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3-20-1982 Wavelength - Vol. 03, No. 04 - Spring 1982 University of Massachusetts Boston
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Wavelength • Spring 1982
Pb4Sw'puf State House, Boston, 1980, Glen Gurner Wavelength
Volume 3, Number 4 Spring 1982
Editor aer:* _-_/© JEFF BRUNNER
Literary Editors JOHN HAWKINS TOM KAPLAN-MAXFIELD LU LASSON
News Editor KEN TANGVIK
Third World Editor WILLIAN HENRIQUEZ
Art Director KELLY KILDOW
Staff CYNTHIA AVILLAR BETH BAGLEY ALISON HURLEY JOANNE KENNEY DENNIS LORDAN LISA SAMA CHARLIE WARDELL
Front and Back Cover Drawing by Paul Swiggart
Inside Front and Back Cover Photos by Glen Gurner
Design by Kelly Kildow
Waveknffh is the literary/news/arts magazine of UMass/Boston, student funded and staffed. (Offices: 010/6/096] f)y for Clara Schumann and Johannes Brahms DEPARTMENTS Letters FATHER PENN SEXUAL HARASSMENT KHOMEINI ATROCITIES Fiction 4 SHORT PIECES — Ramon Figueroa LOUT AT ST. LEONARD'S — William Cahill COMING SOON TO A THEATER NEAR YOU — Daniel Small Essflv IMPOSSIBLE LOVE An essay of broken reflections — Tom Kaplan-Maxfield 14 Poetry — Robbins, Driscoll, Schuster, MacDonald, Knill, Haug, Sama, Crowley, Ritchie, Sullivan, Meier, O'Connor, Marzot, Hall, Hewbold, Hawkins, Brunner, Nickerson 18 Third World EL SALVADOR — Avillar and Henriquez NICARAGUA LIBRE — William Alan TELL THE CHILDREN THE TRUTH — George MacKenzie HAITIAN REFUGEES — Ashley Batista POETRY — Moore, Sousa 29 Photo essay IMAGES SILVERED — Glen Gurner and Nina Schlosberg 41 41 News REFLECTIONS ON A NOBLE CAUSE — Michael Letwin CAMBODIA AFTERMATH: KHAO-I-Dang — Lisa Sama WORKFARE -Charles Wardell 49 Supplement WOMEN'S ANTHOLOGY 63 49 LETTERS To the Readers: the Church's doctrine is. Why does the and non-sequiturs that as such do not merit The Wavelength staff would like to re- author think those Maryknoll nuns were a rebuttal. On the one hand, it would be mind its readers that "Father Penn is a fic- killed? Or did he consider that? Why not naive to think that an institution, despite a tious being." However, the facts contained look at what these people are doing, then divine authorship and guidance, could have it the article "A Dissenting Jesuit's View of show how corrupt the institution is and ask, almost two thousand years of human the Catholic Church" of the last issue of even if they aren't adhering to all the doc- history without human failings. The Wavelength were obtained from the follow- trines, can they still in good conscience Church is the first to admit this. However, ing sources: The Inquisition, by John A. support the coffers of this institution. to the many of us who experience the O'Brien, MacMillan Publishing Co., New Also the piece is really insensitive to the Church as a major force for good in which York 1973, The Spanish Inquisition by fact that religion involves family traditions. God is present and who actively work Henry Kamer, New American Library Catholics I know today are not strictly within it to bring about a better world, the 1965, L'Inquisition by Pierre Dominique, followig the doctrines, but are seeking to article is personally very insulting and of- Librarie Academique Perrin, Paris 1969, preserve what is good in their traditions. fensive. I, for my part, would be ready to The Humanist, Vol. 41 Number 1 Jan./Feb. Archie Bunker also likes to rant about discuss how the Church can be more 1981, The Making of the Popes 1978: The how much money the Catholic Church has. faithful to its preaching; but such a dialogue Politics of Intrigue in the Vatican, Andrews Not a terrificly intelligent point of view is impossible with one who is obsessed with and Memeel, Inc., Kansas City 1979, Wit- (neither is it original). denigrating at every opportunity. ches, Midwifes and Nurses: A History of On a more philosophical level, it may Women Healers, The Feminist Press, New Mary Bethe Cooper be worthwhile for Wavelength to reflect York 1973, Vatican U.S.A., by Nino upon the educational foundations and im- LoBello, Pocket Books, New York 1973, plications of the state university of which it The Vatican Empire, by Nino LoBello Tri- is a part. Briefly put, while the modern To the editors: dent Press New York 1968, The Decline secular university does not propagate any It is very distressing to me and to the and Fall of the Roman Church by Malachi sectarian belief or value system, it en- many people both within and outside the Martin, G. P. Putmans Sons, New York courages various systems to co-exist side by university who have contacted me that in 1980, Newsweek Nov. 3, 1980, A Modern side in peace. This is part of the meaning of its last issue Wavelength printed such an in- Priest Looks at His OutDated Church Trident pluralism. Such an institution of higher flammatory and prejudicial article against Press, New York, 1967, Church, State, and learning, along with its component parts, Catholicism. Certainly nineteenth century Freedom Beacon Press, Boston, 1967 seeks to create an environment in which American "literature" is replete with such tolerance at least, if not genuine apprecia- anti-Catholic attacks, but I had the impres- tion, can flourish; certainly not an environ- sion that such bigotry no longer ex- ment in which hysterical attacks slander a isted — at least not in print. Father Penn segment of the population. One of the most disturbing features of I hope that in the future the Wavelength the article is the rage with which it is writ- staff will evidence better judgement in To the Editors: ten. It is unfortunate that the author did not deciding which articles are fit for publica- Why isn't this signed? What's the dif- have the security and/or maturity to iden- tion. I hope it will not again encourage a ference between this and anti-Semitic tify himself/herself. Of course given the disgruntled student with hostile feelings literature? In my opinion it's unethical not virulent attack, it is understandable that the against a particular group to publicly vent signing it. The author puts me in mind of true author did not wish to claim respon- his/her ire. Such venting can only serve to medieval or middle age Christian scholars sibility. Less understandable is that further prejudice against religious, racial who wrote down every negative fact they Wavelength permitted such a scurrilous arti- and sexual minorities. could find or think about Judaism and then cle to be printed without requiring the I personally am ready to excuse the arti- wanted to know why Jews didn't march in author to sign it. cle as simply due to the inexperience of the droves to the Baptismal font, dropping their The author's manipulative style is not student staff, although that does not lessen culture and traditions by the wayside. geared so much to give facts, much less the damage done. And since Wavelength is Furtherfore, the author doesn't know truth, as to create an emotional response on ultimately accountable in some form to the who Catholics are today. He calls them the part of the reader against religion in university (I have not been able to view a "brainwashed." Well, all the statistics con- general and against Catholicism in par- copy of its consitution), then the university cerning practicing Catholics in the U.S. to- ticular. An obvious example of deception is administration and faculty must examine its day show that they are picking and choos- that the article was written to give the im- ing what parts of their religion they will own degree of responsibility for the article. pression that an ex-Jesuit priest wrote it. practice. Fr. Maurice Loiselle, O.M.I. This is particularly true where Although, to the critical reader, the adoles- Campus Minister, U.M.B. birth control is concerned, but in other cent rage of the article clearly points to a areas too. The Catholic missionaries and younger author, many who read the article clergy in Latin America, though they have thought it was in fact an ex-priest who been reprimanded several times for getting wrote it. Such slander against the Jesuits is Dear Father Penn: involved in temporal affairs (siding with the inexcusable. Thank you or your thoughtful and well- people against political regimes), continue The article itself is poorly written and researched article in the recent issue of to concern themselves with politics. They filled with false statements, cliches, half- Wavelength. As always, it takes great feel it is their Christian duty no matter what truths, sweeping generalities, innuendoes stength and humility to stand alone for the sake of Truth. The life of Jesus the Christ society is clear. However, there are as given. Is Confession, for example "a com- bears witness to this. many, if not more, Catholic as non- plete farce?" Carl Jung did not think so, yet I would add, however, that although the Catholic women having abortions and in you say it is. No evidence is given for this Church's colonization of the bodies and other ways Catholic women are rejecting opinion except the testimony of an im- minds of women is well documented, the the Church's limited perception of them. aginary priest. There are many examples of latest front in their continued expansion- The contradictions of the Catholic Church this throughout the attack, and it would be tedious list all. plan is the continent of Africa. Blithely ig- and the connection between its patriarchal to them Generally, the har- norant of the rich indigenous spiritual tradi- doctrines and women's oppression need to sher the accusation, the less evidence is of- fered. tions, the Pope has made his true objec- be heard more often. Whoever Father expression will seem harsh, but tives blatently obvious with his recent tour. Penn is, she or he must also have been My consider. What would be the reaction if The Church seems to be striving to brought up Catholic because it would be Wavelength published selections from the become the MacDonalds of Spirituality. difficult to believe such understanding of notorious "Protocols of the Elders of Zion" Or, as the late and Honorable Bob the contradictions and such willingness to with a commentary by an imaginary "Rabbi Marley put it: relate them could come from one not ex- posed to Catholicism. Oldword" who supposedly announced that "But I'm gonna stare in the sun his only purpose was to inform freedom let the rays shine in my eyes Kristan Bagley loving Americans of the plots of his co- I'm gonna take just one step more Judy Bousquin religionists? Or suppose there appeared in Cause I feel like bombing a church Monica Crowley your journal a racist diatribe, the fulmina- Now that you now that the preacher is lying Denise Oberdan tions of some demented race baiter, com- who's gonna stay at So home plete with phoney genetic "evidence", but When the freedom fighters are fighting attributed to a fictious former civil rights ad- Talkin' blues, talkin' blues, vocate? Or suppose, just suppose, there ap- Dear Editors: They say your feet is just too big for your peared in Wavelength an attack on feminism shoes This is in protest to the scurrilous, in- composed by a fictitious former member of sulting and mendacious attack on the Talkin' blues, keep on talkin' blues NOW which accused the women's move- Catholic Church that appeared in the last They say, you hear what they say, ment of being a Communist front which ad- edition of Wavelength. It was objectionable didn't you hear?" vocated he murder of babies, and of being on a number of grounds. First, the ferocity responsible for the breakdown of the fami- (from: Talkin' Blues" by Bob Marley) and ignorance manifested in the article ly, the decline of sexual morality, and the Blessed Be, Father Penn, Keep the precluded any hope of objectivity and increases in divorces, abortions and teenag- Faith! fairness. So onesided was the attack that ed pregnancies? I hope never to see such your express desire that Catholics read it things in print, and what would be the reac- Yours, with an "open mind" strikes the reader as tion to such attacks? Would such attacks Betty-Jo Demetralakas hypocritical. After all, you add, we (mean- ever see the light of day in Wavelength or ing the Catholics among us) have been any other UMB publication? Yet your at- "brainwashed." Nice. You encourage open- tack on the Catholic Chuch was on the very To Father Penn: mindedness of Catholics by insulting their same level. As women who were raised as intelligence. Further, your claim of brain- Catholics, we appreciate the rare and can- washing might be taken more seriously if The most appalling aspect of the attack did perspective of the Catholic Church ex- Wavelength itself weren't so obviously trying however, was not # its content, since its pressed i your article "A Dissenting Jesuit's to brainwash the UMB community. The crudity and ignorance made it more of an ir- View of the Catholic Church" (Wavelength, leftward political bias that is so apparent in ritant to the informed Catholic than a threat Feb .-Mar. 1982). We can identify with Wavelength makes it appear more a political or a challenge. It is, rather, the fact that the your assertions that fear and guilt are two journal — a mixture of sandbox Marxism whole thing is a lie. A "Father Penn" is the emotions the Catholic Chruch manipulates and fanatical feminism — than a literary purported author, the title is "A Dissenting in order to obtain contol and maintain journal. I will return to that point later. Jesuit's View of the Catholic Church," and devotion from its followers. We agree that As an attack (which is what it was), the the preface to the attack and the attack Catholic dogma is not based on honest article ws not only groundless, it betrayed itself are written as if by this estranged principles. As you so aptly illustrate, the not the least knowledge of what Jesuit. Like reporter Janet Cooke's eight ideals of Christianity and the actions of the Catholicism really is. As one example only year old heroin addict however, "Father Catholic Church are two completely dif- (there are many I could choose), the name Penn" does not exist. This fact you admit ferent things and that the Church's actions of the Jesuit priest you mentioned (the real on the bottom of the last page of the piece, are beneficial to a small group of people in Jesuit priest, not the phoney one whose where you state, "Father Penn is a fictitious terms of money and power. But by attemp- name was attached to the article), is Robert being." Why did you bother to state this? In ting to legitimize oppression of women, the not Richard Drinan. This is a small error, the hopes of keeping your Pulitzer? No Catholic Church is damaging to a great but of interest because it is an easy one to matter, since it was obvious from internal number. The problem lies in using the avoid, Father Drinan being a well known evidence that no Jesuit wrote that attack; pulpit as a lobbying palce against the political figure. As for the opnions express- frankly, a Jesuit would have done a much freedom of choice. The pope's position on ed regarding various aspects of the Catholic better job. Announcing that the attack was abortion, birth conrol and women's role in Church, there is virtually no evidence, a phoney only barely redeems your hones- cy, for what we have as a result is an unsign- To Father Penn and editors: requirement that these procedures be ed attack on the Catholic Church. developed to consider "solely" sexual But what, I asked upon reading your at- Ode to Catholicism harassment grievances. The purpose of Ti- tack, could be the motive? Could such ig- tle IX is to eliminate discrimination on the norance and hatred of the Catholic Church Christian guilded lovers basis of sex in any education program or ac- still exist in the City of Boston 150 years with cross your heart pain, tivity receiving federal financial assistance. after an angry mob burned down the Ur- wearing bands of thorns so cutting, Ih short, contrary to what Ms. Bagley has the rain. saline convent in Charlestown? Is it possi- while singing in stated, the University does have a Title IX ble that you have a narrow minded enough The monks mocking music officer and does have a grievance procedure. person on your staff that his mind is filled breathing in parade, The Director of Affirmative Action serves with the prejudices of the 19th Century the worrying beads of devotion as the Title IX officer and the affirmative toward Catholicism? Probably not. No, carried by a maid. action grievance procedure addresses your attack has, I believe, another motive, Starvation feeds the empty bowls issues of sexual harassment as well as other one more in keeping with the prejudices of while skeletons remain forms of discrimination. the 20th Century than the 19th, for your the ghost from the confessional Finally, in the article Ms. Bagley refer- attack on the Church is not motivated by judges us as sane. The coins of charity red to an alleged meeting between Janet religious fanaticism, it is motivated by token s of Ceasars Dynarski and me in my capacity as Direc- political fanatacism. The Church is feed the pious appetite tor of Affirmative Action. Ms. Bagley writes characterized as, "the rjiost powerful in- what costs to appease her that Ms. Dynarski stated that "Johnson was stitution in the world,™ and as an institu- won't you take me to the altar not very helpful" and that, "he told us that tion, "...based on blind dogma, through so we'all get saved? this did not fall under his jurisdiction. "This which the darkest side of patriarchy is ex- Sure, but the crosses are burning statement is untrue. I never met with Ms. pressed." Neither of these statements is and the saints are on the run. Dynarski and never made such a statement true, of course, and typically, no evidence to her. is provided for them, however, these two M. Turner I share the concern of many members complaints provided the real target and the of this community with respect to sexual real motivation for you attack. In this age in harassment. I urge any students and which poltics has swallowed up everything, employees who have a grievance to bring you see the Church only and exclusively as Sexual Harassment them to my attention or to the attention of a political agent, and thus your only Ms. Molly Matson, Librarian. In addition, I categories for comprehending her, as I said To the Editors: urge interested individuals to work with the before are those of sandbox Marxism and This letter is in response to the article Office of Affirmative Action in attempting fanatical feminism. Because you reduce the written by Beth Bagley entitled "Sexual to educate the community to the nature Church to the terms of your own small fan- Harassment at UMB." The Office of Affir- and illegality of this reprehensible form of tasy island of politics, i.e. those of power mative Action has a strong commitment to discrimination. and patriarchy, you cannot see her history, implementing University Policy prohibiting her spirituality, her goodness, or even, God sexual harassment. In the past we have Robert Johnson Jr. help us, the need for some agency other been handicapped by lack of staff, but with Affirmative Action Officer than the self-appointed commissars of sex- the arrival of Ms. Jocelind Gant from ual equality and the real commissars of Boston State College we should be able to socialist states, to remind the human race improve upon our handling of sexual of duties and responsibilties beyond its im- harassment complaints as well as other Khomeni's Atrocities mediate needs and desires. complaints. However, I would like to call to the at- The 1979 Revolution in Iran came John C. Caiazza, Ph.D. tenion of the readers of your excellent about because the people were seeking UMass/Boston magazine certain inaccuracies contained in democracy and justice. They wanted jobs, Associate Director Ms. Bagley's article. Ms. Bagley stated that land reform, equal rights for women and Office of Student Financial Mgt. federal law required the adoption of a minorities, adequate health care, housing grievance procedure to address sexual and education, and independence. The harassment grievances and the appoint- majority of the people were deprived of all Editors: ment of a Title IX oficer, "whose job solely of these needs during the shah's dynasty. The Catholic Church has always been involves investigating these charges." She They were hoping that the Revolution the target of fanatical attacks: it has surviv- further asserted that the University had would help to achieve these goals but they ed for 2,000 years. "If the world hates you, neither the required grievance procedure were betrayed by the leadership of Kho- know that it has hated Me before you." nor the Title IX officer. This statement is meini. Of course it would be unfair to Qohn, ch. 15, vs. 18) Christians were tor- totally untrue. Since the article did not blame the Iranian people for their initial ched to illuminate the pagan games; specifically state the "federal law" in ques- support of Khomeini since they had always Wavelength wants to strike the match again. tion, I presume that Ms. Bagley refers to been ruled by dynasties who actively sup- Title IX of the Education Amendments of pressed the political/social awareness of the Doris Pienton 1972. Section 106.8 of the Amendments masses. requires institutions receiving federal finan- It wasn't long before the Iranian people cial assistance to designate a responsible realized the true nature of Khomeini's employee and to adopt and publish regime. The new regime not only reversed grievance procedures. However, ther is no the gains of the revolution but also surpass- 1 ed the shah's dictatorial regime in several dissidents — even their own families. He students aborad is another task for Kho- aspects. The demolition of women's and has also reactivated another notorious meini's followers. The Iranian Counsulates minority rights, censorship of all news secret police called SAVAMA. who are ordered to identify anti-Khomeini media and a total ban on all opposition The huge number of daily executions, students would not be able to do so without papers, widespread corruption and fraud, inhumane torturing methods, and the the help of Khomeini's supporters among along with social and economic chaos were thousands of political prisoners have not the students. A document directed to the the achievements of Khomeini's regime. only alienated Khomeini among the Iranian consulate states that the "anti-revolutionary The answers that the people received populace but have isolated his regime in the students" passports should be taken away. for their problems was inconsideration and international community. However, what the document doesn't men- more violence and suppression. On June Amnesty International has asked Kho- tion is': Who will be identifying these "anti- 20th, a rally organized by Mojahedin meini's government for permission to send revolutionary students" on their campuses? gathered 500,000 people in one of a delegation to visit political prisoners. What will happen to these students once Tehran's squares to object the total die- However, Mosavi Tabrizi, a top Khomeini their passports are taken away? The tatorship practiced by the regime. Acting aide, has stated that the condition that students who have only entrance permis- on Khomeini's order, the Revolutionary "Amnesty International first condemn the sion instead of valid passports will be forced Guards opened fire on the peaceful PMOI, the United States, Zionism and to go back to Iran as their only alternative. demonstrators, killing 50 and wounding Communism". These impossible condi- Recently several students who had 300. This cowardly response of killing tions were set to avoid exposure of the disagreed with Khomeini's policies were ar- peaceful and unarmed demonstrators clear- prisons' conditions to Amnesty Interna- rested on their arrival at Tehran Airport ly showed that the government was not go- tional and the world. However, this tactic and were executed shortly afterwards. ing to tolerate any opposition towards has not been able to save Khomeini's Javad Mansoori, who had issued this com- themselves. prestige in the eyes of freedom-loving peo- munique, was one of the initial com- Since then, approximately 4000 people ple around the world. manders of the revolutionary guards. These have been executed or killed under torture The Iranian students abroad who had a guards have been responsible for all of the by the government. According to Amnesty major role in revealing the shah's murders executions and systematic elimination of International Report on October 13, 1981, before, are now active internationally to the opposition. by then "already over 14,00 political show the true nature of Khomeini's govern- The lives of the Iranian students will be % prisoners were held in Iranian prisons and ment. The increasing isolation of Kho- under grave danger unless some preventive the number of executions in Iran during the meini's regime has led the Iranian govern- measures are taken. The international past three months was 600 more than all ment to use any means of silencing the op- measures suggested in Masoud Rajavi's let- executions in the world during the past posing students abroad. On November 3, ter to Kurt Waldheim include: granting the year." The extent of brutality was best ex- in a message to the Moselm Student right to use United Nation passports, pen- pressed in an article by TIME magazine on Association (MSA) in the USA and ding deportation of these students, and October 12, 1981: "While Khomeini's Canada, Khomeini has called on them to granting temporary job status to them. On Islamic Guards are executing enemies of spread favorable propaganda and to the local level, universities should closely the regime in the streets, they are also tor- neutralize the effects of oppositional ac- examine the activities of pro-Khomeini stu- turing suspected opponents behind prison tivities. In addition, Khomeini has praised dent groups on their campuses, and pro- walls, with a ferocity unequaled even by the the MSA as "the future leaders of the coun- vide protection or the other Iranian deposed shah's notorious SAVAK agents. try". The implications of this lie in the fact students. Many of the prisoners who are being tor- that the newly elected prime minister, We also urge all the freedom-loving tured are merely relatives of dissidents several of the cabinet members and other people and organizations to voice their op- sought by the political police." high governmental positions have been position to Khomeini's government and the The people's response to all these given to former MSA members in the potential threats aimed at the Iranian cruelties showed itself through well-spread United States. Most of these rewards are students. armed resistance and negative responses to given to MSA members for their activities, Khomeini's calls for cooperation with the including violence against other Iranian Ami Suppression Iranian Student security guards. To organize the opposi- students all around the United States. Committee at UMB tion, a coalition was formed by People's Gathering information on Iranian Mojahedin Orgnization of Iran (PMOI), Bani Sadr, the ousted President and several other popular organizations and elements. The new democratic front called the "Na- tional Council of Resistance" (NCR) set its Compliments of goals as independence, freedom, and social-economic justice for all people regardless of sex, race, ethnic background Ann Ehrlich MA, M.S. P. or religion. With the bitter memories of the IN PSYCHOLOGY shah's dictatorship fresh in mind and the COUNSELOR dreadful experiences of the past 3 years Jungian Perspective broadening their political consciousness, Cambridge, Massachusetts the people have increasingly joined and supported the opposition. To prevent this support, Khomeini has repeatedly called upon his followers to spy and report on FICTION 4 Short Pieces ... to my teacher and friend Miss Vivian struck by those memories, the same THE LESSON Zamel because of her encouraging work with memories which plant in her flesh the seeds my writing which has been a great learning of unbearable screams. And the suffering is experience in both my artistic and human such that the frozen pupil of her eye which . . . because of this particular development. first caught a glimpse of him lets escape a characteristic of the blood system, one of shameful tiny yellow head which flowers and the best forms of suicide is to cut one's multiplies after all these centuries of anxie- veins. While the man generally refers to give ty, her levitating making hulk of a body, himself a big shot in the temple, the which was the THE CANONIZATION always beached by memory woman, with a more melodramatic sense of of love, of a swarm worms. death, dreams of the picture of her And among the fainting, the devout bleeding in the bath tub before the eyes of a Sister Helena Altagracia Trinidad women's cries, the mortally wounded world which has forced her to take this step. Esplendorosisima de los Angeles del dominations and potencies, and the fall of A sleeping pill, a generous amount of warm Espiritu Santo climbs today to the altars the Cardinal's purple, nobody can unders- water which softens the pain, and death is catapulted by clouds of incense, protected tand where this little laughter is coming sweet, ethereal, almost beautiful . . . Next behind a panoply of wax candles and pater- from, laughter which slides nervously by the day the professor gave his Anatomy lecture nosters, a suit of armor which has been built saint's sulpted gowns, lighting sparks in in a classroom where the empty chairs by the restless erosive action of three hun- their plaster faces. are revived They by a seemed to be smiling, grateful gravestones. dred years and a string of boring wizened light and joyful almost-wind which grows un- miracles repeated so often that the church noticed until it occupies all the corners of has finally decided to save for her a little the basilica and climbs with a gigantic leap DON QUIXOTE AND place in the almanac and incorporate her in- to the carillon which peals out with glory THE ADVENTURE OF to the hopes, not so much because of the delivering the triumph of the joke to the THE ICE MILLS endless procession of blind men who return heavens where Helena, the mad lover, is to see, or men suffering from dropsy cover- greeted by an apocalypse of laughter which ing the free flow of their humors, or shakes even the very heart of the Mystic He succumbed because of a stupid bron- gangrened limbs that have recovered Rose. chitis in some of the last weeks of his first among hysterical hosannas and strewn winter which had been surprisingly benign roses, but because the pope can't stand until a storm dragged the thermometers anymore the persistent drizzle of delicately EPILOG down to record temperatures, and during OR perfumed letters brought to him by a which all the city's activities were paralized." multitude of anonymous lank women who DID SHE REALLY LIVE With the beginning of the thaw, the HAPPILY EVER AFTER? are thankful for the intervention of their lit- neighbors around the abandoned building tle saint in the obtaining of a husband after began to complain because of the odor all other promises had wilted. coming out one of its broken windows. And there, within the happy uproar of She survived the Horror fifty-nine When the fire fighters tore down the door, the vulgar Latin and the sacred canticles years, six months and three days, and she they found him between empty bottles of building up to a paroxysm while she ascends spent up to the last second of this time go- rum and piles of cardboard torn by the cold. to oblivion, her undefiled little body, ing to psychiatrists, shamans, garrulous His face was lighted by a peaceful smile, as flagellated in all imaginable forms in order mesmerists, homeopaths, starving yogies, if he were joking about his thin widely open to exorcize the image of eyes which never convulsive black men becoming horses and coat through which peeked the rabid orange left her, shakes, assaulted by his odor of snakes, and millennial old women who sun of his cotton undershirt where cocoanut leather and wind, and his sharp laughter decipher the most intricate constellations of palms of impossible green almost swayed which nails her in her mortified feet to the tarot cards. All in vain. Finally, as she was with the music of the supreme phrase which haircloth. And her entrails consumed by old becoming lullaby and myth, she went to the formed a frame around his heart: "Puerto anxieties blossom anew and bring back to land where the ice is a rainbow, and there, Rico me encanta". her memories of the shameful desires of the two old brothers, grim in spite of their delicious struggle and the glorious fall of the children's eyes offered her the consolation of days without end, under his hands which literary immortality before she disappeared, delimited her world. Then, in the last stage lost for ever in her eternal search. All in Ramon Figueroa of her passage, just at the moment of open- vain because only death freed Little Red ing the Door of the Golden Legends, the Riding Hood of her attacks of hysterical suf- elaborate armor, created throughout so focation, her fear of darkness and her many centuries of peaceful pain, collapses, claustrophobia. Lout at St. Leonard's In the pew next to the confessional, thought a minute. "No that ain't right, well round it off to twenty two thousand Dave sat, his head bowed. The pew was 'cause that's when my father died, and I swears?" walnut; the walls were walnut; the whole figured I could go to Communion without "Shi-it!" goddam lower level of the church was it, 'cause I knew he'd put in a good word for "How about we make that twenty two walnut. His eyes stared down at the kne el- me. Sorta special dispa-ah, a special con- thousand and one." ing thing. What else could he call it? "Leave sideration. And, when you're fourteen you "Sorry Father." that THING alone," was all he had heard ain't really into sinnin', just thinkin' of 'urn." OK. Now how about acts of when he was younger. Sticking his "So why are you here now?" fornication?' sneakers underneath it, he tried to balance "Oh, it's to make my mother happy." "Acts of what?" it, to reach that point between sneaker and "Well, I suppose." The priest stopped. "Adultrous acts." pew where it could stay suspended on its Dave could hear him shift back. He "Don't ya have to be married for that?" own. It slipped and hit the slate floor. The wondered if he was praying, or maybe he "Sex!" The priest's voice said instantly. sound filled the silence. He looked around. had his lunch with him. Dave looked down "Oh." Dave's foot scraped the wall. He waited for a reaction. The statues stared at his watch; he couldn't even see his hand. "Well." His voice lowered. "Hey Father, ominously past him and nothing moved. The priest leaned into the steel mesh. "Ya come on, you think I'm gonna talk to you He put his foot on the kneeler; the sound know son, being a Catholic and being away about something like that? You, man of the still rang in his ears. His left cheek began to from the Church for so long, not going to Church." quiver. To control his discomfort, he Mass, not going to Confession. And not "OK, OK." Dave heard him say jerked his neck and blinked. Then he receiving the Body and Blood of Christ is something. It must have been a prayer. looked around once again. His eyes stop- grounds for excommunication." He paused. The priest took a deep breath. "So, why ped at the altar. The silent tide came again. Dave didn't don't I let you talk. Tell me what you want. An old man stumbled out of the confes- know exactly, but he thought excom- Who am I to judge? Just let's get it over sional box, half standing, half arched, and munication meant you could go to hell. with. Please." turned toward the back door. When he "But." The priest's voice started as if no "Right Father. See I stole some money passed Dave, he glared. Dave attempted to pause had even been made. Then, as if he from my mother and she went on about mutter "Sorry," but that too shattered the hadn't spoken, he paused, he stayed silent. how I disgraced her, and how God would silence. "Is ya mother a good woman, a good punish her for havin' such a bad son. So I The old man stopped, turned to the Catholic?' figured this would make her happy." altar and made several attempts to "Ya, Father, she is." Uncomfortable in "Are you sorry you stole, or sorry that genuflect; each time his back cracked; his position, he shifted to the other knee. you got caught?" finally he threw up his left arm and turned "Well son, I tell ya what. Your mother 'Hey Father. When I steal, I don't get back to the door. "Punk," he mumbled, as would like ya to be a good Catholic. Right?" caught." he passed Dave. "Yes Father." Dave wished he could see "What the Hell! Did Father Burke put you Dave was surprised; the word didn't his watch. up to this?" echo. Maybe it took practice. "Pa-Pah" It "Well then, I'll hear your confession and "Who's Father Burke? Hey, you wanna sounded as if he was spitting. "Pah-unk." give you absolution, if you promise to try to hear my confession or not?" Again the sound diffused to all corners. make Church more often. Is that a deal?" "You're serious. This is no joke?" The Quietly Dave got up to go into the confes- "Ya sure Father." priest sat back. "Burke said he'd stop me sional. "Now, we're gonna do this by the book. from watching the game at 4 o'clock, just It was dark. He knelt, his ankles So about how long has it been?" He sat because he wants to see something on wedged into the wall. He clasped his hands back as Dave started to work it out. "Come educational TV." and placed them on the shelf in front of on, I don't have all day." "No. No, it's no joke. You think stealin' him. He heard something slide. Then "It's hard to remember." from your mother's comical?" silence. "You there, Father?" "Three years, four, five?" "I'm sorry son. Go on." "Yes, son." Then silence. The priest "About three, I guess.' "That's all right. Father, just one thing. cleared his throat. "Well, son." "O.K., We're off. Do ya swear?" Isn't Hell a swear?" "I forgot what to say, Father." "Ya. I mean yes, sometimes." "Ah, well technically." "Forgive me Father." "How many times?" "Just put it on my tab." "Oh, ya-ya. Forgive me Father for I Dave turned his face but kept his voice "Jesus, Mary and Joseph." Pulling have sinned. It has been three weeks since front. "You think I kept count for three himself closer, he said, "And that's a prayer my last confession." He stopped. Like years?" for both our salvations." He stayed at the water, silence filled the box again. "Ya. Well, how many times a day?" He screen so their voices wouldn't carry. "Now "Whats wrong, son?" waited for Dave to answer. "You out there?" go on." "Well." His finger reached to touch the "Ya Father, I'm thinking." "Well, like I said, I stole twenty bucks priest's voice; he felt some steel mesh. "Does twenty times a day sound right?" from my mother." "That's what I used to say, but it's been alot "Ya that sounds good." "How'd she find out?" longer than that." "So, three hundred and sixty five days "Well, I stole it to play a horse, a sure "About how long?" times three is-ah..," He mumbled, it thing; and it came; $18.40 it paid." "Ah, I guess about two years." He sounded like he was praying. "Say about, ah "Nice price for a sure thing." "Ya, and all on the nose. So after tipping "I'm thinkin'. Wait a minute." The say five Hail Mary's." The sliding window slammed. my bookie, I had half a C note. I put ten Father took a deep breath. "You planned to bucks on the number. And would ya give the money back anyway." Dave got to his feet, pushed the drapes aside, and stretched outward. He pulled on believe it, I hit it. . "Sure." his shirtcuffs to