert coups, ing he and Bren- sorship) were comparatively ton Post that claimed those CIA such as the 1973 nan’s infamous benign softball questions, ask- agents under Sulick’s aegis are overthrow of Chilean waterboarding tor- ing, for example, what being unlawful combatants. As civil- President Allende? ture program, he in the CIA is like. When some- ians, they lack uniforms and Never touched upon. began his lecture one asked about the unintended insignia, as well as clearance to You’d think he’d complain quell any protest planned), the by talking about the terrorists loss of civilian lives from drone participate directly in hostilities about how diffi cult it is to fi ght lecture focused on how Ford- who “threaten to destroy our warfare, Sulick joked: “Security according to the Geneva Con- terrorists using the tactics the ham infl uenced Sulick’s career, way of life,” and from there breach!” and didn’t answer. ventions. For the Q&A section CIA trained them (in the 1980s not his policy decisions. Sec- proceeded to gush about how The second time this pro- of the lecture, McGovern sug- the U.S. helped train the Muja- ond, it is natural to avoid politi- his exposure to Dostoevsky at vocative question slipped by gested we address the immoral- heddin as they fought the Soviet cally sensitive topics that evoke Fordham helped him charm bore even more telling results. ity that accompanies this unlaw- Union, and in 1986 the CIA un- diametric opposition. Nonethe- Soviet informers. Rather un- A Fordham Ph.D. student had fulness in terms of how just war der Sulick built an underground less, given the enormous infl ux like the CIA stereotype you’d written: “Given the execution of theory (which requires compar- camp at Khost, where bin Laden of policy-centered questions apprehend, Sulick was familiar civilians that the US technically ative justice wherein the injus- trained recruits in guerrilla war- that I know Executive President with the audience, joking that sponsors, how do you defi ne tice suffered by one party must fare). But he never broached of Student Life Patrick Scotti, he fell asleep in the very room terrorism?” on his index card. outweigh that suffered by the these truths. USG Vice President Mike Rec- in which we were seated. He However, Gordon truncated the other) justifi es drones in Paki- Instead, the “Inaugural Lec- ca, and President John Tully described his job as providing (continued on p.7) in this editorials arts features comix issue:

Ladies like fried Scoping out the Our guide to Bring on the Oreos, too! p.9 Blend Cafe, p.15 Record Store Day, Springtime, p.24 p.20 page 4 the paper April 14, 2010 Polish President Dies in Plane Crash Top Government, Military Offi cials Also Perish by Sean Bandfi eld remains uncertain; pilots can election will take place. Valasek described the loss as mittee that would investigate NEWS CO-EDITOR only deviate from air traffi c Executive powers of the “the decapitation of the military the cause of the crash (though The Republic of Poland suf- control instructions when they Polish government fall largely services.” Putin’s authority over such an fered a devastating loss Satur- have very good reason to do so, upon the prime minister. That Suspicions quickly turned to investigation might not instill day when a plane carrying the such as the presence of an im- position is currently held by the condition of the President’s the greatest confi dence among country’s President, fi rst lady, mediate safety hazard. Eyewit- Donald Tusk, who was not jet, a Tupolev 154 built in 1990. Polish citizens). and scores of top military and ness accounts indicate that the aboard the President’s plane. But despite any concerns about Kaczynski was elected pres- government offi cials crashed airbase was blanketed in heavy But while the integrity of the the plane’s age, the aircraft ident in 2005, and held a fi erce while attempting to land at a fog, and the plane approached Polish government is not in had recently been refurbished rivalry with current Prime Min- Russian airstrip. All 96 passen- too low and too and was operating ister Donald Tusk, whom he President Lech Kaczynski with his wife Maria. gers were killed, leaving the fast before break- well. Paul Duffy, defeated in the election. Kac- Polish government with the task ing up among a Russian aviation zynski was not a widely popu- of reorganizing its infrastructure trees at the end of expert, explained lar president, especially among and sending the Polish people the runway. to the BBC that the youth of Poland. However, into a state of shock and mourn- Despite the many accidents whatever the political opinions ing. loss of the Presi- in the region are of the Polish people, they re- Among the dead are Pol- dent, the Pol- not due to aircraft main devastated by the incident, ish President Lech Kaczynski, ish government malfunction, but to as was evident by the words of his wife Maria, Chief of Na- is not expected lower adherence to Polish citizen Magdalena Hen- tional Security Offi ce Alek- to suffer a great safety standards on drysiak: “There is going to be sander Szczyglo, Chairman of disturbance in the ground: “The a huge gap in public life in Po- the National Bank of Poland operation. In ac- Tu-154 operates land. The most important people Slawomir Skrzypek, and vari- cordance with in regions with are dead.” ous other high ranking fi gures. Poland’s con- not very good air President Obama responded The President had been en route stitution, the traffi c control and to Kaczynski’s death by remem- from Warsaw to Russia in order presidency has navigation equip- bering him as “a distinguished to observe the 70th anniversary been assumed by ment, and in very statesman” who “was widely of the Katyn Massacre, in which Marshal of the diffi cult weather admired in the United States as over 20,000 Polish prisoners of Sejm Bronislaw conditions.” a leader dedicated to advancing war were executed by Soviet se- Komorowski (the Polish citizens freedom and human dignity.” cret police. Polish parliament is composed jeopardy, the Polish military took to the streets in mourning, Even Prime Minister Tusk, who According to reports, air of two houses: the upper house suffered massive losses. The amassing fl owers and candles had a volatile relationship with traffi c controllers at Smolensk of the Senate, and the lower head of the air force, the head outside of the presidential pal- Kaczynski, recognized the im- airbase ordered the plane to di- house of the Sejm). Polish law of the navy, and the commander ace in Warsaw and displaying portance of his presidency and vert to another airport because mandates that a new election of land forces were all victims the nation’s fl ag from windows, the severity of the disaster that of dangerous weather condi- take place within 60 days of the of the crash, as was the military donning them with black rib- took his life, calling it “the most tions. However, the President’s death of an incumbent presi- Chief of Staff. Tomas Valasek, bons. Likewise, Russians ex- tragic event of the country’s fl ight crew attempted to land at dent; Komorowski, who was from the Center for European pressed their sadness, leaving post-war history.” In relation to Smolensk despite the warnings. already a candidate in Poland’s Reform, explained that “the en- fl owers outside of the Polish the unimaginable devastation Why President Kaczynski’s upcoming presidential election, tire top military brass, including embassy in Moscow, and Rus- Poland received during the Sec- pilot chose to disregard the in- will have the responsibility of the chief of defense and all the sian Prime Minister Vladimir ond World War, that’s a power- structions of air traffi c control announcing exactly when that services, were on the plane.” Putin pledged to oversee a com- ful testament indeed. Popes Possibly Protected Pedophile Priests Vatican Attempts to Defl ect Blame... Again by Emily Genetta Raniero Cantalamessa com- countability by blaming it on spread child sexual abuse by case remains in question as-- for EXECUTIVE CO-EDITOR pared the backlash to anti-Semi- women’s rights activists and members of the Catholic clergy, some reason-- Pope Benedict It’s hard to say for sure what tism. He quoted a letter purport- gay rights activists. Not only is and direct accusations of neg- XVI asked for and received im- Jesus would do if he were around ed to be from a ‘Jewish friend,’ the Church “pass[ing…] the re- ligence on the part of Benedict munity from prosecution by the today, but there are a few things stating, “ The use of the stereo- sponsibility and personal wrong XVI or his predecessor in en- Bush justice department. As for he defi nitely wouldn’t do. He type, the passage from the re- to that of the whole [group],” abling widespread child sexual John Paul II, reports have sur- wouldn’t strangle kittens, for sponsibility and personal wrong (as the Jewish friend wrote) abuse have come from the ma- faced that several bishops and example. He also wouldn’t pee to that of the whole reminds us they’re passing it to represen- jority of provinces in Germany archbishops wrote to him urg- on your grandmother, or bomb of the most shameful aspects of tatives of the same two minor- (where the former-Cardinal ing him not to promote a sus- hospitals, or blame advocates anti-Semitism.” The Vatican ity groups they’ve been kicking Ratzinger is from); Ontario, pected-child abuser to the Epis- for different minorities’ rights Spokesman Federico Lombardi around for centuries. They were Canada; and Arizona, Ken- copate. The Pope ignored their for the outrage surrounding al- later clarifi ed that this was not so eager to defend themselves tucky, Texas, and Wisconsin in pleas and the priest in question legations that he enabled child the Vatican’s offi cial opinion, that the traditional Easter ser- the United States. Hundreds worked in the Vatican until his molesters. The Vatican, how- probably because he realized vice even opened with a ringing of victims have come forward retirement in 2004. Four years ever, has done just that (the last it was ridiculous. The Vatican defense of the pontiff. “[...I]t’s so far in these cases, and many later, in 2008, he was arrested thing, not the strangling kittens waited until Tuesday, April 6, not Christ’s fault if Judas be- prominent members of the cler- for molesting 13 boys in On- thing… as far as we know). In to share its own opinion, which trayed him,” Cardinal Sodano gy are supporting their accounts tario. March, international allegations managed to be even more de- explained. “It’s not a bishop’s of abuse and providing the evi- Whether or not the allega- began to surface that reports of spicable. The AP reported that fault if one of his priests is dence that partial blame lies tions prove true-- and, again, child abuse were ignored or con- the Vatican’s defense claimed stained by the grave wrongdo- with Pope John Paul II or Pope considering the number of cealed by higher-ups, including “accusations that [the Pope] ing. And certainly the pontiff is Benedict XVI. In Germany in them, there’s a good chance that previous pontiff John Paul II helped cover up the actions of not responsible.” If Jesus were the early 1980s, the then- Ach- at least a few will-- the Vatican’s and the current pope, Benedict pedophile priests are part of an still in his grave, he’d be rolling bishop Ratzinger had a priest remaining credibility should be XVI, previously known as Car- anti-Catholic ‘hate’ campaign over in it; there is plenty of evi- suspected of abuse transferred destroyed in this scandal. The dinal Ratzinger. Such allega- targeting [him] for his opposi- dence that the bishops and pon- into his archdiocese. The man Church handled the accusations tions are nothing new within the tion to abortion and same-sex tiff are responsible, not for the was allowed to continue with in the most reprehensible way Catholic Church, but the sheer marriage.” If any words were straw man allegations the Car- his pastoral work, although, imaginable: claiming to be the scale of this recent scandal and worthy of a spit-take, it would dinal created, but for fi nding out according tothe Archbishop, victim of prejudice and then the high statuses of those ac- be those. about “grave wrongdoing” and he was receiving therapy. As shifting the blame to activists cused is defi nitely shocking Yes, instead of taking real allowing it to continue. Cardinal, Ratzinger allowed from the two groups that actu- news. The Vatican and some of responsibility for enabling child The sheer number of accu- charges of abuse from all over ally experience signifi cant prej- its occupants disagree, chalking sexual abuse, instead of even sations from across the Western the United States to languish for udice – from the Church no less. up the outrage to anti-Catholic fully acknowledging how aw- world is pretty compelling in years in the Vatican without any That is defi nitely something that sentiment. ful and disgusting child sexual and of itself. Austria, Ireland, action being taken. He is being Jesus would not do. On Friday, April 2, the abuse is, the Vatican has ratio- and the Netherlands are dealing sued by victims in Kentucky, Pope’s personal preacher, Rev. nalized the angry calls for ac- with the revelations of wide- though the legitimacy of the April 14, 2010 the paper page 5 the paper’s Extra-Special un-PC “Let’s-be-Critical-of-Israel” Section!

immediately, a striking diver- tered into restricted parts of East East Jerusalem Settlement Disputes gence from the last two admin- Jerusalem and planted trees as a istrations’ stances on the issue. sign of the Palestinian presence Raise Eyebrows the World Over; Israel has been quick to show its there. However, the continued offense at these remarks; Prime fi ring of rockets into Israel by No One Does Anything About It Minister Benjamin Netanyahu Hamas from Gaza, often at the pulled out at the last minute supposedly non-violent events, by Will Yates settlements is still contested in nearly doubling their numbers from the landmark nuclear arms has undermined the validity of STAFF PUTZ one of the most crowded and in the neighborhood. deal in Washington, dealing a this new movement. In December of last year, mixed parts of the nation, East Last week there was yet blow to what has been one of At present, change seems Nabeel al-Kurd and his extend- Jerusalem. This land was never another development as Is- Obama’s biggest victories in unlikely and the situation is at ed family of 54 individuals were offi cially part of the state of Is- rael approved plans to destroy offi ce. The plans for the Ramat an impasse. Although nearly evicted from their home in the rael, but the Israeli government the Shepherd Hotel, a famous Shlomo houses were announced every major group and govern- Sheikh Jarrah neighborhood of captured and subsequently oc- landmark owned by a Palestin- while Joe Biden was visiting ment expect for a handful of East Jerusalem. Jewish settlers cupied it, along with the West ian family, and build homes Jerusalem, a clear attempt to right-wing Israelis strongly op- had been granted the right by Bank and other Arab areas, dur- there. This project is backed and show that the government was poses the expansion, it seems the Israeli Supreme Court to ing the 1967 war with Syria. As funded by the Jewish-American not backing down under inter- no one will take the steps to move in; they did so, destroy- it is, East Jerusalem is very much millionaire Irving Moshowitz, a national pressure. Hillary Clin- stop it beyond voicing opinion ing and stealing most of the al- an Arab neighborhood with a well-known supporter of the ex- ton and other top offi cials have and returning to inaction. The Kurd family’s possessions in the Jewish minority, but the Prime pansion into East Jerusalem. been scrambling to show that reality is that doing anything process. Nabeel set up a protest Minister and right-wing Israelis While this kind of tension is the U.S. is still squarely behind beyond lightly criticizing Israel tent, in which he lived adjacent have plans to change that. This nothing new, the latest unusual Israel. Clinton recently spoke at is not acceptable by an unwrit- to the house until private secu- year has seen a huge push by the turn has caused an outcry from AIPAC, a powerful pro-Israel ten rule in international poli- rity forces employed by the set- government in favor of slowing many different third parties. Re- lobby in Washington, and called tics. Quiet opinion and inaction tlers destroyed it. Nabeel says colonization of East Jerusalem, cently, Ban ki-Moon, Secretary the administration’s support for have been the tactics of critics he was repeatedly threatened and the opposition by liberal Is- General of the UN, strongly Israel “complete, unwavering of Israel since its inception, and and harassed by the settlers, and raelis, Palestinians, the interna- condemned the existence of and forever” to loud applause. it seems even a change in tone many families in the area have tional community, and the Unit- settlements, calling them ille- An insider in the Israeli gov- from Washington won’t change had their homes vandalized with ed States government has been gal. Left-wing Israeli protest- ernment, however, called the that. For the Nabeel family and painted Stars of David. The Na- louder than ever. The plan to ers and a host of international Obama administration “a disas- thousands of Palestinians who beel family, which has lived take over the land has included activists and NGOs have set up ter for Israel.” are seeing their homes, liveli- there since the 1950s after being evicting Palestinian families to shop in these neighborhoods, Meanwhile, Hamas and the hoods and culture systemati- evicted from elsewhere, is one allow Jewish families to move calling for an end to expansion. Palestinian people have been cally wiped away, there is little of 28 Palestinian families facing in and ordering the construction The U.S. has been uncharac- attempting a new form of dis- hope beyond solidarity. eviction in this neighborhood. of a brand new settlement in the teristically harsh on Israel in sent: non-violent disobedience. 60 years after the creation of Ramat Schlomo neighborhood the last month, calling for the President Mahmous Abbas en- Israel, the expansion of Jewish that would house 160,000 Jews, settlement plans to cease Obama Passes More Stringent Nuclear Arms Policy; Israel Remains Secretive Concerning its Nuclear Capabilities by Sean Kelly Proliferation Treaty (NPT) of oversimplifi es the strat- EXECUTIVE CO-EDITOR 1970, even if the U.S. is fi rst at- egy with her playground tacked by a compliant state with comment. The anal- In a speech in the Czech biological or chemical weapons. ogy implies that Obama Republic capital of Prague on According to this plan, an ag- is taking a weak “turn Monday, April 5th, President gressor state must fi rst be found the other cheek” stance Obama announced a plan to re- to be in violation of the NPT be- toward homeland secu- work U.S. nuclear arms policy Despite ongoing attempts at peace ne- fore the use of nuclear force can rity and that the proposed with the intended end of even- gotiations, Netanyahu continues to tell be justifi ed. tightening of restrictions tually making nuclear weaponry Palestinians to “talk to the hand.” Predictably, the conservative on nuclear retaliation obsolete. The proposed strat- right has attacked Obama’s plan will embolden potential egy would signifi cantly limit afford him much experience the only nuclear-capable ally of as weak and dangerous to U.S. aggressors to attack the U.S. the scope of scenarios in which with nuclear issues, but neither the United States that is both an homeland security and military There are two clear problems the U.S. could retaliate against did Palin’s position as mayor of undeclared nuclear power and interests. Sarah Palin initially with this line of thinking: fi rst, aggressors using nuclear weap- Wasilla (see page for contrary non-signatory to the NPT. If the criticized Obama’s proposed it neglects the fact that the plan ons as well as renounce further evidence). President is truly serious about amendments to the country’s leaves several loopholes open development of the U.S. nuclear Though Palin’s attacks are reduction of nuclear arms and nuclear policy last Wednesday for extenuating circumstances arsenal, and is aimed at encour- spurious and almost laughable, putting constraints upon their on Fox News, comparing the (such as whether or not the ag- aging fellow nuclear states to there nonetheless are issues usage, then why is Israel’s am- president to a child poised for gressor state is in compliance begin the trek down the road to with the strategy itself, specifi - biguity towards their nuclear a playground fi ght who says with the NPT at the time of the nuclear disarmament. Though cally with its treatment of NPT arsenal tolerated? As an ally “Go ahead and punch me in the attack), in which case the full Obama’s strategy is undoubt- noncompliant states. As of now, of the U.S., should Israel not face, I’m not going to retaliate.” strength of the U.S. nuclear ar- edly a step in the right direction, there exist four countries that be bound to comply with simi- Obama responded appropriate- senal (comprised of nearly 6,000 it has nonetheless been met with explicitly do not abide by the lar, if not the same, rules that ly, stating that “last I checked, operational nuclear warheads) criticism both from the left and NPT provisions: North Korea, the U.S. does? The ignoring Sarah Palin’s not much of an ex- could be used and, second, it the far right. India, Pakistan and Israel. Even of Israel’s unsettling refusal to pert on nuclear issues.” Vying essentially equates nuclear non- The central pillar of the Iran is considered a compliant declare themselves a nuclear desperately for the last word, proliferation to an invitation President’s changes to U.S. member of the treaty (though state seems to weaken the over- Palin went on to ridicule Obama for attack (which is blatantly nuclear arms policy involves they have been found to be in all clout that the President’s for his lack of experience on nu- false since most of the world’s imposing tight restrictions on violation many times). It is not recent actions may carry and clear issues with a lowbrow jab nuclear states are bound by the which situations would warrant terribly surprising that India, detracts from the legitimacy of about his former job as a com- same treaties as the U.S.). Ad- the use of a U.S. nuclear attack. Pakistan and North Korea have the new strategy. If Obama is munity organizer. ditionally, with regard to Palin’s Under the conditions of the new not signed the treaty, but Israel’s indeed concerned with reducing I hesitate to insult the read- attacks on Obama’s experience strategy, known as the Nuclear non-signatory status presents a the world’s nuclear arms stock- er’s intelligence by pointing with nuclear policy, we are left Posture Review, the U.S. will problem. Since its inception, piles, then U.S. allies should be out the obvious inconsistencies with the classic “pot calling the pledge not to use nuclear force Israel has maintained a policy of expected to do the same and to in Palin’s attacks, but their ab- kettle black” conundrum. Sure- against nations that are in com- deliberate ambiguity and opac- not withhold information about surdity does deserve a closer ly, Obama’s former position as pliance with the Nuclear Non- ity with regard to their nuclear their nuclear capabilities. look. First of all, Palin grossly a community organizer did not programs. This leaves Israel as page 6 the paper April 14, 2010 Fighting to Let the Grass Grow Freely Faker California Moves Closer to Legalizing Marijuana

