By Patrick Rainville Dorn

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On all programs, printing and advertising, the following information must appear: 1. The full name of the play 2. The full name of the playwright 3. The following notice: “Produced by special arrangement with Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., Englewood, Colorado” FAERY FREE-FOR-ALL - Notes - By PATRICK RAINVILLE DORN

CAST OF CHARACTERS (In Order of Appearance) # of lines The Seelie Court TITANIA ...... faery queen of the summer 59 court of helpful faeries (F) PEASBLOSSOM ...... sprite (F/M) 13 MUSTARDSEED ...... sprite (F/M) 11 COBWEB...... sprite (F/M) 11 LADDIE ...... human raised by faeries (M) 29 THISTLE...... pixie; also plays LITTLE 21 ANGUS (F/M) HEATHER ...... pixie (F) 16 BROOM ...... pixie; also plays BONNIE (F) 33 BARLEY ...... brownie (F/M) 13 BRACKEN ...... brownie (F/M) 12 BRAN ...... brownie; also plays LORNA (F) 26 NOT-SO-FAST FOOD FAERY* ...... appetizer (F/M) 1 SELKIE* ...... seal-like shape shifter (F/M) 2 The Unseelie Court TAM LIN ...... faery queen of the winter court 42 of malevolent faeries (F) LASSIE ...... human raised by faeries (F) 21 MAGGY MOULACH ...... mill bogle; trickster brownie (F) 10 GLAISTIG ...... dairy bogle (F/M) 10 JENNY GREENTEETH ...... river hag (F) 14 SHELLYCOAT ...... bog bogeyman; also plays OLD 17 MACDONALD (M) WILL O’ THE WISP ...... ghost-like wraith (M/F) 11 WHUPPITY STOORIE ...... sow-like trow (troll) (F) 15 DOBIE BROWNIE-CLOD ...... pig-like trow (M) 19 WILD HAGGIS ...... hairy goat-like trow; also plays 14 CHANGELING (M)

ii PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS 31 For preview only NOTE ON ACCENTS BANSHEE ...... screeching messenger of 18 Scottish accents are notoriously diffi cult to do. Generally, it’s better death (F) to skip the accent entirely unless EVERYONE can do it well. There’s FAERY ENSEMBLE ...... as COWS and to help make sound a smattering of Scottish words and terms that will give the play effects its unique fl avor. Accents should never be allowed to interfere with * Cameo roles to be played by actors from the Unseelie Court. communicating the sense of the dialogue, and therefore should be consistent amongst the cast. The following characters narrate and/or act out the story of “The Changeling”: THISTLE, SHELLYCOAT, MAGGY MULACH, JENNY PRONUNCIATION GUIDE GREENTEETH, BROOM, WHUPPITY STOORIE, BRACKEN, DOBIE, Bairn (baby): pronounced like “air” with a “b” in the front and an “n” HEATHER, WILD HAGGIS, EXTRA FAERIES. at the end The following characters narrate and/or act out the story of “The Bossy Baker Woman”: MAGGY MULACH, MUSTARDSEED, COBWEB, Bogle (trickster brownie): Bah-gull GLAISTIG, PEASEBLOSSOM, BARLEY, BRAN, WILL O’ THE WISP, Glaistig (dairy bogle): Glay-stig BANSHEE, FAERIES. Hebrides (islands off the west coast of Scotland): Heh-brid-eze Hogmanay (New Year): Hog-man-ay, with accent on fi rst syllable SETTING Moulach (mill bogle): Moo-lock TIME: In the Never Never, time is so unpredictable you can never be quite sure when you are or how long you’ve been there. But it Och (expression like “Oh”): Ock appears to be midnight under a full moon. Seelie (faery folk): See-lee PLACE: An open meadow in the Midlands of Scotland. Seileag (Loch Ness monster): Sigh-lag The open meadow can be represented by an optional backdrop of a Selkie (seal person): Sell-key faery forest, with oversized mushrooms, fl owers and other foliage, is Sidhe (faery mound or hide out, or the faery realm): Shee the setting for the open meadow. For visual variety, add levels of berms and hillocks, rocks, logs, stumps or even wooden fences. But an empty Titania (queen of the summer faeries): Tie-tay-nee-yuh stage will also do nicely.

30 PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS iii For preview only WILD HAGGIS: Shaggy cloak, shaggy hair, beard, horns optional. FAERY FREE-FOR-ALL Mismatched shoes that cause the actor to move as though one leg is signifi cantly longer than the other, causing him to run in Scene One circles. (Think “Where the Wild Things Are” or Animal from “The Muppets.”) 1 AT RISE: LIGHTS are DIM. ENTRANCE MUSIC PLAYS. The helpful SEELIE FOLK ENTER at the back of the house and skip, fl it and tumble BANSHEE (in Scotland, “Bean-shidh,” messenger of death): Black- their way through the AUDIENCE, tickling, taunting and teasing them. hooded cloak or cape, long black hair, pale or skeletal features or MUSIC OUT. SOUND EFFECT: TRUMPET, DRUM ROLL, or BAGPIPE. half mask, black clothing, optional white bones painted on. Similar 5 LIGHTS UP FULL: SEELIE FOLK line up along the center aisle as they to Grim Reaper, but more feminine. giggle and speak in hushed whispers. PEASBLOSSOM: She’s coming! COSTUME ACCESSORIES MUSTARDSEED: Our queen has arrived. Cowboy hat, kilt (BIG ANGUS); frilly apron with pocket (BONNIE); baby bonnet, diaper (LITTLE ANGUS); raggedy cloak or coat, shabby hat (OLD COBWEB: Queen Titania is holding court tonight! (SEELIE FOLK bow MACDONALD); oversized baby bonnet, diaper (WILD HAGGIS); wide and 10 or curtsy. LADDIE ENTERS from the back of the theater, blowing on long ribbon (FAERIES); white apron with pocket, baker’s hat (LORNA). a trumpet, beating a drum or playing bagpipes, followed by TITANIA, wearing an airy, regal robe or wedding-type dress and a lightweight crown. Repeat ENTRANCE MUSIC, punctuated by LADDIE’S playing. THE “TUG OF WAR” SCENE TITANIA moves smoothly down the aisle and toward the STAGE. While TAM LIN and TITANIA are in the foreground discussing their 15 As she passes by them, SEELIE FOLK straighten, turn and follow discouragement about being nasty and nice, there’s a silent tug-of- behind her, skipping, dancing and tossing confetti, fl ower petals or war scene going on in the background. It’s not a long bit of dialogue, pixie dust here and there. TITANIA crosses to UP CENTER, turns and and rather than choreograph a fi ght scene or use stage combat, it is faces AUDIENCE. SEELIE FOLK scatter and sit at her feet LEFT and recommended that the director pose fi ve tableaus, positioning each RIGHT. TITANIA looks behind her and notices there is no place for person like a living statue. Then, have each actor rehearse moving 20 her to sit. Annoyed, she gestures to SEELIE FOLK, several of whom directly from one tableau to the next, with everyone moving at the gasp, run OFF and bring ON a fl ower-draped throne or oversized same speed. This will make for a much cleaner action scene with mushroom, placing it behind TITANIA, who rolls her eyes and sighs. smooth transitions, little or no possibility of injury, and that can be SEELIE FOLK take their places on the fl oor. TITANIA sits. MUSIC OUT. more easily timed to match the dialogue. The actors playing TAM LIN LADDIE fi nishes his FANFARE.) and TITANIA may also need to improvise a short amount of dialogue 25 TITANIA: (Takes a breath and begins to speak, but is interrupted by and rephrase or repeat lines, if necessary. LADDIE, who gives one last FANFARE. SEELIE FOLK cower.) Ahem. LADDIE: (Cowers.) Sorry. FLEXIBLE CASTING TITANIA: (Sighs.) Good help is so hard to abduct these days. (To Suggested cast of 22 (10 female, 4 male, plus 8 either). Extras are LADDIE.) So, go ahead. Introduce me. possible if you have a larger cast. Doubling is also possible for a 30 LADDIE: Right. (Stands.) The Seelie Court is now in session. Her smaller cast. For the two tales, the roles may be assigned to nearly any royal highness, Titania, Summer Queen of the Friendly Faery Folk, of the named faeries, or may be given to other ENSEMBLE MEMBERS. presiding. (Looks around and plays FANFARE in TITANIA’S ear.) Roles and dialogue may be combined or distributed evenly amongst the ENSEMBLE. For a larger cast, redistribute lines and characters TITANIA: (Jumps, knocking her crown askew.) Whoa! from the two tales amongst the extras, rather than having the roles LADDIE: (Sits and cowers.) Sorry! played by named characters. Or, for a smaller cast, reduce groups of 35 TITANIA: (Regains her composure and straightens her crown.) Well, three similar characters (sprites, pixies, brownies, etc.) to two and well. Here we are. The faery folk of the Seelie Court. The brightest redistribute their lines to make pairs of similar characters, then cast and most magical beings in all of Scotland, gathered together in the tales from the named ensemble as recommended in the cast of this Midland meadow for our full moon revels. (Points.) I see the characters. Highland pixies are present. Welcome, Thistle, Heather and Broom.

