catalyst issue 01 One..Two...Three? Student Tests Newton’s Laws, Fails Tuesday, March 20th. stairs. responded Stevens when ques- A local teenager, whose and like, they were totally saying Michael Keets, a student at “I had no idea that stairs tioned about Keets’ comment, name will be kept confidential due to was completely wrong." Clark com- Spotsylvania County’s prestigious could be considered an outside “These kids never listen, especially his minor status, recently discovered mented. "I didn't like that at all." Spotsylvania Middle School, was force. I mean, according to every- Michael Keets. You tell them not to exactly how many licks it takes to get The federal government severally injured while attempting to thing else I’ve learned, they can’t be try anything we talk about in class, to the center of a Tootsie Pop. The has sided with the makers of the prove Newton’s first law of physics. a force because they have no direc- and they think you’re asking them if discovered, however, was not free of delicious treat in this case, however, Brian Stevens, the teacher who tion. They aren’t a vector quantity,” they want some cake. And they all controversy and suspicions of fraud. barring the boy from releasing his allegedly introduced Keets to said commented a heavily drugged want cake.” For years, the makers of findings, and stating that he must law, commented that he in no way Keets from his hospital bed the day Stevens also attempted to the aforementioned lollipop have revoke his press release. Charms, endorsed or recommended Keets’ after the experiment. comment in his native language of reeled in consumers with their ques- the candy conglomerate, has filed horrific personal experiment that fol- Keets escaped with only a physics, math. “Sin of x times force tion, "How many licks does it take to an Intellectual Property theft suit lowed his lesson. broken hip and elbow, but remains equals cosine of theta plus the get to the center of a Tootsite Pop?". against the teen and his family, Inertia, Newton’s first law, immobile. When asked why he square of the integral of cotangent And, until now, "the world [has never declaring that he "stole company states that an object will continue would ever attempt something as of y.” Translators are hard at work, known]." The boy, however, put out a secrets" and "can only be using with uniform motion in a uniform moronic as roller skating down a though baffled by the seemingly press release yesterday with his them for evil." While numerous direction until acted upon by an out- flight of stairs, Keets responded in impossible formula. finding, which he said he discovered "inside sources" from both sides side force. Keets returned to his kind: “Extra credit. Mr. Stevens, or after a thorough battery of tests con- have said to be leaking information school after the end of the day, Stinky-Stevey as I like to call him, via zaben ducted in his Spotsylvanian home. concerning the lawsuit, no confirmed climbed to the second floor, and put said that I could get extra credit for Immediately, he says, he recieved reports have surfaced. on roller skates. He then proceeded proving a theorem as important as telephone calls from supposed to skate with uniform motion and this.” experts on the subject. "I got calls via kyle speed towards a nearby flight of “I said no such thing,” from a bunch of bratty-expert kinds, NEWLY INDEPENDENT STUDENT SPEAKS OF NEW Area Boy Turns 18, Buys Lottery Ticket APARTMENT AS "SPACIOUS", "LUXORIOUS" Minutes after turning 18, covered that he had no change in of profanity. Jeff then also failed to "Yeah, this is my dream should hate it. After being kicked out of Jeff Bangles ran to the nearest 7-11 his pocket, and decided to raid the return the "Take a penny, leave a home," Phillip Watkins, 17, com- "I mean, he's paying $900 his house for repeatedly disobeying to purchase a scratch-off lottery tick- "Leave a penny, Take a penny" jar penny" coin to its jar, which has mented on the apartment he moved in rent every month, for a place with his parents, Watkins lived in his car et with his newfound adulthood. placed in the store. Rushing back remained empty since his depar- into on March 20th, nearly two so many cockroches that you can't while he looked for an apartment. "Aw, man, this is so cool!" into the store, he distracted the ture. weeks after being kicked out by his step in the shower without checking He spoke of the "freedom" and he reportedly claimed excitedly to cashier long enough to snatch one, Sources close to Jeff say parents. first." Longtime friend Will "exciting lifestyle" that it gave him, the uninterested cashier, who sim- before running back outside. that he has become "severely with- "No worries here!" Watkins Stevenson, 17, says. "I've got a bet ignoring the backaches and bad ply wanted him out of the store so Poised with his penny and drawn" and "disillusioned with the stated, tossing a small portion of running with