THE RINGER FKA BEST MAN, Inc. / THE GOLDEN TUX

by

Jeremy Garelick & Jay Lavender

GREEN REVISED - 10.22.13 YELLOW REVISED - 10.11.13 PINK REVISED - 10.1.13 BLUE REVISED - 9.17.13 WHITE SHOOTING SCRIPT - 8.27.13

Screen Gems Productions, Inc. 10202 W. Washington Blvd. Stage 6 Suite 4100 Culver City, CA 90232 GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 1

OVER BLACK A DIAL TONE...numbers DIALED...phone RINGING. SETH (V.O.) Hello? DOUG (V.O.) Oh hi, uh, Seth? SETH (V.O.) Yeah? DOUG (V.O.) It’s Doug. SETH (V.O.) Doug? Doug who? OPEN TIGHT ON DOUG Doug Harris... 30ish, on the slightly dweebier side of average.

1 REVEAL: INT. DOUG’S OFFICE - DAY 1 Organized clutter, stacks of paper cover the desk. Vintage posters/jerseys of Los Angeles sports legends adorn the walls- -ERIC DICKERSON, JIM PLUNKETT, KURT RAMBIS, STEVE GARVEY- DOUG You know, Doug Harris...Persian Rug Doug? SETH (OVER PHONE) Doug Harris! Of course. What’s up? DOUG (relieved) I know it’s been awhile, but I was calling because, I uh, have some good news...I’m getting married. SETH (OVER PHONE) That’s great. Congratulations. DOUG And, well, I was wondering if you might be interested in perhaps being my best man. GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 2

Dead silence. SETH (OVER PHONE) I have to be honest, Doug. This is kind of awkward. I mean, we don’t really know each other that well. DOUG Well...what about that in Carlsbad Caverns? SETH (OVER PHONE) That was a ninth grade field trip, the whole class went. No offense, Doug, but I really can’t help you on this one.

2 INT. DOUG’S OFFICE - LATER 2 Doug paces nervously, still on the phone... DOUG ...and truth be told, you’re the first person I thought of, so if it’s not too much trouble...I’d be honored if you’d be my best man. Dead silence. MATTHEW (OVER PHONE) I don’t know what to say, Doug. I really consider you more of an acquaintance. I mean, I didn’t even invite you to my wedding. DOUG That’s okay, you can’t invite everyone you want to. MATTHEW (OVER PHONE) Actually, we invited pretty much everybody we’ve ever known. We had like four hundred guests. DOUG Huh.

3 INT. DOUG’S OFFICE - LATER 3 Doug stares out the window, still on the phone... GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 3

DOUG ...freshman year? Your roommate? THOMAS (OVER PHONE) Yeah, yeah. Of course. You sound great, man, you finally go to a speech therapist? DOUG No, that was Len Brophy, I was the other one...

4 INT. DOUG’S OFFICE - LATER 4 Doug sits on his desk, scrolls through his address book on his phone. Finds the number, takes a deep breath and dials on speakerphone... RECORDED VOICE We’re sorry. The number you have reached has been disconnected... Doug lowers his head, dejected--could it get any worse? And the desk COLLAPSES, sending Doug CRASHING to the ground! FADE TO BLACK.

MUSIC CUE AND ROLL OPENING CREDITS OVER:

5 CLOSE ON A PLATE BEING LOADED WITH ARTISTIC SALAD, WE FOLLOW5 THE PLATE TO THE WAITER’S TRAY, AND THE TRAY MOVING INTO...

THE RECEPTION HALL OF A BLOWOUT WEDDING (WEDDING #1) 300 guests, on the dance floor, dancing exuberantly, mouthing the words (NOTE: Something like--I Gotta Feeling), and following all the moves of- THE BEST MAN, JIMMY CALLAHAN 30ish, handsome, with MOUSTACHE and SMALL FRO (disguise #1) he leads them all- *Jimmy gives a point and grin to ANDREW, THE GROOM, as Andrew spins his , GINA... *Jimmy jumps and dances with a group of elated OLD LADIES. *Jimmy gets the nod from a CUTE , as she starts dancing backwards towards him, ass bouncing. GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 4

Around the dancing, $2500 floral centerpieces, lights strung everywhere. The dancing and music FADES INTO DINNER... WAITERS on autopilot removing half-eaten salads... JIMMY (O.S.) ...remember, a woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. LAUGHTER rolls through the room as we settle on Jimmy, winks at Gina the bride, nods at Andrew the groom- JIMMY (cont’d) Seriously, though. Let me tell you about a conversation Andrew and I had one morning as we watched the sunrise over the Grand Canyon. We were talking about true love and “The One.” I was saying that our true match exists somewhere and the goal of life is finding her. (shrugs) I’ve always been a bit of a hopeless romantic... Jimmy pauses, takes a deep breath. Not a sound in the house, not even forks clinking. Jimmy glances at a CUTE BRIDESMAID, hanging on every word. Turns back to Andrew- JIMMY (cont’d) But like always, Andrew was the rational one. He said "The One" was a farce created by musicians and . So after about ten minutes of debating true love we went back to discussing Frank Lloyd Wright & our other favorite architects and neither of us ever brought up "The One" again... Jimmy glances back at the Cute Bridesmaid who sighs and smiles. Locks eyes with her- JIMMY (cont’d) Until last December. My cell rings one night, it's Andrew. He says, “Remember when I said there's no such thing as The One? I was so wrong, man. Her name's Gina Baker. She doesn't know it yet, but I'm gonna marry her.” GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 5

The room breaks into AWWWS & APPLAUSE. Gina & Andrew kiss. JIMMY (cont’d) (smiling) And I knew at that moment that this Gina Baker was the luckiest girl in the world. But after getting to know you over the past few days and as I look at you , Gina. I know at this moment, Andrew’s the luckiest guy in the world. Because I know you both have found The One. The women melt. Gina wipes away a tear. Jimmy turns and locks eyes with Andrew--shrugs--what else can I say? JIMMY (cont’d) (raising his glass) A . To the Groom, my best friend, and your lovely new wife. Here's to happily ever after... The ROOM ERUPTS IN APPLAUSE. The best friends embrace. Cameras flashing. The VIDEOGRAPHER moves in for the victory shot as the DJ strikes up a SONG-

6 INT. RECEPTION HALL - BACK TABLE - LATER (WEDDING #1) 6 Jimmy sits with the Cute Bridesmaid, doe-eyed & tipsy. CUTE BRIDESMAID That was the sweetest thing...I have ever heard in my entire life. Jimmy takes her hand, holds it to his . JIMMY When it comes from here, it just flows. The Cute Bridesmaid fiddles with his bow-tie. CUTE BRIDESMAID So are you still the hopeless romantic? JIMMY Maybe not...hopeless. Jimmy leans in to kiss her. ANDREW (O.S.) Can I speak to you for a moment? GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 6

Andrew walks up smiling as Jimmy pulls back.

7 INT. HALL KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER (WEDDING #1) 7 Jimmy snags a couple of chocolate tuxedo-strawberries. Faces Andrew. Their last moment together as boys. ANDREW I don’t even know what to say. Did you see their faces? It was incredible, everyone was smiling- JIMMY Look, I wanna try and tag that ass before she passes out so if you could- Andrew pulls out an envelope and hands it to Jimmy who immediately tears it open with his teeth. ANDREW So, um, I guess that’s it, huh? JIMMY You know the rules. ANDREW I know, but I thought...I thought we might have...hit it off, maybe? Jimmy shakes his head as he licks chocolate off his fingers. JIMMY Look. You’re a good kid. But a deal’s a deal. No contact after final payment- (off Andrew’s stare) Unless... it’s for your second wedding- Pulls out a CASHIER’S CHECK- TWENTY THOUSAND DOLLARS payable to THE BEST MAN, INC. Jimmy pockets the check. Grins at Andrew. GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 7

JIMMY (cont’d) Shoulda charged you more, kid. You got the real deal tonight. In the zone, bro. In the zone. Jimmy socks Andrew on the arm, adjusts his tie.

8 EXT. BANQUET HALL - NIGHT (WEDDING #1) 8 Guests HOLD SPARKLERS overhead as Andrew and Gina run through them, climb into the limo. Cameras FLASH, people CHEER...

9 THE FAR CORNER OF THE PARKING LOT (WEDDING #1) 9 Jimmy eats from his hand, the Cute Bridesmaid on his arm, as he leads her to A VINTAGE STRETCH LIMO. Flashes strobe the night behind them. He’s carrying her heels, might as well be carrying her too... CUTE BRIDESMAID When I get married, I want an outdoor wedding. Do you like outdoor ? JIMMY Outdoor, indoor. I love 'em all. Jimmy helps her into the back of the limo. The driver, OTIS, 30’s, 6’ and black, holding open the door...

10 INT. LIMO - MOMENTS LATER 10 Otis hops in up front, looks back from the wheel- OTIS (getting in) Where to boss? JIMMY (smiles) Just drive, Otis. Just drive. Otis grins, raises his divider window and turns on our opening credits song. As Jimmy takes her in his arms, he rolls out... OPENING CREDITS END AND WE DISSOLVE TO: GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 8

11 TIGHT ON DOUG 11 Staring forward, catatonic. Thinner and paler than before. Only sound we hear is the POUNDING BEAT of his heart, then- GRETCHEN (O.S.) Well, Mom and I narrowed it down to the silver tulle Tussy Mussy... Sweat beads on Doug’s forehead. As he wipes it away-

REVEAL: WE’RE INSIDE A ’S OFFICE - DAY Doug’s surrounded by his fiancée GRETCHEN PALMER, 32, a cute blonde, her WASPY stern mother LOIS, 50’s, and burly bear of a father, ED, 65...walking through tables displaying an ARRAY of WEDDING ACCOUTREMENTS... GRETCHEN (cont’d) ...which is a silver plate replica of an actual 1915 Texan Tussy Mussy... Gretchen points to a nearly identical Tussy Mussy- GRETCHEN (cont’d) Or we have the Tres Beau. With the goldia floral etching enhanced with a smoked-silver tone. ED PALMER Does anyone else feel really gay right now? LOIS PALMER Ed! GRETCHEN So honey, which one do you like? Doug stares down at all the wedding paraphrenalia--HEART POUNDING, it all BLURS, tries to focus on three Tussy Mussies before him, all look exactly the same- DOUG Um...I like this one. The Texas. LOIS PALMER But that’s so common. GRETCHEN Let’s go with the Tres Beau. GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 9

EDMUNDO (O.S.) Oh, Tres Beau Tussy Mussy! EDMUNDO REGAL, 30’s, the flamboyant Latino wedding planner, enters with his PRESENTATION BOARDS- EDMUNDO (cont’d) Fabulous! ED PALMER Christ, somebody kill me. I’ll be outside. As Ed walks out, and Edmundo sets up his presentation boards-- invitations, menus, centerpieces...Doug takes in the overwhelming volume, unsettling him even more... EDMUNDO (off a presentation board) Let’s see here. I have everything I need for the ... ONE PRESENTATION BOARD: 8 BRIDESMAIDS photos pinned beneath typed names. Next to each name--personal bios and every possible measurement a woman could have... EDMUNDO (cont’d) (off an empty board) But...I am still waiting for the rest of the groomsmen’s information. Edmundo looks up at Doug, concerned- GRETCHEN (surprised) Wait-what? You told me you’d gotten in touch with all the groomsmen- DOUG No-no, I know. See I did, well I sent emails but then what happened was, you know how guys are and... (clears throat) I’m just waiting to hear from them. GRETCHEN Honey, I know how busy you are, but our wedding’s in ten days! LOIS PALMER Can’t your best man help take care of this? GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 10

EDMUNDO It is usually the best man’s responsibility to assist you in collecting the measurements... Doug grows dizzier- DOUG Right, see I tried that but Bic... Bic’s still in El Salvador- LOIS PALMER Well I sure hope he’s in LA next week- DOUG He’ll be here. (nervous laugh) You kidding? He’s totally going to be here. EDMUNDO Look. You guys don’t need any extra stress so if you’d like, I can contact... (reads off sheet) Mr. Dickerson, Mr. Rambis, and Mr. Garvey... (frowns, keeps reading) I mean, it would be a shame if Mr. Carew, Mr. Plunkett, or Mr. Drysdale, Mr. Alzado... Doug’s world starts to spin, puts a hand on Lois for balance- DOUG (incoherent) Much to decide just out for a breath of- Doug BLACKS-OUT--and his hand grabs Lois’ blouse, RIPPING IT OFF AS HE FALLS...LOIS LEFT STANDING IN HER BRA!

12 INT. WEDDING PLANNER’S KITCHEN - MINUTES LATER 12 Doug sits slumped against the wall, opens his eyes. Edmundo hands Doug a glass of water- EDMUNDO Unless you’re planning to run, you’re backing yourself into a tight corner. GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 11

DOUG I don’t know what you’re implying- EDMUNDO Douglas. Three out of seven of your groomsmen are Hall of Famers. Edmundo eyes him accusingly. Doug sags, nailed. DOUG She’ll leave me, I know it. Please, you’re not going to tell are you? EDMUNDO She’s going to find out soon enough- Doug elbows the wall in frustration. EDMUNDO (cont’d) Why didn’t you say something to me earlier? DOUG I just, well...look. Ever since I proposed, I’ve been on a bullet train. I haven’t slept in months, I can’t hold anything down. I’m losing weight. (beat) I just want her to be happy. EDMUNDO The truth is always the best. DOUG What if the truth isn’t an option? Edmundo folds his arms, contemplates the situation- EDMUNDO Well, then there’s only one other thing...

13 EXT. ARNIE’S WORLD OF FUN - PARKING LOT - MORNING 13 A massive entertainment complex--batting cages, go-kart tracks, mini-golf, climbing wall, arcades... Doug parks his top of the line Mercedes, gets out- GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 12

14 EXT. ARNIE’S WORLD OF FUN - CONTINUOUS 14 LOU, 80’s, on a HANDICAPPED SCOOTER follows Doug--who stops, looks back at him, then continues walking--Lou follows. Doug speeds up, so does Lou... The CLATTER of batted balls echoing. Doug walks past various BATTERS swinging away, MINI-GOLF...

15 EXT. ARNIE’S WORLD OF FUN - CASHIER - CONTINUOUS 15 Doug still followed by Lou on the scooter approaches the outdoor cashier. Otis, the Navigator driver, sits behind the desk wearing a ARNIE’S WORLD OF FUN STAFF shirt- OTIS Hey Lou, knock that shit off! Lou drives away. DOUG Excuse me, I was wondering how I, uh, get to the basement? Otis gives Doug a quick glance-over-

16 INT. ARNIE’S WORLD OF FUN - - MOMENTS LATER 16 Doug follows Otis nervously past various arcades, pin- machines, etc... Otis leads him to a hallway, and nods to a door marked EMPLOYEES ONLY...Doug hesitates, confused, Otis just stares at him, and Doug goes to the door...

17 INT. BASEMENT STEPS - MOMENTS LATER 17 Doug walks down a staircase, old sports posters and paraphernalia on the walls. He stops and notes an ODD PHOTO of a man holding his child outside a train, peeing...

18 INT. BASEMENT TUNNEL - MOMENTS LATER 18 Doug wanders through a tunnel...he spots A TAPED ARROW labeled TBM INC on the wall. He continues on through the tunnel to a DOOR STENCILED with TBM INC. Tries the handle--locked. GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 13

Notices a DOORBELL, presses it...waits a beat. The door BUZZES, he takes a breath and opens it. His jaw drops as he looks...

