The BEAST Abridged GUIDE to HERSTORY Because It’S March and We Care, and Stu
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Separated at junk? Amy Winehouse, Evil Publisher deathly fl oozie... Paul Fallon ([email protected]) Evil Editor in Chief Allan Uthman ([email protected]) Evil Editor/Art Director Ian Murphy ([email protected]) Evil Associate Editor Paul Jones ...and Keith Richards, Evil Movie Guy invincible bluesy? Michael Gildea ([email protected]) Evil Contributors Matt Taibbi, Stan Goff, Steve Gor- don, Tina Dupuy, Mark Dudlik Evil Comics Matt Bors, Stephen Notley, Nicholas Gurewitch, Brian McFadden Defi nitely Not An Intern Andrew Blake FOR ADVERTISING RATES & INFO CALL PAUL (716) 830-2931 WARNING: This publication contains profanity and unpopular opinions, and may inform you. Uptight ninnies and libel lawyers are advised to put it down and back away slowly. 712 Main St. Buffalo, NY 14202 Phone: (716) 856-4355 Fax: (716) 362-0619 Letters to the Editors should be addressed to: [email protected] 2 The BEAST ~ March, 2008 ~ ISSUE # 124 ~ buffalobeast.com A Brief Message From the Girls of Africa: Greetings, American sisters, from the African continent! It is our distinguished honor to introduce this special “Women’s History Month” edition of The BEAST. We extend our hands to you in solidarity, as the united sisterhood of the world, in recognition of all that you have accomplished. You are a beacon of hope to women everywhere! In fact, we have a very specifi c hope—a yearning, really, with which only you as women could empathize, and that it is our sincerest wish you would satisfy: please send us your clitorises. It is our understanding—and please, forgive our provincial frankness—that you have very little use for the clitoris in your country. We have heard that most American women are so insolent, physically repugnant and emotionally unstable that very few men fi nd you sexually desirable. Indeed many of them come here to have sex with us, and we often hear stories afterwards about their wives and girlfriends. They say to even consider the act with you it is necessary to indulge in quantities of intoxicants so great as to render them physically incapacitated. We don’t have any such problems attracting men. Between the incessant warring and various campaigns of genocide, as well as the aforementioned sex tourism, there is no shortage of fornication here! But without a clitoris, it is joyless. We’d like to come just once before we’re tortured or killed. That could be any minute. So, please, mail us your clitorises today. And have a fruitful “Women’s History Month”. 4 Telecom Immunodeficiency Syndrome 28 Matt Taibbi’s Sports Blotter 7 Clinton v. Cobra 30 Kino Korner... Movie Trailer Reviews 8 BEAST Guide to HERstory 34 [SIC]... We Ridicule Your Letters 11 How to Snag a Man! 39 BEAST-O-SCOPES 12 An Encounter with Chris Matthews THIS ISSUE’S DEAD LEDGER 14 Recession Recipes 16 BEAST Guide to Bulimia 18 Youth Voters are slackers 20 The 1st 100 days: A Photo Essay 22 Ledger, Lohan, & Leeches 24 “Remember kids: Don’t do more HGH: Is it right for you? than fi ve drugs at the same time.” The BEAST ~ March, 2008 ~ ISSUE # 124 ~ buffalobeast.com 3 Immune to Reality Why is telecom immunity so important to Bush? By Allan Uthman cliché if ever there was one. congress’s constitutional oversight The second issue, which the indignant powers. Of course, it’s only natural that omething astonishing happened Republicans preferred to discuss, for the Republicans would shudder at the the other day in the House: The obvious reasons, was the House Democrats’ prospect of effective investigations being Democratic leadership found refusal to cave on retroactive immunity for conducted in the House. If the Democrats S some courage. After over a year telecom companies, like AT&T and Sprint, actually start following through on the of demoralizing, often inexplicable for collaborating with the White House in legal options to compel testimony, it’s capitulation, they actually gathered the spying on domestic internet and phone only a matter of time before everyone’s fortitude to push back slightly against communications, which, to be clear, was implicated. But telecom immunity? Republicans on so-called national security tremendously illegal. issues. The Republicans’ response was Republicans are, of course, fundamentally swift: They took their ball and went home, What’s less encouraging, but interesting, pro-corporate, even moreso than modern after a brief stop at a prearranged press is that the Democrats were ready to sign Democrats. But to go to bat this hard on conference on the Capitol steps. off on extending the repugnantly named behalf of an industry seems anomalous Protect America Act, except for telecom even for them. All a congressman usually