28 1 For preview only 1 (PIXIES stand, bow or curtsy, then sit.) And the Lowland brownies— FAERIES, and Halloween-style or animal makeup and wigs for the Barley, Bracken and Bran. (Points. BROWNIES stand, wave and sit.) UNSEELIE FAERIES. And of course, my own dainty Midland sprites—Peasblossom, TITANIA: Regal, airy robes or wedding dress and crown (perhaps made Mustardseed and Cobweb. (SPRITES stand, curtsy, fl it about and out of fl owers), ballet slippers. 5 giggle.) Sit. (SPRITES sit.) And all the rest, welcome. (OTHERS greet one another without standing.) We even have visiting delegations PEASBLOSSOM, MUSTARDSEED, COBWEB: Simple tunic with tights from magical water beings—a selkie from the Orkney Islands… or leggings. Consider adding wings, fl owing, colorful fabrics, ballet slippers, fl owers, wreaths and garlands, in pea green, mustard SELKIE: (ENTERS. Moves like a seal, claps hands together and barks.) yellow and sky blue, respectively. Ork, ork, ork. (TITANIA mimes throwing a fi sh to SELKIE, who 10 “catches” it and gobbles it down, then EXITS barking.) Ork, ork, ork. THISTLE, HEATHER, BROOM: Tights, leggings or knee-length pants, TITANIA: And from Loch Ness, a seileag. (A very large cardboard tunic or cutaway jackets, silly hats, pointy-toed shoes or buckle or foam board cut-out dinosaur head and neck of Nessie, the shoes (think leprechauns), in primary colors. Loch Ness Monster, protrudes ONSTAGE and “bites” the NOT-SO- BARLEY, BRACKEN, BRAN: Brown and earth tones for tights, leggings FAST FOOD FAERY, who grabs the Nessie head and pushes it OFF, or pants, shirts, vests or jackets, or skirts, acorn cap hats, pointy- 15 appearing to be dragged OFF while screaming. [NOTE: If it’s not toed shoes or buckle shoes, or slippers. possible to have Nessie, cut all the onstage business and instead SEELIE FAERIES: Anything fanciful, magical, fl owing, glittering, fl owery, produce a loud, OFFSTAGE ROAR followed by a CAT SCREECH, then bright colors. Spring and summer themes. have NOT-SO-FAST FOOD FAIRY scream “My kitty!” or something to UNSEELIE FOLK: Costumes could be more contemporary and refl ect that effect, and EXIT.]) Halloween, punk or Goth styles mixed in with the fanciful and 20 SEELIE FOLK: (FREEZE, staring OFFSTAGE, then ALL UNFREEZE and magical. wince as NESSIE “chomps” unseen NOT-SO-FAST FOOD FAERY. OPTIONAL SOUND EFFECT: CHOMP.) Ooooh. SELKIE: Black/brown tights or sweats, swim cap, fl ippers. TITANIA: (Surprised.) I didn’t know seileags were carnivorous. (To LADDIE, LASSIE: Old-fashioned peasant shirt and blouse, knee-length LADDIE.) Did you know seileags were carnivorous? pants and skirt with apron, but ragged. Bare feet. 25 LADDIE: (Wide-eyed, shakes his head.) N-n-n-no. TAM LIN: Regal, heavy, dark or wintry robes or fl oor-length dress and TITANIA: Hmm. Oh, well. As I was saying, we’re all gathered here in crown (perhaps made out of sticks or snowfl akes). this Midland meadow for our full moon revels. MAGGY MOULACH: White shirt/blouse and pants sprinkled with fl our. SEELIE FOLK: Hooray! A great deal of humor can be derived by puffs of white fl our rising TITANIA: But how can I be in a mood to celebrate when I hear far from the costume if someone pats him/her on the back, etc. 30 and wide, from the Lowlands to the Highlands, and even as far as GLAISTIG: Outfi t suggesting but not imitating cow design, perhaps the Hebrides, that Scotland’s Seelie folk are no longer respected? with spots. (SEELIE FOLK gasp.) We’re not feared. (SEELIE FOLK gasp a little JENNY GREENTEETH: Stringy, dripping, muddy green dress, like bigger.) The mortals think we’re all just a bunch of faeries. (SEELIE seaweed—the slimier the better. Green hair, green teeth (chewing FOLK gasp a big gasp. Pause.) gum pressed against teeth can work). Bare feet or green slippers. 35 PEASBLOSSOM: But we ARE just a bunch of faeries. (SEELIE FOLK SHELLYCOAT: Long overcoat or trench coat covered with shells (scan

look at each other and agree. TITANIA stares at PEASBLOSSOM.) pictures of shells, print them on an inkjet printer, cut them out and Well, we are. (SEELIE FOLK look at each other and shrug.) staple them to the coat), matching wide-brimmed hat. TITANIA: Be that as it may. You don’t see the mortal folk going around disrespecting the Unseelie Winter Court, do you? No Scotsman WILL O’ THE WISP: White or gray shirt and pants, ghostly gray and white shroud, drifting fabrics to create a fog or mist effect. 40 wags his ﬁ nger at a bogle. (SEELIE FOLK wag their ﬁ ngers at each other.) Or thumbs his nose at a water hag. (SEELIE FOLK thumb WHUPPITY STOORIE and DOBIE BROWNIE-CLOD: Trow is the Scottish their noses at each other.) Or gives a banshee the raspberry. word for troll, like the creature under the bridge in the Three Billy (SEELIE FOLK give each other the raspberry.) And why is that, you Goats Gruff story. Rough, homespun clothing, snout.