19 INT. BEST MAN INC - RECEPTION - CONTINUOUS 19 Refurbished as an office waiting area replete with shag carpeting & wedding-themed decor. DORIS JENKINS, 60’s, black, sits at the receptionist’s desk staring at the awestruck Doug- DORIS Can I help you? Doug stares dumbfounded at the room- DOUG Yeah, uh, I was wondering if...I’m looking for a Jimmy Callahan? DORIS Who sent you, The Goose? DOUG Uh, no. Edmundo. DORIS Well welcome to The Best Man, Inc. OFF his look-

20 INT. BEST MAN INC - JIMMY’S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER 20 Bookshelves lined with wedding books, the walls completely covered with dozens of WEDDING team photos. Doug looks over the various photos--Jimmy’s appearance is altered slightly in each one... JIMMY (O.S.) So Edmundo sends you to find the Oracle...what can for you? Bewildered, Doug turns to see Jimmy,(moustache & fro are gone) he goes to make a drink- DOUG Well...I guess I have a few questions, I mean, how does, how do- what exactly do you do? Jimmy walks over to the desk- GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 14

JIMMY I provide best man services for men like yourself who may be lacking in such areas. DOUG So I’m not alone? JIMMY Alone? I run a highly profitable business thanks to guys like you. Jimmy motions for Doug to sit, he does- JIMMY (cont’d) Seriously. Some pencil dick kid at Cornell University with waaaay too much time on his hands recently confirmed the number of “real” friends an average American has, and we’re not talking phony fuckin’ “FACEBOOK” friends here we’re talking “they know where your porn is stashed” kinda friends, dropped from 3 to 2 since 1985. DOUG Really?! Well, I don’t have any. JIMMY That means somebody else must have theirs and yours too. Doug looks confused, but Jimmy’s on a roll. JIMMY (cont’d) How many weddings you think there were in the U.S. last year? (off Doug’s shrug) 2.4 mil, pal. That’s 2.4 million grooms. You think every one of them has someone to be their best man? It’s why we’re never shocked to see a groom’s father stand up as his best man. Can you imagine a woman asking her mother to be her maid of honor? DOUG I had no idea people like you existed. GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 15

JIMMY Like an angel bro, you only see me when you need to. Doris walks in, holding a pressed dark - DORIS You should leave soon. She hangs the suit on a hook on the door, heads back out- JIMMY Beth Shalom? DORIS Beth Yermeyahu and traffic’s gonna be a bitch. Doris exits and closes the door. Jimmy moves to the suit- JIMMY Why do they always schedule these things at lunch time? He drops his pants... JIMMY (cont’d) So what’d you tell your fiancée? DOUG I told her I had someone. Jimmy puts on the suit pants... JIMMY The Norton Winchell. (off Doug’s look) The Imaginary Friend Cover. That’s an amateur move. Very common. Jimmy takes off his t-shirt, buttons up the shirt... JIMMY (cont’d) Your parents, they in on it? DOUG You don’t need to worry about them- JIMMY Why? They protesting the ? DOUG They passed away several years ago- GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 16

JIMMY (snap-points) Perfect. So we talking large wedding or small? DOUG Large. JIMMY Social pages or family style? DOUG Social- JIMMY Hancock Park, Bel Air, Palisades? DOUG Downtown, Millennium Biltmore. **** Finished changing, Jimmy sits at his desk. JIMMY Alright. Pulls a LAMINATED PAGE out of a drawer. Slides it across the counter to Doug. JIMMY (cont’d) My packages break down like this: your basic Single Wing Ringman. You get me as your best man just for the wedding day. (off his look) Now if you need me there for an entire weekend of festivities, you need the The Bronze Bow-tie... (flips page) And if you’re really fucked, you’ll want The Silver Cufflink--which includes everything from the Bronze Bow-tie plus up to three additional groomsmen to help balance out the bridesmaids. For an extra grand, I’ll throw you a little Bachelor Party tailored to you. Doug stares at the laminated sheet. Jimmy opens a leather folder and reviews its contents... JIMMY (cont’d) So you got shutout on the best man front, how you doing on groomsmen? GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 17

DOUG Not so good. JIMMY Not so good as in need one, two...? DOUG Seven. Jimmy looks up from the folder- JIMMY Seven?!? “Not so good”? Bro, you’re fucked. What’d you tell your lady? DOUG I uh...Norton Winchelled her. JIMMY You Norton Winchelled eight times? Doug shrugs. Jimmy leans back, scrutinizes him- JIMMY (cont’d) Then we’re talking about...DORIS! DOUG What? What is it? JIMMY **** Kid needs a Golden Tux. **** DORIS **** That’s impossible. **** DOUG **** Please- **** JIMMY **** No way. It’s not on our catalogue **** for a reason. Too many moving **** parts, too much can go wrong. **** DOUG **** But you have a name for it. **** JIMMY **** I got a name for a horse with a **** horn coming out of its head, it’s **** called a unicorn. That doesn’t mean **** I can get one for you. **** DORIS **** When’re you getting married? **** GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 17A

DOUG **** A week from Saturday. **** JIMMY **** A WEEK FROM SATURDAY?!? **** Doris snort laughs- DORIS Good luck with that one. And walks out. Jimmy checks his watch- GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 18

JIMMY I’m not sure what Edmundo told you, pal, but I don’t do miracles.

21 EXT. ARNIE’S WORLD OF FUN - PARKING LOT - MOMENTS LATER 21 Jimmy walks towards his car Doug follows, desperate. DOUG She’ll leave me. She’ll call the whole thing off. I need your help- JIMMY You’re talking about uncharted territory, here. No one’s ever even asked me for a Golden Tux. And in less than 2 weeks? Well, I don’t need that kinda pressure. I got a nice job, a nice business- DOUG I don’t care how much it costs, I need a Golden Tux! Jimmy stops at his vintage Chevelle convertible, eyes Doug- JIMMY You sure she’s worth it, pal? DOUG Look, a guy like me doesn’t land a girl like her. So I lied about having lots of friends. Never did I think she’d like me...much less agree to marry me. I am marrying a girl that all my life I never would have thought would’ve looked at me twice, and I’m marrying her. What’s a little white lie in the face of that? Help me, Jimmy...I love this girl-

22 INT. JIMMY'S CHEVELLE - DRIVING - MINUTES LATER 22 Jimmy steers with his knees, dangerously fast, adjusts his tie in the rearview, Doug nervous in the passenger seat- GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 19

JIMMY If this was a small-town small-time fam & friends straight-off-the-rack Single Wing Ringman Thing, we might have a chance. But two weeks in the heart of wedding to prep a Biltmore Social Pages Golden Tux Fiesta...it’s not gonna be cheap. DOUG Money’s not an issue. Jimmy reaches into the backseat, opens up an ORANGE TACKLE BOX--fingers through mustaches, hair-dye bottles, make-up, various glasses... JIMMY I mean a Silver Cufflink will run you about twenty grand. DOUG And a Golden Tux? ...pulls a pair of horned-rim glasses, puts them on- JIMMY Good question. Jimmy SCREECHES into a CEMETERY PARKING LOT- JIMMY (cont’d) (offering one to Doug) Yarmulke?

23 INT. BETH YERMEYAHU CEMETERY CHAPEL - MOMENTS LATER 23 WE MOVE from FACE to FACE down a row of MOURNERS...stop on Doug sitting among them wearing a black yarmulke. RABBI LIPSCOMB Abraham buried his wife, and then founded a school. The end is a beginning. Selah bereshit. (a long pause) As many of you know, Stuart’s family was actively involved in Operation Moses, and getting the Ethiopian Jews to safety in 1984. That is how Stuart met his future best friend, and at this time I’d like to call him to say a few words- GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 19A

Jimmy, yarmulke & horn-rimmed glasses (Disguise #2), walks down the aisle, nodding respectfully at the relatives and friends of the deceased. Tosses a somber glance at Doug and takes the podium, fighting back tears... GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 20

JIMMY I’m sorry. Takes a sip of water. Blows his nose. Composes himself. JIMMY (cont’d) Just five short years ago, I spoke at Stuart’s wedding...I never expected... (more tears) To be speaking so soon at his . But like Rabbi Lipscomb said... (nods at the Rabbi) “Men plan and God laughs.” The Rabbi nods back. Jimmy eyes the mourners sympathetically. JIMMY (cont’d) I’ve never lost a husband or a sibling or a child or a parent. But today, I know for what it feels like to have lost a best friend. And it hurts. (looks away) It really hurts. Doug bows his head. JIMMY (cont’d) Stu was my lighthouse in the storm. My symbol of safety, my beacon of strength. Not only did his family save mine from starvation and certain death in Ethiopia...the guy **** taught me the killer crossover, the quadratic equation and even the . A few people CHUCKLE in the crowd. JIMMY (cont’d) Whether it was a joke or a picture he emailed me, or a phone call every time the Pirates beat the Mets, Stu was always there. But last November, he called me with something more serious. He talked to me about regret. And he told me the following. Jimmy eyes STUART’S WIFE sitting in the front row. GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 21

JIMMY (cont’d) He told me there were dreams he hadn’t realized, goals he hadn’t accomplished, things he’d wanted to do that would probably never be done...but that none of that mattered. Because he told me he had found the only thing that really mattered to him in the world. (smiles) His wife Pam. And he told me that each day he spent with her gave him enough happiness for a lifetime. So even though he was dying young by some people’s standards, his soul had already lived for centuries. The entire congregation smiles through their tears. JIMMY (cont’d) Stuart caught the early train but he’s still with us. He’s up there making sad angels laugh, giving the hopeless angels hope...and when our time comes, he’ll be waiting at the gates with a big hug and a smile. Jimmy nods in respect as everyone smiles and CLAPS...

24 EXT. BETH YERMEYAHU CEMETERY PARKING LOT - LATER 24 Mourners scatter. Doug waits by the Chevelle, watching Jimmy console Stuart’s wife. STUART’S WIFE Thank you so much, Hank. JIMMY Of course. STUART’S WIFE He talked about you all the time. JIMMY He was my boy. She hugs him tightly. Jimmy waits to be let go.

25 NEXT TO JIMMY’S CHEVELLE - MOMENTS LATER 25 Jimmy hops in the car, Doug gets in- GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 22

DOUG (fumbling) Look, uh, I had no idea-I’m sorry this could’ve waited- Jimmy sets the parking brake, opens the convertible top- JIMMY Don’t worry about it. DOUG I just-you had so many great things to say about him-he must’ve been a great guy. JIMMY Reinsdorf was a soulless douchebag. You buy a Golden Tux, bitch, and I’ll say nice things at your funeral too. Jimmy gasses it--they peel away.

26 INT. JIMMY’S CHEVELLE - ARNIE’S WORLD OF FUN - PARKING LOT 26 Jimmy pulling into the lot, Doug staring forward stunned, trying to process everything. JIMMY And for another hundred bucks, I’ll throw in cards, birthday calls. And if you croak within seven years of said wedding... DOUG You’re serious? JIMMY Serious as paint. Jimmy pulls into the next to Doug’s Mercedes. Throws it in park, eyes Doug, then the Mercedes... JIMMY (cont’d) That yours? GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 23

DOUG Yeah... JIMMY Nice. Okay, first off...if I do this, you need to understand--this is strictly a business relationship. You aren’t buying a new friend, you’re hiring a Best Man. Clients sometimes blur that line- DOUG I don’t need a friend. I need a best man. JIMMY Fifty grand. DOUG Okay. JIMMY Plus expenses. DOUG Fine. Jimmy eyes Doug--didn’t expect him to agree that easily- JIMMY Who’s officiating? DOUG Father O’Brien. JIMMY Never heard of him. DOUG Her family’s priest. JIMMY So what’s my name? DOUG Excuse me? JIMMY My name, you made up a name, right? DOUG Oh, uh, Bic Mitchum- GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 24

JIMMY What do I wear a cape? (ALT) Bic Mitchum.... (nods, extends his hand) Well then, Doug Harris, allow me to introduce myself. I’m Bic Mitchum, your Best Man. They shake. DOUG It’s great to finally meet you. JIMMY (smiles) Bullshit, it’s great to . Doug keeps shaking Jimmy’s hand. DOUG Thank you. Thank you so much. JIMMY Okay. (beat) Let go of me, man. Doug lets go, nods excited- DOUG So what do we do now? JIMMY You get some rest and take care of those bags under your eyes. It took God seven days to create the world, Doug. I’ve got less time to do much more. I gotta go find you some fuckin friends. And I mean Pronto... Tonto.

27 INT. GRETCHEN’S APARTMENT - BEDROOM - NIGHT 27 Trendy decor. Doug, wearing only a t-shirt & boxers, whistles to himself as he puts the finishing touches on a couple of hot fudge sundaes, hidden on the far side of the bed... Gretchen, in a t-shirt and underwear, finishes washing her face in the bathroom... GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 25

GRETCHEN At least Edmundo was able to reschedule the new salad dressing tasting to tomorrow. We’re barely a week away and there’s still so much left to do... Gretchen walks out of the bathroom to find Doug lying on the bed next to a tray with the sundaes, cherries and whip cream. GRETCHEN (cont’d) Doug, what’re you doing? DOUG Oh...I don’t know. Just thought, maybe we’d have a little ice cream. And then some dessert. Gretchen gives him an odd glance- GRETCHEN Honey, are you okay? DOUG Chocolate fudge with sprinkles. Your favorite. Gretchen can’t help but smile... GRETCHEN That’s not . You know I’m trying to lose another four pounds. Doug takes the cap off the whip cream- DOUG You look beautiful just the way you are. And besides, it’s all low carb, gluten free and free. Gretchen sits next to Doug, he feeds her a spoonful- GRETCHEN Mmm. That tastes good. DOUG I got you something else... Doug rolls over, grabs a BOX, and rolls back. Gretchen smiles- GRETCHEN Oh, - She opens them...INSIDE ARE TWO PEARL EARRINGS... GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 26

DOUG I remembered when we watched The Girl With The Pearl Earring, and you said how pretty her earring was, so I had it remade, you know, as a pair. GRETCHEN You are so sweet. Gretchen smiles, touched, then notices the MUSIC playing in the background- GRETCHEN (cont’d) Is that Ingrid Michaelson? Doug raises an eyebrow and whispers into her ear- DOUG You know...there is one way we could alleviate your stress. GRETCHEN (giggling) That’s so not fair, no teasing! DOUG I know we agreed to the “no making love for the last month” rule, but- (kisses her again) I’d like to request a temporary stay of the ban. GRETCHEN You know I’d love to baby, but the article said this will enhance our emotional reunification... DOUG I know...but perhaps we should waive it just for a night to make sure everything’s... still working? GRETCHEN Doug, you know this is difficult for me too. But, I’m willing to make the necessary sacrifice to make sure our wedding night is perfect. You understand, don’t you? Gretchen leans in and kisses him on the forehead. GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 27

28 EXT. ARNIE’S WORLD OF FUN - BATTING CAGES - THE NEXT MORNING28 A BATTING COACH, 30’s, FITZGIBBONS, holds a cigarette and a can of beer while “instructing” a black 10-YEAR-OLD, swinging and missing every pitch. 10-YEAR-OLD You suck, coach. I can’t hit shit. FITZGIBBONS THE BATTING COACH Just keep your eye on the ball, little fucker. (swigs) And you expect this to cover what you owe me, Jimmy? Jimmy leans against the cage- JIMMY Fitzy, c’mon. You’ll make four times what I owe you. FITZGIBBONS THE BATTING COACH And you’re sure I’ll get laid? I haven’t gotten any since I got out. I’m dying here, man. I’m fucking drying up. My testicles look like California Raisins. It’s awful. 10-YEAR-OLD (swings, misses) My mama ain’t payin you to talk to your loser friends. Fitzgibbons regards Jimmy for a beat. Then gently nudges the kid who tips over the plate--OOFFF!--gets plunked with a pitch in the side. 10-YEAR-OLD (cont’d) OWWWW!!!

29 EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD STREET - LATER 29 LURCH, 30’s, white, wearing a Roto-Rooter uniform, is detailing a ROTO-ROOTER VAN. LURCH Brentwood? JIMMY Biltmore. Hal Lane orchestra... GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 28

LURCH (eyes light up) Oh man, Hal Lane’s the best... JIMMY I know. LURCH ...But I promised Marci I’d get out of the game. Her old man hooked me up with this job. JIMMY What job? Washing his van? LURCH I’m an apprentice. I take care of his van while I’m learning to plumb- JIMMY Come on, Lurch- LURCH What? JIMMY Look at me and tell me you don’t miss it! OFF Lurch’s look.

30 INT. AIRPORT - SECURITY - LATER 30 REGGIE, A TSA AGENT, 30’s, black, with a massive untamed fro, stands behind a METAL DETECTOR, waving PASSENGERS through... REGGIE (waves a BALD GUY on) Alright. You’re good. A MAN WITH A TURBAN, hate flashing in his eyes, steps up- REGGIE (cont’d) You’re good. An ATTRACTIVE TRAVELER steps up- GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 29

REGGIE (cont’d) Excuse me, ma’am. I’m gonna need you to step over here. Reggie has the woman step aside- REGGIE (cont’d) Alright hold up. Lift your arms up. Reggie starts patting her down, around her ass... REGGIE (cont’d) Turn around. (smiles) We may need you to do a cavity search. ATTRACTIVE TRAVELER (opens her mouth) I just got a filling at the dentist- REGGIE How ‘bout I give you another filling, sweetie? She turns around- JIMMY (O.S.) C’mon Reg, you’re better than this. REVEAL: Jimmy watching...Reggie looks back to the woman- REGGIE You can go. JIMMY We need you, Reggie. REGGIE Who catering this gig? JIMMY The . REGGIE Wolfgang? JIMMY No, Hockey Puck. Yeah Wolfgang idiot- That gets Reggie’s attention, he looks over- GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 29A

REGGIE All they got up in here is Cinnabon. I’ve had Cinnabon for breakfast, lunch, and dinner for the past six months...I’m in. OFF Jimmy’s smile- CUT TO: GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 30

31 TIGHT ON A NEBBISHY ACCOUNTANT TYPE’S FACE 31 BRONSTEIN Doug and I met at Camp Wampacheepi when we were twelve. We used to sneak out at night to hunt for bullfrogs...damnit! I think I dropped a line-

REVEAL: INT. JIMMY’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Jimmy sits flanked by Lurch & Fitzgibbons The Batting Coach while Reggie video-tapes the . Doris sits in a folding chair taking notes. JIMMY No, you nailed it, Steiny. Always do. What about distractions, you got any party tricks? Bronstein smiles, then dislocates his shoulder- BRONSTEIN OWWWWWW!!! Jimmy and his guys stare in horror as Bronstein staggers to the wall and SLAMS his shoulder against it- BRONSTEIN (cont’d) (louder) AHHHHHH!!! Takes a step back and throws all his weight against the wall, knocking his shoulder back into socket. Turns with a grin- BRONSTEIN (cont’d) Eh???

