Racism Is a Joke by Asa Butcher

the e-magazine issue 18 / 2006 “Only takes one tree to make 1,000 matches

Only takes one match to Monthly and thematic publication of the burn a thousand trees” Ovi magazine

- ‘A Thousand Trees’ by the Stereophonics

Chameleon Project Tmi

Issue 18 20th December 2006

Editors: T. Kalamidas - A. Butcher

Advertising Ovi magazine Issue #18 - Two-years BIRTHDAY [email protected] /3 / Life undercover - By Thanos & Asa /4 / Editorial - By Thanos Kalamidas /5 / Posts Submissions & Comments by Thanos & Asa /6 / Editorial By Asa Butcher /7 / Posts & Comments [email protected] by Asa Butcher /8 / Comic - By Thanos & Asa /9 / Issue 1 - Three men and a dead line Issue 2 - Racism Issue 3 - Women’s Power Cartoons - By Thanos Subscribe to Ovi magazine /17 / /25 / /28 / [email protected] Kalamidas /29 / Issue 4 - Crime /33 / Issue 5 - Graduation /38 / Issue 6 - Parenthood /43 / Issue 7 - Luck /47 / Issue 8 - Ate /54 / Issue 9 - Religion /58 / Issue 10 - Time Use our content /62 / Issue 11 - Computers /66 / Issue 12 - Sexuality /72 / Issue 13 - Radio Waves /76 [email protected] / Issue 14 - Promises /81 / Issue 15 - Boundaries /86 / Issue 16 - Copycats /92 / Issue 17 - Blogs © Copyright CHAMELEON PROJECT Tmi

the e-magazine issue 18 / 2006

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How many dpi? CMYK or RGB? The first two years POSTS By Thanos Kalamidas comments Thinking of these two years of Ovi took us a few hours to recover and company of Jan Sand and his & magazine, it is like a great ad- nowadays every time we have a endless adventures of the mind. Two candles: Make a wish! venture of the mind and it might technical problem our motto is: a Most of all, it was the satisfaction By The Ovi Team sound like a cliché, but Ovi mag- week or a few seconds? of doing what we love most and azine is like a kid for me and its we have put a lot of effort into it. We have had some very difficult Two years old; can you believe it! Thanos and growth was just like a kid grow- moments as well that included This is a funny thing, through these Asa certainly can’t, which is why they have ing. personal attacks, such as “This is two years we have done a lot of produced this birthday issue PDF. One of the first meetings with just a hobby, when are you going things and added many new parts Asa and John talking about Ovi to grow up?” or even better, “Who in Ovi; from political, social, envi- Contained within these pages are all the covers and magazine was in my house with the hell do you think you are!” both ronmental and cultural articles to all the cover stories from our seventeen monthly is- my daughter being only a few coming from dwarves of a certain cartoons, short stories, poetry and sues of the Ovi magazine beginning back in De- days old. Actually, I have a photo degree of intelligence. They never photography, yet still we often feel cember 2004. This PDF is a stroll down memory lane, from that day with John looking stopped us. that we haven’t done as much as glimpses of the past, slices of nostalgia, well you get shocked and scared carrying a we wanted to and we still make the picture. baby so young. new plans all the time by coming theoretical being about time and since we had be- out with all sorts of ideas. This is fur- Ovi magazine has also become known for its outra- come so theoretical we dived into computers in is- Looking back over these two years ther proof of how much we love geous and innovative front covers, which is why for sue eleven. there have been many moments what we are doing. our second birthday issue we are honored to have when we were thrilled with our cre- one Miss Sarah Beetson design something out of the Our biggest improvement till now Controversy became a buzzword at Ovi maga- ation, there were moments when ordinary. zine, so issue twelve was about sexuality with some we were angry with the problems over these two years, with a lot of help from Tony Watts, was the very…interesting articles that made Asa’s mother a and there were other moments Sarah is an English fashion-based illustrator who lives bit worried! Issue thirteen was all about radio and in- which I can laugh at now, but ‘Daily Ovi magazine’ - a real test and works in Melbourne, Australia, and her work re- to our capabilities and will. Now in troduced Thanos and Asa’s Ovi Bad Boys Radio Show back then I was a nervous wreck. flects her energy and innovation. We are sure you that you can hear online via the special pages on its fourth month, it has been con- agree that the energy of Ovi has been captured One of the hilarious moments the Ovi magazine front page. necting us with more friends across sensationally in our front cover. Thanks again, Sarah! worth mentioning happened dur- the globe. You can see more of her work at www.illustrationweb. ing these days exactly two years Issue fourteen made us consider the difficulty of We have plans for the future, big com/SarahBeetson ago. After going to the provider In addition, we had to deal with keeping all our promises, since all the difficulties plans, but, after all, Ovi magazine with a CD with our new site and somebody who tried to steal the found us during that period, and issue fifteen tackled was never something small; one For the contents of the magazine we included the all the material, we found out that whole Ovi concept and we dis- boundaries because that is one of our biggest diffi- new concept and an old one to editorials from the very first issue that clearly express there is a technical problem that covered, even though he thought culties living as immigrants in a foreign country. Issue improve, plus to be more active. our dreams. The second issue was an alternative needed correcting otherwise no- he knows everything, that we had sixteen was dedicated to the people who worked so Ovi project is a result of our beliefs view of racism, followed by the third that was about body would be able to see the first idiotic copycats like Jone Nikula hard to copycat our ideas and finally our latest is- and ideals for which we stand, women’s power and life. Issue number four fea- issue. and his laughable attempt to imi- sue, number seventeen, was released just after we such as fighting racism, prejudice, tured crime, including genocide and wars, and then tate the whole Ovi concept. went daily; number 17 was a special for our blogger Asa and I stood lost in front of the domestic violence, environmental came the fifth about graduation, with articles about friends who help us so much. technician and his assistant who However, nothing can compare destruction, war and more. The education and mainly life after graduation. The sixth were trying to explain what we did with the joys Ovi magazine has other new concept…well, you will was about parenthood, since Asa had just become 17 cover stories, 17 covers, a few editorials and a few wrong and trying to find a solution given us. It’s not only the joy of know soon. a father and Thanos’ daughter was celebrating her special bits are contained within the pages of our when the assistant exclaims, “I got creation, it is not only the joy of first birthday. The seventh issue was about…luck! I can’t help comparing my daugh- birthday issue, so sit back and imagine Thanos and it!” Very seriously he turns to Asa knowledge and the recognition, ter with Ovi magazine, since they Asa blowing out the candles on their huge chocolate and I, then says, “There is a solution but it is the joy of getting to know Number eight was a pun with ‘ate’, so it was all about both started seeing the world and chip chocolate cake covered with chocolate icing but you have to take one very dif- people from all around the world, food, although we still have serious doubts whether still they walk around full of ques- discussing the next issue of Ovi’s monthly PDF…what ficult solution: you either change either from their writing or their anybody understood the joke; one thing for sure, tions for the unknown. They both will it be? every file yourselves, which will comments and mails. Sometimes many found it a taste issue. Issue nine was our first always need to hold our hand, take you… a week, or you let me these small comments become a on religion because we feel that we have so many they both learned to talk and be Stick around and find out! do it in…two seconds!” The man good friendship like the one with more things to say that another religion issue will heard and the adventure has only was serious and he really thought Eva, a Finnish girl who lives in Ire- come soon; we manage to cause some contro- just started! that he had given us a dilemma! It land, or the much-appreciated versy though. Issue ten was more…academic and Two candles on the cake POSTS By Asa Butcher &comments Facts about Ovi Ovi Poem 2006 It has been two years since I daughters, I have moved a cou- vourite Euro-traveller, was there By Asa Butcher penned my opening editorial ple of times, my Grandma passed at the very beginning with his ‘I’m 1. They open for issue one of Ovi magazine away, I have seen Paul McCartney Just Sayin’’ column and American inwards, out- in concert, I had read dozens of stance on the world and he is also Festive greetings to you all and since then a great deal wards, side- Thin and fat, short and tall, books, watched countless movies, in our thoughts as Thanos and I ways, up and has happened. No prejudice over creed or race I have won a couple of arguments split his slice of chocolate cake over, up and with my wife…okay, one…and too between us. John, we miss you Because Ovi readers have good taste “I was once asked by a friend down, round much more to mention here. and…mmm, this is good cake…. how it is possible for me to write and round, Many of the memories are now what was I just sayin’? You’ve logged on daily to our site so easily…I believe it is because and automati- I love what I do. I am motivated cally. Read opinion about wrong and right Anyway, Ovi is still going strong af- by writing and entertaining peo- We’ve roasted Turkey and mocked Mahmoud ter two years. No surprises really ple. I have no motivation for ped- Some of it has been quite rude with the quality team of contribu- dling my fat ass on an exercise 2. It took a seven-man team to opertae the tors we have submitting work on a bike but give me a topic and I automatic doors in Star Trek. We hope Ovi has made you think regular basis and the fresh outlook will happily burn a few calories 3. The trim around the door frame is called we have now that we are daily. And you’ve given us a reciprocal link typing at the keyboard. My fin- the architrave. The best result of Ovi becoming 2006 has been hard work gers have an hourglass figure.” 4. Doors were first invented by the medievel a daily online magazine is that Even for someone like Captain Kirk ‘An hourglass figure’, what a beau- postal service. my fingers are looking positively tiful turn of phrase, even if I do say 5. Jehovah’s Witnesses are magnetically anorexic through the calories they Thanos and Asa may head the team so myself. Yes, it has been two drawn to them. burn tapping at the keyboard But our contributors are the cream years since I wrote those sentenc- 6. Most people knock on doors in the musi- every day. es in my debut editorial for issue 1 cal note G Without their help and support of Ovi magazine and what a dif- Ovi daily would soon abort What will the next two years hold in ference a couple of years makes, 7. How does an Native American lock the store for Ovi magazine? What will huh! door to his wigwam? A big thank you to each of you I be writing for the fourth birthday 8. Doors do not come pre-numbered. Our readers, our team; the Ovi crew closely associated with Ovi editorial? Knowing me, it will be December 20th 2004 witnessed 9. Swing doors really prefer jazz. through articles inspired by their probably littered with quotes from There’s nothing more for me to say the launch of the combined 10. Door guilty of murder! It’s an open and occurrence and it has also meant all my previous editorials, just like Except Happy New Year and come back every day dreams of Thanos, John and my- shut case. that I can go back and relive this final paragraph summarising self in the form of a monthly online 11. Jim Morrison never actually made a those moments through my writ- why we started Ovi: magazine called Ovi – you know, door. ing. I am sure Thanos is writing his Finnish for door, pronounced ‘Of- 12. The door at 10 downing Street was not memories and nostalgic nuggets “We are writing and maintain- vee’. It has become a word that always black. in his editorial, so I will leave him to ing this site because we want to buzzes about my head every day, 13. A doorknob is not sexual appendage his own devices, but I will say that I be known. We want to become it has influenced my favourite col- for a door. am also intimately familiar with his either famous or infamous. We ours to now include orange and it memories through his writing and want to be able to afford a lap- still as close to my heart as the day 14. Ireland’s famous for Paddy o’Doors our near daily meetings over the top to go and write outside while we uploaded our work to www. 15. A key works better than ‘Open sesame!’ past two years – I have no idea the sun is shining. We wanted to ovimagazine.com. 16. Would you say a crazy door is un- how many cappuccinos and have a website with our work and hinged? paninis we have had together. we have done it. What have you Two years have flown by faster 17. Doors hate ‘knock-knock’ jokes. done recently?” than the Starship Enterprise at Warp 18. Doors are emotional; they really like Sadly, we were unable to share speed 9 and we are still exploring to open up. these moments with the third Well, what have you done re- strange new worlds, namely blogs, 19. Doormen are not doors with arms and founding member of Ovi who is cently? and they were pretty alien back legs. currently in Indonesia, I think. Mr in 2004. Since the launch of issue 20. There are no doors on the moon...yet. John Pederson, Wisconsin’s fa- one, both Thanos and I have had And then we saw the light! Suddenly we were all aware of our re- sponsibilities and the work to be done!

the e-magazine issue 1 / 2004

And what we had just done.

It was a dark rainy night

And we were criminals

Provokers, a controversy to their ethics

We were …editors… And it was a door called Ovi magazine!

by Thanos & Asa Editorial

the e-magazine issue 1 / 2004 For the last two months I tried to Asa, John and I met a few months ago As I mentioned in the beginning, the obvious grammar mistakes, not in dis- come up with an idea of what I’m go- and somehow the chemistry worked. three of us represent different opin- respect of the language but respecting ing to write for the first issue of the We are the same and so different at ions, different cultural backgrounds the thought and the uniqueness of the Ovi magazine. I kept making drafts the same time. I have enjoyed long and different ages which makes a writer. but none satisfy me - one thing is for political conversations with John and good cocktail, occasionally an explo- sure: the why. The Ovi e-magazine is cultural jokes with Asa. sive cocktail. Part of the Ovi magazine is another born of a real necessity. Not the neces- in-magazine with the name “Le Me- sity of another internet magazine, an- Both native English speakers even The Ovi magazine reflects our per- teque” and it means “the emigrate” other opinion, or another alternative though coming to John, Asa and I have sonalities and our ideas. It is politi- in French. In this in-magazine we are artistic opinion and contemporary some objections, he is native Ameri- cal in the sense that we have our po- going to talk about our experiences stand, but as a live portfolio for peo- can speaking and that’s how we first litical ideas and they are influencing on moving country, the difficulties we ple who want to show their work and met whilst I was making him angry our writing but they will never be the had to face and how we solved prob- their ideas. joking about his Americanisms. Asa magazine’s line. As a magazine we are lems. In this part, a number of friends is working to create his own style but not going for or against anybody but are joining with their experiences and One measure of the success for people, the sure thing is that he has his own to quote Balzac: “I’m going to defend opinions with the hope that will be who are involved in the media world, accent and when we first met I could your right to say whatever you want.” able to communicate things it took a writing or designing, is how often understand less than half of the things And we want to have your opinion on bit for us to learn. your work has been published, when he was saying and to make it worse our articles. We want your opposition and what reaction it provoked. And I’m not native English speaking, even to our ideas because that’s exactly The Ovi begins modestly but we this is what judges you for the real though I have spent a big part of my what built the democracy Socrates strongly believe that it will grow from world. When you just finished college life in England. So I have my natural dreamed. day to day. We are planning to start your only past is inside the very school Greek accent that confuses them both with monthly issues but we hope to magazines which don’t really count as or provokes many linguistic jokes Of course, there are certain issues update it every time we have some- experience but more as warming up from their side. we are against in principal. We are thing to say. before the reality comes. against racism, any kind of racism. Asa and I live in Finland which means We are against any kind of prejudice. We merely ask your cooperation so To become a journalist or an art-di- that we definitely have no former ex- Unfortunately prejudice is something this project will become a live portfo- rector of a magazine is a long journey perience in the local media and our that expands from race and religion lio for all of us and a place to exchange and part of it is to create a unique per- personal past doesn’t count since it to sexuality, beliefs and appearance. thoughts and ideas. sonal style. The only tools you have obviously happened on a different We are against any kind of fanatics, are your brain and constant read- planet. John lives in the States which our society suffers from fanatics. We Thank you ing, anything from sports magazines makes it more challenging to create are against violence, especially the to comics, everything that helps you something through the net and corre- one that starts inside the house. Thanos Kalamidas to understand and evolves your own spond from the other side of the ocean. Last, the name Ovi came from the style. The days when Ernest Heming- But that is what we trained for, that’s Finnish language and it means ‘door’ way was writing in a newspaper when what we love and that’s what we want since the Ovi project represents a he was only sixteen have long passed, to do for the rest of our lives. number of doors for us. A door to ex- nowadays the first question you get in pose ourselves, our work, to commu- an interview is what degree you have So an e-magazine was the natural nicate and to escape if necessary! and where else you have published next step since financially we couldn’t your work. And coming to the degree, afford the publication of any other The Ovi magazine is going to be in we manage all right but coming to the kind of media. Ovi will become our English since the English language, last published article…hmm, I think live portfolio. It will become our free after poverty, is the only global thing for me it was in the last century in a stage to perform what comes natural- at the moment. We are going to pub- different language. ly to us. lish articles or letters sent to us but we are not going to correct them, except Editorial

Following those weeks after Christ- places but I still didn’t believe that for door) is to get our work and names about jobs and whom I write for and mas and New Year, when the decora- they had truthfully enjoyed my work. known throughout this global world. the stranger revealed that he had read the e-magazine issue 1 / 2004 tions are returned to the attic and you The root of my problem laid in the We want a living, breathing portfolio a few issues, one of which contained are sick to death of mixed nut selec- fact that I found it straightforward that highlights the unique talents that a funny story about hating tea, which tions, you suddenly realize that your to write something and believed that each of us possess. I realise it isn’t fair just happened to have been written by new trousers from Aunty aren’t exact- anybody could do it. to Thanos and John to be mentioned yours truly. ly fitting you comfortably. You resolve in the same paragraph as me but then to exercise and return to your former My eyes were opened to the fact that the world isn’t fair – you may notice I There is nothing better than feed- slender physique, so you scour the ‘not everybody can do it’ while proof- no longer have literary self-esteem is- back, of course positive is always New Year Sales for a cheap exercise reading submissions for a magazine sues. Sincerely, I hope to borrow, steal nicer than negative but with either bike and set yourself a rigorous exer- in Finland. Many of the early articles and learn from their experiences and at least you know that somebody had cise plan. Summer arrives, the bike were terrible, they were hard to read, opinions in all aspects and continue to taken the time to read and respond to has a thick layer of dust and Auntie’s featured blatant plagiarism, had no better myself in the eternal quest to your work. We want you to become present is still hanging in your ward- beginning or end, and frequently gave locate my style and establish myself involved with The Ovi and to tell us robe. me a headache trying to sort them among the literary greats. what we are doing well and areas out. where we need to pull our socks up. “What has this to do with anything?” Am I drunk on my own self-impor- The Net is a free for all medium where I hear you grumble, well I was once It was while working on the magazine tance or is it just my brand of self-de- you can post your views and opinions, asked by a friend how it is possible that I met a Greek named Thanos and preciating humour, which has served a forum where I can say, “I totally re- for me to write so easily and so well like all great romances we had a rocky me well for years – a personal neces- spect your thoughts but you are fuck- because he had a nightmare trying to start to our relationship but love con- sity when you run like Mr. Bean and ing wrong!” compose an article of just one thou- quers all. Okay, I am lying but we have a ‘unique’ name. I love to take sand words. After careful considera- have become very good friends and he the piss out of myself and to try to find We are writing and maintaining this tion I tendered a response to his ques- has helped me to believe in my writ- the humour in any situation, this has site because we want to be known. tion, “I believe it is because I love ing ability and set my self-confidence enabled to make friends easily and We want to become either famous or what I do. I am motivated by writing on the road to recovery. Thanos has my personality has been described as infamous. We want to be able to af- and entertaining people. I have no an incredible ability to instil the belief infectious, which is probably a good ford a laptop to go and write outside motivation for peddling my fat ass on that you could rule the world if you thing. while the sun is shining. We wanted an exercise bike but give me a topic put your mind to it, I don’t have any to have a website with our work and and I will happily burn a few calories megalomaniac traits yet, although I My primary interest in people has al- we have done it. What have you done typing at the keyboard.” My fingers am delving into media avenues never ways been their stories, experiences recently? have an hourglass figure. before considered. and the anecdotes that they bore everybody with a thousand times. I be- Asa Writing has always been an obses- The other third of the Ovi team is Mr lieve this comes from growing up in sion in my life and when I enrolled at J. Pederson, Wisconsin’s favourite a household where stories eventually university the restraining order was Euro-traveller and the nicest Yank I became the joke. My Dad is teased lifted leaving me free to pursue it with have met this year. We picked John to whenever he begins to tell a story to a passion. One issue that had haunt- join our team because he told us that my wife that we have all heard before ed me all my life was the belief that he was always picked last at school and now this has reflected back on me I wasn’t very good at…err, anything. and our hearts went out to him; he’s with my wife joking that if something My athletic confidence was dented the also quite intelligent when it comes to goes wrong at least I have a story to first and only time I attended school politics and Italian scarves. My aim tell later - a healthy outlook on life if football practice wearing a fluores- as a Limey (Englishman) is to teach you want my opinion. cent yellow shell suit and later my John the rules of cricket, repeatedly parents jokingly compared my run- tell him to ‘queue’ and not ‘wait in Articles I currently write are pub- ning to Rowan Atkinson’s Mr. Bean. line’ and generally follow the current lished in either a small local Finnish My lack of self-confidence spread trend of getting on the case of Ameri- paper, a monthly Helsinki magazine through all areas of life including my cans. and on its website, so my work is out writing. Often I would show a piece there already being received and com- of work to a friend or family member Depending upon the order you have mented on. In fact, one day I met a and they would offer positive feed- read our editorials you will or won’t friend for coffee and he brought along back and laugh at the appropriate know that the aim of The Ovi (Finnish a friend of his. We began talking Editorial