the guys at Taco Bell order his friends say plagued him she could finish her cigarette. Jeff his ticket, he began to cratch off the world." When called for comment, ramen noodles on the stove during about what his dates'll do." throughout the weeks. then hopped up and down excited aluminum-colored coating. "Rock, we were met with a long streak of the interview. "Sure, I may have to Co-worker Yarmand "Dude, if I ever find a place as he pointed to the ticket of his one of these says $500!" Jeff animal-like cries, and wild shouts, pay for my water, gas, electricity, Walker, 16, agrees. "Man, he's livin' better than this, I'll probably be in choice, the first one he could spot. exclaimed after ignoring the first until he was calmed down by his cable, and a few other things, but it's in, like, a dream world or some- heaven." Watkins said with a reflec- After laying down his $1 for "$0" that he discovered. parents. When asked what kind of definitely worth it!" He then cursed, thing," he commented during an tive look in his eyes, kicking another his first adult purchase, Jeff ran out- Purportedly, this silvery ticket could lottery ticket he purchased, he stat- after noticing the late charges on his interview. "When I told him it looked dead rat under the couch. "Yeah, side to find out what he won. "Dude, yield a prize anywhere from a free ed he remembered it as "seductive- gas bill, but promptly tossed in into like a bucket of trash, he laughed, heaven." this is, like, awesome! This is the ticket to $1000. ly shiny and inviting, with big bolded the trash can with a chuckle. and, like, said he liked his curtain best-spent dollar of my life!" Bystanders report that green and gold dollar signs on it, yet Sources close to Watkins choice, too, referring to the dirty via soma he said as he clutched the shiny soon after this instant, Jeff threw the filled with a cold cold heart of decep- tell us that he is in a state of denial, bedsheets strung up on the sliding result of his $1 government dona- ticket in question onto the ground, tion." via soma that he is living in a dump, and glass door to his 2"x4" patio." tion in his swelty palm. He then dis- and stomped on it, with several cries Courtland Typesetting Abilities at All-Time Low Point, Counterpoint When entering school last "design faux pas" , and fears that Although many see this Friday, many Courtland students soon all distributed materials in the chorus banner as a bad omen to be were greeted with a large sign read- school will be poor-looking and feared, other maintain that the type- Legal Litter ing "Courtland Choruses Welcome lacking in effect. setting inability is contained to the This was recently a prob- chorus, and has not affected other YOU!". Although analysts believe lem at nearby Massaponnax High, sectors of the school."No way, we're Many people have recently been bobulated world do we live in that the feeling of good ware was which caused low attendance at completely fine over here. I had no petitioning their legislators, board where we get _sick_ from being understood, it is also thought that club meetings and sporting events. idea this was happening." replied members, and other representa- _too_ sanitary!? the tone of the message was mis- After numerous Public Relations Latin Club vice president Emily tives for the legalization of litter understood. meetings, club poster designers Andretta, when questioned about everywhere. Presented for you C: Your point lacks depth onto the "Due to the bolding of the had to appeal to Signs, Etc., a the problem. today is a dialog between the two main point Dr. Grinder. We have first letter of all of the words, the regional design firm, in order to get Frederick Webster has leading representatives from each massive problems such as mur- accent on 'YOU' was almost lost," consultations on their typesetting. repeatedly offered his firm's side of this heated debate. der, hunger, sea mullets, robbery, remarked Frederick Webster, a sen- Although it did cost a hefty amount, resources to the school, but they and religion. How can trash deal ior design analyst at a leading cor- club presidents are "very pleased" continually turn him down, citing Professor Frederick E. Grinder with anything to do with the matter poration. "Also, the normal-fonted with the results, stated an inside "independence" and "budget rea- III - participates in [4]; likes litter at hand? exclamation point decreased the source. sons." When asked what he thinks Cletus - participates in [4]; doesn't excited feeling of the banner by a "If there's one thing those will happen if this downward trend like litter FEG: Stop it with the mullets! factor of at least 3 or 4, but it may What the hell is a sea mullet g kids needed, it was most definitely continues, he laughs. "I don't know be as damaging as 7." us." Signs, Etc. CEO Bill Young told what they'll be able to do to improve FEG: I don't understand how any- anyawys? While it