Long River Review

lrr 2018 21st Edition

A Collaborative Project

Creative Writing Program Design Center Studio Counterproof Press

University of Connecticut

Founded in 1998, Long River Review is an annual literary journal of art and literature staffed by undergraduates at the University of Connecticut. With a regular staff turnover, we gain fresh perspectives each year. We think it’s better this way. Here at Long River Review, we want to publish all kinds of voices: voices from the mouth of the river and beyond, voices drowned out by other voices, voices that might not have otherwise been heard. At Long River, we want to create a space where new and established artists can mingle and share a glass of water or wine (or whiskey). We believe that the unpublished artist deserves as much time and consideration as the artist with a foothold. For here at Long River, we believe that we are standing, all souls bent over, harvesting the words and images on the current, all knee to neck deep in the same, long river.

NICHOLAS DiBENEDETTO Acknowledgments Masthead

For their generous support of student writing and art at UConn, we EDITOR-IN-CHIEF POETRY PANEL thank the Collins, Hackman, and Gill families. We also thank Brenda Rebecca Hill Sammi Bassman Brueggemann, Aetna Chair in Writing, and The Hartford. Siobhan Dale For judging the creative writing contests, we thank the members of CO-MANAGING EDITORS Daniela Doncel the prize committees: Gina Barreca, Pamela Brown, Brenda Brueggemann, Austin Hill Lili Fishman Mary Burke, Kate Capshaw, Kerry Carnahan, Morgne Cramer, Darcie Parker Gregory Shpak Kelly Stoldt Dennigan, Thomas Dulack, Sean Frederick Forbes, Victoria Ford-Smith, Raeann Veronesi DESIGNERS Serkan Görkemli, Ellen Litman, Gregory Pierrot, Fred Roden, Tom Shea, Natalie Baker and Davyne Verstandig. FICTION EDITOR Kimberly Catubig Brianna McNish Special thanks to our outside Collins judge, visiting author Tara Betts. Olivia Crosby Alexander Makarainen FICTION PANEL Alec Marcus Christian J. Buckley Our gratitude also to Ashley Perry Rachel Conte Addison Silva Max Gasner Andrew Katz ONLINE EDITOR Bailey Korynn Shea Creative Writing Program Director The Aetna Chair in Writing, Kelly Stoldt Lilia Shen Sean Frederick Forbes and Associate Professor Brenda Brueggemann Director Ellen Litman BLOG EDITOR CREATIVE NONFICTION EDITOR Lori Corsini-Nelson, Claire Reynolds, Bailey Korynn Shea Jacob Sidney Santo Frank Gifford and the UConn Inda Watrous, and Melanie Hepburn Foundation INTERVIEW EDITOR CREATIVE NONFICTION PANEL Interim Dean Davita Silfen Glasberg, Elizabeth Sankey Austin Hill Edvin Yegir and Design Center and the College of Liberal Arts and Rebecca Hill SOCIAL MEDIA COORDINATOR Studio at UConn Sciences Elizabeth Sankey Andrew Katz Parker Gregory Shpak Robert Smith and the UConn English Department Chair ART LIAISON Bookstore staff Robert Hasenfratz Max Gasner TRANSLATIONS EDITOR Jack Sullivan Jason Courtmanche and the All the UConn students who kindly COPYEDITING COORDINATOR Connecticut Writing Project submitted their work for our Christian J. Buckley FACULTY ADVISOR consideration Sean Frederick Forbes POETRY EDITOR Amanda McCarthy Contest Winners Gloriana Gill Art Award All contests are judged anonymously by committees of faculty and outside authors. Special thanks to all who submitted, and congratulations to this year’s winners.

THE WALLACE STEVENS THE AETNA CREATIVE Given in memory of Gloriana Gill for photography POETRY PRIZE NONFICTION AWARD (preference given to black and white) and painting, drawing, Given by The Hartford, for the Given by the Aetna Chair in or cartooning. Gloriana Gill’s life was one of toil (she was best group of poems by a Writing to support excellence in a dairy farmer’s wife in Pomfret, ct) and tragedy (she lost graduate or undergraduate. creative nonfiction one son to a hunting accident and another in a car crash). Erin Lynn, 1st Place Kaylee Thurlow, 1st Prize She found a way to deal with her difficulties through art Matthew Ryan Shelton, 2nd Place (undergraduate) and humor: she adorned her walls, windows, and even Ricardo Alvelo, 3rd Place Brian Sneeden, 1st Prize (graduate) the interior of their barn with paintings, cartoons, and stencils. She painted portraits of local farms, drew cartoons THE AETNA TRANSLATION AWARD THE JENNIE HACKMAN for a Putnam newspaper, and when their dairy herd was Robyn Lerebours MEMORIAL AWARD FOR sold off, worked as an illustrator and graphic designer SHORT FICTION THE AETNA CHILDREN'S making educational films. From a gnarled piece of wood Awarded in memory of LITERATURE AWARD transformed into an elf, to scraps of cloth made into comical Jacob and Jennie Hackman Kristina Reardon dwarf-sized figures, she could make almost anything into for the best work of short fiction art or amusement. The Gloriana Gill Awards are intended to by an undergraduate. THE LONG RIVER GRADUATE encourage the students of UConn similarly to discover the Lucie Turkel, 1st Place WRITING AWARD importance of art and humor in life. Rebecca Hill, 2nd Place For the best piece of writing in Benjamin Eng, 3rd Place any genre by a graduate student Kristina Reardon ELIZABETH ELLENWOOD, Photography CECILIA ESTANISLAO, Drawing THE EDWARD R. AND FRANCES SCHREIBER THE LONG RIVER ART AWARD COLLINS LITERARY PRIZE Kelsey Miller Given by David and Emily Collins for the best poem and best prose work by an undergraduate. Jasmine Smith, Prose Amanda McCarthy, Poetry Contents *Denotes Prize-Winner

11 Letter from the Editor CREATIVE NONFICTION Rebecca Hill 42 Spinning Mind but with a 55 Ber er hver að baki nema POETRY Small Body (Excerpt) sér bróður eigi. (Bare is the Kaylee Thurlow* back of a brotherless man.) 1 2 Virginia 18 In Patches (Excerpt) 46 8934 Christopher Gardner Christine Byrne Ben Schultz Kathryn Warrender 13 Art After Gunshot 21 Tío Tomas 58 My Inadvertent Death 49 Take it Easy, Buddy (Excerpt) Mollie Kervick Ricardo Alvelo* Gabrielle Julia Bachoo Jim McGaughey 14 The Anchoress 22 Noh, I am not a cemetery 52 Notes on Violet Erin Lynn* Leila Agoora Brianna McNish 15 Evolutions 23 omakase Amanda McCarthy* Lili Fishman TRANSLATIONS 16 The Crabapple Tree in My Yard 24 Things You Find on the Ground McCarthy MacDaniel Melissa Karpuszka 64 Don't Give Up 68 The Waterwheel Esther J. Santiago Rodríguez Robyn Lerebours* 17 Conception 25 Hibakujumuko, Or Hibaku Matthew Ryan Shelton* Grandmothers FICTION C. Patrice Ares-Christian 74 Watering Flowers (Excerpt) 84 When Frank Sinatra INTERVIEW Rebecca Hill* Came to Town (Excerpt) Kristina Reardon* 77 The Nobodies' Federation 30 An Interview with (Excerpt) 87 Riverbank (Excerpt) Vijay Seshadri (Excerpt) Christian J. Buckley Sarah Pascarella Elizabeth Sankey 80 Canaan (Excerpt) 91 Fourth of July (Excerpt) Jasmine Smith* Lucie Turkel* 82 Our Modern Love (Excerpt) 93 Summer's End (Excerpt) Liam Thomas Benjamin Eng* 95 Nina's Wall (Excerpt) Kristina Reardon Contents Letter from the Editor *Denotes Prize-Winner

REBECCA HILL

ARTWORK Raise your glasses, because Long River Review is 21 years old! After two long decades, this creative child turned angsty adolescent can finally drink, and 26 The tormsS Will Intensify* 62 the one in which I learn with its newfound legality, is facing new adult challenges. Kelsey Miller to say goodbye Last year, we opened ourselves for the first time to what years of past Kaleigh Rusgrove 70 Ocean Sunfish editors-in-chief had written and dreamt about: we went national, accepting Javanica Dai 73 Fluid submissions from anyone and everyone regardless of UConn affiliation. We Barbara Clayton received submissions from places as close as Mansfield, Connecticut and as 38 Head in the Clouds far as India. As the first group of editors who entered knowing we would Michaela Abate 63 Saguaro publish nationally, we found ourselves faced with the same questions that Kaceylee Klein 99 Mushroom Mystery are being asked in literary spaces across the country: How much does who 28 October Bridge 60 Souls we publish matter? What do the subjects and styles we publish say about Colin DeLeo Madeleine Bugbee what we think important literature is? These questions aren’t easy to answer, and what we’ve determined to 98 Man on Metro North* 29 28 Cake publish, after reading hundreds of submissions, has come out of a process Cecilia Estanislao Claire Stankus of collaboration. It did not take us long to realize that we didn’t all like the 96 Neon Children 72 The House on the Corner same works! Pieces that inspired love from some panelists garnered hate Matthew Morpheus Deanna LaVoie from others. But what we came to determine is that it is far better to publish 41 On Thin Ice 71 The Meeting something that elicits a reaction rather than indifference. Taylor Giorgetti Kate Luongo Publishing an edition of Long River Review, I’ve learned in my time here, is like lassoing a multi-headed beast. It can’t be done alone, nor can 97 Peek’A’Boo 40 Undressing each person keep an eye on every head at the same time. The challenge 39 Bumble Bee on a Flower Zo Wallick is in trusting that for the heads you don’t have eyes on, someone else is Jonathan Bartley 61 Defense Mechanism 4* watching. Working on this staff has been a process of communication and 27 Defense Mechanism 3 shared vision. When I think back on my time with Long River, I remember Elizabeth Ellenwood the words panelists used to describe our intent at the start of the course — “boldly human” being among my favorite — and I remember the experience, close to the end, of listening to a genre editor describe what she loved about a piece her panel had chosen for publication. Although, she couldn’t quite convey it to me in words, something in the language and style of this piece spoke powerfully to her. The pieces we’ve published here are the ones that made us feel something. If, as our mission statement says, “we believe that we are [all] standing… in the same long river," then the works we’ve chosen are the ones that, when we found them in the water, we saw something of ourselves reflecting back. These works we chose thoughtfully, imperfectly, but never indifferently. Whether you see something of yourself mirrored in their language is now out of our hands. But we give to you readers, the best we’ve found. Why you waded incurrents, CHRISTOPHER GARDNER Pockets filled with stones. I understand now Virginia At three inthe morning the streets were empty, of hands holding halves of seedless, red hearts. on the street, and another to see himmade one thing to see halfaman’s head spilled on the wall; Iwas limited to only red except my bare hands and aladder to reach except for amutt and some beggars. I gave like translucent shadows on the cracks keep popping uparound town, these murals Bu into arton your neighbor’s wall. I make with blood. What would It’ It w I kne in your side. I got out of bed, pulled on pants and my coat Last night the wind woke me, squeaking in mortar and red brick. from my pocket. That’s when I found you, the town say if they knew? Because it’s that became anopen hand holding halfof the top of the building. Ismeared your insides, the mural with your blood. Ididn’t use any tools there on the sidewalk, afresh oval wound through cracks inmy windows. So and there isno shortage of bodies. So they’ll an empty heart. and my fingers. But I started with aline an old manunder afire escape an old dollar and went for awalk. s my best kept secret, these paintings t the wind keeps blowing me out of bed as hard to decide what to paint w Ionly had afew hours to paint Art After Gunshot MOLLIE KERVICK

LONG RIVER REVIEW VOLUME 21 13 They examined my body for its new unnature Th There timewas a I was tethered to nothing. Tha would always be sated by the ocean Iwas. washed cold by the brine of my eyes, my pores. M I heard that one who would not own her sin H longing on the trundle bed, spread on linen. I kn Balsam n My mind had run ahead of my body, leaving it that the creatures sucking my breasts by night taste on the wind, but my tongue ebbed should dry into snake-skin, bound and thinning. and shut me inahut of moss sweet stone. against the wall of my teeth, rinsed of word. a midsummer’s evening inthick hot weather ow many had slipped because of my sorrow? y soul was agull on adifferent mission. ere was nothing left to tell my confessor. t was before the weeping came: ew Icaused the rain that wouldn’t cease eedle and Atlantic Icaught salt, WALLACE STEVENS POETRY PRIZE, FIRST PLACE After the Visions of Margery Kempe of Margery Visions the After The Anchoress The ERIN LYNN w who gives commands, peels the paint, who dons the inkblot mask, becomes the judgment. fingernails under layers like ripping firebombs baptizing ea dies. quits, never hesitates, never l i watched the paint peel today, dug I purge this house of impurities just asthe germans for the hand of god, falling to hisknees and groveling the wings off butterflies takes to the skies, p smoky pistils, hit the ground, s a hero never retires, never ondon for the forty-secondtime, and so kips the line. it isI urged the great wen. it isI hile putrid sunflowers erupted into ch fluttered to the ground, like aman COLLINS LITERARY PRIZE, POETRY WINNER AMANDA M Evolutions c CARTHY

LONG RIVER REVIEW VOLUME 21 15 A broken tree, grown from the body of abird; split open and dissected. A Th Though I fight with boyfriends. Westir and stab andstir Dad threw one against the wall; Ifeared himthough what he Of t Childhood isatree left in peels & pieces on the grassy floor. Cemented each time my mom threatened to take flight. One another, going to Walmart to get anew phone when my No one wants to eat, but the view isfreedom, from the top of Kissing my friend’s boyfriend. Iamsorry for the apples For Christ’s sake, so many conversational ticks from my parents I buried the bird Inamed to know what Iwas mourning. Jesus Lightning’s damage eat inside and allthe way out. In my childlike fear of being fine, unable to feel It split inhalf, the one Ialways wasn’t climbing. It struck Feared from the limb he stood out on was not being enough, Until it hardens like cement holding tighter; the painwe cause Spilled out with the sound of music or sound of Mom photos from Easter morning: faces smile, stood on the place rguing with Dad from when divorce was what Ifeared. e time Ilooked inthe mirror and clipped bangs, Iknow it was regret; hem are the apples too bitter, fallen ina wreath, The Crabapple Tree in My Parent’s Yard M c CARTHY M ac DANIEL of Culture and Tourism. Here and there in time it becomes less indefinite. I’m thinking of the goddess figurine I’m sitting under in the afternoon. It dates to almost seven thousand years in central Anatolia, acurved I’m reading inthe paper they’ve unearthed to almost anything. And bit by bit since something like astone’s analogous since everything issomething else with us, small bees are circling the cedar tree ago, according to the Ministry simulacrum inmarmoreal stone. a Neolithic goddess figurine WALLACE STEVENS POETRY PRIZE, SECOND PLACE MATTHEW RYAN SHELTON Conception

LONG RIVER REVIEW VOLUME 21 17 Y The trick to strengthening & missed alot, & defying you who loved you most with one eye with afather who watching my brothers young, under proper with you in the kitchen of the time dreamed hard greatnesses inhumble experiencing myself on astreet of white houses morphine insugar & loneliness, I was born Now Itryto is sugar &time making things & in awhite house I w for the rest of my life. fried chickpeas that I’d decay sweetly the muscles of the eye turned to see the other, adventures, Igrew up supervision. Igrew uplearning so you patched it. scabbed up screaming, Igrew up by measurements &lying, best starting ou told me there’s as raised CHRISTINE BYRNE In Patches Th & lonely & & morphine your little crescent witnessing would later with people who mean it watching golfers with straight eyes filter your memory. coming from the garage. eating on the tile floor dictate seconds of my life, everytime, train his footsteps with mostly fumbling My life hasbeen mimic fog I’ve learned most of my life It’s true I’ve spent my muscles to the crank radio the way sounds to surround myself then rolling down hills, the back of Volvo windows, saying sugar after Christmas artificial mooncakes something on the stove staring out solder uppatches birthmark, you e time Ispent

LONG RIVER REVIEW VOLUME 21 19 All m & although Idon’t you’re still weakened by when you’re thinking why you’re peppered we’re supposed to eventually of tailor fit jeans of hisfather dying, or else direction —the purpose love you anymore, how ahalfripped pair I break moments into next to you, haven’t earned I know I know things about ourselves It’s true Imet you I haven’t discovered for myself yet that ismine the way you look seasoned by madness, yes against your own thoughts so became mine, &everything used to be yours before Irealized be decided for, well y life, I’ve lived Abuelo played the cautro, everyone You yawned and took another business call The dominos he mixed by hand The coquis haven’t stopped coquiing The Santa Maria sits in my stomach Don’t eat where you shit Cover coquito cuticles Co Capi Ku Pernil skin crackles, Knowingly From this rich port Ever since H Imp He suggests S Salsaed wine isfor me not him e chooses to forget about what Columbus stole lumbus never left ossible on Mi Isla WALLACE STEVENS POETRY PRIZE, THIRD PLACE RICARDO ALVELO Tío Tomas

LONG RIVER REVIEW VOLUME 21 21 The cemetery path is trailed by engraved stones. engraved by trailed is path cemetery The In childhood the snow melted into yellow grass. yellow into melted snow the In childhood She didn't know how to tell me it was january it was me totell didn't how She know where beams of light recede suddenly at dusk at recede suddenly light of where beams Noh, Iamnot acemetery She was accustomed to the ghouls next door next ghouls tothe accustomed was She In infancy the cemetery was white and arid white and was cemetery the In infancy Who lay idle in clean, white hospital beds white hospital in clean, idle lay Who I catch her behind the most animated tree animated most the behind her I catch I told the nurse I was catching butterflies catching Iwas nurse the I told And slowly creep back through the trees the through back creep slowly And the trees are budding cherry blossoms cherry are budding trees the I was inching, then hurtling forward hurtling then inching, I was At its climax lies a fruitful plateau, afruitful lies climax its At And gave birth to a no name girl. name toano birth gave And The japanese held wordless plays wordless held japanese The The fabric of the sky is crimson. is sky of the The fabric And the dead came back tolife, back came dead the And But in reality we go backwards. in realitybackwards. go But we Where geishas spoke in colors spoke geishas Where In between a seed was planted was aseed In between Numbing the sting of the frost the of sting the Numbing I kept my hands near her face her near hands my I kept she’s my age, the grass is jade is she’s grass the age, my And woke up towhite up walls. woke And In real life webackwards go I was her patient of the day the of patient her I was And snuffed out in the dirt. out in the snuffed And I created a Noh of my own own my aNoh of I created Possessed by abstractions. Possessed by We sweaters in light play that fall laps bare in our that Since the 14 the Since I fell asleep in soft soil I fell asleep From rape todeath The sun sets amber sun sets The Careless toviolent Careless Tender tocareless LELIA AGOORA Death tolifeDeath life tocolor th century vi char the red right out. trap either way. either n o grill and decide. d it sizzle. raw and ripe, it h the t tender to tough and the juices inahotpot, throw it on the p slice thinly. she reached out and a quick transformation from sat he broth when done. ow should we cook it? o matter. we need to cut it up n the counter. lace it inapanand hear rink visect the veins n and ventricles, pulsing

and v po ked. alves. LILI FISHMAN omakase

LONG RIVER REVIEW VOLUME 21 23 A At times objects slip from hands and bags Keep Safe infading yellow chalk. where people roam to remind them she exists, with branches interlocking like aweb. flying to land on the solid pavement. crushed into uselessness by the pressure of shoes. eggshells and inside-out umbrellas, But fate doesn’t always listen; it smashes messages, asthe sidewalk that bears the words N the manon the bike into the car, they stay abandoned there on the ground, purple cans and sleeves of round crackers shattering the windshield and sending him and whether from lack of caring or noticing a red leaf still half-green, the shadow of atree bright pink flower petals, drops of dew, nd sometimes the world tries to send us ature places calling cards scattered Things You Find on the Ground WALLACE STEVENS POETRY PRIZE, FIRST PLACE MELISSA KARPUSZKA The hibakugrandmother trees returned to us. wept Did you know some trees survived casting off the dead things gathered into themselves. If you are quiet, they will tell you regrowing the missing things. more than one hundred grandmothers slept Retreating into roots, into Gaia, Limbs disintegrated, tree-bodies unwhole. More than one hundred grandmothers Hibaku trees, bombed, survived trees. Some growing around what they had lost Slowly, grandmothers emerged, hibaku, the absences caused by man’s inhumanity to ash and shadow and wail. the atomic bombs inHiroshima? and their own survival songs. saw day turn to white, to black, unable to not hear screams and silences, Hibakujumuko, or Hibaku Grandmothers keeping their scars to mourn, to love. .PATRICE ARES-CHRISTIAN C.