2 PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS 27 For preview only PRODUCTION NOTES 1 may wonder. (They don’t react.) Why is that, you might ask. (Again they don’t react.) Ask! PROPERTIES SEELIE FOLK: (Together.) Why is that? BROUGHT ON, Scene One: TITANIA: Because they play tricks on the mortals. They pull pranks Drum, trumpets or bagpipes (LADDIE) 5 that make people fear the unknown and respect the supernatural. Confetti, fl ower petals or pixie dust; two fl ower-draped thrones or You pixies. Stand up. (PIXIES stand up.) What kind of mischief have oversized mushrooms (SEELIE FOLK) you caused lately? Thistle? Leash with a dog collar (TAM LIN) THISTLE: Uh, well, I made a pair of shoes for a poor shoemaker. Three fl owers [one edible] (BARLEY, BRACKEN, BRAN) (Thinks.) But I tied a knot in one of the shoelaces. (Admits.) Then BROUGHT ON, Scene Three: 10 I untied it again. White plastic glass or mug (GLAISTIG) TITANIA: Uh-huh. Heather? Old bent nail (OLD MACDONALD) HEATHER: I repaired a cooking pot for a hungry tinker. (Thinks.) But I Long, wide ribbon (FAERIES) made a lot of noise doing it. (Admits.) Except he didn’t wake up. Small cloth or leather coin bag (BIG ANGUS) TITANIA: I see. Broom? BROUGHT ON, Scene Four: 15 BROOM: I, uh, I, uh, I swept out a stable for a dairy farmer. (Thinks.) Cloth bag of fl our (BARLEY) But I scowled while I did it. (Admits.) Actually, it was more of a List of ingredients (LORNA) smile. MUSIC AND SOUND EFFECTS TITANIA: Ugh! Do you see what I mean? All we ever do are good deeds. Entrance music for SEELIE FAERIES and TITANIA: perhaps Handel’s “Arrival of the Queen of Sheba” or other light, baroque tune 20 BARLEY: But we’re the Seelie Court. Fanfare: Trumpet, drum roll and/or bagpipes (can be done live onstage BRACKEN: We’re the good guys. or pre-recorded) BRAN: We use our magic to help people. Roar, optional cat screech TITANIA: Not anymore. From now on, we’re going to be bad faeries. Optional “chomp” sound for Nessie We’re going to make people’s lives miserable. We’re going to make 25 the humans fear us! (Pause.) Aggressive entrance music for UNSEELIE FAERIES: perhaps “Dance of the Knights” from Prokofi ev’s Romeo and Juliet MUSTARDSEED: How are we going to do that? Dark, regal entrance music for TAM LIN: something like Bach’s COBWEB: (Tearful.) All I want to do is help make the fl owers grow. “Toccata and Fugue in D Minor” (Looks around.) Is that so wrong? (FAERIES comfort COBWEB.) Wedding music TITANIA: I’ve called in our counterparts from the Unseelie Court. I’m 30 going to ask them to teach us how to be wicked and evil and scary. NOTE: If the screaming is too taxing on the actor playing BANSHEE, her screams can be overlaid with a scream sound effect. SEELIE FOLK: Ooooh. THISTLE: The Winter Folk are the BAD faeries. COSTUME AND MAKEUP SUGGESTIONS HEATHER: They’re a rotten, scary, dangerous bunch. Costumes may be as simple or as elaborate as your budget allows. BROOM: I think they’re cool. (THISTLE and HEATHER are shocked.) Get Simple tunics—a rectangular poncho with a hole for the head—for 35 it? Winter Court? Cool? (Hangs her head.) Never mind. the SEELIE folk, color coordinated according to their type (see below) TITANIA: Laddie. is suffi cient. Tights, leggings or simple pants are acceptable. Ballet LADDIE: Huh? slippers or sneakers are appropriate. Antennae, caps and hats can TITANIA: Fanfare, please. be simple or wild and silly. The UNSEELIE folk can likewise be simply LADDIE: (Stands.) Oh, okay. (Creates a FANFARE.) attired, even wearing character-appropriate variations on contemporary clothing. Add colorful and sparkly makeup and wigs to the SEELIE 40 TITANIA: Let the Unseelie Court come hither! (AGGRESSIVE ENTRANCE MUSIC PLAYS. Malevolent UNSEELIE FOLK ENTER through

26 PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS 3 For preview only 1 AUDIENCE. They are rough and tough and have a lot of attitude. 1 FAERIES: Huzzah! SEELIE FOLK cower and clutch each other as UNSEELIE FOLK strut TITANIA: Blessings on you both. (FAERIES form two parallel lines. ONSTAGE.) LADDIE and LASSIE, arm in arm, walk down the center, as in a MAGGY MOULACH: (To SEELIE FOLK and AUDIENCE.) Get out of the wedding. FAERIES place a ﬂ ower wreath on LASSIE’S head. 5 way. 5 WHUPPITY STOORIE and DOBIE BROWNIE-CLOD weep loudly and JENNY GREENTEETH: Coming through. snort. WEDDING MUSIC PLAYS. They EXIT. MUSIC FADES OUT. GLAISTIG: Move it or lose it. (MUSIC OUT.) FAERIES wave good-bye, then form a line facing the AUDIENCE.) SHELLYCOAT: Cover your ears. The Banshee is coming! The Banshee BARLEY: If we shadows have offended… is coming! (UNSEELIE FOLK cover their ears. BANSHEE ENTERS THISTLE: Think but this, and all is mended… 10 running, stops, takes a deep breath, picks an AUDIENCE MEMBER 10 BANSHEE: That you have but slumbered here… and shrieks.) WILL O’ THE WISP: While these visions did appear. BANSHEE: Eeeee! (SEELIE FOLK, who have not covered their ears, DOBIE BROWNIE-CLOD: (Gestures for applause.) Give us your hands, fall over in shock. BANSHEE runs a short distance, picks another if we be friends. AUDIENCE MEMBER and shrieks.) Eeeee! (Runs to a third AUDIENCE WILD HAGGIS: For this is how our story ends. (ALL look at WILD HAGGIS 15 MEMBER, takes a deep breath, then stops, exhales, smiles and 15 with surprise. SELKIE ENTERS and moves around the STAGE like a turns away. When AUDIENCE MEMBER relaxes, BANSHEE spins and seal, clapping hands. WILD HAGGIS chases SELKIE OFF.) shrieks.) Eeeee! SELKIE: Ork! Ork! Ork! WILL O’ THE WISP: That banshee will be the deaf of me. WILD HAGGIS: Huff, huff, huff. (FAERIES run OFF.) MAGGY MOULACH: Don’t you mean “death”? END OF PLAY 20 WILL O’ THE WISP: Nah. I’ve been dead for years. (Sticks ﬁ nger in ear, wiggles it.) But a few more shrieks from the banshee and I’ll be deaf to boot! (BANSHEE smiles, curtsies.) WHUPPITY STOORIE: Here comes our queen. DOBIE BROWNIE-CLOD: Duh, it’s Tam Lin. Winter Queen of the 25 Unseelie Court. (DARK, REGAL ENTRANCE MUSIC PLAYS. TAM LIN ENTERS from the back of the auditorium holding a leash attached to LASSIE, and leads her down the aisle or across the STAGE to CENTER. WILD HAGGIS, a hairy goat-like troll, ENTERS with TAM LIN and LASSIE and runs in circles around them on account of his 30 uneven legs. UNSEELIE FOLK bow as TAM LIN passes. SEELIE FOLK cower, climb over each other in panic and try to hide.) TAM LIN: (Strides over to TITANIA, who stands and faces her. MUSIC OUT.) Hello, sister. TITANIA: It’s been a long time. 35 WILD HAGGIS: (Sits at TITANIA’S feet, pants like a dog.) Huff, huff, huff. (LASSIE ends up close to LADDIE. There is an instant attraction between the two humans. From time to time TAM LIN tugs LASSIE’S leash, jerking her away from LADDIE.) TAM LIN: Winter and summer usually keep their distance. 40 TITANIA: We may be opposites, but we’re both part of a bigger picture. (UNSEELIE FOLK stare or poke curiously at the SEELIE FOLK, who are likewise fascinated by their counterparts.)

