16 The award-winning student .

newspaper of Imperial College 10

Guardian Student Newspaper of the Year . 09 Issue 1,440 felix felixonline.co.uk This week.... Alphabetic adventures Medic arrested during Freshers’ Week An interinterviewview with Ash. See page 26

News, Page 3

Bhanglassi; the drink you love to spill

Travel, Page 30-31

Glastonbury and Latitude reviewed

Music Festival, Page 23

Ten years since the year Overdrawn 2000 to reminisce about felix speaks to three Imperial students affected by the failings of the Student Loans Company. See pages 4 & 5 Games, Page 34 2 felix FRIDAY 16 OCTOBER 2009 News Editor Kadhim Shubber NEWS [email protected] Imperial Medic arrested Beats MIT but not An Imperial College Medical Student is said to have been arrested quite UCL standard on a night out organised as part of the ICSMSU’s Freshers’ Fortnight SSinaina AAtaheriantaherian Business Editor opposed to any measure of staff time spent on students, which explains Im- DDanan WanWan Editor-in-Chief perial doing reasonably well. The other It’s that time of the year again. Wheth- is the claimed cause of that problem, er it is because it reaffirms boasts of the staff/citation score. A 3rd year student has allegedly been being here or because it downplays the Sadly this is not listed as Imperial’s arrested after a night out organised by cost of not getting into Oxbridge, we strong suit. Aside from a few amusing the ICSMSU for freshers. all love the Times World University notes, such as Caltech graduates being The alleged incident was said to have Rankings. If you are happy to ignore exceptionally disliked by their future occurred on the night of Wednesday international recognition in favour of bosses, the peer and employer reviews the 7th of October outside the Fire Sta- the other mark of quality – the Times all offer near full marks. tion bar on Hammersmith Broadway. is British whereas Shanghai is Chinese The last two components of the As part of the Imperial College – then the rankings usually make for overall score clear up the confusion School of Medicine Students’ Union self-affirming reading. nicely. A full third of the marks are di- (ICSMSU) Freshers’ Fortnight, the This year there has been a mixed rectly based on the internationality of Doctors and Nurses themed pub crawl blessing. Imperial has climbed up staff and students. was a chance for the medical school’s from sixth to fifth place but UCL has This as an independent parameter new intake of Freshers to get to know jumped ahead to fourth. With our own is particularly lucky for Imperial given each other. However, ICSMSU’s events rivalry aside, UCL outperforming MIT how many of the marks from the other are Freshers’ Fortnights are notori- demands a second look at the num- measures also probably come from this ous for attracting students from years bers. The Times uses six measures to source. Needless to say, Imperial score throughout the medical school. IC- compose their overall rankings. Two of the highest in the top ten for both. SMSU described Wednesday’s event as these are relevant and objective. One This also essentially clears up the UCL “one of the biggest nights of the fort- is specifically staff/student ratio, as puzzle. night with the whole medschool turn- ing out in scrubs and nurses outfits for a pub crawl through Hammersmith” Overall 2008 Rank on their website. The 3rd year student, who has been 1. Harvard University 100.0 1 unnamed, was said not to be officially The Fire Station bar in Hammersmith where the alleged incident took place 2. University of Cambridge 99.6 3 at the event, but had joined in with 3. Yale University 99.1 2 the night’s proceedings anyway. The situation apparently escalated on the and ambiguous about the events. shown that he cannot justify the trust 4. University College London 99.0 7 street outside the Shepherds Bush “This is a great shame. I would like to placed in him [and] should not contin- 5= Imperial College London 97.8 6 Road venue when he reportedly be- thank the ICSMSU exec and the Fac- ue in unrestricted practice,’ as stated on 5= University of Oxford 97.8 4 came aggressive towards a number of ulty of Medicine for their support and the GMC website. people, which included a police officer. handling the situation very sensibly The site also state that ‘physical vio- 6. University of Chicago 96.8 8 Rumours circulating College suggest and efficiently.” lence’ as a criminal offence or caution 7. Princeton University 96.6 12 that the officer in question was plain- A student subject to arrest and/or is one of the ‘most frequent concerns’ 8. Massachusetts Institute of 96.1 9 clothed at the time. It seems a likely involved in criminal activity will face that can lead to a Fitness to Practise concept as the Fire Station bar is mere- a Fitness to Practise panel held by the investigation. Technology ly down the road from the Hammer- medical school he or she is registered The worst possible outcome to the 9. California Institute of 95.9 5 smith Police Station. Students in the under. The panel leads an investigation hearing is that of suspension or expul- Technology immediate area said there was a “heavy into the student’s wrongdoings under sion from the student’s medical course police presence” after events unfolded. General Medical Council’s guidelines as the ‘only way to protect patients.’ The ICSMSU’s statement was cagey to see if the student’s ‘conduct has felix continues to follow the situation. 16

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Dan Wan Kadhim Shubber Gilead Amit Sasha Nicoletti OL L LOLCATZ News Editor Business Editor Science Editors Clubs and Socs Editor Kadhim Shubber Sina Ataherian Brigitte Atkins Alex Kendall Nathan Ley Medic News Editor International Editor Sports Editors OF TEH WEEK Dina Ismail Raphael Houdmont Nightlife Editor Mustapher Botchway Charlotte Morris APPLY NOW Assistant Editor Film Editors at [email protected] Jovan Nedić Zuzanna Blaszczak Music Editors Web Editors Kadhim Shubber Arts Editors Chris Birkett Layout Editor Technology Editor Alex Ashford Caz Knight Ravi Pall Carlos Karingal Samuel Gibbs Rosie Milton What’s On Editors Lucy Harrold Copy Editors Comment Editor Fashion Editor Rachel D’oliviero Jamie Beal Ravi Pall Kawai Wong Lily Topham Photography Alex Karapetian Ben Smith Richard Howard Politics Editors: Travel Editor Coffee Break Editor Tom Roberts Stephan Zeeman James Goldsack Dylan Lowe Charles Murdoch Sabrina Castiglione Katya-yani Vyas Games Editors Alice Rowlands James Lees Music Festival Editor Puzzles Commodore Mike Cook Lizzie Griffiths Phillip Murray Ravi Pall Ewan Quince Angry Geek Fiona O’Connell felix FRIDAY 16 OCTOBER 2009 3 [email protected] NEWS El Salvador Project 2009: Civil Engineers do good Raz Jabary reports back as 11 Imperial students complete the El Salvador Project 2009 with great success

his summer break a group this year felix reported on the success of 11 Civil Engineering stu- of the JP Morgan competition in New T dents spent their time in El York, where on April 17th the El Salva- Salvador constructing hous- dor Project won $25,000 to finance its es for poor communities. work. The team is currently competing The team consisted of six first years, online in the ‘Give-it-Away’ competi- two second years and three third years tion for a further astounding $65,000 and carried out the project over the pe- against other projects from around the riod 3rd July - 15th August. globe; dependent on the number of The El Salvador Project has a volun- votes it gets by May 2010. tary basis and is currently in its eighth Further help to the team was pro- year of operation. It was set up by Im- vided by the organisation of ADESCO, perial professors and students as a re- which is made up of men and women sult of the devastating series of earth- committed to the coordination of the quakes and landslides that struck the aid work in the community of Colima. country in 2001. Ideas for the improvement of the The students spent the weekdays project’s effectiveness include future over a six week period in the commu- Spanish classes for all members and nity of Colima, during which they built the allocation of funds and personnel two earthquake resistant block houses to multiple communities rather than and a retaining wall to benefit two fam- one over a summer term. ilies. Special trips were organised for in Recapping on this year’s project, the weekends by the NGO of REDES team member and potential future (the Salvadorian Reconstruction & team leader Andres remarks: “It has Development organisation), with the exceeded all expectations by a massive aim of getting the students in touch margin. with the country’s history, culture and It combined valuable engineering ex- traditions. These included visits to perience as well as an insight of/on the Mayan ruins and the Museum of the country’s culture, politics and tradi- Revolution. tions. We all gained friends within the This year’s project was held in the Mum always wondered why some of her daughters grew up to be 6ft and English. She loved them all the same thought group which we probably would not small town of Colima, located in the have met otherwise and were hosted Cuscatlan Governorate which has incredibly well by the local NGO RE- three of the poorest regions in the cial crisis are still fresh in the minds the structure in tension and the level- on the team many members had suc- DES and of course by the population of country. It is about an hour and a half of the people of Colima. As a gesture ling of the floor. In addition to the stu- cessfully grasped a basic knowledge of Colima”. drive away from the capital San Salva- of respect the community offered its dents hired skilled workers and some Spanish. Commenting on the selection proc- dor. A village in the early eighties, Coli- church to the Imperial students as a able family members aided the con- The El Salvador Project has a board ess for next year’s team which will soon ma gradually grew out to a small town home for the duration of their stay. struction efforts. of alumni members who oversee the commence, Andres says: “Without a during the Salvadorian civil war (1980- On site work included the making of Team work was optimum and no running of its activities. It receives its doubt I would recommend future Civil 1992) with many people seeking refuge concrete and mortar, the placement of major problems or difficulties were en- funds from sponsorship money, in ad- Engineering students to enrol in this there from the fighting. The horrors blocks and pipelines, the tying of rein- countered by the language barrier, for dition to a personal contribution from project and embrace everything it has of this war and the associated finan- forcement bars to allow for strength of in addition to having three translators each of the team members. Earlier to offer”. Decline in Imperial students’ ability to write correctly

GGileadilead AmitAmit Deputy Editor work, exams and job applications. I ble of doing so should correct errors from him) and How to Write about saw a letter last week from an on-line of English as well as of science,” Dr. Biology by Pechenik and Lamb (Long- recruitment agency stating that one Lamb suggests. Advice from above will man, 1996, still in print and in the IC Home students at Imperial College third of job applicants from home doubtless prove useful, but in the final Library). make on average three times more graduates, even from top universities, analysis students will need to take mat- Imperial students have historically grammatical mistakes in their writ- were rejected immediately because of ters into their own hands. As an obvi- been among the most employable of ten work than their international col- poor English in their CVs and covering ous solution, students can make more UK graduates, and have gone on to ca- leagues, claims a report to be pub- letters, showing lack of attention to de- cautious use of spellcheckers and have reers in a wide range of sectors. Espe- lished next month. tail, poor communication skills and a a dictionary on hand when they write. cially in these difficult economic times, The research was carried out by bad attitude” explained Dr. Lamb. “My own English was not very good it would be a shame to make anything Dr. Bernard Lamb, former Reader His findings reveal a large number at university,” Dr. Lamb admitted. but the best possible impression on in Genetics at Imperial College and of students who still confuse omit with “When I was lecturing at IC in 1970, I prospective employers. President of the London Branch of the emit, infect with affect or even inject, had a female Sri Lankan research stu- Spelling and grammar may seem Queen’s English Society. Aside from emaciate with emasculate, impotence dent who kindly pointed out my errors. like petty issues, but a lack of atten- his achievements in the field of biol- with importance and formerly with To be told by a foreign student that my tion in writing can change meaning, ogy, Dr. Lamb has been carrying out formally. He makes the point that for English was poor was humiliating but cause confusion and give a clear im- analyses of undergraduate writing for students working in the sciences, con- extremely useful. I started learning pression that the writer is lacking in more than thirty years, at Imperial as fusing lead with led is as egregious as rules of spelling, word origins, using professionalism. well as across the country. confusing sodium nitrite with sodium a dictionary more often, and playing Though science students may have nitrate. Scrabble with her so that she could thought they’d left their writing days The improved syntax displayed by correct my spelling. Although I lost the Editor’s note: behind them, communication skills are international students suggests that first 80 games, we both ended up in the Here at felix we do our best to keep an integral part of any modern science students in the UK prioritise their ver- finals of the National Scrabble Cham- such errors to a minimum, thanks to a degree. Essays, lab reports and projects bal communication over the way they pionships, and I am now a mediocre talented team of writers, a handful of intrude into even the most theoretical write. Home students are clearly more speller rather than a bad one. One can dedicated copy editors and a great deal of subjects, and an inability to write at ease in spoken English, but seem to improve!” of wishful thinking. Should you no- proficiently can have unfortunate assume this will translate to a similar “For obvious reasons” Dr. Lamb tice syntactical mistakes in this issue, consequences for a graduate’s career fluency in writing. Unfortunately this recommends two volumes specifi- however, maybe a temporary career in prospects. is not the case, and many students cally geared for university students: proofreading beckons. The felix offices “Home students should be very con- need to make more of an effort to im- The Queen’s English Society’s Practi- are in the West Wing of Beit Quad, and cerned about their verbal proficiency prove the way they write. cal Guide to Punctuation (by B. C. copy editors are welcome all of Wednes- as it affects performance in course “Those academic staff who are capa- Lamb, £3 including postage, available day and Thursday every week. 4 felix FRIDAY 16 OCTOBER 2009 NEWS [email protected] LOAN DELAYS HIT CLOSE TO HOME EDITOR-IN-CHIEF DAN WAN SPEAKS TO THREE IMPERIAL STUDENTS CAUGHT UP IN THE LOAN DELAYS

s the Student Loans Agnieszka Pinchinat, Peter Evans the new social and academic pressures Company (SLC) an- and Mary Harrington are three of a she is experiencing during her new life nounce they are to hold reported 116,000 students across the at university. Mary, on the other hand an internal enquiry into country that have still not received the is a fourth year Medic, and very much why over 100,000 stu- first installment of their loans. Felix used to living independently. She man- Adents have had their loan payments caught up with each of them this week ages to contain the stresses that having delayed, felix looked closer to home to explore how the SLC’s failings are no money creates with her experience and spoke to a few undergraduates af- actually affecting their lives as they she’s gained at her time at university. fected by the crisis that has hit students start a new year at Imperial. All three of the students we spoke nationwide. They have each been affected to dif- to are yet to receive any funding from The SLC has received just over a mil- ferent degrees; a contributing factor the SLC, and even the most prudent lion applications for loans in its first being the year of study they are each in. would be struggling. There is little year as the sole authority organising Peter seems the worst-off, being a sec- they can actively do to solve the solve and distributing student loans. In pre- ond year student discovering the lack their problems in one fell-swoop. They vious years, first year students have of cushion that College provides you continue to play the frustratingly slow applied through their local education with in your Fresher year. Agnieszka waiting game whilst it is not just their authority, which worked in conjunc- is benefiting from being a Fresher and bank balance which is reducing: mo- tion with the SLC to send off loan living in halls, but sees trouble ahead rale, personal pride and quality of life payments. as the financial uncertainty is added to too.

eter is a returning Mate- It is a particular bitter situation rials Engineer going into for Peter due to the fact his finan- his second year at Impe- cial problems would not have arisen rial. As well as stepping up had he his loan on time. He de- Pto an increased workload, Peter’s scribes the money a financial “safety hen asked about her funding as soon as their term started, on things in the last few months that dealing with living out for the first net” he could rely on for emergency student loans, she and would receive extra loan money she’d really like to have been involved time. Living in private accommoda- circumstances like the one he has W replies cheerfully, at a further date. However, this with. She decided to work over the tion with friends means the security found himself in. with a distinct hint promise was on the condition that period her girlfriends travelled to and ease of living in Halls of Resi- During our meeting, Peter once of irony. the application had been submitted Dublin for a holiday. She was espe- dences are lost; utility bills, monthly again contacted the SLC to get any “It’s messy!” Mary exclaims. It’s before the ‘late application deadline’. cially feeling the effects of not having rent and actually securing a habit- sort of timescale in which he can ex- good to see her in good spirits de- Further confusion has since oc- any money when term started. able and affordable place are just a pect his payments to come through. spite her the position the SLC has curred. She received an email from “I couldn’t go to many of the Fresh- few of many trials the majority of After a solid 20 minutes on hold, the effectively put her in. As she sits be- the SLC asking her to supply addi- ers’ events I would have liked to go 2nd years like Peter must endure. conversation with the operator last- hind the Student Activities Centre tional information about her family to. I’m not going to go there to drink However, unlike most of his peers, ed only a couple more. The answers reception desk, she beings to explain finances in order to complete the ap- lemonade,” she says as a cheeky grin Peter will find this shift in living ar- to Peter’s enquiries were obviously that entire situation, and the fact she plication. She immediately replied in surfaces on her face. rangements much harder, owing to quick and well-rehearsed. His loan has been faultless at every step of the a phone call, but was told on the con- Talking about other sources of the fact he still hasn’t received his application would be processed process. trary. Her application was complete money quickly buries her smile. “My student loan. in “three to four week’s time” and Her application hit a stumbling and the loan instalments were ready mum can pay my rent for now, she’s As required he applied for the was told that applications lodged a block as soon as it started back in to be released. moved some money around to cover loan during the summer break, and month before his were currently be- June; well before the deadline the Both her Local Education Author- it, but I don’t like asking for it.” was due to receive the first term’s ing looked through. SLC set before applications become ity (LEA) and the SLC now have sep- Mary has seemingly no choice but worth of money on the 4th of Oc- Despite a reported two month ‘late.’ Though the SLC prefer the arate applications under her name, to ask her mother for extra money, tober; a day before the academic backlog of applications, Peter’s students to register for their loan but neither are seemingly collaborat- but she realises that with six other year at Imperial started. Already three to four week delay seems fa- online, Mary’s mother isn’t comfort- ing to solve her situation. children, her mum can only do so settled into his new Chiswick flat, vourable. However, this doesn’t able using computers for something Mary isn’t visibly anxious about much for her. “I take pride in being the loan did not arrive come the make any difference to an individ- so important and hence ordered the her lack of money, but describes it financially independent. I was the 4th of October. This has now left ual like Peter who is also reluctant paper forms to be sent to her home. as “worrying.” She gives off the im- one who chose to come to London to him in a very difficult situation in to ask his parents for even more The paper forms did not arrive be- pression that she just needs to get on a six year course. I can’t expect my which he is left desperately short of money than he already has. fore the SLC ‘late application’ dead- with things, and deal with her situ- mum to support me.” money. To make matters worse one “I’m going to have to ask my Dad line despite Mary’s persistence on ation as it comes. She’s happy to be Mary is looking forward to finally of his housemates has been forced for some more money to help me the phone. working part-time for the Union as getting her loan, although she still to move out, leaving the remaining cover this rent, but I’m ashamed to “I tried ringing 40 times in one day, a receptionist, and the pay gets her hasn’t any idea when it will come residents to plug the gap in rent that do so.” Despite his personal pride, it then another 97 times the next day. by week-to-week, but nothing more. through. has been created. Peter despairs at isn’t happy days for Peter and most Every time I was put on hold. I was “I guess I’m really lucky in the way As she gets backs to sorting out the situation. likely plenty of other students in in tears at this point.” that I live cheaply. I cycle everywhere databases for the hundreds of clubs “I’m truly screwed. I could just similar or worse situations. The application was not only de- for one thing. I can live off the £30 a and societies at Imperial, she has one about get away with paying my own On a last note of half-despair layed past the deadline, but she week for now, but any if real expens- last thought. rent for the next month, but won’t half-comedy, Peter mulls over what would not receive any level of fund- es are needed I will begin to struggle. “I have a list of things I’ll get once be able to pay the extra rent on time he’s going to be doing for the next ing when the academic year started. I’m currently bobbing up and down my loan comes through; a haircut without my student loan. I have few weeks. The SLC had promised every student at the bottom of my overdraft as it is.” and a couple of pairs of socks to about £70 left for the foreseeable “Looks like I’m going to live out of they would receive the basic level of Mary mentions she has missed out name a few on it!” future.” tins every night, doesn’t it?” felix FRIDAY 16 OCTOBER 2009 5 [email protected] NEWS felix talks to three loans victms The world beyond College walls

European Union

Eight years in the making, the Lisbon Treaty is finally reaching the finish line. After Ireland ratified the Lisbon Treaty last week, this time voting in favour, the European Union is shifting gears. Irish voters backed the treaty, which aims to make the EU ‘more democratic, more transparent and more efficient’, by 67% to 33%, a dramatic turnaround from last year’s result. The Treaty would also create a new position for the President of the EU, for which Tony Blair, the UK’s former Prime Minister, is currently a favourite. Follow- ing the Irish ratification, Polish President Lech Kaczynski has signed the Lis- bon Treaty on October 10th. Mr. Kaczynski, a Eurosceptic, believes that the treaty will be successful but has stressed that the EU should remain a union of sovereign states. That leaves only the Czech Republic, where President Vaclav Klaus has so far refused to sign the treaty unless his country is granted an opt- out from the EU’s charter of Fundamental Rights. MEPs in Brussels will now gnieszka is a 1st year the SLC status and said there was no my loan still hasn’t come. Imperial put pressure on him to ratify the treaty before general elections in the UK Computing student update of her application. knew about the loan delays, but the which must be held within a year. The Conservative party, which is leading from Lancaster, who has Further investigation led Agniesz- two weeks extra still isn’t enough in the polls, is opposed to the treaty and has promised to hold a referendum also experienced plenty ka to the conclusion that she did time. ” on it if all EU members have not yet backed it by the time it comes to power. ofA trouble with the Student Loans not have to submit her passport in On top of this, Agnieszka is also Company. the first place, making the last few uncertain about the situation sur- Appalling organisation and mixed months of waiting an absolute waste rounding her tuition fees. If she messages from the SLC meant like of time and delayed her application doesn’t get the second extension she the other 100,000 plus students, she even further. Two weeks into term says she’ll have to use her overdraft U.S.A. still hasn’t received any of her loan. and she still hasn’t received her loan entirely. Just before her A Level final exams from the SLC. In fact, internal disor- Agnieszka seemed a very level- On Sunday, tens of thou- in June, she contacted the SLC to en- ganisation has meant that Agniesz- headed and mature first year, and sands of demonstrators quire what she should do to initiate ka’s means-tested application is still was in no doubt about her respon- marched through Wash- the process. As she was registered in preliminary stages; the paperwork sibilities, especially financial ones. ington D.C. demanding as an EU student holding a Polish to be filled in by her parents has not The Darlington-based SLC is doing greater civil rights for passport, Agnieszka was told to send even been sent out by the SLC. her no favours however. gays and lesbians. The over her current passport for clarifi- Agnieszka described herself as “I decided to work for the last protest took place a day cation of status. “heavily dependent” on her loan month of my summer holidays, just after President Barack The passport was sent by Royal money during term time. The money to have money for when I started Obama said he would move Mail’s Special Delivery service, and was to go on necessary payments to university. I wanted to go on holiday to end a ban on gay people hence could be tracked. Despite the Imperial College that the majority of instead,” she says with a hint of bit- serving openly in the mili- delivery status having confirmed first years should have no problem terness. Talking about her situation tary. Since coming to office, delivery of the parcel containing meeting. starts to remind her about “I’m al- Mr Obama has taken steps her passport, the SLC claimed they “I had to ask for an extension for ways told to go to the website or I’m towards addressing gay rights issues, but protestors were saying he has not had not yet received it; Agnieszka my hall’s rent fees. However, I’m go- put on hold for two hours! I might go done enough, particularly on the issue of same-sex partnerships. The Defense checked her personalised account on ing to have to ask for another one as up there in person.” of Marriage Act, which limits how local and federal bodies can recognise gay partnerships and determine benefits, has been criticised by gay rights cam- paigners, including the Human Rights Campaign, as discriminatory.

Armenia & Turkey

After a century of hostilities, Armenia and Turkey signed a peace accord on October 10th, and agreed to estab- lish diplomatic relations. Turkey’s denial that the 1915 killings of over one million Armenians was genocide has long angered the Armenians, and remains a difficult topic of discussion between the two countries. But the peace deal promises to benefit both nations, as an open border (closed during tensions in 1994) will provide access to a large neighbouring market for Armenians, and increased influence in the Caucasus for Turkey. The accord, which was reached in Zurich, has gained support from the US, Russia, and the EU (all three sent representatives to help the negotiations along). But Azerbaijan, Armenia’s neighbour and a close ally of Turkey, has criticised the agreement. It wants progress with Armenia to be linked to the resolution of territorial disputes between Azerbaijan and Armenia.

Edited by Raphael Houdmont

felix FRIDAY 16 OCTOBER 2009 7 Comment Editor RaviRavi PallPall COMMENT [email protected] Angry Geek: Feeling good to be back. “I bet you’ve really missed people like me, the c**ts who write for felix because ... we have an opinion”

o, I’m back. Hold the fan- and growing my disgusting, filthy hair. week with the spectacularly obvious ten seconds the blokes have arranged the only ones with the perfect career fares. It’s been a few weeks God. Student life, eh. advice of “Looking for women? Try in a semicircle around her and they’re planned out, and that the anecdote into term now, I’ve remem- Anyway, as I say, I’m settled down places that women go to.” is just the nodding sagely like she’s conducting a they tell about that guy they knew in S bered how to hold a pen and now and boy isn’t it great to be back. tip of the lopsided and melting idiot roundtable discussion about how great secondary school who did the thing at make vague gestures with it Isn’t it, though? I mean, I bet you’ve iceberg. I watched the students collect it is to have breasts. that place where Miley Cyrus likes to on paper, and I can now hold a conver- really missed people like me, the c**ts again in groups after a long summer And you know what? They’re all go is remotely interesting. sation with someone for longer than who write for felix because we’re un- spent thinking up things to say about thinking the same thing. They’re all It’s not interesting. You are not inter- three minutes. I’m a student again. der the impression we have an opinion how they spent their summer, and this thinking, like good old Mister Lowe esting. Neither are you cool, or alterna- Phew. worth communicating. Last week’s great thing happens – the women be- evidently does, that their dick is the tive, or valuable as a human being in For a dangerously long period over scintillating discussion about how the come performers. So you get this group straightest. That they’re out there. any way. The sooner you realise that, the summer, I began to live a bit like British like to discuss the weather, say, of students, right, and it’s the usual Lowe might think that you need to get the sooner we can all get back to our those people do on television some- or the detailed explanation of why it’s lot – there’s the indie-style guy who’s out of Imperial to do it, but the effect depressing, math-filled lives. Coming times. You know, on the news? When crucial that we... the cameras... surveil- of some kind of Asian descent, there’s is much the same – you all think you’re to Imperial to find yourself is like host- they interview people on the street? lance society. Oh, it’s all so fresh and the shorter English chap who’s balding Shaft. ing an AA meeting in a bar. It’s coun- Those people. With their ironed new, I bet it’s hard to pick a favourite. slightly and so ugly that mirrors actu- What the fuck is wrong with you ter-productive, you’ll look like a moron clothes and their opinion on Gordon Much easier to just regurgitate the ally peel off their silvery backing when people. Honest to God. The freshers and it’ll all end with you drinking your Brown, and the like. One day I went opinion in the Union as if it’s your own. he approaches them, and then the have an excuse, they’ve still not real- problems away. and bought a copy of Guardian and ac- After all, that’s what felix is here for. third guy is generally plucked straight ised that all of their ideas are about as Not that that’s a bad thing necessar- tually read the stories rather than just Christ, I hate this place. More specif- out of a Microsoft advert. Right. And good as Arsejuice Cola, but we’re talk- ily. I’m just saying, skip out the bit that looking at the pictures. Fortunately, ically – I hate you. You really are utterly they’ve got a female friend. So they ing students in their third or fourth requires effort. that all passed and I’m back to sitting pathetic. I mean all of you. meet her, and they spectate. It’s an in- years here, students who still think in my underwear writing out equations The sex bomb that commented last formal group conversation, but after they have dress sense, that they’re Welcome back, all. Missed you. Ryhs Davies: As Mad as Bicycles! “Weird people have more fun. They do weird stuff, meet other weird people and ... do even weirder stuff together”

alutations and good (insert a second year, wizened by experience, dull word in the English language. vised scheme and decided to be my- converted, even if they don’t know it time of day here) to you all. physically crippled by excessive book This was my plan and I stuck to it like self. Yes, cheesy, I know, but everybody yet. Science students are always a lit- Firstly, congratulations are borrowing – well, a little. This time, jam to the ceiling. But I soon realised else was taken. I did what I naturally do tle different – making numbers dance S in order. Belated, admit- last year, I was a fresh-faced fresher. To that the problem with being boring is... (I can’t go into the particulars for fear against their will, quoting Monty Py- tedly I slept in...for a week. the retrospective shame of the Admis- it is incredibly boring! Apart from the of incrimination), and, in the course thon verbatim, gently spooning the To second years and above, well done sions Office, I knew next to nothing. occasional flash mob, crowds don’t do of things, I attained a more, ah, inter- Laws of Nature – and Imperial is no on passing your exams and returning But this, I did know; I had a plan. much – they just occupy space – and esting perception. Thus, I stumbled different. Cumulatively, that’s more to the warm, fuzzy breast of the Col- In my school-days, I was regarded as as an individual in said crowd, you are upon my second epiphany of Freshers’ than a hundred metric crazies of weird. lege. To all you lovely freshers (yes, smart, affable but generally a bit of a a nothing. So, a dilemma arose; plain is Week. With so much insanity bubbling under that means you), you have my felici- oddball. I don’t know why. It may have boring, exciting is weird. What was a Weird people have more fun. They the surface, it makes for a pretty inter- tations in the felix on your entry into had something to do with what I did fresher to do? do weird stuff, meet other weird peo- esting place. one of the greatest universities in the with the squirrels (in my defence, they In truth, it was ridiculously simple. ple and (with any luck) do even weirder Whatever you do, make sure you do universe. So yes, welcome to Imperial! never found the bodies). But I decided We only get so much time on this big stuff together. As I reasoned earlier, something. If you’ve been to the Fresh- I thought I’d start the year off with a that I would change this perception blue marble so it’s important that we doing something beats doing nothing. ers’ Fair, you know you’re spoilt for bang. Literally. You have three seconds people had of me upon coming to Im- make the most of it. If you do some- Well, doing something weird counts choice. Doing something makes you before it explodes. Three, two, one... perial. I could start anew! I would still thing weird, at least you’re doing for double! I’m not one for giving ad- interesting (or weird, amoral, criminal oh, and good luck. be friendly, of course, but I would be something. If you’re doing nothing to vice, but you should definitely try – delete as appropriate), and makes Ok, who actually just put down their quiet. I would take a back seat. I would preserve your image, in the end, you’re something weird every now and then. Imperial interesting. Which not only felix? Own up. Ok, less bang, more blend seamlessly into the crowd. I still just doing nothing. And doing You’ll live longer, thus you’ll have more keeps me entertained in the short term whimper. But this brings me on quite would become as boring as the word something beats doing nothing every time for doing weird things. but also helps draw in more interesting nicely to my actual point. I, myself, am brown – which is possibly the most time. So I gave up my intricately de- I have a feeling I’m preaching to the people for the future. 8 felix FRIDAY 16 OCTOBER 2009 COMMENT [email protected] Hassan Joudi: A career in Defence? No thanks. “I’m proud of my invention, but I’m sad that it is used by terrorists... I would prefer to have invented a ... lawn mower”

