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Title: So You Want to be a Superhero, How Noble of You Volume 1 by Zachary Schechter 995 South End, Woodmere, NY 11598. [email protected] Date: 5/8/20 Abstract: This manuscript contains volume 1 of So You Want to be a Superhero, How Noble of You, the complete guide to being a superhero. In volume 1, would be superheroes will learn everything they need to know about starting out and finding their place in an increasingly strange word. Featuring topics such as costumes, codenames, and what to do if you have lame superpowers, So You Want to be a Superhero breaks complicated concepts for new superheroes with helpful tips and hilarious jokes. Permission Statement "I, Zachary Schechter, submit this unpublished manuscript, written by me and entitled, So You Want to be a Superhero, How Noble of You Volume 1, I assign the following rights for usage of my manuscript by others: None. I retain all rights as holder of copyright for this manuscript” Date 5/8/20 Signed Zachary Schechter #001 Gaining Powers So, you’ve woken up one day with an intense desire to start saving the world and the few billion people who live in it. Good for you! That’s very noble of you. Now you and every single child who has ever opened up a comic book and gone to the movies have something in common. Congratulations! Lucky for you though, you have something that those children don’t. You have this handy dandy guide right here. The children don’t have that. They probably can’t even read. Before you start committing acts of grand heroism and derring-do it’s important to acknowledge that the average person is simply not cut out for this kind of thing. Superheroing is dangerous. You can die. Without this guide you’ll definitely die. Hands down. Most superheroes worth their salt have some kind of superpower, or, at the very least, enough money that such things don’t matter. Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but I think it’s safe to assume that you have neither superhuman abilities nor an infinite fortune, you poor, mortal, soul you. So that means the first thing we have to address is how to acquire super powers. Now, there are a number of ways one could go about obtaining superpowers and the vast majority of them are just, like, incredibly dangerous. You can lick a meteor, bathe yourself in mysterious chemicals whose canisters are marked only with the letter “X,” go on an unsanctioned space expedition (spacepedition?). Just a quick disclaimer though, the odds of your gaining super strength against the odds of your dying of radiation poisoning in any of these cases are roughly 70/30 in favor of a slow irradiated death. Maybe 60/40, I’m no scientist. Now, if those odds are making the statistic junkies out there sweat a little, don’t worry, there are other options. For example, you can expose an animal, such as a spider or perhaps a water buffalo, to heavy amounts of radiation and then allow them to bite you. This method is slightly less risky for you, but, full disclosure, if you’re the kind of guy who’d rather expose an animal to radiation than live without superpowers maybe superheroing isn’t for you. For some less radiation filled methods for animal-lovers, I suggest looking into genetic science. Take a stroll down to the nearest gene-splicing laboratory and see what kind of deluxe consumer packages they have to offer. With any luck they’ll be able to hook you up with some gills or some giant bird wings or some really neat actual bat ears. Or all three! You can strike fear and horror into the hearts of criminals and evildoers as the mighty Bat-Fish-Giant-Bird-Wing Man. Or the mighty Bat-Fish- Giant-Bird-Wing Woman, women can be genetically mutated monstrosities too! For those who fall somewhere in between “gleefully irradiating animals” and “I want animal parts on my body” on the animal-lover scale, I suggest seeking out your local village mystic. Local village mystics are great for these kinds of things but there’s usually some kind of catch like “fake your death and study under me for decades while your family and friends grieve for you” or “Literally go out and murder a dragon and then maybe maybe I’ll hook you up with some sick magic powers.” What I suggest doing (and again I am the expert. I have a blog after all) is using good old fashioned blackmail. But how does one even blackmail a local village mystic? I’m glad you asked! The trick is to catch them in the act of using magic in a place or circumstance where they are not supposed to be using magic such as say, a high-stakes poker game or an American Idol audition. Then you need to stash a hard copy of that information somewhere to avoid those pesky memory erasing spells. With any luck you’ll be able to leverage this intel in exchange for some nifty magical based super powers. Either that or you’ll incur the wrath of your local village mystic and you’ll have made an ultra- powerful magical enemy for yourself. Maybe even your very first nemesis! That’s almost as exciting as superpowers! If none of these methods appeal to you can always choose to simply fight crime and save lives without superpowers. It’s not like anybody’s gonna laugh at you for not having superpowers while you’re saving their lives or preventing crimes. That would be so rude! If you do choose to go down the butt-kicking-normal-powerless-dude route you’re going to need something else to give you an advantage over the criminal scum of the world. Many powerless crime fighters take up some form of martial art or advanced fighting technique. That’s all well and good but be warned, many karate instructors are quick to remind their students that karate is for self-defense only. Having to hear this every time you loudly and proudly announce your intentions to rid the city and/or the world of criminal scum can get quite annoying and tedious especially if you fully intend to ignore that advice and take the fight straight to the criminals anyway. To subvert this, we are attempting to raise money to open up our own dojo! If we can teach you nerds how to be superheroes on the internet we can definitely probably teach you martial arts on the outernet too. If you would like to support the construction of the “Take the Fight Straight To the Criminal Scum Dojo” please, send us money. [Note from our lawyers: This is a scam do not send money] (Note from us: we’re just legally required to write that, by all means ignore it, send us money.) Other powerless heroes choose to illegally acquire military grade weapons and just shoot criminals. The authors of this guide do not condone the actions of these so called “heroes” and suggest that you just send us money for our dojo instead. Well, now that you’ve either got superpowers, deadly radiation poisoning or, a super powerful magic wielding enemy all of your own [we take no responsibility for any pain, harm or magic wielding super-enemies you incur from following this blog] you’re almost ready to go out and start stopping crimes (or stop starting crimes, I don’t know what your life was like before you came to me). #002 The Weird Factor If you’re at all considering becoming a superhero it’s important to be aware of not only the changes that will occur in your own life, but also the changes that will occur in the world at large. See for a superhero to emerge in the world is a pretty big frikkin’ dealio, especially if you’re the first. Maybe not if you’re like the 347th, then it’s probably a smaller frikkin’ dealio. But still a frikkin’ dealio nonetheless. All it takes is for one superhuman do-gooder to roll up to the club for the whole world to lose its collective mind and take one giant leap towards the strange and paranormal. This is something I like to call: The Weird Factor. Now, if you’re just going to go out and fight crime without first acquiring powers then this isn’t something you have to worry about much (also, maybe you’ll die). Usually when a costumed, powerless crime-fighter shows up nothing really changes. Maaaaybe you’ll get a few criminals taking up costumes and codenames too, but all that really means is that they’re going to start committing themed crimes based on their assumed identities. If anything, that just makes it easier to catch them. It’s not until someone starts shooting face lasers or being able to punch through the planet, that things get really crazy. The appearance of a certified, straight-up, super powered individual in the public spotlight creates a domino effect when it comes to the appearance of other out of the normal creatures and events. A mainstream superhero starts a superhuman arms race (side note: I’d be remiss if I didn’t take the time to mention now that the appearance of a mainstream mystic starts a supernatural charms race). Criminals, now realizing that attaining super powers is within the realm of possibility, start trying to acquire superhuman abilities of their own.
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