By Kristi Thielen

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CAPTAIN DANGEROUS By KRISTI THIELEN CAST OF CHARACTERS (In Order of Appearance) # of lines BASIL ...... stagehand pressed into service as 36 the director MARLENE ...... reliable actress acting as the stage 47 manager; plays Aunt Charity HEDDA ...... school newspaper gossip columnist 11 BETTE ...... smart, efficient girl, anxious to help; 20 plays Detective Edgar Bisquick CAROLE ...... well-meaning type, haplessly 19 caught up in some of the silliest messes of the rehearsal; plays the maid Bernadette KATHARINE ...... experienced high school actress; plays 15 Aunt Charity’s evil niece, Prudence LANA ...... down-to-earth actress; plays Aunt 16 Charity’s evil niece, Patience VERONICA ...... high-strung, nervous and new to the 26 theatre; plays Gwendolyn, the neighbor LON ...... charming guy accustomed to playing 20 leads and trying to keep his dignity; plays Captain Dangerous, a larger-than- life, debonair, hero-type HUMPHREY ...... steady, thoughtful type; plays Louis, 14 the neighbor BORIS ...... easy-going guy, quick to see the 26 humor in an absurd situation; plays the Mysterious Stranger CLARK ...... not-too-bright boy whose affection 11 for potato chips causes a lot of trouble; plays the butler Raymond VIVIEN ...... pouty “popular girl”; plays a Sterling 17 Sister, a damsel in distress JOAN ...... as much of a diva as Vivien, cast in 17 the same kind of role, for the same reason; plays a Sterling Sister OLIVIA ...... equally as vain and self-absorbed; 15 plays a Sterling Sister

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TIME A particularly stormy evening immediately before, during and after the final dress rehearsal of a high school stage play.

PLACE Backstage and onstage in the Fiddlesticks High School theatre.

SET DESCRIPTION The set is made up of two or three free-standing, double-sided backdrops on casters, which can be placed close enough together to create a unified piece. One side of the backdrops serves as the set for the play-within-a-play, which is the home of Captain Dangerous. There is a painted fireplace with a shelf above it on the backdrop. The only

other required element is a small table for a telephone UP LEFT. EXIT

RIGHT leads to the dressing rooms, costume shop and stage door.

EXIT LEFT leads to the props table.

When reversed, the backdrops represent a behind-the-scenes look at the backstage side of the set. Keep in mind that the EXITS for this backstage view are exactly opposite from the onstage perspective of the play-within-a-play. When “backstage,” EXIT RIGHT leads to the props table, and EXIT LEFT leads to the dressing rooms, costume shop and stage door. For Scene Two, which is the opening scene of the play-within-a-play, the actors are lost in the Sahara Desert. This can be a separate backdrop or simply played in front of the curtain.

SYNOPSIS OF SCENES Scene One: Backstage, immediately before the dress rehearsal.

Scene Two: Played in front of the curtain or a separate backdrop; the opening Sahara Desert scene of the play-within-a-play. Scene Three: Backstage before and during scene two of the play- within-a-play. Scene Four: On the set of the home of Captain Dangerous; before and during scene three of the play-within-a-play. Scene Five: Backstage between scenes of the play-within-a-play. Scene Six: On the set of the home of Captain Dangerous; the final scene of the play-within-a-play. Scene Seven: Backstage, immediately after the dress rehearsal.

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“Onstage” Perspective - Captain Dangerous Set Design

“Backstage” Perspective - Captain Dangerous Set Design

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CAPTAIN DANGEROUS

Scene One 1 AT RISE: The backdrops are turned to represent the backstage area. BASIL ENTERS RIGHT with a push broom. He looks about, sighs heavily and then shrugs. SOUND EFFECT: RAIN AND THUNDER. BASIL sighs again, shakes his head and begins to sweep the stage. (NOTE: Storm 5 sounds may continue as desired throughout the play.) MARLENE: (ENTERS LEFT.) Whoa! Some storm we’re gonna get. Glad I got here before the rain gets really bad. So, Basil, ready for dress rehearsal? BASIL: Yeah, sure. But we gotta talk, Marlene. We got problems here, 10 and the storm is the least of them. I just found out— HEDDA: (ENTERS RIGHT. Carries a notebook, a pencil and a handbag.) Yoo hoo! Marlene! There you are. You must be so excited. The final dress rehearsal of Captain Dangerous. I’m sure it will be a smash success! 15 MARLENE: We hope so, Hedda. When Fiddlesticks High School puts on the fall play, we give it all we’ve got. HEDDA: But there must be some backstage gossip you can give me for my column in the school newspaper. Something juicy? Tell, tell! (BASIL looks up at HEDDA and smirks.) 20 MARLENE: There’s nothing to tell, Hedda. The rehearsals have all gone off without any problems. No trouble at all. (Looks at BASIL, who looks uncomfortable, but says nothing.) Should be a good

dress rehearsal and then tomorrow we’ll open.

HEDDA: (Disappointed.) Really? Hmmmmm. Well, maybe I should ask 25 this stagehand if he’s seen anything newsworthy during rehearsals. BASIL: This stagehand doesn’t have any backstage gossip to tell. Because this stagehand is actually the director. HEDDA: Oops! Sorry. But why are you sweeping the stage? Isn’t that usually done by the stage manager? 30 BASIL: The stage manager is… late. HEDDA: (Smells a “scoop.”) So! You’ve got a problem stage manager! BASIL: Oh, no, Hedda! The stage manager is fine. He’s just… late. Right, Marlene? (During this line, BETTE and CAROLE ENTER LEFT. Each carries a very wet umbrella.) 35 MARLENE: Right. BETTE: You mean the stage manager didn’t show up again? (BASIL and MARLENE look at each other in embarrassment. HEDDA writes in her notebook.) BASIL: (Quick, to cover.) Check your props, Bette!

