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5-25-1998

The Bates Spudent - [volume 127 number 20] - May 25, 1998

Bates College

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This Newspaper is brought to you for free and open access by the Archives and Special Collections at SCARAB. It has been accepted for inclusion in The Bates Student by an authorized administrator of SCARAB. For more information, please contact [email protected]. "Disco Don" Hardwood to Invoke White-Skin Privilege in Case; Pierce House Reaction Violent

All Massachusetts, Connecticut counties now represented Grumble to Give Rat's Ass to Bates 2 NEWS » The Bates Spudent • May 25,1998 NEWS-ISH Mays Center Branham returns to Mork Jewel, Comedian Al Gore grants Tommy Chong Sign home planet EPA “Superfund” denied tenure Three-Movie Deal Dean of Students Fernando C. Branham is In a surprise move that shocked students on leave for the month enjoying a siest on Universal Pictures announced Tuesday that status to Lake and faculty alike, the Faculty Committee on her home planet of Gerular in the Androm¬ noted Bates rugby player Mork Jewel ’99 and eda galaxy, announced President Harpy yes¬ Personnel denied tenure to the Benjamin E. legendary comedian Tommy Chong have terday. Branham, known on her home planet Mays Center, President Harvard announced signed a three-movie deal worth in excess as Bezlar-Bok 377W, is reportedly visiting Andrews today. The award-winning building, affec¬ of $ 100 million. Industry executives say the long-lost relatives, celebrating a major tionately known among students as “The new “Chooch ‘n’ Chong” movies, which will religous feast on the Gerlari calendar and (We’re talking about the Puddle) Silo,” failed to pass its sixth-year review, feature copious amounts of drinking in ad¬ “trying to get away from that damn Com¬ dition to Chong’s legendary marijuana- despite having been though a sure pick for As part of the Clinton administration's new mons smell.” Husband Bob was on a busi¬ based humor, are sure to be a hit among tenure among this year’s round of candi¬ round of environmental initiatives, Al Gore ness trip to the planet Vulcan and could not rugby players, frat brothers, and stoners too dates. The Mays Center now has one year of came to Bates this week to announce that be reached for comment. stupid to tell the difference nationwide. service left at Bates before it must seek em¬ the Environmental Protection Agency would ployment elsewhere; arrangements for mov¬ confer high-priority “Superfund” status to ing the massive brick and concrete structure the cleanup of Lake Andrews. To avoid nox¬ to another college are now underway. The ious, corrosive Puddle vapors, Gore spoke other three buildings in the Residential Vil¬ in a yellow hazardous materials suit, includ¬ lage received tenure. Meanwhile, the Olin ing a full face mask and respirator. No one Arts Center was promoted to full professor. remembers much of what he said, since most reporters and spectators had drifted off to sleep two minutes into his speech. The move came in the face of stiff opposition from con¬ Football team gressional Republicans, who wanted to study the mutant goldfish and noxious microbes contained in the Puddle for possible use as recognizes agents of biological warfare. Discordians’ Harward, right to exist Harwood settle In a breakthrough for campus relations, the Bates Bobcat football team signed a land¬ name dispute mark peace accord with members of the Bates Discordians, recognizing the right of the latter group to exist. “Dude, those kids in court are a fuckin’ freak show,” said lineman Crisp Kuppens ’99, “but if they wanna play with President Don Harward and Associate Pro¬ their stupid little magic beans or whatever fessor of ARt Ned Harwood have settled where they’re not bothering us, that’s fine their name dispute out of court, their law¬ with me.” Kuppens later added, “YEAH yers said Monday. The settlement comes as BATES!” As the Discordians and athletes part of a lengthy effort by both sides to clear celebrated with a Magic the Gathering tour¬ jd up confusiop surrounding their respective nament and keg party in the Adams base¬ names. The Bates president will henceforth ment, negotiators in the long and acrimoni¬ be known as “Dead Hardwood,” a compro¬ ous Big Room-Small Room peace talks re¬ mise reache by merging the two parties’ turned to the table, seeking compromise on original names. The art history professor, the issue of which room gets the stir-fry table meanwhile, will now be known as “Mark and which gets the pasta bar. Wahlberg.” The president paid an undis¬ the news in briefs closed amount of money, reported at $500,000 in L.L. Bean stock and outrageous parking permits, for rights to the professor’s Coach Ned former name. Sources say the artist formerly Broody, Limely Campaign known as Ned plans to spend the sum by Flanders welcpmes Crips Pay Recruit¬ turning Garcelon Field (where the Bobcats for Joint Degrees try to play football) into a huge English land¬ scape garden. Bothe “Woody” and Marky dehate recruiting On the heels of their unsuccessful bid to ing Visit to OCS Mark declined comment on the matter. merge their separate campaigns into a joint candidacy for the senior class presidency, ciass As part of an effort to improve the quality of seniors Jennings Broody and Jay Limely are CHC releases their nationwide workforce, the Crips, a na- now lobbying the Trustees to have their re¬ tionally-renowned, LA-based street gang With a hearty “Howdy-do, neighbor!” spective degrees combined into a single di¬ with branches nationwide, visited the OCS Brooks Quimby debate coach Ned Flanders ploma. “Nowhere in the course catalog does on Monday in an effort to recruit graduat¬ 98-99 concert welcomed a group of fifteen debate team it say that multiple people can’t share in a ing seniors. “A good liberal-arts education, recruits to the Bates campus Friday. The re¬ single Bates degree,” said Limely. Added like that offered at Bates, produces gradu¬ cruits, drawn from among the top high- Broody, “Isn’t it time we seniors started ates that have qualities we look for in a re¬ lineup school debaters from around the country, making our own choices?” President Don cruit — like the ability to blindly follow a were flown first-class to Lewiston, greeted Hayward, when questioned on the matter, leader, any leader,” said Larry ‘Little Fish.’ by Flanders, then after enjoying a tour of the did not comment verbally, but left the room Complying with student concerns about the Pemell, O.G. in charge of recruiting for the Pettigrew trophy case and a meeting of the laughing hysterically, reportedly wetting his lack of hegemony in the college’s music Northeast Region.. Brooks Quimby Debate Council, were ac¬ pants. scene, CHC has released their 98-99 con¬ companied by Flanders for an evening of cert lineup. The first three bands booked are wholesome, “Spectafferiffic!” family fun at Guster, Guster and the Nields. “We know, the local bowling alley. The recruiting visit, the Nields were a real risk — especially at funded by President Ned Harwood’s secret Bates. But sometimes, you just have to take six-figure debate slush fund comes as part Unidentified Spudent staffer: a chance,” said the Music Director of the of an effort to return a number-one world organization. In addition to the concerts, ranking to the elite Brooks Quimby debate CHC has decided to step-up their attempts team, an organization about which only Whoah! That’s too big! to brown-nose Assistant Dean of Students 0.6% of Batesies give a rat’s ass. Peter Trailer and have announced that all parties, including Halloween, will now be substance free. News • The Bates Soudent • May 25.1998 3 FBI joins manhunt for Masturbator