LONG RIVER REVIEW VOLUME 21 25 THE LONG RIVER ART AWARD

Defense Mechanism 3 Silver Gelatin Print

ELIZABETH ELLENWOOD

The Storms Will Intensify Lithograph

KELSEY MILLER October Bridge Digital Photograph

COLIN DeLEO

28 Cake Oil on Panel

CLAIRE STANKUS 3 Sections3 20 years old, Seshadri found himself venturing across the United States to to States United the across venturing himself found Seshadri old, years 20 Vijay Seshadri is a Pulitzer Prize-winning poet, essayist, literary critic, and and critic, literary essayist, poet, Prize-winning Pulitzer a is Seshadri Vijay The New Yorker New The Kingdom five years old to Columbus, Ohio. After graduating from Oberlin College at College Oberlin from graduating After Ohio. Columbus, to old years five off of this, I’m curious if, through any of your poems, through any of your your of any through poems, your of any through if, curious I’m this, of off of the Spirit in the reality of the world. These are things I play around with with around play I things are These world. the of reality the in Spirit the of me for days these recognition real The experience. spiritual but experience, discovery, and this discovery can help us come to great conclusions. Going Going conclusions. great to come us help can discovery this and discovery, he finds a place tostand. In terms of not only moral experienceand material he received the Pulitzer Prize. He has received grants from the New York New the from grants received has He Prize. Pulitzer the received he writing on focusing began and withdrew but Literature and Eastern Middle in Languages Masters a pursue to York New to moved eventually He is not derived from transcendence, in the Whitmanesque or the Emersonian that not It’s you. around creatures are real is that thing only the that notion book, last my in poem a long There’s achieved. is balance a poetry, in reality knowledge of mythical, ancient, and Middle Eastern texts. He kindly agreed John the and Arts, for the Endowment National the Arts, for Foundation the in the writing program. He is the author of three poetry collections collections poetry three of author the is He program. writing the in VIJAYSESHADRI: Something that was within your writing that you hadn’t thought of before? you thought hadn’t that your writing within was that Something Simon Guggenheim Memorial Foundation. His writing has been described described been has writing His Foundation. Memorial Guggenheim Simon the West Coast, where he worked in both the fishing and logging industries. industries. logging and fishing the both workedin he where Coast, West the the speaker of the poem never knew before but that, somehow, he touches touches hesomehow, that, but before knew never poem the of speaker the to be interviewed by me via video call. video by me via interviewed be to poetry. Seshadri has worked as an editor, essayist, and book reviewer at at reviewer book and essayist, editor, an as worked has Seshadri poetry. processes of discovery, you came to some sort of truth on your own? own? your on truth of sort some to came you discovery, of processes professor. Sheshadri's family emigrated from Bangalore, India when he was was he when India Bangalore, from emigrated family Sheshadri's professor. sense, but immanence. What the Christians call the immanence, the the presence immanence, call butsense, the What Christians immanence. and mind, in vividly realization that with poem the in bottom existential an at a simplestraightforward and then it and arrives experience, and about life as transcendentalist, witty, and intimate while also including his love and and love his including also while intimate and witty, transcendentalist, as LZBT SANKEY: ELIZABETH (1996), (1996), , called “Personal Essay.” It goes through many stages of confusion confusion of stages many through goes ItEssay.” “Personal called , An Interview with Vijay Seshadri , and as a graduate professor at Sarah Lawrence College College Lawrence Sarah at professor graduate a as and , It’s hard to say. 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LONG RIVER REVIEW VOLUME 21 31 “the details of the world are sufficient in and of themselves,” which is one of one is which themselves,” of and in sufficient are world the of details “the The thing about the mysticism you were talking about about talking were you mysticism the about thing The will on the world in one way, shape, or form. Get money, get status, or get get or whatever it theis you isreverse. just feel art of status, you the activity need, whereas, get money, Get form. or shape, way, one in worldyour the Impose on does. will activity human worldly what is which it… on will your impose to trying than rather in, working are you medium whatever world, with those thoughts, maybe. I was curious if there’s a certain part of the the of part certain a there’s if curious was I maybe. thoughts, those with establishes a cosmic frame for the poem. You’re looking at the whole span of of wholespan You’re the at poem. forthe looking frame cosmic a establishes everything they’re surrounded by. Going off of this, I think you can resonate resonate can you think I by. this, off of Going surrounded they’re everything human time. Thathuman seemed to be theground on whichthe poem towanted live before,” centuries or “yesterday then, before,’”and centuries or ‘yesterday like or unfolding, poem the see suddenly Youcan vista. a to ideas, other to lead and working was it that feel could I And worked. there and then right her have been a very important aspect of the world of the for you? aspect important avery have been human being has this enormous gift to be able to actually understand the the understand actually to able be to gift enormous this has being human My childhood had not been a happy childhood, as many people’s childhoods people’s childhoods many as childhood, happy a notbeen had Mychildhood industry: I worked on salmon boats, I worked on crab boats, I ran a little fish fish little a ran I boats, workedI crab on boats, workedI salmon on industry: it loved I there, it loved I belong.” I place the is This god. my “Oh thought, I mid-twenties. This was in the late 1970 late the in was This mid-twenties. and early my in coast, Oregon central the on up wound I until world the in It’s somehow letting the is. worldit be what It’s somehow letting deepest The it. follow you and going, it’s where go poem the You let life. its my favorite things that you’ve said, because I completely agree with that. The that. with I completely you’ve agree that because said, my things favorite reasons I reasons was there was to in of be that period nature, a and experience writer it.” had to leave; I eventually I couldn’tOne live mytheof a fisherman. lifeas “Wow, myself, to I would say Oregon in when I remember I was and isolated, VJ: VJ: from, which is subtropical, back a thousand years, I never really felt at home at felt really never I years, thousand a back subtropical, is which from, came I India of part the and ancestry my trace can I forbeauty.though Even think I’d ever really experienced happiness until then, certainly as an adult. adult. an as certainly then, until happiness experienced really ever I’d think the repetition of the simile structure there. “On a day like any other day, / / day, other any like day a “On there. structure simile the of needed repetition I the that. did certainly line That writing. you’re that prose of piece the experience this you’rewriting When poem. the up opening was it that Quoting fortuitousness. happy a was it case, that In arise. will poems those though, was melting around me. around I melting back to was came though, New York, I went to graduate the counterculture in America that came out of the 60 the of out came that America in counterculture the get finally I understand. finally I happy! being by mean people what is this physical world in particular, or a place, or something in your life that may may that life your in something or place, a or particular, in world physical are not are so much. I was a commercial fisherman. I did various things in the fishing fishing the in things various did I fisherman. commercial a was I much. so act of any artist, I think, consists just in that: tothe in that: just ability letthe consists world I be the think, ofact any artist, school, and I had a career. But yes, that was a physical place, a physical love. physical a place, physical a was that yes, But career. a had I and school, barge during the silver salmon season in Yaquina Bay, in Newport. I don’t I Newport. in Bay, Yaquina in season salmon silver the during barge beauty of the world and not only coexist within it but be able to appreciate appreciate to able be but it within coexist only not and world the of beauty ES: ES: I always loved just the experience of perception. I was always a sucker sucker a always was I perception. of experience the just loved always I Absolutely. That brings me back to something else that you’ve said, that that said, you’ve that else something to back me brings That Absolutely. I’m not saying I’m exceptional in that way. My childhood was very very was way. childhood My that in exceptional I’m saying not — I’m a small idea can have a large resonance in your mind and and mind your in resonance large a have can idea small a — s , from 1977 to ’82. I got there, and and there, got I ’82. to 1977 from , s . That counterculture, counterculture, That . — — it is the love and I’m sure you have have you sure I’m you find an affinity towards the art before you began writing? began art before you the towards affinity an you find was nineteen, it had happened. So, those three years were pretty significant. were pretty years three So, those happened. it had nineteen, was communism or to whatever, to asking this woman to marry me. marry to woman this orwhatever, to asking to communism with in love fell never I written. being were poems Great it. to charisma on-the-road-to-Damascus moment. This is usually the way it happens to to happens it way the usually is This moment. on-the-road-to-Damascus everything equally. But we’re not that. We’re partial in our love. And, boy, I boy,I And, love. our in We’repartial that. not we’re But equally. everything didn’t didn’t know howbig like to that. Thatanything write wholeand project those later I realized, “Oh, this is it!” It was a long process. Usually it is. Human love love Human is. it Usually process. long a was It it!” is this “Oh, realized, I later lived in the Bay Area for a while. Then I found myself in Oregon. in ThenI formyself found awhile. Area Bay the in lived human is to love one thing more than another, to be partial. The idea of god god of idea The partial. be to another, than more thing one love to is human loved that place! loved that industries? realize, “this train of thought is taking me,” inevitably to Christianity or to to or Christianity to inevitably me,” taking is thought of train “this realize, people suddenly or a becoming communist, a is Christian Becoming that. like much and poetry,” more some read I’ll Maybe bear. the about poem Kinnell took I them, encountered just had I I loved. that poems the written had I social and movement anti-war the with involved intimately was It mark. novel was too ambitious, and my life was too confused and complicated. I complicated. and confused too was life my and ambitious, too was novel nature to give up our autonomy to something else, it really isn’t. It happens happens It isn’t. really it else, something to autonomy our up give to nature in, say, a Christian mystic like Meister Eckhardt, is god that is helpless to love Eckhardt, Meister like mystic in, say, a Christian justice movements in America. That was a revolutionary period. Poetry had had Poetry period. revolutionary a was That America. in movements justice VJ: VJ: VJ: VJ: then I graduated when I was twenty and hitch-hiked to the West Coast and and Coast the West to hitch-hiked and twenty was I when graduated I then tumultuous writing life. I was in the Bay Area, trying to write a novel. The The novel. a write to trying Area, Bay the in was I life. writing tumultuous to the art and then started writing it? Or, was it the opposite, did you just just you did opposite, the it was Or, it? writing started then and art the to people: One thing leads to another and before you know it you’re suddenly suddenly you’re it know you before and another to leads thing One people: possession of them, and they were fantastic. There wasn’t a simple,dramatic, if as was it where point the to poems, individual with love in fell I poetry. point in time point did in time you come it When was to that youpoetry? attracted became absorbed. When I started out I said, “Oh, that’s kind of cool, that Galway Galway that cool, of kind that’s “Oh, said, I out started I When absorbed. strong period of writing for you? of writing period strong start writing one day, and find that you were producing great things, or did did or things, great producing were you that find day,and one writing start appreciation of everything. But we are creatures, right? We’re human. To be We’re human. right? creatures, are we But everything. of appreciation by degrees all the time, and that’s how it happened with me. By the time I I time the By me. with happened it how that’s and time, the all degrees by ES: ES: ES: ES: ES: Yes. If you knew what was going to happen, you’d resist it. It’s not in our our in It’snot it. you’d happen, resist to going was what knew youYes. If I had a kind of tumultuous emotional life, and in my early twenties, a twenties, early my in and life, emotional tumultuous of kind a had I When I was sixteen or so, American poetry was at a great high-water high-water great a at was poetry American so, or sixteen was I When It’s aprogression. While you were working in the fishing and logging industries, was that a that was industries, logging and fishing the in working you were While And during this time, you were working in the fishing and logging No, I was in college then. From sixteen to twenty I was in college, and and college, in was I twenty to sixteen From then. college in was I No, You were just talking a lot about your development as a person. At what what At person. a developmentas your about lot a talking Youjust were

LONG RIVER REVIEW VOLUME 21 33 We didn’t have video games or iPhones in those days; we just had books. books. had just we days; those in iPhones or games video have didn’t We There were only three channels on channels three only were There There, I got back into poetry. I got increasingly gripped by it, this time not by not by time this it, by gripped increasingly got I poetry. into back got I There, was this weird, tiny Indian kid who was wearing glasses very early, racially was a poet. I started to abandon the Bay Area and relocate north to Oregon. Oregon. to north relocate and Area Bay the abandon to started I poet. a was and my college, in was when I poetry I’d written of a failure. were kind years working towards something.” towards working Ohio, where my father taught at Ohio State, I skipped two grades. I exhibited I exhibited grades. Ohio, two whereat I Ohio State, myskipped taught father compared to now. I wound up reading and finding the excitement of life in in life of excitement the finding and reading up wound now.I to compared can ever be, in any sense, widely accessible? Or do you think that there is a a is there that think you do Or accessible? widely sense, any in be, ever can can’t imagine what they’re going to sound like… sound to going they’re what imagine can’t expectations imposed upon me that I couldn’t have met. It wasn’t that my my that wasn’t It met. have couldn’t I that me upon imposed expectations grower, and obviously by the racial stuff stuff racial the by obviously grower,and doomed me to social isolation. I had to struggle with society, and have and society, with struggle to had I isolation. social to me doomed do something with them. with do something ifcl cidod I a atal gig o s yu qeto aot your about question a you ask to going actually was I childhood. difficult isolated, isolated in terms of development, physical, and emotional. That That emotional. and physical, development, of terms in isolated isolated, looking back on the poems I’ve written when I was seventeen and eighteen. I eighteen. and seventeen was I when written I’ve poems the on back looking is interesting, I had some really interesting experiences and ideas. I was was I ideas. and experiences interesting really some had I interesting, is VJ: VJ: VJ: for a long, long time. These things all kind out. of kind workthemselves all things These for a long, long time. the imagination in a way that I didn’t in real life. Later I had plenty of fun, fun, of plenty had I Later life. real in didn’t I that way a in imagination the tends to be outside of the mainstream, and that it can’t be made relatable to to relatable made be can’t it that and mainstream, the of outside be to tends that stuff, which is unpublished, those poems. I was thinking maybe I should thinking Iwas poems. those unpublished, is which stuff, that a recently atall of lot.fiveIn Ithose looking writing fact, just was I was years, that I was in an older cohort. It was compounded by the fact that I was a late late a was I that fact bythe compounded It was older cohort. an in was I that parents beat me parents none or of anything, that. Just and which isolation loneliness, popular culture, which I completely agree with. Do you believe that poetry poetry that believe you Do with. agree completely I which culture, popular it That poetry.” understand really don’t “people that that, just being poetry poems themselves, but by the process of writing my own poems. Through Through poems. own my writing of process the by but themselves, poems I that mind my of back the in always was It well-received. been had poetry after Iafter wentto college. Imade up fortime. Ilost wentthe overboard other way any school I was in until high school, and then we were a small minority. I minority. small a were we then and school, high until in was I school any social group, or outside of the social norm. You’ve also made comments about about comments made You’ve also norm. social the of outside or group, social but parents being scientists, now I’m was in curious, there particular anything a certain intellectual precocity then. I think that was the was thatbig problem,thethen.fact I think precocity intellectual a certain state of being? state was orsimply it difficult, made that your about it your emotionally childhood ultimately had a great effect because I became a reader at a very early age. age. early very a at reader a became I because effect great a had ultimately benefit that it remains outside of the popular culture? popular the of outside remains it that benefit back and say, “Oh, that’s dreck.” But then you get farther along and say, “This say, and “This along farther youget then But dreck.” say, that’s and “Oh, back ES: ES: ES: And you mentioned how you felt like you were outside of this ‘mainstream’ ‘mainstream’ this of outside were you like felt you how mentioned you And emotionally an had you that times, couple a mentioning, been You’ve older, years a few I’m when imagine can’t I cool. really be would That We came to Canada in ’59. Between ’59 and 1961, when we left to come to to come to left we when 1961, and ’59 Between ’59. in Canada to We came You’d be surprised! It would be interesting. You get better and you look look you and better You get interesting. be would It You’dsurprised! be tv , and nobody watched watched nobody and , — I was the only person of color in tv very much it’s just astonishing. Look at how many books are published; well over a a over well published; are books many how at Look astonishing. just it’s — Which is a classic Gertrude Stein paradox, but it’s also true. Those small small Those true. also it’s but paradox, Stein Gertrude classic a is Which was a poet who had a similar profile, Rod McKuen. He wrote books with with books wrote He McKuen. Rod profile, similar a had who poet a was audiences.” small have I “Because said, she And Stein?” Ms. famous, so you you’re referring to when you said that poetry is outside of the mainstream…I mainstream…I ofthe outside is poetry that whenyou to you’re said referring Gertrude Stein buzz. When she was out in California, I think think I California, in out was she When buzz. Stein Gertrude opeey nesad n poal b al t rlt. o d yu feel you do How relate. to able be probably and understand completely of effort to understand or appreciate Robert Frost or William Butler Butler Yeats, William or Frost Robert appreciate or understand to effort of facts the on hundreds of thousands of copies of homiletic poetry, sentimental, simple simple sentimental, poetry, homiletic of copies of thousands of hundreds like Wordsworth was a best seller in 19 in seller best a was Wordsworth like in that way is equally absurd. Gertrude Stein Stein Gertrude absurd. equally is way that in medium of meaning, and that is never going to change. I don’t know what what know don’t I change. to going never is that and meaning, of medium poetry but changes, culture that think I means. any by poet simple a not is mean that the art is dying or diminishing in any way. The idea of being being of idea The way. any in diminishing or dying is art the that mean doesn’t That Beyoncé. of popularity the have to going are poets these noneof VJ: VJ: VJ: VJ: Stevens Stevens a was there her, about talking was everybody and tour, reading a did She from Paris, where she had been living. Maybe the late 20 late the Maybe living. been had she where Paris, from the right people. If a contribution is large enough, it will find a way to be to way a find will it enough, large is contribution a If people. right the titles like Listen to the Warm. His books were everywhere. He was selling selling was He everywhere. were books His Warm. the to Listen like titles tends to endure; it’s one of the oldest arts. Language is the fundamental fundamental the is Language arts. oldest the of one it’s endure; to tends think poetry is a factor in cultural life even when it isn’t recognized or or recognized isn’t it when even life cultural in factor a is poetry think thousand books of poetry are published every year in America. Of course, course, Of America. in year every published are poetry of books thousand philosophers have in America, establish people pretty solidly if they are are they if solidly pretty people establish America, in have philosophers popularity of poetry and whether it’s marginal or not; I don’t quite know. or I not; don’t quite it’smarginal and whether poetry of popularity there age your was I When books. their of copies million two selling are to the amplified world.all poets now,newthese are There who poets young audiences, like the audiences for music, serious or the audiences that serious poetry that made people feel good about themselves. Not exactly Wallace Wallace exactly Not themselves. about good feel people made that poetry published published and they’re just as great as Wallace Stevens. It’s a complicated question, the the question, It’s Stevens. complicated a Wallace as great as just they’re and take a lot Itdoesn’t poet. great and is he a poet Hea difficult is him. with sit about poets like her, how are they affecting the field and the art form? the and the field her, affecting they like how are poets about popular like Beyoncé is sort of absurd. sort Beyoncé is like popular America in poetry write people many how at look mean, I acknowledged. ES: ES: ES: Right, she was the one I was thinking of. thinking one Iwas the she was Right, And the idea that it constitutes success and that people think of success success of think people that and success constitutes it that idea the And Extremely popular, anybody could pick up a Rupi Kaur book and and book Kaur Rupi a up pick could anybody popular, Extremely Absolutely, it can be widely accessible, and it has in many periods. A poet Apoet periods. many in it has and accessible, widely Absolutely, be it can That actually reminds me of Rupi Kaur. Do you know Kaur.Do me of Rupiher? you reminds actually That The celebrity culture of this generation is shocking. generation this of culture celebrity The it takes a lot of effort to understand Wallace Stevens. You have to to have You Stevens. Wallace understand to effort of lot a takes — it The Autobiography of Alice B. Toklas B. Alice of Autobiography The — a newspaper reporter interviewed her, and asked, “Why are th century England. And Wordsworth Wordsworth And England. century I think this was after she after was this think I — came back to America America to back came — s or early 1930 I’m fuzzy fuzzy I’m — s .

LONG RIVER REVIEW VOLUME 21 35 You take, for example, William Carlos Williams’s red-wheelbarrow poem: “so “so poem: red-wheelbarrow Williams’s Carlos William example, for You take, You’re a professor, so I was curious if you believe there’s a certain way poetry poetry way there’s you certain a believe if You’re curious was I professor, a so write. I privilege, a little more than I otherwise would, the sonic element of of element sonic the would, otherwise I than more little a privilege, I write. communication is a complicated and vexed one, and I never know how to to how know never I and one, vexed and complicated a is communication certainly, that giving readings has changed, very subtly, the things that I I that things the subtly, very changed, has readings giving that certainly, essentially. These are complicated phenomena. I would have given the prize prize the given have would I phenomena. complicated are These essentially. is wonderful poetry. wonderful is Hat in the Cat The somehow. Ithink experienced, different ways to read poetry and many different ways to try to analyze it. it. analyze to try to ways different many and poetry read to ways different otherwise would be, though they would always be funny, because wit is a is wit because funny, be always would they though be, would otherwise out reading of experience my by enabled been has poetry my in wit the of s’ per. I’ lk [o] ya’ Nbl rz. ge u o Dln He’s Dylan. on up grew I Prize. Nobel Dylan’s [Bob] like It’s poetry.” isn’t reconceptualizing the experience of poetry. That is complicated for people people for complicated is That poetry. of experience the reconceptualizing much depends / upon * a red wheel / barrow * glazed with rain / water * * water / rain with glazed * barrow / wheel red a * upon / depends much a lot. saying without a lot implying is language the that high… sufficiently is loud. I enjoy making people laugh. My poems, I think, are funnier than they they than funnier are think, I poems, My laugh. people making enjoy I loud. reading out loud; you know what they like and what they’re absorbing. A lot lot A absorbing. they’re what and like they what youloud; know out reading You’re lot. whenyou’relouda out audience muchan more to reading playing on developing you’re that elements sonic those But page. the of medium voicetwo-dimensional rendered onyou a the flat, poetry, living hear reading a not It’s wrong. They’re experience. spoken a experience, out-loud an is VJ: VJ: VJ: VJ: to John Ashbery, who is a poet lots of people read just because he’s famous, famous, he’s because just read people of lots poet a is who Ashbery, John to to get because they think poetry is supposed to be understood rather than than rather understood be to supposed is poetry think they because get to the meaning of the a meaning poem like Youthat. it’sofWhat could ask sorts all questions. that language becomes poetic when the ratio of implicit to explicit meaning meaning explicit to implicit of ratio the when poetic becomes language that think are important? are think many are There absorbed. being just simply than rather understood, be to the page are inevitably transformed, unconsciously, by the fact that one is is one that fact the by unconsciously, transformed, inevitably are page the poetry that loud; out read be to meant is poetry that say People poem. the people felt towards his getting the Nobel Prize in Literature for poetry poetry for Literature in Prize Nobel the getting his towards felt people poetry readings. I was wondering if, after you started speaking your poetry, poetry, your speaking started you after if, wondering was I readings. poetry so important to my adolescence and I never felt the antipathy that other other that antipathy the felt never I and adolescence my to important so that “Oh, say, to person of kind the be to going not certainly I’m wide. so articulate my position. I start with the idea, and I think it’s a fairly solid one, should be taught? Are there different elements of your teaching that you that teaching your of elements different there Are taught? be should for you? changed art the about anything poetic fundamental for me. fundamental poetic spoken experience, it’s a sonic experience. That’s one of the pleasures of of pleasures the of one That’s experience. sonic a it’s experience, spoken u fw epe ely nesad H’ nt en t b “nesod” he’s “understood,” be to meant not He’s understand. really people few but beside beside the white / chickens.” What does that mean? Nobody could paraphrase ES: ES: I think they’re ultimately good. It’s great that poetry can spread its wings wings its spread can poetry that It’s great good. ultimately they’re think I I don’t write poetry for the spoken voice, I write for the page. I think, think, I page. the for write I voice, spoken the for poetry write don’t I You were just making some comments that many think a poem needs needs poem a think many that comments some making just were You your to these compare to want I lyrics, song about speaking just You were This whole issue of meaning and its relationship to making sense and and sense making to relationship its and meaning of issue whole This This interview has been edited for posterity and clarity. The full, unedited transcript transcript unedited full, The clarity. and posterity edited for been has interview This can be found on longriverreview.com foundon be can world is that we need technical solutions. To be inspired to find technical technical find to inspired be To solutions. technical need we that is world way we would solve an equation. I understand why that impulse is there there is impulse that why understand I equation. an solve would secondary- we the way at especially taught, be to tends poetry way the is which splendor its and originality its all in granted, for take you world the new, were writers feel resentful about having to teach to make a living, because they do they do because living, a make to teach to having about feel resentful writers Carson, who were really literary writers in the 60 the in writers literary really were who Carson, getting you to see the world is what Dr. Williams is trying to do. It’s such a such It’s do. to trying is Williams Dr. what is world the see to you getting experienced. I get a lot of value and pleasure out of teaching. pleasure and alot of Iget value experienced. not what’s and important what’s see to come You constantly. ideas, own doing is giving you a clear image in the mind, rendering that image and then then and image that rendering mind, the in image you clear a giving is doing love of poetry with aiding the world the way? some in aiding with love of poetry movement begins with poets like Gary Snyder and writers like Rachel Rachel like writers and Snyder Gary like poets with begins movement influential? issue of climate change rather than focusing on poetry. Do you think that that think you Do poetry. on focusing than rather change climate of issue nearly enough nature poetry being written. Poetry has become much more more much become has Poetry written. being poetry nature enough nearly there’s way, don’t,the think byI tradition. Romantic the of part a much so is indulging their own confession, examining their own pain. There might be be might There pain. own their examining confession, own their indulging give to is art make we reason the that remember should everybody think I else? something it’s about that, it’s notabout people you convince Howcould important. Teaching enables me as a writer, it doesn’t disable me. A lot of of lot A me. disable doesn’t it writer, a as me enables Teaching important. way the by themselves, students my by tremendously influenced been have I VJ: VJ: from your students? Has anybody ever brought to you a piece that was very very was that piece a you to brought ever anybody Has students? your from feel disabled by it. I can understand that, but it’s something I’ve never really really never I’ve something it’s but that, understand can I it. by disabled feel to you and ask you what they should do with their life, you’d life, their solve the to say do with should youthey what ask you to and they learn and the process of learning. It’s satisfying to have young people people young have to satisfying It’s learning. of process the and learn they poetry could serve an impact upon this issue? Could a student combine a student Could their issue? upon this impact an couldserve poetry painful things in the poem, there probably should be, given the nature of life, life, of nature the given be, should probably there poem, the in things painful of the business in not pleasure, giving of the business in is poet The pleasure. solutions, you have to have a sense that nature is sacred. The environmental environmental The sacred. is nature that sense a have to have you solutions, among pedagogues and and teachers, I don’tamong pedagogues quite know what could replace it. the it, to solution a find to have we and problem a is poem The level. school poem, a from meaning extracting than different little a is That beauty. and as interlocutors and to talk about literature to them, because it clarifies your your clarifies it because them, to literature about talk to and interlocutors as urbane than it should be. be. it should than urbane but the ultimate purpose is pleasure or joy even. pleasure is purpose ultimate but the it if as again world the see to you allow language have suddenly to blessing, ES: ES: ES: Absolutely! I think what I meant with that comment about changing the the changing about comment that with meant I what think I Absolutely! students. my of pieces the by influenced directly been ever I’ve think don’t I I’m curious, I’m too. curious, I have a quote from you that says if a student were to come Expressiveness, kind of a release. Have you learned anything in particular particular in anything learned you Have release. a of kind Expressiveness, s . That reverence for nature . reverenceThat fornature

