AS BROADCAST _~- Z .._..
THE ABBOTT~.. . _AND...... ~ .COSTELLO...,...,., PROGRAM
FOR
CAP.9EL CIGARETTES
I
NBC - Studio A Thursd yz Oatober 18, 1945 7 :00 « 7 :30 PM PST
C A S T
Iris Adrian Mel Blana Sidney Fields Connie Haines Ken Nile , Will Osborne Joe Kirk Martha VVentworth Pat MoGeehan Lou Marcelle Griff Barnett Virginia Gregg Joe Forte
_SOUND...... EFFECTS.....,..... FNGTNEERING Phone Filter mike is Door needed Crash Gun Shot Metal Door Car start M backfire explodes Crash w ping Street car and .bel]. Slide whistle Rip of canvas
ma
Source: http://industrydocuments.library.ucsf.edu/tobacco/docs/kjnb0079 ..AM
MUSIC S t' PERFIDTA" . . . INTRO ._ . ._SEGUE
MUSICo BAND SINGS ` C . . .A . . .M . .E . . .L . .SI
NILES : The Abbott and Costello program, starring Bud Abbott
and Lou Costel~,o ~' brou ght toY ou bY CAMEL i the ~'~ `~7
I e3,garette of cost~ .~.or, properly a~,d tobaccos 1 ,~~ C
SV ~ EPS UP.... .AND UNDER~ NILES : /The Abbott and Costello program, with the modern rhythm ;!~
of Will Osborne and his orchestra, Iris Adrian, the
swingy singing of Connie Haines M(MUSIC SWELLS )- AND
spotlighting that i+oly»poly little rasca]l who,, after
tying feathers to his grandfather ls gold watch and
throwing it out the window to see if - time would fly »
. . . calmly said ,
COSTELLO! ItM A BAAAAAD I30Y 1
.,MUSIC..~_.. : UP TO FINISH ~ (APPLAUSE)
Source: http://industrydocuments.library.ucsf.edu/tobacco/docs/kjnb0079 mc 1 ,
M1M
ABBOTT : COSTELLO I C OSr1.'ELLO O WHERE, HAVE YOU BEEN? JUST LOOK AT
YOUI YOUR CLOTHES ARE SOPPING WET AND THEREIS WATER
RUNNING OUT OF YOUR HAT AND YOU .R SHOES 1 WHAT HAPPENED TO
YOU ?
COSTELLO : I STOPPED ON THE CORNER OF HOLLYWOOD AND VINE TO GET A
DRINK OUT OF THAT DRINKING FOUNTAINZ
ABBOTTo YOU DUMMY, THEREIS NO DRINKING FOUNTAIN ON THE CORNER OF
HOLLYWOOD AND V INE 1 THAT IS A FIRE,HYDRANT 1
COSTELLO : NO WONDER I WENT HALF WAY TO GLF•NDALE BY GUTTER I ~ ABBOTT : COSTELLO YOUIRE IMPOSSIBLEj WHERE WETTi YOU WHEN THEY
HANDED OUT BRAINS?
COSTELLO : I ..WAS OUT OF TOWN1 WHATiS YOUR...... » STORY? . . . .YOU GOTTA LAY OFF Pnf~, ABBOTT . I FEEL TERRIBLE . I DIDNIT SIEEP A WINK ~
~~'".' AND MY BACK ACHES AWFUL$ ON ACCOUNT OF OUR SETTING
H.EN RAN AWAY LAST NIGHT t
ABBOTT : WHAT HAS YOUR BACK ACHE GOT TO DO WITH YOUR SETTING HEN
RUNNING AWAY?
COSTELLO : I HAD TO S IT ON THE NEST ALL NIGHT TO KFEP THE EGGS WARM t
ABBOTT : THATtS TOO BAD .
COSTELLO : THAT AINtT THE WORST OF IT ABBOTT . AT THREE OtCLOCK THIS
MORNING I BECANCE A nT[TDDER b ...... QUINTUPLETS 1
ABBOTT : FIVE LITTLE.CHTCKS? COSTELLO YOUtD BETTER FIND THAT HEN
RIGHT AWAY AND PUT HER BACK ON THE NEST 1
COSTELLO : ABBOTT, WE DONIT UJANT THAT HC.'TT AROUND OUR CHICKEN COOP
ANY MORE I
ABBOTT : WTIY NOT?
ra% Source: http://industrydocuments.library.ucsf.edu/tobacco/docs/kjnb0079 COSTELLO : ONE OF THE EGGS THAT HATCHED OUT IS A DUCKI
ABBOTT : FORGET ABOUT YOUR CHICKENS, COSTELLO . YOUtVE GOT SOMETHING MORE IMPORTANT TO WORRY ABOUT . YOUR GIRL FRIEND TELEPHONED
A FEW MINUTES AGO AND SAD) SHEIS ~LEAVING YOU! SHEIS GOING BACK TO BROOKLYN i
COSTELTA : WHAT? MY G IRL FRIEND IS LEAV ING ME? (SADLY) MY LITTLE
LENA GENSTER . . .(MAD) I WONtT LET HER GO! ItM GONNA GET
HER ON THE PHONE RIGHT AWAY! ABBOTT, LEND ME A NICKEL!
AE3BOTT : YOU DON 'T NEED A N ICKEL, THAT IS A .FRENCH..... PHONE! COSTELLO : OKAY, . THEN LENI3 ME A FRENCHMAN! . . . GIMME THAT PHONE!
SOUND : RECEIVER UP . . .JIGGLING HOOK.
COSTELLO : HELLO, OPERATOR! OPERATOR!
WOMAN : (ON FILTER) WHEN YOU HEAR THE TONE THE TIME WILL BE
EIGHT MINUTES AFTER TEN,
I3LANC : I LOVE YOU, DARLING . I LOVE YOU MADLY .
COSTELLO : WHAT TONE WAS THAT?
WOMAN : FRANCHOT TONEI
COSTELLO : GIVE ME EUCALYPTUS TREE TREE TREE . L; ~ ~SOUND : RINGING ON LINE, RECEIVER UP o
IRIS : (ON FILTER) HELLO . . . N 00 COS TELLO : ( S WEET LY ) HELLO, LEEN IE WEEN IE . TH IS IS LOO IE WOO IE .