32 INT. ARNIE’S WORLD OF FUN - ARCADE - MOMENTS LATER 32 A few MOMS stare as FIFTEEN GUYS in their late 20’s/early 30’s, pacing and muttering lines to themselves, Bronstein staggers out holding his shoulder in pain... DORIS (O.S.) ENDO! Doris beckons ENDO, 30’s, a real nut job, in the middle of doing a ridiculous acting warmup- GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 31

33 INT. JIMMY’S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER 33 Where Endo stands nervously- ENDO Real pleasure to be here Jimmy. Always wanted to work with you- JIMMY Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, what’s your monologue? ENDO I prepared the scene from Titanic when Jack tries to save from jumping off the side of- JIMMY Whoa... hold up. We specifically said a monologue, not a scene. ENDO Well, I just thought- LURCH (interrupting) I could read the part of Rose- And OFF Jimmy glaring at Lurch...

34 INT. JIMMY’S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER 34 They stare at KIP, 30’s, gorgeous male model. Jimmy glances over his resumé. KIP As you can see I’ve appeared in several soap operas. JIMMY Right. So did you prepare anything? Kip pulls off his shirt revealing a ripped body. Jimmy trades glances with his guys, all trying not to be impressed. JIMMY (cont’d) So uh, I guess...any party trick distractions? Kip stares dumbly for a beat. Then his eyes light up and he starts flexing his pecs alternating back-and-forth...The door bangs open and Otis charges in- GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 32

OTIS This is bullshit Jimmy. You promised me a spot on the team. JIMMY I’m sorry, man, this isn’t a straight up Single-Wing-Ringman Thing. I need you to drive. OTIS I’m sick of driving. I want in! JIMMY Look, O, I told you. You gotta have a party trick distraction and last I checked... you didn’t have one. OTIS And I told you I’ve been working on my talking backwards thing- JIMMY Yeah, well, no offense O but you’ve been saying that for three months- OTIS Months three for that saying been you’ve but O offense no well yeah. The guys stare at Otis for a beat. KIP That’s pretty fucking cool. OTIS (smug) Cool fucking pretty that’s. LURCH (spit-fire) How much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood? OTIS (even faster) Would chuck could chuck wood a if chuck chuck wood a could wood much how? JIMMY Okay, that’ll do. GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 33

OTIS Do that’ll okay. JIMMY Put a sock in it.

35 INT. EDMUNDO’S OFFICE - DAY 35 Doug & Gretchen stand with Edmundo and a handsome, black CATERER. A row of ceramic bowls filled with salad dressing line the table- GRETCHEN Here sweetie, try the Roquefort Buttermilk- Doug sips a spoonful of salad dressing. He PUCKERS, COUGHS and starts WHEEZING... DOUG Not bad...pretty good. GRETCHEN Really? It’s not too tangy? (to the caterer) Is there something a little less harsh? EDMUNDO You should try the Algonquin Ranch. It’s sweeter, yet maintains the kick of a California Butternut. I have some in the fridge. Ray, can you grab that- RAY All day, Edmundo. EDMUNDO You’re the best, Ray. Isn’t he the best? He’s the best. Ray. The Caterer disappears into the back. GRETCHEN (turns to Doug) So we’re all set for brunch tomorrow at my parents. DOUG Oh, hon, I thought I told you, I have to go to the office- GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 33A

GRETCHEN But Edmundo’s bringing over another round of appetizer samples. I can’t make the decision without you. DOUG Well, look, I was going to keep it a surprise...but it turns out Bic’s flying in tomorrow morning. GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 34

Edmundo glances at Doug, they share a look- GRETCHEN You’re kidding! That’s great! Bring him with you! DOUG (backpedaling) I don’t know--we have some things to take care of, he still needs to get measured for his suit- GRETCHEN No-no-no, it’ll be perfect. Bring Bic and he’ll give us his input. And-oh yeah, this is great-he can come on Monday with Alison and witness our ! DOUG But he... I...that might work but lunch, I don’t know, he’s got a lot to do- GRETCHEN Honey, he’s your best man and I’ve never met him. You have the rest of the day to run errands. You can’t tell me he’s flying in tomorrow and then not bring him to lunch, I’m dying to finally meet him. DOUG Well...okay. GRETCHEN I’m dying to finally meet all your friends! CUT TO:

35A INT. BEST MAN INC - JIMMY’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS 35A Jimmy watches Endo & Lurch on screen doing a scene from Titanic. ENDO (as Leo DiCaprio) Take my hand. I'll pull you in. GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 35

LURCH (as Kate Winslet) No! Stay where you are. I mean it. I'll let go... Endo looks at Lurch, tears in his eyes- JIMMY Jesus Christ. Doris opens the door, and Jimmy pauses it- DORIS Doug is on one. Something’s wrong- Jimmy grabs the phone- JIMMY (into phone) Tonto, what’s up? DOUG (OVER PHONE) We have a bit of a problem...

36 INT. DOUG’S CONDO - DAY 36 Doug opens the door--Jimmy strides in all-business, carrying a METAL SUITCASE into the very high end, fancy bachelor pad- JIMMY What the hell were you thinking? DOUG She cornered me- JIMMY In the future, if someone asks you something that boxes you in, you gotta . DOUG Boomerang? JIMMY Yeah. You respond with a question or a compliment. Questions work better with men, compliments better with women. So if I ask you where you first met Bic and we haven’t discussed it, you respond with...? DOUG You...uh, you’re very handsome? GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 36

JIMMY Thank you, Doug, but compliment the chicks, question the dudes. Got it? DOUG Sorry, yeah. I just get nervous- JIMMY Follow my lead. If they get missile lock on you, Multiply The Bullseye- DOUG You’re confusing me. JIMMY Throw out more targets. Random words distract them from the original question. Got it? (beat) Now we only got 18 hours to prep until brunch with the Palmers, let’s get to work.

37 INT. DOUG’S CONDO - KITCHEN - MINUTES LATER 37 Doug sits at the kitchen table watching Jimmy empty the metal suitcase--stacks of flash cards, legal pads, and recorder. Jimmy presses RECORD and- JIMMY We’ll start with the HW-2’s. The How-Where-Whats. The three basic questions that everyone I encounter as Bic will ask. How did we meet? Where’m I from? And what do I do? Even if we know nothing else, we can tread enough water to fake a stomach cramp and run away. So how did we meet? DOUG Freshman year, Stanford. JIMMY That means I’m smart? Damnit. So where am I from? DOUG I never said. JIMMY How bout North Dakota? You know anyone from North Dakota? (MORE) GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 37 JIMMY (cont'd) (off Doug’s shrug) Exactly. And what do I do? DOUG You’re in the military. JIMMY Atta boy, that’s good thinking. No address, no number. And women get off on that uniform shit. Gonna be like shooting fish in a barrel. DOUG Yeah, I uh, don’t think you’ll be shooting any fish in this barrel. JIMMY Yeah right. An Army boy best man not hitting on the bridesmaids? They’ll think I’m a homo- DOUG Yeah. Well actually... JIMMY Whoa! You made me a homo? DOUG Well not exactly. JIMMY Well what exactly? DOUG Bic Mitchum is actually Father Bic Mitchum. JIMMY What? DOUG You’re in the Army, but you’re a chaplain. JIMMY A chaplain? I’m a fuckin priest?

38 INT. DOUG’S CONDO - DEN - MOMENTS LATER 38 Doug follows Jimmy nervously as he scopes the place... GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 38

JIMMY (into recorder) Upscale bachelor... (off the decor) Rich. Jimmy opens the coat closet, checks it out, keeps moving... JIMMY (cont’d) (into recorder) Indications of slight anal- retentiveness, possible OCD... Jimmy takes in the DODGERS and KINGS MEMORABILIA on the walls, scans Doug’s old CD collection. JIMMY (cont’d) (into recorder) Big sports fan...Questionable taste in music.

39 QUICK SHOTS OF JIMMY DICTATING NOTES WHILE LOOKING THROUGH:39 The fridge...Doug’s DVD’s... JIMMY The JGL collection? DOUG What? JIMMY Big Joseph Gordon-Levitt fan? DOUG I like him. JIMMY How could you not? Jimmy looks on to magazines, medicine cabinet, sock drawer- CUT TO:

40 TIGHT ON A FLATTERING FRAMED PHOTO OF GRETCHEN 40 JIMMY (V.O.) Our queen bee. We don’t sell her, we don’t sell anybody. GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 39-40

REVEAL: INT. DOUG’S CONDO - HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS Framed photos lining the wall. Jimmy, still holding the recorder, grills Doug- JIMMY She smart? DOUG Very. JIMMY Job? DOUG Public relations. But took a leave to plan the wedding. Jimmy points to a PHOTO OF GRETCHEN & DOUG WITH HER FAMILY- JIMMY In-laws ask a lot of questions? DOUG They’re alright. I think Ed likes me. Lois, not so much. JIMMY What about grandma? Someone to worry about? DOUG No. Grandma’s a sweet old lady. Not entirely there. Jimmy notes ALISON in the photo...the most beautiful woman the world has ever seen, Jimmy stares- JIMMY (off Alison) And who is that? DOUG Gretchen’s sister, Alison. Maid of honor. She’s a speech therapist. JIMMY You had to go and make me a goddamn priest...while you were at it you might as well have told ‘em I got my dick shot off- Jimmy keeps walking, spots another photo and smiles- GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 39A

JIMMY (cont’d) Now those were the days. ANGLE ON THE FRAMED PHOTO: Right after Robert Horry’s game winning shot in the Western Conference finals of ‘02. DOUG I was there- JIMMY We were there. DOUG What? JIMMY All part of the prep. This’s the fun part. Making History. We gotta invent our past together. The details are key. DOUG Oh, so I, we...I get it. JIMMY It was after freshman year, I came to visit. Remember? We took the 63 bus to the Staples Center and scalped those tickets. DOUG That’s right! And then we snuck up to the box seats and that fat guy with the curly moustache- JIMMY Okay, that’s too much. DOUG You said the key was in the details. JIMMY Yeah, but you gotta remember The Rule of Five. (beat) Never go too far. You’re always safe with three details, four is pushing it. Five is too far. Five’ll bite you in the ass every goddamn time. GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 41

41 EXT. DOUG’S CONDO - BALCONY - SUNSET 41 Doug & Jimmy sit across from each other, chinese take-out on the table. Stack of flash cards in front of Jimmy, recorder capturing everything. DOUG ...Jill Abromowitz, freshman year. JIMMY Do you speak a foreign language? DOUG Oui, Francais. JIMMY Just answer the questions Tonto...

A MONTAGE OF PREPPING THROUGHOUT THE NIGHT

42 INT. DOUG’S CONDO - MORNING 42 They’ve both nodded off, flash cards everywhere. Jimmy wakes up, looks at his watch, and SMACKS Doug upside the head.

43 EXT. THE PALMERS’ LARGE SUBURBAN - DAY 43 Doug pulls up, bleary-eyed, sweating. Jimmy’s in shotgun wearing a priest’s collar and cargo pants (Disguise #3). Doug pounds a MONSTER Energy Drink... DOUG **** This is never gonna work. JIMMY We’ll be fine. Remember your **** compliments, Boomerang, Multiply **** The Bullseye. **** DOUG **** Right, Multiply The Bullseye, **** random words. Any specific random **** words? **** JIMMY **** Any random words. Just be yourself. **** DOUG But what if they start asking too much, you hardly know me- GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 41A

JIMMY That’s right. Except for the fact you prefer showers to baths, Pacman **** is your favorite superhero even **** though he’s not a superhero, you’re **** farsighted and nearsighted, you **** supinate, and prefer full moons to **** sunsets, you’re afraid of raccoons, **** love women’s basketball, iron your **** boxers, finished 3rd on the bar **** exam and will eat American but prefer cheddar. You’re against the designated hitter, believe in life after death and played the violin until you were nineteen... GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 42

Doug stares speechless at Jimmy as- JIMMY (cont’d) ...the same year you lost your virginity to Jill Abromowitz. Doug & Jimmy get out, Jimmy grabs flowers from the back. JIMMY (cont’d) Alright, let’s try and take this gradually. I’m the pro, follow my lead. Talk as little as you can. Short answers, don’t initiate conversation. Wi-Wo. DOUG Wi-Wo? JIMMY Wi-Wo. We’re in, we’re out. They reach the front door. JIMMY (cont’d) Wait, hold up. What’s your last name again? DOUG (freaked) What?!? Harris! Doug Harris! JIMMY Relax, I’m bustin’ your balls. Ring the bell...rookie.

44 INT. THE PALMERS’ HOME - DINING ROOM - LATER 44 Doug, Gretchen, Lois, Ed, Gretchen’s hot sister ALISON, 26, and GRANDMA, 90’s, sit enraptured as- JIMMY ...and woke up face down in a snowbank. Didn’t know where I was, not too sure who I was...I squinted to block the blinding sun and that’s when I saw him. LOIS PALMER Who? JIMMY Jesus? GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 43

GRETCHEN You saw Jesus? JIMMY Lord, I did. I saw Jesus in Mary’s arms in a nativity scene in front of St. ’s. And I wept. But they weren’t tears of pain--they were tears of joy, from having found the path. And from that moment forth, I dedicated my life to Our Lord Savior Jesus Christ- Everyone stares blankly at Jimmy. LOIS PALMER Amen? Jimmy nods appreciatively. Another beat of silence. ALISON (smelling bs) So...father...what made you choose the military? JIMMY Well...while some are called to serve God, others are called to serve their country. Those who’re called to serve both... are Army Chaplains. ED PALMER A priest in the military? That’s interesting. Let me ask you something, because I’m not that familiar with protocol... Do they have a don’t ask-don’t tell policy on child molesting? Ed LAUGHS at his own joke. GRETCHEN Dad!? JIMMY It’s okay. (chuckles) That’s a new one, Ed. Pretty good. GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 44

ED PALMER (chewing) Well, I try. TIME CUT TO:

45 THE KITCHEN DOOR SWINGS OPEN... 45 And Edmundo walks out carrying a crock pot full of chili. EDMUNDO (setting it down) Hot hot hot! Don’t touch. Okay, so if you opt against the Russian mushroom bisque, we can try a more rustic theme with this Chilean chili. As Edmundo sets the chili down, and drops one of his hot mitts. Alison leans over and picks it up for him... Jimmy can’t help glancing at her cleavage--she notices him sneaking a peak, he averts his eyes. Gretchen notices too, huh...shrugs it off- ALISON So where are you from, Bic? JIMMY Originally...North Dakota. LOIS PALMER No kidding! What town? JIMMY Henderson. ED PALMER I’ve never heard of Henderson. JIMMY It’s a very small town. ED PALMER Where is that in relation to Bismarck? JIMMY Are you familiar with North Dakota? LOIS PALMER Ed’s Uncle has a ranch up there. GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 45

Doug blanches, Jimmy quickly covers- JIMMY It’s on the opposite side of Bismarck. LOIS PALMER Bismarck’s in the middle. JIMMY Mrs. Palmer, people must say you look like Rita Hayworth all the time- LOIS PALMER Why thank you, Father. Doug shoots Jimmy a quick atta boy glance. ALISON So...Doug, when’s the last time you two saw each other? Doug freezes, stares at Alison dumbfounded, then- DOUG March? GRETCHEN (confused) March? JIMMY (jumping in) March is when I left, so let’s think. April before that I was in the Middle East--muffin juice, but that was after the summer I was in training--donkey spritzer--then I spent the other fall traveling so gosh, must’ve been three-four-six- seven years right Doug? Jimmy reaches for the crock pot of hot chili. GRETCHEN But Doug, I thought you saw Bic at the Vatican a couple of years ago. The rooms falls silent, everyone stares at Doug... DOUG I’m sorry, what? GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 46

GRETCHEN When you were in Rome. I thought you and Bic- Doug starts to panic- DOUG Yeah, yeah. That’s right. (gets more nervous) You left in March and before that-- red-hot-pussy-seltzer--got it. That’s right. Yup. Looks of confusion as SWEAT starts pouring down Doug’s face- GRETCHEN What was that? GRANDMA I think he said “red hot pussy seltzer.” GRETCHEN Why would you say that, Doug? Doug’s heart starts BEATING FAST--he’s having a meltdown- DOUG WHAT’S THIRTY FOUR TIMES TWELVE? Sweat beads trickling down Doug’s face--Jimmy “accidentally” dumps the crock pot on Doug who- DOUG (cont’d) AHHHHH!!! Jumps up from the table--knocking over the candle sticks. The tablecloth instantly catches FIRE- ED PALMER JESUS CHRIST! TIGHT ON: One of the candles rolling off the table into Grandma’s lap. Jimmy douses the tablecloth with his drink, crisis averted, everyone breathes a sigh of relief... And then: Flames WHOOSH up her Grandma’s sweater--she IGNITES- LOIS PALMER MOM!!! GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 47

GRETCHEN OH MY GOD!!! Grandma realizes she’s on fire, and starts to flail wildly. GRANDMA AHHHH! DOUG GRANDMA! Doug leaps, and tackles Grandma out of her chair. Frantically tears at her flaming sweater...