altar. "What's your bookie pay?" "So it wasn't really stealing to the full ex- and turned the It his toes, "720 straight on the dollar." tent." He got closer. "Ya just borrowed it hadn't changed. On he "Is that how ya had it?" like." started down. The Father said they were do- it that called for "Sure enough, Father. Ten big times." "Right, Father, I tried to tell her that. ing by the book and Leaning on the wall, Dave got comfortable. But she wouldn't listen." prayers at the altar. As he started to kneel at the railing it "Last night I headed home with over seven- "OK." the priest said. "So that's just a ty two hundred dollars." venial sin." He sounded like a lawyer. "But dawned on him that he didn't remember his "And you gave your mother back her there's the gambling." prayers. A small kid knelt by the side twenty." The priest tapped on the steel "What?" Hey, that's when ya lose, altar. Dave moved closer and knelt beside mesh. Father. I didn't lose." him. The boy made the sign of the cross; "Ya, ya but what if you did?" so did Dave. Then the boy began "No Father, I gave her twenty percent." "You gave her $1 ,440.00. Why d she get "It was a sure thing. I mean, otherwise I again; — Dave began to mumble with him. upset?' wouldn't have taken the money." "Our Father who art in Heaven, Harold by took it." Father's voice "Ya know, Father, I think you're in the "You The was my name." wrong business. You're good with soft, strong, reassuring. "I'm not saying you When the boy finished, Dave spoke, numbers." were bad, and you did try to make amends; "Hey kid, what's your name?" The priest cleared his throat. There but be careful. Ya know, it can get to be a He looked up at Dave. "Harold." was a pause, "Then what happened son?" habit." "Hey that's pretty good, Harold be thy "Well at first she thought I knocked "Ya Father, I know what ya^jnean.' name. Hey Harold, do ya know the Hail over a bank. Then, when I told her where "So are you sorry for those and all sins Mary?" it came from, she wouldn't touch it. And against the Holy Father?" "Nah, the Sister hasn't gotten to that when I told her she had a right to it, it was "Sure I'm sorry, but." Dave scratched one yet." her cut, she started hollerin'." his head. "Now that's a bad habit." "Hmmm." the priest scratched his five "But what?" "Hah?" o'clock shadow on the steel mesh. "Was my playing winners a sin?" "Never mind. I'm just supposed to say "Well, Father. Did I do good or did I do A bang came through the darkness as if five of 'urn for penance." bad?" Dave started tapping the wall. "Well, the priest had slammed his head on the "Oh, it don't matter whatcha say, long Father?" wall. His voice cracked. "For your penance as ya mean it." "Oh ya." "Who told ya that?" hands raised he looked up. He thought a "Sure thing." "One of the priests." The boy climbed minute, then said, "Hail Mary, full of taste "How about if ya ask Mary?" to his feet. "Cause I'm always messin' 'um You gotta forgive such a lovable face. So That's a sure thing too. That's God's up." give me forgiveness and give me grace, and mother." "Ya." please get my horse home in the eighth. "Ya?" "Ya, but I betcha I'll learn 'um soon." And well, if he can't win please let him "Ya." Harold turned to leave. "See ya." "Why bother?" place." Getting up he brushed his knees off "Hey, ya, good luck kid." "Well." Harold thought a minute. and started out. At the door he looked "Dave turned to the side altar. It was "Cause, well, they say God can do anything back. "Ah, it feels good to have faith." not as threatening as the main one. He felt and my mother says if ya want something AMEN better for coming, he wanted to do what's ya gotta ask right. So I figure if I say my right, he had to say something. With folded prayers right HI get what I want." William P. Cahill Coming Soon to a Theater Near You A tragedy about a man in the present make just one." "He'll go for it," Klien said. who has the potential to have everything "Ya but Les, it's gotta be a spectacle. Moore looked at him cold. anybody else could ever possibly want in Think of the glitter, the glamour, think of "I can't see it Klien, but . . . Buck, ya the world. all those wild eyes going to see a glimpse of Les. Aha, he's here with me right nOw, "No, you can't have that." the perfection they will never be. Besides, that's right." Moore's face slowly relaxed "Okay, how about a movie about a everyone wants to see how a movie is and looked into the telephone. "Should we movie about a book about a movie?" made, you know why." He fed him. talk about this anymore?" Moore asked. Klien sat there in the elegant office that "Ya, ya, because everybody wants to be "OK, all right Buck, right, bye." overlooked an immense green valley. His in show biz." Moore said as he leafed Moore looked at Klien and asked, eyes sparkled. He still had that country boy through the script again. "When do you want to start production?" look even after being involved in this town "We've got to give them what they want "Right away," said Klien. for more than ten years. He was sitting in a Les. We can't lose touch with the people, The universe was his and Wella was his plush leather chair and feeling very comfor- with what they want." star. table. Comfortable because he had Ex- "Okay, a movie about a movie about a Wella, superfluous to beauty, always ecutive Vice President in Charge of Pro- book. You don't have to repeat the first suspect. Seen from eyes, idolized, yearning duction Les Moore exactly where he one." texture in one dimension. Obverse orbs of wanted him. Klien had made concessions Klien looked at him cold. "Maybe 111 lust, simple transfers, clear pictures. enough all along so that he knew Moore have to go to another studio then." Wella in bed, hanging on like taunt was easy so far. He had Moore, he knew. Klien had dancer to brass ring. Gold around the neck lustrous in "Look Klien, I understand the concept lunch with Bob Saul, Executive Vice Presi- in pendants and chains sump- of art as well as anyone, but we have to dent of Everything at Monument, two days tuous taste, twisting while grasping to im- make a movie that will sell." before, and Klien had made it well known placable subjugation. Moore was in his fifties, black hair fleck- that they were talking business. He was "Taste the honey." ed with grey, sitting there looking Klien in lucky and hot. "The Lascivious Leye" had "Hold the honey till it oozes." the eyes with a look somewhere between made a name for Klien and as one critic put He moved back into. ". sincerity and complacency. The studio was it, . . showed the dimension of vision that "Dive and twist me till all and all doing very well and Moore had been doing made a symphony of sex," and Klien in- become rich honey." this job too long. tended to ride it out to it's unnatural conclu- He moved over the tender bristles, con- And Klien said, "Okay Les, how about a sion. Anyone would, thought Klien, that scious not of himself but of a subliminal movie based on a book about a movie about understood the benefits of the system. This hypnotic gorge, floating over time and a movie? Look Les, the audience will get was his chance. reason and even the animal urge, bulging off on it. A good story about a story about a And Klien said, "Look Les, this is going toward a promise. Mind at times flickering, story about a story with a lot of beautiful to be the sleeper of the season, it'll make but at words: stallion, gold, magnanimity, people in it and a lot of beautiful scenery." four times more than it costs. We have to mere simple subjects there, whelmed into this "Ya, ya, it'll cost a lot of money too," trust each other Les, believe me once obscure light. Moore blew his nose, "Shit, you're going to and you'll never regret it." Happiness be a warm gun. have to have three sets in order to shoot Moore looked at Klien and talked into Sheldon. some of these shots. Besides, this seems the telephone. She lay there in the soft bright light pretty confusing Klien, we could make "Get me Mr. Merchant." He held the beneath me, her body still now and my I didn't want three movies out of what it will cost you to line. pole hard and ready to plunge. 10 to stop, she wasn't any ordinary chickie — I bowed like a cowboy who has been riding "Damn," they all said. knew that from the first time I saw her, not in the saddle too long. His cheeks twitch "You wanted to wake them out of their the paper mache of most I had met and and his eyes tear. Underneath his leather seats, didn't you?" Sheldon asked, "now had. Because I say what the fuck, I hung jacket his body begins to sweat, the body here's your chance." above her still, still, looking down at her contradicting, in turn causing chills, causing Klien said, "But there's a problem." brown skin that made me want to come tingles and needles of pricking jabs in his "What?" closer so she would never forget me; that's testicles. "This isn't real." what I liked about chickies who He is sterile. The old foundation was moist and cold wanted — making it so they would never A mist floats aroundhim as he waddles covered with moss smelling of musty forget me, leaving my mark in them all and down the sidewalk. He appears throught he natural decay. A lone cricket braved the hearing them say in their soft whimpers eye of the camera as an apparition, a blur. late spring, lost outside in the damp night while they, and before I came, "Oh He moves closer and his features become air. "Get," said Henry, "Here," he said Sheldon." more apparent. His body seems sleek. His again. There was a hole the size of a child's And that's the first movie that Klien legs, as he moves, bulge the muscles in his fist in between the stones where the crack- originally makes, it's about sex and thighs of potential power. The smooth skin ing cement had been. Sheldon scuttled violence, it's a love story, and about living on his face is perfect and hued, highlighted over to it, scratching commando like. Their in America. by hair blacker than no light that glimmers, faces and hands smudged black, they Power comes out of the barrel of a gun. causing a glow. His jet black pupils make blended visually in the darkness like He pounded prolific and supremely the irises of his eyes, that are inset and whispers. Sheldon's hands unlaced the sat- beastial directly behind her. The power, shadowed, seem an unfathomable bronze, chel with a delicacy and care Henry had the power. Appearing as someone being seem eyes of absorption, mysterious and never seen of him before. The explosive gradually tortured. The face contorted in warm. The women love him. was pliable like putty and Sheldon kneaded intense uncertainty until the moment Cut. it into the crack with a sensuousness that before and there is no way to stop. He is She tells him she is pregnant and he in- made Henry look at his eyes — appearing lost and clenched her buttocks holding on stantly thinks of a thousand reasons why he like congealed moisture as if this were the in profound power. He spasms and the can have no children, not only because he point where animal became man. screen shook. can't be a parent, but more and most im- "The wire," said Sheldon, and Henry Wella writhed in discomforture, her portantly because he can't bring a child into groped in the dullness and found the bag. face in the bed and bunging the pillows. this world. He feels fucked, betrayed, it's "Just one match to light a second," The violation submission to uncaring, but all too messed up. All he did was spit and Sheldon said, and there was a fire flash. who would, the inverse answer rejects the she has control. He does something about Cut. past. "I loved once," she says as she cries. it. "Get out while you have the chance." Credits slither across the figures on the He says, "No, then you're on your "What? Who is this?" screen, The Lascivious Leye," she reaches own." "Your building is pregnant and ready to for his hand as he makes the final pro- He is sterile. blow." digious thrust and she turns on him quickly He is scared still. She leaves, walks "Hello!" like a feline gouge at his face, her nails ripp- away, but is not alone. Click. ing away furrows of flesh. He enamels himself from enamour, And the entire movie has to do with the "You'd love to sire a bitch, wouldn't severing himself from progenity. potential understanding of power. you!" she screams kneeling and facing him. But he said that he loved her more than Klien. But he punches her quick in the chest. anything else, he's a son of a gun. It's quintessentially like Monopoly real- Her body thumps falling backward in a And the third movie is a story of the ex- ly, it all has to do with moving around and heave. She lay there stunned straight out. plosive lust of raw power. being penalized, going round and round No. "I can't do anymore," Wella said. and back an forth, and using money, and But what I said came out like I had to "I won't," said Henry. building, and then of course, ultimately, it, say because he was power but I could "What! Are you both running now, dealing with the other players. So I knew I take his power in a way he didn't expect but mother fuckers, we need you. I thought had to add something to it to make it I'd be damned if he'd enjoy it and then you gave me a commitment, or doesn't that work — to make it so Moore and all the rest shoot, no. I mean ya I was pissed then that mean anything?" of them would like it — I had to nobody did nothing because it all happened "You didn't say it was going to be like manipulate — because it is essentially a so fast and then he flipped me and was in this." movie about a man who wants to be opaque me but damn if I'd let him like it without "No more sex." and is involved in all of this, but there is on- cost, damn if he'd get off too. "I didn't' know this was going to happen ly one place to run to for that, one place to But that was before. either. They didn't send a letter apologizing hide, and the character wouldn't do it even Now, the other movie is about an for cutting off the money, no sorries, they though Henry might. Therefore, I must be awesome future rock star. The title is "Pure just did it." Klien told them. careful, because he is as severe as a wound- ." Breed." Henry said, "The parties . . ed animal and a cuckold — a centaur of He loves her more than anything else. "I've got an idea," said Sheldon, "why spiritual cerebral hemorrhage. It's a cold night, dark and damp. He's don't we just finish this ourselves?" It's the size of the thing I tell him, I said just walking out of a brightly lit office Klien looked at him, they didn't trust that from the beginning. Consequently, I building, his figure is all the camera can see. one another. don't see it as a moral problem of any He's vague, then focus. "I suppose you want to set the studio on magnitude at all, because if you're endowed He pushes the door into the night. A fire, or sacrifice someone." you're endowed, you got it you got it. It's a blast of cold air stings his groin. His legs are "No," Sheldon said, he looked at them. strictly absolute question of pragmatism for 11 deciding what to do with it, with what God eternal — suffer scum suckers who became Because if that is true, if I am fortunate gave you, if you will. It's also a question, modern man, castration is too good for you. enough to have this film engage you so that and this is the toughest part, of dealing with On course my aim is true. I see below you leave this theatre feeling a little differn- one's own feelings — admitting that he likes me plants rooted to the earth. Women car- tly than before, then that means that I will it and it isn't any precious sacrament. ing for tender tiny human beings. Soft con- have made you wonder. And that is one There's nothing wrong with feeling good, sciousnesses staring at a light bulb. step beyond all else that is entertaining, especially if it's going to make another feel On course my aim is true. that is a step beyond the movie, it begins to good, and then make many other people I am omnipotent. be the movie about the movie. it feel good too, even though may seem I cannot turn back. And if you do leave this theatre and are weird to some. I don't land safely moved and slightly alterd in form and The movie is about the future. Disarm me please, before I hurt so- wondering about the movie about the Klien flicked the knife at his throat. meone. movie, then I ask you not to forget who did "I want more Les." And Klien makes the movie. it, who put it all together. Because even I can't "Klien what are you crazy, do I found a long time ago by living in this though you may feel for these characters, that without Mr. Merchant's approval." world that the best way to captivate an au- may fall in love with the consummation of "Fuck Buck, I have to finish this thing." dience is to entertain. A good movie should their personalities, remember, I made the ." "Klien be reasonable I . . be easy to follow and take the viewer film, I am the one who sufferd, the one who "Les feel this." through, or at least suggest to the viewer's truly believed the world was crazsy, who The movie is Klien. mind, a good story. Music should resonate truly believed in world perceptions — of vi- artist I am a shrieking missile with a loaded through the mind and being, the must sion as a gift. I mean, what you see on the nuclear warhead. A propulsion force guided seduce the listener through the ears, the screen is only where it appears to be; but to a civilian target. I will wipe out their orifice of hearing. And the filmmaker, you see it actively, individually, while I am thinkers. My aim is true. I will destroy which I, devoted, am, must assimilate behind the scenes, here, everywhere. thought by obliterating bodies. My course these arts with the visual, through a limited is irrevocable, there is no defense. I am a view of the real world. "REVERSAL STOCK" manmade creation of technical expertise. And so every movie should be visual, arousing, Great men thinkers used by great men harmonized, exciting, unusual, Don't miss it. It could be the movie leaders. Men don't care. The pent secret in unexpectd, and most of all it must make event that sums up the eighties before they my mind will explode into forty megatons you, the audience, feel. I am concerned happen. of hell fire burning, burning children whole. that when you see this movie you are enter- I will screach in their brains and erase them tained, that you can sit through it and not will from the earth immediately. Children squirm. I hope there is something you can Daniel Small will will singe die, women fry. Men live, grab onto. I also hope, like a good song alone, I hope, and puke their entrails for resonating in your head after you hear it, years of hell on earth; an eternal fussilade of that when you leave this theatre the movie pregnant pain retching all senses. Great will have had a strange effect on you, as if men leaders fusion of loss pain in memory you had been taken somewhere else. COSMOS CAFE A student run collectuve; serving alternatives to cafeteria fare. SERVING DAILY 11 to 3 After The Fall Juices Spring Water Cider Raw Milk Herb Teas Sandwiches Soup(s) de Jour Salad Lemon-Fig-Apple Squares Homemade Cookies Spinach Pies Feta Cheese pies ...And Much Much More!! LOCATED ADJACENT TO CAFETERIA COLL. I, 3rd FLOOR 12 WORK STUDY JOBS AVAILABLE AT THE MASS MEDIA EARN your work-study award in an exciting student-run environment / LEARN career skills valuable on the media/communications job market. Many former staffers have put their experience to work in the field. TURN your campus experience into one of involvement. Be the first to know what's going on. Get to know many interesting people with similiar interests. At The Mass Media, UMB's student newspaper. Science building (080/4/003) extension 2406 . ESSAY Impossible Love An essay of broken reflections I walk alone down the stairs into the fat but heavy and thin, her skin is warm and Everything is really screwed up." She doesn't smokey, warm interior of the Cafe Algiers. I flop rich, seems only to sag slightly over her collar- look me in the eye, and my heart leaps at the down into a wood bench, which jolts me, wakes bone, dips there and begins in small deep pools words. Me? — me to the hum of voices. The tables are filling, her breasts. She sways when she walks I smily sadly, nod. Fm good at smiling sad- the sun dimming into the sweet morass of even- women sway — I have watched her walk away ly. What else do I have? I can't intrude on this, ing. The waitress brings cappuccino, and she is from me often enough, only slowly, languidly, but I will intrude, want to insinuate myself. lovely. Streams from my eyes, from my stomach full sea swells at each step, dragging only slight- What else do I have? I smile. It hurts, but "tell fly out after her swaying hips, but fall in useless ly, pulling and curving the space in waves me, it'll make it easier." spewed out tatters on the floor. I turn hard eyes around her hips. Well, but she isn't fat, only Nancy bows her head. "I don't know how it into the cappuccino, eyes now as black as the women are like that — their lips part slightly, happened. John is good to me, and we've been coffee. The murmur lulls ... sag. Their foreheads, Nancy's forehead is firm, together for so long. But Charles is so I am in love with Nancy. Oh, I could say but full and rounded, dark no matter how white nice — but," she looks up, sad eyes, "He's mar- it's infatuation, projection, delusion - but it's her skin may be . . ried too." love. I could try to differentiate it. "It resists What can I do? I nod. It hurts. Every secret that, lulls me instead. Perhaps I don't want to 'Nancy, how are you doing?" (She confides word, every wound is a deep red target for Eros' look at it, pehaps I am already staring into it her heart to me, asleep to my longing, and stret- arrows. How can I not love, hearing all this? I nod. on." too closely . . . Nancy isn't in love with me, of ches instead to someone else.) I look away quick- "Go "I it course. She's married, and I suppose in love ly, afraid of my eyes giving me away. So I look don't know how happened-" with her husband. It does happen. But I'm in all around her office, out the window, at the love with her, and I make a fool of myself, things on her desk. *I love you." What? My head shakes, I put dragged and tortured through my feelings, "Oh," she sighs, "alright." But then droops. the warm cup down, look sideways. At the next caught by my burning Eros for long months. I thrust myself into her life. It's wonderful and table are two lovers. They're so lovely it hurts. But her eyes, warm and liquid. But her painful, but hurts. But her beauty - who He spoke first, but she answers him, leaning for- hair, too much hair, long and smokey, saying would stop? And how can I? We are in the same ward and covering his hands with her warm caress me, caress you. But her skin, woman's office together, every day. ones. "I love you/ skin-heavy, warm and full to bursting. No, not "I've fallen in love with someone. Their eyes sparkle, the room is getting 14 ". . start to pant. "Why?" asks. If you need help, but don't know how to he Karen shifts back, away from her lover. This guy I met asked me out." She shrugs. find it, call PLACE HOTLINE at 267-9150 Oh no, not indifference, lightness now. That is worse. "You're going to sleep with him." The animal is bristling, scared. And no words from Karen. No, that is worse again- half-hearted assurance would be better. Anything. But Bill is place falling into the pit. No words. But he starts Jt- 32 RUTLAND STREET again, "Who is this guy?" BOSTON MA 02118 "Oh, you wouldn't know him, he's — older, a Place offers immediate crisis interven- professor Oh no. Much worse. Impossibly worse. I was tion, referral service and counseling. young, am young, too, felt there was no way to It's free, it's confidential, and it's compete with older men. They haunt for the' first step to take when you don't lifetimes. In stories lovers tell of their first af- know what to do next. fairs with older men (always), in affairs with richer, wittier more talented, more successful, more sensitive mea Impossible to meet head on. Walk-In 9am to 10pm. Only to be lived with, these impossibilities everywhere one looks, a plague. Jack in love 2k hour HOTLINE, 7 days a week. with Tim, but Tim sraight. And so Jack suffers. My father waiting, after three marriages, smokier. But there is an edge on their voices, in- "Is that bad?" With puppy eyes. But there is waiting until his lover from Russia can get a sistent, dark with hidden desperation. I'm the hint of something wilder behind. visa and come to him. They say it takes years. Lisa, after afraid all of a sudden. The smoke should do it, "No, but. . .Well, you seem always so months of tension, bursting out in hot should take away their voices, but they slide, much more certain than I feel. What if — what tears in my office that she is in love with her " pulsating, into my ears, coming and going at if I don't feel exactly the same - brother. And the horror, the pain in tears and will. More capuccino. The sweet chocolate on More insistence. "But you have "to, you feel it tears. My other patients, in love with me, their pain, their top the best part. It goes with the bitter. The when we make love, don't you?" Bill leans even brokenness so apparent. Me a stu- falling . . waitress' hips sway as she moves away- more forward, across the little table. But I don't dent, in love with my teachers Aunt Sal, have "Karen, I love you so much." The couple want to hear this, really. I have enough you done anything about again. He moves toward her, glassy eyes, but already. Where is Nancy? you and Uncle Max lately? Or are you too old to sparkling, pinnacled towards her, deeply. "No, "George, tell me what's upsetting." Nancy change? Maybe you still don't see how afraid it's more. I have never felt anything like this leans toward me. I bow my head now. Max is of you, how afraid to come home, afraid before, and when we make love—" "I can't," I start, "it would be too much." of your moods, your great deep depressions that Oh no. Not that. Hell, my voice is starting to crack. only deepen with each look into Max's fearful "— it's amazing, incredible, like I never "But that's not fair." Nancy's right, it keeps eyes. And so you wait to pounce on that fear, knew it could be." things off balance between us. I search miles in- when he walks in. And the more depressed you But her eyes shift a little, scared by the in- to her smile for something for me, a reflection. are, the more elated Max, afraid himself of tensity, tense. "We feel like one, Fm lost inside of But nothing, no reflection, only dull sleep in her becoming like you, depressed and caught. So he you, floating in you." He goes on, leaning more eyes. Or worse, a broken reflection, myself flees, stays boyish, soars on optimistic wings, till into her. Their cups are side by side, no way to smashed into a thousand pieces. She has no it is ridiculous. And you grow old, gounded. tdl whose is whose. He grins, wipes a bit of cof- words for me, but I have words for her, sly This is killing you, making you old, too old, too fee from her lip, kisses it a sinking pillow kiss. ones, tricks to see if she sees through me. I try many pills, doctors, aches so hurtful yet Possible? I'm scared, if he's not. I turn to watch this: "Well, Nancy, you know what Rilke said: undefined, from your shoulders or back or legs, the waitress. "When the secrets of the heart are confided, how you are never sure. And Max- that coward? "Only-" he starts again. soon there's deception.' " Of course I leave out How in awe of his great mind you were, but you "Don't"talk, Bill," she smiles. But Bill goes the word 'lovers'. That would have made it far never dared to learn his world, only kept to your fleshy one. on. 'Karen, it makes me sort of scared too, like I too obvious. But how long can someone live with Then each locked the other out, held can't possibly get close enough to you, I want to this tension? Will she see through my words? something over the other, and so made depen- swallow you, have you all to myself. I'm always Impossible! dent on your sickness, you are sickly dependent. "— reaching ..." Bill, I don't want you to get upset, but Fm It is impossible for me to visit for more than a (Do I respect distances too much, a tired going out with someone tomorrow." They are day. The tension is too great, and your icy voyeur with Nancy, sagging wrinkles from star- back, piercing me, through. I don't want them, distance makes you two sterile, impotent. It is ing too hard through her windows? I do stare, but there is nothing else to hold me, the waitress impossible to change? Yours is a tragedy of no- do respect. Musn't we?) has disappeared. My cup is empty. I shouldn't reflection, leaden and unmoving, it is stuck in "Bill." (Karen's voice is liquid, thick with look at the poor couple, but I do. There, in Bill's blackness . . "- her women's blood. I tier her flowing tongue, feel eyes — that look I have seen so often, worn you're going to sleep with him, I know." it retracting, away from her lover.) She leans myself often enough - the animal flaring, Bill goes on, and now the animal, once crouch- back. "I love you too, you know that. But it's scared. ed, flees in panic. scarey sometimes, you're so insistent." (See? It "What?" Bill asks. I can already hear his "I'll do what I want." Karen defies. The starts already.) hard breathing start, the constricting one. I huntress casts long spears after her lover. 15 .. . . . "You would do that to me? I can't believe it. forced to keep it to myself. How could I begin to love with me, and I don't know it, may never What kind of a person are you?" Trampling speak my heart? If only she had said she didn't know. An endless chain of people in love wih the everything in its flight. His tiger voice warms, want to hear, had nodded her head and said wrong person, Eros shooting arrows at hot blood in his mouth, oozing from the corners. she understood why I could not speak. If only I unawakened and unaware psyches, psyches liv- (But does she know what she does? What a could see Eros' agitation in her, a flame burn- ing in pain, waiting for Eros to be transformed. chance this is for great and lasting good, a ing, however small, but burning her for a What is this great suffering, this hard shatter- chance to move them both, to break them open, change, burning a reflection, Then how the ing of one's world? What is it for? There is to change. But the terrible, terrible risk. words could flow out! But the familiar darkness nothing to do, psyche is depressed, Eros restless. Already she hunts.) And her voice cold, Til do closes over me again, the long night of Psyche, But it is not only these loves. All love has what I like. Besides, I thought you were just say- alone weaving, working, working the thousand something impossible in it, even the most fulfill- ing how well you knew me." Ah, traps set for possible warps and patterns of a connection to ed love. There is a loss always there, an im- the fleeing animal. But he runs recklessly, Nancy, my Psyche black in her separateness. possiblity of two ever coming together. Rilke tasting the blood of his own death. Nothing, only endless circles. Impossible, im- said it: "Because I never held you, I hold you "You just don't care." The animal whines. possible to touch her directly . . forever." That 'never' stays, is lived with "— "I'm a different person from you." The hun- But Karen, isn't it an intrusion? Aren't always, is never overcome. It is love's initiation tress is cold. we enough, together?" More pleading. rite, the problematic senseless hurting that offers T'm trying to love you." Through gritted 'I have to do it Bill But don't worry, it'll be the chance. To what? To stare into my cup, see teeth. fine." myself darkly reflected there, transformed. To "All I can feel for you when you are like this Oh, this girlishness, this playing in flowered bear this thing, and perhaps in that to get new is real dislike." She hardens more. fields. What did James Hillman say? Wait, let bearings, new ways of loving this strange beau- . "... is soul The animal gathers himself for a spring, me look . . here, yes, on page 97. even ty, the soul. For pain a experience. But cornered, "And all I can feel for you is hate." where two exist only or each other, a third will let me find it . . .yes, page 101: "By being Jim, my dear brother, are you married now be imagined ..." And here, later, The touched, moved and opened by the experiences or divorced? The woman you live with is not for triangles of Eros educate the Psyche out of its of the soul, one discovers that what goes on in you, but you can't leave. Neither together nor girlishness, showing it the extent of its the soul is not only interesting and meaningful, alone, and caught in each other's many webs, fantasies." Yes, how real the symbol, a third necessary and acceptable, but that it is attrac- strong and subtle, loud and harsh. How many person coming as an actual person, torturing the tive, loveable and beautiful." So our bearing of times have I cringed in the next room, hearing two into a change, breaking them open. But is a this senselessness can have value, beauty even. you two shout, shout that you hate each other, change possible? How many friends do I have Did I say I was psyche waiting for Nancy's only to fall into wild, deep sea-swells of love- involved in triangles, how many messes of souls Eros? I'm Eros too, reaching toward her. Look, making, deep enough to rock away the word offered for change that never comes, or doesn't I strain with arrowed eyes, pointed ears, so see 'hate, replace it with another just as filled with work? through this damned smoke, to see her face, hear "— tension, 'love'. Like the waitress' hips, rocking. well, and I suppose I talk a lot about you her voice, the tones, all the ones I love, all her But don't you see? Your house is broken to bits, to him, how much I like you ..." Nancy smiles. habits, moods, everything. Wanting her to windows smashed, holes broken in walls. How But no, not that Nancy. Could I be imagined as awaken, to awaken her. Damn Karen and Bill, much can you take, mistaking passion for love, a third for you? No, no . . damn Nancy and her friend. My solitude is your two souls wailing like the tortured things "Alright, if that's the way you want it." Bill broken, everything is smashed. Look at that, they are. Wings plucked off butterflies . . stands up suddenly, making the cups clink, his there are still bits of broken cup lying on the "Look, why not break the date? We'll go voice rising. But I don't want to hear this. But floor! somewhere, anywhere. .." Bill, see through her words. See Psyche asking to But wait! It is impossible, isn't it, that "I'm going, Bill. 1 told him I would." be transformed, vision the possibilities . . . But Nancy could love me? But what if she does? My "But something will break. It won't be the no, without possibilities, it is impossible. Ah, god. Could it be psyche, working her labors same between us, never again. Do you really but no. alone, not noticing the world outside, that want that?" "Bill, sit down." Karen's voice, colder now, makes me blind? Am I too caught in my own Of course not the same, she knows that. But set. reflection, so that my reflection in Nancy's eyes it love, it's no use trying to stand in the way of it. And Too late, the animal writhes in the snare, is broken before can happen? This is yet it is true Bill, flight looks just as ridiculous, twisted, blooded. "Why should I?" Bill's voice grown too large in my womb, unable to be is just as senseless. But the hot sparkle burns in rises again. Then suddenly calm, fear and born. I am saturated, waterlogged in my own his eyes, like tears. It has burned all of us, we anger pressed struggling into a volcano. His fetid blood. But it stops there, the reflection, have been scorched in our own searing flames of hands shake, and quietly, "You can both go to unable to go on. Yet more impossibles . . Eros. Burning to start a love, burning to stop hell." Then a quick swipe of his hand sends the There is a crashing in the kitchen, behind it, burning to undersand, burning in hurt, Eros cups smashing to the floor, breaking something. me, like a thousand plates breaking. The people without Psyche, flame without water, piercing The dishes, their solitude. Everyone stops, stop, turn. Of course I stare the other way, at movement without reflection. But Psyche looks. Bill rushes out. The waitress appears, Nancy. She and her friend are kissing. But our without Eros is as painful, as impossible. I kneels a long graceful dip, picks up the broken eyes meet, just for a second, half way through. know, I have been that for a long time . . cups, smiles a knowing hurt smile at Karen. "George, how are you?" Nancy's eyes are And Karen, hot now and thriving close to the sincere, it's true. dragon, blushes. by Tom Kaplan-Maxfield "It's too much to begin. If I started, I A last cup. Again the long graceful swells as wouldn't stop. You don't want that." I say the waitress leaves. Then across the room, a what I must, but even that hurts. Will she see more particular swell, a glint of particular The book that George is reading is The Myth of through that? But then - hair. Nancy comes in, sits down with a man. Analysis" by James Hillman, archetypal 'No, I do want to hear", really." She looks in They kiss. He is not her husband. psychologist. It was published in 1976 by my eyes, and I look, wanting to go ahead, but Somewhere I imagine is someone who is in Harper and Row. 16 Located on the third floor of building 010 The Pub Club Open Monday thrugh Friday 12 noon to 7 At 4 o'clock on Thuursdays You must be 20 to visit the pub BEER AND WINE SNACKS FULL-LENGTH FEATURE FILMS . POETRY Tell Me tell me you won 't think twice when the midnight call comes, says the bullet lodged in the jaw left us the face and the hole in the cheek and the warm, wet rags to keep the blood inside STRAYCAT-The girl I Wanted to Be tell me the evidence isn't here already StrayCat walks in at piles of it, mounting quarter of two. that it isn't "Where did you go, baby, premeditated what did you do?" that we weren 't the curtains ask. warned StrayCat just laughs. what these choices would lead to "She's probably been to a bar' as if we had any choice at all the radiator hisses. tell me our loving "I bet she didn't leave alone" makes us targets the floorboards groan that after a thousand times, maybe StrayCat peels off her stockings, we'll get used to it balls them up on the counter with no more disturbance than the rancid taste with the dirty dishes. of bad coffee in an unwashed aluminum cup She spreads out on the bed tell me to leave now and drinks a beer. by the fire escape, quickly You can hear her purring avoiding it like the plague a mile away. that it is that it is Julia Robbins to be expected, after all go ahead tell me to sleep at night — Cindy Schuster Cobwebs It's my grandmother's hair 1 see wrapping the beams and the seams of our ceiling; Dangling in whispers Looping grey in the harsh white light of a winter day, The unwoven threads there hanging down Like the frayed worn edge of the satin gown She was buried in; Long like herfingers turning thin and reachingfor me. —Gail Linnea Driscoll Bob Priest 18 / can only tell you to beware of shadows, although it breaks my peace, watching you step over that invisible threshold between childhood and the world... KNOWING ABOUT TEETH where your eyes must creep around corners, ahead ofyour steps, They cut in front stealthy, listening always your ears becoming for & mash in the back. dangerous and lonely sounds which i cannot bear,for you to hear, Like a foundation is Inevitable although nothing more they shake with age. Please. . .laugh a lot, for you will find it to be a Magic Potion They sing with blood, after you have cried. prey