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1 CAROLE: But where is the— BASIL: Check your props, Carole! BETTE: (To CAROLE.) Guess we’d better go check our props. (EXITS RIGHT with CAROLE.) 5 MARLENE: (To HEDDA.) I’d better check my props, too. The rehearsal will be starting as soon as the other actors get here. Er—right, Basil? BASIL: Right. (To HEDDA.) You’d better get out front if you want to watch the dress rehearsal. 10 HEDDA: Will do. I can’t wait to see how things go tonight. And I’m really looking forward to the performance tomorrow night! Imagine! The world premiere of a new whodunnit! (To BASIL.) But before I go—what was your name again? BASIL: (Nervous.) My name? You need my name for the school

15 newspaper? Our school newspaper? Why?

HEDDA: You’re the director of Captain Dangerous. My readers will

want to know who you are!

BASIL: Oh, yeah. My name is Basil. B-A-S-I-L. No last name. Please.

HEDDA: No last name! You theatre people are so artistic! See you two 20 after the rehearsal! (EXITS RIGHT.)

MARLENE/BASIL: See you. BETTE: (ENTERS RIGHT with CAROLE.) What gives, Basil? CAROLE: Bette and I don’t even use props in this play! MARLENE: And you’re not the director! You really are the stagehand! 25 Why did you lie to Hedda? BASIL: So she wouldn’t find out the truth. The stage manager didn’t show up. I don’t know where he is. And the director isn’t coming at all ever again. MARLENE: What?

30 BASIL: She left Fiddlesticks High School to go direct plays at Richy

Rich High School across town.

BETTE: How could she leave us just before the final dress rehearsal? BASIL: That’s show biz. (SOUND EFFECT: THUNDER.) KATHARINE: (ENTERS LEFT with LANA and VERONICA.) Brother, what 35 a storm! It’s raining cats and dogs out there! LANA: There are trees down across the roads, and the electricity has gone out on the other side of town!

VERONICA: I hope our electricity doesn’t go out here at Fiddlesticks.

We wouldn’t have any stage lights for our rehearsal. We’d have to

40 rehearse by flashlight!

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1 BASIL: And with our luck, the flashlight batteries would be dead. LANA: What? And where’s the director? Rehearsal starts any minute. CAROLE: The director left us. BASIL: The stage manager is gone, too. 5 MARLENE: And Hedda, the gossip columnist from the school newspaper, is sitting out front waiting for the rehearsal to begin. BETTE: We’ll just have to carry on by ourselves. BASIL: Right. Now! Hedda already thinks I’m the director, so I guess I’d better keep acting like the director. 10 VERONICA: Got it. BASIL: Veronica, go check your props. Katharine, you and Lana check your props and then check to see if the lights and sound operators showed up. LANA: They can’t leave us, too! 15 KATHARINE: It’s theatre, Lana. Anything can happen.

VERONICA: I just wish it would happen to somebody else! (EXITS RIGHT with KATHARINE and LANA.) CAROLE: Come on, Bette, let’s check costumes and make sure

nothing’s wrong with them. Don’t forget I need help changing my 20 costume backstage before the scene where Captain Dangerous is shot.

BETTE: I’m not on when that scene begins, so I can help you dress in

the wings. (EXITS LEFT with CAROLE.)

MARLENE: (To BASIL.) Where is everybody else? Rehearsal starts any

25 minute, and half the cast is missing!

BASIL: Maybe they all went to audition at Richy Rich High School.

MARLENE: It has to be because of the bad weather. They wouldn’t quit on us! Why would any kid want to leave a great place like Fiddlesticks? (SOUND EFFECT: STRONG WIND. MARLENE and

30 BASIL respond to the noise.)

KATHARINE: (ENTERS RIGHT with VERONICA and LANA.) The sound

operator is missing. The light operator, too.

LANA: And does it mean something when there’s smoke coming from

the lightboard?

35 VERONICA: I just checked the props table. Isn’t Captain Dangerous a

whodunnit?

MARLENE: It was at last night’s rehearsal. VERONICA: Well, I’d like to know whodunnit. Who took the toy gun

from the props table?

40 MARLENE: It’s missing?

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1 BASIL: So how will the bad guy shoot the captain in the final scene of the play? VERONICA: He’ll have to use a Scotch tape dispenser. That’s all we’ve got. (EXITS RIGHT with LANA and KATHARINE.) 5 BASIL: Let’s see now. I’m the stagehand, I’m the director and I’m the lights and sound operator. Is there anything else I should be doing right now?

MARLENE: Chew your fingernails. I’ll go look for that toy gun.(EXITS RIGHT.) 10 LON: (ENTERS LEFT with BORIS, CLARK and HUMPHREY. To BASIL.) Holy heck, what a storm! HUMPHREY: Great weather for a murder mystery! BORIS: (To BASIL.) We almost didn’t get here. The streetlights in the neighborhood just went out! 15 CLARK: And the street in front of the school is flooding. But we made it! Vivien, Joan and Olivia are right behind us. Everyone else here, Basil? BASIL: If they’re coming, they’re here. LON: Where’s the director? 20 BORIS: Where’s the stage manager? BASIL: Not here and not coming. It looks like I’ll be standing in as director. Everyone, check props then get into costume. I’ll be up in the light booth. Marlene’s going to have to run things from backstage. Go, go, go! (EXITS RIGHT.) 25 LON: Clark, wasn’t that the theatre critic from the school newspaper out in the parking lot? CLARK: And on her way into the theatre! BORIS: I don’t think anyone expected the theatre critic to be here tonight. 30 HUMPHREY: Everyone who thinks we should tell Basil about the theatre critic, please raise your hand. (Pause. They look at each other. No one raises a hand.) That’s the first time we’ve agreed on anything since kindergarten! BETTE: (Steps ON LEFT.) All the costumes are ready. Except for Lon’s 35 “Captain” costume. It’s missing. LON: My costume is missing? CAROLE: (Steps ON LEFT.) I found a clown suit. He’ll have to wear that. (She and BETTE EXIT LEFT. BORIS, CLARK and HUMPHREY laugh.) LON: A clown suit? No!