remains unclear as Professor Frederick E. us. "They were on a long road to a their typesetting without a consult- one in this modern society can be to why this banner was in place, it Grinder III very chaotic and typesettingly-chal- ant, but whatever happens, the opposed to litter, with all of its C: WTF? have you been living in signals a severe lack of typesetting lenged place, but we got them back blood won't be on my hands!" advantages. a bomb shelter? Go take a cruise skills in Courtland High. Lately the where they needed to be." via soma to the beach and when you see a industry has spoken gravely of their C: I would like just one, maybe flying haircut... then you'll know. two, specific _and_valid_ points to your argument. FEG: Listen, i don't know who you Rice Cripples US Navy are, or what in god's name these As of 3:05 PM yesterday, tions were released by the Navy last ing to organize a "large scale eating FEG: Well first of all, without a "sea mullets" have to do with litter, President George Bush declared a night, sunk to the bottom of their respec- effort" in order to clear the waterways. constant mess, we lost many jobs but i've about had -- Stage II alert for the entire navy. With tive harbors, spilling thousands of metric An attack on Russia by the Black Tigers in our economy, such as janitors, almost 2/5 of the Navy's entire fleet tem- tons of their San Francisco treat cargo late in 1999 left a major railroad covered not to mention keeping convicts C: You bastard Commie! Don't porarily out of commission, the other upon the sea floor. Due to the passing of in a mass of frozen asparagus, but was busy on the side of the road. you realize its only a matter of Armed Forces have been called to step El Nino and La Nina in previous years, quickly remedied by the "voracious eat- time before we drop like flies? up in case of military action. the waters of the harbors all over the ing" of the families of a nearby town. C: That is utterly ridiculous! For They are after us, and YOU! r Yesterday morning, at 7:07 Northern Hemisphere are much warmer Those families were quickly reprimand- and 7:23 AM Pacific Time, two boats than usual. This heat allowed the rice to ed for theft and condemned to life in the record, I feel janitorial duties were sunk in major Navy harbors on the slowly cook, expanding to thousands of prison. Colin Powell hopes this method, are plentiful and we aren't losing FEG: Look, I don't have time for Cletus East and West Coasts, leaving hun- square feet of solid rice, soaking up legalized here, will work for the United them. With much anticipation on this crap, I have better things to dreds of ships trapped with no way to much up the water in the harbor. States as well. the president's new anti-mullet bill, do. the open water. The large rice freight "This is very unusual. Rice is "I know this saltwater rice may we have much more to worry boats, the Armistad and the Gordimer, supposed to be a tool of good, used to taste like seaweed," Powell pleaded to about than trash. Unfortunately, this conversation are believed to have been planted with feed the hungry,"Humanist Michael the country last night. "But Uncle Sam is was cut short due to the attack of explosives by the Indonesian Black Frank stated in a teleconference. "Rice calling you, Americans. Calling you to FEG: Um, did you say anti-MUL- a pack of sea mullets, which com- Tiger terrorist group. "They are the only is not a tool to be used for evil, not to be come eat rice out of national harbors." group with a working knowledge of both used to bring the US Navy to its knees." The companies that produced LET bill? Whatever... Recently in pletely disfigured the participants vegetable and grain products and water- With the harbors blocked with the crippling rice could not be reached Spotsylvania, VA, people began bodies beyond recognition... A proof explosives," a White House the inflated rice, and the ships left for comment. getting sick because the area was word to the wise: stay away from spokeswoman commented. aground by the lack of water, Secretary via soma. too _clean_! What ind of discom- the wigs. The two boats, whose loca- of State Colin Powell has been attempt- xyou should x

x read me x

we’re tryin’ our best to do whatever it is that we’re doing. making you laugh? making you mad? making you think? yeah, we’re probably doing some of each of those. why? i’ll tell ya. school is stagnant. you see the same people every day, lis- ten to the same ideas every day, hear the same teachers every day. well we’re not letting that happen. we’re gonna force some humor, some insults, some reasoning on ya, just to toss a little bit more in the mix. hopefully you’ll see Catalyst issues to come, if all goes according to plan. agree with us? disagree? have something oh-so- incredibly witty to add? give it to us. chances are we’ll slip it in some- where in the phantom next issue. bon appetit.

via soma hooray for humans.