46 INT. HOSPITAL - EMERGENCY ROOM - WAITING AREA - LATER 46 Jimmy & Alison sit together. Doug’s a wreck, pacing nervously, chili stains all over his pants. Gretchen on her phone, texting... DOUG She caught fire so fast. ALISON She does go through like three cans of Aquanet a week. DOUG Bic, we should pray for her. Jimmy shoots a quick WTF glare at Doug as- JIMMY Of course. (bows his head) Dear Jesus, Divine Healer of the sick, we turn to you in this our time of illness. O comforter of the...burned. Alison eyes Jimmy as Doug watches nervously. JIMMY (cont’d) We place Grandma under your care and humbly ask that you restore her back to health just as you restored Moses and Noah and Abraham in the days of ole. And let us say... ALISON & JIMMY Amen. Alison sits back. Jimmy crosses himself, adds a hit and run. GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 48

ALISON I don’t remember Noah being sick. JIMMY You kidding? Forty days on that boat in the rain? All those animals. He was sick as a dog. ALISON Or two. JIMMY Huh? ALISON Pairs of- JIMMY Nice one. Jimmy eyes Alison, smiles, she smiles back...they hold the look. There’s a connection here. TIME CUT TO:

47 WAITING AREA - MOMENTS LATER 47 Ed walks out of the ER. Gretchen stands, Doug rushes over, panicked- DOUG What’d they say? Is she okay? Is she going to make it? ED PALMER (grim) Well...Gretchen, how do you like your Grandma? GRETCHEN (concerned) Why would you even ask me that? I love her-you know I do. What happened? ED PALMER No, I mean how do you like her? Medium, well-done... Ed lets out a gut-busting LAUGH. GRETCHEN Dad, you can be such an asshole. GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 49

ALISON But a very funny asshole. Alison winks at Jimmy. They both laugh. ED PALMER She has some minor burns. But, the doctor says she’s going to be fine. DOUG (relieved) Thank God. JIMMY Amen. DOUG I feel so awful- ED PALMER Shake it off. If you knew what the old lady says behind your back you’d’ve done it on purpose. But lemme say that was a helluva tackle for a tenderfoot. JIMMY Tenderfoot? Should’ve seen Douglas in college. He was one heckuva halfback. ED PALMER You played football, Doug? How come you never told me? I thought you were just a nerd fan? DOUG Well I didn’t exactly- (beat, modest) Just intramurals...made the all- campus team. ED PALMER No shit! (to Jimmy) I was an all-conference nose tackle. Half the team’s coming in for the wedding. How ‘bout a friendly game of two hand touch? Old-timers versus The Groomsmen? What do ya say? GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 50

JIMMY Really? Well, hmmm, quite an invitation, Ed, but the weekend’s already so packed, I’m afraid there might not be time- ED PALMER What’s wrong, Bic? Afraid of getting your asses kicked by some old timers? A second... and then a smile. JIMMY I don’t think so, pops!

47A INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER 47A Doug and Jimmy walk down the hallway, Doug rattled, Jimmy looks at him- JIMMY You alright? DOUG I don’t know. It sort of hit me back there-what we’re doing. JIMMY (nods) Stage One. After the first deception, the conscience becomes troubled. You’ll get used to it. (beat) Woulda been nice to know about the Vatican before lunch. DOUG I know, I’m sorry. I forgot. JIMMY But all things considered, not that bad for a Shotgun Intro. DOUG Not that bad? (laughs) I don’t know if you remember but about two hours ago, I set Gretchen’s grandmother on fire. GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 51

JIMMY Wrong!! We sacrificed grandma to protect the mission. DOUG But I feel terrible- JIMMY Feelings are irrelevant in the big con. What’s important is that our cover wasn’t blown. Every test we encounter will be the same-- pass/fail. As long as we pass, doesn’t matter how we do it. People **** believe because they have no reason **** not to. ****

48 EXT. ARNIE’S WORLD OF FUN - LATER 48 Doug and Jimmy walking in past the batting cages- DOUG You know, I still can’t believe they bought . Jimmy stops walking, turns to Doug- JIMMY People believe because they have no reason not to. But we’re gonna have to be at the top of our game--those people are sharp. We got a ton of prep to do if we’re gonna bring this one home... Jimmy leads Doug on to the tables... JIMMY (cont’d) Fellas! Look-who’s-herrrrreeeee! Our GROOMSMEN--Fitzgibbons The Batting Coach, Lurch, Reggie, Bronstein, Kip, Otis, and Endo...they look like the crew from Cuckoo’s Nest- They look up from their pizza and beer- FITZGIBBONS THE BATTING COACH Dougie!!! You look great! REGGIE You lose weight? GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 51A

ENDO You had to lose weight- Doug freezes up, overwhelmed as the groomsmen approach, patting him on the back, pumping his hand... GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 52

JIMMY Fellas, ease up, calm down. Give’m some room, let’m breathe... DOUG Who are these people? Why are they talking to me like they know me, I- JIMMY Relax, Tonto. Meet your groomsmen. LURCH Hey Doug. Fitzgibbons hands Doug a beer. FITZGIBBONS THE BATTING COACH How you been bro? DOUG (unsure) Good...real good... (takes a sip) You? FITZGIBBONS THE BATTING COACH You know. Same ol, same ol. Doug nervously takes another sip. DOUG That’s good. Glad to hear it. The ragtag crew stares at each other, awkward... DOUG (cont’d) Um, Jimmy? Everyone CRINGES- JIMMY What’s the matter with you? My name is Bic. Bic Bic Bic. You hear anyone else calling me Jimmy? DOUG Okay, Bic- Doug turns Jimmy around, takes a step away, whispers- DOUG (cont’d) Those guys can’t be my groomsmen. GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 53

JIMMY What’re you talking about? DOUG I mean, look at those guys. No offense, but they don’t look right. That guy’s got his dick out. Jimmy turns to Endo, everyone LAUGHING at him- JIMMY Come on, Endo, you gotta come up with a better party trick. DOUG (looking closer) Does he have three testicles? JIMMY Look, I didn’t have a lot of time to work with, okay? You gave me seven names, I got you seven groomsmen. So relax, these guys are professionals. GROOMSMEN GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! Doug watches mortified as Bronstein pounds FRENCH FRIES- DORIS (O.S.) Knock it off, Bronstein! Everyone turns to see Doris approaching, holding a stack of MANILA PACKETS- DORIS (cont’d) Quit acting like a buncha dumb amateur motherfuckers! JIMMY Alright, fellas. Listen up! We got Dickerson! Doris tosses a packet to the nebbishy Bronstein... NOTE: From this point on, our groomsmen will be known by their new names--ie, BRONSTEIN will now be known as DICKERSON- DORIS You’re a lounge singer from Canada. You perform four nights a week at The Walleye Nook. GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 54

DOUG And you do a mean Tom Jones. JIMMY We’re not Making History right now. Relax, we’re just assigning roles. We’ll get into the ancillary particulars later, alright? DOUG Okay, right. Got it. Proceed. JIMMY Garvey! A packet to Lurch... DORIS You’re a botanist. You and Doug went to camp together from sixth grade through tenth. JIMMY Rambis! A packet to the nut job Endo... DORIS You’re a principal at St. Peters Middle School in Provo, Utah. And you’re a regional racquetball champion. Lefty. Good serve. JIMMY Why would you make something like that up? DOUG I just, I-Gretchen asked what he did. JIMMY Okay, Plunkett! A packet to Fitzgibbons... DORIS You’re a lawyer. You specialize in Environmental Law with a focus on forestry. JIMMY Carew! GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 55

A packet to the cheesy model, Kip... DORIS You’re a podiatrist in Knoxville. Divorced, no kids. Dougie’s always thought you were a closet case. Doug turns to Carew, quietly... DOUG Everyone else seems a little off, but you actually look pretty normal- CAREW Thank you, Doug...I’m very excited to be... (starts twitching) ...here for you... JIMMY Drysdale! A packet to Reggie... DORIS You teach philosophy at Bardonia Community College. You’re a vegan. PLUNKETT Does pussy count as meat? Doris SLAPS him. DORIS (back to Reggie) And you’re working on your first book called The Way of Wonderers. JIMMY Alzado! The final packet to Otis... DORIS You’re a computer programmer. You and Doug met at a conference in Baton Rouge. BACK ON DOUG Staring at his crew as they look each other over, feeling out their new identities. GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 55A

ALZADO (to Drysdale) You want to trade? JIMMY Damnit, Alzado, no trading. ALZADO But I hate computers. GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 56

JIMMY Knock it off. (to Doug) Anything else? DOUG Um...yeah, Plunkett’s in a wheelchair. Got hit by a car. PLUNKETT What?!? I thought I was going to crush ass!!! JIMMY (ignoring him) Those packets contain initial breakdowns of Doug’s key bio info. You’ll get updates as Doris prepares ‘em. They also include what you need to learn about yourselves including go-to subjects and bail-outs. Double-check your measurements and perfect your PTD’s. (off Doug’s look) Party Trick Distractions. RAMBIS (in Cockney accent) Can I do my Cockney accent? DORIS You’re a principal in Utah, why the fuck would you have a Cockney accent? RAMBIS (back to normal) I could’ve moved there- JIMMY Hey. Listen up. We go on the clock Thursday night. You’ll check into the Biltmore in intervals between six PM and midnight. The walkthrough and are Friday night. Saturday afternoon’s the big show. (beat) Everything else you need to know is in your packets. These packets do not leave your sight gentlemen. (MORE) GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 57 JIMMY (cont'd) They will be collected upon completion and destroyed. Any questions? The groomsmen nod approvingly, except for Drysdale who flips through his packet, concerned- DRYSDALE Wait, when’s the bachelor party? Everyone stares at Doug. DOUG Well, uh, Gretchen and I, we felt- JIMMY Stop. Listen. There’s no such thing as a mutual decision until after you’re married. Until then, the only “we”... THE GROOMSMEN IS ME AND MY BALLS! JIMMY (nods, appreciatively) Fellas, you got one week to know this information so well that it becomes a permanent part of your memory. One week to pull off...The Golden Tux. Now, gentlemen. Let’s go make some fucking history! MUSIC KICKS IN OVER THE MAKING HISTORY SEQUENCE:

49 INT. DENTIST OFFICE - DAY 49 Several PATIENTS sit reading magazines. Doug, Rambis & Alzado flop in, dressed in full scuba gear- RAMBIS (nods to a patient) Ma’am. They squat on the opposite side of the AQUARIUM while Jimmy takes pictures through the glass.

50 EXT. ALLEY - DAY 50 Doug, Carew & Drysdale in tank tops, running shorts and sneakers stand together as Jimmy pins numbers to their chests and Dickerson spritzes them with water. GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 58

DICKERSON They’re coming! JIMMY Alright, go!!! Doug, Carew & Drysdale run out of the alley as a herd of MARATHONERS run past. Plunkett snaps pictures as our guys cross the finish line, Drysdale high-stepping the last few yards...

51 INT. SMALL AIRPLANE - DAY 51 Rambis, Doug & Plunkett crouch together wearing goggles, jumpsuits and backpacks. All three give enthusiastic thumbs up to the camera as Jimmy takes the shot while holding a LEAF BLOWER-

REVEAL: INT. SANTA MONICA FLYING MUSEUM MUSEUM PATRONS give curious glances to the DISPLAY PLANE as our guys climb out of it...

52 EXT. A SHEET OF ICE - DAY 52 Doug holds on to TWO ICE AXES LODGE IN THE ICE, a rope leading off from him down to Plunkett, also with ICE AXES, looking up, gritting his teeth- REVEAL: They’re at an ice rink, lying horizontally on the ice facing the camera, not vertical at all. Carew SNAPPING PICS. A GROUP OF FIGURE SKATERS watching them, weirded out.

53 INT. BOWLING ALLEY - DAY 53 Plunkett snaps shots of the guys bowling, keeping score, knocking back beers. As Dickerson prepares to bowl--Doug runs up and depantses him. DICKERSON Hey!!! And OFF Plunkett snapping pictures while the guys laugh and trade hi-fives...Doug is in the middle of it all, high- fiving, having the time of his life, surrounded by friends. MUSIC FADES AS WE DISSOLVE TO: GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 59

54 BRIDE & GROOM DOLLS ON A WEDDING CAKE 54 A hand reaches in and makes the GROOM doll mount the BRIDE doll--pushes her into the cake. GRETCHEN (O.S.) Doug!

REVEAL: INT. EDMUNDO’S OFFICE - DAY Edmundo and Lois are in the bg, Edmundo fidgets with her hair- Doug looks up from his doll reenactment, grinning like a little kid as Gretchen sees what he’s doing- GRETCHEN (cont’d) (giggles) What’re you doing? DOUG Just practicing for... Doug reveals TWO FIRST CLASS TICKETS! GRETCHEN Tahiti?! DOUG Only Fodor’s # 1 most romantic destination. GRETCHEN Amazing! DOUG It’s gonna be incredible. Doug dabs some frosting on her nose, kisses her. GRETCHEN What’s gotten into you this past week? I’ve never seen you this frisky- DOUG I don’t know, I just feel great. Think about it, we’re getting married on Saturday. It’s going to be incredible! All your friends, all my friends...everyone in the same place! GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 60

GRETCHEN I just hope things go smoothly. I checked the 10-day forecast- DOUG Don’t worry, honey, it’s not gonna rain, it’s LA. GRETCHEN Why would you even say that? DOUG What? I, I didn’t say it would rain, I said it wouldn’t- GRETCHEN You used the “r” word. Doug massages her shoulders. DOUG The flowers will look great, the food will taste delicious. Everything’s going to be perfect. Once we sign the wedding license tomorrow, it’s smooth sailing. And OFF Gretchen watching curiously as Doug licks the frosting off the head of the bride...

55 EXT. COURTHOUSE - DOWNTOWN LOS ANGELES - DAY 55 Alison sits next to Jimmy, her skirt rides up a bit. Jimmy glances around, fighting the urge to check her out... ALISON So, Bic. I’m curious about something. Tell me the dirt on Doug- JIMMY Oh, I couldn’t. ALISON Oh, c’mon. I like Doug, but he has to have some skeletons in his closet. He’s such a mystery. JIMMY If by mystery, you mean interesting, then yes...he’s a remarkable fellow. He’s like an onion, one just has to peel back the layers... GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 60A

Alison stares at Jimmy as he breathes in the city air... GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 61

OLD DRUNK MAN (O.S.) Yo Jimmy! Jimmy spots an OLD DRUNK MAN waving enthusiastically from across the street. ALISON Do you know that guy? JIMMY He’s not talking to me. ALISON Well he’s coming over here- The Old Drunk Man crosses the street. Heads straight for Jimmy & Alison. Jimmy tenses, looking for a way out- OLD DRUNK MAN Callahan, I thought you were- DOUG (O.S.) AHHHHH!!!!! Doug comes flying out of nowhere with a BLIND-SIDE TACKLE! Levels the Old Drunk Man. GRETCHEN Doug!!! ON-LOOKERS gawk as Jimmy rushes over to Doug & the Old Drunk Man sprawled on the sidewalk. Jimmy kneels down next to the Old Drunk Man, urgently whispers- JIMMY Damnit Earl, I’m working a gig! OLD DRUNK MAN (low) I’m sorry, Jimmy, I’m so sorry- JIMMY Get the fuck outta here! The Old Drunk Man scrambles to his feet and rushes off.

56 EXT. COURTHOUSE STEPS - MOMENTS LATER 56 Jimmy leads Doug back to Gretchen & Alison. GRETCHEN Oh my God, Doug!!! What happened?!? GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 62

Jimmy brushes off Doug’s back. DOUG I thought he had a knife- ALISON That guy? JIMMY (to the bystanders) It’s okay. Everything’s under control, God bless. GRETCHEN Ohmygod--did he? Are you okay? DOUG I’m fine, hon. Just protecting my bride. GRETCHEN Wow, my knight in shining armor. Okay, well...come on then, we’re late. And as Jimmy & Doug follow the girls, they slap a lo-five.

57 INT. BEST MAN INC - JIMMY’S OFFICE - LATER 57 The room’s been transformed. Table and chairs set up in the middle. The walls completely covered with photos, info & stats--like a serial killer’s den. And in the middle of everything--posterboards, one for each player-- DOUG, BIC, GRETCHEN, LOIS, ED, ALISON, GRANDMA, PLUNKETT, CAREW, DICKERSON, RAMBIS, GARVEY, DRYSDALE & ALZADO- JIMMY (O.S.) Let’s hammer out this toast... Jimmy--legal pad in front of him--sits with Doug while the groomsmen sit scattered through the room in pairs quizzing each other with flash cards. JIMMY (cont’d) They’re gonna want to hear how you knew she was The One. Like a band playing their most popular song, the crowd’s waiting for it. Start with the first time you saw her. GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 63

DOUG I don’t know, I uh...I thought she was pretty... JIMMY If I’m gonna bring down the house, I need a little more than that. Why do you love her? Why are you marrying her? What makes her different than all the girls you’ve ever met? DOUG (after a beat) She talked to me. JIMMY That’s it? She talked to you? DOUG What? It’s true. I don’t know why. Her dad was a client of the firm. I’d met her a couple of times and she didn’t give me the time of day. And then I ran into her one time and she was just...different. She knew my name. She asked me if I wanted to grab a sandwich. Jimmy stares at Doug for a beat. Starts to laugh. JIMMY A sandwich? C’mon, gimme something I can use. Your knees buckled, you couldn’t breathe... DOUG But that’s not real. Jimmy stares at Doug for a beat then looks over at the groomsmen, quizzing each other with flash cards. JIMMY Alright Tonto. You wanna see real? (to the groomsmen) Fellas, we’ll be back in an hour. Doug and Jimmy stand- ALZADO Hey, Dougie! Hold up! (beat) (MORE) GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 64 ALZADO (cont'd) You still owe me fifty bucks from that card game at the Getting Into The Flow Conference Senior Year. Doug hesitates--looks to Jimmy, unsure if he’s serious. JIMMY (shrugs) What’re you looking at me for, you’re the one who hit on 18. Doug reaches for his wallet, Jimmy turns to Garvey- JIMMY (cont’d) Oh yeah, and Garvey, we’re gonna need your van. GARVEY What?