40 HUMPHREY: The show must go on, Lon. The show must go on.

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1 MARLENE: (ENTERS RIGHT. Agitated.) Lon! Humphrey! Get in costume, quick! The curtain’s going up in seconds! And, Boris, when you shoot the captain in the final scene? BORIS: Yes? 5 MARLENE: Use the Scotch tape dispenser. LON: (To BORIS.) The show must— BORIS: I know, Lon. I know! (EXITS LEFT with LON, CLARK and HUMPHREY. SOUND EFFECT: THUNDER.) OLIVIA: (ENTERS LEFT with JOAN and VIVIEN. Their clothing is wet and 10 their hair messy and windblown. They rush to MARLENE.) Marlene! We’re so sorry we’re late! The storm is getting worse and worse. Where is everyone?

JOAN: It’s raining— MARLENE: —cats and dogs. I’ve heard! Get in place, all three of you. 15 The curtain is going up and you’re on.

JOAN: On? We’re not even in costume yet! MARLENE: Too late for that. OLIVIA: My hat’s all wet! My hair’s a mess! MARLENE: Work it into the script! 20 VIVIEN: But the first scene takes place in the desert. MARLENE: Look, Basil’s up in the booth, I’m running backstage, the hero is now a circus clown, and I hope you don’t need any Scotch tape. Wet hair is the least of our worries at the moment! Just go with it!

25 OLIVIA/JOAN/VIVIEN: But—

MARLENE: Break a leg, girls! (BLACKOUT.)

End of Scene One

Scene Two LIGHTS UP: A small backdrop represents the Sahara Desert set for Captain Dangerous, or this scene could also be played in front of the curtain. HEDDA, who sits on a folding chair to the side of the set 30 DOWN RIGHT, applauds enthusiastically. BASIL ENTERS LEFT and sits atop a tall stepladder DOWN LEFT, which passes for the light booth. MARLENE: (ENTERS RIGHT.) Ladies and gentlemen, Fiddlesticks High School proudly presents Captain Dangerous! (EXITS LEFT. JOAN, OLIVIA and VIVIEN ENTER RIGHT, but because of the rush and lack 35 of costumes, they are rattled. They give the audience a deer-in-the- headlights look, then begin the scene. Their acting is awkward and stagey. They stumble over their lines and look off into the wings with alarm.)

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1 JOAN: The Sahara Desert! My goodness, I can’t believe we’re here! It’s the driest spot on earth, did you know that, sisters? No wonder we’re all— (Struggles for a way out, but there is none.) —wet. I mean… set! No wonder we’re all set! 5 OLIVIA: (Weak.) Wet? Set! (Looks around, hoping to be struck by some brilliant ad lib. Nothing comes to her.) You bet! VIVIEN: (Tries to get the scene back on track.) We won’t be stuck in this—wet—desert for long. Surely Captain Dangerous will realize we’re missing from the caravan that left the Casbah! 10 JOAN: And he’ll organize a search party to come looking for us! OLIVIA: Why, you’re right! For nothing escapes the attention of the heroic Captain Dangerous. As a matter of fact, I think I hear him coming right now! Yes! I’m sure that’s the sound of the captain approaching! (A beat. No one enters.) Yes, I certainly do believe that the captain is on his way! (Another beat. No one enters. OLIVIA 15 crosses RIGHT and shouts OFF.) I said, “I believe the captain is

on his way!” (BETTE leans IN RIGHT from the wings and whispers

to OLIVIA, who turns back to JOAN and VIVIEN.) Perhaps I was

mistaken. Perhaps he can’t come, because he’s not dressed

20 properly.

VIVIEN: I know just how he feels.

JOAN: Well! My goodness! I… hmmm. While we wait for Captain

Dangerous to come—and I hope it’s soon—maybe I should

entertain you. To take our minds off our troubles.

25 VIVIEN: Yes, do! You know how we love to hear you play your violin.

OLIVIA: Oh, yes! I’m so glad you thought to bring your violin when we

came to Africa on our trip.

JOAN: Thank goodness I didn’t forget it— (Realizes she had no time

to pre-set the violin.) —backstage! I mean, back in England, of

30 course. (OLIVIA and VIVIEN look about and realize the violin is not onstage. They decide to ad-lib around it.)

OLIVIA: Well… maybe you did leave it back in England.

VIVIEN: What a pity that you did! Oh, dear. I’m afraid we just won’t be able to hear you play the violin. (CAROLE thrusts the violin case ON 35 from STAGE LEFT. VIVIEN at first ignores CAROLE as she waves the

case in her face. Finally, VIVIEN reaches for it.) Why, look! A miracle, sister! It’s your— (The violin case falls open. It is empty.) —invisible violin! (SOUND EFFECT: FABRIC BEING RIPPED.) LON: (From OFF RIGHT.) I’m not wearing this costume! I’m not going 40 to do it! KATHARINE: (From OFF RIGHT.) Yes, you are! LANA: (From OFF RIGHT.) Hush up, both of you!

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1 OLIVIA: Sisters! I hear the captain’s voice! He must be arriving any minute! JOAN: We’re saved! VIVIEN: I knew Captain Dangerous would find us. I knew he would 5 never abandon three helpless sisters in the middle of the Sahara Desert! For there’s no hero so brave and strong and true as— VIVIEN/JOAN/OLIVIA: Captain Dangerous! (JOAN, VIVIEN and OLIVIA strike theatrical poses for the entrance of Captain Dangerous.) LON: (ENTERS RIGHT, forlorn, in a torn clown suit. Tries to look and 10 sound heroic, but it isn’t easy.) You are saved, ladies. I, Captain Dangerous, am here at last! I guess. VIVIEN/JOAN/OLIVIA: (Gape at his sorry appearance, then remember themselves.) Thank goodness! (Sigh with relief and again strike

poses to indicate the end of the scene. But the expected light cue

15 doesn’t come.)

