The Bates Spudent - [Volume 127 Number 20] - May 25, 1998

Bates College SCARAB The Bates Student Archives and Special Collections 5-25-1998 The Bates Spudent - [volume 127 number 20] - May 25, 1998 Bates College Follow this and additional works at: https://scarab.bates.edu/bates_student Recommended Citation Bates College, "The Bates Spudent - [volume 127 number 20] - May 25, 1998" (1998). The Bates Student. 2631. https://scarab.bates.edu/bates_student/2631 This Newspaper is brought to you for free and open access by the Archives and Special Collections at SCARAB. It has been accepted for inclusion in The Bates Student by an authorized administrator of SCARAB. For more information, please contact [email protected]. "Disco Don" Hardwood to Invoke White-Skin Privilege in Case; Pierce House Reaction Violent All Massachusetts, Connecticut counties now represented Grumble to Give Rat's Ass to Bates 2 NEWS » The Bates Spudent • May 25,1998 NEWS-ISH Mays Center Branham returns to Mork Jewel, Comedian Al Gore grants Tommy Chong Sign home planet EPA “Superfund” denied tenure Three-Movie Deal Dean of Students Fernando C. Branham is In a surprise move that shocked students on leave for the month enjoying a siest on Universal Pictures announced Tuesday that status to Lake and faculty alike, the Faculty Committee on her home planet of Gerular in the Androm¬ noted Bates rugby player Mork Jewel ’99 and eda galaxy, announced President Harpy yes¬ Personnel denied tenure to the Benjamin E. legendary comedian Tommy Chong have terday. Branham, known on her home planet Mays Center, President Harvard announced signed a three-movie deal worth in excess as Bezlar-Bok 377W, is reportedly visiting Andrews today. The award-winning building, affec¬ of $ 100 million. Industry executives say the long-lost relatives, celebrating a major tionately known among students as “The new “Chooch ‘n’ Chong” movies, which will religous feast on the Gerlari calendar and (We’re talking about the Puddle) Silo,” failed to pass its sixth-year review, feature copious amounts of drinking in ad¬ “trying to get away from that damn Com¬ dition to Chong’s legendary marijuana- despite having been though a sure pick for As part of the Clinton administration's new mons smell.” Husband Bob was on a busi¬ based humor, are sure to be a hit among tenure among this year’s round of candi¬ round of environmental initiatives, Al Gore ness trip to the planet Vulcan and could not rugby players, frat brothers, and stoners too dates. The Mays Center now has one year of came to Bates this week to announce that be reached for comment. stupid to tell the difference nationwide. service left at Bates before it must seek em¬ the Environmental Protection Agency would ployment elsewhere; arrangements for mov¬ confer high-priority “Superfund” status to ing the massive brick and concrete structure the cleanup of Lake Andrews. To avoid nox¬ to another college are now underway. The ious, corrosive Puddle vapors, Gore spoke other three buildings in the Residential Vil¬ in a yellow hazardous materials suit, includ¬ lage received tenure. Meanwhile, the Olin ing a full face mask and respirator. No one Arts Center was promoted to full professor. remembers much of what he said, since most reporters and spectators had drifted off to sleep two minutes into his speech. The move came in the face of stiff opposition from con¬ Football team gressional Republicans, who wanted to study the mutant goldfish and noxious microbes contained in the Puddle for possible use as recognizes agents of biological warfare. Discordians’ Harward, right to exist Harwood settle In a breakthrough for campus relations, the Bates Bobcat football team signed a land¬ name dispute mark peace accord with members of the Bates Discordians, recognizing the right of the latter group to exist. “Dude, those kids in court are a fuckin’ freak show,” said lineman Crisp Kuppens ’99, “but if they wanna play with President Don Harward and Associate Pro¬ their stupid little magic beans or whatever fessor of ARt Ned Harwood have settled where they’re not bothering us, that’s fine their name dispute out of court, their law¬ with me.” Kuppens later added, “YEAH yers said Monday. The settlement comes as BATES!” As the Discordians and athletes part of a lengthy effort by both sides to clear celebrated with a Magic the Gathering tour¬ jd up confusiop surrounding their respective nament and keg party in the Adams base¬ names. The Bates president will henceforth ment, negotiators in the long and acrimoni¬ be known as “Dead Hardwood,” a compro¬ ous Big Room-Small Room peace talks re¬ mise reache by merging the two parties’ turned to the table, seeking compromise on original names. The art history professor, the issue of which room gets the stir-fry table meanwhile, will now be known as “Mark and which gets the pasta bar. Wahlberg.” The president paid an undis¬ the news in briefs closed amount