By DAVIS CLEAVER us off,” said Scary Cox, special assistant to Crime Sleuth Peckley. The Bates Student learned late last A team of federal investigators arrived night that the Secret Service will be present this week to join Bates Security and the for graduation on Monday. The Secret Ser¬ LAPD in their three-year manhunt for the vice is concerned the Masturbator may ex¬ Masturbator. In addition to gathering DNA pose himself at graduation during the ad¬ evidence from the government documents dress of Doris Kearns Goodwin, who gradu¬ section of the library, which the masturba¬ ated from Colby College. Goodwin, a presi¬ tor frequented quite often in 1995, the FBI dential biographer, is currently working on plans to monitor Mount David and the pri¬ her expose of President Clinton, entitled vate listening rooms located in the Audio “Clintemgate: Oval Sex and ‘Executive Privi¬ section of the library. lege. ‘ “ “We haven’t Professional caught anything on protestors from our surveillance of Surprisingly, the Bates are planning Audio,” said Special a 1:00 a.m. dem¬ Agent Fox Skelly. Masturbator was wanking onstration in front “Everything we have of President on videotape has near“Hardbounds” and Harward’s to de¬ been consensual sex nounce the of a multi-person na¬ “Oversized Books,” not college’s failure to ture.” “Gov. Docs.” capture the mas¬ In response to turbator. the arrival of the FBI, Students the Bates Spudent seem surprised launched its own investigation this week, that the masturbator maybe a Colby student. vowing to catch the Masturbator in the act. Most Batesies who The Bates Spudent inter¬ Late last night in the library, Spudent inves¬ viewed pointed the finger at one student in tigators caught the Masturbator doing his particular. thang. “I could have sworn it was that guy Surprisingly enough, the Masturbator Lavid Deeber,” said Corvette Ferrari, who is was not in the government documents sec¬ a co-coordinator of the Bates Democrats tion, but in the “Hardbounds” and “Over¬ with Deeber. “He’s been an embarrassment sized Books” section of the library. The to my organization the whole year. I think Spudent managed to get a picture, which was he sleeps in the government documents sec¬ promptly subpoenaed by FBI investigators, tion.” but Spudent investigators got messy when “I’m elated that I’ve finally been vin¬ they attempted to apprehend the masturba¬ dicated,” said Deeber. “I hope the pending tor. SCC hearing against me will finally be “I was blinded. I couldn’t see anything. dropped. I want to masturbate in peace- It was pretty powerful,” said Rod Peckley, please people, this is a male rite of passage.” who is heading up the Spudent investigation. The Library is planning extensive “I think he may have been a Colby Stu¬ renovations in the government documents dent, but perhaps he wore that shirt to throw section of the Library this summer. Hardwood invokes White Skin Privilege Students storm prez’s house at 1 a.m. in protest, Pierce House reaction violent By MOANIKA LEWCLINSKI tigation said that Hardwood feels that 1:00 a.m. protest in front of the President’s ment as Independent Counsel. Hardwood Staff Writer Barney’s allegations constitute a challenge house to demonstrate against the oppression videotaped Sharke with his pants down in to white skin privilege which “98 percent of of Ferris Wheel operators in Nebraska. the government documents section earlier Seeking to avoid scrutiny that could Bates students enjoy anyway,” according to Meanwhile Barney has absconded to this year, and claimed that the Masturbator potentially cripple his capacity to govern, Hardwood. the Ramada Inn in Lewiston, where his law¬ conundrum had been solved. Hardwood sold Bates College President Fondle Hardwood Hardwood clarified his position in an yer, Lonnie Kelinochran, has sequestered the tape to the Film Board, which was forced is invoking white skin privilege, which could affidavit submitted to Androscoggin Supe¬ him to preclude morally questionable inquir¬ to run hourly viewings to keep up with stu¬ delay the investigation into allegations of rior court and obtained by The Bates Stu¬ ies by confused reporters from the Lewiston dent demand. lewd sexual behavior leveled by Barney the dent. Sun-Journal. “Now who’s The Man,” said Sharke. “ Bobcat, the school’s mascot. “Dammit, I’m Whitey. Do you know The Representative Assembly’s re¬ I just hope this teaches Hardwood not to f*ck Barney alleges that Hardwood ex¬ who I am? I am The Man. You would think sponse has been swift and meaningless. Fail¬ with the RA.” > posed himself and then asked Barney to per¬ that these rabble rousers could defer to the ing to obtain a quorum of representatives, form a lewd sexual act. Lawyers for Hard¬ majesty of my white skin. Any allegations former RA President Klingon Sharke ap¬ wood, however, claim that Barney’s affida¬ that threaten the status quo, hegemony, and pointed himself Independent Counsel, and vit, obtained by The Bates Student from all that other crap Bates students bitch about declared martial law in Lewiston. Androscoggin Superior Court, is not entirely are hereby dismissed,” said Hardwood. “Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah, nah clear on these points. Rumors have also surfaced this week nah nah nah nah- Gittin jiggy wid’ it,” said “Meow, heh heh, purr, hehhhhh, that Hardwood may have actually been op¬ Sharke. “Don’t call it a comeback. It’s been meow,” said Barney in his affidavit. erating a Ferris Wheel in Nebraska during going on for years. I’m going to knock Hard¬ The doctrine of white skin privilege the time he claims he was studying for his wood out. Mama say knock Hardwood out.” has rarely, if ever, been invoked by a sitting Ph.D. in Philosophy at American University. Sharke shunned any notion that there Bates President. Sources close to the inves¬ Student activists have scheduled a was conflict of interest with his self-appoint¬

