REUNITED AND IT FEELS SO GOOD? THE LIVED EXPERIENCE OF USING

TECHNOLOGY TO RECONNECT WITH OLD FLAMES/LOST LOVES: A

QUALITATIVE STUDY

A DISSERTATION

SUBMITTED IN PARTIAL FULFILLMENT OF THE REQUIREMENTS

FOR THE DEGREE OF DOCTOR OF PHILOSOPHY

IN THE GRADUATE SCHOOL OF THE

TEXAS WOMAN’S UNIVERSITY

DEPARTMENT OF HUMAN DEVELOPMENT,

FAMILY STUDIES, & COUNSELING

COLLEGE OF PROFESSIONAL EDUCATION

BY

THELMA L. ROUSE, M.B.A., M.A.

DENTON, TEXAS

AUGUST 2020

Copyright ©Thelma L. Rouse, 2020 all rights reserved. ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

With God all things are possible and through Christ I can do all things. I would like to thank God Almighty for surrounding me with such a wonderful support system to finish this portion of my journey. He placed a lot of awesome people and great opportunities in my life along this journey. As I continue to run this race. I look forward to so much more. To my husband Herman and my daughters, Imani and Iyana, I love you all very much and I thank you for the many times you have provided a listening ear, as I pondered various ideas over the course of my study at Texas Woman’s University or when you volunteered to be my “road dawgs” as I commuted to campus for various reasons. I like to thank my fur babies Coco and Ditto for remaining dutifully by my side to offer a belly to rub, a wet nose kiss, or a snuggle at my feet while I studied. To my dissertation committee, Dr. Brock, Dr. Hwang, and Dr. Ladd, I am grateful for your guidance and reassurance throughout this portion of my academic career. Dr. Vittrup, Dr. Woods, Dr. Jennings, and Dr. Kuhn, I thank you all for challenging me to grow academically, personally, and professionally. To the late Dr. Nancy Kalish, who offered much needed guidance and support, and taking the time to answer my e-mails. I deeply appreciate your insight while further researching the lost love phenomenon. To all my friends, extended family, colleagues, supervisors, and classmates, you are all awesome. I am forever grateful for all the encouraging words along the way and the emotional support you have offered me over my years of study. To all participants, thank you for your time and courageously sharing your narratives with me. To my Midwestern State University and Wayland Baptist University professors and colleagues, my siblings (Shadrach, Lue Dora, Vivian, Allie, and Katreasa), U.S. Air Force family, and my dearly departed parents Willie and Julia C’Wright, I thank you, as you all have been invaluable along my journey, inspiring me to complete what I have started, keeping my oath not only to others, but to myself, and instilling hope and courage in me to do great things regardless of naysayers.

ii ABSTRACT THELMA L. ROUSE

REUNITED AND IT FEELS SO GOOD? THE LIVED EXPERIENCE OF USING TECHNOLOGY TO RECONNECT WITH OLD FLAMES/LOST LOVES: A QUALITATIVE STUDY

AUGUST 2020

Rekindled romances with lost loves are nothing new. Reconnections today seem almost always to involve some modality of online technological influence. Using the phenomenological approach, this study aimed to explore the phenomenon of using technology to reconnect with old flames/lost loves during a committed relationship and how such reconnections may have influenced the quality and stability of the current or most recent couple relationship. Through semi-structured interviews, participants in committed relationships or who were in a committed relationship during which this phenomenon occurred communicated their own narratives and defined their own meanings of this phenomenon in their lives. Potential clinical implications for marriage and family therapists and other helping professionals, as well as possible implications for future research are presented based on the results of this study.

iii TABLE OF CONTENTS Page ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS ...... ii ABSTRACT ...... iii LIST OF TABLES ...... vi

Chapter

I. INTRODUCTION ...... 1 Statement of the Problem ...... 6 Purpose of the Study ...... 7 Research Questions ...... 7 Theoretical Framework ...... 8 Definition of Terms ...... 10 Delimitations of the Study ...... 11 Assumptions of the Study ...... 12 The Researcher as a Person ...... 12 Summary...... 13 II. REVIEW OF LITERATURE...... 15 Rekindled Romance with Former Lovers...... 17 Reconnection Through Social Media or E-mail ...... 20 Communication Activities Between Former Romantic Partners ...... 26 Internet/Online Infidelity versus Technological Reconnection ...... 28 Summary...... 35 III. METHODOLOGY ...... 36 Methodological Approach ...... 36 Sampling Procedures and Recruitment Process ...... 37 Sample Description ...... 40 Human Protection of Participants ...... 42 Instrumentation ...... 43

iv Interview Procedures ...... 44 Data Analysis Procedures ...... 48 Credibility ...... 52 Summary...... 53 IV. RESULTS ...... 54 Research Question #1 What are the lived experiences of people who have been involved in a technological reconnection with an old flame/lost love?3) ...... 55 Research Question #2 In what ways, if any do technological reconnections with an old flame/lost love impact a committed relationship? ...... 61 Summary...... 66 V. DISCUSSION ...... 68 Interpretation of the Findings ...... 69 Implications for Theory and Research ...... 75 Limitations of the Study ...... 76 Recommendations for Future Research...... 77 Clinical Implications for Practice ...... 78 Summary...... 82 REFERENCES ...... 84 APPENDICES A. Recruitment Flyer ...... 93 B. E-mail Script for Distribution of Recruitment Flyer ...... 95 C. Phone Script to Respond to Participant’s Inquiries ...... 97 D. Email Script to Respond to Participant’s Inquiries ...... 99 E. Informed Consent to Participate in Research ...... 102 F. Demographic Questionnaire ...... 106 G. Interview Guide ...... 109 H. Referral List of Mental Health Providers ...... 113

v LIST OF TABLES

Table Page Participants’ Demographics ...... 41

vi

This Page Is Intentionally Left Blank. CHAPTER I

INTRODUCTION

Rekindled romances with lost loves are nothing new. In fact, such reunions with former lovers or long-lost loves have been occasionally aired or headlined in the news media as long-lost loves have reconnected after several decades of separation. Quinn

(2013) described these instances as the re-establishment of dormant ties, and that such a phenomenon becomes more prevalent by middle and later adulthood. Further, Stutzman,

Stull, and Thompson (2009) explored the use of online platforms among older adults, concluding that it was not just novelty of new technology alone, but reconnecting with friends after 20 or more years was meaningful. When the reconnection experiences involve a lost love, they are thought of as unique unions, antidotes to depression, loneliness, and misery, even perhaps after experiencing a divorce, midlife crisis, or the death of a spouse (Kalish, 1997). Reconnections today seem almost always to involve some modality of online technological influence. These types of reconnections have sometimes drastically changed the development of interpersonal relationship dynamics.

Social media platforms such as Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Skype, and Second

Life have millions of active users who connect daily from around the world (Cravens &

Whiting, 2014). Many of these platforms have synchronous and asynchronous components to facilitate connections between others. This can be both helpful and harmful when socially interacting. When helpful, social media can assist with enhancing existing relationships, establishing new relationships, and maintaining weak ties from

1 former relationships, especially when direct social ties would not otherwise exist (Quinn,

2013).

One of the biggest detriments of social media occurs when illicit relationships have been established (Cravens & Whiting, 2014; Docan-Morgan & Docan, 2007). These relationships may become established secretly or inadvertently through social network sites (SNS) such as Facebook or other online platforms. This type of behavior is most problematic when the offending person seeks another person’s affection through a combination of sexual or emotional behaviors through flirting, withholding information from, or lying to their significant other to maintain the online relationship (Hertlein &

Piercy, 2012). Referred to as infidelity activities, these behaviors may undermine the trust and stability of committed relationships (Hertlein & Ancheta, 2014).

AshleyMadison.com, a known infidelity website, is an entity marketing itself to married persons seeking interpersonal connections with other persons outside of the marital relationship (Hertlein & Piercy, 2012). Social media can also be utilized in monitoring behaviors such as interpersonal electronic surveillance (IES) of current and former lovers. This may be typical when there is relationship uncertainty (Fox & Warber,

2014). Seeking out and acting upon romantic relationship alternatives via the Internet have become some of the most frequent and the most problematic behaviors reported by

Internet users (Docan-Morgan & Docan, 2007). Further, marriage and family therapists are increasingly observing that conflict involving technology use is frequently a presenting problem in couple relationships, negatively influencing relationship

2 satisfaction (Hertlein, 2011; Roberts & David, 2016). For example, a problematic behavior such as phubbing (phone plus snubbing) is best described as the extent to which an offending romantic partner is distracted by phone use in the presence of the non- offending partner, leaving the non-offending partner feeling jilted and/or snubbed

(Roberts & David, 2016).

Clayton, Nagurney, and Smith (2013) conducted a study that may have been a precursor to further research regarding social media use as a contributing factor to the divorce rate, emotional cheating, and traditional cheating. Clayton et al. (2013) investigated the relationship between social network usage via Facebook and how it related to negative interpersonal relationship outcomes. The results revealed that high levels of Facebook usage were indeed associated with negative relationship outcomes among those who were in couple relationships of 3 years or less. The researchers attributed this to these relationships having not fully matured. However, those who were in relationships for longer than 3 years may not have utilized Facebook as often or older couples may not have Facebook accounts. Further, Clayton et al. (2013) associated less than favorable situations with high usage of Facebook due to the indirect temptation for physical and/or emotional cheating, conflict, and jealousy in relationships. This was more specifically indicated when the offending spouse added an ex-partner or ex-spouse as a friend on Facebook (Clayton et al., 2013).

Another commonly presenting problem in couples’ therapy is infidelity. Infidelity is a source of pain that not only leads to strife in a committed relationship, but it can lead

3 to decreased relationship satisfaction. Negative intrapersonal outcomes, such as low self- esteem, have been reported by both the offending partner and the non-offending partner

(Russell, Baker, & McNulty, 2013). Docan-Morgan and Docan (2007) argued that infidelity on the Internet warrants special attention because the convenience of Internet access for relational initiation and engagement raised specific concerns regarding the types of relational activities considered to be infidelity. The partner may be more concerned when a pre-existing relationship has existed. For example, pornography or a one-night stand may not be considered acts of betrayal, while reconnecting through social media with an ex-lover might be viewed as cheating (Docan-Morgan & Docan, 2007).

Docan-Morgan and Docan (2007) further explored gender-based perceptions regarding which specific behaviors were construed as an act of infidelity by relational partners. For some, behavior on the Internet may be considered harmless due to the lack of physical contact and face-to-face propinquity. For this reason, infidelity might not exist for these individuals. Women were more likely to be distressed about emotional components of infidelity and more likely to report being hurt by Internet infidelity than men. Men were more likely to be distressed about physical/sexual components of infidelity than women. For these men, internet infidelity was not as distressing because of the lack of the physical body being present in the act.

There are challenges to defining what infidelity is, let alone what constitutes

Internet infidelity (Cravens & Whiting, 2014). Because infidelity is an elusive term, it has been categorized in past literature as sexual, emotional, or a combination of both.

4 Traditionally, infidelity is thought of as a sexual encounter with another outside of the established couple relationship, a threat to the relationship bond, or betrayal of trust (Mao

& Raguram, 2009). There are many diverse opinions about which behaviors may be considered infidelity in the physical world, as well as diverse opinions about infidelity in the virtual world. For some, infidelity could be as simple as keeping secrets or violating trust in the committed relationship. Such violations can range from sharing physical affection with another to spending time sharing thoughts, feelings, and emotions using technology (Schneider, Weiss, & Samenow, 2012). For this study, the aim was to allow each participant to define or characterize his or her own lived experiences with technological reconnections with old flames/lost loves.

Technological reconnections can occur through any modality of technology, including social media networks, web-based communities, virtual reality platforms, such as Second Life, text messages, or telephone. Relational reconnections with old flames/lost loves have often been a source of contention within couples’ relationships but remains underexplored when it comes to how couples reconnect through technological means, such as SNS (Ramirez, Bryant, & Spinda, 2017). Presenting problems involving this phenomenon may be inadequately treated in therapeutic relationships (Hertlein &

Blumer, 2014).

Most articles attempting to address theoretical explanations of online behavior are found in non-family journals, despite the consequences that online behaviors may have in couple and family relationships (Hertlein, 2011). These non-family journals lack the

5 ability to address implications for social and familial networks. As a result, there is a deficiency in conceptualizations tailored to technological advancements affecting couples’ and families’ daily lives. In addition, Internet usage has become an increasing source of heartache and drama for the marital relationship, causing significant impairment of couple functioning (Hertlein, 2011). Discord regarding these experiences can sometimes result in a temporary separation and/or permanent dissolution of the marriage (Hertlein, 2011).

Statement of the Problem

Over the past decade, Internet dating issues with online infidelity have increased, becoming more commonplace or perhaps more convenient and discrete than traditional forms of infidelity (Cravens, Leckie, & Whiting, 2013; Hertlein & Piercy, 2012). Much of the literature regarding technology and relationships consists of studies exploring extramarital affairs, pornography addictions, and sexting (Vossler, 2016). However, there is very little information about the frequency of online infidelity activities as a presenting problem for couples’ therapy (Hertlein, 2012). Even with a consensus among researchers and practitioners concerning the increased prevalence rate of the problem presenting in couple and family relationships, treatment methods remain nonexistent (Vossler, 2016).

Reconnecting with a former lover online may be considered an infidelity activity by some. Such actions may cause significant relationship distress. However, the aim of this study was not to label the activity, but to gain further insight into this phenomenon.

Further, literature regarding clinical implications for marriage and family therapists is

6 broad-based and lacks empirical rigor focused on what activities may be categorized as

Internet infidelity (Vossler, 2016).

Statement of Purpose

Using a systemic lens, the purpose of this qualitative study was to explore technological reconnections with old flames and lost loves and how such reconnections may have influenced the quality and stability of the current or most recent couple relationship. Using a phenomenological approach, my goal as the researcher was to allow the participants to communicate their own narratives and to define their own meanings of this phenomenon in their lives. Information was collected from individuals in committed relationships or who were previously in committed relationships in which this lived experience of technological reconnection may have occurred. By providing further insight into these individuals’ lived experiences, couple and family therapists are better informed to develop effective therapeutic strategies and interventions during treatment, when encountering such clients.

Research Questions

The following research questions were utilized:

RQ1: What are the lived experiences of people who have been involved in a technological reconnection with an old flame/lost love?

RQ2: In what ways, if any, do technological reconnections with an old flame/lost love impact a committed relationship?

