PAGE 1 DuPage County Juvenile Detention Center 420 N. County Farm Road Wheaton, IL 60187 630.407.2500 April 2003 ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS This is the first edition workbook for a gender responsive group especially created for girls in detention by Juvenile Detention Officer Sharon Goddard. The credit for this book starts with the Gender Responsive Committee of DuPage County Probation & Court Services Department which began three years ago to address the ladies we service. National speaker, Paula Schaeffer gave us direction. This committee led the way for the development of gender specific programming for girls in detention with a girls group. A pilot girl’s group was created and run by probation officer Tracy P and detention officer Sharon G in the detention center. This workbook was adapted and created from this group, and with help from detention and probation staff. Thanks to Stacy C, Kathy S, Sarah S, and Tracy P for feedback, input, editing and support; Lora B for enthusiastic editing, formatting, graphic selections and layout; to the brave, talented ladies of J Pod for the input, gifts of the heart poetry, and inspiration – Michele B, Michele B2 , Jennifer A, Nicole F, Jeanette C, Melissa C, Estella R, Holly B, Laura G, Jasmine C, Jessica P and Margarita D.
Topic ideas for this program was adapted from several sources, and changed to fit the needs of our ladies.
1) Girls Circle: Promoting Resiliency and Self Esteem in Adolescent Girls. Tides/girls’ Circle Association, 327 golden Gate Ave., Pt. Richmond, CA. Copyright 1997. 2) ABC Curriculum created by Jan Johncox and Barb Bauer. 3) Dynamics of Relations – 7th Edition, by Patricia Kramer, 1988 Equal Partners. 4) Boundaries – Where You End & I Begin, by Anne Katherine, 1991 Hazelden. 5) www.msa.edu/~hought20/phenomenal.html/. Maya Angelou, “Phenomenal Woman”, 5-27-04 6) www.lenon.com/satir.htm. Virginia Satir, “I Am Me” and “Declaration of Self-Esteem”, 5-27-04. 7) Keenan, Shelia, Scholastic Encyclopedia of Women in U.S. NY: Scholastic, 2002 8) Quotable Women, Philadelphia, Pa.: Running Press, 1991. 9) Dee, Catherine, Girl’s Book of Wisdom. NY: Little, Brown, Co., 1999.
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T rue Life of a Child
M y heart is like A fragile child W aiting in the cold A sking herself, “H ow A m I staying so very strong and bold?”
Everyday she w onders W hy nobody stayed around B ut she know s for sure T hey w ould have been proud
S ooner or later she’ll Com e to see that S he is special in every w hich w ay.
M ichele B .
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PAGE 4 THE QUESTIONS OF LIFE CONTENTS
What’s This All About? 7
Why Do I Do What I Do? 9
Who Am I? 12
How Would I Defend Myself? 17
What’s Out There? 19
Who’s That Girl? 24
What Am I Made of.. Sugar & Spice? 38
What Do I Believe In? 47
What Pushes My Button? 54
Where Do I Come From? 60
Who Do I Hang With? 71
What’s Love Gotta Do With It? 75
Where Am I Going? 83
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PAGE 6
What‘s This?
This is a book for you, about you, and in some ways, by you. This book is dedicated to all the young ladies who have passed through the doors of this center and to all the ones yet to come.
Girls are different from boys. Well, duh?! However, the justice system hasn‘t always acted on this fact. Many programs and services are geared to those who started in the system years ago-males. Right now, female populations in locked facilities are increasing. These populations have distinct needs. You have distinct needs. There aren‘t many places that attempt to address those needs, but we will here.
What do you need? Research states that girls have specific needs to prevent them from re-offending and staying in the system. Those needs are:
1. Learn about healthy relationships 2. Increase self-esteem 3. Increase pro-social skills/values 4. Learn healthy boundaries 5. Learn about healthy, positive family environments 6. Learn about positive sexual development 7. Increase positive minority and gender identity
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Included in this book are facts and information to start you thinking about the world and your behavoirs. There are exercises to help you sort out your thoughts and plans. Quotes from famous women are scattered throughout to illustrate points. Also there are biographies of famous women to inspire you to build on your strengths and make changes. One last feature is poetry written by you - girls in detention. These are the most crucial element in some ways as it is girls like you, girls who sometimes have lived through your pain and see the world through your eyes. These will possibly be the most influential in your making changes. Feel free to write poems in this book as well. You can share them with the group or for later groups to help them out. Pass on the wisdom.
As relationships are central to your development of yourself as a female, the entire book is organized around relationships. We will focus on your relationship with yourself, with friends, with dating, and with family. This curriculum is separated into parts by answering some crucial questions, —Who are you?“ —What do you believe in?“ "Where do you come from?“
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WHY DO I DO WHAT I DO?
Relationships are key components in your lives as women. Research indicates that the central aspect of women‘s functioning in the world is the depth of relationships she has with those around her, the human connections.
*How important are relationships to you in your day to day life?
*What are the important relationships in your life?
The definition of relationship is —the connection, state of affairs existing among people related to or dealing with one another.“
There are different types and levels of relationships.
*Name the different types of relationships you can think of.
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Relationships vary depending on who you have a relationship with, how deep the relationship is, how much interaction you have with the person. The basis for all relationships is the relationship we have with ourselves. The most important person we can have a relationship with is ourselves. As the Restorative Justice model discusses, this relationship plays a large part in our behaviors. If we don‘t know who we are or like who we are then it makes it difficult to connect socially with another. Part of this program will work on assisting you to get a clear idea of who you are, what you believe in, and building on your strengths to reduce the risk of you being unsuccessful.
• What kind of relationship do you have with yourself? Are you happy with yourself? How do you show it?
The Restorative Justice model also identifies several other people we can have relationships with under the general listing of community. This can be further divided into family, friends, co-workers, neighbors, teachers, significant others, spiritual being, and society. Parts of this program will focus on identifying who you have relationships with, assessing how helpful these relationships are to you and your success, developing the skills to determine healthy relationships and boundaries, and how your interactions with others can play a part in your success.
• What are some of the relationships you have in your life?
• What are some relationships you would like to have in your life?
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“With the new day comes new strength and new thoughts.” Eleanor Roosevelt
Throughout this program we will be asking you to look at things in different ways. We will look at how you can change the way you relate with yourself and others. If what you discover isn’t what you’d like it to be, we will give you ideas on changing it. But only you can change. The first step with any change is dissatisfaction. You must be unhappy, uncomfortable or bored with things the way they are in order for you to want to change them.
Change can be very scary. We become comfortable with the way our lives are. Even if our lives are not all that attractive looking to others, we feel a sense of comfort in “knowing” what to expect. This is not always healthy and seldom productive. Without change we would never grow up, the world would stand still, and we would all be living in caves. Change is very natural and on going. It is all around us. This program was created to assist you in that sometimes-painful process. We will give you the information and tools you need to recognize that a change may be beneficial, inspire you with famous strong women who have made some significant changes, and help start you on your own change journey. Come along with us.