american culture stands have some problems that need to clothing, your leather couch, your for a lot of things. sex, drugs, rock be worked out? whatever, shove top-of-the-line sports car. you’re n roll are the big ones that comes the candy down your throat. rock n giving in to no one but the corpo- to mind. and that is just about all roll? we’re an entertainment-based rate minds, the ones who keep there is to america. channel after culture. we really don’t care about feeding you everything you’re eat- my kung fu is best! channel filled with near-porn, not much else besides zoning out in ing - from the need for a fresh new tossed on there for any reason but front of the television, getting our car to the hippest new cult hit to to get the conglomerate king net- distorted primetime bed time story the reasons you should love [or works a bigger chunk of cake this read to us by a multimillionaire not] your girlfriend. christmas. an entire country not a anchor on the news who could wake up. that big vat of slave to illegal substances, but seem interested for days on end. emptiness will be just where you legal ones - got a little headache? drift away from every else, into left it. pop a pill. not getting along with your own little sphere - you’ve got via reuben your family? take the red ones. your expensive lamp, your designer air ethereal ambient electronica-pop bedhead minimalistic lo-fi slowcore, intimately melodic elvis costello cerebral, witty, and quirky new wave backed by incredible lyrics josef k nervous rambunctious scottish post-punk the list. old 97s alterna-country-punk hybrid velvet underground experimental rock, bitter sweet drugged proto-punk top 5 albums to be pissed to: 3.avail- over the james great background and conversation the cars quirky, playful new wave 1.boy sets fire-after the eulogy 4.the donna's- amercian teenage rock music. hefner bittersweet palyful urban-folk indie trio 2.anti-flag-die for the govt n roll machine hrvatski lo-fi bass-ladden jungle and breaks 3.minor threat-complete discography 5.propagandi- how to clean everything Miles Davis - trumpet; all about yo la tengo ethereal and intimate dreampop/jazzy indie rock, soothing and cerebral 4.any victory records compilation some "pure" improvisation, coming magnetic fields sexy, witty, and wry indie rock 5.the unseen- lower class crucifixion top 5 albums to make you feel like up with riffs on the spot. "Kind of you’re going to be single till you die: ui electronic experimental post-rock top 5 albums to depress yourself : 1.promise ring- nothing feels good Blue" best exemplifies this philoso- the sea and cake mellow indie post-rock 1.j.mascis- martin and me 2.saves the day- through being cool phy, since all of the other musicians isotope 217 fusion, experimental jazz/rock 2.no motiv- and the sadness pervails... 3.ben lee- breathing tornados on it had no conception of the bikini kill harsh, confrontational riotgrrl/punk 3.pedro the lion-winners never quit 4.the get up kids- four minute mile music before the recording session; sleater-kinney energetic, melodic riot grrl/punk 4.mazzy star-so tonight i might see 5.weezer- pinkerton Miles came in and gave them a key, calla dark experimental lo-fi 5.the weakerthans-fallow scale, and time, and they created arab strap misanthropic post-folk top 5 albums to get 80's to: one of the purest jazz albums of all pere ubu artsy post-punk top 5 albums to be happy to: 1.before you were punk 2 time. 1.the slackers- wasted days 2.stray cats- greatest hits guided by voices lo-fi, jangle-pop and artsy post-punk ispired 2.dismemberment plan- emergancy 3.vh1 big 80's - big hair half japanese pure DIY post-punk and i 4.footloose soundtrack Billie Holiday - vocals; though she centro-matic full on lo-fi indie rock 3.the impossibles- anthology 5.pure 80's fell into a group of jazz vocalists the stone roses 60s guitar pop with a british new wave dance influence 4.bouncing souls- maniacal laughter that i'm not particularly fond of pram hypnotic experimental electronic dream-pop 5.soul coughing - ruby vroom top 5 albums to be hyper to: because their most popular songs brian eno ambient, prog/glam/art-rock 1.operation ivy- energy are covers, she's still one of my oval minimalistic ambient tecno top 5 albums to chill to: 2.the frownies- self titled favorites. "Lady in Satin" is my bowery electric spacey experimental drone rock 1.sublime- 40oz to freedom 3.dismemberment plan- is terrified favorite. 