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An Inconvenient Loss of Faith: a Theological Novel

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An Inconvenient Loss of Faith: a Theological Novel 1 Copyright © 2021 Martin Thielen Scripture quotations marked NRSV are from the New Revised Standard Version of the Bible, copyright © 1989 by the Division of Christian Education of the National Council of the Churches of Christ in the U.S.A. Scripture quotations marked NIV are from the Holy Bible, New International Version. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 International Bible Society. Scripture quotations marked NKJV are from The New King James Version. Copyright © 1979, 1980, 1982, Thomas Nelson Inc., Publishers. Cover art: The Incredulity of Saint Thomas by Guercino (Giovanni Francesco Barbieri): oil on canvas, 1621. Used with permission.g 2 DEDICATION To doubters everywhere who resonate with the words of scripture, “Lord I believe; help my unbelief!” 3 Contents Part One: Searching for Graceland 1. Weeping at the Divine Grave 2. Ambushed 3. Necessary Ending 4. Possible Opportunity 5. Hardheaded Woman 6. Worth the Wait 7. First Sunday 8. School Days 9. Unexpected Call 10. Three Questions 11. Private Loss 12. Honeymoon 13. Worst-Kept Secret 14. Pickup Chapel Service 15. Haunting Question 16. Welcome Back 17. Bad Religion 18. Professor for a Day 19. Happy Anniversary 20. Hard Request 21. Fred’s BBQ 22. Three Options 23. Bend or Break? 24. First Stone 25. Meeting God at the Movies 4 Part Two: Losing My Religion 26. Uncomfortable Visit 27. Caves and Canoes 28. Week from Hell 29. God on the Gallows 30. The Death of Providence 31. Hell House 32. The Scale 33. Christmas Truce 34. Weekend in Atlanta 35. “But Some Doubted” 36. Favorite Verse 37. Ten Percent Christian 38. The Rocking Horse 39. September 11, 2001 40. Final Blow Part Three: With a Little Help from My Friends 41. Moving Day 42. Descent 43. It’s Called Grief 44. Let the Healing Begin 45. Back in the Saddle 46. Job Offer 47. Blest Be the Tie 48. Deconstruction 49. Reconstruction 50. Pick the Fruit and Burn the Rest 51. Unexpected Invitation 52. Guest Preacher 5 Preface Thank you for your interest in An Inconvenient Loss of Faith: A Theological Novel. Before you begin reading the story, I’d like to make several comments. First, if you feel secure and comfortable with traditional faith and church, especially conservative evangelicalism, this novel will not be helpful to you. Instead, it will likely prove troubling. However, if you struggle with traditional beliefs and/or institutional religion, I created this story about Reverend Paul Graham for people just like you. Second, Paul Graham’s unorthodox faith journey is certainly not the only way to resolve religious struggles in the twenty-first century. Nor is it necessarily the best way. It’s just the way I decided to construct this particular narrative. My hope is that Paul’s story will serve as an engaging and helpful vehicle for you as you attempt to navigate faith in the modern era. Finally, before you begin the novel, I recommend that you read the author interview. It provides important background information that will help facilitate your understanding of the story. To read the interview, click here. Martin Thielen Cookeville, Tennessee January 2021 6 Part One Searching for Graceland 7 Chapter 1 Weeping at the Divine Grave On his forty-fourth birthday, after officiating at the funeral of one of his closest friends, Reverend Paul Graham drove home, walked inside, pulled off his clerical collar, and fell into his brown leather recliner. He picked up his journal, then took the Montblanc pen out of his shirt pocket—the pen the congregation recently gave him on his tenth anniversary at the church. He wrote, November 8, 2001: For a person in my profession, losing faith is damn inconvenient. Although Paul intended to write more, he didn’t have the mental or emotional energy, so he set his journal aside. He looked out the window of their southern city parsonage and watched leaves fall from the massive oak tree in the backyard. A few minutes later he lifted his tall, lean body out of the recliner and walked to the stereo. He opened up his extensive record collection and pulled out Don McLean’s classic, American Pie. Although music was rapidly shifting to CD, Paul still preferred the sound and ritual of vinyl. He carefully laid the album on the turntable and turned it on. He placed the needle on the feature song, sat back down in his recliner, and listened to McLean’s words of disillusionment from three decades earlier, when Paul was just a teenager. Near