of money, reported at $500,000 in L.L. Bean stock and outrageous parking permits, for rights to the professor’s Coach Ned former name. Sources say the artist formerly Broody, Limely Campaign known as Ned plans to spend the sum by Flanders welcpmes Crips Pay Recruit¬ turning Garcelon Field (where the Bobcats for Joint Degrees try to play football) into a huge English land¬ scape garden. Bothe “Woody” and Marky dehate recruiting On the heels of their unsuccessful bid to ing Visit to OCS Mark declined comment on the matter. merge their separate campaigns into a joint candidacy for the senior class presidency, ciass As part of an effort to improve the quality of seniors Jennings Broody and Jay Limely are CHC releases their nationwide workforce, the Crips, a na- now lobbying the Trustees to have their re¬ tionally-renowned, LA-based street gang With a hearty “Howdy-do, neighbor!” spective degrees combined into a single di¬ with branches nationwide, visited the OCS Brooks Quimby debate coach Ned Flanders ploma. “Nowhere in the course catalog does on Monday in an effort to recruit graduat¬ 98-99 concert welcomed a group of fifteen debate team it say that multiple people can’t share in a ing seniors. “A good liberal-arts education, recruits to the Bates campus Friday. The re¬ single Bates degree,” said Limely. Added like that offered at Bates, produces gradu¬ cruits, drawn from among the top high- Broody, “Isn’t it time we seniors started ates that have qualities we look for in a re¬ lineup school debaters from around the country, making our own choices?” President Don cruit — like the ability to blindly follow a were flown first-class to Lewiston, greeted Hayward, when questioned on the matter, leader, any leader,” said Larry ‘Little Fish.’ by Flanders, then after enjoying a tour of the did not comment verbally, but left the room Complying with student concerns about the Pemell, O.G. in charge of recruiting for the Pettigrew trophy case and a meeting of the laughing hysterically, reportedly wetting his lack of hegemony in the college’s music Northeast Region.. Brooks Quimby Debate Council, were ac¬ pants. scene, CHC has released their 98-99 con¬ companied by Flanders for an evening of cert lineup. The first three bands booked are wholesome, “Spectafferiffic!” family fun at Guster, Guster and the Nields. “We know, the local bowling alley. The recruiting visit, the Nields were a real risk — especially at funded by President Ned Harwood’s secret Bates. But sometimes, you just have to take six-figure debate slush fund comes as part Unidentified Spudent staffer: a chance,” said the Music Director of the of an effort to return a number-one world organization. In addition to the concerts, ranking to the elite Brooks Quimby debate CHC has decided to step-up their attempts team, an organization about which only Whoah! That’s too big! to brown-nose Assistant Dean of Students 0.6% of Batesies give a rat’s ass. Peter Trailer and have announced that all parties, including Halloween, will now be substance free. News • The Bates Soudent • May 25.1998 3 FBI joins manhunt for Masturbator By DAVIS CLEAVER us off,” said Scary Cox, special assistant to Crime Sleuth Peckley. The Bates Student learned late last A team of federal investigators arrived night that the Secret Service will be present this week to join Bates Security and the for graduation on Monday. The Secret Ser¬ LAPD in their three-year manhunt for the vice is concerned the Masturbator may ex¬ Masturbator. In addition to gathering DNA pose himself at graduation during the ad¬ evidence from the government documents dress of Doris Kearns Goodwin, who gradu¬ section of the library, which the masturba¬ ated from Colby College. Goodwin, a presi¬ tor frequented quite often in 1995, the FBI dential biographer, is currently working on plans to monitor Mount David and the pri¬ her expose of President Clinton, entitled vate listening rooms located in the Audio “Clintemgate: Oval Sex and ‘Executive Privi¬ section of the library. lege. ‘ “ “We haven’t Professional caught anything on protestors from our surveillance of Surprisingly, the Bates are planning Audio,” said Special a 1:00 a.m. dem¬ Agent Fox Skelly. Masturbator was wanking onstration in front “Everything we have of President on videotape has near“Hardbounds” and Harward’s to de¬ been consensual sex nounce the of a multi-person na¬ “Oversized Books,” not college’s failure to ture.” “Gov. Docs.” capture the mas¬ In response to turbator. the arrival of the FBI, Students the Bates Spudent seem surprised launched its own investigation this week, that the masturbator maybe a Colby student. vowing to catch the Masturbator in the act. Most Batesies who The Bates Spudent inter¬ Late last night in the library, Spudent inves¬ viewed pointed the finger at one student in tigators caught the Masturbator doing his particular.

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