Women who rock
Anna Eleanor Roosevelt was born into an affluent and political family in 1884. She wed her fifth cousin, Franklin Delano Roosevelt in 1905. She became the First Lady of the United States when Franklin D. Roosevelt took the office of President. As he held this office for four successive terms, she was the longest running First Lady in U.S. histroy-16 years. Both before and after her marriage she was an advocate of social reform. She focused on the poor and disadvantaged. As her husband had limited ability to move around due to polio, she became very visible. She performed her tasks as First Lady as well as representing him at many
PAGE 11 functions. She held press conferences and was the first to do so. She wrote a weekly newspaper column and gave lectures. After her husband’s death in 1945, she retired for a short time. However, she returned to public life. President Harry S. Truman made her a delegate to the United Nations. She was then named the chair of the UN’s Commission on Human Rights. In 1961, she was named the chair of President John F. Kennedy’s Commission on the Status of Women. She died at the age of 78 in 1962.
WHO AM I?
“You must love and care for yourself, because that’s when the best comes out”. Tina Turner
There is a saying that goes, “to know me is to love me.” This is a very true statement. Therefore how can we love ourselves if we are not sure who we are? And how can we expect to love someone else if we cannot truly see ourselves as worthy of love. With this in mind, we will begin a maze of self-discovery.
Answer the question- Who am I? 20 times. Each time you need to have a different, but true answer. Example: you can’t say a girl and then a female and have it count as two of your 20. Also, make sure the words you do use describe you.
*Who am I? *Who am I? *Who am I? *Who am I? *Who am I? *Who am I? *Who am I? *Who am I? *Who am I? *Who am I? *Who am I? *Who am I?
PAGE 12 *Who am I? *Who am I? *Who am I? *Who am I? *Who am I? *Who am I? *Who am I? *Who am I? *Who am I?
Make a list of words that describe you and your traits. You can use the following list as a start. adaptable closed fair-minded lovable greedy provocative angry laid-back compassionate ambitious confused perfectionist charming generous grouchy manipulative anxious popular crazy mild-mannered aggressive maternal phony good-humored abrasive considerate moody guilt-ridden arrogant hostile promiscuous materialistic contented patient articulate dependable helpless mature assertive over-bearing direct helpful mean relaxed athletic distant happy-go-lucky non-judgmental reliable playful Insightful healthy beautiful emotional rebellious sarcastic controlled fearful brave passive courageous feminine intellectual intimidating competitive friendly stubborn self-centered altruistic proud kind polite compulsive quiet dependable talkative
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Healthy boundaries help define who we are. They can help us to have a better sense of our separateness from others. They tell us where we end and where others begin. Knowing this helps us to maintain a sense of what is real. We will know what we feel, think, believe and want. This means we can establish healthy relationships with others requiring respect. These boundaries can be physical, emotional, sexual, or relational. The way to create and enforce strong, healthy boundaries in knowing yourself; who you are, what you believe in, what you feel comfortable with. Healthy boundaries are flexible enough so that we can choose what to let in and what to keep out. This means we decide, not others, what we want as part of ourselves and what or who we want to touch us. Healthy boundaries start with you.
To help you picture your boundaries answer the following questions: 1. What do you care about?
2. What do you believe?
3. What do you hate?
4. What do you love?
5. What is attractive to you?
6. What repels you?
7. What are your desires?
8. What do you think about?
9. What are your beliefs?
10.What are your talents?
PAGE 14 In the circle below, use words or pictures to describe you. Everything you put in the circle represents the inside you. Everything you place outside the circle represents the external you. Use the questions on the previous page to guide your word choices.
It is hard sometimes to really look at ourselves. This is usually because it is not an entirely perfect picture. However, there are strengths we all have and can build on. When we build from a firm foundation, the “structure” that we construct will be stronger and healthier. That is where affirmations come in. “Love yourself first and everything else falls into line.” Lucille B all
PAGE 15
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Self-affirmations work best when they are repeated aloud and often. We have been taught to be “humble” and not brag about ourselves. This is now taken to such an extreme that we are out of practice of actually giving ourselves accurate compliments. Would you not compliment someone who did something well? Of course, you would. Why not do the same for yourself? You are worth it. It just may seem a bit awkward at first but just like riding a bike without training wheels, it just takes a lot of practice. Now is the time to start that practice. Write out 10 affirmations for yourself. Some examples follow below: 1. I am happy, wise, healthy and free. 2. I am loving.
1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10.
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“If you want the truth, I’ll tell you the truth: Listen to the secret sound, the real sound, which is inside of you.” Kabir
How would I define Myself?
Below is a list of incomplete sentences that will begin to help you know yourself and therefore connect with yourself. Finish each.
1. If I could have one wish, it would be…
2. I am the happiest when I …
3. I feel the saddest when …
4. The best thing about me is…
5. The worst thing about me is…
6. I hate…
7. I wonder about…
8. My body is…
9. My face is…
10. I feel uncomfortable when…
PAGE 17 11. I am afraid to…
12. I love…
13. I see myself as…
14. I often think about…
15. People are…
16. I need help on…
17. I have the power to…
18. I wish people would…
19. I value…
20. I believe…
21. Girls…
22. Boys…
23. People think I am…
24. I appreciate…
PAGE 18 What’s “Out There”?
What does it mean to “connect with yourself”?
Some connect with themselves through spirituality. What is “spirituality to you?
Spirituality is defined as, “ of the soul; of the will, life and thought; of the pervading animated principle”. Basically, it means having to do with finding a reason for life and the way of the world. For some, that is belief in a higher power such as God. For others, it means something else.
What is your spiritual belief?
What runs the world? Who or what is “in charge”?
What other ways do you hear of others trying to connect with themselves?
How do you connect with yourself?
PAGE 19
Women who rock
M aya Angelou is treasured for her eloquence and elegance and her bold self-acceptance and openhearted love of others. She looks exactly as one m ight im agine an African queen to look: tall, stately, head high, erect posture, eyes w ide, and a sense of confidence exuding from her. She is a beloved w riter, actress, poet, and director of w orks for the stage and screen, singer, dancer, and professor. H er first book, I Know W hy the Caged Bird sings, is a chronicle of her painful childhood. In later w orks covering her adult years and in her poetry she seeks to shed light on the hum an experience. She has an abundance of gifts, w hich she shares generously. Born in St. Louis, she now m akes her hom e in W inston-Salem , N C. She says, “don’t m ake m oney your goal. Instead, pursue the things you love doing, and do them so w ell that people can’t take their eyes off you. All other tangible rew ards w ill com e as a result.” She clearly is a w om an w ho not only is solidly connected w ith herself but w ho also strives to help others to connect w ith them selves.
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Phenomenal Woman M ay a A ng elou Pretty w omen w ond er w here my secret lies. I ’m not cu te or b u ilt to su it a fashion mod el’s size. B u t w hen I start to tell them, I say , I t’s in the sp an of my hip s, T he strid e of my step , T he cu rl of my lip s. I ’m a w oman Phenomenally . Phenomenal w oman T hat’s me. I w alk into a room J u st as cool as y ou p lease, A nd to a man, T he fellow s stand or F all d ow n on their k nees. T hen they sw arm arou nd me, A hiv e of honey b ees. I say , I t’s the fire in my ey es A nd the flash of my teeth, T he sw ing in my w aist, A nd the joy in my feet. I ’m a w oman Phenomenally . Phenomenal w oman T hat’s me.
M en themselv es hav e w ond ered What they see in me. T hey try so mu ch
PAGE 21 B u t they can’t tou ch M y inner my stery . When I try to show them T hey say they still can’t see. I say , I t’s in the arch of my b ack , T he su n of my smile, T he rid e of my b reasts, T he g race of my sty le. I ’m a w oman
Phenomenally . Phenomenal w oman, T hat’s me.