LONG RIVER REVIEW VOLUME 21 37 Bumble Bee on a Flower Photograph

JONATHAN BARTLEY

Head in the Clouds Colored Pencil, Pen

MICHAELA ABATE On Thin Ice Digital Photograph

TAYLOR GIORGETTI

Undressing Digital Art

ZO WALLICK They look like fragments of Hubba Bubba bubblegum tape, nothing a little little a nothing tape, bubblegum Bubba Hubba of fragments like look They wrong though. I needed to act like nothing had happened. had nothing like act to Ineeded though. wrong was pushing down on me. I felt like a bag of chocolates sitting in a car in car a in sitting chocolates of bag a like felt I me. on down pushing was won’t tell anyone what happened. I hug her, thankful that my secret is still still is secret my that her,hugthankful I happened. what anyonewon’t tell you when joking were you thought I sorry, Ky,so I’m ground. the hit you cover fix. up can’t look I when but forehead, my of half left the on settles pain my sharp below A chin. just and cheek my under bubbling heat feel and eyes my close eyes wide with hands clenching my arms. clenching hands with wide eyes on top of steaming chocolate chip cookies. I hold in my sigh of relief; she relief; of sigh my in hold I cookies. chip chocolate steaming of top on or the light smack of her bare feet on the dull hardwood. Hearing nothing, nothing, Hearing hardwood. dull the on feet bare her of smack light the or I wish I could tell you what it felt like, but I was unconscious at that point. atthat unconscious you but Iwas it felt what tell like, Icould I wish My head reverberates offthe counter porcelain as mybody slumpsto the floor. I’m and movein a over daze myme, to head see mygingerly standing friend mine. She pulls back and starts curling my hair again. my hair curling starts and back She pulls mine. astop. to She stammers realized…” in the mirror all I see are two light pink blotches on my chin and forehead. and chin my on blotches pink light two are see I all mirror the in I pain. any for body my examine to trying muscles, my stretch and stand I had you sorry so I’m heat, the been must’ve “It lie. I nothing,” “It’s begin? I fetal position like an unborn baby who still has months left in the womb. the in left months has still who baby unborn an like position fetal to catch up to me. I couldn’t very well go ahead and tell Rylee what was was what Rylee tell and ahead go well very couldn’t I me. to up catch to the middle of summer; the the of outer middle layers and summer; of the chocolate, gooey caramel, put you cream ice vanilla the like soften eyes her Eventually, fine. I’m that to see that.” that.” see to peanut butter changing shape until they were a puddle of calories. they of puddle a were until shape changing butter peanut when again then and counter, the on head your hit you Then, out. passed started to fall, like you’re so tired you could drop or something. If I had had I If something. or drop could you tired so you’re like fall, to started until today.until I forstopandwaiting grabwould something, my typically brain “What just happened?” She moans. She moans. happened?” just “What This had been happening recently, though I had never passed out from it out passed had recently,never I though happening been had This I wasn’t out for long, waking up a few seconds later, curled into a loose loose a into curled later, seconds few a up waking long, for out wasn’t I I think about what it felt like before I fell. The room was warm; the heat heat the warm; was room The fell. I before feltlike it what about think I It a takes few but minutes, her I that assure the heat had gottento meand you when iron curling the on fell “You nervously. me at looks Rylee I realize my mom could have heard and listen for the springs on her bed onbed her for springs the listen and haveheard my mom could realize I do Where up. myself pull to palms clammy my with counter the grip I Spinning Mind but with aSmall Body THE AETNA CREATIVE NONFICTION AWARD (UNDERGRADUATE) KAYLEE THURLOW An Excerpt An cut more calories. But it’s tennis season which means I need to eat, so I stay I so stay I to eat, need means which season But it’s tennis more cut calories. on my strict under five hundred calorie diet. I make sure to burn off one off burn to sure make I diet. calorie hundred five under strict my on ih s ta m prns er e akn a uc. h ape s u into cut is apple The lunch. a packing me hear parents my that so night school, from home got I when in check to have would I groan. and morning thousand calories from my pedometer and then anything else I can from from can I else anything then and pedometer my from calories thousand the light burns. I think about how I won't be able to weigh myself this this myself weigh to able be won't I how about think I burns. light the protein bar I the protein before. bar night had prepared I cut up some of type every food and the protein bar into eighths: enough to last me a week if I needed to to needed I if week a me last to enough eighths: into bar protein the and sixteenths, the strawberries cut into small nibbles, carrots cut into fourths, but at that point, my weight would fluctuate from water intake. Oh, well. intake. water from my weight would fluctuate point, but atthat Taking Taking my dog that means we go slower if than it were just Dad and me; I go worksheet; my brain feels blurry as I try to do the math, a headache comes comes headache a math, the do to try I as blurry feels brain my worksheet; a out passes teacher myOne workout doas to forI’m night. what going the of year: Gatorade blue with mashed potato clouds. My stomach grumbles. I grumbles. My stomach clouds. potato mashed blue with Gatorade ofyear: my house. loop near my mile and the two Dad dog, easily. weSo, with walk one in the morning and I know my weight can fluctuate by five or so pounds, pounds, so or five by fluctuate can weight my know I and morning the in one gohome. to no energy. it’s Finally, time with focus to Itry on as decide to sprint one last time. one last sprint to decide doing instead. Writing in my chicken scratch, I plan out the afterschool afterschool the out plan I scratch, chicken my in Writing instead. doing holding off any cramps. I’m about three water bottles in on my daily six. six. daily my on in bottles water three about I’m cramps. any off holding imagine how grotesque I look in my shorts and tee shirt, my fat bouncing bouncing fat my shirt, tee and shorts my in look I grotesque how imagine Between the lack of food and overhydration, I feel like a Gushers fruit fruit Gushers a like feel I overhydration, and food of lack the Between head, my on hands with walk then and house my to bit last the sprint I I weight. my actual that’s if know to times weight three same the get to need karate, weights, or athome workouts weights, before bed. karate, for one more two mile loop after, mixing walking with some sprints from sprints some with walking mixing after, loop mile two more one for telephone poles to mailboxes. to telephone poles times in a row, completely unacceptable. I should be one hundred and thirty- and hundred one be should I row,a unacceptable. completely in times I times. three twice, once, scale: plastic chilled my on stepping undress, to a car passes and I look down; I hate when people see me running. I can’t can’t I running. me see people when hate I down; look I and passes car a racefrom as andscuttle squirrels tobranches back.grass Every fewminutes, snack: my liquid insides bursting against my waxy exterior. my waxy against bursting insides my liquid snack: legs. my up reverberate shakes as pavement the against down smacking three thirty-six and hundred onegot I step-up. third the on scale the at stare tennis weights. walk, practice, tennis a or awalk, or kickboxing practice, Dad with tennis practice, tennis walk, a of possibilities before mine and slow my pace back The to this sky time walking. isbeautiful street the on mailbox white the to it make I stride. each with down and up become as blurry as my brain was in math class. My steps become jello, jello, become steps My class. math in was brain my as blurry as become my workout into clothes. step Iquickly it. but Idon’t see to want Packing up quickly, I grab the apples, strawberries, baby carrots, and and carrots, baby strawberries, apples, the grab I quickly, up Packing Rylee goes to my to room powderingconceal I while myface,finish trying The streets are filled with hushed sounds. The birds chirp and and leaves chirp birds The sounds. hushed with filled are streets The The teachers mostly lecture asThe Iteachers lecture trymostly to outfigure what I’m going to eat and Dad joins me for part of my walk. I know I can do four miles in an hour hour an in miles four do can I know I walk. my of forpart me joins Dad Dad Dad picks me up and I have two hours before I practice. tennis race upstairs I’ve only eaten some apple slices and a fourth of my protein bar, my feet feet my bar, protein my of fourth a and slices apple some eaten only I’ve School moves by slowly as I think of all the workouts I could be be could I workouts the all of think I as slowly by moves School

LONG RIVER REVIEW VOLUME 21 43 2 to 9pm 2 to won’t and know the hours mom Withdifference. tennis atweird workfrom tonight?” when doclass I’m mom’s we’ll done. Maybe kickboxing while, Dad and I race around the rectangular room, passing classmates as as classmates passing room, rectangular the around race I and Dad while, change into my muy thai shirt and shorts, then strap on my shin protectors on protectors my shin then strap shorts, and myshirt into muy change thai ls ed. t hs on, ’ dipn i set ie cl sd bottle’s soda cold a like sweat in day. on asummer condensation dripping I’m point, this At ends. class of minutes of standing of around, I of a minutes grab standing plate it and rinse offin the They sink. and microwave the in water of mug a put I hear can Dad case in just open, only only takes a minute for us to get there. I finish my proteinbar from lunchand on myshifting weightback and in to forth run, butpreparation to Istart feel dinners for I mythat I thefreezer like open Dad herself; veggieand burgers. dinners like the court is swaying instead of my body. We end our practice and I run run I and practice body. my We of our end instead swaying is court the like I grab the family salad mom made and toss it around, making it look like like look it making around, it toss and made mom salad family the grab I are the house in windows The just old box. the into back ones and move unused the burgers, veggie more bought I them tell shopping, grocery go I’ll 4pm. almost It’s minutes. twenty about in right box and I slam an overhead. For the rest of the practice match, I focus focus I match, practice ofthe overhead. For an rest the slam I boxand right the get to trying forth, and back I'm sprinting refocus. to needing myhead, kicking the forty pound bag hanging from the wall, feeling my right leg leg right my feeling wall, the from hanging bag pound forty the kicking fourth of my protein bar and some fruit before heading outside to drive to to drive to outside heading before fruit some and bar protein my of fourth today and my mind bounces around like Skittles falling to theto floor. shake I falling Skittles like around bounces my and mind today the the bottleis empty. I slosh mycradling water-filled up consciously stairs, the to kick in perfect rhythm so that our left legs are kicking at the same time time same the at kicking are legs left our that so rhythm perfect in kick to atus. laugh they practice. Practice is two hours of runs and hits; I have to practice singles singles practice to have I hits; and runs of hours two is Practice practice. someone’s eaten from it before dad eats when he gets home. After a couple a After home. gets he when eats dad before it from someone’seaten it set for minutes two days, couple of a In back. far the in it covering burger, veggie a out take and against the bag, and I put all my force into the quick jab-crosses. jab-crosses. my quick force the into all Iput and bag, the against a in once every but room, the around jogging by Wewarm-up gloves. and stomach. stomach. I don’t I think could convince Mom to go for a quick two mile walk and then our right. After some more drills and cardio, our our forty-five minute cardio, and some drills more After right. our then and have I and Dad left. my with kick-out and snapback, bag, the hit swing, up to Dad’s cinnamon red truck with a smile; he’s in his kickboxing clothes. kickboxing his he’s in smile; a with truck red Dad’scinnamon to up top the into screech feet My placement. perfect opponent’s my with ball “Yeah, we’ll see how you feel after tennis. howtennis. youYou see don’tto feel“Yeah, overdo we’ll after want it.” out be I’ll tonight; practice before dinner have to going I’m Dad, “Hey As the only vegetarian in the family, I’ve convinced Mom to only make make only to Mom convinced I’ve family, the in vegetarian only the As Yes, it tooverdo want Ido We have to change to the next drill. I quickly rotate my hips to begin begin to hips my rotate quickly I drill. next the to change to have We The karate school is only a few streets down from the tennis courts, so it it so courts, tennis the from down streets a few only is school karate The Dad’s outside working in the garden when I get home. We have to leave Wehome. to haveget I when garden the in working Dad’soutside I do need to eat something before practice, though. So, I eat another another eat I So, though. practice, before something eat to need do I I get home and guzzle down more water. I fill my mouth and gulp until until gulp and mouth my fill I water. more down guzzle and home get I Mom yells out, “Switch!” “Switch!” out, Mom yells Mom works us hard in Dad class. and I team up. My punches jackhammer , we never have time to eat dinner together. dinner eat to , we never have time — how long my veggie burger would’ve Then needed. , I think to myself as I head inside. inside. Ihead as myself to , Ithink There's none. Looking at the fat of my stomach congealing I realize, I look look I realize, I congealing stomach my of fat the at Looking none. There's don’t work out the voice is sure to spite me: me: spite to sure is voice the out work don’t like a white chocolate crunch bar. I turn to the side. My wrists are naturally naturally are to the bar. side. a I like Mywhite chocolate turn crunch wrists I can't stand looking at Mom any myself longer looking and decide I to asking chance can't stand know how shut voiceknow to the up. fat, you’ll get skinny if never you don’t eat less and work out more. for a quick two-mile loop. for two-mile aquick tiny, but they make my arm fat more noticeable. Like an ice cream truck truck cream ice an Like noticeable. more fat arm my make they but tiny, this on a constant loop whenever on I a don’tthis constant haveI don’tthe proper motivation. pedometer at the bottom. “Mom, want to go for a walk?" to go walk?" for a want “Mom, bottom. atthe pedometer slumps against her velvet green recliner while balancing a glass of water water salsa. with of cheese and of chips plate glass asteaming and a balancing while recliner green velvet her against slumps snowcap. thick the into grows that point tiny the are cone,snowmy wrists before bed; she tries to stay on me about not overworking myself. But if I if But myself. overworking not about me on stay to tries she bed; before “Ky, we got just both home, don't you she to want Sheread tonight?" says. Read the full piece online at longriverreview.com at online piece full Read the I walk down the stairs, counting each step as I go, and then checking my I as go, then checking step each and counting the down stairs, I walk I gaze in the mirror, up pulling my sweat-stained shirt to look for progress. My mouth salivates ather plate. My salivates mouth you’re You’re enough. not good too My mind runs My runs mind

LONG RIVER REVIEW VOLUME 21 45 — atleastforayoung me. a a tdn suyn mdcn. iey a or e suet okn for looking student med poor a Likely, medicine. studying student a was comfort me,probablytranslatingmysilenceassadness. Cryobank. other combinations. knew who And cooking. and writing reading, became hobbies his up, grew matriarchy line.Mymother’shusband. to out reached she as concern spoke eyes Her pity. her understand didn’t I in my neighbor’s backyard, laying on the trampoline and counting the hawks My father’s name is 8934 is name father’s My intact and the cars had their oil changed, was not all that emotionally there emotionally that all not was changed, oil their had cars the and intact from the 80 the from family isaspecialskill/talent. family had an excellent social history social excellent an had family the trampolinefeltcool—nylonthreadingairthroughourbacks. that flew overhead. The summer air was sticky against our arms and legs. But though manytriedtoinformme. that claim can one inclined, musically you’re that saying to addition in that amplifiers, and inexpensive antiques. A body with an affinity for vehicles affinity an with body A antiques. inexpensive and amplifiers, personality. At the time of his brief tenure at the Rochester Cryobank, 8934 Cryobank, Rochester the at tenure brief his of time the At personality. and my eyes were accustomed to female relationships but weren’t blind to blind weren’t but relationships female to accustomed were eyes my and as aspecialskill,Iwill,too.Though,imaginewemeanthisdifferent some beer money, which he should have been careful about since a maternal his unlike hopefully Apositive, is type blood His hair. brown light and uncle of his may have been an alcoholic. But no worries, I suppose, since his “You don’t see George as like a dad?” sheasked. “You don’tseeGeorgeaslikeadad?” “I’m sorry you don’t have a dad. That sucks,” my neighbor said into our silence. h ys Te tpahr Te a mm ruh hm t breakthe to home mombrought man The stepfather. The yes. Ah, silent. remained I So, told. just had I story life my of out borne silence A 94 a br it a ahlc aiy n 98 wt genbu eyes green-blue with 1968, in family Catholic a into born was 8934 These are the only facts I know about my father. But if he can claim family e a js Gog. bd ta ocpe sae ih utr ad old and guitars with space occupied that body A George. just was He No, Ididn’tseehim“likeadad.” I was eight years old the first time I was pitied for being fatherless. I was I fatherless. being for pitied was I time first the old years eight was I fatherless, be to meant it what know didn’t I matriarchy. a in lived I I do not know what a father is. My tongue only knew the word mother word the knew only tongue My is. father a what know not do I s . A body, while very capable of making sure the roof stayed roof the sure making of capable very while body, A . KATHRYN WARRENDER a temporary resident of Rochester’s Regional Rochester’s of resident temporary a — 8934 whatever that really means. As he As means. really that whatever — ly. vied for my mother’s attention in different ways and the three of us couldn’t hockey-stick into my hands at seven and forced me onto her landlord’s pond Everyone needsadad.” name wasJohn.” my story.Theyrequiredmorecontext. replacement outofanything. knew theoriginal? necessarily makeitworkunanimously. h muti utl land o un n so o m on Se he a threw She own. my on stop and turn to learned I until mountain the down me chased and five of age the at skis in me put She them. about think parent a as position exact her then life, my in role her of off this base to trying to find an answer for my reality within the comforts of her own space, tionships my mother had, since most kids my age had trouble understanding piano or ballet at off me dropped nights, worked Mom when leftovers the threw me abusschedule andtoldmetofigureitout. threw she home, rides getting issues of because school middle in sports do to pre-pubescent agitation. put enginesonthekitchentable. not to best his did he And basket. the in laundry dirty the put he’d practice, scanned the backyard, her eyes darting erratically. It looked as if she was She she if experiences. as looked It nine-year-old erratically. darting her eyes her in backyard, the nerve scanned particular a hit to seemed staring. The fact that my narrative didn’t fit the one she knew and understood becomes muddled.Butsheisnot afather. because Iwasclearlydisruptingit. until I figured out how to skate without an aid. When I said I wasn’t going wasn’t I said I When aid. an without skate to how out figured I until Lk, o ko, a tig! dnt nw bt vroe a a dad. a has everyone but know, don’t I things! Dad know, you “Like, “What doyoumean?” “She does,like,Dadthingswithyou.” “What?” with saliva of bits sputtering snapped, she Dad,” your like is Kerry “Well, “Ew! Don’tsaythatword!” “I toldyou,mydadisaspermdonor!Hedoesn’texistinlife.” “That doesn’tmakesense.Hehastobeyourdad.” “Because mymomdivorcedhimyearsbeforeshewaswithKerry.” “How ishenot?” “…No.” “Oh, soJohn’syourfather.” His Kerry. with was she before man a to married was mom my “Well, A goodguybutnotadadreplacement. This isn’t to say I didn’t like him, but we had competing interests. We interests. competing had we but him, like didn’t I say to isn’t This Once people found out you didn’t know your father, they’d make a father never you if is replacement the what know you would how Granted, Kerry was the one who made me do things. Actually do them, not just not them, do Actually things. do me made who one the was Kerry Kerry is not my dad. Semantically speaking, this is impossible. If we were rela- various the out mapped I neighbor, my with story life my sharing In up heated He though. told, was he what did who husband a was He Her face flushed when I insisted my truth. She sat up on the trampoline, the on up sat She truth. my insisted I when flushed face Her