2. bob marley- legend 4.ann beretta-to all our fallen heros baboon raccous wild punk 3. the clash- combat rock 5.choking victim- no gods/no man- jose strummer & the mescalaroespost-punk/roots rock 4.weezer- blue album agers Jimmy Smith - organ; nice 60's the clash rowdy and cathartic punk 5.ben folds five- whatever and ever lounge, Sanford and Son kinda stereolab ambient pop amen top 5 albums to pimp to: organ; not extremely familiar with mccarthy experimental post-rock 1.beastie boys- liscensed to ill him, but "The Sermon" is a great the feelies nerdy noisey jangle pop top 5 albums to make out to: 2.outkast- skanktopia album. very groovin'. one of my master cylinder ambient fusion 1.prince- greatest hits vol.1 3.digable planets favorite things about this album is flux information sciences malavolent proto-industrial experimental 2.reggie and the full effect-greatest 4.dr.dre- the chronic that it doesn't focus _just_ on hits 84-87 5.?!?!?!? orange juice quirky post-punk/new wave 3.clarks ditch- trafalgomoron Jimmy Smith. Most jazz albums 4.rancid- 1st self titled via jodie. have a featured artist, who the via aleyna 5.nin- pretty hate machine album is named for, and almost all of the album is that person playing misfits goldfinger top 5 albums to be confused to: Art Blakey - drums; organized a lead or melodies with the rest of the the clash wizo 1.sonic youth-dirty constantly evolging, though now musicians playing accompaniment. sexpistols anti-heros 2.butter 08-self titled "The Sermon" differs in that each cigar i farm 3.the faint obviously defunct, group of "young, up-and-coming" musicians called artist on the album gets about an cky h2o 4.the hives-veni vidi vicious black flag cancerous reagans 5.smart went crazy- now we're even the Jazz Messengers. he also put equal amount of time playing lead. out an excellent, though quite dif- Smith himself even ducks back into anti-flag ramones top 5 albums to rock out to in the car ferent, album called "The African the accompaniment for much of the nofx via matt alone: Beat." this album is resemblent of album. atom and his package via gene 1.kid dynamite- shorter, faster, louder african tribal music, which isn't so iron maiden 2.strike anywhere- chorus of one much jazzy, but still makes for youth brigade *blink*blink *blink*blink for the ear. *blink*blink upcoming shows: being young and stupid, i'm always one for a little rebellion now and then. a favorite pasttime of MARCH 01: mine is coming up with ways to stick it to the "man," "combine," "establishment," whatever one thurs 29- Strike Anywhere, Twisters(richmond,va) 7pm $5 wishes to call it. and loopholes are the key to these exploitations. sat 31- Faraquet, Blackcat(DC), 9pm $7 so one day i'm standing around in a fire lane, which is clearly marked with a sign as a no park- APRIL 01: ing zone, and a car pulls up, parks. its driver gets out and goes inside the building. i don't think much about it until a police car drives by, its driver Fri 06.Fairweather, Salvation Army benefit, Westminster,MD looking dead at the car, and continues on its way. 4pm $6 "now what the crap," i'm thinking to myself, per- Mon 09.J.mascis and the Fog, Alkaline Trio, Blackcat(DC), plexed at why this fellow hadn't gotten a ticket... and it started to really bug me. i couldn't figure 8:30pm $15 out what was wrong with this situation. was the Tues 10.Jersey, Sidebar, Baltimore,MD 8pm $6 cop just being lazy? was this person friends with Wed 11.Rocket from the Crypt,International Noise the cop? maybe there was an FOP sticker on Comspiracy,Explosion, Blackcat 9pm $12 the car. maybe there was something different about the car signaling some sort of immunity to Wed 11.Engine Down, Schervo, Tokyo this law... Rose,Charlottesville,10:30pm BAM! hazard lights! the driver had left his haz- Thurs 12. Jets to Brazil, Blackcat,8:30pm $12 ard lights on! the cop had seen the hazard lights, Fri 13 .Frank Black and the Catholics,Blackcat(DC),9pm $15 assumed some quasi-emergency was occurring, and left the person to take care of it as needed. Fri 13.Sick of it All,Death by Stereo, Nation(DC) i was in this location for quite some time, and saw Fri 20.Engine Down, Transmegetti,Blackcat(DC),9pm $6 the driver come back out, now with a companion, Sun 22.The Melvins, Folk Implosion, Blackcat(DC) 8:30pm at least 30 minutes later. it didn't _look_ like any- $13 thing imperative had happened. maybe i was missing something. or maybe i WASN'T. if this Fri 27.Superchunk,Blackcat(DC), 9pm guy could just drive up here...pull some illegal Sat 28.Fairweather,Twisters(Richmond), 7pm $6 parking crap, and just leave like nothing hap- Sat 28.Dimemberment Plan, Distemata, Wilson Center(DC) pened, all because he had an "emergency," then 6pm $5 we all need to learn a lesson from him: from haz- ard lights come freedom. there are no laws once you hit that switch. lights MAY 01- go on, rules go off. one could do ANYthing. rob a bank. mug an old lady. steal someone's my kung fu is best! shoe. punch the mayor. declare yourSELF Wed 02.The Promise Ring,Blackcat(DC),8:30pm $9 mayor. it doesn't matter if it concerns traffic laws Tue 22.Guttermouth,US Bombs, 9:30 club(DC), 7pm $12 or not. as long as you legally (well, not that legal- ities will matter for much longer) own a car, and it is somewhere in your vicinity with its hazard lights on, you have free reign to do whatever you (go to www.pheer.com for venue info,addresses, please. the cops would say "oh well, he's got his directions,& phone numbers) hazard lights on, what can we do."