s yet another academic equipment like pistols, rifles, grenade charges relating to bribery in the sale jure or maim them. If ever companies, particularly those in the year starts it is another launchers, munitions and landmines, of Eurofighter Typhoon aircraft to you are in any permanent five UNSC countries, are opportunity for employ- and all the accompanying technologies Saudi Arabia in a £6bn contract, happy to manufacture and sell to any A ers to recruit. The month that come with it. Few people will tell until they successfully lobbied buyer they can find, it’s the humans of October sees the an- you that there is a shortage of weapons the then-British Prime in poor war-trodden countries nual ritual known as the milk-round, in the world, in fact the general con- Minister Tony Blair that pay the price in the trekking of company HR teams sensus is that the world has too many to intervene bloodshed and from university to university, attending weapons, fuelling various conflicts and and halt lives lost. all manner of careers fairs, to interest wars in the world. the en- Whilst and sign up talented final year students A shocking statistic comes from not ig- to their graduate programmes. the United Nations Security Council nor- A feature of Imperial career fairs is (UNSC), the highest inter-govern- the high concentration of arms compa- mental body charged nies, which rightfully raises some ethi- with maintaining cal concerns among the student body. international peace. Perhaps owing to Imperial’s focus on Arms companies doubt science and engineering degrees, and in the per- of the our high-up-the-league-table status, manent five quiry. power ing oth- er arms companies seem to find a per- countries of the Recently in of modern causal fac- tors fect recruiting ground here in South UNSC: China, October 2009 BAE corrup- conventional of conflict like Kensington. France, Russia, tion again resurfaced in the news as weaponry, you can political disa- greement, When final year students come to the UK and USA they risked being taken to court, this just walk down Exhibition Road and religious schism or access to resources, choose which employers to work for, together manufacture 75% time to answer allegations of paying see for yourself. Opposite the Science it is clear that easy availability to such after years of hard graft at Imperial, of the world’s weapons. These weap- bribes to win contracts in Tanzania, Museum on the east side of Exhibition weapons is a major cause of sparking numerous factors are obviously con- ons are either sold to the country’s Romania and Czech Republic. In fact Road lies the V&A museum, where and elongating conflicts. Numerous sidered like starting salary, job location own government (domestic market) the international arms trade has been next to the Exhibition Road entrance international treaties exist which at- and employer reputation. The impor- or exported to foreign allies (foreign labelled by Transparency International is a section of wall damaged by bombs tempt to control the development, tance of each of these factors will of market). Who are the top recipients? as one of the three most corrupt busi- dropped on London by Nazi Germany manufacture, stockpiling and use of course vary from student to student, Developing countries with the money nesses in the world. during the Blitz in World War II. weapons. But the global defence in- but I would say that the ethical values to buy them of course, including ris- I believe we should not be doing The damaged section has been in- dustry is a powerful one with a long of the companies we apply to, especial- ing economic superpowers like India, things in life just because it earns us tentionally left there and text inscribed history of lobbying politicians, and for ly with respect to arms companies, is ex-Soviet states like Poland or oil-rich a good monthly salary. This is the at- next to it as the picture above shows. most people who work in it the impact just as important. Middle-Eastern states like Saudi Ara- titude of low-skilled occupations like This wall in London is the closest thing of their products matters little, as long I have called them “arms compa- bia, Egypt and the UAE. migrant labourers, factory workers or you can get to a gutted apartment as the sale makes a profit. nies” up until now, but they prefer to Estimates put the global amount of even prostitutes because they have lit- block in Lebanon or a bullet-ridden By now you might be thinking I’m call themselves the “Defence Industry”. money spent procuring, or buying, tle or no other choice on how to earn school classroom in Sierra Leone. Run some ardent pacifist, completely At last year’s IC Union Careers Fair in arms from private companies at 1 tril- their livelihood. As an Imperial gradu- your hand over the deep dents in the against war in any situation whatsoev- 2008 for example, we had BAE systems lion dollars a year, as these developed ate, despite the fewer graduate vacan- wall, feel the hardness of that stone and er. Well I’m not, because self-preserva- and Selex Galileo exhibiting, and other countries dedicate large chunks of cies available in the current economic imagine what that could have done to tion or self-defence is often necessary “Defence Industry” big names includ- their military budgets to beefing up recession, we are gifted with choice, human flesh. A boyish obsession with - like in the Nazi bombing of London ing Lockheed Martin UK, DSTL, their own armed forces. It’s no secret variety and options in what job we do tanks, guns and all-things military is in the 1940s - and for this reason, ad- Marshall Aerospace, ITT and that corruption, and political manipu- in life. understandable while fragging ene- vanced weapons and the companies Raytheon Systems to name lation, is common place in this weap- As Imperial students we learn tech- mies in Halo 3, Call of Duty or Counter that manufacture them are vital. What but a few. On their ons supply chain. In December 2006 nical knowledge and skills that most Strike: Source, but transferring it over I am arguing is that the lack of ethi- websites and BAE systems was about to be investi- of the general population don’t have to real life is quite frankly ridiculous. cal behaviour of companies like BAE brochures, gated on criminal the ability to learn. Surely there are Aircrafts and bombs are examples systems and Selex Galileo, and the their ‘About more useful ways of using our techni- of larger military hardware, but small ultimate use of most weapons in the Us’ blurbs talk cal knowledge than designing arms can cause just as much damage world today, should be of major con- about “advanced things which kill peo- and human suffering because they are cern to us Imperial students who they electronics”, “inte- ple, or worse in- present in greater quantities. Post-co- seek to recruit. Those of us applying grated security solu- lonial Africa is a continent character- to the graduate schemes of companies tions” and “land, sea ised by civil war, and with few weap- in the “Defence Industry” should think and air defence tech- ons factories of its own, it’s no surprise again. There are enough weapons in nologies”, but behind that 95% of ammunitions and arms the world today, but a million other all the euphemisms it used in African conflicts come from ways for Imperial students to use our doesn’t take an Impe- outside Africa. It begins with legal knowledge of science and engineering. rial student to figure sale of arms to African states, much Mikhail Kalashnikov, the 89 year old out that these are al- of which occurred during the Cold Russian inventor of the infamous AK- ternative ways of saying War in the 1970s and 1980s when the 47 rifle, said in an interview in 2002, “we make weapons.” US and USSR backed dictators of their “I’m proud of my invention, but I’m sad The word ‘arm’ is choosing. Through the black market, that it is used by terrorists... I would short for ‘armaments’, thousands, if not millions, of Glock prefer to have invented a machine that the weapons used in pistols, AK-47 Kalashnikov rifles and people could use and that would help military warfare. These other handheld weapons fell, and con- farmers with their work - for example a include large military tinue to fall, into the hands of war lords lawnmower”. Echoes of this quote lie in hardware like jet fight- and armed gangs. Albert Einstein’s remark on his role in ers, missiles, tanks, land Amnesty International estimates the development of the nuclear bomb, vehicles and battleships, there are 600 millions guns in circu- where he said, “If only I had known, I as well as small low-tech lation worldwide. While private arms would have become a watchmaker.” felix FRIDAY 16 OCTOBER 2009 9 [email protected] COMMENT Vicky Masding’s sacrifices for fashion “I will seek these babies out in a mass of bland clothing, keep them captive and revel in them. Maybe not quite that disturbingly.”

do not know about you or you growing similarity; I will seek these other customers, and for about ten far more note worthy. On one particu- year) due to staying up in the com- (my two readers), but I am cur- babies out in a mass of bland clothing, minutes no shop assistant, so it was lar occasion, I purchased some vintage mon room until four with some hard- rently in love with the embel- keep them captive and revel in them. just me in a room full of clothes; a real- cowboy boots – sounds fine, until you drinking freshers, I have had the rest of I lishment and ornamentation on Maybe not quite that disturbingly. ity I am in no way uncomfortable with. hear they were knee high white pear- the evening to watch Fringe and pon- clothes I have seen. No matter Nevertheless, I have chosen to take I was however soon joined by a puppy lescent leather with cut out design… der my attire for undoubtedly another how obscene, it seems to have some them on into the Narnia-like realms of sausage dog who was to be my spirit my face just contorted at the thought. I night of complete waste. I had settled kind of allure. Some beading, I admit my wardrobe and accept whatever fate guide it seems, throughout the shop- gave them to my mum, she loved them; on joggings and a top (I thought I can at times be gaudy, obnoxious even, they shall bring me. ping experience. Eventually a young I realize this was unwise. would keep it vague to avoid mockery) in its design; yet like those overly cocky I currently have a jumper that is so woman did appear, but the overall tone Since being back at Imperial I have with flip flops. I have since decided guys performing their nightly ‘gun- heavily beaded on the shoulders it is of the place didn’t change, she was re- forgotten how to dress. The reason be- socks would be an idea and a half con- show’ in their tight Ts and wife beat- going to add some serious tone to my freshingly discreet as shop assistants ing that I am Hall Senior in Beit, and sidering the hellish turn the weather ers, there is still some kind of hidden upper arm muscles (in relation to their go. The only anomaly in this otherwise as such I have had to develop a love has taken (I think it’s a sign from God charm beneath the bravado! ‘Some- current state of course…little bit of a perfect Alice in Wonderland style situ- for ketchup red and sunshine yellow that I should do some work this year, times’ (with slight withering belief). disclaimer there). This purchase was ation, was the fact I was soaking wet…I t-shirts; a skill I am yet to master. The no particular connection – only that he And so I am hoping this is a true af- made in Prague while “inter-railing” should make it clear this was physical only consolation being, that they are controls the heavens or whatever and fection I have found, rather than, as I – a term I have taken to using when evidence of my level of devotion to limited edition and in short supply. I think I’m practically on parole…for- sadly suspect, my overly suggestible describing my Europe-wide shopping shopping. I left my youth hostel in flip As this article has so far been chroni- give my paranoia) Anyway, as if under- soul has been convinced by asos.com trip. flops and a summer dress. It started cling my life right up to last week, I pinning the essence of my day I have to buy anything reflective. Conversely, Budapest currently takes the No.1 raining. I carried on. All day. So it was shall update you on my current state. realized my socks are odd, not so odd I fear this love is no new fling, rather, it prize for its hidden backstreet shops. far from a fashionable peak for me, in Having woken up at 16:41 (Awwwww it’s cool, just a little bit odd, so that it is resembles stalker-esque behavior with One tiny shop in particular, had no fact my fashion mistakes are probably noooo, not a good way to start the genuinely feeble. Dominic Cottrell has a passion for psychiatry “But apart from a brief phase of wanting to be a magician or maybe a sweet maker for me it was always psychiatry”

hen I was young, interface between the body and the ple’s fears of being reduced, actually repressive form, the Soviet Union es- unfair to judge the subject on the sins I wanted to be mind; for others it is a curious struc- and symbolically, to a series of neuro- sentially created a new and conven- of the past. However, those looking for a psychiatrist. ture with no real positive purpose. Of chemical and behavioural events. This iently vague form of schizophrenia, evidence for atrocities in psychiatry’s W My friends went course, neither of these perspectives is is the sentiment underlying the epithet sluggishly progressing schizophrenia past have no trouble finding them. through phases of fair. Psychiatrists, along with psychiat- “headshrinkers” or “shrinks”; by offer- to isolate and silence dissidents in state But, as I am neither a scientologist, wanting to be astronauts, soldiers or ric nurses, social workers and every- ing drugs to cure depressions, delu- run psychiatric hospitals (Psikhushka) nor opposed to the medicalisation of simply in charge of everything ever. one else in the field of mental health, sions and fears like any other ailment, and subject them to degrading and certain behaviours, why am I having But apart from a brief phase of want- perform a vital and by and large under there is an implication that it is possi- inhumane treatments. A little before doubts about entering the profession? I ing to be a magician or maybe a sweet appreciated job. I am not an “anti-psy- ble to cure the things that make us in- this, an American psychosurgeon suspect it’s because I am unsure of how maker for me it was always psychia- chiatrist” and this is not a critique of dividual: our irrationalities, quirks and named Walter Freeman had invented a to regard many current psychiatric ill- try. To this day I have no idea why any the field of psychiatry as it exists. Such flaws; the “kingdom of infinite space” new and more efficient means of lobot- nesses. I am unsure whether ADHD is nine year old should want such a thing; a thing is beyond the scope of this ar- becomes reduced, shrunk. It is worth omising patients severing the prefron- an actual sickness, or a label to sani- maybe watching The Silence of the ticle, and its author. It is an attempt to remembering that until only 1974, the tal cortex to calm excitable patients by tise the notion of unruly children. As Lambs made too much of an impres- understand why psychiatry is not asso- DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Man- inserting a long thin skewer into the newspapers proudly announce the sion on me (something I did not talk ciated with heroic medics as, say, car- ual of Mental Disorders, the guidebook orbital socket. Before developing the discovery of the gene “for” violence, about during my interview) or maybe diology or emergency medicines are; of American psychiatry) considered leucotome and orbitoclast, Freeman intelligence and other things, I grow it was due to an earnest and genuine or why psychiatry isn’t considered a homosexuality to be a valid symptom started with an ice-pick. Near the end ever more concerned that medicine interest in other people. The point is progressive success story like genetics of a diseased mind, not an integral of his career, Freeman was reduced to is taking on too much of a social role: moot anyway, as I don’t think I want to and immunology. component of identity. travelling the country in what he called the pharmacopeia replacing the prison be a psychiatrist anymore. Of all the medical specialities, few This brings us to the second reason – I kid you not – his “lobotomobile”, and neurodeterminism encroaching In the body of knowledge that is are as contentious in the public mind. why psychiatry is often viewed with searching for former patients to attest upon self-responsibility. Maybe that’s medicine, psychiatry sits where the For one thing, it’s seen as slightly sinis- mistrust: its history has been, on oc- to the efficacy of his procedure. We reasonable and appropriate, maybe our pineal gland used to: for some, it is the ter. I suspect this is partly due to peo- casion, very dark indeed. In its more live in more enlightened times and it is society has evolved. I doubt it. 10 felix FRIDAY 16 OCTOBER 2009 COMMENT [email protected] Jaimie Henry: Uncle Jaimie is dying. So are you.

“At the moment, I am on placement as a mushroom (i.e. kept in the dark and shat on) at a district general hospital”

t’s true. Admittedly not as acutely contemplating her 20th birthday. Birth- for her, she was right. 20 is old. onto my Spotify playlist. God save me. Take it as a warning, children. For you as the opening gambit makes out, days should be a happy affair, or at least At the moment, I am on placement as The more I do think about it however, should go out and get hammered and but you, I, the rector, Noel Ed- they always have been for me: presents a mushroom (i.e. kept in the dark and my friends and I are all the same. We attempt to sleep with the girl you’re Imonds – we’re all dying. and general sycophancy up until one hits shat on) at a district general hospital stay in and watch shit movies instead of facebook stalking. You should try eat- As depressing as such a sen- the tender age of 15, when this is happily about half an hour outside London. This going out to the cinema; we don’t go to ing jalapenos off a Swedish volleyball tence may be, I fear that as time march- replaced by the slow descent into alcohol- has its frustrations as we all desperately the fresher’s events because their youth- team. Definitely make spurious busi- es on and the fresher’s fortnight draws ism and the ignorance of basic contracep- fight over who gets to stick a patient ful exuberance is annoying and they ness decisions based on the fact that to a gentle close, the harsh reality of age tion. For the ex, however, this seemed to with a needle, so in an attempt to blow weren’t as hardcore as we were back you’re shouting “The FTSE’s on its arse won’t become apparent to you young have been replaced by a wistful look and off some steam I took a run along the in the day; and perhaps worst of all we again!” without actually knowing what whippersnappers until it’s too late. It a general malaise about the whole thing. river. Then it hit me; I am old as well. have all started sitting around a dining the difference between the FTSE and didn’t for me; it crept up on me in the She was “no longer a teenager,” and de- My fat beetroot of a face, desperately table drinking copious amounts of rea- your arse is. For at the end of it all, being same way I imagine David Cameron spite my protests that she had been a le- gasping for air, had become drenched in sonably priced red wine. As such, when a mushroom has taught me one thing: creeps up on the souls of the damned gal adult for almost two years none of my a bottle of Evian water – mockingly tell- one wakes up fully clothed on one’s bed, death is nothing but a horrifically polite – cunningly and with a little too much charm could make her see that I was right ing me to “live young.” I was listening to blue lips and contact lenses still in with nonchalance at the morning medical slime for my liking. Woo, go satire. and she should enjoy the excuse for mega- “Mack the Knife”; not The Prodigy, not nothing but sore eyes and a somewhat handover. Now, hopefully “Mr Henry... But I digress. This whole article probably lash. She said she “felt old.” Up until this N-dubz or whatever his name is – I was fruitless morning glory tucked some- err, up on Ward B4...no, sorry, passed seems a little odd, but in an attempt to give evening, I had put this down to the fact listening to Sinatra and company tell where it really shouldn’t be, perhaps it away,” might just become “That rich it some direction I shall take you back to that she was an interminably miserable me that I should fly to the moon. The is time to take action. fuckwit drunken sex-maniac pimp Mr last December, when my ex-girlfriend was old bitch. Now I realise that, shockingly other day Celine Dion found her way So to what end has this article been? Henry has finally croaked. Old bastard.” Gilead Amit gets a kick out of a dry spell... “All those who consider the BNP a viable option could be housed and bedded in Norfolk and quietly cast adrift in the North Sea”

times live we in turbulent. proper perspective, all men and women tures and peculiar facial contractions is uted to the billions of us who would their keenly developed sense of irony. Uncertain standards are, of voting age who consider the BNP a not something any sane person would find it convenient to prove our lack of Whatever the reasons, the deteriorating compasses are spinning reasonable alternative to the bipartisan do on a regular basis. It might, for one British affiliation. The difficulty is com- level of written English among students Tmoral, and even trusted can’t nightmare could be comfortably housed thing, get them mistaken for a politician. pounded by the unusual and irritating is cause for concern. You may see this be sentences properly to be and bedded in Norfolk and quietly cast But when the above contortions are English accent I seem to have picked as flying close to the hot, gaseous winds constructed. Situation the political in adrift in the North Sea. Until the good done for comic effect, the average man up from God-knows-where, and the of pedantry, but I beg to differ. There is country this testament unfortunate bears folk of Norfolk agree to open their gates on the street may be permitted a tem- pronounced pallor of my skin. In fact, nothing wrong with labor, neighbors, or, to, as noticed I am sure of you have many. to such an influx of potentially violent porary spell of lunacy if he refers to it as if the latest in a series of reports by Dr. indeed, with criticizing medieval theat- Whenever the whirlwinds of econom- and uneducated immigrants, however, sarcasm. Those of us with loftier aspira- Bernard Lamb is to be trusted (see page er programs. It is as ludicrous to judge ic hardship blow across the electoral the country at large will have to recon- tions are permitted even greater sins by 3), the only reliable distinguishing mark someone on their colour as it is on the seas, the ship of state veers dangerously cile itself to hearing the same tiresome virtue of vague references to irony. would be the quality of my English. Ac- basis of their spelling of color, and the to the right and metaphors are blown intolerant and intolerable remarks. Or at least, so I believed. And that cording to Dr. Lamb, a former reader in growing prejudice against American about like chocolate wrappers whipped Fortunately the British Naturalist Par- was the reason I permitted myself, on Genetics at Imperial College, those of spelling is indicative of the worst kind out of the hands of careless pleasure ty seems keen to provide employment a number of occasions throughout the you whose feet in ancient times walked of narrow-minded parochialism. Lan- cruisers. The past few years have proven for an entire generation of foreigners, as past year, to loudly proclaim: ‘Lousy im- upon England’s mountains green make guage evolves, and that is good. But la- no exception to that rule. To usurp the their policies and actions have provided migrants – coming over here and taking on average five times as many errors in ziness and ignorance, though inevitable, televangelists’ privilege of combining enough material for countless natural- our jobs!’ within earshot of passers-by. written English as the rest of us. In other are bad. To paraphrase Dr. Lamb, ema- arrogance with disregard for scripture, ised citizens to embark on profitable The truly ironic (ha ha) aspect of the words, it takes the combined effort of ciated seamen are not the same as emas- these have been years that the low- careers in stand-up comedy. On a more whole situation (tee hee) is that (oh, let five foreigners to write as badly as any culated seamen, and semen is a different classed hath eaten. intimate scale, though, the Banque Na- me wipe my eyes) I myself (please stop, one Englishman. You should be proud. kettle of fish altogether. Or a different The British National Party has seen a tionale de Paris succeeds in getting poor let me catch my breath) am foreign. Or could that be prowed? kettle of fish, all together. significant and alarming rise in its mem- bastards such as myself into awkward The trouble is, of course, that there The lack of respect the English have Standards and values are paternalistic bership in recent years, with counts es- social situations. is no convenient way to identify non- for their own language is something and disgusting words to use, granted; timating their total number of voters Bellowing out things you don’t believe citizenship of a given country. There is of a mystery. It could be the result of a but let’s face it, standerds and valews are to be over 900,000. To put this in its while performing demented hand ges- no un-ID card or anti-passport distrib- blithe, devil-may-care insouciance or even worse. Wednesday 28 October 11am - 4pm • Queen’s Lawn • Imperial College London • South Kensington

fi nd your future

Come and see all the big graduate recruiters in the Queen’s Lawn Marquee.

imperialcollegeunion.org/careersfair 12 felix FRIDAY 16 OCTOBER 2009

    #    ScienceScience EEditorsditors NNathanathan LLeyey & BBrigetterigette AAtkinstkins 

SCIENCE [email protected]  NASA bomb Moon in The ‘Creator’ or the ‘Separator’? search for water NASA hail mission a success despite claims the impact did not produce the spectacular dust plume expected

BBrigetterigette AtkinsAtkins Science Editor choosing the location for the crash, “If tion once the proposed lunar base it turns out to be as dull as it looked, I’d was completed and could even allow imagine the soil just didn’t respond as for missions to Mars to be launched It was set to be a big event. So big in- was hoped to being hit. It might mean from the Moon. fact, that the state of California had we don’t get sufficient data, which The mission has come under fire by provided large outdoor screens for would be a shame.” Anthony Colaprete, critics declaring it as a ‘live-fire test ex- the public to view the live event. On ercise for US war strategies’ and ques- the 9th October 2009, 12.31pm Brit- tioning the right NASA has to blow ish time, the spacecraft Lunar Crater craters into the Moon’s surface at will. Observation and Sensing Satellite Colaprete dismissed these views saying (LCROSS) crash-landed onto the collisions not dissimilar in magnitude Moon at a speed of 5,600mph. NASA $79 million to that created by the rocket happen to confirmed the empty rocket had suc- the Moon several times a month and cessfully crashed 100km from the lu- The total cost of sending LCROSS that no explosives were used during nar South Pole in the crater Cabeus. into space so far. For 2009, NASA the crash. Since the first lunar probe This created a new crater 60ft wide requested a budget for the year of in 1959, an estimated 170 tonnes of just a short distance from the pro- material has been crashed into or $16.2 billion, a 1.8% increase on last posed location of NASA’s manned abandoned on the Moon as a result lunar base, set to be completed by year’s request of more than 50 missions to the lunar surface. By comparision, only 400kg of Genesis: the first book of the Bible where the mis-translation is claimed to have lunar material has been brought back occured. Professor Ellen van Wolde claims an alternative meaning the lead investigator in the LCROSS to Earth. mission, claims sufficient data has We will have to wait to know the true 5,600mph been collected to answer the questions success of the mission as NASA have NNathanathan LLeyey Science Editor “bara” since it does technically mean set out to be solved by the mission. said they do not expect to announce “create”, but, in her words “something Those leading the project even say the any results for at least another two appeared wrong”. She said that “God impact speed lack of the much anticipated explosion months. One known success of the Finally, a quote from someone of the did not create, he separated: the Earth could prove to be very promising evi- mission was the burial of the ashes of other side that we can cling to. Re- from the Heaven, the land from the The Centaur rocket component of dence for water at the crash site in its planetary geologist Gene Shoemaker, spected Old Testament scholar and sea, the sea monsters from the birds LCROSS hit the moon at twice the own right, if the spacecraft landed in a which were carried onboard the craft. author Professor Ellen van Wolde has and the swarming at the ground”. speed of a bullet creating a crater 60ft lake or icesheet. He is only person ever to be buried on made fresh claims that the first sen- Furthermore, she added “there was wide This is not the first Moon bombing a celestial body. tence of genesis “in the beginning God already water.....there were sea mon- to have taken place. In 1998, NASA’s created the Heaven and the Earth” is sters. God did create some things, Lunar Prospector mission crashed in fact a mis-translation of the original but not the Heaven and Earth” be- into a nearby crater and confirmed Hebrew text. A “fresh textual analy- 2024. It was hoped this ‘bombing’ of the presence of hydrogen at the South 200 billion sis” carried out by the woman herself the Moon, which cost $79 million to Pole of the Moon. However, the dust has suggested that the book never in- “It meant to say carry out, would create a six mile high produced from the impact was insuf- tended to suggest that god created the cloud of lunar dirt visible from the ficient to confirm the presence of wa- litres of water world, instead claiming that the earth Earth. The plume would be analysed ter. If ice is found, the craters covering was already there when he created hu- that God did by scientists and used to confirm any the estimated 12,500sqkm of perma- The volume of water that could mans and animals. presence of water around the pole - nently shadowed lunar terrain could be contained in the permenantly The fresh analysis of the original he- create humans and an essential resource if people were to hold as much as 200billion litres of shadowed area of the moon at the brew text was carried out in the con- travel back to the Moon. water. Such a discovery would give lunar South Pole text of the bible as a whole and in the animals, but not However despite confirmation from potential for greater Moon explora- context of other creation stories from NASA that the crash was successful, ancient Mesopotamia. the Earth itself” viewers of the event, broadcast live on The conclusion was that the hebrew NASA’s website, were left disappointed verb “bara” (used in the first sentence as there appeared to be little evidence of genesis) does not mean “to create”, fore conclusively stating that “The of any impact whatsoever. In fact the rather “to spatially separate”. And so usual idea of creating-out-of-nothing, only evidence that the spacecraft had according to this, the first sentence creatio ex nihilo, is a big misunder- crashed on the moon was from data should now read “in the beginning standing” Quite a definitive statement relayed back to ground control from God separated the Heaven and the there, one which we should take very LCROSS’s own infrared camera. Eve- Earth”. This contradicts Judeo-Chris- seriously, and use to anger traditional- rything leading up to the crash went tian tradition, according to which it ists. Finally, a spokesman for the Rad- as planned following the launch of is said god created the Earth out of boud University said: “The new inter- LCROSS in Florida back in June this nothing. pretation is a complete shake up of the year. The early hours of Friday morn- According to this, the new analysis story of the Creation as we know it.” ing saw the craft split into its two sepa- now shows that the beginning of the What this does for the teaching of rate components. First, a 2.2 tonne Bible was not the beginning of time, creationism or the idea of creationism empty Atlas V Centaur rocket struck but the beginning of a narration. She on a fundamental level, we probably the Moon to create a debris cloud. The says “It meant to say that God did won’t find out and no doubt people main LCROSS craft, itself weighing in create humans and animals, but not will talk about this “finding” for a bit at 700kg, followed moments later. The the Earth itself”, and that this view of light debate. However, at the end idea being that it would pass through apparently fits in with ancient texts. of the day stuff like this comes up all the plume made by the first part of the According to Prof. van Wolde, the an- the time and this story will unfortu- rocket and collect data before hitting cient texts state that “there used to be nately carry no weight in the long the surface of the Moon four minutes an enormous body of water in which term despite Prof van wolde claim- after the Centaur rocket. monsters were living, covered in dark- ing that “The traditional view of God The full extent of the mission’s suc- ness”, and so logically this fits. the Creator is untenable now”. Trying cess is still unknown. Dr Vincent Eke, Artist’s impression of the moment of separation of the LCROSS which The evidence appears scant as to the to get a quick few minutes of fame, University of Durham was involved in happened on the early hours of Friday morning method she used to redefine the word perchance? felix FRIDAY 16 OCTOBER 2009 13 [email protected] SCIENCE Is Darwin’s theory just that, a theory?