F*ck this, I’m out of here. 4 HEWS ♦ The Bates Spudent • May 25,1998 E-Room to rent bongs to students

By MARY WANNAH The E-Room has not decided on the Staff Stoner price for renting bongs, hut sources within the Outing Club assured The Bates Spudent In a move likely to cause angst among that prices would be competitive. administrators, the E-room has announced In a move to forge solidarity among plans to rent bongs to students beginning different groups on campus, the New World next year. Coalition announced plans this week to sell “The E-room, in conjunction with the marijuana “and other hallucinatory de¬ Outing Club, has always been on the fore¬ lights,” said New World Coalition leader front in terms of providing social opportu¬ Arthur Spamoulis. nities for Bates students. With the advent of The Outing Club and the New World the information age, we feel that renting Coalition are planning to seek cosponsorship bongs to students will enable us to compete funds for their endeavor. According to docu¬ in the marketplace. Hey, maybe we can’t of¬ ments obtained by The Bates Spudent, the fer pom, but after using one of our bongs, New World Coalition and Outing Club have we feel confident students can see porn... if requested $348,422 for next year, which they want to,” said E-Room guru Ted would probably be a mammoth increase in Constantinople. their budgets. “This is our way of affirming the earth. News of the New World Coalition- You see, and this is off the record, we’re go¬ Outing Club collaboration has literally ing to call it a medicinal marijuana clinic. spawned a drug war on campus. Chase Hall That way, we can claim that we’re just try¬ Committee, in an effort to increase its bud¬ ing to relive pain and stuff. Those bastards get, is promising drugs at all events. The in Maine Liquor Enforcement our too busy Bates Democrats are moderating their drug busting our balls for drinking watered down proposal by promising not to inhale. beer. They’ll never find out about our plan,” “No more fun of any kind,” was Dean said Constantinople, speaking on the con¬ Peter Trailer’s response. dition of anonymity and confidentiality. Closed door discussions Plans for Next Year’s Senior Week OCS Update lead to arrest Already Underway: Seniors: Still looking