via gene i hate you because Students can’t steal music, you are different than complain. for the eye. me. Recently Napster Inc. was small file to download, less than www.filenavigator.com. Diversity, diversity, diversity. ordered to shut down its provided 1MB. This program simply manages FileNavigator actually runs from the It has been brought to the a wealthy business tries to buy his infor- Get along with your neighbors. Don't be the music coming to your computer: servers that Napster runs on, but attention of this newspaper that many mation with service: the file sharing of MP3 afraid to be yourself, its a-ok! all searching and selecting is per- with a separate client, one whose students watch movies. These movies advanced computer parts. However, our encoded audio files via the internet. These are the messages that formed within Internet Explorer, life expectancy is looking to be are either rented and viewed at the hero starts to go insane, and the prob- These files can be used to create schools across the nation have been home of the renter, or viewed in the- lems just continue to mount. This is also personal compilation CDs, and thus Netscape, or any other web brows- much longer as of right now. Using trying to say they support, messages aters. However, many students have a good movie, although not as good as er one might be running. Songs one this program, you can search for they say they believe in. This is just an have been the root of many a pirat- recently been expressing a desire to see some of the others on this list. It’s about has downloaded then appear on a music and/or movies with an inter- effort to put on a nice smily face for the ed album. Although Napster contin- “good” movies as opposed to “bad.” So, normal length, 1.5 hours or so, but, once list in the browser, and can be face virtually identical to that of parents, for the public. The only thing ues to run today, it is becoming without further adieu, the list. again, there’s a catch: it’s filmed in black schools believe in these days is sup- increasingly more limited and the played with the click of a button. Napster. Fans of Scour, the now- Traffic – This movie is excellent. Not only and white. Although this shouldn’t really pression and oppression. AudioGalaxy also splits your files defunct media-sharing program, will does it have a compelling storyline about matter, some people don’t like black and end is invariably near. Earlier this month, a guy i into different genres, suggests be very pleased with FileNavigator. drugs and the war on them, but is also white movies, even ones shot in black But fear not, fellow stu- know in Ohio was kicked out of school. artists like the ones you listen to, So remember, with the funny and well-acted, and for you film and white to stylistically symbolize some- dents, there are alternatives. If Why? No, he wasn't getting into fights. buffs out there, it is shot in several differ- thing. In Video Stores Now (not at Movie searching strictly for music is your and keeps things organized in gen- internet there is always a free way No, he wasn't missing classes. No, he ent film stocks to give certain scenes, Time, try Hollywood) [editor’s note: eral. to do whatever you want, and as wasn't doing anything - except having bag, hit up www.audiogalaxy.com, such as Mexico, a grittier feel. The plot THEY DONT HAVE IT! go to Video Club] Another good program for long as you know what it is, the red hair. Sunday night he had decided where you will be able to do every- revolves around three major parties: The Almost Famous – Yes. Quite possibly not only music, but for all types of possibilities are endless. he would dye it, so he bleached his hair thing Napster can do and more, newly-appointed head of the D.E.A., his the best movie on this list, it will have and dyed it a vibrant red. When he got with even greater ease. The media files, such as movies, is daughter (who is quickly becoming a you glued for its entirety. Set in the to school the next day, however, he had FileNavigator. This program can be via zaben drug addict), a woman whose husband 1970s, the movie centers on a young AudioGalaxy program is a very no choice but to change it to jet black. obtained, again for free, from has just been incarcerated for drug traf- boy too smart for his age that gets into On his way to first period he was ficking, and some Mexican men attempt- writing rock and roll reviews. He goes on accosted by a teacher who sent him to i hate you, continued ing to clean up the drug scene in their tour with a band called Stillwater and so the office - they hadn't even given his own country. Of course, there are side our movie gets started. We then follow you'll be rushed down to the office to be "talked to" buy me. hair a chance in the classroom. The plots, but they are numerous. The movie the tour and the drama in the band because they are "concerned." If they're discriminating principal then sent him home until his has several comedic moments, some throughout the states, as they get against the kids who aren't the norm, the kids that they we live in a greedy hair was a "reasonable color." The point intended to tickle your funny bone, oth- more and more famous. Perhaps the say are driven to those things by being treated differently, capitalist society only of rules in school is to preserve educa- ers intended to cause you to laugh with best part of the movie is its soundtrack: aren't they just rushing the problem along? A source tells bent on selling more tion, right? WHAT is having red hair an ironic appreciation of the scene. One there is constantly really good rock and me that last year all of the "freaks" at Chancellor were doing to cause a disturbance? In fact, it and more to