N ow y ou u nd erstand J u st w hy my head ’s not b ow ed . I d on’t shou t or ju mp ab ou t O r hav e to talk real lou d . When y ou see me p assing I t ou g ht to mak e y ou p rou d . I say , I t’s in the click of my heels, T he p alm of my hand , T he need of my care, ‘C au se I ’m a w oman Phenomenally . Phenomenal w oman, T hat’s me.
PAGE 22
TO BE FU LLY M E Virginia Satir
I need to rem em ber I am m e And in all the w orld There’s no one like m e. I give m yself perm ission to D iscover m e and use m e Lovingly. I look at m yself and see A beautiful instrum ent In w hich that can happen. I love m e. I appreciate m e. I value m e.
W hat does it m ean to be “you”?
The poet Virginia Satir and the poet M aya Angelou both speak of loving yourself in all entirety. That you are unique and no one is just like you. D o you agree?
W hy do you think girls try so hard to be like others then?
PAGE 23
Who’s That Girl?
“The externals are simply so many props; everything we need is within us”. Etty Hillesum
Women who rock Amalalrauf al-Sharki, born in North Yemen in 1958, was always interested in the media. She became a broadcaster at 12 years of age. With being a citizen of an Arabic country where rules for women were and are very restrictive, she was afraid to have her own show. She believed her father would be angry at having his daughter publicly speaking, which was unheard of at that time and still is seldom heard of today. She did have her own show but she changed her broadcast name so no one, especially her father, would know her real identity. Her mother did know but kept her secret. She even wore a veil, as was custom for females, to hide her face from her co-workers. Eventually her identity did come out. Dad was upset but accepted it. Her programs centered around family topics but had the twist to them that both men and women were responsible for the family-equally. She was very involved in the women’s movement while still a teenager. She founded a school to teach Yemen girls and women to read and write. This was not an opportunity that was allowed females in schools in Yemen at this time. Over 70 % of women were illiterate. She marched in a military parade. Again, this was shocking because women were not allowed anywhere near the military. She graduated from high school and attended the University of Cairo in Egypt. She graduated in 1975. When she returned from college, she wore no veil. This was shocking. This was one of her biggest conflicts. The practice of covering female’s faces was a tradition, and in some Arabic countries a law, that still stands today. She began the unveiling process that is slowly occurring in some Middle Eastern countries.
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“Declaration of Self-Esteem” By Virginia Satir
“I am me. In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. There are persons who have some parts like me, but no one adds up exactly like me. Therefore, everything that comes out of me is authentically mine, because I alone choose it. I own everything about me-my body, including everything it does; my mind, including all my thoughts and ideas; my eyes, including the images of all they behold; my feelings, whatever they might be-anger, joy, frustration, love, disappointment, excitement; my mouth, and all the words that come out of it, polite, sweet or rough, correct or incorrect; my voice, loud or soft; and all my actions, whether they be to others or myself. I own my own fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. I own all my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes. Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me. By so doing, I can love me and be friendly with me in all my parts. I can then make it possible for all of me to work in my best interest. I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know. But as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for the solutions to the puzzles and for ways to find out more about me. However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is me. This is authentic and represents where I am at that moment in time. When I review later how I looked and sounded, what I said and did, and how I thought and felt, some parts may turn out to be unfitting. I can discard that which is unfitting, and keep that which proved fitting, and invent something new for that which I discarded. I can see, hear, feel, think, say and do. I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me. I own me, and therefore I can engineer me. I am me and I am okay.” (From the book Self-Esteem by Virginia Satir, 1975)
PAGE 25
Part of being who you are evolves from your being a female. Our identity is greatly influenced by our gender.
1. What does being a girl mean to you?
2. What are your core beliefs; what do you believe?
3. Where did you get these beliefs; do you think your beliefs/values are influenced by your being female?
4. How do these beliefs affect your behavior?
5. List 10 words that describe what it means to be a girl to you. 1. 6. 2. 7. 3. 8. 4. 9. 5. 10.
6. What is your favorite thing about being a girl?
7. What do you see girls around you valuing the most?
PAGE 26
8. Do you agree with these values? Why?
9. What are some negative things you have experienced, if any, about being a girl?
10. Can these be changed? How? Is there anything you can do? What?
11. What are you most proud about in being a girl?
12. How do you think people “see” girls, their perception of what being a girl is?
13. Now imagine that if you wanted you could be a boy. What do you think it would be like to be a boy?
14. How do you think others “see” boys, their perception of what being a boy means?
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15. Mark all the following terms with an F if you think they describe a female, an M if they describe a male, or an N if they describe neither or both.
___graceful ___breadwinner ___strong ___helpless ___moral ___confident ___gossipy ___uninhibited ___compassionate ___competitive ___dominating ___practical ___seductive ___expressive ___individual ___active ___brave ___religious ___non-athletic ___sexual ___crude ___assertive ___child-centered ___nervous ___insecure ___impractical ___responsive ___sensitive ___logical ___proud ___aggressive ___understanding ___free ___honest ___cruel ___manipulative ___mature ___romantic ___modest ___talkative ___emotional ___materialistic ___adaptable ___faithful ___intelligent ___sensuous ___sexy ___gentle ___loud ___playful ___tough ___insensitive ___loud ___scared ___warm ___loving ___cute ___fearful ___communicative ___smart
16. What are some of the traits that you had difficulty deciding how to mark?
17. Why did you have a hard time deciding on them?
18. How do you think what you marked may affect your beliefs about being a girl?
PAGE 28
19. What are some of the “common thoughts”, irrational self-talk, and/or beliefs some girls have about themselves as girls? 1.
2.
3.
20. Re-write these common irrational beliefs about being a girl making each more healthy and rational. 1.
2.
3.
21. An important part of “being a girl” is how the world we live treats us. How do you think the world treats you as a female?
PAGE 29
Us Girls
S ure we are girls S o sensitive and meek W e are changing our styles B y the end of every week B ut how do they think For just one minute, they can push us around W e have feelings too. N ot only if we gain or lose pound Y eah boys are “stronger” And can fight the dark B ut who do we hear mostly about Getting beat up in the park? S o many things I could have said S o many words I could have used B ut no matter what I say ‘B out now powerful we are
Just the word ”woman” is S o very badly abused.
M ichele B ., 15
PAGE 30
WOMEN WHO ROCK
Gloria Steinem was born in 1934. She is quoted as saying. “if the shoe doesn’t fit, must we change the foot?” This has been the guiding theme in her life as an activist and change agent. She has worked at building a world that does fit the needs of its people. She began her career as a writer and journalist after college. She so- founder New York magazine in 1968. She has always been very active in a wide variety of social causes. She became a feminist leader in the late ‘60’s and co-founder MS. Magazine in 1971. She remains a contributing editor. She helped found the MS. Foundation for Women which raises funds to assist under-privileged girls and women. She is a member of the Coalition of Labor Union Women and has several best selling books. She has inspired women to fights for their rights, to take risks, and to defend the rights of others.
Emme is a supermodel, but no ordinary supermodel. She is the first full-figured model to have ever been offered a cosmetic contract. She was also first full-figured model to be displayed on a billboard in Times Square. She as written several books, one titled, “True Beauty.” This book, as does Emme, advocates for women of all ages to be fit and healthy. This message is aimed at increasing awareness and raising money to help research with body image disorders. She was the first model to speak to these issues before a congressional subcommittee. She says, “in a society that is based upon the attainment of unrealistic beauty, we need women to know that their self- esteem is not contingent on their dress size”. She is the Chair Ambassador for the National Eating Disorders Association.