the e-magazine issue 1 / 2004

(Chicago, 06/04)—It’s comforting frigid water and gasping. I emerged leave my expectations in the dressing mor to the world and open the door to know that whoever and wherever from the icy hole as naked as the day room, and jump right in, no matter for honest and intimate cross-cultural you are, you and I have at least one I was born (a mere 21 years earlier in how cold the water or uncomfortable dialogue. Where this initiative will thing in common: we’re both won- beautiful St. Cloud, Minnesota, where the situation. This attitude served lead is anyone’s guess. But hopefully dering just what this Ovi magazine is people are sane enough to merely fish me well as I braved everything from it won’t be as painful as a plunge into all about. I’m tempted to answer this through holes in the ice) and scurried “humpa” karaoke (a strange Finnish icy water or as embarrassing as the question by confessing all my hopes back to the sauna with the urgency of combination of a polka music and pop naked sprint back to the sauna. But and aspirations for this three-manned a true foreigner. ballads), to pickled herring on toast. who’s to say. odyssey into online journalism (if we And it’s this same adventurous spirit can call it that). But years of Batman After the burning sensation wore off, that drew Thanos, Asa and myself to- If there’s one thing Yankee learned reruns have taught me not to reveal a I started to think about how—just a wards one another and towards the abroad, it’s that expectations leave lit- plot for world domination before it’s few hours earlier—I was celebrating concept of an online magazine. tle room for inspiration. So let’s just hatched. the first day of the New Year back in leave the Ovi open and see what hap- Minnesota with friends. It was hard The exact form and trajectory of this pens! I arrived in Helsinki January 2nd. to realize that I was now somewhere project has yet to be finalized, but a Merely hours after stepping off the outside of Helsinki, Finland recover- few months ago we decided to give Cheers, Efharisto and Kiitos plane, I found myself poised to take ing from a polar plunge. I certainly this momentum a name, The Ovi a plunge into a frozen lake. Before didn’t anticipate this excruciating in- Magazine (Ovi is Finnish for “door”). John realized exactly what the hell I was troduction to my semester abroad. But The plan was to expose our opinions, about to do, I was floundering in the I learned quickly how to strip down, concerns, skills, personalities and hu- the e-magazine issue 2 / 2005

@T baloney U Do I Don’t S#&T Happens EVERY YEAR WE FIGHT TO Escape END RACISM iFormat fART And we will keep on ﬁghting until we do. ﬂash Racism is a joke By Asa Butcher

“There was an Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman and they walked into a joke…” Don’t worry, it isn’t racist or prejudice if an English- man, Scotsman or Irishman is telling it, or is it? Today it is bloody hard to work out the boundaries of humour; when does a joke become offensive to somebody?

I’ll try to be careful writing this article because I don’t want to be called a racist. I’m not racist – my best friend’s a limey red-coated pommy bastard…a.k.a. British. Here is the ﬁrst complication that de- rogatory terms and jokes raise. I am British/English and am perfectly allowed to use these terms quite freely about my fellow country- men.

Other nations can escape criticism when insulting the Brits, such as Americans, Australians, the Irish, Scots and also French and Germans, because we share a common cultural and historical animosity that has lasted centuries and has led to the terms almost losing their bite and becoming nicknames. This issue shares similarities with African Americans permitted to call one another ‘nigger’ but should an Ahab use the term then it is severely frowned upon.

Q. What’s the difference between the English and a jet engine? A. A jet engine eventually stops whining.

How do the English react when other cultures laugh at us or poke fun at our way of life, such as the British comedy sketch show Good- ness Gracious Me? The show features sketches about Indian culture and pokes fun at the English from their point of view, such as mim- icking the antics of drunk Brits in an Indian restaurant. The show attracts huge audiences of all backgrounds but could you imagine a 21st century primetime BBC show that had the opposite idea?

Goodness Gracious Me’s Mr ‘Everything Comes From India’: The royal family? Indian! Have arranged marriages, live in the same house and all work for the family business. Indian! A change in what is accepted in humour is a sign of the over-cautious times we live in. You can’t say that, you can’t do that, what happened to the days of comedians like Bill Hicks? Hicks joked about blowjobs, the joys of smoking, pornography and so much more; not only was he incredibly hilarious with subtle and complex humour, he was intelligently challenging the very fabric of society and that moved him beyond being offensive to the majority.

Bill was threatened after a show by three God-fearing thugs who said: “Hey buddy, we’re Christians, we don’t like what you said.” “So forgive me,” he answered.

Raising an issue within society through humour or gently mocking another culture for its peculiarities is one way of dealing with the issue; the problems arise when jokes are laced with hatred and dehumanising terms. Often ignorance, a lack of understanding or claiming it is the norm are trotted out as excuses, but, in defence, some are quite funny. No one section of society escapes ridicule, everybody has endured a joke at their expense at some time in their life, jokes were told the day after 9-11, Princess Diana jokes were told, the war in Iraq has many and even tsunami jokes made the rounds via text message.

How many Iraqi’s does it take to screw in a light bulb? Four. One to screw in the light bulb. One to claim that they’ve actually screwed in 300 light bulbs. One to claim that they’ve unscrewed 150 American light bulbs. And one to claim that they’re screwing and unscrewing light bulbs for the Palestin- ians.

How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one, but he does it from 30 miles away using laser targeting, and at a cost of $800,000.

Is that fair? Both sides are equally mocked and, I think, no harm has been caused. Humour is a human defence mechanism and living in a multicultural society, we must learn to laugh at one another and ourselves. Jokes can be a source of alternative education and, used properly, it relieves tensions.

It feels as though being white is the new minority and it is incredibly difﬁcult to suddenly change your approach to the world after years of playground joke telling. When I was growing up it is embarrassing to think how many jokes were told about the Ethiopian famine. I am not alone in this and many of my generation were desensitised, in a manner of speaking, to the cruelty of the humour.

Currently everybody is in a state of near panic over what they can say after years of saying whatever they want, perhaps the next generation will find a balance between the two. It is hard to believe that as a white straight man you can find yourself Sorry about that pro-smoking joke. I am now in the position where I should include a feeling like a minority and feeling as though you need to apologise for being what witticism about all minorities so I am not accused of being prejudiced against any one you are. I guess that telling the occasional racist joke is one form of venting the particular group… stress at the situation we are finding ourselves battling each day. Disabled and racist: Vacancy: Wanted a disabled black gay lesbian to fill immediate position… Stevie Wonder is asked how bad it is to be blind. He replies, “It could be worse, I could Vacancy: Wanted an obese ugly arrogant and stupid employee needed to… be black.”

Should an employer advertise a job vacancy but upset somebody with an –ism Homosexual: then they may find themselves facing a discrimination charge. It doesn’t get any Three gays in a Jacuzzi and a condom floats to the surface. One says, “Ok, who fart- easier because if the disabled black gay lesbian arrives for an interview and does ed?” not receive the position then they can claim any number of discriminatory reasons – perhaps the employer just thought they were an absolute wanker. Sexist: Why did the woman cross the road? More to the point, what was she doing out of the No! You are not allowed to personally dislike any ethnic or physical minority kitchen? now because you will be labelled with one of those –ist tags. When did em- ployers lose the right to choose who they want to work with based on their Middle East: personality, skills and that certain je ne sais quoi? On the other hand, what does Why are camels called “Ships of the Desert”? Because they’re full of Arab semen. the disabled black gay lesbian feel when they get the job? Do they feel as though they were chosen for the job because their skills best suited the job or are they Finland: there to fill minority quotas and make the company look good? How many Finns does it take to change a light bulb? Zero, they can’t do it. When they notice the bulb is glass and there are threads on it, they spend the rest of the night Exasperating, frustrating and outright confusing are a few of the words that im- trying to open it. mediately come to mind, while there is also no end in sight. Every joke is going to offend somebody, no matter how innocent it may seem: Religious: What’s the difference between Jesus Christ and an oil painting? You only need one nail Big chimney says to little chimney: You’re too young to smoke. to hold up a picture. Sorry, that is enough. However, if you smiled at any of them, and I tried to pick some of the worst, then you are just as bad as the rest of us. Join us in battling our demons, at least in public, and, now I come to think of it, isn’t all this a case of censorship and freedom of speech…but that is another story. the e-magazine issue 3 / 2005

“Daddy, loves Mummy. He kicks her, punches her, shouts nasty words and makes her cry. And Daddy loves me. He burns me, slaps me, locks me in a cupboard and calls me a failure. I hate love.” By Asa Butcher

Name the top five movie villains of all time? No menstrual hormonal rubbish, something like Nurse in Species, supermodel Slavitza Jovan’s Gozer in Ghost problem,Ms. Darth Vader, Hannibal Lector, Gollum, Khan Mildred Ratched inVillain One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. - she was a second generation American with Finnish Busters, Carrie’s Sissy Spacek and her telekinesis, and the Joker, but where are the women? Do you She was a character that men and women could both maternal grandparents. Rebecca Romijn-Stamos’ shape-shifting Mystique need testosterone to be capable of master villainy? loathe, unlike Demi Moore in Disclosure and Glenn from X-Men and The Exorcist’s Regan MacNeil are all The silver screen has had its fair share of feminine Close in Fatal Attraction, which terrified every single Lady villains from original screenplays are not that barred from claiming the crown. nemeses, antagonists and megalomaniacs with deep- man, while Rebecca De Mornay’s nanny in The Hand rare. Jeanne Tripplehorn in Basic Instinct, two from Kill rooted evil desires. That Rocks the Cradle that sent the shivers down every Bill (Daryl Hannah and Lucy Liu), Barbara Stanwyck in Bond has also served up anti-heroes that become mother’s spine. Double Indemnity, while Madonna in Body of Evidence good in the end, such as Honor Blackman’s feisty Pussy Villainesses are a rare breed but when they appear, was just plain evil in her acting. However, each of these Galore in Goldfinger and Grace Jones’ asexual May it makes women with PMT appear like the Virgin Film bitches have serious psychological problems characters paid for their crimes with their life, a prison Day in A View to a Kill. Bond has had plenty of practice Mary. No amount of chocolate, self-help books or caused by inhaling the acetone in nail varnish. Compare sentence or nudged back into the recording studio. How between the legs of women, but he never faced death pampering will cure these individuals; the courageous Jennifer Jason Leigh in Single White Female and Nicole many ‘get away with it’? until Famke Janssen’s thighs attempted to crush him knight in shining armour would rather slay them with Kidman’s ambition in To Die For to the psychopathic in GoldenEye or Rosa Klebb’s knife-in-a-shoe attack in his sword. The question we must ask is ‘Who’s the tendencies of Kathy Bates in Misery and they are left Male villains rarely escape punishment before the From Russia with Love. The World is Not Enough featured uber-villainess?’ Which of these could chill your blood looking like cherubs. Academy Award-winning Rebecca credits roll, so what chance do the girls have? Maintaining the best Bond villain, Sophie Marceau’s Elektra King, with, “I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice was Hitchcock’s best, helped by the mind games that the equality is Catherine Zeta-Jones in Entrapment who which made a refreshing change from megalomaniacs Babycham” or a Norma Bates shower scene? Judith Anderson’s Mrs. Danvers inflicts upon poor Joan escapes but didn’t kill anyone, while in Chicago she did stroking white pussies. Fontaine. kill someone and does get away it, as does her co-star In over 20,000 movies, how many female villains Renée Zellweger. Joan Cusack in Arlington Road rides It would be intolerable to skip the villains with which have made your skin crawl? I am well versed in the The line of human decency and moral adherence has into the sunset with Tim Robbins and All About Eve’s we grew up. Our childhood innocence was pulverised world of movies and know I can tackle this question been crossed; we are entering the dark side of the Anne Baxter leaves a trail of emotional destruction in and real psychological damage was inflicted. The Wizard with ease. Criteria eliminating the candidates of evil soul. Few of these women have killed, except boiling her wake achieving her goal. That leaves only one… of Oz’s Wicked Witch of the West was terrifying, but needed to be intricate, infallible and incredibly insane; the occasional innocent pet rabbit. Before we judge she was the Fairy Godmother compared to Return you just have to trust my judgement. the solo queens of evil, we should pay homage to Kathleen Turner in Serial Mom is the ‘uber-villain’. She to Oz’s headless Princess Mombi. Disney has much the female accomplices that earned their stripes in a fulfils the credentials and is the ultimate baddy, with the to answer for, with Wicked Queen Grimhilde’s apple Many female anti-heroes are the victim of male gruesome manner. contradiction of being an anti-hero. Not only is she a delivery service (Snow White & the Seven Dwarfs) and actions and are seeking unadulterated revenge - Lorena psychotic serial killer, she is a loving mother who only Cruella De Vil (101 Dalmations) insanely driving her Bobbitt style. The empowered duo of Geena Davis and Juliette Lewis in Natural Born Killers and Kalifornia has her family’s best interests at heart. There is no regret car directly at the viewer – I shudder even now. Susan Sarandon in Thelma and Louise, Uma Thurman in does terror-ific work as a sidekick to any enthusiastic or remorse. While at the end of the movie, she is a free Kill Bill, Nancy Fowler Archer in Attack of the 50 Foot serial killer, while Faye Dunaway’s portrayal of Bonnie woman and, the piece de resistance, she kills a female The road to ultimate female villain is winding to an Woman and Michelle Pfeiffer as Catwoman in Batman Parker in Bonnie & Clyde had to have inspired Miss juror who pronounced her innocent. Can you get any end, as we approach the turning for outright insanity; Returns are examples of their inner conflict of good Lewis in NBK. Comics have produced many partners more evil than that? Well, can you? the moment when a woman becomes a cold-blooded and evil. The only female anti-hero that doesn’t fit into in crime, with Uma Thurman (again) in Batman & Robin movie killer. The recently released Monster, starring an obvious category is maternal Mindy Sterling’s Frau as Poison Ivy and Superman II’s female Kryptonian Charlize Theron as Aileen Wuornos, is a great, almost Farbissina in the Austin Powers trilogy. criminal Ursa. perfect, candidate. It is based on the true story of America’s first female serial killer and does not win These anti-heroes have enslaved our hearts, but Ursa and Poison Ivy are technically aliens or mutants because of its lack of originality; we want an original now we want the definitive bitch. We want some real from other worlds and are not counted among the villain, although some sympathy should be offered cold-hearted bitchiness, none of that diluted pre- truly immoral humans. Likewise, Natasha Henstridge fArt the e-magazine issue 4 / 2005

Viagra When I was a teenager in ‘70s, it was just a case of Parts of this last category are the parents and semantics the distance of having fun and committing a the teachers, if you are ready to blame them. The crime. It was very naïve and stupid blaming everything teachers are miserable underpaid lumpen middle- on rock and roll in the early ‘50s and ‘60s, just as it is class workers with huge loans and worries for an the same blaming Marilyn Manson today. unknown future.

Before the 20th century, you could really talk about Fourth is the future, and the future looks very underage crime because you could identify what you dark for young people. From their teenage meant by ‘underage’. Even more, you have to identify years, they know that money brings money what you mean by ‘kids’, when 14 and 16 year olds and the honest working way exists only in the were part of the productive society working in mines novels. They have seen parents and surrounding and factories, drinking in pubs with the adults and losing everything, including dignity most of all, taking part in adult social life. especially on a Friday night when they try to forget their misery with alcohol. If you don’t have Nowadays, underage is under-16 and that’s why the the right connections, the best you can get with crime is punished in juvenile courts with very few a PhD in the best university is the position of an exceptions; from my side I can only compare what office clerk in the private sector. They know that happened in my time with what’s happening now. the old motto ‘money doesn’t bring happiness’ doesn’t really work without the addition, ‘but it Firstly, in my opinion this is good that an underage bloody helps!’ crime is getting more coverage. Of course, the media are not all naïve and helpful, they try to sell more but Fifth are immigration and race problems. The still it helps people’s awareness of the problem. They black and Hispanic community in the USA, plus In 1987, California’s Office of Traffic Safety warned are overdoing it by interviewing terrified young kids but the Arab and African community in Europe, suffer that an “alarming population trend”- meaning more I use as a reference the United States, since it seems, it makes you think what’s going on around you. Back more from unemployment and isolation, while the teenagers - would increase highway deaths and drunk- from what I have been reading, that scientists, police and in the ‘60s and ‘70s, this was very rare and I think the kids have to do something different most of the driving accidents. From the early ‘60s, Marlon Brando institutions are taking the problem more seriously. I don’t society then, including the media, was too eager to cover time, maybe even bully if they want to survive in a and James Dean starred in films that were about the want to say that these things only happen in the USA. I a crime story when a kid had committed the crime. The suspicious and often hostile society that they more rebellion of youth and how it wasn’t far from committing have lived for the last three years in a country that boasts underage crime was a taboo and, a familiar reaction, often don’t understand. serious crimes. of being the most secure country in the world, already society preferred to ignore the problem than talk about I’ve heard about two incidents. it. There are far more excuses and differences but there is one main reason, at least in my opinion: Secondly, it is the overpopulated urban area. This Boredom. Marlon Brando and James Dean were comes because of unemployment in the countryside bored in these films and they wanted to attract and the poor level of life, since everything happens in some attention. That led them into crime. How the big cities including a chance of a job. As a result, many times has it crossed our mind when we were Underage crimes people live in overcrowded apartment blocks with the kids to ‘punish’ a teacher without thinking that kids spending most of their free time in front of artificial the ‘punishment’ would result in a crime? We said By Thanos Kalamidas screen games. Again, I don’t blame the computers and before that everything is a case of semantics; how the game consoles for that; on the contrary, I have far is the distance from spaying his car with red enjoyed some of these games myself. paint to actually getting a machine gun to shoot him? Third is that society used to have the rich and the Since the ‘60s and now, the group The Boomtown Rats One was a group of teenage boys who killed an elderly poor, or if you prefer the proletariat and, in the middle, Underage crime did exist for long time, the recorded I Don’t Like Mondays and Aerosmith recorded couple and hid the bodies in a forest and the second was a middle-class representing mainly the strong civil difference is that now we are aware of it and we Janie’s Got a Gun, both songs were inspired by kids who a suicidal young man who travelled around Helsinki with servants and the small business owners. After the ‘70s, should do something to prevent it. These kids didn’t stop at drinking alcohol and driving. a bomb inside his rucksack before it finally accidentally we have the distance between rich and poor becoming are not criminals, they are bored. Dispirited kids detonated inside a shopping mall killing innocent people huge, an indebted middle-class transforming into a demanding hope and attention, this is where you Every year a sudden news story breaks and then shocks and himself. hopeless middle-class depending upon banks and should start. It makes me angry when I think that a us with kids running and screaming, pictures of a school plastic money, plus a homeless and hopeless working millionth of the western population holds enough and the reporter finally informs us that the age of the I’m not going to blame television, cartoons or heavy class. Finally, the distance of becoming middle-class to money not only for themselves, their families and gunman was aged 12, aged 13, aged 14… An American metal music for these underage crimes, and I’m definitely homeless is very short and is up to the bank manager. probably another ten generations, but enough to criminologist talks about “A Teenage Time Bomb”, not going to say that ‘back then it was much better’. give hope to the whole globe. blaming the demographic rise in urban areas. Actually, I think it is just the same on a different level. Imagine a future in which cows are the e-magazine issue 5 / 2005 extinct. Imagine your children can only see them in books. Imagine you could have done something to save them. Don’t wait until it is too late.