7 Theoretical Framework

Bowen family systems theory (BFST) is the theoretical framework guiding this study. Based on over 10,000 hours of family psychotherapy, BFST is a generalization about human behavior attempting to define relationships (Kerr, 2000). One of the most important concepts in family systems theory is the emotional system. Bowen conceptualized the emotional system as a behavioral link between human and other animals. All living things are affected by the forces of nature pushing them toward autonomy and pulling them toward connection (Kerr & Bowen, 1988).

The well-differentiated person can balance emotion with logic and the ability to experience close personal relationships while maintaining independence (Bowen, 1978).

It is the internal process of being able to integrate and freely choose between intellectual and emotional systems (Bowen, 1978) and the external process of being able to maintain a separate self while remaining connected with significant others (Kerr & Bowen, 1988).

It also reflects the degree to which one can avoid having his or her behavior automatically driven by emotion and/or being determined by relationship processes

(Crossno, 2011).

It is postulated in BFST that highly differentiated individuals possess better coping mechanisms and psychological adjustment with social interactions and relationships than their less differentiated counterparts (Lampis, Cataudella, Busonera, &

Skowron, 2017). Further, it has been assumed that differentiation indirectly influences self-esteem for those striving for individuation during their adolescent years (Chunn &

8 MacDermid, 1997) versus a higher self-esteem during middle adulthood (Quinn, 2013).

This study sought to understand how individuals perceive their reconnection with old flames and lost loves, as well as their perceptions of the experience during a committed relationship.

Bowen postulates the family as one emotional unit with complex dynamics within the family unit (Kerr & Bowen, 1988). Bowen conceptualized differentiation of self as one’s maturity level within relationships while remaining one’s own separate self. In other words, differentiation of self is a rooted life force between togetherness and separateness while humans learn to function as individuals as they develop to maturity (Kerr & Bowen,

1988).

Researchers have explored differentiation of self and its importance in areas of well-being including relationship satisfaction, capacity to manage social anxiety, decision- making, and coping strategies with stressors (Kerr, 2000). Bowen’s concept of differentiation of self was utilized to explore the romantic relationship dynamics between participants and their committed partner, as well as how it relates to their perceptions concerning the use of technology to reconnect with an old flame/lost love.

Considered the cornerstone of Bowen family systems theory, differentiation of self is both intrapsychic and interpersonal, the capacity to think and reflect, and not respond to emotional pressures automatically, analogous to ego self (Kerr, 2000).

Differentiation of self is the basis of systemic understanding of maturity, the ability to think as an individual while remaining meaningfully connected with others, thereby balancing

9 emotions and intellect with the need to be attached versus the need to be a separate self

(Kerr & Bowen, 1988). If one is said to be well differentiated, this person is comfortable with emotional closeness to others and adapt well to stressors in committed relationships.

However, if one is poorly differentiated, this person does not adapt well, may be more possessive of and feel entitled to their romantic partners. This type of anxiety is postulated to be a result of unresolved emotional attachment from their family of origin dynamics

(Bowen, 1978).

Definition of Terms

Committed Relationship - As defined by the participant. It can include legally recognized union by state license, holy matrimony, or civil union, and/or relationships where two consenting adults agree to monogamy or exclusivity. The committed relationship was for a period as specified by the person defining the nature of the relationship.

Dormant Tie - Relationship in which there was once close familiarity with a person, but that connection resulted in no longer being on speaking terms or daily interaction. This may be due to life’s circumstances, such as moving away, getting married, or starting a family. Also defined by Levin, Walter, and Murnighan (2011) as a relationship between two individuals who have not communicated with each other for a long time, (e.g., who have drifted apart because of job mobility, divergent interests, or other time demands).

Old Flame/Lost Love - This includes any former lover or romantic partner as defined by the participant. Examples can include, but are not limited to, former relational

10 reconnections such as a spouse, fiancé, or significant other where there was once a significant attachment bond or attraction prior to a committed relationship. Participants may have simply “carried a torch” also known as secretly admired a person. The goal was for the participant to define this person in their lives.

Technological Reconnection - Reconnecting through the Internet, e-mail, social media, or other modalities of technology to re-establish communication with a long-lost friend, loved-one, admirer, or ex-lover, after many years of no direct contact with the person. Relational reconnection involves activating a dormant relationship by reestablishing lines of communication and tapping back into the previous sense of relational history (Ramirez, et al., 2017). For the purposes of this study, the technological reconnection must have happened after a period of at least three years of no communication with an old flame/lost love.

Delimitations of the Study

The following delimitations apply:

1) Each participant was required to be 18-years of age or older and met the following

criteria:

a. Had been in a committed relationship (current or past)

b. Had experienced a technological reconnection with and old flame/lost love

during that committed relationship.

2) To be classified as a technological reconnection with the old flame/lost love, the

relationship had to have ended sometime before or during the committed relationship

11 where there has been no direct contact between the participant and the other person for

a minimum of 3 years and then reestablished through technological means, specifically

the Internet or social media platforms. This technological reconnection experience may

have been experienced by:

a. Participant having established a technological reconnection with an old

flame/lost love through social media, e-mail, or online platform.

b. Participant’s old flame/lost love having established a technological

reconnection with them as an old flame/lost love via social media, e-mail, or

online platform.

Assumptions of the Study

The following assumptions underlie the study:

1) The participants volunteered for the study.

2) The participants were open and honest about their technological

reconnection experience.

3) The participants have unique experiences involving technological

reconnections with old flames and lost loves.

4) Not all technological reconnection experiences were considered

infidelity activities.

The Researcher as a Person

I am an African American female Family Therapy doctoral candidate at Texas

Woman’s University. I am dually licensed as a Licensed Professional Counselor and

12 Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. I am also a Nationally Certified Counselor. I specifically chose this topic because of my previous clinical encounters with couples. I have worked with couples and families from all walks of life in agency environments, as well as in private practice. Several clients have presented their unique stories to me in confidence regarding this specific topic. Because of this, I have found a need for more research about Internet use within the couple relationship, specifically using technology to reconnect with old flames/lost loves during a committed couple relationship. The information gathered in this study may be useful in guiding the clinical practices of fellow clinicians who may be working with similar clients who present to therapy with this unique life experience.

Summary

In summary, reconnection experiences with people from the past has become easier over time (Ramirez et al., 2017). These reconnections occur when dormant ties have been re-established in hopes of renewing a friendship or rekindling romance. As technology advances, locating an old flame/lost love is conveniently located at the fingertips or a click away with a variety of search engines. Acting upon romantic interests via technology have been both beneficial and detrimental for those individuals involved in committed relationships (Hertlein & Piercy, 2012). It is assumed that the most damage to relationship happens among those who decide to reconnect with an old flame/lost love.

There are special relationship dynamics in the phenomenon of using technology to reconnect with and old flamed/lost love. A shared history may make this reconnection

13 seem to be more unique than any other type of reconnections. It is assumed that early love experiences imprinted upon or become hard wired in the brain (Kalish, 2003). The theoretical concepts of Bowen family systems theory were utilized to gain an understanding of the life experiences of persons influenced by this phenomenon.

14 CHAPTER II

REVIEW OF LITERATURE

Romantic relationships, and in fact, all relationships are eventually terminated for various reasons. Some of these reasons include moving away, growing apart, or other failed dynamics in the relationship (Quinn, 2013). When relationships are terminated, some people completely cease all interactions with their former lovers. However, in some cases, maintaining communication with a former partner can leave behind dormant ties post-relationship dissolution (Bevan, Cameron, & Dillow, 2003). One may eventually wish to re-establish some form of interaction with a former romantic interest. Oftentimes, these reconnections are made through technological means such as social media, e-mail, or other Internet platforms (Ramirez et al., 2017).

Though the term has not yet been firmly defined in academic literature, and as a proposed operational definition for this study, a technological reconnection is defined as using the Internet, e-mail, social media networks, and other modalities of technology to re-establish a line of communication with a former friend, loved-one, admirer, or ex- lover/partner. Other criteria include: the relationship becoming dormant, no direct contact between the two for many years, and the relational reconnection usually involves activating a dormant relationship (Levin et al., 2011). For a technological reconnection to occur, someone from the past wishes to re-establish communication using technology.

This is especially the case for those who reconnect with the hopes of tapping back into the previous dynamics of relational history (Ramirez et al., 2017).

15 Some early theories regarding communication via online platforms included the inability of face-to-face interaction being replicated due to the lack of visual and nonverbal cues present in offline relational interaction (Norton & Baptist, 2014). They included the likelihood of online interactions developing into meaningful relationships

(Kraut et al., 1998); for example, the partner of the reconnecting person being more distraught about offline friends interacting than chatroom users who are not in proximity

(Cravens & Whiting, 2014); and Internet infidelity creating therapeutic dilemmas in treatment (Hertlein, 2011).

A shared history is more than enough to solidify the relationship-strengthening dynamics between individuals with dormant ties (Quinn, 2013). Further, life transitions such as the death of a spouse, divorce, the end of child-rearing, and other major life changes may strengthen or weaken these bonds. Social media and other Internet modalities create a sense of belonging and closeness to those with high levels of attachment anxiety (Oldmeadow, Quinn, & Kowert, 2013).

There is limited information regarding reconnection experiences among old flames/lost loves or other former romantic partners using technology. Various reconnection experiences, specifically using online technological modalities (e.g., asynchronous and synchronous platforms) is discussed. A brief exploration regarding the similarities and differences in research regarding traditional in-person reconnections versus technological reconnections is conducted.

16 Rekindling Romance with Former Lovers

Kalish (1997) first started gathering data for her Lost Love Project in 1993 with lost and found lovers long before the World Wide Web was established. Her research interests were ignited with her own experience of reconnecting with an old flame/lost love. The purpose of her study was to explore the phenomenon of reunited couples.

Kalish (1997) designed her questionnaire to study reunions of all lost lovers who had been separated for at least 5 years. Kalish chose this parameter randomly to allow for each partner in lost love relationships enough time to move on with their lives without their former partners.

Over 1,000 participants across all 50 states, U.S. territories, and 30 plus countries participated in her study. Participants ranged in age from 18 to 85, with a mean age of 35.

Kalish (1997) discovered that rekindled romances happened across all ages and not just with Baby boomers trying to find love. In addition, most of all participants went back to their first loves and not just any lost love. These participants grew up together, with shared roots as young couples and with many of these romances occurring in their adolescent years. Kalish stated (2003) that 72% of the participants were still together at the time they filled out the survey. Some participants had recently reunited with a lost love and in one case may have reunited 50 years before. Among first loves, 78% of them remained together after rekindling a romance.

In a 2003 conference, Kalish discussed an updated account of her research regarding rekindled romances among first loves. This update was approximately 7 years

17 after the Lost Love Project. She spoke about relationship termination themes among lost loves that emerged during her research such as participants being too young (11%), dating someone else (13%), moved away (11%), and left to attend school (7%). Many of these individuals in her earlier study met up during a hometown visit, with a phone call being the most common modality of technology to re-connect with a lost love during this era. Other themes included a turning point in life such as being divorced, widowed, or having a serious illness. Some of these original breakups between these couples were due in part to situations such as lack of parental approval.

Kalish spoke of her concerns regarding the Internet being a modality of reconnecting with an old flame or lost love. She estimated that approximately 82% of the individuals who contacted her now were participating in an extra-marital relationship with a lost love compared to only 30% of those in the original study between 1993–1996.

She suggested that before the Internet, contacting a lost love was more purposeful, but because of the Internet, it has become more casual and convenient with social media.

According to Kalish (2003), most reunited couples do not show up in therapy and will quickly marry after reconnecting. Others who seek individual assistance strive to make meaning of their obsessive thoughts about lost lovers. Some seek therapy before re- establishing contact with their lost love, while others seek therapy after they have become involved in an extramarital affair with the lost love. From Kalish’s research, she found the following (2003):

18 1) It is common for people to reconnect with people from their past, regardless of

age.

2) People usually seek lost lovers when they are happy and secure with

themselves (e.g., putting their best foot forward).

3) Of lost love participants, 62% went back to their first loves with initial

romances occurring during adolescence (17 or younger, 55% of participants)

or young adults (18 to 22, 29% of participants).

Bevan et al. (2003) examined the reconciliation possibilities between former romantic partners. Their focus was to explore strategies viewed to be successful if used by one individual desiring to reconcile with a former lover. Strategies were identified and based on the following perceptions: who was responsible for the breakup, persistence and confidence of the individual seeking reconciliation, and levels of satisfaction and closeness associated with the “post-dissolutional” relationship. Study participants consisted of 96 students who were surveyed at a large southeastern university. Students’ average age was 20.6 years and most participants were female. Relationship status was not disclosed in this study.

Bevan et al. (2003) utilized pre-existing compliance-gaining strategy typologies and open-ended participant responses that individuals would consider using with former dating partners when attempting reconciliation. Of the 25 pre-existing strategies, participants used only 12. The other seven were suggested and included scene, filler, not seeking compliance, information seeking, indirect request, apology, and a third party.

19 These strategies provided evidence that romantic reconciliation is a distinct relational compliance-gaining event. Setting the scene was the second most suggested strategy. Apology was another emergent strategy, accounting for 2% of the strategies used. Of the 19 strategies identified, some could be considered positive (e.g. referent appeal, promise, & liking), negative (e.g. aversive stimulation, guilt), and neutral (e.g. information seeking, setting the scene). Overall, the most often-used strategies identified by participants were overwhelmingly positive or neutral in nature (Bevan et al., 2003).

Reconnection Through Social Media or E-mail

Social media has been a source of technological reconnections for more than a decade now. The first recognizable social media to arrive on scene in 1997 was known as

Six Degrees. Social media became a new avenue to re-establish contact with dormant relationships. Six Degrees was the first online platform to allow online users to create a profile and establish relationships via the Internet (Boyd & Ellison, 2008). Friends

Reunited, a SNS created in 2000, was exclusively dedicated to people who had lost touch with former lovers from life long ago. In fact, it was a source of contention and blamed for increased divorce cases where people reconnected with former lovers and rekindled the relationship (Ohlheiser, 2016).

Quinn’s (2013) discussion of technological reconnections is an unspecified general application to former friends and acquaintances. Her findings in this aspect were more significant among middle aged adults and least significant among young adults.

Her study purpose was to examine the attitudes and perceptions of midlife adults when

20 utilizing online platforms such as e-mail, social media, and search engines, and how these may relate to the use of technologies for relationship connection and maintenance

(Quinn, 2013).