MARLENE: (ENTERS LEFT and shouts up to BASIL in the booth.) Blackout! (EXITS LEFT. As BASIL finally hits his light cue, BLACKOUT.)

End of Scene Two

Scene Three

LIGHTS UP: Backstage, between scenes of Captain Dangerous. SOUND EFFECT: THUNDER. KATHARINE and LANA are prepping for the next 20 scene. KATHARINE holds a crystal vase. LON, VIVIEN, JOAN and OLIVIA

slump ON, as they are now out of the audience’s view.

VIVIEN: That was the worst first scene in any play ever. OLIVIA: This could be the end of my acting career at Fiddlesticks High School! 25 JOAN: I wonder if they could use three more students over at Richy Rich High School? (VIVIEN, OLIVIA and JOAN EXIT LEFT.) MARLENE: (ENTERS RIGHT, clipboard in one hand and a wig and shawl in the other. She passes quickly through the acting area.) Scene Two! Everybody get ready for Scene Two! Lights up! Katharine! 30 Lana! Get out there! (LANA and KATHARINE EXIT LEFT, taking the vase.) LON: Marlene, I’ve got some bad news for you. MARLENE: I know. You hate the clown suit. But it was either that or a wedding dress. 35 LON: Never mind what I wear. Hedda isn’t the only one who’s out there watching this rehearsal. The theatre critic from the school newspaper walked in just ahead of me. MARLENE: (With dread.) Theda Gooch? The critic who hates everything?

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1 LON: The guys and I thought we should keep it a secret. But considering how badly everything is going… MARLENE: The rehearsal is bound to get better. KATHARINE: (From OFF. Acting in the play-within-a-play. [SEE 5 PRODUCTION NOTES.]) Drat! The Captain has rescued those meddling Sterling Sisters from a terrible fate in the middle of the desert! LANA: (From OFF. Acting.) And now they’re here at headquarters. And growing too nosy for their own good. Prunella, how will we keep 10 those goody-goodies from finding out that you and I have stolen the priceless crystal vase? KATHARINE: (From OFF. Acting.) Don’t worry, Patience. We’ll hide it here on this high shelf above the fireplace.(SOUND EFFECT: GLASS

SHATTERING. MARLENE and LON look at each other in despair.)

15 Well! Perhaps… there is… another priceless crystal vase!

LANA: (From OFF. Acting.) I hope so!

VERONICA: (ENTERS LEFT with HUMPHREY.) Katharine just broke the priceless crystal vase. What can we use for the rest of the play?

HUMPHREY: There’s an orange plastic pumpkin on the floor by the

20 dressing room door.

MARLENE: (To HUMPHREY.) Get it onstage. Somehow! (HUMPHREY

EXITS LEFT. TO VERONICA.) Sneak up into the booth and tell Basil

that the light cue to end this scene has got to be fast.

VERONICA: Okay! (EXITS RIGHT.) 25 MARLENE: (To LON.) Now where were we? Oh, that’s right! Theda Gooch! Don’t tell anyone else in the cast about her. And don’t miss your next cue! LON: I’ll be there. (EXITS RIGHT.) LANA: (From OFF. Acting.) But we must find a safe place to hide this… 30 priceless plastic pumpkin! KATHARINE: (From OFF. Acting.) Yes! Before Aunt Charity arrives to find that we have it! MARLENE: Aunt Charity… Aunt Charity… Who’s playing Aunt Charity? Me! I’m Aunt Charity! Ohmigosh! I have to get out there! (Quickly 35 puts on the wig and shawl, then EXITS LEFT at a run.) CAROLE: (ENTERS RIGHT.) Marlene? (BETTE and BORIS ENTER LEFT.) Marlene? Where is she? BETTE: I think the Aunt Charity scene takes place now. So I hope she’s onstage! 40 MARLENE: (From OFF. Acting.) How nice to see my two nieces back here at headquarters!

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1 KATHARINE: (From OFF. Acting.) It’s nice to see you, too! BORIS: You know what I just saw back in the hall by the dressing room? BETTE: What? Should we call the police? 5 BORIS: Aunt Charity’s rocking chair. The one that’s supposed to be onstage right now. CAROLE: I wonder if any of them have noticed we forgot to pre-set the rocking chair? LANA: (From OFF. Acting.) You must be tired, Aunt Charity, after your

10 long trip across the desert. Why don’t you rest by sitting down on this… violin case? BORIS/CAROLE/BETTE: They noticed.

CAROLE: Where’s Clark? And Lon? The three of us have an entrance

after Aunt Charity falls asleep.

15 BORIS: Marlene can’t sleep onstage for that whole scene.

BETTE: That’s what’s in the script!

BORIS: But who will give Basil the light cues? Who will get the actors onstage? Who’s gonna keep this rehearsal moving? An actor is

only an actor, but a stage manager is really important!

20 BETTE: You’re right about that! We’ve got to get her offstage and back

here. Sooooo—when the lights go down, I’ll sneak out onstage

and take Marlene’s place in the rocking chair. I mean, on the violin

case. I’ll keep my head down, so nobody notices the change. Marlene can come back here and run the show. When we get 25 to the last scene, and everyone’s onstage, Marlene can be Aunt Charity again, and I’ll go back to my original role. CLARK: (ENTERS LEFT.) What happened to that orange plastic pumpkin from the dressing room? BETTE: Beats me. 30 CLARK: Hmmm. I emptied my potato chips into it so that nobody would find them and eat them. CAROLE: Come on, Clark. We’ve got an entrance. (EXITS LEFT with CLARK.) KATHARINE: (From OFF. Acting.) Quick, Patience! Aunt Charity has

