Separated at junk?

Amy Winehouse, Evil Publisher deathly fl oozie... Paul Fallon ([email protected])

Evil Editor in Chief Allan Uthman ([email protected])

Evil Editor/Art Director Ian Murphy ([email protected])

Evil Associate Editor Paul Jones ...and Keith Richards, Evil Movie Guy invincible bluesy? Michael Gildea ([email protected])

Evil Contributors Matt Taibbi, Stan Goff, Steve Gor- don, Tina Dupuy, Mark Dudlik

Evil Comics Matt Bors, Stephen Notley, Nicholas Gurewitch, Brian McFadden

Defi nitely Not An Intern Andrew Blake

FOR ADVERTISING RATES & INFO CALL PAUL (716) 830-2931

WARNING: This publication contains profanity and unpopular opinions, and may inform you. Uptight ninnies and libel lawyers are advised to put it down and back away slowly.

712 Main St. Buffalo, NY 14202 Phone: (716) 856-4355 Fax: (716) 362-0619

Letters to the Editors should be addressed to: [email protected]

2 The BEAST ~ March, 2008 ~ ISSUE # 124 ~ buffalobeast.com A Brief Message From the Girls of Africa:

Greetings, American sisters, from the African continent! It is our distinguished honor to introduce this special “Women’s History Month” edition of The BEAST. We extend our hands to you in solidarity, as the united sisterhood of the world, in recognition of all that you have accomplished. You are a beacon of hope to women everywhere!

In fact, we have a very specifi c hope—a yearning, really, with which only you as women could empathize, and that it is our sincerest wish you would satisfy: please send us your clitorises. It is our understanding—and please, forgive our provincial frankness—that you have very little use for the clitoris in your country. We have heard that most American women are so insolent, physically repugnant and emotionally unstable that very few men fi nd you sexually desirable. Indeed many of them come here to have sex with us, and we often hear stories afterwards about their wives and girlfriends. They say to even consider the act with you it is necessary to indulge in quantities of intoxicants so great as to render them physically incapacitated.

We don’t have any such problems attracting men. Between the incessant warring and various campaigns of genocide, as well as the aforementioned sex tourism, there is no shortage of fornication here! But without a clitoris, it is joyless. We’d like to come just once before we’re tortured or killed. That could be any minute.

So, please, mail us your clitorises today. And have a fruitful “Women’s History Month”.

4 Telecom Immunodeficiency Syndrome 28 Matt Taibbi’s Sports Blotter 7 Clinton v. Cobra 30 Kino Korner... Movie Trailer Reviews 8 BEAST Guide to HERstory 34 [SIC]... We Ridicule Your Letters

11 How to Snag a Man! 39 BEAST-O-SCOPES

12 An Encounter with Chris Matthews THIS ISSUE’S DEAD LEDGER 14 Recession Recipes

16 BEAST Guide to Bulimia

18 Youth Voters are slackers

20 The 1st 100 days: A Photo Essay

22 Ledger, Lohan, & Leeches 24 “Remember kids: Don’t do more HGH: Is it right for you? than fi ve drugs at the same time.”

The BEAST ~ March, 2008 ~ ISSUE # 124 ~ buffalobeast.com 3 Immune to Reality Why is telecom immunity so important to Bush?

By Allan Uthman cliché if ever there was one. congress’s constitutional oversight The second issue, which the indignant powers. Of course, it’s only natural that omething astonishing happened Republicans preferred to discuss, for the Republicans would shudder at the the other day in the House: The obvious reasons, was the House Democrats’ prospect of effective investigations being Democratic leadership found refusal to cave on retroactive immunity for conducted in the House. If the Democrats S some courage. After over a year telecom companies, like AT&T and Sprint, actually start following through on the of demoralizing, often inexplicable for collaborating with the White House in legal options to compel testimony, it’s capitulation, they actually gathered the spying on domestic internet and phone only a matter of time before everyone’s fortitude to push back slightly against communications, which, to be clear, was implicated. But telecom immunity? Republicans on so-called national security tremendously illegal. issues. The Republicans’ response was Republicans are, of course, fundamentally swift: They took their ball and went home, What’s less encouraging, but interesting, pro-corporate, even moreso than modern after a brief stop at a prearranged press is that the Democrats were ready to sign Democrats. But to go to bat this hard on conference on the Capitol steps. off on extending the repugnantly named behalf of an industry seems anomalous Protect America Act, except for telecom even for them. All a congressman usually Two issues caused the dispute: One, in a immunity. To Bush, this made the bill dead has to do for his biennial bribe is vote stunning display of rudimentary oversight, on arrival. That’s right; Bush promised to in a corporation’s interests, not engage the House issued contempt citations veto the bill if it reached his desk without a in tantrum theatrics. There’s more than for two former Bush staffers, Harriet get out of jail free card for Comcast. pedestrian corruption at work here. Meiers and Josh Bolten, who’ve been ducking House subpoenas for months It’s hard to line that up with the apocalyptic Of course, there is the terror issue, and in now. This was predictably dismissed by tenor of Bush’s exhortations regarding the a most perilous election year, Republicans weepy Minority Whip John Boehner as a bill. If the warrantless domestic spying would like nothing more than to be able to “partisan fi shing expedition,” a boilerplate provisions of the Act were not renewed, run on the “Dems are sissies” platform. If Bush warned, Osama they can keep people frightened and badly bin Laden would misinformed, they may manage to make rain fi re upon us all. telecom amnesty into a winning issue for But he was planning them come November. to veto them if they came to him without But to do that, they have to lie. A lot. They immunity. Naturally, have to feign outrage, and actual concern this makes no fucking for the wellbeing of their fellow Americans. sense. Either Bush is They’re doing their level best. To hear willing to risk another Republicans tell it, requiring a rubber- 9/11 to embarrass the stamp warrant, after the fact, to spy on Democrats, or he’s lying Americans is like mailing plutonium to when it comes to the Iran. Bush’s spiel was grade A horseshit (like the fourth threat posed by having from start to fi nish: amendment). to get a FISA warrant— retroactively, after “Because Congress failed to act, it will be the fact—for domestic harder for our government to keep you surveillance. I think safe from terrorist attack. At midnight, he’s lying, but I suppose the Attorney General and the Director of it could be both. National Intelligence will be stripped of their power to authorize new surveillance It’s interesting that against terrorist threats abroad. This these issues are what it means that as terrorists change their takes to really outrage tactics to avoid our surveillance, we may Republicans—threaten not have the tools we need to continue huge corporate giants tracking them—and we may lose a vital with lawsuits, or exercise lead that could prevent an attack on

4 The BEAST ~ March, 2008 ~ ISSUE # 124 ~ buffalobeast.com America.... Instead, the House held What the hell is going on here? When you not to give the administration the benefi t partisan votes that do nothing to keep compare the truths of this dispute with of the doubt.” our country safer. House leaders chose the rhetoric from the White House and politics over protecting the country—and its mouthpieces, there’s really no other The benefi t of the doubt? A judgment call? our country is at greater risk as a result.” conclusion than that this country has Sorry Bill, but fuck you. Your judgment’s gone fucking bonkers. Reality and public been shit; your President’s judgment’s Then sign the bill without the telecom perception don’t even share a zip code been shit, and both of you are documented amnesty provision, and work on that part anymore. After years of constant, obvious liars. So forgive the hell out of the rest of us later. If it’s nearly as vital as Bush says, lies, their ridiculousness compounded by if there’s no doubt to benefi t from when it he’s providing aid and comfort to the countless revelations of their falsehood, comes to whether the president is a fucking enemy by not compromising, right? Bush is still sticking with the same fraud. The entire administration is a despicable, transparently manipulative fraud. Every department is a fraud, staffed “If the Protect America Act is allowed to bogeyman bullshit he started with. And by fraudulent people, hostile to its stated expire, Americans will be at risk,” echoed like-minded jackasses in the media, like mission and intent or it’s nullifi cation, by Boehner, despite having just voted against Bill Kristol on Fox News Sunday, still have death or paralysis. There may never be a three-week extension on the bill, like all the inconceivable gall to say things like, proof, especially if Bush gets his way, but his fellow Republicans in the House. “I think it’s kind of unbelievable, frankly, what thinking person can muster much that—it’s a judgment call, we don’t know— doubt that the administration is listening not just for terrorist chatter, but to anyone they want—political enemies, reporters, chicks they’re into—whoever.

In 2006, after Andrea Mitchell asked New York Times reporter James Risen, who broke the domestic spying story, out of the blue, “You don’t have any information, Super Delegates for instance, that a very prominent journalist, Christiane Amanpour, might Name: Margie and Dave have been eavesdropped upon?” Risen did not, but NBC scrubbed the question Turn-ons: Partisan machine from its transcripts of the interview, politics, old-school oligar- later explaining that the story had been chies, convention schmooz- “released prematurely,” that they had ing, quid pro quos and nullify- not “completed” their reporting. But they ing the will of the electorate. didn’t call the allegation irresponsible, or speculative, or any other dismissive Turn-offs: The constitution, adjective they could have used. They representative democracy, essentially confi rmed that they had landless peasants and any- reason to believe that Bush was secretly thing with Martin Lawrence. wiretapping a prominent CNN reporter.

How we got to be The And why the hell wouldn’t he, after all? BEAST Page 5 Democracy Without a reviewable record of warrants, Usurpers: Funny story actually; in the seventies, the American populace was it’s not as if anyone can possibly fi nd getting dangerously close to choosing the party nominees through a series of out—unless somebody sues the telecoms, arcane state primaries and caucuses—of course, this wouldn’t do at all. Natu- and specifi c, decidedly non-terrorist rally, we needed to wrest that power away from the dregs of society by institut- surveillance targets are identifi ed in the ing a special group of current and former elected offi ceholders, party offi cials ensuing discovery process. And that is and pledged wealthy elites that can vote as delegates without being beholden why the Republicans are going apeshit to the primary votes cast by citizens—for their own good, ostensibly. over retroactive immunity, not just to protect the telecoms, but to cover their Future Plans: Well, on the Republican side we represent 463 out of total own asses. If it ever comes out that their 2,380 delegates, and on the Democratic side we’re 796 of 3,253. With only secret, illegal domestic wiretaps were not 1,191 and 2,025 needed to win those contests, respectively, we plan on rig- targeting al Qaeda, but Al Gore, the jig ging that shit good—we mean, um, spreading freedom or something. is fi nally up. The entire “trust us, we’re hunting terrorists” rationale, as thin as it How we’d like to be remembered: As the obscenely powerful and overly-bo- always was, will lose any residual integrity, toxed face of the political elite that the poor, benighted American herd needs to and the GOP may never recover. And they make the proper decisions. Actually, can we change our answer, because we know it. kinda want to do this again in 2012? Of course we can change our answer. We can do whatever the fuck we want. Suck it, bitches! And maybe, hopefully, the Democrats fi nally know it too.

The BEAST ~ March, 2008 ~ ISSUE # 124 ~ buffalobeast.com 5 IF ONLY YOU’D USED YOUR SMALL BRAIN!

“I shouldn’t have been such a dumb fucking cunt!”

Sanka’s smooth, rich blend brews instantly, for that impatient and violent man in your life. The full fl avor is fi t for any company—and you’ll never have to tell them you “fell down the stairs” again!

If you buy anything else you’re asking for it!

6 The BEAST ~ March, 2008 ~ ISSUE # 124 ~ buffalobeast.com HILLARY or COBRA COMMANDER? A Post-Feminist Critique By Erich Shulte

ike many people on the left, or is threatened, he demands retreat and changed everything. People wore hats on even the center left, I will wet my then blames others for the failures of his their feet and hamburgers ate people! So L pants with impotent rage if Hillary ill-conceived campaigns. she switched from video games to things Clinton gets the Democratic nomination like the fourth amendment via shit like for president. This would be true in AFFILIATIONS the Patriot Act. She had patriot fever! She any year, but with Republicans on the Hillary Clinton: She got her real start also has a 33% rating from the ACLU for ropes after a disastrous and historically as a corporate lawyer, pulling down six 2006-07. unpopular administration, in a year when fi gures at the service of such clients as the Democrats could probably get the GE, ALCOA (named one of the ten most Cobra Commander: A longstanding corpse of Eugene Debs into offi ce, there toxic companies in the country by The proponent of violence in media, including is a strong chance they will choose a Political Economy Research Institute) and television, movies and comic books, repellent, center-right shrew. They might Wal-Mart (named one of the ten biggest especially directed at children. While a as well run Cobra Commander. No, really. boxes of dicks by The American Institute dissident himself, Cobra Commander I follow politics closely, and loved GI Joe for the Study of Shitbirds). She began her takes no lip. as a kid, so the obvious similarities struck political life as a Nixon supporter, then me right away. But the more I googled built a political career in Arkansas, The CRIME and learned about the two leaders, the Rickets State. Hillary Clinton: Her pastimes include muddier the distinction became between fl ailing pompoms as retards are executed Cobra Commander and his terribly Cobra Commander: He has a close, by the state. She’s such a staunch drug disfi gured face and Hillary Clinton with if contentious relationship with arms warrior that she supported the Violent her Christian Okoye thighs. dealer Destro. His mask is manufactured Crime Control and Law Enforcement Act by ALCOA. While not a Nixon supporter, of 1994, which included a provision for WAR Cobra Commander was often willing to the execution of drug traffi ckers. Yes, the Hillary Clinton: Opportunistic hawk. work with Serpentor. He built a terrorist death penalty for pushing dope. She was for the war in Iraq when she group with aid of Dreadnaughts. Cobra Commander: Also favors the death thought it would make her look good, penalty in grossly unjust circumstances, paying no regard to the death and PERSONAL WEALTH such as mild insubordination. However, destruction it would create. And don’t give Hillary Clinton: As mentioned, she was he favors soft sentences for heads of me any nonsense about bad intelligence. a sleazy corporate lawyer. She made a international terrorist organizations. All you needed to know was that Iraq was buttload of money betting lavender chips less involved with terrorism, or any other on the futures markets with only one FUNDING type of threat to the US, than almost any problem: She always guessed right. Made Hillary Clinton: Although the fi nancing other country in the Islamic world. Who more money in a real estate scam for of Hillary’s campaign by pharmaceutical gives a fuck if they had some mobile homes which over twenty people were indicted. industry is often discussed, it is less well and aluminum tubes? When the going got Chalked all criticism up to a vast right known that she has received signifi cantly tough during her war, Hippobottomus wing conspiracy that she would devote more money from defense contractors took an ambiguous stance. Now, when herself to fi ghting. than any other Democrat. Perhaps this doing so is crucial for the nomination, she is because she says things like “I don’t talks about bringing the troops home, just Cobra Commander: Started out as a believe that any president should make as a glimmer of hope for rebuilding Iraq used car salesman, but built his fortune any blanket statements with respect to the to some degree seems to be emerging. and revived a small city with a company use or nonuse of nuclear weapons” and As to her role in the whole debacle, she called Arbco. When the government ruled took the astonishing measure of opposing is casting blame for failure in Iraq and that Arbco was an illegal pyramid scheme George W. Bush’s efforts to terminate her own support for the war on anybody he claimed to have been “ground under multiple arms programs. Drink that in. available. the wheels” of government oppression Cobra Commander: Cowardly hawk. and vowed to fi ght back. Cobra Commander: Although he got He demands total courage and selfl essness started with the pyramid scheme, COBRA from foot soldiers, has no regard for the CIVIL LIBERTIES derives most of it’s funding through arms risk of his own men or innocent life and Hillary Clinton: Spent her early career dealing and fomenting wars so it can berates the slightest failure. Yet when in the senate on a holy jihad against curse sell to both sides. Of course, the defense the bullets are fl ying, he is never the one words, boobies and violent video games. companies funding Hillary would never to make the ultimate sacrifi ce—safely The idea was that the government would be involved in anything like that. parachuting or leaping away from an take action to alter media content, but it exploding vehicle. As soon as his own ass wouldn’t count as censorship. Then 9/11