brought down in snow. and stand mighty and shout back when you must, your Truth They collect stains Feel the currents, & later, earth. don't be afraid to Be, Ferns may grow around my Love, little Big girl Woman. them, the sun bleaching Patty MacDonald them back to original white. In April the robin pecks at its reflection children trinkets She crosses the living room, sunken; & make Impenetrable chromium stringing teeth Reflects her affliction in dewy-moist contours; around their necks. One slow pullfrom the red tip of melancholy Brings the work of the gravedigger- —James Haug Thrusting at mud and dusk As the last of the obliged Bang the gate of the churchyard- "Son of a bitch," she prays, Mascara now at half mast. ENTRUCKTESLEBEN DISTANT LIFE Alles wargrau, dock es lebte die Welt. All was grey, yet the world was alive. Alles strahlt blau heuf, doch wo lebt die Welt? Today shines blue, yet where does the world abide? Ist's Leben wonach ich mich sehn'? Is it life that 1 yearn for dearly? Ist's Leben das sich mir enzieht? Is it life that escapes me barely? Jetzt im Winter da schlaft es, Now in the Winter it sleeps, Bald, im Furhling erwacht es. But soon, in Spring awakes. Doch: Wenn der Winter bedruckt, Yet: When Winters oppressing, Scheint Alles entruckt. It all seems receding Hier, in der Stadt da verdirbt es Here in the city, things rot Nah, auf dem Lande geheit es. Nearby, in the country they sprout. Doch: Wenn von der Stadt befangen, Yet: When the city's confining, Scheint Alles verhangen. Behind veils it's hiding. Emanuel Knill Translation by Emanuel Knill and Tom Kaplan-Maxfield 19 " " i am beguiled by slivers of lightning Who Mourns for Adonis? my eyes dilated to the explosion of the raucous wind, The battle rages in Greece and Troy alive where the stakes are high, with promises of thunder and Growth men's lives are low. for it is the season of the wild, The gods grin with amusement the seduction of chaos, at their pawns. the anticipation of change, and This isn't war, fear it's a free-for-all. of the flood Hera and Athena headfor Troy. "We'll punish Paris for his sin. sometimes ethereal beams filter through my curtains Meanwhile Venus (the goddess of love) before Dawn, has something in store but i must close my eyes to see them for the Grecian ones. The score is even Patty MacDonald most lives are lost. The gods return home (it's been a profitable day.) and they feast on Mount Olympus (in a godly way.) And so the battle goes on in Greece and Troy Men's lives are low. The stakes are high. Achilles, Patrokles, gone to their "reward. Auburn Street Lament Tell me, Who mourns for Adonis? especially in summer that short little house Not I. with a jungle for a backyard seemed our perfect haven two blocks from sirens Lisa M. Sama and the store 24 we had roses and morninglories argued the merits of alyssum versus lettuce seeded every inch with floral population explosion couldn't control the vines didn't really want to anyway removedjust enough small growth for a footpath to the rusty old table and porch chairs sitting in this crazy overcrowded yard with rum on ice one day even mangoes and curried goat always cats pouncing off the roof or sleeping in between cement blocks inside some late late nights filling ashtrays in the I950's kitchen white gauze curtains billowing knocking over candlesticks and pencils at that table of monumental conversations so much was written there union memos poems letters to the tropics the walls thumbtacked to death with our dreams and our loves the celling so low going up stairs you hit your head no matter how short you were so manj shapes You keep your fairy tales and midnight ales in every room sinking slowly into the ground roasting in the fire so the pictures never hanging straight your chestnuts left the ranch today on the walls andyour guests choked on the flour. that house had spirit Edgar Allen Poe the people in the garden said used to live there we left our echoes Annabel's looking slender in the crackedfloors too smells of cooking the cat left with the milkman in the window panes the legacy of strange bugs and Jamie broke the blender in the light blubs that funky beast down everyone else is walking, in the basement the mail that never arrived high strung on the wire on time and the rugs that are there if I don 't quit before you do for a reason all this is over now be sure not to expire! kidnapped dismembered shingle by shingle M. Crowley the house stands buried alive Cindy Schuster 20 OBSESSIVE-COMPULSION oh wet leaves wet leaves outside Life is nice. two A.M. droplets and sewer caps Secure family, financially oh wet lashes and even emotionally. wet lashes from tears People are great. rending emotion twisted understand They love, an ant struggling to escape from the toilet and even listen. I pee on him You care, he dies so I know you're alive Margaret Thatcher will not give bugs the status of political prisoners I had many friends "they are common criminals" who did not care. this and mistaken voices in song Winter came, escape our windows they Died. open windows I was not perfect. onto pre-wet leaves These people were evil. and are heard by neighboring Life Sucked... (Nay, boring) breeze-dwellers. Mary E. Ritchie A pearl on the floor reminds me that I shave one of my armpits and am depressed, and this reminds me of my gashed gum. is There greenness I greatly feel the loss of half tenaciosly refusing to turn colors of my total armpit hair, and not vibrant. Margaret Thatcher has the common decency A chill seeps through window cracks. to flush the pee-asphyxiated ant into oblivion. I do not admire my pen nor what comes out of it. haphazard ferns on my bed Blue, blue, blue, from the era of haphazard triangles not the drizzling greyness the fern folk flaking face the triangle folk, and their ultimate suicide turn the heat up gashed gums bleed onto the white canine teeth turn the heat down (decidedly unattractive, Maggie) exactly eight-thirty The morgidness of shaving everything starts the peril of the hairy, awake cups of coffee The sudden rippling breeze cups of juice staring me in the face on the wet leaves they approach room temperature the atmospheres orgasm from different ends of the thermometer. sudden rippling finished. All the appliances and utilities are quiet - Maryellen Sullivan respectful of the way things are disjointed silently admiring the incongruity, they do not purr, buzz, whirr, ring, tick, or electrocute. Maryellen Sullivan 21 THE REFFET I In the Galilean gloom before dawn, Then we'd push the pace for the need to eat Through an unpainted, steel tubing-made fence, In the "Heder Ochel" 'cross the kibbutz, Waking, moving, heading forward young kine, Meanwhile radio Gimmel rock'n'rolled. Those new mothers, ex-calves' hooves clopped manure. For the army and any "reffetim". Expanded ribs billowed full like ship sails, Pacing for us thirty-two suction time, Globe-eyed, hasty, swaying sheer density, Just so the crazies would buck and rebel, Udder hides drum taut, tactile with veins, made Rode their backs and spiral'd their tails to drain them, Caprice ruminating in armored skulls. Call'd them names, made their fright, used rumps as drums. Eight stupored beefs either side on platforms, Third group emptied, nose in the dear ladies, Things suck on one side, we'd prep the other, Late lactic cycle, mature milk makers, Stop suction so cylinders can fall limp, Mindless fear-globes for eyes but quiescent, Swears meshed with fists directed lactaters. Four-footed milk compressors tapping out. Rubber vines hung from glass-tube dendritia, Each ending in four cylinder suckers, Ill Damned adept and so swiftly surgical An ungulate's thick hoof could flick them off. Push, splash, wash, suck, pull, punch (cursing stomach), Enflame the cheaper Israeli cigarettes, Trigger the water, shudder the udder, Sipping lukewarm coffee with fresh, raw milk, Rub off yesterday's wetted, fecal shards, Suck a puff, swallow a flow and fan the flies. Snap on suction to let the metal mouths drink, While a waitee hotly drops flop close by. Sagged ladies finished milking's ritual, Sent the milk and spewed suds through the system, The first of four bovine strata is done, Socked feet in loose rubber boots shlup off Slap and tickl'd them home with a rubber To the Cheder Ochel's odd left food. hose, twitching rumps, slipping hooves on the run to their place; an eclosed concrete yard. Back to the Reffet (the main job was done), Scrub some but then have coffee in the sun, Reffets are part-worked by "mitnevim", II Not of these people, just their volunteers. Dawn gone, whoop in the second lowing hoard, Those kibbutzim foreigner mitnevim, usual, but older, The black'n'white, Of that pained and pinched land of hunching hills, Heavy, wiser, grudging acquiescense, were/are approved doing the less-loved work, Flocks of blue-brown doves flew out of their way. Allowed a long view from the splintery edge of that near-sufficient concept: kibbutz. Flies! The sneaky, silent, gray groups of them, It and ourselves had bartered mutual needs. Bumbling into all the orifices, Swing the nozzle, splash a twitching crowd of those cow-circling winged heads off a wall. Wm. Andy Meier Breathe deep, that third group, mighty milk donors, Veterans, obedient but a mere few were deranged, Reffet: cow shed or (generally) dairy Like the others: some calves dropped before dawn, Anti-milkers' breakfast conspiracy. (cheder or) Heder Ochel: Dining Room. Dots under letters indicate gurreal pronunciation. Jezreel Valley's sun moved up to its place, Mitnevim: (mitnedevim) masculine plural for To burn off irrigation's trapped night mists, volunteer, (n) the third syllable is usually elided. Mount Tavor, Natzaret lift into view, As blue-brown doves swarmed over the cow food. Thudding the third group, ankle-deep in dung, The middle Eastern morning heat would start to kneel down on shoulders, bending heads, punishment for whacking cows in what was once a swamp. 22 DRIFTING As a child, drifting had it's own sweet smells, A scent offresh cut grass in summers air Carried to the shade of an ancient oak Where child-pirates sailed on the rising swells, Pursuing the stars, abandoned by care Till the wind sets us to silence, then spoke In delicious whispers from neighbors yards As coals made the air echo of the feast; In the evening mist, when the old played cards And dogs told stories in the empty streets, Small eyes looked out past an open window, Past the eye of a log shrouded street light, And rested at the sight of tomorrow Before giving into the dreams of the night. FOR MARCIA —Richard O'Connor From your grave, I saw the gulls land like angles on the rotting pier, anchored against the biting wind, many have died this year. A year ago, we laid our cautious grace to rest. Anim. Behav., 1980, 28, 52-59. "Rape in Like hideous crows Panorpa scorpionflies and a general rape we swooped and cried. hypothesis". Male Panorpa scorpionflies in- Such grief seminate unwilling females by securing the would never cross yourface in life female's wings in an abdominal clamp. but that was the best we could humanly do for you- simply not interested fm the saint of mirrors and birds, in meeting yourfriend, the rapist. dark reflection, lady of glass. You'd like to see me get angry The gulls argue and lose ground will skim and scratch the frozen earth, stumbling upon my own words there is no life now. clumsied by my emotion. I think you'd like the show; In the distance, you d get excited the black waves crash. vicariously. Julia Robbins Bui I don 't even enjoy metaphorical rapes never had dreams neverfantasies of violent penetration masterbating. You can keep yourfriend, the so-called scientist and he can keep his armies of starving scorpionflies andfantasies ofpitiful panorpian erection reveling vicariously in unlubricated penetrations. —mariagrazia marzot Faith Scott 23 SEA STONHS Sea tossed stones feel the child PROJECT A PIECE in a skip-dance FOR SCULPTURE when the waves are calm; the courage, II faut que je le dise and daring, It needs definition and I need another language to say it. to throw Begin with crying. farthest Le poids d'un enfant dans mes bras towards the open the muscles of my shoulders hurt. sea; , the anger I make a small clay figure; it's a pregnant woman defiantly of broken love sitting on the floor, arms stretched behind. in wave crashing missiles; How long do you think one can sit like that? and loneliness (execute. Sit on floor like clay model) in the weak Not very comfortable, tells me a pregnant friend. and gently On the other hand it's the only way to stop the pain in my shoulders. splash Did you hear what you said? of the pebble. Did I hear, do I hear, does anybody hear — Richard O'Connor when I cry or when... Does hammering it in marble make a louder noise? Sharp edges, crazy thoughts, clear-headed. HOUSE MOVING Mariagrazia Marzot This house stood on Main St., now stands by the river a mile away. If it goes anywhere again it will be into the water. We have followed each other to the strong hands of the river. Our whispers cannot hold up this house, winter has spread the cracks and there is nothing left to repair. Old wood drifts on the river scattered like conversations. Fires burn all night along the banks. — James Haug When Love is Not Enough How lovely are the stars out tonight But they are no concern of mine for I curse the stars and all their worth as they shine down so brightly, laughingly to penetrate the darkness and the silence with a billion jeering eyes that haunt me as if they knew, as if they knew my secret so well kept If only I had the power I would cast the stars, the moon, all bright thoughts forever into oblivion and turn the night completely black Laura Newbold -John Hall 24 The Old Ones Academic Determinism if you walked Driving down the savanna without hands and in fear of the teeth it gets dark as you roll of a flesh-eating tiger round obelisks who was faster than you quietly folding and much wiser before headbeam you might move looking ancient and pleased slowly at first to have been of so much comfort and- then run restlessly in spurts. sometimes shouting "You don't do tha-* you might scatter reading names placing faces on open ground reaching scanning bodies for seeds and nuts present at wake as if they too were travellers to be retraced born of fruit and flowers in kind, evolved and cast into the wind forgot. for skulking cats and rambling apes and — Laura Newbold if you felt the cat creeping Umbrella as you drank at the gallery forest you might reach a wax-coated, hand painted for a rock mandarin umbrella keeping near leans, half-capsized an open space on matchstick legs and bare wood shaft. waiting and watching moving behind forward circling the ground water, ready to signal as if slicked with oil before loneliness had sprung moves down several sides, drops running steady, tangling, and you leading into lines that dangle growing fat were surrounded. on the edge before bounding off leaving the tight-skinned canopy — Laura Newbold to open its pores. — Laura Newbold u**<%"*-» 'K Steve Oakley 25 . Lightning strikes twice too often I wish In the desolation I sometimes feel That things mattered less More and more. WHIMSICAL ICARUS Sometimes Trembling sense leaves me trumpets the dawn Who As lamp-lit dusk approaches. Rich in amberous moodiness Succumbs I tire so easily. To the catcalls of a raging moon Memory and meaning weighs the wisdom And Reality and reason Of this world's whimsy in a wink We die so young these days Or else Though once tireless. Gestures the clown Asleep to folly Give strength to wings See That stretch forth We die incognito Though in slumber. And even our wings melt We who are so well deceived — John Hawkins Are pure at least In the brevity of our foolishness. Illumined but for a blink The dance Or pattern deceives still. Ineffables blush At the derision of their own mirrored core. I only wish to want To know. All else bleeds me of sight From which I run Perplexed. — John Hawkins AWAKENING Under a red and rolling sky, As haunted as a Rohrschach blot, Energy finds the middle-eye And gleans the epiphanal polyglot. Now rose, now lavender and gold, The clouds combust and burn away; Shimmering light bursts through — behold! The Awakening men call day. O! This grey pulpy mass of brain, Like a recalcitrant ghost, Rattles the mental window-pane Where dull memory stands engrossed;- Yet, is shaken from sleep again As the Sun rises like the blessed Host . . And gives the middle-eye a toast. John Hawkins — John Hawkins 26 PHOTOGRAPH 1942 5 years younger than I and a few more inches in the thigh not a staggering resemblance but it's there the descent of nose half to full moon of mouth and the eyes — a 25 second free fall straight through dark into light. — Jeffrey brunner FLASHBACK I can still see me and Tony in the back seat of my Firebird. He was crazy then. He was so hard to talk to, I tried to. He carried a gun on him anyway. One night, at the pond, he got into a fight with my old boyfriend, and I watched things get a little rough. And then I watched Tony get blown away. JULIA ROBBINS Lou Medeiros OUTSIDE, THE CITY'S PACE IS IRON, STEEL AND ROTTING LACE. AN UGLY HEAP, BUT UNEXPECTEDLY, IN QUIET GRACE, THE LONE AND LOVELY MEMBER OF A TREE, WINTER NAKED , OUT OF PLACE, MOVES PAST THE DYING CITY FACE. THIS IS ALL MY EYE CAN SEE, ITS LINE OF VISION ISNT FREE. BUT THIS AT LEAST, IN SINGING JOY IS CLUNG TO VEHEMENTLY BY ME. - Nicky Nickerson Laura Newbold 27 BETWEEN US The ride down from the mountain had been unsettling. From a small clearing at the top the road slithered through rain forest appearing here for a moment then vanishing as quickly as it came back under a dense layer of vegetation only to surface again nearly out of sight as if gasping for one final breath of thick wet air before diving once more into deep dark green. We burned that day as we sat in the sand. — Jeffrey brunner Jan Norman LISTEN I was sitting here thinking that even if you just whispered the frost on my windows might feel threatened and melt and run hurriedly down those rotting cedar shingles they hammered away at all last spring — maybe then I wouldn't feel as tired as I do but I do And I realize that it was absolutely blind of me — now that there is such sheer space between us — Jan Norman not to have perceived your quiet position but you see my eyes were swollen shut from trying to find something to eat and being wounded I was looking for a place to hide a cave to dry out in a house that didn't always come back to haunt me • demanding restitution and the rent. Someone I think it was Sophocles or was it Descartes said that we all have problems — and me always the slow learner well I guess I subtracted when I was trying so hard to add and now look at me sitting here listening with delight as my thoughts crackle in the cold air and I know it was my sensitivity too that got in our way. — Jeffrey brunner 28 THIRD WORLD VOICE El Salvador: An Account From the Front Lines of the War Commander-in-Chief Salvador Cayetano Carpio Edited and translated by Cynthia Alvillar and who has given most of his 62 years for and Nicaraguan participation in the war. William Henriquez the struggle of his people. Without a doubt it proves to be a. living In his account, published in the testimony and denunciation of the events Last December, one of the five magazine POR ESTO! of Mexico, that that are occuring in Central America and leading commanders of the Farabun- drew the attention of the New York Times, the sacrifices this has meant to his people. do Marti National Liberation Front he offers important details from the very The following is a condensed translated version of the account that has created a (FMLN) made public a vivid account trenches of the war about the massive of- deep concern among democratic people of of his experiences on both the bat- fensive launched by government forces the world. The editing attempts only to tlefield and as a political-military against the province of Chaletanango, El economize available space and while the leader in El Salvador, a country Salvador late last year. essence remains intact, there have beseiged by an incredibly brutal war. Revealing how the Salvadoran guerrilla omissions in nar- This leader was Salvador Cayetano forces broke through an operation of en-- regretably been some rative detail. Brief interludes describing the Carpio, founder and comander-in- circlement, he makes apparent the reality his narration have chief of the Popular Liberation Forces of U.S. intervention, the genocide commit- circumstances around been added. (FPL), who is widely accepted as the ted against innocent people, and the lies of Ho Chi Minh of Latin America and the U.S. government concerning Cuban 29 . On the 28th of September, the enemy These first battles unfolded with the In front of our position was a very steep disembarked one air transported batallion bombings and allowed us to leave the tren- hill but we had to cross the ravine first. Our (a minimum of 600 soldiers), in the area of ches, enabling us to finalize our plans for explorers had time to realize that. Ojos de Agua, in the valley facing the Mon- the military operation of the counterattack, Soon after initiating the climb I sudden- tana on the eastern side ... - retreat, protection and evacuation of the ly realized that on each rock a red stamp of . . . We arranged our line of defense and masses, (including 3 children and a women blood was left by our wounded comrade the operatives of attack to the flanks and in the later stages of pregnancy) breaking who had since passed to the vanguard rearguard of the enemy. the siege, etc. . . group. It's the living symbol of the valiant The next day, these troops, rather than ... At dusk we began the difficult blood that our people have so abundantly attack toward above, moved to the zone march toward the southern side of the shed in our struggle for liberation but at the bordering Honduras, toward the guerilla mountain. We were very far from the top same time I realized that it was a dangerous encamplent of Yurique, destroying a linking while cannons roared all around us... 12 footprint that can facilitate the enemy's bridge over the Sumpul river to cut off any hours after the march had been initiated the search. The helicopters, supplied by the retreat in that direction. Meanwhile, entire column was exhausted and injured North American government, made one another batallion entered the mountains to from the passage through areas of strenuous reconnaissance after another almost grazing the south, occupying the encampments of access; through ravines and acute canyons. the undergrowth and put their menacing El Gallinero and La Laguna and after The children would cry with more frequen- machine guns to work. heavy fighting extended its lines up to Las cy... The enemy tested the terrain with mor- Flores, off . . thus closing a wide circle. . We had yet to achieve our goal; to tarfire, but it was erratic, indicating that we That same afternoon helicopters in cross the highway Las Vueltas, then break had thrown them of the track and that that groups of ten disembarked more batallions the encirclement to reach the side away would hopefully allow the night to fall so of special troops to the northwest side of from the principle circle . . . about 3 that we could definitely leave the area. Volcancillo . . . Another batallion climbed kilometers away. We were close . . . but In the tense wait for the final enemy from Chalatanango toward the heights with dawn came upon us. We decided to ad- assault there was neither time nor the the mission to prevent any retreats, thus vance a little more. possibility of looking for food; there were closing off a strong encirclement of 120 Nearing 8 am (October 1) it was unwise no supplies. The children now began to kilometers over the zone. to continue further. The surrounding weaken and it was impossible to light a fire The operation consisted of about 5 hilltops were occupied by the enemy, who to give them warm water. We had to give it thousand soldiers of attack and encircle- continuously opened fire on us. to them cold. Their cries not only alarmed ment and thousands more in rein- The network of the strategic encircle- but also troubled us because each time they forcements with sufficient units of artillery, ment was very dense. Our observers became more painful and weak. aircraft and helicopters. There were four or reported that all the high reliefs of the ter- From 4 pm onward the enemy fire in- five batallions in the siege and two or three ritory were taken. Machine-gun and mortar tensified, while the helicopters persistently mobile units on the assault and immediate posts were on all strategic points of the circled above the territory where we laid. trail. (By afternoon the encampments were being trails. The afternoon began sinking into darkness bombed with 200 pound bombs. Battles were We decided to pause, hide beneath the while a freezing rain punished our sore initiated against government troops as they tried underbrush, and await the night to attempt bones. The mortar fire slowly diminished to scale the mountain. Government troop ad- to break the encirclement. and only sporadic bursts of enemy machine vancement was contained inspite of their At eight in the morning, one of our gun fire could be heard from neighboring superior size andfire power.) observers excitedly approached to inform hills. us that the enemy was on all the hilltops At 6:30 pm an impenetrable darkness that we had been detected, and that a unit reigned, but we attempted to leave this hill was coming directly toward us. (Los Narajas). We returned to the moun- Until that moment the orders were to tain in a tactically diversionary maneuver not engage in confrontation unless it was that confused the enemy. Hours later we absolutely necessary . . . Everyone prepared were far behind the forest, opening the way for combat from our respective hiding with dense, spiny bush that made wounds places. The thick coarse explosions of on our hands and arms. When the sunlight G-3's and the dry cracks of M-16's broke came we were able to scale the wooded the brief but tense wait in a furious ex- part of a once distant hill. change, whizzing the projectiles above our . . . The top of this hill had no enemy heads. posts; we put up our own, including a The clash was short, lasting about five blockade. We settled between the rocks to minutes. Three soldiers of the genocidal wait out the day. It was the 2nd of October. government lay dead, the rest fled in Between some rocks a few yards in retreat, pulling along their dead; we could front of me I could see comrade Marta with not confiscate their arms. One of our com- her three children: Jorge who is six: Hugo batants was injured in the foot. who is four and Manuelito who is but an in- This incident had grave results on our fant. The three looked very much alike and objectives ... we were dangerously sur- all like their mother, with very light skin, rounded by enemies at all heights; and we lively black eyes now weary from fatigue. were the object of fierce persecution by The older two are very serious, behaving much more superior forces; and we had just like little guerillas. Owing to the revolu- Young guerrilla of the FMLN begun the day! tionary work of their parents, they have liv- 30 . ed in encampments for months and there The time elapsed slowly and the clash maneuvers;, some 15 soldiers were unload- they behave like adults and everyone we had anticipated did not transpire. ed. The helicopter followed the soldiers ar- shows them love and affection; they are We organized a march that would go riving from the hills and again came to seen with eyes of sentimentality by parents around the middle of the hill that was on hover above us. who think of their own and others with a our right (El Corralito), to proceed on the Here, we had in view a hated advisor profound aspiration that tomorrow our same route that we were taking on the from the Pentagon, personally directing the children enjoy the happiness that today the other side. murder, the genocide of our people while genocide makes impossible and that our Taking more than 6 hours to circle the the false propaganda from Washington and are tells the world people conquering at the cost of so hill, we were now fairly far from the President Reagan himself much blood and sacrifice. that its advisors do not participate in the troops. . . (The youngest child's condition worsened but (At 6:00 p.m., October 4, the guerillas ar- conduct of operations. (The cry of a child un- conditions rendered it impossile to light afire to rive at a deep grassy area but due to the risk of covers them to the government troops who sur- warm water. All reserves were gone. At 6pm a detection are unable to advance.) round the area. They have fallen into an am- nocturnal march was initiated.) We opened small tunnels in the grass, bush and move rapidly up a hill to relative It was proposed that we near the shielded by the small ditch that covered our safety. In the clash one leader was killed and southwest side of the mountain toward the backs and we huddled in the depth to rest. several other noncombatants were killed.) zone of Sicahuite-Jicaro, to then move Suddenly, -a helicopter hummed from afar Word arrives that our comrade Marta toward the highway and break out in that and quickly neared our position circling was spotted as she and her children tried to direction. above us; fairly high at first, it now skimm- climb up the hill. The helicopter that fired (At about 8a.m. October 3, the guerillas ed slowly over the vegetation. It was so low on us cruely directed its machine guns fire realize they have camped at the rear guard of that through the reed I clearly saw the face at the mother and children, coldly filling the troops. Meanwhile 2000 people, mostly of the pilot . . . There is no doubt that Ve them with bullets. The ,malicious American women and children who arrived during the have been discovered. advisor directed a new crime from the night pray for the army whose operations was The helicopter retreated and returned, sinister machine . . . The bodies of our com- underway.) searching more diligently than before. It rade Marta and her three children remained At this moment, the surrounding con- was so close, that we could have 'easily on that bloody hill. tingent of enemy troops . . . had not detec- brought it down; but with great discipline (On the 5th of October the guerillas con- ed us. We were personally witnessing the everyone obeys the orders not to shoot. tinued moving through the hills and came upon inhuman fury with which the soldiers of the Half hour later, more helicopters returned. a small house where they were able to rest. The tyranny saturate the masses of women and Before our astonished eyes, sitting next next morning their contention unit clashed with children with deadly projectiles that are so to the pilot, was a North American advisor, an enemy patrol briefly leaving two government abundantly supplied by the Pentagon. visible in every detail, directing the soldiers dead. Moving beneath the undergrowth Members of the peoples army 31 ) . they attempted to climb another hill with the ning to their villages, they find their homes cluding primitive traps and with arms and troops close behind.) burned, their livestock killed, their crops munitions captured with more frequency, The operation to sweep the area moved ruined and their food stolen. Without food, but still insufficient to the scale of the slowly until late in the afternoon. Through clothing or medicine they begin to tyranny. the thick bushes we saw and heard enemy reconstruct with the dirction of the popular It is a vicious falsehood fabricated by soldiers. When it turned completely dark forces, damning those who cause the peo- the psychological warfare of the Pentagon we reinitiated the march moving away from ple so much harm, honoring the memory of that we are receiving arms from Cuba, the enemy positions. Finally, we broke those who have fallen, reinforcing the deci- Nicaragua or socialist countries of other through the enemy's strategic encircle- sion to struggle. continents. Our arms are homemade or ment! During recuperation, I received, with taken from the enemy with the price of our We are now at the dawn of October 8. great happiness, news from the battlefield own blood. During the last two days we had vainly that informed me: "Commander-in-Chief, For this reason, in the face of the tor- tried to mend our wounds that were in- the orders received in September were car- rent of imperialist arms destined to destroy fected and we sent word to the closest ried out on October 15; the Bridge of Gold our people, I am obligatged to end this ac- guerrila encampment . . . On October 10 above the Lempa River has been count of this small episode of our popular help arrived ... On the 1 1th we made it to destroyed." The propaganda of the puppets liberation war with a CALL TO THE the encampment. PEOPLE OF THE WORLD, so that we ... It deeply moved us to see the faces can: of our people . . . We saw banners with BREAK THE CURRENT WALL OF revolutionary slogans on the walls. We RESERVATIONS AND VACILLA- again stood on liberated ground! TION WE ARE DECIDELY SEARCH- . . . By the 15th, all the encampments ING FOR THE EFFECTIVE SUPPLY were again in guerrilla hands except for OF ARMS THAT OUR PEOPLE NEED Volcancillo and La Hacienda. The IN ORDER TO DEFEAT THE IM- preliminary count of losses were the follow- PERIALIST AGGRESSION. ing: 15 guerrillas dead, 20 wounded, and REVOLUTION OR DEATH!! THE 12 lost, 8 weapons lost, 8 recovered from PEOPLE IN ARMS WILL WIN!! the enemy. LONG LIVE THE FMLN-FDR!! LONG The genocidal army: 33 dead soldiers, LIVE THE INTERNATIONAL 20 wounded, 8 arms lost. SOLIDARITY!!! VENDEREMOS!!! Liberated zone in EI Salvador Along with this painful information was the communication that among the missing Marcial, are two sons of the poet Roque Dalton Gar- tried to project the absurd version that Commander-in-Chief cia; Roque and Juan Jose, with high pro- Cuban rapid deployment forces had invad- of the Armed Forces for Popular Liberation bability that they were captured by the ed the country to blow up the bridge. (FAPL) killers. In the last weeks the Pentagon had ap- Member of the FMLN This had been a major offensive, con- portioned more helicopters, some with October 20, 1981 centrating 5-7 thousand soldiers in a great transport capabilities, and have newly relatively small territory, accompanied by added 12 planes. The shipment of artillery, planes and helicopters, mortar, cannon and machine guns, rifles and munitions are machine gun fire. In only the first five days, numerous and incessant by sea and air. the puppet army dropped more than This torrent is now considered "normal" by 10,000 bombs, mortar shells, including the imperialists and its puppets. aerial bombs of 200 to 500 pounds. The supplies are obviously unequal. 4J*> m*Gi (Explaining the failure of the government While the U.S. limitlessly supplies the troops' against the guerrillas . . murderers the people with arms, each offensive . of While the mobile revolutionary units, time more modern and in increasing aided by local guerrillas and according to numbers, the forces of liberation do not plans of defense, stubbornly fought the receive a single rifle. soldiers attempting to scale the mountains, Although the false campiagn of the reac- units of local guerrillas organized safety of tionary press tries to justify the operation of the people, and the retreat of the units in the Pentagon, the political solidarity is im- the encampments into diverse columns that mense . . engaged in small clashes, sneaking out by The recognition by the French and the creases of the land to later reoccupy the Mexican governments is important to the territory completely. revolutionary forces represented by the Meanwhile, other units realized attacks FMLN-FDS. This courageous and realistic on the rearguard at points outside of the en- step has incalculable consequences in favor circlement especially to ambush the mov- of our people. ing enemy. In this great show of international In less than a year Chalatenango alone solidarity it is necessary to state with all had seen 10 offensives of great magnitude. frankness that many of our units continue The suffering of the masses was im- fighting almost with their nails, with bat- mense in every sweeping operation. Retur- tered rifles, with homemade weapons, in- 32 Nicaragua Libre by William Allen "';>" " ..•' .:;*!.« On July, 1979 the forces of the San- war. Compounding this difficulty, when dinista Front for National Liberation Somoza fled after robbing the National (FSLN) entered Managua; the revolution Treasury of foreign exchange, he left the was victorious. After almost 20 years of country 1.5 billion dollars in debt. struggle the Nicaraguan people, lead by The Reagan Administration has the FSLN, had overthrown the Somoza cancelled aid that the previous Carter dictatorship. Administration had planned to send. It This revolution has inspired hope in has pressured U.S.