35 fallen asleep! We haven’t a moment to lose! LANA: (From OFF. Acting.) It’s too late, Prunella. I see those two nosy servants, Raymond and Bernadette, coming down the hallway. We must flee. Now! KATHARINE: (From OFF. Acting.) We’ll hide behind this screen! Quickly! 40 VERONICA: (ENTERS RIGHT.) Hey, Carole, where are you? (To BETTE.) Too late. She must be onstage. Darn it! Basil asked me to tell her

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1 he can’t get the stage right lights to work. She’ll have to play her scene with Clark on stage left. BETTE: Gotta run, Veronica. I’m onstage. I’m Aunt Charity. VERONICA: No, you’re not. Marlene is Aunt Charity. 5 BETTE: Only when she’s awake. VERONICA: When who’s awake? (BETTE EXITS RIGHT. LANA ENTERS LEFT.) Is someone asleep? LANA: Yup. That theatre critic, Theda Gooch. She’s in aisle ‘J’ asleep with her mouth wide open. And snoring like a sedated rhino. 10 BORIS: Theda needs her sleep. Let’s shut down the rehearsal, leave the theatre and sneak out of town. LANA: We couldn’t do that to Fiddlesticks High School!

CAROLE: (From OFF. Acting.) Why Raymond, look! It’s Aunt Charity. I

think… And she’s sound asleep—on a violin case! I wonder where

15 her two pesky nieces have gone? We were told to meet them here, weren’t we?

CLARK: (From OFF. Acting.) You’re right, Bernadette. Being servants to Captain Dangerous often involves mysterious things, though. For I suspect something else is missing here as well.

20 CAROLE: (From OFF. Acting.) You mean the priceless plastic pumpkin? It’s been in the captain’s family for years. What will he say when he learns it’s gone?

CLARK: (From OFF. Acting.) And that we suspect the thieves are none

other than Aunt Charity’s nieces, Patience and Prunella? (CLARK

25 and CAROLE apparently have struck some pose to indicate it is the end of Scene Two, for HEDDA applauds from OFF LEFT.) MARLENE: (ENTERS RIGHT, breathless.) Places for Scene Three! Places for Scene Three, please! (LIGHTS FADE to BLACK.) End of Scene Three

Scene Four LIGHTS UP LOW: On the home of Captain Dangerous, as the actors

30 take their places for scene three of Captain Dangerous. There is a small table UP LEFT. BASIL is DOWN LEFT on the stepladder representing the light booth, and HEDDA is in her seat DOWN RIGHT. VERONICA, HUMPHREY and BORIS ENTER RIGHT. BETTE ENTERS LEFT, wearing the wig and shawl to fill in for MARLENE as the sleeping Aunt Charity. 35 LON: (ENTERS RIGHT quickly, wearing only his street clothes.) Bette! You’ve gotta come help me! I was in the bathroom, so I took off the clown costume, but I accidentally dropped it in the… in the… you know… in the bathroom and… Bette, you’ve got to come help me! This is real trouble! 10 NOTE:For PHOTOCOPYING preview THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL only COPYRIGHT LAWS

1 BETTE: But I’m supposed to be onstage for Marlene as Aunt Charity! LON: Later! (Grabs BETTE and pulls her OFF RIGHT. LIGHTS FADE UP to FULL. VERONICA, HUMPHREY and BORIS, who have been holding a pose waiting for the lights to go up, now begin the scene.) 5 VERONICA: Just a few more hours and we’ll find out the truth about the Sterling Sisters and whether they really are innocent of the theft of the priceless crystal vase— BORIS: Or if they’ve stolen it and are plotting against Captain Dangerous! 10 HUMPHREY: How I admire him, Gwendolyn! That brave… er… clown… who rescued the Sterling Sisters from that strangely wet desert, the… the… VIVIEN: (From OFF RIGHT.) The Sahara. HUMPHREY: The Sahara!

15 VERONICA: You’re so right, Louis. And how lucky we are to have lived next

door to Captain Dangerous for the last thirty years. But here is Aunt

Charity! Perhaps she can tell us more about what’s going on around

here. (Looks for Aunt Charity, but BETTE isn’t onstage, MARLENE can’t

be onstage and even the rocker has still not been pre-set.) 20 BORIS: (Looking in the opposite direction, unaware of the problems.)

Yes, let’s wake up the old dear and see what she has to say!

HUMPHREY: I would wake her up. But she’s not here. Even her rocking

chair is gone!

MARLENE: (From OFF RIGHT.) Where is that rocking chair? Did we

25 forget to pre-set it again?

OLIVIA: (From OFF RIGHT.) I’ve got it! (Quickly ENTERS RIGHT, pushing

the chair onstage, then EXITS RIGHT.)

VERONICA: Why, look! Aunt Charity’s rocking chair is back! But where

is the old dear?

30 BORIS: (Panicked.) Yes! Where is she? I’m sure she has some important information for us! (JOAN ENTERS LEFT, grabs BORIS,

pulls him aside and whispers furiously to him. As JOAN EXITS LEFT, BORIS turns to the other actors.) It seems Aunt Charity is no longer with us. She’s—dead!

35 HUMPHREY: Aunt Charity?

VERONICA: Dead? BORIS: Yes… the poor old dear! We’ll just have to go on without her! VIVIEN: (From OFF LEFT.) Joan! Strike the rocking chair! They just ad- libbed a death for Aunt Charity! 40 JOAN: Got it! (Runs ON LEFT, grabs the rocker and pulls it OFF LEFT. MARLENE rushes ON RIGHT wearing the hastily-donned shawl

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1 over her stage manager attire and with her old-age wig askew, too anxious to notice that her rocker has been removed from the stage.) VERONICA: Why, look! The old dear has come back to life! MARLENE: Yes, I have! But I’m especially tired so I think I’ll just sit 5 down in my— BORIS/VERONICA/HUMPHREY: (Rush to stop MARLENE from sitting down in a rocker that’s no longer there.) No! HUMPHREY: The old dear doesn’t know we sold the rocker! VERONICA: Yes! That’s just what we did! 10 JOAN: (From OFF LEFT.) Aunt Charity’s risen from the dead! VIVIEN: (From OFF LEFT.) Give them the rocking chair!