IFrIS : WHAT DO YOU WANT, YOU ~~ ~"DMG IV
COSTELLO : ABBOTT JUST TOID ME YOU WERE GOING TO LEAVE ME AND GO HOME
TO BROOKLYN . LENA, YOU CANIT LPAVE ME! YOU CANfT LEAVE ME
. . .THAT WOULD BE LIKE A S. ..INKING.,...... SHIP DESERTING A RAT....~, t IRIS : LISTEN TO ME, HELIUM HEAD! WHEN YOU BROUGHT ME OUT TO
HOLLYWOOD YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE A BIG SHOT t YOU TOLD ME
YOU HAD CONNECTIONS! WHY, YOU HAVLNfT GOT ENOUGH PULL TO
SNAP YOUR BUBBLE GUM I, . . IfM LEAV ING FOR BROOKLYN TON IGHT !
0 Source: http://industrydocuments.library.ucsf.edu/tobacco/docs/kjnb0079 COSTELL0 : I?LEASE LENA DONQ LEAVE l IF YOU LEAVE ME NOW IILL TAKL
P0IS0N t
?R IS : AND IF I STAY HEDE ANY LONGER yJIQ TAKE POISON j
WOMAN : THIS IS THE OPERATOR ; THAT ti'VII L BE FIFTY CENTS EXTRA 1 ---.... .:~,. ..~..,~...... ,..._..._. ~..»...... C O S TELL 0 : WHAT FOR ?
'~dOidLAivT : ITiS A POISON TO POISON CALL t
SOUND : RECI:IVER,DOWN
COSTELLO : OH ABBOTTi THIS IS A II0Q~II3LE PICwA-DICKAMENT j . . . . . 4 . .LENA IS GO ING TO LEAVE ME . I t hR GO TNG OUT IN THE ALLEY AND
TI-iROW MYSELF IN FRONT OF A BUS l
AI3BOTT t YOU DUl'rIMY, BUSSES SONIT RUN IN THE A~LLEY j l'dHY DON t T YOU
Cr0 OUT ON SUNSET BOULEVA ;;.D?
C OST]±'.LL0 : AAE YOU KIDDIN I? A MAN C OULD GET KILLED OUT TIiERi' •1
ABBOTT : YOU IMBECILE 1 I DONIT i3LAML, LENA FOP, 1!ANTTNG TO LEAVE YOUt
AFTER ALL THE LIES YOU TOLD HER 1 LEADING HER TO BELIEVE
YOU WERE A MAN OF PROMINENCE .l
COSTELLO : I DID NOT T I WAS NEVER IN RHODk{l ISLAND IN MY LIFE j . . . . .I COME FROM PATTERSON NOT PTjOMINENCE l'
AB130TT : OH TALK . SENSE COSTELLO 1 WHY DID YOU HAVE TO LIE TO LENA
AND LEAD IIZR TO BELIEVE TH0 YOU WERE A F :CNANC IAL `'VIZARD4 COSTL;LLO : A FINANC IAL WHAT?
ABBOTT : WIZARD 1 WIZARD l : .,.YOU KNOW WHAT A WIZARD IS?
C OSTELLO : SU i+' O A WIZZARD IS THE INSIDE OF A CHICKEN . ABBOTT : THAWS NOT W IZARD THAW GIZZARD 1
C OSTELLO : GIZZARD IS WHAT US KIDS CALL PJIY GRANDFATHER$` TI E OLD GIGZAIZD.j
ABBOTT : NO NO 1 COSTELLOp YOU CALL YOUR GRANDFATHER THE OLD GEEZERS
Source: http://industrydocuments.library.ucsf.edu/tobacco/docs/kjnb0079 »4••
COST'ELL0 : DONIT KID ME ABBOTT, THATIS IN YELLOWSTONE PATtK, OLD
.FAITHF'UL.~....~ GEE2ER.»..»..,.... .I
ABBOTT : THAT IS NOT A GEEZER...... ,...... WHAT YOU SAW IN YELLOWSTONE PARK IS
A GEYSER...... , . ..l COSTFLLO : OH I KNOW HIM VERY IVE'LL,
AtSf=,OTT : WHO?
COSTI='.LLO e HENRY GEYSER 1 . . . . THE SHIP BUILDTi'.R 1
ABBOTT : OH CUT THAT OUT COSTELLO= ItM ONLY TRYING TO TELL YOU THAT
LENA IS BRUSHING YOU OFF' l3 +'CAUSE YOU MADE FALSE STATEMEN` .I'S
ABOUT YOUR POSITION IN LIFE E WHY DIDN t T YOU TELL HER THE
TRUTH Z WHY DIDNIT YOU A-PPROACH HER WITH CANDOR...... I COSTELLO : WHY I)IDN IT I WHAT?
ABBOTT : YOU SHOULD HAVE APPROACHED HER 1VITIi CANDOR© I
COSTELLO : WHAT WOULD LENA WANT WITH ~CANDOR?..».__`..... HE~.~ .,IS... .A. .~MARRIED...~-...... MAN.._.... WTTH FIVE DAUGHTERS 1
ABBOTT : YOU NITINIT f I t M NOT TALKING A BOUT EDDIF, CANTCR. 1 I SAID
.CANDOR.....__._.._ . 01'....~.NDOA...».,.. MEANS .««TRUTH.,... ,.... I NOW GO TO LENA AND TELL HER THE TRUTH t TELL i R YOU t RE A POOR BOY 1
COSTIi,LLO : xIM AFRAID TO FACE LENAP ABBOTT . .
ABBOTT : COSTELLOO DONf T LET FEAR OVERCOME YOU E GO OVE'H_ TI]ERE AND
APPROACH HER WITH .HOPE3. ..«.,.. COSrfE .LLO : HOW DO YOU LIKE THIS GUY? FIRST HE WANTS PE- TO APPROACH
HER 1'JITH C .f~,~TM~'ORf NOW HE 1JANTS I0,' TO DRAG HOPE ALONG I
MAYBE I OUGHT TO BRING HER A BOTTLE OF COLLONAI
ABBOTT : COME ON COSTELLO, IILL GO OVER TO LENAIS HOUSE WITH YOU1
YOU Nti~ IVff,,l . I WILL GIVE YOU HOPE 1
C OSTI,LLO o ABBOTT r Ik~~ I HAD HOPE I WOULDN IT NEED _YOU j
ABBOTT : OH GET HIM OUT OF HERE t+~
MU~i PLAYOFF~1YOFF Source: http://industrydocuments.library.ucsf.edu/tobacco/docs/kjnb0079 f A pnr.nTrcV 1 ABBOTT & COSTELLO 10-18-45
NT)=,ES s '/Th.ank you, Bud# thank you$ Lou .
