Autoethnography and the Classroom Pamela Kay Autrey Louisiana State University and Agricultural and Mechanical College, [email protected]

Louisiana State University LSU Digital Commons LSU Doctoral Dissertations Graduate School 2003 The trouble with girls: autoethnography and the classroom Pamela Kay Autrey Louisiana State University and Agricultural and Mechanical College, [email protected] Follow this and additional works at: https://digitalcommons.lsu.edu/gradschool_dissertations Part of the Education Commons Recommended Citation Autrey, Pamela Kay, "The trouble with girls: autoethnography and the classroom" (2003). LSU Doctoral Dissertations. 3927. https://digitalcommons.lsu.edu/gradschool_dissertations/3927 This Dissertation is brought to you for free and open access by the Graduate School at LSU Digital Commons. It has been accepted for inclusion in LSU Doctoral Dissertations by an authorized graduate school editor of LSU Digital Commons. For more information, please [email protected]. THE TROUBLE WITH GIRLS: AUTOETHNOGRAPHY AND THE CLASSROOM A Dissertation Submitted to the Graduate Faculty of the Louisiana State University and Agricultural and Mechanical College in partial fulfillment of the requirements for the degree of Doctor of Philosophy in The Department of Curriculum and Instruction by Pamela Kay Autrey B.S., Louisiana State University, 1995 M.S., Louisiana State University, 1996 August 2003 To the memory of my father, Colin E. Autrey: Speaking indifferently to him, Who had driven out the cold And polished my good shoes as well. What did I know, what did I know Of love’s austere and lonely offices? (Excerpted from “Those Winter Sundays” by Robert Hayden) ii TABLE OF CONTENTS Abstract……………………………………………………………………….….v Chapter One: Practice…………………………………………………………..1 Autoethnography…..……………………………………………….….3 Embodying the Worlds Between Us…………………………………10 Teachers’ Narratives……………………………………………11 Working Knowledge……………………………………………12 Unfinished Business……………………………………………16 Collages of Past and Present……………………………………17 The Platform…………..………………………………………………20 Dissimulation…………………………………………………...24 The Trouble with Some Girls………….……………………….26 Where the Girls Are………………………………………….…28 The Autoethnography of a Scream…….……………………………….37 Chapter Two: Strange Little Girls……………………………………………….41 Barbie’s Vita………………..………………………………………. 46 Packaging Barbie………………………………………….…...50 Symbolic Plastic…………………………………………..……52 Barbie: Pedagogy of a Talisman………………………………....…...54 Playing with Barbie…….……………….……………………………60 Kinderculture in the Classroom...……………………………………67 Conclusion…………………………………………………………....73 Chapter Three: Inside the Bell Jar……………………………………………….76 Bell Jars…………………………………………………………..….81 The Romance of Substance Abuse…………………………….87 The Pygmalion Effect……………………………………….....91 What Can Schools Do?.........................................................................97 Belongings...........................................................................…...99 Unforeseen Belongings……………………………………….101 Conclusion: Dark Energy……………………………………..……105 Chapter Four: An Unbecoming Woman……………………………………..…107 Biology, Medicine, and Curriculum…………………………………110 Midlife and Menopause: Menarcheal Reflections…………..112 A Hormonal Language…….………………………………...114 A Menopausal Theory of Curriculum………………………………117 Displacing Hierarchy…………………………………………119 Letting Go……………………………………………………122 How Being A Girl Becomes Autoethnography…………..….123 What Schools Can Do……………………….……………………..125 Pricking Consciousness………………………………………130 Conclusion………………………………………………………….134 iii References………………………………………………………………………137 Vita……………………………………………………………………………...149 iv ABSTRACT Recent research suggests that many young women are undergoing a particularly difficult time during early adolescence, beginning with the transition to middle school (The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University [CASA], 2003; Albert, Brown, & Flanigan, 2003; American Association of University Women, 1992). Employing autoethnography, I studied my experience as girl and woman, student and teacher, in elementary and middle schools and how these informed my pedagogical practices and knowledge as an elementary school teacher. Drawing upon feminist theory and cultural studies as well as research narratives, I argue for the inclusion of “kinderculture” in the curriculum by considering how Barbie, a cultural icon, provides opportunities for students to explore the role of gender in schools. Additionally, I studied the role of depression in some girls’ early adolescence. The increase in new cases of depression in females during early adolescence (Bebbington, 1996) reveals the troubled character of many girls’ experience of adolescence. I propose a menopausal theory of curriculum that supports scholarly reflection and curricular attention to young girls’ experiences of this often difficult