By CABEZAdeVACA Trailer was accused of siphoning Ac¬ “We’re Gonna Party for a post-grad job? Staff Writer tivities monies to Gagger in exchange for Look who’s recruiting! backing off on the subject of salaried orga¬ Like It’s 1999" It was one of the few sunny days of nization officers. April and most of the campus was sunning The head of the Filin'Club called the Their Senior Week may still be a year away, The GAP itse^tm tbe-qt&d, botthe;doc>rto thelCSA LAPD after learning of this. - but don’t tell that to the junior class - already office,Center for SoCi&l Annihilation," was "Hey! Why should tiagger get paid? Arby’s plans are underway for what promises to be closed and the shades were drawn. Inside All he did was run a radio station. We’re sup¬ the Senior Week to end all Senior Weeks. 7-11 Assistant Dean of Students Peter Trailer and posed to be doing this because we love it,” Said RA treasurer, future class presidential former WRBC manager Keith “Gimme some said the president of the club, who receives candidate, and general administrative lackey Wal-Mart cold drink” Gagger were shaking hands over a grade 4 salary from the College for playing Matt Velveeta ’99, “We’re gonna party like what would soon be called a shady deal. a movie once a week. Citgo it’s 1999!” When asked about the enthusi¬ The two men, and a few unnamed oth¬ “I didn’t do anything wrong! I was just asm he and his classmates share for next Shop-n-Save ers, have been meeting off and on for the buying ... a cd ... that’s all!” cried Trailer as year’s extravaganza, Velveeta said, “I was majority of second semester and short term. he was led from Chase Hall. and dreamin’ when I thought this, so sue me if I While attempts were made to keepthe sub¬ Gagger broke down as he was led go too fast, but life is just a party, and par¬ Bates College ject of these discussions confidential, there away. ties were meant to last.” He also expressed have been mutterings and rumors of nego¬ “I’m flunking out, I have no social life, optimism about tonight’s Champagne Semi- tiations to salary student officers. I have nothing! And all because of WRBC,” formal, saying, ‘Yeah, they say two thousand DROPOFFYOUR As Trailer and Gagger attempted to he cried. zero zero party over, oops, out of time, so exit the office, they were stopped by the The SCC, Stupid Conduct Committee, RESUME TODAY! tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1999!” The L.A.P.D who arrested them on charges of will be deciding the fates of the involved par¬ artist formerly known as Prince declined money laundering, following up on a tip ties whenever they get around to it. comment. from the Bates Film Club.

Lewiston's own Records:

SRANOtAttXCONUI News » The Bates Spudent • May 25,1998 5

An Open Letter to Bates Students Tarbell Pool closed; Lake Largest-ever Pierce Andrews now hosts meets House party results in

In an effort to produce a swimming largest-ever bootfest We at L. L. Bean have been proud to serve as environment “more in harmony with na¬ ture,” Athletic Director Decaf Coffee an¬ Maintenance officials continued clothiers to the Bates community for over 80 nounced that all future swim meets will be cleanup efforts today in the wake of a trail years. Our store has been a favorite shopping conducted in Lake Andrews. Coaches specu¬ of gastrointestinal destruction wreaked by late that this change in venue will give Bates attendees of Pierce House’s annual “Grunt venue of generation after generation of Batesies. swimmers a much stronger advantage, since and Drink Natty Lite” party on Saturday. training while wearing the heavy hazardous- Shortly after the kegs ran dry in the Pierce The classic, preppy style of L. L. Bean shirts, waste body suit and respirator necessary to basement, partygoers, each of whom con¬ dresses, boots, outerwear, and fishing equipment survive prolonged contact with the murky sumed an average of 18 beers, swarmed their waters will build additional strength and way onto Chase Hall quad, leaving a mass of is part of the wardrobe of every sane, normal, stamina. However, two swimmers are miss¬ heer-induced vomit in their wake. Maine ing, and are presumed to have joined schools Liquor Enforcement officials declined com¬ upper-middle-class Bates student; indeed, an of the lake’s mutant goldfish. ment. item from L. L. Bean has been in the closet of every Bates student admitted since 1966.

Despite this long tradition of homogeneity, we realize that there are four or hve ol you on campus who still have yet to own one of our COLBY products. Over the next few weeks, we plan to meet with each of you deviants individually to discuss this situation, referring you for SUCKS psychological evaluation as necessary. I mean, how the f*ck can you go through Bates without wearing our clothes? Jeez!

As you are well aware, the faculty considered Ground transportation for the Spudent furnished by making ownership of one or more L. L. Bean “Big Daddy” Jon Schultz. products part of the new general education requirements - don’t jeopardize your Bates degree by failing to conform with the Bates cultural hegemony. Remember, popularity, good breath, an affable personality, and invulnerability to STD’s are all benefits of making L. L. Bean an integral part of your college wardrobe.