Quinn (2013) recruited 176 potential participants during a pre-screening survey, and eventually narrowed it down to 23 participants who agreed to interview.

Participants’ ages ranged from 46–64. Findings from interviews revealed three significant ways technology supports reconnection and weak relationship maintenance: (1) by providing the ability to search with context, (2) by enhancing temporal management of reconnection events, and (3) by facilitating the social monitoring of weak connections.

Fox and Warber (2014) explored the role of attachment style, sex, and relational uncertainty in monitoring one’s current or former romantic partners on SNSs. There were 328 participants recruited from a Midwestern university. Of the participants, 145 were male and 183 were female Facebook users between the ages of 18 and 48. The majority (201 participants) reported currently being in a relationship, and the remainder

(127 participants) reported breaking up with someone within the last year. With social media as a surveillance tool, it is now easier to gather information about a former partner.

This is especially helpful to preoccupied and fearful exes who wish to retain access to their former partners’ lives.

Fox and Warber (2014) indicated that preserving a virtual connection with a former romantic partner possibly enhances feelings of uncertainty about the future of reconciliation, that without social media, may have had full closure. However,

21 maintaining a virtual connection to a former romantic partner may prolong recovery from the relationship termination.

Madden and Smith (2010) reported on communication patterns via the Internet.

The report was based on findings from a daily tracking survey of Internet use through the

Princeton Survey Research Associates International from August 18 to September 14,

2009. The purpose of the report was to track Americans’ daily Internet usage.

Information was gathered from 560 telephone calls to participants with 74 interviews conducted in Spanish. Participants consisted of 2,254 adults, age 18 and older. Those who were Internet users doubled their chances of being found by friends from their past.

Those with a more visible online profile were more likely to be contacted by someone from their past. According to Madden and Smith (2010), 40% of participants reported being contacted by someone from their past. This is an increase of 20% since

2006. As far as reconnecting and rekindling, 60% of participants with a highly visible online profile reported being contacted by someone from their past online.

Approximately 46% of participants reported having searched for a former lover with 40% of adults under the age of 50 reported being contacted by a former partner they had lost contact with years ago. Over half (53%) of these participants utilized the Internet to seek information about others from their own past. Further, 63% of SNS users reported searching past relational partners (Madden & Smith, 2010).

Using two data collections, Ramirez et al., (2017) explored the relational reconnection function of SNS among same-sex and cross-sex friends. Both collections

22 were used to explore the characteristics of friends who reconnected using SNS with the possibility of predicting whether the reconnected relationship would persist after initial reconnection. During the first study data collection, 845 participants (313 males, 532 females) were recruited from communication classes at six colleges and universities in various geographic locations. The average age of sample was 21.27 years. The majority identified as White/Caucasian (78.3%, n = 662) with African American/Black (8.0%, n =

68); Hispanic/Latino (5.1%, n = 43), and Asian American (4.7%, n = 40) also represented. Also, 32 (3.8%) identified themselves as other or did not provide demographic information regarding race. Relational reconnections did not differ and was not a factor in reconnection opportunities based on location of campuses (Ramirez et al.,

2017).

The second study data collection replicated the initial study except for using a nationwide sample of social network site users. Participants were recruited through a market research firm that maintained research panels. Initial recruitment was through e- mail contact from the firm announcing the study. The final sample included 346 participants (156 males and 190 females). The mean age was 31.89 years (SD = 7.58 years). Participants self-identified primarily as White/Caucasian (79.5%, n = 275),

African American (9.2%, n = 32), Hispanic/Latino (4.3%, n = 15), and Asian American

(4.3%; n = 15), while nine (2.6%) identified themselves as “other” or did not provide demographic information regarding race (Ramirez et al., 2017).

23 The findings across the study reflected the commonality of reconnecting with

75% of participants reporting having reconnected with someone from their past. More than half were within the previous 6 months prior to the study. Platonic friends were the most common form of reconnection in the study. Participants were more likely the recipient of reconnection as opposed to the initiator. Further, reconnected relationships prior to loss of contact were moderately well developed. SNS users were more likely to reconnect with a same-sex platonic friend as opposed to a cross-sex platonic friend, which seemed to align with same-sex platonic friends spending more time together and were more relationally close than cross-sex platonic friends (Ramirez et al., 2017).

Factors predicting relational persistence following reconnection included the respondent’s sex, the total number of channels utilized for reconnection, and three pre- loss-of-contact relational characteristics. Being female, engaging in modality expansion, and reactivating a relationship attributed to greater pre-loss of contact development and increased the likelihood that the reconnected relationship would persist. Ramirez et al.

(2017) explained this as individuals choosing to expand their communication when they renewed a previously well-developed relationship, as the strength of the tie drove the subsequent modality expansion and relational persistence after initial reconnection through social media (Ramirez et al., 2017).

Social media and other technological platforms have become more accessible and affordable, influencing the daily lives of users professionally and personally. Hassenzahl,

Heidecker, Eckoldt, Diefenbach, and Hillmann (2012) explored literature for current

24 strategies utilized by domain designers to mediate intimate relationships through technology. They presented six common strategies found in existing technological artifacts for relatedness. These included the following (Hassenzahl et al.,2012):

A) Awareness (display of presence, activity, or mood, drawing on implicit

communication).

B) Expressivity (enriched expression of emotions, feelings, reciprocity, and

integration of daily routines).

C) Physicalness (body heat, heartbeat meaningful gestures such as hugs, strokes,

and synchronized interactions).

D) Gift-giving (reflection, thoughtfulness, effort, and appreciation),

E) Joint action (established and new routines, shared activities)

F) Memories (using memorabilia, though this does not require technical

connections with a loved one).

Emerging young adults seem more willing and open to share their lives online.

Social media provides a means to initiate close interpersonal relationships and develop intimacy in close relationships, with emotional support as the foundation of this type of intimacy (Jenkins-Guarnieri, Wright, & Hudiburgh, 2012). Social media also helps ex- partners to maintain contact after a breakup, especially recent ex-partners who may be interested in reconciling after the breakup or who may simply want to monitor their ex- partners’ online activity (Fox & Tokunaga, 2015; Spielmann, Joel, MacDonald, &

Kogan, 2012).

25 Communication Activities Between Former Romantic Partners

Using two studies, Rodriguez, Overup, Wickham, Knee, and Amspoker (2016) investigated individual and contextual differences underlying post-dissolution friendships by considering communication with former romantic partners among individuals in new romantic relationships. Participants consisted of 260 undergraduate students at a large

Southwestern university, who were currently in romantic relationships of at least one month, but a former relationship for at least 3 months. For the study, Rodriguez et al.

(2016) used an often-used benchmark to classify relationships lasting at least 3 months, as a committed relationship.

In the second study conducted by Rodriguez et al. (2016), the frequency of and motives for communication with former partners when one is in a new romantic relationship were examined. Participants included 169 undergraduate students at a large

Southwestern university who completed the web-based survey at a time and location of their choice in exchange for course credit. To participate, respondents must have been in a current relationship for at least 1 month and had a committed former relationship of at least 3 months. Participants had been in their current relationship an average of 2.4 years and out of the relationship with the former partner for an average of 2.8 years (Rodriguez et al., 2016).

In the first study, participants were surveyed about their communication activities with former romantic partners where the relationship lasted 3 months or longer before their current relationship. If participants stated they had communicated with their former

26 partner since the breakup, then frequency of communication was measured, particularly how much time elapsed between the breakup and when communication with the former partner began. Those who said they communicated with a former romantic partner were then asked how often they communicated (Rodriguez et al., 2016).

Of those who kept in touch with a former romantic partner, 93.3% began communicating with their former partner within a few months after the breakup. Most

(90.4%) indicated that they communicated with their former partner at least once every couple of months, with 13.3% communicating several times per week. There were significant differences in relationship status and communication, especially those who did communicate versus those who did not. Those who did communicate reported feeling closer to the former partner as well as feeling a hotter flame (i.e., stronger romantic feelings) for that former romantic partner. Termination of the prior relationship was considered more understandable and less negative (Rodriguez et al., 2016).

With regards to the Post-Dissolution Adjustment scale administered during the study, individuals who communicated with a former lover exhibited significantly poorer current adjustment to the breakup and marginally higher emotional disruption to the breakup. Differences in participants’ feelings about their current romantic partner was also evaluated as a function of communication status. Individuals who communicated with their former partner reported lower levels of commitment to their current partner

(Rodriguez et al., 2016).

27 In the second part of the study, there were 25 original items used to assess motives for communicating with one’s former partner. Rodriguez et al. (2016) found that communication with former partners is common among young adults in new relationships. Communication with former partners for a “backup reason” or future reconciliation was detrimental to the current welfare of the committed relationship. This type of communication was significantly and negatively associated with relationship satisfaction and commitment and positively associated with quality of alternatives. Those communicating for social network reasons was mostly positive (e.g., higher satisfaction and commitment, marginally higher commitment, and investment), whereas friendship and investment motives were largely unrelated to current relationship functioning.

However, those who communicated for friendship motives were also positively associated with quality of alternatives (Rodriguez et al., 2016).

Internet/Online Infidelity versus Technological Reconnection

The Internet is a major medium to initiate not only friendships, but romantic relations. In fact, social media platforms such as Facebook and Instagram are the most frequented venues to maintain or initiate these types of relational experiences (Ramirez et al., 2017). In an exploratory study, Internet infidelity double standards were examined

(Docan-Morgan & Docan, 2007). Docan-Morgan and Docan (2007) were curious about which acts involving the Internet were the most detrimental to the current relationship.

Docan-Morgan and Docan (2007) explored differences in perceptions of infidelity based

28 on gender, and the evaluation of infidelity when one was the offending partner versus when their partner was the offending partner in the relationship.

The participants for the study included 208 undergraduate students at two large universities in the western United States. They were recruited through communication and business courses, and voluntarily completed the surveys during class time to receive extra credit. Other demographic data were considered analogous and all samples were combined regardless of sex, age, racial makeup, and relationship status (Docan-Morgan

& Docan, 2007).

Participants were given two types of questionnaires for the study: 103 participants completed the self-infidelity questionnaire and 105 completed the partner-infidelity questionnaire. Participants were asked to rate the severity of 44 specified acts (e.g., disclosing love to a person met online, using an infidelity questionnaire for either themselves or their partners). Participants were not told the purpose of the study. Docan-

Morgan and Docan (2007) had two hypotheses: “H1: Women will rate acts of Internet infidelity as more severe than men will rate acts of Internet infidelity” (p. 322). “H2:

Partner-infidelity will be rated as more severe than will self-infidelity” (p. 323).

The first hypothesis (H1) results revealed involving/goal-directed activities such as sharing secrets, expressing care, flirting, and communicating online before bed every night were viewed as considerable degrees of infidelity. Superficial/informal, also considered non-direct acts on the Internet, such as viewing pornography or personal ads, as well as placing a personal ad were viewed as infidelity acts. According to Docan-

29 Morgan and Docan (2007), women rated these activities significantly more severe than men did. When it came to part-infidelity versus self-infidelity (H2), self-infidelity was rated less severe than partner infidelity perhaps due to self-serving desires, self-motivated rules, and expectation differences own actions compared to partner actions, creating a double standard (Docan-Morgan & Docan, 2007).

Cravens, Leckie, and Whiting (2013) explored Facebook infidelity behaviors from the non-offending partner’s perspective. Using grounded theory and content analysis, the purpose of the study was to explore the phenomenon of Facebook infidelity behaviors of those impacted by their partner’s infidelity behavior. Cravens et al. (2013) compared online and offline infidelity, dynamics of discovery, partner behavior, and psychological processes of the non-participating partner.

Cravens et al. (2013) obtained samples of stories posted on a website titled

Facebookcheating.com. The creator of the website dedicated a space “Cheating Stories” where 33 participants uploaded their narratives. Stories ranged in length from one paragraph to several pages. There were over 200 comments on an article “What actions represent an online affair?” Of these 200 comments, 57 specifically discussed Facebook infidelity, as well as other forms of infidelity. The website overall provided 90 stories about Facebook infidelity utilized in this study.

Results revealed the processes which the non-offending partners undergo from onset of infidelity through the discovery of infidelity (Cravens et al., 2013). These included: observable warning signs (verbal and nonverbal cues and “gut feelings”),

30 discovery such as accidentally stumbling across messages, conducting investigations into partners’ behaviors, and boundary/damage appraisal (e.g., assessing degree of damage to relational boundaries). Some non-offending partners either retaliated, confronted, or avoided the offending partner because many of the participants struggled with whether the behavior was inappropriate or appropriate. From these results, defining Internet infidelity is just as complicated as defining infidelity offline (Cravens et al., 2013;

Cravens & Whiting, 2014).

Cravens and Whiting (2014) further explored clinical implications of Internet infidelity where the technological reconnection occurred on Facebook. The study examined literature on Facebookcheating.com, where a non-offending partner posted anonymously about his wife reconnecting with an old flame from her childhood. She left her husband for this person after 15 years of marriage. The purpose of this article was to explore the existing literature on Internet infidelity, specifically focusing on similarities and differences between other online infidelity behaviors and Facebook-specific infidelity behaviors. Five areas were explored: 1) Defining infidelity, 2) Beliefs about

Internet infidelity, 3) Motivational factors for Internet infidelity, 4) Internet infidelity impact on relationships, and 5) Online boundaries and rules (Cravens & Whiting, 2014).

Cravens and Whiting (2014) found that Facebook infidelity was just as difficult to define as other forms of Internet infidelity. They recommended clinical implications for clinicians working with couples such as focusing on assessment, boundary and rule- setting, and processing emotions related to infidelity. Norton’s 2011 study suggested five

31 boundary items fitting into two broader constructs, facilitating higher levels of trust in participants’ relationships. These included openness (sharing passwords, access to accounts) and fidelity (emotional fidelity being the same online as offline).

According to Cravens and Whiting (2014) and in the context of Facebook, it was important to explore the possibility of offline activity. For example, if there was a reconnection established with a former romantic partner, therapists should explore with clients the location of the romantic partner in relation to the couple. If the offending spouse and the other person grew up together, what relationship might this partner have had with the third party? It was suggested as helpful to gather information about the third party to assess the severity of offense, as well as both partners’ view of the problem.

Cravens and Whiting’s intent was to differentiate Facebook-specific infidelity from general Internet infidelity. Though Facebook infidelity and other forms of online infidelity share common factors (e.g., difficulty in defining infidelity, similar impacts in offline relationships) there remained disagreement about the rules related to specific behaviors. There was also a unique finding, which included the possibility of a higher perception of threat of Facebook interactions leading to offline relationships, especially if such behavior led to offline interactions (Cravens & Whiting, 2014).