4 25 For preview only 1 TAM LIN: Right. That Bonnie lass and the baker woman Lorna Doone 1 MAGGY MOULACH: Don’t tell me. You want to be friends? got the best of us. And that’s not good. (She and TITANIA put their GLAISTIG: We don’t believe in friends. heads together and whisper.) SHELLYCOAT: Just victims. LASSIE: What are they whispering about? (TAM LIN and TITANIA look JENNY GREENTEETH: Would you like to be our victims? (Smiles, 5 up at LADDIE and LASSIE, then huddle back down, whispering.) 5 showing her green teeth.) LADDIE: I don’t know. But I’m worried. (They hold hands for mutual BANSHEE: (Laughs.) Eeeee! (SEELIE FOLK scramble and take refuge support.) behind TITANIA.) TITANIA: We’ve decided. For once I’m going to do something really, TITANIA: No, we do not. And I demand that you respect the rules of really bad. (SEELIE FAERIES gasp.) Laddie, Lassie, I’m going to Scottish hospitality. 10 exile you from the faery kingdom. You are to leave us, become 10 TAM LIN: (To UNSEELIE FOLK.) We are the guests of the Summer mortal again and DIE! (FAERIES react in shock.) Court. There will be no mischief while we are here. No jinxes or BRACKEN: What? hexes. (They groan in disappointment.) No giving the evil eye. (They WHUPPITY STOORIE: You can’t mean it. sigh.) No death curses. (They wail in frustration. To WILD HAGGIS.) THISTLE: Somebody talk her out of it! And don’t eat anyone. 15 BANSHEE: I could just scream! (Takes a breath. Several FAERIES clap 15 WILD HAGGIS: Huff, huff, huff. (Howls.) Arooo! (SEELIE FAERIES EXIT hands over her mouth.) and immediately bring ON another throne for TAM LIN.) WILD HAGGIS: (Steps forward, draws himself up and makes a TAM LIN: (Sits. To TITANIA.) All right, then. What do you want? profound and eloquent speech, nodding to TAM LIN and TITANIA, TITANIA: (Eyes LASSIE.) I see you have a human hostage. then acknowledging LADDIE and LASSIE. The effect is of an attorney TAM LIN: What of it? (Tugs the leash. LASSIE comes forward and drops 20 making a powerful and heartfelt closing argument.) Huff, huff, huff. 20 to her knees.) A queen can keep a pet if she wishes. This is Lassie. Huff huff huff huff. Huff huff huff huff huff. Huff huff. Huff huff? (To LASSIE, who kneels with her head down.) Show your face, my Huff huff huff huff? Huff. Huff huff huff, huff huff huff huff. Huff pretty. (Grabs LASSIE’S chin, lifts her face.) huff. (Bows. Pause. FAERIES applaud. WILD HAGGIS bows again and WILL O’ THE WISP: Quite the beauty, ain’t she? returns to the group.) DOBIE BROWNIE-CLOD: I looove her. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. 25 TITANIA: Well said, Wild Haggis. But my decision stands. Laddie and Lassie must leave us… and DIE! 25 WHUPPITY STOORIE: I’ve told you a thousand times, Dobie. A mortal girl’s not good enough for my little Brownie-Clod. FAERIES: (Weep and wail.) Nooooo! JENNY GREENTEETH: I’m currently in between boyfriends. Every time TAM LIN: Furthermore, for once I’m going to do something really, I kiss one with my cold, damp lips, his lungs ﬁ ll up with bog water really good. Therefore, Laddie and Lassie, since you’ve been and he drowns. (Sighs. Notices a MALE FAERY from the SEELIE 30 with the faeries (To LASSIE.) 150 years and (To LADDIE.) 160 30 COURT, smiles and waves.) Hi, there. years, respectively, I’ve decided that once you leave us, you may live together in peace and perfect love for 155 years, never be MALE FAERY: Aaagh! (Hides behind other SEELIE FOLK.) sick a single day, watch your children, grandchildren and great- TAM LIN: Shh! (ALL settle down. Resumes.) I stole my little Lassie grandchildren grow, and then die peacefully in your sleep on the when she was just a wee bairn. (Gestures “baby.”) She’s been my 35 very same night. (To LADDIE and LASSIE.) Is this acceptable to prisoner for one and a half human centuries. But in the Never you? (LADDIE and LASSIE look at each other, smile and nod.) 35 Never, she’s aged only a decade and a half. LADDIE: (Gives TITANIA a hug.) Thank you, Queen Titania. TITANIA: A century and a half and you still have to tie her up? LASSIE: (Gives TAM LIN a hug.) Thank you, Queen Tam Lin. TAM LIN: (Pulls the leash.) The stubborn lass still dreams of a TAM LIN: (Embarrassed.) And you’re both still invited to join us for each handsome prince coming to rescue her away from me. Can you 40 New Year’s reunion, to sing, dance and celebrate our Hogmanay imagine? (To LASSIE.) But if you ever did escape the Never Never, free-for-all. 40 you’d age 150 years in as many heartbeats and crumble away to dust. Ha, ha, ha. (Indicates LADDIE, who has moved to LASSIE SHELLYCOAT: And eat black bun with us!

24 5 For preview only 1 to comfort her.) I see you’ve got one of your own, Titania. (Jerks 1 MUSTARDSEED: Well, we bought all the ingredients with faery gold, LASSIE away from him.) which means it will all disappear when the sun comes up. TITANIA: Laddie is no hostage. His mother served me faithfully all her PEASBLOSSOM: So in a way, we STOLE all those things! (SEELIE life, but she died in childbirth. For her sake I raised this boy, and FAERIES nod.) 5 for his sake my husband Oberon and I have had a bit of a falling 5 COBWEB: But we didn’t get to keep them. The baker woman took out. everything with her. (SEELIE FAERIES hang their heads.) PEASBLOSSOM: Falling out? That’s the understatement of the BARLEY: I guess we weren’t so good at being bad. century! TAM LIN: (To UNSEELIE FAERIES) And how about niceness? Did you COBWEB: That merry prankster Puck told us King Oberon is planning manage to do anything good? 10 some kind of asinine revenge. 10 MAGGY MOULACH: Sure we did. We brought all those cooking utensils MUSTARDSEED: (To AUDIENCE.) You can read all about it—and us—in to the faery cave so the baker woman could make black bun. William Shakespeare’s A Midsummer Night’s Dream. GLAISTIG: But then we ended up hauling it all back. TAM LIN: But you didn’t call the entire Unseelie Court to your Midland MAGGY MOULACH: And we put everything back, right where we’d meadow to talk about faeries taking human hostages. Or did you? found it. 15 TITANIA: Actually, in a way I did. You see, I—we—were hoping you 15 WILL O’ THE WISP: Uh, I accidentally took the trash from the baker could help us… learn to be bad. (UNSEELIE COURT look at each woman’s house to the cave. (Realizes.) But I didn’t take it back in other, puzzled.) her house. I DUMPED it, in a rubbish bin! (UNSEELIE folk clap WILL TAM LIN: (Points at SEELIE FOLK.) You want to be like us? (Gestures on the back and congratulate him.) to UNSEELIE FOLK and laughs. UNSEELIE FOLK laugh, but it’s TAM LIN: That’s a good deed! 20 more like sneering and mocking. SEELIE FOLK, uncomfortable and 20 BANSHEE: And, every Hogmanay, the baker woman is going to bake embarrassed, also laugh. ALL stop laughing instantly at a gesture black bun for us. Wheeeee! (OTHER FAERIES from the “Changeling” from TAM LIN, except for WILD HAGGIS, who keeps right on hufﬁ ng.) story react.) WILD HAGGIS: Huff, huff, huff. (TAM LIN watches him a moment, then DOBIE BROWNIE-CLOD: Black bun for all of us? (BANSHEE nods. ALL bonks him on the head.) Urk! FAERIES rejoice.) 25 TITANIA: Uh… yes? 25 GLAISTIG: I didn’t believe in having friends before, but I do now! TAM LIN: (Stands. ALL except TITANIA cower. TAM LIN steps DOWNSTAGE FAERIES: Huzzah! and gestures for TITANIA to follow. SEELIE and UNSEELIE FOLK strain to overhear their conversation and end up mingling the two TITANIA: So this whole teaming up thing wasn’t a waste after all. COURTS without realizing it. LASSIE and LADDIE pair up and gaze at TAM LIN: What say you, judges? 30 each other with tragic longing, or something mushy like that.) Sister, LASSIE: Bravo! let me be perfectly honest with you. 30 LADDIE: We ought to get together and have a faery free-for-all every year. TITANIA: Please, sister. We’re desperate. FAERIES: Here, here! (LADDIE and LASSIE look at each other and sigh.) TAM LIN: No, listen. We’d be happy to give you a few pointers, but TITANIA: What’s with the sighing? the truth is, our encounters with humans haven’t been going very TAM LIN: Something wrong? 35 well lately. LADDIE: It’s just that if the Summer and Winter Courts have a regular TITANIA: They haven’t? I thought playing tricks on people was 35 reunion, that means I’ll get to see Lassie every year. supposed to be fun. DOBIE: That’s good! TAM LIN: You have no idea. The malevolent faery business is a lot of work. And you’re always having to top your last wicked deed. It’s LASSIE: But it will only be for one day. 40 exhausting. COBWEB: That’s bad. (LADDIE and LASSIE look at each other and sigh TITANIA: Being a helpful faery is hard work, too. We’re forever grinding again. FAERIES look at them and sigh, too.) ﬂ our, cleaning stables— 40 TITANIA: Hmm. Well, if we’ve learned one thing today, it’s that faeries and humans don’t mix.