When in Lewiston, guests of the Spudent stay in the basement of Page - hey, who needs sunlight, anyway? L.L.Bean Conform.. or else! 6 News* The Bates Spudent • May 25,1998 Grumble releases SCC sentences student to flogging Public Eye: Too Hot For TV! video for violating ‘oral policy’ Video retailers are reporting record sales following the recent release of Public Eye: Too Hot For TV!, featuring TV jour¬ nalist and Bates alum Brian Grumble. By SOME GUY AT A COMPUTER overtime and hazardous duty pay for the late “This is horrible. ‘Oral policy’ is a foun¬ Grumble produced and narrates the video Supreme Prefect night clean-up. dation of this college. It is almost as strongly of outtakes from his CBS newsmagazine The next morning, the red-tape ball imbedded in our psyches as that of, umm, Public Eye, which consists mainly of violent The SCC, Stupid Conduct Committee, got rolling. eagle, ummm, something ism, ummm egali¬ altercations, profanity-laden tirades, and passed a landmark decision this past week According to the Student Handbook, tarianism. How anybody could actually do episodes of nudity involving guests on the when they sentenced J.P. Jones ’01 to pub¬ a charge of violating ‘oral policy’ is to be sent that, actually violate our ‘oral policy,’ I don’t program. lic flogging for publicly violating an un¬ know,” said Branham. Among the most notable scenes: a named ‘oral policy.’ Jonesspoke to The Spudent in an ex¬ melee in which a fuming Henry Kissinger Security Officer Paul the Menace an¬ clusive interview. hurled chairs and other furniture at the CBS swered the late night call from a student who “Why did I do it?I don’t know. Nobody “He’s out there! And, camera crew, prompting Grumble to re¬ had been crossing the Quad. ever told me I couldn’t. It’s not exactly writ¬ spond in kind by lofting an 80-pound cre- “He’s out there! And, ohmigod, he’s ohmigod, he’s doing it. I ten down anywhere. It’s not like I was hurt¬ denza in the former secretary of state’s di¬ doing it. I didn’t know it was possible! ing anyone. I blueslipped the area and was rection; an interview in which a scantily clad You’ve got to get over here,” cited the tran¬ didn’t know it was planning on cleaning it up afterword,” said Madeleine Albright smears chocolate syrup scription of the call. Jones. over her chest and dares a visibly uncom¬ When the Menace got to the Quad, he possible! You’ve got to As a result of violating this ‘oral fortable Rita Braver to lick the syrup off; a spotted Jones. policy,’ Jones was sentenced to a public flog¬ get over here.” hot-headed rant in which Ross Perot dis¬ “I can’t believe it. There he was, plain ging of 42 lashes. putes his 1996 election loss and challenges as day — or night as it were, just doing it. A lottery was held among faculty and his opponents to “settle it with a six-shooter, Just flaunting ‘oral policy.’ It was a very large Phone transcription administration to determine who would Texas-style;” and other violent episodes mess,” said the Menace. have the honor of administering the sen¬ from guests like Sarah Ferguson and Bill The Menace then called Dean tence. Professor of the Pontificating Science Gates. Fernando C. Branham to inform her of what Dougie Hodgkins won. The move comes as part of Grumble’s was occurring. She instructed the Menace to directly to the SCC, without passing go. This The flogging occured without incident, contract with CBS, under which he will pro¬ contact Maintenance and have them take case went to the head of the SCC queue, in front of Chase Hall, with the Bates EMS duce two additional videos: When Former care of the mess created by the ‘oral policy’ bumping down the case of Common’ spoon standing by and keeping count of the lashes immediatally. theft and the case against the sober rugby Morning TV Hosts Attack!, and a remake Maintenance was required to provide team. of exercise video classic Abs of Steel star¬ ring CBS anchor Dan Rather. More from the Draper’s gone, get rid of the ramps Grumble front: now With the campus’ most active supporter of accessibility he’s giving a rat’s ass!

In the category of holy sh*t, Bates graduating, admin, says ramps too costly alum Bryant Grumble announced this week that he will give a rat’s ass to Bates in re¬ By DAVE CLEAVER Class President Rob Blutarsky was mea¬ sponse to a solicitation from the Develop¬ A guy sured. ment office. “I’m just not entirely convinced that “I’m serious. I can’t think of a more With the graduation of wheelchair we ought to siphon our funds for accessibil¬ fitting gift for my alma mater,” said Grumble. user and accessibility crusader Shawn ity improvements into the legal defense fund The rat’s ass, selected personally by Draper ’98, Maintenance honcho Drew because I think that reasonable people be¬ Grumble, is currently on route in an Amtrak Perrymore announced plans to raze wooden lieve that accessibility is a more worthy cause train travelling from Harper’s Ferry, West entrance ramps on a half a dozen buildings than protecting white skin privilege ,” said Virginia. around campus and sell the wood to offset Hurtus (See Page Three for Related Article). “Grumble has always been an innova¬ rising tuition costs. The response from the Dean of tor, a pioneer in terms of gift-giving. We wel¬ “With the comprehensive fee eclips¬ Student’s office was less restrained. come the rat’s ass with open arms,” said new ing the $30,000 barrier, we have to cut costs “I’m gonna be the first one out there Vice-President for Development and Alumni everywhere we can,” said Bates treasurer chainsawing those damn ramps down. Affairs Victoria Devil. Peter Spackler. VROOOM VROOOM,” declared Dean Sewer Students have planned a 1:00 AM The high-quality lumber from these in a statement sent to student mailboxes on demonstration in front of President six ramps will fetch a good $150 on the Thursday. Harward’s home to protest the colonialist cordwood market, which is reportedly Student activists have scheduled a exploitation of rats’ asses. enough to pay President Hardwood’s salary 1:00 AM demonstration in front of President Since Grumbel’s announcement, for 14 minutes. Harward’s house to protest the dismantling thousands of rats’ asses have been sent to The $13,000 that the Senior Class has of the ramps. the Development office in . raised for accessibility improvements (their Draper, now trapped in Pettigrew for “We’ve had to hire two additional class gift) is being siphoned into Hardwood’s a third day since receiving his cap and gown, workers just to handle the influx of rats’ legal defense fund. The reaction from Senior could not be reached for comment. asses coming into this office,” said Devil.