Clayton et al. (2013) conducted a study that may have been a precursor to further research regarding social media use and its impact on the breakup/divorce rate, emotional cheating, and physical cheating. The purpose of the study was to investigate the relationship between using Facebook and negative interpersonal relationship outcomes.

32 The sample included college-aged students, though was not just limited to this population.

In this study, 205 Facebook users between the ages of 18 and 82 years old, were recruited to participate in a 16-question online survey with a qualtrics.com link using convenience sampling. Clayton et al. (2013) investigated the relationship between social network usage via Facebook and how it related to negative interpersonal relationship outcomes, specifically whether these relationships were mediated by Facebook related conflict.

Clayton et al. (2013) found that high levels of Facebook usage were indeed associated with negative relationships outcomes in those who were in relationships of 3 years or less. These findings were attributed to these relationships having not been fully matured. Further, Clayton et al. (2013) associated the high usage of Facebook with indirect temptation for physical and/or emotional cheating, conflict, and jealousy in relationships due to the offending spouse adding an ex-partner or ex-spouse as a friend on

Facebook.

The most versatile media is the Internet, as it reaches millions of people all over the world. This medium differs from face-to-face interaction, yet it can contain elements similar in face-to-face interactions through video platforms, such as Skype, FaceTime, and chat rooms (Docan-Morgan & Docan, 2007). Hertlein and Blumer (2014) highlighted similarities and differences between face-to-face and computer-mediated communication.

33 Similarities were noted as self-presentation, shared data, shared nonverbal cues, ritual development, sense of everydayness, emotional intimacy, and shared time interests.

However, differences included self-presentation, which can be heavily edited in computer mediated communication. Data is shared differently face-to-face in person versus through technology. Everydayness is more structured (synchronous versus asynchronous). Emotional intimacy and nonverbal cues are dependent upon emoticons and text (Hertlein & Blumer, 2014).

For the purposes of this section of the review, two areas (defining Internet infidelity and Internet infidelity impact on relationships) were discussed. When defining offline infidelity, terminology is ambiguous. Definitions have been as narrow as engaging in sexual intercourse outside of the committed relationship (Johnson, 1972; Thompson,

1983) and expanding. When expanded, definitions fall into three categories of behavior: sexual, emotional, and a combination of those two behaviors (Glass & Wright, 1992) along with other physical behaviors such as dating, spending time with a different partner, kissing, flirting (i.e., showing romantic interest), or petting (i.e., caressing/sexually stimulating) others (Roscoe, Cavanaugh, & Kennedy, 1988). Further, those who experience infidelity via Facebook had difficulty deciding whether a behavior was inappropriate or not (Cravens et al., 2013).

Many researchers have also found that online infidelity is just as equally diverse.

Definitions including any online activity involving sexuality for the purposes of recreational entertainment, exploration, support, education, commerce, or efforts to

34 secure sexual or romantic partners could be considered infidelity (Cooper & Griffin-

Shelly, 2002). Romantic or sexual contact via the Internet that is interpreted as problematic and unacceptable as a breach of fidelity is considered online infidelity

(Hertlein & Piercy, 2006). One constant element across all modalities of Internet infidelity is secrecy in the form of closing out chat windows when the partner is in close proximity, deleting computer history, erasing online interactions, or pretending to work on something else (Cravens & Whiting, 2014; Hertlein & Piercy, 2006).

Summary

In summary, relational reconnections have been a common phenomenon long before the rise of the Internet and social networking sites. The more technology advances, the more potential it has in becoming an integral part of daily life. When it comes to reconnecting with people from the past, specifically former romantic partners or romantic interests, technology easily makes this a reality. The phenomenon of former romantic partners reconnecting through technology remains underexplored in family science research. Much of the literature broaching the subject seems to be in non-family journals (e.g., communication and technology), which helps little when the phenomenon presents in couples and family therapy. This dissertation seeks to decrease this disparity in research by further exploring the meaning behind the lived experiences.

35 CHAPTER III METHODOLOGY

The current study is a qualitative study exploring a sensitive topic by in-depth, semi-structured interviews utilizing the hermeneutic phenomenology approach.

Hermeneutic phenomenology is a method of reflection on the basic structures of the lived experience of human existence (Van Manen, 2016). Such an approach is used to interpret and describe the human experience of participants who have lived the phenomenon of using technology to reconnect with an old flame/lost love. By selecting this approach, I hoped to explore how participants may perceive the meaning of this phenomenon in their life, specifically within the context of a committed relationship.

Participants shared their own thoughts, feelings, and their perceptions about others who may have been a vital part in the technological reconnection experience. Further, it was my goal as the researcher to explore each participant’s meaning-making process as the result of the reconnection with an old flame/lost love. I aimed to accurately document the lived experience of each participant in the study as they shared their meaning of the lived experience through interview questions and prompts.

Methodological Approach

As one of two main classical approaches guiding psychological research, hermeneutic phenomenology is an interpretive research methodology that focuses on understanding how the meaning of lived experiences is generated and transformed (Chan,

Fung, & Chien, 2013). It is focused on the subjective experiences of people as viewed

36 through their own life world stories (Kafle, 2011). Sometimes described as human science, phenomenology attempts to demonstrate how words, concepts, and theories shape and give structure to lived experiences. It is a method of questioning rather than answering.

Information is gained from a curious stance of wonder, a meaning giving method of inquiring (Van Manen & Van Manen, 2014).

Sampling Procedures and Recruitment Process

Uniquely designed for sociological research, snowball sampling/chain referral sampling is widely used in qualitative research because it enables researchers to sample natural interactional units (Biernacki & Waldorf, 1981). With snowball sampling, participants or others familiar with the study are enlisted to recruit potential participants who may be interested in the study. Snowball sampling is a complementary sampling procedure in qualitative research. It is particularly useful in locating participants when the topic of research is sensitive in nature and concerns a private matter. This often requires insider knowledge to locate people for the study (Biernacki & Waldorf, 1981).

There are some limitations to this sampling method. According to Biernacki and

Waldorf (1981), these include initial recruitment of participants and starting the referral chain, verifying eligibility of potential respondents, engaging respondents as research assistances, controlling the type of respondents, ensuring they meet research criteria, and pacing and monitoring respondents. Other limitations include sampling biases, as participants and respondents tend to nominate people they know well or those who may

37 share similar characteristics with, and thus may be a small subgroup of a population

(Biernacki & Waldorf, 1981).

For this study, I e-mailed a copy of the recruitment flyer (see Appendix A) to colleagues (therapists or my fellow classmates, former and current), peers (former and current coworkers), and acquaintances (my former college professors and coworkers) who were familiar with the study to pass along to others who may be interested in the study. For those respondents who made contact, but did not meet study criteria, I requested that they pass the recruitment flyer (see Appendix A) along to others who may be interested in the study. If they were willing, I further reviewed the study criteria with them. After the interview, participants were asked to pass the recruitment flyer (see Appendix A) along to others who might fulfill study criteria and who might be interested in participating in the study. If they were willing, I further reviewed the study criteria with them as well.

Historically, qualitative research regarding technology habits of adults fulfilled objectives with 20 to 35 to participants. Creswell (1998) recommended 5 to 25 participants for phenomenological studies. The targeted sample for this study was 15 to 20 adults age

18 years or older, who have experienced the phenomenon of reconnecting with an old flame or lost love through an online platform while in a committed couple relationship. It was assumed that data saturation was reached once there were no new emerging themes and hence no new data is being found (Fusch & Ness, 2015).

A recruitment flyer (see Appendix A) was created and a digital copy was electronically mailed to colleagues and acquaintances and they either posted it on SNS

38 (Facebook and Instagram) or I posted it in colleagues and acquaintances Facebook groups for therapists who were willing to share information about the study. An electronic mail message with the recruitment flyer (see Appendix A) attached was sent to colleagues and acquaintances who were willing to share research study information with others who might be interested in participating in the study along with (see Appendix B) e-mail script for colleagues and acquaintances to share recruitment flyer with others.

I responded to inquiries using the phone script (see Appendix C) or the digital script for e-mail (see Appendix D). Both e-mail and phone script shared similar language that consisted of introducing myself, allowing caller or e-mail respondent to ask for information about the study, and a discussion regarding the three criteria for the study. If the caller met criteria and they expressed interest in participating in the study, then an interview was scheduled at a neutral location that was agreeable to both the participant and the interviewer. These locations included public or college libraries, conference rooms, or agency offices, as well as via electronic meeting through teleconferencing platforms such as Skype or Zoom, and via telephone.

An informed consent (see Appendix E) was obtained before participating in any research for this study. The informed consent (see Appendix E) was discussed with participants’ along with their rights, such as participation is voluntary, how information was stored, and who to contact for further information regarding their participation or interest in information about the study. After informed consent was obtained, the participant was given the demographic questionnaire (see Appendix F). The demographic

39 questionnaire (see Appendix F) did not contain any identifying information such as names, phone numbers, birthdates, and only the participant’s alphanumeric code was utilized.

The duration of the interview ranged between 30 minutes to 60 minutes. I drove as far as 2.5 hours one way to meet participants, and if I had participants in the same area or close to the same area, I scheduled them on the same day, scheduling no more than two interviews in a day. I met them in various locations as discussed earlier. For those participants who lived 3 or more hours away, interviews were conducted via electronic meeting or by telephone.

Sample Description

The Demographic Questionnaire (see Appendix F) included questions about the participant demographics that met the requirements set in the study. Seventeen respondents were initially recruited. There were three respondents who did not meet study criteria because they were not in a committed relationship when they experienced a technological reconnection with an old flame/lost love or otherwise did not meet criteria for the study.

After prescreening, 14 of the 17 respondents agreed to interview, but three did not come to their scheduled interview and another backed out after their interview was completed. Therefore, 10 respondents interviewed and participated in this study. Data gathered from these 10 participants on the demographic questionnaire (see Appendix F) indicates that the participants’ ages ranged from 40–76; eight participants were between the ages of 40–49, one was between the ages of 50–59, and one was 70–79. Of the 10 participants, two identified as male and eight identified as female. Of the participants’ race

40 and ethnicity, three identified as Caucasian; three identified as African American, one identified as Hispanic; and three identified as more than one race. Of the participants, six were married; one cohabitating; one single, and two participants were divorced.

The duration of committed relationship with spouse or partner ranged from a minimum of 8 years to a maximum of 25 years. Nine out of 10 participants listed their romantic attraction as heterosexual/straight and one listed their romantic attraction as bisexual. All participants were college educated. Two participants had an associate’s degree; two had bachelor’s degree; five had a master’s degree, and one had a doctoral degree. All participants were employed full time at the time of the study. See Table 1 below:

Table 1

Participants’ Demographics

Number Demographic Characteristics of Participants Age range 40–49 8 50–59 1 70–79 1 Gender Female 8 Male 2 Race/Ethnicity African American/Black 3 Caucasian 3 Hispanic/Latino 1 Other/More than one race 3 Current relationship status

41 Married 6 Cohabitating 1 Single 1 Other 2 Romantic attraction Heterosexual/Straight 9 Bisexual 1 Employment status Full Time 10 Part Time N/A Education level completed Associates Degree 2 Bachelor’s Degree 2 Master’s Degree 5 Doctorate Degree 1

Human Protection of Participants

The research was submitted for approval by Texas Woman’s University

Institutional Review Board (IRB). No data was collected until the study had been approved by the IRB. There was at least one revision approved during the study to allow for electronic meeting. A coding system was used to protect participants’ confidentiality. An alphanumeric code was assigned to each participant. I was the only one with access to any potential identifying information (e.g., name, e-mail addresses, phone numbers, or physical descriptions), which was saved on an encrypted and password protected flash drive.

Participants’ names were included on consent forms, but the assigned alphanumeric codes were included on demographic forms, interview transcripts, and saved audio recordings.

Interview transcripts, audio recordings, consent forms, demographic forms, and a list of participants who requested a summary of the study was kept in a locked filing

42 cabinet in the home office of the researcher. I am the only one with access to this locked filing cabinet. After 4 years from completion of the study, identifiable data, the audio recordings, and transcripts will be permanently deleted and/or destroyed.

Instrumentation

In phenomenological research, the most integral part in data collection/gathering information is the interview process, as the researcher is the instrument (Bevan, 2014;

Creswell, 1998). For this study, two research questions and one overarching interview question located in the interview guide (see Appendix G) was utilized to gather information. The research questions were as follows:

RQ1: What are the lived experiences of people who have been involved in a technological reconnection with an old flame/lost love?

RQ2: In what ways, if any, do technological reconnections with an old flame/lost love impact a committed relationship?

The interview question was:

Please tell me your story about technologically reconnecting with an old flame/lost love using online platforms such as Facebook, Instagram, e-mail, or any online platform.

This was followed by prompts such as:

1) Could you clarify more about that?

2) What else?

3) Absolutely, I could only imagine.

43 4) And by that you mean what?

I also used nonverbal cues such as head nodding and silence when the participant seemed to be processing information or gathering their thoughts.

Conducting a phenomenological interview is a two-tiered method of obtaining descriptions of context and meaning (Bevan, 2014). Broad open-ended questions allow participants the opportunity to extensively express their perceptions of their own lived experiences and being mindful that the participant’s own lifeworld experience is necessary for the interview (Bevan, 2014). My aim was to record participants’ actions, experiences, and meanings in full detail, as truthfully and authentically as possible

(Giorgi, 1997). I did this by transcribing their thoughts and words verbatim and asking for clarification as needed.

The phenomenological interview was the primary method of data collection for this study. It was my goal to make every effort to conduct all interviews in similar settings, using the same questions and prompts to guide each interview from the interview guide (see Appendix G). As the primary instrument of the study, I remained objective, nonjudgmental, and respectful, as participants shared their lived experiences regarding the use of technology to reconnect with an old flame/lost love.

Interview Procedures

Data was collected through a face-to-face, semi-structured in-depth in-person interview or via electronic meeting using one interview question. This question was followed by prompts from the interview guide (see Appendix G) to encourage participants

44 to freely share their narratives. The phenomenological approach to qualitative research was chosen for this study to examine the meaning of participants’ lived experiences regarding the utilization of technology to reconnect with an old flame/lost love during a committed relationship. This committed relationship could have been the current relationship they were in or a previous committed relationship in which this phenomenon may have occurred.