KATHARINE: (From OFF LEFT.) I’ve got it, Vivien! (ENTERS LEFT, sets the rocker just under MARLENE, then ducks OFF LEFT.) BORIS: But that sale fell through! (MARLENE sits in the rocking chair.)

15 VERONICA: Tell us, Aunt Charity, can we trust the Sterling Sisters? And why does everyone think the captain’s life is in danger? MARLENE: (Really goes to town in her big dramatic moment.) Patience, everyone! All will be revealed tonight at the dinner party in honor of the Sterling Sisters and their miraculous rescue from the desert. 20 I, myself, have some questions to ask about the priceless plastic pumpkin. And perhaps… perhaps… (Exasperated, MARLENE gets up, walks DOWN LEFT and addresses BASIL, up in the booth.) Perhaps if we had a telephone, it would ring right now! (CAROLE ENTERS LEFT, puts a telephone on the table UP LEFT and ducks 25 OFF again. VERONICA crosses to the phone to answer it.)

BASIL: (Just as she picks it up, BASIL belatedly gives a vocal sound

cue.) Brring! Brring! (MARLENE, VERONICA, HUMPHREY and BORIS roll their eyes.) VERONICA: (On the telephone.) Hello? Yes! Oh my goodness! Of

30 course! Right away! (Hangs up.) It’s the captain! He was very nearly killed just minutes ago by a runaway camel! HUMPHREY: A camel?

BORIS: Of course, a camel! We’re in the desert, aren’t we? VERONICA: We must go help the camel—I mean the captain—now! 35 (VERONICA, BORIS, HUMPHEY and MARLENE strike theatrical poses.) BASIL: (Realizes that MARLENE can’t give him the light cue because she is onstage. In his nervousness, he gives the cue to himself.) Blackout! (HEDDA applauds. BLACKOUT.) End of Scene Four

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Scene Five 1 LIGHTS UP: LANA, MARLENE, HUMPHREY and VERONICA are backstage between scenes of Captain Dangerous. BASIL ENTERS RIGHT. MARLENE: (To BASIL.) What happened to our sound cue for the phone? BASIL: I blew a fuse… or something. Our sound isn’t working. 5 MARLENE: What about the light cue?

BASIL: I forgot it was coming. Look, I’m doing the best I can, all from memory. The director never gave me a script, since he didn’t expect me to be anything other than a stagehand. (SOUND EFFECT: WIND, THUNDER and RAIN. ALL look at the ceiling in response to this.) 10 KATHARINE: (ENTERS RIGHT.) I just listened to a weather report on the radio. The storm is expected to go on all night. Nearly everyone has lost power. We’ve got to get this rehearsal finished before we’re doing it in a lifeboat by the light of a safety flare! JOAN: (ENTERS RIGHT with OLIVIA and VIVIEN.) We looked everywhere 15 for the violin. It’s gone. Promise me I don’t have to play the invisible violin for this last scene! BASIL: We’ll cut the violin. Ad-lib around it. OLIVIA: All of us? (Sarcastic.) Well, that won’t be hard at all! VIVIEN: And what did Humphrey tell us about the priceless crystal 20 vase?

LANA: Smashed to bits. VERONICA: We substituted the plastic pumpkin that was sitting outside the dressing room door. OLIVIA: So the thieves have stolen a priceless piece of plastic? 25 VIVIEN: In the middle of the Sahara Desert. JOAN: This play gets more complicated every minute! MARLENE: Nobody needs to use that phone in the last scene, right? HUMPHREY: I have to use it when I call the police to tell them the captain’s been shot. But the phone doesn’t have to ring. I just 30 have to dial it. BASIL: Good. That saves me from another “brring, bring.” MARLENE: Where’s Boris? KATHARINE: I’ll go get him. He’s back in the costume shop with Carole, Lon, Clark and Bette. Lon can’t wear his clown suit 35 anymore, because it got wet in the bathroom. Don’t ask. They’re all trying to find him something that’s more appropriate for a hero- type. (EXITS LEFT.) LANA: No sound, no violin, a Scotch tape dispenser and who knows what the hero will be wearing when he shows up. That theatre

40 critic out there is going to love this. (BORIS ENTERS LEFT.)

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1 BASIL: Theda Gooch? She’s out there? Why didn’t anyone tell me? BORIS: We didn’t want to ruin your night. BASIL: Arghhhh! (EXITS RIGHT.) MARLENE: Places, everyone, for the last scene! Places, please! 5 CLARK: (Runs ON LEFT and crosses to BORIS.) So who’s the genius who decided to substitute my plastic pumpkin for the priceless crystal vase? BORIS: I don’t know, but Veronica’s the one who put it onstage. CLARK: And I’ll bet she took all my potato chips! (ALL EXIT LEFT or 10 RIGHT to take their places for the final scene. Once everyone has gone, BETTE and CAROLE ENTER LEFT.) CAROLE: Where is everyone? I bet they’re getting ready for the last scene. Wait until they find out what Lon is wearing! Ohmigosh! I gotta get my costume changed, now! 15 BETTE: Don’t worry, Carole, I’ll get it from the costume shop. (EXITS LEFT with CAROLE. LIGHTS FADE to BLACK.)

End of Scene Five

Scene Six

LIGHTS UP: The home of Captain Dangerous. The telephone is on the table UP LEFT. BASIL is DOWN LEFT on the stepladder representing the light booth, and HEDDA is in her seat DOWN RIGHT. ALL OTHERS

20 besides CAROLE, BETTE, LON and BORIS are ONSTAGE to begin playing

the final scene of the play-within-a-play.

VERONICA: What a wonderful party! I don’t know when I’ve enjoyed

myself so much.