tive of Miami Heat coach Phat Riley. Reilly still sports some scratch marks from the in¬ Still Looking for a Summer Bates B-ball stars head for NBA cident, but claims that he harbors no ill-feel¬ Job? ings for the Sophomore from Mount Let Bates help, By DAVE CLEAVER pressed interest in obtaining the services of Vernon, New Hampshire. A Very Prolific Writer Sergeant. “What confused me most about the Work here this summer. “I think he could be the next Jordan,” whole incident was that Lynch kept yelling You like Lewiston, don’t you? Despite a dismal 3-21 season, Senior said Mause. “We’re planning on giving Mike out ‘I’m gonna kill you PJ’ as he choked the Pimp Sergeant and Sophomore Messy Lynch his walking papers if Sarge is still around crap out of me,” said Reilly. “I just figured have declared their eligibility for the NBA when we pick.” said Mause. he had some issues he needed to work out. We are hiring for the draft. Attempting to exploit the situation, I think he’s getting help from the Health Sergeant stock has risen in recent days Dark Farmer, a Sergeant look-alike and ar¬ Center now.” due to solid play in pick-up games in Alumni guably the school’s best basketball player, Lynch declined to comment for this Gym. NBA scouts are now projecting him as declared his intention to enter the NBA draft story, but his lawyer, Lonnie Kleinochran, nannounced Network a lottery pick. Sergeant, a 6’5 lanky son-of- as well. issued a statement attempting to pin the a-bitch, distinguished himself on the Men’s If selected, Farmer will be the first guilt on Reilly. Varsity Team by being the only player not to resident of East Millinocket, Maine to ever “PJ, I mean Reilly brought this on talk sh*t during games. play in the NBA. himself. This ain’t Seton Hall, PJ. This is “I’m offended when teams don’t The fate of Lynch, however, seems the NBA, bitch. You’re going to get slapped double-team me, especially Maine Mari¬ uncertain as NBA scouts say that behavioral around some more if you don’t pull your time,” said Sergeant in a rare outburst. “I’m problems are deterring them from looking head out of your ass.” going to be better than Van Horn. I’m hop¬ at Lynch, who can occasionally shoot the Lynch is not expected to be drafted Another Dean of Students ing that the (expansion team) Vermont trey, but has the ugliest form this side of the by any NBA teams, although the Washing¬ Birkenstocks will draft me inthe third pick.” Androscoggin. ton Generals, the perennial foe of the The Bates Spudent spoke with Chicago Earlier this year, Lynch attempted to Harlem Globetrotters, has expressed inter¬ Bulls GM Herry Mause yesterday, who ex- choke head coach Moe Reilly, a distant rela¬ est in Lynch. News • The Bates Spudent » May 25,1998 7 Bates | College Family Income: □ $500,000-$1, 000,000 Application for Admission □ $1,000,000- $5,000,000 □ Over $5,000,000 Return to: Wile E. Coyote, Dean of Admissions Courses of Interest to You: Lindholm House □ Men and/or Women’s Anatomy Lewiston, ME 04240 □ Philosophy of Maine Liquor Enforcement □ Brewing Studies 101: From Beast to Pilsner Urquell Status for Fall Term: □ Biological Chemistry: Cures for the Common Hangover □ Freshman □ The Psychology of Peter Taylor □ Transfer □ Protest Tactics □ “Sweet Lou” Program □ Pub Crawl Strategy: Theory and Practice □ Studies of Oppression □ The Art of Self-Aggrandizement Name: _ □ Douglas Hodgkin: Lewiston Pioneer (First) (Middle) (Last) □ Organic Chemistry 268: Synthesis of Methamphetamines

Address: Please list any leadership positions, positions held, positions enjoyed most, gymnastics experience, splits experience, Varsity letters, and City:_ State: □ Massachusetts Zip: Varsity boyfriends earned: □ Connecticut

Summer House Address Please list any extracurricular, sexual, drinking, and “volunteer” (Street) - (City) (State) (Zip Code) activities that you feel the Admissions Committee ought to know about. In addition, please list any positions held, positions enjoyed most, recommended positions with pictorial references, videotapes Actual Birthdate: _ that display your talent in that position, and any experiences with (Month) (Day) (Year) Tonya Harding, Jeff Gilooly, Pamela Anderson, Tommy Lee, Rob Lowe, George Michael, Michael Jackson, and/or oral conversations or other oral activities engaged in with Presidents of countries. Birthdate You Will Be Using Please feel free to submit additional pages as5 needed. : a* u life t \i On Forms of Identification: _ (Month) (Day) (Year)

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Will you be applying for Financial Aid? □ Yes □ No SHORT ESSAYS: Please choose one of the following two essays and If Yes: Really? submit a page response. 1) The Spice Girls have revolutionized the music industry since their arrival just a few short years ago. Please discuss the impact that Social Security Number-_-_-_ Sporty, Posh, Scary, Baby, and Ginger, either collectively or individually, have had on your life. Tell us what you want, what you really really want. Do you have a low alcohol tolerance, sexual aversion, a resistance to peer pressure problem, small testicles, right-wing proclivities, a 2) During a classic scene in Animal House, Dean Wermer says the reluctance to protest, physical handicap, fear of the Hi Guy, or any following to the boys of Delta at their conduct hearing: “No more other special problem that may require a commitment of resources Delta. I’m revoking your charter. No more fun of any kind.” Please by the college. If so, please explain below, or simply pay $65 discuss the similarities between Dean Wermer and Dean Peter application fee and wait for rejection letter (it will come soon). Taylor of Bates with particular emphasis on the “No more fun of any kind” part.