by Elena Lightbourn result from marijuana use. This the Regulate, Control, and Tax CHIEF COPY EDITOR marijuana causes white women Cannabis Initiative for the No- to seek sexual relations with vember ballot. If passed, Cali- After 73 years of pot pro- Negroes, entertainers and any fornians 21 and older will be hibition in the United States, Than others.” able to legally possess up to California is looking at the pos- By publishing many stories an ounce of marijuana and/or sible legalization of marijuana fabricated by Anslinger, Hearst grow whatever amount can fi t as soon as late 2010. Yet few worked with him to leading to in a fi ve-by-fi ve foot plot. It will Americans are aware of exactly maijuana’s prohibition in the also allow local governments to how and why the controver- Marihuana Tax Act of 1937. decide whether to allow sales sial plant became illegal in the In fact, Hearst is credited with and tax the proceeds, similar fi rst place. The cannabis plant Truth bringing the word “marijuana” to the current regulation of al- was grown in the United States to the English language through cohol and tobacco. However, by Holden McGroin, Bobby Cardos, and Sean Kelly as early as the 1600s, primar- his sensationalist campaign. California wouldn’t exactly turn STAFF LIARS ily for its usage as hemp; the into the stoner United States free-for-all that Census of it may sound NEW YORK, NY ~ In a press conference, a spokesman for the 1850 counted like. Former North American Man-Boy Love Association (NAMBLA) ex- 8,327 hemp Los Angeles pressed his outrage at the widespread child abuse by Catholic “planta- Deputy Sheriff priests and the Church’s apparent cover-up. “It’s inconceivable tions” grow- Jeffrey Stud- to me that this is happening,” said Charles Donahue, NAMBLA ing cannabis. dard empha- spokesman. “The fact that for twenty years priests have been In the early sized the safe jerking off little boys unsupervised, and nobody fucking called 1900s, the and responsible me? We couldn’t have like, joined forces? The Pope invited large infl ux regulation of the Anglicans to return to the Church, what about the pederasts? of Mexican- cannabis, stat- When will we be welcomed home? Hell, the one guy, in Wis- American ing, “The ini- consin, he molested two hundred deaf kids! Deaf kids! Do you immigrants tiative will know how dexterous a child who speaks sign language is? And triggered Harry Anslinger, fi rst Drug toughen penal- parents just left him in charge. The Pope covered it up! These tensions be- Czar of the United States, ties for provid- guys are getting off too easy.” Donahue then drove off angrily in tween small consults his two most trusted ing marijuana his van that had Falkor from The Neverending Story painted on farms and advisors. to minors, ban its side. larger farms While The Marihuana Tax possession at schools and pro- -HG using cheap Mexican labor, Act of 1937 did not make illegal hibit public consumption.” which only grew as the country the possession or use of canna- Even those wary of the legal- moved into the Great Depres- bis, it taxed those dealing with ization of weed cannot ignore FORDHAM UNIVERSITY, BX ~ In a recent foray into his sion. Recreational cannabis use the substance so heavily ($100 the potential economic benefi ts Latin-English dictionary, Ram columnist Chad Ciocci learned became associated with these per pound of hemp) that most from the act; a California Board the meaning of the words “Libertas et Veritas.” Ciocci is report- Mexican immigrants, as they stopped using or producing it. of Equalization analysis esti- ed as saying that the discovery came about quite by accident. “I brought the plant with them and Since a person seeking the tax mates that legalizing and taxing was at my bookshelf, deciding whether or not I wanted to start were known to smoke it; it also stamp would have to incrimi- pot could yield $1.4 billion in Karl Rove’s new book or reread my favorite Bill O’Reilly tome, later became associated with nate his or her self, this violated revenue for the state yearly. Culture Warrior. That’s when I noticed my old Latin dictionary black jazz musicians. And so, the Fifth Amendment, and the Opponents of Regulate, from freshman year, and got curious.” He claims he was “totally it is in fact racism that came to 1969 case of Leary v. the United Control, and Tax Cannabis 2010 shocked” to learn that he was supposed to be writing about lib- give birth to marijuana’s illegal States ruled part of the Act to be include the state Republican erty and truth. “I always fi gured I’d write about my feelings, you status in America. unconstitutional. Party and the California Police know? Just let my gut tell me what was going on with politics in The prohibition of weed in In 1970, Congress passed Chiefs Initiative. However, un- the country and how to fi x it.” To date, the young Republican of the U.S. has little to do with the Controlled Substance Act, expected supporters of the ini- CPAC fame has been spouting Fox News-style conservative talk- its actual effects on those who which listed marijuana in the tiative include members of the ing points with thoughtless eagerness and frightful adamancy. smoke it and lots to do with the Schedule I Drug category – the organized labor community, the When asked if how his revelation would change future columns, efforts of two men by the names most tightly restricted category California NAACP and some Ciocci was fi rm: “The format and nature of my column will not of William Randolph Hearst of drugs. This made possession members of the law enforce- change. A conservative is nothing if not strong headed. Before and Harry J. Anslinger. Hearst of marijuana illegal on a federal ment community. long, I’ll forget I ever knew what Latin was. And if I don’t, I fi g- served as a member of the US level. On a national level, support ure I can convince myself that my knee jerk reactions are true.” House of Representatives, was In 1996, California became for the outright legalization of a publisher nicknamed the “Fa- the fi rst state to legalize medical marijuana has seen an increase. -BC ther of Yellow Journalism,” and marijuana with its Passionate In 2008, 35% of the public said also happened to be a notori- Use Act, which decriminalized marijuana should be legal and ous racist. He was well-known medical cannabis by enacting 57% said it should not, while a WASILLA, AK ~ In a shocking turn of events, UN weapons to have a hatred of Mexicans laws that allow regulated can- recent national survey conduct- inspectors have discovered a vast cache of nuclear weaponry stemming from Pancho Villa’s nabis consumption, possession, ed by the Pew Research Center under the small town of Wasilla, Alaska. The discovery came seizure of Hearst’s Mexican for- cultivation, and distribution for for the People & Press fi nds that on the tail end of a heated standoff between president Barack ests during the Spanish-Ameri- medicinal use. Currently, the 41% of the public thinks mari- Obama and former Wasila mayor Sarah Palin regarding the re- can War. Some also argue that use of medical marijuana is le- juana should be legal and 52% cent changes made to U.S. nuclear arms policy, in which Palin hemp, as an extremely versatile gal in 14 states: Alaska, Califor- think it should not. In Califor- repeatedly ridiculed the Presidentfor his lack of experience with and easy-to-grow fi ber, was a nia, Colorado, Hawaii, Maine, nia, several polls have revealed nuclear policy. According to UN inspectors, the Waslla arsenal threat to Hearst’s newspaper Michigan, Montana, Nevada, that a public majority favors the was built in the mid-1950’s for its strategic position in proximity empire, as his factories were de- New Jersey, New Mexico, Or- Regulate, Control, and Tax Can- to Eastern Russia and, since its inception, Wasilla’s mayors have signed to make paper only from egon, Rhode Island, Vermont, nabis initiative, with the state’s been carefully selected by the U.S. state department based on wood pulp. and Washington, with require- widely-respected Field Poll nuclear expertise and espionage experience. “During my time as Anslinger was the Assistant ments for obtaining a prescrip- showing that 56% of voters sup- Waslla mayor, I safeguarded our clandestine arsenal to the best Prohibition Commissioner in tion that range from chronic port its passage. of my abilities, and kept an ever vigilant eye on the Kamchatka the Bureau of Prohibition and pain to cancer. Now, thanks to Richard Lee, the 47-year-old Peninsula and its surrounding cities,” said Palin during a press later appointed as the fi rst Com- businessman and activist Rich- activist behind Regulate, Con- conference following the discovery. “I can see Russia from my missioner of the Treasury De- ard Lee, who led the effort to trol, and Tax Cannabis, said, house, and have had my fi nger on the trigger ever since.” partment’s Federal Bureau of collect 690,000 signatures to get “[The initiative] is a historic -SPK Narcotics. a pro-pot initiative on the Cali- fi rst step toward ending canna- “There are 100,000 total fornia ballot, non-medical weed bis prohibition. I’ve always be- marijuana smokers in the U.S.,” may actually soon be legal. lieved that cannabis should be Anslinger once said, “and most On March 24, 2010, the taxed and regulated and that our are Negroes, Hispanics, Fili- California Secretary of State current laws aren’t working.” pinos and entertainers. Their announced the qualifi cation of Satanic music, jazz and swing, April 14, 2010 the paper page 7 Collateral Murder in Baghdad Leaked Video of Two Reuters Employee Deaths from U.S. Military Fire Raises Critical Questions by Alex Orf and two men get out to help the hostility. claimed. The man driving the works damage control for the NEWS CO-EDITOR wound Chmagh. The Apaches Classifi ed documents have van, who remains unnamed, military, allowing Pentagon once again receive permission further contradicted the offi cial According to the offi cial was in fact taking his children to Correspondent Brenda Starr to open fi re, killing Chmagh, story of the attack perpetuated military report of July 12, 2007, tutoring classes. Out of compas- to go unchallenged in repeat- the two men and riddling the by the U.S. military. Julian As- U.S. soldiers had taken fi re from sion he stopped to help a badly edly reminding him that the van with bullets. When ground sange, co-founder of Wikileaks, enemy combatants in a suburb wounded man, and since his offi cial investigation found no troops arrive on the scene, they said in an interview, “We know of New Baghdad and responded van had no markings to suggest one at fault. Instead of offering discover two injured children in from classifi ed documentation with return fi re, assisted by aer- it was a friendly vehicle, he and an apology, or condolences to the van. that there were reports of small ial support from several Apache his friend lost his life and his the families of the victims, she Rather than admitting their arms fi re in the general vicin- helicopters. In the ensuing fi re- children were wounded. This merely states, “This video is a mistake and apologizing for the ity. This was not an ongoing fi ght, two Reuters news em- month, an Icelandic journalist grim reminder of the terrible accidental killing of innocent battle… there was no positive ployees, photographer Namir found the children, who are still things that happen in war.” civilians, the U.S. military and identifi cation of who the shoot- Noor-Eldeen, 22, and driver and suffering from medical com- While the argument over the Pentagon have instead fo- er was.” In addition, no soldiers assistant Saeed Chmagh, 40, plications due to their wounds. where the blame lies could go cused their efforts on justifying had been hurt or even fi red on were killed. Although Reuters They have never received any on indefi nitely, the media and the soldiers’ assault on the attempted to investigate the the government remain, for supposed insurgents. Capt. deaths of its two employees and The remains of the van that the most part, silent on the Jack Hanzik, a spokesman fi led a lawsuit to have the video stopped to help Chmagh. most pressing issues the for U.S. Central Command, record of the event made public footage presents. Amidst all said of the footage, “[The under the Freedom of Informa- the denials of fault on the men in the video’s] age, tion Act, no further details of the part of the soldiers, no mili- their weapons, and the fact event were ever released and the tary or Pentagon offi cial that they were within the military stuck to its story. has given any indication distance of the forces that That changed on April 5, why Namir Noor-Eldeen had been engaged made it when government watchdog and Saeed Chmagh were apparent these guys were and self-proclaimed “whistle- not listed among the dead potentially a threat.” A blower” website Wikileaks.org in the report – and more im- military investigation of the released a classifi ed military portantly, why their fami- event held soon after the at- video documenting the attacks lies were denied fi nancial tack found no fault in the of July 12 from an Apache he- assistance for three years. soldiers’ conduct, asserting licopter gun-site. In the video, Additionally, no one on ei- that the rules of engagement – a direct contradiction to the Noor-Eldeen, Chmagh, and nine offer for assistance from the ther side has mentioned the in- were not violated; the same re- military’s story and the shifting other unidentifi ed people are U.S. military, which at the time nocent men who died trying to port also failed to mention that story of the soldiers themselves. seen walking down a Baghdad refused even to evacuate them help Chmagh. On an MSNBC Noor-Eldeen and Chmagh were In the course of the video, the street; the Apache gunman iden- to the nearby military hospital, panel discussion, Brett McGurk found among the dead “insur- Apache personnel say that they tifi es the Reuters employees’ taking them instead to a local of the Council on Foreign Rela- gents.” In contrast to the in- were taking small arms fi re, then cameras as rocket-propelled Iraqi hospital. tions continually stressed that vestigation, retired Lieutenant RPG fi re, then later a soldier grenades (RPGs) and reports Much of the media attention the U.S. military’s primary goal Colonel Anthony Schaeffer said from the ground unit claimed the two other men carrying received by the leaked video at the time of the video was to on MSNBC that, from the evi- that the Apache had been taking weapons as “fi ve to six individ- has focused on the question of protect Iraqi citizens, and that dence in the Wikileaks video, fi re from insurgents on a roof. uals with AK-47s. After Noor- who, if anyone, is at fault for the no soldier acted outside of pro- the fi rst rule of engagement – Why the men who were alleged- Eldeen takes a picture leaning deaths of the Reuters employees tocol. As of this printing, 139 that a combatant who commits ly engaged with a hostile enemy out around the corner of a build- and the innocent Iraqi civilians. journalists have died in the Iraq hostile acts or shows hostile could not correctly identify how ing, the two helicopters in the Besides Assange, who blames War – 119 of them Iraqi journal- intent may be engaged using they were “attacked” is unclear, area open fi re on the group of the soldiers and their “video ists – and the Iraqi civilian death minimum force necessary – was but it lends little credibility to eleven men standing aimlessly game mentality, where they just toll is estimated anywhere from violated. The emphasis, he said, their version of events. in the middle of the street, kill- want to…get their kill count hundreds of thousands to one is on “minimum force”: though Furthering the contradic- ing everyone but Chmagh, who up,” no one in the mainstream million dead. Perhaps its time the helicopters claimed that tions is the truth of the men who lies wounded on the side of media has dared to throw any for the U.S. military to rethink they were taking fi re, the video died trying to help Chmagh, or the road. As the Apache gun- accusations at the government. its approach to “protecting” ci- plainly shows that the men on “picking up bodies and weap- ner says, “Come on buddy, just During CNN’s three-minute vilians and to take responsibility the ground show no signs of ons,” as the Apache personnel pick up a weapon,” a van stops coverage, Wolf Blitzer even for the devastation it causes. Continued from pg. 3 yelled a challenge to Sulick to the forum to Fordham students, I was stunned – not because and he told me what he would question and simply asked what answer the question. Seated in but again had to correct himself: of the incredible insight Sulick have said actually given that the CIA’s defi nition of terrorism front of McGovern, Mike Recca “current students” when he re- provided, but because of those chance. He’d addressed similar is, begrudgingly re-phrasing (USG Vice President, in case alized it had been a Fordham very facts and questions that issues about CIA intelligence it only when required. Sulick you forgot) turned were deliberately out of a Judeo-Christian view hesitated: “Well, I have a Ford- around and told him: omitted, even cen- at SUNY the night before, and ham colleague here who was “You’re an asshole.” sored by the very per- met with two atheists that morn- also in the CIA…” and invited (It should be noted son attempting to cre- ing who caustically criticized McGovern onstage to answer that Debra Sweet went ate a free speech zone Catholics for being “so big on the question for him. McGovern on to blog about her at Fordham. After the the sanctity of life for the fi rst began: “You have to distinguish experience at the lec- lecture, McGovern nine months,” but losing con- between good terrorists and bad ture, as she too was granted me a quick cern for the boys molested by terrorists,” designating the U.S. infl amed, and Mike interview, noting that priest predators or the civilians and those supporting our inter- Recca responded. Giv- “the unusual proce- killed from “hellfi re” missiles ests as good terrorists and those en the opportunity to dure of requiring in- fi red at “suspect militants” in who don’t as bad. The audience recognize that he is a dex cards” was the Pakistan. “What about the sanc- stiffened, but McGovern didn’t mere college kid pos- fi rst he’d experienced tity of life?” McGovern asked let up. He recounted a conver- ing as a politician and McGovern, being at Fordham. He also solemnly. “When we spare the sation he’d had that morning has no business calling treated like a pointed out the ab- speaker the necessity to answer, about the Church’s inconsisten- a former CIA analyst respected human surdity of the man in there’s a clear sign that there is cies in light of the priest sexual an asshole, Mike in- being. charge of counter-ter- no answer.” predators article on the front stead apologized for rorism being unable If there’s any way to sum page of the New York Times, losing his temper, but to defi ne terrorism up this charged lecture, it’s this: and in light of the kind of preda- maintained that Mc- himself. But what an- Two “assholes” addressed a sea tors McGovern intended to ad- Govern is still an ass- noyed him most was of students on March 25th – one dress at this Jesuit institution’s hole. Fordham represent!) Out- student’s question. Paradoxical- that “the sanctity of life wasn’t omitted the truth and was given lecture—drone predators. In- raged, Debra joined in: “What’s ly, he went on to take a question allowed in the discussion.” Fr. a standing ovation, and one ex- terrupted and shooed offstage, terrorism?—He’s in charge of from a 2008 grad, and so the McShane and Michael Sulick posed the truth and was told to McGovern went to his seat and fi ghting it!” In attempt to halt questions ended with a standing both had emailed invitations for sit down. their hostility, Gordon limited ovation and my disillusionment. McGovern to speak at the event, page 8 the paper April 14, 2010 Insane in the Weight Gain A New Jersey Mom Obsessed with Getting Fat has Big Plans for Herself by Lauren Duca tire pizza when you were drunk post videos of themselves try- Together (FAT) size is an “axis suicide.” While intentionally STAFF PREFERS SALAD one time, but eight slices are just ing on clothes that no longer fi t, of oppression.” But there’s a gaining massive amounts of In Roamin’, Shwayze sings, an appetizer for Donna. It takes who at over 200 pounds, feel difference between not buying weight is fairly sure to be fatal, “I’m a breast man, face man, leg 70 pieces of sushi to satisfy her especially self-conscious, and into the stick-thin ideal and eat- it’s far from honorable. Fat dis- man, ass man.” It’s weird, in his in a sitting, and she spends over modestly write in their bios, “I ing enough food to feed all the crimination is openly expressed, epic quest to get high and wom- $750 a week on food. How does know I’m a little on the small starving children in Uganda. especially toward overweight anize, he left out “belly man,” she afford it all? By taking sexy side right now.” Like Kellye, Obesity is a health risk. Being women. which is how 600 pound Don- pictures of herself. Pulling box- who listed her weight as “250 overweight dangerously affects But Donna Simpson is unaf- na Simpson describes her 150 es of baklava out of her fridge fected by people speaking out pound husband, Phillipe Simp- during her interview with Fox, Run. Just run. against her big dreams. “I’m not son. Donna, a 42-year-old from Donna talked of all the men who harming anyone,” she said, re- Old Bridge, New Jersey, is the sent her food to help put her put ferring to her gaining. And she fattest mother in the world, and weight on. One fan even gave isn’t, except for her three-year- it took 30 medics to help deliver her his credit card number so old daughter, who won’t have a her daughter. But her “fantasy” she could stock her fridge. Don- mother when Simpson dies in a to be the fattest woman in the na Simpson said, “They adore few thousand hamburgers or so. world requires her to gain an- [me], just as they do a woman of If she can’t walk more than 20 other 400 pounds (approximate- normal size.” It’s true; the only feet at 600 pounds, 1,000 will ly 3.2 Backstreet Boys). Right real difference between Donna surely induce immobility. For now, her dress size is a woman’s and a woman of normal size is Donna, big is beautiful, and ap- XXXXXXXL, or a tent’s me- 450 pounds. parently, so is bedridden. 400 dium, but she’s looking to add a Donna isn’t alone in her ac- pounds away from her dream, few Xs. Donna realizes that this tive attempt to be unable to fi t Donna is just a third the size is a lofty goal and says, “run- into clothes made for humans. of the fattest woman who ever ning after [her] three year old “Gainers,” as people like Don- lived: Rene Scarfa, an 1,800 keeps [her] weight down.” By na call themselves, consider pounds and counting,” and de- blood pressure, and can cause pound 49-year-old also from running, she means shuffl ing purposely putting on weight to scribed her stretch marks as a gallstones, diabetes, breathing New Jersey, who could have less than 20 feet at a time, which be a liberating activity. Many “built-in reminder of how ev- problems, and heart failure. easily eaten Donna. Scarfa died is as far as she can move before “feedees” say they like “making ery pound [she’s] gained has Even the National Association last year, but Donna will con- becoming winded, and need- a statement with their weight changed and shaped [her] body to Advance Fat Acceptance tinue to scarf down food in her ing to sit down. In order to at- because it challenges our stereo- so beautifully.” She is quite lit- (NAAFA) argues against gain- memory. Meanwhile, belly man tain her goal, Donna has started typical notion of beauty.” Oth- erally earning her stripes on the ing for health concerns. It’s Philippe will be using his wife the Michael Phelps diet. She’s ers just gain for pleasure. For website. diffi cult to relate to. Can we as a beanbag chair as the two counting calories,and making Donna, “more fat means more The idea is that gaining compare gaining to smoking? decide which room it’s best for sure she consumes 12,000 a day, sex appeal.” The site which weight is a form of freedom. For Kurt Vonnegut once referred to Donna to be stuck in when she six times the 2,000 an average features Donna includes “tiny” the members of groups like Fat “smoking heavily” as a “fairly can no longer fi t through doors. woman takes in. You ate an en- girls on gaining journeys. They Underground and Fat Activists sure, fairly honorable form of Tensions Swell In South Africa Following White Supremacist’s Murder by Alex Gibbons different creed and color in about a separate white Utopia, interests of President Lucas handicapped and brain dam- CO-EDITOR IN CHIEF close quarters, many of them al- threatened the country with in- Mangobe, who resisted rein- aged. Following his release, he In recent months, South Af- ready prejudiced (athletically or surrection and civil war if the corporation into an integrated remained outside the spotlight. ricans have been gearing up in otherwise) - are harrowing. segregation that gripped the South Africa. While present, His abrupt death on April 4 preparation for the 2010 World One cannot exactly pin- country’s legal system was ever AWB members were observed would introduce his legacy, and Cup. The choice of South Africa point just when racial tensions repealed. by television crews and pho- that of the AWB, to many for- as a host for the 2010 extrava- in South Africa began to fl are Terre’Blanche’s penchant tojournalists indiscriminately eigners for the fi rst time. ganza, which will bring teams up. Tensions reached a volatile for violence was not confi ned killing civilians. The AWB’s As his murderers were sen- and fans of varying national and climax early this month, how- to just his speeches. In 1991, involvement, it became clear, tenced last week, crowds gath- ethnic backgrounds to several ever, with the brutal slaying was more about the anarchic ered outside the courthouse host cities throughout the na- of noted white supremacist Terre’Blanche: the second environment and the lack of expressing opposing views con- tion, marks the second time in Eugene Terre’Blanche (whose worst Santa ever. law and order that would al- cerning Terre’Blanche. Black two years that a major sporting name literally means “White low them to randomly and protestors, disdainful of his event was hosted in a contro- Earth”) by two of his black viciously kill blacks. (Today, legacy, were kept separate from versial location (I’m looking at farm hands. Members of the AWB members who protest Afrikaner mourners; a fence of you, 2008 Summer Olympics). Afrikaner Weerstandsbewe- that Afrikaners are regularly barbed wires separated the two The problems of South Africa ging (AWB) party, which terrorized due to their ethnic- crowds. The two farmhands are numerous; widespread pov- Terre’Blanche founded in ity conveniently ignore the were convicted of murder, erty and a deadly AIDS pres- 1973, say the killing was the AWB’s history of terror.) robbery, and crimen injura, a ence alone make selling South result of growing tensions be- It is true, however, that South African law that prohib- Africa a diffi cult task. tween blacks and Afrikaners white farmers are often the its the intentional injury of an- Despite these social ills, in the country. Afrikaners be- target of deadly attacks, and other’s dignity (Terre’Blanche’s lavish stadiums and training lieve that blacks in the coun- since 1994 over 9000 attacks body was found with his pants facilities have been construct- try were encouraged to attack on white farmers are specu- stripped off). ed throughout the country to white farmers, pointing to lated to have taken place in Almost immediately follow- serve visiting teams and fans. the struggle song “Shoot the the country. The South Afri- ing the murder, AWB spokes- And, as was the circumstance Boer,” often sung by mem- can Human Rights Commis- men called for Terre’Blanche’s in China, many of these new bers of the African National when then-South African presi- sion, a committee charged with death to be avenged. The party facilities have been built within Congress (ANC), as a logical dent Frederik Willem de Klerk, monitoring human rights viola- quickly retracted the calls for the direct vicinity of poverty- example of said encouragement. who had just freed Nelson Man- tions in the country, estimates retribution, however, and South stricken regions of the country. The farmers, however, claim the dela from prison, appeared in an average of 2,500 deaths have African President Jacob Zuma What’s more, a third major is- murder was perpetrated over a Terre’Blanche’s hometown of occurred as a result of these at- recently called for peace and sue may further complicate the wage dispute. Ventersdorp, the white suprem- tacks. Farmers’ organizations calm in the wake of the murder. task of marketing South Africa. In 1973, a young Eugene acist lead AWB members in a contend the death toll to be over The death has had strong polar- In past weeks, following a se- Terre’Blanche has just founded infamous protest known now 3,000. izing effects in the country and ries of grim incidents, the racial the AWB after the far-right Her- as the Battle of Ventersdorp. Terre’Blanche recanted has left an air of uneasiness be- tensions that have long haunted stigte Nasionale Party proved Police descended on the AWB, much of his violent philosophy tween ethnic groups. With just South Africa throughout the na- too moderate for his own big- shooting ensued, and three after being released from prison two months before the com- tion’s history threaten to spill otry. The AWB grew to become AWB members were left dead. in 2004. He had served three mencement of the 2010 World over onto the main scene. The a strong presence in South Af- Three years later, after Apart- years of a six-year sentence for Cup, the South African Govern- implications this possibility rica during discussions to re- heid was repealed, AWB mem- the attempted murder of a black ment is doing as much as pos- holds for the World Cup - which peal apartheid in the country. bers entered Bophuthatswana security guard at a gas station; sible to divert attention away will place various peoples of Terre’Blanche, who preached during a coup to defend the the guard was left physically from these glaring realities. april 14, 2010 the paper page 9 editorials Munch on These Cookies, the paper’s view LaX House february 3, 2009 by Emily Genetta this campus, they’ve resorted to ized by the general public since EXECUTIVE the age-old tactic of body-sham- well before Alanis Morissette CO-EDITOR ing. Except it’s all just a joke, came around, but even by the “Fordham: A Parent’s Wet Dream, A you guys! colloquial defi nition, that Face- Another part of the group’s book page is not ironic. It is not Student’s Worst Nightmare” eople need to have shitty description, which was edited possible to act like a sexist ass- food every once in a while, s you may well know, this Justice, and PRIDE Alliance P out this past Sunday, April 11th, hole out of “sarcasm” or “cyni- or maybe more than every once past Sunday was Ford- are consistently under-funded, is evidence to the contrary. It cism” because the consequenc- A in a while. I, for one, need it ham’s beloved Accepted Stu- a refl ection of Fordham’s contained directions for the es of those actions are the exact pretty much all the time, and I’m dents Day. A time when the interpretation of “Jesuit group’s members: if they saw opposite of what “sarcasm” or not talking about pizza or cheap weather is pleasant and mild, Values.” a girl eating at Munchiez, they “cynicism” mean. You cannot Chinese food, either. I’m talk- the food at the Ultimate Din- It should also be mentioned were to take a picture of her and shame women about their bod- ing about deep-fried Oreos and ing Marketplace is slightly that while in our dorms they will then post it to Facebook. Clearly, ies and call it clever social com- giant sandwhiches called “Heart better than normal, and there be infantilized through RHA this was not some joke about the mentary. That should be pain- Attack”s. Sadly, there was no are several locations through- and their dormitory policies, number of hot girls on campus; fully obvious to everybody with eatery in the area brave enough out campus where current and should they even manage no, the “ironic” misogyny was, the capacity for critical reason- to provide us with mozzarella- students can slip in and sneak to have sexual intercourse until recently, accompanied by a ing, but for some reason (sup- stick-topped-cheeseburgers… out h’orderves. Campus is full between the forbidden hours of directive to its members to actu- posedly) grown-ass adults agree until quite recently. Munchiez of eager parents and students 3:30am and 6:15am, they will ally go out and harass any chick with elementary school bullies not only wants to sell you deli- either shy or texting on their in no way be aided by Fordham disgusting enough to eat fabu- that “it was just a joke” allows cious comfort food, it wants to cell phones, and you can’t get in protecting themselves from lous fried foods. you to get away with anything. sell it to you while you’re in- anywhere without swimming STDs or unwanted pregnancy. Perhaps part of the reason The really scary part is that toxicated, and that’s beautiful, through a sea of parents and Also noteworthy would this directive to snap and post this aforementioned group of really. high school kids, and their be that Fordham is only photos was deleted is because ‘adults’—specifi cally, the sup- You know who else deserves questions of, “What year are now getting its act together of an incident that took place porters of that facebook page— to eat shitty food once in a while? you? What’s your major? Do with sexual assault response this past Saturday night. Ac- aren’t just the LaX boys. Puppies. They deserve your you like it here?” (Though that at least is cording to several people, a Right after it was cre- pizza crust table scraps every so While this was happening, being taken care of). Or how group of Fordham women went ated, KEEP GIRLS OUT OF often. They also deserve a warm we at the paper were hard at Fordham’s treatment of alcohol into Munchiez to get some de- MUNCHIEZ had eleven mem- home and cuddles and love. work throwing our homespun consumption effectively liciously awesome foodstuffs, bers. The following day that They do not deserve to be the blend of news, analysis, amounts to pretending it and a man actually tried to take number shot up to the two- unwitting face of a a bro-tasti- comment and review together. doesn’t exist, and the penalties pictures of them. He had to be hundreds and now, just a few cally sexist Facebook group, but As the youngsters and their for being caught drinking are folks wandered around the severe enough so as to make the campus and our basement problem even more dangerous. to look for Dagger John’s, Students who really want we were thinking the whole to get involved with clubs and production was so picturesque other on campus advocacy it made us sick. would love to hear that their No, it’s not because we programming will bottleneck don’t like parents or prospective in a bureaucratic labyrinth students or beautiful days or called the Offi ce of Student even Fordham. But seeing them Leadership and Community as we walked to the McGinley Development, and that much basement to be locked in of their time will be spent in for an indefi nite number of frustration, harassing adults hours recalled our own visits to put through paperwork Screenshot of the group on to Fordham as prospective that would enable them to, Sunday night. “Privacy Type: students ourselves, which you know, lead students and Open: All content is now way in turn recalls our current develop communities on more public” perspective on Fordham. Like campus. most colleges, what you see on Now, we know, we know: the tour is invariably different we’re bitching—again. It from what you experience once seems like that’s all we do, escorted out. Did this come as days after its creation, there are that’s just what the guys in the there. doesn’t it? But, believe it or some sort of shock to the LaX three-hundred and ten Ford- Lacrosse house have done with But we thought about the not, the truth is that we at the guys, that their shit-witted ham students and grads who are their pooch. The dog, blessed crucial pieces of information paper do love Fordham. There facebook joke actually spurred members. Roughly two-fi fths with the name ‘Natty Light,’ has that any prospective student is obviously something here someone to harass women this of them are women. its own Facebook profi le and has the right to fi nd out beyond the limitless supply of way? In their attempt to distance The sexist antics of a couple recently created KEEP GIRLS beforehand, rather than suffer beer and three dollar subs that themselves from the incident by of bros who name their dog af- OUT OF MUNCHIEZ, the goal a truly rude awakening after has kept us here and involved editing the page, the guys over- ter beer will never merit a single of which is to shame women already paying their tuition. on campus. It’s precisely looked one tiny thing: the en- word in this publication, but from ever indulging in deep- A prospective student might because we care about Fordham tire group promotes harassment the participation of hundreds fried Oreos. “Munchiez is be interested to know that our that we make complaints about of women. (hundreds!) of other students a tasty spot but it is a true threat beautiful campus doesn’t allow it. Because romanticizing It doesn’t encourage the or- in these same antics absolutely to the crop of females at ford- free speech. They may also Fordham isn’t going to make ganized kind of photo-sharing does. Three hundred and ten ham [sic],” reads the group’s want to know that the student it any better, and while it shaming, no, but it promotes Fordham-ites publicly agree description. To illustrate what government representative makes sense to put your best the kind of public discussions that threatening, harassing, and they mean by a “threat to the that was supposed to be the foot forward—especially for of women’s bodies that shame shaming women is some kind crop,” they’ve chosen a ‘be- leading bastion for free speech prospective students—we can’t them into conforming to a cer- of postmodernist joke, and that fore’ and ‘after’ photo of Jes- on campus censored both a forget that there’s a foot behind tain body type. It also actively is news that is truly worthy of sica Simpson; she was skinny respected grown man and a it. And feet, as is their function, tries to scare a specifi c group of sharing with the broader Ford- before, and ‘after’ she’s, what, a plethora of meaningful student walk, meaning that eventually people (half of the population) ham community. Do with that size eight? The bros seem to be questions during what should the ugly things about Fordham away from a private restaurant info what you will. And then go deeply concerned that the hand- have been an insightful lecture will always come out, and the with the imperative, “KEEP get yourself some fried Oreos, ful of women they fi nd aestheti- with CIA member Michael only real way to address that GIRLS OUT” And, no, doing it goddamnit, because you de- cally pleasing won’t be aestheti- Sulick (see p.3). It would be is to change them, improve “ironically” is not a mitigating serve it. cally pleasing to them anymore. good to know that organizations them, and make this place a factor… because that’s not what So, to protect their God-given like Women’s Empowerment, university where we put both the word even means. right to ogle other students on Progressive Students for feet forward. “Irony” has been bastard- page 10Way the paper aprildown 14, 2010 south in dixie a tour of emmanuel county, georgia by WIlliam Dudley gave themselves a big pat on actually died trying this). it should be noted, works fi ne preachers and holy rollers, like STAF the back for ushering in a new Another Southern until the bag fi lls up with water how Jesus never drank wine SOUTHERNCOMFORTER era of solidarity at the school. phenomenon is that of the and bursts). They used lumber (they say “fermented grape Congratulations, assholes- you uncertifi ed contractor. Basically, and fi xtures they had hanging juice,” which is, the last time I In the novel Absalom, fi nally overcame. It only took this is the idea that because around their barn rather than checked, what wine is), and that Absalom! by William Faulkner, fi fty years to catch up with the one owns a hammer and can buying new hardware, and quit dinosaur bones are the remains Quentin Compson, a young rest of the country. drive a nail reasonably straight when my parents called them of lizards and rodents that were man descended from the old Racism and homophobia are with it, he can, without proper into account. It should also swelled by the waters of the Mississippian aristocracy, prevalent in all social strata and qualifi cation, be a carpenter. be noted that these same men Great Flood. arrives in Cambridge for his generations in South Georgia. This results in scenarios like started fi ghts at little-league My relationship with the fi rst year at Harvard. His fellow Kids I knew in Boy Scouts went the pickup full of guys with games and had wives who were South is somewhat tortured and classmates, intrigued by his about at camp with their “nigger chainsaws that showed up at our involved in embezzlement not just a little complicated. background, ask him to, “Tell knockers” (big sticks) and house one afternoon claiming to rackets. Also worth mentioning On one hand, Georgia’s home about the South. What’s it like spoke to no end about “fags” be “tree surgeons.” Soon after is that upon going bankrupt and, admittedly, I’ve been there. What do they do there. and “queers,” who are perhaps moving to Georgia, my family when said embezzlement was imbued with a certain measure Why do they live there. Why the only people more dreaded fell victim to this phenomenon, discovered (and prosecuted), of Southerness— you’ll fi nd me do they live at all…” than blacks. Our neighbor’s big time. We made the they did what any person in in the cafeteria some mornings I’ve fi elded many of the same granddaughters refused to swim mistake of hiring two “general such a pinch would do: that is— chowing down on grits, see me kinds of questions since coming in our pool because we allowed contractors,” the Mills brothers, and I swear I am not making this pouring peanuts in my Coca- north for college. I come from a black friends to use it. to remodel our home. up— set fi re to their own house Cola, hear me using expressions small town in Emanuel County, Given the destitute and The Mills brothers were to collect the insurance claim. like “I’m fi xing to,” and catch Georgia, where blatant racism undeveloped nature me whistling “The Bonnie Blue is very much alive, education of the area, the locals Flag.” On the other hand, I Just Faulk’n around in is of secondary consideration often resort to the often tell people that if anyone the Wal-Mart parking lot to other pursuits (such as mud- most bizarre forms of in the CSA had had half a brain, bogging and deer hunting), and entertainment to pass they would’ve been fi ghting to nearly 30% of the population the time. Teenagers get out of the South, not keep lives in poverty. It is little more congregate in Wal- it. So when someone asked than a haven for shit-kickers and Mart parking lots me several weeks ago, “Why good-old-boys of diverse sorts. to listen to loud do you hate the South?” I, like Living in the South has country music and Quentin Compson, could only afforded me some memorable show off their Chevy reply, “I don’t hate it. I don’t. experiences, however. For Z-71s, which are I don’t! I don’t hate it! I don’t example, the fi rst thing I tell fully outfi tted with hate it!” people about my town is dog kennels, 12- that 2009 was the fi rst year foot antennas, and John Deere the picture of ineptitude and I could go on forever with our local high school held a bumper stickers. Others meet unprofessionalism. These every quirk, idiosyncrasy, and prom for both black and white up on the sandy river banks to were the men who, instead of outright backwards aspect of students. Once the dance was get drunk and dare each other replacing our leaky water pipes, my home territory. Volumes fi nally integrated, everyone to swim across the murky, simply mended them with could be fi lled with religious in the school administration alligator-infested waters (a kid plastic grocery bags (which, “facts” I’ve been told by local Rogue Orthodontist Deunicorning the Seas by Danny Miami aware of Dr. Vaarnsworth and observed a small metal fi tting haps more importantly, why,” a result, the study claims, repro- STAFF his work on narwhals in 2008 that looked like a single brace. said Dr. Rodriguez, who had duction is down. In fact, at the SEAUNICORRESPONDENT when an article published in the After cross-referencing the once been a peer of Dr. Vaarn- time this paper went to print, no Scientifi c Journal of Greenland brace with various orthodontist swroth’s in orthodontics school. narwhal birth had yet been re- In a defi ant gesture, re- cited an extremely troubling de- offi ces around the world, the “I swear he used to not always corded in 2010. nowned American orthodon- cline in the male narwhal popu- brace was tracked to its home in be like this. I remember when Recently, two of our in- tist Dr. P.W. Vaarnsworth has lation. Initially, the scientifi c Piscataway, New Jersey— Dr. we were roommates he would trepid reporters, Kathleen Eliza- refused to halt his controver- community attributed this to a Vaarnswoth’s base of operation. have night terrors in which he beth Murphy and James Jerard sial orthodontic procedures on decline in Greenland halibut, As it would turn out, Dr. would incessantly yell, ‘Nar- Campbell, were sent over to the narwhals who inhabit the the staple of the narwhal’s diet. Vaarnsworth’s talents in the fi eld whal! There is still hope!’ I Greenland to see if Dr. Vaarn- northeastern waters off of the After further research, how- of oral correction far exceeded never thought anything of it, but sworth would be willing to northern Greenlandic coast. Dr. ever, it was determined that the the imagination. Through a yet now I see how mistaken I was.” defend himself in front of the Vaarnsworth, who fi rst gained halibut population was actually undisclosed procedure he and Dr. Rodriguez refused to answer press. Our reporters returned worldwide notoriety in the mid- growing. It was only in 2009 his crew of faithful assistants any more questions. with a very chilling-- albeit seventies with his introduc- when British researchers work- have been systematically patrol- Once these events came to brief-- interview with the now tion of the fi rst teeth-correcting ing in the fi eld discovered that ling the waters of Greenland, the attention of the National notorious Doctor. brace system for chimpanzees, the male population had re- “correcting” the narwhal’s fa- Narwhal Conservation Society When asked why he was has been cited as saying, “the there was a massive outcry pursuing the narwhal orthodon- chimps were just step one. denouncing the inhumane tic procedure with such vehe- Since then I have been expand- procedures. In a recent press mence and whether he under- ing my research into all species release the NWCS said, “Dr. stood the potentially disastrous of animal which need corrective Vaarnsworth has performed effects such an operation would treatment for excessive maloc- the equivalent of torture on have on the animal’s popula- clusions [improper bites]. It is these poor, gentle mammals tion, Dr. Vaarnsworth only re- with the narwhal that I will truly of the sea. […] He cannot plied, “Narwhals! For Christ’s leave my footprint on the illus- possibly understand the re- Sake! People speak of them trious history of orthodontics.” percussions that such a proce- as though they were a creature The narwhal has long been dure will have on the number born directly from the Gods. known for its large helical tusk of narwhals worldwide.” By This is ludicrous. When I see and has been a source of fas- “repercussions,” the NWCS those dreadful abominations I cination for Inuit mystics and was referring to a recent paper only see a forsaken porpoise scientists alike. Its scientifi c mained relatively steady. They mous tusk. published by one of its members who was cursed with a wildly name, Monodon Monoceros, is found that the confusion was the “I don’t understand how in which it was explained that mal-aligned tusk. I can hardly derived from Greek and literally result of male narwhals being such a procedure is even pos- without their tusks, the male sleep knowing that such dental translates into “one-tooth one- confused for females as a result sible. There is no scarring or narwhals would appear to be imperfection can exist on this horn.” of the males not having their even visible discomfort among unsuitable as mates to any self- planet.” The scientifi c and conserva- usual 7 to 10-foot-long tusk. the narwhal population. I just respecting female narwhal. As tionist community fi rst became Immediately the scientists don’t understand how or, per- april 14, 2010 the paper page 11 More About That Lion Cheetah, Tiger Woods