The BEAST ~ March, 2008 ~ ISSUE # 124 ~ buffalobeast.com 7 The BEAST Abridged GUIDE TO HERSTORY Because it’s March and we care, and stu

arch is Women’s History Beginning of Time: Eve invents evil, 1558: Elizabeth I of England becomes Month. And you’ve come a long dooms humanity. Many things we enjoy fi rst and last monarch of the Tudor way, baby! We at The BEAST today would never have been possible dynasty. Her sagacious rule helps crush M have compiled a brief, yet without the technological breakthrough of the Spanish Armada, and she never got comprehensive, list celebrating Herstory. that brave and disobedient rib—like, the laid, ever, really, look it up. We hope it has broad appeal. iPod. 1776: Betsy Ross smashes feminine Shortly after: Joan Rivers is born. She’s stereotypes by sewing a pretty fl ag—with old. non-slimming horizontal stripes!

3000 BC: Meryt-Neith breaks the mud- brick ceiling, becoming third ruler of the fi rst Egyptian dynasty.

30 BC: Cleopatra ends the reign of Egyptian pharaohs with a self-infl icted asp bite, looks bangin’ in metal bra.

A few years later: Mary takes God’s virginity in the backseat of a Chrysler convertible.

60 AD: Warrior-Queen Boudicca suffers critical wardrobe malfunction while defending England from the Romans. Many Herstorians agree that her exposed 1847: Shirley Jessup makes fi rst delivery breast was a decisive factor in demoralizing of the Cotton Pony Express. the Iceni people and lead ultimately to Rome’s victory. 1870: Susan B. Anthony does things. 360: Hypatia of Alexandria born into 1900: Marie Curie pioneers the science of wealthy, educated family and becomes radioactivity, slowly poisoning herself and the fi rst woman mathematician of note. her husband. Her work with hair pi is still taught in sororities today. 1934: Nazi fi lm propagandist Leni Riefenstahl releases Triumph des Willens. 1151: Hildegard of Bingen, a German Her aesthetic style and photographic abbess, artist and polymath composes techniques are still hailed as genius by her Ordo Virtutum—the fi rst form of today’s experts, the Nazi twat. opera. She would go on to pen Generalus Hospitium—the fi rst soap opera. 1954: Oprah Winfrey begins plan of world domination. 1429: A schizophrenic 17 year-old named Joan D’Arc wields the entire French army 1960: The FDA approves the birth control in a bloody crusade to recapture land the pill, spurring the Pentagon to invent English acquired in the Hundred Years’ AIDS. War. She must have been a total babe.

8 The BEAST ~ March, 2008 ~ ISSUE # 124 ~ buffalobeast.com 1963: Betty Friedan ushers in “second male leaders. Any awful thing they could 1997: Madeline Albright is sworn in wave feminism” with the publication of do, she could do better! as America’s fi rst female Secretary of The Feminine Mystique, inspiring ugly, State. Despite the title of “Secretary,” her frustrated man-haters across the nation. 1986: The Supreme Court fi nds duties extended beyond that of a mere sexual harassment to be illegal job receptionist, including championing strict 1972: Title IX bans gender discrimination discrimination. sanctions which killed an estimated half- in schools, providing enough sub- million Iraqi children. You go, girlfriend! standard sporting events for several ESPN 1991: The Senate fi nds sexual harassment channels. to be no impediment to becoming a 2006: Nancy Pelosi becomes the fi rst Supreme Court Justice, so long as you are female House Speaker, proving that any black and pissed off. determined woman whose husband is a multimillionaire can make it big in politics. 1994: The Violence Against Women Act Pelosi’s record as speaker also shows she is passed, sending a clear signal to violent has not abandoned her femininity, as she sex offenders to start raping dudes. has allowed vile, belligerent men to walk all over her for no apparent reason.

1973: Billie Jean King defeats Bobby Riggs in the “Battle of the Sexes,” proving that lesbians can kick the crap out of old men. Also, Roe v. Wade happens. 2008: Hillary Clinton brings feminism 1979: Margaret Thatcher becomes fi rst to new heights as the fi rst viable woman 1996: Ann Coulter manifests, laying to candidate for President of the United female Prime Minister of The United rest once and for all the myth that women Kingdom. Her conservative, pro-business States entirely on her, um, own merits, are gentler, wiser, or less bloodthirsty and not by being married to a former ideology and hawkish militarism earn her than men. a derision normally reserved for heartless president, at all.

The BEAST ~ March, 2008 ~ ISSUE # 124 ~ buffalobeast.com 9 200 East Avenue @ Matthews in Rochester

10 The BEAST ~ March, 2008 ~ ISSUE # 124 ~ buffalobeast.com BEASTMOPOLITAN

STRENGTHEN YOUR RELATIONSHIP IN 10 Psychotic Steps! know he’s learning when he starts lament about how you feel victimized So you’ve sailed the seas of averting his gaze if a particularly sexy by his oppressive gender stereotyping. singledom, and you’ve fi nally hooked actress appears on a television screen. He may not have expected you to do a man-atee you think might be good A good pop quiz: Ask, innocently, these things, but he let you, so it’s still for the long haul. But now it’s time to “Isn’t Angelina Jolie hot?” If he makes his fault. clip his wings so he never fl ies away. feeble, noncommittal noises, you’re on Having a good, healthy, respectful the right track. If he insists Angelina is Become part of the relationship is fun while it lasts, but for “totally gross,” you’ve succeeded. If he 8 family. Make sure to charm longevity, you can’t beat dysfunctional enthusiastically agrees, you’ve got some his family. Try to establish a codependence augmented by serious bitching to do. close rapport with his mother, psychological abuse. Your man’s free sharing every emasculating detail of spirit may have been what attracted The honeymoon’s over. his private life with her, including his you to him, but if you employ these 3 Phase out oral sex—not sexual proclivities. completely; you can still tips, he’ll be docile as downer cattle in go down on him for special Never allow him to make no time. Happy hobbling! occasions, but make sure he knows 9 any major purchases. His from your unenthusiastic performance computer was good enough Eradicate his privacy. what a tedious chore it is for you. in ‘95; it’s good enough now. Call him all the time. If you 1 Spend all his money on shoes and can manage to guilt him into Anything he enjoys is handbags instead. calling you, all the better. As your enemy. Be it friends, your boyfriend, he is obligated to let 4 hobbies, art, schoolwork, or Remember: All of your you know where he is, who else is there, just solitude, if it takes his time 10 problems are his fault. If when he is leaving, and what he is and attention away from you, it has you are unsatisfi ed with your doing later, even if he is not sure of the to go. If you catch him playing video life in any way, the relationship answers. Remember to time your calls games, react as if he were masturbating is to blame. No matter how perfect your for maximum inconvenience, or better to gay porn. mate may be, you can fi nd something yet embarrassment. Is he relaxing at to be miserable about. Does he give you home? Call right when his favorite Get rid of his friends your space? Then he doesn’t care about show is on. Is he playing poker with his by glaring, muttering, and you. Does he shower you with gifts? He’s buddies? Sounds like a good time to 5 generally acting like a total overbearing. Is he gainfully employed? discuss your latest argument! bitch to them, and never letting He’s not ambitious enough. Is he a him out to see them. billionaire? His yacht is pathetic next to Castrate his imagination. Richard Branson’s. The important thing Now that he’s with you, it’s 2 Get rid of your own is to let him know that in every way, he important to let him know friends. All women are is a disappointment to you, and you it’s inappropriate for him to 6 possible roads to splitsville for could do much better. express, or even feel, any attraction you and your love, including to other women, even women who your slutty chums. Besides, you Keep using the strategies outlined here, have been given awards for sexual only needed them when you were and you’ll be sure to ensnare your hunk attractiveness. Whenever you notice single. in an everlasting death grip of exquisite your man “noticing” another woman, agony. And if he somehow escapes, hit him with a withering stare that lets Do nice things for him, make sure to tell everyone he knows him know the next couple of days are and then complain about about what a limpdick/pervert he was! pretty much shot. After a few episodes 7 doing them. For every meal like this, and ensuing aftershocks, your you cook or load of laundry beau will know not to let his gaze wander you do unasked, there should be a vocal far from your immediate vicinity. You’ll

The BEAST ~ March, 2008 ~ ISSUE # 124 ~ buffalobeast.com 11 The boys at the garage showed me the rat’s nest beside the engine block and the chewed ignition wires. I’d been thwarted by vermin.

I spent the morning wandering aimlessly around Pittsburgh on foot. I used the Speed Pass to buy a carton of cigarettes. I sold a mechanic fi ve packs, for three bucks each, when I went back to the garage to assess their progress.

“We should have it up and running today.” He showed me his yellow teeth. I’d have to pay with my mother’s credit card. This was also entrusted to me for use in “emergencies.”

It was past lunch time. I walked my fi fteen dollars to a joint called Primanti Bros. By Ian Murphy mother’s money to increase the record- They’ve gained some notoriety for putting breaking profi ts of an enormous oil French fries on their sandwiches. he drive from Manchester to company. But I had little choice. Buffalo was horrendous. Jones “Give me a coffee and a Reuben,” I told the and I were suffering a nasty bout The Cavalier crapped out just south of waitress. “Hold the fries.” of Primary Fever, pained and Pittsburgh. It was 3 am. I slept poorly in T the frigid backseat. The sun pried open “HAAA!” cackled a man at the next table. sweating, tired and disgusted with our bodies and our body politic. my reluctant eyes. I called AAA for a tow, I didn’t look up. “Oh, you gotta get the and rode into Pittsburgh in the passenger fries—it’s best that way. That’s why I come “Just don’t let me die,” Jones moaned seat. here.” pathetically when I asked if he needed help moving his stuff into the house. “You’re a long way from South Carolina!” “I just don’t want any goddamn fries, the driver joked. I didn’t think it was OK?” I pled with the stranger. I was in no “OK,” I promised. I let him take my room funny. mood. and I moved my few belongings into the cold, drafty attic. I slept “Hey, has anyone ever told for seven days under seven you that you look like John blankets. The phone rang. Napkin sketch of Matthews made Belushi?” he asked. in a Pittsburgh restaurant BEAST publisher Paul Fallon “Yes.” I imagined my self had good and terrible news: dead, face up, asphyxiated on he had a place for us to stay my own vomit. I felt peaceful. in South Carolina. Reporting from the nation’s fi rst 2008 “Hey, that reminds me of primary had nearly killed us; that movie Animal Hut,” the two in a row would be a suicide stranger spoke. mission. I left immediately— without Jones. I’m a man of “I think you mean Animal my word. House,” I said, looking up and feigning a smile. I hit the road, unprepared and broke as hell. It was fi ve days His mouth was a wide slit, before the Republican primary, sauerkraut dangled from the the Democratic would soon down-turned corners. His follow. 800 miles to travel. hair and moustache were I had a Mobil Speed Pass unnaturally black and looked that my mother gave me for to be made of cheap velour. “emergencies.” I fi lled the tank Pale locks protruded from the of my beleaguered ‘96 Chevy back of his wig. He wore dark Cavalier near the Pennsylvania sunglasses and an expression border and bought some of incomprehension. snacks and cigarettes. Guilt overwhelmed me as I used my “HAAA!” He shot shreds of

12 The BEAST ~ March, 2008 ~ ISSUE # 124 ~ buffalobeast.com fatty corned beef across the table. “John “Oh yeah,” I said coldly. but they put fries on the sandwiches. Lithgow—now he’s a good director!” That’s why I come here.” “Yeah!” he spat on me again. “For “I didn’t say that…” I replied, massaging “Landis! John Landis!” I barked at him as example, Barack Obama is just like the my temples and staring at the salt shaker. the waitress arrived with my order. “Look, Salieri character from Rock Me Amadeus. I couldn’t bear looking at this idiot. I’m trying to eat here, man.” You see?” “It’s all about momentum now,” he “Um, Miss, excuse me, Miss!” I shouted at “What?” I looked at the fl oor and put my interjected. “Who’s got the power ranking her fat ass. “I said I didn’t want any fries hand to my forehead. and who doesn’t. February’s going to be on this.” Obama’s month, you’ll see—black history “I told you politics was complicated,” he and all that. Then, Hillary’ll take the “Oh, those are courtesy of the gentleman reiterated. “You see, after Hillary’s upset momentum in March—women’s history at table four,” she said, pointing. in New Hampshire, he’s stuck playing month. Two! Two months! Now that’s a second fi ddle. He’s jealous. When she big number…” “Christ.” I didn’t feel like arguing. cried it was like a genius symphony—an ocular opus. He probably wants her dead, “Chris!” A goateed man in an overcoat “Ha!” He showered me in spittle, pulled too. Centuries from now, they’ll have to entered the restaurant and walked toward up a chair and sat down. “I see you got the exhume her corpse and check for poison. us. fries—it’s best that way. That’s why I come But they won’t fi nd any.” here. Mind if I sit down? So, who do you It was MSNBC political director Chuck like in the Oscars? I’m pulling for Daniel “Should you be out in public by yourself?” Todd. Ray-Lewis. He’s good. You ever see My I asked him condescendingly. “Is someone Cleft Foot? Powerful stuff.” looking for you—do you have medication “We need to get back to New York, Chris.” that you should be taking?” I stared ahead hopelessly. “They put fries on the sandwiches, Chuck. “HAAA!” he spat on me a third time. “Like That’s why I come here.” “Either him or Jeffrey Seymour Hoffman,” Jack Nicolaus from One Jumped Over the he added. “I have to know a lot about Cuckoo’s Nest—did you know Ken Cheesy “Yeah, I know, buddy,” Todd said, rolling movies for my job…” wrote that book while working in a loony his eyes and throwing a crisp fi fty on the bin? It is just like the current political table. “Let’s go.” I didn’t look up from my sandwich. narrative! You make a good point.” “It was nice analyzing politics with you,” “I’m a political analyst.” He opened his “What the hell are you talking about?” I the man spat on me a fourth time. mouth as if he intended to eat my face. wiped my face. “I have to be cultured and able to make “Right.” I said, dumbfounded. the appropriate analogies, so people “Your point that Hillary campaign will understand… politics is a confusing surrogates have busted out of the My car was ready after lunch. I drove back game,” he said, wiping his greasy hands nuthouse, and now their causing all sorts to Buffalo. on the table cloth. of trouble for Obama—Nurse Hatchet… yeah, this place is a little out of my way,

The BEAST ~ March, 2008 ~ ISSUE # 124 ~ buffalobeast.com 13 BEAST HOUSEKEEPING Recession Recipes That WonÊt Break the Bank!