MMicoico TatalovicTatalovic Science Reporter lions of years: “Extrapolating to longer time periods can be harder, for exam- ple understanding how species diverge Is evolution just a theory? “If you don’t over millions of years, because we can’t know the answer to that question I do watch what happens in a human life- not want to talk to you.” says Professor time. However, we can make hypoth- Lande, an evolutionary biologist at Im- eses about what has happened and perial College London. His attitude re- then find evidence that supports those flects views of many bwiologists tired either using fossil or DNA sequence of having to re-affirm the very basis of evidence.” their field of study every time they talk Nevertheless, Coulson denies ab- to non-experts. Although evolutionary solute certainty to our knowledge of theory has been the overarching para- The evolution of man from the point of view of Games editor, Mike Cook...... evolution, but he wouldn’t expect it digm uniting all fields of biology since oh burn! to be wrong any more than he would Darwin, there are still those who not expect an apple not to fall off the tree. only do not accept it but claim that it community and their spokespeople, as Darwin envisaged. Albert Philli- need testing, they agree on one thing: He says: “Evolution is an active sci- is not true. the science writers, to a growing pub- more, an evolutionary biologist from evolution is not just a theory, it’s a fact. ence with many unsolved questions This year has seen unprecedented lic unawareness of what Darwinian Imperial College London says “Dar- They are less shy then professor Lande and indeed new questions to be dis- celebrations of the 200th anniversary evolution is and hence to growing ac- win’s insights into evolution through to explain why this is so. Phillimore covered, but the evidence for evolu- of Charles Darwin’s birth and 150th ceptance of alternative, non-scientific natural selection are fundamental to says that “Evolution is to all intents tion even over long timescales is as anniversary of the publication of his theories of origin and evolution of life my work... Famously, however, Dar- and purposes a fact. Minor nuances robust as, for example, for planetary revolutionary book “On the Origin on Earth. Perhaps the scariest variant win did not actually shed light onto the of the evolutionary process may be motion, gravity and the expansion of of Species”. Newsstands were packed of this, at least to a scientist’s rational origin of species. We still don’t actually revised as we learn more but Darwin’s the universe.” mind, is the Intelligent Design, an at- know exactly how important natural insights into the role of natural selec- So it appears that biologists at Impe- tempt to justify scientifically literal selection as a driver of the speciation tion in driving evolution will not. Jerry rial College are pretty sure that evolu- “Darwin did not creationist understanding of the Bible process.” Coyne excellent book entitled ‘Why tion is a fact. They watch it happen on and its say about how and when life Others still work to prove or disprove Evolution is True’ marshals all of the daily basis and most are happy to share actually shed light on Earth started. Theory of evolution some of controversial and uncertain overwhelming body of evidence for that information with the rest of us. was often featured in the media a few predictions from Darwin’s theory. Vin- evolution.” Savolaien agree with him Others, like Professor Lande, are more onto the origin of years before the anniversary, but it cent Savolaien, another biologist from stating that “many facts prove evolu- reserved about talking to people on was usually in relation to Intelligent Imperial College London explains how tion happens, such as the evolution whether evolution is a fact or a theory. Design. Darwin relates to his work: “Darwin of diseases and emergence of new But can we really blame him? Would species.” But the fundamental difference be- wrote about the origin of species with- viruses”. any physicists be willing to talk to us tween Darwin’s theory and creation- out geographic isolation - a controver- Tim Coulson, a biologist at Imperial if we approached them with a question ism is that Darwin did not actually il- sial topic called ‘sympatric speciation’. College London, knows evolution is a “Is gravity just a theory?” So, I go back with magazines carrying cover stories luminate how life started. Darwin only It has been debated for two centuries, fact because he watches it happen. “I to Professor Lande and explain that I about Darwin and his theory of evo- explained how, once started, life could and I published the most convincing can watch evolution occurring in bac- know the answer to the controversial lution by natural selection; museums have evolved over millions of years. He case of sympatric speciation so far, teria in my lab: over a period of weeks question, but would like to hear his and universities organised exhibitions called this mechanism of evolution and looking at two species of palm trees on they adapt to changes in culture me- opinion on it. Unconvinced, he prom- and events dedicated to the great diversification of species the natural se- a remote oceanic island.” dium. Similarly, I can show that natu- ises to grant me another interview that man, the founder of modern biology. lection. And biologists today still relate But although both of these biolo- ral selection - the theory for explaining will start with him asking me a ques- To an innocent bystander a lot of it to Darwin’s theory as they work within gists acknowledge that Darwin didn’t adaptation - has occurred.” tion and only proceed if I answer this could have appeared to be a sort of the understanding that evolution did explain how life originated, and that But he is wary of suggesting that we to his satisfaction: “Is evolution just a defensive response by the scientific indeed happen in much the same way there are still facets of his theory that know exactly how it happens over mil- theory?”

Smart Second Skin: the intelligent dress that releases scents to match your mood

MMicoico TatalovicTatalovic Science Reporter Smart Second Skin combines emerg- of smell and human health and well- five years. ing lab-on-chip technology with being” says Tillotson. “75% of the emo- Joseph Kaye, an IT researcher from miniature bio-sensors. Lab-on-chip tions that we generate on a daily basis Cornell University, is sceptical about You are driving to work in the morn- allows the storage and handling of are affected by smell. Certain odours most existing applications of computer- ing and a gentle scent of citrus fruits tiny amounts of fluids on small chips. can also relieve side effects from chem- ised scent technology. “A lot of the cur- is keeping you alert. There’s a fly in These chips can be programmed to re- otherapy, or significantly benefit peo- rent technology is a solution looking for the car, but before its buzzing starts lease specific scents at specific times. ple who suffer from insomnia, muscle a problem,” he says. “We haven’t figured to annoy you the tiny sensor on your “Just as people store different genres stiffness, bronchitis, poor concentra- out exactly the right applications for it cuff button detects and zaps it with a of music on their iPods, this method tion, indigestion, and high-blood pres- yet. I think there are astonishing things targeted amount of insecticide. You offers a new sensory system to col- sure. So eScent could help maintain a we could do with the technology but I get into the office and you smell great lect and store a selection of fragrances good mood by releasing, for example, don’t think we have a good handle on – that new perfume you downloaded close to the body: a modern iPod of lavender or rose scent to increase re- what those actually are yet.” from the web is really doing it for you. the fragrance industry embedded in laxation or jasmine and citrus scent Kaye designed “Dollars & Scents” But after a stressful meeting the tiny fashion” Tillotson says but adds, “I to avoid depression, when the system device that proved popular with the biosensors in you clothes are detect- am more interested in health aspects senses that person is getting stressed financial workers who would smell ing that you need to relax so a calming linked to Aromachology, the science of or anxious”. Tillotson is currently plan- a mint if the market was up that day, lavender aroma instantly fills your per- fragrance, rather than just a gimmicky ning an exhibition for the Institute of or lemon if the market had gone sour. sonal scent bubble. scent delivery system that substitutes Psychiatry in London, UK, as “They His “Honey I’m Home” transmits scent This may sound like science fiction, the perfume bottle.” felt that many of their patients would to the loved one, subtly letting them but a handful of enthusiasts have been Tillotson’s newest gadget is the but- benefit from stress-reducing clothes.” know you are thinking about them, working quietly on this nascent tech- ton-sized eScent. It contains bio-sen- Another application of this interac- without interrupting their work with a nology. One of them is Jenny Tillotson, sors that monitor changes in the blood tive scent delivery system is eMos, a phone call. This idea of using scent for a researcher and a designer at the Uni- pressure, respiration and skin’s electric miniature gadget which senses the conveying intimacy at a distance could versity of the Arts in London, UK. potential. When they detect a change sound frequency of a flying mosquito be the way forward. Tillotson is creat- Tillotson produced the world’s first they send signals to the lab-on-chip approaching the skin and then triggers ing a personalised scent bubble that interactive scent outfit as part of her devices, which then change the type or the emission of a small amount of in- could convey romantic and even sexual PhD in emerging textile technologies. intensity of fragrance released. eScent sect repellent. This targeted, localised information to others. She called her prototype dress Smart detects mood changes such as stress or release of insect repellent avoids the “One area that looks promising is Second Skin: ‘smart’ because it senses anxiety build-up and controls them by need to apply large quantities of the Tillotson’s work,” says Kaye. “This is for the wearer’s mood; ‘second skin’ be- releasing appropriate scents to soothe chemicals onto our skin. It also reduc- a simple reason, that people do wear cause it interacts with the wearer and the wearer. es environmental effect of such chemi- scents so there is a real potential there Smart Second Skin interacts with the their environment, extending the skin There is ample data to show that cals. Tillotson says eScent and eMos if that can be incorporated more into wearer to produce scents appropriate as our interface with the environment. there is a “direct link between the sense will be on the market within the next everyday life.” to their mood and environment 14 felix FRIDAY 16 OCTOBER 2009 PPoliticsolitics Editors JamesJames Goldsack, Katya-yani Vyas,Vyas, JamesJames Lees and Phil MurrayMurray POLITICS [email protected] Tory £7,000 tuition fee proposal ChairsC and Nazism PPhilhil MMurrayurray Politics Editor Walking into felix today, passing James Goldsack Politics Editor through South Kensington Station, I saw a London Evening Standard Head- line that read ‘Tories to charge stu- dents £7000 fees’. Ouch! I picked up a azism. It is a very dirty up, Simon Bird would bark at them, copy and read the article. word. Since the end of commanding them to be seated. It was Shadow Universities Secretary Dav- the Second World War very much a recurring theme, repeated id Willetts has today announced he N people have been keen constantly from all sides. is to consider raising the annual fee to seem opposed to eve- One member of the crowd (presum- cap from the current £3225 to £7000. rything this ideology espouses. ably) felt so overwhelmed by this, he Many University leaders back the Nazism, despite being specifically attacked Simon Bird. I like to think he move, including our own Rector, Sir named after the German National- shouted “Down with Chair Nazism” Roy Anderson. sozialismus Party, is a very wide-rang- whilst throttling him against a struc- Student Body NUS President Wes ing term. Academically considered a tural pillar. (I would like to point out for Streetling said “It is of serious concern relative of Fascism, this ideology in- legal reasons that I do not condone vio- that the Conservatives seem so relaxed corporates the key elements of racism, lence, even when utilised in a struggle about entertaining the notion of more collectivism, eugenics, anti-Semitism, for freedom against oppression). than doubling fees when they have not anti-communism, totalitarianism and By the end of the performance, the committed to a clear policy for stu- an opposition to economic and political guard looking over my group of the dents and their families ahead of the liberalism. persecuted had vanished allowing us to general election.” Shadow Universities Secretary David Willetts supports raising tuition fee cap Except in Germany under Hitler’s resume our much preferred position of David Willetts went on to to say that Chancellorship there has never been standing with no threat of retribution, universities would need to prove the one central movement, but rather com- much to Ms. Publicist’s despair (I hope). extra money would be beneficial to is due within weeks, with calls from the ing this year, are these plans just a way binations of the elements listed above. The people I feel most sorry for are students, but failed to address the is- conservatives to make it a cross-party of decreasing applications, rather than Why am I banging on about Nazism? those who dedicated their time and en- sues of increased student debt and stu- debate. increasing the number of quality plac- Last week I came face to face with ergy into making the event a success, dent financing. With more than 141,000 UCAS ap- es available to students? Is the raise to the most barbaric form of Nazism since namely the RSCU team. It is such a A Government university fee review plicants left without places after clear- benefit those who will have to pay? 1945. shame that insanity and crazed author- Chair Nazis, doing the bidding of ity had to screw it up. their Führer, Simon Bird’s publicist. God, I hate Nazis. She may not have had the moustache On a lighter note, it is wonderful to of murderous authority but she imple- see a politician striving for the right mented her Nazi ideology through her thing. Nick Clegg, leader of the Lib- “Critical milestone” reached for US Health Bill band of blue-shirts. eral Democrats and with any luck next They may have just been following Prime Minister of the UK, has been orders but that was no excuse after calling for more expenses to be repaid. PPhilhil MMurrayurray Politics Editor full support behind plans to help end calls, history calls”, but admits “there World War Two and it certainly will He believes that the expenses audit poverty in one of the most developed are many, many miles to go”. Now that not be now. The severity of the crimes should be widened to force those who countries in the world is beyond me. it has passed the finance committee, it against humanity exceeded anything I “flipped” homes or avoided capital Obama’s Healthcare Reform Bill has Most arguments come under the must go in front of a Senate healthcare have previously witnessed. I hope I will gains tax to pay the money they stole this past week been passed by a Senate lame variety of ‘It’s the immigrants committee, and finally the full Senate never live to see such times again. from the taxpayer. Finance Committee. fault’, and fail to look at the poor, job- before being passed. There is no guar- Last Thursday was Ms. Publicist’s For a long time now the Liberal Dem- Since Entering the White House in less or just plain unlucky Americans. antee of its final fate. Kristallnacht, Komödie Nacht if you ocrats have been the sole voice calling January, Obama has made this reform This being passed shows at least one President Obama called the passing will. for changes to the expenses system bill his top domestic priority, pledging Republican Senator, Olympia Snowe, of the bill a “critical milestone”. “We The events of Komödie Nacht were to prevent MPs profiting from homes to get this bill passed by the end of the coming to her senses, and has broken are closer than ever before to passing part of a broader plan of oppression and funded by the taxpayer. It is necessary year. And it looks like he might actu- away from the rest of her party by vot- healthcare reform but we are not there persecution. to “rebuild faith in politics” to ensure ally do it. ing with the Democrats on the com- yet,” he said. “Now is not the time to Before the event even kicked off, Ms. that MPs pay for their unscrupulous The US, unlike the UK or any other mittee to pass the bill. pat ourselves on the back... It is time to Publicist commandeered the RCSU raping of the system. developed country for that matter, Senator Snowe said ”When history dig in further and get this done.” event, forcing the Union to advertise If we cast our minds back, we will re- does not have a universal free health- it as “Simon Bird’s Event” rather than member that the Conservative MPs had care system for its citizens. No NHS, RCSU’s. The event was hijacked by a the worst record; a duck pond here, a meaning individuals have to fund their woman crazed by power. moat cleaning there... I laughed when I own healthcare costs, in most cases, Before the night in question, the found that last one out. through insurance. This system basi- headline band due to perform prior to Tory twat. cally says ‘No insurance, no hope’. The the comedy were removed from the Every MP who in some way screwed healthcare costs are rising, and with marquee under direct instruction of us over should be held to account. No unemployment also rising, more and Ms. Publicist and forcibly expelled into one should be able to escape the up- more Americans every day are unable DB’s. rising of the people demanding their to cover medical costs. On Komödie Nacht the Chair Na- money back. In August 2008, the US Census zis rounded up all those standing and This comes at a time when it has Bureau estimated that 46.3 million forced them to be seated. I was one such come to light that, contrary to David Americans, of a total population of person and upon dissention I was given Cameron’s promise, not all Conserva- 300 million (15%), did not have any a strict verbal warning. For fear of being tive MPs have paid back expenses they health insurance, and millions more brutally beaten I sat back down. claimed wrongly or immorally and even were under-insured. This is before Ms. Publicist had ordered that no one that they perhaps never will repay them. the worst of the US economic prob- should be standing except against a side I will not be voting for these public lems – it wasn’t until September 2008 of the marquee. What was she think- rapists. that Lehman Brothers Bank Col- ing? What a ridiculous thing to ask. I However, to be balanced, retrospec- lapsed. The numbers would only have was one of the unlucky ones who had tive rulings are very on very dubious risen since then. to sit right at the back so could not see legal and philosophical foundations. I Obama’s plan was to help those with a single thing that was happening. My- am uneasy with such things but there is insurance keep insurance, those with- self and my comrades were up in arms a reason this time to perhaps allow ret- out insurance get insurance, and to about this decision and tried to reason rospective penalties: to restore public slow the growth of healthcare costs. with the blue-shirts to no avail. confidence. What surprises me most is that there The iron grip of the Führer was too It is obvious that change is now need- has been a lot of opposition to these tight around their necks. ed throughout the political system in proposals. How ethically-challenged Throughout the whole show, when- this country and many others across the would someone (mostly Republican ever any member of the crowd stood globe. Senators) have to be to not throw their Supporters of President Obama’s reforms march through the streets of Boston felix FRIDAY 16 OCTOBER 2009 15 [email protected] POLITICS Shock over Nobel Peace Prize winner

AAnthonynthony MMainaaina official reasons included his “extraor- dinary efforts to strengthen interna- tional diplomacy”, and the fact that he The news surprised many, including has “captured the world’s attention and the President’s own press secretary, given its people hope for a better fu- whose first reaction to the news was ture”. You’ve got to figure it must have a stunned “Wow”. And although he’s been a pretty slow year for peacemak- still been unable to bag that quintes- ing when the guy they give the award sential yet elusive benchmark of life- to gets it because of what he would like time achievement, an honorary degree to do. Except it wasn’t quite, was it? from Arizona State University, Barack Let’s have a look at others shortlisted Obama can now add a Nobel Peace for this year’s award. There’s Morgan Prize to his already impressive stack Tsvangirai, Zimbabwe’s Prime Minis- of extraordinary achievements (which, ter, whose tireless efforts to preserve remember folks, already includes a unity and hope in Africa’s most dis- Grammy). heartened country (not to mention un- Let’s put this in perspective; only der the world’s worst boss) must surely three US presidents before Obama deserve some sort of accolade. have won a Nobel Peace Prize in the Then there are Chinese dissidents award’s history. And of them, two such as Wei Jingsheng, who spent 17 (Theodore Roosevelt and Woodrow years in a Chinese labour camp for Wilson) received the award before encouraging reforms of the Chinese World War 2, and the third (Jimmy Communist Party (CCP) and democ- Carter) received the award long after racy and environmental activist Hu he had left office. So it surely must Jia, who was sentenced to 3 and a half have taken something pretty damn years in jail last year for “subversive ac- heroic for Obama to carry this prize tivities”, the label given to her attempts a mere 9 months into his presidency, to publicize the plight of the persecut- right? Well, this is where it gets slightly ed Falun Gong minority. confusing. Because you see, he hasn’t Surely by overlooking the struggles done terribly much. Mahmoud Ah- of these and other leaders, the Nobel madinejad (despite saying he “wasn’t Prize committee has committed the upset” at Obama’s award) hasn’t sud- crime of denying some of the world’s denly seen the light. Tensions in the most oppressed people the public- This year’s surprise winner of the Nobel Peace Prize, President Obama, pledges the $1.4 million prize money to charity Middle East are still arguably as high as ity and public acknowledgement that they were at the start of Obama’s term. they crave, and indeed need. Can it The award comes as Obama ponders possibly be fair to give the award to a as phony and cynical would be imma- a reason to believe in hope again. The Palestinian sides culminated in the sending over an additional 20 to 40 man who is already the world’s most ture and pretentious. They argue that platform itself of Obama’s election vic- celebrated Camp David accords, had thousand more troops into Afghani- famous and widely loved leader? For having surmounted impressive odds tory was the embrace of a multilateral to wait 22 years (and do a whole lot stan, which ironically enough would no other reason than him wanting to by becoming America’s first African- approach to leadership that had been more heavy lifting diplomacy-wise) make this year’s Peace Prize laureate a achieve what he was expected to in American president, Obama (and the long scorned and ridiculed as weak and after leaving office to pick up the cov- war president. the first place? American people) have scored a ma- ineffectual by the serial democracy- eted award. So why did the Nobel Prize Commit- And yet there are those who argue jor victory over the legacy of a scarred mongers of the Bush administration. Maybe it was, as some suggest, just tee settle on him for the award? The that to immediately dismiss this award and painful past, and given the world And one should not gloss over the another finger in the eye of the Bush fact that Obama took a stand against administration; a thumbs up to the the Iraq war at a time when it was risky American people for at last electing even within his own party to do so. He somebody willing to adopt a style so certainly has shown no small amount radically different (in tone at least) of intent to get the world to start talk- to Mr Bush’s. But this would seem ing again; his generous overtures to the petty, and in this writer’s view highly Arab world have been met with the unlikely. relief of a world weary of being forced Perhaps the most important im- to pick sides in George Bush’s unhappy pact will come from the Obama ad- and destructive “for-or-against-us” ap- ministration’s reaction to the award. proach to geopolitics. He has opened The president has not been slow to the door to talks with Iran over nuclear acknowledge that he had perhaps not affairs, removing the precondition yet earned the accolade, expressing that Iran first abandon enrichment of his feeling that he “ (did not ) deserve uranium. North-Korea has also been to be in the company of so many invited to closer engagement with the transformative figures that have been West, and Russia has been treated with honoured by this prize”. a warmth and respect neither imag- In accepting this award, he must ined nor expected during the Bush ad- know that he has set the bar pretty ministration’s tenure. high for himself. A significant failure But eloquent words, determined ac- in international diplomacy or Ameri- tion and concrete results are quite dis- can foreign military involvement af- tinctly different things. Ronald Reagan ter having accepted this award could worked tirelessly to create a unified, permanently tarnish a potentially free and safe world, playing an impor- monumental legacy. tant role in liberating Eastern Europe Mr Obama is famously inscrutable, and articulating his vision of a world sometimes leaving even his closest free from nuclear weapons. Did he get allies guessing at his inner motives. a Nobel for all his effort? No. Whether he accepted the award Woodrow Wilson picked up a Nobel in a fit of vanity or with an eye to a prize for his role in creating the League grander design is something perhaps of Nations, a pursuit noble enough in only time will reveal. So too whether purpose but which eventually created giving the award to such an inexpe- a body now historically infamous for rienced president so early in his first being ineffectual, dithering, and ap- term was a prudent choice by the peasing a dangerous regime, ultimately Norwegians. failing to prevent the most devastating war of the Modern Age. Jimmy Carter, whose role in bringing Want to write for Politics? Email us at Morgan Tsvangirai, Zimbabwean Prime Minister, the man many believe should have been 2009 Nobel Peace Laureate together bitterly opposed Israeli and [email protected] 16 felix FRIDAY 16 OCTOBER 2009

    #    Business Editor Sina AtaherianAtaherian 

BUSINESS [email protected]  Finding, Investing in and Growing A new start-up is exciting entrepreneurs on campuses across the country. Business Editor Sina Ataherian interviews its founder James King, and its biggest success story: SpineStrength’s Doug Higgins

ast week I came across an he talked about expensive campus Pitfalls of Patents are discussed.” intriguing company. It was societies. I ended the interview by asking Doug a new start-up called Find- This is also how he views his busi- Issues surrounding intellectual prop- how he would advocate FIG to entre- L InvestGrow, or FIG, which ness. Clearly there are substantial costs erty also cause some aspiring entrepre- preneurial friends back at Imperial. offers a completely unique involved in starting a new venture neurs to delay starting their company. “Look at their success. I think you just and exciting service. If this article is and seeing it through its early growth It is important to remember that ideas have to look at what they have done. beginning to sound like the ones we phase before it becomes profitable. cannot go anywhere if they are never That is their biggest selling point.” get paid to write, mostly for big City FIG believes that these should, as far as shared with anyone. “Ideas are two a The company has already acquired recruiters, it is not – they really are this possible, be taken on by the investors. penny. It’s not the idea that is worth office space in Marylebone to offer awesome. The best thing about them As Mr. King put it, “so who would you money, it’s all the thinking around for free to its entrepreneurs. They also is that they seem to do everything ex- charge - the rich investor whose got all it,” advises Mr King. It is important plan to roll out other benefits such as actly how you would think it should the money or the student who is just to discuss concepts with experienced free gym membership cards by Christ- be done. Investors make money from trying to keep the idea going?” professionals, likely consumers, and mas. They may be expected to set up people pitching ideas to them, so it is FIG went live this September and others who can help before basing a a foundation for that, to benefit from strange that they make themselves so is already supporting seven promis- business on them. charitable status. But yet again Mr inaccessible. FIG allows entrepreneurs ing student-led enterprises (it was six interview and found many more peo- There is also a warning about IP law King showed his excellent eye for busi- to develop their business plan online when I first wrote this sentence and ple with an interest in starting their firms. FIG works with IP21 because ness opportunities by pointing out using a unique step-by-step method. may be more before this paper gets own business than we expected. Three they have provided them with a con- “there are benefits to running this as If there are specific weaknesses, they out). issues repeatedly came up: whether sistent service and because the firm part of our company, like sponsorship help resolve them. The process swiftly The most successful so far is this is a good time to get started, how caps its own fees. Many law firms will and other partnership opportunities.” identifies those ideas that deserve no SpineStrength, founded by Doug Hig- an idea can be developed and pro- not, since it is easy to enter open-end- He may well be able to profit from giv- more of their pursuer’s time. It also gins, a former rugby captain here at tected at the same time, and what to ed contracts were they continually ask ing people things for free. allows good concepts to develop fur- Imperial. do and avoid in order to maximise the for more money. FIG is growing fast in part because ther through supporting events such His product is an ingenious piece of chance of success. they are open to different ways of as workshops, until they are ready to improving. Unlike any venture capi- be pitched to investors. These are peo- tal firms that you are likely to come ple hand-picked by FIG to understand across, they welcome suggestions from where student start-ups are coming all quarters. As their target clients, stu- from and not screw them over. dents are encouraged to contact them At first the company seemed to have directly if they have any ideas about question marks hanging over them. how they can continue to develop and Walking along Princes’ Gardens to improve as a company. meet them at the new Eastside restau- As former Imperial students, both rant on a brisk Monday morning, I had Doug Higgins’ and James King’s sto- a sense that this would or would not ries should inspire anyone here who go well. I was certainly not surprised to has good ideas floating around their meet a pair of highly impressive figures mind alongside doubts as to wheth- with a clear and strong vision of where er they can really put in all the hard they were and where they wanted their work. There is no down side to getting businesses to go. But I was also pre- started. Since FIG’s business model is pared for an offer of a free London flat gym equipment that allows develop- Opportunities in Recession Advice from the Top geared towards sharing the profits of as long as I first sent the key deposit to ment of neck and lower back muscles, success rather than providing expen- its Nigerian clergyman owner. which are needed during scrummag- We often hear that recessions are a A great idea is the most important sive services to likely failures, they will My suspicions about the company ing. He came up with the idea as a great time to start a business. FIG was thing that FIG looks for. Other than give an honest, impartial and objective were based on them sounding so good. mechanical engineering student, when more realistic about this, suggesting it this, Mr King recommends thorough account of how good your idea is. You Since a certain US presidential cam- he injured himself and found nothing may be a mixed bag. research, “you’re all students; you never know; Doug was probably not paign in 2008 I’m not too surprised in the gym to help his rehabilitation. “Hard times force you to do things should know how to research. If some- always sure that he would be running a to see big things not well covered by What started as an undergraduate de- differently, so investors are going to one comes and says ‘I think this [piece million pound company today. mainstream media, but this seemed sign project has now been taken on by be more open-minded, and it will be of gym equipment] will support the exceptional even for them. So I asked gyms and sports coaches across the easier to talk to them,” Mr King noted. back because I think it will,’ that’s dif- about it, earning the decisive answer country as way to allow athletes to re- On the other hand, many companies ferent from ‘I’ve done all this research “because we’ve only been doing this duce training-related injuries. and individuals have less money to in- and it points to...’ Know your market for three weeks.” We can be fairly sure FIG is growing fast. Mr King has an vest. This should not be accepted as a and your product.” of seeing and hearing a lot more about open mind about whether they will blanket excuse, however, “we actually He would not name the most comi- them in the coming months. cover student enterprise abroad be- turned down someone who wanted to cal evaders of this rule, but said, “I’ve FIG offers a broad mix of services to fore other types of start-up at home. be a FIGurehead for that reason. had seven people phone up and say support would-be student entrepre- Given the intricate understanding of Another FIGurehead pointed out they want to start up look-alike agen- neurs with great ideas and potential, the company of the unique challenges something he had said, which was un- cies because ‘my friends all think I but not much else. They have partner- faced by student entrepreneurs, this acceptable. Remember these people look like a celebrity.’ I just tell them ok, ships with everyone from patent law- seems likely. Less than a month after are all high net worth individuals. If google ‘celebrity look-alike agency’.” yers to design specialists, selected to beginning to get the word out, they they tell you they are doing badly, they Another thing to avoid is phoning up reduce the risk of new start-ups losing have already been approached by com- probably still have at least £10 million to pitch an idea. The website makes the out to unscrupulous suppliers for want panies from across Europe, the USA in the bank. Or even £1 million; its way process extremely clear and straight- of experience. They seem to have re- and the Middle East. more than you need.” forward, “but they still phone up and ally thought this through. FIG clearly has huge potential, but So the lesson is to use the recession well, I’ll listen to what they have to say I suggested we meet at Eastside this does not always translate to tangi- to your advantage. You can often claim but that tells me immediately that they thinking the place was an example of ble results. Doug Higgins has come to discounts because of it, but you should have not looked at the website.” universities taking students more se- know their value as well as their limi- not afford the same opportunity to Another piece of advice was “I am riously and trying to nurture creativ- tations better than anyone. “Without others. so pleased when people tell me they ity. It turned out to be an appropriate FIG I would not have raised the money. One of Mr King’s friends got £700 would like to set up a business but are venue for a different reason. James No question about it; just would not Wimbledon tickets for £250 using going to wait until they have a good King, FIG’s founder, was surprised at have happened. James got me talking the ‘times are tough’ argument. At idea...don’t just say ‘I’m going to do my how expensive everything was. “Stu- to all the people I needed to talk to the same time, he has seen many own thing, and I’ll think about what it dents are not the people to be milk- and now here we are.” I suspect he may investors try to gain larger equi- is later.” And if you have no good ideas ing,” he complained. This understand- well have got the money anyway, but ty for their investment using the yet? “Clubs and societies are a good ing of student poverty combined with it sounds like FIG made the process same line, but climb down against place. I know here Imperial entrepre- an underdeveloped sense of the value much smoother. determined negotiation from the neurs is quality but also...sports clubs, of money was further shown when felix went around campus before the entrepreneur. ethnic societies...anywhere good ideas felix FRIDAY 16 OCTOBER 2009 17 [email protected] BUSINESS In other news: Tory Conference, Nobel Prizes & more

t last the likely post-May Brief News -elections Chancellor of the Exchequer has A explained in detail how his government will be- gin to repay the record deficit. In a much-anticipated speech at last week’s Conservative Party Conference in Manchester, George Osborne unveiled some of the places where the axe will have to fall. This was always going to be a tough choice. The polls have been shouting for months that the voters want, above anything else, politicians to be hon- est and tell them how they plan to fix the country’s finances. Yet when John Smith tried this same tactic before the 1992 general elections, it backfired spectacularly. Voters saying they want the truth about cuts are often assumed to mean they would like someone else’s Loans in Our Time years time, since low interest is practi- services and their own taxes to be cut. cally the sole reason for grossly over- The Conservatives have a very com- In a report published on Monday by priced housing. But there are plenty fortable majority. This is due to the the Centre for Economics and Business of other reasons for broke students to man who has worked tirelessly for the Research (CEBR), the Bank of England want to borrow. They should be hap- last two years to make them electa- base rate is predicted to remain at its py at the prediction of slightly lower Strong Results for JP Morgan Fewer More Job Losses ble again: Gordon Brown. This was a current near-all-time-low of 0.5% un- repayments. very risky move on their part. There til 2011. The CEBR cannot see the rate JPMorgan has announced third quarter According to the latest government were many ways of saying almost what reaching 2% until at least 2014. Nor- profits of £2.5bn, beating predictions. “statistics” we should all rejoice be- they said, but in a useless and thus un- mally, a report predicting the continu- The Redundancy of Ig Nobel Prizes The results came despite losses on cause by Gordon’s grace, unemploy- controversial form. ation of a destructive, fallaciously rea- credit cards and consumer loans be- ment is increasing slightly less fast There is a real danger of investors no soned central planning decision for the In 1991 the Annals of Improbable Re- cause of excellent performance in the than it was expected to. longer believing that the UK will re- foreseeable future would be cause for search began the Ig Nobel awards as a investment banking division, particu- main able to respect its obligations for- concern. Not this time. For once, the parody of the Nobel Prizes, to be given larly in Fixed Income. ever, as has been universally assumed arbitrary whim of our central planners to ten achievements that “first make Chairman and CEO Jamie Dimon Americans spend slightly less in the past. If bondholders refuse to has fallen on our side. people laugh, and then make them warned that the cost of credit will allow the Treasury to continue rolling The report is considered a reasonably think.” Over the years the futility of likely remain high “for the foreseeable The end of the Cash for Clunkers pro- over its debt, there could be a serious strong guide to interest rate changes in their efforts has become increasingly future.” gramme has led to a 10.4% drop in spiralling effect. The lack of confi- the near future. It will also predict the clear. The bank repaid its $25 billion US car sales. This led retail sales to their dence can drive up the Government’s pound weakening against the dollar, On Friday night I was ready to write government rescue in June. sharpest fall for 2009, at 1.5%, less than borrowing costs, in turn making it less although this is more speculative. The an article about the farcical awarding JPMorgan said it had also benefited expected, so apparently good news. able to afford to make its repayments, authors assume that the Government of the Nobel Peace Prize to a man who from its purchase of most Washington further reducing confidence. The To- will be able to cut £80bn from spend- had only been President for twelve Mutual assets, which it acquired in ries decided that with their double- ing whilst raising £20bn more from days before the nomination deadline September 2008. China invests £4.5 bn in Guinea digit lead assured, they could gamble taxes. They believe this will be needed and had already escalated the US pres- Goldman Sachs is expected to an- on the electorate’s maturity. The bond to save the country from spiralling in- ence in Iraq and Afghanistan. I decided nounce profits later in the week, whilst This is controversial because Captain markets responded well. terest rates on its sovereign bonds, as for a similarly Orwellian decision to Bank of America and Citigro up are ex- Camara’s government is meant to be The man until now dubbed by the investors will lose confidence if noth- be made for the Economics Prize on pected to post losses. less legitimate than most others. I sus- City “Boy George” for his less-than- ing is done about the deficit. Monday, before wrapping up both is- Good news for Goldman Sachs. pect he was at least born in Guinea. impressive aura and clout unleashed Based on this forecast, in a mixed sues into a broader attack on the No- a string of proposed savings. Yet all prescription-prediction, typical of bel committee and Scandinavians in this amounts to only £7bn a year, so it such reports, it advocates its own pro- general. should be taken only as a sign of things jections. The authors assert that inter- Then something strange happened. to come. Of course, political hindranc- est should be kept artificially low in For the first time in years, sane people es still abound; the Tories have had to order to appease the economy for our won the Economics Prize. The birther/ promise not to make cuts to the NHS’s failings as mortals to feed it with gov- New World Order/Texan secessionist highly wasteful budget. ernment spending. One could be for- websites upon whom I rely as my pri- This must nonetheless be compared given for thinking at first that their log- mary news source and consider my in- with the alterative. Despite a desperate ic corrects itself through their double tellectual home, were genuinely happy. cabinet pleading with Brown to drop blunder. In fact, they are condemning a Did this mean a balanced article was in his retarded comparison between ‘La- useful outcome of the recession – nec- order? Certainly not. The Nobies are bour investment’ and ‘Tory Cuts’, he essarily lower government spending after all an award of $1.4 million that still introduced a massive array of new – and then advocating a means of can- occasionally go to respectable people commitments at his own party confer- celling its benefits in the long run. but usually not. People do worse things ence last month. CEBR chief executive Douglas and get paid more, so why does anyone McWilliams has described this as “an get so offended? The best way to show exciting policy mix, with the fiscal disapproval for the awards is to see policy lever pulled right back while them for what they are, like Olympic the monetary lever is fast forward.” His gold medals for curling. argument is essentially that after some time investors will once again mistake nominal asset price rises for real in- creases in their value, which “should stimulate economic growth after a lag.” In years to come we will have every right to complain about the simultane- ous debasement of currency and theft of our due interest that is central bank- ing. For now though, we should enjoy paying 0% interest on our own money that Gordon Brown graciously chooses to loan back to us to cover the cost of university. We cannot thank him for The Annals Of Improbable Research George Osborne lower mortgage payments in a few award the Ig Nobel Prizes each year 18 felix FRIDAY 16 OCTOBER 2009 CULTURE & ArArtsts Editors Caz Knight & Rosie Milton THE ARTS [email protected]