COSTELLO : Say Ken M whols your friend . . . . tho guy in tho nightgown?
N1:LESo /Tt isnft a nightgown, LoU . . .Tt+s a toga . . . .3ust what the
VJell-dressed Man .wore in ancient Gra4o4 . And this is
that famous wise man of some three thousand years ago . .,
Aesop . . . . or, anyway, a reasonable faesimi] .o thereof,
Okay, Aesop, the microphone is yours . . .givo with a provUrb .
RARN:E,TT o Ex.porienoo . , .,is the bost teacher .
NTLEr o And, in all seriousnessi experience is the best teacher .
What we learn by exporience means the most . And what
smokers learned in the cigarette shortage was plontyl
They smoked -» and were forced~ to comparo -- more brands than tht;y ~ d ordinarily try in a lifetime . And did
c;xperienoe toaoh them that nothing takes the place of thu
rich, full flavor and cool mildness of Camolts superb
blond off costlier tobaccos? Here 's the rosound3.ng,answer
...... toda.y moreo_pje want Camels than over before in
the history of this famous brandl
MU:SIC+o JLAND STNGS ~ C»~A-M•E•LS1
NLLE,Ro Camols t - the cigarette ex er3 .eneed smoker s a sk for
I overy t ime 1 /1",
p
Source: http://industrydocuments.library.ucsf.edu/tobacco/docs/kjnb0079 L7USSC s__ M .~~TN`i'RO e"HOy'V DEEP IS THE' Of1EAN" (FADE FOR )
I1rLES : And now hore 's Will Osborne and the orohostra with a
revival of one of Irving Berl.in ts greatest tunes -- "How
Deep Is Tho Oc©an" .
P.lJSTCB !HOWDEEP IS TH~k", pC :f? N!! _(UF~1'0 FZNISH_(ORCIi)
(APkLAU+SE)
p
Source: http://industrydocuments.library.ucsf.edu/tobacco/docs/kjnb0079 ABBOTT : 'COME ON COSTELLO! GET IN THE CAR1 IF WEtRE GOING TO ~"
LENA IS HOUSE, ljVE t LL HA VE TO HURRY 1 .,WHA T ARE YOU LOOKING
IN THAT GLOVE COMPARTMENT FOR?
COST :ELLO : ItM GETTING OUT MY GUN AND MY KNIFEI
AI~BOTT : YOUR GUN AND YOUR KNIFE?
COSTIELLO : SURE, I ALi'dAYS DRIVE WITH A GUN AND A KNIFE IN MY HANDS 1
A }3BOTT : WHY?
COSTELLO : SO I CAN S OOT UP ONE STREET AND CUT ACROSS THE OTHERI
ABBOTT : COME ON YOU DUIVIMY! IF' YOU DONIT GET A MOVE ON, LENA WILL
. BE GONE AND YOU MAY NEVER SEE HER AGAINI COSTELLO : 0 . K . ABBOTT, IILL STEP ON THE STARTER1
SOUND : ~~ CAR STARTER . . . .BACKFIRING . . .F!XPLOSION . . .LOUD METAL CRASHES
FINISH WITH LOUD PING
COSTELLO : HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT? . . . . I IM OUT OF GAS 1
ABBOTT : COSTELLO YOUILL NEVER DRIVE THAT CAR AGAIN! LETIS GO NEXT
DOOR AND ASK SCOT`1TY MAC100 IF HE ILL DR IVE US TO LENA IS
HOUSE,
COSTELLO : 0 . K, I'LL CALL HIM . (HOLLI+~S) OH SCOTTYl (LOUD WHIST.Lt;)
SOUNT) : I)00R OPENS
i~LP:i\lC : PLEASE LADDIES! WHEN YOU COME TO MY DOOR, PLF0,ASE DO NOT
!VHI STLE 1 . !'S2accrn COSTELl'0 : '!VHY D ON 'T YOU WANT ME TO WHISTLE, It9R . MACPdW?
BI'Ai;1C : WELL YOU SEE COSTELLO, MY DOG IS LYING IN FRONT OF THE FIRE PLACE, AND WHEN HE HEARS YOU WHISTLE HE WAGS HIS
T.A IL AND IT FAN S THE FIRE r~ ND MAKES THE WOOD BURN T 00 FA ST
COSTELLO : WELL I lM GLAD TO HEAR THAT YOUR DOG IS ONE OF MY FANS .
P Source: http://industrydocuments.library.ucsf.edu/tobacco/docs/kjnb0079 B/t'p 4u/N ABBOTT : MR, MAC 1 COSTELLOtS CAR IS OUT OF GAS AND HI;TS
GOT '1'0 GET OVER TO HIS GIRL FRIENDIS HOUSE RIGHT AWAY .
COULD YOU DRIVE US IN YOUR CAR?
I3.LANC : I tM SORRY LADDIES, I CAN f T LEAVE THE HOUSE . IIM JUST
GETTING READY TO GIVE MY WIFE HER LUNCH . . . . A GLASS OF
WATER AND A CRACKERZ
COSTELLO : AZR, MC~,w IS THAT ALL YOU GIVE YOUR WIFI{7 TO EAT? A
GLASS OF WATER AND A CRACKEEZ?
BLANC : WELL YOU SEE LADDIE VVE GOT TO GET HER WEIGHT DOWN TO
TH IRTY THREE POUNDS J
ABBOTT : WHY THIRTY THREE POUNDS?
}3LANC : WELL YOU SEE WE R IDE THE STREET CARS A LOT AND SHE IS
GETTING SO HEA V'Y. SHE 1VON f T FIT IN THE SU IT-CA SE?