Act now and protect our planet. Graduate with finesse Failing education

By Asa Butcher By Thanos Kalamidas

Graduation was great…both times. The first time must have either we needed that expensive A4 certificate. The local mayor Graduation and the difficulties young people are facing was is that competition between new graduates has become ruthless. been so much fun that it demanded repetition and, to the horror of had been shanghaied in to the honour of shaking hands and pre- original theme, but a news story caught my attention and con- Twenty-five years ago, when I graduated from college, a Bachelor my parents’ finances, it was achieved. Participating in two gradu- senting the said piece of paper, but he was to bring his own form vinced me to totally change what I was going to write. of Arts’ Degree was important and a Master of Arts’ Degree rare. ation ceremonies allowed me to experience two sides of the day, of amusement to the graduating masses. He was a pervert, a ful- When a 19-year-old girl in UK got a low grade for her Latin Nowadays, it seems to me that everybody has an MA – maybe the first was fraught with nerves and the second had him antago- ly-fledged, card-carrying perv, who physically turned around to A-levels, instead of blaming herself, bad luck or wrong timing, soon you’ll get one with a Happy Meal. nizing his friends’ nerves. check out every female arse that walked passed. she decided to prosecute the school for poor preparation and she’s Working in an international company in the mid-eighties, I dis- asking for compensation of £150,000. covered that in the company’s central warehouse there were 42 Upon the completion of my Higher National Diploma, we were My first walk across the stage was multi-skilling at a profes- Her logic is very simple. Her expensive school cost around employees with an average age of 26, which included two Ph.D.s, awarded with a graduation ceremony complete with gowns, mor- sional level. The hat was wobbling, the masses were staring, £12,000 a year and, according its brochures and advertisements, four MAs and, I think, eight BAs. The senior management had an tarboards and a single sheet of paper that involved the GNP of a cameras were clicking and whirring, the stage was a mile wide it guarantees good preparation, good grades and success for the average age of 46 and no Ph.D.s. small country. My Mum, Dad and girlfriend (future wife) attended and Mayor Pervert stood with a sweaty hand extended, but I was future. That the young woman didn’t succeed with her grades The first thing we noticed was that unemployment leads all this joyous occasion each complete with camcorder, cameras and the only one to give a wave to my fans. They cheered and began proves that the school didn’t do its job and didn’t fulfil its ob- these young graduates to do any job just to have an income, while full make-up (my Dad). chanting my name until… ligations, so her future as a lawyer in the City is in danger; this from the other side companies face a Masters tsunami finding new grade might stop future law firms from giving her a chance or ways to pick the right ones. After trying interviews, physiologi- I sit here seven years later attempting to recollect this day, with Anyway, there were no casualties to gravity and no filmic mo- even interviewing her. So she’s asking for this compensation for a cal tests and then school-style tests, they ended up checking the three beers being slowly absorbed into my liver, trying to distin- ments of streaking, so it was out to the fresh air and a hundred supposedly future loss of money. grades from the final exams and A-levels. guish between the nostalgia and the reality. That day my hair was photo opportunities. Once we realised a litter bin was my side- However bad or comedic the whole thing sounds, it is a scarily Another thing is the cost of this education and in many cases perfectly gelled in place, but strangely, I had not used gel; due to kick, the exterior location was swiftly moved to a refuse-free true because this case can become a legal precedent for a huge the idea that people buy, very expensively indeed, their education nerves, even my hair follicles were stressed. locale and a mini photogenic nightmare was avoided. The next number of similar cases. If the idea was hers then she might have which makes it natural to ask a return if the result is not the ex- photo opportunity is one that will stay with me forever, due to the difficulties as a lawyer but she will definitely have success in pected one. The whole thing began in east Europe during the late- It brings a wry smile to my lips to look back at that fresh-faced unbridled joy rapidly replaced by terror. marketing, since she managed to do the unbelievable. She trans- 70s when, in exchange for a few of the much-needed US dollar, young urchin stepping upon the road of life, but then I tell myself formed school exams into a product that demands a certain guar- you could get any degree you wanted from Bulgaria, Yugoslavia, not to be influenced by Charles Dickens and the alcoholic nostal- We have all seen the scene in the movies when all the happy antee. That’s fine when it comes to a television set or a car, but Hungary and even the former Soviet Union. gia. The day scarred me, the prospect of walking across a stage in graduates throw their mortarboards to the heavens, but they edit when it comes to school, except the legal issues, we have to face Most of the time these degrees weren’t exactly ‘guaranteed’ but a dress, balancing a square hat on my head scarred me, the idea out the part when the rented mortarboards, with reinforced metal ethical issue too. the story continued in two ways, either the big number of private that my education was over scarred me; it was scary day. corners, spin to earth like ninja throwing stars causing pain and Even if we accept the idea that the school can predict the suc- universities that open all around Europe or when universities be- lacerations to the young faces below. cess or failure of every student in the exams, it’s very difficult to came depended from the founding of the private sector or students The graduation photograph that would adorn my parents’ wall know what will happen on that certain day. The school has the fee. was taken before the ceremony and this took me by surprise. I Upon the completion of my Higher National Diploma (HND) responsibility if they had ignored the fact that the student didn’t The result of all the above, the pressure moved on to 16- and sat bolt upright attempting the smile worthy of the lounge wall graduation, a friend joked that HND meant ‘Have No Degree’, study, never approached the student or notified her family, per- 17-year-old kids, who suddenly found themselves carrying the when I was handed the ‘diploma’, which was a white plastic tube so off to university for three years and another graduation cer- haps if they hadn’t followed the programme or if they had omit- dramatic responsibility of making sure that they will have a future with a red ribbon tied around it. The photographer moulded me emony. This time I was ready and even wore a tie for this one. ted parts of the curriculum, but in her case none of the above is for the next three or four decades of their life. into a confident position, then advised me that the tube was not My day was spent instilling the fear into my young friends as they admissible. It’s just that she didn’t get the grade she was hoping Education is a very serious issue and all the participants have an a weapon, since my white-knuckle grip was worthy of the worst approached the stage I helpfully whispered, “Don’t fall!”, then for, which, as she says, will never make her a partner in one of the equal responsibility. What happens when it all ends up becoming rollercoaster. proved what a confident bastard I was with another hearty wave big law firms. a commercial exchange? In this case, either the education system to my parents and fiancée. What drove this young woman to do what she did is going to has tried more to improve the social and professional status of the Half the county, or so it seems, graduated that day. The hall was be a mystery for sometime. What we can see from this case is that students or the students missed the point seeing the school as an packed with thousands of individuals all about to apply for the there is something definitely wrong with our system and here I in- academic supermarket, just like the young lady from the UK. same job or head for the local dole queue, but before we could do clude our social and working system with our education. The truth A buzz in private matchbox-sized containers. “The queen is the hive,” bee. She doesn’t particularly enjoy exterminating unwanted Celley explains holding the box in her palm. “The colony bees, hornets and wasps, but it provides a second income and grooms her and feeds her the royal jelly.” It is this “royal gives her a chance to educate people about the differences Wisconsin jelly” that maintains her growth and reproductive capabili- between stinging insects. “Honey bees get a bad wrap from ties, plus distinguishes her from the other females in the more aggressive hornets,” Celley explains. hive. After double-checking her order, Celley joins the other keepers inspecting this year’s shipment and sharing stories A few minutes after receiving the call, she arrives back at of ruthless mites and empty hives. the farm with $4,700 worth of bees in tow. From her porch you can see small white boxes scattered against the backdrop The annual pickup has become a ritual among most Wis- of an overgrown apple orchard. The hives look somewhat consin beekeepers needing to replenish their colonies from out of place nestled in the tall grass, like ancient monuments By John Pederson the ravages of winter and the verroa mites, but Wisconsin waiting to be discovered. A huge bur oak towers over the beekeepers have not always depended on outside help. Ac- empty boxes, a lonely old landlord silently looking forward cording to The History of Wisconsin’s Bee Keeping and to some company. A fortune teller once told Celly that this Honey Production Industry, a pamphlet published by the particular oak possesses supernatural energy. The teller be- UW-Madison Historical Society, Wisconsin’s first settlers lieved that the tree is home to the Greek god of Nature, Pan. found abundant supplies of honey in the wild. Celley was so impressed by the mystic’s perfect physi- The pamphlet states that, “Hunting ‘bee trees’ and remov- cal description of a tree she had never seen before that she ing honey was a well established practice.” Settlers began looked up Pan in the dictionary upon returning home. She documenting the locations of these trees, and by 1967, the discovered that Pan is the protector of honey and moved her Transactions of the Wisconsin Academy of Sciences, Arts hives underneath the old bur oak’s sprawling branches to After a cup of coffee, sweetened with a spoonful of crystal- industry is composed of thousands of hobby beekeepers, in ad- and Letters published a collection of known “bee trees” take advantage of the deity’s watchful presence, which she lized honey, Mary Celley, a.k.a. “The Bee Charmer,” emerges dition to 50 or so commercial operations. However, the growing across the state. Today, honey hunting requires less work often feels while harvesting honey and checking her hives. from her log home wearing a faded red baseball cap, blue jeans, problem of mites and the increasing use of pesticides threaten and more money. Keepers find over 112 million bees for hire a tattered brown jacket, small golden specs, and a playful grin. this waning industry. Celley estimates she lost almost 90 percent under one roof at Darant and Sons Inc., at the cost of $82 Celley is in her element under the bur oak’s protective Two eager friends follow close behind her. Jack, a rambunctious of her colony to predators such as the verroa mite last winter. per box. branches. She spends the remaining eight hours of daylight young black lab, seems almost as excited as Celley, but even old in the tall grass, resettling bees into their new homes. “These Winnie, Jack’s 9-year-old mother, has an extra bounce in her step According to Phibbs, the verroa mite is now resistant to what Celley cuts a check for $4,700 and loads 57 boxes of Cali- bees will literally work themselves to death in a few weeks,” today. It’s time to get to work on the Celley Farm and help is on had been beekeeper’s most reliable defenses, Apistan and Check- fornian bees in the back of a covered truck, especially ar- she says while pouring 7,000 buzzing honey bees into a hive. the way. mite. New treatments cost considerably more than these tradi- ranged for this unseasonably cold April morning. Less expe- She might do the same if she had more bees of which to take tional pesticides, forcing many keepers to hang up their head rienced keepers risk exposing their cargo to freezing winds care. She says the work is therapeutic and it’s easy to see “It’s going to be a good day,” Celley announces as she buzzes nets, says Phibbs. on flatbed trucks. why. The Californian honey bees flow out of the box like an down the steps on her way to pick up the shipment of 400,000 These threats also increase local keepers’ reliance on out-of- But Celley takes no chances. Much of her income, as well oozing stream of honey, their buzz sounding more like a purr bees that will sustain her honey crop this season. Beekeeping is state bee suppliers to keep the industry and art of beekeeping as personal relationships depend on these shipments. on this cool morning. more than a business for this Wisconsin native. Celley depends alive in Wisconsin. on the honey harvest to fulfill her spiritual, social, as well as mon- You can find her at the Dane County Farmers Market eve- “This is my sanctuary,” she explains through her beekeep- etary needs. She fell under the bee’s spell when she was just four- Wayne Harrsison is one of the state’s main providers. He usu- ry week selling her honey for $3-$7 a bottle. Many of her er’s veil. This form of relaxation includes an acupuncture years-old. ally does not sleep during the 36-hour trip to Wisconsin from his customers enjoy the light clove variety, but Celley prefers treatment of sorts. Celley receives ten stings throughout farm in Los Banos, Cal. For some reason he just can’t relax with the rich taste of her black locus honey, which she refers to the day, which she announces in a calm and affirming tone, While her siblings feared them as unwelcome picnic guests, 112 million bees following his truck. It is not until his $500,000 as the “champagne of honey.” The farmers market also pro- “There’s one!” she says, never wincing or breaking stride. she was enchanted by these buzzing beauties. Her fascination shipment of buzzing cargo is safely unloaded at Darant and Sons vides the chance to check in with fellow farmers, longtime On a warmer day she would spray the cages with sugar wa- with bees eventually developed into an entomology degree from Inc., a bee supply store in Watertown, WI, that Harrison breaths customers and friends. It’s easy to see why the annual deliv- ter to subdue the rambunctious bees after their long journey. the University of Wisconsin-Madison and a part-time job at the easy. With a look of exhausted satisfaction, he unwraps a Swisher ery is a significant, almost sacred, affair. Today however, the shock of a 40 degree April morning is campus bee lab. Today Celley is a fulltime beekeeper with over Sweet cigar knowing he did his part to sustain Wisconsin’s honey enough to tame this Californian crowd. 100 hives. “I feel like I’m doing what I was put here to do,” she industry for one more year. On her way back from Darant and Sons Inc., Celley re- says. ceives a call on her cell phone. Although spiritually fulfilling, the work still takes a toll When Celley arrives at Darant and Sons Inc. at 8 a.m., Harrison “Is this the bee charmer?” says the voice on other line. on the 50-year-old “Bee Charmer.” By the time she goes to Celley is not the only Wisconsinite stung with affection for the is already enjoying the last drag of his Swisher Sweet while his “Sure is,” she replies. Celley is on call 24-hours-a-day for bed, she can barely move, but you won’t hear her complain. honey bee. According to Annette Phibbs, the head of the apiary crew unloads the last of the bee boxes, each containing roughly her “Bee Control” business, managing unwanted bees, hor- With a weary smile she gently pours the last box of bees program for the State Department of Agriculture, the state honey 7,000 female worker bees. Queens come packaged separately in nets, and other stinging insects, for area residents. She chose into their new home and whispers, “I told you it would be a the name because most people think anything that stings is a good day.” the e-magazine issue 6 / 2005 Delivering the goods

By Asa Butcher

Lea, our midwife Their skills with a baby are unbridled. They handle a baby as a Kätilöopisto Hospital, Helsinki, Finland Harlem Globetrotter handles a basketball. At one point, I was ex- 6th July, 2005 pecting one midwife to bounce the little babe and shoot a three- pointer into the cot. When they wrap a blanket or change a nappy Last month Thanos was taken by surprise at my review of a board their hands are a blur and following two hours of trying to put the game. Well this month I felt a profession deserved an iKritic, so baby to sleep they march in perform some ancient pressure point midwifery goes under the microscope. Over the course of a week trick that triggers sleep instantaneously. staying in hospital with my wife, I met a number of different mid- wifes and was thoroughly impressed with each – most even spoke All the time the father is doing his fair share of the caring the mid- English. wife loves you and will praise you. However, don’t forget a breath mint or three after wetting the babies head, since fathers smelling Naturally, they all had their own style, personality and good-hu- of alcohol is strangely frowned upon in a hospital ward. When we mour, but what struck me was how much patience they have. I initially arrived in our family room, the midwife offered to take guess dealing with hormonally charged, whinging, worrying, us on a tour. Just as we were about to walk out, I asked, “Shall we emotional fathers would teach you that, but they were equally as leave the baby here alone?” I wiped my brow thinking that was good with the mothers and babies. one of their early tests of good parents.