-dominated institu- the people of Latin America. They have tions such as the Inter/American seen that it is possible to overthrow a Development Bank and the World Bank tyranny, even one generously supplied not to lend money to Nicaragua. $9.6 with modern armaments and training by million in food aid that was to be used to the United States. As such, it provides a by wheat has also been cut. These ac- serious threat to Wall Street, the Pen- tions have had a chilling effect on the tagon, and the Defense Department. economy: closing factories and throw- The Reagan Administration and its ing thousands out of work. domestic allies cannot accept a small The second step in the offensive is to and independent country such as aid counter-revolutionary groups Nicaragua in the United States, "sphere operating within Nicaragua, and to sup- of influence". The Republican platform port and arm former members of of 1980 deplored the Marxist takeover Somoza's National Guard operating of Nicaragua and called for a rollback of from Honduras. the revolution. Clearly, a large part of It is well documented that the CIA Margaret Kaiulall the more influential sectors in the U.S. has managed to penetrate the opposi- Sandinista do not respect the right of self- tion paper, La Prensa, as it previously determination for the poor people of the did in Chile with the Santiago daily, El world. Yet, this does not stem from some ir- rational fascination with domination. Keeping the southern nations in a dependent status does provide con- siderable benefits to investors. For ex- ample, in countries like Chile, if workers get out of hand; if they ask for higher wages or go on strike, they can be lined up against the wall and shot. In addition, businesses don't have to worry about things like social security, unemploy- ment compensation, or workplace safe- ty guidelines. So once again, as people have sadly witnessed throughout history, we have a large power trying to subjugate its smaller neighbor. Prominent Reagan ad- ministration theorists in the Heritage Foundation and the Santa Fe Committee devised a strategy to destroy the Nicaraguan revolution soon after its triumph. Their plans called for no im- mediate military intervention in Nicaragua; rather, they called for some Margaret Kamlall Margaret Randall "softening up" techniques to be used. Rivas 1980 Such a technique is to cut off all Matagalpa, 1979 economic aid. The Nicaraguan economy is particularly vulnerable to this type of attack. It has been controlled by outside interests for centuries and it has suffered from the ravages of civil 33 Mercurio. The former conservative part of a calculated strategy. When newspaper, now resembling a tabloid, is questioned, Reagan and Haig refuse to used not for ideological attacks against rule out direct military actions by U.S. the Sandinistas but for psychological forces against Nicaragua. warfare. Working hard to create a The Nicaraguans have good reason climate of fear and uncertainty, La Pren- to fear an invasion by the United States. sa reports on the inexplicable and biz- The U.S. has invaded Nicaragua several zare. Using techniques straight from the times in the twentieth century: in 1907, U.S. Army manual of psychological war- 1910, 1912 and from 1927-1933. In fare, the Sandinista Government is those days the U.S. couldn't utilize subliminally identified with terror, death Castro as an excuse for invasion. Who and economic disaster. knows what the State Department said Somoza's National Guard, many of before the Russian Revolution? whom were guilty of torturing and Nicaraguans also fear an aerial bom- murdering unarmed people, were not bardment by the United States. With no killed. Due to the heavy Christian in- Air Force to speak of, this poses a serious fluence in the revolution, most of them threat to their national security: these peo- were allowed ' to leave the country. ple have experienced the destruction and Since the Sandinista victory, the former terror this threat could mean. During the National Guardsmen have killed more insurrection Somoza heavily bombed his than 200 Nicaraguans who live near the own country. Tfie city of Leon, the second Honduran border. These terrorists are largest in the country, was bombed with funded and receive fresh recruits from white phosphorous. During the revolution foreign sources. There are training 50,000 died and ,120,000 were wounded! camps, as has been well reported in the The Nicaraguan people know war. news, for right-wing Nicaraguan exiles The Reagan Administration has moved and other assorted mercenaries ahead with these plans for destroying the operating in the United States. This is a Nicaraguan revolution. On March 10, the violation of U.S. law Title XVIII, Section Washington Post reported that Reagan per- 950, which prohibits military training on sonaly ok'd covert actions against U.S. soil for the purpose of invading a Nicaragua. This information was leaked to foreign nation. the press with what is considered the ap- The Reagan Administration is engag- proval of the top officials. Maryurct Kjitdal ed in an undeclared war against The level of the conflict is mounting Managua, 1979 Nicaragua. Threats and intimidation are steadily. The Reagan administration has being used to destabilize the country as openly admitted that they will finance and train 500 commandoes to carry out acts of sabotage within Nicaragua. To explain how this differs with "international terrorism" is an exercise in twisted logic indeed. In January, a group of saboteurs was caught trying to blow up the only cement plant and the only petroleum refinery in Nicaragua. They were also plotting to murder important political leaders. If these counter-revoluntionaries were successful it would have been not only a great human tragedy, but it would have dealt a serious blow to the enemy of Nicaragua. The Reagan Administration has also mounted a full scale propaganda offensive for foreign and U.S. consumption. They have tremendous resources for attacking the FSLN in the media and are attempting to utilize them to the fullest. Reagan, Haig and Kirkpatrick talk about the human rights violations of the Sandinistas. They claim that the Sandinistas are totalitarians for im- prisoning three businessmen and four com- San Roman, Esteli 1979 munists for a few weeks. They also claimed 34 that the Sandinistas are slaughtering the movement for democracy in Central Miskitu Indians, referring to a photo in a America. Under the Somoza tyranny the French newspaper that shows the burned Nicaraguan Congress consised mostly of bodies of Miskios. This later turned out to his relatives. Today there is a 49 member be a four-year old photo of a massacre com- Council of State which represents all major mited by Somoza's National Guard. This social sectors in Nicaragua. The peasant talk of human rights violations in organizations, the church, the unions, the Nicaragua, while ignoring the official policy small business associations, the in- of torture and murder carried out by the dustrialists (COSEP), the small farmers' military regimes of El Salvador and association, the Miskitus, the women's Guatemala, is an insult to the intelligence of organization and the opposition political the American people. parties all have voting seats in the Council The Nicaraguan revolution is beset by of State along with the FSLN. attacks from the United States and its allies The individuals who sit on the Council in Honduras, El Salvador, Guatemala and of State are not chosen for their personality Argentina. What has the Nicaraguan revo- or their wealth, but rather they are chosen lution accomplished that the American peo- by their respective organizations. These ple should fear? The Sandinistas have con- representatives are responsible to their ducted a massive literacy campaign which respective organization and they can be reduced illiteracy from 52% to 13% of the recalled. population. They have carried out a This is a government that the people massive plan to immunize the population have chosen through a prolonged revolu- against infectious diseases and they are cur- tion which required tremendous commit- rently trying to eradicate malaria. Land has ment, valor and sacrifice. Clearly the been distributed to previously landless Nicaraguan people have more power than peasants from the confiscated Somoza they have ever had before. Dora Maria Tellez, second in command holdings. Two of the first things that the It is not in the best interest of the new government did after taking power American people for the Reagan Admin- of the attack on the National Palace were to fix the prices of basic foods and to istration to attempt to overthrow the establish a minimum wage. Nicaraguan Government. The people of Nicaragua remains a poor and under- Nicaragua have made the current govern- developed country but it has made im- ment by fighting for it. They paid a very have to be killed, perhaps even young pressive gains. In the past 2Vz years heavy price for their liberation in blood. American soldiers. unemployment has been reduced by ten The Nicaraguans have a right to live in The Nicaraguan revolution has made percent. In comparison, the other Latin peace and dignity and North American in- impressive social reforms. The Sandinista American countries have suffered serious tervention could engulf all of Central government is working for the vast majority increases in unemployment. Nicaragua also America in a war. The revolutionary who are very poor, not for a wealthy oligar- has the lowest rate of inflation in Central movements in Latin America are deeply chy. The people of Latin Ameirca have suf- America. rooted in the population. In order to stop fered centuries of oppression. There is the The Nicaraguans have advanced the them hundreds of thousands of people will hope today that this process of dehumaniz- tion can be halted and through the active participation of the majority of the people, a more just society can be constructed. However, for the people of Latin America to live in peace and dignity, the citizens o the United States must organize to prevent the U.S. government from em- broiling us in another Vietnam. The revolt of the poor against malnutrition, illiteracy, disease, and the corrupt dictatorships that keep them down is not a threat to the security of the American people but rather a commitment to the revolutionary ideals on which this country was founded. Science for the People Vol. 14 %1 Jan/Feb 1981, "CIA Psychological Warfare Opera- tions" by Fred Landis published concur- rently in Covert Actions Information Bulletin. Murgarct R.uul.ill "Christianity and Revolution, there is no contradiction" 35 Tell the Children the Truth by George McKenzie and what they really are — Africans. have come to be portrayed as a people Perhaps historian John Henrik Clarke of- without a past, or at most with a past tied The Black population of the entire fers the best summary of the above ex- up with savagery. world is confronted with a formidable task, pressed view point: "There is no way to go Again, historian Clarke can be cited in unlike those of the "master race" who have directly to the history of Black Americans shedding some light on this trend that we disproportionatley recorded massive pro- without taking a broader view of the African have come to encounter in the pages of so- paganda that is now being passed down as world history. This is the background to called history books: science. Black people must plunge deep Afr(ican) American history." It is not possible for the world to beneath the accumulated strata of their an- J. W. Vandercook, in his book TOM have waited for the Europeans to br- cient heritage and canvass their African TOM, gave substance to the above line of ing the light, because for the most of heritage and finally emerge with an agenda reasoning, when he wrote: "A race is like a the early history of man, the Euro- for Black survival. (Human) — until it uses its own talent, peans themselves were in darkness. No more lies! The Black scholars in to- takes pride in its own history and loves its When the light of culture came for day's society can not be detached logicians own memories, it can never fulfill itself the first time to the people who or timid subscribers to the prevailing opi- completely." Sad to say, if there is to be any would later call themselves Euro- nion of their past, as recorded by those of more than marginal truth in this observa- peans, it came from Africa, the Mid- the "master race". Blacks are by nature of tion, it goes without saying that Africans dle East, and Asia . . . Most history their very existence trailblazers who must based upon the available historical records, books tend to deny or ignore this ferret out every last inch, every last grain of have very little to look forward to. For in fact ... It is too often forgotten that about their past and thereby force the seeking to advance themselves, the Euro- truth when Europeans emerged and began predominant myths of their pasts to the peans, in their attempt to record history, to extend themselves into the walls. Blacks must, in short, shift the bur- have successfully delineated, distorted, and broader world of Africa and Asia dur- don of proof to those who for their own all but totally destroyed the truth about ing the fifteenth and sixteenth cen- selfish reasons chose to deliberately deny Africa and the African contributions turies, they went on to colonize or distort the African past. toward world civilization. Black people The children of African descent must not be suffered the indignity of those un- founded myths that we have come to en- counter in this day. Blacks, especially in America, must strive for a full and com- prehensive documentation of their history in order to prevent the catastrophy of ig- their place norance and apathy toward true -_ 32 RUTLAND STREET heritage and identity. 02118 The Black people's quest for recogni- BOSTON MA tion, respect, and equal status as citizens of This summer do some thing really this nation is intrinsically tied to the plight different. Do something that of Africans in the Caribbean, Europe and in will make a difference! Africa itself, from where their foreparents came. This is a fact that only the most Project PLACE is currently misguided and misinformed among the race interviewing people who would, dare to deny. Thus, they must seek to transcend the colloquial approach towards like to work on the PLACE HOT- the categorization and portrayal of their LINE. Trainings begin in April, cultural, political, social and religious ex- May and June. PLACE is a periences here in America and the Carib- bean, which is often handed down with the supportive community in which affixed stamp "made in America," without you can learn and practice ever referring to the link between the cultural, political, social and religious ties to human service skills. Come to the African slaves and their transplanted an Orientation any Wednesday heritage. It is the' same colloquial, narrow and morbid view that made it possible for at 6:30 or call 262-37^0. Europeans to come to define them as "Negroes", "Coloreds", "Sambos" and the many other degrading names affixed to them, but never to recognize them for who 36 . . most of mankind. Later they would time of the arrival of Christopher Colum- African past and the gross miseducation of colonize world scholarship, mainly bus. the African people, echoed from the stage history. History was written or Sir E. A. Wallis Budge in his book to the world: rewritten to show or imply that Egypt made the following observation: We refuse to be Europeans were the only creators of The prehistoric nature of Egypt both What you wanted us to be what could be called civilization. In in the old and new stone ages was We are what we are order to accomplish this, the Euro- Africa, and there is every reason for That's the way it's going to be' peans had to forget or pretend to saying so that the earliest settlers You can't educate I forget all they previously knew about from the south . . . There are came For no equal opportunity . . Africa. many things in the manners of Babylon system is the vampire »In the years when the slave trade cutoms and religions of historic Sucking the children day by day getting was effectively underway, Egyptians that suggest that the Babylon system is the vampire some Europeans were claiming parts original home of their prehistoric Sucking the blood of the sufferers of Africa, especially Egypt, as an ex- ancestors was in a country in the Building church and university tension of their "continent" and their neighborhood of Uganda and Punt. Deceiving the people continually "culture" . . . The critics of Africa Some historians believe that the Me say them graduating thieves forget that men of science today are, biblical land of Punt was in the area and murderers, looking out now with the exception of a few, satisfied known as Somalia. Sucking the blood of the sufferers that Africa birth was the place of . . . We've been trodding on What does the majority of the African man himself, and that for hundreds the winepress much too long population of the world know of its African of centuries there after, Africa was in . . . We've been taken for granted past? What does the African population in the all forefront of world progress.* much too long . . the New World know of its ancestral Tell the children the truth We can therefore lay to rest all foreign heritage? What, more specifically, does the Tell the children the truth claims to Egypt. Egypt is Africa. Egyptian African American, who is constantly tor- Come on and tell the children the celebrated civilization must be placed in its tured with his slave past, know about truth.** proper context for all the world to Africa's Golden Age? Marcus Garvey, the see. / Black must not be denied as they are great African Nationalist, propounded: "A •BLACK SCHOLAR, Vol. VII, #1, denied, the knowledge of early African con- people without knowledge of their past is September 1975, p. 42. tributions to world civiliztion. It must also like a tree without roots." More recently, "SURVIVAL, Island Records and be made known that there were Africans in the great African liberationism the late Bob Tapes, 1978. the so-called New World before and at the Marley, citing the suppression of the Asians at UMB The Asian American Society has been in the preservation of our rich culture and very active this year. We have pulled language. together social events like an apple-picking The AAS wants to unite all Asians (of trip, dinners, dances, and numerous lun- different nationalities and backgrounds) to ches. We offered bi-lingual tutoring and help ourselves and each other. We also want counseling for Asian students and supported to promote better understanding among all the campaign against reorganization and people. We hope you will join us. We are cutbacks on education. located in Building I, 4th floor, room The AAS has an extensive community 168. involvement component which deals with childcare, bilingual education, city district representation for Asians, and healthcare in Chinatown. We see our community as a very important center that must be pro- tected and strengthened. We also recognize the importance of the community 37 Haitian Refugees: Mistreated by the U.S. Government by Ashley Batista The current debate over the Haitian refugees revolves around whether the Hai- tians are considered economic refugees or poltical refugees. The Reagan administra- tion argues that Haitians are "just looking for a better place to live" and the U.S. con- siders them "economic refugees." On the other hand, the Human Rights Organiza- tion has denounced the Duvalier Regime in Haiti as one of the most repressive govern- ments in the world. From a legal standpoint, the distinction between political and economic oppression is a crucial one, but for many Haitians, vic- tims of extortion and abuse at the hands of the "tontons macoutes", the distinction is an artificial one. Their poverty, they say is due to a system in which agents of the state exploit the people economically. The Haitians refugees are politically and economically oppressed. Because politics and economics go together, we can- not separate a political system from an economic one. If we look at Haiti's political system, we can see that Haiti has been rul- ed for the last 25 years by the Duvalier family. The present President, "Baby Doc" "In the countryside 85% of the population lives below the poverty Duvalier, took power in 1971 when his father died. At that time "Baby Doc" was 19 If we see how most Haitians live, we corruption, little reaches the people. About years old. According to many refugees, the can understand why so many risk their lives 40 percent of state revenues are diverted repression orchestrated directly by the in leaky, over-crowded boats to go to into a multitude of private bank accounts. President does not approach the level of Florida. Living in Haiti means constant Foreign aid also goes directly into the fourteen year terror of Duvaliers father, contact with misery, disease and malnutri- Duvalier's pocket. Shortly after the IMF "Papa Doc." But many members of "Papa tion. Port-Au-Prince is a decaying slum, credited the Haitian government with a Doc's" murderous security force, the ton- and the population of this capital city has $22 million loan in 1980, $20 million was tons macoutes, have been dispatched to swollen to more than one million as farm mysteriously deducted from the national terrorize the countryside. Moreover, "Baby families swarm into the city to look for budget and used for unknown purposes. Doc" ended his decade of "liberalism" in work. Most people end up jobless, and The Haitian situation continues to 1980 by arresting many of his critics, im- unemployment is between 50 and 70 per- deteriorate thanks to the United States cent. average annual is prisoning some and exiling others. Today The income $275 government that is now closing its doors to in Haiti, there is no opposition party or and in the countryside 85 percent of the the growing flow of people fleeing poverty workers' unions. Strikes are illegal and it is population lives below the World Bank's and the regime of terror. considered very dangerous to oppose the "absolute poverty level" of $135 per year. Currently there are nearly 2,500 Hai- -government. According to Gerald Saint- Of every 1,000 Haitian children, 150 die tians being held in detention camps in Juste, director of the Haitian Refugee before their first birthday, and twice that Florida, Texas, Kentucky, West Virginia, Center in New York, 30,000 people have number do not reach age four. Average life New York and 700 in Puerto Rico. A total been killed in the last few years in Haiti. He expectancy in Haiti is 52 years. There is of 8023 Haitians were jailed in the US dur- 35* also charged that there are jails per only one doctor per 50,000 people and ing 1981 and most of them are threatened school and 189 soldiers per teacher in they concentrate in cities, but 80 percent of with deportation back to Haiti. Haiti. the population live in the countryside. Haiti I do not understand how the U.S. can It is estimated that since the Duvalier spends less money on education than any provide all kinds of aid to Cuban refugees family took power in 1957, 20 to 25 per- other country in the United Nations. Ac- while ignoring the plight of the Haitians. cent of the Haitian people have fled into ex- cording to 1978 statistics, 0.9 percent of its Apparently, for any person to be con- ile to the Dominican Republic, United gross national product is spend on educa- sidered a political refugee by the U.S. States and other countries. American of- tion. government, you must come from a ficials estimated that between 300,000 and Haiti gets more foreign assistance per socialist country, and it will help a lot if you 400,000 Haitians now live in America, person than any other nation — $140 are not black. most of them illegal entrants. million total in 1980 — but becaus of official 38 !!Adelante Companeros Latino Americanos!! Saludos calurosos para los companeros latinoamericanos que han desidido agruparse en LASO (Latin American Stu- dent Organization). Los acontecimientos que se desarrollan en nuestro subcontinente necesitan que la juventud progresista se organize y exprese su solidaridad, no impor- ta lo lejos que nos encontremos, somos hi- jos de tierras saqueadas, explotadas, in- tervenidas oprimidas y desgarradas a lo largo de mas de cuatro siglos de sangrienta historia. A pesar de tantos crimenes, traiciones y humillaciones los pueblos de nuestra America Latina siempre han mostrado que estan dispuestos a llegar hasta las ultimas consecuencias conta de lograr su felicidad y su libertad. Hoy mas que nunca la conquista del amanecer dejo de ser una tentacion para convertirse en una realidad, los humillados y traicionados se han lanzado definitivamente a la conquista de su rendencion. La causa latinoamericana es una causa prtL^9 c+ffu. politica, social y economica. Para que America Latina pueda nacer de nuevo tiene que empezar por derribar a sus "duenos" Rini Templeton pais por pais. Se habren tiempos de rebelion y de cambios, desde Cuba en adelante el mapa de dominacion inicio un proceso irreversible. Otros paises por distintas vias han conquistado su liberacion como la Nicaragua Sandinista hoy amenazada por una inminente invasion norteamericana. Hoy le ha tocado a nuestro Third World Voices: Sounding Louder hermano mas pequeno "el purgarcito de America" (como le llamara el poeta Roque Dalton a su pais: El Salvador), desafiar la potencia mas poderosa del mundo. La With Sandino, I fought. Amidst battles realidad economica, politica, y social de we crouched behind barricades to dodge nuestras tierras jamas debe ser soslayada bullets and draw purposeful diagrams on por nosotros al contrario, como sus hijos, the fine dirt. I saw my daughters raped by debemos ser difusores y portavoces para government spies while European women at Wounded Knee. In its place we buried que otros comprendan las depradaciones a strolled 'la esplanda'. Their children, unlike our hearts. que hemos sido sometidos y nos den su ours, were not maimed, but giggled playfully Coolies they called us, workers we solidaridad. around their mothers. were. Laying tracks and building bridges, Sabemos que los jovenes de LASO Brought as a slave to the cotton planta- breaking through the granite Sierras; their tienen importantes tareas que cumplir en la tions they stole my family, my language, Manifest Destiny took us too. We dug up difusion de la cultura y el arte my culture. I have been burned out of my their gold; we could not claim our own. We latinoamericano pero esto no debe ser home, by hooded men igniting saturated even fought in their war while our brothers alto la motivo para no mantener siempre en crosses. I have felt the sudden snap that were on the mountain, caged once again. solidaridad en contra de los crimenes que se jerked my body. I have hung from southern Today, in the barrios, ghettos, reserva- comenten a diario en nuestros paises por trees. tions, and Chinatowns we are looking at our parte de los enemigos de la justicia y la Ancient, sacred graves of my Indian history, our culture and our struggle. And, libertad. forefathers have been scarred. There I held we can feel the fury. It is felt by our childen Estamos seguros los companeros que gun, knife or tomahack. The gun I held as it is being bred into their hearts. But they latinoamericanos de U Mass sabran cumplir barred the BIA and other traitors' entrance should never have to cry like their parents este objetivo. con doble to our resisting nation. I have brought up might have. They, like us, are learning that !!Adelante LASO!! El futuro es de los the hatchet for Little Bighorn, many times they can never stop fighting because the oprimidos y explotados de la tierra!! struggle goes on. Willian Henriquez Third World News Editor Cynthia Alvillar 39 ...... REWARD Emigrados $50-$ 100 Emigrados, ao encontro dum tempo desencontrado for info leading to roofing jobs. nas praias que ficaram no alem! Peregrinos, a descoberta da paz que o berco primeiro nao teve Zeke and Sons Roofing Co. p 'ra dar. . 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Historical voyages through the Americas, Europe and Afrika. Peregrinos a la descubierta de una paz que Now homeward bound, la primera cuna no ha tenido para darles. passing Crianzas en el trapezio enredado en un nuevo circo. through the "Middle Passage" returning fron the "Great Circuit" trade. Gente que siente, ama y cree a veces. . otras veces piensa, llora y desacredita. . The ship "Swallow" swelling with silk, y en elfondo, donde el humano siempre se descubre gold, and Black cargo gente que sigue viviendo este presente. well protected. And atop the ship's sail soars the Albatross. Antonio Sousa — Boston Robert Moore 40 PHOTO ESSAY Images Silvered tyj$ Jamaica Plain Apartment, 1979, Glen Gurner, p. 43 Santa Monica, 1980, Glen Gurner, p. 46 Arlington, Va., 1977, Nina Schlosberg, p. 46 Carmel, 1979, Glen Gurner, p. 48 Suenterrabia, Spain, 1979, Nina Schlosberg, centerfold 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 " NEWS -^ Reflections on a "Noble Cause" Vets L ook Back on the Vietnam War by Michael Letwin "Well, it's time we recognized that ours percent of those polled nationally are government has given up on winning in was, in truth, a noble cause ...We will against any form of U.S. involvement in El Central America. After all, the power and never again ask young men to fight and Salvador, and 89 percent oppose sending prestige of the world's largest economic and possibly die in a war our government is troops under any conditions. Twenty-five military empire is at stake. So, while back- afraid to let them win. percent of the people who are supposed to ing off for the moment on the use of U.S. — Ronald Reagan on Vietnam, fight the next war have refused to register troops, the administration has dramatically August 18, 1980 for the draft, despite repeated threats from increased military aid to the juntas in El the government that they will be pro- Salvador and neighboring Honduras, and is "We didn't win, thank God." secuted. about to do the same in Guatemala. It is also — Vietnam Veteran, David Connolly, April 1981 The Vietnam War ended seven years "You'd be pullin' bodies out of this jungle someplace and ago this month. Does it matter, after all this there's two tanks marked 'Shell Oil', and we're losing time, what we think about Vietnam? soldiers to protect it" It does to Ronald Reagan. He's sending tens of millions of dollars in military aid and dozens of U.S. "advisors" to prop up El Salvador's junta and to crush the country's Of those who have joined up, the reason actively attempting to overthrow the San- popular nationalist revolution. He'd like to is usually the poverty draft — unemploy- dinista government of Nicaragua. send American troops in to finish the job. ment. Gone are the days when most work- Because these policies lack popular sup- What's stopped him so far is that people at ing class and minority young people believ- port at home, the administration has also home remember Vietnam. ed that it was their duty to fight, kill and die been waging a massive propaganda cam- Although the war ended in April 1975, without question on orders from above, or paign to whip up support for continued, and and that the government has tried to have us because their fathers and older brothers did if possible, expanded U.S. intervention. forget it ever happened, the mere mention so. They argue that the revolution in El of Vietnam continues to evoke images of As a result of this widespread opposition Salvador is nothing more than a creation of saturation bombing, burning villages, pea- to another Vietnam, particularly in El the Russian, Cuban and Nicaraguan govern- sant massacres, corrupt U.S. "allies" and Salvador, officials including the Secretary of ments, who, the administration claims, are tens of thousands of dead and maimed Defense and Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of out to take over the Western hemisphere by G.I.s. Staff have publicly admitted that the U.S. way of Central America and Mexico. that government lacks the The images remain so powerful political support in Because this is the identical argument the much-discussed Patriotism" this country to even "New use American troops in Cen- that previous administrations used to justify the tral of Iran-hostage days has faded, while the America, and in the last month, Reagan Vietnam, the Reagan administration has "Vietnam Syndrome" — the other top and officials have announced for had to insist, on the one hand, that Vietnam administration's term — has led to growing the first that time they have no intention of and El Salvador have nothing in common, and powerful opposition to U.S. interven- sending them. and at the same time, that we shouldn't op- tion in El Salvador, even before American But the current wave of domestic op- pose U.S. intervention in El Salvador troops sent. have been position to U.S. involvement in El Salvador, because Vietnam was a "Noble Cause." According to a recent Newsweek poll, 54 significant as it is, doesn't mean that the In Reagan's version of Vietnam, JFK, 49 Johnson and Nixon were right about Viet- For them, massive Vietnamese resistence were doing. We were landing outside of nam all along — that it was fought to defend made Vietnam a war the US couldn't and villages where little kids would be coming a small "Democracy" in Asia against "Com- shouldn't have won. And they resisted the U.S. up to you, spitting on you, giving you the munist Aggression" on the part of Moscow military in the field and joined the Anti-War finger, and telling you to go home. By the and/or Peking. The American military Movement at home in that belief. second week I was in Vietnam I began to machine was the hero of the war, the argu- Today, Vietnam remains an unending ask 'What are we doing here?" ment continues, and would have won if it nightmare which has profoundly affected Stahl's doubts turned to disgust as he wasn't for the treason of the Anti-War their lives and the lives of their fellow vets. witnessed U.S. treatment of the Viet- Movement at home which prevented it It was the U.S. government, they point out, namese. from going "all the way." American GIs were not the Anti-War Movement, which poison- "I remember one time in early '68 when thus stabbed in the back by the Movement, ed them with Agent Orange. And they say a couple of helicopter gunships I was in were which is therefore responsible for the dire that rather than solving the problems which heading back to base with some extra am- plight of Vietnam vets today. the war created for them, the administration munition. All of a sudden, the pilots saw a Through this logic the administration is exploiting Vietnam vets to whip up sup- farmer riding his bike next to a rice paddy, hopes that we will associate our negative port for new wars which will result in the just minding his own business. They just feelings about the war with the fact that the destruction of another generation of young dropped the extra thirty-six rockets we had U.S. was defeated, rather than memories of people in the coming Vietnam. on the farmer and blew him to pieces." the destruction wreaked by the American These vets have resolved to tell their David Connolly was in Vietnam from military and the dictatorship it supported. story, especially to the young people who 68-9 in the Army's 1 1th Armored Cavalry The bottom line of Reagan's version is didn't experience Vietnam first hand so that Regiment. He lives in South Boston where that preventing another Vietnam means not we will never allow the government and he grew up, works at New England that the U.S. government should stay out of those it represents to create it again. Telephone as a frameperson, and attends other people's countries, but that when it Only in this way, they believe, will their the University of Massachusetts part-time. "I saw how we'd walk in and kill a whole village," says Connolly. "The Army'd call it 'Search and Destroy.' Or we were relocating people into cities where there was no sanita- tion, no food, nothing. The people had to try to make it on the black market, through crime and prostitution. There were 500,000 prostitutes in South Vietnam-one for every GI! "I'm saying, 'Wait a minute.' I remember my younger brothers and sisters. I couldn't imagine doing things like that to little kids and babies." Atrocities, says Connolly, were not the result of individual GI "excesses." Rather, he says, they were the product of a carefully Mark Foley, Shep Gurwitz, Rick Stahl devised American military strategy. "In a war where the 'Enemy' was a guer- goes into El Salvador, it should be sure to war not have been in vain. rilla movement with immense popular sup- win. port, all Vietnamese were fair game," he The administration isn't alone in says, pointing to the "Body count" programs recognizing that the way we remember will Is Reagan right in calling the Vietnam war whose goal was to kill the greatest possible determine our reaction to El Salvador. This a "Noble Cause"? number of Vietnamese, civilians, old peo- article, drawn from interviews with 6 Rick Stahl was an in-flight helicopter ple, women or children included. "If it's Boston-area men active in veterans' rights mechanic in the 16th Marine Air Group of dead, it's Viet Cong," was the attitude of the and anti-war organizing, reflects the views the Third Marine Air Wing between military, he explains. "It gave us a license to of a growing number of Vietnam vets who 1967-9. Today, he lives in Cambridge and kill." have begun to speak out against Reagan's is counselor at the Vietnam Educational Another part of U.S. strategy, says Con- version of the war they fought. Training Program at the Boston campus at nolly, was the "Strategic Hamlets" program, To them, Vietnam was anything but the University of Massachusetts. in which civilians were herded into barren "Noble." It was a war against the people of "Originally," says Stahl, "I felt that I concentration camps to prevent them from Vietnam and against American G.I.s could help someone in Vietnam, enlighten aiding the guerrillas. Torture and rape, he says, regularly themselves, since it was working class and them. I thought that by waging war in their were praticed to gain infor- 'minority kids who died on the front lines. country, they would have automobiles, fac- mation and to terrorize the population. They saw the Vietnamese and their own tories, telephones and TVs. That they Connolly points out that this war against brother G.I.s sacrificed in the name of could turn on the nightly news and see what the Vietnamese relied heavily upon an in- "Democracy," when what was really at life was all about. tense conditioning of GIs by the military. In stake was the quest for a world where "But it wasn't long before I started part, he recalls, the Army used technical American capitalism could be guaranteed meeting other GIs who had a different sounding words intended to camouflage safe profits. attitude. They were ashamed of what they reality. "Instead of saying 'kill,' the military 50 invented 'terminate with extreme prejudic'. two million Indochinese and one hundred soldiers didn't do anything," he says. In the And you never heard that you were going to thousand Americans—fifty-three thousand big battle at Hue in '68, US Marines were take this humane being and section him of whom died later from their wounds—to outnumbered four-to-one on the battlefield almost evenly with this weapon they gave prove it." because the ARVNs who were supposed to you," he says. The reality, says Stahl, is that the U.S. help them were looting the bodies of the Ron Armstead, a black vet who was lost the war above all because most Viet- dead Marines." aboard the USS Natchez off the Vietnamese namese were united in their opposition to In addition, as the war ground on, GIs, coast in 1966-7 and who is now a counselor the U.S. in the cause of national in- sickened by their role and the pointless loss at the South End Veterans Outreach Center dependence from their centuries-long of life, began to resist the war effort, says explains that the military also encouraged domination by the West and Japan. Miller. racism among GIs. "The Vietnamese He recalls that Black troops were often became less than human. They were called the most active resisters. "There was a lot of 'dinks,' 'slopes,' 'gooks.' They were Black Power, especially in the infantry. dehumanized in the war." There was a general refusal to do anything. However, GIs found out that the They're not going to work, they're not going military's policies against the Vietnamese to wear their uniforms right. There was this made victims of U.S. soldiers as well, says Black GI who had all these medals, tons of Steve Miller (a pseudonym), who was an them. On his last day there, he just walked aerial artillery spotter in the Army's First In- into the Commanding Officer's office, took fantry Division in 1968-9. There was a real his chunk of medals, and chucked it right at pressure on the higher officers for the him." numbers of bodies. But they just had to The particularly militant attitude of gamble with men." Black troops, say these men, was due not "All we were was bait," agrees Connolly. only to the general experience shared by all "You'd be expected to go from such and GIs in Vietnam, but also to the specific . such a landing zone to the next LZ to draw situation of Black soldiers. For example, fire so that they could call in high they point out, Blacks were assigned by the Kristjn Baglc technology. You want some figures on military to the dirtiest and most dangerous Shep Gurwitz, Connolly American casualties during Tet, the first big Dave positions, one result of which was that while National Liberation Front push on Saigon in they made up only 11 per cent of the 1968? Four thousand, one hundred and population in 1970, they suffered 23 per fourteen killed in action, 19,285 wounded, cent of the casualties in Vietnam. 