Daddy Woods, Long Deceased, Learns his Son is a Sex Panther by Aly Kravitz following a fi ght. The fi ght may com. In between the logistical Tiger was all about rough sex was it to insert audio clips of STAFF FELINE SEXPERT have been sparked by a story that texts arranging their secret and domination, and he wasn’t his deceased father’s voice?), it had run several days previous by rendezvous, Tiger sent Joslyn afraid to let them know. all seems pretty obvious. This is I’ve never been a huge fan the National Enquirer claiming messages like “I want to treat The sports world has been just conjecture, but my guess is of Tiger Woods. Aside from Tiger was having an affair you rough. Throw you around, obsessed with the whole affair his thinking went along the lines the fact that I enjoy watching with Manhattan hostess Rachel spank and slap you,” “Hold ever since the morning after of “people worship the ground golf about as much as I enjoy Uchitel. That the Tiger’s crash. I walk on, let’s fi nd me some watching grass grow, I’ve situation was so With all the whores and have a good time,” always found him rather bland. nebulous was trysts, testimonies and his feeling is now regret— Perhaps golf doesn’t lend itself precisely why and treason that he wasn’t more careful to explosive displays of passion it attracted so being discussed about hiding his activities. What in the same way that basketball much attention— by reporters you has he learned? Sexting women or football does, but still, he everyone was may think you’re who are not his wife = bad idea. could show a little more emotion asking questions watching E! Much better to call them and than the occasional fi st pump. but no one, instead of ESPN. say it all in person. Well, the recent revelations especially not As each mistress Tiger is making a return to involving the sports icon have Tiger, was opens up about his sport this month after a four- caused me to look at Tiger in offering answers. her sordid affair month hiatus, and all eyes are a different light; it’s not that he Then the with the golf on him. Elin isn’t in attendance doesn’t have passion, he just mistresses god she gets her at the Masters in Augusta, but reserves it for activities other started to crawl fi fteen minutes if Tiger feels lonely during the than golf activities that include out of the before being tournament he could always having kinky sex with multiple woodwork. The bumped out of drive to nearby Atlanta, where mistresses while his wife, Elin current count the limelight by Joslyn James is scheduled Nordegren, is at home with their ranges from 15 the next one. to dance at a strip club. The two kids. to 17, depending The discussion question on everyone’s lips now For those of you who on who you ask, at the moment is will he rise above the scandal may have missed the scandal and includes is swirling and assert his status as the best currently rocking the sports Jaimee Grubbs, around a recently golfer in the world? Or will the world, here are the lurid details: 24, a cocktail waitress; Jaime you down while I choke you released Nike ad featuring a screw-ups in his personal life on November 27, 2009, at 2:25 Jungers, 26, a Las Vegas model; and fuck that ass I that I own,” broken looking Tiger staring translate into his game? One am, Tiger crashed his SUV and Loredana Jolie, a former and “Have you ever had a remorsefully at the camera thing is for sure: no matter how into a fi re hydrant and then a Playboy model. The affair golden shower done to you? while the voice of his dead many trophies he takes home, neighbor’s tree when pulling became XXX rated when three Just morbid curiosity.” In case father says he “is more prone he will never be able to polish out of his driveway. That much porn stars joined the group: she forgot the dynamics of to be inquisitive, to promote his tarnished character. He’s lost is for sure, but after that the Holly Sampson, Devon James, their relationship he provided discussion. I want to fi nd out support, fans, and endorsement, story gets fuzzy; Elin allegedly and Josyln James. Joslyn a gentle reminder, texting her, what your thinking was, I want and I haven’t lost my original smashed the window of the car recently posted explicit text “You are my fucking whore.” to fi nd out what your feelings opinion. Like I said, I’ve never with a golf club to get Tiger out, messages Tiger sent to her These are just the beginning— are, and did you learn anything?” been a huge fan of Tiger Woods. although some argue that she during their 31-month affair on judging by the accounts from all Besides the fact that the video is was chasing him with the club her website, sextingjoslynjames. of the mistresses it appears that incredibly creepy (whose idea Environmental Ethic Circling The Drain South Bathrooms Find Innovative Ways to Waste Water by Keelin O’Donoghue cilities.” selfi sh, FORDHAM. Go Rams! population, myself included. In I kept my mouth shut and just STAFF FLUSHED Now, Fordham, why would Now, let’s back-track to 2 a rush to get to class, I did not made it my secret duty to turn you tell me (and every other girl P.M. on March 29th, because the call up any department when I them off every time I walked by Growing up, my father’s on my fl oor who called after I fi gure above does not take into fi rst heard the toilet fl ush be- the bathroom: you know, saving favorite joke (aside from “Hey, left a letter on the door with account the 4-hour period be- cause the girls who did it were the world one tap at a time. pull my fi nger.”) went a little the phone number) that some- tween the time I left the build- still screaming in the bathroom. In my poster-making frenzy, something like this: one was on his way if that is ing and the time when I returned I assumed they would call. And I found out (from studies done Dad: Is your (insert house- not your department? Because (which is another approximately if they did not, then surely, on nakedscientists.com) that if hold appliance/ fi xture) run- of this miscommunication, the 11,980 gallons bringing us to a some other passerby or resi- a water drop is one tenth of a ning? toilet fl ushed twenty hours lon- grand total of 71,884 gallons… dent on my fl oor would… right? milliliter and it drips every ten My confused friends on the ger than it could have. Twenty I mean… if anyone is count- Wrong. No one called. I should seconds, then a dripping faucet phone: Yeah, why? hours: that is nearly an hour ing). I separate the two because have known better considering wastes about 36 milliliters of Dad: Then you better go longer than it would take to I blame the twenty hours of the environmental apathy of our water an hour. If you multiply catch it! watch the entire fi rst season of campus and it out for the whole year, it is On Monday, March 29, The O.C. in one sitting. Twenty student body. about 315 liters a year, which is 2010, the handicapped toilet on hours of unnecessary fl ushing-- We are one or two baths full, just from the fourth fl oor of the north wing welcome to the F.U., bitch! This Fordham. We one leaking faucet. of Alumni Court South fl ushed is apparently how it’s done in are wasters of Don’t get me wrong, I love for over twenty-four hours, giv- Bronx County. water with no excessive water use just as ing students and the university It takes the handicapped regard for the much as the next gal. Baths are ample time to run and catch it. toilet in Alumni Court South environment. the best. I have even considered The toilet began fl ushing at approximately fi ve seconds to After I renting a room at the Bronx approximately two p.m., just as fl ush. According to conserve- called the Park Motel at its rumored hour- I was walking past the bathroom water.com, the average toilet custodial ly rates just to submerge myself to leave the building for class. uses 4.16 gallons with each offi ce at 6 in forty galloons of the rapidly I notifi ed the custodial offi ce fl ush. Now if you fi gure the P.M., I did depleting resource. I am not a around six p.m. upon my return toilet is fl ushing 4.16 gallons what every green saint, but if I am going to to my dorm. They assured me every fi ve seconds, and there concerned waste water, I am going to do it someone would be right over. are 72,000 seconds in twenty Artist’s citizen does on luxurious things I actually The following morning, the hours, then in that twenty-hour rendering of the in crisis – I get to enjoy. So this is my plea toilet was still fl ushing. At one period, the toilet fl ushed 59,904 toilet in question made post- to the student body: enjoy your p.m. I called custodial yet again gallons. ers! All year (sometimes) hot showers to the to let them know no one had This is simply appalling. long, I have fullest, but please, turn off the showed up. Other words that come to mind: non-stop fl ushing fun on Ford- found multiple faucets in our tap and call facilities— not cus- “Hold please... Yeah, we’re wasteful, disgusting, shameful, ham’s offi ces but the fi rst four bathroom dripping nearly every todial— at (718) 817-4830 if not responsible for that. Call fa- embarrassing, upsetting, absurd, hours on the Fordham student time I enter. For seven months, you fi nd a toilet fl ushing. page 12 the paper april 14, 2010 The Fires Below A Neat Little Slice of the Post-Apocalypse In Centralia, PA by Bobby Cardos tire block. people so they could relocate, CO-EDITOR IN CHIEF I didn’t fi nd out about Cen- and in 1992 the government Burning anthracite beneath Photos by tralia until I had already come claimed eminent domain on Centralia caused the roads Grace Waltemyer to Fordham through my friend Centralia and condemned the to crack and buckle after STAFF WITNESS who passes by it on his way to town, demolishing most of the decades of neglect. Bloomsburg University. If you remaining buildings. Despite The fi rst thing I notice is didn’t already know, Centra- this, there are still fi ve homes that, like any place given the lia was a coal mining town in standing which residents re- label “ghost town,” Centralia Pennsylvania. In May of 1962, fused to leave. The fi re is still doesn’t feel particularly eerie or the mine caught fi re when town burning, and estimates state that empty. This is thanks to the two fi remen were burning trash in a it could continue burning for an- groups of people already pres- landfi ll. The landfi ll was near an other 100 years or more. ent when Grace and I parked old mine entrance and caught a I’ve always been intrigued our car, armed with a high-end vein of anthracite on fi re, which by Centralia, and when the op- video camera and a digital cam- quickly spread to the rest of the portunity to visit Centralia with era. We parked on a hill that mine. The fi re burned for almost my friend Grace over Spring overlooks the “town” of Centra- two decades before townspeo- Break arose, I jumped on it, and moss growing on the edges of On the blocked section of lia and is adjacent to two well- ple noticed health issues from one day, after driving an hour exposed earth. The long grass Route 61 we come across two maintained cemeteries. The hill the higher amount of carbon to Allentown to pick up Grace, mentioned before is teeming high school age kids who are is replete with openings and monoxide and dioxide in the spray painting the road. They pipes billowing white smoke air and that the ground beneath Desolate streets are an all tell us they live nearby, and and a smoldering odor from the was as hot as 170 degrees in too common sight in and come here from time to time to burning anthracite beneath us. some areas. In 1981, the ground around Centralia tag the road and hang out. As we We walk down the hill towards beneath a young boy collapsed walk down the stretch of road we the few roads of the small town, and he was only saved by the see much of this graffi ti, mostly walking by sunken concaves of quick work of his cousin. of the “bathroom wall” variety land and over a fl attened, tall, The fi re continued burn- (i.e. the phrase “free BJs,” fol- dead grass that covers most of ing, causing foundations to sink lowed by a phone number). It’s the open land, except a well- in and opening up a section of a shame to me, who could see kept house at the bottom of the road along Route 61. In 1984, the stretch of road being used by hill-- the only house on the en- buyouts were offered to towns- graffi ti artists to hone their craft. After we walk down far A lone fi re hydrant enough to see where the road provides evidence of has opened up and is also emit- human inhabitation ting smoke, we turn around to in an otherwise and another hour and a half on with tiny black spiders that dart go back to the car and go home. unrecognizable Route 61 to get to Centralia, I in and out from underneath the We’ve spent over two hours at section of town found myself and my friend in matted overgrowth. The curb this hint of a town, and by the the place that I’d thought on and of the street adjacent to us has time I get home I’ll have driv- off about for the last three years. descents to the street that im- en for over fi ve hours and 300 Once you get down from the ply former driveways, but there miles. hill and onto the roads, Centra- are no driveways, sidewalks or As I wrote this I remembered lia feels more-- forgive my use houses, except for one surpris- a scene from Don DeLillo’s of the word-- authentic. With- ingly well kept home, complete novel White Noise. Protagonist out the camera snaps and video with a car outside. Jack Gladney and Murray Jay cameras (from others; ours are, When Grace and I go back Siskind go to visit a tourist site: of course, acceptable)—without up the hill to look at the cem- The Most Photographed Barn the spectacle of the smoke it- etery and the old, rerouted sec- in America. Once there, Mur- self—you start to focus on sub- tion of Route 61, there are more ray comments as he watches all tler, more interesting aspects of tourists pulling up and walking the tourists with their cameras: the town. The roads are already around. It’s this that reminds me “No one sees the barn.” With being reclaimed by nature; a of the odd tourism we are par- this he sums up the purpose of fi re hydrant sticks out from the ticipants of. Centralia is still in- all tourisms, including my own, ground that presumably once habited, albeit sparsely, and we acknowledging that what we see had sidewalk or macadam on are exploring the place that they is not a ghost town, but rather top of it. There are occasional have chosen to continue to call the things we’ve read about it, hints of driveways that lead up home in spite of its desolation the accounts we’ve heard from to open areas, formerly houses as a novelty, like others pull off others—in a word, the mythol- and their foundations, some at Roadside America or other ogy. With this article I perpetu- of which have caved in and tourist traps. But we are not in- ate that mythology and add to it. opened up to billowing smoke, vited; we simply show up. april 14, 2010 the paper page 13 Ecce Monstrum A Philosophical Approach to The Resurrection, Miracles and Zombies by Chris Gramuglia own logic, it is irrelevant. STAFF Our so-called ‘scientifi c This famous painting by CHRISTIAN SCIENTIST laws’ operate in a simi- Dali, “Zombie Jesus,” lar way as seen in the highlights the “Happy Zombie Jesus Day!” following ambiguities. intersections of science This was a Facebook status I Our scope of scien- and religion came across several times be- tifi c knowledge extends tween egg hunts on Easter Sun- a mere 13.5 billion light day. (My mother still hides eggs years into space. This is for me and my older brother.) as far as humans have Despite discovering this unset- been able to venture. tling, yet apparently common What is beyond remains view of Jesus Christ being a unknown. Yes, I’m say- fl esh-eating, rabid, zombie, I still ing that there may be an managed to have a meaningful undiscovered part of the holiday. However, I would like universe, in which ob- to mention that calling Jesus a jects could actually ‘fall’ zombie in many ways refutes directly upwards. An- the perceived ‘impossibility’ of other way of understand- his resurrection. Zombies, as far ing this is to look at Ein- as I know, have never existed stein’s theory of special or been proven to exist by any relativity. In short, physi- scientifi c evidence. I’ll even cal laws are relative to admit that it is highly unlikely their observers, not fi xed, that a virus exists that would as many would assume. has ever seen a quark on its own sume that humans are products of to contain twenty-four ounces kill then resurrect in a way that Earth may even still appear to without altering it fi rst— the the universe and have somehow of Satan’s piss, be cylindrical, causes victims to hunger for have order in its physical laws sneaky little bastards. It’s some- grown to witness the source of and taste like crap, but these are brain meat and puke blood all since Einstein‘s breakthrough, thing called the Heisenberg un- their material existence through only internal perceptions that over the place. Think 28 Days but as author Dinesh D’Souza certainty principle, which states a convenient chain of events. occur in our brains. The actual Later— entertaining, but really writes, “If Einstein’s conclu- that no phenomena in the uni- Put simply-- you are the uni- reality of the can and its con- quite absurd. sions about relativity, space- verse can be observed without verse, and the universe is you. tents may be wildly different. I would still like to place time and curved gravity seem changing it fi rst, implying a link Dizzy yet? No? Good, then The carbonation, the awful taste, the idea of perceived impos- bizarre, the discoveries of quan- between us and, well, every- let’s talk about the observer ef- the color, and the drunkenness, sibilities like zombies and di- tum mechanics show that we thing. I can only imagine how fect. This phenomenon of quan- all exist inside the mind, not in vine resurrection— miracles, if ain’t seen nothing yet.” all those materialists must feel. tum mechanics explains that the “Stack” itself. Arthur Scho- you like— under the scientifi c Quantum mechanics, a The spiritual teacher Deep- the exact positions of physical penhauer, a philosopher and ad- microscope. True statements relatively new fi eld of science, ak Chopra alluded to this prin- objects cannot be known defi ni- vocate of Eastern thought, also depend on two things: defi ni- seems to suggest that our per- ciple nicely in his debate against tively and that everything ex- agreed, coining the phrase, “The tion and verifi cation— an idea ceived notion of material things Sam Harris when he said, “We ists in a state of superposition. world is my idea.” from David Hume known as is actually quite illusory and not are the universe looking back In other words, the most logical So, to avoid any spacing the Verifi cation Principle. An very reliable when it comes to on itself.” He then went on to scientifi c explanation for this is issues, I’ll conclude by say- example of this would be the true reality. Some interesting explain that if no sentient, ma- that everything is moving, and ing that I can’t prove that Je- defi nitive statement, “all objects questions inevitably arise. Is terial beings are around to see also standing still. sus came back from the dead obey gravity by falling to the matter comprised of particles or an object, it simply can’t exist, There’s more to this than through divine resurrection ground,” and the verifi cation, waves? The answer is both. Is illustrating a subtle, overarch- science though. Immanuel Kant and, statistically, it does yield “that rock obeys gravity.” This Dean Rodgers bald and mean? ing interconnectedness of ev- presented a similar idea in his substantial doubt. However, law is proven through making a Perhaps not all of the time. To erything in our universe. Mi- Critique of Pure Reason. Kant considering that science claims claim (defi nition) and then test- us, matter is solid and objects chael Shermer, editor of Skeptic believed that the universe exists to be the study of observable ing its veracity (verifi cation), appear to have depth and dimen- Magazine, came to Harris‘ aid of ‘noumena’ and phenomena; nature and has since knocked making it seem like a valid sion, when really they are mostly by presenting a mighty counter- noumena being actual reality itself on its own ass by prov- principle for the basis for what empty space. All matter is com- argument. “That’s just a load of and phenomena being our per- ing that most of the real uni- truth is. However, this principle prised of atoms, which are in woo-woo,” he declared matter- ception of it. Think of it this verse is unobservable, mir- does not meet its own criteria: it turn comprised of quarks. This of-factly. Uh, way to go, Mike. way: a dirty, disgusting can of acles, eternal life, and yeah, can neither be defi ned nor veri- has, of course, been discovered It is completely logical to as- “Stack” malt liquor may appear even zombies, remain possible. fi ed, so, according to Hume‘s by experimentation, but no one page 14 the paper april 14, 2010 A Pro-Choice Voice The Counter-opinion to ‘Respect for Life’ Week by Caroline Egan Feminists for Life (FFL) to be purports to be on how the the perfect end to their glorious what they’re doing. There STAFF FREE SPEAKER their keynote speakers. Under pro-life stance is really the week: going to an abortion clinic seems to be no equivalent the guise of feminism, FFL pro-woman stance. But the in the South Bronx for “prayer, consideration on the part of It’s that time of the year: appropriates feminist language destruction of reproductive witness and counseling.” I do anti-choice protesters. Women Eddie’s is densely populated (e.g. ‘empowerment’) to gain freedom and the denial of rights not presume that the RFL club have abortions because it is by students skipping class for a more progressive appearance for women is as far away from participates in the louder, more something they need to do for much-needed Vitamin D, the while really perpetuating pro-woman as possible. This is intrusive or violent forms of themselves or their families, fl owers are all in bloom, and, of reproductive oppression. The especially true for any group harassment that occur outside and only they are qualifi ed to course, white fl ags are planted concept of a pro-life feminist that denies women the right to of abortion clinics, but I determine what they need. in the ground indicating the is an oxymoron; a feminist is abortion even in cases of rape, believe that ‘witnessing’—or The RFL club only respects number of ‘babies’ ‘killed’ someone who believes in and incest, and possible death. holding a vigil right outside of life when it’s convenient for this year by abortion (read: advocates for the cessation of Nothing that denies a woman the a health center— and offering them. Time and time again ‘women’). Respect for Life sexist oppression, and denying right to make her own educated ‘counsel’ in order to infl uence anti-choice groups show (RFL) week is the staple event women the right to choose decision about her reproductive women’s private, personal incredible concern for the of the club by the same name. upholds this oppression. system is— nor will it ever be— medical decision is a form dependent being growing Annually, the members of Prominent feminist bell hooks pro-woman. of intimidation and, thereby, inside of a woman’s body— the club guard Alpha House has famously explained that, In addition to scheduling harassment. The ‘counseling’ rarely by choice: nine out of lawn for an entire week, fl yer “a woman can insist she would speakers, dialogues, and part is especially problematic, ten women obtaining abortions buildings with misleading facts never choose to have an abortion planting the white-fl ag garden as the concept indicates that do so because contraception about abortion, and hold events while affi rming her support of of death, the RFL club has the counselor has, in some failed— and little, if any, that advocate the denial of a the right of women to choose asked everyone to join them for way, a greater knowledge than concern for the needs of the woman’s right to make her own and still be an advocate the counsel-ee (absurd woman who will need to (at reproductive decisions. of feminist politics. She No comment considering the expertise least) carry that fetus for nine As a dedicated and cannot be anti-abortion necessary of an undergrad.) Even months, no small task. So passionate proponent for while affi rming her the ‘prayer’ part reeks of when you look at those fl ags choice, I clearly have a big support of the right of this kind of supposed- planted in the ground this problem with RFL week. In women to choose and superiority, which is week, please consider the addition to the outrageously still be an advocate of antithetical to the idea brave women who make life- offensive nature of the imagery feminist politics.” FFL is that women are intelligent altering decisions based on intended by the fl ags on Alpha as radically ‘pro-life’ as enough to make moral whether they are able to carry lawn, RFL schedules events a group can be: even in decisions for themselves. or care for a fetus or child. that show the chauvinistic and the cases of rape, incest They are not making controlling nature of the anti- and the endangerment of such decision from a choice movement. the woman’s life, they completely uneducated This year, in alignment believe abortions should place; despite what anti- with nation anti-choice groups, be forbidden. choicers may think, these the RFL club has booked The FFL lecture women are aware of Another Way: A Truly Christian Approach to Abortion by Sarah Madges rates. Thirty-four major clinics the fl ood). Beginning on Febru- to dub clinics like Dr. Emily’s admonishing their behavior in EARWAX EDITOR in New York City each perform ary 17th was the largest spring “abortion mills” or to target an whatever “nicer” language now more than 400 abortions a year, 40 Days for Life campaign ever. area they call “abortion row” in used. Getting an abortion isn’t As the Respect for Life and, more recently, the Bronx Before it ended on March 28th, Queens. a split-second decision— it’s club hosts pro-life lectures has trumped all other boroughs the campaign toured 167 cities While it’s great that there unlikely that someone is going and workshops this week at with an abortion rate double the from coast to coast as well as are campaigns such as the 40 to pull a Juno and turn around Fordham, it’s interesting to national average. According to some locations in Canada, Aus- Days for Life campaign that at- to buy a slushie should she note that regardless of their the city Department of Health tralia, and Northern Ireland. The tempt to tone down their anti- hear someone sweetly sing out, efforts, New York City has been and Mental Hygiene, the South organization’s modus operandi abortion rhetoric, these groups “They have fi ngernails!” This dubbed the ‘Abortion Capital Bronx has the highest rate of relies on community outreach, don’t exactly deserve praise for is something women think over of America.’ New York state teen pregnancy in New York constant prayer, fasting, and their sensitivity. The 40 Days for a long time, and seeing such established itself as the country’s City, with 15% of girls ages vigil outside of abortion facili- website states the group’s ob- suggestively caustic placards abortion refuge in 1970 when 15 to 19 pregnant in 2005 as ties. One such facility was Dr. jective as drawing “attention is just going to make them feel it passed the most permissive compared to 9.4% for all New Emily Women’s Health Center, to the evil of abortion…to turn worse for still going through abortion law whose ancillary York City girls the same age. which protesters earmarked in hearts and minds from a culture with the procedure. (And even if industry began posting blunt ads Additionally, over half of the light of the Bronx’s status as of death to a culture of life,” as they haven’t mulled it over for a like one that asked: “Want to be 80% of accidental teenage abortion capital. From February apparently authorized by “His long time, they probably aren’t un-pregnant?” Accordingly, the pregnancies end in abortions. 17th to 28th platoons of pro-lif- plan.” No matter how many likely to be swayed by a few se- pioneering New York Right to In light of this upwards- ers crowded the center for eight chocolates or fl owers they give lect phrases anyway). Further- Life Committee of 1967 and inclined abortion rate, how has hours each day, wielding rosa- a woman, simultaneously im- more, this form of protest keeps likeminded institutions haven’t the pro-life movement evolved? ries and signs reading “Abor- plying that she is evil won’t ex- the unhappily pregnant women had many legislative wins, and According to a Gallup Poll tion Stops a Beating Heart” actly make her receptive to their alienated and reproved, putting today New York has the highest taken in May 2009, U.S. citi- and “Before I formed you in “peaceful” message. Addition- the fetuses at the frontline. No abortion rate in America. zens appear to be shifting their the womb, I knew you” (citing ally, signs that say “Pray to End consideration is taken for the Moreover, one of every ten views on abortion, as 51% now God rather than the Bible, sug- Abortion” are loud and unsubtle women’s emotional wellbeing, abortions is performed in New call themselves pro-life, and gesting some privileged rela- enough, even if the sign-holders livelihood, or unique personal York City. In 2000, there were 42% pro-choice. And as num- tionship with Him). These were themselves aren’t. Self-righ- experience. These groups may more abortions were performed bers of abortions increase, dif- in stark contrast to older slo- teous groups like 40 Days play thrust fi stfuls of pro-life litera- on minors, more repeat ferent anti-abortion approaches gans like “Abortion is murder” up their empathy and holiness, ture and sweets at women and abortions, and more late-term have too. One wing of pro-lifers and “Baby killer!” President of claiming they’ve saved people believe that this is what God- abortions (over 21 weeks) in called 40 Days for Life began to the Christian-based Expectant from “lives of regret.” Maybe approved outreach entails, but New York City than anywhere peacefully protest abortions in Mother Care Frontline Pregnan- that’s so (though I still have no they will not be taking a truly else in the country. Ten years 2007, diminishing the harsh and cy Centers, Chris Slattery, ex- idea how they determined that Christian approach so long as later, the rate hasn’t staggered, gruesome stereotypes often at- plained that the group “offer[s] they saved 532 babies’ lives this they fail to truly reach these as the non-profi t Guttmacher tributed to anti-abortion groups. prayer, literature, roses and year, as the website boasts but women. Institute’s 2006 reproductive The 40-day campaign cites Bib- chocolates” to women entering doesn’t elaborate on), but they and sexual health report showed lical history wherein God used the clinic. Even with such gen- also fail to consider how the a 4% increase in the teen birth 40-day periods to transform tle gestures, however, pro-life people going to these clinics feel rate and a 1% rise in abortion communities (think Noah and representatives didn’t hesitate when faced with fl ailing banners april 14, 2010 the paper page 15 arts Freshly Brewed and Still Percolating Blend Cafe: open and open-minded by Kaitlin Campbell of Imperial Carpet across the dent art on the walls,” explained The Blend Café that was so tion atmosphere. But I wasn’t ARTS CO-EDITOR street, I could no longer hear the the girl working the counter. clinically idealistic, that I ini- yet convinced that the cultural ith its subtly chic façade bustling activity of East Ford- Though it is students artwork tially wanted to have sympathy and artistic forum it seems to be Wencasing its Starbucks- ham Road over the mundane wanted for the walls, and stu- for them. Just looking at the hoping for would fl ourish be- sleek interior, the newly-opened drone of Top 40 radio playing dent /friends of students staffi ng place, if you’re standing out- yond its present hopeful brain- Blend Café on East Fordham quietly through the surrounding the place, almost all of the food side Imperial Carpet about to storming stage. My main reason Road hardly blends in. Located speakers. I wasn’t sure if I felt being – we already have in between a Shell Station and a cloistered away from my pre- Go Venture forth, Rams Rodgriue’s. And, of barber shop and situated among sumed Bronx reality, or more course, we already love well-worn bodega storefronts comfortably and permanently Rodgirue’s. I brought and neon Pizza signs, the cof- immersed in it. the similarities between fee shop sticks out, seemingly It turns out that the back the goal for The Blend sticking its nose in the air. But room I was sitting in could Café and the already ex- behind the professionally pris- very well produce these two isting Rodrigue’s Coffee tine face, the café’s underly- feelings, as it is designed to be House to the owner, who ing concept matches the name. a quasi-rented space – so that, accepted and agreed As owner Bill Fleming puts it, if requested, exclusive events they were almost the the space gives an “opportunity can be held in the back while same. “We’d be willing for Fordham students to ‘blend’ the front remains open for lo- to work with Rodrigue’s, with the local population,” and cal business. It’s the small stage as they probably know more organically represent our installed in the back Café lends better than us what Ford- presence in the Belmont com- itself to completing this desig- ham wants – how? Not munity. nated multi-purpose area. sure – but this space is Borne from the vision of “We sent out an e-mail to going to ultimately be Suzanne Fleming, FCRH ’96, all the club leaders,” explains and even the coffee come from cross the street, you can span a created by you guys, since it’s and brought to life by husband Fleming. “I’ve talked to some local businesses. gaze from the preciously gaudy here to be whatever you guys and owner Bill Fleming, CBA people who are interested in The coffee comes from White Castle to the familiar and want.” And considering the pros ’95, The Blend Café opened putting on events like open Cerini Coffee on Arthur Ave – illogical Christmas lights inside to Blend – its late-night week- on March 17th and has since mic nights, karaoke, comedy which is Fair Trade and very Pete’s, then to the ever-solicited end hours, off-campus accessi- emerged in its adolescent state nights – any sort of suggestion tasty (which I say not exclu- and always busy University bility to grad students and apart- as a curious destination for stu- from you guys, we’re willing sively comparing it to Green Grocery, past school bus yellow ment-owning undergrads, and dents. to entertain.” Noticing the lack Mountain Caf Coffee). Pastries and always greasy University it being a neutral meeting place As a curious student my- of non-alcoholic opportunities and desserts are from Artuso’s Pizza, barber shop, then – what? for both students and faculty – th self, I decided to take a walk, for Fordham night-life, and cit- pastry shop on 187 , and the It’s almost as if you want there there are unique differences that and “see what the place was ing Fordham’s disadvantage to sandwiches and salads are from to be a maroon-and-white sign do not overshadow nor pale in all about.” Filing behind a schools like NYU and Colum- Mike’s Deli (fact) in Arthur Ave. on the door, to aid your struggle comparison to what Rodrigue’s 20-something year-old couple bia who have neighborhoods fa- market. “We don’t think it’s of trying to make sense of un- offers. But Fleming brings up in matching plaid, I walked cilitating cultural involvement, wise to try and beat these peo- spoken connection to Fordham a desired aspect of Blend that into the clean, spacious front- specifi cally artistic expression – ple [in quality] who have been you’re clearly noticing and don’t Rodrigue’s already has -- a uni- room, naturally focusing on the Fleming opened the Café, with doing this for generations,” says really know how to articulate. “I fi ed body of Fordham students white-board menu of Espresso think,” –stutter fashioning for themselves a des- – “that’s, for” – ignated space to hold events that blends, teas, and specialty And fi nd thyselves in artistic expression drinks that hung on the wall stutter “us.” And they all want to happen. behind a counter display case of course it is, This will be diffi cult to es- of pasties, desserts, salads, and just like every tablish in a new place, but I saran-wrapped deli sandwich- other local busi- don’t want to believe it can’t es. I ordered an iced coffee, ness we support happen. Outside of the ad- paid my expected $1.75, and ‘round here – ministration red-tape and iron turned in circles entertaining this time, the gates, there is more time fl ex- my seating options along the difference is, we ibility and fewer offi ces to visit high-stooled bar which lines might be able to for approval stamps. But The the windows and walls of the share a different Blend Café does not intend, nor echoingly-large, empty, tiled Fordham with could possibly become another room. the neighbor- Rodrigue’s. And I don’t think “You should defi nitely hood that isn’t they’re trying to be. check out the back,” suggest- only expressed The direction for the po- ed one of the two employees through GO tential of The Blend Café very behind the counter – a junior RAMS posters much depends on the Fordham at Fordham, and a friend and in bars, or emp- populus – this is why the own- roommate of Fordham stu- ties of Natty on ers e-mailed the club leaders. dents (who was hired, he ex- the sidewalk. They are relying on word of plained jokingly “because he This, I think, mouth and their Facebook page has barista experience”). is the goal of to spread the word about events. I peeked to the left of the The Blend Café And they have long hours – counter, and saw a surprisingly back-room and stage with the Fleming. The Blend Café aimed – and it is maybe because I’ve opening as early as 7 and clos- expansive hallway which lead hopes of fostering a new kind at supporting the neighborhood only known the debauched, ing as late as 11 on weekdays me to a large back room, dimly of off-campus artistic forum, by bringing the best quality bar-hopping, roof-partying, and and 3 am on Tuesdays, Fridays lit, full of squeaky black leather unique to Fordham and the Bel- items available around Little It- late-night gallivanting culture of and Saturdays. The Blend Café, couches, and lined with tables mont Community. aly and making them a block or Fordham weekends that at fi rst I though still budding, is never- and booths with built-in power Refreshed from my gone- two more accessible to students gave the idea a big “Psssht.” theless worth a curious visit for outlets. The place was empty in-a-fl ash iced coffee, and curi- and faculty. Basically, it’s a lit- After I left, another iced cof- a cup of delicious coffee and a save for three grad students ously energized, I sauntered out tle extra for a little less walking fee in my hand, I was mentally conveniently-close Arthur Ave. who sat at tables in the corner, of the quiet and dim back-room, from campus. And an amalgam- nodding in acceptance of its pastry. And is defi nitely worth plugged into headphones or text and back to the bright front. ated display case of places off- base role as a convenient to-go opening your mind to its unique books; using the free Wi-Fi on Save for a sparse collection of campus that students may have coffee or sandwich stop and use- potential – because we know it’s open laptops. Even though, from earth-deco stone wall plaques, already passed on their way to ful off-campus study space that had to have already caught your my seat on the couch, I could the off-white walls were starkly campus. would offer later hours than the attention. It’s too much the op- see the BX 12 eclipse the view bare. “[Bill] wants to have stu- There was something about library and comfortable produc- posite of an eyesore not to. page 16 the paper april 14, 2010

