catalyst issue 01 One..Two...Three? Student Tests Newton’s Laws, Fails Tuesday, March 20th. stairs. responded Stevens when ques- A local teenager, whose and like, they were totally saying Michael Keets, a student at “I had no idea that stairs tioned about Keets’ comment, name will be kept confidential due to was completely wrong." Clark com- Spotsylvania County’s prestigious could be considered an outside “These kids never listen, especially his minor status, recently discovered mented. "I didn't like that at all." Spotsylvania Middle School, was force. I mean, according to every- Michael Keets. You tell them not to exactly how many licks it takes to get The federal government severally injured while attempting to thing else I’ve learned, they can’t be try anything we talk about in class, to the center of a Tootsie Pop. The has sided with the makers of the prove Newton’s first law of physics. a force because they have no direc- and they think you’re asking them if discovered, however, was not free of delicious treat in this case, however, Brian Stevens, the teacher who tion. They aren’t a vector quantity,” they want some cake. And they all controversy and suspicions of fraud. barring the boy from releasing his allegedly introduced Keets to said commented a heavily drugged want cake.” For years, the makers of findings, and stating that he must law, commented that he in no way Keets from his hospital bed the day Stevens also attempted to the aforementioned lollipop have revoke his press release. Charms, endorsed or recommended Keets’ after the experiment. comment in his native language of reeled in consumers with their ques- the candy conglomerate, has filed horrific personal experiment that fol- Keets escaped with only a physics, math. “Sin of x times force tion, "How many licks does it take to an Intellectual Property theft suit lowed his lesson. broken hip and elbow, but remains equals cosine of theta plus the get to the center of a Tootsite Pop?". against the teen and his family, Inertia, Newton’s first law, immobile. When asked why he square of the integral of cotangent And, until now, "the world [has never declaring that he "stole company states that an object will continue would ever attempt something as of y.” Translators are hard at work, known]." The boy, however, put out a secrets" and "can only be using with uniform motion in a uniform moronic as roller skating down a though baffled by the seemingly press release yesterday with his them for evil." While numerous direction until acted upon by an out- flight of stairs, Keets responded in impossible formula. finding, which he said he discovered "inside sources" from both sides side force. Keets returned to his kind: “Extra credit. Mr. Stevens, or after a thorough battery of tests con- have said to be leaking information school after the end of the day, Stinky-Stevey as I like to call him, via zaben ducted in his Spotsylvanian home. concerning the lawsuit, no confirmed climbed to the second floor, and put said that I could get extra credit for Immediately, he says, he recieved reports have surfaced. on roller skates. He then proceeded proving a theorem as important as telephone calls from supposed to skate with uniform motion and this.” experts on the subject. "I got calls via kyle speed towards a nearby flight of “I said no such thing,” from a bunch of bratty-expert kinds, NEWLY INDEPENDENT STUDENT SPEAKS OF NEW Area Boy Turns 18, Buys Lottery Ticket APARTMENT AS "SPACIOUS", "LUXORIOUS" Minutes after turning 18, covered that he had no change in of profanity. Jeff then also failed to "Yeah, this is my dream should hate it. After being kicked out of Jeff Bangles ran to the nearest 7-11 his pocket, and decided to raid the return the "Take a penny, leave a home," Phillip Watkins, 17, com- "I mean, he's paying $900 his house for repeatedly disobeying to purchase a scratch-off lottery tick- "Leave a penny, Take a penny" jar penny" coin to its jar, which has mented on the apartment he moved in rent every month, for a place with his parents, Watkins lived in his car et with his newfound adulthood. placed in the store. Rushing back remained empty since his depar- into on March 20th, nearly two so many cockroches that you can't while he looked for an apartment. "Aw, man, this is so cool!" into the store, he distracted the ture. weeks after being kicked out by his step in the shower without checking He spoke of the "freedom" and he reportedly claimed excitedly to cashier long enough to snatch one, Sources close to Jeff say parents. first." Longtime friend Will "exciting