604 missing. In just a two month period!" resistance "As long as the last Vietnamese was still Black was also fueled by the The feeling that they were being freely alive and had a bullet in their rifle," he in- Civil Rights and Black Power movements in sacrificed highlighted the glaring contrast sists, "they were not going to give up. If you the US, which led many Black GIs to feel between GIs and officers, says Connolly. In killed one, there were ten others waiting in that, as Black victims of racial segregation the field, he says, "You rarely even saw a the wings to take up the gun and wage war and discrimination, poverty and repression captain. They'd drop the general in on his against the invader. We weren't going to at home, they had no reason to fight and die helicopter with gunship coverage, and he'd break that backbone." in Vietnam, especially when "No Viet- get a Silver Star. Meanwhile, we didn't have enough Medevacs to get the wounded out. We could call in half a million dollars worth of artillery for a noise or a light, but we "There's two million of us, and one hundred thousand or new pair of couldn't get any underwear a have commited suicide" boots. The officers would sell your food, and you'd have C-rations." From what they saw in the war, these vets find Reagan's claim that the Govern- In contrast to the anti-American forces, namese Ever Called Me Nigger," as a ment "didn't allow them to win" to be a false the U.S.-backed Saigon regime was cor- popular saying went. Especially after the explanation of U.S. defeat in Vietnam. rupt, brutal and had no cause to fight for assassination of Martin Luther King in Throughout the war, argues Connolly, other than personal gain, says Miller. "The 1968, many Black GIs came instead to the Government did everything it could to South Vietnamese national police would believe that their battle was against the win, short of nuclear war. At its height, he- come around in groups" he recalls, "bully society that had sent them to Vietnam while points out, the US had over 500,000 somebody and take whatever people had. leaving racism intact at home. troops in Vietnam, that it waged a decade They wore these white uniforms and were As Armstead recalls, "I came back and long massive air-war in which more bombs called 'White Mice.' It was like putting the my community looks worse than when I were dropped than in all of World War II, mafia in uniform. They'd kill GIs or went. It looks like the war was in Roxbury! I that if defoliated a huge area of the country- anybody for their money. And when you'd can't go six miles into South Boston. Yeah, I side, experimented with a spaceage "elec- see that kind of thing, you'd wonder: 'Are went twelve thousand miles to fight for tronic battlefield," and waged secret wars in these the people I'm fighting with?" something I can't get right here." Cambodia and Laos. Connolly recalls that ARVN (Saigon Ar- GI resistance, however, came to be "The Government pushed as hard as it my) soldiers were usually drafted peasants widespread among GIs of all races. Large could," say Connolly, "and there are about who had no interest in fighting. "Their own numbers chose to go AWOL or to desert 51 entirely. Drug use and general disrespect for unlike the policy-makers, he believes that Vietnam was heightened by the feeling that authority was common. One of the most every people has the right to decide the he was betraying his Irish heritage by help- popular acts of resistance, recalls Miller, direction of its own society. ing to suppress a movement for national was "fragging" — killing officers responsible "If you look around the world, there's the self-determination. "If we allow the for needlessly sending GIs to their death. same thing going in on many countries. Peo- American public to look at us like heroes, "There were more officers killed by their ple want the right to determine their own then it'll just happen again — they'll get own men in Vietnam than in any war this existence and their own way to go about another crop of 19 and 20 year-olds." * * * country's fought," he says. things. I think that is a democratic principle. Connolly remembers one such incident The US doesn't respect that, the Soviet If their experiences led these vets to following an especially high casualty rate in Union doesn't respect that, in Ireland the views so starkly opposite to Reagan's, why his unit caused by an over-zealous officer. British don't respect it." do some vets still defend Vietnam? "We came in at six or seven o'clock and the The belief that the US used them for a Because they can't face the idea that the officer ten. responsible was dead by He was war of conquest in Vietnam has left many suffering they inflicted, experienced, and killed our brothers spent the night by who vets more bitter and much wiser, as is witnessed in the war was in vain, believes listening to this shit go on, knowing that we reflected in the lines of Connolly's poem, Mark Foley, who was in the Army's Thirty- were going through because this mother- "Thoughts on a Monsoon Morning": Second Medical Depot in Vietnam in fucker decided he was going to extend his Used, by the rich of my country. 1970-1 and who attends the University of manpower." Duped, by those I looked up to. Massachusetts today. larger As the war went on, incidents of Wondering, how can I tell those "Mentally, they need to have something scale mutiny became more common. Says who blindly wave the red, white, and blue? to hold onto, he explains, "even if they don't Connolly, "I remember being in the field in "Vets became aware of a lot of things as a really buy it anymore. They have to believe '69, late and the radio telephone operator consequence of Vietnam," says Armstead, that they went over there to get a job done, put the headset up to my ear and somebody reflecting on his own feelings and on those no matter how it ended up. I think a lot of said: "A Company, 2nd of the 7th Infantry, of many of the vets he counsels. "How guys are hanging onto that because if they 199th Light Infantry Brigade just told their racism works, how exploitation works. How let go, there's a void they can't fill." company commander, 'Fuck you. ain't being profit-oriented We reduces the individual "How can you pump bullets at fighting.' And then he went off. Lots of to a second or third consideration. How the somebody 'till his face or his knees are com- just said 'no' orders times we when the came loss of life means nothing as long as it pro- pletely blown to pieces?" asks Shep Gur- down. duces dollars. witz, a paratrooper in an advanced recon- insists "So we obviously couldn't win," "And that's what the war seems like it naissance unit' of the Army's 1 73rd Airborne Connolly. "The only people who wanted to was all about: dollars. Helping a few people Brigade in 1967-8, who lives in East Boston fight for the country were on the other side." The conclusion that these and many other GIs came to during the war was that "El Salvador is the same as Vietnam—another corrupt US intervention was not motivated by a dictatorship to support, another people to keep down for desire to "defend Democracy" in Vietnam. the sake of corporate profit" Rather, they came to believe, they were sent to Vietnam in part to protect in- vestments of Western capitalism in the region. For example, Connolly recalls that get some money, expand their sphere of in- and attends the University of Massachusetts 59 of his comrades were killed one after- fluence in another area, to dominate some today. noon in a firefight over a rubber plantation trade somewhere else. It's not about people "How can you watch little kids crying on owned by Michelin Rubber Company near here." the side of the road, dirty and grimy and no Dau Tieng in 1968. "I think Vietnam veterans learned early parents? You say, 'Oh boy, was all this Stahl came to this realization when on in the war that we were there to fight for worthless?' Some people just can't deal with "You'd be pullin' bodies out of this jungle the interests of the multinationals," con- it that way. They displace it, put it someplace and there's two big tanks marked cludes Stahl. "That we were losing, just somewhere else . And if they take a look into 'Shell Oil.' And we're losing soldiers to pro- wasting life to protect their investments, in a that picture and feel the pain, they're gone. tect it. So it didn't take long to realize who country that we should never have been in. That's how they deal with it. Then they can we're fighting the war for. It was for the in- And that pissed us off to be used like make Vietnam seem like the right thing. terests of the rice people, the rubber planta- pawns." You can make anything seem like the right tions, the oil." The result, he says, is that he doesn't thing." Perhaps even more important, say these feel any pride for his role in Vietnam. Stahl encounters another group of vets vets, were the fears of American business ."I'm not proud, in a sense, to say that I'm who are able to admit that the war was and government policy makers that a Viet- a Vietnam veteran. Because I committed wrong, but whose reaction is to blame namese victory would encourage revolu- that rape and pilferage. To be proud that I themselves. He has no difficulty under- tions elsewhere, thereby threatening the served comrades there who are still suffer- standing this reaction, since there are times "stability" of US economic and political ing today, that's where I can get up and when he has felt the same way. dominance. boast a bit. But as far as being there for the Miller doesn't dispute what politicians Government, I'm ashamed." "My father had this hate for the people and generals then called the "Domino "I think we should put the message they waged war against in World War II," he Theory," pointing out that revolutions have across that there can be no pride in what we says. "But we can't hate the Vietnamese, so followed the US defeat in Vietnam. But, did," agrees Connolly, whose opposition to the hate is turned inward, and we begin 52 " I hating ourselves for the ignorance and the to work tomorrow, and didn't want to hear the War (VVAW). Foley believes that this stage of development we were at when we it. My folks were worried about whether I involvement was the single most important went to war at 17 years old. And today, at changed my life insurance benefits from thing a vet could do for his own mental 34 years old, that hatred is starting to come them to somebody else. Not the fact that I health because rather than wallow in guilt out. was going to Vietnam, but that if I died, they over Vietnam, anti-war vets tried to end it. "There's two million of us, and one hun- wouldn't get the money! "I think that the anti-war movement dred thousand have committed suicide," he "The options were horrible, fucking saved a lot of guys who were in the war," he adds. "Well, it's denial. They're not able to lousy, you know? To think of the MPs pull- says. "They didn't, like a lot of veterans, accept what they did." ing up to your house someday and dragging have problems because they've taken their Other vets, however, reject self-hatred. you off to Leavenworth! I finally decided, guilt personally. It was an amazing feeling to From the start, they point out, working 'Well, I don't even have the bucks, so what be in a demonstration with five hundred class and minority young men had little am I going to do? No way I'm going to guys in jungle fatigues walking through the knowledge of, or choice about Vietnam, Canada with no support from anyone.' streets of some city in this country to end Until massive even before the draft boards reached them. GI resistance blossomed the war. Everyone felt that 'Hey, I got all my In their communities in the mid-1960s, in the late '60s, the options were even fewer brothers right here with me. They all feel in they s"ay, there was a tradition of military once Vietnam, explains Stahl. "They the same way, they've all been through a lot. wouldn't shoot service which made joining up seem like the you for deserting, but you We know we're right, we just know it. to natural thing to do. had choose whether you were going into a "So all these guys in VVAW had an out- stockade where they beat "When I was in high school," remembers you about the ward direction for their rage. They were no Miller, "the big joke was that when you got head and shoulders with a baseball bat every longer blaming themselves. They knew out you were going to 'Saigon U.' It was just expected. You lived with it for about three years, and I knew they were going to draft 'Everyday in 'Nam was like a year out of your life' me. So I just figured, 'Well, I'm going to go down and get it over with. To hell with it.' they were victims, just like the And that was it. I joined the Army to get out hour, or you went into combat. Which Vietnamese. of town." would you choose? I chose to try and sur- And I think it was very effective in turning In South Boston, Connolly's situation vive, and in surviving, you had to wage war." public opinion." was similar: "Friends of my parents, older "What makes a difference is class," con- "I tell you," says Miller, "the one thing I people, would say to me, 'What are you go- cludes Miller. "If you go to a group of people take pride in is the fact that I came to be in ing to do when you get out of high school?' who are pretty wealthy, you don't hardly VVAW, to make a stink and say this I'd tell them, 'I'm going to Vietnam. Where meet a Vietnam vet at all. You go down shouldn't be going on. Other than that, the the hell do you think everyone else is?' among people who work for a living and you war is just something I did. I would have There was nobody on the streets that was meet all kinds of them. A lot of guys from rather done it fighting for truth and justice older than you." South Boston, Medford and Somerville, than what we were fighting for. Then I Connolly believes that he was a victim of which had the most killed in the country for could be proud." * * * the government's effort to recruit and draft its size." for the youngest possible working class youth, Even those vets who have been able to "direct their rage," the war continues to: because it found them the easiest to mold to day. In part, they explain, Vietnam con- its requirements. "Do you know how old the tinues to take an enormous emotional and average veteran of World War II was? 26. I physical toll on those returned. didn't know anybody who was 21! The who "Vietnam makes crazy every day," average age in Vietnam was 19. me explains Connolly, as he recounts story after "That's one of the first things I try to tell people who ask me about the war," he con- story of friends who have been driven to drugs, alcohol or suicide tinues. "We were little kids, see? And they because they can't gave us a gun and told us we were going to shake the war. "You see a lot of dudes who be John Wayne and that 'those fucking come back from the military and hate dinks ain't worth shit.' And a few old men everybody," says Gurwitz. "They hate directed the whole thing." themselves and their families. Partly because he was a little older, "I grew up in South Boston, from which "You're old and you haven't even had the Foley was already against the war by the twenty-eight guys were killed in Vietnam," chance to be young. I've never been young. time he enlisted, but he too found no way to says Connolly. I came out of high school right into the ser- avoid the military. "I joined because they vice, and then bang — when I came back I Vets who came to blame the war on the would have drafted me anyway, and the Ar- wasn't twenty-one anymore. I was fifty-five. government and economic system, rather my promised to send me to Germany. They Every day in the 'Nam was like a year out of than on themselves, often joined the anti- didn't tell me they would send me to 'Nam your life. I'm thirty-four years old and I don't war movement when they got home, says afterwards. know how to talk about simple things. in the Miller. Although some people move- There's this thing: "When I got my orders for 'Nam, I came 'Don't get too close, ment blamed them for the war, especially in home and found absolutely no support from man.' People tell you they see you scoping the early years, vets became an important my friends and family. They said, 'Well, you out everything in sight in a non-combat and distinct force against Vietnam, par- zone sitting got orders, you got to go.' They were going and with your back to the wall ticularly through Vietnam Veterans Against all the time. I don't have nightmares — 53 L earning About Vietnam at UMB One of the most popular and interesting courses at UMB especially among veterans (there are approximately 1,000 vets at UMB) is the "Social Legacy of Vietnam," which is offered by the Sociology Depart- ment and is taught by Professor Jim Brady. In this class many aspects of the Vietnam Krisran Bagtey War, particularly those that presently affect Vietnam vets, are closely examined and UMass/Boston. Presently, Brady is work- discussed. Because there are several Viet- ing closely with the university administra- nam combat veterans in the class, students tion to create the Joiner Center for the are given a keen insight into the realities of Study of War and Recovery. Brady has the Vietnam and post-Vietnam experience. written several grant proposals for funding. Kristan Bagley Discussion in the class are often very emo- When the Joiner Center is fully operation it conduct original research on little will tional and provoking. be the first comprehensive center of its understood aspects of the war and its rela- The creation of this course is one part kind nationwide offering undergraduate tion to society, and ultimately will provide of a larger commitment that Professor courses on Vietnam and veterans in the counseling and tutorial services to veterans Brady has made to Vietnam veterans at various disciplines, allowing scholars to with emotional or academic problems. have daymares. It's with me all the time." under the new administration, one of whose beings." Connolly and Gurwitz are not alone. Re- first acts was to try to cut the budget for Outrage is the only way to describe cent studies report that hundreds of Vietnam vet services. "Ronald Reagan these vets' reactions to US intervention in thousands of vets suffer from "Post Vietnam pinned the Congressional Medal of Honor another Vietnam-type war which, they are Stress Syndrome," whose effects include a on a Vietnam vet and then signed an order convinced, will send their younger brothers high alcoholism, drug, suicide, divorce and that cut off the funding for the outreach or sons to the fate of those who went to prison rate. Because they are also workers centers," says Connolly. Vietnam. and minorities, vets are among those bear- "Ronald Reagan can't look at Vietnam "I've been yelling at people over El ing the brunt of the economic crisis. No one veterans as heroes when he's trying to cut Salvador," says Connolly, "to the old guys that I work with, a couple of whom were in the infantry during World War II. I'm trying "On his last day there, he just walked into the Com- to tell them: 'You know, I did the same thing manding Officer's office, took his chunk of medals, and you did. You got to listen to me now. You haven't listened to us for ten years. They're chucked it right at him" doing wrong again. They're starting 'Nam all over again in this hemisphere, and you peo- knows how many GIs were contaminated back all the programs that are vital to us," ple aren't doing anything about it." by Agent Orange, a chemical used by the adds Stahl. "We have seventy million dollars "Yup," agrees Miller, "they're gonna pack military to devastate the Vietnamese coun- worth of programs that are crucial to Viet- off their kids again." tryside, and which causes cancer, birth nam vets. All seventy million are on "The beginnings of El Salvador are just defects, and a long list of equally deadly Stockman's hit-list. It suggests that white the same as Vietnam," argues Stahl. "And diseases. man speak with forked tongue. He's saying we're calling it a 'Little Vietnam' because it's The government not only created these one thing and doing the direct opposite. We just a matter of time. problems by sending them to Vietnam, say just look at him as another farce, another these vets, but it has refused to take the obstacle, because we know that Reagan will "They're flooding the country with necessary steps to remedy them. They never give us what we want. He'll just throw millions of dollars worth of weaponry and charge that Veteran Administration benefits crumbs our way to try and keep us pacified." technology to wage a war down there. As and hospitals have always been hopelessly Stahl is particularly angered by the con- soon as the first American ship is hit, they'll inadequate and unsympathetic to their trast between Reagan's cuts in programs for have another Gulf of Tonkin incident," he needs, to the point that vets are given drugs Vietnam vets, and the unprecedented funds says, referring to the attack against allegedly instead of counseling and are denied treat- allotted to the military. "I think about the innocent US ships off the Vietnamese coast ment or compensation for Agent Orange amount being spent on building up the war in 1964. Though the Johnson administra- poisoning. machine again. They are more interested in tion later admitted that the ships were in- Despite Reagan's proclamation that building Trident submarines and Cruise volved in military operations against North Vietnam vets are heroes, these vets point missiles than in ever answering the question Vietnam, the incident served at the time to out that their position has grown worse of what effects Agent Orange has on human win unanimous Congressional support for 54 - massive US military intervention in Viet- University of Massachusetts where they nam. have helped to launch the William Joiner "And I'm sure that if you look at what's Center for the Study of War and Recovery, happening in the military training centers which conducts courses on Vietnam. and boot camps, they're probably telling the "It's our obligation as vets," says Stahl, new soldiers to hate 'spies,' to kill El "to let people know what the situation is Salvadoreans, just like we were told to hate with the government today, and not to let 'gooks.' El Salvador is the same as Viet- Vietnam recur. Because we're the most re- — dictatorship to sup- cent ones with knowledge of what war can nam another corrupt "FORGET NAM" port, another people to keep down for the do and the amount of suffering it inflicts not sake of corporate profit." only on our own veterans, but on other These vets are actively working to pre- peoples as well." for Jerome Banks and William Wiesle vent another Vietnam, this time before it starts. Ron Armstead speaks frequently at Michael Letwin is a free-lance writer and "Ratshit" and 'Weasel" and me, anti-war demonstrations in Boston. Stahl, graduate of UMassIBoston Class of '81 who is are behind this dike, Connolly, Foley, Gurwitz and Miller are ac- currently doing anti-war work in New York and Charlie is giving us "what for" tive in anti-war activity in Boston and at the City. "Ratshit" lifts his head, just a little, just enough for the round to go in one brown eye and out the other, and he starts thrashing The Life A Child and bleeding and screaming Of and trying to get the top of his head Vietnam enters the life of a child to stay on, when herfather wakes up screaming in the night but we have to keep shooting. when her mother tries to calm him and can't. A B-40 tunnels into the dike and blows "Weasel" against me; Vietnam enters the life of a child he doesn't get the chance when she sees herfathers thousand yard stare to decide whether or not and knows he's somewhere else not here to give up and die. he's out somewhere stalking his prey his own soul. Now I'm crying and screaming, "Medic", Vietnam enters the life a child of but I have to keep shooting. when her father batters her mother in front of her eyes and she cries At this point, I always wake, for him because he cannot cry. and big, black Jerome, and little, white William, The life of the child enters the father my brothers and he finally becomes wise are not dying beside me, from seeing her now less innocent eyes. even though I can still smell their blood, Vietnam enters the life of a child even though I can still like some passed down genetic fix from herfather — see them lying there. an original sin latent with potentials of evil and good. You see, these two have been taking turns Vietnam enters the life of a child dying on me, when she asks her dad what did he do, again and again and again and he says I thought I sinnedfor you, dear for these twelve years. and all you meant to me. I thought 1 sinnedfor another child And still people tell me, very much like you a child called democracy. "Forget Nam". Vietnam enters the lifeblood a young country. of —David Connolly Vietnam enters the life of a child. Vietnam is with us always. By Mark S. Foley 55 "" " Thoughts on a Monsoon Morning Originally written after a memorial ser- vice for 59 troopers from F Troop, Second Squadron, of the 1 1th Armored Cavalry Regiment, who were killed in action or who died as a result of wounds they received when ambushed by an entrenched, numerically superior force, while on an operation in the Michelin Rubber Planta- tion, near Dau Tieng, Vietnam. After Hearing Hueys And A Cold, despite my blanket. Lonely, amongst my friends. Hunter In The Woods Wondering, with the things I've done can I ever make amends? His children urged him Sickened, by this needless waste. so he went walking Stoic, to those around. in the almost nude, Wondering, what will break me, late November woods, the next fight, or death, or sound? flashing, on what was a jungle Missing, those who love me. before the planes, Hoping, for the next month or so. that he walked through Wondering, how will I ever fit in with other children once, with people who just don t know? and still does some nights. Terrified, by the death grins. Afraid, III be one of the dead. He knew he would hear them Wondering, why did I ever think even before he did but that help. it wouldn't be as bad as they said? didn't The other noise, unconnected, Used, by the rich of my country. but inseparable to him, Duped, by those I looked up to. started also. Wondering, how can I tell those Not the innocuous who still wave the red, white, and blue? "KPOW that we used as children but the "KUSSSH" that killed, I hate every fucking one ofyou that lookedfor us who make dollars from our deaths. in woods like these. I hate every fucking one ofyou for my friends' dying breaths. He doesn 't know how many times his oldest said, "Dad, I hate every fucking one ofyou or how long the little one cried, banker of corporation head. as he ran, low and loping, I hate every fucking one ofyou dragging them along, for so many, so young, and dead. away from the danger in his mind. I hate every fucking one ofyou The older one, at ten, knew, with your pin-striped, dark blue suits. and him I hate every fucking one ofyou comforted for all those empty boots. as if he were her child. "It's OK, Dad, really. David Connolly The younger one, at seven, didn't know, but without his explanation said, "I was scared cause you were scared, but I warn 't scared ofyou, Dad. David Connolly 56 Cambodian Aftermath: Khao-I-Dang by Lisa M. Santa As a registered nurse, Barbara J. Beeghly, a biology major at UMass/Boston, has focused her attentions on pediatrics. Recently, through newspaper and maga- zine articles she became aware of the plight of the Cambodian people. These people have been forced to leave their homeland and relocate to Thai refugee camps where there are many malnourished children and unsanitary conditions. Beeghly was so disturbed by what she had read on the hor- rendous conditions of the Thai settlements that she decided to volunteer her services H.J. HccKhlv in order to care for the sick and malnourish- 3-4 ed. We had approximately physicians who kept very busy. The nurses also Beeghly, in her efforts, sought the aid of would be very busy with responsibilities the International Rescue Committee, a in teaching the Cam- bodian charity funded by donations from large cor- camp residents, who very much wanted porations and the government. This service to work in the medical facility. The nurses would teach them as many nursing procedures has established itself in countries such as as they could and create nurses out these in- Pakistan, Afghanistan, and Thailand where of dividuals. it provides health care services and educa- What we wanted to do was essentially work tional support for oppressed people. She, in ourselves out of a job and allow them to take effect, became a member of the organiza- over and take care of their own people because tion and in September 1980, she was sent we didn 't know how long we would be allowed to Khao-I-Dang, a holding center in to remain in that camp providing the care that Thailand for Cambodian refugees. This we provide . . . The best thing we could do was the beginning of a fifteen month stay. for the people that are there now is to teach them A few weeks ago, Beeghly discussed her everything that we know that will help them to experiences in Khao-I-Dang. The following But along with taking care of the maintain themselves in the integrity the society is a series of excerpts from an interview of patients . . . we were also teachers, and with Wavelength. that is in the camp. For the mostpart, one ofthe counselors; we were advocates for the Cambo- jobs of the American staff was to teach the On Her Duties dian people that were there, we wanted them to Khmer people how to take care of the situation I worked in an inpatientfacility with 40-50 resettle. We would go to the embassies and talk and how to prevent a lot ofthe health problems. patients aged newborn, premature babies up to with them, and submit them letters of recom- We worked 12-15 hour shifts and we got 16 years old. The problems were acute. They mendation. five days off every month in which we could were very sick children who would deserve to be The job was much more vast. It took on a leave the area. This allowed me time to collect in an intensive care unit here. public health perspective, it took on an inpa- myself and gather my resources together. My job was to carry out therapeutic tient perspective , and it took on counselling and One of the otherjobs that I had was to work measures to try and get them better. We had social work. It was a lot of different things. with the other areas in the camp . . . I also had physicians there, but not at night. As a nurse, I After I was there three months, I assumed to cooperate with a lot of the national groups was responsible for the patients and alterations the head nurse-administrative position with the that were there. I managed the pediatricfacili- in their care. I worked much like a practitioner pediatricfacility in the camp. Myjob expanded ty, but there was also an adult care facility, a which I was accustomed to work because I had and I was involved in clinical care and consul- tuberculous ward, a surgical ward, and an been working at Children s Hospital in an tant reponsibilities. I was responsible for the obstetrics ward where there would befive births I.C.U. Khmer staff and the American staff. a night. 57 . . . know it. It's very dehumanizing for them. unaccompanied minors and families, face Smuggling is a problem because there is not forced repatriation by the Thai at the end enough food in the camp and because people are of 1982 unless the U.S. policy will permit a not allowed to leave the camp. People resort to generous resettlement program for Cambo- the black market, sneaking out and bringing dians during this year." In 1981, the U.S. things into the camp at a very high price. That's took in a large number of Cambodian one of the reasons the soldiers are so quick to refugees and now officials from Immigra- open fire. They are trying to shoot these black tion and Naturalization feel that other coun- marketeers who are trying to make a profitfrom tries should open their doors to the the camp. Camobidans because of the evaporating The' Khmer people who work within the state of our economy. pediatrics ward want very much to leave the The Cambodians have applied for visas camp . But they don 't want to go back to Cam- in Australia, New Zealand, Japan, Canada, Sokhomal, a 22 year old Cambodian bodia because there is not enoughfood. They are and the U.S. But if they have little or no educated professionals with skills. they go skills, it is possible will sit the man whom Beeghly is sponsoring If they in back they will be questioned, theirphysicalper- holding centers for years or be forced to The Camp and the People son may be in great danger. return to Cambodia. Cambodians, who The Camp, Khao-l-Dang, had a very high The people within the camp have suffered have been lucky enough to emigrate, have greatly. They've lost or all their birth rate. Part of that had to do with the fact half of family done so with the help of family members through the experience starvation. that the people wanted to re-create because Pol Pot and already located in a new country or very in- They are not going to go back to a place where many of the mothers had lost anywhere between fluential friends. there two and six children during Pol Pot. (That is no food. Beeghly is sponsoring a 22 year old think what people need to realize is that lasted from 1975-1979, when Pol Pot was in I Cambodian man named Sokhomal and these people have not chosen to be refugees. control.) Families were broken andpeople were eventually she hopes he will come to the They 've been made refugees by U. S. politics and U.S. She has written to Senator massacred. The birth rate is very high because Kennedy world politics . . for help in getting his the people want to replenish their society. The Sokhomal and mother extricated through Immigration and other thing is that they're in a camp were there Afterthoughts Naturalization." The Senator has been sym- isn 't a lot to do. There isn i work for everybody Before I left I knew that there were problems pathetic and supportive, but he can't do a so they're going to spend more time together. within the camp and that I would be able to great deal. Recently, Beeghly has heard The women are another problem; their role help. But having gone over, I realized that it that Sokhomal and his mother have been is one of being a mother and a homemaker who takes much more than a simple touch of the sent to a processing center in France. She are dependent individuals. They acquire a hus- hand. The problem isn't so much medical as it is is pleased with this, but she would rather band between the ages of 15 and 20. They are political and social. see them here. raised with the thought that they shouldfind a . . . With 45, 000 people in a small, small The Cambodians are gentle, peace- man because he will take care ofthem . They are space, there has to be some sort of medical loving people who have valuable working not taught to think a lot. for the most part, the facility. But more than that, I realize that these skills. It is important that their cries of help camp population is 75 percent rural peasant people need a solution to their problems. They are heard by concerned citizens. Please and many of the women are illiterate. But this are locked in a camp with no place to go. This write or call your local congressional is not to say they are not intelligent. They are doesn't require medical people, it requires representative. Or write to one of the very intelligent . . . but the culturefeeds into this politics and people taking a humanitarian ap- establishments listed below. Your concern desire to have more and more children. proach to these individuals . . Overpopulation is a problem because one of I have many very dear friends within the will be appreciated. the things lacking in the camp is food. Protein camp, so I can't ignore the problem. It requires deficiency is a prevalent problem that affects the me to speak out and I have written letters to Mazzoli children. There are no fresh fruits, fresh various senators. Romano Chairman, House Sub-Committee on Im- vegetables or minerals. There are all kinds of I don't think the people here understand migration vitamin deficiencies . . . and many infections what the sitation is. I didn't realize what a Rm. 2246 because a malnourished child is susceptible to hardship life is for them until I had put myself Rayburn Building everything. in their situation and actualy stayed with them Washington, D.C. 20515 The situation in camp is one of not enough in the camp , ate their meals, slept on their beds, 1-202-225-5401 food, too many children, not enough work, and and saw the rats running up and down along no freedom because the Cambodians are not the houses . . allowed to leave the camp. If they go outside the People think of refugees as unintelligent, un- H. Eugene Douglas camp boundaries, there are Thai soldiers (who worthy individuals. They are in fact, some of U.S. Coordinator for Refugee Affairs guard the camp), who will kill them. If there the brightest, motivated, loving people I have Dept. of State (S/R) Rm. 7526 are people from Cambodia who are trying to ever met. When Ifirst arrived there, I though of 2201 C St. NW reunite with theirfamilies, they are endangering them as refugees, but it didn 't take longfor me to Washington, D.C. 20520 themselves by attempting to enter the camp . The see them as people, then as individuals, then as 1-202-632-3964 Thai guards will call warning and then shoot at people as close to me as my own family. them. Richard D. Vine Human rights don't exist within the camp. Director, Bureau for Refugee Programs The U.N. tries to protect thesepeople . . . but the According to the National Center for Dept. of State people are very much the victims ofpolitics and Genocide Studies, "95,000 Cambodian Washington, D.C. 20520 military power. They have no rights and they refugees currently in Thailand, including 1-202-632-5822 58 Workfare: An Issue at UMB by Charles Wardell make it without an education, but not any more." However, on October 13th, thousands of Massachusetts AFDC recipients ex- perienced what many considered a serious Kristan Baglcy threat to their future in the form of a pro- Phyllis Freeman posal submitted by Governor King to the federal government: "The Massachusetts Comprehensive Work and Training Pro- Public and Community Service (CPCS), gram," popularly known as "Workfare." The where approximately 30 per cent of the proposal, if enacted, would have resulted in students would have been forced to leave what its opponents vehemently referred to school in order to search for jobs. It was as "slavery" for about 60,000 Massachusetts estimated that one thousand students welfare recipients, most of them single would have been lost throughout the mothers. All AFDC recipients with university. Kristan Baglc children over six, or with children over two To insure cooperation, the proposal Diane Dujon for whom daycare was available, would contained measures its opponents charged have had to participate. "Failure to comply" were punitive. A recipient who did not — in individual In a corner of the room, in an alcove meant the loss of all benefits for the entire the opinion of her behind a small, portable blackboard, a family. caseworker — comply with the rules was young woman was sitting at a table. The The proposal had two parts. The first "sanctioned" for a specific period of time; breeze drifting in through the third floor consisted of an intensive six-week job meaning the entire family would have lost window of the sparse Park Square office search at a pre-determined site called a "Job all benefits. The first offense was hinted that winter's back had finally been Club." The regulations mandated that a punishable by a sanction of three months, broken. But what she was discussing — an participant spend some 40 hours per week the second by a sanction of six mqnths, the issue that, for many, had turned the winter calling potential employers and engaging in third by a sanction of one year. into a long, ongoing battle — was still very