LONG RIVER REVIEW VOLUME 21 47 we’d ever get to hit it. I remember long bus rides from middle school when school middle from rides bus long remember I it. hit to get ever we’d I Love the 80 when it came to discussions of menstruating and sex and menstruating of discussions to came it when Casey Anthony case before I could backtrack my response. Clara is my secret hne 9 ad ak bu te apnns n h wrd I te is of midst the In world. the in happenings the about talk and 9, Channel Clara. She is the short woman with short, black hair and a fiery tongue, and tongue, fiery a and hair black short, with woman short the is She Clara. conversation, takingasipofhermerlot. claims Kerry and I always cheat at Rummy 500. Clara is ruthless and nosy and ruthless is Clara 500. Rummy at cheat always I and Kerry claims one needsafather.Buteveryone needsasupportstaff. on the Sorry piece she had squished between her thumb and middle finger. I each other’s toenails as we talk, hers beige, mine red. And I still bury my bury still I And red. mine beige, hers talk, we as toenails other’s each holiday photos on their mantle. Her parent’s wedding picture sat framed on framed sat picture wedding parent’s Her mantle. their on photos holiday net instead of two. That helped me land on my feet on sturdier ground. No ground. sturdier on feet my on land me helped That two. of instead net Everyone was always there, so when I happened to fall, four people held the remember birthday parties where her mom and dad didn’t see eye-to-eye on keeper. Honestyisalwaysherstrictpolicy—well,thatandmakingthebed. followed that minutes the in whiplash like felt It obviously.” “Well replied, Nancy Grace, she once slipped. “Do you use condoms?” seamlessly into the into seamlessly condoms?” use you “Do slipped. once she Grace, Nancy head inhershoulderswhenIfeeloverwhelmed. Stewarts. I always get something with coffee ice cream and she always got always she and cream ice coffee with something get always I Stewarts. the happenings. We would all stand frozen beneath the piñata wondering if wondering piñata the beneath frozen stand all would We happenings. the her hearing and kitchen the in Sorry! playing remember I But house.” this bless “God plaque: the hung kitchen their And couch. the of side right the and mom a had She house. neighbor’s my at times my recall I matters. that she wouldcomplainaboutherparents. parents fight. Small, but pungent bickering. My friend would smile but fixate as I needed. Like having different pairs of shoes for different occasions. fordifferent of shoes pairs different having Like needed. I as a dad and a brother. A perfect little family, with baby pictures and family and pictures baby with family, little perfect A brother. a and dad a the on back already was she But her. with shared just I what realized I as something with chocolate chips. We spend hours in front of the because it’s not these identity markers that matter, but it’s how they parent they how it’s but matter, that markers identity these not it’s because but we learn to live with it. Every time I visit her, we buy ice cream from cream ice buy we her, visit I time Every it. with live to learn we but but inawaythathaskeptmehonest.Itallowedhertokeeptabson “They’re alwaysfighting!” ihu ee tikn o wa se a ipyn b te usin I question, the by implying was she what of thinking even Without There was always a parent at hand for me and I could switch them out them switch could I and me for hand at parent a always was There I feltpityforher. I have a plethora of parents. Their exact title or gender isarbitrary, orgender title exact Their parents. of plethora a have I In high school, we often sat together to watch the news, usually news, the watch to together sat often we school, high In Because in addition to her, Mom, and George, I also have Kerry’s girlfriend, I can’tcallherdad.Butdon’tneedto. u Kry a as te ot tetv. h ws h faks withme the frankest was She attentive. most the also was Kerry But s 1 while I comb her hair and massage her head. We paint We head. her massage and hair her comb I while on vh1 both are miserable, are both — tv watching me. cnnor Yet, as absorbed as he often became in his own narrative, he always kept an kept always he narrative, own his in became often he as absorbed as Yet, wasted to move, he would just keep going, explaining how the wheels were were doing), he would sit close and offer a soft stream of straightforward, of stream soft a offer and close sit would he doing), were ruminate to beginning was or withdrawn or upset seemed someone when coming off the establishment, expounding on why our generation had to had generation our why on expounding establishment, the off coming came from a very different place different very a from came death intheRepublicofVietnam. too was else everyone When arms. powerful but short his with gesturing exhaust his simply did, often and he could, that intensity such with out eye out for how others in his circle were doing. He was the first to notice to first the was He doing. were circle his in others how for out eye of those raps matched the intensity of his stories about Vietnam. Hehad Vietnam. about stories his of intensity the matched raps those of describe andimpossibletoexplain. him that, except Nancy, his girlfriend. She called him Michael. So, at first, at So, Michael. him called She girlfriend. his Nancy, except that, him I assumed his name was Michael Sanchez. I had known him for almost a almost for him known had I Sanchez. Michael was name his assumed I joints, passing beers, sipping thighs, his on room floor, resting belly his living ball on bowling his cross-legged sitting him see still can I listeners. he hadbeentheretoo. losing it(whichwasarealpossibilitygiventhekindsofdrugssomethem hold forth for hours, rapping on and on about a variety of subjects: revolu- subjects: of variety a about on and on rapping hours, for forth hold could he face, expressive round, and forehead prominent his framing hair music, movies, fixing cars. Which sometimes worked and sometimes not. andsometimes worked sometimes Which cars. fixing movies, music, ness for fucking up; a raw place of hardship and dread, and grief, but also, but grief, and dread, and hardship of place raw a up; fucking for ness not be coincidences after all. He had developed theories about things like things about theories developed had He all. after coincidences be not I used to think he was a little crazy. Intense, animated, his thinning, stringy thinning, his animated, Intense, crazy. little a was he think to used I then and now disappeared as he talked; a place where there was no forgive- no was there where place a talked; he as disappeared now and then that and the longer he went on, the more worked up he became. But none But became. he up worked more the on, went he longer the and that might that coincidences strange conflict, intergenerational politics, tionary stay true and never sell out, and spinning his compelling tales of life and life of tales compelling his spinning and out, sell never and true stay shit like that. Usually, it helped. His concern was genuine, and you knew that of verge the on was friends his of one that thought he If stuff. bizarre about a strange sense of excitement, sometimes even euphoria, that was hard to hard was that euphoria, even sometimes excitement, of sense strange a spent a year there as a trooper in the Air Cav, and his stories about the war the about stories his and Cav, Air the in trooper a as there year a spent brotherly advice: Oh man, I know how you feel, but you just can’t do crazy do can’t just you but feel, you how know I man, Oh advice: brotherly To get him to lighten up, his friends would try to interject other topics: other interject to try would friends his up, lighten to him get To e a be itoue t m sml a Snhz Eeyn called Everyone Sanchez. as simply me to introduced been had He Most of the time, however, he just rapped on and on, the words pouring words the on, and on rapped just he however, time, the of Most Take it Easy, Buddy JIM Mc JIM An Excerpt An a place where the boundaries between boundaries the where place a —

GAUGHEY

LONG RIVER REVIEW VOLUME 21 49 or arie rvne bas f wa fo acmltn tee H had He there. accumulating from sweat of beads prevented hairline your vegetation, the sudden evasive maneuvers of low-flying helicopters, low-flying of maneuvers evasive sudden the vegetation, yourself to shift onto the skid and jump off into the chaos: breathing fast, breathing chaos: the into off jump and skid the onto shift to yourself tunnels hidden for searched buddies your and you while forehead your warehouse in Stafford Springs. He was also a UConn student, trying to be an year before I learned his last name wasn’t Sanchez. He was Michael fucking time.” Realizing that he was starting to shout, he took a breath and breath a took he shout, to starting was he that Realizing time.” fucking on patrol, he liked to keep the trigger guard on his on guard trigger the keep to liked he patrol, on on thetrigger. grief for that, he said. It was very much against orders, but it made him faster of diversity regional or history the about learned had he something or footnote explanatory an offer to description tactical of the of up humping him, with there right were You war. the about especially of the nickname, “Sanchez,” but a east of the UConn campus in rural Mansfield, Connecticut. We lived there in questioning his judgement, he spent the next hour telling tales about guys he hard oraccidentlybrushedagainst something?” across wading after leeches for pants your inside check to remembering habit of dropping courses and periodically dropping out of school altogether. him Mike’s stories. In fact, he seemed to enjoy stepping back from the intensitythe from back stepping enjoy to seemed he fact, In stories. Mike’s exceptional had he that and writer a be to wanted he that me told Nancy English major. At least, sometimes he was. He had acquired the unfortunate lowered his voice. “You had to be ready. Believe me, a half second can make isolated, low rent apartment complex known as Mt. Hope, located five miles uze Yu a t ko, a t ko, ht o wr dig Al the All doing. were you what know, to had know, to had You muzzle. knew whodidtruly crazy,dangerousshit,sometimes justforfun. fear, brotherhoodandincipientviolencethatisinfantryenteringcomb the country. You got used to certain things, he said: the stench of rotting of stench the said: he things, certain to used got You country. the talent. I had no trouble believing that the mid-1970 seen arvnsoldiersdothat,sohetrieditandfoundhelped. points of coping with the humidity selector flipped to spray. (See why I thought he was a little crazy?) He took He crazy?) little a was he thought I why (See spray. to flipped selector finer the of some learned you while, a there been had you After stream. a sweating and swearing, adrenaline pumping; caught up in the force-field of force-field the in up caught pumping; adrenaline swearing, and sweating edge the at line tree the scanning him, not you, was it if as was uneasy, It anxious. growing yourself feel could you spoke, he from As arms. sweat of caches and the mopping Valley, Shau A fog-shrouded the down and actually, John Michael Steele. a difference bombshell. Like the time he nonchalantly mentioned that when he was out was he when that mentioned nonchalantly he time the Like bombshell. “But what if you had tripped and fallen? What if you had to hit the dirt the hit to had you if What fallen? and tripped had you if what “But Annoyed, he glared at me. “I was always careful always was “I me. at glared he Annoyed, When I first met him, Mike was working second shift inafactory shift second wasworking Mike him, met first I When Of course, life in Vietnam wasn’t all drama and danger, and neither were neither and danger, and drama all wasn’t Vietnam in life course, Of Mostly, this was mundane stuff, but sometimes he would drop a hewould sometimes but stuff, mundane was this Mostly, Mike. He seemed to appreciate that. He was my neighbor in the small, the in neighbor my was He that. appreciate to seemed He Mike. , eyeing the flattening grass as the Huey hovered down, readying down, hovered Huey the as grass flattening the eyeing lz, — all the fucking difference in the world.” Sensing that I was still s , andwebecamefriends. I never got fter I learned his full name, I started calling — like how shaving the peach fuzz along — he was such a compelling storyteller, a straight answer about m always aware of my of aware always — -16 taped open and the and open taped -16 a character sketch, character a — the Steele origins at. — there are different standards for what is acceptable, for what has meaning, has what for acceptable, is what for standards different are there — When you live with the ever-present possibility of sudden death, when you when death, sudden of possibility ever-present the with live you When walk around authorized and equipped to take human life, the rules change rules the life, human take to equipped and authorized around walk years laterandhalfaworldaway,talkingaboutitwashard. you would now have to carefully pick your way, weaving around the around weaving way, your pick carefully to have now would you craters, watching for sharp, half-buried splinters, trying not to fixate on any any on fixate to not trying splinters, half-buried sharp, for watching craters, of splintered tree trunks and muddy craters muddy and trunks tree splintered of the of shade humid the when Or mine. a or tunnel, a ambush, an encounter described a scene like that. Without saying directly, he was telling you just you telling was he directly, saying Without that. like scene a described decaying body parts you might see: disembodied half-heads, severed legs with listened when they first arrived in country, trying not to look too anxious, too look to not trying in country, arrived first they when listened how unforgettable, how haunting,it was to seesomething likethat;to have relaxing lessons: relaxing easy, not were These for. out watch to what know I couldnomorestoplisteningtohisstoriesthanhetellin rap Mike’s sometimes, But there. over not here, were we that remember o jdig ht s ae n wa int I re t apeit ta ad to and that appreciate to tried I isn’t. what and sane is what judging for thick canopy overhead would disappear, revealing a sunbaked wasteland wasteland sunbaked a revealing disappear, would overhead canopy thick there and the people it had happened to meant nothing. And that even five even that And nothing. meant to happened had it people the and there happened had what if as going, keep just and place a such through pass to protruding bones,bloated,laceratedtorsosteemingwithmaggots. would you when knew never You deadly. prove could time wrong the at would I so experience his of benefit the sharing mode, mentoring to switch that was thing weird The uncomfortable. deeply me made Vietnam about but eager for whatever words of advice they could get. Sometimes, he would would he Sometimes, get. could they advice of words whatever for eager but been through the area, leaving behind a barren moonscape through which which through moonscape barren a behind leaving area, the through been A quiet detachment crept into his otherwise animated narration when he Readthefullpieceonlineatlongriverreview.com Over time, I came to understand that things were just different over there. My rapt attention must have somehow reminded him of the way new guys evidence that the that evidence — b -52s had had -52s g them.

LONG RIVER REVIEW VOLUME 21 51 whose worn dark hands worked tirelessly to make a living as a shoemaker a as living a make to tirelessly worked hands dark worn whose in house tin-roofed ramshackle family’s her of memories with sang voice who employed her as a housekeeper for change each day – could somehow violet, andIcouldfeelthecolordissolveonmytonguelikesugar. I mused, her experiences I think: Look at how the color catches on its stem. Look at how sunlight how at Look stem. its on catches color the how at Look think: I black. that’s right, Oh, think, don’t I soft, dusk’s against brush purple see I In the dark space of my bedroom, my mother warns that my grandmother’s I cankiss,holdinmyfist,andneverletitgo. I do know: my friend says the color is mine, mine, mine as if it’s something cows back on the island, of her eight other brothers and sisters, of her father, ghost rests beside us. The frail brown Caribbean woman whose withered whose woman Caribbean brown frail The us. beside rests ghost on shadowed trees. Those euphemisms for blackness are found endlessly found are blackness for euphemisms Those trees. shadowed on else buried in that smile, too: envy or longing, maybe? I’ll never know. What or worse,whatneverhadbeen. her winter coat. A smile plays at her lips but there’s the hint of something of hint the there’s but lips her at plays smile A coat. winter her my fist. My grandmother was gone but the weight was heavy, heavier than mother tells me this as she smooths her hands over my braids. I am thirteen sleepily restson thepollen.Lookathowitspetals foldlikeskin. McCraney’s Walker’s example, for literature: in be contained in something so impalpable when what she faced was real. My the Civil Rights Era; maltreated and berated by the wealthy white women white wealthy the by berated and maltreated Era; Rights Civil the to blackness. Those nights heavy with stars and the way moonlight catches an impoverished village outside Kingston, of her family’s chicken coop and and I don’t cry, yet. Instead, I stifle my tears with my lips pressed against pressed lips my with tears my stifle I Instead, yet. cry, don’t I and under British colonialism, had died into a violet soft and heavy as rain. As if, “That is so your color,” a friend cries as I slide my arms into the sleeves of Always between something, always slipped inside the fold of what was, what of fold the inside slipped always something, between Always Define blue:acolorimmediatelybetweengreenandviolet. Define purple:acolorimmediatelybetweenredandblue. Define violet:ofapurplish-bluecolor. Some way or the other, purple and blue have become intrinsically linked In Moonlight Black Boys Look Blue Notes on Violet on Notes — arriving in the early 1950 After Maggie Nelson Maggie After BRIANNA M n mr recently, more and Purple, Color The c NISH . But when I see violets, when s New York City amid “Purple Rain”atthetopofherlungs,armsflailingexcitedly inth white ofatogadress. again, time and time but color, the don princes and monarchs wealthiest with stars. While some call it Raleigh scattering, I call it cruel. I don’t know week, itlookslikeacrescentmoonblossomingonmyleg.Themoonlight’s comes a deep, dark violet night, the kind that envelops you like a forceful a like you envelops that kind the night, violet dark deep, a comes escapes me; I only remember wanting to know how it feels for my bike my for feels it how know to wanting remember only I me; escapes dandelions, to feel the moon beat against my neck. I don’t expect to feel to expect don’t I neck. my against beat moon the feel to dandelions, glittery purple eyeshadow clumsily smeared across her lids. Shecroons lids. her across smeared clumsily eyeshadow purple glittery dead or significantly injured, thank goodness, but the fall left a mark on my how the world is fine scattering particles of light, making us believe these believe us making light, of particles scattering fine is world the how running water,“Well,IguessI’malittlesad.” my question. That maybe, just maybe, in the moonlight black boys do look do boys black moonlight the in maybe, just maybe, That question. my dotted space black of pit deep endless, an just is seeing I’m What night. kiss. Slowly, very slowly, I remember: wait, there’s no such thing as a violet kisses his bare arms. But little do those noblemen know the price of such of price the know noblemen those do little But arms. bare his kisses kiss, Ithink. the through gliding gliding, gliding, and handlebars its clutch to stumbling esel ae antknl cuhd ln te eao soeie each shoreline, Lebanon the along crushed painstakingly are seashells scab exposed to the world escapes me, too. But I do know one thing: after a she scolds me do not ever, ever do that again. Blood, blood, blood. I am not blue. Thatmaybeblackbodiesaremadeofinfinitelight. answers that suppose I But purple. tinged just fact, in were, images black here then: And stars. with heavy and cloudless and pink daybreak, fall bleeding violet, packed into an expensive dye, and soaked in the undulating father staggers to hoist me to my feet. My grandmother’s lilting patois as patois lilting grandmother’s My feet. my to me hoist to staggers father to run down the rocky slope of my grandmother’s backyard, tocrush backyard, mygrandmother’s of slope rocky the down run to oa ag loey rm nbea’ bd a te ae ih o twilight of light pale the as body nobleman’s a from loosely hangs toga mauve A violets. of reincarnations the are Empire Roman the throughout pain. My bike jerks over a rock and flings itself into the air with me air the into itself flings and rock a over jerks bike My pain. pty ihn oet, seily s h tls e litvl oe the over plaintively me tells she as especially moments, within apathy air and a garish display of riches and beauty: thousands of Mediterranean murex Mediterranean of thousands beauty: and riches of display garish a aid over it. My grandmother didn’t want me to wear it; why she wants my wants she why it; wear to me want didn’t grandmother My it. over aid band- a places father My soft. and lumpy and crusted and bluish is It ankle. “That’s all?”Iwonderoutloud.it?” After hedied,Iamquicktoaskhowshefeelsaboutit. However, nights have a way of tricking us. It’s summer when the nights Imagine: for centuries, violet is a color associated with luxury. Only the Only luxury. with associated color a is violet centuries, for Imagine: Imagine: my mother, age 17. She goes to her first Prince concert with concert Prince first her to goes She 17. age mother, my Imagine: She’s washing the dishes. A flash of excitement in her eyes softens into softens eyes her in excitement of flash A dishes. the washing She’s On my tenth birthday, I run my bike down a hill intentionally. Intent intentionally. hill a down bike my run I birthday, tenth my On — crunch. Blood. Blisters. My head spinning. Wincing in pain as my e air.

LONG RIVER REVIEW VOLUME 21 53 War Then, intonothing. wants to pursue a better life. And somewhere in that haze, he meetsmy he haze, that in somewhere And life. better a pursue to wants gone to England instead. Either way, every story of his is marked by violet: by marked is his of story every way, Either instead. England to gone to grows later years fifty and father, my has York, New in grandmother of bleachedsand,honeysuckletouchedlightlywithbrown. or 1960 or other siblings, each of which may or may not have witnessed their mother their witnessed have not may or may which of each siblings, other leaves theviewerswirlingwithhunger. is swathed in the moonlight, in waiting, in wanting, constant wanting, and wanting, constant wanting, in waiting, in moonlight, the in swathed is life happeneddifferently—ornotatall. lines he punches a boy in the face and spits on him for saying something saying for him on spits and face the in boy a punches he lines regret coming to the country and wishing he either stayed home, or had or home, stayed either he wishing and country the to coming regret nodding toward my mother. Pretty, long-lashed, fair; my mother is the color Second: he is twelve and nearly done with schooling; somewhere along the along somewhere schooling; with done nearly and twelve is he Second: father. “Thank God your mother is such a light woman,” he tells me as a child, shifts with the emergence of violet. It can give the odd sense that something everything gaze, wandering viewer’s the in hopefulness uncomfortable an son, he explains his childhood in a triptych. First:and hewife second isdead thehis of eldestmemories vague childonly and ofdementia three by addled about his skin. Third: he comes to America in some haze between the 1950 the between haze some in America to comes he Third: skin. his about by another brown body, by another bruise, by another night dreaming his dreaming night another by bruise, another by body, brown another by beaten repeatedlybytheirfather,astaunchsupporterofBritishcolonialism. )Throughthefurtiveglancessharedinstores,onbuses,streets, 1) While blue can consume the viewer with sadness, while yellow instills yellow while sadness, with viewer the consume can blue While The stories my grandfather offers of his homeland are not kind. Already kind. not are homeland his of offers grandfather my stories The )Throughhowthecolorsettlesonscene. 2) For any matter, violet sinks below the horizon and dies into a whisper. a into dies and horizon the below sinks violet matter, any For y rnfte tls e e olnt oe e f wr dr lk my like dark were I if me love wouldn’t he me tells grandfather My In the movies, there are only two ways you can tell strangers were in love: ), leaving behind his first wife and his daughter, simply because he because simply daughter, his and wife first his behind leaving ii), behind awkwardsmiles,and s (he can never settle on which, only that it was safely after World after safely was it that only which, on settle never can (he s “I hatemyself,”myfriendsays. This guy making this statement is not a pussy, so he’s allowed tohand allowed so he’s pussy, nota is statement this making guy This what he’supto. washes over me. It’s like I’m accepting a challenge. The team just accepted a accepted just team The challenge. a accepting I’m like It’s me. over washes challenge. You’re on. only his third drink. He gets a little goofy, as he is wont to do. I know he’s I know do. to wont is he as goofy, little a gets He drink. third his only has a girlfriend and moves off somewhere. It’s alright. We’re not wondering not We’re alright. It’s somewhere. off moves and girlfriend a has state smaller a at back basement frat a in him at swinging was Brooklyn not drunk,thisisashowofsorts. magazine. Story goes that he and this kid knocked each other around a little and then and little a around other each knocked kid this and he that goes Story they satonsomecouchtalkingshitanddrinking.Theywerefriendsaft these things out. Give it some time, pussies no more, I think. This resolve This think. I more, no pussies time, some it Give out. things these school and everyone was egging them on; they were about the same size. same the about were they on; them egging was everyone and school “They don’tknow,”hesays.“They’renothelpful." “These kidsarepussies,”onesays, justaudibleenoughformetohear “Haha, justkidding,”myunclesays. “Your cousinisn’tgayanymore,”myunclesays. This one friend never talks to us again after we graduate high school, he school, high graduate we after again us to talks never friend one This Sorry youhadtoseemelikethat,man.Won’thappenagain. He’s played rugby and he’s been in a fight apparently. Some kid named kid Some apparently. fight a in been he’s and rugby played He’s My friend’sdogdies. Relief washesoverme.Daygoeson. Next dayIgetatext. I lookathiseyesandI’mnotsurewhattosay.suggesttherapists. My uncle and I are driving. My aunt is in the back seat, reading a ladies’ a reading seat, back the in is aunt My driving. are I and uncle My fe ti wid esto lk Im cetn a rd fo a professor. a from grade a accepting I’m like sensation weird this feel I My roommate and his fraternity friend watch my boy down abeer down boy my watch friend fraternity his and roommate My I laughagain.I’mnotsurewhythisisfunny. I laugh,andexpresssurprise. Sucks, man. Ber er hver að bakinema sér bróður eigi. Bare is the back of a brotherless man. abrotherless of back the is Bare BEN SCHULTZ An Excerpt An . er. —