It is their job to be helpful, but we all know that just because it The midwife was always a button away, which provided a sense is your job does not mean that you always do it with a smile and of security and allowed you to build your confidence handling the desire to please. They are able to tell a parent that their newborn baby – it seems babies chill out in the hands of a confident per- baby is the beautiful in the world while visitors scream and recoil son. One complaint I do have about midwives is that some cannot in horror. They can gently massage the newborn parents’ egos take a photograph, but I guess that their job description does not with compliments about their child or adeptness at changing a require knowledge of aperture settings. nappy. One final thing: Don’t forget to support her neck! The good father

Parental panic By Thanos Kalamidas I know that it will sound strange but thinking of my one-year- old daughter the secret of being a good father is not being a The combination of those and a small health problem I had to face By Asa Butcher “father” at all. Counting a day with my daughter I found out over the last few years gave me a shock when I found out that I was that I have to act in a number of roles including cook, custo- going to become a father. To add to that I’m not young, actually I dian, educator, playmate, warden, but if somebody could stop have a one-year difference from the age my father died. me and tell me halfway through, “Now, be a father,” I would have no idea what to do and how to behave. Despite all my inner fears, I tried to find the manual of the good father and to my surprise I found out that there are thousands of I suppose having parents that became a classic example of books in nearly every language written to add to hundreds of thou- Somebody asked me the other day if I was ready to be a father, to the sixties marriage generation my role model parents were sands of internet sites; all of them with different options. To make it which I joked, “Hmm, sit up straight! Elbows off the table! Mind The local library has shelves full of books on fatherhood and divorced and my father was like all the divorced fathers of worse, every one of my friends with children had a different opin- your manners! Don’t run in the house! Eat your vegetables! Yes, parenting, while the net also has pages of conflicting advice, but his generation who can only be in two categories: absent but ion on how to become a good father. I think so.” Since then, the seed of the question has taken root in my nervous energy hasn’t the patience to read all this information generous or just absent. the fertilizer of my mind and been liberally watered with a dose about bathing, discipline and nappy rash. My own personal argu- Finding out that there is no a leading way to the good father, I took of ever-growing panic. ment is that my parent’s generation survived without any litera- I don’t want to say that my father was a bad guy. On the con- the simplest decision I could ever take, follow my instinct and not ture or guidebooks, humanity has managed this far, so there must trary, he tried to do his best considering that he had to be in his listen to anyone. My first step was deciding that I don’t want my What does it mean ‘to be ready’? We have all the equipment and be a genetic common sense when it comes to holding a baby the office twelve hours a day and then he had some homework for daughter to ever call me father, daddy or anything like that, just by a whole lot more. It appears as though my wife has been shopping correct way up. the next day at home. He was one of these guys who always my real name. in Q branch, shoving James Bond out of the way for the latest wore a tie and smoked one cigarette after another, only having high-tech gadgetry. There are devices dotted around the flat that Waiting is the hardest part. The ongoing pregnancy has allowed time to check my school grades and occasionally have a game That was a couple months before my daughter born and since that look as though they either torture the mother, pleasure her nipples me more time to dwell upon ifs and maybes, while the arrival of of chess, which I always lost since his attitude was that you day I‘ve found myself in perfect balance with my identity because or a twisted S&M mix of both. my daughter will force me to deal with the situation at hand and don’t learn if you don’t lose. in the end that was it. It had nothing to do with the needs of the little quit the daydreaming. I guess not knowing when the magic mo- finger holding my thumb but with my thoughts and ego. Friends continue to offer advice to the father-in-waiting, but most ment will happen has its share of frustration and tension because Later another role model of being a father came from televi- of it is out of context and hard to comprehend. The friends are also I am completely reliant upon my wife to send up the distress flare sion, where people like Ben Cartwright from the old Bonanza I learned to love our mornings alone before she goes to day care, beginning to have invites to the pub turned down, since I don’t and push the panic button. We have both resigned ourselves to the series and his behaviour to his sons was forming the idea of when we dance together to the music television and when father want the story for the next twenty years to be, “Asa was in the pub fact that it will happen at 0330; the time that both our patience is how a father should be and later I thought of Bill Cosby as a and daughter go to day care. I learn to love the sad look she gives when my waters broke.” Turning down invites could be a subcon- at its lowest ebb. nice and cool father. me when I leave her behind in the day care and totally enjoy her scious sign of my growing responsibility as a father, but honestly smile when I’m back to pick her up at four. I learn to love her it is more to do with holding off embarrassing stories. I have digressed from the question, but that is how my mind has A result of losing my father early in my life was never enjoy- breathing and her tears when she has a new tooth and most of all I dealt with the situation over the past few weeks. I will continue ing real fatherhood and getting scared of two things. The first love to love her. And I think this is the only thing she wants from Can anybody be ready to be a father? My exterior façade has been to imagine, panic, chill, daydream and ignore the whole saga be- was that if I have kids I might die and they will be left alone me, to love her. I’m not getting hysterical when she tries to eat the brazen and brimming with confidence at the prospect, but when cause nothing is going to change, except the quantity of painkill- and the second was that I will never have the time to tell him ground - in fact, I have joined her and I suggest you to try it. the lights are switched off and I see the silhouette of the bump beers perhaps. the realities of my life and here I mean that he never had the neath my wife’s covers…freak out! Tension headaches, sleepless time to hear my dreams, help me or advise me. We do have good time and I know everybody could go on for hours nights and bruises from banging my knee against the cot on my debating whether I make a good father or not; anyway, my little side of the bed; she has not arrived yet and my physical condition daughter sure seems to enjoy it! is already deteriorating. the e-magazine issue 7 / 2005

The Ovi Bookshop may not have shelves, but you can find a growing number of PDF books stocked there. We regularly add new titles, so make sure you check Seventh day back often. Seventh dwarf Seventh sin Seventh sea Seventh muse Seventh wonder Seventh Ovi

iFiction currently hosts a variety of excellent short stories by the Ovi Team, so log-on today and get ﬁctive.iFiction currently hosts a iFormat Luck in politics variety of excellent short HoriZones Luck be a story stories by the Ovi Team, so S#&T Happens Better luck next time log-on today and inject Flash Rabbit doping scandal some fiction into your life. fArt Shortest shorts iKritic Eco my thoughts My wife always comments that when we are unlucky in life I will at least have a story to tell later. Anecdotes are my weakness and Lady Luck usually plays a major role in their production. Either she is there in force, smiling upon me or it is ‘that’ time of the month and she wants to see me tortured.

You may argue that it is not luck at all, merely fate, destiny or coincidence, but since issue seven of Ovi is about luck, here we go. Luck is one of those issues that makes the lucky ecstatic and unlucky miserable, the rest of us ﬂick back and forth between the two. There are observations about luck, such as, “If you buy a ticket on Monday, you are a hundred times more likely to die before the draw is held on Wednesday, than win the Jackpot!!” You still buy a ticket though.

Luck is all about playing the odds, the probability of an event happening, such as all the trafﬁc lights being green along a stretch of road or being in the only part of England that lost its television transmitter during the Germany 1 – England 5 football match, which could be put down to timing and a technological glitch. Some people try to get by on luck more than judgment, such as the guy who phones a radio station to enter a competition, but the DJ informs him that it isn’t time yet, he replies, “Sorry, I just tried my luck. I don’t have a radio.”

For a number of months I had tried my hand at cutting a deck of cards to find the Ace of Spades, but with no luck. A group of friends were visiting, playing cards were on the table, in the middle of the conversation I suddenly ex- claim, “Ace of Spades!” The cards are cut and there it is in my hand. Cue silence. A one in fifty-two chance, which is nothing compared to finding the lost little gold cross from my Dad’s necklace on a full-size football pitch.

By Asa Butcher By There are days when if it started raining money I would be suffering from diarrhoea in the toilet, such as catch- By Thanos Kalamidas By ing a cold the day of a much-anticipated event or saying, “After you, madam,” and then hearing, “Congratulation madam! You are our millionth customer!” It could be worse, like taking a sleeping pill the night you have food poisoning or English novelist Arnold Bennet who drank a glass of water in a Paris Hotel to prove it was safe. He died two months later of Typhoid.

Luck can play cruel games on the uninitiated and unwary, such as my school’s summer fair one year when I was asked to run the Treasure Hunt game. Naturally, I had a few guesses and when my uncle drew out the winner, I won. Looking rather suspicious, he did it again and it was again me, so a random stranger was asked to draw a ticket and she too picked me. The fourth time was unlucky though.

Please do think seriously, what matters more to politicians? Perhaps it is image, money or Whether it is my parents purchasing a random bag of wild ﬂower seeds from a garden centre and growing a can- fame? Only one thing matters: luck. Did Tony Blair plan to have a weak opposition? He was nabis plant or locating a lost letter after popping into the local shop and overhearing people talking about it in the wishing, but he couldn’t plan it and while everybody was after him he was re-elected for the queue, luck does have a wicked sense of humour. In my opinion though, I am owed a few private moments alone third time. Why did he win? Pure luck. If he had a new Thatcher in opposition then he would with Lady Luck after she cast her evil eye upon my childhood pyjama suit and allowed my little guy to be trapped have had no chance. in the zipper.

In politics there are two kinds of luck. One is the pre-birth lottery. George W. Bush is one of the best examples. His grandfather made the money, a lot of money. The father worked the connections, George becomes president. US presidents are a classic example of this, with John F. Kennedy another name on the long list.

Then there is the right man at the right moment. That’s luck as well. Politics is full of that. There are good and bad examples. Adolf Hitler is a bad example because everything worked for him from the beginning and this unknown loser nearly became the ruler of Europe.

The difference between the ﬁrst and the second is mainly that the second kind needs hard Luck in politics Luck

work and individual effort. The ﬁrst kind just needs daddy’s money. Ancient Greeks used to be a storyLuck say ‘with the help of the gods you must move your hand a bit also’.

Luck doesn’t stop there. George W., after 100 days in administration was as popular as Nixon after the Watergate scandal and the leaders of the world were thinking if they should send him a congratulations telegram, but that was until 9-11 happened - however sad it sounds. George was not only re-elected for another four years but the leaders of the world were queuing in front of his Texas ranch for a photo with him.

Think how many times the word ‘luck’ comes to our mouth. You are lucky to have good health, you are lucky to have a job, you are lucky to have health insurance. Politicians use the word far more times. You are lucky to have Michael Howard as an opposition. Mickey Mouse was more popular.

Think seriously, what do all the politicians and their followers wish each other all the time, especially the night before the elections? Good luck! ATE the e-magazine issue 8 / 2005

How can I play hide & seek when 21 children die every minute?

Who’ll play football with me when 21 friends die every minute?

If I close my eyes and count to a 100. 35 children are dead. Aryan vegetables By Asa Butcher

We have all heard about the crazy bureaucratic rules and regulations that the European Union has been imposing upon fruit, vegetables, cheese, meat, eggs and, well every conceivable type of produce, but have you ever wondered where all the crap ends up? You would assume that it is re- cycled, tossed into mass compost heaps or fed to pigs, but my personal belief is that it is shipped to Finland and distributed to the supermarket chains.

Every week the selection includes golf ball-sized white onions, mouldy red peppers, squashed tan- gerines and bruised apples, what is going on with the import policy in Finland? The only produce that is ever edible are the ones that have the little Finnish ﬂag sticker, for which you have to pay outrageous kilo prices. Finland is supposed to be a part of the EU, or have they misunderstood and are ‘apart’ from the EU?

The EU is aggressively promoting an ‘Aryan’ master race of fruit and veg; they are advancing the ideology of a pure selection of root crops, the elimination of ‘defective’ stone fruit and ridding the world of genetic deficiencies in citrus fruit. We all remember EC regulations 1169/93 and 3596/90 from 1998 that governed the size of peaches. It was illegal for greengrocers and supermarkets to sell size-D peaches, which is 2 - 2.2 inches in diameter and not the bra cup size. During one of my summers, I worked as a vegeta- Other measures included carrots having a top ble packer that supplied three of Britain’s major measuring 20mm in diameter; certain varieties of supermarket chains. We were instructed to throw apples being at least 65mm in diameter; plums re- away produce that I now regularly find on sale at quiring a minimum size of 35mm to be classified my local Helsinki store. I cannot understand why Class 1; and bananas being at least 13.97cm long, a major food store would have trouble obtaining 2.69cm in diameter and do not have “abnormal quality food goods, when small greengrocers in curvature”. the UK can stock their shelves with goods that look edible, although perhaps not always meet- Initially I was totally against Brussels obsession ing EU guidelines. with imposing correct size and weight upon items. It was forcing the closure of generation-old busi- Finland’s government and the Finns need to start nesses, it was raising the prices in the shops, fines complaining about the quality of their imported were being imposed and chaos was reigning. How- fresh produce to their EU representative before ever, all of these anal directives are old news to the fines begin rolling in. On the other hand, per- the British who had to deal with the bureaucracy haps Finland knows no different and believes when it first started to appear in the mid-90s, but that the coconuts and bananas are grown up in it is about time somebody enforced quality control Lapland. in Finland.

Photo by Linda Lane Weird dishes By Thanos Kalamidas

Since this seems to be the issue of food, plus I will follow Asa’s example of top ten, here are the ten strangest dishes I’ve ever tried.

Micronesian Fruit Bat Soup A thick soup with lots of onions and salt. The meat is a sort of jelly with many ﬁbres. Here I have a personal issue with mice, I hate them, so I just tried to ‘taste’ the soup, but not eat it.

Spider soup I never understood why, when it comes to the weirdest dishes, they are soups and always decorated with many vegetables. Spider soup with rice was served in India and, once I’d managed to push away the idea that I was eating spiders, I found the soup tasty.

Fried bugs The Sahara, I mean just the place must make you suspicious of what you eat, but when I saw bugs on a small plate in front of me and everybody around eating them with their ﬁngers and having such pleasure, I had to try. Lot of sugared tea helped.

Haggis I do know that Scottish people like it, but I didn’t say love it. I do know that the tradition has it that people were poor and they had to eat every single part of the animal, but I think the Scots pushed it a bit too far. I managed a mouthful and this is where I stopped.

Elephant stew Central Africa and another stew. I found out that the people were drying the meat for nearly two months before they start cooking it. I mean start because cooking elephant meat takes over 48 hours. It wasn’t bad; it just made me realize how much I love cows, even the mad ones. And something for the desert: Camel North Africa. It was actually slices from the hump. I ate them fried with po- Eel ice cream tatoes. The meat was smoked and I have to admit that even though it was too Japan. It was tasty, even though you could salty, they were very tasty. I have never drunk more water in my life than after not understand that there was an eel some- that meal. where in there. The Japanese people love anything that comes from the sea, so I sup- Crocodile pose that it came as no surprise to learn Served with roast potatoes in Australia. It was like a very chewy steak. I ate it that they know thousands of ways to cook just because I wanted to try crocodile and ﬁnd out what else you can do with everything. this animal except make shoes and handbags. I enjoyed the roasted potatoes more. Thinking about it now, I can remember some more strange dishes I have had, but Cobra, with vegetables the main thing is that even though I have China. I have already written about this in another article (>>>>), including always been ready to try anything, I al- the ritual the cook uses to kill the snake and cook it. ways thought that nothing compares to a plate of bacon and chips, roast beef with Goat balls Yorkshire Pudding or a Greek souvlaki. On offer in Turkey. Ok, it was just the idea, like with most of them. I did eat them and everybody around me had a funny smile on their faces, but they all Bon appetite! seemed to enjoy them as well. Prejudiced minorities By Asa Butcher

When you immigrate to a new Sanctuary is found within their fear that the dominant Finnish Croatian becomes offensive in country religious and ethnic mi- Diaspora. Many socialise within culture will override your own Slavic and they are then joined norities of our native land are their own cultural group, ghet- and you will lose that unknown by a Turk, who alarms the left behind and one flight the tos create a small slice of their quality that makes you French, Greek. However, the night ends later the positions have been dra- homeland, they build their own Taiwanese or Bolivian. Criticism with a small group consisting of matically reversed. You arrive place of worship, their own of your country’s foreign policy an Englishman, Irish woman, a as a minority, endure countless shops and businesses; they can or lack of sporting achievements Finn, a Russian, a Kurd full of culture shocks and face the same live their whole life without in- breeds your own disparaging re- ‘appreciation’ for the Turks, an discrimination the media back teracting with the host country. marks about Finland with which Armenian, a Jew and an Ameri- home often mentioned. It comes Nothing has changed, which to do battle. can genially talking about the as a slap in the face for the un- means that their own inner dia- Finnish weather. prepared, but a darker problem logue concerning their own prej- Here lies the danger. Excessive lays in wait from somewhere udices also remains the same. nationalism mutates from patri- Due to the Kurdistan Workers quite unexpected. otism into feeling contempt for Party (Partiya Karkerên Kurdis- Escaping to a new country is other nationalities, including tan or PKK), a controversial or- Prejudice and discrimination supposed to allow a fresh start the host country. One extreme ganization that fights for Kurdish between fellow minority groups from the tyranny of a govern- example is the Iranians who independence, Turks in Finland is a sad and cruel irony that the ment, shadow of a civil war, per- bitterly complain about racism severely dislike the Kurds. There participants fail to see. Instead sonal reputation or many other across the world, yet in their own is also the case of the Sudanese of supporting one another in a reasons, so why not re-evaluate country there are people joining civil war, where the Muslim shared situation, they continue your approach to cultures and na- dozens of online communities, north fights with the Christian their shameless bigotry against tionalities that you hate? Recre- including the “Adolf Hitler SS south, that has now moved from minorities from their home- ating your homeland is provides Army Fan Club” and an “anti- within its borders to communi- land. Racism between minority comfort and practicing your Jew” community, which advo- ties in other countries because groups is micro racism and is the religion strengthens your faith, cates death to all black people. being an immigrant does not nastiest element of immigration, so why not integrate among the mean that you choose were to go due to its hypocritical and unex- general population and the other When it comes to Iranians liv- without facing the other side. pected appearance. minorities and alter your percep- ing in Finland, many prefer to tion of them? describe themselves as Fars and The majority of foreigners form Nationalities from around the totally dispute the Ahwazians, cordial relationships and attempt world have chosen to live in Every country has different po- who claim to be of ‘perfect’ to place their prejudices behind Finland and, when the issue of litical, historical and cultural Persian origin. You will never them, yet the stubborn actions of racism is raised, you naturally bonds with one another and this see an Ahwazian shake hands the minority of the minority that expect to hear their horror sto- has shaped stereotypes and re- with an Arab, especially Saudi damages everybody’s reputation. ries about intolerant Finns, but lationships. For example, when Arabians. Once again, you have Facing racism from a native is instead you listen gravely about a Greek assumes a Finn in a two minority groups in a foreign one thing, but being treated like their treatment at the hands of Greek market in the centre of country divided by the prejudic- shit by another foreigner may other foreigners. Their anecdotes Athens is Russian they are bees they felt back in their home- cut deeply in some and arouse reveal that they were given a job ing complimentary because hu- land. dangerous emotions of radical and treated like a slave, physi- man nature does not usually tend nationalism in others. cally attacked or verbally abused to insult complete strangers and Finland has organisations, such by a fellow immigrant, which the Greek is oblivious of the ten- as Caisa Cultural Center, and The aspect that many often ig- stuns everybody, especially if sions between the two nationali- online communities, such as the nore and fail to realise is that any Finns are present. ties. International English Speakers should all the immigrants put Association, which aim to unify aside all their differences and Generalising that the majority Back in our native lands, Ca- foreigners living in Finland and join together then we could ef- of a population are racist is lazy nadians are aggravated by the organise gatherings in which fect real change in Finland. and only serves to further the Americans, the Australians have they can meet one another. Dur- There are over 120,000 immi- myth. The term ‘racist’ is fright- the New Zealanders, India has ing the get-togethers, the multi- grants living in Finland, all of ening governments and people Pakistan, England has Scotland, cultural groups try to stick to them have a vote in the elections, into proving they are not before Greece has Turkey, Finland has light-hearted subjects, such as many are eligible to run as a can- being accused because once the Russia, and the list goes on, but the weather, but you can occa- didate and one day it is possible accusation has been thrown it is mainly the rivalry is playful and sionally see the friction between that a second or third generation virtually impossible to dispel it. we are friendly to each other nationalities. immigrant will become Prime Financial support is given to fund outside of our homelands. Minister. race awareness programmes, ed- For example, a Serbian student ucate the public and aid integra- Fearful of losing your own sense casually chats to a Greek en- tion, but this is outrageous when of nationalism forces you to trepreneur about holidays to some minorities make no effort adopt a caricature of your iden- the former Yugoslavia, but the to integrate. tity. As a minority, you begin to Serb becomes alarmed when a iFormat