WHAT YOU’LL NEED TO BEGIN: Job outsourcing, crushing debt incurred from an illness your insurance company refused to cov- er, sub prime mortgage crisis, home foreclosure, cuts in social spending, highest military spend- ing since WWII, a hobo blade, paint cans and a Belt-tightening treats for the whole family! trashcan fi re.

Raiment Noodles: A pauper’s of water, bringing the contents just to a feline fricassee. delight! boil over your medium-sized trashcan Tip: A shaved tail adds a unique savor to Ingredients: Tattered rags, 1 tablespoon fi re; reduce heat by raising the ashtray stews and sauces. The whole family will rock salt and 2 cups water. and let simmer until tender, or your atro- be meowing for more! Preparations: Inspect your disheveled phied arm tires. If a denser mixture is de- wardrobe and drifter’s bindle for loose sired, thicken with sweater pills. Sprinkle B & E Special: Jean Valjean’s strands of cloth (make sure to check the with other pocket fl otsam such as paper life-ruining meal! clips, stale gum, crumpled sub prime bottom of your pant leg—there’s your Ingredients: Other people’s food. mortgage and divorce papers, devalued bumper crop!); remove errant bits with a Preparations: The Break & Eat is not currency and shredded credit cards. hobo blade or by hand; fi ll an empty can for everyone. It requires skill, speed and Serve as an appetizer or a delicious side of paint with 2 cups water (gas station bravery. Simply smash into a grocery dish for that non-nutritive fullness. (Note: or puddle), bring to a rolling boil over a store, corner shop or home and dash May cause choking or mechanical bowel trash can fi re (cooking under a highway with the nutritious and delicious booty. obstruction.) Bon appetit! overpass really brings out this soup’s (Some chefs add money, jewelry and

delicate and dirty undertones); add rock electronics to this dish—variety’s the salt and clothing bits, stir, let cool and Cat-sup: Meals on paws! spice of life!) serve. You’ll bloody your stool—with fl a- Ingredients: Feral or domestic cats vor! Preparation: PETA isn’t going to put Alco-salsa: You can’t spell sevi- food on the table. Luckily the streets are che without v-i-c-e! *Bonus recipe (with Raiment Noodles) teeming with neglected, lean and low-cal Ingredients: Sardines, St. Ides, crab Lint-el Soup: Gag yourself with a options! Simply bludgeon the animal of your choice with the nearest available grass, prescription medication spoonful! blunt object—rocks, malt liquor bottles Preparation: When your food lacks color Ingredients: Lint, ½ cup water and lengths of rebar are optimal. Take and digestible elements, you can’t afford Preparation: Before cooking your care to avoid the claws and teeth (with- to sacrifi ce fl avor or remain lucid. With clothes, scour pockets, cuffs and collars out healthcare, the smallest injury could your hobo blade, dice sardines and crab for hardy nuggets of fi ber. Cheaply made prove fatal). Skin and clean the carcass, grass, and stir together in an overturned foreign goods are a treasure trove of rav- and cook to your specifi cations. Us- hubcap. In a separate hubcap, mash eled threads; even your navel conceals ing your blunt object as a pestle, grind your choice of prescription pills, heeding a bounty of buildup. Do not rinse debris the brain, kidneys and intestines into a or ignoring Heath Ledger’s example as before cooking: you will wash away the spreadable topping, bloodying it for the you wish, and whisk in St. Ides. Com- natural essences. Gather your detritus in preferred consistency. Or, brown the bine all ingredients and serve as a con- a discarded SUV ashtray with a ½ cup meat and cook it in the cat stock for a diment with your favorite meal, or as an

14 The BEAST ~ March, 2008 ~ ISSUE # 124 ~ buffalobeast.com appetizer with communion wafers.

Stimulus Checks Mix: Ameri- Hark, Goode Woman, don’t let ca’s quick-fi x snack mix! Ingredients: Wholesale allotments this grim fate befall thee, too! of low-grade kibble, suet, livestock feed, other crude protein Preparation: As the Good Book says: “[M]an hath no preeminence above a beast.” Your paltry govern- ment assistance will go farther if you stoop lower. Simply combine ingre- dients in a large bowl and enjoy on all fours with your pets. Makes an excellent stuffi ng for your Cat-sup.

Feces Pieces: Waste not, want not! Ingredients: Undigested foodstuffs Preparation: E.T. may have turned up his freeloading, persnickety alien nose at this suggestion, but you don’t have the luxury of prodigality or space travel. Simply pick through The Vapors: A feminine plague of madness! your stool for anything you may not have digested. Rinse thoroughly, re- The Vapors is a serious medical condition affl icting many of the weaker heat and enjoy. Everything’s better sex. Signs that you may have the Vapors include, but are not restricted to: the second time around! fainting from shock or corset tightness, parasol dissatisfaction or apathy, en- Tip: Serve in dust bowl and garnish nui, depression, hysterics, histrionics, feminine frigidity, feminine arousal, with grapes of wrath for best allu- unladylike fl atulence, excessive reading, expressing opinions, and lunar sion. bloodliness. CHECK OUR JUNE ISSUE FOR DEPRESSION DIPS & SHANTY If you or a loved one demonstrate any of these symptoms—YOU NEED SPRUCE UPS! DR. GRABASS’S ANTI-VAPOR MIRACLE-INDUCING DEBRAINING-LEECH TONIC!

Supplement recipes, or pen a After just one dose of DR. GRABASS’S ANTI-VAPOR brief suicide note, below: MIRACLE-INDUCING DEBRAINING-LEECH TONIC you’ll feel younger and more beautiful than you have in ages!

Dr. Grabass’s formula is the best weapon science has to battle those dreaded Vapors. With only one dose you’ll feel all burdens drift carelessly from your mind as the patented DEBRAINING-LEECHES jump into action. It will rejuvenate your VITAL ORGANS, AROUSE your vitreous humors and give you that ROSY, DEAD-EYED GLOW your husband can’t resist!

Ask thy quacksalver if debraining leeches are right for thee!

“When you submit your worried soul to the will of my PATENTENTED, POWERFUL AND HUNGRY DEBRAINING-LEECHES you’ll become the compliant and quiet woman you and your husband have always wanted you to be, satisfaction guaranteed—or my name isn’t Dr. Phineas Q. Grabass!”

The BEAST ~ March, 2008 ~ ISSUE # 124 ~ buffalobeast.com 15 5 EASY STEPS TO A NEW, THIN YOU!

Step 3) Binge! We know, fatty, o, you’re disgusted by your body. Well, so is everyone else! the bulimia method Your bloated breasts, hips, bottom and belly, rather than can seem tough at arouse men, sicken and disturb them, meaning, you’re not fi rst, but this part should S be easy. You’ll take to it contributing to society. It’s time to change all that, sister! Just like a whale to the chocolate follow this easy guide and you’ll be showing off your femurs this sea, cramming and jamming swimsuit season. And unlike those other fad eating disorder diets, insane varieties and quantities like anorexia, with bulimia you get to eat whatever you want and of unhealthy food down your throat. This never gain a pound—all in 5 easy steps! is the easy part, and likely, you’ve already had a lot of practice.

MEASURE YOUR PROGRESS!

Venus of Willendorf, Bloated Britney, Baby fat Britney, carved in 20,000 BC, was a notice the unsightly still disgusting fat pig and bad role model “shame sack”

Step 1) Cultivate shame/self-disgust Step 2) Distort your body image A lot of girls think they can just start Listen to what no one says regarding your Step 4) Purge! binging and purging, but without the weight. They don’t know! Only you can Insert a fi nger, spoon, pencil or wooden proper mental framework, they’ll never see the numerous and cellulite encrusted dowel down your throat to trigger the gag last. The amount of shame and guilt you fl aws that you obviously posses. Your refl ex and watch those unsightly pounds feel should be directly proportional to your acute perception will come in handy when pour forth in an undigested river—like weight (see fi gure 1). The fatter, the more you actually lose a few pounds. Without magic! You’ll need to do this immediately shame! Bulimia Bonus Tip: Look for cues it, you may be inclined to stop punishing after eating, before the evil food has a in fashion magazines, for the appropriate your body before becoming dangerously chance to nourish your hideous body and amount of disgust you should feel. and beautifully thin. No pain no gain! turn you back into a fat cow. If you’re going out to dinner, bring some breath mints!

16 The BEAST ~ March, 2008 ~ ISSUE # 124 ~ buffalobeast.com Young Britney, Limber Lohan, Yowza! The Auschwitz look nearly attractive almost there, baby! is SO hot right now.

BULIMIAn BONUS TIP:

fi g. 1

Ew, gross!

250 Your self worth should be inversely proportional to your weight, DON’T BE AFRAID TO USE TWO FINGERS! 200 say experts Step 5) Home puking Mostly, you’re going to want to be alone 150 for steps 3 & 4. This ensures maximum binging and unhindered purging. If you 100 have roommates or live with your parents, keep empty pickle jars and Tupperware on

Weight in pounds Weight hand at all times—under your bed or in a 50 closet will do. And don’t forget trash day!

0 Repeat steps 1 – 5 until you wake Very little None up in a hospital somewhere, weak, Self worth disoriented, thin and gorgeous. Source: Your boyfriend It’s that easy!

Little Debbie The BEAST Guide to Bulimia Yack Cakes: has been brought ot you by... Shhhh! It’s her LITTLE SECRET!

The BEAST ~ March, 2008 ~ ISSUE # 124 ~ buffalobeast.com 17 THE CHILDRENÊS CAMPAIGN Young Voters are Heart Breakers

By Tina Dupuy That year, 1972, will forever be plugged internets’. What happened? Less than half as the year for “the youth vote.” It is the (46%) of the youth voters turned out – way young voter’s election that all other young below national average of 61% of that year. Maybe it’s another Clinton running voter’s elections will be judged by. What And we reelected a man who was nearly president or maybe its American Gladiators happened? Only half of those 18, 19 and 20 killed by a pretzel. being back on television or maybe it was year-olds that became eligible turned out the late night monologue jokes during the to vote, and Nixon won in a landslide. I’m not a cynic. I want all to be involved. writer’s strike, but I’m suffering from some Young, old, willfully uninformed—I say déjà vu. It’s all sounding vaguely familiar, let’s all get together! I’m just cautiously I’ve seen this—heard it—before. Which begs the question: Why would we still want that demographic’s participation? optimistic. We as Americans have been stood up on prom night by young voters The story is this: Young voters are being before. And then every couple of years we galvanized and energized…more than ever… In 1992, running against the fi rst George collectively forget, forgive and re-hype the this time. Bush, Bill Clinton was roughly the same next batch of fl aky young people. age as Barack Obama is now, early to mid- 40s. JFK’s age. Clinton, as a presidential Time ran a story of the youth vote on their candidate, went on MTV. That had never I know, I know. As we think every time we cover: “Frustrated by feckless Washington, happened before. President Bush at fi rst are about to get duped again, “This time it’s energized by the unscripted, pundit- refused. All the reports said that it was going to be different.“ baffl ing freedom of a wide-open race, the most young people energized by an young people are voting in numbers rarely election since 1972. It was exciting. The On Super Tuesday, I went to the polls seen since the general election of 1972.” numbers? According to the census bureau, half expecting the turnout to look like a about 48% of young voters (18-24) turned Hannah Montana concert. When I got In 1970, congress extended the Civil Rights out as compared to the 30 and over crowd’s there it looked more like a Hannah and Act of 1965; it gave 18-year-olds the right 72.4%. Her Sisters reunion. There was a group to vote for federal offi ces. In the general of young Latino males exiting as I walked election in 1972 between George McGovern up, with shaved heads and baggy pants. At and Richard Nixon, young people for the And let’s not forget the 2004 youth vote. fi rst glance, they looked like gang bangers. fi rst time were able to cast their ballots. The “Vote or Die!” The word ‘blog’ was being As they approached, I could make out their war in Vietnam was raging. There was, after used by pundits for the fi rst time. Howard “I Voted” stickers on their hoodies. Passing all, a draft. The average age of a GI in that Dean and blogforamerica.com had excited me in the hall, one of them whispered war was 19. They could go and die for their the youth vote and there were more young towards me with a giddy skip in his step, country but couldn’t have their vote counted. people energized by an election since 1972. “Eh—vote Hillary!” This was their moment. History was calling It was exciting! MySpace had just blown upon the young people of America to step Friendster out of the water and grass roots Different? Yep. up and change the course of history! had taken hold on this thing called ‘the

18 The BEAST ~ March, 2008 ~ ISSUE # 124 ~ buffalobeast.com The BEAST ~ March, 2008 ~ ISSUE # 124 ~ buffalobeast.com 19 The First 100 Days: WHAT TO EXPECT FROM THE CANDIDATES

A Reign of McCain will likely bring pain

Day 2: President McCain Day 3: McCain regains Day 4: The stalwart Com- Day 5: The nation is un- announces preemptive trust of American people by mander-in-Cheif goes badly nerved by war, depression strike on Iran. He’s criti- sporting a stronger tie, and off the rails, unveiling his and McCain’s “politics of cized roundly by conserva- amending the war resolu- piano tie, and similarly neckwear.” McCain rede- tives for wearing a weak tion to include Syria and music-themed, plan to nuke ploys the KISS ARMY to necktie. several other small coun- the moon. “fi nish off” Vietnam. tries.