by Mickie Meinhardt skinhead (the British social against hippies and as a sym- ARTS CO-EDITOR group, not the neo-Nazi fas- bol of their “proletariat” roots. cists), trumpeting potent throaty Photographer Gavin Watson, Imagine for a moment the chords infused with jazz and remarked, “It was basically a ultimate badass: who wears dark blues. Hold out for October, too: ‘fuck you’ to the hippies. You skinny Levi’s and aviators, puts Black Rebel Motorcycle Club is aren’t going to wear boots, out cigs on people’s forearms, covering the Pogues. Granted, you’re not going to shave your and who kicked down your front these videos are blatant product head and wear tight working door, once. You’ve never seen placement - hard to miss all of jeans… so that’s what we’re this person bleed or eat or cry. those Doc-feet close-ups - but gonna do, because we’re not The badass also has a motorcy- it’s a provocative concept that middle class and we’re not hip- cle. What footwear would said nonetheless produces (or hope- pies”. In the 80s, punks adopted (possibly imaginary) person fully will produce) epic video- them to eschew mainstream so- choose to shod themselves in? covers. ciety and send a clear message Doc Martens. No contest. An One part of the somewhat of “we aren’t like you, middle iconic image of the early Brit- shameless promotion not seen class.” ish and American punk scenes, in print is a con- Docs were the uniform of The troversial and Sex Pistols, Pete Townsend, and fairly distasteful CBGB, and slowly grew in pop- ad campaign: ularity from their unknown birth each of the 4 ads on April 1st, 1960 to a counter- show a dead, culture mainstay on their recent white-robed 50th birthday. Their history par- musician: Kurt allels the combined evolution of Cobain, Sid Vi- fringe music, fashion, and social cious, Joey Ra- groups and has given them a mone, or Joe globally-recognized reputation Strummer, all as the original anti-mainstream EVENTS sporting Docs symbol. amidst heav- To commemorate the anni- enly clouds. versary, the brand has launched The outcry was a massive, multi-pronged cam- LIST enormous, espe- paign. As expected, a limited cially from a fu- edition of the famous 8-hole, Look, there’s shit going on. I can tell you what, when, where, rious Courtney 1460 boot is available (for a howmuch, and why but I can’t promise that the weather will Love, and Docs The Clash says: “Stoner bashing time” paltry $200) in standard black be nice -- because I am a woman. And women’s history month issued a public or cherry red -- but now with was in March, so...April is the cruelest month. apology after new gold laces and rivets. You -K.C. promptly fi ring the ad agency. “People have got to under- could spend more money than Though the brand claims the stand, punk isn’t this thing with you need to on those shoes, no agency produced the ads with- safety pins and loud guitars and doubt many crazed afi cionados What: Andrew Cornell Robinson: Bloodlines out corporate approval, that nihilism and negativity, we were will, or you could just get free When: April 10 - May 2, 5-8:30 pm claim is contestable (little white never about that! It was about mp3 downloads from their web- Where: Eyelevel BQE, 364 Leonard Street, Williamsburg lie to save face, perhaps?). The empowerment and individuality site instead. To chronicle the HOWMUCH: $0 ad’s sentiment may be compre- and freedom” said Don Letts, boot’s connection to music his- Why: A multimedia exhibition installation, Bloodlines explores hensible - Docs are classics be- a DJ and director. Doc Marten tory, Docs partnered with new history, identity and class by resurrecting ancestral fi gures and cause they last forever – but the boots were a part of this indi- artists and directors to produce casting them in a series of humorous queer scenarios. “Works ethical implications of the im- viduality. To many they rep- ten music video covers of fa- include photography, ceramic and mixed media sculpture, ages are debatable at best. resented something outside of mous punk bands, perpetuating printing and apparel. Robinson’s engagement with material and Possibly the best part of the society, like themselves, some- the leather-rebel image of their mythologies articulates his own revision of the world and points entire celebration is the compa- thing street and anarchistic and originals. a queer eye on assumptions of normalcy and power which we’ve ny’s Youtube video, document- “fuck you, this is who I am.” As of now only three are inherited and continue to perpetuate today,” says the website. Far ing the history of Docs through In the 90s, Docs somehow available; the remaining 7 will out, yo. photos and interviews with vari- became mainstream, debuting debut periodically from now ous music and art personnel -- new colors and styles to cope until November 1st. The fi rst What: Yo Miss! Teaching Inside the Cultural Divide vol. I very much worth the 10 minute with their huge demand. Icon- release, the Noisettes cover- When: Fri April 30, 7pm duration. ic girls started wearing them: ing “Ever Fallen In Love With Where: Nuyorican Poet’s Café, 236 East 3rd Street Docs debuted on April 1st, Thorna Birch in Ghost World, Someone You Shouldn’t’ve” HOWMUCH: $15 advance/$20 door 1960 (hence the 1460 name Drew Barrymore in The Wed- by the Buzzcocks, easily tri- Why: What happens when a middle-aged teaching artist survives of the standard ding Singer, and Kate Moss umphs over the other two. This a near fatal car accident and collides with the oncoming traffi c of 8-hole boot; all the time. The working-class British band is one of the best Hip Hop culture? Find out - Judith Sloan, playwright and seer will it’s the British symbolism morphed into street noughties-era debuts, lead tell you. birthdate) in culture: economics aside, you singer Shingai Shoniwa Northamp- still didn’t fuck with people having all the deep What: MillionTreesNYC Tree Giveaway shire, Eng- who wore Docs. intensity and so- When: Sat April 17 – Sun April 18, 10 am – 3pm land, and Walk through New York cietal-fringe Where: Wave Hill House, W 249th Street and Independence Ave, their durable City for more than 5 minutes aesthetic Bronx air-cush- and you’re bound to see at least of any HOWMUCH: Duh. ioned sole one pair of Docs, although like- 80s Why: They are giving away trees. All you need to be is a home/ became in- ly more. New York is the boots’ property owner with access to water, and you’ll get a tree. Trees stantly pop- hometown in America. Not only weigh approximately 30 pounds and stand 7-8 feet tall. It’s a fi rst- ular among are they an extension of attitude come, fi rst-serve basis. Go get trees! Keep them alive! They’re the working- and personality, but they also going fast! (No, but really.) class British. perform their original function Apparently as well as they did when Doc- What: Reconciliation shortly there- tor Marten fi rst sewed leather When: Mon – Thur, 12-12:30 pm, Sun 8-8:30 pm after, coun- together with rubber in the 50s: Where: University Church ter-culture they’re strong, comfortable, and HOWMUCH: Depends. groups began they last. They’ve become clas- Why: I think you already know. to adopt the shoe sics. And will always be just as as a statement fucking cool. april 14, 2010 the paper page 17