By Thanos Kalamidas Enemy within

There is one issue we always millions of dollars. the e-magazine issue 9 / 2005 mix when it comes to religion. It is the connection between I could go through thousands religion and the church, or the of examples on how the Chris- role of the church inside reli- tian church has contradicted gion. Using the word ‘church’ the very same preaching of its I identify all those who are founder and how much they involved and not the building mislead the followers, but I’m only, from the priest and the sure that the same happens choir to the Catholic Pope, the with the rest of the religions. Orthodox Patriarch to the mul- Reading the Koran, one thing lahs and religious leaders in I didn’t find anywhere was that Japan. to kill thousands of innocent in the name of God guarantees a Regarding the role of the place in paradise or however church, I can have a better they want to call it. opinion only when it comes to Christianity, since I lived most One of the richest owners in of my life in Christian countries land and wealth in every coun- and grew up as a Christian my try around the world and every self. From its beginning, the religion followed is the church. church has been manipulative The power of the Vatican is and a part of any kind of con- nearly mythical, being able to servative and regressive ideas. manipulate markets and lead In theory, it took twenty cen- governments. The Orthodox turies for the church to admit Church has equal power in Rus- in his letters to Corinthians made it a lifestyle, the need to that the Earth is a sphere and sia and Greece where there is a when he actually gives guide- help the poor and especially this has nothing to do with the huge amount of poor people, lines on how the church should kids, while at the same time fat Bible, the main book and ref- people who need help here and act and behave. So the original priests with drivers and security erence of the Christianity, but now to survive the next day. preaching of equality between hide inside expensive Mercedes with the church and its found- men and women, as it has often Benz and don’t seem to care for ers and members. One of the first things our so- become in Christ’s preaching, the 30,000 kids that die every ciety should do is separate the becomes discriminatory with day somewhere in this world. Christ, like Socrates, never state from the church and put Paul, where the women carry On the contrary, they are there wrote anything, the only writ- in control the church’s income the sign of the exile from Para- ready to convict any theoreti- ten text we have from both of and expenses. In most of the dise should enter the temple cal opposition and demand the tthem is the text written from western countries, the state is with their head covered. exchange of money for our for- their students and followers. In contributing in the expenses of giveness. The Catholic Church the case of Socrates, we have the priests, salaries, insurances, While in one of the most beauti- was the first to teach that with Plato, an equally high-educated for example. The people who ful parables of the Bible, Christ the remission papers signed philosopher, who wrote his ex- become priests and in extent teaches that you can pray to God from the Pope. tensively long conversations bishops and popes, didn’t make wherever you are and you don’t adding his opinions and the op- a professional choice but the need a temple, the priests over The priests are the first to lead position, while in the case of chosen a way of life dedicate to the last twenty centuries ask any prejudice from sexuality to Christ we have only four books the others. It is about time, after for bigger and higher churches, rock music when the media is written by four of his students, twenty centuries, to make that they demand from their faithful full of scandals that involve one who according to legend were truth. The church should return to follow every possible service of the most disgusting crimes simple every day people. to its real vision and objective. and in the end they expect them in human history, pedophilia. to contribute financially in the Living in the period where the It is part of human nature to However, there is only one who construction of bigger, higher money buys everything and become pretentious when it is the real enemy of religion and more luxurious churches. using the example of a known comes to strong beliefs and and the only one who can make pop star and pedophiliac they that’s exactly what Paul did people refuse their beliefs and Christ taught with words and actually buy forgiveness with with his letters. For example, that’s only the church itself. Photo by Linda Lane iFormat iFormat

By Satya Prakash By Jan Sand Selfishness Nature of religion

What exactly is Selfishness? Richard Dawkins in his book Although religion has always for the survival and progress of The popular usage of selfish- “The Selfish Gene “ . Dawkins had the capability to raise dis- society. With the advent of the ness is for a sinful adjective answers questions such as why sention, there are times, such as written word the ideas which where one person behaves in are people. What is Man ? Is the present, when the situation had been successful in the past total disregard to consequences there meaning to life? By say- seems more exacerbated than became petrified into unshake- of his/her actions on others. ing that all this are there just to usual. able regulations with frequently The selfish person will be ever make the gene survive. Gene – absurd constrictions. ready to do anything just to sat- the unit of heredity will do any- The range of emotion in three isfy his/her whims. But is there thing to survive, an animal is major religions covers a wide Although rational thought has any positive aspect of Selfish- nothing but a machine made to spectrum. Orthodox believ- always been present in hu- ness; is it justifiable to be self- survive the gene. Thus there is ers in the Christian, the Jewish manity it came to prominence ish? The answer lies in how we selfishness in any animal, there and the Muslim religions tend within very capable individuals define selfishness. is this ‘objective need ‘. Gene toward radical reaction to criti- in several ancient societies, the is the basic and abstract unit of cism and the presentation of Greeks being one of the most One of the first people to selfishness. This explains the doubts by secular questioners. obvious. The lines of thought speak about the positive as- reason for objective needs and The reason for this strong reac- from there to the present lead pect of selfishness was Ayn hence selfishness. tion seems to betray something through several civilizations Rand which was illustrated in of insecurity in the foundations to the development of precise her book “Fountainhead”. The In fact if one has to judge for faith and in the possibility rational disciplines in modern virtuous aspect will be clear if whether the feeling of love, that there is enough reasonable science. Almost all of the origi- we see the alternate (correct?) friendship, respect or admi- logic in these negative view- nal creativity embodied in the definition of Selfishness. Self- ration is true or not then one points to shake the power of original priest scientist has bur- ishness is related to one’s own should see if the person exhib- these traditional beliefs. Fa- geoned in science and withered self. A person will be selfish iting such a feeling is selfish natics within religious funda- in religion leading to an unfor- only when the person is true of not. If for that person love, mentalist groups have factions tunate modern conflict between to his/her mind, thoughts, val- friendship, respect etc are ca- which extend no bars to their the two. There are many prob- ues and all the actions by such tering to his needs then it is expression of their hatred of lems that may become acces- a person will be out of his/her a true feeling and the person criticism and the intensity of sible to science in the future has decayed so that new rules wise person or a priest and the convictions. Such a person will will always be committed. If this reaction has become a that deal with consciousness cannot be formulated to replace second mechanism produced a go through all kinds of difficul- they are for his whim-fulfill- threat to civilized society. in the universe and the concept those that no longer apply, then leader or king who was prob- ties and obstacles but will nev- ment then those feelings are that there may be some direc- the organism becomes vulner- ably a successful hunter and er compromise with his values shallow and there will be no The survival of any organism tion to the way the universe has able if it persists in applying warrior. and thus be selfish. The most commitment. Just for illustra- depends upon the determina- developed. In many of these the old rules and is in danger of distinguishing feature of that tion, most of the time teenage tion, mostly by trial and error, concepts science has wisely de- destruction. Both religion and science were person will be ‘integrity’ i.e. love or friendships don’t last, by that creature of those threats clined to offer definite solutions intimately intertwined in the such a person will ‘walk his/her why? Because at that time a which may destroy it and the ev- although speculation is open. aolution of reactions which will Early human social groups priest function and one comple- talk’. Such a person will never person is not sure of his or her required two social mecha- mented the other. Both religion sacrifice others for own needs own self or objective needs so preserve that organism. Over Religion, on the other hand, has nisms to survive. The first was and science originally were or will indulge in any ‘desire- acts which are done for whim- tions and those interactions has there is no way to find whether time these reactions become a tended to proffer definite con- a compilation of the nature of highly creative enterprises. The satisfaction’ acts. Such a person fulfillment, and not for ‘self’. to have the virtues of benevo- those needs are fulfilled by the basic set of rules that solidify cepts which it does not accept the environment and its dan- survival of the group depended will be ready to suffer all kinds Every person has some biologi- lence, rationality, rationality present love or friendship. To into confirmed social laws and as open to criticism. Some of gers and opportunities and the upon correct appraisal of an of hardships to live for the ‘self cal and psychological needs etc. Hence such persons will understand ‘Self’ is the prereq- are not considered subject to them are so widely at variance second was a system to apply event and the formulation of – values’; and most importantly and these needs are ‘objective’. never act in disregard to others uisite to selfishness. A person is critical analysis which may with accepted scientific reality this knowledge to the benefit of how to confront it. Good priests a selfish person will never be A person will always strive to rather act in regard to oneself. most true when he/she is self- threaten the existence of the or- as to appear totally irrational. the group. In all probability the invented what they thought lay hypocrite. fulfill these needs and hence ish. Love, friendship, respect is ganism. But the universe is not They make me, at minimum, first social groups were families behind an event and devised selfish. Humans live in social The concept of objective needs nothing but token of satisfac- static. Over time those threats exceedingly uncomfortable and with either a male or a female ways of dealing with it. When The popular usage of selfish- world and to satisfy the objec- of a person can in some way ex- tion of those objective needs. which could be confronted by reflect on the capabilities of the leader or perhaps a division of they failed everybody suffered ness as sinful behavior implies tive needs there will be interac- plained by the theories given by standard solutions mutate and people making the claims. evolve. And new threats appear power between the two. Before and if they succeeded every- which lay outside the capabil- agriculture the group survived body prospered. But, as in every Oscar Wilde once noted: It is ity of the standard social tool- by hunting and gathering and social situation, particular indi- because humanity has never box. If the original mechanisms gradually domestication of ani- viduals became dominant with- known where it was going that which protected society by ac- mals and plants proved more in their function and prevented it has been able to find its way. knowledging a new threat and fruitful. The proponent of the necessary revisions of the rules devising a protective solution first mechanism evolved into a which were necessary changes W Photo by Linda Lane iFormat

By Thanos Kalamidas Time personal

Thinking about time I always add the chronic definition or the e-magazine issue 10 / 2005 come to the conclusion that time not. The time arrow is certain is something totally personal. A and absolute. few years ago I had a very bad accident and I’m sure that after I base that on my knowledge in one point time stopped. the European languages, but in eastern languages, for example, I could watch the other car again language identifies time. coming towards me in real slow In Japanese, it is ‘I go to the motion and then I could see the cinema tomorrow’ or ‘I go to front of my car slowly smash- the cinema yesterday’. ing into pieces and the whole front of my own car, includ- Day and night, seasons identify ing the steering wheel and all time, but the language is there the instruments coming slowly to make time part of what we closer and gradually hitting are. Returning to the beginning, me in the chest. I could sort of time is something so personal see drops of blood coming out and illogical at the same time. from my direction and I could You see? Time again. watch the other driver’s eyes in total horror. You watch a film, which is supposed to have ‘real time’, Again, another evening was the hero moves around for 24- when my daughter was ill with hours while the film lasts only a really high fever. We sudden- two hours and you have the ly arrived at the hospital and feeling that you lived the hero’s the doctor asked me how long twenty-four hours. Sometimes she’d been unconscious and we wish the day had thirty- without thinking I answered, six hours so we can do all the centuries. Later, the same night, things we were planning to do. the doctor explained to me that Strangely, my ten minutes of Oddly enough, the reason we whatever I thought it could not fame lasted only a few sec- consider time as something To write this article took me have been for more than seconds while my most miserable totally measured is the lan- four hours thinking and thirteen onds, maximum a minute. minutes lasted for centuries. guage. All the verbs represent minutes to write it, even though I’m sure that since that night I time. Go, I will go, I went, I I feel that I have been in front Then there are some other mo- had to run to the hospital hold- had gone! Saying, I’m going to the keyboard writing for ages. ments. My first party, my first ing my daughter I got more the cinema, I went to the cin- Just imagine how much better kiss that was so brief and the white hair. Isn’t that a message ema and I will go to the cinema use of time we would have if day I won something very im- for time passing? Don’t you identifies precise time. I went we could control time. portant for me lasted only sec- get more white hairs with the to the cinema yesterday. I will onds and everybody said that it years? I got them in only a few go to the cinema tomorrow lasted for hours. seconds. and I’m going to the cinema ttonight. It doesn’t matter if we fArt fArt

By John Pederson By Asa Butcher A portrait Tick-tock

Imagine sitting at your favorite Ten issues and nearly two years Time: A person’s experience café when—all of a suddenly— ago, Thanos and Asa taught me during a specific period or on a Time travel, Time Square, time an idea so original, and with so something that I’ll never forget. certain occasion; a number, as management, time is money, much potential pops into your Maybe it was the Guinness at of years, days, or minutes, rep- time of our lives, Father Time, head that you flag down the work, but it was a break-through resenting such an interval. Time Harry Lime, Justin Time, time waiter for a pen to scribble it epiphany at the time—and still can fly, time can drag, time can zones, chronological, philo- on your napkin. Pure genius! is: breakthrough ideas have to be measured and time can be sophical, Dali’s The Persist- How did you not think of this resonate on both the individual elusive. Pink Floyd sang, “Eve- ence of Memory, Rolex, cuck- sooner? A moment later, you and collective levels. They con- ry year is getting shorter, never oo clocks, reaction time, speed decide to recite your epiphany nect people through increased seem to find the time,” on the equals distance over time, to the entire table, fully expect- self-awareness. Connection track ‘Time’, which proves that timekeeping, Time magazine, ing a toast to your brilliance. through personal empower- ‘time is of the essence.’ London and New York Times, But somehow the thought has ment is the distinguishing mark prime-time, Daylight Saving already lost its luster. It sounds of most any breakthrough idea, Time can be timeless, but you Time and time out. as tantalizing and fresh as the whether it’s a musical phenom- must bide your time, especially wilted iceberg lettuces on your enon like the Beatles, a com- if you are ahead of your time all Timetables and times table, club salad. munications revolution such the time. A whale of a time can time bombs and time delay, as the Internet, or a journalistic be had at all times, but we had Time Bandits and Timecop, Why do some ideas ignite our epoch like the Ovi. to make up for lost time at one time share and time will tell, imaginations. How do certain time in order to have a good Time in Norway and Time in concepts find their own mo- The tipping point is when the time. At this point in time, I am Illinois, time to go and we are mentum and change the world, big idea becomes a reference behind the times and have no out of time. Time’s up! while others are disregarded in point of public consciousness, time to take my time. the side notes of history? How giving a voice to something do you go from a glass of Guin- within each individual, while I am living on borrowed time ness with two friends to Fin- providing a way to carry this for the time being, although iland’s hottest e-zine? self-knowledge out into the from time to time I play for world. This is exactly what Ovi time. Once upon a time, some- Idea: a realization of a possible has been to me: a connection to body served time, in at the same way of doing something or of and purpose in our lives. The change the lives of millions? the world and myself. To know time he had to kill time, pass something to be done form of an idea is what allows one, you must discover the the time and in it was crunch it to grow and travel from one Epoch: a significant period in other. Now I have been lazy in time less than no time; just in All big ideas—including the person to another building mo- time or in somebody’s life this pursuit, taking more from the nick of time, it was a long Ovi Magazine—have both a mentum, until finally; it real- this relationship than I receive. time no see. function and a form. izes its function and purpose in Great ideas serve a myriad of But the Ovi has always been our world. purposes and fulfill numer- here for me, inviting reflection, The function of an idea refers ous needs in our daily lives. introspection, and growth. And to its specific purpose. For ex- Every idea has both form and From salvation to silverware, it’s here for you too, for you to ample, the UN was designed function. So what? you’d be hard-pressed to find read, for you to contribute, for to promote world peace, elec- any continuity in the function you to love, and for you to hate. tricity to bring light into our The question remains: What of breakthrough ideas. But the It’s all here—and it will be here homes. makes a big idea a break- form of these ideas is another for many issues to come! Time through? What is the common story—a story that that, for me, is on our side! But ideas have form long be- denominator that allows cer- started in Finland. fore they find an expression tain concepts to take hold and t iFormat

By Thanos Kalamidas Window to the nightmare

I’m sure my relationship with Messenger MSN, browser MS- Mr. Bill Gates and his products explorer, one fifth of the people is not unique and if you check I know they have Hotmail. All the e-magazine issue 11 / 2005 the net you will find that others my programs work perfectly al- have worse feelings towards right only with Windows, how- him than me. I simply hate the ever much penguins and other bastard! To get worse, there birds have tried. Even my Mac have been times I admire him!!! has Windows programs, not to And these times are equally as mention MS Word which is one many as the times I hate him. program after Windows that I haven’t seen any computer not Ok, imagine a life where you have. To make it worse, most must eat and the only thing you of the Macs I know have it as can eat is raw cauliflower. And well. you eat the bloody thing day after day, week after week, month But then when you buy a new after month, year after year. It equipment or try to install an is the same with Mr. Microsoft. old one you just plug and pray For twenty years I have to eat that everything will work, oth- the same cauliflower and like it erwise you have to buy a new is not enough I always look for- one which will be compatible ward for his newest discovery. to the newest version of Win- dows. In the beginning it was MS Dos. Version 3 was good, ver- And Bill Gates created the new sion 5 a disaster, version 6 just Windows XP Professional and saved some things to come to everybody said, ‘now you are version 7 and lose everything, dan, when he was still fresh on going to be happy, everything and then the next cauliflower, But then, nothing would have the throne, said that his country works’. Oh yes, it did indeed Windows. Supposed to be win- happened without Windows. is very poor and even though in till I downloaded a security dows to a new environment, Think of it. There are millions the middle of oil rich countries upgrade from the Microsoft it was the bloody widest door of users all around the world, is a state without resources, so site and my computer crashed possible to the nightmare. Elm probably billions. And there he was trying to lead his people so badly that I had to format Street seemed like a Disney are millions that their salary to follow the example of India the disk and lost two months film in front of Windows 2000. depends on computers. Mil- and become a computer power. of work. Of course, all of you I lost two computers because of lions that work for computers And all that because of Mr. cleverly will say why you them. Windows Millennium? I and other millions that works Gates. The one and only Mr. didn’t keep a backup! Yeah, found my self a couple of times to improve computers. Gates. when was the last time you ready to throw my PC out of took a backup? the window and I was on the In an interview a couple of What about the internet? Check isixth floor. years ago, the new king of Jor- your PC and you’ll find Instant iFormat iFormat

By Asa Butcher By Satya Prakash Bedtime e-story Computers changing the Organizations

Computers is the topic of Ovi down in the future to read my Today the business world has prise solution for their reach issue 11, Thanos has dealt with daughter a bedtime story via become highly competitive across the enterprise. They Bill Gates and his Microsoft Microsoft Reader, even if it with most of the bargaining have made the process stream- emotions, so it is up to me to does have ClearType. power shifting towards the lined, efficient and quite fast. write about Google. Over the customers. Those companies, Earlier many operations used past couple of years, there Google may feel that this is a which can give maximum val- to take days for the amount of has been discussion about on- public service, but I don’t be- ue to customer at least cost are data processing which are now line book libraries and Google lieve it is necessary. Reading a the order winners. All this has done in real time. For example has been grabbing most of the real book will take you away hurt the bottom line of the com- any change desired by cus- headlines. from the computer rather than panies and those who managed tomer will be managed quite another a few hours in front of to change themselves have sur- fast. This has benefit for both There are already 17,000 free it. We need a break from the vived while others busted. This the customer and the organiza- books in the Project Gutenberg monitor and now we can install race for survival has brought tion, as it reduces waste in the Online Book Catalogue, but a TV card and watch movies radical changes in how com- system, thereby bringing down Google has announced plans to and TV shows, the time in front panies work and their greatest the cost. The information about create an index to all the world’s of the screen is becoming dan- help in this era has been the the potential for the market is books. This little venture has gerous. computers. more accurately assessed and run into some opposition from the production follows it. publishers, authors and other On the other hand, if all my The traditional workflow in any copyright holders, but it is usu- books were on the hard drive company had been on the lines Since the information flow is ally a matter of time before a that would free up more space of various functional depart- being handled by computers so giant gets his own way. on my book shelf for DVDs ments, like finance & account- management has become far and my back wouldn’t ache ing, human resources, produc- easier. This has further resulted My issue with online digital after moving countless boxes tion, sales & marketing, etc. in the hierarchy getting flatter. catalogues is that I can’t read a of books each time we move But now the workflow has to be Not only the senior manage- novel on a screen. I have a doz- house. I guess only time will changed on the lines as to how ment but most of the employee en e-books from Project Guten- top to bottom, I’d say ‘scroll’ people to read? I guess they are tell concerning Google’s suc- a customer interacts with the tomer while information flows action. An organization which has access to the information berg on my hard drive, but I because the text moves in a dif- useful to download to your lap- cess in this venture, but until company. The customer does back through the chain from can bring about this change creating democracy. This em- use them for research and not ferent way compared to reading top and read on a flight, but then then I’ll read to my daughter not see the company along the the customer. successfully, is called an ag- powerment of the employees to read. ‘Read’, now that is not a printed book. what am I supposed to do with traditional bedtime stories, lines of functional departments ile enterprise, and has the best most often results in boosting the term I would use because the bookmark my wife bought “Once upon a time there was but along the various process- How are organizations manag- chance of adjusting itself to the the morale which is reflected in reading involves going form Do e-books encourage more for me? I can’t imagine sitting an ERROR 404!” es, like the process of buying ing these changes? Earlier the changing dynamics of market. the increasing productivity. or requesting for information information of one department or getting after sales service. used to be with the same de- Today all the information shar- Today computers have become Consequently the functional di- partment, but now the data are ing and processing work has backbone of any organization visions within an organization required by all the departments been totally taken over by and both the customers and have merged and have taken according to the process. The computers and the whole work- the producers are getting ben- the shape of a value chain. In amount of information flow flow is managed by network efited. this chain value is created and has grown by volumes and also of computers. This kind of so- c ultimately passed on to the cus- needed is high speed of trans- lution is often called as enter- www.greensatya.blogspot.com the e-magazine issue 12 / 2006

Pardon,By Asa Butcher darling? Everyday my wife complains that I don’t listen to her, which is strange because I always seem to hear that part. Difﬁculty in communication is one of the greatest sources for arguments between the genders and is also a multi- million pound industry offering books, counselling and courses for relationships suffering from the ‘Men are from Mars’ syndrome.