personal interviews. The first job offer had Theoretically, failure to comply could have much alive. to be accepted, provided it was at least included such things as refusal to cross refusing to The woman is Diane Dujon, a student minimum wage and conformed to picket lines during a strike and at UMass/Boston, mother of a three year- minimum health and safety standards. leave a three year-old child in an unlicensed old daughter, and a member of the Coali- If after a six week job search a partici- daycare situation. tion For Basic Human Needs (CBHN), an pant could not find a job, she would have Opposition to the proposal began to organization of welfare recipients who lob- been forced to work off her welfare grant in mount on many fronts, but the leader in the by for welfare reform. a non-profit organization. This was the fight was the CBHN. "We began a media The issue is Governor King's "workfare" stage of the program. blitz," said Dujon. Coalition members went "Workfare" plan, a controversial proposal Workfare outraged welfare recipients on talk shows, passed out leaflets and held which would force thousands of recipients for a number of reasons. First was daycare. demonstrations both at the State House of Aid to Families with Dependent Under the plan, the Welfare Department and the Welfare Department. They lob- Children (AFDC) into the workforce, intended to use other workfare mothers as bied legislators and talked to unions, creating an army of unskilled, minimum- baby-sitters. The possibility of their children ministers and priests, educators, and wage laborers. being placed in an unlicensed daycare situa- members of various non-profit organiza- Diane is typical of hundreds of students tion, under the supervision of an untrained tions, trying to get them to lobby against at UMass: welfare mothers who, unable to person upon whom the job of daycare the governor's proposal. "Finally," Dujon support families as single parents, return to supervisor would have been forced, was for said, "we developed a real network through school for an education which will permit many mothers the most objectionable part the state of people opposed to workfare." them to become financially independent of the proposal. UMass/Boston opposition was coor- and to get off the welfare rolls — for good. Another aspect of the plan which drew dinated by the Dean's office 3-d the Law clo the "Nobody wants to be on welfare," said heavy fire was the effect it would have had Center at CPCS, working with Dujon. But for many recipients, a lack of on those in higher education programs. CBHN during the entire oper i. Under essential skills (over half of all There was no provision for training people the direction of professor Ph Freeman Massachusetts welfare recipients lack a for jobs even though, economically, such a of the Law Center, students a acuity set high school diploma) effectively bar them provision would have made sense both for up counseling groups for students who from jobs that will pay enough to support a the state and the welfare recipients (see would have been affected by the proposal, family, making public assistance the only box). contacted various state lobbying groups, recourse. "There was a time," she said, The proposal was taken seriously at and set up a community education program "when — if you were good — you could UMass/Boston, especially at the College of to keep welfare recipients informed of their 59 Workfare: A Program With Serious Flaws? get people off welfare is by putting them to King's proposal doesn't take into ac- work. Certain types of training are offered count some very real problems of poor under the program, but only if absolutely women. Perhaps the plan could work for necessary and only if — in the judgement of men, but since poor women have, on the the Welfare Department — they are average, distinctly different problems than directed towards a "concrete employment men, and since at least 75 per cent of all goal." While this could be a boon for Massachusetts AFDC recipients are female business, providing an endless pool of pro- heads of households, the governor's solu- grammers and technicians to be gobbled up tion may be seriously flawed. by the Massachusetts high-technology in- Workfare's path to economic in- dustries, it could prove to a r > 9. be short-term dependence is through finding a job; any solution. As jobs are given over to automa- job. Often, this is precisely what a man will tion, the people who are trained for them need to get him back on his feet. For a Ginger Southern addressed the University could wind up back on the welfare rolls. woman, though, the story is often quite dif- Assembly concerning the work-fare issue Another serious question in the ferent. In the majority of marriage breakups workfare battle is cost-effectiveness. In it is the woman who finds herself in the that the woman with a college education other words, will the new proposal actually position of raising and supporting the usually earns less than the man who has save money or will it end up costing the children; in only 25 per cent of all divorce never finished high school, and that over state more than the present welfare system? cases does the father actually end up paying half of all AFDC recipients do not even Opponents of the proposal believe the lat- child support, meaning the mother ends up possess a high school diploma, the impor- ter, but the governor has persistently re- as the sole provider. Often, unable to sup- tance of education as a path to self- fused to subject his proposal to public port her children on what she can earn, she sufficiency becomes clear. scrutiny. In a March 8th report prepared by turns to the welfare system for help. The stated purpose of the governor's Professor Phyllis Freeman and three A 1978 study done by the Department proposal is to make AFDC recipients students at the CPCS Law Center it was of Commerce reported that the average "economically* independent." Nobody sfated, "We are prepared to present de- paycheck of a full-time working woman argues with this as a desirable goal. In fact, tailed testimony through noted experts that was only 59 per cent of what the average a measure giving workfare participants the this proposal, if implemented, is not at all man earned. Mean earnings for all female choice of attending college would be a big likely to be cost-effective." The same high school graduates was less than 7000 step towards achieving that goal. In the report referred to the governor's refusal of a dollars, while the minimum necessary to long run, the state would get back its public hearing as "precisely what we mean support a single parent and two children money in the form of higher taxes paid and by abuse of the public trust by the ex- (the average AFDC family) was approx- more productive workers. King The ad- ecutive branch of our government." imately 10,000 dollars: the typical yearly ministration chooses to ignore this, salary of a 1979 college graduate. Given however, and instead insists that the way to rights under the proposed regulations. In many fronts, Governor King agreed to give won a battle. addition, they worked individually with a in on certain points of the initial proposal. But though some hopeful concessions number of students who were reportedly In a February 1 1 news conference the had been won, there was (and still is) a long being harrassed by over enthusiastic case governor and other key state leaders an- way to go. For instance, although post-high workers. CPCS Dean Murray Frank held a nounced that an agreement had been school training, seen by the Welfare series of meetings with the Regents and reached on the Comprehensive Work and Department as leading towards "useful with representatives from the Welfare Training Program. The agreement stated employment," is one of the options, tradi- Department to discuss the issue- He that after the initial six week job search a tional higher education is not included in worked on building up a network between number of options would be made available that category (statistics show that, on the various universities and talked with the to recipients. The options included English average, a college education will more than State Human Services coordinator to com- As A Second Language training, High pay for itself in the long run). Opponents plain about the proposal from the point of School Equivalency, and up to two years of also charge that the regulations for verifying view of the college. "It was entirely because post-secondary training if it led to a "con- daycare availability are "ambiguous and of the college's efforts," said Frank, "that crete employment goal." Also under the punitive" and that no adequate provisions the Executive Office of Human Services new agreement, recipients already in school are made for children with special needs. and the Welfare Department were brought could not be forced into job search for at The workfare controversy will together to think about education." least 24 months, could not be used to cross doubtless continue for some time to come "This school was really set up for it," picket lines during a strike, and could not but the opposition is ready for a long siege. Dujon said. "The system here is made for be sanctioned for lack of adequate daycare. When asked to sum up what the coalition's students to work on just such issues. The Under the new proposal sanctions cannot goals were — what they would be satisfied framework was already here; we just be applied to the entire family; only the ac- with as a solution to the workfare situa- brought workfare into the classroom." tual offender may be punished by the loss tion — Dujon responded, "What we want is Because of massive opposition from of benefits. The opponents of workfare had the complete abolition of workfare." 60 Interview with Robert Corrigan and Murray Frank In a recent interview with WAVELENGTH, Chancellor Robert Cor- rigan and former CPCS Dean Murray Frank expressed their views on the new work and training program and its effects on public higher education in Massachusetts. The Chancellor's office has been at the forefront in addressing the workfare pro- posal. With the threatened loss of "several hundred students" and with a number of students having had "unfortunate conversa- workers, the Kristan Bagley tions" with their social Murray Frank Chancellor recognized the issue as one which demanded immediate attention by the university. "Our first responsibility," responsive" to the needs of disadvantaged more than paid for itself. said Corrigan, "was to alert students who students. Frank pointed out that the GI Bill had might be welfare recipients that there were Frank pointed out the traditional role of more to do with "democratizing education" counseling resources available on the cam- the public university in influencing public than anything that had ever happened pus and that we were concerned." In some decision-making as one of "studying the im- before. He said it was, for many, the "port cases, especially in those where the welfare plications of and helping in the formation of of entry into professional careers. It proved worker was being a little too "enthusiastic" public policy through research and that working-class and even below in enforcing the not-yet-in-effect regula- information-gathering." working-class people could get into the tions, both the Chancellor's office and the When asked why AFDC recipients mainstream. People got into professional Dean's office had to intervene personally should be permitted to continue in a stan- careers who not only would not have been on the part of the student. dard, 4-year program the Chancellor able to, but for whom the general percep- Frank said the university was "primarily parallelled the situation with the implemen- tion was that they shouldn't be able to." responsible" for insuring that students in tation of the GI Bill after WWII. "One of Both Frank and Corrigan felt that the four year institutions were the most significant things that happened in benefits realized by the GI Bill would be "blanketed-in" — given waivers for the re- the 20th century, with regards to educa- comparable to those of an educational com- mainder of their current semester before tion," Corrigan said, "was that a whole new ponent of the current workfare proposal. being required to report for job search. He group of people became part of an educated The Chancellor expressed a hope that said the next step was to get students workforce as a result of the GI Bill. And the outcome of the present fight would be blanketed-in through their entire four here we have, we think, several hundred "an understanding on the part of the people years, then to get a college degree recog- welfare mothers on our campus who are in Human Services that one of the best in- nized as leading towards useful employ- breaking the cycle of public assistance, who vestments that they can make, both in peo- ment. if they graduate will presumably take full- ple and in the future of the Com- The Chancellor said that the primary time jobs and not only get off welfare, but monwealth, is to allow welfare students to responsibility of UMass/Boston as an in- begin to contribute to the tax base." He also continue in legitimate four-year degree pro- stitution was to "do what we can to define emphasized that in terms of taxes grams." policy such that it is more humane and generated by higher salaries, the GI Bill had Corrigan said the university has an # obligation to bring into it "as much of an economic cross-section that it can." If workfare is implemented, he said, "The university will lose a certain kind of student that it's chartered to serve. It would affect not so much the quality of UMass/Boston as its tone, and would threaten its place as a service institution to the community." The Chancellor indicated that his office would remain active in the issue. "We'll continue," he said, "to whatever point there's still the possibility of change, to con- V structively push for that kind of change." Kristan Bagk' Robert Corrigan 61 Attention ARTISTS PHOTOGRAPHERS WRITERS We need your help and submissions for Wavelength's Summer and Fall issues. Hone your critical abilities by becoming a literary, news, photographic or arts editor. Submit your creative impulses and sublima- tions and watch them leap from the page: we need poetry, art, photos, essays, articles. Submissions should be addressed to: Wavelength 010/6/091, Harbor Campus, UMass/Boston, Dor- chester, Mass. 02125 — ext. 2609. Please include a self-addressed stamped envelope. POSITIONS Photo Editor, Art Editor, Production Manager, Literary Editor, News Editor, Business Manager: work study (summer and/or fall), Sales Person: to sell ads on a 30 per cent commission basis. Writing as Women WRITING AS WOMEN Table of Contents Introduction Silences Beth Bagley Blackwashing Kayla Kirsch Pushy Aggressive Woman: the evolution of a poem Dorothy Dwyer Writing Proficiency Deb Whippen The Block Catherine Walsh Grandmother Barbara G/'roux Hi Grumps Deb Whippen Soul Lexicon Francine La Terza Diving Mary McAlister I Stand Naked Patricia Smock Anger into Action Pam Claser Taking Each Other Seriously Patricia Smock In the Tub Mary Price Encounter Elizabeth Burns Unfinished Business Judy Bousquin On Taking Women Students Seriously Maryellen Sullivan The Dance Joyce Wermont Cezanne/Stein: a found poem Wendy Bembery Disarmed Kayla Kirsch I Am Marilyn Stern Nancy Antoine Dorothy Dwyer Philodendronjudy Bousquin Words Marilyn Stern The collective of women students who worked on this anthology: Beth Bagley Judy Bousquin Allison Hurley Patricia Smock Mary McAlister Nancy Antoine Joyce Wermont Kayla Kirsch Deb Whippen Francine La Terza With thanks to Wavelength's staff, Joanne Kenney, Karen McDonald and Laura L. Montgomery. Special thanks to Pam Annas. The collective of students who compiled this anthology of writing from their class wish to be responsible for any feed- back on the section whether negative or positive. All correspondences should be left in the Women's Center mailbox in the SAC office 010/4/181. photo by Richard Avedon page 10 page 1 UsuutLng on, Women cover graphic by Francine La Terza Introduction Fall 1981 was the first semester our differences and talked about that the English class "Writing As what it meant to be silent. We talk- Women" was held at ed about words, their distortions of UMass/Boston. The class was com- meanings, and explored the posed of approximately twenty-two feminist principle of renaming women students, and was put ourselves and reclaiming, together and facilitated by Pro- reconstructing, our language as fessor Pamela Annas. The focus of women, as readers, as writers. We the class was to explore and pursue wrote and shared our writing with the issues surrounding the relation- the class; we rewrote and shared ship of writing and language about that as well. women and by women. Each in- This anthology represents much dividual student's personal ex- of what we, the students of the periences withxwriting and "Writing As Women" class, learn- language, as authors and readers, ed, felt, and accomplished was brought forth and shared with throughout the fall 1981 semester. the class. Through this process we It is not intended to be represen- not only learned from each other, tative of the totality of our ex- but we also grew together in our periences, as that would be im- ongoing struggles as women possible to duplicate. However, as writers. we collected our individual submis- We began our class by reading sions to this publication, we the essay "Taking Women Students discovered that much of our ex- Seriously" by Adrienne Rich. perience in the class process was Discussion focused on sharing our reflected in our writings. The personal feelings about our rela- W&& pieces touch on many of our per- tionships to language. We talked sonal experiences as women. They . about why we write, and how we talk about our relationship to have been responded to as women language and the input we have as writers. graphic by Judy Bousquin women into that language." Some We also talked about the of the pieces explore our female politics of the English language sensuality as reflected in words; itself, how much of what is seen as others discuss our personal legacies "good" writing denies the value of Looking at the politics of as individual women. At least two • our voices and experiences as language in relation to our varied selections offer a social commen- women. Examples of our exclusion identities as women led the class to tary developed through a woman's from traditionally valued writing develop insights into our individual voice. The "I Am" poems explore were said to include the approaches and aims for writing. the process of viewing ourselves as public/private distinction. Much of Members of the class shared their different women with identities to women's lives has centered in the negative, as well as positive, ex- share. private sphere of the home, which periences in writing. We discussed, This anthology touches upon has traditionally not been seen as discovered, and redefined the our individual and varied relation- "important". Our experiences as phrase "writer's block." We ships to language as women; it working-class women, as women of developed writing support groups represents much of what we have color, as mothers, as wives, as les- within the class that worked well learned together as a class; it is a bians, as single women, and as for some and not as well for sampling of our voices. We are daughters, are denied, minimized, others. During the semester, some publishing what we feel is or erased in what is traditionally of us in the class voiced anger at valuable: our feelings, our seen as "good" writing, as "impor- ourselves, and some of us voiced thoughts, our experiences, our tant" writing. anger at our classmates. We aired pasts, our identities, our words. page 2 OJ/Utlng brought acceptance. It was better to sit silently while inside my head I kept up a chatter of my real thoughts and feelings. Silent children have imaginary play- mates, keep diaries and can sometimes almost forget to verbalize emotions. A parallel between acceptance and si- photo by Kola KajucH lence began and often when I speak now I'm still untangling the associations. I learned to read by making associa- tions. I remember exercises where you had to circle words that went with "policeman" or "nurse." When I think of this I become sure that language is tied to the role we play and the role that others put us in. In my family I was always the "quiet one" and now this is still true. When I'm at a family party I feel like a cat tied in a burlap sack - arms and legs kicking against the sack"because of language. I always used to be the first one to get up and do the dishes; scraping off plates and pans in the kitchen, I'd let everyone else talk. Now I don't do that but I sit on the edge of the sofa and feel uncomfortable. I make little jokes as if I can't be taken seriously. I become angry and say awkward things and then I sulk. I think I should go do the dishes, wash glasses, stick a sponge in my mouth. If role definition reflects language, then I think it is true that women are often "nurses" even in language. In a quietly. assertion Anger and became small group situation I sometimes find very mixed up with language because myself trying to make 'fences,' that is, being ' 'nice" was a matter of survival. At make connections between people such school when I was young the nuns used as you know so-and-so or you think that Silences to line up all the girls and measure our too. Or when a conversation becomes skirt lengths. To not show your knees heated I try to change the topic or twist by Beth Bagley was an obvious task of survival, but it until the two people can seem to something more subtle was done to our agree on Welfare though they don't Silence makes as much clatter as language as girls -it was pinned, agree at all. Disagreement makes me are I that conversation to me. It seems that this is measured and trimmed of anger. I nervous and think women ruffles' in true for many women: kept perennial notice now that often when I'm angry I often taught to 'smooth the children by sexism, many of us still are "seen but not heard." This state of "/ noticed now that often when I'm angry I smile; the silence is like being locked inside a piano; chords and strings are there to corners of my mouth turn up instinctively. Though I'm play but our fingers are frozen and the furious, I keep the same smile that was plastered across the cover is tightly shut. The cover stays faces of my dolls. Even if I threw them across the room or down because of stage fright and because the piano player is expected to left them in the cold all night they always smiled." stay in shadows and never drown out the trumpet player. The cover stays shut smile; the corners of my mouth turn up At a party a man is allowed to be because we fear we might make a instinctively. Though I'm furious, I seem obstinate or opinionated while the mistake and miss a note or that what we to keep the same smile that was woman travels behind and picks up the play will not be accepted. For many plastered across the faces of my dolls. pieces along with the empty drink women, silence is weighed with har- Even if I threw them across the room or glasses. Women can become invisible, mony: if we stay silent there's no left them in the cold all night they apologetic mediators. discord never to always smiled. and we need show our When I'm angry I can Women are also identified as match- anger. However, there comes a point feel the cotton stitches of my smile. makers, fortune-tellers and witches: the slide, when the music sheets the keys What would happen if I spit out all emotional aspects are under our do- become yellow and the silence be- that cotton and cloth underneath my main. This can be both positive and too tired being smile? comes loud — we get of Rejection. That's what I believed negative. For one thing, there's all that so hushed and locked in silence. as a child. All the best girls in my home responsibility. A positive factor might be " My mother always said, If you can't and my class were quiet, so I strove for that women are often able to form say something nice, don't say anything the "low, modulated tones" described continued on page 17 at all." Therefore I spent half of the time in all the novels I read. I was an angry being nice and the other half seething talk, to be magicians with social skills. page. 3 WiVLing oi Women tions, we "Blackwashed" ourselves. We tried to paint ourselves Black and obliterate our "Whiteness' when we spoke to these dynamic women. In our effort to climb over a huge wall that divided Black and White, we tried to strip ourselves of our white skin. But not everything that is associated with being White is "bad". Defining parts of ourselves as "good" or "bad" is too dichotomous, and polarized; this kind of thinking is too simple. All of us need to examine our own cultural roots and upbringing, taking with us those parts that seem useful and discarding what feels oppressive. Somehow, we've got to come to terms with the color of our own skin in order to look beyond it and see other people as more than a Color. By mid-day, after chautteuring "Sweet Honey in the Rock" back and forth from the theatre to the hotel, I became frightened, disgusted, and total- ly conscious of the deifying, the trying- to-please, the stereotyping, and the self- abandonment that plagued myself and other White women. I wondered how we could overcome our distorted assumptions about each other (as Blacks, Whites, women, celebrities, workers) in order to develop a deeper kind of communication. Blackwashing And then I remembered what I had learned when I traveled for a year and by Kayla Kirsch became friends with many different kinds of people: music and humor were silently, you like It wasn't until we were driving to the she asked them "Do Universal languages. The sound of our me, am I Politically Correct, will you Strand Theatre that I realized I was try- voices blending, both in harmony and in ing to talk like them. "Where dy'all care about me, have I proven my worth dissonance, had once created a feeling forgot to say "hello", grow up?" I asked the all-Black to you now?", she of safety. Singing and laughing had women's band called "Sweet Honey in to look into their eyes and smile, or to allowed us to share our commonalities their presence. the Rock" as I chauffeured them to their warmly acknowledge as well as our differences. rehearsal. "I hear that!" I nodded as the Instead, both Janet and I tried to It was only after I let go of my guilt singer Bernice Reagan discussed grow- comunicate with the band members by and my illusions of the band members ing up poor in Georgia. "Say waht?" I focusing completely on the color and as Movie Stars-Ghetto Kids-Black God- asked as I shifted back to my New York culture of their skin. But in the process desses that any kind of genuine com- street talk. of revering these Celebrities and prais- munication occurred. We sang "Old Inside the theatre, Janet*, the ing their Blackness, we abandoned our Cape Cod" on our way to the Strand for freelance photographer, whisked the own selves and cultural heritage. the final performance. We joked about band into a corner and took out her Perhaps our behavior stemmed from the being neurotic vegetarians. With our photographs. Before they could open guilt and fear attached to being per- mouths, hands, and feet, we improvised their mouths, she waved her arms in the ceived as White Oppressors. Although an African beat on the way back to the air and her pictures babbled about of Janet and I (and the many other White hotel. When we weren't trying to com- children in Atlanta, Black Solidarity women who were involved with the pensate for our differences by hiding Day, and Native American prisoners. As concert production) had good inten- them, then we could even enjoy the silences. *for the purposes of this article, I have changed her name. It is not my intention to make personal accusations, but rather, to explain a subtle form of racism by using "Janet" as an example. photo* by Kola. KlnAch pa.QZ 4 WsuJUng cu> Wom&n . Pushy Aggressive Woman: The Evolution of a Poem by Dorothy Dwyer ' You're not going to call, are you? I scared you away. I thought you liked "Pushy, Aggressive" women but you also said that I couldn't depend on you. I accept that. Oh, you're driving me nuts! I wish I could think of some words to describe how I feel. Call me! No, don't call. No, call me! Please call. Just say "hi". No, that's too possessive. I don't want to be POSSESSIVE. She was possessive and you're not with her anymore because she didn't give you enough space. You've got such beautiful clear sky blue eyes, like a fresh water pond. Mine are hazel puddle water eyes which change with the weather but never clear, never dry up. I want you to put your arms around my wajst and just hold me. Don't do anything but let me feel you breathe and your beard in against my forehead. Let me feel the whiteness of your face with my eyes and hear the contentment of your body with my hands. But I'm never going to get to do any of those things, because you're never going to call. I'm never going You're not going to call, are you? I scared you away. to see you again because you're scared of me and I never meant to scare you. I thought you liked "pushy, I thought I was the one who was scared. aggresive" women You also said that I couldn't depend on you. I accept that. CALL ME!!! no, don't call me No, call me. Please call, just say "Hi". You've got such beautiful, clear, sky- blue eyes, like a fresh water pond in the mountains. Mine are hazel puddle water eyes at the curb of a busy city street. You're never going to call. I'm never going to see you again. I never meant to scare you. I thought I was the one who was scared. You're not going to call, are you? fCct6c.fr ii photo by KaZa I scared you away. Aggressive" women. I thought you liked "Pushy, you. You also said I couldn't depend on I accept that. Call me! No, don't call me. No, call me! Please call, just say "Hi". No, that's too possessive. "She" was possessive, and you're not with her anymore. You've got such beautiful clear sky blue eyes, like a fresh water pond in the wilderness. Mine are hazel puddle water eyes which change with the weather, but never clear. Put your arms around my waist and just hold me. Let me feel your breath. Your beard against my forehead. Let me feel the whiteness of your face with my eyes and the contentment of your body with my hands. But, I'm never going to get to do any of those things, because you're never going to call. I'm never going to see you again because you're scared of me. I never meant to scare you. page. 5 W/uXing cu> idomnn I thought I was the one who was scared. about the "Nine Elements of Writing Proficiency." The Nine Elements are Writing considered by the authors of the pam- phlet to be essential to "good, clear ex- pository writing." i was only worried Proficiency about four of them: 5) Focus on the intellectual is- sues in the question and avoid irrele- by Deb Whippen vant digression into personal reminiscence or anecdote. i believe that the Writing Proficiency 7) Use appropriate language University Exam at the of Massachusetts 8) Use sentences with enough at Boston measures a student's ability to length and complexity to handle the deal with a stressful situation more than subject matter and enough variety to her ability to write, i believe that the ex- hold the reader's attention am is an institutionalized shut-out valve 9) Abide by the rules of grammar for students who do not represent tradi- and spelling tionally valued status to the University, i These four phrases indicate an at- feel that the actual experience of taking titude towards writing which i do not the exam is alienating and stressful, and share; that writing is "good" if it that students gain little from the ordeal, separated from personal experience; that regardless of whether or not they pass it. i am not the judge of the appropriateness i reached these conclusions through talk- of my own language, and therefore ing about the exam to other students and language is not my own. How long does professors, and from experience in my a sentence have to be to be long enough taking the exam. to handle the subject? Accepting that the i am a transfer student at word "rule" means "governing power", i transferred with UMass/Boston. 63 or perhaps, an "authoritative direction credits and am now finishing my second 7 1» for conduct", i feel that "abiding by" or semester at the University. Last summer, "tolerating" or "conforming to" tradi- after filling out forms for my financial tional notions of grammar and spelling, aid, after typing up letters getting credits when those notions are not part of my transferred to major, after appealing my voice, means that my writing does not a rejection of my loan application which represent my interests, but rather the in- error, i was caused by a computer re- terests of those who govern. ceived a letter from the university stating i was particularly worried about my that i had been automatically withdrawn i's; they're small and uncapitalized and school. from I've been using them for years. They do This did not make me happy, i was not abide by the "rules" of grammar and even less happy to find out why. As a spelling, i had to remember to use big i's transfer student with over 60 credits, i m (I), which are large and weighty and get taken the was supposed to have exam in the way of what i'm thinking about. before the beginning of my second If i did not pass the Writing Proficien- semester, i didn't because i didn't know cy Exam, i would not be allowed to take that the cut-off point was 55 credits; i m any more classes at UMass until i did thought that i had to take the exam pass. Actually, i could take one: Fun- sometime before i graduated. damental Skills 044. However, if i took After a telephone call to the Office of less than four classes, i would carry fewer Academic Support, i wrote two letters: than twelve credits and my financial aid one to a woman who could grant me an would be discontinued. It is very difficult extension in which to take the exam, and to get back on financial aid once it has another to the Registrar's office asking been discontinued. that my transcripts be sent to the woman i cannot attend school without finan- so she could see that i was a ''serious" cial aid. student. During the exam i spit back the Luckily, i am a "serious" student, or words i thought my "reader" would so it seems on paper. If i wasn't, who want to see on the paper, and hoped knows where i'd be now. that my estimate was more or less cor- i finally did take the exam, i waited in rect. Ten minutes into the exam, a a long line, had my I.D. checked to "Ten minutes into the ex- woman in front of me began to sob loud- make sure i was who i am, and was herd- ly, i could not talk to her because it ed into a large auditorium. We could am, a woman in front of me might loqk as though i was cheating. She write about one of three subjects: U.S. began to sob loudly. I could sobbed for the entire two hours, i felt as Immigration Laws, Nuclear Bombs, or though she personified my creativity and the Effect of Television on Children. not talk to her because it spirit. None of these subjects were particularly might look as though I was i finished the exam, went home ex- inspiring to my muse, and i opted for TV cheating. She sobbed for the hausted and relieved, and received a since at least it was in my immediate form letter the following week stating range of experience. entire two hours. I felt as that i had passed the exam. i had read the pamphlet put out by though she personified continued on page 7 the Office of Academic Support about my the Writing Proficiency Exam, so i knew creativity and spirit." page. 6 Wsvittng aui Women . dreds were reactions to an overall Writing Proficiency continued strategy of the University: weed out the / never saw my words about how undesirables (undesirables being defined television affects children again. as those without privilege). Then again, they weren't my words. The pamphlet about the exam says: In preparing for this paper, i inter- The writing requirement is part of a viewed a tutor for those students who fail general effort to improve the educa- the exam (or are failed by the examiner). tion offered by the college . . Sue (not her real name; she values her i would substitute for the word "im- job) said that my experience with the ex- prove" a new and more accurate word, am was not uncommon. She said that "eliten" — eliten refers to the process of she views the exam as the University's at- making something become elite. tempt to upgrade the school's "caliber"; Many undesirables are able to to weed out those students who are the "pass" on the exam, and since i am one most oppressed, and therefore least the of them perhaps i could discern who the valuable: english-as-a-second language others are, and then we could bond students, working class students, together on campus and claim our students of color, women students. education as our own. For, though i may i realized, from talking with Sue, that be able to handle an alienating and my story and feelings about the Writing stressful situation such as the Writing Proficiency Exam were, are, and indeed Proficiency Exam, i still need to learn valuable, i also realized that my story about words and writing — something ^ "'////{?