Two issues caused the dispute: One, in a immunity. To Bush, this made the bill dead has to do for his biennial bribe is vote stunning display of rudimentary oversight, on arrival. That’s right; Bush promised to in a corporation’s interests, not engage the House issued contempt citations veto the bill if it reached his desk without a in tantrum theatrics. There’s more than for two former Bush staffers, Harriet get out of jail free card for Comcast. pedestrian corruption at work here. Meiers and Josh Bolten, who’ve been ducking House subpoenas for months It’s hard to line that up with the apocalyptic Of course, there is the terror issue, and in now. This was predictably dismissed by tenor of Bush’s exhortations regarding the a most perilous election year, Republicans weepy Minority Whip John Boehner as a bill. If the warrantless domestic spying would like nothing more than to be able to “partisan fi shing expedition,” a boilerplate provisions of the Act were not renewed, run on the “Dems are sissies” platform. If Bush warned, Osama they can keep people frightened and badly bin Laden would misinformed, they may manage to make rain fi re upon us all. telecom amnesty into a winning issue for But he was planning them come November. to veto them if they came to him without But to do that, they have to lie. A lot. They immunity. Naturally, have to feign outrage, and actual concern this makes no fucking for the wellbeing of their fellow Americans. sense. Either Bush is They’re doing their level best. To hear willing to risk another Republicans tell it, requiring a rubber- 9/11 to embarrass the stamp warrant, after the fact, to spy on Democrats, or he’s lying Americans is like mailing plutonium to when it comes to the Iran. Bush’s spiel was grade A horseshit (like the fourth threat posed by having from start to fi nish: amendment). to get a FISA warrant— retroactively, after “Because Congress failed to act, it will be the fact—for domestic harder for our government to keep you surveillance. I think safe from terrorist attack. At midnight, he’s lying, but I suppose the Attorney General and the Director of it could be both. National Intelligence will be stripped of their power to authorize new surveillance It’s interesting that against terrorist threats abroad. This these issues are what it means that as terrorists change their takes to really outrage tactics to avoid our surveillance, we may Republicans—threaten not have the tools we need to continue huge corporate giants tracking them—and we may lose a vital with lawsuits, or exercise lead that could prevent an attack on 4 The BEAST ~ March, 2008 ~ ISSUE # 124 ~ buffalobeast.com America.... Instead, the House held What the hell is going on here? When you not to give the administration the benefi t partisan votes that do nothing to keep compare the truths of this dispute with of the doubt.” our country safer. House leaders chose the rhetoric from the White House and politics over protecting the country—and its mouthpieces, there’s really no other The benefi t of the doubt? A judgment call? our country is at greater risk as a result.” conclusion than that this country has Sorry Bill, but fuck you. Your judgment’s gone fucking bonkers. Reality and public been shit; your President’s judgment’s Then sign the bill without the telecom perception don’t even share a zip code been shit, and both of you are documented amnesty provision, and work on that part anymore. After years of constant, obvious liars. So forgive the hell out of the rest of us later. If it’s nearly as vital as Bush says, lies, their ridiculousness compounded by if there’s no doubt to benefi t from when it he’s providing aid and comfort to the countless revelations of their falsehood, comes to whether the president is a fucking enemy by not compromising, right? Bush is still sticking with the same fraud. The entire administration is a despicable, transparently manipulative fraud. Every department is a fraud, staffed “If the Protect America Act is allowed to bogeyman bullshit he started with. And by fraudulent people, hostile to its stated expire, Americans will be at risk,” echoed like-minded jackasses in the media, like mission and intent or it’s nullifi cation, by Boehner, despite having just voted against Bill Kristol on Fox News Sunday, still have death or paralysis. There may never be a three-week extension on the bill, like all the inconceivable gall to say things like, proof, especially if Bush gets his way, but his fellow Republicans in the House. “I think it’s kind of unbelievable, frankly, what thinking person can muster much that—it’s a judgment call, we don’t know— doubt that the administration is listening not just for terrorist chatter, but to anyone they want—political enemies, reporters, chicks they’re into—whoever.