lifestyle" that it gave him, the uninterested cashier, who sim- before running back outside. that he has become "severely with- "No worries here!" Watkins Stevenson, 17, says. "I've got a bet ignoring the backaches and bad ply wanted him out of the store so Poised with his penny and drawn" and "disillusioned with the stated, tossing a small portion of running with the guys at Taco Bell order his friends say plagued him she could finish her cigarette. Jeff his ticket, he began to cratch off the world." When called for comment, ramen noodles on the stove during about what his dates'll do." throughout the weeks. then hopped up and down excited aluminum-colored coating. "Rock, we were met with a long streak of the interview. "Sure, I may have to Co-worker Yarmand "Dude, if I ever find a place as he pointed to the ticket of his one of these says $500!" Jeff animal-like cries, and wild shouts, pay for my water, gas, electricity, Walker, 16, agrees. "Man, he's livin' better than this, I'll probably be in choice, the first one he could spot. exclaimed after ignoring the first until he was calmed down by his cable, and a few other things, but it's in, like, a dream world or some- heaven." Watkins said with a reflec- After laying down his $1 for "$0" that he discovered. parents. When asked what kind of definitely worth it!" He then cursed, thing," he commented during an tive look in his eyes, kicking another his first adult purchase, Jeff ran out- Purportedly, this silvery ticket could lottery ticket he purchased, he stat- after noticing the late charges on his interview. "When I told him it looked dead rat under the couch. "Yeah, side to find out what he won. "Dude, yield a prize anywhere from a free ed he remembered it as "seductive- gas bill, but promptly tossed in into like a bucket of trash, he laughed, heaven." this is, like, awesome! This is the ticket to $1000. ly shiny and inviting, with big bolded the trash can with a chuckle. and, like, said he liked his curtain best-spent dollar of my life!" Bystanders report that green and gold dollar signs on it, yet Sources close to Watkins choice, too, referring to the dirty via soma he said as he clutched the shiny soon after this instant, Jeff threw the filled with a cold cold heart of decep- tell us that he is in a state of denial, bedsheets strung up on the sliding result of his $1 government dona- ticket in question onto the ground, tion." via soma that he is living in a dump, and glass door to his 2"x4" patio." tion in his swelty palm. He then dis- and stomped on it, with several cries Courtland Typesetting Abilities at All-Time Low Point, Counterpoint When entering school last "design faux pas" , and fears that Although many see this Friday, many Courtland students soon all distributed materials in the chorus banner as a bad omen to be were greeted with a large sign read- school will be poor-looking and feared, other maintain that the type- Legal Litter ing "Courtland Choruses Welcome lacking in effect. setting inability is contained to the This was recently a prob- chorus, and has not affected other YOU!". Although analysts believe lem at nearby Massaponnax High, sectors of the school."No way, we're Many people have recently been bobulated world do we live in that the feeling of good ware was which caused low attendance at completely fine over here. I had no petitioning their legislators, board where we get _sick_ from being understood, it is also thought that club meetings and sporting events. idea this was happening." replied members, and other representa- _too_ sanitary!? the tone of the message was mis- After numerous Public Relations Latin Club vice president Emily tives for the legalization of litter understood. meetings, club poster designers Andretta, when questioned about everywhere. Presented for you C: Your point lacks depth onto the "Due to the bolding of the had to appeal to Signs, Etc., a the problem. today is a dialog between the two main point Dr. Grinder. We have first letter of all of the words, the regional design firm, in order to get Frederick Webster has leading representatives from each massive problems such as mur- accent on 'YOU' was almost lost," consultations on their typesetting. repeatedly offered his firm's side of this heated debate. der, hunger, sea mullets, robbery, remarked Frederick Webster, a sen- Although it did cost a hefty amount, resources to the school, but they and religion. How can trash deal ior design analyst at a leading cor- club presidents are "very pleased" continually turn him down, citing Professor Frederick E.