Fashionably Artistically late

CCazaz KnightKnight Arts Editor

elcome to your first seem bewildering in the amalgamation taste of what the of its points of cultural focus. We hope people from the that this list should not only provide W arts section of the you with a more comprehensive guide new, contempora- (from those who know it as students), neous felix have to offer. It came to our but also keep you busy until the next attention, following the first edition of issue of felix, with even more on arts, felix this year, that an individual was theatre, dance, books, comedy. In indignant at the lack of an arts sec- short, anything cultural and happen- tion. We apologise for this oversight ing. Studying at Imperial can be chal- and hope that from this issue onwards, lenging so keeping a healthy balance of we can provide you with an extensive work and leisure is essential for a sane coverage of events that London (and mind (this coming from someone who beyond) have to offer. The city you has been through Imperial and come now find yourselves a resident of can out smiling with a degree!). Latterday Saints, myths and Rankers Rosie Milton attempts to portray the capricious world of the celebrity photographer Rankin

his article is about por- any educational establishment’s resi- in my tone towards this article, I will painstakingly by hundreds of amateur als who had made an application to be traits, manifested in their dential quarters. Yet in the past, when come to expose these observed nuanc- artists who wished to possess her por- shot and contribute their portrait to the physical form, and also disposable, instantly accessible images es and site them within the contempo- trait for their own. walls of the exhibition. The positioning T about identity, those ‘por- were few and far between, the ‘portrait’, rary criticisms of art. Turning to an alternative facet of ce- of this small studio was fascinating to traits’ that communicate if not as abundant, was as readily cher- In today’s society, those who are most lebrity: that of the immortalisation of observe as a microcosm of the produc- beyond their frame. ished as those thousands of ‘portraits’ fastidiously reproduced in ‘portraits’ of an individual through their portrait, tion of Rankin’s work. It was possibly the This time of the year situates a we have of ourselves and our friends themselves, are those we name ‘celeb- which incidentally allows us as voyeurs feature that I appreciated most about the largely charged atmosphere for those today. rities’. In fact, the origin of the word to dissect and criticize openly and at exhibition – lifting it above and beyond beginning a new academic annum – at The two exhibitions which I posit comes from the Latin ‘celebritas’, from length, without the depicted present the static of the white cube. university, college or school. We are under review, are Francis Alÿs’ collec- ‘celeber’, meaning frequented or hon- physically to defend themselves. The reek of celebrity was in the air enrolled within a structure that nur- tion of Fabiola portraits at the National oured. The example of Francis Alÿs’ Rankin’s portraits do just this. They – that intense pressure and tension tures our pursuit of personal great- Portrait Gallery and Rankin’s Rankin collection of Fabiola portraits, cur- sexualize, fetishize and glorify each sit- that surrounds the protagonist himself ness. I am sure you, as I, have had that Live and Retrospective exhibition rently on show at the National Portrait ter in the manner of the contemporary – a vaporous mist of myth emanating introductory conversation that will ei- which took place at the Truman Brew- gallery serves to elaborate this point in ‘glamourising’ of individuals through through the vacuous individuals that ther enthrall or petrify you as to what ery in Shoreditch. A personal encoun- a historical sense. Alÿs, in search of a poses, setting and above all infamy. drift about him, looking disdainfully at possibilities lie ahead. How we record ter with the artist Rankin has led to my collection across the world, found Fa- This voyeurism was exploited in the the ‘public’, yet jealously guarding their such a period of ‘self-exploration’ is grappling with how to frame and por- biola in a repeated singular image from set-up of the exhibition – a partition wall air space with him. I cannot help ex- commonplace among the Facebook tray the exhibition critically. antique shops to flea markets. This was all that separated the public from pressing the environment in this way, photo albums and dormitory walls of However, after debating inflection Latter-day Saint has been ‘honoured’ the artist and his “Rankers” – individu- as an onlooker, a mere anthropologist, it was a fantastic challenge trying to see the artworks objectively through the gloss of celebrity. From models such as Kate Moss to any actor half worth their salt, Rankin has photographed many recognised faces. Beautifully too, with character and elegance. One cannot es- cape his talent as a photographer, even if he whips up ideas about himself as a person and an artist “myth” – through unabashed proclamations about his ‘personal’ relationship with Heidi Klum, for example – a fashion model heavily celebrated in the United States. According to the exhibition catalogue, “people who believe that he is ‘notori- ously arrogant’ … all adds to the myth”. Even through all this transcribed ‘hype’ and puffery, his demands as an artist are there. All of his photographs speak of his own desires and pleasures: from physical depictions of the underside of women’s breasts seen from below, to the more metaphorical, emotional des- peration of young models within the fashion industry – all unabashedly laid Rankin’s photography includes both celebrities such as Blondie (top right) and mere mortals (above) bare as Rankin sees it.

20 felix FRIDAY 16 OCTOBER 2009 ARTS [email protected] Quick-start culture list The Big Ones Tate Britain: (below right) National Gallery: Small and Proud Gallery: A more grown up version This giant spans one side of Definitely in Camden, the of its south bank cousin, the Trafalgar square and con- Proud gallery kills three Tate Modern, the Britain is tains work from some of Quirky birds with one stone: gallery another spectacular building Britain’s greatest painters. space, music venue and the inside with endless ceilings Like most of the large Lon- one most original unusual Victoria & Albert Museum and cool marble interiors. don museums, entry fee is bars in London. Once a hors- (V&A): There is a large amount of only required for the tem- Cartoon Museum: es stable, the cobbled floor ‘older’ art to work through al- porary exhibitions. The NG and roughly painted white This museum houses a col- though the temporary hang- café serves some scrump- Two minutes from the Brit- walls still remain which are lection of art and design from ings often feature modern tious fare to boost the energy ish Museum, this is located adorned with mainly photo- around the world, including artists. Entry is free for most required for making it round in a very lovely part of town. graphic collections of a mu- life-size architectural casts of the museum, although this museum in good spirits. The curator of the museum sical nature. Past exhibitions from Italy, Chinese textiles some of the non-permanent Charing Cross produces brilliant shows, al- have included Blues Greats, and Japanese swords. The exhibitions require an entry ways excellently researched Bob Dylan, Jimi Hendrix National Art Library can be fee. Pimlico and teeming with informa- and the current Woodstock found here, but if you prefer British Museum: tion for the less informed. collection. some time out from a studi- As well as their exhibition ous environment the foun- Tate Modern: Containing all the products space, the museum has a well Camden Town tains in the central courtyard of the British Empire’s pil- stocked shop and is a must are ideal for more reflective Yet another architectural laging efforts over the last for anyone into their comic moments. South Kensington achievement that requires no four centuries… Think weird strips and graphic novels. Serpentine Gallery: masks, Egyptian mummies Nearby there is also an even and a lot more. Again, the larger, better stocked graphic Another small, simple gallery museum is worth visiting to novel shop. which hovers on the edge of marvel at the marble and its Kensington Gardens. It is al- construction. Catch it before Russell Square ways free and quick to walk everything is returned to around (bite sized, perfect their rightful owners! Don’t for a lunch break) and the miss this one if you want to Political Cartoon Gallery: exhibitions have never failed submerge yourself in history to please. Jeff Koons is pres- itself. An easy one to miss, this tiny ently on display and his sig- gallery has a shabby, informal nature kitsch kiddy-porno Russell Square charm to it with a mural on style is easy on both the eyes the wall downstairs by some and brain. South Kensington

Wallace Collection: This out of the way collec- tion is not to be missed – home to some of the most ostentatious and ‘frou-frou’ Science Museum: (above) entry fee. Expect only mod- paintings of the French Ro- ern art here with most floors coco and Baroque periods, Situated right near the heart being permanent collections as well as some fine exam- of Imperial, you cannot fail that are ‘re-hung’ once a year. ples of Dutch genre and still- to miss this brilliant and fas- Floors 3 and 5 were rehung life painting – it is housed in cinating monolith of heritage in May and are definitely a beautiful period building. and groundbreaking technol- worth a visit (includes Andy Try to resist touching the ogy. Tours, interactive exhib- Warhol). wallpaper though. The res- its and even a ‘Night at the taurant is excellent and en- Science Museum’ where you Southwark or Mansion House trance to the gallery is free of can hang out with friends charge. Bond Street or Baker after-hours (for purely edu- Street cational purpose only). South cartoonists. Here you will see Kensington the satirical works of artists who contribute to the com- ICA: ment and editorial sections Natural History Museum: of everything from the FT, Located in The Mall, home (right) Economist, Times, Guardian to old money and classic You cannot have missed this et al. grandeur, the Institute of beaut of a building on ap- Contemporary Arts is per- proaching Imperial from Tottenham Court Road haps an anomaly but is such South Ken tube. This muse- a treat to visit. Housing a cin- um is a joy to wander round, ema, a theatre, a bar/café and renowned for its Dinsosaur Camden Arts Centre: a gallery this really is an ideal collection but also housing place to come on any day (or sections on every area of Not in Camden, per se, but night) of the week for fun. natural history imaginable: a haven for art you wouldn’t The bands and DJs that play insects, plants, geology, as- hear of normally. It has a here are always excellent and tronomy, human biology… reading room, book shop, I don’t think there are many Entry is free although entry excellent café and a gorgeous places in London where one to the temporary exhibitions garden to relax in set above can swig whisky, listen to folk costs 4GBP for students. Ex- the hubbub of the main road. (or otherwise) within stum- pect large groups of school Perfect for a quite day out bling distance of Bucking- children at any time. with a loved one ham Palace. South Kensington Finchley Road Charing Cross felix FRIDAY 16 OCTOBER 2009 21 [email protected] ARTS

ent selected from over 10,000 activity, the Hayward shares applicants – from amateurs the South Bank with other to Royal Academicians, such great locales such as the Na- Thespian’s as Tracey Emin. Entrance tional Theatre, The National to exhibits normally costs Film Theatre, Royal Festi- around 7GBP concession. val Hall. It is set above and Delight back from the main riverside Green Park or Piccadilly promenade with its concrete exterior belying the fantas- tic exhibitions that are laid National Theatre: Courtauld Gallery: on here. (Although many (left) will argue that the Hayward This relatively small gallery is is an architectural achieve- An absolute palace of a thea- by no means minor in its col- ment) Expect the interior to tre. Open plan, airy and set lection. It is home to a per- metamorphose every time over 4 floors, this theatre manent group of artworks by your return for a new show. on the South Bank has three some of the most influential For more underground art, sumptuous auditoriums and artists of the nineteenth and catch graffiti artists working always has a great production twentieth centuries, includ- their magic in the area (bot- on. As well as this it hosts ing Edouard Manet, Paul tom left). free music evenings in its Gauguin and Matisse. There Embankment foyer and is right next door are also regular temporary to the National Film theatre, exhibitions, with a number of Barbican: (below right) Hayward gallery, Royal Fes- talks and educational discus- tival Hall, London Eye... the sions, as the gallery is part- A bit like a much larger and list goes on. nered with the Courtauld more established ICA, the Escape the trains of clueless Institute – a prestigious and Barbican injects a lot of cul- tourists here and be prepared exclusive establishment at ture into an area that is oth- to come out feeling treated which to study the history of erwise an executive haven, and very relaxed. art. Somerset House is a fan- combining theatre, cinema tastic building, with many of and art spaces under one very Embankment or Waterloo. its own events, including a ample roof. The building is beautiful outdoor ice rink for reminiscent of the open plan, White Cube (Mason’s Wellcome Collection: the winter. Free for students. airy and enormous National Yard): Holborn Theatre and its auditorium Henry Wellcome, medic, ex- really is exceptional. Needless This small space stands alone plorer, philanthropist, has to say the food and drink on offer also in the centre of St. James’s, his collection of weird and Hayward Gallery: make the Barbican worth literally, designed by MRJ wonderful discoveries ac- visiting if only for lunch or Rundell & Associates, it is cumulated during his years Situated in a cultural hive of cocktails. Barbican one of the first free-standing traveling the world exhib- buildings to be built for 30 ited here. Includes chastity years in this area – so worth belts, human tattoos (yes, visiting alone for its struc- torn clean off their person) ture. Due to its size it does and Hieronymous Bosch’s fa- not hold a permanent collec- mous painting The Garden of tion, but has regular exhibi- Earthly Delights. Downstairs tions of contemporary artists are always several fantastic (also known as YBA’s) such exhibitions, usually with sci- as the controversial Chap- entific or medical leanings, man brothers and the experi- given Wellcome’s status as a mental Marc Quinn. doctor. Adjoined is a small Piccadilly or Green Park Waterstone’s and a Peyton and Byrne café which must surely serve the best cakes in London. Euston Smaller Greats Royal Academy of Arts: The height of academic ar- National Portrait Gallery: tistic excellence was to be found at this establishment Slightly dwarfed by the Na- under Sir Joshua Reynolds in tional Gallery, the National the eighteenth-century (a bit Barbican’s Theatre: Portrait Gallery features like Imperial’s scientists). To- works only of people (you day, this privately-led institu- Located inside the Barbican, won’t find any landscapes tion holds regular retrospec- this theatre is one of the most here). There is a permanent tive exhibitions of the greats, spacious, comfortable and collection upstairs which including Van Gogh and J. glamorous looking in Lon- is free and the ground floor W. Waterhouse among oth- don and located at one of the hosts a temporary exhibition ers. The highlight of the year most happening hot spots or which is almost always in the for fans of this establishment culture. Top 20 London exhibitions. is the Summer Exhibition, Barbican which takes place in its larger Charing Cross galleries and showcases tal- Donmar Warehouse: (left) Small, black and simple and nestled down one of Cov- ent Garden’s many cobbled streets, the plays here are always amazing and always feature brilliant acting talent with many a familiar face ap- pearing on stage mere me- tres from where one sits. Covent Garden 22 felix FRIDAY 16 OCTOBER 2009 What’s on... Clubs & Societies Calendar Editors – Lily Topham & Rachel D’oliveiro

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Tues 20th Oct Mon 19th Oct Christian Union London Medgroup 999 – 12 noon, Meeting Room 3, Union – Club Night at Ministry of Sound – “I just want to be logical – How can you think – £5 (buy from ICSMSU) my atheism is an error?” – Discussion with free lunch and drinks!

Friends of Médecins Sans Frontières Intro – 6.30pm, LT G34, SAF – Hear first-hand experiences of MSF doctor, Pippa Farrugia Weds 21st Oct – Free food (from Pret a Manger!) Wargames and Sci-Fi – Fentocon (Free!) – 1pm - 5pm, Huxley 343 – Meet Sci-Fi and Wargames societies....plus trial gaming sessions!

Punjabi Society – Groundshaker – 10pm - 3am, Sway Bar, WC2B 5BZ – Featuring JAGS KLIMAX, DJ Sarj, DJ Indy Thurs 22nd Oct – Special student drink promos all night – Bioterrorism – £4 Members, £7 Non-Members, (07772 235533 Imperial College Model United Nations for tickets) Crisis Committee Session (Free!) – 6-7pm, Skempton LT 208 – Use diplomacy skills to stop the virus spreading...

Fairtrade Chocolate Party – 7pm, Level 8 Common Room, Blackett To Do.... – 50p Members, £3.50 Non-Members – Charlie and The Chocolate Factory and chocolate 1) Clean fishtank =( fountains! 2) Go to gym!

3) Email [email protected] (Club name & event, time, place, price, pics...) by end of Tues 20th. Fri 23rd Oct City & Guilds Masquerade Ball – 6pm - 3am, Union – With New Young Pony Club... – Dinner ticket £38, Ents only ticket £16 (buy online) – Contact [email protected] Sat 24th Oct Jain Society – Charity Diwali Dinner & Dance – 7pm-11.30pm – Union Dining Hall – Full Indian buffet plus live DJ... yum yum yum.. – £7 Members, £9 Non-Mem- bers (buy online) felix FRIDAY 16 OCTOBER 2009 23 [email protected] MUSIC FESTIVALS Week 1 of 2: Festival Review

26 reasons why Latitude Festival is a ‘must-go’

Multicoloured sheep A lake A stage on the lake A forest Several stages in the forest Nick Cave Tasty tasty food Ed Byrne Romanian gypsy music No mud (it was sandy) Free yoghurt and cereal for breakfast Only 40’000 people Fever Ray Adam (The Adam and Joe Show) Nice souvenir cups turned out, Latitude Festival was the so many music reviewers do) to try and rience. These days, so many festivals Friendly security staff that ask you Andrew Parson perfect place for this way of think- convey just how brilliant this festival front a warm, fun, friendly atmosphere, nicely not to break the rules. ing. Not a moment went by when I was, but I’d rather not waste my time which simply masks an uninviting, sor- Sean Lock was bored. The enormous selection or yours with such ridiculously preten- did, surly, dark, dismal and somewhat The Sonic Manipulator (google it) his summer I had the de- of music, comedy, theatre, film, liter- tious, overly flamboyant, unnecessary menacing weekend of drugs, violence Thom Yorke light of attending Latitude ary and poetry performances, plus and ultimately meaningless twaddle. and filth. In sterling contrast, Latitude Free apples and pears (Cider Tent) Festival in Suffolk. Hav- a huge number of interesting places This festival was brilliant for so many is exactly what it says it is; a pleasant Jeffery Lewis singing silly songs T ing never been before and to eat and drink, could have kept me reasons, but overall, it was simply and welcoming weekend that provides Deck chairs not knowing many of the busy for a week (had I been given the the friendly atmosphere and endless genuine, unadulterated and whole- Jessica Delfino artists performing, I approached the opportunity). amounts of brilliant and sometimes bi- some fun. I would recommend this Good quality programs festival with an open mind, bring- I could fill this review with reams of zarre things to see and do, that made it festival to everyone, regardless of their No ‘lets go fucking mental’ chants ing few expectations with me. As it adjectives, metaphors and similes (as such a wonderful and refreshing expe- taste in music and arts.

lage, before beating a hasty retreat in with an energy that belied their… let’s air. whole festival crooning along in what the face of a small army of neon-ed up call it ‘experience’, and treating the as- The mood was promptly ruined by effectively became the world’s largest East 17 fans out looking for a trip up sembled throngs to an hour of intense Dizzee Rascal, who I still don’t quite karaoke booth. Madness picked up Irony Memory Lane. Veteran DJ An- skanking action. understand the point of. Featuring the the tempo again immediately, carry- nie Nightingale led the energetic (and A little befuddled from a heavy night single lamest tribute to Michael Jack- ing on where the Specials had left off maybe a little mashed) masses into the in the chaos of Arcadia, Saturday’s ac- son of the festival (we knew he’d died on Friday: having not played the festi- wee hours, but by that point I was sat tion really got going around lunchtime, due to the sudden influx of paedo- val in ten years or more, they brought around a campfire in the Stone Circle, phile jokes on everyone’s phones), Mr the full show and played through the laughing at hippies and ruing the fact Rascal hammered through just about pain induced by a drinking session the that our rather tasty bottle of single every song he’s ever recorded in his night before that immediately became malt had been confiscated by Security set, culminating in Bonkers - which, festival lore. The Prodigy’s lacklustre on the way in. you’ll be glad to know, is still rub- attempt to close out the festival did Friday’s breakfast was interrupted bish. Kasabian rescued the day, with a them no justice at all, but Blur did a by the carelessly-forgotten opening swaggering set that finally lifted them superb job in their first big live show Duncan Casey set of the festival proper, by the ever- above Oasis-tribute-act status, but in a decade, charming the crowds and entertaining Björn Again. I say inter- they were always playing second fiddle making everyone wonder why they rupted, as I’ve got an allergy to Abba the Boss, Bruce Springsteen himself. stopped the first time around. t last! A warm Glas- that brings me out in screaming fits, With more gas than most acts half his Easily the most varied, most intense tonbury! After about so we went to relax in the Acoustic age, the rapturous crowds absorbed and most important festival of the five years of flooding, tent which was reassuringly free of two and a half hours of his trademark year, next year is Glastonbury’s 40th A storms and trenchfoot, crap 70’s disco. N*E*R*D brought us blue-collar rock; although the Timmies anniversary and the smart money’s on the Pilton faithful were out of hiding, though - despite being and Hermiones who make up about U2 to headline. I’ll see you there. rewarded with an absolute corker of a delayed by 30 minutes due to equip- thirty percent of Glastonbury’s crowds festival, with the best line-up in years, ment problems, Pharrell Williams was with the Eagles of Death Metal’s com- nowadays didn’t always get the point, a a couple of new fields and some real, determined to give the crowd a full edy cock rock. Not necessarily a band massive crowd cheered every song well genuine sunshine (obligatory Thurs- set - an ambition which was termi- I’d pay to see again, but not a bad intro past the curfew and into ‘Boss time’, day night monsoon notwithstanding). nated abruptly when the stage man- to Spinal Tap at least, who emerged thundering to a finish with the crowd After much prevaricating, this year ager pulled the plug to set up for the after a gap of some twenty years in pleasing Glory Days. also saw Mr Eavis et al. accept what Fleet Foxes. Never a band troubled all their tasteful, understated glory. Conscious of the increasing fragil- everyone else there has known for by a lack of self-belief, they performed Dancing midgets in monks’ robes? ity of the audience, Sunday kicked off years. Maximo Park kicked off the fes- the rest of their song from the front of Check. Open-chord bass lines, turned gently with a bit of reggae and veteran tival a day earlier than traditional, with the crowd anyway, even as the road- up to 11? Check. Ah… the good old rockers Status Quo, who gathered an a rousing (and packed-out) set in the ies were dismantling their kit around days were back, for a glorious forty-five vast crowd considering their early slot. Queen’s Head. Avoiding the crowds, them. The Specials were the inevita- minutes. Even Jamie Cullum sounded Enter Shikari disappointed, consider- we checked out beatboxer extraordi- ble highlight of the day, though, bash- good, guest-appearing on keyboards - ing the fluency of some of their ear- naire Beardyman in the Dance Vil- ing through all the two-tone classics there must have been something in the lier live work, but Tom Jones got the 24 felix FRIDAY 16 OCTOBER 2009 felix FRIDAY 16 OCTOBER 2009 25 26 felix FRIDAY 16 OCTOBER 2009 Music Editors Alexandra Ashford & Kadhim Shubber MUSIC [email protected] Ash embark on ambitious A-Z project Kadhim Shubber speaks to frontman Tim Wheeler as Ash set out to change the music world

im Wheeler is a little wor- ried, excited too of course What’s all this alphabet business? T but a little worried that Ash’s alphabetic adventures might What’s the A-Z project? ever release singles from then on. fall flat on their face. He’s just flown in Ah well, basically Ash are releasing The first came out on the 12th from New York where he and the band a single every two weeks, each one have spent the last year and a half re- titled A, then B etc until they’ve gone Any explanation? cording for their A-Z single series. A through the alphabet Tim Wheeler said basically said matching tour, hitting 26 venues each that the album was dead, “It hasn’t beginning with a letter A-Z, begins on No album then? helped that most people have Monday in Aldershot which he claims They don’t make albums anymore! forgotten how to make a decent is partly to tie in with the single series album.” and mostly to do with having fun and Really? “doing things that not a lot of people Yeah, in 2007 they released their fi- Controversial? have done before”. nal album Twilight of the Innocents Yeah but he is fit...... I mean The grueling schedule doesn’t faze and announced that they would only talented! him, “I’ve taken up kick-boxing so I’m fighting fit” he jokes, clearly it’s not the tour that’s worrying him. The band are embarking on a project which says albums are forced at fans, whereas sin- the rulebook to shreds it’s interesting goodbye to the album and hello to gles will allow them to become more that Tim falls squarely into the Lilly quick-fire singles. responsive but also without the crea- Allen camp of the current debate on Ash’s gripes about the album have tive and financial commitment that a music piracy. He talks emotively about been well documented since 2007, album requires, allow them to experi- the vast majority of people who work when announcing their intentions after ment with greater ease. in the music industry on average sala- the release of their last album Twilight It’s not only albums that have at- ries whose jobs are directly at threat of the Innocents, Tim declared that “I’m tracted Ash’s ire, the band have also because of music piracy. To him it’s a constantly disappointed with records I shunned the CDs that they’re re- bread and butter issue, while he under- buy” leased on. The A-Z singles are avail- stands the pro-piracy arguments it’s a The ill-feeling stems from a desire for able only by digital download and simple case of having to make a living, greater creative freedom and a reading 1000 limited 7” vinyls. “CDs have “If we could afford to give our music of the musical landscape that could become really disposable, people just away for free, then we would”. prove to be prescient. “The album was download them onto their comput- Whether or not their venture turns just so restrictive, with singles we can ers and listen to them on their iPods out to be financially successful (I sus- experiment more and not be tied down anyway so what’s the point?”. They’ve pect that with their fanbase, it will be) to one sound like with an album”. also offered their fans magazine-style Ash have shown both pro and anti pi- Ash are clearly a band who have no ‘subscriptions’ whereby they will au- racy advocates a possible vision of the time for hanging around, for Tim the tomatically receive the singles when future; digital downloads, subscrip- album is simply too slow and distanced they’re released. tions, greater interactivity with fans from their fanbase. He theorizes that Given that Ash are so eager to tear and ultimately, the death of the album. OMFGZ watch out for the monkey!!!! Oh... right it’s a t-shirt, I knew that...