Obama-Nation: “All bubbled up and ready to go!”

Day 45: Hope Floats: Who says the presidency is no day at the beach? Mr. Obama hangs ten, but stays dry. Gun- shots ring out several times, but the president is by now imperturbable. Other beach- goers, however, are alarmed, gathering their belongings and families, and vowing to head to a beach “with fewer black presidents.” Day 1: President Obama begins Day 96: In his term as America’s fi rst black his fi rst sub- president—inside his bulletproof stantive act, bubble. It will take getting used to. the president’s ceremonial fi rst pitch caroms The president’s inauguration speech off the inside of his protective casing, knocking is interrupted several times, as the him unconscious. Several tense minutes pass bullets of would-be assassins ricochet before he is revived, during which ambiguous harmlessly off of his impervious shell, cheers punctuate the anxious murmuring. The nevertheless causing him, in his inex- Dodgers’ public relations staff are later arrest- perience, to duck. ed and charged with conspiring to assassinate President Obama.

20 The BEAST ~ March, 2008 ~ ISSUE # 124 ~ buffalobeast.com The Clintons Part Deux: Nasty as they wanna be!

Day 32: Bill spills milk, Congress moves to impeach.

Day 23: The fi rst First Husband Bill Clinton sends nation into crisis by engaging in lewd conduct. The country forgives the Clintons, because the woman is a hot blonde.

Day 77: Bill wigs out on a cheap NAFTA pinata, when he gets grounded for blowing curfew . Hill- ary makes Bill seek counseling and things get hectic in the Oval Offi ce when the Clintons run into a blast Artwork by Mark Dudlik from the past. (Rerun.)

IS AGING, AGGRESSIVE CHEMOTHERAPY OR THE EMASCULATING PROSPECT OF A HILL- ARY CLINTON PRESIDENCY CAUSING YOU UN- SIGHTLY HAIR LOSS? Finding yourself forced to admit you’re experiencing a recession?

Wigs are an impractical solution, promoted by the powerful vanity lobby to increase our depen- dence on foreign hair.

Chia Pundit® is a safe, organic and nonpartisan al- ternative to expensive and unreliable hair resto- ration procedures.

Style it however you choose, whether you’re feel- ing merely pompous or positively faux-hawkish.

You’ll be traffi cking in innuendo and making dire miscalculations again in no time!

THE RESULTS DON’T LIE. THAT’S YOUR JOB!

And for that added, Friedman-esque foresight, try new Chia Pundit Stache! If, after six months, you’re not completely satisfi ed, just give it an- other six months! Your initial skepticism will be a thing of the scarcely remembered past! Order Now!

The BEAST ~ March, 2008 ~ ISSUE # 124 ~ buffalobeast.com 21 Death, Taxes and CELEBRITY Leeching on Lohan and Ledger

By Steve Gordon engine crashing through Jake Gyllenhaal’s be fi lled simple, beautiful thoughts isn’t a ceiling. But alas, it was the other guy, very attention-grabbing idea. It had been a long night of beer and video Heath Ledger. Evidently, and this is games when, at the ripe hour of seven a.m., according to the fi rst hasty reports that We should be wary that a subscription to I fi nally decided to lay my head down and are still pouring out, he’d taken a bunch of tabloid ideology might be reductive not crash on a friend’s couch. It was the 21st of sleeping pills. Evidently, his girlfriend had only to celebrities, but also to a public that January. I hit the TV/Video switch on the just left him. buys into the fable that life progresses like remote control to let some heavy morning the movies. In a 2005 interview, Ledger programming lull me into sleep, only to Here, the media has the beginning and elucidated a corner of his complex human have one of the local Buffalo newscasts end of a great tragedy: Ledger’s girlfriend mind, saying, “In a way I was spoon-fed hit me through the din: “Lindsay Lohan leaves him and he kills himself, in that a career. It was fully manufactured by a to atone for drunk driving by working in order. There will be a necessary postscript, studio that believed it could put me on a morgue.” of course, involving a cycle of remembrance their posters and turn me into a product.” stories, interviews with other celebrities, But we didn’t want statements like this; we I jolted up and let out a resounding, and maybe some pieces on depression wanted a beautiful smile and a wave from “¡¿Qué?!” (perhaps the least resoundable and suicide by Sanjay Gupta. A formulaic the red carpet. In essence we preferred the exclamation available, to be sure), and let drama complete with commentary. product. the story unfurl before me. I hesitate to add to the public speculation The media seems to have the Ledger Evidently, Lindsay Lohan was caught machine, but perhaps the media is too case conveniently wrapped up, though. drinking and driving a few times in the quick to formulate the ‘breakup leads to Lohan, on the other hand, still has a debt last year. Evidently, her punishment is breakdown’ hypothesis. Psychological to pay to society, and I still have my head that she has to spend eight hours working problems are generally more complex than wrapped around her bizarre punishment. in a morgue as some kind of punishment. the assessments that attempt to ascertain What purpose does it serve? Deterrence of Evidently, it was important to inform them, and the media’s hypothesis might in future crime? On her behalf? On society’s? Buffalo residents. Evidently, the only fact be inverted. Could she possibly lower the tax burden way to inform the public was to have by performing a municipal duty? Or is she the upbeat morning guy report from an That’s just another assumption, though. To just going to get in the way and waste the actual morgue, interviewing an actual us, celebrities appear as two dimensional mortician’s time anyway? mortician. characters whose activities unfold in a glamorous public drama. The notion that If I was in heaven and Lindsay Lohan was The mortician obviously relished in a beautiful person’s head might not always standing over my corpse down on earth, describing the sensations that Lohan will have to endure: the sight of mangled cadavers, the sounds of ribcages cracking open, the smell of death, all with a twisted smile. Typical mortician, basically.

But I was dumbstruck: what kind of punishment is this? About 36 hours later, I caught another By de nition, celebrity news report out of the corner of my eye: “Brokeback Mountain star found your father is a dead in apartment.” motherfucker! I chuckled a little bit, imagining a jet

22 The BEAST ~ March, 2008 ~ ISSUE # 124 ~ buffalobeast.com I’d reach over and grab God by the collar of his basketball jersey (in heaven I’m going to play basketball with God, like, all the time), and say, “What the fuck, why is the girl from The Parent Trap cracking open my ribcage?! Wait…where am I?”

Our penal system strives to return society to the order that crime destabilizes. The rich will be fi ned, the sick will be cured, transgressors will be confi ned, and the unsalvageable will be destroyed.

Lohan assaulted our civic order by careening through our public Hollywood streets with a head full of booze and coke. Now the young actress will have to undergo the uncanny experience of being near real corpses. This punishment, though justifi ed as being somehow deterrent, falls outside the normal punitive process. If the Ghost of Grisly Accidents Past took Lohan on a tour of fl aming wreckages and agonizing funerals, we might see an adjusted disposition on her behalf. Instead, she is going to star in a morgue scene with de-lifed bodies – tragedies that have been reduced to the state of set props.

Irresponsible, drugged-fueled rampages are the privilege of those Super Human celebrities. They are an acceptable illegality, because they contribute to our necessary representation of the Rich & Famous. If there is a repercussion, it too is absorbed into the two dimensional fable: a nasty tabloid cover, some public service photo shoot, or a bad cellulite day on the beach.

Ledger and Lohan’s stories coincide not only chronologically – having occurred in the span of a few days – but they also overlap thematically – as two movies starring attractive young actors that you don’t have to pay to see. Our willingness to believe that exposure to disturbing stimuli can infallibly cure recklessness, or that something as complex as a suicidal disposition can be attributed to something as mundane as a breakup, illuminates a dangerously reductionist sense of social reality. Thankfully, this same social body isn’t expected to choose its own leaders… right?

As a side note, and in closing – if there are any other millionaires out there who are thinking about offi ng themselves, PLEASE send me some of your useless money. I’m 90% sure I know how to buy happiness, and at the very least I am completely sick of Ramen and Natty Ice.

The BEAST ~ March, 2008 ~ ISSUE # 124 ~ buffalobeast.com 23 HORMONE WHORE MOANS Doping in baseball? No shit, Mitchell

By Paul Jones Earth, with which he reputedly busied teammate, Clemens responded: “Andy himself contemplating rather bold plans and I’s relationship was close enough to “Don’t let us forget that the causes of for the future. He told his lawyer, hours know that if I would have known that he human actions are usually immeasurably before his demise, “I’m going to vote for was—had done hGH, which I now know, more complex and varied than our Clinton in the fall.” And he assured prison that he—if he was knowingly knowing that subsequent explanations of them.” The offi cials, to their horror, he was saving the I had taken hGH, we would have talked Idiot, Fyodor Dostoevsky pecan pie that had accompanied his fi nal about the subject.” What a conversation meal “for later.” The wretched spectacle of that would have been. Rickey Ray Rector. That’s who came to Rector sickened nearly everyone complicit mind as I watched Roger Clemens testify in orchestrating his extermination—the I fully expected Clemens, when pressed, to before the House Committee on Oversight warden, chaplain, even some of Offi cer tell the assembled lawmakers that he was and Government Reform. Martin’s brother policemen. Governor saving his alibis and exculpatory evidence Clinton later strained his theatric tendons “for later.” Of course, he had no such Rector, you may recall, had the misfortune in expressing his agony over the decision resort to truth. But the inarticulacy of this of being an inmate on Arkansas’s death in a phone conversation with a colleague— unshrinkable moron only underscored row when Governor Bill Clinton needed that is, until he learned Rector hadn’t the poverty of Major League Baseball’s badly to make his tough-on-crime bones been put to death yet. truth and reconciliation charade. during the 1992 presidential race. Rector had shot and killed one man and then The vascular complications of the Forget for the moment his lawyers’ days later, after agreeing to surrender to antipsychotic drugs Rickey Ray was reckless decision to deliver their woefully authorities to face charges in that crime, taking had made the location of a vein an unequipped client unto the rigors of shot and killed Arkansas Police Offi cer indelicate business. Ever solicitous, he congressional testimony. Nobody could Robert Martin. Those aggravating factors obliged his liquidators by aiding in the adequately state why the Oversight made his crimes subject to the severest search. Finally, after an hour in which the Committee should have been convened reprisal. childlike Rector cried out several times for this purpose in the fi rst place. Or, for in obvious pain—to the great distress that matter, why this dubious business There was one salient mitigating of witnesses assembled in expectation should have monopolized the cable news circumstance: After shooting Offi cer of a more somber affair—it was decided airwaves for an entire afternoon. A few Martin, Rector pushed the gun against his that his arm would be slashed open and stolid observers, including MSNBC’s own skull and atomized the front of his a catheter inserted to administer the Andrea Mitchell—whose reliably brain. He had, in essence, lobotomized deathblow. hackneyed insights always sound as himself. The Arkansas Judiciary, in its though they were fi lched in off-camera, infi nite and infallible wisdom, decided The pointless and pathetic specter of one knifepoint debriefi ngs of harried network Rickey Ray could stand trial for his crimes, sacrifi cial imbecile loomed, in my mind, interns—mumbled unpersuasively about though experts estimated his IQ at around over another on February 13th. Democratic baseball’s antitrust exemption as a 70. Not to be outdone in bloodlust, a jury members of Congress battered major motive. convicted Rector and he was sentenced to league pitcher Roger Clemens with a death by lethal injection. fusillade of questions about his alleged Representative Tom Davis, a Virginia decade-long use of an illicit cocktail of Republican, gallantly averred, in his Such was Clinton’s ardor for justice, or at steroids and human growth hormone too-prescient opening statement, that least the appearance of it, that he left the [hGH]. Clemens’s testimony throughout “while today’s hearing may be awkward campaign trail and fl ew back to Arkansas the 4 ½-hour hearing was achingly, and joyless…[w]e are here to again try to to preside from a decorous proximity over invariably untutored and incoherent. disrupt and discredit the crass messages the execution. He didn’t actually attend At one point, asked to explain an aimed at our children.” To see Davis, it’s the slaughter, of course. Unseen by the inconsistency between his testimony easy to appreciate his special interest in Governor were Rector’s last moments on and the affi davit of his friend and former children. With his hophead gaze and neon

24 The BEAST ~ March, 2008 ~ ISSUE # 124 ~ buffalobeast.com carnie hairdo, he looks like the sort of guy This is an especially curious admission, enough about [hGH]. It doesn’t help you.” who’d date your mother just to molest your given the actual, substantive fi ndings of Except, according to all available medical little brother. It’s not just his muculent the preceding hearing didn’t fi gure at all in research on healthy persons, he’s correct. aspect, however, that makes this colorless the questions posed to Clemens, or in the sanctimony so unpalatable. Davis revealed ensuing melodrama with his chief accuser, In fact, to hear the government’s own that he and his fellow representatives had former trainer Brian McNamee. In fact, for experts, calling hGH “performance a day earlier been privy to “the dangerous all the purported concern about America’s enhancing” seems premature, at best. Two and phony messages being sent to young youth, the transcript of that earlier—and, of the four medical doctors on that earlier athletes that there are magic pills and one could easily venture, more pertinent— panel gave statements to the Committee wonder drugs that can grease their path to hearing remained unavailable as of this in which they disputed popular notions the Hall of Fame.” printing. Instead, the Committee devoted of the hormone’s empowering properties. its resources to rushing a partial transcript Dr. Thomas Perls told the Committee of the shambolic Clemens proceedings “there is no credible scientifi c evidence onto its website for public consumption. Thus, it would be easy to dismiss Clemens as a picknose dissembler when he told Republican Virgina Foxx, “I don’t know

A TALE OF TWO IDIOTS

THE ROCKET RICKEY RAY VVs.s.