SOUND : DOOR SLAM
ABBOTT : IMAGINE A MAN PUTTING H. ;CS WIFE IN A SUI~TCArSEI
C OSTE.L.LO : THAT IS THE ONLY WAY HE CAN KEEP HER IN HIS GR CPl
ABBOTT : OH NEVER MIND HIM COSTELLO . HERE C01VIES A STREET CAR,
LF,Tf S GET ON IT1
SOUND : ~ STREET CAR RUNNING ON, AND STOP ( CAR BELL ETC ) Ln ].~ZLES : WATCH YOUR STEP BOYS, HERE, IILL HELP YOU ON . NOW ~ L, W WATCH OUT WHEN I START UP1 I WO'ULDN IT WANT YOU TO a _j GET JOSTLE,, , , (AAUGHS) ,~
COSTELLO : ISN IT HE A SWEET CONDUCTOR ; ABflOTT? . . . . YOU KNOW MISTER
YOU LOOK EXACTLY LIKE MY AUNT MINNIE~ ALL BUT THE MUST!%CHIP4
NILES : I HAVEN 'T ANY MUSTACHEI
C OSTEL.LO : I KN OW BUT MY AUNT MINNIE HA S 1
SOUND : ~ CAR STARTING AND RUNNING (HOLn UNDER) p
Source: http://industrydocuments.library.ucsf.edu/tobacco/docs/kjnb0079 COSTELLO : GEE ABI30TTo THIS STREET CAIt IS CMTAINLY CPUlDTIPD!
.T, CAN HARDLY STAND UP1
;i10MfAN : (INDIGNANT) HEY YOU* FAT BOY# CAN YOU REACH THAT STRAP?
COSTT,LLO : SURE1 Nosif 4OIViAN : THEN WOULD YOU MIND LETTING GO OP MY "fO@R_, ! 2 wavr'a/F#,Fw#jl Y"'~Y.4r,Yr*ep Fa /J'a 4 A- cc~A T~ DN / T, C OSTE,LL, 0 : .~..,...... a~.,, ...... r....,.
ABBOTT : COME ON COS`1'ELLOj, LI+a'1'IS PUSH OUR WAY TO THE BACK OF THE
CAR, UVEtRE GETTING OFF AT THP : NEXT STOP, cl~i myos"1,-- BI
:.,A ]'1fC : JUST 1, SECOND TUBI3Y Z WHO .DO YOU THINK YOUR SHOV (HICK )
SHOV (HICK) SHOV (HICK)
C OSTELLO : SHOVING?
BLANC : NO PUSHINGE
ABBOT'L' : COSTELLOJ LOOK OUT I'OR THAT GUY1 HEIS GOT A GUN IN HIS
xiAND II
BLANC : DON IT GET SCARED ~ THERL+' IS NO BULLETS IN THIS GUN'
SOUNDe.. . _....,. _.. ~.... _ GUN SHOT BLANC, (GOON LAUGH ) I CAN NEVFIt REMEMBER WFixCH ONE OF US IS LOADI~"~ PA01H f 64.4 IV'3 COSTELLO : PLEASEI DON tT ENCOURAGE @~- Gf:`-4., HE GETS T'VIELVE
I:)OLLAIiS A HICCUPI
~SOUND. .._.. , : STREET. CAR STOPS N .,... . Ob ABt3 0']'T : C OME ON C OSTELLO . HERE IS INHEhE WE GET OFF d LOOK j u kD COSTELL01 THERE IS LENA GETTING INTO A TAXI WITH HER W cn I_3AGGA GE j
C OS`.[.':E,LL,O : ( I'ANICKY ) SHE CAN IT LEAVE ME 1 IfM GONNA STOP HER 3
(HOLLERS ) LENA 3 LENA !
IRIS : (COMING ON MIKE) DON IT TALK TO MEs YOU MIS 1' ABLE FAILURE .
WHY YOUIRE NOTHING BUT A P .F.C .
COSTELLO : I1IIQ A P F C? Source: http://industrydocuments.library.ucsf.edu/tobacco/docs/kjnb0079 «.10.,
IRI S : YFS, A PINHF•ADEl) FLABBY CR, UMBUN Z II M LEA VING Y 0[Y
COSTELLOI ItM GOING HOME TO I3ROOKLYNI
r 0 S T:~I_,LO : PLEA SE D ON I7! G 0, LENA . Y OU CAN f T LEA VE ME, PLEA SE,
PLEASE, I A PPEAL TO YOU AS A 1iVOM~,YN I
:CFtIS : YOU DONtT EVEN APPEAL TO ME AS -A MAN1
C 05T;LLO : LENA YOUtRE BREAKING MY HEART . I WARN YOU LENA IF YOU
LEAVE ME NOW TOMORROW MORNING AT SEVENrTHIRTY THE POLICE
WILL BE DRAGGING THE RIVER FOR MY BODY (SOB) FUT THEY
'dVON IT FIND MI,1
:E.tiIS : WHY NOT?
M ( COST.:LLO : IILL BE HOME IN BED I
:CIt IS : YOU IRE AI;.JAYS IN BED, YOU LAZY r,UNKHEAD 1 THE MAN I MARRY
I?AS GOT TO BE A GO GE'I'TER1 A MAN WHO CAN TAKE SOMETHING
SMALL AND ROLL IT INTO A FORTUNEI ....._._._,._ __., r._._...... ,...... ~. C OST :~~:GLO : BUT LENA, I STARTED T 0 DO THAT THIS iV10RNING 1
IRIS : 1iJHAT ARE YOU DOING?
C OS `.PELLO : SA_~ VING.._...... TINFOIL _..____..._. ._1 hi3]30T'].' : TINFOTL t . .YOU IDIOT, LENA WANTS A MAN WITH 14'IONEY 1 SHE t S
TALKING ABOUT MONEYI
COSTELLO : (HORRIFIED) MONEYI LENA, HOW CAN YOU BE SO MNiCz-IN-
AIRY, DONtT YOU KNObV THAT MON..~ EDOFsS NOT I3RING HAPPINESSI• r]t'f.c t NOi BUT IT CAN BRING ME THE KTND OF MISERY THAT I ENJOXI . .