LONG RIVER REVIEW VOLUME 21 55 earring outoftheengagementringwhenawomanturnsyoudown. won’t let him go to the bathroom because the boys just waste time in the in time waste just boys the because bathroom the to go him let won’t very much. class, right? on his whole life. His success with women, mainly. The other teachers love it guy, you see, and while doing a comedy act in front of the entire school, I shit more a in problems with him see come that kids about talks He things. of drink of it; they don’t believe a thing He says. He’s a savior and He’s been He’s and savior a He’s says. He thing a believe don’t they it; of drink have this odd love for him, as if he gets it. I feel like he understands a lot a understands he like feel I it. gets he if as him, for love odd this have has handled rope and guns and leather and wrenches and ladder rungs and rungs ladder and wrenches and leather and guns and rope handled has named them,whatwouldhappen? always there’s chest-bump, we impact, and there’s cup-check, war movies. These guys are running We out of a landing craft, scrape. and bite and kick and punch we boys, are we when because death, of scared really is man No His friends and family, like the media, the judges, want His blood but won’t but blood His want judges, the media, the like family, and friends His note, justacouplesentences,aboutmyerrorinjudgment. for creating the lives of almost twenty-six people. He loves my grandmother them go. that things The heroes. They’re maelstrom. bloody a in apart ripped they’re paintbrushes and steering wheels and shot glasses. I know I had to do that do to had I know I glasses. shot and wheels steering and paintbrushes since he’skindofashowboat. you If them. name can’t you Sometimes see. can’t you things are men scare scare me in the sense that death is physical, death is tangible, death happens. and I don’t know what would have happened if I hadn’t. Probably fail the fail Probably hadn’t. I if happened have would what know don’t I and bathroom. Several boys in the class wet themselves, because she won’t let won’t she because themselves, wet class the in boys Several bathroom. urban townwhereheworksattheirschool. underwent the worst brutality any human body can undergo. He watches as “Girlfriends, I never worried about them at that age,” my grandfather says. “My friends in World War “You can,”mybrothersays,“ifhe’stryingtokillsomeoneyou love.” “You can’tkillaman,”mygrandfathersays. “Pull upyourdamnpants,man,”hesaystothem. “You didn’t gotta do that,” he quips, waving the letter at me in a hand that a hand in me at letter the waving quips, he that,” do gotta didn’t “You We’ve got a coach. He’s a great guy. He’s real old school, I admire him and Teacher is hurt next time I see him. My dad insists I write him an apology f h hsoy eatet agt e ntig i’ ta yu o’ mk an make don’t you that it’s anything, me taught department history the If Jesus is the greatest ideal of selfless masculinity, they told us. His body His us. told they masculinity, selfless of ideal greatest the is Jesus I have to tell this teacher I’m sorry for something I said. I’m a huge wise huge a I’m said. I something for sorry I’m teacher this tell to have I My grandfather is responsible, genetically, both directly and indirectly, and directly both genetically, responsible, is grandfather My My brotherleaves,toansweraphonecallfromhisgirlfriend. My brotherandmygrandfathertalkaboutkilling. My mom is a teacher, and she is appalled by how my brother’s teacher brother’s my how by appalled is she and teacher, a is mom My doesn’t death that realize I Hemingway. about talk I and grandfather My ii , they couldn’t live with it,” my grandfather says. whisper about what a faggot I am behind my back. It would be kind of funny, ih oe wo rnt neetd bt h ra mn nw o goe it. ignore to know men real the but interested, aren’t who women with on thecross. dudes explain to me that faggots are fake, they’re not really all in. They don’t gay men aren’t faggots. A faggot is not gay; he’s inept. He’s not there when there not He’s inept. he’s gay; not is faggot A faggots. aren’t men gay I think, because I sit around discussing the hidden parts of girls the same as same the girls of parts hidden the discussing around sit I because think, I mean anything. like thefaggotheis. importantly, pussies don’t move much weight, they don’t run fast, they don’t Faggots dress weird. It’s not that they’re gay, we agree. We agree that a lot of just afaggot. hugely He’s muscles?” your feel I “Can girl, stunning this asking for job these other guys. In college, it changes. Faggots are incompetent. Some black to their mother. They don’t deal with cold and heat well. They like their sleep. listen always Pussies do. to what them tell women let they and girls, to talk the mammoth goes into the pit and the boys close in to finish it, he’s not he’s around gallivanting it, woods, the in off He’s break. glasses Piggy’s when there finish to in close boys the and pit the into goes mammoth the a faggot, apparently. I like writing, I like art. I sometimes wonder ifthey wonder Isometimes art. like I writing, Ilike apparently. faggot, a someone tellsme. sold like an object. His robes are torn and shared. He feels scared and alone and scared feels He shared. and torn are robes His object. an like sold arrogant andannoying,soeventuallytheyfirehim. “What afaggot,”Isay,andwealllaugh. “Sam got arrested for humping a department store mannequin while high,” We deem,quickly,thattherearetermsformenwhoaren’tmen. This tiny kid gets a sexual harassment charge at this silly minimum wage minimum silly this at charge harassment sexual a gets kid tiny This Father forgivethem,fortheyknownotwhatdo. Eloi, eloi,lamasabatchthani?/Father,father,whyhaveyouforsakenme? Faggots are a different breed. There’s something inexcusably cocky about cocky inexcusably something There’s breed. different a are Faggots Most straight. up stand don’t Pussies eye. the in you look don’t Pussies No one says it, but I think about him in my head and his name fades; he’s Sometimes faggots try to start fights, and usually they’re really touchy really they’re usually and fights, start to try faggots Sometimes

LONG RIVER REVIEW VOLUME 21 57 You have to stop counting. counting. You stop to have Well, that’s a lie, because everyone is selfish, but he was selfish in the best best the in selfish was but he selfish, is everyone because lie, a Well,that’s funeral service praying with the priest to ask God to forgive him for his his for him forgive to God ask to priest the with praying service funeral won’t kill me the way it does now. But what if I’m not better? What if I if What better? not I’m if what But now. does it way the me kill won’t ways. He selfishly forced people to get along, selfishly defied rules he rules defied selfishly along, get to people forced selfishly He ways. How I wish he would jump out and scare me. 1 me. scare and out jump would he wish I How can’t handle being twenty-three and I break theway he broke?and I break I’m But not twenty-three being handle can’t children in the ballet class I teach on the weekends, twenty-three pairs of pairs twenty-three weekends, the on teach I class ballet the in children earrings in my mom’searrings box, jewelry and my birthday brother’s twenty-third nothing as much as you fear a number. When did this number become a become number this did When number. a fear you as much as nothing isSuchstupid. Which a stupid fear, to fear twenty-three. never had to turn searing brand in the nape of my neck? Probably the day he hung himself himself hung he day the Probably neck? my of nape the in brand searing just another one of his dumb pranks, so he could jump out and scare me. scare and out jump could he so pranks, dumb his of one another just himself like that. like himself tarnish would he thought never I again, then But that. like number lucky ab te wnytre hita lgt ub rie ae ut twenty- just are bruises bulb light Christmas twenty-three the Maybe if those twenty-three light bulbs were a mistake. Was it supposed to be to supposed it Was mistake. a were bulbs light twenty-three those wonder if I Sometimes, games. his of all during visible was it sure making from the mantle. Wrapped his mother’s favorite Christmas lights twice twice lights Christmas favorite mother’s his Wrapped mantle. the from selfish ways, I paused. Selfish, they’d call him, but he was never selfish. selfish. never was he but him, call they’d Selfish, paused. I ways, selfish bruised around his neck. There were twenty-three bulbs to be exact. be to bulbs twenty-three were There neck. his around bruised back. But all I did was selfishly count, count, selfishly was did I all But back. twenty-three, I’m nineteen. But I would stay nineteen forever if it meant I meant it if forever nineteen stay I would But nineteen. I’m twenty-three, that haunts me. haunts that be Maybe then. I’ll Maybethebetter twenty-three number in four years birthday it’sme. mymaybe Or twenty-third haunts year this three three twenty-four? I knew it wasn’t though, as he would never tarnish his tarnish never would he as though, wasn’t it knew I twenty-four? always ten, was he since shoes basketball his on engraved number the thought weren’tthought loved thefair, and selfishly people no one wouldever love around his neck and fell, the impression from the bulbs will be forever forever be will bulbs the from impression the fell, and neck his around at least there were only twenty-three that I obsessed about. about. I obsessed that Twenty-three were twenty-three only there at least a fit of rage when people call him selfish. As we sat in a church for his for church a in sat we As selfish. him call people when rage of fit a 12-13-14 9-10-11 marks from a necklace he wore too tight and that stupid coffin is coffin stupid that and tight too wore he necklace a from marks

The number twenty-four was his number, always was. He’dhisnumber, always twenty-four was had The number

To say he tarnished himself is wrong though. I still go into go still I though. wrong is himself tarnished he say To My Inadvertent Death GABRIELLE JULIA BACHOO There are twenty-three light posts on our street, street, our on posts light twenty-three are There 14-15-16 , selfishly never speak to speak never selfishly , - 2-3-4-5 2-3-4-5 stop 6-7-8 stop

stop ! hn ta h ke ntig bu m. u h ws y et red he friend, best my was he But me. about nothing knew he that Whine way the numbers do… Raheim would be disappointed in my obsession. obsession. my in disappointed be would Raheim do… numbers the way Disappointed in my fear of numbers, call me a wimp for disgracing him him disgracing for wimp a me call numbers, of fear my in Disappointed 17-18-19 death, his of much too me reminds she because mother his hated when he told me what to do. At another point in time, I’d complain knew everything about me. Andknew now, everything I for wish more nothing to be than he’d thing first the and advice horrible gave usually Raheim grief. my in selfishly question God’s intentions to punish the people who “tarnished” “tarnished” who people the punish to intentions God’s question selfishly for hours, cursing at him and telling him to go be someone else’s father. father. else’s someone be go to him telling and him at cursing hours, for themselves. able to accept his horrible advice and move on. and advice horrible his able accept to I line. stupid that hating away, him shove I’d on.” “move was, say always 20-21-22

Most days I don’t say his name. It exposes my new reality the my reality new It exposes name. I don’t his days say Most

23 . , and and ,

LONG RIVER REVIEW VOLUME 21 59 GLORIANA GILL ART AWARD

Defense Mechanism 4 Silver Gelatin Print

ELIZABETH ELLENWOOD

Souls Screenprint

MADELEINE BUGBEE the one in which I learn to say goodbye Digital Photograph

KALEIGH RUSGROVE

Saguaro Acrylic on Canvas

KACEYLEE KLEIN Abandoning thegatesthatprotectyou. Because wineandloveexist,it’strue, Do notgiveup,pleasedon’tsurrender Running throughobstaclesanduncoveringthesky. Do notgiveupbecauselifeisthat, Do notgiveup,you’restillontime Living lifeandacceptingthechallenge, continuing thejourney, celebrating lifeandretakingthe skies, opening thedoors,removinglocks even ifthesunhidesandwindfallssilent, even iffearbites, even ifthecoldburns, disrupting time, letting theguarddown,andextendinghands, recovering laughter,practicingthesong, spreading wingsandtryingagain because therearenowoundsthattimecannotheal, because youhavelovedit,andIloveyou. because lifeisyours,andyoursthedesire, following yourdreams, there isstilllifewithinyourdreams, there isstillfireinyoursoul, to freetheballast,retakeflight. to acceptyourshadows,buryfears, to reachitandstartalloveragain, Translation of “No te rindas" by Mario Benedetti Mario by Translation “No rindas" of te ESTHER J. SANTIAGO RODRÍGUEZ Don’t Give Up Do notgiveup,pleasedon’tsurrender, even ifthesunsets,andwindfallssilent, even iffearbites even ifthecoldburns, because Iloveyou. because youarenotalone, because thisisthehourandbestmoment, because everydayisanewbeginning, there isstilllifeinyourdreams, there isstillfireinyoursoul,

LONG RIVER REVIEW VOLUME 21 65 V P N N atiempo estás aún rindas, No te celebrar la vida y retomar los cielos, los yretomar vida la celebrar cielo. el ydestapar escombros los correr viaje, el continuar desplegar las alas e intentar de nuevo, eintentar alas las desplegar tiempo, el destrabar de alcanzar y comenzar de nuevo, ycomenzar de alcanzar liberar el lastre, retomar el vuelo. el retomar lastre, el liberar recuperar la risa, ensayar el canto, el ensayar risa, la recuperar bajar la guardia y extender las manos, las yextender guardia la bajar porque lo has querido y porque te quiero. te yporque querido lo has porque deseo, el también ytuyo tuya es vida la porque porque no hay heridas que no cure el tiempo, el no que cure heridas no hay porque perseguir tus sueños, tus perseguir aún hay vida en tus sueños, tus en vida hay aún alma, tu en fuego hay aún viento, el calle yse esconda sol se el aunque muerda, miedo el aunque queme, frío el aunque abandonar las murallas que te protegieron. te que murallas las abandonar cerrojos, los quitar puertas, las abrir aceptar tus sombras, enterrar tus miedos, tus enterrar sombras, tus aceptar orque existe el vino y el amor,cierto, yel es vino el existe orque ivir la vida y aceptar el reto, el y aceptar vida la ivir o te rindas, por favor no favor cedas, por rindas, o te eso, es vida la que rindas o te No te rindas MARIO BENEDETTI No te rindas por favor no favor cedas, por rindas No te porque yo quiero. te porque sola, no estás porque mejormomento, yel hora la es esta porque comienzo, un es día cada porque aún hay vida en tus sueños, tus en vida hay aún alma, tu en fuego hay aún viento, el calle yse ponga sol se el aunque muerda, miedo el aunque queme, frio el aunque

LONG RIVER REVIEW VOLUME 21 67 -poor old-poor mule!- A night to fell Afternoon Th Th with sadness and dust. and sadness with dust. and sadness with I I of the water that dreams that water of the wheel eternal of the slow waterwheel. of the joined to the sadness the to joined hardened by nightfall and wisdom. and by nightfall hardened noble divine and buckets metal the in song folk common its the sweet harmony sweet the water. the in sounds that shadow of the sounds the to poor old mule! poor poet, with a wisened heart awisened with poet, and blindfolded your eyes your blindfolded and t must have been anoble, divine been have t must ’m unsure which poet, which ’m unsure fternoon fell to night to fell fternoon Translation of “La noria" by Antonio Machado Antonio by Translation noria" “La of e mule was dreaming was e mule sang e water The Waterwheel THE AETNA TRANSLATION AWARD ROBYN LEREBOURS Yo no sé qué noble, ¡pobre mula vieja!… ¡pobre mula vieja!, y vendó tusojos, El aguacantaba La tarde caía La tarde caía corazón maduro Soñaba lamula en los cangilones de sombra yde ciencia. divino poeta, del aguaque sueña, de laeterna rueda divino poeta, de lanoria lenta. que en el aguasuena. la dulce armonía Mas sé que fue un noble, su copla plebeya triste ypolvorienta. triste ypolvorienta. al compás de sombra unió alaamargura ANTONIO MACHADO La noria

LONG RIVER REVIEW VOLUME 21 69 The Meeting Digital Photograph

KATE LUONGO

Ocean Sunfish Watercolor, Gouache, Acrylic, Ink, Gel Pen

JAVANICA DAI Fluid Digital Photograph The House on the Corner Pastel BARBARA CLAYTON

DEANNA LaVOIE When that didn’t work, she retreated to sulk in the living room. I didn’t didn’t I room. living the in sulk to retreated she work, didn’t that When were sticking to my forehead. “My grandpa doesn’t want you watering the the watering you want doesn’t grandpa “My forehead. my to sticking were with us for a little while, and then she went into the kitchen and started started and kitchen the into went she then and while, little a for us with with crabby Leah, so I took the bowl out to the porch and set it on the the on it set and porch the to out bowl the took I so Leah, crabby with flowers over here.” over, I called out to him. out to over, Icalled other direction like a ballerina. My eyes caught a big white truck parking at parking Mya big truck eyes caught white a ballerina. like other direction the to got I when but shade, the in stay to planning was I tiptoes. my on line where the dark met the light, the sun had already struck my head and and head my struck already had sun the light, the met dark the where line me. She found a deck of cards in one of the kitchen drawers and played war me.played and war She one in founddrawers of a kitchen the deck of cards Bubbe, Grandpa, and Dad were gone all the next at morning an appointment machine. He plugged it into the little supply shed between the first house house first the between shed supply little the into it plugged He machine. hose his unloaded and out got gardener the as watched and closest railing up be to had I thin, were boards the Since floorboard. each on step to had I no shade on this street, no trees lining the road like they did at home, only home,only at did they like road the lining trees no street, this on shade no shade. the in railing wailing. started and it at look one took Leah gossip. to went she before me for Grandpa. One of Bubbe’s mahjong friends came over to watch Leah and and over Leah to watch came ofOne Bubbe’sfor friends Grandpa. mahjong front yard did have one prickly cactus-like tree, but it was too squat and and squat too was it but tree, cactus-like prickly one have did yard front turned and shut of the hose. “What’d you “What’d say?” shut hose. of the and turned hiss. dry a with house first frontthe of in flowerbeds of the dirt the the to porch the across back tiptoed I down. houses two corner street the talking on the phonetalking to her Bubbe friend. had nosaid ice before cream noon, almost by the little grass strip that separated Grandpa’s house from the one one the from house Grandpa’s separated that strip grass little the by almost and the second on my side of the street. Then he started it up. The water hit hit water it up. The started he Then street. of on mythe side second the and the face to spun I porch, the of edge the At going. kept just I so shoulders, acrossstarted the porch from the railing on the left side,with therule that out hang to want didn’t also I but either, strawberries want particularly short tough grass and waist-high shrubbery. Grandpa and Bubbe’s little little Bubbe’s and Grandpa shrubbery. waist-high and grass tough short but Bubbe’s friend put some cut up strawberries in a bowl for Leah and and Leah for bowl a in strawberries up cut some put friend Bubbe’s but bulbous to give any room for room beneath. shade any give to bulbous “You flowers the over water here!” can’t The man looked over at me like he hadn’t seen me until now, and then and now, until me seen hadn’t he like me at over looked man The Thesunwas out bright there, theairwith heavy, heat.was There buzzing I pushed the hair away from my face, suddenly aware of how strands strands how of aware suddenly face, my from away hair the pushed I was When he so. or minutes five come closer,him it took him I watched I counted the porch floorboards, twenty-five or so were in shade. I shade. in so were or twenty-five floorboards, porch the counted I THE JENNIE HACKMAN MEMORIAL AWARD, SECOND PLACE Watering Flowers REBECCA HILL An Excerpt “Oh,” I said, “I guess you better water them.” water you better guess “I “Oh,” Isaid, won’t have this bright red to make your grandpa’s house look nice.” look house your grandpa’s make to red won’t bright have this water coating their flesh, soaking in the humidity.in soaking flesh, their coating water me. engulfed smell rancid and a hitface, my the hose off vapor sidewalk. the on anywater getting without go inside.” in half, and rubbed it across his shiny forehead. The front of his shirt was was shirt his of front The forehead. shiny his across it rubbed and half, in heat, and I realized in horror that there was a faint perspiration of sulfur- of perspiration faint a was there that horror in realized I and heat, they Otherwise, bloom. full in stay to week a twice watered be to need if they were bad? I had the sudden certainty Dad and Bubbe wouldn’t listen. wouldn’t Bubbe and Dad certainty sudden the had I bad? were they if them andDad What too.and back Bubbeeating coming Iimagined refused. for us. She found Leah climbing the couch. I was coming back from the the from back coming was I couch. the climbing Leah found She us. for that tasted like guilt. Where was Grandpa when this man came watering? watering? came man this when Grandpa was Where guilt. like tasted that telling Leah and me to finish them. I imagined her eating them when we when them eating her imagined I them. finish to me and Leah telling “Let’s door. the toward her pulled and that, like didn’t she knew I though soaked with sweat. “You want your flowers to dry out?” “Youdry your flowersto sweat. want with soaked sitting in the sun now. They were sticky-looking, beginning to melt in the in tomelt beginning sticky-looking, were now. They sun the in sitting flowers the sprayed gardener the We as watched me,looking. by stood and me slammed. doorbehind later, screen the second as the ones out front. I dropped to my knees and clawed at the dirt beneath beneath dirt clawed at the and myto knees I dropped ones out front. the as beds there, against the side of the building, were not as neatly manicured manicured neatly as not were building, the of side the against there, beds them?” you finish “Did she asked, strawberries?” the “Where’s bathroom. but it’s humid! They dry out?” That was a silly question. silly was a That out?” dry They —but it’s“I humid! Isaid. “Wait!” “Alrighty,”the said.man He uphimreached behindtheto start again. hose “Yes, miss. And once a week the alyssum around the side of your house.” the around once alyssum aweek the And “Yes, miss. Iasked. aweek?” “You twice these water “I’ll get it,” I said. I went to the porch. The berries were still in the bowl, the in still were berries The porch. the to went I said. I it,” get “I’ll back.” gets it out before your grandma wash bowl? the I’ll “Where’s “Yeah.” water?” the “In A half an hour later, Bubbe’s friend got off the phone and came looking looking came and phone the off got friend Bubbe’s later, hour an half A When I looked back at Leah, her nose was crinkled up. smells.” “It crinkled was her nose atLeah, back Ilooked When The man looked at me. He took the baseball cap off his head, folded it folded head, his off cap baseball the took He me. at looked man The The gardener studied the flowers and then me. “These are hibiscus. They hibiscus. are “These me. then and flowers the studied gardener The The ball in my stomach twisted tighter. There was a taint in my mouth mouth my in taint a was There tighter. twisted stomach my in ball The The water fell on the flowers by the sidewalk with a dull patter. A half a half A patter. dull a with sidewalk the by flowers the on fell water The The lookedman up atit.” withus.“It’swrong thesulfur,”said, he“nothing He stopped and looked back atme. back looked and He stopped Under his gaze, my stomach had curled into a ball. “No.” aball. into curled had my stomach gaze, Under his I leaped off the porch and ran around the corner of the house. The flower The house. the of corner the around ran and porch the off leaped I Bubbe’s and friend it inside, bringing bowl up. the Iimagined I snatched “Yeah.” her head. scratched atme looked and Leah I yelped. “Itsmells!” the cloud. escape myto to left I leapt water a of cloud Then, nothing. air. smelled I moment, the a For sniffed I came She thumb. her sucking barefooted, Leah, was It look. to turned I I could see another cloud drifting toward us. I grabbed Leah’seven hand, us. grabbed Itoward I cloudcould see another drifting -