For the six participants who met in person, we met in a quiet, private, neutral location, such as a reserved room in a library, agency meeting room, or a room in a university setting, I used a white noise machine to ensure privacy in an atmosphere conducive to audio recording. Then, I introduced myself to the participant, reviewed the informed consent (see Appendix E), and the participant signed two copies of the informed consent. I kept a copy of the informed consent (see Appendix E) and the participant was given a copy of the informed consent (see Appendix E).

There was a different procedure for informed consent for those who met via electronic meeting or by phone. For those four participants who met via electronic meeting, both demographic questionnaire (see Appendix F) and informed consent (see

Appendix E) were emailed to participants, completed, scanned, and e-mailed back to me at [email protected]. I then printed their signed copy of the informed consent (see

Appendix E) for my records.

After informed consent was reviewed and obtained, I administered a brief demographic questionnaire (see Appendix F) to participants. Participants had the options

45 of either reading the information and filling it out for themselves, or I assisted them by reading the questionnaire and recording their responses during the interview. Two participants chose to record their responses for demographic questionnaire (see Appendix

F) with my assistance.

A referral list (see Appendix H) of mental health providers was provided for participants due to the sensitive topic of the study. In addition, I allowed time for additional questions or discussion for concerns by asking each participant if there were any further questions after the demographic form was completed and before recording started. I informed each participant that the interview started once recording began. I followed the interview guide (see Appendix G) to conduct the interview.

Once recording commenced, the participant was asked the interview question followed by prompts for clarification and interview progression using the interview guide

(see Appendix G). I assumed participants spoke candidly about their lived experience with this phenomenon. If participants needed any further clarification about the interview process, research purpose, or questions I asked of them from the guided interview, this information was provided at any time during the interview process. For example, one participant asked to stop the recording process for further clarification of the meaning of old flame/lost love. I then read the definition provided in Chapter I of this study. He also asked about sharing more than one story, which was also common theme across all participants in the study. Once the participant was ready, he then prompted me when to proceed with the recording of the interview.

46 During two of the scheduled interviews, there was equipment malfunction and the participant could not get the camera to turn on during electronic meeting. We then switched to phone to complete the interview. For the other participant, I needed to move the microphone a little closer to record her, as she had a low voice when she spoke. Once this was finished, the interview continued. For those who interviewed via phone, background noise was an issue, as a siren blared in the background. All questioning was paused until the siren passed, and questions or comments were repeated when needed.

The phenomenological researcher follows the cues of the participants instead of a pre-determined set of questions that might have led the participant (Chan et al., 2013). I utilized a semi-structured interview freeing myself to probe interesting areas arising from participants’ interests or apprehensions. If a participant used colloquial speech, I would prompt for more clarify of meaning. Examples during various interviews included sentiments, such as ‘wanted that,’ or ‘satisfy my curiosity’ or ‘reputation to keep’.

I used field notes to record observable data such as nonverbal cues, participant’s appearance, participants’ disposition upon greeting, scenery, and the possible impact my presence may have had on the environment. I also documented any unexpected technical difficulties such as equipment failure, unexpected visitors, or interruptions. For this study, I kept a diary/journal and I also used jottings and field notes proper to trigger my recall after the interview was completed. For notes or jottings immediately after the interview, I would write them either at the location of interview after the participant left,

47 or in my car immediately after the interview. I also used the same alphanumeric code or participant number to organize my notes, as I completed each interview.

Bernard (2006) recommends taking four types of field notes. These include jottings, a diary, a log, and field notes proper. Jottings or scratch notes are helpful in triggering recall after the interview process (Bernard, 2006). Keeping a diary based on the researcher’s observations and personal emotions assists in providing insight into possible biases in the research itself.

Keeping a running log of time spent or planned was also helpful to me as I kept track of the duration of the interview, deadlines I set for myself, and noted clarifying questions during the interview I may have had for participants if needed. Bernard (2006) recommends writing up field notes immediately after the interview process.

At the conclusion of the interview, I announced the completion of the interview and stopped recording. I asked each participant if there were any final questions. I also asked the participant to take a copy of the research flyer to pass along to others they might know who would be interested in the study. I thanked all participants for their participation in this study. It was my goal to personally transcribe each interview within the first 24 hours of recording it, as this was also helpful in accurately documenting each participant’s lived experience and trigger my own recollection of the interview.

Data Analysis Procedures

All interviews were reviewed and transcribed verbatim by me within the first 24 hours of recording interviews. As I coded data, I also wrote jottings along the margins of

48 the transcripts or in the same diary/journal that I kept. Field notes of nonverbal gestures, pauses, and researcher recall were added to transcripts. After transcription of each interview was completed, I organized and verified the data from each interview by comparing each written transcript with listening to the audio recording and notating any inaudible areas in recording. For those participants with missing data, they were contacted again via phone, electronic meeting, or in person, and then asked to clarify any missing data if they could remember and/or the audio recording was also played back, if needed. I wrote the additional information from each participant in the margins of the transcript and read it back to the participant for accuracy. After the participant confirmed this information, I began initial coding analysis of transcripts in batches of two.

A combination of manual coding using Excel and auto-coding through the qualitative data analysis software, NVivo 12, were utilized for thematic and coding analysis. For this study, NVivo 12 software was useful in organizing, annotating, searching through, and displaying qualitative data. Before I imported transcripts, each portion of the document was assigned a paragraph style. For example, repetitive data such as the interview question and prompts, and labels such as participant number, date, time, and location, were given a normal text style, so it would not contaminate data collected from participants’ interviews for analysis.

Participants interviews were then given the same heading style and paragraphs were arranged into container nodes and assigned categories based on the percentage code in categories generated. Categories were generated by sentiments such as positive,

49 negative, or neutral/mixed. Manual coding was then used for further categorization of data until themes emerged.

According to Leech and Onwuegbuzie (2011), most researchers using qualitative data analysis software utilize the software to conduct some form of constant comparison analysis. Doing so may limit the researcher in finding emerging codes and other types of relationships in the data may be overlooked. However, NVivo assists the researcher in conducting several types of analyses, which may be useful in identifying any underlying themes or relationships within the data (Leech & Onwuegbuzie, 2011). For this study, I used NVivo 12 container nodes to organize data into categories along with line by line manual coding of all transcripts for constant comparison until themes emerged.

Ten phenomenological in-depth interviews are the primary source of research data in the study, supported with field notes and demographic questionnaires. After I transcribed the audio recordings, I then started each audio recording over, listened to it, and checked it against data transcribed for accuracy in content, making corrections, as needed. After every two interviews, the two interviews were coded manually for emerging themes. The transcript was carefully analyzed for content and each participant’s response was examined and holistically coded. Following this methodology, I ensured the phenomenological approach was embedded throughout the data collection process of research conducted. Any changes in the interview procedure throughout the course of the study are provided in the interview guide (see Appendix G).

50 For this study, all interviews were transcribed and manually coded during open coding and analyzed in batches of two participants for the purpose of analysis before moving on to additional participants. Saldaña (2016) suggested when working with multiple participants, coding one participant’s data first then progressing to the second participant’s data may be helpful, as the second data set will influence recoding of the first and subsequent participant’s data. I coded each batch and analyzed for categories or themes using Excel. Probing and clarifying questions were added to the interview method aiding in the completion of all interviews. Details of additional questions from open coding analysis throughout the interview process are listed in detail in the interview guide (see Appendix

G).

Next, transcripts were uploaded into computer software, NVivo 12 for additional analysis to determine codes and themes. Each interview was again coded automatically and manually using the software and compared to the initial manual coding completed during data collection for the purposes of triangulating data. I ran a word cloud query of the most frequent words utilized among participants to identify any other possible themes. The paragraph section headers following indicate emerging themes according to the research questions.

Initially, holistic coding was utilized to analyze data by highlighting and coding related textual content into potential categories and identifying themes. Saldaña (2016) refers to holistic coding as an initial approach to coding data units or chunks of data before a more thorough coding or categorization process is utilized through first or second cycle

51 methods. Next, In Vivo coding was employed, using short phrases in the participant’s own language as codes. Doing so honors the essence of the lived experiences of participants, further leading to a richer context and theme development (Saldaña, 2016). Manual coding was also used for the purposes of triangulating data. I kept fields notes that were completed immediately after the interview along with preliminary jottings during data collection to help trigger my recall for future reference (Saldaña, 2016).

Constant comparison was utilized at each level of analysis to further extract data until themes emerged. Vignettes from individual interviews were used to emphasize significant themes as they related to the meaning of the phenomenon, as well as holistic analyses of keywords, phrases and repetition in details of meaning to identify themes. Once common themes were identified between participants, I was able to holistically examine the meaning of participants’ experiences.

Credibility

To improve credibility for this study, I verified transcripts with participants via telephone or I played back audio recordings for participants, as desired and when there were inaudible areas in the recording from background noise. I also verified information with participants throughout the interview process with either probing or clarifying questions. In addition, I enlisted the help of a peer reviewer. The peer reviewer is an individual who has had graduate level coursework in advanced qualitative research. She initially assisted me in arranging data into categories during manual coding.

52 The peer reviewer and I met weekly for approximately one hour to discuss the study in detail and the content of all transcripts. During each meeting, sentiments from transcripts were explored (e.g., whether they were positive, negative or neutral).

Transcripts were then categorized based on those sentiments. The peer reviewer was provided three copies of interview transcripts and field notes. There were no identifying data included in the transcripts or notes. The peer reviewer independently analyzed data, coded data, and explored themes. The peer reviewer’s analysis was compared with my analysis and how themes related to each research question. Once analyses were completed, the peer reviewer and I met 1 hour per week for 4 weeks to discuss and reconcile any differences regarding emerging themes.

Summary

In summary, this qualitative study examined the phenomenon of using technology to reconnect with old flames/lost love during a committed relationship. Specific attention was focused on participants’ lived experience and their meaning making regarding technologically reconnecting with an old flame/lost love during a committed relationship.

The original goal was to collect data from 15 to 20 participants who met the criteria for the study. However, only 17 potential participants responded to recruitment efforts, and after screening and scheduling, only 10 completed the interview.

This study utilized two research questions and one interview question with prompts. I audio recorded the interviews and transcribed them verbatim. I then analyzed transcripts for themes as they emerged during the data analysis.

53 CHAPTER IV RESULTS

This chapter contains a review and analysis of information derived from face-to- face in depth semi-structured interviews with 10 participants selected for this phenomenological qualitative study. The interviews were examined in relation to the following research questions:

RQ1: What are the lived experiences of people who have been involved in a technological reconnection with an old flame/lost love?

RQ2: In what ways, if any, do technological reconnections with an old flame/lost love impact a committed relationship?

There were four themes that emerged addressing the lived experiences of participants involved in the researched phenomenon of technologically reconnecting with an old flame/lost love. The themes were as follows: (a) Closing a Chapter in Life, (b)

Reminiscing and Catching Up, (3) Rekindled Romances and Love Affairs, and (d)

Playing Regrets/The One Who Got Away. These themes were coded by participant’s motivation for reconnecting with an old flame/lost love or the reason why an old flame/lost love reconnected with the participant, and how each theme related to both research questions.

Each theme was illustrated with direct quotations from participants. The majority of participants mentioned one or more of the descriptors included in the coding process, when sharing their lived experience of reconnecting with their old flame/lost love. Any

54 other sentiments or phrases from participants were also illustrated with direct quotations from participants. These will be explored later in this chapter.

Research Question #1

What are the lived experiences of people who have been involved in a technological

reconnection with an old flame/lost love?

Theme One: Closing a Chapter in Life

Closure was an underlying theme for six participants. These participants shared their experiences of using technology to reconnect with an old flame/lost love and the meaning of the phenomenon occurring in their lives during a committed relationship.

One participant shared her experience when her old flame/lost love reconnected with her.

He basically told me all the things I needed to hear to heal my heart. I

thought about him all the time. There is going to always be love in my

heart for him. He was my first love. He still contacts me through Facebook

from time to time, and my heart still flutters. I think there is a lot to be said

about teenage love. (Participant #1, Female, Age 76)

Another participant shared her experience of what it was like reaching out to her old flame/lost love.

I kinda came to realize um, like I dodged a bullet, maybe, just listening to

his stories about his past relationship and what happened after me, and

what I thought I would have had with him… I was not ready. I would have

ended up with my heart broken. (Participant #9, Female, Age 50)

55 One participant shared what it was like for him to be denied closure when he reconnected with an old flame/lost love.

What I would like to have been able to do was to just share with her that,

hey, it had nothing to do with you. It wasn’t that I wasn’t interested,

because I am pretty sure that is what she thought, I was just inexperienced,

and I didn’t know how – I thought that pretty much she would laugh at

that. How do I tell somebody that I’m inexperienced? (Participant #2,

Male, Age 47)

Another participant shared a moment of closure with an old flame/lost love that he never had a chance to date, but he reconnected with her through social media.

I had told her that I had a crush on her, and it was, I was able to, through

social media, I was able to tell her you know for the longest time I had a

crush on you. We never went out or never had a chance, so you know, I

just had to get this off my chest. (Participant #5, Male, Age 46)

As stated earlier, most participants reported receiving some form of closure from reconnecting with their old flame/lost love using technology. The remaining participants shared sentiments included explaining past actions to their old flame/lost love or the old flame/lost love explaining their past actions to participant.

56 Theme Two: Reminiscing and Catching Up

All participants discussed some form of reminiscing about old times and catching up or attempting to catch up on current events when they technologically reconnected with their old flame/lost love. Sentiments included talking for hours to catch up, taking several weeks to catch up to being asked “21 questions” also known as prying for information according to one participant, to remaining friends through social media. Nine out of 10 participants reported remaining friends through social media after reconnecting with their old flame/lost love. None of the participants who remained friends with their old flame/lost love reported sharing this information with their committed partner during the reconnection experience.

One participant shared his experience upon initial contact with his old flame/lost love through a social media platform.

I hadn’t heard from her in years, never thought about contacting her or

nothing like that I mean, whatever, and I get a Facebook friendship

request. It didn’t ring a bell and I asked her how she knew me. I messaged

her back after she told me and then I said I remembered her. We

exchanged some memories, whatever and I asked her what she was doing,

and she asked me what I was doing. We caught up a little and at first; she

seemed so excited until she found out I was married and had children. And

then it seemed like everything, her excitement went from, ‘Oh, I’m happy

that I found you’ to nothing else. You can tell by the change in dialogue

57 after that. The curiosity wasn’t there anymore. There was no more

messaging me or asking me anything. (Participant #2, Male, Age 47)

Another participant shared her experience of using technology via e-mail to reconnect with her old flame/lost love as a confidant during a difficult moment in her life.