by Lenny Raney into revealing his cheating made an album of B sides. To STAFF DEADITOR ways. She dons a black veil her credit, GaGa’s vocal ability (which she removes in slo-mo deserves much better. Unfortu- I am going to get shit for in purely symbolic fashion) and nately, the same can’t be said for this. I’ve already been called a an ornate headdress made of her lyrics. I think it may have “hater” for my views on Lady shiny metallic sequins and gold been comedian Jim Gaffi gan GaGa, but so long as Interscope wire. Wacky headwear? Songs who said that our generation is Records continues to peddle her about “bad romance”? Cheesy so lazy that sooner or later our fi ercely mediocre music and symbolism? Sound at all famil- usage of language, already con- So the sun fi nally came out and campus is once again re- rehashed image, I will peddle iar? Perhaps splendent with jorts and frisbees. In the sprightly spirit of my fi ercely mediocre critique the only real warm weather we’ve got Real Estate, the best beach rock and rehashed arguments. I’ve Kate Bush. difference band around right now, as well as our lil’ campus’ own Bat- largely stayed quiet on Lady between this tle of the Bands - vote for the Spring Weekend opener from GaGa for the last several years and a lot of among your uber talented friends (and musically-inclined as I found her innocuous at the GaGa’s vid- paper editors!). -MM very worst (almost all of her eos (besides music) and even mildly enter- the quality of Who: Real Estate, Family Portrait taining at best (her VMA outfi t), the accompa- When: Friday 4/16 but the “Telephone” video was nying music) Where: Monster Island Basement the straw that broke the camels is that Kate How Much: $9 back. In the words of fellow pa- Bush actu- Why: The past year-ish saw an explosion of surf and beach per-azzo Chris Gramuglia, it’s a ally wore pants for some of the versationally shortened from rock, ranging from light-n’-easy to distorted and grungy. “musical tumor.” I could write video. sentences to clauses, clauses to Heading this upsurge is Real Estate, a New Jersey- born and an entire article on how terrible Speaking of not wearing single words, and single words now-Brooklyn-based foursome whose hazy melodies twang that video was, but I’ve always pants, Google Madonna and to abbrevs, will invariably end as heat shimmering off pavement. Their suburban roots yield preferred broad strokes, so let‘s look at the fi rst two images. up becoming monosyllabic lyrics of summers past, producing mental images of barefoot discuss GaGa in general. Now, repeat for Lady Gaga phonetic utterances and grunts. bike rides and fl at soda; muted drums and resonating cymbals Her image never grew on and look through the fi rst ten I give you Exhibit A: clash together like so many windchimes with guitars thick me the way it did many of my pages. They’re almost the same and muggy as August air. It’s easy but never lazy; they have a friends, but I could recognize person, except one wears a lot Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah! vibrating energy, like skateboarding over bad pavement, and that at the very least she was of spray tan and the other was Roma-Ro-ma-ah! put on excellent live shows – as sleepy as the album can sound, better than Britney Spears, Mi- around 25 years ago. The eye- Ga-ga-ooh-la-la! this band is far from somnolent. ley Cyrus, and the ilk. I mean, brows, the yellow hair, the shiny Want your bad romance” (Gaga, she is openly sexual. No lon- outfi ts: it’s uncanny. I mean 2008) Who: The Flaming Lips, Stardeath and White Dwarfs ger is the repressed sexuality hell, Grace Jones, who is known When: Saturday, 4/17 OR Monday, 4/19 of Spears’ Catholic school girl for her crazy outfi ts, erratic on- The fact remains that every- Where: Mid-Hudson Civic Center get up convincing pre-teen girls stage antics, ostentatious hair, thing Lady GaGa is doing now How Much: $40 that innuendo has been done by better sing- Why: The Flaming Lips have more than 20 years playing is the only way Grace Jones ers and better performers who psychedelic astro-pop music, a healthy duration of success they can be wrote better music when it was that should be incentive enough to go see them. Their multi- sexy. Homegirl much more subversive to ques- layered spacey tracks swell and burst with bubbly echos, neon is showing her tion pop culture’s status quo in laser riffs darting in between. Their vocals seems to fl oat and cooch in her the manner she attempts to. Her soar, making the space references wholly valid. Beautiful music videos! album sales and feverishly cult- music aside, the band is also notorious for live performances How liberat- ish appeal seem to benefi t from as bizarre as their lengthy song titles; costumes, complex light ing! Except, a cultural amnesia where every- and video displays, and even puppets have earned them a Christina Agu- body has somehow forgotten spot on Q magazine’s “50 Bands to See Before You Die”. As ilera broke that the contributions of Kate Bush, their cosmic name implies, Stardeath and White Dwarfs is a boundary just Madonna, Grace Jones, Cher, perfect complement with high-voiced, deep-bass, experimental 18 months af- and Debbie Harry suffi ciently electronica. The tour is really an extension of the two bands’ ter …Baby One enough to believe that her she- recent collaboration on a remake of Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of More Time was We came fi rst nanigans haven‘t all been done the Moon, released in late December. Epic album, epic duo, released with before. Nonetheless, it seems epic show. her aggressive that she has successfully poised sexuality and herself as a misunderstood Who: Municipal Waste, Toxic Holocaust raunchiness on vanguard of some sort of “an- When: Thursday, 4/22 Stripped. But ti-pop,” an iconoclasm of the Where: Knitting Factory Brooklyn what about her squeaky clean, purity-ring-clad How Much: $14 cool outfi ts? , doe-eyed innocence of 90’s Why: Now, I’m not much for thrash metal music – I bruise Nobody else has ever been as and hyper sexuality (getting the and early 00’s pop music. As a easily – so this show listing doesn’t have my loving accolades. fashion forward and out there as theme here?) actually had an al- result, the public has anointed However, I’m betting there’s quite a few of you who like to get Lady GaGa. I mean her whole bum named Fame come out in her a groundbreaking genius hammered and throw your bodies around in a vortex of fl ailing aesthetic is out of this world, 1978. Was GaGa’s The Fame who is well ahead of her time fi sts; thus Municipal Waste, a veteran of the mosh-inciting set. right? Perhaps, but at least in simply an homage on the thirty both sonically and aesthetically. Lots of bellowed vocals, heavy chords, and angry beatings (on the opinion of this curmud- year anniversary of its release? Unfortunately, she is nothing the drums, although people have been maimed at shows as geonly hater, Kate Bush, Grace Inadvertently, perhaps. I won- more than a hodge podge of well). So if you’re into all that, this is defi nitely the show to hit; Jones, and Madonna covered der if Grace got any royalties. cut rate recreations of the artis- with 4 albums and 8 years under their belt, Municipal Waste the whole “lithe 20-something I may not be religious, but that tic output of some of the most has, for all purposes, defi ned the metal sub-genre this decade. in a wacky outfi t toying with old Ecclesiastes adage, “What fantastically creative women popular conceptions of female has been will be again, what has (and men: Boy George, David Who: Fordham Battle of the Bands!!! sexuality” shtick before GaGa been done will be done again; Bowie, etc.) of the last 30 years. When: Friday, 4/16 was even born. there is nothing new under the In short, my real problem Where: Rodrigues Coffehouse Take for instance Kate sun,” seems particularly apt with Lady GaGa is not the How Much: FREE Bush’s video for the song “Ba- here. menstruation symbolism of her Why: Remember those high school friends that dragged booshka.” It features a 22 year- What’s perhaps even more VMA outfi t, the cigarette glass- you to mediocre local shows in an Elks lodge or some place old Kate wearing in turns a low disheartening is the quality of es, or even the music itself, it’s equally faux-wood and water stained? Well this isn’t that. It’s cut Lycra catsuit and thong bi- the actual music. In a recent in- that it’s all not only taken seri- a lot better. These here college kiddies can actually play their kini pirate/army offi cer getup terview with NME, M.I.A. said ously by the public, but also instruments and don’t cite grindcore as an infl uence. Plus the (complete with weapon and that Lady GaGa’s music sounds considered completely original winner gets to open for MGMT on Spring Weekend, and if thigh knife sheath) and using a like “20 year-old Ibiza disco,” and meaningful. If anything at you’re going to be in a sun-baked drunken stupor on Martyr’s cello as a dancing partner while which is probably the most apt all, she is a plagiarizing style- Lawn listening to them you might want to have a hand in telling a story about a woman description I’ve heard yet. The biter posing as a tribute band, voting. Rodrigue’s has had multiple unbelievably epic shows adopting a nom de plume (Ba- music itself sounds like Tiesto and where I’m from, that kind this year, and, as always, it’s free. booshka) to trick her husband and Basshunter got together and of shit doesn’t fl y. page 18 the paper april 14, 2010