brain- catch though-- this is a long one: expect roll music playing, and most of it is actu- rounded up, and told that the administration was their has to cause a "substantial distur- washed consumers. to sit for over two hours. Although the ally being played in-movie. This means friend. Then they were given basically immunity to prove bance," according to the Supreme each and every one of film is certainly worth it, it is not very that there is not just a soundtrack run- this, and to prevent anyone from "picking on them" or Court, before this freedom of expression you is just a number action-packed, and some may have a ning over what’s happening in the film; whatever. A few months later, though, they had complete- can be stopped. Did his school care? with a wallet. the media problem sticking with the whole thing. In you actually ly forgotten that, and resumed life back as it had always Do any schools care? No - they wish to Theaters Now see bands playing and people singing been, the strict caste system of school rolling along as is our nanny, our maintain their rigid order, and keep Pi – This is an oldie but goodie, and it along to some of the greatest rock music usual. This recognition of a group is sick - the school did- teacher, our mentor. things the way they want them. will really make you think. A shut-in of all time. This one’s a little long too, but n't make the same point to everyone, just the "different" advertisements are Lately, the schools have been genius mathematician develops a theory: it’s much easier for everyone (even people, who they believed would be the first with a on a witch hunt for kids who could be eaten like candy, we if everything is based on numbers and those short-attentioned movie-goers) to thought in their head and a gun in their hand. Schools the next ones to gun down the school. absorb the idea without patterns of numbers, now matter how be sucked in and stay for over two need to learn to deal with people who aren't cardboard How do they do it? Well, their first crite- a single thought. in this long they may be, the stock market must hours. If you haven’t seen this one, put cutouts without making them out to be suspicious out- rion seems to be normalcy. If you're just world, you only need a too. So he sets out to find that number, this paper casts. another prep or John Doe, they really half-naked body and a but along the way gets mixed up in sev- down and go get it. In Video Stores Now Yes, schools have a mission, but that mission won't pay attention to you. If you're a bit eral other problems. Jewish mathemati- So then, that about wraps it up this time. shouldn't include trying to repress our freedoms or cast worthless product. off of the beaten path, though, the cians find out about the work he is doing Enjoy the films and remember: films are some people as maniacs just waiting to be let loose. buy on, america. buy school'll have its eyes on you like fat and try to coerce him into helping them for watching, not eating. Some people are 'normal,' some people aren't. Get over on. black flies on disgustingly rancid meat. find a sacred number they need to it, and stop interfering with who we want to be. Make one false move, one stray com- decode the Torah. A woman representing via zaben ment, and via warhol (next page or so...) via soma turn the radio on. Save Times Three

yeah, i know. you're way too everyone needs to check out The Soundtrack. If you don't see something else a try. i know people The civil war was more about 7minutes more time to spare : cool for the radio. you've totally passed everything. i mean, you may like where the movie : at least go out and buy that have gone from listening to which is usually spent sleeping : that point. you're hip to the core with you are, you may think that you're oh the Southern economy : and how it metal to listening to miles davis, or however none-the-less : still more the soundtrack : which is produced your indie rock, with your underground so fantastic, but you should really do was much better than the North's : from dave matthews to bouncing time. Not only that but I also did by our good fellow Yellow-Man. metal,with your hip reggae with your something more than what you're doing than it was about slavery : Contrary souls. which means it wouldn't be Yes, Yellow-Man blows away the outcasted, banned-in-5-states some- now. i mean, i'm sure you've listened to to popular belief : the Emancipation some calculations and have come too much to say that someone audience with the music that is thing or other. its a pity, though. some other stuff, but C'MON, give Proclamation also freed a whole lot upon the conclusion that it actually couldn't go from bouncing souls to saves water as well : so all of you played in the background during dave matthews. but say you're an of no slaves : and what do these eco-freaks out there hop to it : Save the fantastic fight scenes : a word almighty *insert music brand* god two things have in common? They turn the radio off. the enviroment by brushing your to the wise : do not judge the film that states that you listen to the have absolutely nothing to do with on the fact that when people run or music of the gods, and everyone me : nor the fact that I've come to teeth in the shower! yes. turn off the radio. i own musical wishes in order to make jump it "looks fake" : as the movie else is a complete moron. chances the habit of brushing my teeth every know, it must be the lifeblood to your the dough. but no, they're out in their is based on a "dreamscape" of are you haven't given anything a morning in the shower. And you know what me brushing oh-so-hip world, but turn it off any- beat-up grey van, driving from city to chance since you turned down MTV my teeth in