Recently I read that a scientist stud- Husband - Errr, he’s got a new them, they are usually too drunk to ied 20 men and 20 women and dis- drill. remember the advice. Friday, 21st June 2002 covered that men use the left side of the brain - traditionally associ- GIRL’S DIARY ated with understanding language Saw John in the evening and he - to pick up conversations, while was acting really strangely. I went women also used the right side. shopping in the afternoon with the The research revealed that women girls and I did turn up a bit late so may need to use more of their brain I thought it might be that. The bar to listen to conversations, but it was really crowded and loud so I could show women could listen to suggested we go somewhere quiet- two conversations at once. er to talk. He was still very subdued I cannot explain why my hearing and distracted so I suggested we go switches off when my wife begins somewhere nice to eat. All through to talk, but my concerns were soon dinner he just didn’t seem himself; laid to rest when I heard my Mum, he hardly laughed, and didn’t seem my brother’s ﬁancée, female rela- to be paying any attention to me or tives and friends all repeating the to what I was saying. I just knew same complaint about their part- that something was wrong. He ners. What drives most of the crazy dropped me back home and I won- is the fact that men phase out a one- dered if he was going to come in; on-one conversation, but can hear he hesitated, but followed. I asked the sports results when the volume him again if there was something is on its lowest setting. the matter, but he just half shook My Grandad now wears a hear- his head and turned the television ing aid and the family are slightly on. After about 10 minutes of si- envious because he liberally uses lence, I said I was going upstairs to the on/off switch to his advantage. bed. I put my arms around him and Once Grandma has left the room, told him that I loved him deeply. he nudges up the volume until he He just gave a sigh, and a sad sort can eavesdrop on the ants, but he of smile. He didn’t follow me up, slips back into aural darkness upon but later he did, and I was her return, the cheeky man. surprised when we made love. He Women not only claim that men still seemed distant and a bit cold, don’t listen, but believe that when and started to think that he was men do hear something they miss going to leave me and that he had the subliminal message being con- found someone else. I cried myself veyed. In the stage show ‘Defend- to sleep. ing the Caveman’ - a comedy about the differences between men and BOY’S DIARY women - there is an example of a England lost to Brazil 2-1. Got a conversation between a husband One of those ‘Men are from Mars’ From communication problems to shag though. and wife on their way home after books explains that when women emotionally unavailable in a few visiting some friends: share a problem between them they short paragraphs, isn’t it frighten- Wife - Jill and Jack have some real usually respond with a problem of ing? I must go now because my marriage problems. Jill was crying their own, thereby creating a sense wife has been shouting something about the love going out of their re- of ‘solidarity’. Unfortunately, men for the last ten minutes and I can’t lationship and believes that divorce prefer to offer a solution and this hear her over the football results. may be the only answer. What did comes across as insensitive. When Thought this was an appropriate Jack have to say? men share a problem between addition: Sexuality My gay growth By Juhani Giers

I was born in a small country village in the middle of nowhere in western Finland. My family was the most average you can think of: I had farmer parents with two siblings; I was the youngest. By the age of six - the moral age - I was convinced that when I grew up I didn’t want to join the army.

Back then, I hadn’t had heard of the the books or by education. I used Well, my own cleverness wasn’t Homosexuality as a phenomenon a man was a few years later and I refuse to be a prisoner of my possibility of choosing civil serv- my maalaisjärki. I never disparaged the brightest either when the same had to come out of the closet to lasted about a year, by then I was sexuality. And, GOSH, how sur- ice. Well, how could I have, living myself because of being different: I friend and I found a new magazine everybody. It had to stop being a in the middle of my twenties and I prisingly easy it is! Of course, I in the countryside where people thought that I’m a quite an all right in the local super market. That taboo. There was a need to know had come out to my closest friends have had some difficulties in the vote for Keskusta (Centre Party)! bloke and there must be someone magazine was called Mosse and more about homosexual behaviour from my theatre school. I present- past but nothing so serious that The rules are so simple there: As a for an O.K. bloke somewhere. had nude pictures of only men. to be able to fight against this hor- ed my boyfriend, who was twice it would have put me down. I’ve farmer’s son you grow up to be a How fascinating I found that! We rible disease. as old as I was, to my family and I noticed that time is also my friend. farmer and you vote for the same I had no worries about my sexual- read it in between the shop shelves was surprised at how big a problem For those to whom my coming-out party as your parents and you defi- ity. My worries were more usual: and I remember that my friend I had my first real homosexual it was! has been a shock and a disappoint- nitely show that you are a real man When will IT start to grow and wasn’t as exited as I was. It took experience in a toilet of a middle- ment, they have slowly accepted by serving the compulsory time in how big IT will be at the end of me a while to understand that it my homosexuality as a part of my the army. a day? How will I cope with the was a gay magazine! charming and lovable personality. situation of really DOING IT with I did declare my opinion - by the someone? You know, kissing and Quite soon I came back to see In my first real job in a small town, age of six - about my decision not all…? Back then, I had bisexual it again. I tried to have as closer the coming-out to my colleagues to serve my country in the army emotions and I had a crush on a girl look as possible, while letting the was quite easy. While turning to and how helpful the adults were: from my class. I did get my first shopping women pass me with my thirties, I found myself in Hel- “But if you refuse to join the army kiss from her, which fulfilled my their trollies and baskets. My dis- sinki as a freelance artist. The gay you’ll end up in jail and you will dreams. Unfortunately, I got it for appointment was terrible when I culture had come out for real and get just water and bread to eat!” I the wrong reasons: She wanted her couldn’t find it on the magazine I had my wild cruising period. In didn’t believe what the adults said, recent boyfriend to be jealous so shelf a few weeks later! four years I hadn’t any serious but I answered: “Well, if the other she made sure that this boyfriend relationship and the life as a free- prisoners will cope with that then I saw the kiss! And she left me right Many years later, I learned that the lancer wore me out. I got back to will too.” Back then, I was already after the kiss and went back to have magazine - named after one of the a smaller town, this time in eastern a bit overweight, so I thought I’ll an emotional discussion with that public gays in Finland - had a very Finland, and I found a boyfriend be all right with the extra energy I bloody bloke! short life. It had also been a huge after only a few months. have in reserve. mistake by the shopkeeper to order A few years later in high school a magazine like that and try to sell It didn’t work out that well - part- By the age of 11, I accidentally (lukio, I came out with my bi- it in a small village, but, God was ly because he was a bit confused listened to a YLE radio channel sexuality to my best friend. We I happy about having a glimpse of about his sexuality and he had and heard about the civil service were having a break and we had it! his first homosexual experience and what a relief that was! A huge a conversation about jealousy. He in his late forties. When my short weight dropped from my shoulders asked: “Can you imagine being in a By the time I had become an adult contract was over I moved again, when I realized that I did have an situation where you find your girl- the world had to face a disease alone this time, to Tampere; I had alternative to the water and bread friend in bed with someone else? called AIDS. My generation got sex this premonition of finding my diet in prison. Now I had a choice What would you do?” I answered: education in a way which shocked match from Häme. In Tampere, I to serve my country another way mid-80s, I started to realize that I had a slight idea of my own per- “I would jump into bed and join some of the religious groups: We confronted a new problem: I had than by learning to kill. Why do I there are choices for the way of sonality, that I might be one of those them!” His neutral attitude made got a newspaper each and condom dates with two gorgeous men in tell you this all? Wasn’t this meant life, such as my parents had in their different people. Again, I saw this me think: ‘Gosh! This coming-out inside of it! I thought it was a great the same week and then fell in love to be an article about sexuality? I happy marriage. That there is an- matter in a very simple way: If eve- thing is so easy!’ And again I was idea and, as a conscientious young size town’s swimming pool. The Then it was my time to serve the with both! tell you this because it was a cru- other way to express your desire rybody knows that they are some- very relieved. Many years later man, I did my homework and experience was exciting and a bit country and my choice was the cial insight for me that there is and affection, and that those people where there, I will someday find a when we talked about my sexuality, learned how to put it on. frightening at the same time. The civil service. I learned in the civil Did I find my match, you ask? some kind of justice in this coun- are somehow different: Everybody couple of them and a match for me. my friend was surprised. He didn’t same year I also had my first real service education something about Oh, yes I did! We are happily en- try and you have to listen to your knows that they are somewhere, We have a saying in Finish called remember the whole conversation I do agree with the theory that, even heterosexual experience, and I can us Finns: People actually respect gaged and planning to get married. own mind instead of eager adults’ but it a taboo to talk about them MAALAISJÄRKI, which means and he hadn’t realized what I had though it was a terrible tragedy for say the same about that experience those who choose prison instead of Through my boyfriend’s cottage, I advice around you. because they represent something ‘reasonable thinking’ or ‘power of said! I was astonished because that many gays and their families, AIDS too. So, yes, I can make a compari- civil service more. This had been am enjoying the slow countryside which is weird and unacceptable. deduction’; it is wisdom learned by moment was a turning point for did a favour for the homosexual son in this matter, which is often my guideline for my way of living life in our free time…maybe I’ll When I was in my teenage in the living in the countryside, not from me! community due to the amount of asked. and my sexuality. I do get more re- grow my own peppermint leaves information, research, campaigns spect by being honest about what I for my tea next summer. and all artistic events and charity. My first long-term relationship to am, instead of hiding in a closet. Sexuality

SoBy Mickey Hotlove much porn

Every day, she looks at thousands of hosted galleries with softcore and hardcore pictures. Her hard drive is full of smut, no matter how hard she cleans it. And somehow she doesn’t seem to get tired of all the porn.

Because big names make peo- “She” is known as the WebMis- ple click. And quality produc- tress, the one who posts most of- tions make people buy. Although ten on Belgium’s most popular “amateur” is a popular genre, website about porn: www.wilt.be and “gonzo” porn ﬁlms are the . The WebMistress was there right equivalent of reality television, a from the start, in April 2004. And bad production makes everyone although the other contributors nervous. You can see it from the come and go, she’s still around to ﬁrst frame if the photographer post news about sex, links to new or director was a professional, porn-related websites and reviews or just a pervert with a camera. of erotic art online. Judging from That’s why WebMistress only the mails she gets, most wilt.be vis- has to look at trailers for porn itors like to see her as some kind of movies to know. And she’ll only a dominatrix, clad in black leather look long enough at a photo gal- from head to toe. She thinks these lery of some model’s nude pic- mails are funny, and replies to all tures to grab a picture for the of them. Not often friendly, though. thumbnail that goes with every She doesn’t need to be. post on Wilt.be .

She clearly isn’t doing it to get at- Where does she draw the line? It tention from submissive admirers. used to be “personal taste”, but But what is driving her then? The since tastes differ, she changed money, of course. She saw Danni it into “as long as it’s well-made from Danni’s hard drive at a confer- AND legal”. Which means: no ence years ago, and heard her say: depictions of sex with people “My business was profitable from who are too young, too drugged day one.” She also heard about porn or too scared to actually approve being the number one business on being filmed or photographed the internet. And she noticed that while getting fucked. And no new technologies, like using SMS animals of course, since hoofs services for micropayment, or us- or paws are unfit to sign a porn ing Flashcom servers to link IVR contract. systems to live video of webcam girls, were always tried out first in Does she ever get excited herself, the online adult industry. you might wonder? Of course she does. She is, after all, only And yes, the porn got harder and human. Although most of the harder. The first half year, Wilt. time it happens by accident. In be only posted links to “softcore” the middle of all the smut, she’ll sites, and put all the money-mak- stumble upon a gem of well- ing hardcore stuff in a separate sec- made porn, building up tension tion of the site. But after a while, so slowly that even she finds her- soft and hard kind of blended. And self gazing at the page, or putting although videos of people fucking the windows media in an infinite each other in every possible body loop until she’s satisfied. orifice rarely shocked her, she started to see who the big names were. And when she gets tired of it After Jenna Jameson, things got all, she quits for a few days. But a lot easier for porn stars. So you porn is everywhere: it’s in her had to try and see the difference news feeds, people mail it to her, between a nice young woman who there are “submissions” by wilt. was spreading her legs before the be community members. So she camera, and the next Jenna Jame- takes care of it. It’s what she son. Or Aria Giovanni. Or Luba does. She’s the WebMistress. I Shumeiko. don’t think she’ll ever get tired of it.

www.wilt.be RadioBy Jan Sand is cheap

There are several creatures that can construct their world by the use of sound alone. There are bats, there are dolphins, and there are humans. Bats and dolphins confront the world with a precise sound capability involving a specialized nervous system. This can create a topological model of their environment with exquisite precision. Bats guided by sound alone can fly safely through a space crisscrossed with fine threads and can accurately lo- the e-magazine issue 13 / 2006 cate tiny insects in flight to capture them and gobble them up. Each evening we kids listened to The Allen, Jack Benny, Tim and Irene, Since it is the rare human who is Singing Lady, Uncle Don, Jack Arm- Amos and Andy, Burns and Allen, There were others, of course. During fascinated by gobbling flying insects strong (the all American boy), The Eddie Cantor, Jimmy Durante, Lum the day there were the soap operas humans have a more generalized Lone Ranger, Little Orphan Annie and Abner, The Columbia Workshop, like the Story of Mary Marlin, Our sound capability to create their sur- (with her dog Andy-arf, arf), Bobby The Mercury Theater, Fibber Magee Gal Sunday, The Romance of Helen roundings and this permits sound to Benson, The Shadow, Buck Rogers, and Molly, Grand Central Station, Trent, Stella Dallas, Myrt and Marge delude humans into a fabricated real- and Mr. Keen, tracer of lost persons. Major Bowes Amateur Hour, Can and the Goldbergs. In the evening, ity which is the magic of radio. In a On special nights there were Edgar You Top This, The Sixty Four Dollar news people like Gabriel Heater and radio studio a technician can crumple Bergen and Charlie McCarthy, Fred Question, Information Please. Lowel Thomas and H.V.Kaltenborn cellophane to create a roar- were the early people to be ing fire, can slap his thighs succeeded by Edward R. in a precise pattern to cre- Murrow and Eric Sevar- ate a galloping horse, can ide; a rich and fascinating repeatedly permit a loose parade of personalities kept bundle of dowels to hit a the nation enthralled and table top and an army re- informed. And it created its lentlessly marches forward. own reality that occasion- To do this on television is a ally even revealed the real very expensive business. world.

Radio is cheap because it It was only during the Sec- calls upon the imagination ond World War that corre- and experience of the lis- spondents were actually sta- tener that can evoke vivid tioned overseas to report the pictures in the mind. In this, news on the spot. The Co- it is closely related to the lumbia Broadcasting Sys- written word. The visual tem was prominent in this image is where humanity effort and Edward Murrow lives so humans are very is still fondly remembered good in accepting abstract in his courageous battle sound clues to make per- with the despicable Repub- sonal mental images. lican Senator McCarthy in the current ﬁlm “Goodnight With a good descriptive and Good Luck”. narrator, sound can create a beautiful woman, a deli- And, of course, after WWII, cious frying breakfast, the there was the rise of the wry roaring takeoff of a huge funny men like Henry Mor- spaceship, an encounter gan (who was chastised for with a most horrible mon- claiming Life Savers can- ster, a snoring slob, a swarm dies cheated the public with of vicious invincible insects, the hole in the center) and - all at negligible cost. Each Bob and Ray. of these pictures is different for each individual since we Radio today is submerged have each lived different by all the other ways people lives with different ideals have perfected to commu- but this is far more effective nicate throughout the world than an actual picture that but I am still nostalgic over appeals to the taste of the that couple of decades be- TV director but has variable fore the rise of television effect on the individuals in when immense talent cre- an audience. ated an era when the human ear overwhelmed temporar- I grew up in Brooklyn, ily the ever-dominant eye. New York, back in the 1930s when radio was the emperor of the imagination. radio waves