by Sean Kelly Even though the venue tion. Patrick says that he and his EXECUTIVE CO-EDITOR managed to successfully associates have consulted with shirk police action in the lawyers and architects regard- As anyone who has ever past, it appears as if things ing the reopening of the venue, attended a show at the Mar- may not end as favorably this which is apparently completely ket Hotel knows, Bushwick’s time around. Since police feasible should the proper funds favorite DIY spot is a charm- entered with a warrant and be raised (Patrick conjectures ingly squalid hotbed of illegal found suffi cient evidence to that something on the order of activity, noise violations, and slap the Market Hotel with a $100,000 would be necessary). fi re safety practices that would liquor law violation, Patrick Since the Market Hotel’s clo- cause even the most seasoned and his associates now have sure, Patrick has entreated fans, fi re marshal to break a sweat. much more to deal with than fellow promoters and other DIY Indoor smoking rooms (which threats and intimidation. venues throughout the city to expand far beyond what could The NYPD will undoubt- rally for the venue’s cause by be referred to as a room), a edly keep a close eye on the holding fundraising events and “look the other way” BYOB Market Hotel in the future, concerts, a strategy refl ective of policy, and fl oors that seem as patrons weren’t the only ones doubtedly the most severe legal making another attempt at the Market Hotel’s grassroots though they are mere seconds who could hear the music. blow that the city has dealt to an illegal revival on the part of operational structure. away from collapsing under the This past Easter Sunday, the the Market Hotel to date, it is Patrick highly unlikely and, for But even with a legal team, weight of sweaty beer-soaked NYPD clamped down on the not the venue’s fi rst brush with the time being, causing shows architects and a fervent support revelers are all regular sights under-the-radar festivities that the law. Last June, a troupe of planned for the Market Hotel to base behind him, there are still that give the venue its unique make the Market Hotel what is, plainclothes offi cers entered the be relocated to legal and not-so- several undeniable obstacles to allure and lead the soberest of and in a big way. According to Market Hotel without a war- legal venues alike, most to Wil- Patrick’s successful reopening attendees to keep their kees- the New York Press, a raid in- rant, detained patrons, made liamsburg’s Shea Stadium. and legitimizing of the Market ters clenched tight waiting for volving over twenty offi cers threats under the pretense of the In spite of the vast array of Hotel, particularly a very un- the Johnny Law to bust in and took place during a Golden Tri- building being condemned (it diffi culties that the future holds happy Brooklyn Community put the lid on the fun. Even angles and Darlings show in the was not), and asked proprietors for Todd P and the Market Ho- Board 4. Since Community standing on the platform of the early morning hours of April 4th where the “drugs and guns” tel, there may be an upside to Board 4 is in charge of making nearby Myrtle Ave. stop of the following a tip that the venue were. Due to the illegality of the situation nonetheless. Ac- liquor license recommendations J train, music and shouts can was serving alcohol without a the search, concert promoter cording to his website, the pro- to the NYS Liquor Authority, be heard clearly through paper liquor license. Offi cers stormed Todd Patrick (who owns the moter is attempting to use the the Market Hotel’s forced clo- thin walls and rickety windows, the venue mid-set, ordering all venue) was able to successfully incident to fi nally turn the venue sure on the grounds of a liquor leading those standing outside inside to vacate immediately avoid any negative repercus- into a legal “licensed communi- law violation does not sit well to wonder “how in the fuck is and shutting down the venue in- sions stemming from the inci- ty space”, which Patrick insists with the board’s members, who this place still operational?” defi nitely. dent, allowing the Market Hotel has been the long-term goal of tend to frown upon venues that Apparently, Market Hotel Though this incident is un- to remain operational. the Market Hotel since its incep- circumvent the law.

by Nick Murray crunk&b. in club/house/techno, hip-hop, Still, one wonders if this begins, “you look psychotic STAFF LIL’ TRUTH Despite Ke$ha’s Nashville and just about everything ex- distance and this appropriation in a Balaclava.” Rather then cept infl uences from her home is not just another example of “Little Jon, he always tells origins, I imagine “TiK ToK” concede anything, the Colum- in Nashville, creating what her advantage for being able to the truth.” You probably al- sounds something like a more bia grads stood their ground, can only really be described as mainstream rougher music by ready knew that, but if you’ve pop version of the fi rst of those kept the African infl uence, and pop throughout her album Ani- smoothing their edges and mak- walked across Eddie’s at almost sub-sub-genres, eurocrunk. The popped their collars higher than mal. She uses auto-tune heav- ing them accessible to a larger any point in springtime, you’ve always dependable Dr. Luke ever. new market. And here probably heard Ezra Koenig, and boy genius Benny Blanco While critics continued nope Ezra Koenig and co. lead singer of Vampire Week- both align with Swedish-pop beating their drum (presumably again will become end, say it anyways -- clearly mastermind Max Martin, and not a djembe) Robert Christgau relevant. enunciating every syllable of Blanco has remixed for, among wrote in his apologia for the On their epony- their third single, “Oxford Com- other artists, French-ravers Jus- band, “as it happens, the kind of mous debut album ma.” Lil Jon’, of course, is best tice. cross-cultural re-appropriation Vampire Weekend did known as the face—and more However, Ke$ha carries on that’s kicked up so much non- not at all shy away importantly, the scratchy, syr- crunk’s legacy not so much with sense around Vampire Weekend from their smooth- upy, ever-enthusiastic voice— her songwriting as with her de- is also the process by which, edged privileged of “crunk,” an electronic party- fi ant attitude and party-centric for example, captive Arab girls life—song titles in- rap that came out of Atlanta in worldview. Her very good but juiced the harem music of dy- clude “Mansard the late 1990s and became pop- perhaps very top heavy debut nastic Egypt, or classically Roof,” “Oxford Com- ular in the early 2000s. (He’s album sequences songs titled trained Creole sight-readers ma,” and “Cape Cod less often known as one of the “BlahBlahBlah,” “Hungover,” spread jazz, or four Liverpool Kwassa Kwassa.” “I sub-genre’s main producers and and “Party at a Rich Dude’s speed freaks beat Chuck Berry, see you, you’re walk- creative agents). House” back-to-back-to-back rockabilly, Tin Pan Alley, and ing ‘cross the cam- Ke$ha too would likely and has deep cuts which are en- skiffl e into a noise rude enough pus,” Koenig sang, vouch for Jon’s honesty. And ergetic enough to serve as pos- for the Reeperbahn.” and we listened as we, while she never comes out and sible lead singles. Both Lil Jon So, pushing this thought well, walked ‘cross says it as plainly as Koenig, her and Ke$ha’s partying are appar- further, perhaps we can say the campus. Yet de- club music owes a certain debt ently relentless. Yet this does that some pop critics have, in ily, pushing the thin and treble spite—or cynically because to Jon’s club music, something not mean that their aesthetics the cases of both of these art- sound (scientifi cally engineered of—widespread critical approv- she sort of acknowledges in her totally coincide. Lil Jon prob- ists, problematically diminished to sound pleasant) until it begins al, some challenged the band’s fi rst single, “TiK ToK,” poorly ably did party relentlessly. I’m their achievements in an attempt to grate. “musical tourism” and the aes- enunciating the phrase “errbody not so sure if that’s the case with to defend, if not make sacred, She’s aware of this, and its thetic that the band themselves gettin crunk.” I can’t imagine I Ke$ha. the works of other artists who part of the fun. She’s aware dubbed, in a phrase truer and was the only one to guffaw upon In this sense, it’s not that no did not have equal access to that she overdoes the auto-tune more to-the-point than anything fi rst hearing this line. Crunk? one can party harder than Ke$ha the pop landscape. I think this just as she’s aware that crunk is its critics could come up with, Really? In 2009? Six years af- but that no one can employ the is something even our sage Lil dead, and that no twenty-three- “Upper West Side Soweto” ter “Yeah!” seven years after party aesthetic into her music Jon could agree to, since, after year-old white-girl-pop-star With this year’s Contra, the “Salt Shaker,” and eight years more than Ke$ha does, at least all, what is the hook of “Salt with any self-awareness would band directly challenged these after “Get Low?” According to without it becoming License to Shaker” if not an appropria- put a dollar sign in her name. critics, practically asking them Wikipedia, crunk has since split Ill. tion of a line in DJ Jimi’s 1990 Hell, she even does it because to repeat their claims. “In De- into, “eurocrunk, crunkcore, This is evident not just in her bounce tune “Where They At?” that’s how self-aware (and self- cember drinking horchata,” the crunkczar, and aquacrunk,” not use of the word crunk, but in the And, you know, he always tells confi dent) she is. album fi rst track, “Horchata” to mention trance crunk and way that she bathes her music the truth. april 14, 2010 the paper page 19