the end of the song, Paul quietly sang along with Don McLean as he spoke about a sacred store, broken church bells, and God the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost skipping town on the “day the music died.” The old familiar tune and lyrics stirred him deeply. Finally, giving in to the emotions of the day, he began to weep. 8 Paul’s wife Sarah arrived home about 5:00 p.m. A few minutes later their two teenage daughters walked in the door with a large supreme pizza in hand. Given the sad circumstances, everyone agreed to forego birthday celebrations. However, Sarah did present Paul with his birthday gift, 1, a greatest-hits compilation by the Beatles. She went to the trouble of procuring the British vinyl edition. Some clergy liked to collect books. Paul collected records. During dinner, Sarah and the girls complimented Paul on Sandra’s funeral service that afternoon. The four of them spoke a long time about their close family friend. A generous helping of tears and laughter made their way into the conversation. In spite of his melancholy, Paul appreciated the table talk. Later that night, Sarah told Paul, “I’m going to get ready for bed.” “I’ll be there soon,” he replied. A few minutes later, Paul went to the bathroom, looked into the mirror with his blue eyes, and combed his wavy, sandy-colored hair. He willed himself to brush his teeth and wash his face. He then walked into the bedroom and climbed into bed with his wife of twenty-two years. “So, how are you doing?” she asked. “Not so well.” “Tell me what you’re thinking.” “I’m thinking I’ve been losing my faith for a decade, the death of ten thousand cuts, and today felt like the final cut.” 9 “I’m so sorry, Paul. I know today’s funeral was brutal.” “The hardest ever,” he conceded. “But it was just one more log on the raging bonfire of doubt that’s been devouring my faith for years.” Paul paused for a moment. “I’m not sure how much longer I can do this, Sarah.” “It’s OK. You’ll figure it out.” “I’ve been trying to figure it out for a long time.” “Do you want to talk about it?” “No. I’ve talked it to death. It’s time for me to make a decision.” “If you decide to stay, I’ll support that, as always. But if you need to quit, you can. I have a good teaching position at the university. We have savings. You’re smart and capable and can find another profession that’s a better fit for you. Whatever you decide, we’re going to be fine.” Paul gently caressed her long brown hair, then her forehead and cheek. He said, “I don’t deserve you, you know.” “I know,” she replied matter of factly. They both laughed. Unable to stay awake any longer, Sarah gave him a goodnight kiss, turned off the lamp, and quickly fell asleep. The clock on her nightstand softly illuminated Sarah’s face as she slept. As he thought about her unwavering love and support in the midst of his faith and vocational crisis, Paul thought, although I doubt almost everything I once believed, I still believe in you. Unable to sleep, Paul slipped out of bed, put on his robe, and went to his study. Although he rarely prayed anymore except professionally, he tried to do so, but the 10 words wouldn’t come. He put on his reading glasses and opened his top desk drawer. He pulled out a quote that had haunted him since he first came upon it a few months earlier. He wrote it on the back of one of his church business cards. Somehow that felt like the appropriate place to write the quote down, a cruel metaphor of sorts. He read the troubling quote over and over. Each time he did, he felt a piece of his heart and soul rip. The quotation came from a book called Conversations at Midnight, written by the twentieth-century poet Edna St. Vincent Millay: “God is dead and modern men gather nightly around the divine grave to weep.” Paul sat at his desk for a long time, overwhelmed by spiritual and vocational existential angst. He thought about his baptism, seminary training, ordination, and his work as a minister for over twenty years. His eyes filled with tears. How in the world did it ever come to this? Finally, Paul wiped the tears from his eyes, replaced the poet’s quote into his top desk drawer, and went back to bed. He slept very little that night. At 5:00 a.m., he quietly got up and walked to the kitchen. After brewing a cup of coffee, he stepped into his office and turned on his laptop. For the second time in his ministerial career, he began to write his letter of resignation. 11 Chapter 2 Ambushed Ten years earlier, in the spring of 1991, the board of deacons at Trinity Baptist Church gathered for their April meeting.
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