6 PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS 23 For preview only 1 lids, stirring spoons, whisks, tongs, measuring cups, measuring 1 TAM LIN: Yes, but— spoons, fl our sifter, baking sheets, pot holders, loaf tin, mixing TITANIA: (Disappointed.) You’re not going to help us. bowls, cutting board, knives, spatulas, mixer, pastry brush, cooling TAM LIN: Maybe we can help each other. racks, grater, chopper, juicer, peeler, garlic press, rolling pin, pepper TITANIA: What do you mean? 5 grinder… (FAERIES sprawl out on the fl oor and all over each other, exhausted. A few manage to stay on their feet, wavering.) 5 TAM LIN: I was going to ask you to teach us how to be helpful faeries. (During this conversation, in the background, BARLEY LORNA: And of course, a stack of fi rewood… and my cast iron oven. gathers courage, crosses to WILD HAGGIS and gives him a fl ower. FAERIES: Aaagh! (Those still standing collapse in a heap.) He eats it. BRACKEN moves to the UNSEELIE FOLK side and gives MUSTARDSEED: (Sits up suddenly.) Wait a minute! a fl ower to DOBIE BROWNIE-CLOD. He puckers and tries to kiss 10 COBWEB: (Sits up.) Hold on, now. 10 her and receives a smack on the head from WHUPPITY STOORIE. PEASBLOSSOM: (Sits up.) What kind of oven did you say? (OTHER BRAN gives a fl ower to SHELLYCOAT, who tosses the fl ower away FAERIES sit up, with dread.) and grabs BRAN, hoisting her over his shoulder as if to abduct her. LORNA: (Smiles.) Why, cast iron, of course. No baker worth her salt [Alternatively, he starts to tie her up.] Several UNSEELIE FOLK try to would use anything else. (FAERIES look around at each other in pull SHELLYCOAT away, while several SEELIE FOLK come to BRAN’S 15 aid. A silent and silly “tug of war” ensues, pulling fi rst to the LEFT, 15 dismay. Sweetly.) Is that a problem? (FAERIES groan.) then to the RIGHT. LADDIE and LASSIE get out of the way, clutching FAERIES: Iron? each other for safety. TAM LIN and TITANIA don’t notice what’s going LORNA: (Nods.) Uh-huh. on behind them. [NOTE: See PRODUCTION NOTES for suggestions FAERIES: (Collapse in defeat.) Aaagh! on how to stage this action scene.]) LORNA: What’s wrong? 20 TITANIA: You were? 20 BARLEY: Faeries can’t stand iron. TAM LIN: Your court always seems to have so much fun. WILL O’ THE WISP: We’re allergic. TITANIA: I thought playing tricks on people sounded like fun. And LORNA: Really? (Not at all sorry.) That’s too bad. Well, I certainly can’t while your court doesn’t seem happy, at least they’re feared. bake you black bun in your faery cave hideout without my cast iron TAM LIN: I have an idea. Why don’t we mix and match the faeries from oven, so I guess you’ll just have to let me go. (Disappointed and 25 both courts, send them out on separate missions and have them 25 exhausted, FAERIES nod and wave her off.) But I’ll tell you what. I report back? (The tug of war breaks up, with SEELIE and UNSEELIE still relish the challenge of baking for the faery folk, so that’s what FOLK tumbling to the fl oor. They get up and start wrestling and I’m going to do. Every year at Hogmanay, or Scottish New Year, I’ll grappling with each other in what appears to be a silly-looking bake you all a hearty helping of black bun and leave it right outside “gang” fi ght in which no blows are exchanged. UNSEELIE FOLK your sidhe. 30 give “noogies”—rubbing knuckles on SEELIE FOLKS’ heads. SEELIE 30 FAERIES: (Perk up.) You will? FOLK tickle UNSEELIE FOLK. LADDIE and LASSIE also do this, but LORNA: Of course. And I’ll fi x you clootie dumpling as well. (FAERIES in a more playful way. All this mayhem is performed in silence while are encouraged. They help each other up, nodding to each other the QUEENS converse.) and smiling. LORNA gestures around the STAGE.) But of course TITANIA: Hmm. Not a bad idea! you’ll have to return all these things back to my kitchen. (FAERIES 35 TAM LIN: My Winter Court will learn how to be good, kind and helpful… 35 look at her, groan and fall down.) TITANIA: And my Summer Court will learn to be wicked… malicious… BANSHEE: So that’s our story of “The Bossy Baker Woman.” (FAERIES naughty! stand and bow as other FAERIES applaud. BRAN/LORNA takes TAM LIN/TITANIA: (Together.) But just for a season. off the apron and hat. Other FAERIES revert back to their original TAM LIN: What do you say? appearance. A couple of FAERIES take any remaining props and 40 TITANIA: It’s a deal! (They shake hands or give each other the “high 40 costume accessories OFF, then RE-ENTER.) fi ve” and turn to SEELIE and UNSEELIE FOLK, who look at their TITANIA: (To SEELIE FAERIES.) And how do you feel you did in the QUEENS and FREEZE mid-riot, expecting to be yelled at.) “being naughty” department?