LONG RIVER REVIEW VOLUME 21 75 The site was covered. was site The with water on the strawberries, they were good for the soil. I had just just had I soil. the for good were they strawberries, the on water with what felt like a solid minute. Too long. What if Bubbe’s friend came out and out and Too Bubbe’scame minute. if felta what solid friend long. What like gardeners took care of the stuff back here. And if there was nothing wrong wrong nothing was there if And here. back stuff ofthe care took gardeners The visit. any on house, the of back or side the around walk grandparents learned about composting in science the month before; it was better to put to better was it before; month the science in composting about learned in my hands, victorious that, should it saved the come that, to down it, I just had victorious myin hands, leaves. I yanked one last big leaf off the bush and settled it over the berry. the over it settled and bush the off leaf big last one yanked I leaves. intheinupcame thebed, it theto I big pushed clumps clumps. deeper little I pulled four leaves off the bush, each stem snapping loudly as it detached, detached, it as loudly snapping stem each bush, the off leaves four pulled I family from poisoning. from family found me gone from the porch? There was dirt beneath my fingernails. A fingernails. my beneath dirt was There porch? the from gone me found them them here in than the I trash. went back into the house with the emptybowl piled the clumps back on top. They didn’t quite cover the strawberries, so strawberries, the cover quite didn’t They top. on back clumps the piled a big flower bush. The earth was dry and didn’t want to come up. I dug for Idug up. come to want didn’t and dry was earth The bush. flower big a slice, pockmarked with dirt, gleaming wetly red in the space between two two between space the in red wetly gleaming dirt, with pockmarked slice, strawberry single a see could I back. stood I Then, top. on them piled and I Then, created. I’d depression uneven the into bowl the dumped and side Read the full piece online at longriverreview.com at online piece full Read the Besides, the grown-ups wouldn’t find it. I’d never seen Dad, or my or Dad, seen never I’d it. find wouldn’t grown-ups the Besides, As her hands worked behind her head, her attention rose to the top of the of top the to rose attention her head, her behind worked hands her As was valuable to her. to valuable was were inscrutable creatures. In her twenty-one years, she’d never learned learned never she’d years, twenty-one her In creatures. inscrutable were flesh. Beads of sweat collected on her brow. Eyes closed, Camila allowed allowed Camila closed, Eyes brow. her on collected sweat of Beads flesh. aia okd h do ad xeld sg. lme o te olt she toilet, the on Slumped sigh. a expelled and door the locked Camila Camila needed to escape the reticence of her apartment. Nights, she found, she Nights, apartment. her of reticence the escape to needed Camila consciousness. It was consciousness. as if the day entire her sluggish formind remained the could continue reading, an interruption rattled. interruption an reading, continue could going to relax at a bar, suited her better than, than, better her suited bar, a at relax to going through a neighborhood with a high crime rate. crime a high with a neighborhood through this. her at ease, but the people who made it complicated the issue. Yet, issue. the but whopeople the oneitmade her each complicated at ease, kicked kicked how to handle them. Energy rattled in her gut as the rest of the world lost lost world the of rest the as gut her in rattled Energy them. handle to how have been someone, but she to herself allow be might an anyone. Before she mirror. Something had been tacked behind the frame. the behind tacked been had Something mirror. Most did not come to a college bar to mellow themselves. She forced her feet as burn could she air, outwards moved of concentration her noise, worth the all With needed. she as walls much four to limited longer No noises. her in tight Packed itself. against raging mind own her resembled closer It difference. no made not or bar a was it Whether those. like nights on Not found a handwritten note covered in a loopy script. script. loopy a in covered note handwritten a found the muted hum beyond the bathroom to flood her. The constant noise put noise constant The her. flood to bathroom the beyond hum muted the palmfuls of cold water onto her face. Skin greyed, her under eye area was was area eye under her greyed, Skin face. her onto water cold of palmfuls accumulation of uncomfortable shoes and pinching dresses. pinching and shoes of uncomfortable accumulation asked her where she’d in been, so an the her resulting bar became waypoint, I’m mind, her In hopping. bar on settled she age her Given be. her left and didn’t. she but introspection, it call could She night. at fire catching of sake unmarked. Turning it side to side, curiosity prodded Camila to open it. She it. open to Camila prodded curiosity side, to side it Turning unmarked. ponytail. a into hair black frayed her pulled She exhaustion. with bruised She splashed sink. of the front in herself addressed and hershoes into back inside. it filtered than faster burned air the bedroom, The added height of heels allowed her to reach it. A letter: the envelope the letter: A it. reach to her allowed heels of height added The naturally. come didn’t bars frequenting of practice actual the said, That and louder widerspaces with herself That’s whysurround sheto needed It wasn’t that she wanted to go out, rather she couldn’t stay inside. inside. stay couldn’t she rather out, go to wanted she that wasn’t It ” She had to wonder if she was included in this address. She may not may She address. this in included was she if wonder to had She ” off her cutinto strap heeleddress of shoes. The her her twenty-dollar The Nobodies’ Federation CHRISTIAN J. BUCKLEY An Excerpt She wouldn’t lie if someone someone if lie wouldn’t She I’m going to wander aimlessly aimlessly I’m towander going “To anyone who finds finds who anyone “To

LONG RIVER REVIEW VOLUME 21 77 was a receptacle for unburnable trash, but most of the tenants’ waste was was waste tenants’ the of most but trash, unburnable for receptacle a was would come of it. Camila’s building remained a relic from years past. Creaky and in disrepair, disrepair, in and Creaky past. years from relic a remained building Camila’s go around the back of the building to where the garbage was piled. There There piled. was garbage the where to building the of back the around go her bra; breasts made asymmetrical. She pulled her dress down where it where down bathroom. out of the walked up and bunched had dress her pulled She asymmetrical. made breasts bra; her into the air. She preferred to keep her habit near the machine in hopes that that hopes in machine the near habit her keep to preferred She air. the into would she ritual, her of part As student. university a for living ideal was it Slipping faster. herself tired She exit. an make to her pestered but inwards removed the letter and smoothed the piece of paper to read. to paper the of piece smoothed and removed letter the from the bar without notice, piqued curiosity pressed to Camila’s chest. Camila’s to pressed curiosity piqued notice, without bar the from their burning would blend. She imagined even without the cigarettes, cigarettes, the without even imagined She blend. would burning their incinerator. of the jowls the past thrown her the With itinsatiable no all bodies, nervous energy than had longer begun. turned less proved night that However, call. last a made bartender the the letter in the bar’s only bathroom. In a spur decision, she tucked it into it tucked she decision, spur a In bathroom. only bar’s the in letter the smoke would pour from her lungs. If she kept it all inside, nothing good good nothing inside, all it kept she If lungs. her from pour would smoke A knock against the door A didn’t shook; knock haveto against Camila inspect the luxury Camila took Camila the pack of Marlboros from her purse. Lit, she smoke exhaled aia end gis te ulig n rahd no e des She dress. her into reached and building the against leaned Camila Homebound, she forHomebound, the rounded to corner the her school year. apartment Her seat was gone, an expected outcome. Camila usually stayed until until stayed usually Camila outcome. expected an gone, was seat Her are a lot more intermingled than you and I are made to believe. Each day, we day, Each believe. to made are I and you than intermingled more lot a are all. after a nobody, I’m — happen could that way there’sno But garbage. their with me filled and I’d feel if see to breath my holding tried I right? Scary, stuff. bad of bunch a getting cycled out again? These days that’s how it’s feels. Like I’m soaking up soaking I’m Like it’s feels. how that’s days These again? out cycled getting To anyone who finds this, To finds who anyone swallow a little more death with our life. Wouldn’t it be interesting to shove it shove to life. our interesting with be Wouldn’t it death more little a swallow death life and I think endpoint. the to closer us brings one each but alive, stay something dirty — this is scientific!) With all these entrances, the stuff the entrances, these all With of think scientific!) is (Don’t know. you this — orifices, of dirty lot a something have humans as We specific. one who’s noticed. A big bloated slug stuffed with death — that’s me! that’s — death with stuffed slug bloated Abig who’sone noticed. I’monly the like feels it that It’s just I’m once? kidding. at all throat my down that they’re the kind you must let out. And as I said, I’veI as And said, So, feltlately. out. let clogged you must they’re the kind that is thoughts these all with trouble The though. harmless, I’m intelligible. be to understand myself either. It just comes with me; not everyone has the luxury luxury the has everyone not me; with comes It either. just myself understand I needed to write a letter. If I tried to say these things out loud they’d jumble jumble they’d loud out things these say to tried I If letter. a write to needed I in front of our noses. Kind of ominous, if you ask me. ask you if ominous, of Kind noses. our of front in better, but I got dizzy. Sometimes, it feels like I’ll explode, like someone came came someone like explode, I’ll like it feels Sometimes, dizzy. got I but better, floating around slips right inside. Invisible, there could be anything hovering hovering anything be could there Invisible, inside. right slips around floating Here’s my idea: I’ve swallowed death. Think about it, we take breaths to breaths take we it, about Think death. swallowed I’ve idea: my Here’s Now, you think probably I’m but a that’s lunatic, not it. I don’t Sometimes I’ve been thinking about air lately. The idea of breathing it, to be more be to it, breathing of idea The lately. air about thinking been I’ve So, I’ve been wondering what’s clogged in all this air. What if it’s not not it’s if What air. this all in clogged what’s wondering been I’ve So, The information there didn’t give any further insight into the identity of identity the into insight further any give didn’t there information The about the metaphorical fire I’ve decided is inside me? is inside fire I’ve decided metaphorical the about whole thing seemed too ridiculous. What reason did she have to reach out reach to have she did reason What ridiculous. too seemed thing whole was ablaze with thoughts of death swimming through the air. the through swimming of death thoughts with ablaze was couldn’t sleep at all. However, not for the usual reasons. This time her mind mind her time This However, reasons. at all. sleep couldn’t not for usual the didn’t suit the writer. Such a thing suited someone who believed there was was there who someone believed suited Such thing a writer. the suit didn’t have cleaned the stall out. She couldn’t imagine such a person camouflaged camouflaged a person such She imagine out. couldn’t stall the have cleaned responses from strangers? It was odd, but Camila couldn’t say the idea idea the say couldn’t Camila but odd, was It strangers? from responses shecouldn’t place. something was writer letter —the insane She tucked the letter back into her dress. With that, she went inside her inside went she that, With dress. her into back letter the tucked She feel burdened with something stuck inside me! I like your air idea, want to hear hear to want idea, air your like I me! inside stuck something with burdened feel h ato. ol te hv oee a ot fie o sml t receive to simply box office post a opened have they Could author. the officea somewherepost boxaddress, located downtown. a there was return to a stranger? Then there was the matter Thenthere ofwas what to shea could stranger? offer. something wrong with the air. the with wrong something or seeking Attention students. college sweat-slicked of crowd a amongst apartment. She undressed and crawled under her blankets. That night she night That blankets. her under crawled and undressed She apartment. bar that night. It couldn’t have been from any time prior; the staff would staff the prior; time any from been have couldn’t It night. that bar Ashes smeared against the pavement as she stomped out her cigarette. cigarette. her out stomped she as pavement the against smeared Ashes The initials were all the author had offered. However, further beneath, beneath, further However, offered. had author the all were initials The Read the full piece online at longriverreview.com at online piece full Read the Camila read the letter twice more. twice letter the read Camila Her grip tightened on the letter. She could write back to him. But, the But, him. to back write could She letter. the on tightened grip Her means a lot. Or maybe this all got shredded up. Maybe this letter is already already is letter this Maybe up. shredded got all this maybe Or lot. a means unappreciated mode of communication, don’t think? you communication, of mode unappreciated Perhaps this letter made you laugh at least! at laugh you made letter this Perhaps into a mess. Talking with people is difficult in practice. Letter writing is an is writing Letter practice. in difficult is people with Talking mess. a into biodegrading in a landfill. Spooky. Well, that’s enough! (For real this time). this real (For enough! that’s Well, Spooky. landfill. a in biodegrading Anyway, I’ve taken enough of your time. If you kept reading, thank you, it it you, thank reading, kept Ifyou time. your of enough I’vetaken Anyway, Whoever you are, I hope your air is clean, is air your Ihope are, you Whoever c.m. had to have been someone at the atthe someone have to been had Hello, I also c.m.

LONG RIVER REVIEW VOLUME 21 79 They beforegaveboth apologies doctor thetheirsincerest refilled youngster wings at his temples said he was going to go blind, said there was nothing nothing was there said blind, go to going was he said temples his at wings woke – but what was normal anymore? I was perched against the headboard headboard the against perched was I anymore? normal was what but – woke kitchen the behind from watched just rage, him let I for.So, lived he what Losing thing. poor enough, be wouldn’t it knew I before, day the did I way couch, or the kitchen table. He looked helike hadn't sleep at when all he walked not him, from else something take to one the be to going wasn’t I counter. over bluehis piece it until wasn’t blue then anymore, sat on stool staring his draining instead of filling me. His arms were extended in front of him, waving waving him, of front in extended were arms His me. filling of instead draining his vision meant he was losing everything he held dear. Painting was his his was Painting dear. held he everything losing was he meant vision his letting any of my own fall. His eyes were glossed over, faded from their brilliant brilliant their from faded over, glossed were eyes His fall. own my of any letting silver with gentleman older an and redhead little The said. they Blindness, into the bedroom early the following morning, way earlier than he normally normally he than earlier way morning, following the early bedroom the into new and brush strokes colora across – and canvas mixes it splashing was all kissing him and catching tears with my thumbs. with tears catching and him kissing filldrive,him buthim the justprescription, kept making notI I letting regretted not on hard focusing and thumbs my with away tears his brushing him, kissed with He noall furiously painted him,musicsplashed abehindcrimson fiery over the way drugstore, the past right drove He him. to no say nevercould just staring out the open door, the feeling of the sun through the window window the through sun the of feeling the door, open the out staring just forest into something pale and unlovable. I didn’t think it would happen so fast. fast. so happen would it think didn’t I unlovable. and pale something into forest that there was much left to take. muchto left was there that that prescription from before. It’ll stave it off said. for a she stave bit, before. It’ll from prescription that they could do. Too much bleach, He they said. looked as if he’d been slapped. pillows not bringing its usual comfort. I don’t know if he slept on the floor, the floor,the the on slept he don’tI if know comfort. usual its notbringing pillows Seeing his passion. on art the of walls house this made him feel alive, testing at the top of his lungs. I didn’t pull him towards me, I didn’t hold him the the him hold didn’t I me, towards him pull didn’t I lungs. his of top the at at it like it had done this to him. him. to done it had this at it like canvas. his to ran but all home,he At maniac. a like parked and limit speed back and forth slowly, his footsteps even slower. I pulled his face to mine and and mine to face his pulled slower.I even footsteps slowly, his forth and back “I can’t see you," he said, “I can’t see." can’t you," “I see can’t he said, “I see?” Ican’t if Ipaint can “How me?” he to asked. happening this is “Why He didn’t come to bed that night. I slept fitfully, his lingering smell on the the on smell lingering his fitfully, slept I night. that bed to come didn’t He e rv u hm, hc poal ws’ sf, u h isse, n I and insisted, he but safe, wasn’t probably which home, us drove He In his fury, he kicked the easel over and started wailing and swearing swearing and wailing started and over easel the kicked he fury, his In COLLINS LITERARY PRIZE, PROSE WINNER JASMINE SMITH Canaan An Excerpt wouldn’t be a freeloader. So, he spent his time cooped up in the afternoons afternoons the in up cooped time his spent he So, freeloader. a be wouldn’t was a stubborn little thing. thing. little astubborn was he because floor bathroom the in life his on choke him let to going wasn't colors on canvases in ways that only made sense to him and his weird art art weird his and him to sense made only that ways in canvases on colors or so some nights, trying to speak it to to speak or me. so so I trying some him, didn’t nights, want to discourage good enough, he would let me pay for the painting. I'd take it, get it framed, itframed, get I'd it, take for me painting. pay he wouldlet the enough, good a had bed, a onto him pushed She said. she bleach, much Too school. of driver's seat of my car listening to his tape of sad violin music he painted painted he music violin sad of tape his to listening car my of seat driver's I tried to keep up, nodding and pretending I understood and sometimes even even sometimes and understood I pretending and up, nodding keep to tried I what She him she teaching was English. spoke. He’d come home eight around he steadfast remained he but long, too for canvas a from away himself keep he'd kiss me and tell me I was the best thing that ever happened to him and and to everhim that happened he'd thing meme tell the and best I was kiss home into tears and see it burst onand nearly the wall left but was damn mad about it, storming out of the place, a few curses past past outthe of acurses place, few storming madabout it, damn left butwas He muchto neverthe I and doctors, him doctors. the had to same liked drag the to him pulled I spent, was stomach his when Eventually, ear. his into I'd my eyes. have wipe to Ironically, the miserable tones of the tape reminded me of his smile and and smile his of me reminded tape the of tones miserable the Ironically, made no sense to me, I still found it beautiful. When convinced one was was one convinced When beautiful. it found still I me, to sense no made my every lips few I steps. didn't in the leavelot, sat reclined just the parking I weren't wefamily. voice,because doctor prissy her in him, join couldn't I said She stay. to him ordered and oxygen on him put age her twice nurse for most of his life. He couldn’t hold down a real job because he couldn’t couldn’t he because job real a down hold couldn’t He life. his of most for tucking his face in the toilet retching. I sat with him, of course, rubbing his his rubbing of course, him, with sat I retching. toilet the in face his tucking the gleam in his eyes; and how he put every bit of himself into splashing splashing into himself of bit every put he how and eyes; his in gleam the him. of out poking tubes those with looked he howodd about thought I to. plaining his throat and stomach were killing him. He spent nearly all night night all nearly He spent him. were killing stomach and throat his plaining him. to did it is what place That understanding. actually n te to ter ris o eprmnain bt hd o ae i. I him. take to had I but experimentation, for brains their took then and people poisoned slowly they how about up cooked conspiracy had always and hang it around the house. It always boosted his confidence. He'dconfidence. come his boosted always It house. the around it hang and bleaching and pressing clothes with a little Asian lady who didn’t speak much much speak didn’t who lady Asian little a with clothes pressing and bleaching bedroom for the sleep I knew he needed. When morning came, he was was he came, morning When needed. he knew I sleep the for bedroom words comforting whispering face, his of out hair his keeping and back buddies. I reclined a bit further, thinking about how even though the art art the though even how about thinking further, bit a reclined I buddies. Read the full piece online at longriverreview.com at online piece full Read the One day, my love came home sick as a dog, all heinous red eyes, com- eyes, red heinous all dog, a as sick home came love my day, One Chlorine poisoning, said a stuffy little red head who looked fresh out fresh looked who head red little stuffy a said poisoning, Chlorine It was stupid how it happened, really. He worked part-time at the cleaners cleaners the at part-time worked He really. happened, it how stupid was It the crybaby. Then, Then, crybaby. — the

LONG RIVER REVIEW VOLUME 21 81 An absurdity without confusion, in its place divine truth. divine place its in confusion, without absurdity An e e o te rde nihr n o u itnig o e e b anyone by met be to intending us of one neither bridge, the on met We water those hundreds of below, feet hold. took hundreds spell the those water was unquestioned, devised each alone in entirely different lives, executed executed lives, different entirely in alone each devised unquestioned, was first tasting the others' tongue, voices lost in the crashing waves. Groping Groping waves. crashing the in lost voices tongue, others' the tasting first Our gritty fingers told us what the shadows hid. Soon, clumsy fingers clumsy Soon, hid. shadows the what us told fingers gritty Our churning oil black sea, we met eyes again. Together we swam to the shore, the to swam Togetherwe again. eyes met we sea, black oil churning only real thing in world. I reached my hand out to her and she, equally equally she, and her to out hand my reached I world. in thing real only She looked below. rocks the and side either on faces cliff jagged the on to rivers two swam I the entering offlat black the sound finally Her Atdistant fell. shoe the stars. and green jaw, her of crest soft the to leap ocular quite explain. In my throat, a noxious tangle of shame and embarrassment inches of steel girder at the precipice. The moon cast the bridge’s shadow bridge’s the cast moon The precipice. the at girder steel of inches an clavicle, a pronounced towards vines cotton green through crawled I like blind children, we spread our sandy fingers across one another’s faces. faces. another’s one across fingers sandy our spread we children, blind like way. the all laughing head bobbing in the double Thereinand cackling the dark. her,arms frantic night ended and the waves began. In that ebbing black, I heard it. Laughter, Laughter, it. heard I black, ebbing that In began. waves the and ended night from herfrom toe, pointed up there from my eyes moved to the hem of her skirt, Adangled flatblacksingle as to understand. I began dissipated formed. This took hold of goose bumped flesh, salted lips grew close. Absurdity, two Absurdity, close. grew lips salted flesh, bumped goose of hold took to surround us just before impact; she never let go of my hand, nor she Ihers. never goof my let hand, before impact; just us surround to seeming inthein waters wind ourof thedescent, fury the shaking the speed, wished. night the as together at all. all. at o euiu i te ald lw f t l. n ht oet se emd the seemed she moment, that In all. it of glow pallid the in beautiful so something only we were ever meant to understand. In the sand, our ears ears our sand, the In understand. to meant ever were we only something suicides death dared not touch, the absurdity of it all welded us together. us welded all it of absurdity the touch, not dared death suicides spitting, coughing water, laughter all the same. Turning to the sound, I saw I sound, the to same. the Turning all water,laughter coughing spitting, under the thrall of uncanny purpose, took it. Our commitment to the end the to commitment Our it. took purpose, uncanny of thrall the under And then, my head broke water. My eyes could not make out where the the where out make not could eyes My water.broke head my then, And We ran with it. We with ran Thein plummetwas allsomething together. itself In the seconds, we fell. In On the beach, we thought it and said it to one another. We understood understood We another. one to it said and it thought we beach, the On I approached I her,approached few to over the narrow climbing the edge of the railing Something flushed through me upon seeing her that I could not could I that her seeing upon me through flushed Something Our Modern Love LIAM THOMAS An Excerpt All down that unlit highway, almost getting hit by every car that passed by.passed that car hit every by getting highway, almost unlit that down All We oldlike Jay screamed Hawkins: The wood paneling shook as I screamed the final words. Now, I was crying. crying. Now, words. was final the I screamed as I shook paneling The wood you, I die! If I lose you, I’d die…” She broke from my grasp and flung herself herself flung and you,I’d lose I grasp mydie…” brokeIf She from die! you,I lose I If me. from away you take to want that women the all hate I yours. wound. Then, she understood. The confusion, the fear, the terror all faded faded all terror the fear, the confusion, The understood. she Then, wound. you away. I see them. You can be so naïve to them. Even when you’renot when Even them. to naïve so be Youcan them. see I away.you close. She sunk her nails into me held and her close. She menails enough to sunk tight feel the curve onto the bed, twisted onto and coiled the in onbed, twisted herself like a snake in its death throes. emerald eyes questioned me as I placed the sharp tool in her hand. her hand. in tool sharp the Iplaced me as questioned eyes emerald of my ribs on her cheek. I only loved her more for it all. loved her Ionly more on herfor cheek. of my it all. ribs if you don’tif you you… on I’m me, want aspell yours! Iput hand across my chest. I bled. Ibled. my chest. across hand hand and mirrored the incision. In the dark we wound wound. to met, dark the In incision. the mirrored and hand Puffy, upright. her yanked I hand, her Seizing her. to knees my on moved matter. It was happening. I jumped from my place on the bed and held her held and bed the on place my from jumped I happening. was It matter. from the streetlight outside. outside. streetlight the from jagged remnants of a glass lamp. lamp. glass of a remnants jagged to the understanding that illumed us. She took her blouse off before She off her took blouse us. Icould illumed that understanding the to the road, I found myself whistling. She, recognizing the tune, sang along. along. sang tune, the recognizing She, whistling. myself found I road, the at you? I see them when I’m not near you, I see them like feral animals animals animals.” feral Fucking you. like swarming them them of visions see these have I I you. around you, near not I’m when them see I you? at a diner maybe, or a quip about the cleaning woman’s queer walk. It didn’t didn’t It walk. queer woman’s cleaning the about quip a or maybe, diner a it all!” Ihate God, it. you…I hate without And them. Isee around utter a word, offering her left breast. I took the stained red glass from her from glass red stained the took I breast. left her offering word, a utter “Angel,’ I said, ‘I am yours.” Then,in oneswift motion, dragged herI bladed she asked. what?” “Wha… With my thumb outstretched as our shivering bodies meandered down down meandered bodies shivering our as outstretched thumb my With The radio played a doo-wop tune as she sobbed. “They’re going to take to going “They’re sobbed. she as tune doo-wop a played radio The Read the full piece online at longriverreview.com at online piece full Read the I picked up a piece of the jagged light bulb glass. Mounting the bed, I bed, the Mounting glass. bulb light jagged the of piece a up picked I Her eyes crawled their way to mine. “Don’t you see? My life is tied to to tied is life My see? you “Don’t mine. to way their crawled eyes Her shades the through came that light cross-cut the in cried Now,both we I answered, “Don’t you think that’s how I feel about the pigs that look look that pigs the about feel I how that’s think you “Don’t answered, I I don’t remember how it began, an offhand comment about a waitress in waitress a about comment offhand an don’tI how began, it remember h imdaey rpe te uy ls ad rse hr ad o my to hand her pressed and glass ruby the dropped immediately She H alf way across the country in a little motel, she stood barefoot in the in barefoot stood she motel, little a in country the across way alf I love you! I love you! I love you! I don’t care ***