PAGE 31
What I’d Want You to Know
What I have gone through No one would believe-not even you. How many times I have been hurt How many times I have been dragged through the dirt. At a young age I learned That respect is not given, not earned. Crying never helps when something’s wrong, Always have to be strong My house, where beatings happened every night. Sometimes I tried to put up a fight. When the only words you hear are “loser and whore” When you can’t escape, even from the front door. When your head gets beat in the ground for the thousandth time You decide to commit a petty crime Over the years, you learn that running away And never coming back is the only way. Then all the drugs Give me empty hugs And all my friends Make it seem like the nightmare will finally end.
Jennifer A., 17
How do you feel about the poem?
What would you like the world to know about you?
“Beauty to me is being comfortable in your own skin”. Gwnyth Paltrow
PAGE 32 What Am I Made Of ...... Sugar & Spice?
Another thing that influences our view of ourselves, especially as females, is the way we view our outside self.
What defines or makes up your outside self??
Where do you get these “definitions”?
What do you think of when you hear the word “fat”? 1. 2. 3.
What do you think of when you hear the word “thin”? 1. 2. 3.
What are the differences between the two categories of responses?
Which list “looks or sounds” better? Why?
Where did you get the ideas for these words in each category?
PAGE 33 What does the term “fact” mean?
What does the term “perception” mean?
Look at the picture below. What do you see?
Look at it again. Do you see anything else it may be?
Which view is more accurate?
Which view do you put more belief into?
PAGE 34 Here are some statistics, facts, for you:
♦ Over one person’s lifetime, at least 50,000 individuals will die as a direct result of their eating disorder. ♦ 81% of 10 year old girls have dieted and 7-18 year olds are the #1 users of diet pills. ♦ The average American woman is 5’4” tall and weighs 117 pounds. ♦ Today’s fashion models weigh 23% less than the average female, and a young woman between the ages of 18-34 has a 7% chance of being as slim as a catwalk model and a 1% chance of being as thin as a supermodel. ♦ 80% of women are dissatisfied with their appearance. ♦ 35% of “normal dieters” progress to pathological dieting. Of those, 25% will progress to partial or full syndrome eating disorders. ♦ Americans spend over $40 billion on dieting and diet related products each year. ♦ The average female sees 400 to 600 advertisements per day, and by the time, she is 17 years old, she has received over 250,000 commercial messages through the media. One study of Saturday morning toy commercials found that 50% of commercials aimed at girls spoke about the physical attractiveness, while none of the commercials aimed at boys referred to appearance. ♦ Approximately 7-million girls/women struggle with eating disorders, and 1 million boys/men struggle with eating disorders. ♦ Models are thinner than 98% of American women. ♦ 42% of elementary school kids, 1st-3rd grade wants to be thinner. ♦ 80% of kids 10 years old are afraid of being fat. ♦ 25% men and 45% women are on a diet at any given time. ♦ 1000 people die from eating disorders every year. ♦ Current ideal for women is only possible for 10% of population due to genetics. ♦ If store mannequins were real they would have 10% body fat. To have normal menstrual cycles you would need 17-22% body fat.
What do you describe as “beautiful”? Be specific.
Looking back at your “fat means” and “thin means”, what responses did you list that were facts and what ones were opinions or perceptions?
PAGE 35
*Divide the large circle below into 3 parts-self, peers, and family. The size of each section will be equal to the amount and /or impact each of these sources have on the messages you have received about your appearance and/or the appearance that is “ok” to have.
Where do you get messages about how you are “supposed “ to look as a teenage girl?
What are the messages about how you are “supposed” to look?
PAGE 36 How do you feel about the messages you receive? Where do you get the strongest message from?
Are you able to “measure “ up to the “ideal” image of a girl?
How do you feel if you don’t measure up?
What messages do you hear from your “inner voice” or self- talk regarding your body image?
Is there pressure on you to “look “ a certain way? What way?
Where does this pressure come from?
What kind of things do girls do in order to “measure” up to the image of what a girl is “supposed” to look like?
How do you see yourself? How do you demonstrate this in your actions?
PAGE 37
WOMEN WHO ROCK
Nancy Gruver is the founder and publisher of New Moon magazine. This is a publication geared at girls and boys ages 8-14 and challenges the current media’s theme of “beauty”. The New Moon Girl’s Editorial Board consists of girls in this age range. They recently took on People magazine’s 50 Most Beautiful People edition. They countered this issue with “We’ll Show You Beauty Day” which was a celebration of media images that promote healthy behavior for girls and boys. It consisted of a collage of over 800 drawings and photos sent in by readers all over the world. Each one included a brief explanation of why the person shown was beautiful. To further challenge the media’s expression of beauty the May/June issue of New Moon features 25 “beautiful girls” dropping the term “most” to allow a more inclusive definition of beauty that emphasizes good works, hearts and activism.
Wh a t m essa g e d o es N ew M o o n m a g a zin e pro m o te fo r fem a les?
D o yo u see th is in o th er m a g a zin es? Wh ich ?
Wh a t m essa g e d o es m o st m a g a zin es pro m o te?
Wh a t ca n yo u d o to pro m o te a m o re h ea lth y im a g e o f b ea u ty?
PAGE 38 Wh a t d o yo u d o th a t sh o w s th a t yo u a re “O K ” w ith yo u r b o d y?
Wh a t a re 3 th in g s th a t yo u lik e a b o u t yo u r b o d y?
Wh a t a re 3 th in g s th a t yo u w o u ld lik e to ch a n g e a b o u t yo u r b o d y?
Women who rock
C h ristin a K elly is th e 3 9 yea r o ld ed ito r-in -ch ief o f YM m a g a zin e. Sh e h a s m a d e a m ed ia sh a k in g d ecisio n to b a n a ll d iet sto ries a n d to fea tu re la rg e size m o d els in YM . T h is h a s n o t b een m et w ith w id esprea d a ppro va l fro m th e in d u stry. O n e YM ph o to g ra ph er refu sed to sh o o t a n yo n e w h o w a s n o t a size 4 o r 6 . K elly d o esn ’t w o rk w ith th a t ph o to g ra ph er a n ym o re. K elly h a s sta ted th a t sh e w a n ts th e m o d els to reflect th e rea d ers. A d vertisers h a ve b een su ppo rtive b eca u se resea rch sh o w s th a t th e a vera g e w o m a n is n o t a size 4 o r 6 . So h a vin g a m a g a zin e d epictin g th e rea l w o m a n ca n o n ly in crea se th eir m a rk et.
PAGE 39 “D o n o t co m pa re yo u rself, fo r a lw a ys th ere w ill b e th o se g rea ter a n d lesser th a n yo u rself”. D esid era ta
JUST BECAUSE….
—Just because I am a girl Doesn‘t mean I am into shopping Doesn‘t mean I am in love with a mirror Doesn‘t mean I am weak It means I am my own unique self.“
Many times in our journey of self-discovery, we find that people like to block our way with stereotypes and labels. They —expect“ certain things from us —just because“. Now that you have explored the question of who you are, now you can tell all —who you aren‘t“. The format for the —Just Because“ poem is as follows:
Just because I am______Doesn‘t mean I______Doesn‘t mean I ______Doesn‘t mean I______It just means I______
The first line defines the —label“ under which you feel you fall. The next 3 lines disprove things that others —expect“ of you because of that label. The last line is your turn to tell them what that label does mean. Following are a few examples written by girls like yourself.