LONG ESSAY: Officer Volpi of the Maine Liquor Enforcement agency approaches Ethnic Background: you during your Freshman year as you hold a fresh cup of Beast in □ White □ Other your hand. When Officer Volpi asks that you show him some identification, you proudly flash your fake, convinced that you outpigged the officer. To your surprise, Officer Volpi asks for a Date of Bar Mitzvah, Debutante Ball, second form of identification. Employing all the BS skills that have given you the audacity to apply to Bates, explain how you would or Coming Out Party: _ respond to Officer Volpi. Explain any positions held, positions (Month) (Day) (Year) desired, positions contemplated, but not articulated, and time held in those positions. Discuss how oppressed you feel as a result of Officer Volpi’s inquiry. Use four-syllable words, fancy political Number of Vehicles You Own: _ concepts like fascism and totalitarianism, make references to the “Orwellian nightmare”, and McCarthyism, and send lots of videotape- we like that. Type of Vehicle You Drive: □ Mommy’s Benz □ Land Rover □ Saab x □ Jeep Wrangler, Cherokee, or Grand Cherokee (Signature) (Date) 8 Forum * The Bates Spudent • May 25,1998 Forum Morally casual attitude house may get it up Carnal lust embodied in a potential new theme house for those willing to literally ‘live in sin’

By CHA-CHA MONTGOMERY n’ slide would replace all bathrooms. See- the library terrace, but then we realized how Pleasure) I’d move my whole family, young STAFF WRITER through floors and cold it can get in the winter. So we came up and old, into the place.” ceilings, vibrating with this option to make it fun year round.” When asked to comment why there Why is Katie mattresses, mood Large bay windows, without any curtains of was such a big push for new house, Dean Milwaukee smiling Housing director lighting, grip bars in any kind, will be installed into every room. Sawboner said; “We need a way to inject from ear to ear? Be¬ Keith Tannanfoob walls and floors, Second and third floor quick, emotionally cause she knows she •and a x-rated film¬ rooms will have balco¬ shallow sin back might (getting) very is said to be in ing studio on the nies accessible to the Interested persons into this place ever busy next year. Kate roof would all be public with chairs, since the new alco¬ is determined to be complete agreement new components of magnifying glasses, considering hol policy killed JA of the first year the formerly chemi¬ and (as always) free our social scene. I center in what could with the proposal. cal free house. condoms. application to the haven’t really been be Bates’ newest “If I didn’t already A nude beach, John Conman, satisfied that way theme house; the surrounding the angling to be the mor¬ house should be since the last Page morally casual atti¬ maintain such a nude swimming ally casual attitude limber, open minded, party in 1997. tude house. The pro¬ pool, would be house’s first RA, was Come to think of it, posal addresses the healthy sexual lifestyle placed as close to quoted as saying; “We non-allergic to I haven’t been sat- neglected social need the President’s were worried that the i s f i e d for persons willing to of sin house as possible so alumni and the police foodstuffs and since.since.... have safe, consen¬ that he and his fam¬ would object to such a damn, have I been sual sex with any¬ in my current home ily could take quick sexually provocative lubricants, and satisfied?” body, anywhere in (Tannanfoob lives in skinny dips in be¬ home for students. tolerant of having Interested per¬ any fashion short of tween those press¬ Then we offered some sons considering that involving cold Auburn’s world ing college fund free interactive work¬ explicit, naked photos application to the drink as lubricant. raisers. When asked shops and a direct house should be In an attempt famous brothel; if to bear all on the connection to our real¬ of themselves around limber, open to attract students idea, President time internet cameras minded, non-aller- with even looser Abdul’s Palace of Hardwood replied; if they supported our campus, in movie gic to foodstuffs sexual standards of Pleasure) I’d move my “I feel it might be proposal. Now they’re and lubricants, conduct, i.e. those time for me to get so fired up about this previews before film and tolerant of willing to shag the whole family, young into bed with stu¬ I’m worried that we’ll board showings... having explicit, na¬ first consensual bi¬ dents in an new, have to beat them off ked photos of ped they see, the pro¬ and old, into this sexually alternative, with a stick.-No pun themselves around posal is to totally re¬ kind of way. I’m intended.” campus, in movie previews before film board vamp Cheney House theme house.” randy just at the Housing director Keith Tannanfoob is showings, in the admissions viewbook, and into a den of plea¬ thought of it” said to be in complete agreement with the over the internet. House proponents say sure. Cheney would get several new addi¬ But the fun isn’t supposed to be just proposal. “If I didn’t already maintain such background is irrelevant, as included in the tions to its structure. A new whirlpool of ed¬ for residents. Voyeuristic pleasure would a healthy sexual lifestyle of sin in my cur¬ petitions to live in the house are two ible jello would be installed in what was also be an ultimate aim of the house as well. rent home (Tannanfoob lives in Auburn’s Carmelite Nuns, a security officer, and the Cheney’s kitchen. Group showers and a slip “We considered public sexual workshops on world famous brothel; Abdul’s Palace of entire staff of the registrar's office.

Cordially Invites You

To Peruse His World - Famous Bongo Parlour Hair Salon "We'll Gefcha Shiny!"