58 EXT. LATINO NEIGHBORHOOD - LATER 58 Doug and Jimmy at the front door of a single-story clapboard. Jimmy rings the doorbell. From inside, we hear someone SCREAMING at the TV in Spanish. JIMMY Yo! The door swings open--it’s Edmundo. But he’s wearing a wife- beater and a pair of jeans. Dos Equiis in one hand, remote in the other. He stares at Jimmy and Doug--tosses his beer aside and opens his arms, flamboyant- EDMUNDO What a delightful surprise! But I wish you’d called first, my place is a such a pig sty- Edmundo suppresses a BELCH. JIMMY It’s cool, Eddie. He’s one of us. DOUG What the hell is going on here?!? EDMUNDO (natural Mexican accent to Jimmy) Yeah, what the fuck, cabron? GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 64A

JIMMY Doug, meet Dirty Eddie Sanchez- Jimmy turns to Doug who’s flabbergasted- GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 65

JIMMY (cont’d) Eddie’s family’s wedding planning business was one of the biggest in the city. But after Father of the Bride, no one wanted input from a Mexican kid from Boyle Heights. So Eddie decided to flame it up. And so, Edmundo was born. Edmundo goes limp wrist with the remote. Smiles- EDMUNDO Ta-Daaaa. (to the TV) Oh come on you cocksucker! Give’m a fuckin yellow card! Doug stares at Edmundo. Shakes his head, starts to laugh- DOUG This is so messed up.

59 INT. EDMUNDO’S HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER 59 Jimmy and Doug sit on the couch opposite Edmundo, who is packing a bong... EDMUNDO So esse, why’d you bring ‘im here? JIMMY Kid’s in Stage Two. He’s taking this wedding thing too seriously... feeling guilty about pulling one over on Gretchen. Wanted to open his eyes. EDMUNDO Look, cabron. Weddings are just overblown derived from women’s unreasonable fantasies and preconceived notions that originate in childhood. You ask me, vato, it’s all one big fuckin joke. As the man, you gotta just SHOW up, not fuck up, and get OUTTA there. So don’t sweat the morality of what you’re doing. All that matters, is the bride and her mother are happy. We in this together, holmes. Doug notes a GORGEOUS LATINA walking through the bg- GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 66

DOUG That your girl? Edmundo looks at Doug strangely- EDMUNDO Fuck no, man. That’s my sister. ANGEL, a tatted-up, bald headed, handle-bar-mustachioed bad ass gangster walks out of the bedroom in jockey briefs-- EDMUNDO (cont’d) (at his man, Angel) That’s my girl. ANGEL Y’all want some nachos? Doug looks on, stunned- EDMUNDO No, man. Guy’s getting married in a week. ANGEL I’m sorry, I’m just being fucking courteous. EDMUNDO Well use your head- (back to the guys, shakes his head) Bitches. You guys wanna smoke some weed? Jimmy shrugs, looks at Doug- DOUG Uh, no-no thanks. EDMUNDO Suit yourself. You guys better not fuck this up. Doug stares, frozen. Shakes his head- DOUG You guys are fuckin crazy. JIMMY Oh, we’re just getting started. GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 67

60 EXT. HOTEL BANQUET AREA - MARINA - DINNER TIME (WEDDING #2)60 Black-tie guests mill about, music plays. DOUG (O.S.) I hate this stuff.

REVEAL: EXT. PATIO - BY THE BAR - CONTINUOUS (WEDDING #2) Doug & Jimmy, both in tuxes and mustaches, wait for their drinks. Doug glances around nervously- JIMMY That’s why we’re here. Groom Desensitization. Jimmy hands Doug a drink- JIMMY (cont’d) Jack & Coke. I believe it’s your favorite? It is. Doug takes the drink. Jimmy leads him through the room- JIMMY (cont’d) Keep reminding yourself, weddings are for the women. You’re not supposed to enjoy it. If you were, there’d be big screen TVs and gambling. N-A-S. DOUG What? JIMMY Nod-And-Smile. That’s all you gotta do. They walk off, nodding and smiling- CUT TO:

61 INT. BANQUET HALL - MARINA - MOMENTS LATER (WEDDING #2) 61 Doug and Jimmy sit at a table, taking in the scene...A WAITER stops by their table... WAITER You working this one, Jimmy? GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 68

JIMMY Jesus, PJ, c’mon! It’s Arlo. I’m doing a little groom desensitization here. WAITER Picked a winner, Arlo. Lot of ass. They all look in different directions... JIMMY I’m seeing it. The waiter walks away. DOUG It’s amazing nobody rats you out. JIMMY This is a business, Doug. A good wedding means good references... everyone gets hired again. THE BEST MAN (O.S.) The moment Chris called me... Doug & Jimmy turn to watch THE BEST MAN, late 20’s, good ol’ boy, as he pulls a folded speech out of his pocket... THE BEST MAN (cont’d) (cocky) ...and asked me to be his best man, I sat down and wrote a really awesome speech, but the truth is...I’d rather speak from the heart. The Best Man tears up the speech. THE BEST MAN (cont’d) I’ve known Chris since uh...since we were in uh... The Best Man starts to lock up...wipes sweat from his brow, suddenly uncomfortable standing in front of everyone. JIMMY (to himself) C’mon, c’mon. He’s your boy, you’d die for him... GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 69

THE BEST MAN We used to you know, do things together...walk places. Throw stuff, and uh... The Best Man starts sweating. Panic wells... THE BEST MAN (cont’d) We even did other things...we both love pizza- He trails off...stares at the crowd, done for. JIMMY This guy’s worthless. The Best Man starts gathering the scraps of the speech he tore up, trying to piece them back together. The guests avert their eyes from the --embarrassed for him. He can’t put the pieces back together--stands suddenly- THE BEST MAN Fuck it. Just fuck it. I love you man! Wolverines! As the entire place sits stunned--the BAND LEADER grabs the mic, SNAPS at his band- BAND LEADER Okay! 1-2-3... (sings) Ain’t no mountain high enough... The Best Man scurries off. Jimmy chugs his drink- JIMMY Let’s dance. DOUG No thanks. JIMMY Douglas. DOUG What? JIMMY You can hide a fat ass with baggy pants but you can’t hide a bad dancer. Now c’mon, I’ll teach you some basics. Jimmy grabs Doug’s arm. GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 70

DOUG I’m not dancing with you. Jimmy grabs THREE SHOTS off a passing tray, finishes one, and hands two to Doug. JIMMY My job is to make you look good on your wedding day. You need to get comfortable being uncomfortable. This is the lion’s den. Let’s go- DOUG Don’t be ridiculous. I’m not dancing with you and I’m DEFINITELY not doing shots with you. JIMMY Come on ya big pussy. What’re you afraid of. Do the shots. PUSS-Y! PUSS-Y! PUSS-Y! It’s clear that Jimmy isn’t going to let this go. Doug eyes the shots. Uncomfortable with the peer pressure... would hate to cause a scene... fuck it! Doug slams the shots. TIME CUT TO:

62 THE DANCE FLOOR (WEDDING #2) 62 Stops. Turns and faces Doug. JIMMY You lead. DOUG No. JIMMY Fine. You want to be the chick? I’ll lead. A starts. Doug sighs--then raises his shoulders, straightens into dancing form and takes hold of Jimmy. And as Jimmy’s eyes go wide--Doug spins him into place- AND THEY DANCE JIMMY (cont’d) Nice rondejon. GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 71

Doug spins Jimmy... DOUG Twelve years of lessons. Pulls him close... DOUG (cont’d) My Mom said one day I’d thank her. I don’t think this is what she had in mind. They tango across the floor... DOUG (cont’d) You asked me how a gal like Gretchen fell for a yutz like me? Doug dips Jimmy... DOUG (cont’d) I took her dancing. CUT TO: The MOTHER OF THE GROOM turns to THE FATHER OF THE GROOM- MOTHER OF THE GROOM Look at how that gay couple can dance. They’re all so talented... those gays- FATHER OF THE GROOM They must be HER friends. CUT TO: GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 72

MUSIC changes abruptly to GREASE’S BORN TO HAND JIVE... Doug gets Jimmy into JIVING... CUT TO: The MUSIC changes abruptly to TEACH HOW ME TO DOUGIE- And Doug responds, leading Jimmy in a perfect Dougie- CUT TO: The MUSIC changes to a NEW AGE NUMBER. And Doug responds, leading Jimmy in a new age dance. CUT TO: The MUSIC changes to a FAST TEMPO SING SING DANCE- And in perfect time, switches to a SWING, the money number, he shoots Jimmy under his legs--yanks him back up... GUESTS WOOOOO! Jimmy falls into Doug’s arms. They look up, smiling and out of breath--the entire room is CHEERING for them. DISSOLVE TO: GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 73

63 EXT. POOL - LATER (WEDDING #2) 63 Doug & Jimmy, bow-ties undone, shoes off, recline on lounge chairs sharing a snagged bottle of Jack. JIMMY ...I was 24, 25, didn’t have a job, had no idea what I was gonna do with my life...I was a little lost, you know. But I get a call out of nowhere from this guy, Rory, who I went to school with--a guy I barely remembered--telling me he got engaged, and I was like, “great, congratulations...” And then he asked me to be his best man... DOUG Wow... This wasn’t a friend of yours? JIMMY No. He was this super nerd I once picked first for my gym class basketball team cause I thought it’d make him feel good. For me, it didn’t make a difference, but apparently it changed his life... DOUG Yeah, I could see that- JIMMY Anyway, I was like, I don’t even really know this fucking guy, but what am I gonna say--I decided, you know what, what’s the worst thing, I get dressed up, eat some tasty food, score a bridesmaid. So I show up, and his entire wedding party was me, the bride’s brother and some Filipino exchange student. And two hundred people are looking at this poor schmuck like, “how could she marry this loser?” So I get up and take the mic--granted I’ve had a few cocktails--but I make a speech. Told stories of how Rory and I used to climb the Himalayans, fish for sharks, how he saved my life in a bar brawl--I mean total bullshit, but I look over and see his bride squeezing his arm, glowing. (MORE) GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 74 JIMMY (cont'd) Her parents proud that her daughter was marrying this amazing guy. I had everyone clapping, in tears. And someone came up to me after and said, “man, I would pay money to have someone say things like that at my wedding...” so I thought, “how much?” And that’s the day this whole started...that’s the day I became...The Wedding Ringer. One wedding turned into five, word spread and five turned into twenty...next thing I know--I’ve built a nice little business for myself-- --- JIMMY (cont’d) You ever see that movie, The Wedding Singer? DOUG Yeah? JIMMY Well...I became The Wedding Ringer. Doug nods to himself, sighs, looks around... DOUG Look, uh, Bic. I don’t want you to think I’m some sort of putz who, you know, doesn’t have any friends... (keeps rambling) My father was an international tax attorney, so moved around a lot. I attended 13 schools by the 8th grade and lived on 4 continents. So, after a while I didn’t even attempt to make any friends because I knew I would soon just have to move again. When my father died, I took over the business. I was working too much and had no time to make friends. (beat) Am I a loser? Jimmy polishes off the bottle. GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 75

JIMMY No, no. Some guys are just loners. It’s cool. DOUG But sometimes I wish I wasn’t. I wish I had someone to hangout with. Grab a beer...I dunno...take an awesome guy trip somewhere. JIMMY You never went on a guy trip? Really? DOUG Yeah. Really. JIMMY Cabo? Fucking Cancun? You never went on Spring break? DOUG No. I never really had anyone to go with... Doug stares off. JIMMY C’mon, let’s get you out of here. Jimmy tries to help Doug up. Doug grabs Jimmy’s arm--Jimmy loses his balance. Slips and splashes into the pool. Doug howls with laughter. JIMMY (cont’d) C’mere you little shit! Jimmy scrambles out of the pool as Doug scampers away...

64 INT. HOTEL - CONTINUOUS (WEDDING #2) 64 Looking in through the floor-to-ceiling window...Jimmy picks up Doug and dives into the pool with him, wrestling, splashing and laughing... REVEAL: The Father and Mother of the Groom watching- FATHER OF THE GROOM I will say, those gays really know how to live in the moment, enjoy life- GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 76

MOTHER OF THE GROOM Why don’t we ever go nightswimming? FATHER OF THE GROOM I’d love to wrestle you in the pool, Susan. MOTHER OF THE GROOM I would love that too. A silent beat, the couple looks at each other, tired- MOTHER OF THE GROOM (cont’d) Shall we go watch Breaking Bad? FATHER OF THE GROOM Yeah. I hope they have AMC. DISSOLVE TO:

65 EXT. DOUG’S CONDO - LATER 65 Jimmy rolls up in his car. Puts it in park. JIMMY G’night, Tonto. DOUG Yeah. Good night, Father Bic. Thanks. Tonight was a good time. Jimmy holds out his fist--Doug awkwardly slaps it five. JIMMY Just doing my job. Doug gets out, clothes still wet, he’s wrapped in towels- DOUG It’s uh, well it’s nice to finally have someone looking out for me. JIMMY Yeah, yeah. I got your back. DOUG Cool, I like that. And I got your back too, man. Jimmy looks away. DOUG (cont’d) What? Is something wrong? GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 77

JIMMY Look Tonto, you’re a great guy and all but this is a business relationship. This isn’t I Love You, Man. We don’t become friends. here. That’s not how this story ends. I’m the LONE ranger. Remember? Doug’s face falls. He starts backing away... JIMMY (cont’d) I’m an employee with a job to do. Doug nods to himself. DOUG I get it. You’re not my friend. You’re just the Best Man. Doug walks away. Jimmy hops out of the car, calls out- JIMMY C’mon, think about it. In a week, Bic’s flying back to the Middle East and three months from now he’s gonna be killed in a tragic grenade attack while giving an impromptu sermon from the back of a humvee to wounded allies. DOUG That’s five details. Doug turns and walks away. JIMMY Look man, it doesn’t mean we’re not gonna have a good time- Doug turns back around- DOUG No, I get it. (beat) You’re anybody’s best friend for a price, but nobody’s when it counts. STAY ON Jimmy’s face as Doug walks away... GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 78

66 INT. BEST MAN INC - JIMMY’S OFFICE - EARLY NEXT MORNING 66 Jimmy sits at his desk, flipping through a dossier of Doug’s pictures & info. Doris pokes her head in. DORIS G’morning. Jimmy nods, doesn’t look up. DORIS (cont’d) Everything okay? What’s the matter with you? JIMMY I don’t know... DORIS I never expected the Jimmy Callahan to get all...soft-eyed, over a client. JIMMY No, no, no. It’s not like that. It’s...I’m just exhausted. All I do is go from job to job saving these losers with no friends. DORIS Losers? They’re not losers, they’re just guys. And guys don’t need friends. They don’t share their private, deep-emotional feelings with each other like women do. (beat) Women are nurturers. We’re always there for each other. We sit and listen to each other’s problems. Which is why we’re always so miserable. From all the goddamn listening. You should count your blessings. A beat, then- JIMMY I still think they’re losers. DORIS Maybe you’re right. What the hell do I know? I’m just a woman. But, let me ask you this. If you ever found a woman stupid enough to marry you... (MORE) GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 79 DORIS (cont'd) (off Jimmy’s smile) Who’d be your best man? Jimmy’s smile fades. Doris knows she’s hit a nerve. DORIS (cont’d) This all started because you wanted to make a guy feel good. You remember how good you felt the first time you did this? But you lost that, you’ve become jaded with all your rules. You forgot what got you into this business in the first place, the ability to be a friend, to change someone’s life. (beat) Now we’ve got less than a week to pull off a flawless Golden Tux, so stop crying like a little bitch, strap on a pair, and get your ass back in the saddle. Doris walks out.

67 EXT. DOUG’S OFFICE BUILDING - DOWNTOWN LOS ANGELES - DAY 67 Doug walks out of his building. Starts to cross the street-- A BIG PICK-UP SCREECHES to a halt, dubs spinning. Plunkett & Drysdale jump out wearing ski-masks. Doug freezes--terrified. PLUNKETT Doug Harris? DOUG (freaking out) Uh-uh-yeah? Plunkett shoves a PILLOW CASE over Doug’s head as Drysdale ZIP-CUFFS his hands behind his back. Doug kicks wildly- DOUG (cont’d) (muffled) STOP! HELP! HELP ME! I’M NOT DOUG HARRIS! I’M NOT DOUG HARRIS!!! Doug punts Drysdale in the nuts. He crumples. Plunkett grabs the squirming Doug and tosses him into THE BACK OF THE PICK-UP Doug thrashes--thumping against the floor. GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 80

DOUG (cont’d) (muffled) PLEASE! WHAT DID I DO?!? The pick-up lurches forward. Doug rolls backwards--SLAMS against the cargo door which flies open--and tumbles out onto

OLYMPIC BOULEVARD Doug, pillow-cased & zip-cuffed, rolls to a stop. Gets up, running. Plunkett & Drysdale leap out of the pick-up as DOUG Sprints blindly across the busy street like a chicken with his head cut off. DOUG (cont’d) (muffled) HELP! SOMEBODY HELP ME!!! Cars, taxis & buses HONK and swerve as Doug miraculously avoids one collision after another. PLUNKETT Shit. Plunkett genuflects and cautiously runs into the street, holding his arms up to stop traffic- DOUG (O.S.) (muffled) I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED!!!