1''A'1'SO WHY DON ~ T YOU GET `]'~ TO YOTJRSELFI BUCKLE DOt~VN1
SAVE YOUR MONEY ATr-v IN --FIFTEEN YEARS YOU~,, CAN RETIRE1 cn ~ AND YOU 'itifOrT'T HAVE TO W RK ANY MOREj Ln
C OSTI+ILLO a'' INHY SH OULD I WA IT FIFTEEN YEAR S? I A IN I7' WORKIN t NOW 1 ~ w ABBOT`1' :MISS GENSTER, DON t T BE TOO Q1HARI) ON C OSTELLO, WHY DON IT
YOU GIVE THE BOY ANOTHER CHANCE? p Source: http://industrydocuments.library.ucsf.edu/tobacco/docs/kjnb0079 IRIS t ALLRIGHT, COSTELLO I IIILL GIVE YOU ANOTHER CZ3:hNCa.po
GIVE YOU YjVENTY-FOUR HOURS TO MAKE SOMETHING OF YOURSELF!
GOODBYE1
COSTELLO : (HAPPY) OH ABBOTT THIS IS SO WOlVDER}±'UL1 LENA IS GONNA
GIVE ME ANOTHER CHANCE l SHE IS GONNA GIVE ME TWENTY-FOUR
HOURS TO MAKE GOOD! I LOVE EVIMYBODY! I FEEL SO HAPPY
TfM GOING TO DO SOMETHING SPECIAL FOR ALL YOU LOVELY
PROPLE THAT ARE L7:STENZNG . ,, . . . T AM GOING TO SING A LOVE
SONG!
KIRK ° (YELx.,S) OH NO NO! NOT THATI Cjo s'1"~r c c .ra ; J~'i1"revr i A c .c NiUSIC t PLAYOFF'F '
(APPLAUSF )
P
Source: http://industrydocuments.library.ucsf.edu/tobacco/docs/kjnb0079 ..12 ..
NtrSIC : ~~ 2NTR0 : "ALONG THE NAVAJO TRAIL" (FADE FOR s)
N?LFi;S : Lovely Connia Hainos stands in The Camol Spotlight now
with that song about an early Amoriaan highway . Connie
sings ..w imISTC o~~~ "ALONG THE NAVAJO TRAIL" UP TO FINISH) HAINES /
(APPLAUSE )
c.n ~ ~ ko
p
Source: http://industrydocuments.library.ucsf.edu/tobacco/docs/kjnb0079 ABB0TT & COSTELLO 10-18-45 "a3«
TIILES o '"IAh . Connie, timusic hath charms," .. .. .yy especial] when
youtre making it . I can 4,ust hear adoupl.o of folks
who Just heard you on their radio . ., in a living room in
Montana# maybo# or T'loridap New York# anypl.aee ., .
_....'r>Tt..~.._..;._ ..,e...._ (ORCHESTRA..__.~.,.._...... ~ ANI).._._,.._ ..CONNIF.._._._ . ...~...... REPEAT.. .~._...,,.w ..LAST..._.., STRA IN__....._..OF ..."NAVAJO...... TRA IL"
FORTEo Gir7l sure can sing, aan tt she?
(x!1EG(.z< Connie Haines? Shots swell . And ; incidantall.y, so is
this now radio iM of ours . Remember the old one? You
nover know what you're missi.ng, do you, ti1.ll you have to
do without it .
I17:.Lf,~ e See : Connie$ that 1 s what I mean when I keep saying that
it takes the exporionce of d,r oin5 without to make us
roally appreciate things we ~ro apt to take for granted .
Remember back in the cigarette shortage whon Camels were
so hard to get? Even though production was at its
highest point in Camcil history$ the civilian demand just
couldn 't be met, !Nel7,p pooplo, tried more different
brands than they'd normally try in a 1.ifet3.mee And did
they learn what thoy wore missing when they couldn't got
those; ......
PJIUSTC ° ~_(BAND SINGS) C-A-M»E-L-SE fTLES > Camels . . ,,wo11* horo ts what experience taught . . .mor :;
pooplo want Camols today than over before in the history
of this famous brandl o''"~
MUSIC CAMFL PLAY OF %F
1 , Source: http://industrydocuments.library.ucsf.edu/tobacco/docs/kjnb0079 .,Z4-
SOUND : tOUD POUNDING ON DOOR HOLDUNDER
ABBOTT : COSTELL02 COSTELLO UNLOCK THAT DOORI WHAT ARE YOU DOING
IN THERE?
SOUND : DOOR OPENS
COSTELLO : QUIET ABBOTT . I HAVE JUST COMPLETED AN INVENTION THAT WILL MAKE ME FAMOUSI LENA WILL NEVER LEAVE ME NOWJ IfM
GONNA BE RICH1 I JUST BUILT A MACHINE FOR SEVENTY-FIV E
CENTS THAT DOES WHAT SCIENTISTS HAVE SPENT BILLIONS OF
DOLLARS TO DO 1
ABBOTT t THAT SOUNDS WONDERFUL COSTELL01 A MACHINE FOR SEVENTY-FIVE
CENTS THAT WILL SAVE SCIENTISTS BILLIONS OF DOLLARS? WHAT
DOES IT DO?
COSTELLO : IILL SHOW YOU ABBOTT . GIVE ME YOUR HAT . . .NOW I PLACE THE
HAT ON THE MACHINE AND PRESS THE LEVER THAT LOWERS THIS
BIG CLEAVER !
SOUND : SLIDE WHISTLE DOWN--LOUD RIP OF CLOT H
ABBOTT : COSTELLO! YOUtVE RUINED MY HAT1 YOU CUT MY NEW ADAM HAT
IN HALF I
COSTELLO : HURRAY IT WORKSI IIVE SPLIT THE ADAM 1
ABB07'T : YOU DUMMY! WASTING YOUR TIME WITH THIS IDIOrrIC MACHINE .
LENAIS INTERESTED IN A RICH MAN . WHY DONtT YOU MAKE A
LOAN FROM YOUR UNCLE ARTIE STEBBINSI HEfS ALWAYS MADE
PLENTY .
COSTELLO : I CANtT ABBOTT, ARTIE IS DOINt TWENTY YEARS IN ALCATRAZ
FOR BEING IN COMPETITION WITH THE GOVERNMENT 1
A.BBOTT t ARTIE WAS IN COMPETITION WITH THE GOVERNMENT?