LONG RIVER REVIEW VOLUME 21 83 When Frank Sinatra came to came town, I didn’t Sinatra know When Frank it. I didn’t know he in was Titograd, I didn’t know he knew Titograd even existed. I didn’t know what what know didn’t I evenexisted. Titograd knew he know didn’t I Titograd, wanted to get wanted home to my daughter. But I needed the money, I and believed was always changing, the chorus twisting mid-refrain, the notes caught caught notes the mid-refrain, twisting chorus the changing, always was wandered away from the the from away wandered walked a half mile from home alone, dragging a stick along the ground, to ground, the along stick a dragging alone, home from mile half a walked of a greeting, “Zdravo, Ana, zdravo!” as I walked away from my government da. Yes, I’ll take it.” Yes, take da. I’ll a of vibrato bubbling the with hey!” Ana, “Hey, sang, he after And desk. his music sounded like or what the words meant in his songs, and I didn’t didn’t I and songs, his in meant words the what or like sounded music his had to speak in Srpski, evenhad in to Srpski, to speak my five-year-olddaughter, Irena. The melody in following the twisting paths in front of me to meet my fate, however fate, my meet to me of front in paths twisting the following in meneighborhood shopkeeper waving in, girl he who“The said, supposed was clothes. in taste bad he had know lining up decimal points in columns, earning half the pay I deserved, half half deserved, I pay the half earning columns, in points decimal up lining life, that was our song, a intothewas that life, bit out Itit ofwritten a was tune. was fact, Italy Italy and the former Yugoslavia Irena liked. It was the soldiers, the ones who many verses of our collective song, that littlegirls named Irena sometimes to check coats at the concert tonight didn’t show. didn’t tonight concert You atthe job?” coats check to the want to become a castle. Anything with four stone walls, a four-four count, count, four-four a walls, stone four with Anything something castle. for much a take become didn’t it to eyes, her in but castle, Irena a that was building army thought an of square stout the was there Sure, town. to to stay in our our in stay to Irena get could I If party. Tito’scommunist join wouldn’t I because pay the figures, took her out and subtracting of adding my typing, officewas when I that apron and cooking for husband nonsense that was on was that nonsense husband for cooking and apron that of None life. was that and buildings, government in offices mothers’ their piece of sheet music, and it wasn’t just because I thought in Slovensko and and Slovensko in thought I because just wasn’t it and music, sheet of piece small, so almost thirty ago, years turned to thirty faceand soI almost him,small, back, sang I “Da, a song, to her. to a song, was castle, a was note,one than more room, one than more with anything between genres, even after Mr. Francis Sinatra, American citizen, came came citizen, American Sinatra, Francis Mr. after even genres, between And I quickly said yes in a sharp staccato. I didn’t want the job. I just just I job. the want didn’t I staccato. sharp a in yes said quickly I And song his in me to shouted commander, the boss, my that was knew I All The melody of life in Titograd in the 1960 the in Titograd in life of melody The But it wasn’t really the building or its weekly musical guests from across from across guests or weekly musical its But the building it wasn’t really When Frank Sinatra Came to Town , our one-room home in the the in home one-room our dom, THE LONG RIVER GRADUATE WRITING AWARD barakas KRISTINA REARDON An Excerpt and came to find me here, well, that was was that well, here, me find to came and s barakas did not follow a light, easy easy light, a follow not did , I left her there. If she there., I left her tv in America, America, in Vidmar, who told me all those years ago, after the war, that it would be a be would it that war, the after ago, years those all me told who Vidmar, Things like soldiers coming through and shooting people in front of you, of front in people shooting and through coming soldiers like Things you hope hope you of you.” care take worry. Iwill hn vr snl ble nie nes or as Tig Io int know didn’t Ivo Things ears. your enters noise bullet single every when see, Ana, see, here Ana, you can go church if you want, and no if problem, you not go church, could possibly love Lucy in Titograd, I wrote to Rozi because nobody knew knew nobody Rozi because to I wrote Titograd, love in Lucy possibly could out onto the paper in front of me in quick succession, in a uniformity that that uniformity a in succession, quick in me of front in paper the onto out outside but wondering how much it takes to die on the inside, and things things and inside, the on die to takes it much how wondering but outside doeditors now, now the with war? Is that what Matko has become?” Vidmar Toidea to good come to Titograd. To leave the farm. goodbye say to Rozi, to like soldiers deciding to search inside bushes, things like soldiers making making soldiers like things bushes, inside search to deciding soldiers like forerror. margin left no was I that so money, own his with typewriter a me bought and office, his he was there, there until leftwas nothing us,between atand nothing all, mz smoke into away fades then and explodes body your if wondering like things guns, like sounding Titograd in sky the in exploding fireworks like marriage until they became the same thing, as each letter emerged, running as running each letter emerged, the thing, same they became until marriage our and job my of metronome the became days, our for tempo the set keys in a cart to people in the town, people who said, “Is that what newspaper newspaper what that “Is said, who people town, the in people to cart a in items old selling father my like things five, was I when death mother’s my not could about, know possibly not could about, know not did Vidmar Ivo To everything. goodbye to not say follow Hartford. her to ink, keys leaving the faintest imprint of words I wanted to write. write. to of words Iwanted imprint faintest the leaving keys ink, in mz like officethe became Titograd typewriter when marriage ranit out of well, then you just listen radio! listen just you then well, But religion. church for go I my thanks, no say radio…I public the on word heaven Lucy, who was she even, what a stupid name that was for a was that name Lucy, she astupid even, what who was y itr rt t m aot rm h Uie Sae i te 50 the in States United the from about me to wrote sister my was that whatever or Lucy loving No husband. a haveyou when notdidn’t he be in the September of his leto? September of his year? his of areal He cad. be leto? September his of September in the be he check. andto coat my to Titograd, came he Slovensko after twice as fast and organized as the others. And the clicking of my typewriter ofas the And others. the myclicking typewriter and organized as fast twice trying to teach me. teach to trying possibly take care of. Things I didn’t want him to take care of. Things like Things of. care take to him want didn’t I Things of. care take possibly and said the Hail Mary in your head head your in Mary Hail the said and about. Things that made Ivothat leave. Things about. bargains with little girls about things they don’t know about, things that that things about, know don’t they things about girls little with bargains raid a during bush a behind hid you as foot left your on spraying blood “Ana, Ana,” he said, taking my hand as he led me onto the train. “Do not “Do train. the onto me led he as hand my taking said, he Ana,” “Ana, And he got me a job at the army headquarters, just down the hall from from hall the down just headquarters, army the at job a me got he And Rozi wrote in English, English, in wrote Rozi radio, on be music of kind what believe no Younever The sort of thing that made you keep more things from Ivo, even when even Ivo, from things more keep you made that thing of sort The Frank Sinatra? The Voice? she wrote back. What he say a few year back? That That back? year few a say he What back. wrote she The Voice? Sinatra? Frank But between the long, straight lines of text were the many things that that things many the were text of lines straight long, the between But t ant rni wo a a a, huh I huh. t a Io Ivo Ivo. was It thought. I though, cad, a was who Frankie wasn’t It Kaj pa Frank Sinatra? What about Frank Sinatra? I wrote to Rozi in in Rozi to wrote I Sinatra? Frank about What Sinatra? Frank pa Kaj daa Marija Zdrava They singThey thereis a season foreverything, even use they the didn’t see, things like not having to die on the the on die to having not like things see, didn’t — Zdrava Marija, milosti polna milosti Marija, Zdrava tv show. s . Nobody Nobody . . Things Things .

LONG RIVER REVIEW VOLUME 21 85 won't necessary." be safer." be It will Irena. with yourself can stay, but play under my desk where no one can see." stay, my butunder where play desk no one can can coats at the concert tonight didn't show. didn't tonight concert You atthe job?" coats the want only slightly.only otherwise known as Baptism. I had waited until Irena was five, until it was itfive,was until was Irena until I waited had Baptism. as known otherwise nothing, nothing was truly safe when you got back to Titograd. when you Titograd. to got safe back truly was nothing nothing, my boss said," “Zdravo, Ana, zdravo! The girl who was supposed to check check to supposed was who girl The zdravo! Ana, “Zdravo, said," boss my jumped out. “Guess what I saw last weekend!" Irena said. weekend!" Irena last Isaw what “Guess out. jumped for you." I took Irena's hand in mine. for mine. you." in Irena's Itook hand that yes, it was a baby doll. doll. ababy yes, it was that and I will strike you with it one hundred times if you talking. do if not stop times it one hundred you with strike Iwill and safe to baptize-most things were safer in Slovenia than in Montenegro in than Slovenia in safer were things baptize-most to safe said. “We will double your pay. You won't have to live in the barakas by barakas the in live to have won'tYou pay. your double will “We said. a building otherwise known as church, where water on Irena's head was was head Irena's on water where church, as known otherwise building a in Jesus, holding Mary Virgin the as known otherwise Mary, Virgin the as said, “if we can talk after the show." after talk we can “if said, baby! They put water all on my head and said-"and on my head all water put They baby! Ivo left. her ever since had with gentle been come visit. to had Kosovo, to Irena relocated been “Yes, the old doll my cousin has, the one named Marija," Irena said. said. Irena Marija," one the named has, “Yes, old my doll the cousin a voicetold her in that Irena I asked has?" your cousin doll baby that “Oh, eyes his nan-owing me, to said supervisor my Marija?" about “What “Oh, thank you," I said, pulling Irena back near my desk. “But, really that that really “But, desk. my near back Irena pulling you,"said, I thank “Oh, party," supervisor my Communist for “Ana,the youwe join like wouldto “Marija. In Slovenija! In the big house with a tower where she holds her holds she where tower a with house big the In Slovenija! In “Marija. He had her hair. smooth to down reaching asked, my supervisor “What?" myinto office,“Okay,came she but she whenMama," said, my supervisor “Okay, Irena," I when said she on knocked my officedoorafter lunch, “you “All right," I said. “After the coats are collected, we can talk." can we collected, are “Afterthecoats “All Isaid. right," good be would it think “I said. he party," Communist the “Aboutjoining “About Isaid. what?" he cake," some have can She Irena. watch to soldiers the of one get “I'll it," Isaid. Yes, take da. I'll “Da, Yes, my voice whispered inside, yes, the old baby doll otherwise known known otherwise doll baby old the yes, inside, Yes,voicewhispered my The day my boss asked me to work on the coat check, years after had Ivo asked to me check, years work thecoat on dayboss my The Read the full piece online at longriverreview.com at online piece full Read the My supervisor looked at me and then Irena, Irena and then me. then and Irena Irena, then atme looked and My supervisor did fall. not but alittle Irena's She leg. swayed I kicked Irena stared up at me. Myto her: I eyes stared havesaid Irena at a home wooden spoon Four hours later, when I was leaving my government desk with Irena, Irena, with desk government my leaving was I when later, hours Four ­bu t 1951 | Lowland Green, Indiana Green, 1951 |Lowland a boat that can carry two, and both shall row, my love and I. A ship there is, and and is, there ship A I. and love row,my shall both and two, carry can that boat a But love grows old and waxes cold and fades away like morning dew. morning like away fades and cold waxes and old grows love But violent palpitations. violent you more?” some play I’m love the as deep so not But be. can deep as deep, She’s loaded sea. the sails she flickering over the empty music stand. “Do you have the sheet music?” “Do have the you sheet stand. music theoverempty flickering in, I know not if I sink or swim. or if Isink not Iknow in, only only played the melody. cocked her head Bertie to one along. side, humming had first heard it, and sang: and it, heard first had veins. his keys. From memory, he played the opening notes of notes opening the played he memory, From keys. He began to play again. This time, at the first verse, she began to sing. By sing. to began she verse, first the at time, This again. play to began He one listen, with – music regarding her with felt kinship a always had Frank the piano keys. The resulting sound jolted themapart. jolted sound Theresulting keys. piano the softened. touch,then sudden athis she her; startled kissed her and toward tried not to embellish, to keep the song as simple and beautiful as when he when as beautiful and simple as song the keep to embellish, to not tried the final stanza, Frank thought his ribcage would crack against his heart’s heart’s his against crack would ribcage his thought Frank stanza, final the fluent. which been always had they in language a were it though as song a internalize both could they the end of piano, a peculiar look crossing her face. “I’m sorry I’m tardy. Will Will I’mtardy. sorry “I’m face. her crossing look peculiar a piano, of end the a question. “You’ve not It a to statement, dowas forsaid. wanted that a while,” Bertie “That’s terribly sad, isn’t it?” she said. isn’t she sad, it?” terribly “That’s “That’s lovely, Frank.” Bertie’s voice cut through his reverie. She stood at stood She reverie. his through cut voice Bertie’s lovely, Frank.” “That’s The water is wide, I cannot cross over. But neither have I wings to fly. Give me Give fly. to wings I have neither over.But cross cannot I wide, is water The They sat for a few moments together, until Frank leaned slightly against against slightly leaned Frank until together, moments a few sat for They O, love is handsome, and is O,love fine, she sang,andlove’sis love handsome, a jewel itwhen isnew. Frank paced around the choir room, nervous energy coursing through through coursing energy nervous room, choir the around paced Frank He sat at floatthe eyes, bench, piano his overand let closed hands his the late. minutes ten was Bertie Frank stopped Frank playing as she Herfinished. delicate werefeatures knotted. her. it to handed Frank eyes her bench, the to around came Bertie and playing stopped Frank Frank obliged, starting from the beginning. He didn’t sing that time, time, that sing didn’t He beginning. the from starting obliged, Frank She was just inches away from him on the piano bench. He leaned leaned He bench. piano the on him from away inches just was She She scanned it, still humming softly, and then nodded toward the keys. keys. the toward nodded then and softly, humming still it, scanned She SARAH PASCARELLA Riverbank An Excerpt An He He Wide. is Water The

LONG RIVER REVIEW VOLUME 21 87 — with the rhythm. He finished the opening notes. the opening He finished rhythm. the with you play that part, the different melody is all I can hear. It seems like the like seems It hear. can I all is melody different the part, that play you was everlasting. Lou’s, though, she couldn’t be sure. shebe couldn’t Lou’s, though, everlasting. was chords when Bertie interrupted him, humming something entirely different. entirely something humming him, interrupted whenchords Bertie only natural thing to sing.” to thing natural only omitted eyes, and saw only Frank before eyes, her,saw only Frank and wholly devoted he been. as had always grateful for his touch. his for grateful hear this one.” this hear Frank longed to stop playing and just listen to her acapella. to listen just and playing stop to longed Frank next time.” next his intentions, although he certainly seemed to be en route to return to to return to route en be to seemed certainly he although intentions, his was she loneliness, her In deeply. exhaled and eyes her closed Bertie lips. He was hers for if she the so taking, inThewanted. resonated herlyric mind Lowland Green, to start his life with her. And there had been the nights nights the been had there And her. with life his start to Green, Lowland his to them brought and hands her took hers, against forehead his then away,rested pulled Frank passion. muted a stirring, gentle a felt she Frank they’re not written. It’s like a natural chord progression the composer composer the progression chord natural a like It’s written. not they’re though, comparatively comparatively though, pivoted: pivoted: second go-round. Her phrasing had more attitude, her crescendos powerful. powerful. crescendos her attitude, more had phrasing Her go-round. second he however, week, the of end the Toward religious. weren’t that songs skimmed the new music, one eyebrow raised. “All right,” she said. “Let me “Let said. she right,” “All raised. eyebrowone music, new the skimmed her over. beauty,sheer win to he hoped music. outsheet some pulled something akin to whenakin something she Lou Rangeley. had kissed It was a bit tempered, eoe e et Te huh sn hr losra rcn. h oee her opened She racing. bloodstream her sent thought The left. he before declared officially hadn’t Lou her. on weighing been had uncertainty Somehow, she felt Frank’s devotion devotion Frank’s felt she Somehow, dew. morning like away, fades love but “I’ll sing this one,” she said. this sing “I’ll “What?” notes.” The phantom humming. just Iwas what “No, song?” “The she asked. that?” you hear “Do it… sing could we Maybe song. folk a It’s one? this take you “Will They ran through the song twice, Bertie’s confidence improving on the on improving confidence Bertie’s twice, song the through ran They They were in his living room; Frank at the piano, Bertie to his right. She right. his to Bertie the piano, at Frank room; living his in They were He tried He to forconcentrate tried the song’s interlude,piano and had played several along nodding listened, at her so every Bertie He often. glancing obliged, For a week, they practiced. Frank tread carefully, opting for traditional traditional for opting carefully, tread Frank practiced. they week, a For head. shook his Frank She studied her score. “I hear a whole series of notes here, even though though even here, notes of series whole a hear “I score. her studied She Now, Bertie was the one to kiss him. She held him close, feeling feeling close, him held She him. kiss to one the was Bertie Now, nodded. and sheepish, ceiling, the toward looked Frank She gave it a quick glance. “Nothing religious here, either?” religious “Nothing glance. She it aquick gave and bag his for fumbled Frank leave. to stood and time the noted She She missed Lou, there was no denying that. But in recent days the the days recent in But that. denying no was there Lou, missed She — I day as it in myhear plain head, but it’s nowhere here. Yet when Wade in the Water; Swing Low, Sweet Chariot. Chariot. Sweet Low, Swing Water; the in Wade whereas Lou had made her knees buckle, with with buckle, knees her made had Lou whereas — Through the songs’ songs’ the Through you faith?” to you think that faith is important? Can’t you see that it is everything?” it is that you Can’t see important? is faith that you think aware.” wasn’t yours.” created this music.” this created come to agreement on this…this struggle of faith, I worry for us both.” us for I worry faith, of struggle on this…this come agreement to experiment,” Bertie said. “I don’t want to insult you, Frank, but I’m just as as just I’m but Frank, you, insult to want don’t “I said. Bertie experiment,” exasperation. “I didn’t just wake up one day and come to this conclusion. conclusion. this to come and day one up wake just didn’t “I exasperation. your… in believe to inclined so be could one Perhaps Frank. something, onto again?” Would section you that play everywhere. does seem like if there were a Supreme Being, that He himself would have would himself He that Being, Supreme a were there if like seem does human ear is programmed to do, how we find complements and patterns patterns and complements find we how do, to programmed is ear human I’m flighty.” not that It this. like music with taught been had always one if leanings, religious me, Frank. The choices I make, the doubts that I have, are on my soul, not soul, my on are have, I that doubts the make, I choices The Frank. me, said. Bertie finish,” to start there, been always it had and tofitting natural his ownear, and the song much improved. Shefinished right was Bertie la’s syllables, simple used She melody. complementary new a improvising the interlude from its beginning, hoping to hear her new addition again. again. addition new her hear to hoping beginning, its from interlude the that my soul soul my that stubborn. Youfaith.” of won’tstubborn. matters me. Not in best singing, and he told her so. and singing, and dee’s, but her voice back and looped clear. and strong started was Frank “It doesn’t disappoint me, Bert. It makes me worry for you.” me worry It makes me, Bert. doesn’t“It disappoint you.” disappoints that know “I return could it That believe? youcould youfeel like make this “But…does “Yes.” “All right, I just ask you keep an open mind. You mind. open surprised.” be you may an keep ask Ijust “All right, “Regardless of your feelings, I know you’ve taken me on as a little little a as on me taken you’ve know I feelings, your of “Regardless you were.” that imply to mean didn’t “I “Don’t you think I already have, Frank?” Bertie’s voice cracked with with cracked voice Bertie’s Frank?” have, already I think you “Don’t believe?” to try, to even alittle, —just “Would it hurt theinaddif asnew melodyI’ll time, This it the beginning. from try “Let’s the what just more “Or more. little a hummed and said, she “Partly,” “As you’re of sorts?” if aco-composer When they came to the song’s conclusion, Bertie smiled. “You may be be may “You smiled. Bertie conclusion, song’s the to came they When The breath caught in Frank’s throat. “Do you really think so?” think “Do really you throat. in Frank’s caught The breath Bertie laughed, but it wasn’t mean-spirited. “You needn’t worry about about worry needn’t “You mean-spirited. wasn’t it but laughed, Bertie nodded. just eye, the and her look in couldn’t Frank sure.” ever be Idon’t I’ll if know Frank. “I’m not sure, paused. Bertie completely him, over sang Bertie in, notes few a Just obliged. Frank Frank chuckled, knowing while Bertie was stubborn, he morewas stubborn, was patient. Bertie while chuckled, knowing Frank Bertie didn’t say anything. say didn’t Bertie don’t “Why pained. expression his bench, piano the at rooted sat Frank I Frank, “No, back. hand her pulled she and widened, eyes Bertie’s know youdon’t Bertie, darling “My hand. her took and out reached He and my heart heart my and — now, that he had heard the other melody, it seemed seemed it melody, other the heard had he that now, — are yours for the taking? And if we don’twe if And taking? the for yours are —