DOUG Safely makes it across the street- DOUG (cont’d) (muffled) OH MY GOD, SOMEBODY PLEASE- WHAM! Doug trips into the curb and FACEPLANTS!

68 LONG SHOT - BRIDGE OVER THE LA RIVER - DUSK 68 Doug--pillow-cased & zip-cuffed--bounces up and down in the rear of the pick-up, totally defeated. GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 81

69 EXT. ARNIE’S WORLD OF FUN - PARTY AREA - DARK 69 Doug kneeling on the ground, shaking under the sack. DOUG (muffled) Please...don’t hurt me. I’m getting married...I’ve got lots of money. As the sack is whisked off- VOICES SURPRISE!!!

70 REVEAL: EXT. ARNIE’S WORLD OF FUN - PARTY AREA - NIGHT 70 THE LIGHTS HUMFPH UP, ILLUMINATING... The whole outdoor fun area EXPLODING with people--the groomsmen and a DOZEN PARTY GIRLS. Lou is there on his scooter, a party girl on his lap... Everyone bouncing to the HIPHOP BUMPING out of massive speakers next to the DJ spinning turntables- GROOMSMEN (chanting) Doug! Doug! Doug! Doug! Doug! Doug spins--shocked. Police-line streamers, kegs, food, piñatas, and a clown. Jimmy steps out, proud- JIMMY You buy a Golden Tux from me... The groomsmen pour champagne on Doug’s head, pull off his pants, leaving him in a button down, tie...and underwear- JIMMY (cont’d) ...you get a BACHELOR PARTY!!! They carry Doug past a VELCRO FLY WALL, CHOCOLATE PUDDING WRESTLING RING, and PARALLEL LUBE SLIDES...

71 THE MOONBOUNCE 71 An enclosed trampoline game. Doug bounces up and down in his underwear, soaked with champagne. DOUG This is really unnecessary- GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 82

NADIA (O.S.) Hello, Doug. Doug stops short as he sees NADIA, the hottest, sexiest girl in the world waiting for him... DOUG I’m not saying you need to cancel this though... She smiles and approaches Doug who bounces in place... NADIA (points to herself) Nadia. GROOMSMEN Doug! Doug! Doug! Doug! Doug! DOUG (points to himself) Doug...I’m Doug. Doug Harris. All of the guys CHEER. Doug grins at them--thumbs up! Jimmy leads them off-

72 EXT. ARNIE’S WORLD OF FUN - PARTY AREA - DANCE FLOOR 72 Jimmy and the groomsmen dancing with the party girls, doing shots, body shots, funnel-assing vodka, etc on the dance floor.

73 IN THE MOONBOUNCE 73 Nadia smiles, rubs up next to Doug who turns crimson- DOUG So. Uh. Where you from? Nadia smiles. DOUG (cont’d) I’m from LA. Hancock Park. You heard of it? She shrugs, smiles. DOUG (cont’d) You been here long? In LA? (a beat) Have you ever been to a Dodgers game? GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 83

NADIA (in Italian) Relax, baby. Just relax. Nadia starts massaging his thigh... NADIA (cont’d) (in Italian) You like that? You do, don’t you, puppy? DOUG If you haven’t, you have to go! There’s nothing like it- ...as he becomes extremely nervous... DOUG (cont’d) I’m sure where you’re from is probably great too. NADIA (in Italian) You want to touch? No? How about I touch- Her hand moves to his crotch and he lets out a noise like- DOUG Ghaaaaeeeahhh...... and jumps around like a monkey playing keep away. DOUG (cont’d) Look, Nadia. I’d love to well, you know but...I’m getting married- NADIA (in Italian) Shhh, shhh. Come here. Nadia takes off her top. DOUG Ohhhhhh...

74 EXT. ARNIE’S WORLD OF FUN - LUBE SLIDE AREA 74 Three Party Girls wrestling in the PUDDING WRESTLING PIT. Dickerson & Drysdale look on, chug beers as everyone cheers. GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 84

VOICES GO! GO! GO! GO! They pound the beers, smash the cans on their heads, and dive down PARALLEL LUBE SLIDES, fly off a ramp and into the PUDDING WRESTLING PIT to be attacked by the party girls!

75 IN THE MOONBOUNCE 75 Doug tries teaching the topless Nadia how to jump. DOUG ...we just have to jump together, to coordinate our jumping. Nadia smiles. This isn't what she’s used to. DOUG (cont’d) Okay, ready...jump! Doug jumps. Nadia jumps late, giggles. DOUG (cont’d) I know you can do this, work with me. Okay? (off her smile) Okay. Ready...jump! They jump together and start bouncing up and down, playing the game, laughing and bumping into each other...

76 THE BATTING CAGES 76 Jimmy and a Party Girl stand with a line of groomsmen, Party Girls and other party people... JIMMY RUNNING OF THE BALLS! Jimmy flinches like he’s gonna go, and everyone starts sprinting in a line across a barrage of SHOOTING BASEBALLS... But Jimmy hangs back with his Party Girl, LAUGHING- As the runners start getting nailed...balls crushing them- PARTY GIRLS/GROOMSMEN OWF!/MY TIT!/FUCK!/AOO!/OHHH! Lou is moving across slowly, taking the hits- GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 85

LOU This is nothing! I was at the Bay of Fucking Pigs! Most falling as they move...crumbling...Carew has made it almost across the field of fire- CAREW Yes! Hell yes! I did it! OHHH YE- And a PITCHING MACHINE NAILS him in the ear, drops him cold.

77 EXT. ARNIE’S WORLD OF FUN - PARTY AREA 77 MUSIC THUMPING even LOUDER. Party Girls dance.

78 EXT. ARNIE’S WORLD OF FUN - PUTTING AREA 78 Plunkett has his arms wrapped around a Party Girl from behind on the putting green, instructing her- PLUNKETT That’s it. Relax. Squeeze. Relax. Just a little bit of hips, you feel that? REVEAL: Plunkett’s pants are around his ankles, she’s not even holding a golf club. His wheelchair standing by-

79 EXT. ARNIE’S WORLD OF FUN - PARTY AREA - DANCE FLOOR 79 Lou is getting a lapdance in his scooter from two Party Girls-

80 EXT. ARNIE’S WORLD OF FUN - CLIMBING WALL 80 Drysdale and Garvey belay Party Girls on the wall, staring up at their asses...

80A EXT. ARNIE’S WORLD OF FUN - GO-KART TRACK 80A The groomsmen racing in karts with Party Girls, bumping into each other...

81 EXT. ARNIE’S WORLD OF FUN - DANGER CAVE 81 Alzado leads a Party Girl into a ‘DANGER CAVE’...starts to make out with her, and a MONSTER YETI surprises them with a ROAR. GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 85A

82 EXT. ARNIE’S WORLD OF FUN - PARTY AREA - DANCE FLOOR 82 Rambis, dressed in a Velcro fly suit, runs, jumps and SMACKS into the Velco wall, sticking to it. GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 86

Doug dances with Nadia as his groomsmen encircle him, jumping up and down. Doug spins Nadia in his arms... GARVEY Go Dougie! Go Dougie! PLUNKETT Wouldn’t be a night without Dougster macking on the ladies- RAMBIS Just like Cancun on Spring Break, Snoop Doug! DICKERSON And Burning Man when we did those quaaludes and that tit car wash! DOUG That was a great night! Doug high-fives his groomsmen as Garvey sprints past- GARVEY AHHHHHH!!!! And jumps into the wall, BOOM! Jimmy checks his watch- JIMMY Uh-oh. DOUG What? JIMMY It’s almost midnight. DOUG So? DRYSDALE (chants, grinning) Fletch-er... DICKERSON & CAREW Fletch-er...

83 EXT. ARNIE’S WORLD OF FUN - FLETCHER AREA 83 Doug, wearing only boxers & a stupid , is standing like a starfish, his arms and legs athletic-taped to two columns of a pavilion. GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 87

JIMMY Get the ramp! Everyone watches with anticipation as Rambis and Dickerson carry over a small wooden RAMP. Nadia follows, smiling coyly. Doug’s eyes glaze over--he’s mesmerized. Drysdale tosses a jar of PEANUT BUTTER to Jimmy who hands it to Nadia. Doug snaps out of it- DOUG Whoa, what’s that for? JIMMY Patience, Doug, you’re in good hands. Alright, Nadia. Showtime. Nadia appears, smiling coyly, holding a jar of Peanut Butter. Doug’s eyes glaze over--he’s mesmerized. Nadia eyes Doug as she slowly unscrews the jar...dips a few of her fingers and licks a little and spreads the rest on Doug’s face and neck. She kisses him all over... EVERYONE Dougie! Dougie! Dougie! DOUG Look, Nadia, I thought we’ve been through this...I’m very uncomfortable with this and ooohhhhhh... EVERYONE DOUG-IE! DOUG-IE! DOUG-IE! Nadia pulls his schlong out of his boxers, and her jaw drops, impressed. She spreads peanut butter all over his privates- DOUG (fits of giggling) You don’t have to do this. Nadia spreads peanut butter all along the ramp, leading up to Doug’s crotch. JIMMY What’s that Doug? I can’t hear you- EVERYONE FLETCH-ER! FLETCH-ER! GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 88

DOUG Nadia. You don’t have to do this- NADIA (something in Italian) She kisses him on the forehead and walks away. EVERYONE FLETCH-ER! FLETCH-ER! FLETCH-ER! Jimmy WHISTLES and the crowd parts as-- A FLOPPY-EARED BASSET HOUND--FLETCHER Tail-wagging, follows the trail... EVERYONE (cont’d) FLETCH-ER! FLETCH-ER! FLETCH-ER! Fletcher starts licking peanut butter off the ground... JIMMY No, that way! Fletcher! Go! Fletcher spots Doug--follows the trail up the ramp to Doug’s leg...Doug tries to shift away from the licking mutt. DOUG (giggling) Stop! Make him stop! Everyone CHEERS and cracks up. EVERYONE FLETCH-ER! FLETCH-ER! FLETCH-ER! And as Fletcher follows the trail to its end we MOVE IN on Doug’s face--shifting from panic to...guilty satisfaction... Fletcher GROWLS and- DOUG OWWWWWWW!!!! NADIA (in Italian) JIMMY Fletcher! NO! Let go! Bad dog! DRYSDALE Stick your fingers in his ear! Garvey sticks his finger in Doug’s ears. GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 88A

DOUG OWWWWWWW!!!! GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 89

DRYSDALE Not Doug’s ears shit-for-brains!! The damn dog’s! A GUNSHOT! The dog suddenly STIFFENS with lock-jaw, stuck to Doug’s business. Plunkett’s holding it. Silence as everyone turns to Plunkett, holding a smoking gun, shrugs, then- JIMMY What the fuck? DOUG OWWWWWWW!!!! PLUNKETT I didn’t shoot it! I shot up, I swear, just tried to scare it off. ALZADO Must’ve had a heart attack. DOUG OWWWWWWW!!!! JIMMY (trying to remove it) It’s got lock-jaw. DOUG AHHHH! JIMMY Who here can drive? GARVEY Everyone’s either drunk or high! ALZADO Lou hasn’t had a drink in 87 years. CAREW Who’s Lou?

84 INT. ROTO-ROOTER VAN - FLYING - MOMENTS LATER 84 Lou, the only available sober driver, floors it. The van is packed with groomsmen and party girls. Jimmy is trying to stabilize the dog as every BUMP causes Doug more pain. GARVEY Hey, easy Lou! This is Marci’s father’s van! GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 89aA

LOU I don’t know a Marci. DOUG OW! OW! JIMMY You’re in shock. You’re not feeling pain. GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 89A

DOUG I’M NOT IN SHOCK! IT HURTS LIKE A GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKER! JIMMY Alzado! Get those drugs up here! HOT GIRL 1 **** I’ve got some Oxy. **** HOT GIRL 2 **** Valium will calm him down. Here- **** HOT GIRL 3 **** If you put it in his butt, it’ll **** work faster. **** GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 90

85 <<>> 85****

86 <<>> 86****

87 EXT. STREETS - CONTINUOUS 87 The Van flies through a RED LIGHT, nearly hitting a POLICE **** CAR. The car swerves wide, stunned a beat, and PEELS OFF after the Van-

88 INT. THE ROTO-ROOTER VAN - CONTINUOUS 88 SIRENS blare behind the van--everyone starts to panic as Lou pulls over- GARVEY We’ve got open bottles in here! PLUNKETT I can’t go back to jail. I’m tired of fucking dudes. DRYSDALE You were the rape-ist? PLUNKETT DRINK. DRINK IT ALL- Plunkett CHUGS a bottle of SCHNAPPS... GARVEY Marci’s gonna kill me- RAMBIS Finish them! Drysdale quickly CHUGS a bottle of Jack while Carew CHUGS a bottle of Tequila, spilling all over, swallows the worm just as the COP walks up to the van, shining a FLASHLIGHT- JIMMY Everyone look sober! The cop looks at the crew--all trying to look sober, smiling. GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 91

COP (to Lou) License and registration. Lou hands over his license to the Cop who looks at it- COP (cont’d) This expired in 1982. You can’t drive. LOU (insulted) What’d you say? COP I said you’re not able to drive. Lou, pissed, shifts into reverse, gasses it!

89 EXT. SIDE OF THE ROAD - CONTINUOUS 89 The VAN flies in reverse and heads straight for the COP CAR. JIMMY (V.O.) What the hell are you doing!?

90 INSIDE THE ROTO-ROOTER VAN 90 Everyone freaks out--Jimmy tries to stabilize the dog, but... DOUG (pain) AHHHHHHH!

91 EXT. SIDE OF THE ROAD - CONTINUOUS 91 The VAN SLAMS into the Cop Car, then takes off, SCREECHING around a corner. The Cop runs to his car and jumps in- ANOTHER CORNER The VAN makes a quick left. INSIDE THE ROTO-ROOTER VAN Everyone is thrown to one side of the van... DOUG OWWWWW! Everyone holding on for dear life. GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 92

JIMMY Lou! Pull this fucking car over now! We’re all gonna be arrested. LOU Gotta spend money to make money! JIMMY What the fuck are you talking about?

92 <<>> 92

93 EXT. STREETS - MOMENTS LATER 93 The Van screeches onto a ONE WAY STREET, takes out the ONE **** WAY SIGN and swerves into ONCOMING CARS- **** ALZADO (O.S.) It’s one way! The Van weaves around SCREECHING, HONKING CARS- LOU (O.S.) I’m going one way.