22 PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS 7 For preview only 1 TAM LIN: (Announces.) Faeries of the Unseelie Court, get ready to do 1 shopping all over Scotland for them. (FAERIES crowd around, something nice for a change. looking at the list.) TITANIA: Faeries of the Seelie Court, it’s time to be baaad! (SEELIE BARLEY: Wow, that’s a lot of stuff. and UNSEELIE FOLK, who have paired off for the battle, UNFREEZE LORNA: So, what are you waiting for? (FAERIES have second thoughts 5 and look at each other, confused.) 5 and mutter to themselves.) If you want me to bake you black SEELIE/UNSEELIE FOLK: (Yell suddenly.) Aaagh! (Switching tactics, bun, you’ve got to go. Now! (FAERIES jump and dash OFF in all SEELIE FOLK start giving noogies to the UNSEELIE FOLK, while directions.) UNSEELIE FOLK start tickling the SEELIE FOLK. This time, they are BANSHEE: (ENTERS. Narrates.) Suspecting that the baker woman noisy.) might be trying to pull a fast one on us, I sneaked back to the 10 TAM LIN: (Trying to restore order.) Everybody, fi nd a buddy from the 10 sidhe. (Finds a place to watch LORNA, unobserved.) And sure other court. enough, once we’d all cleared out, she tried to escape. TITANIA: It looks like they already have. LORNA: Now’s my chance. (Starts to tiptoe OFF.) TAM LIN: (Calls.) Banshee! (BANSHEE runs to them.) Do your thing. BANSHEE: (Steps forward.) Oh, no, you don’t! (Screams like a burglar BANSHEE: (Takes a deep breath. TAM LIN and TITANIA cover their ears.) alarm.) Wooo, wooo, wooo! (FAERIES ENTER, running. They mime 15 Eeeee! (SEELIE and UNSEELIE FOLK stop fi ghting and look at the 15 carrying various items, sacks and boxes.) QUEENS.) MUSTARDSEED: What’s going on? TITANIA: We’re combining forces and sending you out on missions… COBWEB: Is something the matter? of malice… BANSHEE: Our “guest” tried to escape. (FAERIES are very disappointed.) TAM LIN: …and mercy. Then report back here tomorrow night when MAGGY MOULACH: But we brought all the ingredients you asked for. 20 the moon is full. (SEELIE FOLK and UNSEELIE FOLK look at each 20 MUSTARDSEED: We paid with faery gold. other, shake hands and nod.) LORNA: Escape? Me? Why would I do such a thing? I’ve already TITANIA: Now go out there and be naughty. promised to bake you some black bun. TAM LIN: And nice. (In a bunch, half the SEELIE and UNSEELIE FOLK BANSHEE: Then where were you going? begin to EXIT LEFT. The other half begin to EXIT RIGHT. TAM LIN and PEASBLOSSOM: And you’d better not lie to us. 25 TITANIA cross to their thrones. SEELIE and UNSEELIE FOLK stop and turn to QUEENS.) 25 LORNA: Uh, I was going back home. TITANIA: Go on, now. BANSHEE: (To OTHERS.) See? I told you she was trying to escape. TAM LIN: And have fun. (SEELIE and UNSEELIE FOLK look at each LORNA: (Thinks fast.) Not at all. There are some things I need from other, shrug, then cheer.) home, if I’m going to bake for you in this faery cave hideout. 30 ALL: Huzzah! (They start tickling and giving noogies indiscriminately as BARLEY: Well, then, we’ll get what you need. they EXIT LEFT and RIGHT. LADDIE and LASSIE remain ONSTAGE 30 GLAISTIG: ’Cause you’re staying here. with TAM LIN and TITANIA.) LORNA: If you insist. BANSHEE: Eeeeeee! (EXITS.) WILL O’ THE WISP: What do you want us to bring back? WILD HAGGIS: Huff, huff, huff. (EXITS.) ALL: (Narrate.) And then she told us. (One after another, each FAERY 35 TITANIA: (QUEENS sit.) Whew. These faery free-for-alls can sure wear calls out one item, runs OFF and returns again, miming carrying the a monarch out. 35 object, and sets it down. As soon as one FAERY speaks and starts TAM LIN: You said it. I’m just going to rest my eyes for a minute. (She to EXIT, the next FAERY announces an item and runs in another and TITANIA yawn, then fall asleep in their chairs.) direction. The effect is a quick succession of calling out an item, running OFF, running ON and miming setting the object down. LADDIE/LASSIE: (Look at each other and shrug. Softly.) Huzzah? Depending on the size of the cast, assign two or more items to each (LIGHTS OUT.) 40 FAERY. Feel free to add more items to the list, as needed. LORNA End of Scene One mimes dictating the list to the FAERIES. With all the running ON and OFF, FAERIES are soon exhausted and out of breath.) Pots, pans, 8 21 End of Script Sample PRODUCTION NOTES 1 may wonder. (They don’t react.) Why is that, you might ask. (Again they don’t react.) Ask! PROPERTIES SEELIE FOLK: (Together.) Why is that? BROUGHT ON, Scene One: TITANIA: Because they play tricks on the mortals. They pull pranks Drum, trumpets or bagpipes (LADDIE) 5 that make people fear the unknown and respect the supernatural. Confetti, fl ower petals or pixie dust; two fl ower-draped thrones or You pixies. Stand up. (PIXIES stand up.) What kind of mischief have oversized mushrooms (SEELIE FOLK) you caused lately? Thistle? Leash with a dog collar (TAM LIN) THISTLE: Uh, well, I made a pair of shoes for a poor shoemaker. Three fl owers [one edible] (BARLEY, BRACKEN, BRAN) (Thinks.) But I tied a knot in one of the shoelaces. (Admits.) Then BROUGHT ON, Scene Three: 10 I untied it again. White plastic glass or mug (GLAISTIG) TITANIA: Uh-huh. Heather? Old bent nail (OLD MACDONALD) HEATHER: I repaired a cooking pot for a hungry tinker. (Thinks.) But I Long, wide ribbon (FAERIES) made a lot of noise doing it. (Admits.) Except he didn’t wake up. Small cloth or leather coin bag (BIG ANGUS) TITANIA: I see. Broom? BROUGHT ON, Scene Four: 15 BROOM: I, uh, I, uh, I swept out a stable for a dairy farmer. (Thinks.) Cloth bag of fl our (BARLEY) But I scowled while I did it. (Admits.) Actually, it was more of a List of ingredients (LORNA) smile. MUSIC AND SOUND EFFECTS TITANIA: Ugh! Do you see what I mean? All we ever do are good deeds. Entrance music for SEELIE FAERIES and TITANIA: perhaps Handel’s “Arrival of the Queen of Sheba” or other light, baroque tune 20 BARLEY: But we’re the Seelie Court. Fanfare: Trumpet, drum roll and/or bagpipes (can be done live onstage BRACKEN: We’re the good guys. or pre-recorded) BRAN: We use our magic to help people. Roar, optional cat screech TITANIA: Not anymore. From now on, we’re going to be bad faeries. Optional “chomp” sound for Nessie We’re going to make people’s lives miserable. We’re going to make 25 the humans fear us! (Pause.) Aggressive entrance music for UNSEELIE FAERIES: perhaps “Dance of the Knights” from Prokofi ev’s Romeo and Juliet MUSTARDSEED: How are we going to do that? Dark, regal entrance music for TAM LIN: something like Bach’s COBWEB: (Tearful.) All I want to do is help make the fl owers grow. “Toccata and Fugue in D Minor” (Looks around.) Is that so wrong? (FAERIES comfort COBWEB.) Wedding music TITANIA: I’ve called in our counterparts from the Unseelie Court. I’m 30 going to ask them to teach us how to be wicked and evil and scary. NOTE: If the screaming is too taxing on the actor playing BANSHEE, her screams can be overlaid with a scream sound effect. SEELIE FOLK: Ooooh. THISTLE: The Winter Folk are the BAD faeries. COSTUME AND MAKEUP SUGGESTIONS HEATHER: They’re a rotten, scary, dangerous bunch. Costumes may be as simple or as elaborate as your budget allows. BROOM: I think they’re cool. (THISTLE and HEATHER are shocked.) Get Simple tunics—a rectangular poncho with a hole for the head—for 35 it? Winter Court? Cool? (Hangs her head.) Never mind. the SEELIE folk, color coordinated according to their type (see below) TITANIA: Laddie. is suffi cient. Tights, leggings or simple pants are acceptable. Ballet LADDIE: Huh? slippers or sneakers are appropriate. Antennae, caps and hats can TITANIA: Fanfare, please. be simple or wild and silly. The UNSEELIE folk can likewise be simply LADDIE: (Stands.) Oh, okay. (Creates a FANFARE.) attired, even wearing character-appropriate variations on contemporary clothing. Add colorful and sparkly makeup and wigs to the SEELIE 40 TITANIA: Let the Unseelie Court come hither! (AGGRESSIVE ENTRANCE MUSIC PLAYS. Malevolent UNSEELIE FOLK ENTER through