Walk - In Hours: 9:00 am - 5:00 pm Forum • The Bates Spudent • May 25,1998 9

Editorial Grab it proud and firm boys

The Bates Spudent was wildly disappointed Writer says it’s time “Men’s Studies” reared it’s ugly rump when the college announced who would receive To the Men of Bates College; sexist thinking? Repression doesn’t come honorary degrees last week. We refuse to recognize Guys, it’s time. No more will we stand naturally to me you know, I needed to de¬ them. We will protest in front of the Presidents house for being snubbed and repressed. The time velop it through years of selfless ignorance at 1:00 AM should the college confer honorary degrees to stand up and say; “I’ve got a jimmy be¬ and stupidity. I think to myself; what about tween my legs and I’m proud!” is now! For all those guys in the world, alone and sub- upon them. Through a painstaking selection process, years, Bates college _ _ jected to attitudes we have selected our own honorary degree recipients. has unfairly dis¬ that tell them their It is our hope that the college will recognize these criminated against The time to stand up genitalia doesn’t be¬ individuals, and abandon their misguided choices. men by offering stow upon them a only Womens Stud¬ and say; “I’ve got a certain justification ies, neglecting the for attitude and arro¬ Moanica BlewClinskv- Doctor of Oral/Oval hairier gender alto¬ jimmy between my gance. They should Sex- Her resume reads like that of a porn star. No, gether. know that it does! Moanica was not content to simply file, fax, and It’s not as if legs and I’m proud” is Need proof of phone as an intern. She distinguished herself by historical, scientific, now! our greatness as allegedly toying with the President’s distinguishing and political studies men? Want justifica¬ are dominated by tion of Men’s Stud¬ characteristic. Congrats, Moanica- we’re proud of you. men,.right? So where do we get to talk about ies? We are the only gender who brazenly Latrell Spreehell- Doctor of Martial Arts- The us? I don’t see any courses discussing male¬ show off their breasts in public, for the whole centric issues of pressing concern, do you? world to love and admire! We can pee stand¬ way you choked and choked your coach really Where are the workshops on organizing to ing up, and make designs with it in the snow! impressed us. We endorse your decision to sue the support more free net porn and how to com¬ Where would the world be without the need NBA- take ‘em for all their worth. We love you Spree- bat middle-aged beer gut? Where are the for urinals? Why, people would have to use please don’t kill us. anthropolgical studies examining the most toilets to pee into instead. We have sex or¬ devastaing social plague of history; male pat¬ gans that inflate and deflate like balloons, The Masturbator- Doctor of Unfettered tern baldness? and can serve as Proclivities- We caught you, but you slipped through When are we clothes hangers in a our hands. We want you to be our graduation speaker going to rise up and Letters to the Editor real jam. Who can’t be demand that it’s our envious of that? though- you’ve spent so much time here. We’ve come time to grab, scratch, One word; to adore you, sir. Don’t disappoint us. and spit? I say if it itches, reach right down belching. there and say with a firm public grip, “I’m Matter of fact, I’m going out right now Nostradamus- Doctor of Tarot Cards- While we male, and I’m proud.” Don’t be shy. Go out¬ to put on my beer cap, show off my chest do not concur with your sentiment that the world will side right now, find a random bystander and hair, not shower for a few days, and hock end because the Bobcats won a football game, we grab your crotch in exclaimation of our lugies all over the place while I make crude think you’re a pretty cool old dude. Excellent! No wait uniqueness as a man. You have package. jokes and defend my male prowess with lots a second- you suck you lazy bastard. You’re the reason Love it. of esoteric athletic opinion. MEN’S STUD¬ I need support for my views. How am IES NOW! Social Security is going to collapse. I’m paying for you I supposed to dominate and maintain hege¬ to sit on your ass. You bastard- You Killed Kenny! mony without a foundation of emotionally Hugs and Smootches, Brawn Toughnut Ladd; you re not welcome,

Maria Barfin’ Unquestionably one of the best ralphs in Pub Crawl . t history- Barfin’ pukes into her hand before finsih line, lets the rest out immediately after crossing it.

Kim Stalker and Christian Overlay First place finishers by over two minutes are disqualified when judges determine Stalker spit out beer.

Gad Nestle and Melissa for hire 1998 Pub Crawl Champs and proud recipients of a t free keg- what’s up Midnight Madness.

Chris Beef and Sara Idareya nnovative mode of transportation (shopping cart) wins mad style points from Spudent editors. m m m M t II ■

Dean (Peter Trailer) Wermer “No More Fun of Any Kind” approach threatens * integrity of future pub crawls.

Rob Blutarski t No Sh*t attitude ensures that seniors can get drunk and puke all over Rand’s lawn

Liam Sharke, Inebriated and disoriented participants decide to Redee Fond du Lac swim in puddle, and contract various diseases. Alicia Truckin

The number 14 Number of times pub crawlers decored Rand lawn with ralphy ralph.

Matt Contenta 500 t Racing Game in Pub 33.

Finishing in the slowest time ever in Pub Crawl Team Extreme history, Team Extreme visits 9 establishments and t drinks like guppies. Blutarski and Ken Golb grap 40’s on their way back to Page Forum * The Bates Spudent « May 25,1998 1 1

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The savings have never been better! Act now and we’ll buy your books back for a whopping 10% of their original value! 12 Q on the Q » The Bates Spudent • May 25,1998 Question on the Quad So, what are you doing after graduation?

“Retiring to my estate in the “I hear the Gap is hiring.” “Rising through the Democratic “Doing what I’ve alway’s done - Pyrenees.” ranks by any means necessary.” I’m going back to work." Glenjamin Filley ’98 Leon Levasseur Dave Cleaver ’98 Dean Soilent

Reported by Renee The Duck • Photos by Ansel Adams iAdios, Bates!