MASSIVE Reviews ATTACK THE CHEEK SPLITTING THE LITTLE COMETS ZERO 7 HUNG UP ATOM ADULTERY YEAH GHOST A&M VIRGIN COLUMBIA ATLANTIC SINGLE EP SINGLE ALBUM PASSION PIT LITTLE SECRETS COLUMBIA Suffolk boys The Cheek, who changed Sometimes I wonder if I’m losing the Similar in places to other bands like Zero7’s fourth album, has a relaxing SINGLE their name from Cheeky Cheeky and plot a bit because I hate every whiny Big Pink and MGMT with a similar yet uplifting chilled sound. However I the Nosebleeds for “time saving rea- indie rock boy band CD we get sent, Indie kind of feel, Little Comets are in- feel their style is stuck a decade behind It’s as though they rounded up Daft sons”, have dropped their spiky punk then I hear a song like this, with reggae fectious, fun and easy going. Adultery current musical trends. The album Punk’s guitars, Justice’s child choir, style as well as the name. What’s left is legend Horace Andy’s deep vocals over as a single is upbeat and melodic with lacks continuity with each song sound- Mika’s falsetto vocals, and pulled it to- an upbeat, pulsing pop record with a a crawling trip-hop reggae melody, and catchy lyrics that you’ll eventually find ing as if it’s been selected from a mul- gether with the synthy pop of Phoenix. catchy (if a bit mundane) hook and sul- I realize all is not lost. Massive Attack yourself singing along to in the street. titude of different artists and ripped to This song would be fun if you were on try Roxy Music-esque vocals. This is a are consistently head-and-shoulders It’s definitely worth a listen on iTunes/ a single disc. No song, I feel, on this a good night out and the DJ dropped definite move towards the mainstream above most music. Overall the EP Spotify whenever you’ve got a minute, album will captivate listeners. A disap- it and you danced like a child after too and it’s a good one. - Tom Hird is dark and introverted, like a weird and then you’ll probably finding your- pointing album compared to their pre- many sweets, It’s a one night stand of a weekend come down. - Alex Ashford self going to buy it. - Ben Cook vious work. - Craig Glastonbury song, really. - Alex Ashford

ARCTIC CODEINE MONKEYS VELVET CLUB FIGHTING CORNERSTONE BIFFY CLYRO VANITY KILLS FICTION THE FLAMING DOMINO THE CAPTAIN ISLAND A LESSER OF LIPS SINGLE 14TH FLOOR RECORDS TWO EVILS EMBRYONIC SINGLE SINGLE EP WARNER BROS ALBUM Exhibiting a much more mellow side the Arctic Monkeys latest taster from their relatively unemphatically re- Biffy used to be an incredibly interest- If you like music with lots of sweep- The band’s sound is heavily influenced This embryonic album uses abstract ceived third album ‘Humbug’ is cer- ing band. The latest single ‘The Cap- ing guitars and some tinkling pianos by the left-leaning political punk of electronic sounds throughout, and tainly a highlight. Musically it is one tain’ is anthemic, evidently displaying and heartfelt vocals, but Radiohead twenty years ago, but they are much have psychedelic themes, which can be of the less radical progressions of their ambitions of arena tours. It seems like are a bit depressing/weird for you, you more convincing when they put the a nice change to the sterile, produced new sound but this single, whilst prob- their idea of making a chorus interest- might like this. The lyrics are a bit fucking placards down for a minute music around today, Ultimately it ably not residing in their top draw, as ing is adding some token horns at its rubbish but I think this sort of music and sing about something they’ve ac- doesn’t tap the true power of The Flam- previous albums have left it pretty full, end. It’s a shame to see a band that used is for boys who will hear it on Radio 1 tually experienced. The good stuff is ing Lips. It’s background music and is still a very worthwhile listen. - Chris to be exciting, now treading a generic in their car and aren’t likely to listen to really quite good: it’s just that the bad greatly self-indulgent. - Luke Turner Walmsley line of mediocrity. - Chris Walmsley the lyrics anyway. - Alex Ashford bits are dreadful. - Duncan Casey 26 felix FRIDAY 16 OCTOBER 2009 Music Editors Alexandra Ashford & Kadhim Shubber MUSIC [email protected] Ash embark on ambitious A-Z project Kadhim Shubber speaks to frontman Tim Wheeler as Ash set out to change the music world

im Wheeler is a little wor- ried, excited too of course What’s all this alphabet business? T but a little worried that Ash’s alphabetic adventures might What’s the A-Z project? ever release singles from then on. fall flat on their face. He’s just flown in Ah well, basically Ash are releasing The first came out on the 12th from New York where he and the band a single every two weeks, each one have spent the last year and a half re- titled A, then B etc until they’ve gone Any explanation? cording for their A-Z single series. A through the alphabet Tim Wheeler said basically said matching tour, hitting 26 venues each that the album was dead, “It hasn’t beginning with a letter A-Z, begins on No album then? helped that most people have Monday in Aldershot which he claims They don’t make albums anymore! forgotten how to make a decent is partly to tie in with the single series album.” and mostly to do with having fun and Really? “doing things that not a lot of people Yeah, in 2007 they released their fi- Controversial? have done before”. nal album Twilight of the Innocents Yeah but he is fit...... I mean The grueling schedule doesn’t faze and announced that they would only talented! him, “I’ve taken up kick-boxing so I’m fighting fit” he jokes, clearly it’s not the tour that’s worrying him. The band are embarking on a project which says albums are forced at fans, whereas sin- the rulebook to shreds it’s interesting goodbye to the album and hello to gles will allow them to become more that Tim falls squarely into the Lilly quick-fire singles. responsive but also without the crea- Allen camp of the current debate on Ash’s gripes about the album have tive and financial commitment that a music piracy. He talks emotively about been well documented since 2007, album requires, allow them to experi- the vast majority of people who work when announcing their intentions after ment with greater ease. in the music industry on average sala- the release of their last album Twilight It’s not only albums that have at- ries whose jobs are directly at threat of the Innocents, Tim declared that “I’m tracted Ash’s ire, the band have also because of music piracy. To him it’s a constantly disappointed with records I shunned the CDs that they’re re- bread and butter issue, while he under- buy” leased on. The A-Z singles are avail- stands the pro-piracy arguments it’s a The ill-feeling stems from a desire for able only by digital download and simple case of having to make a living, greater creative freedom and a reading 1000 limited 7” vinyls. “CDs have “If we could afford to give our music of the musical landscape that could become really disposable, people just away for free, then we would”. prove to be prescient. “The album was download them onto their comput- Whether or not their venture turns just so restrictive, with singles we can ers and listen to them on their iPods out to be financially successful (I sus- experiment more and not be tied down anyway so what’s the point?”. They’ve pect that with their fanbase, it will be) to one sound like with an album”. also offered their fans magazine-style Ash have shown both pro and anti pi- Ash are clearly a band who have no ‘subscriptions’ whereby they will au- racy advocates a possible vision of the time for hanging around, for Tim the tomatically receive the singles when future; digital downloads, subscrip- album is simply too slow and distanced they’re released. tions, greater interactivity with fans from their fanbase. He theorizes that Given that Ash are so eager to tear and ultimately, the death of the album. OMFGZ watch out for the monkey!!!! Oh... right it’s a t-shirt, I knew that...

MASSIVE Reviews ATTACK THE CHEEK SPLITTING THE LITTLE COMETS ZERO 7 HUNG UP ATOM ADULTERY YEAH GHOST A&M VIRGIN COLUMBIA ATLANTIC SINGLE EP SINGLE ALBUM PASSION PIT LITTLE SECRETS COLUMBIA Suffolk boys The Cheek, who changed Sometimes I wonder if I’m losing the Similar in places to other bands like Zero7’s fourth album, has a relaxing SINGLE their name from Cheeky Cheeky and plot a bit because I hate every whiny Big Pink and MGMT with a similar yet uplifting chilled sound. However I the Nosebleeds for “time saving rea- indie rock boy band CD we get sent, Indie kind of feel, Little Comets are in- feel their style is stuck a decade behind It’s as though they rounded up Daft sons”, have dropped their spiky punk then I hear a song like this, with reggae fectious, fun and easy going. Adultery current musical trends. The album Punk’s guitars, Justice’s child choir, style as well as the name. What’s left is legend Horace Andy’s deep vocals over as a single is upbeat and melodic with lacks continuity with each song sound- Mika’s falsetto vocals, and pulled it to- an upbeat, pulsing pop record with a a crawling trip-hop reggae melody, and catchy lyrics that you’ll eventually find ing as if it’s been selected from a mul- gether with the synthy pop of Phoenix. catchy (if a bit mundane) hook and sul- I realize all is not lost. Massive Attack yourself singing along to in the street. titude of different artists and ripped to This song would be fun if you were on try Roxy Music-esque vocals. This is a are consistently head-and-shoulders It’s definitely worth a listen on iTunes/ a single disc. No song, I feel, on this a good night out and the DJ dropped definite move towards the mainstream above most music. Overall the EP Spotify whenever you’ve got a minute, album will captivate listeners. A disap- it and you danced like a child after too and it’s a good one. - Tom Hird is dark and introverted, like a weird and then you’ll probably finding your- pointing album compared to their pre- many sweets, It’s a one night stand of a weekend come down. - Alex Ashford self going to buy it. - Ben Cook vious work. - Craig Glastonbury song, really. - Alex Ashford

ARCTIC CODEINE MONKEYS VELVET CLUB FIGHTING CORNERSTONE BIFFY CLYRO VANITY KILLS FICTION THE FLAMING DOMINO THE CAPTAIN ISLAND A LESSER OF LIPS SINGLE 14TH FLOOR RECORDS TWO EVILS EMBRYONIC SINGLE SINGLE EP WARNER BROS ALBUM Exhibiting a much more mellow side the Arctic Monkeys latest taster from their relatively unemphatically re- Biffy used to be an incredibly interest- With a name like that I pictured a The band’s sound is heavily influenced This embryonic album uses abstract ceived third album ‘Humbug’ is cer- ing band. The latest single ‘The Cap- bunch of dirty south rappers, in an ob- by the left-leaning political punk of electronic sounds throughout, and tainly a highlight. Musically it is one tain’ is anthemic, evidently displaying noxiously luxurious lounge of a night- twenty years ago, but they are much have psychedelic themes, which can be of the less radical progressions of their ambitions of arena tours. It seems like club, sippin’ on some purple drank. more convincing when they put the a nice change to the sterile, produced new sound but this single, whilst prob- their idea of making a chorus interest- But actually this new side project of fucking placards down for a minute music around today, Ultimately it ably not residing in their top draw, as ing is adding some token horns at its one of the Fratellis seems to be trying and sing about something they’ve ac- doesn’t tap the true power of The Flam- previous albums have left it pretty full, end. It’s a shame to see a band that used to prove you can make a decent rock tually experienced. The good stuff is ing Lips. It’s background music and is still a very worthwhile listen. - Chris to be exciting, now treading a generic and roll record with a skilled orchestra. really quite good: it’s just that the bad greatly self-indulgent. - Luke Turner Walmsley line of mediocrity. - Chris Walmsley Too many cooks… Alex Ashford bits are dreadful. - Duncan Casey felix FRIDAY 16 OCTOBER 2009 27 [email protected] MUSIC Live Mountain Goats @ Southbank he plural still resides tonight A stark contrast to the usual small bars from dynamics and as a result the hour but we are only treated to he would normally frequents on tours and a half set began to feel like it was T a singular affair as a lone in smaller cities. Becoming more com- treating water more than it was swim- John Darnielle briskly walks fortable addressing the audience, he ming. Lyrically his songs fit together onto the stage. He gives a meek Thai shares a secret to his rapid strumming, encompassing several series, and are greeting as thanks for the ovation he turns out it was more down to polish- interesting in their own right, yet a lot receives. Suited and gangly, with sub- ing his trumpet than playing his guitar. was detracted tonight as musical simi- dued confidence, his humble stage Starting on the piano for the first larities prevailed as the set continued. presence is warming as he directly en- few songs, comparisons to such as - Christopher Walmsley gages the crowd. the more serious side of Ben Folds Evidently an incredibly gifted song- would not be unfounded but the ma- writer his literate lyrics have earned jority of the set is performed with The Mountain Goats a cult following, the large auditorium just an acoustic guitar. With the lack The Southbank Centre nestled by the Thames is mostly full. He of a backing band, or any further ac- 10th October comments on how it is strange to play companiment whatsoever, there was a ★★★✩✩ such a venue, where the crowd is silent. distinct lack in musical variation aside Bombay Bicycle Club @ Heaven ead singer Jack Steadman on comes crashing down with his hand means that he misses or fudges lines, stage is possibly one of the onto the strings. He frequently forgets depending on how into the rhythm of L most intriguing musical sights to return to the microphone in be- the music you are, this is either com- on offer this side of the Millen- tween gleefully riffing on his guitar in pletely missed or ruins the song. More inium. He takes that clichéd image of front of the drummer and visibly aches importantly however, 80% of BBC a shy, semi-autistic musician who finds to escape the microphone at the end of fans are 5ft 2, 12 year old indie kids confidence in his music, and turns it every sentence. who like to “mosh”. Definitely a bit ir- on its head. Between songs he swag- His disagreement with the micro- ritating, and I definitiely didn’t jump gers around the stage, guitar hanging phone could be interpreted as a pho- in with them… casually off his shoulders but during bia but it comes off as simple, sheer - Kadhim Shubber the songs, it all disappears and he truly ecstasy. becomes a sight to behold. Aside from the sheer awesomeness A manic smile remains firmly glued of Jack Steadman and Bombay Bicy- Bombay Bicycle Club to his face as his voice slides and cle Club’s material in general (slight Heaven, Under the Arches breaks. When his right hand leaves author bias), there are a few things 8th October the guitar, it slowly rises up to his face that detract from the experience. ★★★★✩ before his barely contained excitement Steadman’s strangeness does at times

Albums that you should know Hugh Crail looks at modern classics that shaped music today

bet you’ve already heard DJ Shadow; he’s a stern favourite of I advertising execs and BBC sound DJ Shadow editors. As soon as you’re famil- iar with his stuff, he’ll haunt you like a ‘Entroducing’ ghost. Next time you see Jeremy Clark- son rev a brand new Italian sports car Mo’Wax/FFFR or O2 brag about their latest deals in a cutting edge ad, don’t be surprised if 1996 you hear the glitched drums or ethe- real synths of DJ Shadow’s 1996 debut album. It’s famed for being the first al- bum to consist entirely of samples; it’s even in the Guinness book of world records. Sampling, for the uninitiated, is es- up, rock stars think. Shadow mixes Shadows warped taste combined sentially cutting up chunks of other samples from an unholy range of with his virtuosic DJ skill made this people’s recordings and transfiguring sources including: Mettallica, A Tribe album the benchmark for experimen- them into your own musical ideas, and Called Quest, Bjork, the Blade Runner tal music in the mid 90’s notably influ- to a lot of people that sounds like cheat- Soundtrack and countless numbers of encing the likes of Radiohead, J Dilla ing, the Verve, for instance, have to pay obscure bargain bin records to create and Danger Mouse. Unfortunately 100% of their royalties for Bitter Sweet a sound which is completely alien to Shadow never regained this kind of Symphony to Mick and Keith because all its sources. Expertly cut up hip hop form with the exception perhaps of of some strings that are sampled from a beats accompany a schizophrenic or- the UNKLE collaboration ‘Psyence cover of a Rolling Stones song. gan, doom metal drones add darkness Fiction’. Notable in his demise was However this album stands as in- to Rick James funk resulting in amaz- 2006’s ‘the Outsider’ which featured dubitable proof that sampling is just ingly intricate soundscapes that are so an ill-advised foray into crunk and a as valid as regular writing styles, no removed from regular music they can, Kasabian collaboration. How 10 years matter what money hungry, coked in fact, soundtrack virtually anything. can change a man. 28 felix FRIDAY 16 OCTOBER 2009 Fashion Editor KawaiKawai WongWong FASHION [email protected]

Shop ‘til you drop in the News Strip fashion capital of the world GGabbyabby GentilcoreGentilcore Fashion Reporter You might have forsaken your suitcase’s space with note pads and booze (more likely the latter), there is no reason why you should wear the same thing day in day out. Kawai Bankrupted haute couture master, Christian Lacroix found €100 million Wong and Gabby Gentilcore take you on a shop crawl. financial back up

. estfield, the mammoth Rei Kawakubo’s shop stocks not only Al Hassan Bin Ali Al Nuaimi, the shopping centre that Rei’s own designs, but also the hottest Ajman sheikh has offered to invest a W threatens to be the larg- new comers. Designers such as Mary vast sum of €100million in Lacroix’s est in Europe, is only a Katranzou, Mark Fast, Gareth Pugh, haute couture label, which filed for bus ride away. Self-proclaimed rock Erdem, Christoper Kane and the like. bankruptcy earlier this year. Lacroix’s chicks should visit Bershka on the first Not to mention McQueen, Yves Saint last show at Paris in February last year floor, for the Spanish boutique stocks Laurent, Hussein Chalayan and Lavin. was put together in 2 weeks by many only ubiquitous in-season items. If you Calling Dover Street Market a shop is workers working for free. The haute are a petite girl and always struggle to almost disrespectful, for it is in fact a couture master’s show was missing find jeans that fit, Bershka is definitely museum that stocks the season’s most from Paris Fashion Week’s 2010 Spring/ your first stop. The store stocked boy- creative pieces, with an option to buy. Summer schedule this year. friend jackets a season before the item If you need inspiration for new outfits, became an insatiable buy months ago. take the number 14 from outside the Sequined jackets, leather leggings and V&A and check out the shop’s orien- Megan Fox and Cristiano Ronaldo to block knitted tunics are just a few oth- tal, African and vintage sections or ask replace Victoria and David Beckham er items that might catch your eye. their friendly fashionista staff for ad- as the new Armani underwear models Another Spanish boutique, Blanco vice. You won’t be disappointed. has their one and only shop on English There is of course the famous Ox- soil at Westfield. Aim for shoes, bags ford street. The street that houses the Megan Fox has been announced as and accessories there. The studded Mecca of the high street - Topshop’s the new face of Emporio Armani strappy heels popularised by Givenchy, flagship store. Also found on one of Underwear and Armani Jeans, and will Britain’s best loved shopping streets is be replacing the current face of the the clash of the budgets: Selfridges and brand, Victoria Beckham in the S/S 2010 “Dover Street Primark. One can start the day bathed campaign. Also appearing in the ads in luxury and glamour, surrounded by will be the footballer Cristiano Ronaldo. Market is the the most powerful names in the fash- ion world in London’s most high fash- embodiment of all ion department store. Photography legend Irvine Penn died If you fancy a pair of fetish boots, things stylish and there are also plenty of indepently Portobello Market. Anything from used and unused, vintage to... not so owned fashion stores along the way. vintage. Notting Hill is so much more than that blue door. This week Irving Penn, one of fashion posh, without the Fetish boots aside, sometimes they photography’s legends, has died at the do cut-priced, in-season, Primark/ age of 92. He started his career in the commission-hungry Top Shop/River Island clothes as well. holds many boutiques and vintage 40’s at Vogue and had since gone on Don’t ask us why, they just do. They shops, as well as the brilliant Rough to shoot some of the most beautiful sale assistants.” also stock some less well known for- Trade music shop where you can find and iconic people of our time including eign high street stores, which special- any type of music, not just the indie £5 Marilyn Monroe. ise in rock chic or party wear, such as music that matches the surroundings. Blumarine and Balmain are reinter- BikBok from Norway and again, Ber- Charity Shops preted by Blanco in a £50 version. shka from Spain. There are two on Bute Street in Co-founder of Agent Provocateur to If throw-away fashion doesn’t ca- However, some of you will want “Just off Brick Lane South Kensington, just off the french leave the company ter to your fine taste and you’re more more than just your average high street bakeries. More on North End Road in of an all things runway girl, head to and London can cater to your every you will find the Fulham and yet more near Clapham The Village, where premium labels shopping desire. First on our alterna- Junction station. It has just been announced that the have all chosen to fly their flag on the tive shopping tour of the city is North Sunday Upmarket co-founder of the erotic British lingerie first floor. Bags and leather goods are London, or more specifically Camden line Agent Provocateur, Joe Corre, has stocked at Louis Vuitton, Dior and Market. Full of vintage stalls and edgy which houses decided to part with the brand to focus Gucci. Prada and Miu Miu stock a clothing shops, this area attracts the on his new menswear label “Child of number of ready to wear items. Need- urban cool folks. But also found along many independent the Jago”. Corre who is the son of the less to say, more high end fashion here are many alternative shops, as £10 institution that is Vivienne Westwood, is available in Knightsbridge where Camden is the home of Punk. Those designers” founded the label over 15 years ago Harrods and Harvey Nichols reside. whose style reflects their love of the Vintage Stores and has had worldwide success with Sloane Street, between the two leg- late 1970’s musical revolution, can find Obviously, Portobello Market in many celebrities favouring the brand. endary department stores, is home everything to express themselves at Notthing Hill. Real vintage comes If the success of Agent Provocateur is to countless designer boutiques. Camden Market. For those who prefer their shopping from your grandparents’ wardrobe. anything to go by then he should be the Giuseppe Zanotti is there, together Those who follow the new Indie mu- experience to be slightly more glam- So befriend them. one to watch in the man style stakes. with other fashion magazine regulars sic scene should head straight to East, orous, and like to break up their day such as Dolce and Gabbana (you read or South East London, where a leather with lunch in a gastro pub or quaint it right, not D&G), Fendi and Chanel. jacket, leggings and brogue shoes are a local cafe, west London is for you. The Louis Vuitton and Naomi Cambpell Last but not least, the Brompton Road must. Home of the art school students, Kings Road is the quintessential shop- support White Ribbwon Alliance houses Armani’s flagship store with liberal youths, and possibly the next big ping destination for those who like its own café and florist. All this exqui- thing in British music, the clothes on their shops to be like how they present £1000 siteness is only down Exhibition Road offer reflect the mixing pot of thought, themselves, classic and immaculate. Louis Vuitton will donate a portion of and take a left. While some can afford art and the general air of creative free- For those who still want the West Dover Street Market the profits from one of its 2010 Spring/ posh goods, some find it an enjoyment dom. Just off brick lane you will find London experience, but with added If you’d rather splash this on an LV Summer bags. It will be designed by to simply adore. Dover Street Market the Sunday Upmarket which houses grime, then Portobello market will monogram tote. This page doesn’t Creative Director Marc Jacobs, and is the embodiment of all things styl- many independent designers. You can be the place to head. With its vintage deserve you. A Mary Katranzou print proceeds will go to the White Ribbon ish and posh, without the scariness of pick up an individual item for less than stalls, you never know what treasure dress on the other hand... Alliance. It is a charity dedicated to commission hungry sale assitants. The you may think. The surrounding area you may unearth. promote safe childbirth. felix FRIDAY 16 OCTOBER 2009 29 [email protected] FASHION

Fashionably IC FashionSoc is back Late Fashion society wakes from dormancy and is eager to please.

KKawaiawai WWongong Fashion Editor KKawaiawai WongWong Fashion Editor

Good news for Imperial fashionistas. ello and welcome. I believe a valid excuse, Ok? After years of dormancy and almost that Dan the Wan, our Edi- While I’m on the matter, every year on the brink of club closure, the soci- H tor in Chief, received an people complain about the male to fe- ety has finally found a new committee complaint about the lack of male ratio at Imperial. But who is going vowing to salvage it. Arts in felix. Oh well, here we are, we to discover your inner beauty when you The Fashion Society’s Freshers’ Fair are just fashionably late. dress in a rotten carrot and look like stall attracted plenty of interest, with This year we have added two regular you’ve been pooed on? more than 300 students signing up to sections - the News Strip and the Cool On a more serious note, felix is the the mailing list, proving Imperial is Wall. News Strip - does what it says perfect place for you to express your not, despite popular opinion, a style on the tin. Cool Wall - not the most love of fashion. We are always finding desert. groundbreaking invention ever, but the new talent, so if you’ve got some inter- The society’s first dress making prospect of printing some cool people esting projects in mind, email felix.fash- workshop, run by Topshop designer in cool outfits at Imperial does excite [email protected] and tell us how you Emile Carr, saw attendance of more me. Maybe I shouldn’t promise that it can help. than 20 students learning the basics of will forever be full of cool people, then Moving on... next week, The Daily design and sewing. Students will learn those of you who should have been ar- Telegraph’s Fashion Director, Hilary to modify old clothes as well as mak- rested by fashion police years ago can Alexandra talks to felix– what are Gal- ing a piece from scratch. According to be named and shamed. And then per- liano and Lagerfeld like in real life? She the committee, the finished pieces will haps come to the realisation that look- tells felix all about it. Oh yeah, and if all have a chance to be showcased at ing shit is an offence. you need more convincing to write for the society’s planned fashion show in Now, turn and look around you. us, here’s why. We meet amazing people April. There are in fact plenty of scientists/ like Hilary. We may even meet Lily Cole For anyone who has ever dreamt of engineers who do match their inner or Giles Deacon one day. Who knows? creating a fashion show of their own, beauty with their looks. So don’t give I can’t possibly write anymore than this might be a chance to show off their me this “argh, I am not an arts student this. Well, I could, but I’m not going to. skills. Members of the society will have so what do you expect” bamboozle. Not So farewell. Until next time. a chance to sign up for a number of responsibilities from music to styling, guest-listing to modelling. Fashion society will also run a host of fashion related events such as a clothes swap and make-up sessions, as well as a tour to Paris. The society hopes to broaden their members’ styloscope by COOL WALL absorbing the French fashion capital’s A stylish girl who visited Fashion Soc’s stall at this year’s Freshers’ Fair. unique style culture. Students will be able to wander on Paris’ streets dur- unite all fashion aware people across Session”, is on the 20th October and ing the Autumn/Winter Paris Fashion Imperial and also to spread the mes- allows students to chat about fashion Week in March. sage of “dress well and feel good about in a relaxed atmosphere, as well as President Ling Li hopes that the yourself”. browse the society’s large catalogue of society can act as a cohesive force to The society’s next event, the “Open international fashion titles. 30 felix FRIDAY 16 OCTOBER 2009 TTravelravel Editor Dylan LoweLowe TRAVEL [email protected] India’s mysteriously magical drink Guo Heng Chin reports on his experience with Bhang Lassi, a cannabis-containing yoghurt drink. Here at felix we can never ever approve of such reckless drinking behaviour. Or can we?

shops. Pushkar is also one of the most whipped out a pot of lassi and started sacred Hindu cities in India because preparing the magic concoction. it hosts the sole Brahma temple in the The issue that worried me most world. Brahma the Creator is one of at that time was not the trepidation the trio of main gods in the Hindu of trying a hallucinogen for the first canon (the other two being Shiva the time in my relatively drug-free life. Destroyer and Vishnu the Protec- It is legal at the place I am in, so no tor) and according to legend, he was anxieties about getting busted. It was cursed by his wife to only ever have not the mind-blowing effects I was one place of worship when she found afraid of; I think with the tales of get- out he married another woman (so ting high I heard from my friends, I much for infidelity). The Brahma was keen on going on a trip, even if temple is accompanied by 52 holy it’s a bhang lassi trip. It was the fact bathing ghats surrounding the lake in that the lassi-man stirred the green- the middle of Pushkar. Both shopping ish paste into the milk white lassi and site to the only Brahma temple in with his bare fingers. Fingers where the world made Pushkar an immense- only a moment ago I caught going up ly popular tourist location. his nose, dislodging boggies. But then One more lesser known thing about that’s India. There are much worse Pushkar is that it is also the place for things one could do with one’s hands. people to experiment with bhang In India, there are no tissue papers lassi. In other places, bhang lassi is in toilets. Only a bucket of water. I offered discreetly, usually under the tried hard not to think what else the banner ‘special’ lassi. lassi-man’s hands touched before he So me and two of my travelling stirred my bhang lassi. companions decided to give it a shot, So there I was seated on the table the latter two after extensive persua- with two of my travel companions, sion on by a very curious me. eagerly waiting for the legendary One afternoon, we checked out a lassi, praying to Brahma, Shiva and small lassi shop at the corner of the Vishnu I do not get a nasty traveller’s road. It was a simple establishment: a diarrhoea from the lassi-man’s finger. few chairs and tables beneath a shod- Five minutes later, a thick greenish dy fan and a stall in front of the shop drink was placed on the table. There where the shopkeeper-cum-lassi-man were some unstirred paste sticking ndia was weird and wacky; a fuelled my curiosity when I had the The term bhang lassi surfaced on makes his lassi and sells a variety of to the side and the lid of the cup. place so alien the Vulcan cul- chance to try India’s famous, or rath- my mind again during my third week cigarettes and lighters and bidi, the The whole thing looked sickly (being ture would probably come er, infamous, bhang lassi. in India. I was in Pushkar, one of dirt-cheap joint made of leftover green and milky does not help). Both across as more humanlike. Lassi is a popular Indian yoghurt the major tourist spots in Rajasthan, tobacco. His wife was mending to my friends were eyeing it reluctantly. That is at least for the third- drink, sour in taste and thick in tex- western India. It has a reputation as the tables. Save them, the shop was Naturally, I offered them the first go Iworld section of India - which is al- ture. Bhang is a pasty derivative of a shopper’s paradise – Indian fabrics empty. at it. They both say no. most everywhere but the vicinity of cannabis that is allegedly a lot more and handicrafts from all around In- I asked him about bhang Lassi. He I became the guinea pig. I took five-star Taj hotels or the mansions potent than the average marijuana dia could be found right at Pushkar started to laugh. He spoke in Hindi the first swig. More of a cautious sip of the bourgeois. Reality unravels in joint. The first time I heard of the thanks to its history as a trade cen- and made gestures that I assumed to actually. Mmm! It actually tasted India as fact and fiction become in- term ‘bhang lassi’ was in a travel video tre. Indeed, the whole of Pushkar be referring to getting high. In ret- good. It was sweet, unlike the usual distinguishable. In the words of the a friend showed me before I went to is a bazaar of scarves, clothes, tra- rospect, I figured he was trying to lassi which is sour. And it had a sweet rickshaw drivers, touts and shopkeep- India. Go check it out – put in ‘bhang ditional clothes, woodwork, stones, warn us. He went off and returned herbal taste to it. Good stuff, I told ers that occupy so much of the tour- lassi’ on youtube. India is a land of camel bone carvings, etc, with the a moment later with a green paste my mates. Then they both took a sip ist landscape, western sensibility is mysticism and naturally, it offers its occassional food shop or guesthouse wrapped in white napkin resembling each. And they told me it was all they tossed out of the window. To para- very own brand of magic drink. putting a gap in the millipede of cheese. We sat down as the lassi-man would take. phrase Salman Rushdie: cows, flies and people mingle in a brotherhood of shit. I am not joking or exaggerating; I have never seen so much cow dung, both fresh and dry with bee hive holes made by flies, lying everywhere from the packed roads to right beside the holy bathing ghats, all tolerated and celebrated by the people. India held many fond memories for me: it was the first time I immersed myself truly in a third world culture and mingled with its wonderful but wacky people, the first time I hopped in and out of a moving train, and above all my first experience with a hallucinogenic. I have to admit, at 20, I am very much a virgin to drugs. The clos- est mind altering substances I have consumed are tobacco and alcohol, with perhaps the most hard-core be- ing absinthe. I have not even tried marijuana. It was not with pride that I abstained from drugs - perhaps it was a lack of opportunity or maybe I just did not have the guts to grab at one when chance presented itself. Nevertheless, that lack of experience Swallow this whole, I dare you This sure looks innocent doesn’t it? Bit like the smoothie? felix FRIDAY 16 OCTOBER 2009 31 [email protected] TRAVEL