Lobotomized by self-infl icted gunshot Born in Ohio, relocated to Texas; theoreti- Dwound to the head Dcally decerebrated by hick culture, a back- ward school system, his own preoccupation with Hours before his execution, said of Bill sports DClinton, then Governor of Arkansas and a Democratic candidate for president, who signed Rector’s death warrant: “I’m going to vote for Referring to an affi davit signed by his friend Clinton in the fal.” Dand former teammate, Andy Pettitte, con- tradicting Clemens’s testimony about his alleged Told prison offi cials he was saving the des- use of banned substances: “Andy Pettitte was my Dsert from his last meal on Earth “for later.” friend. He will be my friend after this and again. I think he misremembers.” Assisted his executioners in fi nding a suit- Dable vein to administer his lethal injection, before they opted to slice open his arm and insert Insisted to Pettitte that HGH was “[for] his a catheter. Dwife.” Shot Offi cer Robert Martin, a policeman Dand childhood acquaintance, in the back, Accused of presenting his buttocks to Brian killing him, following his agreement to surrender DMcNamee on multiple occasions for the in- to authorities for murdering another man. jection of steroids and Human Growth Hormone.

The BEAST ~ March, 2008 ~ ISSUE # 124 ~ buffalobeast.com 25 that hGH substantively increases muscle potential risks. Gee, doesn’t this sound fi nancial stakes in both Disney (corporate strength or aerobic exercise capacity in like the sort of information you’d be eager parent of MLB partner ESPN) and the normal individuals.” His colleague, Dr. to disseminate to concerned parents and Boston Red Sox, was the symmetrically Todd Schlifstein, concurred that, “When their credulous, perpetually endangered compromised proxy for this fool’s errand. studying the performance enhancing offspring? Even more so than debating His involvement guaranteed neither effects of hGH by itself, it has failed to whether or not a festering sore on Roger the owners, nor Commissioner Bud improve performance.” Clemens’s posterior bled through the seat Selig, would be made to answer for their of his designer trousers? very profi table neglect of the American None of this comes close to exonerating pastime. Instead, Mitchell tersely assessed Clemens, who denies allegations he Except the public immolation of Clemens the matter as a “collective failure.” used hGH in concert with a regimen wasn’t about protecting kids, or anything of anabolic steroids—a combination remotely so noble. It was about legitimizing No owner has ever been asked by Mitchell Schlifstein said “increases muscle the Mitchell Report, an absurdly cynical or by Congress how he could have ignored strength, speed and size,” resulting in and extravagant boondoggle—even the very lucrative and unprecedented late- “increased performance.” It undeniably by bureaucratic standards. Despite its ‘90s homerun explosion. No investigative raises questions, though, about the public impressive 409-page heft, inside the body or legal authority has inquired discourse on sport and science, and our report is a startlingly wispy text. With its— whether these billionaires—including concepts of competition and innovation. in Rep. Davis’s words—“sordid picture of… former Rangers’ owner and Clemens Schlifstein acknowledged the results of players injecting each other with illegal friend George W. Bush—who presumably studies on the combined effects of hGH substances right in their locker rooms”; took an exacting interest in their invested and steroids are “mixed.” His defi nition of and the grim, methodical fetishization of fortunes, enabled or facilitated the enhanced performance itself—“an increase athletes’ bare, tensed buttocks, the report distribution of illicit chemicals to their in speed or strength in a measureable does little more than cement its place in employees. How about: Have they been to [sic] activity without practice of that the canon of homoerotic pulp. a fucking game in the past ten years? activity”—seems inadequate. He provided the lone example of a bench press. At the As the sui generis sports scribe Dave Zirin And how does one truly quantify the risk of oversimplifi cation: Mechanically has noted, the report, based entirely on gains made from steroids by professional speaking, aren’t weight training and even hearsay, names a mere 86 players out of sluggers in the context of rules changes—a bodybuilding worlds apart from hitting the 5,000 who took a swing in the “Steroid contracted strike zone, smaller stadiums— homeruns and throwing curveballs? Era.” That’s less than 2%, a fi gure not even also enacted to “enhance performance”? former Senator George Mitchell, whose More pointedly, why wouldn’t Roger What is one to make, too, of the odd name stains the document’s cover, can Clemens, consummate competitor, seek schism in baseball between players who articulately defend. It hasn’t even stopped any available remedy to these “stacked” have admitted to using steroids and those teams from signing players named in odds? Rather than these uneasy questions, who claim only to have dabbled with hGH? the investigation. And, argues Zirin, the the American public is once more driven All the panelists agreed simply that hGH report is queerly global and meticulously to distraction with the lurid and simplistic helped produce lean muscle mass. And cross-sectioned, encompassing players lexicon of our insoluble drug hysteria. while Schlifstein testifi ed to witnessing from every ethnic background and across “case evidence” of its regenerative the talent spectrum. It’s like a salad bar of Clemens invited the unfriendly scrutiny capability, Dr. Alan Rogol—who also innuendo. of the Democratic Congress with his testifi ed—told NPR in an interview: “There unregenerate protestations of innocence. are clearly no data that show that.” All of this dross was burnished and In concocting his indefensible assertions, handsomely collated, at the unaccountable he employed the same witless bravura Asked in the same interview about pitcher sum of $20 million, for an ostensibly that served him so well on the mound. Andy Pettitte, who admitted to taking two serious purpose. In truth, it is a facile and Like Rickey Ray Rector, another useful hormone injections to speed recovery from falsely contrite apologia on behalf of Major idiot, he was expected to go quietly. May an injury, Rogol replied, “to use it for only League Baseball’s moneyed interests. his discordant howls echo in the ears of two days absolutely doesn’t make sense.” Mitchell, with his senatorial pedigree and those guilty of the greater crime. He said it would take “weeks’ worth [to] promote healing—if that’s what it did.” Rogol added, “It’s all theoretical…Do we know that it helps? Absolutely not.”

Pettitte and players like retired Cardinals’ second baseman Fernando Vina are on record asserting that hGH didn’t aid their healing. Meanwhile, the internet presently offers numerous opportunities to buy spurious, but Throwing a ball potentially dangerous, “hGH pills”— is not an admirable supplements the panel decried as profession! patently ineffectual: hGH must be injected, which only magnifi es its

26 The BEAST ~ March, 2008 ~ ISSUE # 124 ~ buffalobeast.com GET YOUR BEAST HERE!

CA W. Hollywood Santa Monica NY Buffalo Sit N Spin NY Niagara Falls 19th Street Books World News MD Baltimore Atomic Books NY Buffalo Skunk Tail and News CA Westwood Smoke Spot & News MD Baltimore Harbor News NY Buffalo Spot Coffee NY Niagara Falls Bada Beans MD Baltimore Normal’s Books and NY Buffalo Stache NY Niagara Falls Colossal Taco CO Aurora Aurora Newsland Records NY Buffalo Talking Leaves NY Niagara Falls Frankie’s Donuts CO Durango Magpies Newsstand NY Depew Record Theatre NY Niagara Falls Record Theatre Café MN Duluth Sunhillow Books NY Hamburg Record Theatre NY Rochester Aaron’s Alley CO Westminster Westminster NY Hamburg The Turnpike NY Rochester East Ave Alley Newsland NC Asheville Downtown Books NY Kenmore Adrenaline Rush Ink NY Rochester Spot Coffee and News NY Kenmore Frizb’s Cd Exchange NY Rochester World Wide News NY Kenmore Oracle Junction NY Tonawanda Mark’s Pizzeria CT New Haven News Haven NH Portsmouth Market Square Books CT Norwhich Magazines and More News NY Kenmore Seeley & Kanes OH Athens Little Professor Books NY Kenmore TC JR’s OH Cincinnati Cincinnati Fountain DC Washington Bridge St Books NM Albuquerque Flying Star Café, NY NY BJ Magazines Square News DC Washington News World – 1001 I, ii, iii, iv, v, vi NY NY Dina Magazines #1 OH Cleveland Bank News Connecticut Ave NM Albuquerque Newsland NY NY Global Ink – 2876 OH Columbus Liberty Books and DC Washington Newsroom Broadway News - Columbus CA Arcata NorthTown Books NY Amherst The College Store NY NY Global News – 22 8th Ave OH Columbus Monkey’s Retreat CA Berkeley Azi’s Newsstand and FL Ft. Lauderdale Bob’s News NY Amherst On The Rox Liquor NY NY Hudson News – Grand OH Rocky River Liberty Books and Smoke Shop and Books and Wine Central Station News - Cleveland CA Claremont Rhino Records NY Amherst Pizza Plant NY NY Ink On A CA Capitola Capitola Book Café GA Athens Barnett’s Newsstand NY Buffalo Allentown Music NY NY Khawaja News ON Ottawa Mags & Fags, INS CA Encino All American News NY Buffalo Antique Man NY NY Magazine and Cards Store News Service CA Hollywood Universal News IL Chicago City Newsstand NY Buffalo Broadway Joe’s NY NY McNally Robinson CA L.A. Book Soup IL Chicago Quimby’s Books NY Buffalo Café 59 Booksellers PA Doylestown Doylestown CA L.A. Centerfold Intl IL Evanston Chicago-Main News- NY Buffalo Century Grill NY NY Nikos Smoke Shop Bookshop CA L.A. Century World News stand NY Buffalo Cowpok NY NY St. Mark’s Bookshop PA Philadelphia Avril 50 CA L.A. News Stand City IL Westmont Carol Westmont NY Buffalo Fletcher’s Grill NY NY Union Square Magazine PA West Chester Chester County CA L.A. Newsroom W. Hollywood Magazine and News NY Buffalo Holley Farms Market, Shop Book Co. CA L.A. Rachel’s Newsstand Allen St. NY NY Universal News – 11 W. CA L.A. SpeedCo News IN Bloomington Book Corner NY Buffalo Joe’s Service Center 14th St WA Bellingham Newsstand CA L.A. Talk of the Town Elmwood NY NY Universal News – 234 W. WA Seattle Elliott Bay Book Co. CA L.A. Universal News KS Overland Park Hollywood At NY Buffalo Lexington Cooperative 42nd St CA L.A. West Coast Newsstand Home Market NY NY Universal News – 484 WI Greenfi eld Greenfi eld News CA L.A. World Books and News NY Buffalo New World Record Broadway & Hobby CA Pasadena Vroman’s Bookstore MA New Bedford Newsbreak NY Buffalo Off The Wall NY NY Universal News – 50 W. WI Madison University Book Store CA Sacramento The News Beat – Middletown NY Buffalo Queen City Book Store 23rd St. – Wisconsin CA San Bernadino Mt. Vernon MA Provincetown Read All About It NY Buffalo Record Theatre NY NY Universal News – 676 WI West Allis Booked Solid News MA Salem Red Lion Smoke Shop NY Buffalo Rust Belt Books Lexington CA San Diego Paras News MA Swansea Newsbreak – Swansea NY Buffalo Shamus McInkys NY NY Universal News – 977 WV Huntington Empire Books CA San Francisco Modern Times NY Buffalo Shickluna’s Bike and 8th Ave and News CA Santa Monica Co-Opportunity MI Ann Arbor Underground Fitness NY NY Village Magazine Cigar and CA Santa Monica Westside News Sounds NY Buffalo Shoefl y Gourmet

BEAS-Ts:

“Made with the fi nest sweatshop labor!”

$ $ 10 or 2 for 15 (716) 830-2931

The BEAST ~ March, 2008 ~ ISSUE # 124 ~ buffalobeast.com 27 “Real-life Rocky” edition!

Yo Adrian! Pay up! This past week, we had a modern the Jena Six case, noting that it was variation on the story. Richard Todd apropos to a previous column discussing Burger, a former offensive lineman for the issue of race and sports crime. The the Chicago Bears (’94–’97) and New piece described how Mychael Bell, one of York Jets (’98), was busted for being an the “Jena Six” black high-school students enforcer for a New Jersey–based Internet arrested for the beating of a white student gambling site called beteastsports.com. in Jena, Louisiana, had become a symbol Once upon a time, the washed-up Somerset County authorities conducted of America’s race problem. Bell was a hulking athlete didn’t have very many a four-month investigation that included local football star who, along with fi ve employment opportunities. It was the various stings and bets, at the end of other black students, had been accused rare ex-jock who could recede from the which several players in the ring were of beating white student Justin Barker. playing fi eld straight into a Coca-Cola arrested on gambling and conspiracy- When the local parish handed down bottler or a string of Popeye’s franchises, to-promote-gambling charges. The a rather extreme charge of attempted the way he does today. He didn’t have operation was dubbed “Operation Net- murder, the Jena Six appeared to have autograph-signing shows and he didn’t Bet Blitz.” been railroaded by a local justice system write tell-all books about his steroid use that had overlooked several similar while serving a house-arrest sentence According to reports, Burger, who played incidents of white students beating with a GPS unit around his ankle. at Penn State, collected debts for a local up blacks, as well as even more sordid hood named Anthony “Cheese” Pecoraro. incidents of whites hanging nooses to No, the huge, violent retired athlete Upon arrest, Burger had something like keep black students from sitting under usually had only one job that was open to $1200 in cash at his house, though some a so-called white tree near the local high him at all times, and that was leg-breaker $70,000 in total was seized from all of school. collecting debts for local bookies. Rocky the suspects. was right on the money; if you were But when it came about that the sports big, dumb, out of work, and scary, you Give Burger a few added points for star Bell had repeatedly been coddled by walked around town in fi ngerless gloves, sentimentality, say 28 total. At least he local authorities despite several serious bouncing a rubber ball and occasionally wasn’t coking up and braining strippers violent incidents prior to the Jena Six tossing gamblers against alleyway walls. like some ex-football players do. case — including an incident in which he rather severely beat a young woman — Or, if you were Sonny Liston, you did all Nervous Purvis white supremacists and “pro-majority” that and spiked mountains of smack in forces used Bell’s bio to argue that this your spare time. Canadian boxing champ case was about black thuggery, not Eddie Melo was nearly deported for his white racism. Furthermore, increased leg-breaking work before eventually publicity revealed that Bell’s school had being assassinated in a gangland dispute. gone to tremendous lengths to avoid Either way, the job was there. It was just disciplining the young running back, a matter of how long you could wait Thanks to reader Stephon Lee for sending who had led Jena to its fi rst winning before you sucked it up and took it. an excellent article in the Atlantic about