COSTELLO : YEAH, THEY WERE BOTH PRINTING THE SAME KIND OF MONEY !
i Source: http://industrydocuments.library.ucsf.edu/tobacco/docs/kjnb0079 -15- ABBOTT ; COSTELLO THIS IS HOPELESS, IlM AFRAID YOUIRE GOING TO LOSE'LENAZ
SOUND :,~ FAST KNOCK ON DOOR . DOOR OPENS "
FIELDS : AH GOOD EVENING GENTLEMEN, I UNDERSTAND THAT COSTELLO IS
ABOUT TO LOSE HIS GIRL UNLESS HE BECOMES FAMOUS IN
TWENTY-FOUR HOURSp AND I CAN HELP HIM . I AM THE WORLDtS
GREATEST PUBLICITY EXPERT . HERE IS MY CARD . PROFESSOR
MELLONHEAD, D .B .T .C .
COSTELLO : D . B . T . C .?
FIELDS : , YES, DON IT BEND THE CARDI C OSTELLO IIM GOING TO MAKE YOU
FAMOUS . IILL MAKE THE NAME 11LOU COSTELLO" A HOUSEHOLD
WORD, YOUILL BE ON THE TIP OF EVERYBODYIS TOr NGUE1
COSTELLOZ ON THE T IP OF EVERYBODY IS TONGUE?
FIELDS : YES1
COSTELLO : ItLL NEVER TAKE THE PLACE OF SEN SENI
FIELDS : COSTELLO I KNOW MY BUSINESSI FOR YEARS ItVE HAD MY NOSE TO THE GRINDSTONEJ
COSTELLO : IT LOOKS LIKE YOUR HEAD GOT IN THE WAY, BALDYI
FIELDS : COSTELLO I RESENT YOUR REFERENCES TO MY BALD PATEI WE
MELLONHEADS ARE A PROUD*LOT1 COSTh,LLO : YOU MELLONHEADS ARE A VACANT...... ~.. . LOT1...... , FIELDS : I'LL IGNORE THAT REMARK! MY JOB IS TO GIVE LOU COSTELLO A
BUILD-UP, AND ItM GOING TO GIVE LOU COSTELLO A BUILD UP . WHEN I FINISH MY PU$LICITY CAMPAIGN, EVERYBODY IN THE
WORLD WILL KNOW ABOUT LOU COSTELLOI
C OSTk;LLO t (PROUDLY) MELLONHFA•D YOU MEAN YOUtRE GOING TO MAKE THE
WORLD LOU COSTELLO C ONSCIOUS?
i Source: http://industrydocuments.library.ucsf.edu/tobacco/docs/kjnb0079 -Ig_
FIELDS * MY FIRST JOB WILL BE T 0 MAKE LOU COSTELLO CONSCIOUS 1 ......
MY IDEAS ARE REVOLUTIONARYl GARBO WANTING TO BE ALONEI
THAT WAS MY xDEA1 CROSBY AND HIS SLOW HORSESI THAT WAS
MY IDL;A1' LANA TURNER WEARING SWEATERSI THAT WAS MY IDEAJ Aian~nre~ A ND T HE1 QUI NT UPLET S!
COSTELLO : 1 DONIT TELL ME THAT...... ~.. WAS YOUR IDEAI
ABBOTT : GENTLEMEN GENTLEMENI WEIRE GETTING NO PLACE . PROFESSOR
MELLONHEAD, COSTELLO HAS ONLY A FEW HOURS LEFT TO BECOME
FAMOUS OR LOSE HIS GIRL . WHAT WOULD YOU SUGGEST?
FIELDS : ItVE GOT ITl COSTELLO WILL FLY AROUND THE WORLD!
COSTELLO : BUT MELLONHEAD, PEOPLE HAVE FLOWN AROUND THE WORLD BEFOREI
FIELDS : I KNOW, BUT THEY USED PLANESJ
COSTELLO : OH AND YOU WANT ME TO FLY WITHOUT (TAKE) W000 WO W000 WO . .
ABBOTT GET HIM OUT OF HEREl
ABBOTT : BE QUIET. COSTELLO . LET THE PROFESSOR EXPLAIN IT TO YOU3
FIELDS : COSTELLO AT FOUR O'CLOCK THIS AFTERNOON IN GRIFFITH PARK
THE FAMOUS INVENTOR DR . WALDEML;RE WATCHCHAIN IS
DEMONSTRATING HIS JET PROPELLED HUMAN ROCKET . NOW WHEN
THE PROFESSOR SAYS, "WHO WILL VOLUNTEER TO BE SHOT OUT OF
THIS F~OC KiT1" WHO DO YOU THINK SMEPS FORWARD?
COSTELLO : WHO?
FIELDS : YOUZ
COSTELLO : WHO PU ~ ME?
FIELDS : COSTELLO, YOUIRE AFRAIDI
ABBOTT : MELLONHEAI1, COSTELLO IS NOT AFRAID3 HE ILL BE THERE AT
FOUR OICLOCKl
COSTI:JLLO : ABBOTT, I AM AFRAIDI
ABBOTT : COSTELLO THAT f S RIDICULOUS3 JUST KEEP SAYING TO YOURSELF'
"xfM NOT AFRAIDI IfM NOT AFRAIDI IfM NOT AFRAIDI" i Source: http://industrydocuments.library.ucsf.edu/tobacco/docs/kjnb0079 -17'. COSTELLO : ALLRIGHT, ABBOTT, ItLL SAY IT, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT A LIAR
I AM 1
MUSIC : BRIDGE TO
NILES : LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IN EXACTLY FIVE MINUTES YOU WILL
WITNI.'SS THE GREATEST SCIENTIFIC EXPERIMENT OF ALL TIiVIE t
DR'. WALDEMERE WATCHCHAIN IS JET PROPELLED ROCKI',T TUBE WILI~
LAUNCH A HUMAN BEING AND SEND HIS BODY HURTLING AROUND THE
WORLD, A DISTANCE OF TWENTY-FIVE THOUSAND MILES IN
EXACTLY SEVEN MINUTES I, WATOH CLOSELY FOLKS, AS THE ROCKET
WILL TAKE OFF' WITH A TERRIFIC JERK l
COSTf!;LLO : HE MEANS ME, :F'OLKS 1
ABBOTT : COSTELLO, COSTELLO, HERE COM; S LENA,
IRIS : WELL F'AT BOY, AT LAST YOUIRE GOING TO DO SOMETHING TO MAKE
ME PROUD OF YOU t AT LAST YOU'RE GOING TO BE FAMOUS 1 WHEN
THAT ROCKET EXPLODES, LOU COSTELLO WILL BE Z, EARED ACROSS
THE FRONT PAGE OF EVERY PAPER IN THE COUNTRY t
COSTELLO : ., . .THERE WONI T BE ENOUGH PAPERS TO WIPE UP THE SMEAR 1
( CRYS ) ABBOTT t YOU GOT TO GET ME OUT OF THIS . .I'M TOO
YOUNG AND BEAUTIFUL TO DIE l AND BESIDES, I HAVEN IT DONE PdIY CHRISTMAS SHOPPING YET 1
ABBOTT : BUCK UP, COSTELLO, t
ITdS : YES 1 QUIT SNIVELLING . BE A MAN i WHERE' S YOUR SPUNK? COSTELLO : MY VdiAT?