I eyed the remaining bhang lassi. It tated on my hostel bed. I felt like I was still almost touching the brim. It had woken up in a dream. was me who suggested we try that af- As usual, India had a knack of rub- ter all, so the responsibility to finish it bing things in my face. Of all times to rested upon me. I held my breath and choose, the hostel had electricity cut gulped it down. for the few hours when my mind was And then we sat there for a while wedged somewhere between real and waiting for the high to kick in. One surreal. So, I awoke alone in a dark minute passed. Still sane. Two min- room with the door slightly ajar, re- utes. I cracked a joke. No one laughed vealing a dark hallway with noises but me. Three minutes. I looked at my coming from it. It would have been mates. They looked back at me. No okay normally. But when your mind one was high. After a while we decid- is playing tricks on you, it was creepy ed that it was a farce, bhang lassi was shit. over-hyped. We left the shop 50 ru- I spent the remainder of the night pees poorer without any form of high. lapsing into a living dream, only Embarrassingly, I have to admit, waking up again when my friends even more so due to the fact that I am dropped by my room to visit. One a biologist, I overlooked something took my temperature (I thought it was fundamental about consuming con- extremely surreal he brought a ther- sumables of any kind – it takes time mometer on this trip…) and the other to go through the extensive human came in and said “he’s really fucked”. gut tract. I had forgotten the fact that I missed dinner and slept all the way usually weed is inhaled and cocaine till the morning. is snorted, hence the almost instant The next morning, I woke up after kick. I drank a cup of marijuana lassi. 12 hours on the bed. I was expecting It takes time to get through my stom- a bad hangover after such a delirious ach and reach my small intestines, experience the night before. I blinked before being absorbed into my blood- a few times. Eyelids not numb any- stream by the numerous villi on the more. Stood up and took a few steps wall of the intestine. around my bed. Coordination seems It is then transported all the way Would you trust that hand? Or would you trust that hand? okay. I am back to normal. I sat on my back up to my brain and nervous sys- bed and took a few relieved breaths. tem. It’s a bit of a big round the way Checked my belongings: passport still trip. To conclude the tour, I was given ing in English and making me recite guish faces, my swagger resembled a in pocket, wallet still stuffed with ru- So there I was wondering around a pink flower and brought to one of it. But things got fuzzy and blurry. drunken crab and reality started to pees and DSLR still intact. That was Pushkar with a ticking chemical time the nearby holy bathing pools. It was From what I hear from my mates, it crumble. I managed to find my way pretty good seeing how unhinged I bomb in my body. the usual route for tourists – visit the seems that I started laughing as the though and even took a few snapshots was yesterday. It wasn’t until when I was visiting Brahma temple, say your prayers and priest was chanting away. of passing camels. Grabbing my Lonely Planet India the Brahma temple and having my- prostate before the statue of Brahma, After the ‘blessing’ and a pissed When I arrived at my hostel, I col- from my backpack, I flipped through self blessed at one of the nearby holy then bring an offering in form of flow- priest, I was stumbling. But the en- lapsed on the couch at the reception. the index to search about bhang las- bathing ghats that bhang lassi came er to one of the holy pool nearby, then tire time I was still laughing. I walked I was too groggy to move further. I si. Towards the end of the 1043 page knocking onto my senses. And it struggle with US Dollar-demanding with my mates for a few streets un- was there for a while, drifting in and tome, there is a section about general wasn’t just a gentle knock. priests who moments ago seem like til it was too much for me to bear. I out of consciousness and could barely safety. In that section there is a small It started with my eyelids getting the friendliest man on earth. I was at told them to go ahead without me – hear the staff laughing at my drunken highlighted text box at the corner: numb. At that time a young ‘priest’ the stone steps of the holy pools when I needed to get back to the hostel. I state. Then one of them took my by “caution about bhang…a highly po- apprentice clad in jeans and T-shirt the bhang lassi effects got stronger assured them I could do it myself. my arms and brought me up to my tent derivative of cannabis… endeav- was bringing me around the Brahma and – to quote Keats – a drowsy Male ego still reigns amidst drugged room. our at your own risk…some travellers temple, hastily explaining the impor- numbness pains my sense. stupor. Once I was on my bed things got find themselves experiencing bouts of tant sights in the place. The pot of What followed was the bhang lassi Which proved to be a silly mistake. weird. And surreal. Memories of the delirium and become bedridden for gold in form of USD tips at the end effect in full blast. And it chose the Now the bhang effect got beyond tick- last few hours replayed themselves in as long as three days…” of the ‘tour’ is something he blatantly best time to kick in. The dodgy priest ling my funny bones. It was knock- my head, and it all felt like a dream. I guess I was pretty lucky to be looked forward to. was in the midst of giving me a bless- ing me out. I could no longer distin- Until I woke up sweaty and incapaci- fucked up for only one night.

felix FRIDAY 16 OCTOBER 2009 33

110101110101111010110101 01010100101 01 001010001010000101000010 00011111010 00 01000111 1 0010000000010 011000 1111 1 TTechnologyechnology Editor SamuelSamuel Gibbs 00101101 1000101001000 100111 010 0 1111101 111011110111 011 10 101 1 0 0 10 000100001010 100 01 010 0 TECHNOLOGY 1 1 01 111 11111101 11 10 101 1 [email protected] 1 1 1 1 101111 1 1 1 1 1 1 111101 1

Danger for SideKicks Where’s the Trouble in the cloud puts users at a loss, Samuel Gibbs reports silver lining?

loud-based solutions hold SSamuelamuel GGibbsibbs Technology Editor a lot of promise and are certainly in the spotlight at the moment with more andC more being off-loaded to the inter- nother week, another be useful for reading text books or pa- net. Whether it be your email, online tech launch. This time it’s pers. Believe me I’ve tried and it’s not storage, bookmarks, contact syncing Windows mobile in the worth the hassle. or even your backup, pretty much eve- spotlight, or should I say Good news for UK iPhone users rything is moving to the cloud. There WindowsA Phone? Yeah, rubbish name seeking a way to watch TV on their de- are many potential benefits of this kind I know, but Microsoft wants to transi- vice. BBC’s iPlayer has been available of solution, one of them being that you tion towards a ‘Phone’ brand and away for some time on Apple’s golden child, have access to your data wherever you from the Pocket PC days of Windows but those seeking ITV, C4 or Five pro- go. Most of you will have used web mobile. Windows Phone is still only grams have been out of luck. Into the email like Gmail, Hotmail, Yahoo Mail Windows Mobile 6.5 and as such still breach steps TVCatchUp.com, with or even the Imperial Outlook web ac- sucks in my opinion. A dated mobile an iPhone optimised site with free live cess at some stage and therefore can operating system that simply hasn’t streaming of 11 TV channels includ- attest to this up side. But, inherent in kept with the times. I know there are ing BBC, ITV, C4 and Five channels the design and operation of cloud so- going to be a few of you who are still in impressive quality, on WiFi at least. lutions there are problems that could passionate about pocket Microsoft, Those without an iPhone can still get cause major issues if you rely solely on but look at the lengths companies like in on the party with over 30 channels these services. One of them is discon- HTC go to just to skin the UI and make streamed live on TVCatchUp.com. nection; this is probably the most fre- it user friendly. OK, a free initial signup is required quent problem with cloud-based solu- the upgrade was out-sourced to Hi- data on its servers, backup is essential However, it’s not all doom and gloom and the streaming is supported by ad- tions. For email, an outage of a couple tachi and ran into ‘complications’. The and should be thorough and automatic. for Windows mobile in Europe at least vertising, but free live TV streamed of hours might not be too much of an net result was that Danger/T-mobile For Danger to lose all its users’ data as we got the launch of the HTC HD2. anywhere in the UK is nothing to be issue, but what about services such as lost all the data of a fair few SideKick from a paid service is totally inexcusable This is an absolute beast of a device sniffed at. cloud computing and storage? Well users with little to no chance of getting and someone is absolutely certain to be with a massive screen, Snapdragon un- The cloud took a bit of a knock this this week has been one of the worst it back. Now you would have thought made recently unemployed. der the hood and a whole lot of HTC week with T-mobile’s disaster com- weeks for cloud computing of all time that this just meant that the data that There are two key ramifications of UI magic up front. pounded by Apple’s Mobile Me service and it all revolves around user data. SideKick users moved to the server this disaster, one being it will ‘prob- Amazon announced this week that having serious problems. Private user T-Mobile has been selling the Side- was lost. Although this could poten- ably’ never happen again. The other its highly sought after US only Kindle data was displayed to the world and Kick line of devices for a long time now. tially be a big deal, it would not be the is that users might think twice about e-book reader is going international. the service has been pretty flakey all For those unfamiliar with the SideKick, end of the world. However, due to the relying on cloud-based solutions even The new GSM based Kindle will be week. Still where some fail, others tri- it’s basically a messaging feature phone way that the SideKick works, anything for everyday tasks. You might think heading to over 100 countries and umph, with Google pushing out shared and a popular one at that. It accesses a that’s not on the server but still on the that Google or Microsoft or any of the will be available in the US for $279. Of folders to it’s Google Docs online of- server for basically everything it does, phone is lost when you reboot or turn big players are immune to this kind of course international pricing has yet to fice suite. Big news if you happen to including the basics like looking up off the phone, essentially like stor- mistake, but let’s not forget that after be announced, but I wouldn’t be sur- use the Google service as you can now contacts. Everything that’s stored on ing it in RAM only. T-mobile issued a a recent purchase it’s Microsoft who prised if we get screwed with the cur- share whole folders full of documents, the phone is uploaded to the SideKick statement to all SideKick users urging now own Danger. rency conversion and it’s at least £279 spreadsheets, PDFs etc instead of just servers where it is accessed whenever them to not let the phone lose power, So if you’re a keen cloud user, and if in the UK. Feature-wise it will be iden- single documents. If you happen to be you do something on your phone. It’s reboot or take the battery out. Lack you’re reading this you probably use tical to the current generation Kindle, working on a collaborative project you safe, secure and convenient. So much of access is one thing, but total loss of at least one cloud solution even if you so except for the Amazon book store might want to check it out. so that most people using the phones all your user data is a whole other ball don’t realize it, you should take note of access there’s not that much you can’t won’t even notice it. Well, that is until a game, especially when it arises that it’s all the SideKick users’ plights and think get in a Sony reader. Amazon haven’t Got something to say? problem arises and that’s exactly what due to the human error of not back- about backing up. Whether it’s your announced that their ‘academia aimed’ happened this week for T-mobile in ing up properly for an upgrade to in- phone contacts, your pictures, your es- Kindle DX will make an appearance Pitch me an idea to: the US. To cut but a finer point, some frastructure. Admittedly your average says or your banking records, don’t just out of the US, but to be honest it’s not [email protected] idiot screwed up on the server side of user doesn’t backup their data nearly rely on the provider to back up your cut out for what Amazon are aiming things, failing to make a decent backup enough. It can be a faff, it’s boring and stuff, make sure you have at least one at. Until we can scribble on the screen No good idea turned down, so if it’s of users data before doing a ‘routine’ it’s something you don’t think of until local copy. Backup now and forgo the and e-ink displays increase their re- interesting and tech, try me. upgrade on the server. Rumour has it it’s too late. For a company storing user pain of lost data. fresh rate, they’re simply not going to

Weekly Wrap Up – The Best of the Rest

SSamuelamuel GGibbsibbs Technology Editor both live streaming and On-Demand ently Apple has put out a bootloader in your pocket on a daily basis. I don’t content sounds like a winner to me, update that essentially makes the know about you but a tiny battery that although I would swop Sky for Netflix iPhone 3GS unjailbreakable by cur- lasts for years not hours would be an o what’s been happening this streaming any day of the week. There rent methods. Why it took Apple so absolute blessing. week? Well, Rupert Mur- will of course be fees involved and may long to do this is anyone’s guess, but Not quite nuclear, but still pretty dock’s been making waves be bundled in with certain Sky packag- it’s a major setback for the iPhone Dev- explosive, NASA declared war on the this week with two announce- es, but you may end up seeing Premier- Team and friends. On the App front, moon and commenced a bombing run ments.S First up we’ve got Sky Songs ship football on your Xbox in the near Directed Electronics have released an in the ‘name of science’, broadcasting music streaming service, a Spotify future. Sky Player for the 360 is being app that makes it possible to remotely the whole event live on NASA TV. premium competitor, which is due to launched on the 27th October. start, lock or unlock your car from The LCROSS satellite was deliberately launch Monday next week. For £6.49 anywhere in the world with just your On the theme of phones and port- smashed into the surface of the moon or £7.99 you get unlimited streaming iPhone. The free Viper SmartStart app able gadgets, nuclear batteries may in an effort to find water. It was hoped of over 4 million tracks as well as 10 or hooks into their remote start in-car soon be powering tiny tech. The nu- that the impact would create a cloud of 15 MP3 downloads respectively. Sky system allowing you to start your car clear isotope cell, a development of the dust from the crater that could be ana- are marketing this as the ‘mainstream’ from the comfort of your home should University of Missouri, can provide up lysed for the presence of water. If water users service, providing music to those it be freezing outside. Of course this to 6 times more power density than does exist on the moon it will certainly who don’t know much about technol- could also be handy if you have a part- chemical cells and for potentially hun- be easier to make it a pit stop on the ogy or music. Sky also said that its ner who repeatedly locks themselves dreds of years. If you are hesitant to way to future planets. Each kilo of iPlayer like service, Sky Player, would out of their car. You can unlock it for shove a nuclear battery in your pocket, water costs about £12,500 to send into be coming to the Xbox 360. Sky Play- Next up we’ve had a couple of inter- them even if you’re halfway around the remember that you already stick a po- space, which makes Evian look like a er in the living room on the 360 with esting titbits of iPhone news. Appar- world on business. tentially highly explosive chemical mix cracking bargain. 34 felix FRIDAY 16 OCTOBER 2009 GaGamesmes Editors Michael Cook & Angry Geek GAMES [email protected]

Halo Oh-that’s Ten Long Years - 2000 not-bad-DST With around ten weeks of felix left this decade, and ten years of gaming to look back on, join us as we reminisce (and win a free game, too) MMichaelichael CookCook Games Zero t’s the Year 2000. Approximately bona fide, would-you-like-to-have-fun and good lord did I put some hours no-one is using Steam, the Inter- kind of game. There’s honestly very into it.” I net is still a confusing realm of little challenge, even if you play by For those of you who’ve not had a ullo, and welcome to the Halo series was any good at all. drugs and nerds as far as the me- the almost nonexistent rulebook, and chance to play it - this game that’s now a more full-flavoured Someone said it’s very generic sci-fi, dia are concerned, and you’re still in it’s a good way to start off a decade in very long in the tooth indeed is still week of felix Games. and that seems about right. But it re- secondary school (actually, the thought games that was all about drawing in played by tens of thousands of people H We’ve got our team of ally comes together in its design, which that some of you may have been in pri- the outsider. The Sims was where that every day, on Blizzard’s online server writers now in place - is something that’s easy to overlook mary school has just occurred to me - I all began. network. It’s a stunningly enduring thanks, those of you that turned up at with a game. The weight of everything don’t like that thought). It was also the year of Perfect Dark, game, whose sequel will have to work Fresher’s Fair - and we’re getting settled in the Halo universe is just so, and that in for a winter of good gaming. Part of means that when you start interacting that preparation is our Ten Long Years with it, something very generic can be- feature, which charts the last decade of come much more because you’re in it gaming. It’s been an eventful ten years, and it’s as you imagined it. and probably the decade that turned all That’s what weight’s about in games, of us into the gamers we are today. We I guess. It’s nothing to do with actual kick off this week with the year 2000, realism - CoD4’s weapons are weighty, along with the chance to win some and I’ve never seen a real gun that stuff. wasn’t being held by a bemused mem- I played Halo: ODST for the first ber of the Met. Instead, it’s to do with time this week, and it’s not bad at all. how we think they should feel, how we I’ve been more impressed by the spin- imagine them feeling every time we off games than the core Halo series, watch Die Hard or Black Hawk Down. weirdly enough - Halo Wars seemed So when we get in the game and dis- perfectly pitched as an entry-level cover a match between our imagina- RTS, with some really clever altera- tion and what we’re being shown, it tions for the console, and ODST is a gives us a little bit of extra satisfaction. similarly simple, wholesome game. And that’s what Halo is all about - It’s not spectacular, there’s not much being part of a generic world. ODST is to get excited about, but some aspects dull at times, but really it’s only if you’re of it show some flair and creativity. watching. The videos and screenshots But what a year for games! Good lord. the slick first-person shooter that had very hard to impress and outlast it. Which makes sense, since the fran- can’t convey what it really feels like to So as this decade winds down in an a brief spell of domination on the N64. Another key release in this year, chise is being handed to all sorts of de- play, and it feels like there’s a battle go- orgy of good games releases, we’re go- One reader reminisces; “Perfect is quite quietly across the pond in North velopers now, but it’s clearly not being ing on that’s larger than you can see. So ing to flick back one year per week with right, this game was sublime. If you America, was the demure point-and- milked off carelessly. And that’s always when it comes down to it, I think Halo some thoughts on the best and worst didn’t play it at the time then you prob- click adventure game The Longest nice to see. probably is deserving of its place in the the year had to offer. We also want ably won’t enjoy it now but back then Journey. Heralded by many to be the I had a discussion, as we prepared the last ten years of gaming. But maybe not your thoughts each week, so if you’ve everything about it was incredible; the finest game of its kind, TLJ was des- Ten Long Years feature, about whether for the reasons that everyone thinks. got some memories of what you were graphics, the guns, the gadgets, the tined to remain a cult classic from its playing in 2001 (penis jokes notwith- AI, the voiceacting, even the plot was release, a brave stab at truly story-led standing) drop us an email at games. pretty damn good! In a shoot-em-up! adventuring in a decade that was to [email protected]. This week, we’ll What they managed to achieve and begin to shift its mainstream ways to- be giving away a free game from Good squeeze out of my dear little black box wards action, guns and more action. Old Games to one lucky entrant, so is frankly incredible. Goldeneye was an Its sequel, Dreamfall, captivated a make sure you’ve sent something over impossibly tough act to follow for Rare, small audience in much the same way, by midday on Monday 19th October. but hot diggity f**k, they only went and and the team that worked on both, led 2000 can only ever mean one thing to did it anyway.” by the inspirationally creative Ragnar Fun? What is me - The Sims. Not because I played It was also the year of the PlaySta- Tornqist, is to launch an MMO next it a hell of a lot, but because it was so tion2 launch, the beginning of one of year with a similar feel. It’s certainly a vastly different to all that had gone the most infamous reigns in console development team that were precise in this, CBBC? before. Yes, I did the delete-the-swim- history that would last for years (and every release they made. ming-pool-exit thing that everyone is still arguably continuing today). Next week - 2001, Final Fantasies, AAngryngry GeekGeek Games Hero says they did like they’re some kind of Many will have fond memories of the gruff noir detectics and Uri Geller. inventive genius, one bastard they knew that bought Don’t forget - send your thoughts in but that wasn’t one at launch (if it was you - you’re a to [email protected] for a the main thing. bastard, you bastard) and probably chance to win a game from GoG.com! hrist alive, writing the prop hunt on Team Fortress 2? You You could having a bash at Tekken Tag Tourna- See you next year. news is hard. So much wasted your life. How does that feel, build elaborate ment, staring in disbelief at visuals that bollocks happens in this eh? The knowledge that you could’ve houses. You would soon become dated and blocky. C industry, it’s hard to been playing a beautiful, well-balanced could make Sign of the times, et cetera. work out what’s impor- piece of art - yes art, you fuckers, I’m your friends As one behemoth arises, another falls tant from what’s just aimless, pointless Kieron Gillen’s bitch - and instead you kiss each other - Looking Glass Studios collapsed nonsense spewed out by Gamespot’s were off having fun. ‘Fun’. Woop-di-do, in ways you this year, despite releasing the sublime lowest of the low. The cocks over there look at you. If games were about fun, would later Thief 2, a game which many cherish to genuinely seem to consider press re- then we’d all be playing Crash Bandi- find extreme- this day. As if that wasn’t enough for leases big news. Subscribing to their coot and snorting sherbert dip-dabs. ly uncom- PC Gamers, this was also the year of RSS must be like sitting next to a tramp Actually don’t do that, you get a fortable to both Deus Ex and Diablo 2, making a on a four-hour coach trip - every few nosebleed. watch. trio of games that still stand up today minutes, you get a warble of drivel, and Anyway, assuming you’re too cretin- The as great pieces of entertainment. then everything smells of piss a bit. ous to actually play such a magnificent nice thing “Before this I had been playing a Anyway, games, right? Right. I played game, the least you can do is go and about fairly awful chat-based browser type Lucidity today, you can find my gen- make generally approving noises in The Sims Diablo thing called ‘Vagabonds Quest’ eral opinion on the whole affair to the the direction of LucasArts, whose back is that in which you pick a character, level it right of these words. You may need to catalog on Steam continues to amaze it’s a real up by fighting fellow chatters and buy travel over other words to find it, but me. game. You more gear. It was thrilling to me. it’s worth it because Lucidity is fuck- Next week - Mirror’s Edge, and why know, a “Then I got my paws on Diablo II and ing marvellous. Hell yes it is. How did failing constantly is part of growing up genu- my mind was blown. It was exactly the you spend your week? Playing fucking and becoming a man you whiny fucks. ine, sort of game I’d always wanted to play, felix FRIDAY 16 OCTOBER 2009 35 [email protected] GAMES Today, felix, I’m going to be... Kirby Sam Geen is a man to be feared. Take a deep breath as he explains his weapon of choice in Smash Brothers

am an insurgent. I wait amongst away from the torment of his earth- attacks of the prey. When forced into their lumbering, land-based body Kirby swallowed them up and stole the clouds, descending only to bound foes. Then, when the time is a stand-up fight, he gets the pummel- cannot hope to return to the arena, is their hats. I strike when the time is right, right, he turns into a giant brick, fall- ling he so richly deserves, but only the rather harsh. Admittedly, the first All this matters, because Kirby is melting away as the powerful ing upon unsuspecting victims. He most unfortunate or foolish of Kirbies time you float back up as weak. As you’d expect for what is ba- enemy brings his forces to bear on becomes embroiled in that trap. The they fall to their sically a small inflatable bladder with my long-abandoned positions. I am smart ones are already floating up, up, doom is limbs that are more lumps than ap- Muhammad “I’m Hard” Bruce Lee. “Kirby fights dirty“ and away. pendages, he tends to get kicked about I float like a butterfly and sting like a I guess some people might think a lot. For a game that actively penalises truckload of masonry. I am Kirby. I am it’s cheating. Swallowing another you for dying, this can be a problem. a dick. grabs the nearest enemy, flinging them player, walking off the edge, Whereas the Links and Donkey Kongs Kirby is a weak thing. Descended into the sky and slamming them back and releasing them of the world are attached to the ground from some form of gas-giant fauna, he down to the ground. He swallows his just at the like a fortress, Kirby can be kicked into inflates his stubby little body to float foes, taking on the characteristics and point where oblivion with disturbing ease. Instead, his strength lies in never being in the same place for long enough to suffer that punishment. And, as your ground-based competi- tors are being picked off by a “boop-dee-boopy- boop” hammer, you are floating amongst the clouds, safe. You will find your- self to be an enemy, an outsider. The other players may not appreciate the lack of hon- our and up-front fighting they find, rather but this is the price and the beauty of funny. By guerilla warfare. Where there is weak- the fifth time you’ve ness there must be discipline, mobility, grabbed them and and an insatiable energy that saps your flung them into the air, complacent foes with their powerful turned into a brick above weaponry and vast, muscular forms, their heads, or disrupted a the Lawrence of the Arabia to their melee with some cheap hit-and-run crumbling Ottoman forces. Sure, you strike, it ceases being so entertaining. can steal Link’s sword or Samus’s gre- For them, at least. After all, the Go- nades, but this is merely the icing on liaths of the world are rarely amused the cake of pain that you will lovingly when the tiny Davids approach, sling bake for your fellow combatants. in hand, and fling them into the sky. And besides, there’s nothing cuter Kirby has no honour, no valour. Kirby than a tiny little pink space marine fights dirty. Beneath the tiny, pink ex- waddling around a platform, squeal- terior, the combined souls of the Viet- ing “Falco-PUNCH!” at the top of his As the characters all lined up for an imminent ‘wall of death’, Mario started to regret a team-bonding Slayer concert cong, Mujahideen and Taliban lie, for squeaky little voice. Mister Sandman, bring me a dream Make it a sweet action puzzler with charm, sophistication and a bringer of good omens, asks A Geek

I never have lucid dreams. I cannot re- simple puzzler built around a core me- the dreamworld vibe. different - almost like the Amiga clas- tive into an enclosed space but often call a single instance where I have had chanic - with Lucidity, Sofi’s ambling The gameplay isn’t terrific,but it does sic Sleepwalker. Sofi becomes the focal coming off better for it. Initially, we’re any control over my dreaming other through levels is unstoppable, requir- have this quite nice retro flavour to it, point, yet you can’t control her. only told that Sofi has fallen asleep and than being scared shitless every five ing you to place items in her way to perhaps unintentionally. Being unable Perhaps most surprising of all is that needs guiding through her dreams. But minutes. And I don’t think that counts keep her safe - which varies itself as the to scroll the screen, you can’t see the the story is quite affecting and sad. For as her dreams turn to nightmares, the as control. So despite the title, Lucid- game goes on. That puzzler is wrapped game’s many secret areas, and getting such a small effort that lasts for only a postcards she finds scattered become ity is just about on the money for me, up in a beautiful soundscape, which Sofi up to some of them requires com- few hours (unless you’re obsessed with increasingly more revealing, and open being about a little girl who trots help- for Lucidity means a delightful hand- plex combinations of the randomly- collecting things or time trials) its plot up her mental state and history to the lessly through a dreamworld, oblivious drawn style and a hauntingly ethereal generated items list you’ve been given. is very well-formed. It’s along the lines player. It’s not something I expected. to the spikes, fire and frogs out to kill soundtrack that ties in perfectly with And it’s a fixed space, so it feels quite of a short film, packing a lot of narra- So what am I doing talking about a her. It’s up to you to save her! game that’s been reviewed so many LucasArts - they of the missing-in- times, that you’ve probably either not action adventure genre - are back in heard about or already played? It’s be- development again and it’s excellent cause I want to make sure you under- news. The news that some people have stand why Lucidity is here. It’s cheap, taken exception to, however, is that it’s LucasArts developing again, and LucasArts are taking inspiration from it’s remarkably well-formed. Three the indie games business model in how very good reasons to favour it over a they develop - shorter development Modern Warfare 2 pre-order. Because lifecycles, experimental gameplay, LucasArts needs support as much as cheap distribution. Some see it as big indie developers do - not to stay alive business muscling in on the little guy. financially, but to stay alive creative- It’s not. It’s good games getting made ly. It’s worth showing that you want for once. And this is good. more of Lucidity. Because more of this Lucidity is very similar to Braid in kind of thing is precisely what gaming terms of its philosophy. You have a needs. 36 felix FRIDAY 16 OCTOBER 2009 Food Editor APPLAPPLYY NOW!!NOW!! FOOD [email protected] Oenophiles prefer Vin de Pays d’Asda ASDA allowed felix to ‘test’ their wine stocks, a slurring David Stewart makes the most of this opportunity

Reds Asda Chilean Cabernet Sauvignon 2009, 13%, £3.11 Party wine, but no more than that, so don’t expect excitement. Like drinking a blackberry yoghurt.

Villaseta Nero D’Avola Syrah 2008, 13%, £4.97 Lovely plummy Sicilian. A bit of chocolatey spice adds some interest. Would be great with, and in, a good thick bolognese for pasta.

Asda Montepulciano D’Abruzzo 2008, 12.5%, £3.31 Marcus was going hardcore this time and snorting the wine This is a less serious wine, but fantastic for drinking on its own. Sweet baked fruit, but it retains some juiciness and just a touch of tannin in the mouth to remind you it’s there. couple of times a year, ferings, which I’ve tailored to Imperial the big supermarkets students, i.e. cheap. Asda Portuguese Red NV, 13%, £3.38 show off a collection of These days, cheap doesn’t mean This is the bargain of the bargains. Made from a mix of grapes I’ve never heard of. There’s a touch A their wines to the press. nasty. Technology is better and more There is serious money affordable. Chile, Argentina and Spain of air-freshener and animal on the nose (in a good way). Dense sweet dark fruit keeps it lingering to be made from these: if Jane Mac- are improving every year, as are the in the mouth. Moreish. Quitty of the Times recommends a few lesser-known parts of Italy. Even of their wines, this could generate tens France has had to up its game as a re- of thousands of sales. sult of wthe reliability of the Antipo- Whereas big ‘generic’ tastings tend des, and the threat of diminishing EU to be a chaotic mêlée of gurgling and subsidies. dribbling wine professionals joust- The supermarkets take advantage ing desperately with wine-glasses, of this competition in quality, and, as the supermarket tastings are serene you can see below, put some seriously and exclusive– lately, they’ve even good value offerings on the shelves. been holding them on days in the lu- Take this with you the next time you nar calendar on which the wines are are stocking up. supposed to taste better, just in case. (NB. Lots of these are marked Asda. Even so, ASDA granted felix access They aren’t made by Asda, they just to its recent showing, so we could put their name on it. The producers’ Some think bring you a list of their top wine of- names are on the bottle.) internship. We think Whites long term. Asda Valencia Medium White NV, 11.5%, £2.98 Well, I wouldn’t pay any more for it, but it is drinkable. A bit of sweetness helps it slip down with the floral Macabao grape adding a little perfume. A good party wine– Best chilled.