94 EXT. STREETS - MOMENTS LATER 94 Lou takes a turn, too hard, and comes out of it wide, TAKING **** OUT A ROW OF PARKING METERS. ****

95 INT. THE ROTO-ROOTER VAN - MOMENTS LATER 95 Doug grimacing in pain...Lou SCREECHES around another turn at full speed. GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 93

96 EXT. GAP IN THE 4TH STREET BRIDGE - MOMENTS LATER 96 The ROTO-ROOTER VAN flies past cones and around a barricade as IT SPEEDS THROUGH A CONSTRUCTION ZONE... RAMBIS WATCH OUT! THEY’RE HEADED TOWARDS A GAP BETWEEN TWO PIECES OF BRIDGE... The cop follows, then SLAMS on its brakes-

97 INSIDE THE ROTO-ROOTER VAN 97 Everyone holds on to each other as Lou gases it and... EVERYONE AHHHHHHHH!!!

97A A WIDE SHOT OF THE ROTO-ROOTER VAN LAUNCHING INTO THE NIGHT-97A ...and LANDING HARD, BOUNCING on the other side of the bridge-

98 INSIDE THE ROTO-ROOTER VAN 98 Lou raises his fist to the sky, having escaped the cop- LOU Whose license’s expired now, bitch! Everyone is checking themselves to make sure they’re alive. Jimmy turns to Doug, who’s now in shock, staring blankly. JIMMY You okay? Doug? Doug? DISSOLVE TO:

99 EXT. HOSPITAL - SUNRISE 99 The sun rises over .

100 INT. HOSPITAL - DOUG’S ROOM - SAME 100 Doug lies in the hospital bed, stirs to life. Looks over and sees Nadia, looking like an angel, holding a juice container. DOUG Nadia? You waited all night for me? GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 94

Nadia smiles at Doug, hands him a juice container. DOUG (cont’d) Last night...I mean, aside from having an unfortunate K-9 situation, I had the best time of my life--I’m sorry we couldn’t spend more time together. These are just difficult times, and difficult circumstances. It’s not your fault. It’s mine. You’re great. Really. I’ve never connected with a girl like that. Ever. Not even with, Gretchen, the girl I’m marrying. You understand? Nadia looks at Doug with a blank look on her face. JIMMY (O.S.) Yo Tonto! Doug sees Jimmy standing in the doorway. JIMMY (cont’d) How’s it hanging? DOUG What’d they do? JIMMY Few stitches. Doc said you’re gonna be fine. Nadia shifts in her chair, both the guys look at her. JIMMY (cont’d) Kiss her g’bye. I got pudding in my anus and you gotta meet up with the in-laws. Doug gets out of his bed, gathers his clothes, then walks to Nadia. He gently touches her hair, looks into her eyes. DOUG I have to go. It was great getting to know you. Doug kisses her on the forehead. Nadia smiles- NADIA Was great getting to know you too. GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 95

DOUG You speak English? Nadia turns to Jimmy- NADIA Thanks for having me out again, Jimmy. And Jimmy? JIMMY Yeah? NADIA Doug here’s a keeper. (winks at Doug) Call me sometime...we could grab a Dodger game. Nadia leaves. Jimmy pulls Doug out of the hospital room-

101 INT. HOSPITAL - WAITING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER 101 Jimmy leads Doug out, turns and whistles- JIMMY Fellas! The waiting room is a disaster area. Trash everywhere. Groomsmen passed out. Jimmy WHISTLES again--nothing--NUDGES Drysdale with his foot- DRYSDALE Huh? DOUG Where’s Lou? JIMMY Lou’s gotta go away for a while. Said it was worth it, though- Jimmy BLASTS an AIR HORN, and all the Groomsmen start awake, falling out of chairs, off tables and each other-

102 INT. DOUG’S MERCEDES - MOVING - LATER 102 Top down, wind in their faces. Jimmy driving, Doug stares at the sky. GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 96

DOUG It’s just that what if...well what if I’m not positive that Gretchen is the girl I want to spend the rest of my life with? JIMMY Ah...Stage Three. Morning after the bachelor party. Exactly on target! Don’t tear yourself up, bro. DOUG (smiles) Man, I can’t remember being this happy, feeling this good since... since ever! JIMMY You eat one of those pills Plunkett was handing out? DOUG No. It’s just, this is great. I know it’s not real, but it’s still great to be one of the guys. They drive for a beat in silence. CUT TO:

103 EXT. THE PALMER HOUSE - LATER 103 Jimmy pulls up to the Palmers’... JIMMY Look, Doug. I wasn’t trying to come off as a prick with the whole rent- a-friend thing. DOUG It’s okay...you were right. You’ve got a job to do. JIMMY So let’s nail this thing. Make you look great, rock your wedding and send you off to Tahiti ready to knock paint off the walls. DOUG And ship Bic off to his death. GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 97

JIMMY Right. So...we kosher? DOUG Yeah. We kosher. Doug gets out of the car. DOUG (cont’d) Listen...I’ve been thinking about what you asked me about Gretchen- JIMMY Yeah? DOUG She said something to me on our third date. About wanting a family and how she’s ready to have kids. And, well...ever since I lost my family, I’ve wanted to make one of my own... (shrugs) You think you can do something with that? JIMMY I’m gonna make the entire place cry. Even you, Tonto. DOUG Thanks, Bic. Drive carefully. Doug sticks out his fist--Jimmy pounds it. GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 98

104 EXT. DOUG’S PARKED MERCEDES - MOMENTS LATER 104 As Doug heads for the door, Jimmy’s phone CHIRPS, he answers it on SPEAKER- JIMMY Hello? GARVEY (O.S.) It’s Garvey. I got a problem. I can’t be there on Saturday. JIMMY What’re you talking about?

105 INTERCUT WITH: EXT. GARVEY’S HOUSE - SAME 105 GARVEY Marci’s dad found a butt plug in the glove compartment. She thinks I’m working with you again. I had to promise to fix the kitchen cabinets just to calm her down. Unbeknownst to Jimmy, Alison approaches--sports bra and running shorts--finishing her jog... JIMMY You’re gonna be there, or I’ll call Marci myself, tell her about Cocomo. You want that? Do you- GARVEY Look, Jimmy- JIMMY Don’t “look Jimmy” me. Tell that wife of yours you’ll fix the kitchen cabinets on Sunday- GARVEY’S WIFE walks out of the house, starts shouting- GARVEY’S WIFE Jimmy, you sonufabitch! I don’t know what kind of crap you’re up to but leave my husband out of it! We hear a scuffle for the phone on the other end, then- GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 99

GARVEY Don’t worry about it, Jimmy. I’ll figure something out- Jimmy notices Alison- JIMMY Roger niner delta over. May God bless you and yours- GARVEY What the hell are you- Jimmy hangs up. Smiles casually at Alison, unsure of how much she heard. Tries not to stare at her glistening body. ALISON Who’s Jimmy? JIMMY Jimmy? Jimmy’s my tag name, I’m sorry, military code to a civilian. ALISON (eyeing him, suspicious) Kind of a crazy coincidence that the drunk guy at the courthouse called you Jimmy too... JIMMY Was it Jimmy? I thought he- (boomeranging her) You are in awfully good shape. Alison leans against the car. Smiles flirtatiously- ALISON Well then, “Jimmy”, I suppose I shouldn’t pry into what “kitchen cabinets” mean either? JIMMY Probably not. For your own safety. ALISON Life must be interesting with all the top secret things you know. I’ll see you at the rehearsal... (winks) Father. And heads towards the house. Jimmy swears under his breath, reverses out of the driveway and peels out. GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 99A

105A <<<>>> 105A**** GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 100

106 INT. EDMUNDO’S OFFICE - MUSIC CORNER - LATER 106**** Doug & Gretchen sit across from the band leader, HAL LANE, 40, handsome with a Jewfro. Hal Lane takes notes. HAL LANE Okay, got it. And your will be to what song? GRETCHEN You are so Beautiful. (beat) Joe Cocker. HAL LANE (looks up) Thanks. I knew that. Doug eyes Gretchen curiously. GRETCHEN What? DOUG That’s not our song. GRETCHEN Of course it is. Your broken CD player repeated that song over and over the first time we made love. (singing) You are so beautiful... DOUG That was with Steve, your old boyfriend. You’ve told me that story like...five times? Hal Lane looks away. Tries to appear invisible. GRETCHEN Oh...right. (covering) Well it’s still a great song though, if you listen to the words. I love that song, honey. Please? On Doug’s hurt face. THUNDER STRIKES, the SOUND of RAIN POURING... GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 101

107 INT. JIMMY’S OFFICE - LATER 107 All of the guys stand at attention as Jimmy hands out packed HANGING SUIT BAGS. Jimmy eyes them, proud, as Doris hands out new LEATHER WALLETS to all of the guys- DORIS Gentlemen, in these wallets you will find a license, credit cards, supporting clutter and three hundred dollars cash. JIMMY And in those hanging bags, your for the rehearsal dinner, wedding and complimentary toiletries. Get a good night’s sleep, we’ll be leaving for the high school at 0800. RAMBIS What’re we doing at the high school?

108 EXT. HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL FIELD - NEXT MORNING 108 Jimmy paces in front of the seven sweatpants-clad groomsmen, all staring at the muddy field... DRYSDALE This is fuckin bullshit. GARVEY Field’s all muddy. PLUNKETT We didn’t sign up for this crap. JIMMY ‘fraid you did fellas. Falls under the Further Assurances Clause. You participate in any activities I deem necessary or advisable. DOUG Oh, c’mon guys. This’ll be fun. CHANTING VOICES (O.S.) Hoo!!! HAA!!!...Hoo!!! HAA!... JIMMY What the fuck? GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 102

Ed marches his crew of EIGHT FORMER TEAMMATES, late 60’s, all wearing faded jerseys and cleats, towards the field.

109 MIDDLE OF THE FIELD - MOMENTS LATER 109 Jimmy and Doug stand opposite Ed and two MAMMOTH OLD GUYS. Doug looks at Ed’s team stretching, warming up. Glances at the groomsmen, huddled around Plunkett in his wheelchair. DOUG (re: muddy field) You sure you want to play on this field? It’s all muddy. JIMMY Someone might wrench a knee. ED PALMER You sound like my daughters. Doesn’t get any better’n this boys.

110 ON THE SIDELINES - MOMENTS LATER 110 The groomsmen huddle around Jimmy- JIMMY Let’s keep this fun fellas, amuse the geezers. No need to rub it in their faces, we don’t wanna see any coronaries out here. OLD GUYS BREAK!!! The old guys take their offensive formation. Their QB, bearing a remarkable resemblance to Hall of Fame LEGEND QUARTERBACK Joe Namath, lines up behind center, Ed Palmer. LEGEND QUARTERBACK You guys look a little soft, sure you can handle going both ways? ED PALMER I heard Doug enjoys that. DOUG What? LEGEND QUARTERBACK HUT, HUT! GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 103

Ed SNAPS the ball to the Legend Quarterback fakes the hand- off to a LEGEND RUNNING BACK, a dead ringer for THE DIESEL JOHN RIGGINS- The Groomsmen defense falls for the fake, a STARTLINGLY FAST, LEGEND TALL GUY, (looks like ED TOO TALL JONES), who COLD- COCKS PLUNKETT IN THE FACE! THE LEGEND RUNNING BACK LEVELS DOUG! The Legend Quarterback rolls right and wings the ball through the air into the hands of the Tall Guy as he flies down the sideline- The Legend Tall Guy catches the ball in stride and continues towards the end zone. Drysdale gives chase and touches the Legend Tall Guy out one yard from the goal line. Jimmy helps Doug up- DOUG I thought this was touch football? LEGEND RUNNING BACK Can’t play football without blocking son!

111 THE LINE OF SCRIMMAGE - MOMENTS LATER 111 Ed on the ball. The groomsmen line up, already out of breath. CAREW You gotta good arm, sir. LEGEND QUARTERBACK Blow me kid. Hut, HUT! Ed SNAPS the ball, charge-blocks Drysdale and flattens him. The Legend Quarterback pitches to the Legend Running Back who races for the corner, jukes Rambis, lowers his head and SMASHES into Alzado. Steps over him into the end zone. The old guys mob him, hi-fiving each other. Splash back towards mid-field celebrating. DRYSDALE Number 72 just grabbed my nuts.

112 GROOMSMEN HUDDLE - MOMENTS LATER 112 Jimmy calling the play- LEGEND TALL GUY Hey Fatass! I’m gonna do your sister! GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 103A

Doug looks back, notices the Legend Tall Guy and Legend Running Back, playing linebackers now, growling at him. GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 104

DOUG But I don’t have a- JIMMY Ignore’m, Doug. LEGEND TALL GUY In the ass! Ed paces the line of scrimmage, growling- ALZADO Doug, that guy’s crazy. JIMMY A’ight fellas. Unbalanced left, Power I right, sixty-eight slant on one, ready...break! Jimmy CLAPS and leaves the huddle. All of the groomsmen look at each other, confused. After a moment, Jimmy returns. JIMMY (cont’d) Doug, I’m gonna give you the ball and you run that way. Ready? ALL (with a CLAP) BREAK!!!

113 AT THE LINE OF SCRIMMAGE 113 Plunkett lines up over the ball in his wheelchair. Jimmy in shotgun. The old guys take their defensive positions with Ed at nose guard. JIMMY Blue 27! Blue 27! Set, HUT!!! On the SNAP of the ball, the Linebackers (Legend Running Back and Legend Tall Guy) SLAM into Plunkett who goes flying from his wheelchair. Jimmy pitches the ball to Doug who runs forward. Ed leg-whips Doug hard, causing him to fumble. Legend Tall Guy recovers and high steps towards the end zone for another touchdown. JIMMY (cont’d) That’s illegal! That’s leg whipping! GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 104A

ED PALMER Leg whipping only became illegal in the nineties. It’s legal for us, Padre. GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 105

As Ed runs after his team to help celebrate, Jimmy helps Plunkett back into his wheelchair. Looks at the groomsmen, lying on the ground in pain. ALZADO That fuckin guy BIT me. GARVEY 18 shoved his finger up my asshole. JIMMY Fuck this fellas. Time to get ugly!

114 QUICK SERIES OF SHOTS: 114 - Jimmy dodges a tackle and straight-arms Ed - Plunkett chop blocks Legend Running Back in his wheelchair - Doug runs the wrong way, Carew turns him around - Dickerson outruns the defense for a touchdown - Everyone dives for a fumble - On the bottom of the pile, Ed scratches at Plunkett’s eyes - PEOPLE start gathering to watch. - MAINTENANCE WORKERS take note. - FINGERS drawing plays in the mud. - A HUDDLE VIEW from below. - A PLAYER slides through the muddy water. - Tackling low and dirty. - Overhead on the CARNAGE. - The Legend QB drops back for a pass, and gets SACKED by Garvey from his blindside. - Carew picks up a SMALLER-OLD GUY, and HURLS him. - Dickerson faces a RANDOM GOON, tries a joke, GETS CRUSHED.

115 THE GROOMSMEN’S HUDDLE 115 Everyone soaked and caked with mud. JIMMY This is it boys, next touchdown wins. If there was ever a time in your life to suck it up, dig down deep and leave it all out on the field, it’s right now. (sees Ed go free safety) Doug, I gotta be honest, you’ve played a pretty shitty game. And the last thing I wanna do is put the ball in your hands...but I know you’re faster than Big Ed. I know you can get open and I know I can throw it to you. What I wanna know is...if you’re gonna catch it? GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 105A

DOUG Don’t throw it to me Bic, please. JIMMY I am throwing it to you, Towelboy. And for this play, call me Father. Hail Mary right, on one...ready? ALL BREAK!!! GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 106

Both teams approach the line of scrimmage. Doug lines up wide right- JIMMY Blue 9! Blue 9! Set HUT! Doug runs straight at the Legend Running Back, stutter-steps and 360s around him. Doug streaks downfield. Jimmy avoids the Legend Tall Guy charging at him, rolls right and wings the ball... Everyone watches as it sails through the air-- Ed sprints to cut-off Doug--arrives at the same time as the ball. Doug goes up--SLAMS into Ed--something SNAPS, and he crumples as Doug falls into the end zone--ball in his arms. TOUCHDOWN! The groomsmen CHEER! Doug opens his eyes--I caught it! And freaks out-- DOUG YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Takes a victory lap, arms outstretched, his hollering groomsmen chasing after him. Spikes the ball at Ed who’s still on the ground WAILING in pain...and flexes above him. WE PULL AWAY and DISSOLVE TO:

116 INT. FANCY RESTAURANT - RENDEZVOUS COURT - LATER 116 The rehearsal dinner. The Palmer family and Gretchen’s SEVEN BRIDESMAIDS, all 30ish, white & waspy, stand around drinking while the PHOTOGRAPHER snaps pictures. Gretchen turns to Doug- GRETCHEN I knew someone was going to get hurt! DOUG We were just having fun until your Dad’s friends- ED PALMER (O.S.) Don’t pin this shit on me- Ed’s in a chair, leg propped up, Lois holding an ice-pack on his knee. Doug nervously looks at his watch. GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 107

LOIS PALMER Honey, it’s over. Forget it. DOUG I truly didn’t mean to- The door swings open and Jimmy leads in the groomsmen, all wearing suits, freshly shaven and hair combed. DRYSDALE HEY HEY HEY! LOIS PALMER (under her breath) Oh...my...god. ED PALMER Yeah, no shit. Gretchen, Ed, Lois & her bridesmaids stare stunned as the motley crew walks (and Plunkett ) towards them. Gretchen grabs Doug, hisses- GRETCHEN Doug, who are these guys?!? DOUG What are you talking about? Those’re my friends--that’s Principal Mitchell Rambis from Utah, the brilliant philosopher, Ira Drysdale, that’s Plunkett there in the wheelchair... GRETCHEN No-no-no, I mean, how-what-that’s the strangest looking group of guys I’ve ever seen in my life. DOUG What do you mean? Those’re my boys. Jimmy reaches Doug & Gretchen- JIMMY Apologies for being late- DICKERSON At long last, we meet the Palmers! CAREW (winks) Mrs. Palmer, it’s obvious where Gretchen gets her looks... GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 108

As Plunkett wheels up and kisses Gretchen’s hand- PLUNKETT Gretchen, it’s an honor to finally meet the love of Doug’s life. Gretchen’s too shocked to respond as the groomsmen scatter, introducing themselves to everyone.