the shower has sorts : if you've seen any good old ways. same to your television. MTV city, night after night, playing for gas in 7th grade to check out your films you'll realise that it isnt funny It struck me as odd at first : the absolutely no correlation with? The never did anyone any good. money at clubs that reek of vomit, brother's cds, and then got abducted movie Crouching Tiger : Hidden looking but better than the shit you by *artist A* or *artist B* or some- time I thought about the idea I was you are being brainwashed. the burning their cds and selling them at Dragon. Merely because nowhere have to watch now-a-days [ such thing, and then just tossed into watching an informercial : the record companies are telling the five bucks a pop so a normal street as the matrix and keanu reeves' whatever scene you're in. you then informercial was for a cooker in in the movie does it depict the act media what to hype, telling the radio kid can check one out. that is real stupid acting ] : oh : and it has sub- thought that was better than main- which one "Set it & Forget it" : of one brushing their teeth : now stations what to play - the record dedication, ladies and gentlemen. titles : so if you cant read you can stream, so you stick there, just like and by some odd miracle that slo- wait wait wait : don't go saying the companies are basically telling you sitting in your hollywood mansion only see the film if you are mute : the mainstream person who won't gan gave me the idea to brush my hell with the movie already just what to like. and how does a record sipping on champagne, hitting a few venture off to check out something so that you cannot talk and be a teeth in the shower every morning. because of one fault : in general the company get this influence? money. keys on a keyboard, and then mixing that wasn't on TRL yesterday. dumbshit while the movie is playing this article : by the way : is just a movie is definately one I'd advise the record companies that get their in some long-forgotten artist's mean- i'm not saying that you're for you to see : Why? Well by- : but you're not deaf : so you can a moron, or that your kind of music suggestion : a push of some sorts : music out there are the ones with the ingful words is not music. but its golly that damn-well deserves hear the music : and then use sign- sucks, though - i'm just sayin that to get you to do the same : just big bucks, the ones that force the what the public takes. language to state that the fight you need to go see whats out there, because I don't want to be different another paragraph! arists to write what they know will take a breath from the stifling one- scenes and the music were so you might be passing up something and the only person who does so! sell, the ones that try to stomp out flavor-suits-all commercialism of the rockin. it's just the whole anti-trend First off : Fight Scenes. You beatifull that you want to see it four anything that creates a spread of popular world. turn into an emo kid. more times : trust me : four more trend. we all know it exists, and that Why the hell should you waste know you love them : you know you new music that they aren't a part of. become a punk. go hardcore. most of us play a little part in it. times : as here I am and I've seen your time brushing your teeth in the crave them : and you know you'll you're simply catering to the fat cat chance being bluesy. goth yourself we're a nice little anti-trend group it six. shower? Well that's the point! You spend seven dollars and fifty cents execs and the musician zombies up if you want to, as long as you by even distro-ing this paper here. to see them : but the trick isn't the but don't play too big a part, keep WONT : because it actually saves that do as they're told. keep your eyes and ears out of the fight scenes themselves [ although So do yourself a favor : Save time : your eyes open for something else. you time : I've found my mornings there's a whole other world of music mainstream, and plugged into the Save water : and Save me a seat we've got a nice list of stuff you can have increased in productivity at it does make a good part of the out there. not just a whole other underground, where you have to at the movies. check out, all neat and organized least 45% and I have approximately movie ] the big hooplah is actually world, multiple dimensions of it! i'm fight to find new bands, where you and whatnot, donated by literally sure there's dozens of genres you've have to struggle in order to stay on bazillions of people (oh YES, literal- Unless you smell bad : in that event never heard of, much less listened top - you aren't spoon fed the the ly!) who all have crazy different : take a shower : and send me to. if you only eat up what MTV and new hit each week, bands don't tastes, so you'll get a nice dosage of money : and then I'll go see the DC101 feeds to you, you're missing come and go because their con- whatever you're in the mood for. i'm damn movie myself : alone : maybe a lot of the good stuff. glomerate sponsors don't think not guaranteeing anything, though, with my girlfriend : because she a lot of us listen to a lot of things the bands that aren't on the giant they're fresh enough two days down takes showers every morning : and that suck pretty badly, we're just so she brushes her teeth : you dis- labels are not out for the money. the road. far into it that we don't realize how sure, they want to make some along turn the radio off. venture bad it is anymore. so bear with us, gustingly dirty bastard. the way, but if they did want the out. break out your napster or whatnot, money, they'd be playing for the big and hit up something new! via caenum companies, and suppressing their via soma. via reuben