He found me by my e-mail address and reached out to me and e-mailed

me, so we started kinda of e-mailing back and forth. I’d always felt safe

with him and he was my first love, so I felt safe sharing things with him,

you know about being unhappy and he would just kind of listen. He never

encouraged me to leave my husband or anything like that. (Participant #4,

Female, Age 44)

One participant shared her narrative about reconnecting with an old flame/lost love who shared his feelings of regret and curiosity about her over the years.

We sort of started messaging back and forth and he was very friendly

because we were always friends. We ended up meeting in person with a

group of people. We talked for a while and he aired some information that

he hadn’t shared previously. I was like that would have been smart of you

to tell me that 10 years ago, before I got married. Yeah, we’re still friends,

nothing ever came of it. Occasionally, we send messages to each other,

something flirty, but nothing untoward. (Participant #6, Female, Age 45)

Another participant shared more of his experience of reconnecting with and old flame/lost love even if it meant friendship only.

58 I found her and we started communicating and we just, not reconnected,

but you know just kinda never left each other’s lives, but we were able to

communicate and see how things were going, you know. And, it just kinda

went from an old high school sweetheart situation to modern day friends

where it’s easy to connect and contact and see how she’s doing and how

her family is doing. (Participant #5, Male, Age 46).

Theme Three: Rekindled Romances and Love Affairs

Three participants shared their experiences of rekindling the romance with their old flame/lost love after a technological reconnection experience. One participant’s family approved of the participant and old/flame lost love reconnecting where the other two participants’ families did not know about the reconnection experience, had reservations about it, and/or did not approve of the participant reconnecting with their old flame/lost love.

During that time while we were separated, my ex had come back to town

and we reconnected in person. I really thought that he still cared about me

and we were going to give this a try, but he was living with another

woman. He would come over and spend the night, so I thought things

were going to happen between us, and I was willing to try. He was still

committed to her, so that hurt me because I thought he was coming back

to me because he loved me and wanted to be with me. (Participant 4,

Female, Age 44)

59 Another participant shared her reconnection experience through Facebook after

reviewing a post on Facebook about hidden messages.

Somebody put on Facebook that you might have hidden messages or

messages that like aren’t coming through and this is how you find them. I

was like, ‘I ain’t got no hidden messages.’ So, one day I was like let me

check. The last message was from a guy. He was like, ‘Hi, you don’t know

me. We have someone in common. They’re looking for you and they don’t

know how to find you. I’m his cousin. The kicker is it had been sitting in

my message box for four years! So, I looked at it for about a month I was

in shock for a while, that’s why it took me a minute to reach out to him

once I did see the message. (Participant #7, Female, Age 47)

The participant then shared that this led to a rekindled romance between her and her old/flame/lost love. She visited him and eventually relocated across country to be near him to enable them to further explore their technological reconnection experience.

So, we’re a little different, but it’s still that natural and organic dealing

with and when talking to one another. When I showed up with my bags,

and my luggage, I was like hey, here I am. Whatcha gonna do now? So,

I’ve been here about month and a half now. It was literally a no brainer.

Like, once the decision [was made] . . . everything fell into place.

(Participant #7, Female, Age 47).

60 Research Question #2

In what ways, if any, do technological reconnections with an old flame/lost love

impact a committed relationship?

When speaking about how a technological reconnection with an old flame/lost love impacted their committed relationship, four participants shared their experience. One participant shared what dynamics were like while rekindling romance with her old flame/lost love after a technological reconnection while in a committed relationship.

I never had that type of intense excitement towards him, my husband, like I

had towards this person. Yeah, I didn’t realize that before. My husband is

not good at giving me desirable attention … he doesn’t make me feel like he

wants me. I didn’t want to become that emotionally attached to my old

flame. I don’t want to do that-when I did that, I became mean to my

husband. It was almost to the point that I was pushing him and wanting him

to go away so I can have this thing over here that I was playing with without

being touted as that bad person. (Participant #8, Female, Age 40)

Another participant shared her experience about the quality of her relationship with her ex-husband when she technologically reconnected with her old flame/lost love.

I think I began to distance myself from my husband a little bit more. I

started realizing I can be happy when I am talking to this person and I am

61 miserable with my husband. And finally, I told him that I was going to

move out. (Participant #4, Female, Age 44)

The next participant shared that the quality of her relationship was already on the decline when she technologically reconnected with her old flame/lost love.

I would ride to work with this person, and he liked me, but I was in a

relationship. He left and contacted me years later through e-mail. I just

liked his company. He showed interest in me, would say nice things about

how I looked, talked about my career, you know just showed genuine

interest, whereas my significant other was kinda jealous about everything.

The quality of the relationship was kinda going down already, so when you

have somebody who shows interest in you, you want that. (Participant #3,

Female, Age 44)

Another participant expressed annoyance when she reconnected with her old flame/lost love. She shared her experience about him reaching out to her through social media. The relationship had ended on bad terms at their last point of contact, 17 years prior to reconnecting.

I had one who kept sending me friend requests. I kept deleting them. He

was the last person on Earth I wanted to hear from. I told him I was married,

but he wanted to be friends anyway. I had to get my husband involved for

him to get the picture, and that’s when that stopped. He was kind of a

stalker in the past. (Participant #10, Female, Age 46)

62 The participant further spoke about how long it took her to respond to her old flame/lost love’s technological reconnection attempts, thankful that she had time to think about her reaction before responding. According to Quinn (2013), asynchronous communication allows an advantage to those individuals who are on the receiving end of a technological reconnection attempt to process emotional conflict and an appropriate response to relationships that may have ended on a sour note.

Theme Four: Playing Regrets/The One Who Got Away

Five out of 10 participants shared sentiments regarding regrets either on their part or as expressed to them by their old flame/lost love during the reconnection experience.

There were three participants who shared their regrets after experiencing a technological reconnection with an old flame/lost love. The first participant shared her most significant experience of reconnecting with an old flame/lost love through a social media platform,

Facebook.

At first, it was very cordial, old just catching up conversation and because

of the nature of our relationship, we always had a very intense connection

with each other, and with that, I think there were only three men that I

actively dated that I would have pitted against each other as being men who

I could have long-term been with one was my husband, one was him [old

flame/lost love], and one was another guy, my college boyfriend. And um,

throughout my marriage, though, if I ever played regrets, those regrets were

63 and have always between him and my husband – like what would it have

been like had I stayed with him? (Participant #8, Female, Age 40)

The next participant shared what it was like using technology to reconnect with her old flame/lost love on Facebook.

It was just weird. It was crazy cause it has been, I mean gosh, let’s see, like

30 years or something. It was always, I guess, like an unresolved thing in

my life. I just never heard from him again. If I had found him at any point

prior to being with my husband, I think I definitely would have tried to

rekindle all of that. I guess, I always felt that was one that should have

happened, or I should have been with or whatever. We talked for hours, and

hours, and hours every night for like weeks, getting caught up. He wanted to

get together in person. I didn’t. My [current] marriage was really good . . . .

If I had found him, when I was with my ex-husband, which was not a good

relationship, then yeah, definitely I would have. (Participant #9, Female,

Age 50)

The last participant spoke of a fleeting regret when her old flame/lost love expressed to her that she was “the one who got away.”

It was kind of I suppose that its …that’s the only one that ever sort of

made me like I don’t know, sort of re-evaluate where I am, make sure

that’s actually where I wanted to be. He was like ‘you were the one who

got away’ you know. [I’m like] you probably should have mentioned that

64 before, but then, I think what tends to happen is that as it start to get, you

know, if we start talking and things get a little bit more personal then one

of us tends to back off. (Participant #6, Female, Age 45)

As stated earlier, all participants shared that they had more than one narrative involving technological reconnection experience with an old flame/lost love. Positive sentiments included phrases such as:

There is going to always be love in my heart for him. He was my first

love. He still contacts me via Facebook from time to time, and my heart

still flutters. (Participant #1, Female, Age 76)

I would say I have always cared for him, always worried about him.

(Participant #4, Female, Age 44)

When you love somebody, even when you’re not together, you are always

going to love them in some form or fashion, care for them, care for their

well-being, if they’re okay, they’re doing well - you know everything

worked out for them, even though it didn’t work out for you. You still

want them to be happy (Participant #5, Male, Age 46)

Other participants described their experiences with technologically

reconnecting with their old flame/lost love with the following descriptive

words or phrases: “weird”, “awkward”, “strange”, “addictive”, “like

meeting each other all over again,” “intoxicating,” “lustful,” “organic,”

“just natural,” “ending a huge cliffhanger in my life for 30 years,” “a

65 physical reaction, like adrenaline, like I was just so nervous, and I don’t

know why,” “he was like frozen as this perfect boyfriend and it

[reconnecting] really had the effect of humanizing him…”

Another sentiment shared by a participant included:

It’s a strange situation. We just kinda of look at each other like ‘is this really

happening?’ A little bit of disbelief, still on both of our ends because neither one

of us kinda ever thought that this would happen. (Participant #7, Female, Age 47).

Many participants reported that they were either looking for their old flame/lost

love over the years through social media, family, and friends or their old flame/lost

love was looking for them during the years. One participant shared what it was like

knowing that she was not alone in her desire to reconnect with her old flame/lost love.

The fact that he had looked for me, you know too, that made me feel good

actually, cause I’m like okay, it wasn’t all one-sided. (Participant #9,

Female, Age 50)

The participant went on and shared that she did view his profile information,

which provided information about her old flame’s life and vice versa. Quinn (2013)

refers to this as an asymmetric reconnection to satisfy one’s curiosity and not

necessarily in the interest of a reconnection experience using technology.

Summary

In summary, this chapter contains the results of the study. Ten participants were interviewed for this phenomenological study. The interview was semi-structured with one

66 open-ended interview question with prompts as needed. There were four emerging themes highlighted with direct quotations from participant. These themes were as follows: (a) Closing a Chapter in Life, (b) Reminiscing and Catching Up, (c) Rekindled

Romances and Love Affairs, and (d) Playing Regrets/The One Who Got Away.

The most prominent theme for this study was reminiscing and catching up, with all participants responding or sharing sentiments under this theme. The second most prominent was closing a chapter in life with six participants reporting closure as a result of reconnecting with their old/flame lost love. Half of the participants expressed regrets or regrets were expressed to them from their old flame/lost love after their reconnection experience using technology. The least prominent theme of the study was rekindled romances and love affairs with three participants reporting this as the result of reconnecting with their old flame/lost love using technology.

67 CHAPTER V

DISCUSSION

The purpose of this phenomenological study was to explore technological reconnections with old flames/lost loves and how such reconnections may have influenced the quality and stability of the current or most recent couple relationship. This chapter includes a discussion of the major findings as they relate to the literature regarding rekindled romances, reconnecting through online platforms (e.g., social media or e-mail), and communication activities between former romantic partners. In addition, a brief discussion about Bowen family systems theory and how it may relate to this phenomenon is included in this chapter. The chapter concludes with a discussion regarding the limitations of the study, clinical implications, and a brief summary.

This chapter also contains discussion about future implications for research to assist in answering the research questions:

RQ1: What are the lived experiences of people who have been involved in a technological reconnection with an old flame/lost love?

RQ2: In what ways, if any, do technological reconnections with an old flame/lost love impact a committed relationship?

The lived experience of using technology to reconnect with an old flame/lost love may be thought of as a unique occurrence to the individual who has experienced the phenomenon unfolding in their own lives. However, for this qualitative study, the meaning of the phenomenon comprised of four emerging themes: (a) Closing a Chapter

68 in Life, (b) Reminiscing and Catching Up, (c) Rekindled Romances and Love Affairs, and (d) Playing Regrets/The One Who Got Away.

Interpretation of the Findings

While each participant had their own unique experience with the phenomenon of using technology to reconnect with their old flame/lost love, all participants had more than one narrative to share. All participants in the study were middle age to older adults who used technology to reconnect with an old flame/lost love. The phenomenon of reconnecting with old flames/lost love may be unique to people in this age group because their formative years were not influenced by social media or any online platforms (Quinn,

2013). However, the lack of response from younger people to participate in the study may be in part due to their use of social media to maintain interpersonal relationships versus their older counterparts who use it to revive dormant ties (Quinn, 2013).

Further, there were four prominent themes among the participants of the study along with common characteristics among their old flame/lost love initiating a technological reconnection with them. Each theme has unique dynamics associated with it, as well as the meaning participants associated with their own unique experiences.

These themes are described in further detail in the following sections.

Theme 1: Closing a Chapter in Life

The second most prominent theme in this study was closing a chapter in life with six participants reporting closure as a result of using technology to reconnect with their old/flame lost love. When reconnecting with people in general, the relationship

69 reconnection phenomenon using online platforms has been identified as a prominent factor in the motivation of middle age and older adults to use emerging technologies

(Quinn, 2013). The reconnection experience is the most likely driving force behind older adults adopting social media and online platforms to reconnect with old flames/lost loves

(Stutzman et al., 2009). According to Quinn (2013), “past identity awareness along with a well-developed sense of self are both presented in midlife and are invoked and accentuated in the reconnection process” (p. 407). Social networking sites, such as

Facebook and Instagram offer a variety of ways to incorporate multiple viewpoints of past and present. Most information is either gathered through available profile information, updates, comments/posts, or reacting with emoticons in certain social media groups (Quinn, 2013).

In this study, participants expressed closure as a motivator of reconnecting with an old flame/lost love. This was the case whether they were the initiator in the technological reconnection experience, or the recipient of the technological reconnection attempts from an old flame/lost love. Several participants spoke about unresolved issues before using technology to reconnect with their old flame/lost love. Sentiments such as being a huge cliffhanger in one’s life, never hearing from the old flame/lost love again, never knowing what happened or why, lack of family approval, or simply losing touch after relocating for college, employment, or military enlistment. Participants in Kalish’s

1997 Lost Love project reported similar sentiments and situations as participants in the current study.

70 Theme 2: Reminiscing and Catching Up

The most prominent theme for this study was reminiscing and catching up, with all participants responding or sharing sentiments under this theme. Participants shared looking up an old flame/lost love, but never reconnecting. They were simply curious about the happenings in their old flame/lost love’s life, but not necessarily in reconnecting with them. Quinn (2013) referred to this as social monitoring. Most participants in Quinn’s study reported gaining information was sufficient in satisfying their curiosity.