28 The BEAST ~ March, 2008 ~ ISSUE # 124 ~ buffalobeast.com season in memory. All in all, it appeared Well, this week we had another “possession right with his contact lenses. They were the Jena Six case was perfectly emblematic with intent” rap, but it looks like there was larger than usual, and when he sniffed of all the problems involved with race no mistake this time. Three University of them, they smelled like rubbing alcohol. and sports in this country: young black West Virginia football players — linebacker Why did they smell like rubbing alcohol? men encouraged to be violent and out of John Holmes, defensive lineman James Because Hicks had put it in there, using control, then demonized when they fi nally Ingram, and running back Ed Collington it to replace his roommate’s contact-lens cross a line. — were busted after being pulled over solution. and searched (the usual “strong odor In any case, the Jena Six saga had a new of marijuana” being the reason for the When word of this got out, Hicks was development this past week, as one of the stop). Large amounts of weed, wrapped arrested for second-degree assault. It Six, Bryant Purvis, was arrested again in individual baggies, were discovered. seems putting rubbing alcohol on contact — this time for assault. Purvis had since When Ingram copped to having more lenses can cause corneal abrasions and moved from Louisiana to north Texas drugs at home, police went there and extreme pain. Maxwell was lucky he to live with his uncle, who happens to found another big-ass stash and lots noticed the switch. Not long after Hicks be Dallas Cowboys defensive lineman more plastic baggies. Hence an “intent to got popped for that offense, it came out Jason Hatcher. The 6-6 Purvis now plays deliver” charge. that he had also illegally used someone basketball for Hebron High in Carrollton, else’s credit card. He now faces charges Texas, and after a recent game came New West Virginia coach Bill Stewart for that, as well. outside to fi nd his tires had been slashed. showed surprising decisiveness in He then allegedly assaulted a student he bouncing all three from the team right Uncool roommate behavior. Worse than believed was guilty of the deed. He was hit away. “These three players are dismissed Ben-Gay in the underpants. Twenty-two with a charge of aggravated second-degree from all aspects of the Mountaineer points for that one. battery and released on bond. We’ll see football family,” said the rookie coach. how quickly this becomes yet more fodder We’ll see if the decision sticks. Scant info in a controversy that has already exceeded America’s lofty standards for ugliness. Angry cougar They’re calling that intent ? According to The Register-Guard in Eugene, Oregon, a University of Oregon

A weird-ass story came out of Washington football player named Derrick Jones was this past week — one that I can pretty arrested this past week for the highly We’ve been through the whole “huge much guarantee we won’t have a repeat of unusual offense of “maintaining a drug personal pot stash mistakenly assumed by any time soon. It seems Washington State house.” Oregon is one of many states that police to be a start-up distribution ring” free safety Xavier Hicks was pissed at has one of these absurd “drug house” laws, thing at least once already this year, so roommate and teammate Grady Maxwell which in most cases allow neighbors to call I won’t go over the ground rules again. for leaving on Christmas break without in tips to police, report some neighbor’s Basically, busts like this are errors of paying the cable bill. When Maxwell property as a “drug house,” and then scale: athletes are often big guys, and big returned from vacation, he found the cable force the eviction of said neighbor after guys sometimes have big needs. shut off and, well, something not quite police make an undercover buy at that location. The amounts required to be on the property in order for the scene to be labeled a “drug house” vary from state to Sports Blotter Legend state, but in Oregon the bar is apparently set quite low, as Jones was arrested with “less than an ounce.” Open container Exotic X-treme DUI Women's Dancer/Hooker undergarments of alcohol This isn’t the fi rst time Jones has been in the box. He was arrested in October for driving with a suspended sentence, and Cloying/ "Disagreement" Supernaturally Rape/Sexual Agent-drafted in parking lot large quantity even missed a game as a result. Oregon assault public apology of marijuana tends to be a bit harsher with its in-school Those drugs discipline than other colleges, so look out Stats cheerily belong to my for real measures to be taken. For our part, Frantic spousal recited after Unregistered brother/cousin/ I think we can all agree that it is simply not handgun 911 call AP report some guy right to give a guy a hard time for having weed on his property. One point for Jones Supernatural Burglary/theft — they did throw a contempt-of-court quantitiesBig-ass SUV of Incident involving GamblingNo contest plea pot "baby momma" charge on top of the drug thing, apparently a failure-to-appear ticket.

The BEAST ~ March, 2008 ~ ISSUE # 124 ~ buffalobeast.com 29 is directing this fecal extravaganza. So, in addition to some fake-tanned, blue-eyed whiteys running around like they’re remaking Clan of the Cave Bear or Quest for Fire all while speaking the Queen’s English, Emmerich’s throwing in some oversized CG sabretooth tigers and woolly mammoths. You know, because anyone who saw that kick-ass version of Godzilla he did ten years ago will tell you that computer-generated animals are his forte. Just ask those Narnia-esque wolves from The Day After Tomorrow! They’ll 124 tell you! Drillbit Taylor

10,000 B.C. for me. But my point is that I don’t associate Mardi Gras with public drunkenness, easy pickings and sloppy titties for shiny plastic beads; I associate this most festive of occasions with puking through my nose at work, and that taste— “These kids make me wanna die.” that fucking taste in my mouth. I could make some completely Kind of like indigenous inappropriate remark about Drillbit native peoples. Since Taylor being the reason that Owen Wilson seeing Mel Gibson’s coma- tried to off himself last fall, but I wanted inducing Apocalypto, to off myself after seeing the trailer. So I associate epic I’ve tasted the guy’s pain and it’s not a extravaganzas about place I’d like to revisit let alone joke scantily clad ancient about. natives with nausea and loss of the will to live. Just kidding. These mongrels, heathens, or whatever politically So Drillbit Taylor is about a wackadoo correct euphemism you bodyguard ex-military type who’s hired prefer, always look like by some fat and/or geeky high school students to make some bullies stop “Raaargh! No more Iams!” they belong in a metal video, because that’s the picking on them. It looks like a more only place you’re going to likable version of Bad Santa—not in the see white guys with dreads sense that you’ll like it more than Bad Some years back, I went out with friends and face paint who look like they belong Santa, just that Wilson’s character is for for Fat Tuesday. They kept pushing the more in a beer commercial than ancient… some reason more likable than Billy Bob free crawfi sh on me (that should’ve said wherever. And of course the random stray Thornton’s was. So Wilson teaches the it all right there, “free crawfi sh”) and scrotum or pair of National Geographic kids how to protect themselves and while despite my protestations of disdain for boobs fl opping about are ever present, doing some undercover work at their seafood, I ate some. I think the fact that for the sake of historical accuracy. school, Wilson meets a teacher/love Elvis Presley had a song called “Crawfi sh” interest. It’s all very nice. It really is. was what eventually made me cave. What makes all of this even more of a Today that would just be a deal breaker drag is the fact that Roland Emmerich Again, just kidding.

30 The BEAST ~ March, 2008 ~ ISSUE # 124 ~ buffalobeast.com The Bank Job Every once in a while one of these Run, Fatboy, Run cinematic Statham Brand air biscuits isn’t loud and doesn’t stink, not too much at least. The Bank Job looks like it just may fall into that category. In what looks like a British Ocean’s Eleven, allegedly based on a true story from ‘70s London, Statham heads up a crew hired to break into a bank to recover some incriminating evidence concerning the royal family and the embarrassment they’d hope to avoid. Said McGuffi n is in a safety deposit box, and I’m guessing that anything else Statham and crew can get their hands on is their own as long as the pictures are recovered. Something like that, anyway.

Oh, and the crew is largely comprised of idiots, the slightly mannish-looking chick Jason Statham continues to squint on cue from Boston Legal is in it, and these turkeys steal from the wrong people. I’ve seen maybe 4 or 5 of his movies, and Some mob boss, maybe. But whoever put I’m pretty much sick of Jason Statham this trailer together scored it to “London Simon Pegg ruins his hipster cred with already. Oh sure, he’s pulled off what very Calling” by The Clash—a song so cool that this awful romantic comedy few guys have been able to—he’s generally if I heard it while my house burned to the perceived as what the kids call “attractive” ground, I wouldn’t feel too bad or mind and he’s bald. That’s like balling Paris at all for that matter. Another thing such Stop, Simon Pegg, stop! The only thing Hilton and not getting a case of panty- a classic song as this might make me do worse than a romantic comedy is a British crickets—jerking off the impossible! But is get pumped up and actually forget that romantic comedy. Simon Pegg takes time Statham also does commonly bad action I was watching a preview for the dopey off from the spoof movies he’s famous for movies that can only truly be appreciated cousin of Snatch, Layer Cake or Lock, such as Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz when someone pulls out the wheelchair Stock and Two Smoking Barrels. But to play some douchetard who left the weed and plays them on the TV in your instead I’ll watch Ocean’s Eleven (the allegedly hot and pregnant (the pregnant friend’s kitchen. “Under duress,” I believe remake of course) and listen to “London part is more factual than the hot part) the legal term is. Calling.” On the TV in my friend’s kitchen. Thandie Newton at the altar some years I know how to distract myself as well… ago. She’s marrying Hank Azaria now and Pegg suddenly wants Newton back. Oh, and since Pegg’s a shitty human being, Azaria is of course on the precipice of sainthood, making it all the harder for Pegg to make amends, wipe the slate clean and get Newton back.

I don’t know what to say. I really don’t know what to say. Maybe this is a testament to my disability, maybe I’m getting lazy, maybe I’ve fi nally had it. I don’t know. But I just don’t know how many ways I can say something sucks and it looks like shit. I could make fun of Simon Pegg, and despite the fact that I laughed a few times during Shaun of the Dead, he’s creepy as all red-headed men are and he looks like a child molester. I could say that Thandie Newton looks like the female man from The Crying Game, except not as Prince-like. I could say that I wouldn’t be surprised if she had a dick. You want me to say that? Would you like that? I could mention that I’m surprised that Hank Azaria is still alive, let alone working. In movies. I could say that. Because, you know, I am. I’m very surprised.

The BEAST ~ March, 2008 ~ ISSUE # 124 ~ buffalobeast.com 31 21 They will come alone (with the exception The whole thing looks like some crappy of one of their attorneys) and unarmed, teen dramedy that’s seen Ocean’s Eleven with all tangible demands and a contract too many times. I’ll go see 21 on the agreeing to the rest of my demands. I will following conditions: show up with my attorney, Paul Fallon, esq., a notary public and a heavily armed 1) Kate Bosworth eats private army I will hire for the day. By something, namely a three- reading this, the producers of 21 agree to course meal, on camera. And pay for said army’s services in the event I want to see a notarized they do not show on the afternoon of document stating that she March 15th. didn’t throw it up and I want to see the poop on camera as Stop-Loss well. Specifi cally on the lens. But I think that last part was covered in the trailer. Never mind that last one. 2) Kevin Spacey promises not to sing ever again and says that he’s fully aware that life (LIFE life—not the fame or “I haven’t acted since American Beauty—cheers!” breakfast cereal) and American Idol are not the same thing. 3) The producers Oooh! A bunch of math nerds from MIT apologize, also on camera, for decide to go to Las Vegas, use their using a Spoon song to try and get powers of nerd-dom for evil and clean people to see this movie. house under the tutelage of a shady 4) I don’t have to pay any money to professor. And wait—it gets better!!! It’s see this. And if I don’t like 21, based on a true story. Those always rule! the producers have to promise Always! to get me the hour and a half, two hours or however long the “Should we, like, cry and stuff?” So a whiz kid/math whiz/wizz whiz running time of 21 is back to defi nitely has the brains to attend one me. 5) The producers of 21 buy me a Just when you thought the situation in of the most prestigious schools in the Iraq couldn’t get any more messed up, country, but of course he’s poor as shit. pair of nickel-plated .45s (which are mine to keep regardless) MTV Films has to go interjecting their He falls in with a group of other promising detached take on things, with a movie students (and of course with them being that I can shoot them with if I like nothing whatsoever about starring Ryan Phillippe as an army soldier math students, a few of them have to who’s forced into a second tour of duty. be Asian) led by Kevin Spacey (is this 21. 6) I am allowed to record a venomous And speaking of forced, Phillippe’s Texan guy even fucking trying anymore? Does drawl, and the clichéd use of a Slipknot, this guy think just because he’s got two and hateful commentary track to be included on the DVD release Disturbed, Korn or whoever song to go Oscars under his belt that he can just fuck along with the stylized, Army his career in the ass and wipe his dick on of 21. My commentary is not required in any way to be about commercialesque footage of the fi ghting the curtains? The last great thing Spacey in the Middle East, make this movie like did was American Beauty and once he the movie 21. 7) I get to be a guest programmer Fahrenheit 9/11 remade into a music got that golden statue in his hand it was video. A boring one. like see ya, suckas! And as for his turn as on Turner Classic Movies and talk about how and why any movie Lex Luthor in that last Superman movie— I know what they’re trying to do here. forget about it! All he does is movies with played on said channel is better than 21. I know. Creating a Deer Hunter for this Kate Bosworth and she’s either a grade-A generation. Make a movie that captures fruit fl y or he’s in the process of nailing or 8) That I get more wishes, more to the point an infi nite amount all of the angst, anxiety, frustration, trying to nail her) who take to counting anger and general unpopularity of the cards in Las Vegas. that the producers of 21 (and subsequently any of their Iraq war. Show the soldiers come back to benefi ciaries in the event of The World unable to cope, despite warm Obviously things head south once Laurence welcomes and open arms. Stop-Loss looks Fishburne gets wise to the whole thing. their deaths) must honor at any time I say. like it revolves around a small group of And the whole “I’m doing this just until friends. Phillippe’s character seems to I get enough money for school” thing be refusing to go back out of principle or doesn’t pan out too well as these punks If the producers of 21 agree to my terms they will meet me at the location something. Another is a Young Republican get a little greedy. Spacey shows his true with a girl’s name (the actor at least) colors and the whiz kid gets to nail Kate formerly known as Earl’s in Chaffee, NY on the afternoon of March 15th at 3PM. who’d gladly take a Louisville Slugger in Bosworth (see above diatribe). the ass for this country and another one

32 The BEAST ~ March, 2008 ~ ISSUE # 124 ~ buffalobeast.com who looks like he’s going to snap and infected were fenced off and left to blow his brains out in that shitty hotel die, the virus comes back! Time doesn’t right off the 44. heal all wounds? What a premise! Shit almighty!!! Stop-Loss looks like the kind of movie that might actually be good, but in that But wait! After that suspenseful 25 annoying, “important” way. I’m not years, some damn fool opens the interested and I don’t care. It could be gate separating the virus from the Varsity Blues for all I know. But again, I uninfected, containment fails and all don’t care. I don’t like being guilted into hell breaks loose. There’s a group of seeing movies either, and that’s what I survivors somewhere in what I like to feel like is going on here. So screw you, call The Scary Zone. In the trailer they Ryan Phillippe, and your lantern-chinned call it the Hard Zone, but I can’t take a ex-wife and your socially conscious damn thing in this trailer seriously aside movies. Jerks… from that few-second ass shot of the chick who used to be on Boston Legal, Doomsday so I’m debating making shit up at this point. Like the Lawrence Olivier cameo, the fl ying Cadillac or the saxophone guns, with which improvised breakneck solos hold more fi repower and do more damage than Sherman tank rounds.