1tfIS : YOUR SPUNK 1 ----.w.,. C OS`1'ELL 0 : HOW C OULD A LITTLE ANIMAL LIKE THAT HELP N1E? v, ~ F IELDS : (FADE I. N) C OS`i'ELLO S C OSTELL 0 1 . . . . Ln w COSTELLO : HIDE ME ABBOTT t HE'r?E COMES THAT MELLONHEAD t ~ ~ w
G
Source: http://industrydocuments.library.ucsf.edu/tobacco/docs/kjnb0079 FIE]:,A9S : LOOK C OSTELLOj THEX tRE II OJ :,L]:NG ':i'H); ROCKET INT 0
T'OSI'J.' IONj STAND BACIi EVIERYBODYj C oME COSTELLO, I WAITT
YOU T0 hMET THE GREAT DR, WALDEMERE WATCHCHAINi THE
Tl,',iV'I'AI-, MARVEL liTI-IOSE A7AGIC LttAIN CONCEIVED THIS ROUI-II)
TIP ~ WORLD ROCY,,ETj Dfi, %~1ATCHCHATNy SAY HELLO TO :GOU
C CS`:L'ELL01
BLANC S YUC Ii. YUC Ii YUC ii: YUC K, ,,,, HIaGL 0 j
C OS`.!-'ELL08 DID L'VERYBODY HEAIZ WHAT I HEARD?, ,,, .,,, . ARE YOU THE GUY
`I'IlA`J' INVENTED THIS JUT 1'E;OPEL,LED' ROCKET?
hLAITC : ( C:r OON :6FI UGH ) DA DA DA DA DA I)A`T' t S ME j
COSTE7~7,0« `T'1:{ :~S CTUY LOOKS LIK}~, SOMETHSNG THAT WAS .I,EFT.~,,..._._ ....OVER...... _. FROM TAK: ~ T`l:' 0h )JEAVE :ITi (YELLS ) ABi30TT GET ME OU`T' 01' 1_=iER} ; j
AhI3(Y.C~I:' : CALM DOWN COS`.CIjaLLOj DR . ti1TATCI-ICHAIN' WILL YOU .E~iL1;7:1I T 0
COSTE'LLO EXACTLY WIiP17' THE Ja!;T PROPELLED ROCKE-JT IS?
BTANC : OT;: SUI<<~$ . DA DA DA :CTt S A GREAT BIG THING . IT C:TG aS ZOOM
ZOOM AND I'FFl' PFFrI.' AND THEN IT FLIES AND STUFF LIIiFTIIAx'
T ITEILF', . (G O oN LA UGH )
AI3BCIT'7.' : COSTI+.;LLOj THIS MAN :il'T0WS !`JHAT HEIS TALKING ABO'Url'1
C OST ELLO : YEAH' HIP4I. AND . NOBODY....~_ .. .. . ~LSE1._. ._ . 10IELDS : C OSTELL09 IT t S TIME FOR YOUR FLIGHT AROUND THE WORLD j
yVia:T_J:; YOU ARE STRAPPING ON YOUR TWOwWAY RADIOs
D1t . WA7.' CHCHA IN W1: .LL TEST THE R OCKET J92S j
BLA ETC : ( G 0 ON 7:,AUG H) YFAH j
FIM,DS : `.i.'E'ST iQ'UMBER ONE J~,~'I'3
I3LANC : 1MIIIIIFIt1 1iSIFI' j
FIELDS : NUNff-3F,ZI TWO JE`T' j
BLANC : WIi}l:~ ~±IT aISH'1~ j
FIELDS : NUI,ZBER `J~I=iREE JET j w
Source: http://industrydocuments.library.ucsf.edu/tobacco/docs/kjnb0079 (REVISED) -19 .
I3IANC : ( SH ORT S PURT )
COSTI,LLO : YOUID BETTER GET THAT ONE F]XE)1
F]:E LT)S : WEIRE READY, COSTELLO! CLIMB INTO THE ROCKET TUBE!
COSTELLO : HERE I GOl GOODBYE, LENA! GOODBYE, EVERYBODY!
ALL : GOODBYE, COSTELLO!
S OUND : LOUD METALLIC CLANKING AND METAL DOOR SIAM
}3IANC : (GOON LAUGH)' I WILL NOW FIRE THE ROCKET!
~S OUNI) : . EXPLOSION . PAUSE . SLIDE WHISTLE UP . PAUSE . S LIDE WHISTLE DOWN . TERRIFIC CRASH
ABBOT'!.' : LOOK, THE ROCKET CAME DOWN . ]:DS' GOING INTO THE GROUND ! F]:ELDS : THIS IS TERRIBLE! THE ROCKET IS GOING DEEPER AND DEEPER
INTO THE GROUND ! IT fS OUT OF S IGHT !
ABBOTT : COSTELLO! COSTELLO! SPEAK TO ME ON YOUR TWO-WAY RADIO!