In this study, one participant shared that once he caught up with his old flame/lost love, the curiosity was gone and there was no further interaction between them besides the occasional liking a photo, a general comment, or wishing each other a happy birthday.

Another participant shared that once she caught up with her old flame/lost love, she deactivated that account, but before then, there was the occasional direct message to wish each other’s families well. Other participants shared that they have remained friends through social media after reconnecting with their old flame/lost love, but never meeting up with them in person.

Theme 3: Rekindled Romances and Love Affairs

The least prominent theme of the current study was rekindled romances and love affairs with three participants reporting this as the result of reconnecting with their old flame/lost love using technology. These participants reported rekindling a romance after reconnecting with an old flame/lost love through social media or other online platforms.

71 Kalish (1997) required participants for her study to have rekindled a romance as one of the criteria for her study.

Social media and online platforms eliminate much of the financial stressors of reconnecting with former lovers compared to Kalish’s study. During that time, telephone was the instant modality of contact, which was relied upon for long-distance relationships, combined with regular mail. Kalish (1997) shared that several of her members reported having phone bills averaging several hundred dollars, along with the expense of traveling to see a lost lover. With the exception of the one participant who moved to be with her old flame/lost love, the majority of participants reported no financial costs associated with reconnecting with their old flame/lost love. Several social media platforms provide synchronous and asynchronous components to facilitate the maintenance of long-distance relationships through technology easier and much more affordable than it was in the past. (Hassenzahl et al., 2012).

For this study, the average duration of no contact between participants and their old flame/lost love before reconnecting with them through technology was between 6 and

30 years. As stated earlier, three participants’ technological reconnection experiences resulted in rekindling a romance or a love affair. According to Kalish (1997) those who rekindle romance are risk-takers and rekindled romances proceeded faster than their new romance counterparts because they did not passively wait around for the chance to reconnect during a reunion year. In her study they wrote a letter with one fifth of her participants reconnecting in this way. In this study, one participant who seemed to fit the

72 category of a risk taker shared that she and her old flame/lost love rekindled their romance after 30 years of no contact and shared her sentiment as follows:

So, when I made this decision, everybody was looking at me like, what …

but I’ve always been the rebel anyway. I was just pretty much gonna do

what I wanted to do anyway. I’ve always been that way. So, they were like

oh, there she goes again. So, I was like yeah, by the way, I’m moving to

Cali. (Participant #7, Female, Age 47)

Even with this fast process between the two, it may not be a reason for families and friends to worry (Kalish, 1997). Such relationships are not reliant on sharing resources or constant contact. Past activity alone can accelerate the progression and strengthening of relationships resulting from technological reconnections (Quinn, 2013).

One participant shared her sentiments about her rekindled romance experience reconnecting with her old flame/lost love.

. . . I thought things were going to happen between us, and I was willing to

[try], you know? (Participant #4, Female, Age 46 )

Kalish (2003) did not condone married persons having any contact with their lost loves, as such reunions were generally not successful and devastating for spouses and families involved. In this study, one participant shared that she thought she could keep the old flame/lost love compartmentalized. However, she found herself unexpectedly in an emotional affair, which then led to physical contact. This finding was similar among participants in Kalish’s 2005–2006

73 research after the World Wide Web, as most participants in her study believed they could carry on affairs until they decided between keeping their marriage versus exploring a future with their old flames/lost loves (Kalish, 2006).

This study required participants to have simply experienced the phenomenon of using technology to reconnect with an old flame/lost love while in a committed relationship. Some may label this phenomenon as an infidelity activity, as in the significant other may not be aware of the reconnection experience having occurred at all.

Only one participant in this study classified her rekindled romance as an infidelity activity. Not all experiences in this study led to rekindled romances or love affairs.

For those who chose not to reconnect with an old flame/lost love in this study, it was mainly attributed to bad memories, as shared by one participant who stated she did not desire to hear from an old flame/lost love who stalked her in the past. Another participant shared that that once she did reconnect, she felt she dodged a bullet. This aligned with Kalish’s non-rekindlers who did not understand why anyone would want to reconnect or rekindled romance with an old flame/lost love (Kalish, 2006).

Theme 4: Playing Regrets/The One Who Got Away

For this study, half of the participants expressed regrets or regrets were expressed to them from their old flame/lost love after reconnecting using technology. Of those who participated in this study, several heard from their old flame/lost love that they had made a huge mistake letting them go in the first place or they were the one who got away.

These participants shared sentiments such as if timing had been different, choosing the

74 wrong spouse, or what life might have been for them had they remained together in the first place, or had they married their old flame/lost love.

Kalish (2003) referred to playing regrets as ambiguous loss or love interrupted.

Ambiguous loss, originally defined by Boss (1999), can simply be the result of the relationship terminating because of relocation, military duties, and young adults leaving home. Relationships terminating around these events often occur without closure, resulting in lingering questions of what could have been if only things were different

Kalish, 2003).

Implications for Theory and Research

Bowen family systems theory, particularly differentiation of self, seemed to be a significant factor in this study, specifically in the way participants navigated the phenomenon of using technology to reconnect with an old flame/lost love. For example, nine out of 10 participants in this study did not share with their significant other that they were in contact with an old flame/lost love at the time the phenomenon occurred in their lives. For those participants who did share the reason why, sentiments such as the spouse already knew about this person, the reconnection experience was not significant enough to tell, or simply not knowing how to explain their own need for autonomy to navigate the phenomenon were expressed.

The well differentiated person has been provided opportunities of developmentally appropriate autonomy from their family of origin, maintaining mutual respect and intimacy (Chunn & MacDermid, 1997). According to Bowen (1978), people

75 deal with their unresolved emotional attachments to parents and others in a variety of ways. This degree of unresolved emotional attachment is related to the level of differentiation.

Differentiation of self is a way of thinking into a way of being, with the goal of a higher level of differentiation (Kerr & Bowen, 1988). “Such changes are reflected in the ability to be in emotional contact with a difficult, emotionally charged problem and not feel compelled to preach about what others “should” do, not rush in to fix the problem, and not pretend to be detached by emotionally insulating oneself” (Kerr & Bowen, 1988, p. 108). Once social relationships become significant, they usually duplicate the patterns found in one’s family of origin (Bowen, 1978).

In this study, almost all technological reconnection experiences in this study were with old flames/lost loves who were from the participants’ adolescent years. This is a significant finding in that this is the stage of life when people typically begin to gain autonomy and control. Therefore, differentiation of self from family of origin may be most significant during this life stage (Chunn & MacDermid, 1997). At midlife/middle adulthood, self-esteem is higher despite multiple role changes (e.g., children leaving home, being left with an empty nest, aging parents, and career transitions; Quinn, 2013).

Limitations of the Study

It should be noted that this study has potential limitations. The sample size of this study consisted of 10 participants who had experienced the phenomenon of reconnecting with an old flame/lost love while in a committed relationship through technological

76 means. The majority of participants were female. Most participants identified as heterosexual and married, which may not be generalizable to other marginalized groups or to those who may have experienced the phenomenon of using technology to reconnect with an old flame/lost love, but not during a committed relationship.

Another limitation of the study includes the small sample size itself. All age groups were not fully represented in the study, as all participants were middle aged or older. Participants were recruited through other participants/snowball sampling. As stated earlier, there are some limitations to this sampling method, specifically sampling biases, as participants and respondents tend to nominate people they know well or those who share similar characteristics with them, and thus may be a small subgroup of a population is only represented in the data (Biernacki & Waldorf, 1981).

Recommendations for Future Research

Recommendations for future research include studying a larger, more diverse population of men, age groups, genders, and sexual attractions to add to the demographics of the study. In addition, including those individuals who may not have been in a committed relationship during the occurrence of the phenomenon could be helpful in providing further insight about the lived experience of using technology to reconnect with an old flame/lost love, thereby contributing to the findings of the current study.

While qualitative research was used to explore the phenomenon of using technology to reconnect with an old flame/lost love for this study, qualitative research

77 instruments, such as the interview, is not designed to capture hard facts (e.g., prevalence rate of the phenomenon) across a larger, more inclusive sample. Mixed methods may result in a fuller more complete and richer picture of the phenomenon, not only across diverse people in a committed relationship, but across diverse people in general, regardless of relationship status during which the phenomenon may have occurred in their lives.

Utilizing other sampling techniques such as stratified random sampling to explore subgroups across diverse people may be useful in the recruitment of a larger sample size and in identifying outliers and subgroups among diverse participants (Patton, 2015).

Purposeful random sampling can also be useful in adding credibility to smaller studies that may not be generalizable to larger populations of people (Patton, 2015).

Further, a focus on relationship quality and other dynamics in the committed relationship may be helpful in understanding the motivation/desire behind utilizing technology to reconnect with such a significant person as an old flame/lost love.

Attachment theory (Bowlby, 1969) can also be a useful theoretical lens in exploring the phenomenon of reconnecting with old flames/lost loves using technology, as well as life course theory to further research the prevalence of the phenomenon of reconnecting with an old flame/lost love across the life span.

Clinical Implications for Practice

Implications for marriage and family therapists and other helping professionals include exploring the influence of technology in the therapeutic relationship and how it

78 may present in clinical practice. Clinicians are trained to remain neutral, nonjudgmental, and leave biases at the door, as people who seek therapeutic services are sharing their vulnerabilities. While exploring this topic, I came across assumptions in literature, particularly labeling the phenomenon of reconnecting with an old flame/lost love as an infidelity activity (Kalish, 2003). This was one of several themes that I found, but it may be careless to label all occurrences as such or to even label them at all. Another assumption included that reconnecting with an old flame/lost love using online platforms almost always ended in some type of infidelity (Kalish, 2003).

Humans are meaning-making beings (Bowen, 1978). Therapists are trained to be inquisitive at times, taking a curious stance to the behaviors and situations clinically presented among those seeking assistance. It is imperative to assess each person’s own view of the situation on a case-by-case basis, individually tailoring interventions. One participant shared that the difficulty of explaining her curiosity about someone from her past to her husband may have caused unnecessary strain on their relationship, when the experience was about her closure as an individual and not them as a couple.

Another participant shared that her parents disapproved of her accepting a friend request from her old flame/lost love. She said she felt guilty at first because they wondered why she would do it and unfriended him. Later, she decided to friend him again, especially when they used the parental tone with her, and she is grown.

Differentiation of self is a balanced dance between togetherness and separateness within the family system. A well-differentiated person is able to cultivate a sense of oneness

79 within emotionally significant relationships, while simultaneously being able to hold on to a separate sense of self from the other person in the relationship (Kerr & Bowen,

1988).

Cravens and Whiting (2014) discussed Internet infidelity via Facebook. Rejection is a real possibility for many who seek to reconnect with an old flame/lost love. Intrusive thoughts, obsession, and infidelity can derive from reconnecting with an old flame/lost love (Kalish, 2003). This can be devastating to someone who presents to therapy with a disruption in relationship dynamics due to the influence of social media. However, treating online infidelity like offline infidelity may be challenging when considering the immediate accessibility individuals have to the other person. Another consideration is the role to which technology is utilized in infidelity activities in general (Hertlein, 2011).

One thing is for certain, the use of social media and other online platforms are increasingly becoming a presenting problem in therapy. As clinicians, it may be helpful to remain mindful of the influence social media has in daily life. With the click of a button, a post can become viral, leading to greater levels of distress in clients, as well as embarrassment and resentment, causing devastation in non-offending and offending persons involved (Cravens & Whiting, 2014).

Couples establishing boundaries through social media may be helpful (Norton,

2011), as this was found to be rarely the case among participants in Craven’s 2013 study.

However, there is a limit to this type of boundary setting if a person wishes to use an account to which significant others may not have access (e.g., work e-mail). Other

80 researchers suggest assessing the partner’s view of the problem and exploring the location of the third party (Cravens & Whiting, 2014) as being helpful. With online platforms having both asynchronous and synchronous components, this may be difficult, as the offending person has 24/7 access to the other person anywhere in the world.

A simple hello at work, searching for a lost loves’ name, and simple curiosity can lead to an affair. Being an old flame/lost love or past romantic partner may contribute to the severity of betrayal (Kalish, 2003). Of note, the offending person may show up alone in therapy, as it may have been unintentional for them to start an affair in the first place.

These people can present with guilt, depression, and confusion about remaining in an unsatisfying, low-quality committed relationship versus the potential of reconnecting with someone from their past.

Classifying the use of technology for the purpose of reconnecting with an old flame/lost love as an infidelity activity may be an oversimplification of the phenomenon.

As found in this study, it may simply be for finding closure. Further, marriage and family therapists and other helping professionals viewing the couple relationship as two individuals balancing togetherness and separateness may be more successful in treating clients who clinically present for this phenomenon. It is imperative to explore the focus of treatment collaboratively with the client.

For those who may have rekindled romance, there may be a rapid progression in relationship dynamics because of the shared history. As such, infidelity with a former lover may have different connotations for treatment than any other type of infidelity

81 presenting in therapy. Treating it as if it is the same as any other new relationship can result in clients leaving the therapeutic relationship altogether.

Summary

In summary, through the lens of the phenomenological approach, this qualitative study sought to explore technological reconnections with old flames/lost loves and how such reconnections may have influenced the quality and stability of the current or most recent couple relationship. The results of this study suggest that there are four emerging themes related to using technology to reconnect with an old flame/lost love. These included: (a) Closing a Chapter in Life, (b) Reminiscing and Catching Up, (c) Rekindled

Romances and Love Affairs, and (d) Playing Regrets/The One Who Got Away.

Those who rekindled romance while in a committed relationship found it difficult to maintain both the committed relationship and the rekindled romance at the same time.

Some participants reported changes in behavior or treatment towards their current relationship partner once they reconnected with their old flame/lost love online. Others either remained in the marital relationship or terminated both the rekindled romance and the marital relationship.

For those who did not rekindle or reconnect with an old flame/lost love, most cited past negative experiences or the relationship ending on less than favorable terms as the reason for lack of desire to do so. This chapter included a discussion of major findings of the study and how they relate to current literature, limitations of the study,

82 recommendations for future research and clinical implications for marriage and family therapists, and other helping professionals.

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92

APPENDIX A Recruitment Flyer

93 If you are 18 years of age or older: ✓ Have you ever been in a committed relationship and experienced a technological reconnection with and old flame/lost love during that committed relationship? To be classified as a technological reconnection with the old flame/lost love, the relationship had to have ended sometime before or during the committed relationship where there has been no direct contact between participant and the other person for a minimum of 3 years and then reestablished through technological means, specifically the Internet or social media platforms.