So the whole 28 Days Later or zombie-movie-in- general angle has had a hole dry- humped into its thigh and a few layers of skin fl ayed away. But what else to rape and pillage? Hold up! Post-apocalypse? Dystopian hell? Let’s rip off cyberpunks and roving gangs of “In a world where fi re is magic and fake tits roam the land...” freaks who’d kill you as soon as look at you—and probably will! And Malcolm McDowell “I just don’t need none of that Mad Max can be their leader, because he basically bullshit” hasn’t done anything worth wiping your -Modest Mouse ass with since A Clockwork Orange. Yeah, he’s an all around sinister and Anyone who reads these reviews with creepy guy who can spew poorly-written anything resembling consistency knows venom with the worst of them! Let the that when it comes to movies about straight-to-video embarrassment fl ow! the apocalypse, I’m a big fan. It’s like porn for the soul. Porn for my soul, to Then Doomsday decides to rip off be exact. But with porn, like everything Escape From New York, stick the singer else, there are good examples and bad from Prodigy in there and make Boston examples. Doomsday looks like a bad Legal look generally all business and example. even more constipation as she delivers dialogue out of Cheaters episodes with A truly bad example. Some catastrophic bad posture and even worse range. Bob virus wipes out most of humanity (or Hoskins shows up for a paycheck, and if maybe just Europe—these trailers can I ever do see this movie I will not do so be so vague sometimes) and 25 years without at least a case of the cheapest later, just when it would appear that beer I can fi nd in me, and the worst everything’s under control after the outlook I can muster.

The BEAST ~ March, 2008 ~ ISSUE # 124 ~ buffalobeast.com 33 LIFE ON THE L-LIST Tom Arnold replies: continues, the terrorists win.” That’s kind of hard to follow up. Anti-climax and all Hey there, Jeff-o! Whoa, buddy, you that...but STILL. Give me SOMETHING, This is the fi rst time I have ever actually gotta calm down, okay? Well, look, it’s guys. I have a 17 month old son, and I live complained about something I read on the probably too late to save your job—unless on the West Coast, where we can actually internet. Somehow someone sent me an Mike Barney is a likeminded goose- leave the house between November and e-amil with the 50 worst people of 2007 steppin’ kinda guy—so you gotta start April, ergo, I have a life, not all fun, but or whatever the hell you call it. I think thinkin’ long-term, pal, all right? Now, defi ntely busy. I count on y’all (it’s a real it was the worst thing I have ever read. it’s all in the pre-nup. ‘Cause when the word, I swear) to elucidate all the crap Which you may actually for some strange wife walks—and she just might, once that gets below (or even above) my radar. reason be proud of. I just wonder how someone can be so angry about so many this Nazi stuff hits the tabloids and the I have $30 in my pocket and will by a things. Do you people need a nap maybe kids are involved…It’s splitsville, buddy! subscription if you will either: to get laid more. I mean get out enjoy life She’s gonna walk, man, and she’s taken a) reply to this email (please don’t I don’t care if it is all in fun or not its too the tots with her, you better believe it! bother, it’s inane, and was written at 3:45 visceral to be entilrely manufactured. I’m You gotta make sure you’re taken care PST, 2 hours after my son fell asleep, not asking you to stop writing, but realize of—I, mean, what are you gonna do, get and probably qualifi es as “ill-informed your opinion isn’t really all that important another job? Dude, the Third Reich’s not ravings.” we all have them. Also try and talk to hirin’, man! They’re outta business— b) update your blog at least once a week. people with differing views it helps build permanently! So, all you need is that Even if it’s just one sentence or even a perspective. Good luck and have fun. piece of paper and you’re gold. Oh, man, “check out this link”-kind-of-thing. it’s gonna be great with you bein’ outta work, just takin’ it easy! No wife around, So, whatever. The choice is yours... Tom Arnold no kids hasslin’ you with their love and I’ll probably be getting the subcription affection, once their classmates start anyway...But I love your work, and Dear Tom, wailin’ on ‘em ‘cause their dad’s a rabid, selfi shly want more, even at the cost of Gee, an actual celebrity, sort of! Well deadbeat hatemonger…Say, if you’re your health, personal life & sanity... Tom, we can’t all get famous by briefl y not doin’ anything…What am I sayin’? marrying hoggish, repellent comediennes, Of course you’re not! You wanna grabs Sincerely, can we? No, some of us have to write some drinks later tonight? I’ll pick up a Kristin things, things that are funny enough for coupla chicks—whaddaya say? Just ixnay your stupid friends to forward them to on the ikekay—one of ‘em’s from Long P.S.: Sorry for all the run-on sentences. you. How far do you think the e-mail Island...You can have the other one—she’s P.P.S.: Let me know if you ever need a chain would have traveled for your Norwegian. place to crash in the Bay Area, CA. I like performance in The Stupids? How far the 1st Amendment too :) for McHale’s Navy? We all have opinions, (& no, you wouldn’t get laid here either.) Tom; it’s true. But the problem with yours BLARGH-O-SHPERE is that we’ve seen your work, and you have no fucking credibility whatsoever OK, that Primary article had me laughing Dear Kristin, when it comes to determining what my ass off [Ian Murphy & Paul Jones, The blog was once updated daily, and is funny. An attack from you is like a “Primary Fever,” issue 123]; seriously, then something happened: We realized thumbs up from Richard fucking Pryor. I almost puked I was laughing so hard. nobody was reading it. Then we got So thanks, Tom. And good god, the letters this month tired. Then some other stuff happened. (02/2008) had me snickering endlessly... Tom Arnold probably has a blog, why DOUCHEBAG UBER ALLES But still, what the fuck (sorry, no “WTF” don’t you check that out? We hear he has euphimisms here) is up with the blog? All opinions. Comments: hey guys, just thought you kinds of great stuff happening and you fuckin jews should grow up and quit can’t even be bothered to post a snide FEVER SPREADS wackin each other off you fuckin faggots! remark about Mitt Romney quitting Heil Hitler!!! the race? Although, I must admit, Jon Thanks guys for the great laughs! This Stewart nailed that shit with “...if the one is a classic, up there with “Let There Jeff Chism, chism@mikebarneynissan. Mitt Rommney campaign for presidency com Be Retards”. The BEAST rules!

34 The BEAST ~ March, 2008 ~ ISSUE # 124 ~ buffalobeast.com Melissa Coleman write this stuff. No matter how wrong it although...). is. Give them the same respect. Jeff Chism responds: Anonymous You sure made my day brighter. Thanks Nein! Ze BEAST eez nuzeeng! Zey donut again. rule anyzeeng! Und ze retahd eez a blot Dear Anonymous, Forrest Prince on humanity vhich muzt be eeliminated Well, we have no idea which article you’re een ze qvest vor Aryan zupremazy! Ve complaining about, but it has become Dear Forrest, at Mike Bahney Neezan ah Vestuhn New kind of insane how common this “Troops While the story is true and there’s Yuk’s only Ubermenschen! Ve shallenge are dying for your right to make fun pictures and video to prove it, we resent any uzzer dealerzhips to beat our of them” meme has become in our in- the accusation that we couldn’t have commitment to zales, zervice and razial boxes. If this is true, we have seriously made it up. We could have made it up; purity! Televhone now vor appointment underestimated our popularity. How we’re pretty creative guys. Although o’ gooze-ztep on down und sprechen Sie does this work in your head, exactly? we probably would have gotten laid mit an Obergruppenfurher vor a tezt “Mr. President, Saddam Hussein has somewhere in there. drive! Schnell! threatened to attack the United States unless The BEAST stops publishing!” PLEASE BILK ME PS Oon zegond zought, Coleman zounds “Well godammit, get Rummy on the phone, we gotta invade!” Right. Again, lige a Jew name! Vhere a’ yoor paypers, Well you bastards are just hilarious,spot no idea what the sexism stuff is about, so ja? on and have some gigantic balls - so I will try to fi ll in the “article” part of the e-mail send you $ for a subscription. form next time, k? UNSPECIFIED OUTRAGE You need some goddamned merchandise - because I want a shirt with that image of If you think this is true then you must also Larry Craig crawling out of the toilet - and think that it is ok for someone to come LIKES HAM really I would be happy to wear all of your in your mother’s house and hit her. That brilliant artwork around - so make some it is ok for someone to come into your Absolutely, ABSOLUTELY, the most shit for us to buy ! house and hit your wife and daughter. It uproarious, gut-splitting funniest thing Jerry Vessel is people like you that I don’t understand. I have read all freakin’ year long in the We are in 2008 and you can’t get out of blogosphere [Ian Murphy, “Let There be Jeff Chism replies: the 1800s. Women have the same rights Retards,” issue 117]. Thanks, Ian, you’re Nein! Ze BEAST’s tezticles ah puny! Zere as men because that is they way it is. especially specially special in my book. gonads ah minizcule—drained vrom Without women there would be no men BTW, I got here from a link at Daily Kos. exzezzive mazturbazion! Und jou vant because I know you can’t birth them!! to buy ze tee-zhirt mit ze pigture of ze Get over yourself and whatever you think What an incredible expose on the homozexual on zee vront? Vhat eef ve happened to you to make you believe this. gullibility of the Jeebus campers -- you frogmarch jou down to Mike Bahney It is not as bad as what you are trying to. pulled it off to perfection (assuming Neezan und zlap a gold ztar on joor You just remember men and women are your story to be true; in fact I do -- you ahm?! Sieg heil! dying right now to give you the freedom to probably couldn’t have made this up, IMPORTED HAM

Disappointed you did not include Ken Ham, since the Kentucky Creation Museum opened this year. A defi nite contender- still not too late to amend your list and replace one of those “fi ller” names, like “Us”. 2008, perhaps? Nathan

Dear Nathan, Ham is Australian. That is all.

EL CHUPACABRA

You - It should be #1. “We” are the cause of all the problems above. We are the goat fellators who make this shit happen.

Great article though! Thanks!

Juan De La Puta

Dear Juan, We demand to see the evidence upon

The BEAST ~ March, 2008 ~ ISSUE # 124 ~ buffalobeast.com 35 which you base the libelous claim that we you guys can enunciate within a sentence cake through 10 feet of aluminum tubes. have ever fellated any goats, sir, because or two. So no mystery there. Plus, she was the we are 90% sure you have none. only one left in the Press Secretary’s offi ce Regarding the article Sweet Nothings after the last three fell to leprosy. LAUGH RIOT [Allan Uthman, issue 114], I’ve been noticing that trend frequently as well. POLITITIONS ARE SFRAID There was a show on PBS last week your list was pretty funny up until #28. called Oswald’s Ghost - the fi rst 95% did Thats really messed up. It doesnt matter if fear. by all. dm casey giggles every night decent job of maintaining “balance” (for you support the troops or not, people are reliving the pathetic souls he has crushed whatever that’s worth), with both sides dying over there. How is that funny? on any given day.the press lives in fear of the evidence pointing to Oswald being Chris asking a question that may effect them a patsy. So all of that led to the obvious personally. polititions who answer conclusion that JFK wasn’t killed by a Dear Chris, questions simultaneously quivering. lone nut - wrong. They fi nished the show Yeah, see... it’s not. parents who forget that children are by basically ignoring everything that had children who should be slapped when been said to that point, and concluded appropriate. and us. because bullshit FREEDOM that there was in fact, no conspiracy. is obvious, yet we are sfraid to voice this Now, avoiding the details of the case, and ISN’T FREEDOM when it is so obvious? we have no golden who’s right and who’s wrong - this was parachute, folks, but they do. but that just a bullshit move on PBS’ part. Just Number 28 on your list is absolutely doesn’t give you an excuse to prove my lettin’ off some steam, here. disgusting and if you meant to be funny, point. fear is a handicap. a handicap with you failed. You should be ashamed a cure. it’s called “balls”. aint got none? Keep up the good work, Beast of yourself. Those men are out there go to rent a center and rent a pair. the protecting your freedom. point: i don’t like you. don’t like me? Linda Gonzalez Rippedfl annel what the hell do i care. i’ll never know it. pussies. Dear Linda, Dear...ugh... “Rippedfl annel,” Right. How dare we exercise the freedom Your name sucks ding-dongs. Seriously, love, they’re supposedly protecting? Well, even your friends think it’s unforgivably john gallivan that’s America, Linda. If you don’t like it lame. And they’re right you can get out. ps: give me your lunch money.