/ was one of hundreds, and that the hun- the exam is not about. //j//ftf$f0$$$ The Block by Catherine Walsh There is nothing as.discouraging to a secretly aspiring writer like myself as botching up a paper, especially when the paper is a final exam. After having worked diligently all semester, after making many sacrifices, including fore- going much needed sleep, the feeling of inadequacy generated by such a catas- trophe is overwhelming. Such was my experience during a recent exam. For one whole hour I sat semi- mummified, unable to get started with my business. It was as if a hostile force had invaded me. As I read each ques- tion, ideas and possiblities flashed across my mind. But I was not able to really think. I was not in control. Only ripples of thoughts waved across the sea of my mind. Ripples that never carried enough volume or force to produce a full fledged, legitimate, or weighty idea that could pick up enough momentum and power to engulf everything in its track into one beautiful, bold, sweeping wave. I did not know then that there is a label for my dilemma. It is the Block. I will try to describe the brutal Block in more detail. My mind becomes a bat- tle ground, a chaotic muddle, instead of being an organized file where informa- tion is released at the press of a thought. It is football season. One stout idea stands up to assert itself and go for the ball, but before it takes aim it is slapped in the mouth, punched in the teeth, kicked in the shins and goes sprawling in the mud. A bigger burlier thought tries to make its mark only to meet with continued on page 8 page. 7 W/voting oa> Women graphic, by Nancy undisputed domain. children continued from page 7 own My have always been aware of this setup the same violence from the unruly mob. without ever having been told. Well, to it all. I The result is a bloody Irish brawl. I sat heck with will never strive to be there wondering if my dilemma has like my friend Phyliss. I would rather be something to do with my inheritance. a plumber any day. Well, I must write Maybe my genes were for too long soak- something. I cannot hand in a blank this teacher expect so ed in Irish whiskey. Maybe I should play book. How could football and give up trying to write. much? We never gave her reason to. I watched my colleagues. Almost everyone seemed to have a dose of the Block. Several looked out the window as if they were looking for assurance from the clear blue sky and the cool soothing water in the bay that they were still on earth, flesh and blood. -In a short time they would breathe again the salty sea air, tread in the friendly dirt, and crush the supple green grass underfoot. Writing Blocks Some students left the room. I had a strong urge to get up and go home. But I —compiled by English 216: Writing as Women did not. I just sat there filled with dread speech vs. silence fall 1981 Pam Annas as if I had been launched upon a reluc- criticism/judgement tant journey, like leaving home for perfectionism school after the holidays, in days gone authority by. I tried to lecture myself on how freezing (at exams or other "crisis" points) senseless and childish my attitude was. I procrastination tried to recall the many successful ex- writing anxiety ams I had taken in the past. But it was no depression and numbness use. My mind was like a March sky self worth wracked and tattered by the wanton what is my relation to my creativity wind that belched great clouds across organizing material/clarity and coherence my face, smashing and toppling against confidence each other, choking out light and the mechanics of writing reason. ' 'creative" writing vs. essays Half an hour had passed. To my left, when the subject matter is alien Patricia had already written pages and fear of intimacy/fear of communication seemed as much at ease as if she were taking risks/fear of success writing a letter to her mother. To my will the writing be any good/fear of failure right, Dennis, who never took a note in fear of my power/energy class, was busy writing while I, who had fear of my anger taken volumes, sat there sweating gum- fear of knowing myself; what will happen if I realize who I am and what I in- drops. I was overcome by a feeling of want; what changes will I have to make in my life? adequacy. I might as well admit the alienation from language itself: it doesn't belong to me, it isn't real to me, it facts: I could not rise to the occasion. isn't me "This is where they separate the men the question of audience or commmunity: hostility from the boys," as the saying goes. Oh indifference how I loathe myself. My husband will support, nurturance, love say if I tell him, but I will not, "I told you what is my voice so. You are wasting your time in a "objectivity" vs. "subjectivity" Liberal Arts program." Maybe he is conforming to what's expected right. After all, he usually is. The idea of fear of being trivialized making a career by the power of my pen fear that I can't write the way they want me to or I refuse to write the is a high flight into fancy. If I had any way they want me to sense I would go to Northeast Regional the tyranny of structurelessness and become a plumber or a carpenter, empty words and sentences - blah blah as he has so often suggested. fear of being boring Why can't I be like my friend Phyliss dumb and find happiness living in a sterile insignificant house? Her image comes before me: she ridiculous stood there with a gallon jug of clorox in not liked one hand and a scrubbing brush in the fear of being particular and specific, therefore committing oneself on paper other as she opened the door for me a in language week ago. Later, as we were having a public vs. private writing/kinds of writing I feel comfortable with cup of tea, she almost became hysterical writing vs. talking when she spotted a little spider climbing the need to be in control/the fear that one is not behind the chair. I tried to calm her. She sloppy writing shrieked that she could not stand self consciousness and embarrassment anything that was alive. After hearing a sense of class/race/gender nonprivilege that, I did not have me guts to tell her that in my house the spiders have their page 8 if} Jilting a6 Womzn o Hi Grumps! by Deb Whippen "Hi Grumps!" " Deb!" he says and i know that he is glad to see me. He is laying on the bed beneath a small, droning television that PS hangs from the ceiling. Tubes of yellow, brown, and green liquid crawl from under his blanket and curl up a thin metallic pole where they are fed drips from plastic bags. His left arm moves in a welcoming motion aginst the weight s. of a flat board that holds his intravenous lines in place. "What happened today Grumps?" i say. i sit in the empty chair beside him. My eyes watch his eyes. We are alone for our hour together, the hour that we claim everyday as special, the hour before the family will start arriving in ones and twos. They will enter the room Grandmother and look away from him, they will not let him speak of being sick, they will pretend that the outside world has stopped, that he is not missing a thing. '95, Emma was born in He tells me of the X— rays he had But now she's not alive — she's dead. taken, of the new doctor that came by, A dark grave holds her still — always will, of the nurse that made him laugh. He Death is forever they say. says that he is scared and that maybe they will let him eat something soon. A child and mother at eighteen, And then he will say: A woman alone and torn between "So what's on tonight's agenda Deb?" her son and the need to survive. i will tell him where i will go, who i They took him away - will see, what i will read. My i's become So folks tell me. a we, and we discuss our homework from the night classes i attend, how to From Quebec to the Lawrence textile mills, get rid of the mice in my apartment, i share What dreams did she lose along the way? with him a past i never knew: why he Work was a ten-hour day. quit college in 1921, why he took a job For twenty-five years of her life, in Chelsea city hall instead of working poverty, work and strife, with his brother at Whippen's Ice Cream They gave her a pin which reads: in Cambridge, how bad he felt when he "Service Wins Favor." sold the house on the lake in New It took her sight away. Hampshire because Nana hated the drive. He tells me why it is important Did she love me? that i study, that i write, because i am a She never held me, Whippen and that our life is wasted But knew I was there. when we stop listening to ourselves and Did she care? our needs. I don't know. We grow together, love each other, French honour and pride share our lives for over two months, one Would not allow such hour a day, in his hospital room, i watch expressions. his eyes as i tell him, ask him, that i am going to New York City. He says yes, go, Now she's safe in her pit. have a good time and remember Her rage against blindness done. everything. My last night in New York i call my friend, she says my grandfather Did she ever love anyone? died four days ago, i missed the wake Yes, for I am her grand-daughter, and funeral. Her blood in my veins. Since that time i have continued to Heritage of a fighter, write and to study, i have decided to keep of a sufferagette, my last name of Whippen. My muse is I can't forget, myself and my past, my grandfather that all I am, whose i's became a we, who reminds or hope to be, me in memory never to stop listening to lies in that dead, proud Body. myself and to always remember. page. 9 ()Jom2.n WsuXing a6 by Barbara Ciroux I am a paper doll Diving popping the perforated dotted lines. I am a Vacuum sucking in air. by Mary McAlister I am a pack of index cards; i people pick my brain. silky Why blue, I wonder, freeing I am a sheet of erasablepaper strands of her long black hair caught smudged and illegible. between my lips and lashes. Leaning on I am the five foot T square one elbow, gently disentangling in this used to order the universe. dark room, lit only by the glow of I am the focal lens streetlight through window shades on a handheld camera. I above the bed, I wonder why am I am the hole in a sock seeing a cloud o^ blue sparks. Settling enlarging with every toe poke. back, belly around the curve of her I am a taperecorder hip, burrowing into her cradling stuck on fast forward. « drift into shoulder, I let my mind down I am a declawed calico cat § my blue vision. pawing all I see. « The color intensifies. My vision en- I am a satin-skinned blue tulip. v compasses blue sky and blue water I am part of a live 3D puzzle .E meeting in a fringe of dark green pines, manipulated by many hands. c small in the distance. I am suspended I am newformed dough £ over water, sitting on gray weathered clinging to the rolling pin. boards; my thin tanned legs squeezing I am anise saturating cookies. together, my feet dangling above the I am the reflection of light water. My hands touch and my ex- on crinkled aluminum foil. Soul Lexicon tended arms form a V against the sky. On this night, this first time loving a in woman, I have recalled the day my childhood when I learned how to dive. All that summer I had been watching the divers cleanly slice the water with a grace and power I longed for. I loved the moment when, ap- proaching the dock's edge, they threw up their arms before bringing them down and out into the final forward arch that carried their bodies out, over, and into the water. The inevitability with which the entire fluid motion followed that first gesture thrilled me. I wanted to dive so badly I did not believe I could. I made my first dive sit- ting on the edge of the dock, bent for- ward, back curled, fingers pointing into the water. Throughout the morning lessons I had sat like this, on the crowded dock. All I needed was to let go, a small act of will; I couldn't do it. I did not fear the water; I loved it, trusted it, felt more secure in its dense support than on land. But I was ter- rified of making this headfirst plunge. In the afternoon I returned alone to the pond and sat one long hour on the dock's edge. The sun's heat prickled my scalp, my arms were numb. I would not dive and I would not quit that, mysterious obsidian; I peered laughed and laughed again to see my trying. deeply. joy bubble and rush to the surface. I I sat, waiting and staring. I slipped. I had looked too long into turned somersaults, dipping down I could look up at the sky through the black spaces behind the shifting again and again into the dark water's my scissored arms; it was a suspicious planes of light, they were the same depths. I lay below the surface blue, too intense; an opaque shield un- black as my lover's eyes, and then, as laughing at my fresh vision of a world til, as I stared closely into it, it began to on this night, I had been drawn in. A changed by my submersion. I was throb. Looking out across the water small, splintery motion unhitched my euphoric, overflowing with delight as I was a relief. It was a clear blue at the seat from the warm boards and I fell bobbed up breathless, clinging weakly surface that deepened in the distance through a moment my fear extended. to the dock's edge. where the sun sparkled. Beneath me Neither my fear nor my longing had A light touch recalled me to the the water was several shades mingled prepared me for the ease of this gentle present; the woman I am lying with is in subtle, shifting patterns. It was gray reception, the delicious coolness on my asking me why I am laughing. where the rippling surface created sun parched body; the light rippling shadow, green where the sun sent caress, how closely the water hugged page. 10 WnJjtiviQ cu> Women shafts of golden particles and, beyond me, how perfectly we fit together. I I Stand Naked by Patricia Smock I stand naked in front of my bedroom mirror, looking at my large whiteness. Once only viewed critically, I now appraise my body lovingly. I am strong, sturdy and built like a cello. The image before me in the mirror is familiar, yet at the same time new and exciting. The warm familiarity of myself floods me. The touch, smell, and taste of myself are the sensations of my first and lifetime lover. My hips are sleek and hairless. They are the rounded back of some sea creature diving and swimming. Perhaps a porpoise with just the arc of its back visible as it speeds through the water. But the visual smoothness is a ruse that masks the prickly almost invisible hairs covering my thighs and ass. I rub them in one direction, and they are the hairs of a newborn's head. I rub them in the opposite direction, and they become the uncomfortable stubble of a just shaved leg. I move my palms in- ward from my thighs, across to my belly. While slowly moving my hands inward, I also turn them over, palms outward. The softness of my belly against the roughness of the backs of my hands, the warmth of my belly caressed by the coolness of my hands are wonderful contrasts of sensation. I am at once touched and feeling. I first stroke downward following the orderly but blurred line of my belly hairs. Hairs that cover a slightly indented vertical division of my belly into halves beginning at my belly button and ending among my pubic hairs. I love my belly button. It is the one mark on my body that reminds me that I came from, and was connected to, another woman. My hand is seduced further down my belly by the hair line. It is the wispy fur of dandelions gone to seed. The dark confusion of my pubic hairs waits. Dark confusion, I smile at the absurd implied sinister connotations of this image. Thoughtlessly, I begin methodically and completely scratching the entire of my pubic area. Thus totally charming myself with my own mirrored crude crotch- scratching self. Lastly, I explore my breasts. I've watched my breasts form and grow over the years, sometimes I have felt detached about them. Me, their casual observer. I've seen these once pink, light, tight, seemingly milkless and glandless, scared, bound, naive, shy breasts age into my fuller, prouder woman's breasts. And, saggier, the years of bralessness having freed and loosened their form. I trace with both my eyes any my index finger the white-blue lines, stretchmarks, that run from the wide base of my breasts into my nipples. They stand in like missing veins, or empty riverbeds. I lick my index finger and my thumb, and roll my nipple between them. The first rush of wet warmth is quickly replaced by a thrill of cold-aired dampness. My nipple and the brown circle-color surrounding it pucker in response. The brown of color tightens to sunbaked mud cracks. page. 7 7 W/uXlyicj aA Women tached to rape, and the humiliation that women face in court, it is estimated that only one out of every ten rapes are reported. In 1981, in Massachusetts' Middlesex County, where I live, arrests were made in only 67.9 per cent of the reported rapes. Of the rapes reported, only 16.1 per cent of the men actually went to prison, while the rest are still Anger walking the streets. Men rape because they hate and fear women. The violence of rape is a way to into control and humiliate us - to take away our power and dignity. Rape is common Action to every patriarchal society such as ours. Men ensure that they keep the power that patriarchy affords them by by Pam C laser systematically beating down women, through rape, battering, and other forms of physical and psychological violence. All of our cultural conditioning leads men to be rapists and women to be vic- tims. In order to stop rape we have to eliminate the system of patriarchy. I have a vision. I can see a cultural revolu- tion that could take place in this coun- try. It has already started. To understand how this revolution will work, think photo by V-iana MyeAA about the psychology of rape. The rapist needs a victim. He has out of every three women in self-determination. To me, the fear that I One many weapons; his victim, traditionally, will be raped before her life experience on a daily basis constitutes a this country has few or none. His weapons are: the part of rape of my mind — a continuous viola- over. I already an active is am historical privileges of membership in tion of my freedom and self- this statistic; I have been raped. Unfor- the more powerful group; his larger size; life determination. I cannot go wherever I tunately I can't relax and enjoy my his culturally enforced traits of aggres- want and do whatever I want. I am — statistics don't work that way. now sion, athletic ability, and fighting skills; always restricted by the implied threat Not a day goes by that I don't think the implied threat of his ability to inflict of rape that every man poses — merely about being attacked again. I walk injury; his access to weapons such as by virtue of his existence. the street, and, especially if I am down guns and knives, and the resources to Any man could be a rapist. He could or in a thinly populated area, I alone, learn how to use them. The woman, as a wonder about each and every man who be black or white (over 93 per cent of victim, is: smaller physically, culturally the time he will be the same race as the approaches me. Will he be the one? I conditioned to be weak and passive, about my male friends and woman he rapes), young or old, cute or wonder less athletic, and has been denied ac- relatives, because statistics say that in ugly, or anything in between. He could cess to weapons and fighting skills. least be a policeman, a garbageman or my over 60 per cent of cases I will be at What we have todav is a war. Men are father. It is one of the biggest con games casually acquainted with the man who armed and well-prepared for battle, of all times that we, as women, have I the news- rapes me. Every day open while women are totally unprepared. The rapist counts on the fact that "Instead of ballet and baton twirling, instead of knitting women are unprepared. He neither wants nor expects a fight. and playing tennis, women will learn how to. defend The vision I see of a revolution is one themselves . . . I have a vision. I can see a cultural revolution where the women of this country that could take place in this country." become strong and learn to fight back. When we see this situation for what it is, a war, and prepare ourselves for battle, paper and read about another horrible been led to believe that men will protect we can stop being victims. rape, or hear about another friend of from themselves. Recently in us — I do not blame women for being vic- mine who has been raped. Any time any Boston, a man at the Brigham Hospital tims. Centuries of conditioning put us in woman is raped it brings up in me an wrote a glowing letter of recommenda- the position of victim. But men will not I feel I anger and hatred so powerful that tion for a fellow staff member, Dr. stop raping and beating us if we just ask have the capacity to kill. Hussain. Hussain was iooking for a new them nicely. Reasoning with them will The law defines rape as: The forcible job; he had just been fired because of not work either. We have to forcefully penetration of an act of sexual inter- his conviction of rape in the gang rape take their power away from them in course on the body of a woman. of a nurse. It is clear from cases like this order to stop being oppressed by it. And Feminists have broadened that defini- that men only protect men. they will not give it up easily. tion to include: Any type of sexual Our legal system, which is run by continued on page 13 assault that is an invasion of bodily in- men, does not protect women from tegrity and a violation of freedom and rape. Because of the social stigma at- page. II M/iiting cu Womm ANGER continued In my vision, we begin by having women teach Karate and other fighting arts to all women. It is especially impor- tant to teach the young, as they are the Q most vulnerable. Instead of ballet and baton twirling, instead of knitting and playing tennis, women will learn how to defend themselves. Building strength, even through weight-lifting and sports, isn't enough. Girls and women must be taught to develop power through learn- ing to fight. When a woman is attacked, as in any 2 emergency situation, she feels a rush of adrenaline surge through her body. This adrenaline makes her much stronger than usual. What is missing, in order for her to use her strength, is the technical knowledge of what to do. She must learn how to kick a man in the knee and break his leg so that he cannot chase her. How to gouge his eyes and blind him so that he cannot see her. * Founder of the Boston Women's Goju-Ryu, Pam Glaser Along with these technical skills will (photo far right) teaches Karate. The school is located at come a change in attitude. Women will 26 St., Boston, 426-3806. learn to value ourselves, and be willing Waltham MA, and ready to fight for our survival. We will turn our fear into anger, and our anger into action. We will band together and fight back in groups as well as members there are many women who women know how to fight. alone. have successfully fought back against We will fight back. And we will win. This vision is already a reality on a verbal and physical harassment and small scale. The National Women's rape. As we continue to teach in our Any woman who wishes further in- Martial Arts Federation, to which I gyms, community centers and colleges, formation about Karate or Self-Defense belong, has members all over the coun- the number of women armed with these classes in her area should write to The try, who are dedicated to teaching skills grows. My vision is that we con- National Women's Martial Arts Federa- women the fighting arts. Among our tinue spreading this knowledge until all tion, P.O. Box 945, Provincetown, MA. 02657 Taking Each Other Seriously by Patricia Smock The conflict didn't begin on the day women. We were also writing and For instance, if a woman makes what I it exploded. No, it began with the first discussing written work as Lesbians, think is a racist statement, how do I call day of class. It was such a wonderful Black women, working class women, her on it? After all, who am I to judge rush to be in a small class of women Hispanic women, Jewish women, Irish her? How would I feel if she in turn gathered to write. We were not there to women, mothers, even a militantly pointed out some assumptions write research papers, or abstract stilted- bisexual woman and the list goes on and underneath one of my remarks? How ly intellectual topic papers,or to answer on with as many variables as women in can we be free to think, speak, share, or leading questions designed only so class. That we were all women was the grow when we feel afraid of each students can spew forth as much foundation. It was the common factor other's close scrutiny? When we are specific crap as possible. Instead we that gave us a place to start. From that afraid of our own ignorance? were to think and write about ourselves, • starting point we ran straight on, head- Besides fear, there is a high level of to share the experience of the writing first into our differences. insecurity that also accompanies the process with each other, with other I can now write about the class itself responsibility of Women's Studies women. The uniqueness of this situa- and the specifics of that awful day with classes. (No woman can be completely tion, the potential, and the gift to be the certainty that hindsight gives. Yet I certain the words she speaks or the allowed this in a university setting pul was unaware at the time that trouble ideas she holds are her own.) First we unbelievable expectations on this class. was brewing. I was, like perhaps most of bring to the class different degrees of The class was too good to be true-the the other women in the class, trying to past work on issues such as class oppres- answer to a dream. Reality had to set in. find my own place, testing out my own sion and racism. Second, like im- It was not enough to be a room full voice. There is a certain amount of fear migrants in a foreign culture, women of women sharing a common desire to that goes with taking Women Studies must wrestle with the reality of express- write. For we weren't only writing as courses and being responsible for all the ing themselves in a language not their interactions that happen in a classroom. own. page 13 bJsuXlng a* Women could begin to speak, make her state- need. She chose to act out of that need. anything, a white ment, or even say I do not understand that attitude heavily, audibly, woman sighed anymore than I understand M.'s unwill- gathered her belongings and stalked out ingness to view the women in class as of class. This white woman is working separate women, and not as a unified class, a mother, involved in welfare ad- block of racists. involved in anti- Taking Each Other Seriously vocacy, and had been I have no overall analysis of the in continued from page 13 racist work. For me, sitting there many sides of this complex incident. I have tried to include as many threads of this intricately woven issue as possible. The door slammed shut, all the oxygen had followed M. out Let me try to articulate some of my the door. feelings about, and since, that day. The class ' 'Writing as Women" was to be an were asked in "Writing as class, I could not grasp what was hap- We oasis for me; I put great hopes and huge Women" to think about ourselves as pening. Why had she walked out. M., expectations into that class. So many women. That is, to think about the one was of course, greatly offended. She feminist things I've been involved with shared huge aspect of oppression in our blew up. Pissed, she stormed out of the lately have been torn apart by anger and lives — our womanness. This heightened room also. After the door slammed shut,a differences among women. For in- our awareness, opened our sensitivity to dead quiet filled the room. It was chok- stance, the NWSA (National Women's other aspects of our oppression. One ingly airless, as if all the oxygen had Studies Association) Conference this working class woman sat and fumed followed M; out the door. year became a heated war between during a class discussion of hunger. With both women gone the rest of white women and women of color, be- Someone had made the comment that the class sat paralyzed in a sickingly im- tween straight women and Lesbians, we as Americans could never unders- mobile silence. Women went to find the and between academic women and tand what subsistence hunger feels like. two and bring them back to women community women. I wanted this class The working class woman did know class. Only M. returned. to be different. I was tired of the pain of hunger, but she was too shy, unsure, When she came back, M. spoke deconstruction, the unguidedness of ashamed, or angry to speak up. about her isolation and her anger. She anger. I felt ready to build. I wanted But I've side tracked from my task, to said how tired she was of being respon- something that was, by the process of tell about the day of the "blow—out" sible for educating white feminists. She honest feminist growth, not yet possible. incident. In the barest most factual way, said she was exhausted and unwilling to I wanted women to get beyond their what happened is this. One of the have to explain herself all the time. It anger, but I first must be willing to hear women in the class, an Hispanic took a lot of courage for her to return to and learn to understand that anger. I see woman, M., chose to respond to a par- class. M. put herself on the line. Yet little many feminist organizations and even ticular reading and came to class that of what she said got through. We ques- other Women's Studies classrooms torn day prepared to speak about her reser- tioned ,her on specifics and got bogged apart by this head on clash of dif- vations. The assigned reading was by down in personalities. What we needed ferences. My learned woman's inclina- feminist writer Daly. to discuss Lesbian Mary Mary and understand was tion is to try to settle the disagreements Daly takes words and reduces them to something much larger. We needed to as quickly as possible with the fewest their roots to uncover hidden assump- realize that we, the class, had not made •number of feelings getting hurt - to tions and meanings in language, but she room for her. That we had not made the sweep the ugliness of scenes like this only writes about the European- space for her experience to exist, and day away. This would be easier, and Christian origins of language. M. that M. was sick of having to fight for her would feel better, but would deny the brought in a response to Mary Daly writ- right to exist and to see that existence women with differences from my ex- ten by the Black Lesbian feminist writer reflected in class interactions and in istence. And that is what all the anger is Audre Lorde. In this article, "An Open course material. Perhaps because of the about. Letter to Mary Daly", Audre Lorde ques- uniqueness of an all woman's writing Broken down by the anger expressed tions Mary Daly's limits and her omis- class, M., frustrated, decided that she that day was a barrier that I created be- sions as racist. M. had a copy of the arti- was unwilling to fight for what seemed tween myself and the class. I had built cle made for all the other students in 50 assumed by the rest of us, that this up a self/other distinction between class, passed it out, and asked if she class would be a place where our voices myself and the other women in class. I could speak. would be heard. was ready each day of class to give my Although her talk never happened, I M. left the class after this day. She opinion and to say my bit, but I wasn't don't think M. was just going to talk did finish the course as an independent really open to accepting what other about Mary Daly's cultural solipism, but study. The white woman who first women had to say. I wasn't taking other was going to use this article as a forum walked out returned to class and fin- women's stories into myself. That hor- to the semester. I discuss her feeling about the class. M. ished can't help won- rible angry day broke down this was criticizing the class for our own dering if it was because she was white self/other split. I felt part of the class, not cultural tunnel-vision. Because she that she felt she was able to return to just myself attending class. Only then wrote so well, it was easy to overlook class. Yet she spent much of the rest of was I ready to let things that happened the fact that she not only had to find her the semester isolated from the class as a in class affect and change me. Almost as voice as a woman using an alien whole. She rarely spoke in class, and if I were a fraud, M.'s anger made me language, but also as a Spanish person never truly re-joined us. It is hard for me feel exposed, found out, and embarrass- writing in English. In this class of all not to have mixed feelings about her ed. I began to examine my behavior in women, a class of women who were decision to walk out. She said she had class, and myself as part of the class. dealing with their own oppression, made the decision as a move for self continued on page 17 many of whom had participated in anti- preservation. That she felt her anger ris- racist C-R groups, M. was still isolated ing and didn't want to be driven to ex- and alienated. press her anger in ways she'd be sorry Yet I didn't know all this at the time. I about. I don't understand how she felt had the hand-out M. made and was that day, but I do get a sense that what waiting for her to speak. Before M. she did was an expression of her own page. 14 Waiting 06 Wormn Encounter by Elizabeth Burns I felt cold, sweaty and dirty after my first and last sex- ual enounter with Ken, an encoun- ter that lasted thir- ty hellish minutes. Ken, a protestant priest, looked like a jock with big brown eyes, a big brown nose, a big brown dick, and big brown feet. He smelled like a musk ox and tasted salty as fried salt pork. A childhood pal, Ken never wanted me during my teens. He thought about the cloth, and only about the cloth. But now when his calling was in doubt, Ken wanted sex—and from me; I was very ready. Ken thrust his penis into my open vagina. The erect dick I wanted because of an early and recurring childhood fan- tasy. The thrust I neither wanted nor need- ed to make me come. But he did it time and again in spite of my cries. It seemed to me that this 6' 5" hunk of a man knew nothing about being gentle. I told him to ease back, that I wasn't going any place so he needn't jab at me with his horsehead. He didn't take the suggestion well because he wrapped his ample thigh around mine and thrust so hard I felt a sharp pain that extended at my cervix to my left ovary and beyond. He was sweating like a pig and made these strange "onk" sounds from deep within his throat. In the Tub Through much of that painful experience I by Mary Price fixed my eyes on a large wall clock and counted every excruciating second. I I fold my body into the water, each of my hairs standing on end in reaction to hated the thrusting; I wanted to escape, the hot water against cold skin. I sink further into the tub, submerging myself but I was trapped. slowly—first my legs, my ass, then, my back, my breasts. Covered with water His penis stayed erect for the entire thirty minutes— it now, I feel protected by the hot fluid around me; like the comfort of getting into then happened— Ken's a bed of thick covers or being held tight by a lover: the contact of water to skin, semen spurt forth, from a maurading bull it the warmth and distance between me and the rest of the world. As I lie back in came, flooding my valley and creating a I pond of the tub feel my body relaxing; | trust the safety of the heat and let go. This is a pure protein and anger. Thank it haven for me and one of the few places I feel safe. My eyes, at first unfocused, God was over. now focus on the ripple of water against skin. I love my body through a layer of There was no after glow or chit chat. water. My pubic hair floats up just barely above the water like plant life growing Ken didn't bother to thank me as he was up out of the ocean. All my hair seems now to be free floating, waving back and dressing. Nor did he kiss me when his forth like the cilia of lower life forms, I expect it to cause perceptible movement. clammy hand was on the door knob. All My belly, a small half-circle, rises and falls as I release and contract my stomach he said was that -it was his first and last muscles playing with the landscape of body through water. My breasts amaze me time with me or anybody and goodbye! the most though. Full breasts with a tendency to hang when i stand, they are now upright. Proudly sitting, seemingly on top of the water: a circle of nipple, surrounded by a circle of white skin, then a circle of water underneath which lies another circle of skin. I rock back and forth, my breasts, belly, and pubic hair slowly swaying causing the water to splash up against the sides of the tub. The sound of splashing and swaying soothes me. I am soothed. I am changed; no longer in control of this body of mine. pciQZ IS \)JnJjtinQ cu> Women avoidance. No matter what our degree of sensitivity is to it all, we know that something that is expected to get done is not getting done. Much time and energy is required to effectively put off academic responsibilities whether the root of the procrastination is recognized or not. But this does not mean that we do not think about our work or do not attempt, on some level, to do it. On the contrary, the shunned assignments are always on our minds — we know the work has to get done — we want to do it — but tomorrow looks more promis- ing. 4fe Anything else, besides the undone schoolwork, seems not only more in- teresting, but more crucial to the pro- crastinator. The usual mundane duties of cleaning out a closet or waxing the kitchen floor, washing the dishes or Unfinished dusting old books are more appealing when undesirable school tasks need at- tending to. These are typical methods of Business active procrastination. Active pro- crastination is used mostly by those who are consciously putting work aside. Be- ing productive while avoiding the need- tu.H«M- by Judy Bousquin t«ukt to-be-done project alleviates guilt, is" easy to justify (this has to be done Procrastination is not alien to the characteristic of perfectionists in par- anyway), and, if in the position of ignor- human race. Everyone puts things aside ticular. The overall quality of the pro- ing the ten page research paper that is at some time or another for one reason duct is insignificant - perfectionists are due the following week, one can pacify never satisfied. Other procrastinators ..." or another. It is a fact of life. No one can oneself by saying I can think about do everything on time all of the time or are diffident: fearing to expose their opi- my approach to the Russian Revolution as thoroughly as they would like to. nions, they lack confidence in their while sorting out my winter socks." However, there is a group of people voice. They are, also, unsatisfied with A more subtle avoidance is passive who utilize procrastination as a tool whatever it is they produce. procrastination. Unlike its active more often and more seriously than any Fear is not the only basis for counterpart, procrastination in the other group: students. Due to heavy postponement. Alienation from our passive form initially goes undetected by workloads and the pressure to perform, work can make us not want to deal with the procrastee - an unconscious eva- it. feeling students are very susceptible to pro- Not connected with either the sion of work. The reason it is labeled it is crastination. subject matter or the way taught can "passive" is because it is basically a The preoccupation of putting things stifle creativity. Then there are writing roundabout method of putting off a task. blocks, off is a common affliction to which family problems, health pro- We may actually set aside time to do students, including myself, have many blems and other personal concerns that something and even have all the perti- of its preva- been subject. Regardless all have the potential for hindering pro- nent materials at hand. Our attention, lence, there is a stigma attached to it, for ductivity. however, is easily diverted by reading ir- procrastination has long been synono- There are, no doubt, chronic pro- relevant information, writing un- with laziness. Victimized students mous crastinators among us. These are people necessary notes or scribbling in our not to labeled lazy, especial- do want be who thrive under pressure, or claim books. Eventually we realize we have if in evading an ly we are the process of they do anyway, and deliberately wait procrastinated - we either have nothing assignment. No, do not want to be we till the last minute to get down to or very little to show for the time we tagged because we know there is validi- anything. They can be, but do not supposedly devoted to the work. ty to procrastination. Procrastination our necessarily have to be, distinguished Another type of procrastination is is not so much denied as it is euphemiz- from the individuals who feel in- when we are so overwhelmed with our ed. And we learn the popular and ac- complete if they do not have the sensa- overdue work that we cannot even get cepted excuses for not being prompt tion of a ton of bricks on their shoulders. started. Those of us inflicted with this with our work. These excuses may not And some procrastinators simply need kind of procrastination are acutely be appropriate for many cases at all but the security of constantly having aware of what we are avoiding but we who would believe the real reasons something to do. Because pro- are too numb to face it. We are also so anyway? crastinators are always busy, usually do- guilty about not doing what we are put- Fear underlies many of the reasons ing something other than what they ting off that we find if difficult to plan for procrastination. Fear of failure, fear know they should be doing. any sort of project to prolong confront- of success, fear of the work itself, fear of Whatever rationalizations we cling ing our toil. Outside