26 PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS 3 For preview only 1 (PIXIES stand, bow or curtsy, then sit.) And the Lowland brownies— FAERIES, and Halloween-style or animal makeup and wigs for the Barley, Bracken and Bran. (Points. BROWNIES stand, wave and sit.) UNSEELIE FAERIES. And of course, my own dainty Midland sprites—Peasblossom, TITANIA: Regal, airy robes or wedding dress and crown (perhaps made Mustardseed and Cobweb. (SPRITES stand, curtsy, fl it about and out of fl owers), ballet slippers. 5 giggle.) Sit. (SPRITES sit.) And all the rest, welcome. (OTHERS greet one another without standing.) We even have visiting delegations PEASBLOSSOM, MUSTARDSEED, COBWEB: Simple tunic with tights from magical water beings—a selkie from the Orkney Islands… or leggings. Consider adding wings, fl owing, colorful fabrics, ballet slippers, fl owers, wreaths and garlands, in pea green, mustard SELKIE: (ENTERS. Moves like a seal, claps hands together and barks.) yellow and sky blue, respectively. Ork, ork, ork. (TITANIA mimes throwing a fi sh to SELKIE, who 10 “catches” it and gobbles it down, then EXITS barking.) Ork, ork, ork. THISTLE, HEATHER, BROOM: Tights, leggings or knee-length pants, TITANIA: And from Loch Ness, a seileag. (A very large cardboard tunic or cutaway jackets, silly hats, pointy-toed shoes or buckle or foam board cut-out dinosaur head and neck of Nessie, the shoes (think leprechauns), in primary colors. Loch Ness Monster, protrudes ONSTAGE and “bites” the NOT-SO- BARLEY, BRACKEN, BRAN: Brown and earth tones for tights, leggings FAST FOOD FAERY, who grabs the Nessie head and pushes it OFF, or pants, shirts, vests or jackets, or skirts, acorn cap hats, pointy- 15 appearing to be dragged OFF while screaming. [NOTE: If it’s not toed shoes or buckle shoes, or slippers. possible to have Nessie, cut all the onstage business and instead SEELIE FAERIES: Anything fanciful, magical, fl owing, glittering, fl owery, produce a loud, OFFSTAGE ROAR followed by a CAT SCREECH, then bright colors. Spring and summer themes. have NOT-SO-FAST FOOD FAIRY scream “My kitty!” or something to UNSEELIE FOLK: Costumes could be more contemporary and refl ect that effect, and EXIT.]) Halloween, punk or Goth styles mixed in with the fanciful and 20 SEELIE FOLK: (FREEZE, staring OFFSTAGE, then ALL UNFREEZE and magical. wince as NESSIE “chomps” unseen NOT-SO-FAST FOOD FAERY. OPTIONAL SOUND EFFECT: CHOMP.) Ooooh. SELKIE: Black/brown tights or sweats, swim cap, fl ippers. TITANIA: (Surprised.) I didn’t know seileags were carnivorous. (To LADDIE, LASSIE: Old-fashioned peasant shirt and blouse, knee-length LADDIE.) Did you know seileags were carnivorous? pants and skirt with apron, but ragged. Bare feet. 25 LADDIE: (Wide-eyed, shakes his head.) N-n-n-no. TAM LIN: Regal, heavy, dark or wintry robes or fl oor-length dress and TITANIA: Hmm. Oh, well. As I was saying, we’re all gathered here in crown (perhaps made out of sticks or snowfl akes). this Midland meadow for our full moon revels. MAGGY MOULACH: White shirt/blouse and pants sprinkled with fl our. SEELIE FOLK: Hooray! A great deal of humor can be derived by puffs of white fl our rising TITANIA: But how can I be in a mood to celebrate when I hear far from the costume if someone pats him/her on the back, etc. 30 and wide, from the Lowlands to the Highlands, and even as far as GLAISTIG: Outfi t suggesting but not imitating cow design, perhaps the Hebrides, that Scotland’s Seelie folk are no longer respected? with spots. (SEELIE FOLK gasp.) We’re not feared. (SEELIE FOLK gasp a little JENNY GREENTEETH: Stringy, dripping, muddy green dress, like bigger.) The mortals think we’re all just a bunch of faeries. (SEELIE seaweed—the slimier the better. Green hair, green teeth (chewing FOLK gasp a big gasp. Pause.) gum pressed against teeth can work). Bare feet or green slippers. 35 PEASBLOSSOM: But we ARE just a bunch of faeries. (SEELIE FOLK SHELLYCOAT: Long overcoat or trench coat covered with shells (scan