by Andrew Craig “Oh, you like Animal Collec- the proper equipment), but it My roommate’s favorite band is all by themselves, and usually STAFF 33 1/3 tive? Yeah, Merriweather Post would seem as artistic value Pearl Jam, and he bought a CD complement the musical aspect Vinyl records - they look Pavilion is one of those albums of albums is what truly drives copy of their album Backspacer of the album quite nicely. cool, they feel cool, they sound that you just have to hear on vi- sales. Think about your favorite on the day it was released. My These qualities do come great, and they’ve been estab- nyl,” and says it proudly. band. When they release a new brother’s favorite album is De- with a larger price tag, though. lished as the musical medium Jokes aside, though, vi- mon Days by Goril- LPs are more expensive than a of choice for hipsters. And it nyl’s resurgence is legitimate. laz, and he excitedly CD or download of a new al- seems that damn-dirty hipsters The growth is notable enough bought the deluxe bum, but they frequently come for stores to adapt accordingly. edition CD/DVD with a digital download of the like me are actually making Just. Bett er. notable economic impacts with Along with the smaller record of Plastic Beach music in addition to the actual our LP purchases. Sales of vi- stores found in Greenwich and Holy Hipsters when it came out a record. nyl records have been climb- the East Village, Barnes and Superior (2 U) few weeks ago (of In continuing this trend of ing steadily for the past several Noble has been selling records course, he would vinyl resurgence, Hachette Au- years - increasing by 89% in for a while, and Best Buy stocks have gotten the vi- dio announced several months 2008 and another 35% in 2009. them in about 50 of its stores, nyl instead, had they ago that David Sedaris’ most Compared to iTunes and CD including one in the Upper East released it). I have a recent audiobook Live for Your sales, however, this growth is Side. I’ve seen record players at friend who absolute- Listening Pleasure was to be re- very small. In 2008, 1.88 mil- several large electronic stores, ly refused to listen leased on vinyl. The album art- lion records were sold total, as that weren’t vinyl-to-mp3 con- to Vampire Week- work features a sultry-looking opposed to the 428 million CDs vertors as had been more usual end’s Contra until woman laying on a white shag (but seriously, who still listens to see years ago. Even in Roch- she had a physical rug, surrounded by records as a to CDs? The last one I bought ester, New York, my hometown copy of the CD in her decidedly nostalgic take on the was American Idiot by Green cultural wasteland of sorts, I was hands, even though release. In an interview for the Day in, like, middle school). even able to fi nd one at my local it had been available Times, Maga Thomas, senior Even more contrasting, 1 billion BJ’s (that was an awful idea to for listening on the vice president for digital and au- songs were downloaded digi- purchase it over winter break. album - one that you have been band’s website days before and dio publishing at Hachette, said tally in 2008. Have you ever tried to carry a looking forward to for months, leaked online even before that. that the attraction to the idea lies So basically, vinyl sales 25 lb. record player through or even years, one that you’ve This kind of dedication to and in its quirkiness, as Sedaris’ au- were approximately .00125% Penn Station, onto the subway, been reading about and franti- passion for the artistic value of dience is “very attuned to irony of all music sales. But this mi- and then down Fordham Road? cally YouTube-ing live perfor- a given album is what draws and [will] fi nd this funny.” So nority status only encourages No? Good. Don’t.) mances of - are you content just me to records, even if digitally even if it may be cheaper or the hipster’s sense of musical This interest in vinyl for sitting at your desk on the re- download it is so much easier. easier to listen to your favorite self-importance, so don’t be young listeners stems from an lease date to download an invis- Plus, record covers can be art- song or audiobook (as we all surprised when that homeless- insatiable desire that digital ible copy from iTunes or fi nd a work in and of themselves; liner must have) on CD, vinyl is just looking guy at Tinkers who’s music can’t satisfy. Passion for torrent online? While that could notes from CDs and lyrics or art better. That’s all I need to say: wearing women’s jeans says, sound quality is obvious (and it be the case, most enthusiastic printed on the insides and backs Just. Better. really does sound better, given musical purists would say “no.” of record sleeves have an appeal *Cue more hipster jokes* Joanna Newsom is Perfect by Alex Orf (as much as I’d like to think) harp before jumping between it rock, adding steady support counter-harmonies that washed NEWS CO-EDITOR and booked a fl ight back early tempos and keys, interweav- from the drums and guitars, over the audience before, like a Thursday, March 18. By some ing themes, and spinning a tale with violin fl ourishes and vo- break in a storm, all instruments In St. Louis, MO, where I miracle, I actually made it back involving daddy long legs and cal harmonies keeping it buoy- fell back and Newsom’s voice grew up and went to high school, to New York with time to spare, whispering Jesuits. ant; of all the songs played that cut through. the market for the kind of musi- and arrived in time to catch the After the near-standing ova- night, “Writ” seemed to be the Newsom closed out her set cians and bands that I liked was set of Newsom’s completely un- tion following “Have One on only one where Newsom forgot with “Peach, Plum, Pear,” an pretty small. For young music remarkable opener, whose name Me,” (the average applause about the pressures of perform- oddity that she has transformed, devotees like myself, there were I can’t recall and who I will not break lasted about two minutes, ing and just had fun, laughing in the seven years since it was two options: go to tiny venues discuss any further. the longest going just over four) with and making faces at band recorded, into an affecting, in- and basement shows and hope After about a half hour be- Newsom moved to the piano to members during the instrumen- tense, and captivating song. She for the best, or, if you’re skilled tween sets, Newsom entered play two more new songs and a tal breaks. walked off stage to a standing enough at lying to your parents, the stage alone and proceeded deeper cut from The Milk-Eyed Returning to the harp for the ovation, and walked back on be- drive the fi ve long hours up to play “Jackrabbits,” a gentle, Mender, her fi rst album: “Easy,” remainder of the set, Newsom fore the applause had died down Highway 55 to Chicago, where understated track from her phe- “Soft as Chalk,” and “Infl am- shifted the mood with “King- to play “Baby Birch,” which every tour in the history of time fi sher,” a dramatic eleven-min- functioned as the perfect after- has passed through. The dedi- Oh, I know you’ll have more ute parable that features the thought to such a dynamic and cation it takes to make such a than one on me most impressive use of dynam- varied concert. journey signifi ed the highest ics I’ve ever seen from a live While I had seen Newsom level of fan-dom, so much so performer. Aided by her talent- once before and immediately that the question, “Who would ed band, Newsom wove quiet fallen under her spell, this night you drive to Chicago to see?” stretches so delicate that the I had arrived more skeptical, became a sort of shorthand for dramatic explosions of melody especially of how her new al- asking a person’s favorite band. and percussion felt earth shak- bum would translate to a live While I never felt the need to ing. After another older song, performance. What I witnessed make this particular trek in high the tongue-in-cheek “The Book in the hour and a half that fol- school, this past spring break I of Right-On,” and the gently lowed proved that Joanna New- found myself in a comparable fl owing “Autumn,” a hum of som is the rare kind of perform- predicament. Joanna Newsom, violin strings announced the er whose songs sound better the harpist/singer/songwriter/ start of “Emily,” the fi rst track live than they do on an album; genius much lauded by the pa- off of Newsom’s 2005 master- where the offi cial recordings per and perhaps the only artist piece Ys. The nine-minute mini- are beautiful, provocative, but I would walk cross-country to suite turned out to be the fi nest highly polished, her live perfor- see, was playing at Town Hall performance of the night: the mances fi nd the songs crackling in Manhattan; I had a ticket, but nomenal new triple album, Have matory Writ,” respectively. prominence of the electric gui- with more vibrancy and a little I would also be in St. Louis the One on Me. As the last notes of Newsom executed the fi rst two tar and insistent pounding of the rougher around the edges. This day of the show. Determined the song rang out, Newsom’s effortlessly, no small feat for drum set toms added an edge sort of imperfection is, to me, nevertheless, I decided seeing fi ve-piece band joined her on- songs clocking in at over eight to Newsom’s fable of mead- the mark of an artist at the top a complete stranger for an hour stage and dove, or rather crept, minutes each. Her updated owlarks, astronomy, and “the of her game, breathing into her and a half was far more impor- right into the new album’s title take on “Infl ammatory Writ” sweetness of being.” At its best songs so much life and beauty tant than spending three more track, a twelve-minute epic that took the unadorned honky-tonk moments, “Emily” became a vi- that not even she can quite con- days with the family and friends starts with only Joanna and her piano of the original and made olent blending of harmonies and trol how they come out. who (probably don’t) miss me page 20 the paper april 14, 2010 the paper ’s guide to

RECORD STORE DAY

Since 2007, the third Saturday of April has been deemed Record Store Day, an occasion for audiophiles to stand in solidarity with independent record stores throughout the world. Concieved by Chris Brown, employee of record store chain Bull Moose, the event represents a collaboration of the 700+ record stores in the U.S., and hun- dreds of similar stores internationally. To celebrate, stores across the country hold special in-store events and artists and record labels release limited edition singles and records, as well as vinyl reissues of classic albums. In an age where digital downloading and pirating has supplanted physical releases, it is refreshing to see this event triumph and show that there are still people who place a high value on music and the community it is meant to create. Below is just a small sample of what will be avail- able this Saturday, April 17th. A complete list is available at http://www.recordstoreday.com/Page/836.

Fucked Up - Daytrotter Sessions 7” (Matador Records)

This limited 7” (1700 copies) of Fucked Up’s Daytrotter Participating Record Stores in Sessions (their session and more at www.daytrotter.com) is not just exclusive to record store day; there are also 11 dif- NYC: ferent covers for the release, 10 made in tribute to specifi c participating record stores throughout the country, and one Bronx: generic cover. As luck would have it, one of the tribute Harmony Records: 1625 Unionport Road covers is aimed at Generation records down by Washington Record’s n’ Stuff: 66 Westchester Avenue Square Park (pictured left). Add that sense of exclusivity to the fact that Cybals Eat Guitars (fronted by Fordham alum- Manhattan: nus Joseph D’Agostino) is billed for a live in-store perfor- A-1 Records: 439 E. 6th Street mance for the date, and you have yourself an afternoon. Academy LPs: 415 E. 12th Street Black Star Music & Video: 352 Lenox Avenue Bleecker Bob’s: 118 W. 3rd Street Bleecker Street Records: 239 Bleecker Street Deadly Dragon Sound: 102-B Forsyth Street Disc-O-Rama: 44 W. 8th Street Downtown Music Gallery: 342 Bowery Etherea: 66 Avenue A Joe Strummer & The Mescaleros - Global A Go-Go Fat Beats: 406 6th Avenue reissue (Hellcat Records) Generation Records: 210 Thompson Street Gimme Gimme Records: 325 E. 5th Street Clash frontman’s second solo effort gets re-released J&R Music World: 23 Park Row for the fi rst time on vinyl. Though this album has been Kim’s Video and Music: 124 1st Avenue available since 2001, it is still worth making note of if Other Music: 15 East 4th Street only for the reason that it’s now springtime and Global Rebel Rebel: 319 Bleecker Street A Go-Go is a beautiful summertime listen. The angst of Record Runner: 5 Jones Street Clash tunes give way to songs that are strictly feel-good Rock and Soul Records: 462 7th Avenue and which also have a semi-world music sound, making Village Music World: 197 Bleecker Street it perfect for laying back on Eddie’s or kicking back a Brooklyn: few beers on a roof somewhere. Academy Record Annex: 96 N. 6th Street Basement Mix Records: 439 Crescent Street Earwax Records: 218 Bedford Avenue Blur - Untitled 7” (EMI) Halcyon the Shop: 57 Pearl Street Sound Fix: 44 Berry Street This 7” will be Blur’s fi rst new single since Think Record Express: 523 Fulton Street, Brooklyn Tank’s “Good Song” in 2003. Though Damon Albarn reunited with guitarist Graham Coxon last year for a few tours, he has mostly been busy- ing himself with other projects like Gorillaz and The Good, the Bad, & the Queen. It should be interesting to see how such forays into hip-hop, electronic music, and minimalism infl uence the songwriting style designated for Blur in the past. Unfortunately, this new and limited (only 1,000 copies will turn up at participating UK stores) release does not indicate a full album release, but at least we get two goodies to slake our thirst for the next…seven years.

Pavement - Quarantine the Past: Best of Pavement 12” (track listing selected by winner of Record Store Day contest) (Matador)

First the worst, second the best? Well, not exactly in this case, as the fi rst place winner of the contest to guess the track list of Pavement’s greatest hits compilation Quarantine the Past got an all expenses paid trip to see the band play at Central Park this September. However, the second place winner gets their own claim to fame in that the track list they guessed actually gets pressed in a limited press of 1000 12” Records, for sale on record store day. The edition will also feature a tweaked version of the artwork by the band, at least slightly different from that pictured. april 14, 2010 the paper page 21 the paper’s big list Campus Tours, Guided by the paper