RadioBy Thanos Kalamidas memories

When I was a kid there was a rule in the house, eight o’clock I should be in bed. A different time then, please don’t kill us, we are broth- The amazing thing is that the same same people who owned football radio has lost something. I have a ers.’ Only the sound of the voice man later became the leader of the teams started owning radio sta- weekly radio show with Asa, but I school was six days a week, Saturdays included with church in the morning. Anyway I must have been in my memory still brings tears in conservative party, but I think his tions. To be a radio producer meant still miss the hours spent in the ra- eight or nine years old when, as a Christmas present, I got a small transistor. my eyes. more modern touch on the contem- that you could bring adverts and dio station in Athens, helping each porary life and his honesty didn’t radio shows were depending on other and making shows for fun not The decade also meant another let him survive long in a conserva- statistics and numbers. Quality and for the numbers. You never know, thing, the pirate radio stations. tive party at least as a leader. passion had no room there. this might be another period before The show had dramatized stories of rock & roll. The man was wow, The on about copying. Then we used Suddenly student bedrooms and the next evolution like it happened Now, talking about a small transis- young men and women who been Beatles and The Rolling Stones, to create our own cassettes with garages with a transmitter and a The 90s was the total commerciali- I know that I might sound bitter back in the ‘70s. tor in the age of the Walkman and caught by the communist spider in- Bob Dylan and Joan Baez. The Vi- music from the radio. Believe or record player became radio sta- zation of the radio. Suddenly the about the ‘90s, but I feel that the iPods and I don’t know what else side the web, trying to escape. They etnam War was going on and Wolf- not…I still have one of them. tions. Boys and girls were sharing is like talking about cave paintings were some kind of light spy stories man Jack was playing Neil Young their personal stories or passions in the Tate Gallery, but back in the with stereotype dialogues, but in and Let Emily Play, the first Pink The ‘70s gave me one of my most with the radio waves. Unbeliev- ‘60s that was a real revolution. I this radio play it was always Stalin, Floyd song I ever heard. dramatic radio moments. The stu- able moments, John loves Mary could fit it in my pocket and it soon angry with a heavy Russian accent, dents of the polytechnic closed and he dedicates the next song. became a nightmare for my father making it the one aim of his life to Later I got another transistor or bet- themselves inside their school dem- That was real fun but out of all this since the small transistor accompa- catch the little boy or girl that was ter a cassette player with a radio, onstrating for freedom and democ- bad broadcasting came some really nied me at all times, except school trying to escape from the big ugly you might have seen them in some racy against the dictatorship. They good DJs who really loved radio hours. The batteries rarely lasted spider. He was using all his forces kind of Pop Art museums, the ones created a small radio station since and made history. In Greece one of more than two days and when they and most of all the scary KGB. I’m where the cassette is on the top and a lot of them were engineers and them was Giannis Petridis, a man died it was like somebody had tak- sure that this sounds unbelievable the buttons are huge. That was the seconds before the army attacks the with over 30,000 LPs and the first en my breath away from me. for the younger generation but then moment I started recording my building and the tank destroys the to bring punk to the Greek pirate it was reality. favorite songs. I think that should entrance of the school killing more stations playing Sham 69, Sex Pis- The radio became my inspiration be a reminder to all those record than a hundred kids a girl’s voice tols and Blondie. for another love in my life, the The first time I came in contact companies executives who going was screaming, ‘We are brothers, theater. Back in the ‘60s in most with Shakespeare it was through The 80s was the era of the private countries, including Greece, the ra- the radio again. Macbeth, my all radio stations which was nothing dio was a state business with very time favorite play, was broadcast- other than all the passion of the little advertisement and most of ing on the radio and then came all ones who survived the pirate sta- the European radio stations were the big Greek theater plays. Litera- tions becoming legal. The first trying to be as more intellectual as ture was to follow, believe it or not radio station was a result of one possible, with the BBC as their role the first time I heard about Jerome man’s effort and surprisingly a model. There were a lot of plays J. Jerome and his three men was in politician who, at the time, was the on the radio. I know it will sound a radio programme when a woman major of Athens, Miltiadis Evert. weird but my first contact with with a very soft voice read chapter The man, despite political and ide- Samuel Becket came through a ra- after chapter in a daily programme. ological differences, called around dio broadcasting play at the age of him people who loved radio to staff nine, I think. In the late-60s Greece suffered from the first private radio station. the dictatorship and more anti-com- I used to go to bed at eight, lights munist programmes appeared, with I was lucky enough to be part of turned off and my little transistor in rock & roll becoming somehow il- that and I have some of the best my ear listening to “Monday theat- legal since it was against the reli- memories from that time. Nobody er” or every Wednesday “Caught in gious and nationalistic ethic of the ever told us what to say and how the spider’s web”, I’m sure some dictators. The American bases in to say it, nobody ever told us what Greeks will remember that and Athens created a radio station that kind of music to play and as long I have no doubt that similar pro- started broadcasting an all Ameri- we kept some kind of ethic code, grammes were on the radio in other can programme with a lot of jazz, no swearing, we were totally free European countries. Remember it blues and an hour of rock & roll. in our choices. I still think that this was the ‘60s in the middle of the period, except mine, was the best Cold War, so the spider’s web was Wolfman Jack! I’m serious, that period of Greek radio and many the other side. was the name of a DJ with a very people who later had radio or tel- wolfish voice who brought to me evision careers started from there.

Do they have deep booming voices packed with Barry White bass or squeak like a couple of helium addicts? Now you can hear for yourself... the Ovi Βad Βoys show Every show online for your aural convenience promises My vow to thee By Asa Butcher

“I promise to help when times get bad and to let you have your privacy. Not to take drugs or become an alcoholic. To be honest and to love and help in times of trouble, I, Asa, take you to be my lawfully wedded the e-magazine issue 14 / 2006 wife.”

These are my own wedding vows written at the age of eleven and I have not stopped laughing about them since ﬁnding them in one of my old school books last week. In the space of 45-words, I manage to promise my future wife that times will get bad and there will be times of trouble, both probably due to my losing battle against alcohol and narcotics.

It is reassuring that I promised her honesty and privacy, plus there was a mention of love in there somewhere. Thankfully, my views on marriage have altered a great deal since my bachelor days in high school, although my parents are currently concerned about who were my role models at the time of writing those vows.

Nobody has any idea - at least they are not admitting to it - where the belief that abstinence from alcohol and drugs originat- ed. Its inclusion highlights something sinister in my pre-teen sub- conscious or perhaps I was just a socially aware child who believed that a husband and wife should be free from addiction…except DVDs and chocolate, of course.

When the topic of ‘promises’ was chosen for this Ovi, my mind went straight to marriage and the words two people declare to one another. Some stick to the tried and tested ofﬁcial word- ing, while others decide to spice up the ceremony with their own romantic creativity.

My wife and I went for the latter, which was made easier due to the vomiting among the guests. We lad, so there was no need for a service being a civil wedding and began by saying that the purpose pre-nuptial agreement, although There was no sign of obeying the a little more ﬂexible. Nerves held of marriage is the establishment I did happily offer to split my stu- husband, death do us part, sick- us back from choosing to memo- of a family for the common good dent loan debt in half. Following ness and health, bad or troubled rise lengthy monologues, so we of its members and the preserva- her polite refusal, I decided to re- times and deﬁnitely no mention let the registrar read them to us tion of society, and that marriage read this verbal agreement and of alcoholism, which must all be in both languages and we merely is intended to be permanent to al- noticed one or two rather inter- positive signs. answered ‘I do’, then ‘tahdon’. low the family members to estab- esting loopholes in the contract, lish a happy home together. but when it comes to the ‘unwrit- I believe that our vows were a ten rules’ they don’t need to be, bit sugary, but didn’t trigger any My wife married a poor English err, written. promises Future LittleBy Thanos Kalamidas Napoleons

While writing an article about politicians and unfulfilled promises, I started thinking about promises that I fell into, unfulfilled promises and oddly the biggest number of them were professional promises. By Mark Hayton The truth is that for most of us after a certain age, let’s say around mid-twenty, what counts more is a requirements promising career, even a promising job that can bring food to the table and let us live a life with dig- As a general rule I never make promises. In my so far short life, I have found myself to be in the past somewhat unreliable. Don’t misunderstand me, I am generally a well-rounded human being, and barring a few minor moral glitches along the way I have generally proven to be a man of dependability and honesty possessing time- nity. of promises. promises to the level that he was abusive way. I was aware of what keeping skills comparable to most pendulums. Looking back at more than twen- willing to get more jobs and keep was going on while it was hap- ty years of professional life and “When we get better, I will give us busy 24/7, but he was not will- pening and I helped these people you enough money to live like ing to give any more money. You whenever I could, but the choice having enjoyed a good career, I My problem, should you choose to do something I loved or be some- a prince!” or “I have jobs for see, in addition to his ‘I’m not to end our cooperation had to be think after one point you become to perceive it as such, is my sin- where that I actually wanted to be. you to keep you busy 24/7 and paying policy’, he added two at the right time. aware of the promises that have cerity. I like to stick to my word I promise you will soon see.” In more things. “As a principal I no hope but you play the game as often as possible, and one of the meantime, the work for his don’t pay because I get people Many people fell into his trap believing that you can profit in the defining characteristics of a small company was increasing, from the unemployment office, I during the two years I worked different ways. This is what I promise is its future requirements. have seen in recent years. demanding more and more and I give them a chance and the state for this little Napoleon and sadly realized that al the staff were liv- pays” and the third, “You look fi- he isn’t alone. The system gives The fact is plans change, people ing on promises. nancially comfortable, you don’t them the chance to exist and they A friend of mine accepted a very change, lives evolve and sometimes need more money.” Perhaps he are exactly the ones who abuse low paid job that came with a lot its hard enough to adapt on your own When the company became obvi- was confusing dignity with in- the system. of promises, many of which he … a promise is an extra weight to ously profitable, a second round come. knew would never be fulfilled; carry, in short, a promise is a burden. he just made sure that his busi- of theories were spouted, “I don’t So be careful to promises, in pay you because I give you the I might sound bitter to some peo- Greece we have a phrase: When ness card read ‘Marketing Di- I mean I do understand the good na- chance to become legitimate in ple and I could go on for pages you hear about too many cher- rector’ in bold lettering. It took ture of promises they’re born always this country and build a reputa- saying stories about this certain ries, hold a very small basket. him three months to move to a of good intentions and I understand tion, otherwise who would ever man, such as how he uses foreign- different and far bigger company the satisfaction received from ac- know you?” The promises were ers as slave labour in the most in a lower position, with the title tually validating faith and trust in still there, except that now they ‘Assistant Director of Market- something tangible … but its not. ing’, but with a good salary and a were accompanied by a new element: Loyalty. “You show me promising future - he knew how You may believe, truly believe in loyalty and I promise you that I to play the game. something enough to carve it in stone will fill every minute of your day and say that it will definitely occur, with jobs and money.” A few years ago, I accepted a po- but that doesn’t necessarily make it so. sition in a company doing some- You can never actually know what’s Every month I watched the com- thing that would employ some- going to happen. You can guess or pany grow bigger, while realizing thing like 15% of my knowledge make predictions and even use prom- that the little Napoleon was using and 50% of my time. I took the ises to try to insure you’re future but 95% of my time and leaving me job after becoming bored of be- the tangible, immovable, inflexible the other 5% to recover. He was ing in front of my home compu- promise will not adapt as you do. Nor monopolizing my creativity for ter all the time. I thought it was will it change, for if it did, it wouldn’t his profit and not even throwing a good chance to utilize the idea be the same promise anymore, it a bone to my side; brutally ex- that work can give you some would be an entirely new entity. kind of social life, something posing his greed in the most obvious way. that is much-needed, especially The most important concept to me in a country where you are a for- isn’t how I or anyone else views a The company never had any eigner and you don’t speak the promise it’s the almost universal chance to get better, since the lit- language. understanding of a broken promise tle Napoleon increased his ‘sal- … a lie. If you promise to do some- ary’ logarithm equally to the in- The owner of the company was thing or be somewhere and you’re creasing income of the company. a small self-centered man with not, the consequence is, at the very When the company made €100 a strong Napoleon complex. least, being perceived as unreliable profit his salary was 80, when it Money was the only motivation maybe untrustworthy. This, for me, was €1,000 his salary became 980, in his life and he naively thought is a high price to pay when I try to when the figure reached €10,000 that what drove him would work think of the last time I had to promise with everybody. However, since his salary was 9,980, and so on. he was not willing to share any There was never any chance for income with any of the people anybody else. who worked for him, he used money as motivation in the guise The promises would always stay the e-magazine issue 15 / 2006

Nuclear fusion TEARS the world apart SAY YES TO PEACE boundaries Political boundaries Building boundaries By Thanos Kalamidas By Thanos Kalamidas

The latest event from Greece makes me wonder how far boundaries can go. The socialist part chose a It is nearly twenty years since the fall of the Berlin wall and other walls seem to come just to remind us that Muslim woman as a candidate for the municipality elections. The woman was born in Greece, has Greek boundaries are still here. The USA government builds a wall on the border with Mexico and Israel contin- parents and she comes from an area in northern Greece where there is a strong Muslim minority. ues its wall to separate the Jewish population from the Palestinians ignoring borders and agreements.

You would imagine that the first question that she would have to face as a candidate would be what’s her plans for the area that has a lot The walls don’t just keep the out- him and the etiquette was enough people around us. The fight against an-hour and then avoiding one an- of needs. That’s the logical thing siders out, but keeps the citizens for him to expel the woman to the boundaries should start from each other for the rest of the night. to happen, but she has had to deal prisoners to their own prejudices worst hell without any excuses. one of us individually. with another series of questions and boundaries. Boundaries be- Having a kid, especially a daugh- that all centralized on her Muslim cause there is no other way to de- In a conversation at a party a few I was really careful in the examples ter, has made me more aware of religion and most of all if she has or scribe what’s happening. Between months ago, a young man from I used because racism and prejudice the boundaries I will have to cross hasn’t connections with Turkey. the USA and Cuba there is a sea Turkey could only talk about Cy- is not a far step from these bounda- in the next few years and the only with sharks and wild waves, but prus emphasizing my Greek ori- ries. For as long as we acknowl- thing I can think of is how the hell You see that was the issue. It didn’t has this ever stopped the illegal im- gins, which was traumatic since the edge that there are boundaries there can I forbid my daughter from do- really matter if she was a Muslim. migration the last 40 years? Why only thing I wanted was to have a is hope and we must never forget ing nothing more than the same After all, there are thousands of will a wall stop the Mexicans from Muslim immigrants in Greece, ac- illegally crossing the borders? tive and productive from nearly everywhere. There are Kurds, Paki- Walls only hide their own bounda- stanis and from nearly every single ries and by putting their head in Muslim African and Asian country. the sand like an ostrich and avoiding the real problem. The solution Without going into historical de- should be found first before mov- tails, less than a century ago both ing to building a wall. Prejudice Greece and Turkey had been nearly has become a boundary for both led to a doom with peace the only Palestinians and Israelis. For every solution, so as a guarantee to that Israeli a Palestinian is a terror- peace they made a population exist ready to kill everybody who is change in the sense that people around. For every Palestinian, an from both sides during the centu- Israeli represents the invader and ries had crossed the borders. Both murderer of children who occupies countries found themselves with their land. some thousands of the other country’s ethnic minority. Palestine and Israel are extreme examples but you have only to check During the last century the Greek the news to see how many bounda- minority in Turkey decreased from ries are around us in every single some thousands to a few hundred, tions like, if a war happens between believes is personal and is pro- part of the world. Boundaries that I were shocked a year ago when but this is not the right place to ex- Greece and Turkey on which side tected by the constitution, can’t we have to do with nearly everything: an MP of the Swedish People’s plain how that happened - there are will you be? When the woman an- understand this? color, religion, education, sexual- Party, Mrs. Eva Biaudet, told us history books even films to explain. swered that she hopes that peace Personally I wish good luck to ity, past, future, cooking, language, in an interview that after a speech From the other side, the Muslim will be the solution and never a war, this woman and I consider a very accent, the list is endless. she made in the parliament about minority in Greece thrived and in- they translated that as a betrayal. wise decision of the socialist party the Swedish minority’s rights in creased, so within four generations But I would have given exactly the to nominate her as a candidate. If Studying psychology I came across Finland another member of the they had assimilated into Greek same answer, so does that make me we want to move to a more mul- the question if you should cast parliament screamed, “If you don’t society and there was nothing to a traitor? It is probably more likely ticultural society that accepts and people in wider teams and groups. like it go back to Sweden.” Oddly remind them of their Turkish roots, a pacifist, but for her there was only respects the differences we have to Following what most of my profes- enough, out of all the Finns I met except some idiots who consider one answer. If the woman wanted do it with radical changes and this sors said, I decided that every indi- joyful couple of hours and drink a that we all have our boundaries one things I did when I was a kid and a over the last five years she is more themselves protectors of the Greek to be accepted she should take a is one of them. No change is easy vidual was exceptional and despite few pints of beer. In the end I felt way or another. teenager. I think by just doing that Finn than the most Finns I met, if values. machine gun, cross the borders and and I doubt if the woman will be similarities you have to treat every like a representative of the Greek I will have become a better person there is a way to measure it. start shooting some Turks maybe elected, but let’s hope that the rea- patient individually and take care Foreign Office occasionally saying To cross the line is not difficult and and my daughter might live in a so- Unfortunately, those include mem- then they would be happy. son she will not be elected won’t of his/her own individual needs. things I didn’t really agree with. the anti-Americanism of the Iranian ciety without a need for etiquettes bers of parliament and the media. be her religious beliefs but that the Somehow the same applies with becomes hate to anything American and walls. The church should not be surprises, Over two thousand years ago when opposition conservative party can- the boundaries. For a certain Iranian who lives blinding him as a consequence and since there are religious fanatics on Athens was the superpower, con- didate is quite strong – something in Helsinki every American, as a leading him to prejudice against every side, but the surprise was that trolling the whole known world that might raise some suspicions, Before we move to social bounda- principal, is a bad guy, a supporter innocent people making him no the church was the one that reacted and building magnificent temples but still it is an example that must ries we have to do something with of George W. Bush and it doesn’t different than the usual skinheads. better in the whole situation by for the twelve gods, Socrates was be followed and respected. our personal boundaries. In a con- matter how twisted he’s express- If that Turkish man would have keeping a low profile. ready to say loud that the existence versation we started with a friend ing himself his true is the only true. crossed the line of his boundaries of one god was possible. Can’t this Don’t think that this is just a Greek in Ovi forum about the leader of All of us added together combine we could have both really had a The candidate had to face ques- become a lesson? What everybody phenomenon. In Finland, Asa and the left alliance in Finland I found to make society and we have the good time drinking our pints and that the word ‘communist’ had be- liberty to express ourselves and talking about the Finnish weather come a taboo. It was a boundary for aware whether or not to influence and football, instead of a tense half- boundaries Where are the

‘wows’? By Asa Butcher July 21, 1969: A small family sits in silence around their black and set television set in a town just outside London; it is approaching 0147. The images on the screen are difﬁcult to make out clearly, but the sound is audible. After years of anticipation everybody is in awe of what is unravelling before them, the tension ﬁlls the room as the fuel begins to run dangerously low and then Neil Armstrong says, “Houston, Tranquillity Base here. The Eagle has landed.”