ALMOST HEINOUS PERI-NO! Jeff Chism replies: Ve hav nozeeng to vear egzept ze Jews! I like you guys. By you guys I mean the Upon reading Loathsome person #31 to And zere eez vone beeg gure for zem word you and the word guys. I wish I my husband, he held his face in his hands all! Vezzer jou need ze oil shange, liked guys, because then I wouldn’t be the and said “oh my god. She has a desk, and dire rodazion or millions ov Jews potential father of a child with a really gets paid more than I do.” egsterminaded, ve at Mike Bahney short and fat mother with bad breath.I Neezan vow to vork overdime to gomplete would rather put a weiner in my mouth. ugh, she has an offi ce. With underlings ze vinal zolution! Mike Bahney Neezan I believe in karma and understand that I that feign respect and a sense of eez jor vone-ztop genozide zhop! Ztop am going to hell when I grow up. Please importance. Does she get a letterhead, by zoon und get ze goupon vor a vree give me money or a job so I can afford the too? Motherfuck, she probably gets a ganister of Zyklon B mit any roudine drugs to arrive in hell quicker. I can write government car! maindenanze! pretty funny things when no one is reading so stop reading this, and imagine that I am The shock could go on and on, but really I a guinus that can spell the word geinus. I can’t get past that despairing shutter and PER[sic]UTION can punch myself in the eye if you don’t the sense that all hope is lost. The White want me to. House new ad campaign: “Make Global Hello Ian, Stephen Warming Work for You!” or “When Life Hands You Shit, Make Shit Salad!” Your hatred for Christian churches is Dear Stephen, The government can give Bill Hicks and evident [Ian Murphy, “Welcome to the Well, that’s too bad, because we really Frank Zappa cancer; can’t they sneak Monkey House,” issue 108]. Worst of all, want you to. some tuberculum into her JuicyJuice? you hate the only One who can save you from judgment, Jesus Christ, who died for Love Always, you demented little freaks. you. You may choose to disbelieve. God SOLOMON GRUNGY permits you to reject Him. Free will. Just a Kate from Kingston word of warning though:

Hey, 2 Timothy 3 Dear Kate, I really appreciate the way you guys “But realize this, that in the last days Well-behaved women rarely make approach your articles. I sometimes have diffi cult times will come. For men history, and Dana Perino rarely recalls it. a hard time explaining myself - but those will be lovers of self, lovers of money, But we hear the bitch can suck a uranium same ideas I struggle to clearly express, boastful, arrogant, revilers, disobedient

36 The BEAST ~ March, 2008 ~ ISSUE # 124 ~ buffalobeast.com to parents, ungrateful, unholy, unloving, Christian Republican. From what I’ve ons becos i felt it insignifi cant in regards irreconcilable, malicious gossips, without read on the site, to many of your readers to my life in my world. I was shallow, self-control, brutal, haters of good, it is thus fact that I hate gays/foreigners/ extremely obsessed with materialism,and treacherous, reckless, conceited, lovers of ”dusky” races, am against abortion, am some superfi cial things because i am the pleasure rather than lovers of God...” an ardent Creationist, and reject all product of a material shallow enviroment science/reason in favor of the impending and a victim of fashion and vanity. I guess Ian, one last thing, digest this carefully: apocalypse that will surely happen in the i was a Paris Hilton before Paris Hilton, next day or so. The only problem is that only with alot lot lot less money! I’m also Isaiah 5:20-21 I...well...I’m actually none of those things. not slutty, and i don’t lack class, however “Woe to those who call evil good, and good I temper my faith with intense reason, i’ve been known to be a ditz and party evil; Who substitute darkness for light and thus do not deny scientifi c fact (from girl and in love with all the attention and light for darkness; Who substitute evolution on up). Moreover, I could care and glamour etc! Now i’m part that gal bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter! Woe less whether or not people embrace my still within, but i am so serious about my to those who are wise in their own eyes personal, chosen faith. I am pro choice. research, the future and spreading what and clever in their own sight! Woe to I am against illegal immigration, but in i have learnt and am learning. Anyway, those who are heroes in drinking wine favor of immigration achieved through our i’m writing because i am so interested and valiant men in mixing strong drink, established channels. I accept all creeds, in being an agent for your magazine for Who justify the wicked for a bribe and sexes, sexual orientations and races as New Zealand sales. I’m keen to represent take away the rights of the ones who are human beings, and reject assholes. I and sell mags like yours and Impious in the right! Therefore, as a tongue of fi re understand that sexuality is not a choice Digest. By the way i use to be an addict consumes stubble and dry grass collapses (unless a non-gay decides to become “gay” buyer of magazines like COSMO, CLEO, into the fl ame, So their root will become to stay in vogue, which happens, though NW, OK, GLAMOUR, MADAMOISELLE, like rot and their blossom blow away as rare). I am a patriot who is against the HARPERS BIZAAR,NEW WOMEN dust; For they have rejected the law of the war. I am a Republican who is decidedly ETC,HOWEVER NOW I HATE MOST OF Lord of hosts and despised the word of the non-conservative, and who feels that THE CONTENT AND THE MESSAGES Holy One of Israel. we have lost our way. I, basically, am THEY ARE SENDING OUT TO THEIR not a fucking label. While your site is READERS, AND IT WOULD BE GREAT I will pray for you. I suggest you watch entertaining, I just hope that you know TO DO A MAGAZINE THAT WOULD ATTRACT THE SAME READERS WITH the words that proceed from your mouth that there are people like me out there THE FASHION AND HIP STUFF TO or pen, for God will hold you accountable who may have a difference of opinion but ENTICE READERS LESS THE TRASH for every idle word you speak. May Christ are decidedly different from the rest of the AND FILTH AND ARTICLES THAT DU! forgive your ignorance and hatred. assholes that you lampoon. MB DOWN CJ Matt THE EASILY LEAD TYPES. A MAGAZINE THAT WOULD CONTAIN SUCH RICH Dear Matt, Dear CJ, INSIGHTS AND KNOWLEDGE WHILST That’s great you’re an individual and Oh, come on. You think you’re the fi rst ALSO CONTAINING CELEBRITY all, but it seems even sillier to vote mandroid to quote some ooga-booga CONTENT, MOSTLY FOCUSING ON Republican if you disagree with them on bible bullshit at us in a futile effort to THE HIP,COOL,STYLY GIRLS AND frighten us into false belief? Fuck you, everything. Good luck with those phony GUYS WHO ARE GOOD ROLE MODELS. CJ. Besides, you don’t really want your gays! AS THEY SAY...DO THE OPPOSITE TO angry, torturing god to forgive Ian, now THE STATUS QUO!! do you? No, because if your vain, jealous LITERAL ESCALATION lord were to forgive blasphemers like Sincerely him, what the hell would be the point of I’d like to see more mags like yours and Johanna Davis all of your self-loathing and self-denial? Impious Digest sold in New Zealand. It’d be like camping out for Springsteen I’ve discovered your magazine through Dear Johanna, tickets, only to have some jerk cut in front a link which was through another link. We’re glad you’ve shed your mindless of you in line at the last minute. That I’ve only just become interested in materialism. Now it’s time to realize motherfucker better get hoisted out of the real World News and Affairs since not everything you read on the internet there, or all your suffering’s for naught, discovering a whole lot of imformation is true. And incidentally, the material CJ. In fact, your whole life is a bet that thru my researching and investigating most likely to be untrue on the internet Ian will go to hell, if you think about it. subjects - eg:Freemasons,illuminati,ne is the text in ALL CAPS. ALL CAPS TEXT You lose, CJ. philims,NWO,Ancient civilisations,and SIGNIFIES AN IRRATIONAL SENSE OF so much more which has come about SELF-IMPORTANCE, AND IS LIKELY since i took an interest in Revelations TO HAVE BEEN TYPED BY A PERSON ENIGMA WRAPPED and Freemasons. I had attended a DESCENDING INTO SCHIZOPHRENIA!! IN A DUMMY conference that Chuck Missler spoke at, THANKS FOR DROPPING US A LINE!!! which came about quite by chance, and Alright...I understand the American i heard startling stuff that compelled adherence to labels and whatnot [Allison me to investigate a couple of things and JOINER Kilkenny, “Stop Being an Asshole,” issue well i’ve just kept on going and going. I come across imformation by chance alot 122]. I really do. However, I’d like to point First-timer, loved the writing. Number of times and it’s all in sync with wot i’m out that labels are also fucking stupid. nine, I suppose, although I never watch interested in! I admit i never took much I, for example, would be labeled as a CNN anymore (died before Turner sold notice of the world politics and going

The BEAST ~ March, 2008 ~ ISSUE # 124 ~ buffalobeast.com 37 it, and then there’s Glenn Beck,) and, I hope my son at least will become more LIMITED HORIZONS living in LA, have no need to watch any open minded, as he gets older. He’s 30. celebrity news, as it is an actual, measured air pollutant in the LA Basin, measured in AtomicWarBABY!! Dear Buffalo Beast, dnpd (dead neurons per day) per person. Dear Atomic, Let me start off by saying that I live in Got it on a recommend, and will include We hate to break it to you, but becoming Portland, Maine. Yes, I know, “What the as a recommended link on the Club’s more open-minded after 30 is not exactly fuck am I doing here?” crosses my mind newsletter. Oh, did I mention I’m the typical. Try giving him some acid. daily—no need to tell me that. I came here, president of a large Democratic Club out from Buffalo, for a job, and I hate it. This here? place is puritanical, close minded, and Shoot me. BUSTED lacks diversity—I think there are about 6 black people who live here (and I am fairly convinced that if there was a Hispanic PS: Amen on Pelosi & Reid. And I was All, person walking the streets a good number my Club’s moderate candidate for prez, of the Arcadian rejects and limey castoffs who said, “Screw impeachment, let’s work I have always read your 50 list every year, who call themselves Mainers would shit to get a majority in Congress and show but never spent any time reading the rest a proverbial brick). Sarcasm does not America our agenda.” of the site. Until this week. go a long way here, as I have recently Well, screw me once shame on them, been rudely made aware of (never tell a screw me...again...I won’t get screwed Bravo. And thanks. Exceptional writing. fi sherman you think his mama is black and again! Impeach him, and remove these Like ruthlessreviews.com before it started then offer condolences that she would’ve two wimps, before the new offi cial sucking. I’ve sent the URL around to my been a whore, white or black), and, well, slogan for America is ‘SSDR’ (Same Shit, fellow shitheads and douchebags. when it comes to fi nding females that Different Republican.) aren’t the size of polar bears—the likes Kelley Willis You’re bookmarked, and will be a part of my daily routine at work, where I pretend of which need to be brought down with a tranquilizer gun to keep them from seeing Dear Kelley, to work. me as lunch or dinner—the song “It’s Too late. The tourist board is already Raining Men” comes to mind, alleluia! printing up the brochures. Bmack To make a long story short, I would like Dear Bmack, to thank you guys for keeping me sane OPTIMIST They can read your e-mail, you know. (or insane, depending how the world sees these things nowadays) and for making Thanx for the hilarious story of your me ponder of a return to the Queen City. visit to the Creation Museum! My I look forward to the day when I might be son & daughter-in-law took my 4 yr. BOLTON FROM THE BLUE able to sit down, again, at either Essex or old granddaughter to see it recently; Merlin’s, or any number of my favorite Mommy is “home schooling” her, for her This was a good article, as semi-automatic dives, and slam back cheep beer and chase “preschool” Darwin help us! She also rotten tomato cannons go, but I think it women of lose moral fi ber and ill repute. teaches at her CHURCH the TEENAGERS. was greatly diminished by the exclusion I didn’t raise my son to be a fundmentalist of John Bolton. Naturally, there are any Cheers you ungrateful fucks (I use Christian, but after my Divorce, he number of other pernicious turd-burglers “ungrateful fucks” respectfully, of course), unfortunately went to live w/ his stupid one could cite as deserving of inclusion Dan Dad for High School, & his Dad, who here -- Ehud Olmert, Ehud Barach, Pervez had traded BOOZE for the BIBLE, took Musharraf, etc. -- the list is endless, and I PS Did I mention the bars close at 1 here, him to a local Kentucky fundamentalist think readers understand that there’s just thus making it very diffi cult to get a proper (REALLY) church, then after his Marriage, no way to properly tar and feather all of drunk on. he started going to a United Methodist them. Church, which apparently is teaching the Jeff Chism replies: fundamentalist type of stuff, including Still, I can’t help but think the omission Creationism, “End Times” idiocy like “Left of Bolton was a real weakness here. I Jou hav found a playz almozt gompledely Behind” books, etc. mean, is there really ANYONE in this razially pure, und jou don’t lige it?! So, I’ve been REALLY bummed out, as I’m hemisphere more truly deserving of Dummkopf! Zat zounds lige zey have 60 & to me, “Tommy” rock opera, “Jesus having his Stinking Blowhole Syndrome embrazed ze tenets of Lebensraum! Und Christ SuperStart” rock opera, & the “cured” by being buried head-fi rst in fetid ze vomen ah saftig, ja? Pleazandly plump, “hippie” Jesus freak type of “Christianity, heap of elephant dingus? Really now. ja?! Eet zounds just lige ze Deutschland, as well as “Environmental” creation care, ja?! How vould a Neezan Dealerzhip do is my thing!! --DKM een zis playz called Maine?

My daughter in law told me emphatically Dear DKM, that you “can’t be a Christian if you believe We were going to include Bolton, but then in EVOLUTION”, & believes if you don’t he threatened to nuke us. He’d do it too; believe exactly her beliefs, you will “go to you know he would. hell”.

38 The BEAST ~ March, 2008 ~ ISSUE # 124 ~ buffalobeast.com As divined by Gemini (May 21 – June 20) other news, Jerry O’Connell is not Andrew Gullerstein If you met a guy, Gemini, and the fi rst Jason Bateman. Pay attention, Virgo. thing he did was lick your hand, and then he ran around your apartment Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22) knocking shit over and peeing on your Connoisseurship is the thinnest of rug, pausing to inhale an egg roll off veils, Libra. Any drink that explodes your coffee table, how long would it when ignited is not “fi ne.” take you to throw him the fuck out? I hate your dog, Gemini. Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21) I’m glad you had a great Valentine’s Cancer (June 21 – July 22) day, Scorpio, but it’s probably a good If you wanted to work where the air idea to let your “beau” out of the cage wasn’t thick with dangerous chemicals, (Feb 18 – Mar 20) in your basement. Just drop him off in Pisces Cancer, you shouldn’t have gone into Here’s a hint, Pisces: If a magazine the desert. journalism. Now get to work; those T- makes you feel ugly and inadequate, shirts won’t print themselves. maybe you shouldn’t renew your Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21) subscription. Try Harper’s. Glass is technically a liquid, Sagittarius, Leo (July 23 – Aug 22) but it’s still not a good idea to throw There’s no question that warrantless balloons full of it at your friends on hot Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19) wiretapping and telecom immunity summer days. Good thing there’s a second are vital to winning the war on terror, amendment, Aries, otherwise you Leo, just as you were arguing on the couldn’t own the gun you need to phone last night. The NSA offi cial Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19) protect yourself from all the maniacs out listening to your call agreed with you Capricorn, the real reason you want there wielding... guns. You’re indirectly unreservedly. to beat up Jude Law is that he gives responsible for 32,000 deaths a year, you a boner. Be honest with yourself, Aries. Capricorn. Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22) Just to clear things up, Virgo: George Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20) Orwell wrote Animal Farm and 1984. Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18) It’s a shame you suffer from crippling Orson Welles made Citizen Kane and Aquarius, you will meet a beautiful feelings of sexual inadequacy, Taurus, did the famous panic-inducing radio woman at a bar. Later, you will give but it’s hard to see how that’s Hillary version of War of the Worlds, which your wife herpes. Don’t fi ght the Clinton’s fault. was written by H.G. Wells. None of custody settlement, Aquarius. these three are the same person. In

The BEAST ~ March, 2008 ~ ISSUE # 124 ~ buffalobeast.com 39