JOAN: Someday, years from now, we’ll look back on this as the fondest 25 memory we have of our adventure in the Sahara Desert. Don’t you agree, sister?

OLIVIA: I’ll never forget this night as long as I live!

BETTE: (From OFF RIGHT.) Oh, Carole! I can’t get this zipper to budge.

I think it’s broken!

30 CAROLE: (From OFF RIGHT.) Just help me get the dress over my head.

Maybe I can hold the zipper closed!

CLARK: But where is our host? Captain Dangerous? We can’t have a

party without him! HUMPHREY: I’d love to hear how he escaped from that runaway camel

35 today!

CAROLE: (From OFF RIGHT.) Ouch! My hair’s caught in the zipper! And

I can’t breathe!

14 NOTE:For PHOTOCOPYING preview THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL only COPYRIGHT LAWS 1 BETTE: (From OFF RIGHT.) I can’t get the dress down over your head. I forgot to unbutton it! CAROLE: (From OFF RIGHT.) I can’t breathe! I can’t see! Where am I? (Stumbles ON RIGHT with a dress over her head. MARLENE and 5 LANA try to stop her. BETTE steps ON RIGHT and flails her arms.) MARLENE: My goodness! That’s not the captain! Who can it be? LANA: It’s not anybody. Yet! (Pushes CAROLE back into BETTE’S arms. BETTE pulls CAROLE OFF RIGHT.) KATHARINE: I’m sure Captain Dangerous will be here soon. Perhaps 10 he’ll be able to tell us what has become of the priceless plastic pumpkin! I think I’ll just check and see if the captain is coming… (Looks OFF RIGHT.) Yes! I see him! He’s almost here. (Poses, with an arm extended.) And if the maid, Bernadette, were here, I’m sure she’d take great pride in announcing the arrival of our hero! 15 (CAROLE ENTERS RIGHT, wearing her dress as it should be. She has not heard KATHARINE’S well-intended ad lib to cover her absence

and makes the error more obvious by covering the same territory.)

CAROLE: (Extends her arm to the wings.) I, Bernadette, take great pride

in announcing the arrival of our hero! (EXITS RIGHT and the other 20 ACTORS exchange anguished looks and turn for LON’S arrival.)

LON: (Strides ON RIGHT dressed as a bunny. Utterly humiliated.) Good evening, everyone. ALL OTHERS: Good evening, Captain Dangerous. LON: I suppose you’re all wondering why I called you together this 25 evening. Well! No sooner had I rescued the Sterling Sisters than I returned to headquarters and learned, to my horror, that someone had stolen the priceless plastic pumpkin. I quickly learned that it was stolen by Aunt Charity’s evil nieces, Prudence and Patience, but that they were only working for somebody else! Somebody even 30 more sinister, more mysterious. I needed to discover who this was, yet I had to do it without arousing the suspicion of anyone around

me. And so I turned to my oldest and closest friend, Detective

Edgar Bisquick. (Looks about. Realizes the actor playing Edgar isn’t there. Shoots a pleading look at MARLENE who gives him a “What 35 can we do?” gesture. BETTE takes control, confidently ENTERING RIGHT, wearing an obviously fake moustache, which looks about to fall off. She will be Edgar.) Edgar has learned who was behind the stealing of the priceless plastic pumpkin. The person who stole it was the very person who stranded the Sterling Sisters in the 40 desert, the very person who hired the camel driver who nearly

killed me today, the very person who has deceived me for these

many years here at headquarters. And that person is—

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1 BORIS: (ENTERS LEFT as the Mysterious Stranger, Scotch tape dispenser in hand.) Stop! Don’t make another move, Captain Dangerous! I’ve got a Scotch tape dispenser, and I’m not afraid to use it! Yes, I am the one who stole the priceless plastic pemcorn… the priceless 5 poopy popcorn… the pearly popping… whatever it is! I stole it! And shall I tell you where it’s hidden? Because it’s right in this room! LON: You dared to hide the priceless plastic pumpkin right in my own house! Without my permission? BORIS: (Sneers.) Captain, may I? (EVERYONE gasps.) It’s hidden right 10 here! (Points to a spot to UP RIGHT. There is no pumpkin there. He reacts, then crosses to LEFT and points again.) No, I mean here! (But there is no pumpkin to be found. BETTE inches RIGHT, sees the pumpkin just “backstage,” grabs it and nudges it with her foot to the original spot. BORIS walks back to the pumpkin.) No! I was right the 15 first time! Here it is. The priceless pumpkin, filled with very rare and costly— (Looks inside.) —potato chips! ALL: Potato chips? CLARK: (Breaks character.) Mine! LON: You’ll never get away with this! 20 BORIS: Yes, I will! (Raises the Scotch tape dispenser, looks at it, does a helpless take to his fellow actors, then “shoots” LON.) BASIL: (Provides the sound effect.) Bam! Bam! (LON slumps to the floor. OLIVIA, JOAN and LANA gather around him. BORIS grabs the pumpkin and moves to make his escape.)

25 BORIS: You’ll never take me alive! (Turns to EXIT RIGHT, but runs directly

into BETTE. Without a firm grasp on the pumpkin, he fumbles it and sends potato chips cascading over BETTE’s head and shoulders. BORIS drops the pumpkin and the Scotch tape dispenser and runs OFF RIGHT.) 30 VERONICA: The Captain! He’s gravely wounded and unconscious! (Except he isn’t.) LON: (Tries to lie still but feels a sneeze coming on and can’t suppress it.) Ah—choo! (In a stage whisper, to OTHERS.) Sorry. MARLENE: We must call the police! 35 HUMPHREY: (Takes command.) I’ll do it! (Goes to the telephone. He picks up the receiver and watches as the phone cord, which has inexplicably been severed, swings in the air. He gives a horrified look to the other actors. BETTE’S moustache falls off.) CAROLE: (ENTERS RIGHT holding her dress together with both hands. 40 Having lost track of the stage action, she now jumps her cue by several pages.) Good news! The police have answered our call! They’re here! We’re saved, for no one can defeat—