Ken Forrester Cape Breeze Chenin Blanc 2009, 13%, £4.98 South Africa makes a lot of Chenin. Not all is good. This is good and dry with a nice thick body to it, and shows off the grape in its less extravagantly fragrant mode. A nice alternative to a typical Aussie Chardonnary.

Asda Argentian Torrontes 2009, 13.3%, £4.24 It’s okay to drink this grape, nowadays– the powers that be have been giving it the thumbs up. It’s very aromatic, like pot-pourri (dried rose petals, lavender). Don’t let this put you off, as it has good rounded acidity. A brilliant match for Thai food. As an intern, you’ll be hoping to pick up some valuable career experience. With us, there’s more to it than that. You’ll join a real team, getting a close-up view of how we work. You’ll gain a deep understanding of global finance and learn why it’s still such a rewarding and highly exciting career. And with many of our interns joining us in full-time roles afterwards, you might as well make yourself at home. Take a closer look at www.credit-suisse.com/careers Fizzy Stuff Asda Extra Special Vintage Cava 2005, 11.5%, £6.98 Made using the same method as Champagne, this is worth about Thinking New Perspectives. three times its price in Champagne terms. Lemon and lemon rind on the nose. A dense professional-tasting mousse (foaminess). Credit Suisse is an Equal Opportunity Employer and does not discriminate in its employment decisions on the basis of any protected category. To the extent permitted or required by applicable law, a candidate who is offered employment will be subject to a criminal record check and other background checks before the appointment is confirmed. Dry and persistent with some grapey notes. © 2009 CREDIT SUISSE GROUP and/or its affiliates. All rights reserved. unionpage

Ashley Brown The Future of the Ground Floor President [email protected] dB’s and da Vinci’s, your days are There’s been many a turd-polishing exercise numbered! on da Vinci’s and dB’s over the years to keep them going, but the fact is that they’re We’ve got shiny new offi ces, meeting rooms poorly designed and not fi t for an expanding, and a new student activities centre. Now it’s leading university in the 21st century. Even the turn of the bars. with a marquee in the quad we don’t have enough space to get everyone in on big Those of you who’ve been around for the nights, such as the freshers’ Mingle – we past few years may have noticed lots of had to hold two this year and some halls still building work, as part of the grandly titled had problems getting tickets. Then there’s “Beit Masterplan”. Phases 1 and 2 are having space for a coffee machine, so those mostly complete, with the new student students who aren’t complete alcoholics – activities centre, offi ces, meeting rooms which is a lot of you – can feed their caffeine and gym all either in use, or a few days from addiction instead. being there. With the economy still in a slump, this is an Now it’s time for Phase 3, which is the ‘big excellent time to get building work done, so one’. It deals with something close to many we want to get started. We’re working on of our hearts – the bars and nightclub. Many the money side, but we need your input. If of you will have enjoyed nights drinking in you don’t like what we offer, it’s time to step the bar or dancing (perhaps poorly, after the up and tell us what you want. We’ll only get aforementioned drinking) in dB’s, but no-one one shot at this, and we need to get it right. would claim that we have the best venue. Many of you will also have complained We want to see your ideas, sketches, bitterly about your surroundings, while photos, best practice from other unions, drinking for £1.50 a pint on a Wednesday. clubs etc, etc. Send them in to president@ imperial.ac.uk and we’ll put them all together and come up with a plan.

SPORTS NIGHT £1.50 pint - returns! Fosters, John Smiths Every Wednesday 20:00-02:00 & Blackthorn

imperialcollegeunion.org 38 felix FRIDAY 16 OCTOBER 2009 CLUBS & Clubs & Socs Editor Alex Kendall  SOCIETIES [email protected] The Fellwanderers’ Pre-Season Tour Using the best of excuses to get away for the weekend, the Fellwanderers discover that summer still exists.

he first Fellwanderers trip of the year, a new addition took on the appearance of liposuction to the already packed cal- fat after too few stirs let the mayon- T endar, is the Pre-Season naise liquid leak out. Shudder. That Tour to our favourite place however wasn’t the evil food of the in the world, and my second home, the evening. Peter and I had found cheap Mountain Hut in Snowdonia. basics Christmas Puddings for desert Despite panic at junction 15 of the which were great on their own and in M40, we were soon on our way. We got no way needed custard. Since I was al- to the hut before 2am after hearing a ready eating when the call for custard hideous version of ‘Wonderwall’ – just went out Chris stepped up to volun- imagine it being sung by a crooner teer. God knows what went wrong. Joe with a little synthetic jazz riffs in the took one look at the horrendous cus- background. We also heard the song tard sucking the life and joy out of his ‘Jolene’ by Dolly Parton, a song that once beautiful pudding and looked as would come back to haunt us. though life no longer held any joy for The target for the first day’s walk him. He ran out of the front door to was Cnicht, also known as the Welsh bury it in the garden while Chris ladled Matterhorn. Cnicht lies to the south of more of the offensive custard onto the Snowdon and is quite isolated, which puddings of other innocent victims. makes for some interesting route plan- The clouds had lowered by the time ning. Past Beddgelert in the minibus we left the hut on Sunday and so we we turned onto the thinnest, steepest drove to Llyn Ogwen to do a section and most dangerous road I have been of the Glyders. By now Jolene had been on in a minibus (outside Scotland of played at least 7 times. It was becom- course). Even Rachel was surprised, ing infectious. We spent far more time and Chris cried and screamed that he than we wanted in the ‘facilities’ at Id- didn’t want to die (this may or may not wal Cottage as the Christmas pudding, have happened). After a terrifying 90 custard and baked beans had engaged degree turn around a house where we in a violent and unfortunate chemical could easily have ripped half the roof reaction in some people’s stomachs. off, we arrived at a car park and I be- Our route for that day took us up the gan the first walk of the year by taking Devil’s Kitchen, a rock fall up to the us into a dense Pine plantation with no Glyders. A path that snakes its way up path. Good start. Yvonne kindly sug- through the black stones. gested after about 5 minutes that it The weather changes the feel of this looked impassable and so back down walk dramatically and the cloud base to the road we went and eventually that day was divided in two, and I think detailed in full. fore. Having one on the first trip of the was just above us at the top of the found a marked route. ‘second lunch’ is a phrase we should First lunch was before our ascent year was hopefully a good sign. kitchen. It wasn’t raining and there Yr Arddu is typical of that area, a use more often. to the Snowdon summit and Chris Our descent was via the legendary was no wind. Upon reaching the col rocky rise in the land with no obvious That evening we discovered why it cracked out Wales’ only single malt Crib Goch, which never gets boring. the wind picked up a bit, but we were summit but many high rocky outcrops, was the first and last time that I will whisky, which was good despite being Most of the group hadn’t done this all warm from the climb. Now in the ringed by masses of ferns and heath- ever pack for a trip. I had forgotten slightly odd in not having an age. famous ridge yet and the conditions cloud we took a left turn onto one of er. We snaked our way through this all the utensils and had only brought Emerging onto the final section were perfect. Even the scary bit (the bit the many paths leading up the barren lost world, from which we could look enough toilet roll for about half an of the ascent, at around 1000m up, that feels like walking over a 900m high rocky slope to the summit of Glyder back at Snowdon covered in cloud and hour. Nevertheless, we survived there was suddenly only blue above wobbly brick wall) went well. And for Fawr, sticking together as visibility was ahead at Cnicht which was clear to the through the night with enough time us and perfect white clouds stretched once we actually found the right way down to 20m. Following the cairns summit. The discovery of some safety for me to buy some more in Beddge- away below. Our spirit had even risen down. we reached the small stone circle of a goggles lying in a heather clump was lert. Stir fry was followed by cake and slightly as it collided with the southern That night was a night of firsts and summit shelter and huddled down in truly mysterious. I imagine whoever (very well cooked) custard. Everyone ridge of Snowdon, a wave on a rock. lasts. It was the first time (I think) that what were actually quite mild condi- was strange enough to actually bring was tired, more from the body-shock We climbed the last few dozen metres jacket potatoes have been dinner. And tions for lunch number one. safety goggles to the Welsh mountains of being thrust straight back into the elated and had a long sit on top. I had apart from a few undercooked beasts We followed the ridge path towards will be utterly distraught at their loss. world of walking rather than it being never seen these conditions, known as they went quite well and were certainly our next peak, Glyder Fach, scram- If it was anyone reading this, you are a a particularly tough day, so we went to a temperature inversion, in the UK be- filling, though the tuna mayonnaise bling up the boulder field that stretch- true Imperial student! sleep soon after playing Werewolf. es all around. The summit plateau of The slight descent from Yr Arddu Saturday was a day of sudden chang- Glyder Fach has one of the famous and the ascent up to Cnicht’s ridge is es in decision, which because they rock formations for walkers in Wales, a land of small abandoned slate mines went so well is a policy I think we the Cantilever, a long slab of rock posi- , hidden away behind outcrops, their should adopt as a club more often. It tioned like one end of a see-saw, giving former roads overgrown tracks and was also a day of cooked breakfast, but the impression that any extra weight their slate piles dark industrialised only because we found eggs and beans would tip it. It is, of course, a fantastic rock. in the hut and got up a bit earlier. photo opportunity. The sun kept get- It was a short and easy scramble The most important decision was ting stronger and the cloud was always from there to the summit of Cnicht, a change of plan to do the Snowdon close to disappearing but never quite which was well below the clouds. This horseshoe about two minutes before did. Our route down connected up was the first time several of us, includ- the turning. The weather was still with the Miners track and then turned ing myself, had been up Cnicht. The patchy with cloud but there was plenty in a giant zig-zag down to the col below view south gives a completely differ- of blue and there’s nothing quite like, Tryfan where we emerged below the ent picture of Wales than the impres- or more rare than, Snowdon on a good cloud. A good spot for lunch number sion we are used to of Snowdon and day. The car park was packed and so two! We only half-heartedly attempted the Glyders, where steep sides become we set off the slightly less popular way to follow the Heather Trail along the cliffs and the summits are high above. round of doing Y Lliwedd first. Luck- southern flank of Tryfan and kept los- South is the country of giant clumps of ily there were few other people on this ing it. The Heather Trail, following its rock where it must be easy to get lost. ridge and the views all around were name, it unhelpfully overgrown along That’s my excuse anyway. hazy as we ascended. There was a most of its length. The descent back to the minibus chunk of cloud on top but it was thin I hope everyone enjoyed the trip. As for went along another flatter ridge past and the sun had warmed it into a sau- Jolene, that bloody song is still in my head. several lyns and then a drop down to na, a nice change from the Fellwander- the valley where we walked through ers usual experience with cloud. See the woods, on a path this time. Lunch later trip reports for this experience The legendary ridge of Crib Gogh. Note the lack of fear. Want to join? [email protected] felix FRIDAY 16 OCTOBER 2009 39 CLUBS & ClubsClubs & SocsSocs EditorEditor AAlexlex KKendallendall  SOCIETIES [email protected] The Cheese Society Takes a Trip Round Their Spiritual Home Former Cheese president Heather Jones on the first ever tour for CheeseSoc. To Cheddar. Obviously.

n the 13th and 14th tion our sign was obscured by a tree weather was wonderfully warm we produced an interesting yet tasty Mac- and tea, a cultural experience for our June Cheese Soc went and despite going round the rounda- worried the cheese might spoil. With a aroni cheese, prepared with 5 different foreign students, we progressed to the on their first tour, to bout twice we failed to make the right strict agreement to meet back outside cheeses. Museum of Prehistory where the most O Cheddar. We met at choice. The result: a half hour long the factory at 4:30 everyone wandered Next stop was predictably the pub noteworthy exhibit was undoubtedly 9am on Saturday morn- detour up a random road in Bristol, an off to enjoy the town, leaving Nathaniel where people had previously found a the giant rotating defleshed skull de- ing and many were looking worse for educating experience. As we were now and me behind as food box sitters. We Cider Festival was being held and at £1 signed, we hope, to show how the pre- wear from the previous night. Physics effectively 2 hours late we had to call would like to thank Hugh who bought for half a pint of almost any cider you viously cannibalistic people living in exams and others had recently finished and rearrange our factory tour time, us both drinks to make the wait more could name, what better way to spend the caves left the skulls of their dead. and a combination of this and an ICSE but at least we were back on track and enjoyable. a balmy summers evening? We discov- Once again Raphael was last out of the social had led to some hangovers in the racing along at the veritable light speed At 4:30 everyone was back in the ered that the pub had a late licence yet museum; perhaps we just don’t have bus. Despite repeated advertising of of 62mph. bus except, somewhat predictably, some still managed to stay until closing the same interest in cannibalism as he the time of departure, by quarter past 9 Eventually we arrived in Ched- Samir, John and Alex. 15 minutes later time. does... we were still waiting for two, Alex and dar and everyone got out outside the they deigned to make an appearance The next morning our appointment The last stop before lunch was Cox’s Marita, and bets began to be placed on Cheese Factory for some lunch be- protesting that they’d had no idea the to visit the caves was at 10am and con- Cave, described as frightening and in who was to be the last. fore our tour, well at least they stood correct time was 4:30. Sarcastic com- sidering the amount some people had its own way it was; though mostly in Phonecalls to the pair meant the race around the box of food like sad puppies ments to the effect that everyone else drunk the previous night, the cooked the “how could they make a cave tour was on as Marita was getting cash out wondering where their bowls were, had managed to arrive promptly fell on breakfast was welcomed by most. After this tacky” way. As you entered the in Sherfield and Alex was on his way whilst I paid. As I explained that there deaf ears, and with everyone collected considerable hassling almost everyone cave complex there was mood lighting from South Ken station. In what was to was more of a “self-service” ethos to we drove to the Youth Hostel, whose arrived for breakfast with one excep- and, bizarrely, opera which is presum- become characteristic lateness it was this trip – food in box, you eat food – entrance was perilously narrow. tion, John, who was in as sorry a state ably pitched so that with enough repe- Alex who turned up latest with Nath- everyone began to tuck in. Nikita and I hid our eyes as Nathan- as Toby had been the previous day. titions the stalactites will all fall off the aniel beginning to drive away as he The tour of the cheese factory that iel carefully manoeuvred the bus round Eventually we arrived to get our cave ceiling to spear a school child. How- arrived, just to annoy him. All aboard followed was exciting to all lovers of a corner I was convinced it would not tickets and the enthusiastic exhibit ever, this was not the “really scary” we headed to our next stop, Reading, cheese – especially Alex (next year’s fit around. Cheese Soc simply doesn’t man radioed round all of his colleagues part, marked with a special sign. Here to pick up Samir who wasn’t going to President) who wanted to go back have the money to pay the £400 fee for so that we could split up and still see all things went downhill, fast, first there miss his train... At some stage along to halls with concrete evidence for a writing off a minibus and there was a of the exhibits. First stop was the much were the wild animals with red eyes, the M4 he called. He’d missed the train corridor mate that leaving milk to go deserved round of applause as he ex- revered cave of the Cheddar Man, with and then the disappearing goblins with and the next one wouldn’t get him in off indefinitely would NOT produce pertly parked us. During check-in it the 100,000 year old skeleton displayed glowing eyes. However, the final cham- to Reading station until almost an hour cheese, and indeed it doesn’t. A video transpired that the rooms we had been at the entrance. However, the displays ber housed a woman suspended in the later than we’d planned. showed us the entire process, from un- allocated were not those we’d been of stalactites and stalagmites we saw air, with a plastic dragon and strobe With the delays in our departure and pasteurised milk arriving in a lorry to told about over the phone, but despite inside were not quite as impressive as lighting. We emerged having laughed a the increasing volume of the demands the finished product aging in a cave, that confusion we managed to get the the amount of time it took Raphael to great deal and were all ready for lunch. for a breakfast stop the obvious solu- whilst a man could be seen actually do- boys and girls in separate rooms and go round the caves. Helene theorised The remainder of the day was free tion was a McDonalds visit to waste ing some of it through a glass viewing unpacking. that he was listening to the audio guide and whilst some attempted the gorge half an hour. We reached the outskirts window. In fact, the cheese maker oc- Though it was still early we decided to every exhibit in both French and walk with its beautiful views across of Reading and then stopped at the casionally came out to speak to visitors that making a premature start to din- English but whatever the reasons for the reservoir and fields, others opted first available McDonalds where the and we were lucky enough to ask him ner would be a good way to maximise it most people had retired to Ched- for more leisurely pursuits such as ice- greasy food hangover cure was a popu- a few questions about how the cheese the obvious evening activity of cider dars smallest tea house by the time he cream eating and cider vat collection. lar choice with some notable porridge- was made, all of which were answered sampling. The assistance of many emerged. When we were reunited for the trip loving exceptions. in a delightful Somerset accent. wonderful cheese graters and John After some truly delightful scones home everyone had a souvenir of some Driving on into Reading was where In fact, it is worth noting that this description, whether it was handmade the navigating became more interest- gentleman named Ande, who has sweets, 5 gallons of cider or our belov- ing; in the interests of finding a Mc- won world’s best cheddar award for ed Cheddar. Donalds we had deviated from our a number of years, can no longer eat Happily the trip home was less in- Google Map and were now reliant cheese! He now suffers from diabetes teresting than the trip there and for on Reading’s signposts to lead us to and has had a massive heart attack some particularly (oh poor Beth) it a seemingly easy target, the station. and can no longer consume any of was marred only by Alex and John’s However, we had counted on neither the superb cheese he spends his life intent discussion of the relative mer- the massive leaf growth, nor Reading producing! its of different classes of starship and council’s ingenious habit of placing After viewing the factory we fin- which races could potentially breed. traffic lights directly in front of the ished our tour with the tasting, where Or something. Your reaction to the va- direction signs indicating where you every variety of Cheddar they produce lidity of a 4 hour conversation in this were going at any particular junction. in the factory could be sampled, in- vein may tell you something about the More by fluke than skill we pulled cluding the interesting Cheddar with suitability of Imperial for someone of into the station waiting area as Samir’s yeast, tasting like marmite. They also your temperament. train pulled into the station. A man informed us that if we went to see the With many thanks to the M4 bus with a parrot on his shoulder then caves we would be able to see their lane, we made it back almost on proceeded to amuse us whilst Samir cheese being aged there in large cages. time and wonderfully on budget for got lost trying to find the bus. Some I can confirm that cave aged cheese fuel. The first Cheese Soc tour was a more interesting navigation later and does has a significantly different taste great success and I hope you’ll join us we were back on the M4 headed for to normal cheddar and would recom- next year for our next tours, where a Bristol. mend that it’s well worth a try. trip to Switzerland has already been Everything was going well until the It was promised that everyone would proposed. low foliage issue cropped up again in have an opportunity to buy from the the centre of Bristol. At a critical junc- shop, the following day, but as the CheeseSoc’s first trip, here, an example of just a slice of what they get up to. Email: [email protected]

Your Club or Society Here. Description of your awesome trip or event here. There are 346 clubs and societies at Imperial. Want your club to be in felix? Send us a description of a trip, event, tour or social with some good pictures and everyone will know about it. Email [email protected] 40 felix FRIDAY 16 OCTOBER 2009

TTextext in to 07832670472 CAT-NIP Email in at [email protected] DrDropop us a message at felixonline.co.uk Which odd Imperial Your drunk mate stereotype have you photo of the week noticed about? FELIX DULY NOTES THAT IMPERIAL HAS ITS STEREOTYPES. LET’S SEE IF ANYONE’S ACTUALLY SEEN ANY......

The classic! The library geeks that World of Warcraft anyone? Yeh Rugby lads. WAHEEEEEEEEY. enter College only in the darker hours fucking right. Play World of Shitcraft Rugby of the day. They get to their computer once again in the library whilst I just as you’re finishing off your latest need a computer to print off my Oh fine don’t hold open the door for lab report in for that morning...... then dissertation for a deadline 10 minutes me. Oh fine blank me and pretend start coding the fuck away like there’s away, and I will honestly take my you never saw me despite being in no tomorrow. DANCE FINGERS laptop to your face, and slam it a la your lab group for the whole year. DANCE! Vinnie Jones in Lock Stock Oh ok be a dick to me when I ask Anonymous Anonymous to borrow a pencil which isn’t even yours. There’s always awkward Physics Mates in the Maths library all playing Chemist lads about. They wander about the your shitty online warrior game or Blackett Laboratory looking a bit whatever you play. It’s like a fucking The too cool for school ones that lost. They’re not lost, they’re just wave of mouse clicks as you enter never hang out with anyone from pondering over the latest equation the room. Spotify on uni accounts, Imperial. Go to street parties in that may or may not matter to nothing else. Brixton and stuff. Wear stupid anything or everything. 3rd Year, Anonymous outrageous ‘cool’ clothes. Physicist but not awkward Obviously not cool Hockey ladettes everywhere on There’s this fresher about the Union Wednesday night. Never seen a girl AMERICANS AT THE UNION. always so fucking loud and trying drink so much. Then again, never HOW GREAT ARE THEY? to impress everyone. FUCK OFF seen a girl vomit that much. Hockey SERIOUSLY, THEY TALK TO YOU WHOEVER YOU ARE. ladies forever! AND ARE NORMAL! 3rd Year, Mech. Eng. Anonymous 4th Year, Chem. Eng This guy is pictured during pre-season rugby training. Not only does he have his hands taped together, he’s also cheekily winking at you too. Edward Ciderhands anyone? EMAIL/TEXT US FOR NEXT WEEK’S CATNIP Got a picture of your mate being an absolute waste of oxygen? Email your WHERE’S THE WEIRDEST PLACE photos to [email protected] YOU’VE HAD SEX? (Contact details above!) Senders must have permission to use for submitted photos and accept full responsibility for them xkcd.com felix FRIDAY 16 OCTOBER 2009 41

HangmanPuttingPutting thethe catcat outout toto drydry [email protected]

Medic President A pessimist’s guide to ousted in bloody coup rearing AAnonymousnonymous Hangman Editor Anil Chopra is violently removed by guy much bigger than him ostalgia. The good old days. ality. Crush them yourself! AAnonymousnonymous Hangman Editor weights, drinking protein shakes and don’t care, fuck off out of my section - Sepia-tinted memories of That’s right, when they discover a listening to angry, angry rap music” Hangman Ed). N childhood. Gleefully ac- dead bird at the bottom of the garden The medic community is said to Hangman spoke to a group of Med- cepting a present from and they ask you why it’s not mov- South America, Africa, South-East largely support the actions of General ics yesterday morning who were recov- Santa as you bounce up and down on ing, you calmly place a hand on their Asia and Reynold’s Bar. What do these Hurtkill (that’s not his name - Ed) (I ering from another drunken night out. his knee. shoulder, look them in the eyes and exotic places have in common? Yes “Yeah it’s cool that he’s gone, I mean I should point out, however, that this say, “One day, that’s going to be you!” If that’s right, the violent removal of as long as I’m allowed to drink loads of is hangman. Those sepia-tinted mem- at this point they don’t burst into tears, democratically elected officials. snakebites, get naked in Reynold’s and ories become low-budget Crimewatch push them over. Life is shit! They need But while the people of Fiji are ac- throw up on some girl’s tits then I’ll be reconstructions and parents issue a to know this! customed to members of the military happy.” desperate plea for Santa to return their Remember to point out, as you fin- turning on the government, it’s only a 19% Some questioned the failure to re- child. ish reading your daughter pleasant recent phenomenon in the impover- spect the democratic wishes of the Gone are the days when you fear that tales of princes and princesses, that ished hell-hole of the Medic’s Ham- Percentage of Medics who student body, “It’s simply not demo- you’re going to be the laughing stock of they most likely won’t live happily ever mersmith campus. support the actions taken cratic, why did this guy get to punch the maternity ward, with a disfigured after because one in three couples get Tension had been building for weeks him in the face? What if I wanted to do mutant for a baby, a girlfriend who divorced, one in three of us will get and culminated last Wednesday, the against Anil Chopra it? Now the chance is gone forever, it’s blames you for the defective gene and cancer and the other one will be a les- 7th of October at approximately quar- just not right.” a doctor that has the unfortunate task bian. If, after this, she still insists that ter to awesome, when Mr Chopra was For most Medics however, daily life of telling you that abortion is actually she wants to be a princess then tell her “gooned in the face” as one above-aver- has continued without change. It’s not illegal once the thing has come out of she’s too fat. They’ll only learn self- age Medic so eloquently put it. clear what the new regime intends to the vagina. Don’t despair! You can just deprecation when they’re older. Conflicting reports suggest that the do now that it has the reins of power. catch a flight over to Delhi and flog In essence, children need to learn now disgraced former-President has 81% They’re likely to follow policies that the thing off as the reincarnation of that having fun is NOT ok! Be realistic; fled to the Brazilian embassy near will be popular amongst the vast ma- Ganesha! if you see a spectacled boy pretending Marble Arch where he is planning his Percentage of Medics who jority of Medics, including free rectal Children are there for one reason and to pilot a fighter jet, remind him that comeback. An insider at the Brazil- wish they had punched him in examinations, 80% proof gin and a day that’s indoctrination. Don’t let them he’s spectacled and tell him that he can ian embassy told Hangman that “he’s the face personally off, sometimes... No sorry the last one grow up, only to have their dreams and play as a mechanic or a chef. Sit back, working out every day, running, lifting is just a crude joke. aspirations crushed by devastating re- relax and watch him cry!

Hangman’s fool proof guide to Why we hate the rugby team catching chlamydia as shoshownwn by John JaJamesmes 1. They think that drinking ten pints makes yyouou a lad, when we all knoknow,w, a white-wine spritzer will do the trick. 1. Find President (right) 2. They act all tough... but I knoknoww that they all hug in the shoshowers,wers, at least that’that’ss what 2. Try it on happened to me... once... *sob* with President 3. They secrsecretlyetly wish they werweree good at football 3. Remove 4. They hahaveve twtwoo versions of the gagame,me, neither pink shirts of which interinterestsests anyanyone...one... 5. They genuinely pissed into skiffs in the Union 4. Repeat until Bar this past WWednesdayednesday instead of going to the sterility toilet... even my cats piss into a litter tratray.y. 66.. TheyThey’ve’ve never beaten the Medics... FFAILAIL (Did you just accuse the President of having chlamydia? - Ed) (Yeahhh that might not be true - Hangman Ed) 42 felix FRIDAY 16 OCTOBER 2009 COFFEE Coffee BrBreakeak Editor Charlie Murdoch BREAK [email protected]

Bloody Union Stuff Imperial students like: Fun Police 3. Gym: clubs as a whole. For freshers, you CharlieChar Murdoch Coffee Break Editor have to have an induction to ensure Not 100% sure about this one, but that you don’t get tangled up in a seeing as Imperial has the only free weights machine and strangle your- University gym in the country we self. Boring as shite, but you have to ince when did the union there wasn’t a warning sign, not the all kinda love it. do it. start to employ Fun Police? I fact that nobody stopped you. It’s your The fact that you can rock up Finally, the real reason that you go don’t know if it is just that it fault you twat. To be brutally honest for a quick gun sculpting session, for a session is not to buff up, but S is a new year, and they are all if you need a warning sign saying that or a splash about in the pool with to sit on the bikes and check out being extra cautious, or they water coming out of a hot tap is going a bunch on 9 year olds, all for free the arses of the girls who are on the are actually serious. Last Wednesday to be hot, then you deserve to burn is pretty epic. The end result is the running machines. Don’t say you’ve we played the Medics, and won. Thus yourself. biggest (by percent) student en- never done it as it is impossible not it was necessary to celebrate in style. My idea of fun, before Union antics, rolment in the gym, and sporting to. Seriously, check it out. We like to do this by standing on the is to spend my time standing on the Women. Guns. Weights. Nice. tree of woe in the Quad and drinking goal line of a hockey pitch, waiting for beer. I like it there, it’s comfortable and someone to hit a ball at me. I think that I can see everyone. However, this ac- that little white ball can cause consid- tion has been banned by the bloody erably more damage to someone than Fun Police. For those of you who don’t the tree of woe. know about the tree of woe, you can Aside from that rant, thank you all probably have a pretty good stab into for writing in with so many answers to the dark to decide what it entails. It the puzzles. I will be putting the FUC- BE MY PUZZLES BITCH!! is a tree, where you will be woeful for WIT in next week. If I can be arsed, actions you have committed. Many which at the minute is very much touch dirty pints have been consumed there, and go. I really need a puzzles bitch to and many left there, but it’s just a bit come and help us out. It will only take of harmless fun. However every time about two hours a week, and if nobody COME TO FELIX, BEIT WEST WING someone stands upon its hallowed po- comes down I am going to have to pull sition, some Margaret runs over and some of the puzzles out. You may have gives you a right bollocking. I’m not already noticed that there is no Nono- sure I think this is acceptable. gram again this week! So please please What is the worst that can happen? come down to the West ing of Beit to FOR SEXY CHAT Is it only me who thinks if you fall over have the time of your life! Literally the and hurt yourself, it is you that is to amount of laddish behaviour that oc- ...... and puzzles related fun blame? Not the floor, not the fact that curs here is unfathomable.

ANON: “I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was “You’ll never find anyone like me again!” I’m thinking, “I should hope not! If I don’t want you, why would I want someone like you?”” Quote of the Week This week’s best of failblog.com Graphic Dingbats

I quite like these dingbats, and you all seem well pleased that you managed to get them too. I can’t remember what the answers were, but there was rubbish Cliff Richard one and Jealous Guy by Roxy Music. Have fun with this week’s.