spot. The pee-ready desperate The Real Cemetery ham’s trademark building, ap- torment them well into middle by the paper student should look both ways Fordham likes things that pearing on university-issued age. STAFF OF MILLIONS SEV- before climbing the small stone look like what they aren’t: “ed- greeting cards and brochures This is also the exact loca- ERAL divider to scuttle down the dirt ible” food; buildings that people for prospective students, the nu- tion where, two years ago, I fi n- hhhh. Springtime. Can you hill. Then, turning to face Keat- takes classes in (Freeman and merous steps leading up to its gerbanged the shit out of Jane Asmell it? It smells like the ing, can crouch amidst the shel- JMH); suitable, not-condemned front entrance are never given McFoley. Man, that was awe- stench of Planet Wings mixed ter of the Security Bushes, pee- housing (Hughes); a parking proper air time during campus some. Her boobs were like this with the scent of monkey poop ing in a perfectly clean stream garage that wasn’t built on the tours. Keating Steps is the ab- big. BOO-YEAH! Hahaha, this blowing downwind from the that naturally fl ows downhill, remains of the dead. Oh, what’s solute best place on campus to guy over here knows exactly zoo. Suck it in. Hold it. And re- and away from your shoes and that little prospective neophyte? have the worst time on campus. what I’m talking about. lease. pants. Sorry, no toilet paper yet. You haven’t heard that last one? Want to dump your boyfriend? Don’t worry, parents. I see The arrival of springtime But enjoy. Well, that’s swell, I love when Tell him to meet you on Keating some of your faces, and I know brings back, for many of us, by Kaitlin Campbell you make my job as a volun- Steps—you can chain-smoke you’re worried about the sex- fl eeting memories of our fi rst ARTS CO-EDITOR teer tour guide challenging. and you don’t really have to ual exploits of your children. encounters with Rose Hill. We Remember that cutesy lil’ cem- look at each other. It’s rain- But I assure you, the superfl u- here at the paper got all nos- Celebrity DNA Hunt etery over yonder by the tennis ing? Why not whine about your ous amount of sexy time your talgic on everyone’s ass when Matt Damon, Michael courts? Well that’s false. Actu- now-ruined shoes and being offspring will be partaking in we saw the mass of prospective Douglas, Shia LeBoeuf; the ver- ally a bit of a pet cemetery, but marooned on some academic is totally normal. And, though students that visited the Boogie itable cavalcade of celebrities we won’t go into that… could building’s steps? Having a ner- my monstrous frame implies Down in order to get a glimpse that have visited our campus is ruin our image, you know, zom- vous breakdown? Just stare at otherwise, I’m actually quite a of our gated collegiate paradise. quite stagger- Eddie’s monotonous expanse gentle guy. So, when you write And while Rose Hill is never ing. But more “Great scott! Manuel, come and the slow-ambling stu- that check for 40k a year, I hope more photogenic than after a important than quick! I think we’ve got a Mi- dents until your vision blurs you’ll be reassured by the fact fresh blanket of snow covers the the time these chael Douglas pube here!” over, your mind becomes that at least 10k of that will pay campus, Spring is the best time stars spend here blank, and the ennui settles for a ticket to the bone zone. of the year to sell Fordham. The is what they in. Having a nervous break- This bone zone. *points sugges- weather is perfect, the fl owers leave behind. down and it’s raining? Even tively to crotch* are budding, the trees are green, I’m speaking, better. Keating Steps’ tall by Rolly Donagan and those goddamn ginkgos of course, about awning allows you to cry and STAFF VIRGIN by the library haven’t begun to their genetic stay dry! Not only that, you smell like shit yet. material. can experience cognitive dis- Uhhhh...McGinley Center? But while Rose Hill’s aes- Whether it’s sonance, as the steps lead up “Okay, listen up, kids! We’re thetics are perfectly crisp for a hair, skin fl akes, to a gorgeous building, yet about to step inside McGinley sale, the paper seriously doubts fi ngernails or are littered with testimonies Center of the Universe, the competence of the salespeo- something more of vagrant nights: cigarette home to the Ultimate Dining ple. We’re talking here about sinister (if we butts, eating-your-feelings- Marketplace, those elusive the tour guides, Fordham’s so- as a student chocolate bars, empty beer commuter students, and, berest batch of over achievers. body were lucky bottles, etc. Keating Steps is most importantly of all, the paper has recently come enough to host ideal for running into the ex- God himself(also known into possession of several tes- the sordid liai- act kinds of people you don’t as OSCLD). Check out our timonials (from anonymous sons of the Hol- want to run into, ensuring newly-renovated-only-to-be- sources) citing the unsatisfac- lywood elite), that you enjoy absolutely no demolished-within-a-few-years tory quality of Rose Hill tours. visiting celeb- aspect of your time moping lobby! Here is where you will We ourselves are nonplussed by rities have left there. Heck, every time I go, routinely experience feelings the list of Rose Hill hot spots a breadcrumb I’m either harassed by pro- of guilt as you pass yet another missing from the regular tours trail of DNA all over our lovely bie birds or Jesuits roaming the spective students’ parents ask- one of your friends trying to on campus. So, in order to better campus. All we need to fi nd it campus… preposterous. What ing if the doors behind me are raise money for their GO! trip serve the community, the paper are some black lights, elbow was I saying? Right, parking open or have to endure a bunch or some other worthy cause has compiled an infallible list grease, and a troupe of prospec- garage. You see, this fi ne piece of bros having a smoke sesh and only to tell them that, OMG, of must see Fordham locations. tive freshman that are willing to of property wasn’t always a glo- students leaving class in a whirl- you don’t have your money Enjoy: get their hands dirty. rious bastion of concrete and wind of complaints or cigarette with you right now (while The tour would begin in steel fi nery. There was once a smoke. So any time you want to you, in fact, either do have it THE ULTIMATE PEE-SPOT Keating, where the stars of the far inferior landscape here, with be a grumpy gargoyle, head to or know very well that even To facilitate the comfort of silver screen have graced us grass and trees and aestheti- Keating Steps. if you did, you’d be saving your Keating Steps experience, many a time with dead skin and cally pleasing landscaping. And by Sarah Madges that money for Howl’s later we realize the need to for a 24 rogue hairs, and continue all the tombs. But we couldn’t have EARWAX EDITOR tonight anyway). Next stop: hour bathroom, especially for way to the Walsh Library lawn, our fi ne campus falling behind the campus bookstore. As a those late (and very bladder- where Michael Douglas planted on architectural progression, so The Sexiest Spot on Campus freshman, here you will waste challenging, knowwhatah- his DNA encrusted feet in Soli- we had all that nonsense razed Ladies and Gentlemen, I’d lots of time waiting in line and mean?) nights. Just 50 feet from tary Man. All the while, the and smoothed over with tarmac. like to direct your attention to lots of money on Fordham the edge of the steps can you wide-eyed and slack-jawed high It’s just such a modernist addi- the steps of Larkin Hall, which hoodies that you will no longer fi nd Fordham’s most well-hid- school seniors would be scour- tion, blends beautifully with the sits just next to the Walsh Li- wear come sophomore year. If den and rebellious pee-spot. The ing the ground with tweezers new Soviet-style dorm build- brary. This picturesque building you head downstairs, you will sloped garden on the left of the and magnifying glasses for their ings. The bodies… well yes, houses Fordham’s Biology de- fi nally realize what the hell patio steps (looking at Eddie’s own special souvenir to remind of course they were moved… partment, and the now defunct Fordham’s talking about when from Keating) has two perfectly them of their riveting visit and what kind of question is that? entrance that faces East Ford- they call themselves a diverse famished bushes that create an show them just how important You don’t think we would actu- ham Road is the location where campus AND you might even inner-cove spacious enough the Rose Hill campus can be. ally leave them there, do you? I will be sexually pleasuring all stumble upon the University’s for all shapes and sizes of col- With the increasing num- To stew in Hades realm, nursing of your progeny this fall. two top-secret eateries- one lege students, while still hiding ber of movies being shot in out vengeance for the desecration I’m sorry? You missed that even serves alcohol! Upstairs each shaped and sized bare ass midst, this addition to the Rose of their ancestral ground… this last part? Oh, excuse me. I was is the magic van that takes you from the view of anyone walk- Hill tour is sure to only become isn’t Poltergeist, things like that merely pointing out the loca- to Manhattan without your ever ing along the path of Eddies. more exciting as time goes on, don’t happen. Heh, heh… of tion on campus where I will be having to set foot in a subway It is important to note that this attracting students and burgeon- course we moved the bodies… robbing your young, virginal station—oh, and OSCLD. What spot may be catered more to- ing celebrity DNA collectors by Mickie Meinhardt daughters of their well protected does OSCLD stand for, you ward females, as an all-fours from all ends of the country. ARTS CO-EDITOR v-cards and where I’ll introduce ask? Uhh…umm… well, looks position is more comfortable by Sean Patrick Kelly your sons to their fi rst homo- like our time’s up!” and practical for the procedure EXECUTIVE CO-EDITOR Keating Steps erotic experience, planting a by Elena Lightbourn you should follow at said pee- While Keating Hall is Ford- seed of doubt that will probably CHIEF COPY EDITOR page 22 the paper april 14, 2010 ture of black metal. The blast- The mixtape brings back beats beat drumming (also a staple not produced by, but “served of black metal), the tasteful by” Will.I.Am and Timbaland, use of bass, and Neige’s high as well as a plethora of other and usually indecipherable servers including Kanye West, earwax register voice blend together Ryan Leslie, and Travis Barker. to create a unique experience Roth collaborates on some pop- that everyone should try at ular beats, such as Camron and least once. As is the case with Yeezy’s “Down and Out” and any musician, Neige’s sound Ryan Leslie’s “Diamond Girl.” has evolved since his last ef- The album itself is a giant fort. “Ecailles De Lune” is dinner party, with invitations packed with extending to emotion artists Talib that can be Kweli, Blu, clearly heard Pac Div, B.o.B. in Neige’s and the like. black metal Diverging from style shrieks, his last record, which ex- Asleep in the quisitely Bread Aisle, complement Asher Roth bove you see pictured what has created something entirely heaven and love and magnolias some of the creates a musi- Asome may call a “ghetto new. It seems to borrow a page (it’s a metaphor, I think) that is heavier break cal atmosphere blaster,” not named so because from the popular songbook of unreasonably effective. I love passages (most that’s a lot it bombs any ghettos. Ghetto Pitchfork-approved acts like the this album. I love this woman. notably on “Ecailles De Lune more laid back than earlier ef- blasters are stereo systems that aforementioned Dirty Projec- And, even though I know her (Part II)”). But just when you forts. Even so, his lyrics follow have a booming bassy sound and tors and even Animal Collec- next album is probably go- think you can’t stand it any- the same old method that you come in various colors, which tive, yet still manages to sound ing to be drastically different more, a clean guitar interlude can expect from him: words that are all gradations of black. They entirely fresh. (the “infl uences” section of her interrupts the chaos, and a pop- rhyme or sound alike placed also have some other fun bells Dienel, along with col- MySpace contains nothing but py punk melody follows. Words in the same line rather than at and whistles like unnecessary laborator Shawn Creeden, has a YouTube video of “Protect Ya fall short of describing this al- the end of each bar, seamlessly fl ashing lights and included devised a minimalist sample- Neck“ by The Wu-Tang Clan), bum’s exquisite and unexpected connecting verse after verse. I shoulder straps to ease the strain heavy sound that maintains the she has suffi ciently earned my beauty. Clearly the album was have to be honest—I originally of sharing your music with the pulchritude of Phylactery Fac- trust enough so that I can con- written to be listened to in one thought that this mixtape was hood. According to stereotypes tory despite the abundant use fi dently say that I will love it as sitting, as each song fl ows into awful. But after a few more (which are always 100% ac- of synthesized sound and vo- well. the next seamlessly. For exam- listens, I came to the realiza- curate), only people who listen cal samples. “Icarus,” the fi rst ple, the third track, “Percees De tion that it’s just different, and to hip-hop and gangsta rap use single and opening track, fea- Lumiere,” is a complex compo- the listening experience really ghetto blasters, which means tures a lot of echoes and reverb, sition with perfectly calculated depends on the context wherein that Nick Murray and Keegan which create an open-aired at- consonances and dissonances. you listen to it. Talty own ghetto blasters. Read mosphere from nothing more In an empowering departure Just in time for the start of on for their sweet reviews, than a kick, a snare, an organ, from the ordinary, the melody the beach season, the music is among others. a sparse guitar lick, and a few takes you to an atmosphere of a lot mellower. I cannot picture -SM layers of Dienel’s voice. Think nostalgia whose fl owing sto- myself listening to it (save “Rik Dave Longstreth recording in an ryline captivates the listener so Smits” and “Fuck the Money” WHITE HINTERLAND empty concert hall after being that they feel what Neige must ft. B.o.B, which was originally Kairos told to chill the fuck out with feel. Replete with hypnotiz- on the May 25th mixtape by Lenny Raney the vocal runs. After highlights ALCEST ing melodies and harmonies, B.o.B.) lifting in the weight like “No Logic” and “Amster- Ecailles De Lune Ecailles De Lune is a must-have room or hanging out at a rager. Portland native Casey Di- dam,” which generally follow Michael Ziaii for any audiophile, regardless Wreckineyez includes a lot of enel has the sort of pipes that the same MO, we reach the fi nal of whether you can appreciate DJ scratches, which can get an- music theorists dream about: two tracks, which are nothing After three years in the stu- harsh vocals. Happy listening! noying at times, but as a whole ones with effortless control, short of pure magic. dio, Alcest returns with another he exudes a very retro hip-hop versatility, richness, and purity. “Huron” actually seems to top-notch effort. Their fi rst al- persona. Asher Roth’s fl ow Over the past four years she has draw at least somewhat from the bum, Souvenirs D’un Autre has smoothed out, and his lyri- had four releases, fi rst as Casey very same dark London back Monde, was Neige’s solo proj- cal prowess has defi nitely im- Dienel (The Wind-Up Canary in alleys where moody electron- ect. Creating a completely new proved. For those hip-hop lov- 2006) and then under the name ic music pioneers Burial and style of music, he wrote and ers who know him solely as the White Hinterland. The Wind- Tricky might have found inspi- recorded each individual part of “I Love College” guy, expect to Up Canary was precisely the ration. The percussion reaches the album. Neige is a very tal- be blown away by this album in sort of whimsy and twee that pretty deep into the dub plate; ented and respected player in the comparison. Asher Roth, one of was getting it uses its own French black metal scene, and XXL’s Top 10 Freshmen of the minor popu- echo to create a his solo work especially earns Hip-Hop Class of 2009, proves lar acclaim at sort of perpetual him this distinction. This rings ASHER ROTH to be one of the top of his class the time with cascade of clicks particularly true on Ecailles De Seared Foie Gras with Quince with this mixtape (keep in mind Regina Spe- and soft crashes. Lune, which Prophecy Produc- & Cranberry that he is in cahoots with B.o.B, ktor’s Begin Then there is tions released on March 29th. Keegan Talty Charles Hamilton, and Wale). to Hope and that voice. My Alcest is best described as in- His collaborations with The Blow’s goodness. At one die shoegaze with a splash of Asher Roth, creator of the some of the more renowned art- Paper Tele- point in the song post-punk heavily infl uenced beloved and most overplayed ists prove that the kid has tal- vision get- different tracks by black metal. In other words, college song, “I Love College,” ent. The entire mixtape depicts ting serious of her voice cre- there’s a lot of distortion, dron- dropped his new mixtape: a high-class and well-educated radio play. ate the melody, ing riffs, pedal experimenta- Seared Foie Gras with Quince brand of hip-hop, if the image of She changed the countermelo- tion, and incomprehensible vo- and Cranberry mid- March. the fi ve-star restaurant meal on things up dy, and the harmony in addition cal lines. Typically, two fuzzy The title and al- the cover or with 2008’s Phylactery Facto- to singing the lyrics. Finally, we rhythm guitars play together bum cover sug- the culinary ry, which exhibited some of the have “Magnolias,” which like to add an amorphous qual- gest a bit more reference in coffee-shop-friendly aesthete the rest of the album, features ity to this resulting sound. The of a debonair the title didn’t that Canary, et. al, possessed. little else besides a single in- new release’s opening track, image than the tip you off. It However, it also forwent the strument, a single sample, and “Ecailles De Lune (Part 1),” has brew-pound- is extremely coy playfulness of Regina Spe- her voice. Behind minor key no diffi culty grabbing the lis- ing, weed- different from ktor for the smoky jazz maturity electric guitar arppegiation and tener by the heart from the get- smoking party the gang- of a Norah Jones or Corinne a sample that sounds vaguely go. Neige often illustrates some boy that has sta rap, which Bailey Rae. Not content with like a harp or prepared piano, far away imaginary fairyland in been associated has been more simultaneously fl ipping the her voice meanders around, his solo work, and this album is with Mr. Roth. popular in script and maintaining an as- weaving its way above and be- no exception. But whatever his Unlike his last recent years. tonishingly high-quality level, neath the arpeggios for about theme, the music is beautiful mixtape, The “Sour Patch she decided to record her next three minutes. For the last two and heart- wrenching. Several Greenhouse Effect, presented by Kids Remix” features Talib album, 2009’s Luniculaire EP, minutes this song quietly erupts layers of heavily distorted gui- DJ Drama and Don Cannon, DJ Kweli and Blu and stops about entirely in French. Now on her into a triumphantly hushed and tars tremolo and create a wall of Wreckineyez hosts Foie Gras. 30 seconds in for an announce- most recent effort, Kairos, she hopeful beauty of a verse about sound, which is a prominent fea- april 14, 2010 the paper page 23 ment: Talib Kweli welcomes hear the tweeters and message MGMT a great doo-wop pace only to little abrupt and a little lost, but the listener to the “post-racial board commenters hitting their Congratulations end too soon, and the mostly- overall it’s a natural outgrowth society” which ties together ls and os. Will Yates instrumental 12-minute “Sibe- from their success: a world- the ideals of the type of hip- Eventually one begins to rian Breaks,” which is more or weary trip for a band that’s been hop that he and Common try to wonder where a rapper like Fab Oracular Spectacular has less the kind of music I hope tested to its limits. employ. It is a more accepting fi ts into today’s ever-changing been called one of the best works they continue producing if they hip-hop that doesn’t patronize rap landscape. If we’re looking of the year/decade/all time. I stay in this acoustic vein for the listener; instead it delivers at the backpack/trap fault line, agree with some of these desig- long. The album ends with a the message that the passion of Fab wears his jeans baggy, and nations, as some are obviously well-orchestrated eponymous the MC is more important than on There is No Competition he knee-jerk responses to its popu- track, again mostly about be- image. Asher Roth is an ideal selects beats that suggest his lar success. Some people called ing wigged out by fame, but performer to convey this mes- street leanings. However, this it shit because others called it choosing to enjoy it anyway. sage because he represents a scene has hardly embraced the the best thing ever. There are With the simple strumming and minority in the hip-hop realm. rapper, particularly since the only so many ways a band such soft organ swoops, it’s a little With the support of many great rise of the south-decentered rap as MGMT can grapple with reminiscent of the simpler parts and established artists, Asher away from the fi ve boroughs. runaway success, and follow- of Oracular such as “Pieces of Roth may be the one to help Fabolous, meanwhile, sounds ing up a fi rst huge hit can cre- What.” Congratulations feels a popularize this broader range of comfortable over slowed-down ate mixed opinions. One option hip-hop, and it all starts with the Atlanta trap bangers like Floc- is to simply keep it up, ignore Songs That Would Most Upset One Were fi rst course: Seared Foie Gras ka’s “O Let’s Do It.” the people that call you sell-outs with Quince and Cranberry. Although—or perhaps be- for signing with Sony, and roll One Undergoing Audio Attacks cause—his verses are more out twelve-odd awesome psych- technical and more clever than pop-folk songs that you can According to an AP report, American Marines have employed tactical those that Flocka offers, he dance to. Another would be to playlists, or “audio attacks,” to filter out Taliban insurgents from a farming hardly kills the Gucci Mane strip away the synths and beats community in Marjah, Afghanistan. When rebel forces engage with Ameri- pupil. Home fi eld advantage and sing about how freaked out can soldiers, an armored vehicle’s “powerful speakers” blare rock and heavy might, in fact, give Flocka the and guilty you feel about your metal (including Metallica, The Offspring, and Thin Lizzy) loud enough to edge on the “O Let’s Do It” fame. Unfortunately for Ford- be heard two kilometers away, and don’t stop for hours. “Taliban hate [this] beat. Perhaps Fabolous’s closest ham’s Spring Weekend attend- music,” one sergeant said. “Some locals complain but it’s a way to push them allies in the rap game these days ees who might have hoped for to choose [sides]. It’s motivating Marines as well.” The songs are riddled is Lil Wayne and the crew he’s the acid-tastic pop that made with threats to the Taliban resistance, but one officer promised there are no assembled at Young Money. obscenities—“but we tell them they’re gonna die.” Here’s a list of songs that DJ Drama & FABOLOUS Regardless of hip-hop topogra- many couldn’t endure at maximum volume for even the song’s duration. There Is No Competition 2: The phy, their presence can be felt Funeral Service throughout this mixtape. “Barbie Girl”: Aqua Nick Murray Of course, any post-2007 “Hiya, Barbie!” a brusque voice calls out. “Hi, Ken!” undeveloped larynxes effort to confront rappers on reply. So begins the electro-pop atrocity that’s as saccharine and superficial Lil Wayne eats rappers. Fab- their own beats immediately as the Barbie doll about which they sing. It’s like listening to a horrendous olous, a little more traditional in invokes Wayne’s Da Drought radio commercial for Barbie’s many novel features (wrapped in plastic! it’s style and vernacular, murders 3, the track-killing mixtape that fantastic!) that was appropriated way too much budget money, and evokes them. On There Is No Competi- effectively killed track-killing way too much irritability. tion 2: The Funeral Service, he mixtapes. Moreover, the Young -SM and Gangsta Grillz’s DJ Drama Money rappers have been the murder a slew of the hottest latest to popularize the punch- them huge, MGMT chose the “All the Things She Said”: T.a.t.u latter route with their new al- tracks that artists from Rihanna line-heavy style that Fabolous We all know those chubby-cheeked chipmunks: Alvin, Simon, and Theodore bum, Congratulations. to Wacka Flocka Flame put out also employs, only most of their Seville (of Alvin and the Chipmunks). Remember their female counterparts/ Only nine songs long, the in last few months of 2009 and punchlines wouldn’t even suf- on-and-off girlfriends, the Chipettes? Turns out they’re actually two Russian instrumentation is notably dif- the fi rst few months of 2010. fi ce for the weak Funeral Ser- chicks squeaking out homoerotic songs, like this 2000 classic annoyance:. ferent, favoring drum kits and Call it death by 1,000 punch- vice guest spots of Paul Cain -SM lines. and Freck Billionaire. female back-up singers over Fabolous is well suited for Along with occasionally the warbled, über-catchy elec- such a task. His previous stu- incorporating a Young Money- tro hooks and pop beats a la “It’s A Small World After All”: Robert & Richard Sherman dio album, last style ellipsis “Kids” and “Time to Pretend” This song makes me think of clogged nasal cavities and that terrible tutorial- year’s Loso’s into his rhymes, that shot them to stardom. The to-other-cultures ride at Disney World. I never wanted those two things to mix. Way, was a Fabolous also long, layered jams and Flaming “There is just one moon/and one golden sun./And a smile means/ Friendship passable effort mocks the Lips sound effects undeniably to every one./ Though the mountains divide/ And the oceans are wide/ It’s a for a major la- practice with point to remnants producer Pete small world after all.” So it shouldn’t be hard to track you down and kill you. bel rap release, quadruple- Kember of Spacemen-3 fame -SM containing a entendres like: left. It really only feels like the few choice cuts “You might band we know because of An- “Who Let the Dogs Out”: the Baha Men and the excel- get your ass drew VanWyngarden’s telltale Everyone knows rhetorical questions are useless (does everyone know lent “Throw It fucked, pause, paranoid falsetto voice, which rhetorical questions are useless?). I guess 2000 was a bad time for music, In the Bag.” no homo.” sounds more and more like as that was the year the Baha Men unleashed their repeated-ad-nauseam However, it had While this cer- a little kid’s as it progresses. rhetorical question: “Who let the dogs out?” and called it music. I don’t want trouble forging tainly consti- By turns whimsical, cynical, to know what one’s mental threshold for hearing interminable Bahamian through the ni- tutes a master- and subdued, Congratulations barks of “Who? Who?” is. hilism produced by the endless ing of the technique, will it, as centers on lots of references -SM stream of “You’re highest title, Fab promises, kill it? Probably to selling out, the pressures of numero uno/ I’m not that little not. If anything, it may perpetu- becoming hugely famous and “Dirty Little Secret”: the All American Rejects the weight of expectations. All pregnant white girl but Juno” ate the style showing what can Cookie cutter pop rock band, the All American Rejects, reached into the in all, a lot of Congratulations punchlines. On a mixtape, over happen when used by a quality communal jar of teenybopper-friendly clichés and released their reject: “Dirty is simply slow-tempo freeform other rappers’ beats, that burden rapper. Even if it would be pre- Little Secret” in 2005. Almost as bad as their impotent love ballad, “Swing, despair, but there are a few nug- of creation is lifted and an end- mature for Fabolous to adver- Swing,” this song actually is as bad as the medieval torture device, “the pear gets within the album. less stream becomes the main tise his undertaker services on of anguish,” (a way cooler song title anyway) which breaks jaw bones. Slowly. “Flash Delirium” is the draw. Craigslist, he fi guratively kills -SM On The Funeral Service it, and in doing so makes a great best track and on par with their Fab’s lines range from the topi- tape. previous releases. Basically a cal “As suspect as R. Kelly ballad about bad acid trips, it “Crazy Bitch”: Buck Cherry with Girl Scout cookies” to the runs the gamut of weird, from “You’re crazy, but I like the way you fuck me” is the last line and essentially the kush-oriented “It’s been a hec- Zombies-style organ to a fl ute lyrical thesis of this song. If the gravel/nasal vocals exuding overt misogyny tic year/ So we sit and get fried, solo that would fi t into a Disney wasn’t enough to make you stab Q-tips in your ears, the shameless riffing call it weed electric chair” to log ride, all ending in a scream- that overlaps predictable distorted guitar and creamy blues will. Culminating the sports-themed “Big money ing crescendo. The in-between in masturbatory wah-wah pedal soloing, you have to ask if the band is getting on deck like A-Rod’s next at parts are pretty sweet, and you laid at all, let alone in the manner described. bat” to the playfully weird “My could almost dance to it if you -BC shit’s bananas, like a monkey’s were pretty fucked up. The mu- number two,” and that’s just sic video is also a must if you’re on the fi rst half of “I’m Raw.” out to see what Wes Anderson “She Hates Me”: Puddle of Mudd When he asks: “If you could on shrooms would make. Other No. I hate you. have Beyonce, would you take solid tracks include “Someone’s -SM Solange?” you can practically Missing,” which picks up to page 24 the paper april 14, 2010