PAGE 40 —Just because I gangbang Doesn‘t mean I don‘t respect others Doesn‘t mean I judge others Doesn‘t mean I don‘t have a life It just means that I‘m a person who watched others do negativity and choose to follow and picked up a bad habit.“ Jasmine
—Just because I have tattoo‘s and piercings Doesn‘t mean I am gay Doesn‘t mean I am a freak Doesn‘t mean I am stupid It just means that I wanted to explore and decorate my body.“ Jasmine
—Just because I am a drug user Doesn‘t mean I am heartless Doesn‘t; mean I am hardheaded Doesn‘t mean I am immature It just means that I am human.“ Jeannette
—Just because I am 14 Doesn‘t mean I am ignorant Doesn‘t mean I am a little child Doesn‘t mean I am just another teen It just means I was born a few years after you.“ Holly
N ow w rite your ow n “Just Because” poem . You can w rite as m any as you like. Be sure to use the form at show n above.
PAGE 41
W H AT D O I BELIEVE IN ?
Values are ideas or/and beliefs that you hold as im portant to you. M orals are the code of rules you use to m ake your decisions. M orals often are influenced by your values.
W hat are your top three values? 1. 2. 3.
D o your daily actions reflect these values? H ow ? G ive an exam ple.
D o you have any values that are in conflict w ith each other in how you live your life? (I.e. You value honesty but have lied to your parents in the past)
PAGE 42
W hich values are in conflict? D escribe how they conflict and the effect it has on your life.
W hy do you think you choose to live a lifestyle that conflicts w ith your values?
Is your being locked up here in conflict w ith som e of your values? W hich ones? Explain.
W hat is one value you display that you are proud of?
PAGE 43 Listed below are som e com m on thoughts. Read each and decide if you agree w ith these beliefs.
Com m on thoughts agree disagree 1. I m ust be loved & approved of by every im portant person in m y life. If not, then it is aw ful. 2. W hen others behave badly or un-fairly they should be blam ed, yelled at and punished-they are bad people 3. It is aw ful w hen things are not the w ay I’d like them to be 4. M y past is the cause of m y current problem s; these past events are so pow erful they w ill affect m e forever 5. I need to be the best and a w inner at all tim es or at least m ost of it. 6. There has to be a perfect solution to all problem s. I m ust be absolutely certain about all m y decisions & be in control all the tim e. 7. The w orld should be absolutely just and fair. 8. I should be com fortable and w ithout pain at all tim es. 9. It’s easier to avoid life’s difficulties than to face them . 10. Problem s com e from pressure from others or life events that I have little or no control over.
N ow re-w rite the com m on beliefs that you agreed w ith, m aking them m ore rational.
PAGE 44 Below is a Value Inventory. A big part of how we relate with ourselves and others is our value system, what we believe. If you disagree strongly with someone’s values then it becomes difficult to have a harmonious relationship with them. So fill out the inventory and we will be referring to it throughout this program. Circle the corresponding number to indicate the importance you place on that value.
Values Identification W orksheet Very Very Im portant U nim portant Achievem ent 1 2 3 4 Reaching a goal or finishing something that may or may not have been difficult. Affection 1 2 3 4 Being able to show others you care about them. Balance 1 2 3 4 Being able to focus on or divide up different parts of life without sacrificing friends or family due to dating, etc. Belonging 1 2 3 4 Being a part of some group like family. Challenge 1 2 3 4 Trying new and different things. Com petition/Skill 1 2 3 4 Being good at something important . Creativity 1 2 3 4 Looks for new, unique ways to do things. Education 1 2 3 4 Wants to learn new things. Fun 1 2 3 4 Enjoys life. H onesty 1 2 3 4 Being truthful.
PAGE 45 Independence 1 2 3 4 Being able to make your own choices. Intim acy 1 2 3 4 Wants meaningful, real relationships not just sex. Leadership 1 2 3 4 Directs others, wants to have influence. Pleasure 1 2 3 4 Wants to have fun and enjoy life. Personal Pow er 1 2 3 4 Wants to be in control of self. Purpose 1 2 3 4 Looks for meaning in life. Recognition 1 2 3 4 Wants to be well known or have influence, likes credit or praise. Self-G row th 1 2 3 4 Finds ways to develop mind, body and spirit. Service 1 2 3 4 Contributes to make the world a better place, helps others. Spirituality 1 2 3 4 Feels a strong connection with God or higher power. Tradition 1 2 3 4 Maintains family, ethnic or cultural customs. U nderstanding 1 2 3 4 Tolerates differences, sensitive to other’s feelings, respectful to others who are different. Variety 1 2 3 4 Looks for options in life, and for frequent changes. W ellness 1 2 3 4 Maintains physical and emotional health.
PAGE 46
Review the values and identify the 5 m ost im portant to you. 1 ______2 ______3 ______4 ______5 ______
“It is not in the stars to hold our destiny, but in ourselves.” William Shakespeare
Write out the responses to these:
*One thing I would like to change is______.
*Someone in my life wants me to change______
*Make note of any changes you notice yourself have made and celebrate those changes. It took a lot of strength and courage to make them.
“The day came when the risk it took to remain tight in a bud became more painful than the risk it took to blossom. Anais Nin
PAGE 47
Women who rock
Coretta Scott King is the widow of civil rights leader Dr. Martin Luther King. She was born on a farm in Alabama in 1927. The family was not rich and as children, they had to work the farm and walk 5 miles to school. In order for the children to attend high school which was 9 miles away, Coretta’s mother had to hire a bus and she drove all the area black students to and from school. This was an unusual course of action for a black woman in the 30’s. Coretta attended Antioch College in Ohio as a music and education major. She took a variety of work-study options such as a camp counselor, library assistant, and nursery school attendant. She found that her race created a block for her when she began to teach as a part of her education courses. The local public schools in which the college students usually did their practice teaching would not allow a black student in. She protested to administration but they did nothing to assist. As she had been singing in a choir in the Second Baptist Church in Springfield, Ohio, she decided to become a professional singer instead of a teacher. While studying at the New Conservatory of Music in Boston, she met Martin Luther King Jr. who was also a student in Boston at the time. They married in 1953. She graduated in 1954 and they moved to Montgomery, Alabama where he began his work as a minister. All through their married life, they faced many dangers, as King was the leader of the Civil Rights Movement. Their house was bombed in 1956. She had to keep a close eye on all four of their kids from then on. She became a partner in her husband’s work. She traveled with him and gave speeches for him when he was unable. When he was assassinated in 1968. She continued his work instead of just retiring. Just 4 days after his death she marched with 50,000 people through the streets of Memphis and took his place on the Poor People’s March to Washington later that year. She raised funds and created the Martin Luther King, Jr. Center for Nonviolent Social Change in Atlanta, Georgia. She also worked to get his birthday honored as a national holiday. She continues to speak out against social injustice especially racial. She went beyond a supportive wife; she was a full partner in the search for justice.