WHERE ARE YOU? WHERE ARE YOU, COSTELLO!
SOUNI) : CRACKLING OF FLAMES
COSTli,'LLO : (ON FILTER) ABBOTT, IlM WAY DOWN HERE IN THE GROUND .
I DON IT KNOW WHAT THEY CALL TH IS PLACEJ BUT IT fS AWFUL
HOT ! THERE t S F LAMES A LL A ROUND ME AND A LOT OF GUYS WITH
HORNS AND TAILS AND THEY ALL GOT SHARP PITCH FORKS IN
THEIR HANDS .
A}3B0TT : PITCH FORKS!
COSTELLO : YES ; AND THEME STICKIN I THE PITCH FORKS INTO A GUY WITH
A LITTLE BLACK MUSTACHEI . . . HERE, I tLL LET HIM TALK TO YOU .
BLANC : (DOES HITLER - ENDING WITH r) I'M A BAAAAAAAD B00000Y1 MUS I C
: P LAY.OFF
(APPLAUSE)
0
Source: http://industrydocuments.library.ucsf.edu/tobacco/docs/kjnb0079 fa•. T~Z :CLt,S : i Abbott and Costello will be back for Camel Cigarettes
In just a moment . And now, this weoki s salute in the
new series of salutes to the men who won the Victoryie" %~
;;1tTSIC : hli1~F'~'iRE
'I'ona.ght we salute the First 1Karino Division, those he-roes
with the blue diamond shoulder patcho veterans o,, .°
Guadalcanal, Cape Gloucesteri k'olela.u, Okinawa, In your
honor, mon of the First Marine Division, the nlakers of
Camels are sondin~,r to your folloyr servicemen overseas
five hundred thousand Cstmol c3.carettesie-111 r NiUSTC s FANFARE
NZ:LES : f~aoh the two Camel shows thus honors the different :f
units of the Army, Navy, It-Zarines.i and Coast Guard -- a
total of a million Camels sent free each week . Camol
broadcasts go out to the Un :ited States twice a week, are
robroadoast to practically every area in the word wherc
our man aro stationed and, in cooperation with the Good
ideighbor policy, also to Cerrcral and South Amorica .M-
Liston next Thursday whon Camel again presents, f"ibbott
and Costellop
MUS1C 2 ,q M
( A J' PT1AUSE )
w
Source: http://industrydocuments.library.ucsf.edu/tobacco/docs/kjnb0079 I ~A P~.2cG~,FHAN : ~~"'Your own community . . .your servicemen who are still
all over the world . . .and our Allies who helped bring
Victory al]l are helped by your contribution to the
National War Fund . Give now . . .and give generously .
.JIUS TC : THEME
0
Source: http://industrydocuments.library.ucsf.edu/tobacco/docs/kjnb0079 -2?w
NI LES : AND NOW HERE ARE BUD ABBOTT AND LOU COSTELLO
WITH A F INAL 1110RD I
ABBOTT : WLLL, COSTELLO, THAT RTll}+ IN DR . WATCHCHA :LN IS ROCKET
MUST HAVE BEEN ABOUT THE FASTEST RIDE ANY MAN EVER TOOK .
COSTELLO : OH, I DON IT KNOW, ABBOTT, I CAN DRIVE FASTER THAN THAT
IN MY CAR 1
ABBOTT : HOW FAST 7IILL YOUR CAR GO?
COST11"LlA : IT GOES SO..~ ...FAST __...... _THAT EVERY TIME I PASS A BOWLING..~. ALLEY
THE PIN BOYS RUN OUT AND SET....__ .,UP.r_ THE PEDESTRIANS_...... 1 ABBOTT : OH, GET HIM OUT OF HERE . . .GOODNIGHT, FOLKS .
COSTELLO : GOODNIGHT, EVERYBODYI
MUS IC : THEME UP - HOLD UNDER
(APPLAUSE)
NILES : "''YES, FOLKS, BE SURE TO TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR ANOTHER
GREAT ABBOTT AND COSTELLO SHOW, BROUGHT TO YOU BY
CAMEL CIGARETTES . . . AND REMEMBER - CAMELS ARE WORTH
, ASKING FOR EVERY T IME , SEE FOR YOURSELF HOW CAMELt S
MILDNESS, C00LNESS, AND FLAVOR CLICK WITH YOU1"`~-
IvIUS IC : ~ THEME UP AND UNDER AND FADE OUT ON CUE
0
Source: http://industrydocuments.library.ucsf.edu/tobacco/docs/kjnb0079 .,23.. ABBO`I"1.' & COTELLO - 10/18/45
2t + s a pipe 1 yUSIC (F'LUTE NOTES
N ILES : The Pipes of Pan . . .the joyous sound symbolizing Spring
according to old mythology . And herets another sound
tha tte born of another kind of pj.pe . . .
(ISOLATION BOOTH)
BARREPTT : Ahhhhhhh
TMCELLE' : A man whose pipe is loaded with Prince Albert Smoking . Prince Albert . . .rich, Tobacco makes that.._.~__.. contented sound full-bodied, lusty with real ."he-man" tobacco flavor, but
as gentle to your tongue as sweet music to the ear . A
special no-bite treatment leaves in the flavor, takes
out the tongue-punishment . A1so, Prince Albert is crimp
cut for firm packing, smooth drawing, even burningp
right down tp the bottom of the bowl« Switch to Prince ,a. Al.bert . . .right nowl (Saturday night, be sure to listen to the Prince Albert program "- Grand Ole Opry -- broadcast
coast to coast every Saturday night on NBC .)y
Ln ~ ~ iLn
~ J
l0
Source: http://industrydocuments.library.ucsf.edu/tobacco/docs/kjnb0079 .,24..
MUSIC : SNEAK IN THEME - UP M. FADE FOR :
NILES : ~`The Abbott and Costello show for Camel Cigarettes
wi.11l be back at this very same time next week, don tt
miss it ...... This is Ken Niles in Hollywood wishing
you a pleasant good nightl
(APPLAUSE )
MUSI:C : THEME TO FINISH
NBC ANNCR : THIS IS THE NATIONAL BROADCASTINCt COMPANY . ~
Source: http://industrydocuments.library.ucsf.edu/tobacco/docs/kjnb0079