period of their coming of age. v CHAPTER ONE: PRACTICE I know something about being a girl. The silence and passivity of the strange little girl I was is one place I look for ways to critically explore some of the many worlds girls may inhabit beneath the guise of the good schoolgirl and beyond. The beyond, for me, includes many guises including the present guise of menopause. These homunculi inform the turn to the past while the present informs the “biography as it is lived” (Pinar, 1976, p. 52). In other words, “I take myself and my existential experience as a data source” (p. 52). But this is not the only data source I call upon; research narratives, both quantitative and qualitative, are particular genres of story and a resource for data outside of the idiosyncrasy of my own biography. Gee defines discourse as “ways of behaving, valuing, thinking, believing, speaking, and often reading and writing that are accepted as instantiations of particular roles (or ‘types of people’) by specific groups of people” (as cited in Schultz, 2002, p. 360). The first conversations between teachers and students hang on the discourse of a classroom we take for granted. The “conceptual categories which organize thought into predetermined patterns and set the boundaries on discourse” in the classroom are preset by those whose ability to do so “constitutes power” (Bowers as cited in Elbaz, 1991, p. 1). In order to appreciate the extent to which girls’ identities are constructed through the discursive practices within schools, particularly girls who do not fit in well, it is necessary to explore what is left out, too. There is an “elaborate fiction” embedded in these discursive practices that works to alienate girls and women from the production of knowledge (Martusewicz, 1992, p. 154). 1 Because schools are the one universal experience provided for children, they are “a powerful force in the socialization of children” (O’Reilly et al., 2001, p. 18). The universal child is modeled on a “rationally inquiring boy” (Walkerdine, 1997), constructed by patriarchal discourse. Gender stereotypes are reinforced in schools and girls “learn early to be silent and that their input is not valued” (O’Reilly et al., p. 18). I could have returned to explore the worlds boys inhabit (for there is much of the masculine within me) but since I invested much of my time and energy in my male students in classrooms, it seems fitting to look for the silences in the classroom. When I return to the first grade classroom of my childhood, even though reading and writing were “easy” for me, these sets of techniques did not help me to make sense of the world I entered in the public school. My home life had come unraveled when my father “ran off” with another woman before I entered school. The importance of erasing the fictional lines between school and home is underscored in my experiences. The making and re-making of identity through the stories we are telling ourselves about the world we find ourselves in should be a cornerstone of literacy yet, it is given little, if any, attention in our first ventures into the public world beyond home. As Lisa Delpit (1995) notes in Other People’s Children, “we all carry worlds in our heads, and those worlds are decidedly different” (p. xiv). Unfortunately, as she also notes, “we live in a society that nurtures and maintains stereotypes” (p. xiii). As a first- grader, I speak against what Walkerdine (1990) has called “schoolgirl fictions” to refer to the impossible but stereotypical good schoolgirl. As a middle-schooler, I speak against an unwillingness on the part of adults to acknowledge how awful this stage of life can be in school for some adolescents. Through an autoethnographic approach, I attempt to 2 write “in response to or in dialogue with” representations of the disenfranchised by those in power (Pratt as cited in Buzard, 1997 March 22, p. 4). This involves what Buzard calls “partial collaboration” with stereotypes. This partial collaboration allows the differences of this research narrative to emerge because it relies on the discourse of a classroom we believe to exist to anchor it. Autoethnography allows for the heightened self-consciousness of autobiography undercut by the simultaneous gaze through the self to the conditions of that self. Maynard (2002) calls this collaboration “an imagination of order” (p. 1). I look out to the conditions of the self at the structures of a classroom I still must believe in, even though I know it to be a fiction. The discourse of the classroom supplies “felt principle[s] of order, beneath all possible embodiments, in the mind of the listener” as props that locate boundaries and simultaneously lead to a freer discursive space. Today, the proliferation of curricular labels on the space of classrooms and schools

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