This technological reconnection experience may have been experienced by either you establishing a technological reconnection with an old flame/lost love through social media, e-mail, or online platform or your old flame/lost love establishing a technological reconnection with you as an old flame/lost love via social media, e-mail, or online platform.

If you have answered YES to any of this question or scenarios, I would like to speak with you about a confidential research study.

I am Thelma Rouse, a doctoral candidate at Texas Woman’s University. I am conducting confidential interviews to discuss technologically reconnecting with an old flame/lost love while in a committed relationship. The interview will take about one hour. It will be confidential, and you and I will choose an agreed upon neutral location to meet for the interview. This study is being conducted to help family therapists and other helping professionals to understand the meaning behind technologically reconnecting with an old flame/lost love while during a committed relationship. If interested or for more information, please contact me at (940)268-4022 or e-mail me at [email protected]. If you know of others who may be interested in participating in the study, please pass along my contact information. Linda Brock, Ph.D. is my research advisor. She can be reached at (940)898-2713 or [email protected] . As with any electronic submission, there is a potential risk of loss of confidentiality in all e-mail, downloading, and internet transactions. If you have questions about your rights as a participant in this research or the way this study has been conducted, you may contact the TWU’s Institutional Review Board at 940-898-3378 or via e-mail at [email protected].

94

APPENDIX B

E-mail Script for Distribution of Recruitment Flyer

95

E-mail Requesting Distribution of Recruitment Flyer

NOTE: Appendix A – Recruitment flyer was attached to this e-mail message sent to colleagues and acquaintances.

Hello Everyone, I want to thank you for your willingness in helping me to spread the word about my current research study. Attached is the recruitment flyer containing basic information about my study, the criteria for who may volunteer to participate in the study and contact information for both me and my advisor Linda Brock, Ph.D. Please let me know if you have any further questions. Again, your assistance with this greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,

Thelma Rouse

96

APPENDIX C

Phone Script to Respond to Participant’s Inquiries

97

Phone Script to Respond to Participant’s Inquiries Researcher: Hello, this is Thelma speaking, how may I help you? Caller asks for information about the study after seeing a flyer or hearing about the study. Researcher: Yes, thank you very much for your interest in my study. To meet criteria, you must be 18 years of age or older and fit one of 3 criteria: ✓ Been in a committed relationship and experienced a technological reconnection with and old flame/lost love during that committed relationship? ✓ Have an old flame/lost love attempted a technological reconnection with you while they were in a committed relationship? ✓ Have or had a significant other technologically reconnected with an old flame/lost love and it is or has been an issue during your relationship? To be classified as a technological reconnection with the old flame/lost love, the relationship had to have ended sometime before or during the committed relationship where there has been no direct contact between participant and the other person for a minimum of 3 years and then reestablished through technological means, specifically the Internet or social media platforms.

Caller expresses interest in study and wants to participate. IF YES: Face-to-face interview was scheduled after caller agrees to audio recording Researcher: Again, I appreciate your calling and willingness to voluntarily participate in this study. I have a private practice office where we could meet which is located at ______in ______, Texas. Would that work for you? If not, I can meet at a library that has a private meeting area or another safe quiet place for the interview. Which do you prefer? (Will set time and location most acceptable for both of us). Caller gives availability and researcher confirms appointment. If caller doesn’t not meet criteria for the study: Researcher: Unfortunately, we are looking for those who are in a committed relationship. Do you know someone else who would possibly be interested in participating in this study? If so, would you be willing to pass along my contact information to them? Thank you so much for calling me.

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APPENDIX D

E-mail Script to Respond to Participant’s Inquiries

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E-mail Script to respond to Participant’s Inquiries

Thank you very much for your interest in my study. To meet criteria for the study, you must be 18 years of age or older and meet one of 3 criteria: ✓ Been in a committed relationship and experienced a technological reconnection with and old flame/lost love during that committed relationship? ✓ Have an old flame/lost love attempted a technological reconnection with you while they were in a committed relationship? ✓ Have or had a significant other technologically reconnected with an old flame/lost love and it is or has been an issue during your relationship?

To be classified as a technological reconnection with the old flame/lost love, the relationship had to have ended sometime before or during the committed relationship where there has been no direct contact between participant and the other person for a minimum of 3 years and then reestablished through technological means, specifically the

Internet or social media platforms. This technological reconnection experience may have been experienced This technological reconnection experience may have been experienced by:

1) You established a technological reconnection with an old flame/lost love

through social media, e-mail, or online platform.

2) Your old flame/lost love established a technological reconnection with you as

an old flame/lost love via social media, e-mail, or online platform.

100 Participation is voluntary and confidential. I will conduct an audio recorded interview about your experience with technologically reconnecting with and old flame/lost love through social media. If you would like to learn more about the study and you would like to participate, please feel free to contact me at (940)268-4022 or via e-mail to schedule an interview.

Sincerely,

Thelma Rouse

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APPENDIX E

Informed Consent to Participate in Research

102 TEXAS WOMAN’S UNIVERSITY CONSENT TO PARTICIPATE IN RESEARCH Title: Reunited and It Feels So Good? The Lived Experience of Technologically Reconnecting with Old Flames/Lost Loves: A Qualitative Study

Investigator: Thelma Rouse, M.B.A., M.A...... [email protected] (940)268-4022

Advisor: Linda J. Brock, Ph.D...... [email protected] (940)898-2713 Explanation and Purpose of the Research You are being asked to participate in the dissertation research study conducted by Thelma Rouse, M.B.A., M.A. at Texas Woman’s University in Denton, Texas. The purpose of this study will be to explore the lived experience of reconnecting with an old flame/lost love while in a committed relationship. Research Procedures For the purpose of this qualitative study, the principal investigator will conduct a face-to- face individual interview with you. This interview will be scheduled at a time and location that is safe and mutually agreed upon by you and the researcher. The interview will be digitally audio recorded for later transcription and data analysis to provide accuracy in reporting the information discussed. Your interview will be transcribed and assigned a confidential code. Only the principal investigator, advisor, and research team member will have access to the transcripts. The maximum time commitment for the interview is approximately one hour. Participant initials ______Potential Risks Potential risks related to your participation in this study may include emotional discomfort. If you experience emotional discomfort regarding the interview questions, you may stop answering any of the questions at any time. The investigator will provide you with a referral list of mental health providers and phone numbers that you may use if you want to discuss this discomfort with a mental health professional. The participant may stop or withdraw from the study without penalty. Another potential risk may include fatigue during the interview. To avoid fatigue, you may take a break (or breaks) during the interview as needed. Participant initials ______

103 Another possible risk to you because of your participation in this study is release of confidential information. Confidentiality will be protected to the extent that is allowed by law. The interview will take place in a private location agreed upon by you and the researcher. Only the investigator and her advisor will have access to the recordings. The flash drive, hard copies of the transcriptions, and the thumb drives containing the transcription text files will be stored in a locked filing cabinet in the investigator’s locked office. All materials will be destroyed within four years of the completion of the study. It is anticipated that the results of this study will be published in the investigator’s dissertation as well as in other research publications. However, no names or other identifiable information will be included in any publication. Participant initials ______The researcher will try to prevent any problem that could happen because of this research. You should let the researchers know at once if there is a problem and they will help you. However, TWU does not provide medical services or financial assistance for injuries that might happen because you are taking part in this research. Participation and Benefit: Your participation in this study is completely voluntary and confidential and you may discontinue your participation in the study at any time without penalty. The only direct benefit of this study to you as a participant is that at the completion of the study you may request a summary of the results to be mailed to you. Questions Regarding the Study: You will be given a copy of this signed and dated consent form to keep. If you have any questions about the research study, you may contact the researcher or advisor. Their contact information is provided at the top of this form. If you have questions about your rights as a participant in this research or in the way this study has been conducted, you may contact the Texas Woman’s University Office of Research and Sponsored Programs at (940) 898-3378 or via e-mail at [email protected].

______Signature of Participant Date

•As with any electronic submission, there is a potential risk of loss of confidentiality in all e-mail, downloading, and internet transactions. If you have questions about your rights as a participant in this research or the way this study has been conducted, you may contact the TWU’s Institutional Review Board at 940-898-3378 or via e-mail at [email protected].

104 • If you would like to receive a summary of the results of this study, please provide an address to which this summary may be sent. ______

______

______

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APPENDIX F

Demographic Questionnaire

106 DEMOGRAPHIC QUESTIONNAIRE

DATE OF INTERVIEW: ______PARTICIPANT CODE #: ______AGE: ______GENDER: ( ) Male ( ) Female ( ) Other (Please briefly explain): ______

RACE/ETHNICITY: (Please mark all that apply) ( ) American Indian or Alaskan Native ( ) Asian ( ) African American ( ) Caucasian ( ) Hispanic ( ) Native Hawaiian or Pacific Islander ______( ) Other (Please briefly explain): ______CURRENT RELATIONSHIP STATUS: (Please mark all that apply). ( ) Married ( ) Cohabitating ( ) Single ( ) Divorced ( ) Widowed ( ) Separated ( ) Other (Please briefly explain): ______

107 How long have you been in a committed relationship with your spouse or partner? (Please include courtship or engagement time) ______ROMANTIC ATTRACTION: ( ) Lesbian ( ) Gay ( ) Bisexual ______( ) Transgender ______( ) Questioning ______( ) Heterosexual/Straight ( ) Other ______OCCUPATION:______EDUCATION LEVEL: ( ) High school diploma or GED ( ) Associate degree (for example: AA, AS) ( ) Bachelor's degree (for example: BA, AB, BS) ( ) Master's degree (for example: MA, MS, MEng, MEd, MSW, MBA) ( ) Professional degree (for example: MD, DO, DDS, DVM, LLB, JD) ( ) Doctorate degree (for example: PhD, PsyD, EdD) ( ) Other

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APPENDIX G

Interview Guide

109 INTERVIEW GUIDE

Participant’s Alphanumeric code: ______

Date Interviewed: ______Time: ______

Interview Setting/Location: ______

“Hello, I am Thelma Rouse. It is nice to finally meet you! Again, thank you for agreeing to participate in the study. As we have previously discussed, the purpose of this research is to explore the experience of technologically reconnecting with an old flame/lost love while in a committed relationship. Do you have any questions before we get started?”

“Before we start the interview, let’s review the informed consent that you will sign.

I am providing two copies of the same form for you to sign and date. You will keep one copy and I will keep one copy on file. Next, we have the demographic questionnaire. You have the option of filling this out, or I can record your responses once the interview starts.

Which do you prefer?” “Do you have any questions or concerns at this point?”

“During the audio recording, I will ask you a question focused on your most significant experience with technologically reconnecting with an old flame/lost love, as you may have more than one experience. This technological reconnection may have been experienced in a variety This technological reconnection experience may have been experienced by:

1) You established a technological reconnection with an old flame/lost love

through social media, e-mail, or online platform.

110 2) Your old flame/lost love established a technological reconnection with you as

an old flame/lost love via social media, e-mail, or online platform.

PROMPTS: Share whatever you would like to share regarding your most significant experience with technologically reconnecting with an old flame/lost love. I want you to speak as freely as you feel comfortable.

NOTE: These prompts were used only when the participant did not provide this information in the process of sharing their story.

1. Who initiated contact? a. If the participant was the one who initiated contact, what were the circumstances? b. If the non-participant was the one who initiated contact, what was participant’s response? 2. What was your relationship status when this happened? a. Particularly more interested in perceived quality or satisfaction in current relationship 3. How long ago had it been since your last contact with this person? a. Length of time speaking with or seeing this person. 4. If you reconnected technologically, does your significant other know about this reconnection? a. If yes, how do you perceive significant other received your disclosure? i. Do you plan to tell your significant other about reconnection? b. If no, how do you perceive significant other would react if reconnection experience was ever disclosed? 5. What modality of technology did you or your old flame/lost love use to reconnect with you? 6. If you could classify your relationship with the person you reconnected with, how would you classify it? Why? 7. What motivated you to reconnect with this person? 8. If you were not the person who initiated a reconnection with your old flame/lost love, what do you believe their motive was for reconnecting? 9. What were your thoughts and feelings about your reconnection experience with your old flame/lost love? a. If they responded? b. If they didn’t respond?

111 10. If you are not currently in a committed relationship, have you reconnected with an old flame/lost love or vice versa? 11. How would you characterize the quality of your relationship when you reconnected with your old flame/lost love? 12. What if your partner found out, what is their reaction? 13. What benefits or risks do you believe a technological reconnection with a former lover would have on a committed relationship? 14. What regrets, if any do you have regarding your reconnection experience with an old flame/lost love?

Scenario 2: If participant is not the one who reconnected with an old flame/lost love: 15. How did you learn about your significant other’s reconnection with their old flame/lost love? 16. What was the perceived quality of your relationship with this person before the discovery/reveal?

OTHER PROMPTS: Nonverbal cues: Nodding Silence Could you clarify more about that? What else? Absolutely. I could only imagine. And by that, you mean what?

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APPENDIX H

Referral List of Mental Health Providers

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Referral List of Mental Health Providers

Dallas/Fort Worth Metroplex

Texas Woman’s University Counseling and Family Therapy Clinic Woodcock Hall/Human Development Bldg. Rm. 114 Denton, TX 76204 (940)898-2600

AAMFT (Therapist Locator) American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy www.aamft.org/therapistlocator

Psychology Today (Therapist Locator) https://www.psychologytoday.com/us

FAMILY TREE PROGRAM (Multiple Locations)

CCD Farmers Branch 2727 LBJ Freeway, Suite 406 Farmers Branch, TX 75234 (972) 353-9404

Hamilton Guy Counseling and Training 402 W. Wheatland Road Suite 170-C Duncanville, Texas 75116 (972) 885-5013

Mobile Counseling 1412 Main Street, #613 Dallas, TX 75201 (214) 542-5642

Counseling Institute of Texas 3200 Southern Drive, Suite 100 Garland, TX 75043 (972) 271-4300

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Richland Oaks Counseling Center 1221 Abrams Rd Suite 325 Richardson, TX 75081 (469) 619-7622

Harmony Counseling Center 6969 Pastor Bailey Dr. Suite 250 Dallas, Texas 75237 (214) 751-3932

Positive Influences - Dallas 8828 N. Stemmons Fwy, Suite 225 Dallas, TX 75247 (469) 227-7847

National and Online Counseling Services

Better Help https://www.betterhelp.com/

Talk Space https://www.talkspace.com/

Military OneSource https://www.militaryonesource.mil/health-wellness/mental-health

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