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PAGE 50 Women who rock Condoleezza Rice is one of the most powerful women in the world. She is the first female and the first A frican-A merican national security advisor in the U .S. She is the top advisor to P resident G eorge W . B ush on foreign affairs and this g uide and counsel on world politics. T he power to focus has always b een her strong point. She sk ipped first and seventh grades and entered the U niversity of D enver at 1 5 . She graduated cum laude four years later with a degree in political science. She earned a M aster’s and P h.D . In addition, she b ecame a professor at Stanford U niversity in 1 9 8 1 . She has to interact with powerful leaders of the world. She must b e heard and respected. H er assertive communication is essential to her success at b eing as influential as she is. Sgdl nrsdeedbshudl `mmdqsndwoqdrrxntq`mfdqhrsncd`k chqdbs`mc`rrdqshudkx- @ rrdqshudl d`mrsnbnl l tmhb`sdxntqeddkhmfr+mddcr+ v `msrv ghkdbnmrhcdqhmfsgdeddkhmfr+mddcr`mcv `msrne sgdnsgdqodqrnm- V g`shrsgdcheedqdmbdadsv ddm`rrdqshudbnl l tmhb`shnm`mc `ffqdrrhudbnl l tmhb`shnm> G nv hr`rrdqshudbnl l tmhb`shnmcheedqdmseqnl `unhc`mbd>
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FEAR
PAGE 53 I am scared to die I am m ore afraid to live I am scared to let go I am even m ore afraid to m ove on. I am scared to be alone I am even m ore afraid to be w ith som eone else.
I am afraid to fail M ore afraid to succeed I am afraid to hate M ore afraid to love
It is hard to let go and m ove on It is hard to die and see the joys of life It is hard to fail w ithout ever succeeding It is hard to love w hen all I have ever know n is hate It is hard to be alone in the w orld w ith no one to depend on but you.
Jennifer A ., 18
W hat are you afraid of?
D o you agree w ith the poet that love and life is scary?
W hat about love and life is scary?
PAGE 54
“It’s n o t th e a m o u n t o f peo ple b u t th e a m o u n t o f lo ve th a t m a k es a fa m ily.” C a ssa n d ra W a lk er
WHERE DO I COME FROM?
Family is the first relationship we experience in our lives. Ask 100 people to define the word “family” and you’ll get 100 definitions. Everyone’s idea of family is different.
What do you think family means?
Who makes up your family?
What kind of relationship do you have with each one listed?
PAGE 55 The rockiest relationship for teenage girls with family members is usually the mother/daughter one.
What is your relationship with your mom?
If there is no mom in the family , is there a mother type figure like grandma? Answer these questions using her.
What are the things you enjoy about your mom?
What are things you can share or do with mom?
What are the things that bother you about mom?
What can you do to change these things, if anything?
What responsibility do you have for the issues you experience with mom? Remember to use responsibility statements “I am responsible for______.” No excuses or “buts”.
What would your ideal relationship look like with mom? Is this reality or fantasy? Is there a middle ground you can think of?
PAGE 56 Are there other people in your “family” that you connect with? Who?
What things or activities does your family do together?
What traditions does your family observe?
What would you like to see in the future for your family? What does your family look like from now?
Our families are our first and most influential relationship in our lives. They nurture, feel, protect, teach and discipline us. If these duties aren’t carried out effectively, we feel the effect later in our lives in our relationship with others and self. Explain how this can be shown.
PAGE 57
Can you “replace” some family type relationship that are healthy and fulfilling outside of your birth or blood family? Why or why not? How?
Our experiences with family shape who we are but they do not dictate what we have to be. They influence us but in the end we choose whether to follow in their footsteps (good or bad) or make our own. Which are you doing?
PAGE 58
My Mom Laura G., 14
I wish my life could change, I think to myself, how can this be? Someone has abandoned me,. I felt like my life was over. How can my mother do this to me? I feel like I could not trust her Why does she lie to me? I think of all my problems, I think of all my pain, I think of all my sorrows, Until she makes me cry. Then I realized that I need Her in my life because she Is the mom I never had? So no matter what, I will Always love her!
PAGE 59
FAMILY
An indescribable feeling hit me today I’m not exactly sure what to do or say How to act or what to feel I’m not even sure if this is real I faced my family with head held high I didn’t even shake or cry After all I have been through How could this possibly be true? After all I have done wrong How I have been away so long? Just when I thought I fell to the bottom of the pit. I started to climb right out of it. Just when I decided to give up everything I believed in I started to hold up my chin I don’t know what tomorrow will hold But I want to start a new life and get rid of the old Hoping I’ll reach this unknown goal And fine positive things to feed my soul All I know is what I’ve learned Success is not given, it’s earned I’ve learned no matter how hard it seems Keep on pushing and one day you’ll reach your dreams.
Jennifer A., 18
PAGE 60
MOM So alone and so scared I w ish you w ere here I’m striving and gasping for air. B ecause you w ere never there to care. Y ou let m e dow n w hen I needed you the m ost. Instead of being there, you left m e Stuck out in the cold. A w hole part of m e hates you B ut deep dow n inside I know I’ll alw ays love you Y ou are m y m other B ut you don’t act like one W as it because you w ere too young to be one? W hy don’t you love m e? W hat did I do? T o deserve this pain and conflict B etw een you and m e I know I should learn not to care B ut I have no choice but to be aw are O f the hurt and pain inside I can hide it w ell, I think B ut deep dow n inside I probably need a shrink T o let out m y pain and fear B ecause I feel, you’re never there A nd it’s skinning m e bare I don’t know w hat to do Should I cry and w eep O r should I just seep in to depression A nd have no recollection of w hat’s going on I feel like m y life has been nothing but w rong T ell m e if this is true Is there no hope betw een m e and you O r is it over T otally over
PAGE 61 If it is, let m e know I’ll go to the service A nd you’ll never have to see m y face again It’ll be like a rainstorm Y ou see m y pain now A nd then quick as lightening, I’m gone I hope you realize that once I leave I don’t think I can handle ever com ing back I hope you can bare that N ow do you share m y pain? O r is it laughter inside? N ow you think you have w on B ut no, I don’t think so B ut it is tim e for m e to go A nd I hope this has had an affect on you If not, I hope you realize it. I’m in pain and need you there.
N icole F., 18
Can you relate to the poet’s feelings about “moms”?
What do you need from your mom?
Do you get it? If not, have you asked her for it?
PAGE 62
Mother’s Day
It‘s sad to say, Sunday is Mother‘s day Excited people write away My tilted heart starts to sway.
In my heart I cry, Not yet ready to say good-bye, But not willing to really try, So in my head, I let out a sigh.
Watching others with a frown, Taking a good look around, While everyone else is up, I am down.
My mom slammed the door. Told me not to call anymore. I hurt her too many times, With my many hurtful crimes.
My voice she doesn‘t want to hear. My body she doesn‘t want near, Down my face slides a single tear.
I brought this upon myself, I put our sacred relationship on a shelf, I let it get all dusty, And when it started to get all musty.
I tried to wipe it clean, And acted surprised when she got real mean.
A person can only hold on so long,
PAGE 63 When the other person thinks they do no wrong.
Before they finally let you go, And their bitterness starts to show, That‘s when you finally know.
You messed up really bad, That‘s when you want back your mom and dad.
It doesn‘t matter how much you scream and cry, They already said good-bye.