circumstances need criticism, fear of expectations, fear of ap- to to defend our placing work aside, we to be relied upon to relieve anxiety, i.e.. go to great lengths to avoid doing Dearing dumb. Some of us fear the out- continued on page 17 whatever it is want to avoid. Eschew- come of our work - that it will not be we worth a professor's time or will not meet ing papers and studying and reading can our standards. This be either a conscious or an unconscious own fear is page. 16 WhaXIviq ol£> Women Silences biggest fear is that I might have to Unfinished Business form continued from page 3 disagree or an opinion or ask for continued from page 7 6 something I want. For a long time I closer friendships than men. However, thought I had no opinions; I thought I enough snow to cancel school tor a even that is isolating. Once, in talking was meant to be some kind of wall- week, a broken leg, a knapsack with im- with a group of women, I found that flower in that garden, only accepting portant books stolen. many of us felt more comfortable speak- talk that was stripped of thorns. Procrastinators do not heed the pro- ' ing one-on-one with people than in I don't think that this is a problem verb: 'Do not put off till tomorrow what groups. This is a landlocked situation that is particular to me; I think that many you can do today." But things can be and one that seems to fall along gender women suffer from some form of put off for just so long. Tomorrow even- it lines. The danger in is that it's like silence. When I was young we played a tually comes, often without warning. sharing your poems only with a best game called Silent School where the Then it is time to depend on strong cof- friend while the men go out there and winner was the girl who could remain fee, inspiration and endurance in order get the reviews. The ability to make quiet and unmoving the longest. The to survive the sleepless marathon of close ties or talk about emotions is not game for girls was not who could jump work. really valued in our society. the highest or argue the best. The game Many of this breed feel unsatisfied What do women talk about? There's was which girl could be the least when the work is completed. We know always been talk between my friends demanding and least opinionated. To we could have done better if we in- and me like "the garden is beautiful, it's speak up now is to step outside of that vested more time and energy or more beautiful, isn't it?," women's talk that game, even though there's a feeling that productive time and energy to. some view as trivial or unimportant in you're breaking the rules. But then the assignments. The contiguous worry of content. But there's something strong in rules need to be broken because silence producing something, anything, the the kind of talk that goes on around kit- has such a loud, clear sound. rereading and rethinking do not seem, chen tables. A secret code develops. in retrospect to have been worth it. This code began for me at parties where The process of doing procrastinated my friends and I would giggle over Taking Each Other Seriously work is boring. Procrastinators have to Beatle magazines. I feel a loyalty to that continued from page 14 go back to something started long ago code but a resentment that was so often and rehash stale notes and thoughts. based on discussion of lipstick or Whether the final product turns out to Women's Studies classes are unlike George, Paul and Ringo. Boys, I im- be outstanding or just okay, pro- any other classes. In other class rooms agine, talked about fighting, sex and crastinators judge their work as insignifi- there is an absolute, the teacher. Infor- baseball. A language went along with cant. It is made even more dull and mation can be open for discussion, but those codes. The language I learned as a meaningless when the procrastinator the final authority on that information is gjrl was pretty, full of passivity and misses out on social events to do the always the teacher. In a Women's silence; there was no proper language long put-aside work. And it seems all Studies class, the students bring with for the issues of blood and anger. Much too inconsequential when the pro- each of themselves the authority of their of what went on when I was a child crastinator gets down to business and own experience. Each student is re- made me angry but there were no recalls all the other things they have put sponsible for all that happens in the words a nice girl could use to describe off. class. There is virtually no way to attend it. Her options were to remain silent or a Women's Studies class and be a to use indirect language, the kind that passive or uninvolved student. by Va\)i.d curls around anger like smoke and soon photo GculcMl The benefits of this way of ap disappears. And so now I think our proaching education are obvious language can sometimes seem 'trivial,' can be about diapers and the 'beautiful Knowledge is not a stagnant block of ir- garden' because we've been taught to refutable facts. It is, like feminism, a speak safely and bandage our hurts with fluid, ever changing process of accep- ting information, testing polite, pretty works. And we talk about that informa- tion against the bandages in questions and sighs, personal experience, and accepting that for unable to curse, yell or break windows which works you as true and rejecting what in the 'beautiful garden.' doesn't work. Often this process is as painful it is The garden grows roots. In practical as rewarding. In the class "Writing as terms, these associations often make it Women," there was a conflict and an frustrating for me to talk. In conversa- angry confrontation not unique to this tion with a person I find that I often class but like so many confrontations rehash what they're saying and rephrase characteristic of feminism right now. the idea. Or I fill in a blank for them as Feminists began with much the same they grope for a word. When they ask a naive optimism that I began this class. question I often answer with a short And, as with the class, feminists are now sentence which is not a method of syn- finding we must dig in at our border, thesizing but of panic. If a person ex- more painful, realities. I realize now pects an answer I begin to avoid eye how fragile both students and teachers contact so that I'll give them a chance to of Women's Studies are as we grope for leave the conversation. I often end better more honest ways to learn. midsentence saying "I don't know what I mean" when most times I do. My hand Thanks for support, suggestions, etc., in is often close to my mouth or brushes this article to Deb Whippen, Bous- my lips so that the words become Judy quin, Beth Bagley, Mary McAlister, Nan- mumbled. I am always somehow in near retreat, fearing boredom or ridicule cy Antoine, Francine LaTerza, Pam An- or a number of negative responses. My nas, and Allison Hurley. pag e 7 7 Whjjtaig ca> Women Patricia Smock . On Taking Women Students Seriously the September issue of Ms/'save these pages?" sexuality and by all means we should I live with another woman and our hide it. disagreements are very real and upset- fay Maryellen Sullivan a Retainer: the middle class experience ting. Disagreements in our living situa- as the normal one. Orthodontia equals tion usually revolve around delicate issues of individual space and resent- Let me start out by saying that what I money, and so may. education soon. am about to write is written in anger. Cliff Notes: Are we serious students? ment of invasion therein. Often, people The September issue of Ms. magazine Fredericks of Hollywood catalogue: are carrying a lot of heavy emotional vas a back-to-school issue and con- despite all the hard work put into break- baggage when it comes to living situa- lined a section called "Gazette" and in ing this stereotype of women, we all tions. Experiences of living with their parenthesis "save these pages." There secretly long to be Barbie dolls with families, neurotic housemates, or demanding lovers make current living ire four pages of "tips, quizzes, and crotchless underwear . . arrangements highly charged with ex- trivia" for the college woman that I Hostess cupcakes . . . and we don't real- pectations. I respect this and take it found totally offensive and belittling. I ly respect our bodies. cannot imagine anyone taking a woman Kwell: assume you will contact lice or seriously; it is not the insignificant absur- student seriously if this piece of jour- crabs from a sleazy but somehow cute dity portrayed by Ms. One would gather nalism is supposed to be any indication liason. that college life is one big frolic or sleep- af our mentality. a Rosary: religion is not cool, it is not over party without any frustrations too For me, Ms. magazine is not a voice liberal. Hide it. large that they could not be taken out that speaks to feminists. It is, however, a Mustache bleach: be feminine and on a toy. valid medium that reaches out to unoffensive; certain aspects of our When the "Gazette" editors give us romen who were raised with patriar- bodies are repulsive. suggestions on how to earn money they :hic values and who are gradually Seventeen magazine: assuming you are present us with "The Ultimate Student rejecting the more abhorrent ones. It either a teenager or have the mentality Service" which is a tuck-in service at ilso gives me an indication of what the of one. bedtime for students who sorely miss lainstream American woman is ex- Five Year Diary: these words written in Mommy and Daddy. The charge is two dollars for aeriencing, since I do not own a televi- scroll on a pink vinyl cover. What self- a bedtime story and a "chaste sion, and therefore miss the shock-value respecting writer would write in one ex- nighty-night peck on the forehead." Is it possible of this particular medium. I am always cept as a joke or in deliberate mockery. to scream on paper? AAAGH! careful to read between the lines, that is, There are many of us out there work- pay attention to advertisement, layout, In another section we have room- ing for a living at demanding jobs for ind the overall "party-line" of a mate compatibility advice. Here our in- very little pay while simultaneously at- jublication. The ads in Ms. are only dividuality and maturity becomes tending school. We are not all middle- slightly more conscious than the other trivialized. We are advised to choose a class because we attend universities, 'women's magazines," but conde- room mate who is the same size as we even though Reagan would have it thus. scendingly so. Advertisements that urge are so that we can expand our ward- I could almost cry when I read their ramen to break away from male ciga- robe. This advice is cliched and list of "Valid Excuses for Being Late to rettes, liquor, automobiles, etc., and minimalizing to women's relationships. Class." Here it gets too, too trivial. discover slimmer, lighter, pastelly, sleek It reduces human interaction to the level December 28th is the Miss Cheerleader /omen's products are contest and is extremely manip- of "What can I get from this person?" January 22nd the ulative and present a false, bourgeois, "You'll know the roommate honey- Supreme Court decision on abortion. smpty version of "liberation." moon is over when she tries to That they juxtapose these two issues ' Anyway . . . this entire 'Gazette" physically abuse your teddy bear makes me sad. lade me furious. One helpful list was for some trifling offense on your Two final questions: who are these leaded with the title: "What You Can't part." people? and why save these pages? Jve Without, but You Might Want to lide." They list your Barbie, vibrator, etainer, Cliff Notes, Fredericks of Hollywood catalogue, Hostess cream illed cupcakes, Kwell, rosary, Jolen lustache bleach, Seventeen magazine, md a five year diary. Primarily, saying that we would want to hide these things idicates shame. We should be ashamed, but someone finds them essential to a woman student. The lessage I get from these items is as )llows- Barbie: the epitome of the male de- fined woman, large breasts, dispropor- tionately long legs, feet in the eternal ligh-heeled position, blond, white, and elastic. (I ask myself if any editor in the country would print a male counterpart to this, and what would it possibly be?) a Vibrator: this is a token reference to page. Waiting at, Wowzn The Dance by Joyce Wermont The pianist opens the song with a tune that invokes images of gypsies and flamenco dancers. Soon the melody begins to interweave those ancient musical strains with modern urban jazz, spanning centuries. The orchestra is warming up, other instruments one by one blending in, each bringing its own special influence. The trumpets' sharp, tangy notes penetrate the air, golden and glowing. Open palms slap drum heads, skin on skin, and the room is filled with African rhythms, fast, stac- cato. The sound of maracas and cowbells sends my blood rushing. This music is red- hot spicy cayenne that clears the sinuses, making its way into those deep, hidden, untouched corners where no sound has ever gone. The leading melody is joined by a chorus of four, five, maybe more, singing a repetitive verse, almost a chant. The words themselves are music, exciting and soothing at the same time, hypnotizing. Guitars add a fullness and richness to the sound and a lively bass makes the whole song jump. Looking around the room as I dance, I see a crowd of heads bobbing up and down, moving to the tempo. Some couples dance graceful, practiced steps while others move in their own free style. Such a variety: men in suits and women wearing colorful, flowing dresses, flowers in their hair, others simply dressed in jeans and cotton shirts. There are brown faces, black, and white, some sweaty, others intent and serious, but most smiling and relaxed. The ballroom is large and luxurious, lit by thousands of tiny bulbs in the ceiling which sparkle and give the impression of a starry sky. The room is packed, the dance floor lined with people talking and drinking, and I feel the heat radiating from nearby dancers. As a woman whirls past me, I catch a whiff of her perfume. The song ends, a temporary stillness, and the crowd disperses. Sweat pours down my face and back, adding to the dampness of my hair and clothing. Heat forms an aura around me and my temples throb. My breathing is short and rapid. For nearly two hours I have been dancing non-stop and I think about sitting down for a drink, taking a rest. But as the next song begins I know I can keep dancing for hours; my energy is boundless. The music moves in my blood like wine. My body yearns to lose itself in the endlessness of those drums, those chanting voices. My un- trained feet know instinctively what to do. I'm in perfect sync with my partner, as though we had been dancing together for years. We move back and forth, apart, together, apart, together, swinging each other round and around, in and out through the loops of our arms, our movements growing wilder and wilder. I enter a state of euphoria,my spirit soaring, brain on fire, until there is nothing but pure page, 79 Wsiittng aA Womtn sound and movement. My body was made for this rhythm, and I am flying. Cezanne In this way we have a place to stay and he was not met because he was settled to stay. When I said settled I meant settled to stay. When I said settled to stay I meant settled to stay Saturday. In this way a mouth is a mouth. In this way if in as a mouth if in as a mouth where, if in as a mouth where and there. Believe that they have water too. Believe they have water too. And blue when you see blue, is all blue precious too. Is all that is precious too, is all that. And they meant to absolve you. In this way Cezanne nearly did nearly in this way. Cezanne nearly did nearly did nearly did. And was I surprised. Was I very surprised was I surprised. And in that, patient, are you patient when you find bees. Bees in a garden make a specialty of honey and so does honey. Honey and prayer honey and there. There where the grass can grow nearly four times yearly. — Gertrude Steir Cezanne/ Stein a found poem by Wendy Bembery In this way we have a place to stay and he was not met because he was settled to stay. When I said settled I meant settled to stay. When I said settled to stay I meant settled to stay — Saturday. In this way a mouth is a mouth. . . . , . In this if „ t ( D Cl way7 in as a mouth reproduction of Picasso s Stein ...... if in as a mouth where, if in as a mouth where — and there. Believe they have water too Believe they have water too And blue when you see blue, (is all blue precious too) .. Is ail that is precious too, (is all that) And they meant to absolve you. In this way Cezanne nearly did, nearly In this way. Cezanne nearly did nearly did nearly did And was I surprised. was I (very) surprised, was I surprised. I (was) surprised And in that, patient, (Are you patient when you find bees) Bees in a garden make a specialty of honey (And so does honey) Honey and prayer. Honey and there. There where the grass can grow nearly four times yearly page 20 dlAltlng cu> Wom&n But then I remembered that just before I leaned on that faulty railing, I too, had been an able-bodied person; I had had the luxury to disregard the op- pression of people with physical dif- ferences because it didn't directly op- press me. In fact, I had overlooked "able-bodyism" in the same way that white people can avoid racism and men can deny sexism. I began to make broader connections: when we're not victimized by an oppression, we often do not see it. Men, Caucasians, heterosexuals, adults, Christians, upper and middle class, and able-bodied peo- ple all walk around with invisible passports to privilege. In fact, because they falsely assume that everyone has the same choices as themselves, they hardly ever acknowledge that they are privileged. My second stage, "Self Blame and Internalized Isolation", resulted from by Kayla Kirsch They didn't realize how hard it was to perform simple tasks such as going to poor communication with my friends Before I broke both of my wrists, I and housemates. After the bathroom. If I left one week of was not capable of real-izing what life my pants unzip- rice ped, I could pull them rubbing spooning and beans into my mouth was like for a person who is physically down by my side pocket against the sharp ply- and stroking my teeth with my green disabled. It wasn't until I hit the con- crete after falling backwards from a wood corner of my housemate Holly's Reach toothbrush, they disappeared desk. This process usually took over fif- back to their busy jobs and herds of second story porch in Somerville that I began to directly experience life without teen minutes and left me sweating. friends as quickly as they had rushed to arms. Relaxing on the toilet seat did not last help me. From my dark hovel (or so it My swollen fingers cramped involun- long. How could I wipe myself? I could seemed), I watched them race around tarily against the rough edges of my cold not figure out a way to do this without like headless chickens, to and from white prisons; two plaster casts were my hands. work, meetings and classes. molded securely around my arms. For many weeks, I "drip dried" and My arms were not only broken, they attempted to compensate by soaking in were like huge emergency brakes that Although I pressed my arms against my the bathtub everyday. But since I could forced me to pull out of the fast lane and chest for protection, I still felt naked, park life the side of the road. vulnerable. Raw. not scrub my body, I simply sat in the my busy by However, despite my shaky emo- tional state, I learned several tricks to arms were not only broken, they like handle my new disability. When my "My were huge eleven-year-old housemate, Jeffrey, cut emergency brakes that forced me to pull out of the fast lane his finger with a butcher knife, I kicked and park my busy life by the side of the road." the telephone off the hook on the wall, and with the big toe of my right foot, I dialed my friend Marian's phone warm water and hoped that if I concen- Now, instead of running around from number and then called the Mount trated hard enough, the brown 8:00 am to midnight, I stared at the Auburn Hospital. Fortunately, when we fragments would lift off my body by cracks on the left corner of my white got to the emergency room the nurse themselves. ceiling and listened to Spanish dirges on fill the radio. arms were as heavy as didn't make me out the insurance Now that I had entered the world of My barbells. At night, I anchored forms. the "handicapped", I became keenly my Now, months after the accident, I aware of able-bodied people's behavior. weights above my head and rocked on can recall four distinct stages of ad- Not only were they unaware of physical- my waterbed until the sun rose. justing to living without arms: 1. Sheer ly disabled people like me - they were With newly acquired leisure time, I Hatred of the Abie-Bodied, 2. Self- also inconsiderate to each other. In ad- also became an observer of my Blame and Internalized Isolation, 3. dition to slamming doors in my face, housemates' frantic lives. I felt like I was Support among the Physically Challeng- they pushed through the bodies that watching scenes from the theatre of the ed, and 4. Self-Evaluation of My Own blocked their way to subway entrance, absurd: Holly running out the door with Process. and they drove their ambulatory com- a bowl of lentil soup in her right hand My first stage, "Sheer Hatred of the rades off the roads with their cars. Even and her tool box in her left hand, and Able-Bodied", is based mostly upon •the cyclists cursed at each other when Jamie making telephone calls in the the con- ANGER. I hated able-bodied people they rode their bikes through shower. When they came back for a Able- because they could put on their clothes, struction in Harvard Square. quick shower or meal, I expected that call a friend, eat their food, shovel their bodied people only smiled when they they would offer to make me dinner or driveway, write a letter, and wipe their wanted something: a ride, a job, or a to help me wash my hair. Sometimes rear ends without even thinking. date. ;hey did, more often they didn't. pagt 2 7 tttvutlng cu> Women continued on page 22 In some ways, strangers were more down my hectic life and re-evaluate," I women who would smile at me eyeball- comforting than friends. I could ask decided, "so I had better get used to it to-eyeball and offer their support. them to hold open doors to the and take responsibility for the karma I In this new environment, my injured Baybank, or to reach into my pockets to had created." (I had even worn all-black body was a passport to meet many get me quarters for subway tokens. They clothing on the day of the accident.) wonderful women who I would normal- were usually kind, eager to help (when "Put your broken wrists in perspective," ly only see as an Outsider. During my left feeling like they had I asked), and I scorned, "this is only a temporary four days at the festival, spent every done a good deed. Once their specific situation; your arms will heal. Stop mak- meal at the disabled women's tables. It task was finished, we parted and I ex- ing such a big deal about nothing." But was there that I met Mary from Boston, pected nothing more from them. it was a Big Deal. Not only had my who walks with metal crutches, Glenna, A quick favor was easy for a friend or navicular bone cracked — my heart felt who speaks with her hands and listens a stranger to accomplish, but it soon as if it was bleeding. People, including with her eyes, and Billie, who eats with became clear that the world really those whom I had once called an artificial arm. wasn't set up to accomodate physically "friends", had become uncaring On Friday, when we were eating challenged people. Although the Boston strangers. I, too, was an island aban- lunch and talking about being physically Post Office now has ramps for wheel- doned by the busy mainlanders. challenged in the ' 'Real" world, I turned chairs, a feminist newspaper called Off Fortunately, in my third stage, "Sup- to my new friends and asked, ' 'Do you Our Backs recently published an issue port Among the Physically Challenged", ALWAYS have to ask for what you need? on women and disability, and some I was able to reach out of my hard Don't you get sick of it?" Billie looked at people did stop to open doors for me, plaster casts to other islanders. When me firmly with her blazing green eyes most people don't have or make the my next-door-neighbor, Heather, told and said, "Honey, if you don't ask for it, time to help. Many people are afraid of me about the Michigan Women's Music you ain't going to get nothing. And even wheelchairs and of physical Festival, it seemed like a perfect oppor- if you do ask, you might still get "deformity". "Abled" and "disabled" tunity to turn a nightmare into a vaca- nothing." people have been kept so isolated from tion. Heather, Holly, Jai, myself and During dinner on Saturday, Karen each other that our fears have swelled eight other women rented a van and pushed SuAnn's wheelchair next to my and our sensitivity has diminished to drove twenty-four hours to the rural seat and we sat quietly as she ate her dangerous proportions. Disabled people concert site. mushroom-barley soup by pressing are viewed and treated as if they are The Michigan Women's Music rounded knobs on the side of her wheel- islands who have drifted far from shore. Festival 1981 provided an excellent chair which directed a pair of metal My initial anger now shifted into a model of what the world could be like arms into her mouth. "What happened fear that plagued me from the time I for the physically challenged people. to you?," she asked me in between could not dress myself each morning to Every dirt path had treadways and slurps of soup which often dripped over the time I could not pull up my blankets ramps for wheelchairs. A campground her chin and onto her lap. I watched her face as I told her about the creaky porch railing. She paused for a moment; the "As Billie spooned yogurt into my mouth with her plastic hollow in her open mouth was weighted with sorrow. "You're lucky you didn't fingers, it became obvious to me that us physically chal- fall on yo.ur neck," she finally lenged people couldn 't wait around for The Great Con- whispered, 'That's what happened to sciousness Revolution of Abled-Bodied People." me ten years ago." It was then that I realized the frail- ness of our bodies, the . constant possibility that tomorrow we might not each night. Before I broke my wrists, I and booth was set up so that physically have arms or legs or even a brain. I had always resisted depending on challenged women could congregate would push my housemates onto our anyone: parents, lovers, even friends. and generate support among themelves. living room couch during the next Tues- But suddenly I needed all of them, in- There were toilets and solar-heated day night house-meeting and drill these cluding strangers, to spoon oatmeal into showers that could accommodate possibilities into their hearts and minds. my mouth and to button my blouses. If women without legs. Workshops such "What would you do if next week you they left, I die. would as ' 'Deaf Awareness" and ' 'Breaking the became paralyzed like SuAnn, from My throat turned into a knot of rub- Isolation of Physical Differences" were your neck to your toes?" I would ber bands as my fears swelled even scheduled throughout the four days. In scream, "You might be limited to the larger than my chunky fingers and addition to a medical tent, emotional three rooms downstairs. Holly, you throbbing wrists. I wondered if anyone counseling and Shiatzu massages were couldn't work as a carpenter. Jai, you would ever be there for me when I available (for free) to any women in a couldn't train for the Marathon. Paul, needed them. From the third to the fifth tent called "The Womb." you couldn't dance every Friday night. week, I sat in the bathtub and cried In this atmosphere, it was easier for You might live in fear and frustration every day. I could hardly talk, especially to for ask help than in I me Boston. went that your wheelchair could fall over and to my housemates. Amy, Daisy, and to the physically challenged booth and you couldn't pick yourself up. called, but it never seemed like Cuca asked a woman with orange hair and a As Billie spooned yogurt into my enough. My friend Nancy made me a cowboy hat to help me take a shower. mouth with her plastic fingers, I knew traction of walking machine out bicycle When all of my tentmates had gone that us physically challenged people hooks and rope, but I still felt uncared in swimming a nearby stream and I couldn't wait around for The Great Con- for. The entire human race had let me needed to put on my sneakers, I clench- sciousness Revolution of Abie-Bodied down. ed my black High Tops between my People. We had to look among our- I felt sorry for myself— a frail, teeth and walked over to two women selves for support and encouragement. vulnerable creature whose shoulder sitting in front of an orange pup tent Even though able-bodied people muscles had turned into bedrocks of nearby. Whether I was walking to the lumped us together as anonymous tension. In my existential depression, I music jamming tent or attending a masses of "deformed" protoplasm, we blamed myself for the accident. "I had workshop on "Jewish Women and willed my broken wrists in order to slow page. 11 I WsuXing Women of Color", knew I would find aA Women rison Avenue. Now that I can use all ten fingers to type and I can ride my bicycle over potholes, I am considered an able- bodied person. Except for saying "hello" to students at school, I once again have little contact with physically challenged people. I feel like the author of Black Like Me, who tinted his skin from white to brown and moved to Georgia to ex- perience life as a Southern Black. How did he deal with Black people when he came back to the North and removed his brown skin coloring? And with his newly acquired insights, how did he treat White people? As a person who has been both able- bodied and physically challenged, I still have many unanswered questions. Would Steve, my deaf classmate, be of- fended or angry if I offered to take his anthropology notes? Is it condescending knew we weren't that simple. Music Festival, it had been a safe to say "hello" to the woman at the I sat at the table watching a group of enough atmosphere to ask for help; grocery store simply because she sits in deaf women waving their hands and even able-bodied people went to the a wheelchair? Am I making a false grinning, I healing tent for and started to think about the masages and comfrey assumption that she is isolated and language used to describe them. How salve. My lack of assertiveness in Boston wants my outreach? By continuing to dare able-bodied people call them stemmed from the fact that I didn't think raise the issue of physical differences to "dumb"? And how could anyone think I had the right to ask for help and able-bodied people, am I harping on old about Billie, with her wisdom and her receive it. My housemates and I had grievances or am I raising points which gentle plastic arm, as an invalid? An IN- never sat down and planned a schedule are important for them to consider? to help eat, get dressed, or take a VALID. Disabled. Crippled. Handicap- me In the crowded Boston streets, in my shower; this for ped. was a new experience household, and at the Michigan In the same way that "minority" all of us. I had hoped that they would Women's Music Festival, I sampled the help spontaneously because they minimalizes people of color in the me frustrations, innovations, and communi- wanted to. But my household, like the United States and "lower class" ty spirit that stem from being physically diminishes the working class, words world, was not set up to provide for peo- challenged. I now know that the ramps, ' ' ple like Instead, I silently such as ' 'invalid", 'dumb", 'disabled", me. had toilets, workshops, and support at the and "handicapped" devalue the worth developed invisible expectations for music festival need not be limited to of people with uncommon physical them and because no one was adhering those 200 grassy acres in Michigan. Nor characteristics. these to my hidden agenda, I felt chronically Although words do I need to use language that devalues probably originated with the good inten- disappointed. people who are differently abled. tion of clarification, It is only recently, three months out they actually As I walk down Massachusetts distance of my casts, that I realize none of us, abl- and victimize people into nar- Avenue, I can envision ramps on every row categories. Some women in ed or physically challenged, learn to ask door and signs in each window that say, Michigan offered me new words: for what we need. In fact, our acquired "WHEELCHAIR ACCESSIBLE." Two "physically challenged," "physically polite behavior, covert communication people are walking down the street different", and "differently abled" styles, and fears of being rejected and speaking with their hands. One of them These are the most empowered words too "demanding" make us chronically looks up at a nearby billboard of the I've learned so far; even though I'd disappointed, needy, and unfulfilled. American Sign Language alphabet in rather not define anyone solely by their Rather than finding ways to be ful- order to finish her sentence; she is learn- physical body. filled, we learn to become dependent. ing sign language at school. A legless I Billie Girls hugged and SuAnn, boarded and women depend on men for woman is teaching carpentry to a group the I orange van, and shuddered at the economic survival and many males de- of blind children. A girl on roller skates thought of returning to Boston. My pend on females for their emotional sur- pushes her friend's wheelchair across housemates and I needed a break from vival—but depending is different than the smooth concrete and dances to the each other; I still felt like a burden to needing. Dependency is when you rely disco music that pours from their radio. them. When we arrived, I left im- on someone to give you something and Although I'm not sure how to initiate 1 mediately to spend the last two weeks of you have no control of the amount or all of these changes, I can offer one sim- August with my family. By that time, I when s/he will share it. Asking for what ple suggestion: act now. The next time could turn the pages of a book and even you need is taking control of yourself. I you seea door without a ramp, ask the type using my pointer finger. With my had once thought that being strong owner if she or he has plans to make it left arm in the able-body camp and my meant I had to do everything alone. But accessible in the near future. Or if you right arm still in the disability zone, I now, after two broken wrists and one see someone with a cast, think about entered my fourth stage: "Self- fractured heart, I understood that what she or he might need. Does he Evaluation of My Own Process." strength could be derived from other have boxes to be carried? Does she As I was sitting in the bathtub for the people's support. Sometimes asking was need a hand with that door? Visit the 2000th time in five weeks, I realized that a necessary prerequisite. Disabled Student Center at school. Read I was contributing to not getting what I It has been five months since I the Off Our Backs issue on women and needed. At the Michigan Women's crashed onto the pavement at 260 Mor- disability. Educate and sensitize page. 23 Wilting ai> Womzn yourself. by Nancy /. Antoine The storm that is inside me, it's black and cold, I AM and building. I can't get it out of me, it won't stop. I am a carbonated water waiting, for my cap to be unscrewed. I am honey dripping slowly, down the side of an icy jar. I am vibrant colors swirling, am the cool burn of ammonia on an artists' canvas. in a quilt, am a crusty, paint-dried rag I am wrapped protected from winter's chill. am old milk. lightly floating, lofting am fish — the burnt, juicy skin I am cool sweeping breeze. am mucus clogging my throat. with every Sometimes I feel as though all my moves are conditioned, that been pre-programed. am a long, cold, hungry corridor like a robot has am shreds of green But, most of the time hat litter the cutting board I driven am the soft warm fuzz of cheek-to-cheek am like a fire out of control. am a shrill ring, piercing sleep, am a mis-matched pattern of wallpaper am the blues and grays that calm - am the yellow sun that irks nerves. am the hardening thigh am muscle, relaxing am the "harsh call of blood" am the ache from neck to shoulder am the memory of my mother am a woman growing older am the dream of a brown solid friend am mercury, sliding into wakefulness am hot wire — sparking red, orange, blue am a receiver, sensing skin am a dancefloor, shifting silky glances am side-wise, sliding across your eyes am nubbled flannel sheets am hesitation, smokey, mauve am a piece of good meat. am the brush of lip to skin am the tear of sweat am the press of thigh am the bite. by Marilyn Stern graphic by Nancy Antoine I am old gray stiff gum welded to the underside of a table. I am the dark greasy goop stuck under a busy mechanic's finger nails. I am crystal icicles melting from my anchor on a sunny February morning. I am transparent droplets dripping into the density of air. I am white particles of salt hugging moist alabaster turkey meat. I am cream losing itself in coffee. I am cigarette smoke hanging in the air like a curly mane of hair. I am strong rushing wind embracing a precarious kite. I am purple bruised flesh, by accident. I am delicate flakes of dandruff balancing on hair tightropes. —Dorothy Dwyer page. 24 Wtilting, &t> U/oinen 08 Philodendron o ^< The philodendron had lived in a broken, cramped house for too long ^< S3 For months the wretched plant was entombed o c Its roots were tangled and twisted at the pot's base And its feet were gasping for air through the drainage stones Growth and reproduction were stagnated, almost suffocated - denied the expression of their natural course The forgotten leaves were limping on the end of several threads, withdrawing from life. II. A new planter and fresh earth were in order Dead leaves and flakes of dust trailed the path from where the dying plant had been sitting to where it would be repotted The spindly threads, showing no semblance of life, were snipped and discarded The remaining stubs and the feeble roots shaken from the spent dirt and transferred to a larger cup of cool, rich soil. III. Gradually lime-colored buds spurt from brown papery coverings on stiff stems The young greenery instinctively thrusts upward — the point of the leaves' shapely hearts faces the ceiling In time the flourishing stems creep near the rim of their plastic holding And spill their delicate, smooth bodies to join the network of dangling tendrils The philodendron now thrives in the filtered bathroom light. WORDS Judy Bousquin by Marilyn Stern Words are sounds. Sentences are births of individuals. Each word is D-i-f-f-e-r-e-n-t. This paper needs a purpose. It needs a thesis. The thesis needs a question. The question needs an answer. Sooner or later we all must settle down to the business of communicating clearly and concisely. Look at Sylvia Plath. She wrote poetry thesaurus in hand. She killed herself. What do we learn about "real" writers, women They are very unhappy. They go crazy. They kill themselves. They are deadly serious. Last night I had a dream that Audre Lorde, Stein and (I can't think of the word here) led me around (walking) and told me that when I had something inside I felt just say it what- ever it is. Thanks Audre ohqq. 2 5 Itf/bitlng o6 Women Stare House, Boston, 1980, Glen Gurner