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1 ALL: Captain Dangerous! (LON gives a terrific sneeze. CAROLE’S dress falls off, leaving her only in her street clothes. BETTE takes a step forward and winds up with a foot in the discarded pumpkin.) MARLENE: (Turns and bellows to BASIL.) Curtain! Please! (The dazed 5 ACTORS strike a tableau. HEDDA applauds wildly. BASIL races OFF LEFT to close the curtain. CURTAIN begins to close as the LIGHTS FADE to BLACK.) End of Scene Six

Scene Seven LIGHTS UP: EVERYONE but BASIL and HEDDA are backstage after the show. 10 VIVIEN: It was awful. A mess! I can’t ever show my face at school again. The entire sophomore class is going to make fun of me once Theda Gooch writes about this disaster! JOAN: No one’s ever had such a terrible dress rehearsal! CAROLE: I hope the playwright doesn’t sue us. 15 CLARK: I hope the principal doesn’t sue us. LON: Sorry about the sneezing. I must be allergic to this Easter Bunny suit. BASIL: (ENTERS RIGHT.) Well, all I can say is, Captain Dangerous sure seems to be— 20 HEDDA: (ENTERS LEFT, in high spirits.) Absolutely brilliant! So unique! So unexpected! I was thrilled, thrilled, thrilled. And so was Theda Gooch, the theatre critic. You’re all sure to get a rave review. (To BASIL.) And you! What a creative mind you have! Promise me that your talented cast will give a performance just like this tomorrow 25 for the opening night! VIVIEN: I don’t know, Hedda. I’m not sure any cast could repeat what we did here tonight. HEDDA: I’m sure you can! The Fiddlesticks High School actors are in a class by themselves! (SOUND EFFECT: THUNDER and RAIN.) 30 Oh, but all this rain outside! I really must dash. The weather is frightful. I hope I don’t need a motorboat to get out of here! Before I go— (Pulls a toy gun out of her handbag.) I found this on the seat next to mine out in the house. Does it belong to anybody? BORIS: (Takes the gun.) It’s mine. Thanks. 35 HEDDA: See you all tomorrow night! (EXITS LEFT.) BETTE: Theda has never given us a good review before. And she’s going to give us a rave for this? LANA: Now we know what kind of show theatre critics really appreciate.

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1 VERONICA: I say, let’s all go home, get some sleep. And pray that the director comes back from Richy Rich High School. With the stage manager right behind her. BORIS: I don’t know if we need them. I think Basil and Marlene did 5 a pretty good job of holding it together for us! (Pause. ACTORS are unsure if this is a compliment or not. At last, there is some applause. It grows until it is quite warm.) MARLENE: Thanks. BASIL: Thank you. 10 MARLENE: Okay, folks. Put props on the props table, hang up your costumes. I’ll start locking up the theatre. BASIL: Then we can all go out into the storm and swim home.

VERONICA: (Takes the gun from BORIS.) I think I’ll take the toy gun,

thank you, and make sure it gets back on the props table where it

15 belongs. (BORIS gives her a sheepish look.)

KATHARINE: But don’t get any ideas about using it tomorrow night. You’ll have to use the Scotch tape dispenser again. We don’t want to disappoint Theda and Hedda! ALL: (Ad-lib.) You’re right. Sure. Okay. Whatever you say. (Etc. ALL EXIT 20 except BASIL and MARLENE.) BASIL: You know, I’m actually feeling pretty optimistic about tomorrow night’s first performance. MARLENE: Yeah. I guess it could be good. Most everyone likes a whodunit, even if it’s a particularly confusing whodunit like Captain 25 Dangerous. BASIL: And our luck has got to get better. Look at what we’ve gone through tonight! Every disaster in the book! Is there anything else that could possibly happen to us? (SOUND EFFECT: CLAP OF THUNDER. BLACKOUT.)

30 MARLENE: (Calm, but weary.) I’ll get the flashlights. (CURTAIN.) End of Play

18 NOTE:For PHOTOCOPYING preview THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL only COPYRIGHT LAWS

PRODUCTION NOTES

PROPERTIES ONSTAGE Scene Two: Folding chair, stepladder Scene Four: Folding chair, stepladder, small table Scene Six: Folding chair, stepladder, small table, telephone with cut cord

PROPERTIES BROUGHT ON Scene One: Broom (BASIL) Notebook, pencil, handbag (HEDDA) Wet umbrella (BETTE, CAROLE) Scene Two: Empty violin case (CAROLE) Scene Three: “Crystal” vase (KATHARINE) Clipboard, wig, shawl (MARLENE) Scene Four: Rocking chair (OLIVIA) Telephone (CAROLE) Scene Six: Scotch tape dispenser (BORIS) Fake moustache, plastic pumpkin filled with potato chips (BETTE) Scene Seven: Toy gun, handbag (HEDDA)

FLEXIBLE CASTING If the gossip columnist is played by a boy, the character is BENJAMIN CRISLER, rather than HEDDA HOPPER.

COSTUMES Costumes for all characters may be everyday clothes. Costumes for the play–within-a-play should be simple and worn over the everyday clothes since the actors have little time to change. LON requires an easy-to-don clown suit and an easy-to-don bunny costume. If these are not available, two different but equally silly and inappropriate costumes can be substituted and lines in reference to them altered accordingly.

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SOUND EFFECTS Many variations of thunder, wind and rain at increasing intensities; fabric ripping; glass shattering

OFFSTAGE ACTING NOTE In Scene Three when the actors are performing their parts for the play-within-a-play from offstage, it may be useful to have them on microphones so that their voices do not seem to be coming from the wings, which could ruin the illusion of them being “onstage” on the other side of the backdrops. If microphones are not an option, the set should be built so that it there is enough room behind the backdrops for the actors to stand to deliver their play-within-a-play lines.

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