Now all I can do is live in the present or dwell in the past. Pick myself up or let myself down. Think, —this is it“ or push myself to try. Put a genuine smile on my face or break down and cry. The choice is mine to make, And ultimate courage is all it will take. Jennifer A., 18 5/02
PAGE 64
The Importance of Family
The meaning of C hristmas-forg iveness I haven’t seen you r face in years. W hen I think ab ou t you , it alw ays b ring s tears. D u ring the holid ays I think ab ou t you even more H oping and w ishing you ’ll w alk in ou r front d oor. D ad d y I still love you w ith all my heart, Even thou g h you left the family rig ht from the start So many g ood times w ithou t you b eing there W ith the b ad times I w ond er if you ’d even care. D ad d y if I see you , I promise I w on’t mak e a fu ss. A t this time of year I’d w ish you a M erry C hristmas.
M elissa C ., 1 4
How are holidays handled in your family?
Is there any important members of your family missing at the holidays?
How does this affect the holiday?
PAGE 65
WHO DO I HANG WITH?
“There will always be people who will ride with you in the limousine, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo is broke down.” Oprah Winfrey
“We all need someone to love”. Jefferson Starship had the right idea when they wrote these lyrics. Who we chose to relate to, spend time with, be friends with, date, marry, or just talk to is entirely up to us. It is also a huge proportion of our lives. We spend the majority of our waking hours with people. And that is usually select people. That is people we decide to spend time with. If we spend that much of our life with someone, doesn’t it make sense to make sure that we are spending it with the right people and getting the most out of that time? When we hear the word “relationship” most automatically think of dating. However, we can and do have most
PAGE 66 relationships outside of dating. In fact, the majority of our relationships are non-dating.
*List the people you think you have relationships with.
*Who are your friends?
*What do you expect from your friends?
*Can they expect the same from you?
*Do you have friends that are girls? Why or why not?
*What is it about having girls as friends that you like or dislike?
*Do you believe girls can get along? If not, why do you think this is so?
PAGE 67 *What is the ultimate betrayal of friendship to you?
*What activities do you and your friends share?
*What values and beliefs do you and your friend share?
*Would you say that your friendships are healthy and helpful for you or unhealthy and unhelpful? Why?
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from “Friendship” Ralph Waldo Emerson @ eqhdm c hr` o dqrn m v hsg v g n l Hl ` x a drhm bdqd-A den qdg hl Hl ` x sg hm j ` kn t c -H` l ` qqhudc ` sk` rshm sg do qdrdm bdn e` l ` m rn qd` k` m c dp t ` ksg ` sHl ` x c qn o dudm sg nrd t m c dql n rsf ` ql dm srn ec hrrhl t k` shn m +bn t qsdrx +` m c rdbn m c sg n t f g s+v g hbg l dm m dudqo t s n ee+` m c l ` x c d` kv hsg g hl v hsg sg drhl o khbhsx ` m c v g n kdm drrv hsg v g hbg n m dbg dl hb` k ` sn l l ddsr` m nsg dq-R hm bdqhsxhrsg dkt w t qx` kkn v dc +khj dc h` c dl r` m c ` t sg n qhsx +n m kxsn sg dg hf g drsq` m j +sg ` sa dhm f o dql hssdc sn ro d` j sqt sg +` rg ` uhm f m n m d` a n udhssn bn t qsnq bn m en ql t m sn -D udqx l ` m ` kn m dhrrhm bdqd-@ ssg ddm sq` m bdn e` rdbn m c o dqrn m +g x o nbqhrx a df hm r-V do ` qqx ` m c ehm c sg d` o o qn ` bg n en t qedkkn v l ` m x a x bnl o khl dm sr+a x f n rrho +a x ` l t rdl dm s+a x ` ee` hqr-V dbnudqt o n t qsg n t f g seqn l g hl t m c dq` g t m c qdc en kc r" @ kl n rs dudqxl ` m v dl ddsqdp t hqdrrn l dbhuhkhsx +qdp t hqdrsn a dg t l n qdc #g dg ` rrn l de` l d+ rn l ds` kdm s+rn l dv g hl n eqdkhf hn m n qo g hk` m sg qn o x hm g hrg d` c sg ` shrm nssna dp t drshnm dc + ` m c v g hbg ro n hkr` kkbn m udqr` shn m v hsg g hl -A t s` eqhdm c f hudrl ddm sdqs` hm l dm sv hsg nt s qdp t hqhm f l dsn rsnn o +n qsn khro +n qsn l ` rj l x rdke-@ eqhdm c sg dqden qdhr` rn qsn eo ` q` c n w hm m ` st qd-Hv g n ` kn m d` l +Hv g n rddm n sg hm f hm m ` st qdv g nrddwhrsdm bdHb` m ` eehql v hsg dp t ` kduhc dm bdsn l x n v m +a dg n kc m n v sg drdl a k` m bdn el x a dhm f +hm ` kkhs$rg dhf g sr+ u` qhdsx +` m c bt qhn rhsx +qdhsdq` sdc hm ` en qdhf m en ql :rn sg ` s` eqhdm c l ` x v dkka dqdbj n m dc sg dl ` rsdqo hdbdn em ` st qd-
• What do you think about what Emerson said about friends?
• Do you agree with him? On what parts?
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WHAT’S LOVE GOTTA DO WITH IT?
What is love? Define it.
Healthy boundaries lead to healthy relationships. Once you have determined who you are you can now find out who you want to spend time with. Healthy boundaries are formed by a person who knows themselves and what they want for themselves out of life. When you apply this to relationships, you look for people who assist you in achieving your goals, who supports you and allows you to be you. A healthy relationship is based on mutual care and concern for each other‘s well being. Each individual in the relationship is a —whole“ individual, not the completion of the other as someone poets like to suppose. If you are not whole how can share with someone else. You end up taking instead. Incomplete individuals relationship Complete individuals relationship Both complete
Both needy
PAGE 70 ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Corinthians 13:4-7 ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
Someone Who Loves You Laura G., 14
Someone who can make you feel happy Someone who cares about you Someone who is always there for you Someone who has love for you Someone who is honest with you Someone who is responsible Someone who cares about your future Someone who is willing to go the extra mile for you Someone who can be sensitive to your needs and feelings Someone who is a friend Someone who can provide warmth when you are cold. Sometimes if we have a guy to love us like this, we would not have a problem. Just because we want a relationship with a guy does not mean we need one.
When love is mentioned do you automatically think of dating or sex?
Love is an essential component to any enduring deep relationship. There are various definitions of love. It is not easily defined. There are however, essential ingredients.
PAGE 71 The primary ingredient for any healthy love relationship is “self- love”. Referring back to the beginning of this program, how can we love someone if we don’t love ourselves and how we expect someone to love us if we don’t believe we are worthy of our own love? Just something to think about.
What do you think is essential for love to exist?
Loves many forms: 1. between friends (concerned for each other’s well being) 2. passionate love (romantic/infatuation, absorption with/desire for another, tenderness, elation, anxiety, sexual desire, thrives on excitement, typically happens early in relationship, you know less about each other, the more passionate the love, the more people overlook faults and avoid conflicts, usually short-lived, changes with familiarity with person) 3. compassionate love (less intense emotion than passionate, friendly affection, deep attachment based on familiarity with other, thoughtful appreciation of partner, on- going nurturing of partner, enduring)
The 3 most important ingredients for love are 1. Friendship 2. Devotion 3. Intellectual compatibility
PAGE 72 What does each term above mean to you? Friendship:
Devotion:
Intellectual compatibility:
Love also is shown in 3 ways. 1. Passion-romantic feelings, physical attraction, desire 2. Intimacy-encompasses sense of being bonded with someone, feelings of warmth, sharing and an emotional closeness. 3. Commitment- conscious decision to love another and to maintain relationship over time in spite of difficulties.