1 How Pop travels from place to place

Driver Passenger

0 28 48 + Iggy

n= 76

2 What the Boss would recommend for fire starting

A match A bomb

Apologies to a certain Tom Roberts, a victim of mistaken An angry woman

identity in last week’s Lovestruck. We’re so sorry we A spark caused you so much embarrassment. Man up, son! Considerable cans of Baked Beanz felix FRIDAY 16 OCTOBER 2009 43 [email protected] COFFEE BREAK Slitherlink 1,440 Mentalist Maze Solution 1439

1 2 3 2 2 1 2 2 3 2 2 2 3 2 2 2 2232 1 1 2 2 3 2 2 3 2 1 1 3 2 1 3 2 1 2 0 3 1 3 1 2 321 123 2 1 2 2 12 2 2 22 23 1 2 3 1 2 2 2 3 2 3 2 2 2 I am glad you all decided to send in so 0212 22 many entries last week, well done to Susan Jones who was the first off the mark, and a little too keen for my liking 222 2 3 3 with her Friday submission. 3 2 How to play: It’s quite simple, all numbers are in a cell and must be surrounded with a 312 2 2 corresponding number of lines. Lines cannot split and there can only be one continuous line. Any cells with no 2 3 3 2 3 2 2 numbers can have any number of lines. Look at the solution above for help. Wordoku 1,440 Going underground

Scribble box So, all the Arsenal was the correct sta- Each letter in the alphabet is assigned a E M B L R tion for last week. Personally I think value, 1-26 (see table) and when added it a bit of a dump, but meah. Each to together for a specific word the sum B K I their own. This week’s is a little closer equals the total shown. All you have to to home. Well done to Ian Fulton who do is scan and send the Underground was the biggest fan last week. Remem- station that is hidden each week to su- K M As promised, last week’s was a ber to get those answers in quick. [email protected] Solution 1439 topical answer, and can be seen L E C B to the left. I am not feeling spe- A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z S O T R A F E N B cial again, so can’t be arsed to do 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 L C A R N T P E S F U the full solution. Get over it. This E P F O S N A T S issue’s I can assure you is child- Dave Jones B A N K R U L C R F E S T A O P W ish. Big well done to . = 28 2+1+14+11=28. Job done. O T S N E P R A A 2 1 14 11 Wordoku is identical to Sudoku; N A P F R O T S N C M we’ve just replaced numbers So which London tube station sums to 71? P S R E N T F O K with letters. Complete the puzzle I L U T N O A F R P E E and then send the whole grid to F E A P O S N R R [email protected]. ______= 71 E C R L You will not get credit for just the word alone. It’s not an anagram.

ffelixelix LLoveovesstrucktruck “You, hungry honey I see you in MUST HAVE.” “I’ve lost my boyfriend to an iPhone. physics lectures, and I like what I Champ Bare depressing. He’s satisfied in see. Fancy sucking my nipples while every way too. That iPhone’s been 07726 799 424 I finish off your quantum problem “You, eating a baguette in the SAF into places the sun don’t shine. sheets?” cafe. Me, staring at you from first Vibrate mode I presume. I’m just Haralambos level of SAF. We caught eye contact, another App to him now. Anyone Seen that special you cowered and pointed me out fancy a drink?” “Desperately seeking a 10 minute with a look of disgust to your friend. Zeenya person? Could be meeting with AJdM his arrogance Drink?” the one? Want to gives me the horn, but as yet my lust Sexy, I promise “You, in Union toilets in cubicle is unrequited.” next to me. We both grunted. I fell see them again? Aviva for life in love.” I understand you wanted meaning- Girly Shitter “I see you in hall. I want sexy time less sex, but really I wanted love. Text LLoveovesstrucktruck with you. You on Floor 1. Me on We did it, but it turns out I have “Fugly girl wearing purple about the to get a free union street outside. Me with giant seeing- VD. Now that’s what I call love. We Union. Always with blonde lesbian into-your-room device. ME LIKE finally share something. Ring me. lover. Repulsive. Threesome?” lunch together! WHAT I SEE. LET ME HAVE. Anonymous Not Dan at all 44 felix FRIDAY 16 OCTOBER 2009 COFFEE BREAK [email protected] A quickie (crossword) 1,440

1 1 2 2 3 3 4 4 5 5 6 6 7 ACROSS Stores (anag.) (6) 17 Pertaining to singing groups (6) 7 7 Football (9,4) 18 Intentional malice (5) Solution 1439 8 US take-home-leftovers- 21 One’s “peepers” (4) P O L E G A M B R O S I A recepticle (5,3) M O Y I J O A O U I U N L 9 10 9 One’s “hooter” (4) B E R S E R K X M I N I M 10 One’s “ballbag” (7) It is home time. Jerry Lee Lewis won. O L I B K D E E B G B R A 8 9 12 Addy-uppys and takey-y away-ys Send answers into sudoku.felix@im- B A C C Y O U R A N U S D and that (5) perial.ac.uk. Win iPods. B C O N L M P A U N R T E Y O D E L S M M A G N U M 11 12 14 One’s “pie-hole” (5) 16 Lardy felines - Greedy corporate Crossword by Peter Logg E M E T Y N G U R A I S A types (3,4) F A T E A S E I M O N E T 10 11 12 19 One’s “lugs” (4) Some random Latin: It, net ea eum res T U R E R M N N P O O T E B O O B Y B O L I V I E R 20 Type of jumper - Retort of traffic sitiis ditatur? S A I R A L M E T L S G Y 13 14 13 16 17 police (8) Uptatur molum hillign ihilliquas mod P A T E N T E D T H Y D E 22 Hept’th Nirvana (7,6) mi, occum quis et ini venissi minctem voluptiumquo iumque doloreribus 14 15 16 17 saectem. Nam, ut odit. DOWN 17 20 18 21 22 1 Notorious Roman Emperor (4) Scribble box 19 20 21 2 With all guns blazing (4,2) 3 One of the lunar phases (7) 4 One’s “pipes” (5) 24 25 5 Country formerly ruled by Idid Amin (6) 22 6 Sudden burst of success (5,3) 11 Hymns which singing groups may 26 sing (8) 13 “Posh-o” hunting cry (5-2) 15 Type who may frequent a hunt? -

Hobo-scopes! This week’s Horoscopes, but homeless More unnecessary abuse and ramblings of a mentalist who should be kept under lock and key at all times

Aquarius Taurus Leo Scorpio

You fucking fresher Fuck! There she is Oh shit mate, you You’ve been eating cunt. What do you again. Should you go fucked this one up eh. baked beans all week think you are actually speak to her? She did What’s all this lesbian because your student trying to achieve?  add you as a friend  pullage going on, now?  loan still hasn’t come  Please fuck off back on facebook, but you We’re not in a staged through. NASA have to your own shitty were really drunk frat party porn video. rung up the College ask- little life and live it out without getting anyone when you met her. No! What are you doing, you You know what I’m talking about lads. Eh? Oh ing for you. They think you could help launch their else involved. I hate you, your family and your shy fuck?! Don’t go prowling her corridor in the look at that fella, probably you, you’ve got so next rocket with the amount of gas you’re building long lost grandmother. Do the world a favour vain hope of meeting her. Bash open her door, excited about it all you’ve blown your top. Quite up. You’re a national treasure. You’ll be farting and and jump into the Thames, get sucked down by present your tool and ride her from behind until literally. Everywhere. The room’s fucking sticky. eating beans on TV and Radio in no time. None of the current and drown the bedsheets are saturated with blood. Simples! Fucking well done, mate. Lick it all up then. Twat. this felix bullshit. Who writes these anyway?

Pisces Gemini Virgo Sagittarius

Next. Pisces. You are The policeman takes You seem a little dirty This week you wander cutting it fine. You step a deep breath and this week. You have into your room to out of line again an I looks you directly in about 20 numbers and find your parents shit you not I’m going the face. “Rape, my 560 new friends on rampantly having sex  to punch your liver out  friend, is a serious facebook after Freshers’ with your roommate. of your loose anus. I am crime but murder is Week. Still you have “A threesome!” you not impressed with your progress at Imperial and the worse crime you can commit”. “Murder?” no friends. What do you do now? Hire a hooker exclaim. “Not for you, my son,” says your Dad. for fucks sake I hope you improve. Either that or You exclaim in horror. “She died of internal to the Union on a Wednesday night, make her do Wow, rejected from a threesome, involving your vomiting through your nose will become a regular bleeding, God knows why you shoved a span- the most sordid sex acts you can imagine in front own parents, who are old, a bit plastic looking occurrence. In the coming weeks I hope for your ner in her anus”. “But I was told to present my of her, and then send her the fuck back to Soho and have quite frankly lost all their moves. Your sake that you learn how to drink beer. tool!!!” You cry in disbelief. where you go her. Respect though. Pint? roommate seems to enjoy the slow thrusting.

Aries Cancer Libra Capricorn

You are still wiping The Judge’s gavel You’ve still got no You find yourself back your eyes in disbelief, pounds down with a friends, and quite in your mate’s room in everyone here looks nerve shattering boom. frankly you’re trying halls after a night in the different! 18 years “LIFE!” he hisses at quite hard now. Well, Union. You’re having a spent in a shitty little  you, his face contorted take out a blender, or really good conversation mining town in a bleak with pure hatred. Your buy one from Argos on when you suddenly get corner of Yorkshire and now London, full of peo- shitty, miserable excuse for an existence has now High Street Ken, put your hands in, and threaten a hard on. Oh shit, mate. What do you do? Well, ple of various colours and shapes. Is this girl what come down to 30 years in a 3x3 metre box. Kiss to switch it on until someone in your hall says get that ginger-pube inhabiting-snake out of there they call “Chinese”? She’s quite hot in a strange goodbye to your sphincter muscle mate, that they’ll spend the day with you, most probably and make use of it! Rub it up against the walls and way - that’s known as the Yellow Fever son. Now massive black guy in the cell adjacent to you has watch you masturbate in your pants at the mere place it carefully between your mate’s mattress and back the fuck off ‘cos she’s mine, all mine. already lined you up as his next bitch. Fail. thought of having a ‘friend’. bedstand. He looks on in disgust. You’re a fucker. felix FRIDAY 16 OCTOBER 2009 45 [email protected] COFFEE BREAK Aunty McPickle solves the majority of your problems one by one. The rest she really can’t be arsed with

been getting very heated recently, as has been bringing home many arty we finally took the plunge. However specimens. The one he seems to be despite my preconceptions of his at- most proud of has been having the tributes, it turns out he’s got a MAS- strangest effect on me. SIVE chode. I get surges of uncontrollable rage I cannot express my disappoint- at just a glimpse at this disgusting ment, even though his motion is sat- near masterpiece. I have to restrain isfying, it’s hardly detectable. Can myself from grabbing the nearest you recommend any positions which crockery and lobbing it somewhere. optimise depth but minimise girth? I know this all sounds unusual but I really don’t know what to do. A vacant Virginia Dear Aunty McPickle, On the gardener front, set up sneaky tication. How can I sway my woeful A Vicious Vinci camera in the unsuspecting locations. eyes away? I’m sorry to bring up bestiality in It might just be some innocent petting Dear Virginia, my opening sentence, but I have a but for peace of mind it might prove NaTash Enrechner Dear Vinci, lingering concern that my gardener fruitful. Hope you get to the bottom of I have taken the time to research cham- may be having sexual relations with this highly muzzling situation soon. pion chode positions and have found It sounds like you’re a sufferer of the my dog. These suspicions are based Hi Tash, the detectable “pan-chode-cake”, for a Stendahl syndrome, which causes irra- on a disgruntled loss of innocence Aunty McPickle xxx full diagram just google it. It basically tional feelings of anger when exposed to in his eyes, paw prints on the bed I don’t know what to say. I’m not trained entails (surprise, surprise) a lot of “pan- fine art. This is as physcosomatic illness sheets and a trowel in the dog bed. for this kind of heavy duty, stationary chode-cake” tossing. This helps the which can even produce hallucinations How do I investigate? Regards related shit. Please see a psychiatrist. chode to grow considerably. For emo- and is particularly brought by works of tional support please see the facebook great beauty. Pawla Eukanuba Dear Aunty McPickle, Aunty McPickle xxx group Chode Aid. Maybe you should just sit down somewhere distinctly un-pictorial, I am uncontrollable turned on by Aunty McPickle xxx maybe bring some scientific evidence to Hi Pawla, calculator, exams are a nightmare. help them with the swallowing. I have resorted to suppressing my I definitely recommend staying away Thanks for writing in, sounds like you’re randy calculations with images of Dear Aunty McPickle, from art galleries and Florence but you like your pooch has bitten off more than abacuses. can pretty much feel safe in the grounds he can chew. I have already been caught once I have been seeing a new guy and Dear Aunty McPickle, of Imperial. It might be advisable to persuade your in WH Smith, when I discovered the things have been going pretty well. Good luck! mutt to stick to it’s own kind, maybe set latest Casio model casually sprawled He’s got curly locks, a cheeky grin My flat mate has recently joined the up play dates down at the local park? seductively but yet with such sophis- and an accent to match. Things have Leonardo society and consequently Aunty McPickle xxx Get LOST, RAG stylee

inally, after a long, long sum- teams will be groups of either two or Superman costume for mer of waiting, RAG is once three, with at least one guy in each £100! There will be 3 F again running some wicked team (just for safety reasons). All this prizes which will be giv- events to raise money. is happening on Saturday, 28th No- ing out for most money Our first one, for the handful of you vember, however we will be signing raised, wackiest costume which still haven’t heard about it, is people up as of next week (19th-23rd and craziest mode of LOST. Here’s a quick rundown: October) at the JCR (Junior Common transportation. Room) at 1pm. To find out more, make 1. Get onto a bus, blindfolded. But how do we raise money, I hear sure you drop by the JCR, 2. Get driven to a mystery location. you ask. Easy. Through funding! You and if you feel like get- 3. Make your way back to the Union, harass your family, friends, and neigh- ting LOST for our cho- without spending ANY money. bours etc. to donate. To make things sen charity Barnardos is more interesting, why not set goals something you’d be up for, There’s not much more to it! The like wearing a top hat for £50, or a swing by with your team. 46 felix FRIDAY 16 OCTOBER 2009 SPORT [email protected]

new events and your new social secretary. Are you plan- Twenty minutes with Robert Bush... ning any overseas tours this year, like some of the other sports clubs at Imperial? of felixSport interviews this year’s president of the Mustapher Botchway We are hoping to go on our first tour for four years. This Tennis Club and 1st team stalwart, last year’s team of the year. will be different because we will actually play matches I’m sure you know but to remind Give me a background on how because to get time on the South Park pletely this time. We aim to go the readers, the men’s 1sts were the tennis club work. For in- courts you have to pay around £10 an new to Croatia and play at team of the year. Could you give stance what days do the social hour. quality the famous Split club, us a brief overview of the last players train, likewise with the play- where Goran Ivanisevic year? competitive team? Is there any What are your other prospects for ers? and Mario Ancic play. interaction? the year? They have amazing clay Well as you said we were team of To fight for promotion into the pre- courts and we hope the year. It was the first time the club The competitive team train on Tues- mier league we need some more play- There to set up a mini Davis achieved an award like that. The first days. This year we have Phil Jakeman, ers. We lost a number of key players are one Cup where we will go and second teams are in same division fulltime Biochemistry student, part last year. We really need to recruit. So or two to croatia one year and (BUCS 2A South Eastern Region) and time RTP qualified coach. This is the for those of you that played a lot before in the they will come to us the we did the double on them, winning 9-1 same qualification Toni Nadal, Rafael’s university but opted for a change and sec- next to play at Queen’s. & 8-2. This year we’re in first division, coach. Our home matches take place played a different sport at Imperial like onds who after going unbeaten and winning both on Wednesday in Hyde Park. And football or rugby, and are in the sen- I think can Taking a wider look at the league and cup. We hope to push Sundays we train at the Queen’s Club. ior years, come and trial with us! Drop make the tran- tennis, where do you see for promotion into premier league. They have fantastic facilities. me a mail at [email protected]. sition into the yourselves fitting in the The seconds hope to gain promotion Then you can come to Queen’s to trial. firsts. Over- whole ACC, union and into 1st division this year. The women, The social team have an extra train- Standard wise, the first team has a host all they are at Sport Imperial. What is your have been in BUCS 1A division, for a ing session on Wednesday (1 - 4). They of county level players though in the a very good opinion of these bodies? while, pushing for promotion. Hope- also train on Sundays (10 - 2). A new past we have had some international standard. The fully this year they will succeed. introduction to these sessions is that standard players. only difference is Comparing to London Met- we have coaching for the social play- in the mental as- ropolitan and other universities Is there anything the club wants ers. Members of the competitive team For the social side of the club we now pect of the game. it is evident that we don’t get as much to improve on last year and can will be on hand to coach our social have an events officer, Pierre Monty. Saying that we attention as the big sports like football you incorporate that into what players. To increase the value for these He has cocktail evenings, casino nights do need some and rugby. If we had a little bit more you aim to achieve this year? players we have provided brand new and entry to private members clubs new blood for money for coaching etc., we could have rackets and balls if a player doesn’t all lined up this year. He is also going the firsts. The la- developed a bit more. Also, on a media We didn’t get much recognition into haven any and we have introduced an to try to get tickets for the BlackRock dies will definitely point of view, there is not much atten- felix. That’s our fault. We want to get online booking system for the courts. Masters at the Royal Albert Hall. need some new tion given to the fact that we play in more articles into the felixSport pages This is at South Park, which has brand players. fantastic facilities like Queen’s. Though this year. The problem is that the team new, resurfaced courts. It’s about 20 I know you’re always looking for recently after speaking with Samantha is very divided from the social. We minutes from the South Kensington new players. However, spe- Bell, the new Sports Development Of- want to get more interaction and pro- campus. If you’re a social member you cifically for the first team are you You men- ficer at Sport Imperial she seems en- duce more value for the social players pay £29 and competitive team mem- looking to make your 2nd players tioned about thusiastic of the club’s plans this year, bers pay £35 per year. Its great value step up or are you pursuing com- which is encouraging.

FIXTURES & RESULTS in association with Sports Partnership

Wednesday 14th October Women’s 1st 4 Table Tennis Wednesday 21st October Women’s 1st vs University of Portsmouth 1st Badminton St Mary’s University College Women’s 1st 0 Men’s 1st 4 Badminton Women’s 2nd vs Brunel University West London 3rd Men’s 1st 6 UCL Men’s 1st 6 Men’s 2nd vs Kingston University 1st King’s College Men’s 1st 2 Women’s 2nd 2 Women’s 1st vs UCL 1st Lacrosse Royal Holloway Women’s 2nd 7 Tennis Men’s 1st vs University of Portsmouth 1st Men’s 1st vs University of Essex Mens 1st Men’s 2nd 1 Men’s 1st 4 Women’s 1st vs University of Kent 1st University of Surrey Men’s 1st 7 Lacrosse UCL Men’s 1st 6 Basketball Women’s 1st 11 Men’s 1st vs University of Westminster 1st Netball Women’s 1st 4 Brighton Women’s 1st 4 Men’s 2nd 7 Women’s 1st vs Queen Mary 1st University of Kent Women’s 1st 4 SOAS Men’s 1st 3 Fencing Women’s 2nd vs Buckinghamshire New Uni. 2nd Netball Women’s 2nd vs University of Portsmouth 1st Women’s 3rd vs University of Creative Arts 1st Fencing Women’s 1st 31 Women’s 1st 7 Men’s 3rd vs University of Essex 1st Men’s 2nd 135 Greenwich 1st 40 Brighton Women’s 1st 3 Men’s 1st vs UCL 1st Rugby UCL Men’s 2nd 106 Women’s 1st vs Queen Mary 1st Men’s 1st vs St Mary’s University College 2nd Women’s 2nd 33 Men’s 2nd vs University of Essex 1st Men’s 3rd 67 Thames Valley 1st 8 Saturday 17th October Football Men’s 4th vs School of Oriental & African Studies 1st University of Hertfordshire Men’s 1st 135 ULU Football Men’s 1st vs St Mary’s University College 3rd Women’s 3rd 5 IC Men’s 1st v IC Men’s 2nd Men’s 2nd vs Canterbury Christ Church Uni. 2nd Squash Football University of the Arts 2nd 34 Men’s 3rd v King’s College Medicals Men’s 2nd Men’s 3rd vs University of East London 1st Men’s 2nd vs University of Sussex 1st Men’s 1st 2 Men’s 4th v King’s College Medicals Men’s 3rd Women’s 1st vs Royal Holloway 1st Men’s 4th vs Brunel University West London 2nd Brunel Men’s 4th 2 Rugby Union Men’s 5th v St Barts Men’s 2nd ULU Men’s 3rd vs SOAS 1st Men’s 1st 41 Men’s 6th v Queen Mary Men’s 5th Men’s 4s ULU vs Royal Holloway 4s ULU Women’s 1st vs University of Reading 1st Men’s 2nd 1 Buckinghamshire Men’s 1st 0 Men’s 7th v Slavonic & East European Men’s 1st Men’s 5s ULU vs King’s College 4s ULU Hertfordshire Men’s 1st 3 Men’s 6s ULU vs King’s College London 5s ULU Table Tennis Men’s 2nd 10 Men’s 7s ULU vs Heythrop College 1s ULU Men’s 1st vs London School of Economics 1st Women’s 1st 1 St Barts & the Royal Men’s 1st 22 Sunday 18th October Surrey Women’s 1st 1 ULU Badminton Golf Tennis Squash Mixed Men’s 1st v Royal Holloway Mixed 1st Golf 1st vs University of Kent 1st Men’s 1st vs King’s College London 1st Hockey Men’s 4th 3 Men’s 2nd vs University of Greenwich Men’s 1st Men’s 1st 4 Royal Holloway Men’s 2nd 0 Hockey Women’s 1st vs University of Portsmouth Women’s 1st Brighton Men’s 1st 4 Monday 19th October Men’s 1st vs University of Kent 1st Women’s 1st 4 ULU Netball Men’s 2nd vs UCL 2nd Imperial College Men’s 2nd 2 Sussex Women’s 2nd 0 Women’s 2nd v UCL Women’s 4th Men’s 3rd vs Royal Veterinary College 1st Imperial Medicals Men’s 2nd 1 Men’s 4th vs University of Portsmouth 5th felix FRIDAY 16 OCTOBER 2009 47 [email protected] SPORT IC Represent Great Britain & Germany at Rowing World Championships

Adam Freeman-Pask has become the and receiving more hits than Freeman- 8th wonder of the world despite a suc- Pask articles had previously recorded. cessful sabotage attempt on his boat Freeman-Pask finished second in the the day before the opening heat of the first two opening rounds (07:13.14, LM1x. Club mate Ole Tietz (represent- 07:36.23), behind the Netherlands and ing Germany), raced in the lightweight Iraq respectively. Freeman-Pask was 8+ (LM8+) and now ranks 6th in the unable to make a top three position in world. In the lightweight pairs (LM2- the semifinal to qualify for the A final, ) IC student Oli Mahony claimed fifth but finished second in the B final. This position with pair’s partner Ross Hunt- takes his world ranking from last years er. Ex-IC rower Ro Bradbury also pro- 13th place to 8th. gressed to the finals finishing fifth in In the opening heat of the men’s the world. In the final medal standings lightweight 8+ Germany (Tietz) mir- GB and GER shared first position with rored Freeman-Pask’s opening round nine medals ahead of the USA who and took second place. With fewer took home 7. competitors than the single sculls After a very successful World Cup event this directly qualified the eight season for Freeman-Pask (who claimed into the A final. With tough competi- two bronze medals and a fourth place tion the Germans struggled to get into position), there was great expectation medal contention and finished 6th in for the World Championships. Howev- 05:43.40; ten seconds behind the Ital- er on the morning of August 23rd (less ian winners. than 24 hours before his first race), Despite the GB-GER tensions be- Freeman-Pask was witness to a Ger- tween Freeman-Pask and Tietz, both man squad boatman “accidentally” cy- countries ended up top of the medals cling through his boat; which was rest- table allowing ill feelings between the ing bows on the ground. The bow was IC lightweights to dissipate. [Note: taken clean off. The boat was sent to Since publication of this article POD emergency intensive care, placed on an has been made aware of the fact that al- IV drip and repaired, but was a source though equal on medal count Germa- of worry for the lightweight sculler. ny took the FISA team trophy AHEAD The German saboteur is now on the of Great Britain. The source of this in- run after making outrageous claims formation must remain anonymous for about GB Coach Steve Trapmore try- legal reasons, suffice to say dissipation ing to de-rig the GER heavyweight of ill feelings may have been a prema- men’s 8+ the night before the final, in ture statement.] which they later won. Imperial boasted two representa- record. An injured POD had spotted out of view of other testers who may the 1000 metre course in 3:25.33; over German press has suggested coach- tives on the GB coaching team: Steve this talent earlier in the year during her be distracted. Word quickly spread and three seconds ahead of second placed es were unwilling to take a chance on Trapmore and Stuart Whitelaw. Both arms & body 2 km test when Whitel- when the original LTAMix4+ coach Italy. They posted a new world record Freeman-Pask becoming a distraction did a great job with their clients with aw’s keen eye for detail allowed her to fell ill, Whitelaw was called into action. making this the second world record for IC’s Ole Tietz before the race; it special mention to Stuart Whitelaw post a PB. More critically he was one The crew (Vicki Hansford/James Whitelaw has been involved in this is thought Tietz was consumed with who coached the mixed adaptive coxed of the few to not laugh (in her face) as Roe/Dave Smith/Naomi Riches/Rhi- year. Well done Stuart and congratula- making headlines on the club website four to gold and clocked a new world she was sent to the corner with her erg annon Jones) claimed victory over tions to all athletes!

Crossword No. 1,440 Answers to: [email protected]

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7 8

9 Sorry to disappoint you.... 10 11 We still don’t have anymore crosswords. Our brains have shut down, and we’re going emo. 12 13

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15 16 17 18 We’re on the look out for another crossword compiler 19 (not emo). Want to challenge people? Think you’re 20 21 22 23 capable of putting together a cryptic crossword? 24

25 26 Email us at [email protected] whilst the rest

27 28 of us at felix get back to tending our side fringes..... 16

Send in your sport reports: . 10 [email protected] . felixSport High resolution photos only 09 Women win again

Robert Bush Women’s Tennis Gigi’s win was soon to follow as she was already one set up when I was still struggling in the middle of my first set. This Wednesday was the official start I had already play my opponent last of the season and lucky as we always year and the first set was fairly tight, are, we had to go all the way to bright- and after failing to win my set point I on to play our first match with our lost the set( I know…..). My opponent brand new squad. Needless to say that Julie got a good start on the second, this took us most of our day and was guess I was still annoyed to lose the quite a mission (especially for some of first set, but after she was up 2-0 I de- us, will not name names….(Tanya our cided that it was enough and went on former captain). to win 6 straight games and once the So off we were the three of us (new- second set. The match was then de- comers Gigi and Siree, and me) (Tan cided by a championship tiebreak that was gonna join us later)) to start our I won 10-3. So here we were, already match at 1. brighton is quite a strong garenteed a victory! team and they actually managed to Now let’s come to the funny bit! Tan- beat us last year. But with the scary ya was supposed to arrive around 2, so situation that we faced last year (nearly let me explain to you why she turned being relegated! when we use to win up at the courts at 3ish. See, when you our leagues every year), we knew we get out at flamer’s station (from which had to win this one and get a good you can actually see the huge white im- start against one of our most serious possible to miss tennis club) you can contenders. leave the station from two sides. Tanya We all got started with our matches took a chance and picked the wrong pretty fast. Looking at Siree and Gigi’s one. This resulted in my phone ringing match from the court where I was during most of my match. playing, I could see that they were hav- But she managed and finally got ing good rallies but that our girls were here, all red obviously (probably a mix winning most of the points. Indeed, Si- of exhaustion and shame (please let me ree finished pretty quickly which is not tell you that this is soooo not like Tan- surprising since when we arrived at the ya to be a mess). And there she started courts the captain from the other team but sadly was up against a really , really explaining to Siree’s opponent how to , really good player that had no mercy count scores in tennis! So here we are for her, which resulted in tanya losing . with already one win by our new medic Next week we are playing Port- fresher. smouth at South Park. Imperial College Gaelic Football off to a strong start after an impressive maiden year

Andrew Lavery Gaelic Football played IC played against a much fa- with the best of intentions but their 7 to take on the old hands of the game. third match creating several threaten- voured St Mary’s tea. It is worth point- newness to the game was evident and In possibly our best performance of ing attacks on his first day playing the ing out that Mary’s usually compete IC’s relative experience came to the the day we took the game to RT and game. Strong performances by Michael Last weekend, the lads of IC Men’s two divisions above IC in the top flight fore with us comfortably dictating the like the first match of the day, IC went McGarvey and Sean Dunne in goals Gaelic Football team assembled and of the British Gaelic Football Cham- pace and possession of the match from ahead before conceding some goals helped the team out greatly. took the trip west to St. Mary’s to rep- pionships. Mary’s were made to work the midfield taking some fine scoring which would ultimately decide the out- And of course team ‘bomber’ Ste- resent and hopefully regulate a tourna- hard against an energetic performance opportunities along the way. come of the match. vie G who actually managed to score a ment in the curtain raiser to this year’s of IC who had no care for their op- IC having entered two teams then At the day’s end IC finished in 3rd goal in the course of the day. Well done campaign. ponent’s reputation and brought the were due to play each other. With a and 4th place in the tournament ahead Gallagher. With a well attended first training game to them in a spirited fashion. changing of teams into IC Blues and IC of Brighton while RT went on to win. Imperial College team: P Comerford, session behind us, IC were comfort- Opening exchanges were tit-for-tat, Whites the game was a exhibition af- Against some fine opposition the boys S Dunne, J Gill, C Farrell, S Gallagher, ably able to field two teams playing 7’s IC even going ahead at one stage before fair with team members trying to em- did the blue and white proud and if the D Kirk, V Mccaughan, E O’Hare, A football as opposed to the usual 15 a Mary’s showed their class and ran away barrass each other and generally make weekend performance is anything to Lavery, J Mc Donnell, M White, M Mc- side. with the match in the second half with a name for themselves. go by IC will be flying high once again Garvey, F McCann The format for the day was to be a a brace of goals. Our final match of the day was this year at National Championships in For anyone interested in joining con- blitz against hosts St Mary’s, Brighton Our next match was against a new against a very strong team from Round February. tact Edward on [email protected]. University and a local entrance from opposition in the form of Brighton Towers - a Senior London team. Special mention to Padhraic Com- Training for Men’s and Women’s teams Round Towers GFC. University. The two teams IC fielded were auda- erford who easily walked away with continues on Wednesdays in Hyde In the first of four matches to be The beach boys made the journey up ciously shuffled so we lined out our top most improved player of the day, by the Park.