LONG RIVER REVIEW VOLUME 21 89 voice, Us.” together. enough enough do you think those came from?” came those do you think me, Bertie. To me it was nothing short of the Divine, manifest in you. You,you. in manifest Divine, the of short nothing was Toit me Bertie. me, for today.” and you alone, heard them. They were there for the taking, and you knew you and taking, the for there were They them. heard alone, you and “Those phantom notes, as you call them,” Frank called after her. “Where her. after called Frank them,” call you as notes, phantom “Those done we’re think “I clock. the at glanced then said, Bertie “Likewise,” Read the full piece online at longriverreview.com at online piece full Read the Bertie swung the door open. “Goodbye, Frank.” “Goodbye, dooropen. the swung Bertie and you between difference essential the that’s “Then sighed. Frank my and playing beautiful your From Frank. us, “From paused. Bertie to take them.” take —to enough — were inspired was a nice memory that I liked to think about. think to Iliked that memory anice was It that. like little was I when of me reminded she cute, so was She wanted. me, Sadie!” with weird way, but it was okay. I let my sister order whatever she wanted. She wanted. she whatever order sister my let okay.I was way,it butweird worked as a pool boy at the club and I had hooked up with him a couple a him with up hooked had I and club the at boy pool a as worked courts as my sister ate her food. I stole a curly fry. acurly Istole her food. ate my sister as courts of times earlier in the summer. I didn’t really like him, but I did it when I when it did I but him, like really didn’t I summer. the in earlier times of He Oliver. into ran I walking, were we As available. both were they other, tennis the to backs our with grass the in WeCoke. sat a and fries curly got held her and led hand her out to the deep end at one I point. let her on climb her. She wore a bathing suit with an American flag design, red goggles, and goggles, red design, flag American an with her. suit She wore a bathing y ar a wt n ul. y ahn si ws tcig o y s i a in ass my to sticking was suit bathing My ugly. and wet was hair My messy, but I didn’t and I my because care, was was laughing, laughing, sister got hair My while. little a for back my on her with around swam I and me I had nothing better to better do.droveI nothing had I in dad’susinand sitmy let mysister car 4 July was it because club pool the to sister my take to agreed had I Her hair was starting to dry in the sun, it looked soft and light. and soft it looked sun, the in dry to starting was Her hair friends, it was so we could tan and talk to boys. It wasn’t as much fun. It as wasn’t boys. to talk and tan we so could it was friends, my with Now, went too. I whenever club pool the at goggles wear and fast the sun was shining. It felt good. shining. was sun the I to fast. remembered tried whenswim I was my sister’s age, I to liked swim the front seat, even though she wasn’t allowed to. It her excited. made allowed she wasn’t even though seat, front the an ice cream, and maybe even ahotdog!” maybe and ice cream, an “and I’msaid, going to I wear the my red bought with shirt own money, buy and I meant it. Imeant and “Yeah!” sister Audrey,” my with fireworks the watch could I said Mom “Tonight, “Hey, no fair!” my sister said, but she laughed and let me eat another one. another eat me let and laughed she but said, sister my “Hey,fair!” no After a while, my sister said she was hungry, so we got out of the pool. pool. the of out got we so hungry, was she said sister my while, a After At the pool club, my sister swam in the shallow end while I watched watched I while end shallow the in swam sister my club, pool the At When my sister had finished eating, I said, “Wanna play ping pong?” ping play “Wanna said, I eating, finished had my sister When I swam fast with my sister. We mostly stayed in the shallow end, but I but end, shallow the in stayed mostly We sister. my with fast swam I sister my whatever to yes said always I okay,because said and smiled I in “Come sitting. was I where pool the of edge the to swam sister My My sister and I walked over to the tables. There were two next to each to next two were There tables. the to over walked I and sister My She was babbling, and I listened to her. “That sounds awesome,” I said, said, I awesome,” sounds “That her. to listened I and babbling, was She THE JENNIE HACKMAN MEMORIAL AWARD, FIRST PLACE Fourth of July LUCIE TURKEL An Excerpt An th and and

LONG RIVER REVIEW VOLUME 21 91 we did it, I was bored and had nothing better to do, it made me feel bad if I if bad me made feel do, it to better nothing had and bored was I it, wedid you’re friends with and there are people that you’re that people are there not; and there’syou’re younobody with friends fireworks tonight?” fireworks came with my with came Rachel, friend, who would hook up John. with twoThetimes else. I knew what she was thinking. In second grade, there are people that that people are there grade, second In thinking. was she what knew I else. me, though, and it made me feel a little better. me feel it made alittle and me, though, know yet.”know I’ll see you later.” see I’ll me happy. pong ping the of sound The win. could sister my so purpose, on shots miss just know. Everybody had one purpose, it was easy. it was one know.purpose, had just Everybody too much. too it for long. about too thought to, so I got the paddles and the ball anyway. We started playing. I would I playing. started We anyway. ball the and paddles the got I so to, able silence and I felt like my sister was in the middle of it. I felt bad about it. about bad felt I it. of middle the in was sister my like felt I and silence able an easy shot. easy an ball was soothing and the look of concentration on my sister’s face made made face sister’s my on concentration of look the and soothing was ball “Hey,” Oliver said to my sister, “I love your Fourth of July bathing suit.” suit.” bathing “Hey,” love of July “I your Fourth my to sister, Oliver said said. my sister “Hi!” sister.” my little here with “I’m just “yours?” “Fine,” Isaid, going,”“How’s he asked. your day to next standing feltsister I my sudden. the of all feltI tired “Hey,” said. I me liked he afraid was I and nice, always was He said. he Sadie,” “Hey “Okay,” he said, “because I was thinking maybe we could hang out after.” hang we could maybe thinking Iwas “Okay,” “because he said, “Bye.” “Bye.” “Okay,” Oliver said after abeat.“Well, Ihave to getback to work. Hopefully, “Was that your boyfriend?” my sister asked. She hit the ball and I missed missed I and ball the hit She asked. sister my boyfriend?” your that “Was After that, I felt too tired to play ping pong but I knew my sister wanted wanted sister my knew I but pong ping play to tired too I felt that, After Read the full piece online at longriverreview.com at online piece full Read the Oliver straightened up and looked Oliver at straightened me. “Are you here coming to see the I knew I wasn’t, but I felt bad saying so. Instead, I said, “I don’t really really don’t “I said, I Instead, so. saying bad felt I but wasn’t, I knew I kids. with sweet really Oliver was beamed. My sister “It’s at me. cool.” smiled and He shrugged I smiled and there was nothing else to say. Instead, there was uncomfort was there Instead, say. to else nothing was there and smiled I He smiled at me and walked off. walked atme and He smiled I could tell my sister didn’t understand, but she didn’t ask me anything anything me ask didn’t she but understand, didn’t sister my tell could I Iknow.” someone just “No, ball. the I served - If only I had agun! Ihad If only you set a trap for it?” another blog asked. It all makes sense. But it’s so brutal. brutal. so it’s But sense. makes all It asked. blog another forit?” trap a set you “what laptop, searched, onand his upover Google desk, booted to his walked useless were them, bless God Maxwell, and Mom and him, ask can’t he so yet, clapped.neededHe just to…needed to…what down the stairs, his resolve hardening with each step. step. each with hardening resolve his stairs, the down now,right thing, right the do could He to provehimself? him for opportunity thing. A man’s gotta do what he’s gotta do. gotta he’s what do gotta man’s A thing. let it go, he had no other option. And he shouldn’t let it go. “Why else would would else “Why go. it let shouldn’t he And option. other no had he go, it let hose, someone had put it away since the last time Jackson had been here. He It’s clearly the right thing to do. Besides, Dad would do the same thing. same would do the Dad do. to Besides, thing right the It’s clearly later.” ahalf-hour come back and in, water, cage the put with can a trash Fill Jackson answers. for look to place one only was There situations. these in returned to the trash can, aimed inside it, and pushed the lever. No water water No lever. the pushed and it, inside aimed can, trash the to returned the for looked He raccoon. the of sight within it dropping garden, the into dragged it and handles its of one grabbed He porch. the of front in one, main knew she it wouldn’tfor open knew him. popular to most was method shoot it, The but Mom held did. the keys was to locker, Dad the gun and Jackson before Poison arrive wouldn’t raccoons. Control Animal and disposing illegal, humanely of ways various covered it Instead, in illegal most states, and didn’t most the animals survive ordeal The anyways. He could deal with the raccoon before Dad came home. Wasn’t the this perfect front door, but he stepped outside before she could say anything. say before she could outside door,front but he stepped to do with trapped raccoons.” trapped doto with page it was opened to, the sheriff had just arrested the mayor for corruption. mayorthe forcorruption. arrested just had sheriff to, the opened it was page stopped himself when he saw one unique blog post, “Just drown the thing. thing. the drown “Just post, blog unique one saw he when himself stopped second answer, interestingly enough, wasn’t related to the original question. question. original the to related wasn’t enough, interestingly answer, second and aloud laughed Jackson it. do to him tell to had have would one no and “A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do,” the sheriff said. “Aman’s a do,”do what gotta man’sthe sheriff gotta That’sright, Jackson peeked out his bedroom door. The coast was clear. He slipped slipped He clear. was coast The door. bedroom his out peeked Jackson the On desk. the to he’d when he’d aside book rushed the laid saw Jackson he unless But method. brutal a was that replies: the with agreed Jackson Google returned with two answers. First, do not let it go. Relocation was was Relocation go. it let not do First, answers. two with returned Google Rainclouds roiled overhead, incontinent. A spare trash can sat next to the the to next sat can trash spare A overhead,incontinent. roiled Rainclouds He realized he’d started snapping his fingers, a forgotten habit. He had just a habit. just forgotten had Hefingers, his snapping he’d He started realized Jackson thought to himself. He glanced at the computer screen. screen. computer the at glanced He himself. to thought Jackson THE JENNIE HACKMAN MEMORIAL AWARD, THIRD PLACE Summer’s End BENJAMIN ENG An Excerpt An Mom spotted him as he opened the the opened he as him spotted Mom he do? Dad wasn’t home home wasn’t Dad do? should he You’re doing the right right You’rethe doing

LONG RIVER REVIEW VOLUME 21 93 comical dance routine. routine. dance comical the to returned it, opened He closed. was it faucet; the checked He out. came can, putting the faucet head up against the cage like a gun to a man’s head so so man’s a head to gun a like cage the against up head faucet the putting can, Almost enough water… enough Almost atit. down He glanced glad. only to watch the water wash over it like a stream over a stone. He railed railed He stone. a over stream a like it over again, wash water down the raccoon watch to the only sprayed and setting, “flood” the selected options, dive under the surface. Jackson stepped closer, so the water would hit it it hit would water the so closer, stepped Jackson surface. the under dive lifted itlifted ontohis shoulder. buthisWater offshirt, ruined dripped and he didn’t head burst into the air, blinking madly and blowing fine mist out of its its of out mist fine blowing and madly blinking air, the into burst head splashing accidentally in, process. the in himself straight it dunked and over free cage his the used he tip to can; hand trash the to back it carried Jackson him. at haughtily was he that, Of it. realizing without fence the behind can trash the hidden notice. He couldn’t see the raccoon; it still clung to the end of the cage now cage the of end the to clung still it raccoon; the see couldn’t He notice. water The river. the at then cage, the at down then direction, general its in didn’ttrash right harder. raccoon up thebudge.Theto Even whenstepped he nostrils. Then, it just stayed there, staring at Jackson. staring there, stayed just it Then, nostrils. water. entering of water splashing quiet by the replaced was metal making it harder for everyone? Did it think he wanted to do this? He wanted wanted He this? do to wanted he think it Did for everyone? harder it making raccoon’s the face. into Unbeknownst to him, he’d started snapping his fingers again. He was too too was He again. fingers his snapping started he’d him, to Unbeknownst told him what to do. Then an idea slipped into his mind. his into slipped idea an do. Then to what him told the ground and picked up the cage by its handle on top. The raccoon stared stared raccoon The top. on handle its by cage the up picked and ground the some in were they if as side to side from swinging kept from They window. too, the him, watching Mom and Max saw Jackson eye, his of corner the thin hitting water of sound drumming the as listened soon and can, trash that and die! and that understand should now.it So, back turn to late too was it way, and only the to let it go, he swore to God, but he couldn’t, and he didn’t have a Thiswas gun. on. clung force, raccoon the most the it with hit water the the same spot he’d put it down. He snatched it up and let loose a steady stream should have been deep enough. He fished the cage out of the trash can and and can trash the of out cage the fished He enough. deep been have should it as long as what, care didn’t he clouds: roiling the aliens, God, something. skittered on the bars, but it temporarily disappeared under the surface. The The surface. the under disappeared temporarily it but bars, the on skittered against the animal in his mind. Why wouldn’t it die? Couldn’t it tell it was was it tell it Couldn’t die? it wouldn’t Why mind. his in animal the against behind him. him. behind busy looking for the hose. His eyes swung wildly until he found it, lying in in lying it, found he until wildly swung eyes His hose. the for looking busy fit the cage. cage. the fit The raccoon burst into action the moment the cage hit the water. Its claws water.the claws hit Its thecage momentthe intoaction burst raccoon The of Out side. one to cocked head cage, its from him watched raccoon The To be safe, he filled it until water spilled over the edge. He put the hose on on the hose put He edge. the over spilled water until it Tohefilled safe, be Read the full piece online at longriverreview.com at online piece full Read the Jackson’s stomach filled with concrete. concrete. with filled stomach Jackson’s Jackson panted. Was the hose setting wrong? He searched through his his through searched He wrong? setting hose the Was panted. Jackson He threw the hose to the ground and looked up to the sky, looking for looking sky, the to up looked and ground the to hose the threw He didn’t it but onslaught, the to head its of back the turned and flinched It Enough of the cage stuck out the top for the raccoon to breath. breath. to raccoon the for top the out stuck cage the of Enough They can’t see what I’m doing, doing, I’m what see can’t They The trash can isn’t big enough to enough big isn’t can trash The ako raie. He’d realized. Jackson The river. The He glanced was I supposed to do? Beg her to show me something invisible? I accepted accepted I invisible? something me show to her do?Beg to supposed I was that believed I way the father a had I believed I there. actually never was why she was being so insistent about it. I got it. No father. Noted. One One Noted. father. No it. got I it. about insistent so being was she why matters.” one that only the Iam that him you tell you anything, girl who wanted a father but didn’t get to have to one. get but didn’t afather who wanted girl must have been real. Maybe he was air to her, too, the kind that you could could you that kind the her, too, to air was he Maybe real. been have must birthday, tenth my it. about abig deal after made Mama But it. see couldn’t I though even air, He breathed I disappeared. then and day one there was he like wasn’t It already it. I father. no knew had I me told Mama day the deal big a such wasn’t It hated hated chickens but had to pick up chicken eggs. Theunlucky girl who didnot, Mama said. “Do you understand? If an official comes by the house and asks asks and the house by comes official an If you understand? “Do said. Mama father and your mother knows but won’t tell you. For Mama, my father father my Mama, For you. tell won’t but knows mother your and father the the flour off the shelf the way shealways didafter work. “Hejust doesn’t exist.” that having no father was just a part of who I was: the unlucky girl who girl unlucky the was: I who of part a just was father no having that see see breath in, one breath out. Invisible air. Invisible out. one breath in, breath under any circumstances, like polenta but had to eat polenta. The unlucky The polenta. eat to had but polenta like circumstances, any under “Really, Nina!” she said. “You have my last name. There is no father!” is no There “You name. she said. have my last Nina!” “Really, a have you know you when say you can else What said. I fine,” “That’s pull to ready got and apron her on tied “YouShe Nina.” don’tfather, a have I ayn ak yu te yu ut a ti, xcl: hv n father,” no have I exactly: this, say must you then you, asks anyone “If This was strange. I understood not having a father. I did not understand understand not did father. I a having not understood I strange. was This It felt like the more I didn’t ask about it the more Mama got upset. What What upset. got Mama more the it about ask didn’t I more the feltItlike like when it was cold, and your breath came out in little white clouds. white little in out came breath your and cold, was it when — like THE AETNA CHILDREN’S LITERATURE AWARD KRISTINA REARDON Nina’s Wall

LONG RIVER REVIEW VOLUME 21 95 Neon Children Peek’A’Boo Jelly Roll Pen, Paper Photograph

MATTHEW MORPHEUS JONATHAN BARTLEY GLORIANA GILL ART AWARD

Mushroom Mystery Digital Photograph Man on the Metro North COLIN DeLEO Pen on Paper

CECILIA ESTANISLAO BARBARA CLAYTON is a senior graphic design major at UConn. She has always loved photography. Recently, she began exploring the way humans communicate using only body language, to explore a more vulnerable side Contributor Biographies of herself that she hides. JAVANICA DAI is a student at UConn and an art hobbyist. Her favorite fish is the coelacanth.

COLIN DeLEO is a first-year photography student at UConn. He loves and accepts the world for what it is. The purpose of his life is to spread the beauty of the natural world through photography, so people can appreciate it enough to care for it as he does. MICHAELA ABATE is a freshman in the School of Fine Arts at UConn. She hasn't yet decided on a concentration but is leaning towards Illustration is a photo-based artist currently pursuing a Master since drawing is, at this point, the only medium she has experience with, ELIZABETH ELLENWOOD of Fine Arts degree at UConn. She has been exhibited in national museums, however, she hopes to gain experience in others. galleries & universities, including recent solo shows at the Sharon Arts Center and The Danforth Museum. LEILA AGOORA is a junior at UConn, majoring in Economics and English.

BENJAMIN ENG is a senior Physiological and Neurobiology major. He wants RICARDO ALVELO is a first-generation college graduate. He obtained a ba in to be a doctor and finds referring to himself in third-person incredibly odd. English with a concentration in creative writing from UConn.

CECILIA ESTANISLAO is a Graphic Design and Illustration student at UConn. C. PATRICE ARES-CHRISTIAN is a graduate student earning her PhD in Asian She was born in Caracas, Venezuela in 1996 and resides in Greenwich, American and African American literature. She is currently finishing a Connecticut with her family. manuscript of poetry.

LILI FISHMAN is a fourth semester English major with a concentration in GABRIELLE JULIA BACHOO is a junior at UConn, Storrs, and is pursuing a creative writing. If you ever call her name and she doesn’t answer, it’s double major in Elementary Education and English with a concentration in because she has headphones on. creative writing. She believes that teachers can change the world by piquing kids’ interest in literature and writing. CHRISTOPHER GARDNER is a sixth semester English major at the Waterbury UConn campus. He enjoys analyzing literature and novelty lamps, JONATHAN BARTLEY has been an artist for most of his life. He previously especially lava lamps, but not the kind with glitter in them; those aren’t real lived in Jamaica until he moved to America during his high school years. lava lamps. He has tried many forms of art from photography to sculpture, but he now studies graphic design. He has an eye for things that are commonly is currently a Fine Arts student at UConn majoring in overlooked. TAYLOR GIORGETTI graphic design and photography. She has also been the designer and winner of the Desk Book Directory Cover contest for the last three years from the CHRISTIAN J. BUCKLEY is currently having an existential crisis and is fond Greater Manchester Chamber of Commerce. of flamingos.

REBECCA HILL is an avid fan of pineapple themed home décor. MADELEINE BUGBEE is a senior pursuing a bfa in graphic design at UConn. She's always loved printmaking and illustration, so her design is informed is a third year student at Bowling Green State by these interests. Nature and surrealism are themes in her work and she MELISSA KARPUSZKA University in Bowling Green, Ohio, majoring in creative writing with aims to assess the past and present via these topics. minors in Latin and Linguistics. She is from the Cleveland, Ohio area.

CHRISTINE BYRNE is a junior English major at UConn and is concentrating is a PhD student in English at UConn where she studies in creative writing. She was born and raised in Norwalk, Connecticut. She MOLLIE KERVICK Irish literature. Her creative work has appeared in Knee-Jerk Magazine, The makes beaded jewelry from electrical wire in her free time. Paradise Review, Torrid Literary Journal and on Irishcentral.com. KACEYLEE KLEIN is a sophomore working on a double major in English and KRISTINA REARDON is a PhD candidate in Comparative Literary and Political Science. She has been creating art for her entire life. Creating is Cultural Studies at UConn. She holds an mfa from the University of New both a reprieve and a form of expression for her in which she can both hide Hampshire and teaches at the College of the Holy Cross. from the world and express herself in her art. ESTHER J. SANTIAGO RODRÍGUEZ is a junior English major at UConn. She DEANNA LaVOIE is a sophomore pursuing a Fine Arts degree with a transferred to UConn from the University of Puerto Rico where she studied concentration in graphic design at UConn. With a love for drawing for two years. She loves reading books, and always keeps pen and paper ever since adolescence, she realized her interest in representational art, close by in case inspiration comes. Also, she enjoys getting involved in the especially those based in nature. She has had previous works displayed in community. her local Town Wide Art Show and the Berlin Fair Art Exhibit. KALEIGH RUSGROVE is an mfa candidate at UConn. She earned her bfa ROBYN LEREBOURS is a second semester math major. She loves to travel and from Endicott College in 2014. Her current exploration in photography is hopes to someday be a high school math teacher. focused on the development of fabricated narratives and the constructed image. KATE LUONGO is a UConn freshman studying English. She lives in Newtown, Connecticut and loves photography and creative writing. Her MATTHEW MORPHEUS was born June 17th, 1987 in Ukraine. He owns dream is to be a children's book author. several international awards and is the author of two techniques in abstractionism. ERIN LYNN is pursuing her PhD in Poetry at UConn, where she also teaches English. She holds an mfa in Poetry from Columbia University, and an ma BEN SCHULTZ is an 8th semester Digital Media and Design major with a in Irish Writing from Queen’s University, Belfast. concentration in creative writing. He thanks lrr for getting him on track to become a meme. McCARTHY MacDANIEL is 1 of 6 children who doesn’t get enough attention. MATTHEW RYAN SHELTON is a PhD Candidate at UConn. His dissertation AMANDA McCARTHY is an aspiring plant whisperer and french toast work focuses on translation and translingual practices and the role they connoisseur. Her goals involve a secluded treehouse in the forest, an play in poiesis, or “poetic making." illustrated poetry collection, and finding a beach grandma. JASMINE SMITH is a slightly eccentric jack-of-all-trades. She is an English JIM McGAUGHEY has worked as a carpenter, caseworker, lawyer, and major at UConn who works too much and has way too many hobbies. She disability rights advocate. Along the way he met many remarkable people. is most familiar with theatre and playwriting but hopes to expand her tool Recently retired, he now has time to tell some of their stories. belt through wild exploration.

BRIANNA McNISH is a third-year Honors student studying English at UConn. CLAIRE STANKUS makes paintings of seemingly ordinary and discarded Her fiction previously appeared or is forthcoming in Hobart, Necessary objects to capture the essence of an overlooked moment. She earned a bfa Fiction, Split Lip, among other places. She is most definitely a cat person. in painting from Syracuse University in 2012 and is currently working towards her mfa in Studio Art at UConn. KELSEY MILLER was born on the island of Antigua, earned a ba in Studio Art from Wellesley College and is currently teaching printmaking at UConn LIAM THOMAS is a fourth semester English major at UConn. He is an avid while completing her mfa. horror fan. His writing is mostly genre fiction, specifically horror and science fiction. SARAH PASCARELLA is a Boston-based writer and editor. Her fiction has appeared in Embark, ink&coda, and The Quotable, among other publications. KAYLEE THURLOW is a UConn senior English and Secondary English She has a Master’s in Writing, Literature, and Publishing from Emerson Education major with a concentration in creative writing. When she’s not College, and is currently working on a novel. writing, she’s reading or going for long walks by the water. LUCIE TURKEL is a UConn freshman pursuing an individualized major in Comparative Literature. In addition to writing, she has a passion for photography, music journalism, and New York City.

ZO WALLICK hails from Norwich, Connecticut and is a painting and printmaking student at UConn. Having come from a tumultuous adolescence, Zo's work contemplates childhood, trauma, and memory through the use of intense color and familiar subject matter.

KATHRYN WARRENDER is a second-year ma/PhD student in the English department at UConn studying Rhetoric and Composition. In addition to writing non-fiction, Kathryn enjoys spending time with her fiancé and two cats: Katze and Koshka. Colophon

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