2 PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS 27 For preview only WILD HAGGIS: Shaggy cloak, shaggy hair, beard, horns optional. FAERY FREE-FOR-ALL Mismatched shoes that cause the actor to move as though one leg is signifi cantly longer than the other, causing him to run in Scene One circles. (Think “Where the Wild Things Are” or Animal from “The Muppets.”) 1 AT RISE: LIGHTS are DIM. ENTRANCE MUSIC PLAYS. The helpful SEELIE FOLK ENTER at the back of the house and skip, fl it and tumble BANSHEE (in Scotland, “Bean-shidh,” messenger of death): Black- their way through the AUDIENCE, tickling, taunting and teasing them. hooded cloak or cape, long black hair, pale or skeletal features or MUSIC OUT. SOUND EFFECT: TRUMPET, DRUM ROLL, or BAGPIPE. half mask, black clothing, optional white bones painted on. Similar 5 LIGHTS UP FULL: SEELIE FOLK line up along the center aisle as they to Grim Reaper, but more feminine. giggle and speak in hushed whispers. PEASBLOSSOM: She’s coming! COSTUME ACCESSORIES MUSTARDSEED: Our queen has arrived. Cowboy hat, kilt (BIG ANGUS); frilly apron with pocket (BONNIE); baby bonnet, diaper (LITTLE ANGUS); raggedy cloak or coat, shabby hat (OLD COBWEB: Queen Titania is holding court tonight! (SEELIE FOLK bow MACDONALD); oversized baby bonnet, diaper (WILD HAGGIS); wide and 10 or curtsy. LADDIE ENTERS from the back of the theater, blowing on long ribbon (FAERIES); white apron with pocket, baker’s hat (LORNA). a trumpet, beating a drum or playing bagpipes, followed by TITANIA, wearing an airy, regal robe or wedding-type dress and a lightweight crown. Repeat ENTRANCE MUSIC, punctuated by LADDIE’S playing. THE “TUG OF WAR” SCENE TITANIA moves smoothly down the aisle and toward the STAGE. While TAM LIN and TITANIA are in the foreground discussing their 15 As she passes by them, SEELIE FOLK straighten, turn and follow discouragement about being nasty and nice, there’s a silent tug-of- behind her, skipping, dancing and tossing confetti, fl ower petals or war scene going on in the background. It’s not a long bit of dialogue, pixie dust here and there. TITANIA crosses to UP CENTER, turns and and rather than choreograph a fi ght scene or use stage combat, it is faces AUDIENCE. SEELIE FOLK scatter and sit at her feet LEFT and recommended that the director pose fi ve tableaus, positioning each RIGHT. TITANIA looks behind her and notices there is no place for person like a living statue. Then, have each actor rehearse moving 20 her to sit. Annoyed, she gestures to SEELIE FOLK, several of whom directly from one tableau to the next, with everyone moving at the gasp, run OFF and bring ON a fl ower-draped throne or oversized same speed. This will make for a much cleaner action scene with mushroom, placing it behind TITANIA, who rolls her eyes and sighs. smooth transitions, little or no possibility of injury, and that can be SEELIE FOLK take their places on the fl oor. TITANIA sits. MUSIC OUT. more easily timed to match the dialogue. The actors playing TAM LIN LADDIE fi nishes his FANFARE.) and TITANIA may also need to improvise a short amount of dialogue 25 TITANIA: (Takes a breath and begins to speak, but is interrupted by and rephrase or repeat lines, if necessary. LADDIE, who gives one last FANFARE. SEELIE FOLK cower.) Ahem. LADDIE: (Cowers.) Sorry. FLEXIBLE CASTING TITANIA: (Sighs.) Good help is so hard to abduct these days. (To Suggested cast of 22 (10 female, 4 male, plus 8 either). Extras are LADDIE.) So, go ahead. Introduce me. possible if you have a larger cast. Doubling is also possible for a 30 LADDIE: Right. (Stands.) The Seelie Court is now in session. Her smaller cast. For the two tales, the roles may be assigned to nearly any royal highness, Titania, Summer Queen of the Friendly Faery Folk, of the named faeries, or may be given to other ENSEMBLE MEMBERS. presiding. (Looks around and plays FANFARE in TITANIA’S ear.) Roles and dialogue may be combined or distributed evenly amongst the ENSEMBLE. For a larger cast, redistribute lines and characters TITANIA: (Jumps, knocking her crown askew.) Whoa! from the two tales amongst the extras, rather than having the roles LADDIE: (Sits and cowers.) Sorry! played by named characters. Or, for a smaller cast, reduce groups of 35 TITANIA: (Regains her composure and straightens her crown.) Well, three similar characters (sprites, pixies, brownies, etc.) to two and well. Here we are. The faery folk of the Seelie Court. The brightest redistribute their lines to make pairs of similar characters, then cast and most magical beings in all of Scotland, gathered together in the tales from the named ensemble as recommended in the cast of this Midland meadow for our full moon revels. (Points.) I see the characters. Highland pixies are present. Welcome, Thistle, Heather and Broom.

28 1 For preview only SUPERNATURAL BEINGS This play uses the traditional, old-fashioned but still acceptable spelling of the word “fairy” because the stories retold in this play are traditional, old-fashioned tales. Also, the antiquated spelling helps distinguish these rough and tumble madcap beings from the cute, relentlessly adorable fairies most post-Disney audiences expect. There are many books available in libraries that give a variety of descriptions and illustrations, sometimes contradictory, of what Dedication various faery folk look like. Differences may occur between cultures, or even between two versions of the same story. For the purposes of this - production, here are some descriptions that can help in the casting and character development process. To director Cindy Troup and Colorado ACTS, Faery Queens (TITANIA, TAM LIN): very powerful, somewhat arbitrary the inspiration and testing ground for most of my plays. beings. They command authority. One represents summer, the Thanks for years of creative collaboration. other winter. But neither is necessarily nasty or nice. Sprites (PEASBLOSSOM, COBWEB, MUSTARDSEED): these garden faeries are the smallest, youngest, most colorful and delicate of the faeries. They are most likely to have wings and are concerned with fl owers. Pixies (THISTLE, HEATHER, BROOM): household faeries; less likely to be able to fl y; dressed in primary colors. Comparable to shoemaker elves and leprechauns. They help around homes, mills and farms. Brownies (BARLEY, BRACKEN, BRAN): fi eld faeries; dressed in earth tones; help with herding, crops, etc. Comparable to gnomes. Selkies: seal people; shape shifters. Seals in the sea, they turn into people on land by peeling off their seal skin. Related to remote islands. Bogle: trickster pixie or brownie; a prankster. Causes milk to sour (GLAISTIG), fl our to spill out of sacks (MAGGY MOULACH), etc. River Hag (JENNY GREENTEETH): causes people to drown by pulling them into ponds, bogs, etc. Bogeyman (SHELLYCOAT): male version of a river hag. Wraith (WILL O’ THE WISP): a ghost; leads people to their doom in bogs and swamps by calling for help and leading would-be rescuers further and further from the path. Trow (WHUPPITY STOORIE, DOBIE BORNIE-CLOD, WILD HAGGIS): equivalent to a troll, with animal characteristics. Banshee: a messenger of death with an eerie cry. Similar to the Grim Reaper. Sometimes portrayed as a laundry woman who washes blood from dead people’s clothes.

iv 29 For preview only NOTE ON ACCENTS BANSHEE ...... screeching messenger of 18 Scottish accents are notoriously diffi cult to do. Generally, it’s better death (F) to skip the accent entirely unless EVERYONE can do it well. There’s FAERY ENSEMBLE ...... as COWS and to help make sound a smattering of Scottish words and terms that will give the play effects its unique fl avor. Accents should never be allowed to interfere with * Cameo roles to be played by actors from the Unseelie Court. communicating the sense of the dialogue, and therefore should be consistent amongst the cast. The following characters narrate and/or act out the story of “The Changeling”: THISTLE, SHELLYCOAT, MAGGY MULACH, JENNY PRONUNCIATION GUIDE GREENTEETH, BROOM, WHUPPITY STOORIE, BRACKEN, DOBIE, Bairn (baby): pronounced like “air” with a “b” in the front and an “n” HEATHER, WILD HAGGIS, EXTRA FAERIES. at the end The following characters narrate and/or act out the story of “The Bossy Baker Woman”: MAGGY MULACH, MUSTARDSEED, COBWEB, Bogle (trickster brownie): Bah-gull GLAISTIG, PEASEBLOSSOM, BARLEY, BRAN, WILL O’ THE WISP, Glaistig (dairy bogle): Glay-stig BANSHEE, FAERIES. Hebrides (islands off the west coast of Scotland): Heh-brid-eze Hogmanay (New Year): Hog-man-ay, with accent on fi rst syllable SETTING Moulach (mill bogle): Moo-lock TIME: In the Never Never, time is so unpredictable you can never be quite sure when you are or how long you’ve been there. But it Och (expression like “Oh”): Ock appears to be midnight under a full moon. Seelie (faery folk): See-lee PLACE: An open meadow in the Midlands of Scotland. Seileag (Loch Ness monster): Sigh-lag The open meadow can be represented by an optional backdrop of a Selkie (seal person): Sell-key faery forest, with oversized mushrooms, fl owers and other foliage, is Sidhe (faery mound or hide out, or the faery realm): Shee the setting for the open meadow. For visual variety, add levels of berms and hillocks, rocks, logs, stumps or even wooden fences. But an empty Titania (queen of the summer faeries): Tie-tay-nee-yuh stage will also do nicely.

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