Three and a half decades later protests seen during the Vietnam McDonalds has spread across the living rooms. NASA successfully lands two War? Where are the thousands of globe, Bill Gates does monopolise probes on Mars, but families across passionate anti-war campaigners the computer industry, what can we The magnitude of natural phenom- the globe are not sat around their demonstrating against the govern- do about it and why should we care ena, such as the Northern Lights plasma television sets watching in ments involved? One annual march anyway? The world is hardening and the Grand Canyon, are vastly amazement. What has happened to against Bush, Blair and the war our cynicism, eroding our trust and reduced after appearing in the me- us? Mankind sending a probe to an- feels lightweight, plus if it rains on numbing our disappointment, plus dia countless times that when we other planet is an incredible techno- the day then numbers drastically we are suffering from the mindset: actually go we already have an logical leap, but it seems as though drop - the British miners in the it’s not my problem. imagined experience; the moment it was not big enough to keep the 1980s managed bigger demonstra- is watered down and a disappoint- world’s collective attention longer tions alone. The past was no better, but thanks ment. On the other hand, we have than a segment on the news. to distorted nostalgia people can areas of natural beauty that are in ‘What is the point?’ many of us ask remember the past as they wanted danger of vanishing forever, such Every day we hear of another ad- and this apathy is running through it to be and the danger with that is as the Australian Coral Reef, so vance in technology in all areas of all aspects of our life. A recent en- some try to replicate the past. Elvis huge numbers of tourists visit be- life, we are informed of another vironmental report announced that Presley may have been the king in fore they vanish thereby contribut- disease being tamed, but none of a quarter of the world’s plant and the ‘70s, but my generation are of- ing more to the criminal damage makes us stop what we are doing vertebrate animal species will face fered the impersonators, and Live against our planet. and say, ‘wow’. The speed of in- extinction by 2050, but most of Aid was a moment in time, while formation is stopping us from ab- us reply, ‘And?’ The Green Party Live 8 was a poor diluted copy. Our children may only be able to sorbing these monumental break- seems to have given up all hope, see an elephant in a history book throughs leaving us apathetic to they collected signatures in a letter Heroes become villains, like soon, they will become legends like it all. Talk of cloning and cures addressing fellow MPs, which isn’t Michael Jackson, and villains be- the dinosaurs, but at least they will for AIDS leaves us thinking ‘it’s much when campaigning against a come heroes, like New Labour in enjoy the benefits of cloning, two- about time’ and ‘why did it take so fifth nuclear power plant in the year Britain; history is turned on its head hour flights from UK to New Zea- long?’ marking the twentieth anniversary as the past is idealised, becom- land, cures for cancer and AIDS, of Chernobyl. ing mythical in nature. Margaret and computers that may finally be We fail to comprehend the signifi- Thatcher is now Tony Blair, Rich- as fast as we demand of them. Per- cance of these scientific discover- Global warming, sweatshops, glo- ard Nixon is now George W. Bush, haps they may reach a saturation ies; we just absorb them into our balisation and more have been ac- which shows that we do not learn point and stop, a five-minute res- daily lives by buying the latest cepted by the majority because from the past forever condemned to pite to realize what the world has mobile telephone with its built-in if governments really wanted to repeat our mistakes. achieved and say, ‘wow.’ ironing board and Geiger counter. instigate change then they would We have even been desensitised to have passed a law immediately. In Too young to remember the Royal the value of money with recent es- the wake of the terror attacks on Wedding of Charles and Diana, timates that the cost of the war in America and London, both coun- old enough to watch her funeral; Iraq could be well over $1 trillion, tries rapidly invested billions, cre- missed man on the moon, but saw an amount that has no perspective, ated new laws designed to combat the space shuttle Challenger ex- no reality, you can’t even visualise terrorism and threaten our basic hu- plode; Concorde is retired and hun- the amount of schools and hospitals man rights, yet abject poverty and dreds have climbed Mount Everest; that could build. deteriorating health systems are what is left to amaze, except death? prevalent in both these countries Catastrophes always capture our at- The two televised wars against Iraq and nothing significant has ever tention with the World Trade Center and the invasion of Afghanistan happened. attacks, Hurricane Katrina and the have left many indifferent to the Indian Ocean Earthquake, but we grim realities of war, especially We have resigned ourselves to be- feel like macabre voyeurs watch- when we see corpses while eating ing helpless, toothless in the face ing them on our plasma TV screens our dinner. Where are the massive of government and globalisation. from the comfort and safety of our copycats Copycat politics By Thanos Kalamidas

Sometimes reading the proﬁles of parties nowadays - especially the major parties - you can get confused, not only because they say similar things but because they often adopt positions the others had used in the past. the e-magazine issue 16 / 2006

ample, but that happens everywhere ended yet and obviously it will end they exchanged backgrounds. You ﬁnd out that the difference be- in the last few years. If you listen to with the disappearance of the word tween what Labour’s Tony Blair the Finnish prime minister talking ‘communist’ from their title. From the minute the conservative says in UK about the free market about the changes he’s planning for parties found its ideas being copied and what the Republican George unemployment you will think that All the European socialists and in by the socialists and Labours they W. Bush says about the same thing you are hearing a social democrat general center-left and left parties did exactly the same. Now you ﬁnd in the USA are closer to what the of the ‘70s and not a conservative are multi-collective, hosting gay the conservatives behind the unions Conservatives say. On the other leader. Next you hear what the and environmental movements to while the socialists and Labour try hand, reading the Conservative more radical leader of the Green Trotskyites and euro-communists to control them. How confusing is manifesto you feel that Red Arthur Party has to say about the free under the same roof, plus they even that for the electoral body? from the ‘80s is the one who wrote market you might fall into coma have most conservative former it. and pray that this is a time travel center parties members and from Tony Blair is the perfect example. and suddenly Margaret Thatcher is their mainly agricultural and union Despite his total conservative turn This doesn’t exist during the elec- speaking Finnish. background have become urban calling it the New Labour and hav- tion period when they are both re- parties where their voters are most- ing a more socialist approach than membering their theoretical roots What’s going on? Probably there ly middle-class people. the conservatives, the Labour Party and become black and white by is no mystery behind it. Before the won the last few elections and not agreeing on any simple issue. end of the communist regimes in It is noticeable that Tony Blair is Tony Blair became prime minister However, this doesn’t include their East Europe the lines where obvi- not exactly a union man, more a for the third time. People probably programs and manifests that seem ous and simple became blurred and country club person drinking tea think that despite his conservative to come out of the masters of copy- despite the myths behind the reality while checking his stocks in the mask he is a Labour man or that cat. about the all equal East European market and oddly enough start- the Conservatives, despite their regimes the left European parties ing with the former Prime Minis- Labour mask, will never change I used the example of the British lost their identity. Even the strong ter John Major the majority of the and behind the mask there is only prime minister and the American Italian communist party went Conservative leadership have a one face and that is Margaret president just to emphasize the ex- through a long crisis that hasn’t working class background. It is like Thatcher’s! Editorial

the e-magazine issue 16 / 2006 t’s said that imitation is the even ‘Ovi Sanomat’ Ovi magazine is to mass murderer ignoring any civil when I said that I didn’t want to talk highest form of flattery, but magically there first! right. I care that the west is closing anymore about these masturbators of why didn’t we feel flattered their eyes creating more anti-terrorist their ego because there are more seri- when somebody tried to copy- When Mr. Jone Nikula decided to excuses for their policies. ous problems and I want Ovi magazine cat the Ovi magazine? On the open the Ovi (Ovi in Finnish means to fulfill its reasoning by expressing Icontrary, we felt anger. It was not the ‘door’) of imitation and copycat he I care that the Arabs are ignoring and screaming opinions when things anger you feel when somebody steals probably didn’t realize that he had the number of deaths that are rising happen, since that’s the only weapon something of yours, it was the sort opened Pandora’s Box. It’s only left as they take care of the price of oil. I we have. We are thinking about it and of anger that brings every possible for us to see if his Pandora’s Box has care that 30 years have passed since soon we will act and I promise you swearword you learnt in all possible viruses and monsters just like the the Turkish invasion of Cyprus and will be the first to know. languages. original did. So, inspired by all this nobody seems to be doing anything we decided to make this month’s issue to punish the criminals. On the con- Anyway, from this issue we welcome It’s said, and I can verify it myself, a special about copycats. trary, they ask the victim of the rape a new writer, Jane Eagle, a cybermate that when burglars rob your house to negotiate and finally, like one of my I met in the wonderful world of blogs, you always have the funny feeling that Going through the articles we have blog-friends wrote: I care about what who will be writing a column called somebody is still there. The feeling in written to cover this issue of copycats happened with justice, simple human ‘Jane of Thought’. By the way, I think Ovi magazine is much different, how I drew one conclusion and I hope you justice. in the near future we must have an is- did they dare to do that? will excuse me because I can find no sue about blogs, since I made many better words to express myself: People Thinking about all these things while and wonderful friends in there, peo- How did they really? In a first com- who commit imitations and copycats bombs were falling in Beirut, I found ple who have too much to say and munication with somebody Ari some- are doing nothing more than mastur- out that I could – not that I didn’t want they are always invited to join us in thing Paskanen, the excuse was…we bating with their failed ego. That’s to – I could not write anything about the Ovi Project. didn’t know and we checked the Net, enough about copycats because at this it. The reason is very simple, the two but we didn’t see anything. I suppose very moment there are more impor- scared kids I was watching the other We have all the usual suspects enrich- that’s the problem with the Internet tant things happening that we should day crying in front of their house in ing our Ovi magazine with their work in Alpha Centaury, bad connections. concentrate upon. pieces might not be alive next week. and some more to come in the near I’m not becoming melodramatic; I’m future. Actually, I started dreaming Here on Earth, Google, Yahoo, Al- While writing this editorial Israel just saying something that is possible. again and we promise that surprises taVista and other search engines find continues the demolition of Lebanon. And that sunk me. Sunk me into des- will come soon from the Ovi Project. Ovi magazine sometimes up to 180,000 I don’t care for the excuses, actually peration. My only defense, my only times. Most of them have Ovi maga- they sound very poor and sad - I care weapon is my pencil and using it once Enjoy the issue zine second or third when you search for the poor kids and innocent people a month then it becomes blank. for ‘Ovi’ and guess what? When you who die every moment. I care that Is- Thanos try Finnish words like ‘Ovi Lehti’ or rael, a victim of genocide, has turned You see that’s what I meant before copycats

Copy about By Asa Butcher cats Cinematic By Asa Butcher copycat

This issue’s theme of ‘copycat’ has inspired me to write about a different kind of cat; the domesticated One of my favourite topics over the past few months has been the lack of inspiration at the cinema, tabby. I became a reluctant cat owner almost two years ago after ﬁnally giving in to my wife’s continual with its mindless remakes, pointless sequels and TV-inspired insipidness. A quick look at the schedule persistence that we should have all our possessions covered in hair. However, we have many posses- for our local multiplex reveals the sad picture: ‘The Pink Panther’, ‘The Omen’ and even ‘Lassie’ are sions and one cat just couldn’t do the job fast enough, so we adopted two brothers, Del and Dave. all cashing in on the success and reputation of their predecessors.

Born in July and given to us allowed to roam the neighbour- peared from thin air and made they would love to be a cat, this year’s ‘Poseidon’ that has remade, excluding the ones that the 1957 Best Picture winner three months later, we were not hood slaughtering the wildlife a grab for their tail or decided well I don’t agree. Have you Last night I watched ‘Ishtar’, currently managed to return Hitch did himself, and that was ‘Around the World in 80 Days’, to learn how effective they are and defecating in other people’s that their food looks far tastier ever tried to wash yourself with the classic box office flop star- just $47m of its $160m budget. the bizarre version by Gus Van $95m on ‘The Alamo’ and $80m at shedding fur until the fol- gardens, so we invested in an than the mush Mummy serves. your tongue? I would choose a ring Warren Beatty and Dus- When I first saw the trailer my Sant in 1998 that reproduced on ‘The Manchurian Candi- lowing summer when we had elaborate multi-level cat tree sponge any day, while the whole tin Hoffman (see iKritic for the reaction was horror, especially the 1960 version nearly shot- date’. Why, why, why? Steve tumbleweeds of the stuff blow- that has now become their sanc- Cat food has been problematic hairball saga is just too tire- review), and was surprised to since it followed the trailer for-shot. Why this was neces- Coogan is no David Niven, Billy ing across our laminated floors tuary from our eleven-month- over the past few months with some. I do have to begrudgingly discover how much it bombed for ‘Miami Vice’, because was sary will remain a mystery for Bob Thornton is definitely not - I almost fed one of the larger old daughter’s curious fingers. both animals becoming increas- admit that the stroking cats en- upon its release in 1987. The shocked to see that they would me because to me it is like tak- John Wayne and Denzel Wash- balls of fur one day. In a mo- Her arrival has also meant that ingly fussy over what is in their joy would not be refused if of- US domestic gross totalled want to remake the 1972 origi- ing an airbrush and copying the ington is not Frank Sinatra. Yes, ment of desperation, I decided many of their favourite toys bowl. Okay, it doesn’t look like fered to me one evening, plus it $14,375,181, which barely paid nal with Gene Hackman. ‘The Mona Lisa - the same but just all three remakes bombed. it would be faster to abandon have been packed away because a mouse, it doesn’t smell like a is sweet the way that Del sleeps for the blind camel (see the film) Poseidon Adventure’ was the using modern tools. The Van the brush and simply vacuum babies seem to view the world mouse and it is curiously still on my chest at night; I just wish as the budget was $40,000,000. first and best disaster movie I Sant remake did manage to What made Michael Caine’s the excess hair from their bod- as a free-for-all buffet. for a mouse, so you can’t blame he would point his tail away During the research for my have seen and it happily put the break-even upon its release, but past movies so attractive to ies…now they are scared of the them for turning their noses up from my face. iKritic I noticed that a number nail in the coffin of my seafar- it was a waste of $20m. Hollywood studios over the last vacuum cleaner. There were many foreboding at mealtime, but we do blame of recent remakes have also ing dreams. few has baffled me, especially stories about cats and babies them. These creatures sniff poo been financial disasters. On the other hand, $20m is since they keep flopping at the Our two black and white fuzz told to us while my wife was in the litter tray and lick their To my knowledge, only one Al- pocket money when compared box office. Jude Law couldn’t monkeys provided us with the pregnant, including the one arses clean, but they refuse the The latest casualty has been fred Hitchcock film has been to the $110m spent on updating save the 2004 remake of ‘Alfie’ practice needed to take care of where the cat chooses the cot to expensive chicken cat food…I and Sylvester Stallone was out a baby, which was born nine sleep, but we are currently more just don’t get it. of his depth in the 2000 remake months later and, coincidental- worried about the cats. Curios- of ‘Get Carter’, although Mark ly, on the same day as the cats’ ity did not kill the cat, it was the I have heard many people say Wahlberg managed to break the birthday. They helped me over- fact that a baby suddenly ap- that if they were an animal trend by bringing financial suc- come my personal gross factor cess to the 2003 - there’s always when it comes to dealing with one that slips through. poo and taught me a smidge of patience when it comes to Hollywood will never learn its repairing the damage they ac- lesson and will continue its ‘spit cidentally cause to my belong- and shine’ job on the classics ings, although I did get some that the film industry was built revenge when we took them to upon. The day Tinsel town holds be neutered. open auditions for ‘The Godfa- ther’ remake then Tinsel Town My parents never allowed any will implode in a nasty way; it pets in the house, plus they are will happen, just you wait, be- bird lovers and have a slight cause somebody may make an grudge against the murdering offer that can’t be refused. felines…oh yeah, my mum is al- lergic too…so when my wife got her way and two cats entered my daily life I was forced to over- come many prejudices. I must admit that there is a Zen-like element to watching two kittens playing together, exploring new places and getting into trouble, so it didn’t take long for them to find a place in my heart.

We decided that Del and Dave would be house cats and not be It was a rainy evening and I felt tired, I don’t like the weather and you don’t want to understand.

the e-magazine issue 17 / 2006

Life undercover - Contents / E-ditorial Posts & comments-links / An anonymous comment - Posted by Anonymous / A voice from those with a voice! - Posted by Asa Butcher / Comic - Posted by Thanos & Asa / The blog, amongst other blab- ber - Posted by Jan Sand / ShowBizz - Posted by Thanos & Asa / The Podcast Craze ...a winter evening!!! Damn, delete. - Posted by Phil Schwarzmann / My Greek Stories blog - Posted by Thanos Kalami- das / Life undercover - Comments / Life Pictures - Posted by Dodoulis / Ο Έρωτας I said delete ... delete ...delete! είναι ψύχωση, η Γυναίκα εμμονή... - Posted by Χρήστος Φασούλας / Blogging - Posted by Trol / Περί Έθνους και άλλων δαιμονίων - Posted by Krot / The Top 10 Blogs / Publish a blog - Posted by Thanos Kalamidas / The list of the Top 15 Historical Blogs / Would you ever sue Google? - Posted by Soﬁa Gkiousou / Window to the nightmare - Posted by Thanos Kalamidas / Comic - Posted by Thanos & Inspired by Citronella

I must delete some of these ﬁles. cntr+alt+del Too many mp3 and videos in here....

It is a rainy evening

...a winter evening in the city!!! Posted by Thanos / Asa Comments Publish a blog sonal jokes, you are the only one who can see them and understand them; just like I always did with my drawings.

Stats have been always something that confused me. Here was me with a monthly magazine and every time I was asked how many visits the magazine has I was feeling worse and worse by saying that it makes from two hundred to four hundred a day. Sometimes I had to deal with smiles of sympathy and things like, “You have a long way to go!” Of course, I would ask back, “And what are you numbers?” To get the answer, “60,000 a month, at least!”

Sixty thousand a month was a number I could not even reach and it was making me more and more worried, since I wasn’t even a tenth of that. I had heard the excuses: monthly magazine people cannot visit your magazine every day because it changes once a month, but still…I was getting more and more frus- trated.

In the blogs, things are much, much simpler, or at least for a dinosaur like me. There I understood that they were talking about visits, while I was talking about average unique URL visits per day. Wow, suddenly 60,000 visits sounded like a… joke!

The last one was communication, visitors. All my life I have hated stereotypes, especially since I was often a victim of them being a Greek living abroad. I usually ignore all this deep analysis about bloggers in newspapers and magazines; I’m not around thirty and I have a quite an active social life, I’m definitely not a Posted by Thanos Kalamidas computer geek, although I do think computers are fantastic…typewriters and my ego had a lot of ways to express its opinions in public before the arrival of Comments the blog. Actually, many people didn’t understand why I need a blog as well, but that’s another story. It had been over a couple of years since I first heard about blogs before I decided to enter the blogosphere myself. Again I decided to enter this blog- The blogging community has impressed me in many ways and, of course, I’m universe for all the wrong reasons. Curiosity was my motivation and what was not judging anybody, like everything in life, there are positive and negative parts, happening with the blog a friend of mine has. so why should blogging become an exception? Sometimes I enjoy reading the news from a blog more than I would do reading it from a news agency. Oddly, it I created my first blog trying to find out what’s really going on with my site since seems that some bloggers are faster at bringing the news than the news agen- this friend had suggested that in the blog you have better control over who’s com- cies, even the world’s bigger ones. ing and who’s leaving, and since I’m a dinosaur myself he continued explaining that I will get a better understanding in coding, how stats work and how you can Due to blogging I have found myself talking with a young painter in Japan and attract visitors. a photographer in Chile, while thanks to the bloggers I found a couple of long lost friends. I’m not suggesting to everybody to open a blog, on the contrary. I Eight months later he was proved correct in every single remark he made. Lately explain that to do so, first of all, you must enjoy it, but, as I said in the beginning, I even managed to change a whole template to the way I like it and now I’m this trip that started eight months ago gave me a lot of answers and far more moving into more complicated tasks, and that somehow gives you the feeling new friends. Save and publish! that you are in control, you can choose photos and fonts, you can make little per- Blogging Comments You don’t need love... Posted by Trol Comments

All you need is blog!...

Exit soulless energy, exit drown reply. Use whatever it takes, a reunion of elves, an oceansized crash test.

Lead me on my dreams winter route prophecy! Celebrate, pose well and shoot high! Guns can’t kill what soldiers can’t see.

Kiteless, random power Clear well my head.

When I start writing a post for my blog, I do not have a pre- conceived, conscious idea of what I will write about. Very often I will start on a specific topic, describe a particular setting and somewhere along the way end up in unexpected places. However, there is always a very specific feeling I have on my mind that I would like to con- vey, a message, my way of interpreting the scene I have described. That is why I choose the titles of my posts very carefully to show exactly that, the essence of what I intended to write about. My post titles are in that sense the best guide to my blog, and putting them together in a small poem, I think they describe quite well why I am blogging.

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