Define in your own words-what is necessary in a relationship for you?
What do you think describes a “positive” or healthy relationship?
Name one positive relationship in your life.
PAGE 73 What do you think describes a “negative or unhealthy relationship?
Name one negative relationship in your life.
What “ingredients’ are necessary for you in your relationships? What do you need from the other person, what has to be present for you to consider it a relationship?
Have you ever considered yourself in love?
Which ingredients were present?
How did the relationship end up? Why?
Some relationships are violent. Dating violence is any violent or abusive act within a dating relationship. ∑ 28% of students experience violence in dating relationships (more than 1 in 4). ∑ 67% women reporting rape were raped in dating situations.
PAGE 74 ∑ 31% of teens aged 13-17 report they or a friend have experienced dating violence. ∑ 20% of female homicide victims are aged 15-24. ∑ 1/3 of women murdered in the U.S. are killed by husbands or boyfriends. ∑ 90% of domestic violence victims are women, according to the U.S. Dept of Justice.
Dating violence falls into three kinds of abuse: verbal, physical, and sexual. What are some examples of verbal abuse in a dating relationship?
What are some examples of physical abuse in dating relationship?
What are some examples of sexual abuse in a dating relationship?
Have you ever experienced dating violence? Describe the incident.
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There are things you can do if you find yourself in a violent relationship in order to stay safe.
1. Take it seriously. Make it clear you won’t allow it and if you say you’ll leave then leave. 2. Plan for safety. Where can you go? Who can you turn to? 3. Learn self-defense. 4. Use the legal system. 5. Tell adults about the violence. 6. Call the hotline for advice. 7. Find a support group or counselor.
There are warning signs for an abusive relationship 1. When your friend and her boyfriend are together, he calls her names or puts her down in front of others. 2. He acts extremely jealous when she talks to other boys, even when it is completely innocent. 3. She apologizes for his behavior and makes excuses for him. 4. She frequently cancels plans at the last minute for reasons that sound untrue. 5. He is always checking up on her, calling or paging her and demanding to know where she has been and who she has been with. 6. You have seen him lose his temper maybe even break or hit things when he is mad. 7. She seems worried about upsetting him or making him angry. 8. She is giving up things that used to be important to her such as spending time with friends or other activities and is becoming more and more isolated. 9. Her weight, appearance, or grades have changed drastically. 10.She has injuries she cannot explain or explanations that she gives don’t make sense.
PAGE 76 What would you do if your friend was in a relationship like above?
Within a dating relationship you have rights. Remember that a truly healthy relationship is based on care and concern for the other’s well being without sacrificing yourself.
1. Right to refuse a date without feeling guilty 2. Right to ask for a date without being crushed if the answer is no. 3. Right to choose to go somewhere alone without having to pair up with someone. 4. Right not to act seductive or macho 5. Right to say no to physical closeness 6. Right to say I want to know you better before I become more involved or before we have sex. 7. Right to say I don’t want to be in this relationship any longer 8. Right to equal relationship[s 9. Right not to be abused physically 10. Right to change life goals whenever you want 11. Right to have friends, including those of the opposite sex. 12. Right to express feelings 13. Right to set limit, to say no or yes, to change your mind if you so choose. 14. Right to stop doing something, even in the middle of it. 15. Right to have my morals, values, and beliefs respected. 16. Right to say I love you without having sex. 17. Right to be YOU even if it is different from the norm or from what they want you to be. 18. Right to say I don’t want to please you at this time, or do that. 19. Right to talk with others about my relationships 20.Right to be as open or as closed as I feel comfortable.
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Women who rock
YOU! You rock. You are the next entry to this w om en w ho rocked the w orld list. You are a strong young w om an and the future of all w om en rests in your hands. You have endured m uch hardships, learned m any difficult lessons and still you rise to the occasion. Sure you m ay not alw ays do w hat is right. B ut you still do som ething. You are still out there struggling along to m ake your w ay. N othing stops you. T his is resiliency. You keep bouncing back no m atter w hat hits you. N othing can hold you dow n. You also are very ingenuous, creative. You can m ake any situation into w hat you w ant it to be. Som e of those situations haven’t been productive but you still are able to create som ething out of very little. T his is such an am azing skill. T hink of w hat you can create productively if you just knew w here to look. You are beautiful. W ith so m uch that is not pleasant to look at and less pleasant to live through in your life you have not let it color you w ith it’s ugliness. Your beauty shines through. W ith the w ay you look at your fam ily and friends despite the negative effect it m ay have on you adds to your glow . Your laugh is contagious. Just like that of the child you have inside of you-innocent and carefree. You are adventurous. T he w orld w as discovered by people like you. T here is no dare you w on’t take, no style you
PAGE 78 w on’t try. You w ill find things that the rest of the w orld m ay never even know to dream about. Your com passion for the people in the w orld is great. You m ay not know w hat to do to help but then neither does the rest of the w orld. T he heart in w hich you see the pain of the w orld w ith is all- encom passing. T he desire to change this w orld and end suffering is aw e-inspiring. A ll this and m ore is your story. E ach one of you fits this description. A ll have the sam e pain inside and the sam e struggle to show w hat they are really m eant to be if the w orld they lived in w ould let them . T ake this chance to look at w ho you w ould and can be if you let yourself. N o one is strong enough to stop you once you m ake up your m ind. ( D id I forget to m ention how persistent you are?) T ake the journey… it’s w orth it.
PAGE 79 8.00 @ qntmcsgdv nqkc Enqfhudmdrrbnl dr`l nl dmssnnk`sd @ qntmcsgdv nqkcanl aradfhmsncqno Hshrsnnk`sdsnl `jdsgdl rsno @ qntmcsgdv nqkcqdkhfhnmr`qdchudqrd Hfmnq`msodnokdbgnnrdsnbtqrd @ qntmcsgdv nqkconhmsrsqxsnadl `cd V ghkdhmmnbdmskhudr+adfhmsne`cd @ qntmcsgdv nqkcodnokd`qdcxhmf Enq`v nqsgxb`trd Od`bdhrotsnmo`trd @ qntmcsgdv nqkcodnokdbnmshmtdsnchd V ghkdsgdhqknudcnmdrbnmshmtdsnbqx @ qntmcsgdv nqkcv `qhrroqd`c V ghkdhmmnbdmsodnokdk`xhmsgdrsqddsr–cd`c- Idmmhedq@ -+07
Remember…….
You are a strong, young, capable woman who is in charge of her own world. The course of the journey that you take is up to you. When you meet roadblocks and bumps in the road, you have the choice of being stopped, thrown off track, or becoming more resourceful and resilient on how to work through these difficult times.
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Breakthrough
“Trapped in the depths of my soul, Held in bondage by my thoughts All alone and vulnerable No where to run, no where to hide In despair I cry out for help Suddenly there is a reply It comes forth from deep inside A sudden sensation flows throughout my body The painful memories and burdens slowly fade away Dreams, hopes, and aspirations now become reality I am whole I am free Hannah, 16 10-00
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