117 INT. FANCY RESTAURANT - THE BERNARD ROOM - LATER 117 Everyone sits at tables. Ed, leg still propped up, glares at the groomsmen. DICKERSON Most important thing is to ice it as much as you can for the next 24 hours- GARVEY And take a few Advil- ED PALMER You can both kiss my ass. LOIS PALMER Don’t let them bait you, Ed. Doug stands at the head of the room taking a picture with Gretchen. She turns away and he strikes a Heisman pose. All of the groomsmen start laughing--Gretchen turns, Doug returns to a normal pose. DOUG What? Gretchen turns back to the camera--Doug strikes the pose again. And as everyone tries to conceal their laughter, Alison leans over, whispers to Jimmy- ALISON What’re you feeding him? Jimmy smiles, proud. Alison shakes her head, notices the bridesmaids giggling as they make their way to the front of the room- ALISON (cont’d) Twenty dollars says one of them wrote a song- JIMMY Forty says it’s The Carpenters- GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 109

ALISON You’re on. BRIDESMAID (HOLLY) Hi, everyone. Holly Munk. Head bridesmaid. Gretchen, “we” wrote you a song. Jimmy and Alison smirk as the bridesmaids all grab their copies of the lyrics. Holly grabs Alison’s hand- HOLLY You too Ms. Maid of Honor! Alison smiles at Jimmy off the lyrics- HOLLY (cont’d) It’s a Holly Munk original to the tune of Lean On Me. They’re copies of the lyrics under your seats, so follow along. The guests reach under their seats, finding pages of lyrics, look confused- ALISON Pay up, father. Jimmy smiles as Alison reluctantly joins the bridesmaids. HOLLY Hit the track. (singing) It’s...that time in your life, When you wear something blue... The rest of the bridesmaids join in. It’s absolutely brutal. HOLLY AND THE BRIDESMAIDS When you wear something borrowed. But...before you’re a wife, We should look back, To yesterday’s tomorrrrrrows. (beat) Our mem-ries! Outside blim-pie, Too much tuna, shoulda’ had the six- incher...instead. Or...Lalapalooza ‘03, We had to pee, In front of that weeeeiiird guy Fred. GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 109A

A few people join in, Doug included. The groomsmen all glare at him--Doug stops singing, mouths Sorry to Jimmy. HOLLY AND THE BRIDESMAIDS (cont’d) Some...time in 2013, Gretchen was dumped, By Handsome Steeeeeee-eeeve. But...then there was Doug, Being a friend, But there was something up hiiiiiis slee--eeeeve. (beat) You just call on ya Kappas, When you need a break, We all need somebody to party with, If you want to hit up Supper Club, Make some mistakes, We will make them with you, Gretchen- (talking, humming) That’s my bridge. Hold on. (singing again) You just call on ya Kappas, When you need a break, We all need somebody to party with, If you want to hit up Supper Club, Make some mistakes, We will make them with you, Gretchen- (beat) Dooo....you remember? Baton twirl-ing, club, in-vi-si-ligggn. Girl, We certainly do. Kappa sistas for life. And you know we ainnn’t lyy-innnn’. A beat. Everyone stares...then- HOLLY That’s the end. That’s it. CUT TO:

118 MOMENTS LATER 118 Gretchen, tears in her eyes--hugs her bridesmaids. Rambis sets up a projector as The Groomsmen fall in line. GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 110

JIMMY Since none of us are song-writers, we put together a little slide show to toast our buddy... Jimmy picks up the remote and--CLICK. JIMMY (cont’d) He’s been stealing ladies’ hearts since long before we knew him. PHOTO: 12-year-old Doug at dance class with his mom. JIMMY (cont’d) And was always wise beyond his years. CLICK--PHOTO: 15-year-old Doug wearing a suit and holding a briefcase. DICKERSON His friendship came with an instant half-point boost in our GPAs- CLICK--PHOTO: Doug in front of the college library with Rambis, Garvey & Dickerson- DOUG (yelling out) Dickerson, you still didn’t break 2.5! GARVEY (grins) But he also taught us things you couldn’t learn in classrooms... Whether it was bowling at Regionals- CLICK--PHOTO: The gang at the bowling alley. CAREW Running the Santa Monica marathon- CLICK--PHOTO: The gang finishing the race. DRYSDALE Navigating the rapids of Colorado- CLICK--PHOTO: The gang white-water rafting. ALZADO Climbing the glaciers of Patagonia- CLICK--PHOTO: The gang ice-climbing. GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 110A

ALZADO (cont’d) Scuba diving the great barrier reef- CLICK--PHOTO: The gang scuba diving. RAMBIS Jumping out of a plane at 10,000 feet- CLICK--PHOTO: The gang leaping out of an airplane. RAMBIS (cont’d) Or just everyday life, Doug was there... CLICK--PHOTO: Doug wheeling Plunkett on a campus. GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 111

PLUNKETT After I was hit by a drunk-driver who was found innocent, Doug helped pay for my law school tuition. CLICK--PHOTO: Doug getting his law degree. Carew standing proud with his arm around him- RAMBIS I was going to quit grad school before Doug told me the story about Plunkett which inspired me to stay. CLICK--PHOTO: Doug on a dock with Jimmy and the crew, proudly holding up a large shark they caught. DICKERSON When he wasn’t hitting the books, Doug taught us all how to have fun- SEVERAL MORE PHOTOS: Doug hiking, on safari, tow-surfing. JIMMY But this last one’s my favorite. CLICK--PHOTO: Doug & Jimmy at the Robert Horry game. JIMMY (cont’d) An historic night with my closest friend. You’ll notice in this picture, like all of the pictures, that Doug’s always smiling. But I think you’ll agree, his smile gets even brighter in our last shot... CLICK--PHOTO: Doug & Gretchen’s picture. Doug smiling at Gretchen...Gretchen smiling at the camera. The room AWWWS and CLAPS. The groomsmen give Doug congratulatory hugs. Jimmy locks eyes with Doug...and nods.

118A EXT. STREET - LATER THAT NIGHT 118A Doug on the phone with Gretchen- DOUG Yeah, I think it went great. GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 111A

119 INTERCUT WITH: INT. GRETCHEN’S APARTMENT - BATHROOM - SAME119 Gretchen removes her earrings while talking on the phone- GRETCHEN I have to be honest, Doug. I was a bit surprised when I saw your groomsmen. I mean, I didn’t know what to expect out of them. But those guys are really great... GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 112

Gretchen reaches for her toothbrush and accidentally knocks over Doug’s MITCHUM deodorant stick. She picks it up. Returns the deodorant to its rightful place. The only open space on the shelf is to the right of an unopened package of BIC razors.

ANGLE - THE MITCHUM DEODORANT STICK NEXT TO BIC RAZORS. BACK TO THE MITCHUM, TO THE BIC...MITCHUM...BIC...BIC...MITCHUM. FLASHBACK TO:

120 SIX MONTHS EARLIER 120 Gretchen stands in front of the bathroom mirror posing with her engagement ring while Doug, bedhead, brushes his teeth. GRETCHEN At least I can just have Alison be the maid of honor and no one can fight over that. What about you? Who’s going to be your best man? Doug’s eyes OPEN WIDE--he continues brushing, stalling as his eyes dart back-and-forth, panicked. DOUG (toothpaste in his mouth) Ah... GRETCHEN Who’s that? Doug spots the TOOTHPASTE, the CANDLE, the Q-TIPS and finally the stick of MITCHUM deodorant- DOUG (mumbles) Mitchum. GRETCHEN What? Doug brushes faster--froth building up around his mouth. His eyes land on his BIC razor. DOUG (mumbles) Mitchum. Bic Mitchum. Buddy from Stanford. You know Bic. GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 113

GRETCHEN No I don’t. I’ve never even heard of Bic Mitchum. Doug mumbles through his vigorous brushing. GRETCHEN (cont’d) What was that? DOUG (spits) Bic’s my best friend in the world. Doug slams a cupful of mouthwash. Sloshes at hyperspeed. GRETCHEN How come I’ve never met him? Doug throws his head back--power gargles. Spits- DOUG You haven’t met Bic because... Spins some floss tight around his finger, contorts to get his back molars... GRETCHEN Because? Doug pops the floss. DOUG Because he’s been overseas--in the military. GRETCHEN Yeah, okay, now I think I mentioning something... Doug hesitates--really? GRETCHEN (cont’d) Isn’t he a priest or something? CLOSE ON DOUG--no idea where she got that from... DOUG (what the hell) Yeah. GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 114

121 QUICK SHOTS - ALL IN GRETCHEN’S FLASHBACK 121 - Doug passing out in Edmundo’s office after being asked about the measurements. - The posters in Doug’s office and condo--Rambis & Garvey. -In her bedroom, Gretchen fills out seating cards...Rambis, Garvey... - Doug at lunch staring blankly at Gretchen then Jimmy dumping the chili in his lap. - Alison bending over during lunch, Jimmy checking out her cleavage... - Jimmy crossing himself at the hospital, adds a hit-and-run sign...

122 EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS 122 Doug walking down the street, on the phone- DOUG Gretchen? You there?

123 INT. GRETCHEN’S APARTMENT - BATHROOM - SAME TIME 123 Gretchen, completely bewildered, panic rising in her chest, stares at herself in the mirror. The phone’s still on the floor. DOUG (V.O.) (out of phone) Can you hear me? Are you okay? Gretchen takes a deep breath and picks up the phone. GRETCHEN (measured) Doug? Don’t you think it’s a bit strange that you use BIC razors and MITCHUM deodorant and your best man’s name is Bic Mitchum? Doug’s eyes BOLT OPEN--but without missing a beat- DOUG No, hon. (smiles) (MORE) GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 115 DOUG (cont'd) But we did kid him about that all the time. (ALT) **** Yeah, that is strange, maybe that’s **** why I use those products. **** (ALT) **** If your best friend was Jemima **** Colgate I bet you wouldn’t use Log **** Cabin syrup or Aquafresh **** toothpaste, would you? It’s called **** loyalty. **** (beat) **** You’re overstressed, You should really just get some sleep. I’ll see you tomorrow. Love you. Okay... Doug hangs up the phone. Crisis averted. Phew...nice-

124 INT. DOUG’S CONDO - NEXT DAY 124 Jimmy fixes his priest collar in a mirror. Doug walks out wearing his suit... DOUG ...and I said, “No hon. But we did kid him about that all the time.” JIMMY (proud) I didn’t teach you that. You can’t teach that. You’re born with that. (taking Doug in) Looking good... Doug’s not sure. DOUG (beat) You know, as I was getting dressed...I started thinking how insane what we’re doing is. JIMMY You just started thinking that now? DOUG I mean, if she’s going to be my wife, I should be able to tell her the truth, right? JIMMY The key to relationships is being honest...up to a point. (MORE) GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 115A JIMMY (cont'd) Marriage is an institution based on being able to tell smart lies to each other. (MORE) GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 116 JIMMY (cont'd) We’re doing the right thing here, it’s all about making her happy. Jimmy pats Doug on the back. Doug’s reassured. JIMMY (cont’d) Now, let’s go get you married.

125 ESTABLISHING: EXT. CATHEDRAL - DOWNTOWN LOS ANGELES - DAY 125 Soaring spires, archways, stained glass glowing.

126 INT. CATHEDRAL - SITTING ROOM - LATER 126 The groomsmen sing along as Dickerson sings Tom Jones’ DELILAH at the piano- **** DICKERSON (singing) I saw the light on the night that I passed by her window./I saw the flickering shadows of love on her blind./She was my woman./As she deceived me I watched and went out of my mind... (beat) MY, MY, MY DELILAH! GROOMSMEN (singing) Why? Why? Why, Delilah! Jimmy and Doug walk in, and Dickerson stops. **** GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 117

JIMMY Alright, fellas. Gather ‘round. The groomsmen form a huddle around Jimmy and Doug. JIMMY (cont’d) We’ve known each other a long time, been through some great things together. I’m gonna be honest with you...nine days ago, I didn’t think we’d ever make it this far. In less than an hour, there’s gonna be three hundred unsuspecting guests filling those pews to celebrate some holy matrimony. We’re flawless from here on out . So watch each other’s backs, if they bring the noise, you bring the . (off their nods) Lastly, don’t get caught in any long conversations. Stick to your lines, don’t improvise. Remember The HW2’s, The Boomerang & the PTD’s. And most important, N-A-S. The guys all Nod-And-Smile. JIMMY (cont’d) Y’all ready to do this? Drysdale, set it off- Drysdale stands in the middle of the room. Raises his index finger, touches the ceiling. DRYSDALE What time is it? ALZADO It’s game time! DRYSDALE I SAID WHAT TIME IS IT? EVERYONE IT’S GAME TIME! Drysdale starts bouncing up and down. The other groomsmen fall in, arms in the air holding onto Drysdale’s arm. They jump together, WHOOPING and HOLLERING... GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 118

127 INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS 127 Our dapper gang strides confidently down the hall. Doug leads the way. The guys approach a nervous Edmundo and a furious looking Ed Palmer mid-conversation with an elderly priest, FATHER MCNULTY, 60’s. EDMUNDO Doug! Perfect timing. I was just informing Ed that due to a... Edmundo makes “air quotes” with his fingers. EDMUNDO (cont’d) “SCANDAL.” Father O’Brien will not be able to officiate your wedding. Doug looks to Ed. ED PALMER Un-fucking-believable... EDMUNDO (quickly) Rest assured, I have it all under control. Father McNulty, here, has agreed to step in as O’Brien’s replacement. FATHER MCNULTY Hello Doug. By now Doug’s ready to roll with any punches that come his way. He shakes McNulty’s hand. DOUG Nice to meet you, Father. EDMUNDO Father McNulty is a wonderful priest. He and I have worked together on many beautiful ceremonies. DOUG No problem, Edmundo. I’m really just happy the day’s finally here. Father, I want you to meet my friends. This is my best man- Doug turns to introduce Jimmy, but he’s not there. GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 119

DOUG (cont’d) (perplexed) Where’d Bic go? The guys shrug and look at each other. Doug glances to the side where Jimmy’s crammed into a corner frantically motioning to Doug “I’m not here”... DOUG (cont’d) (confused) I guess...he took a different way. Edmundo senses something’s wrong. EDMUNDO Ed, you should take Father McNulty to meet Mrs. Palmer before we get started. Time is not on our side. FATHER MCNULTY Well I look forward to meeting him. (nods to the groomsmen) Gentlemen. Ed leads Father McNulty around the corner--Jimmy emerges. DOUG What’s the matter with you? JIMMY Fuckfuckfuck. DOUG What? JIMMY (to Edmundo) What the fuck is Father McNulty doing here?!? EDMUNDO (stuck in wedding planner mode) Father McNulty’s a wonderful-- DOUG (interrupting) Wait-WHAT?!? How do you know Father McNulty?!? JIMMY He was my principal at Saint Bernard- GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 120

EDMUNDO (natural Mexican accent) How the fuck would I know that, ese? DOUG You’re kidding right? This is one of your jokes to scare me- JIMMY No joke, man. I can’t go out there-- he knows I’m Jimmy Callahan. I spent half of my middle school years in his office. DOUG Whoa, wait, please! This isn’t happening. You have to fix this- JIMMY What do you want me to do? I walk out there, Father knows I ain’t Bic Mitchum... DOUG Wait! I got an idea!

128 INT. CATHEDRAL - OFFICE - SAME TIME 128 Father McNulty closes his Bible. Starts to put on his robe. Someone KNOCKS, he opens the door...to see: Plunkett and Drysdale standing there in suits... DRYSDALE Father McNulty? FATHER MCNULTY Yes? Plunkett and Drysdale pull down SKI-MASKS over their faces. OFF Father McNulty’s terrified look-

129 EXT. CATHEDRAL - LATER 129 Pre-wedding photos. Gretchen in the middle cheek-to-cheek, flanked by her entire extended family and bridesmaids. FLASH: In the bg of a PHOTO, we see Plunkett and Drysdale, in ski masks, passing with Father McNulty in their arms, kicking, his head in a pillow case, hands and feet zip-tied! GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 121

130 BEHIND THE CATHEDRAL - MINUTES LATER 130 Ed’s in Edmundo’s face- ED PALMER Couple hundred thousand dollars out the door, I expect-hell I demand perfection today! EDMUNDO Mr. Palmer, I assure you that- ED PALMER Listen up Menudo. I got my wife screaming the bouquets are Nosegays instead of goddamned Beidermeiers. I got two negroes, a gimp, a Chinaman and a Jew bastard in the wedding party. First you tell me that my family priest’s a goddamn pervert and now you tell me Father McNulty’s disappeared?!? EDMUNDO Mr. Palmer, I’ll take care of it. ED PALMER You better. Tell you right now, I’d tear you a new asshole if I didn’t think you’d enjoy it!

131 INT. CATHEDRAL - LATER 131 The ORGAN accompanies the wedding procession--our groomsmen stride confidently, smiling at the guests... Doug enters from the side. Then the music CRESCENDOES and Gretchen starts down the aisle on Ed’s arm. Ed grimaces, limping as he escorts her... As they reach the altar, Ed’s knee buckles, he grabs Gretchen for support, almost takes her down. GARVEY (low) You want me to get an usher to help you back to your seat pops? Ed glares at the groomsmen all smirking at him. PLUNKETT (whispers) I’ll loan you my chair. GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 122

ED (low, back at him) Watch it or you’ll be driving your chair with one of those- (as if through a straw) Whhh-wzz-whtts. GRETCHEN (hisses) Dad! Jesus Christ! I’m trying to get married- JIMMY (O.S.) Shall we do this? Jimmy, wearing PRIESTLY ROBES, stands at the altar in front of the packed house. He slowly raises his hands motioning for everyone to be calm- CUT TO:

132 MINUTES LATER 132 The wedding guests watch Jimmy perform the ceremony. JIMMY Do you, Gretchen Palmer, take Douglas Harris as your lawfully wedded husband to have and to hold in sickness and in health until death do you part? GRETCHEN I do. JIMMY And do you Douglas Harris take Gretchen Palmer as your lawfully wedded wife. To have and to hold in sickness and in health until death do you part? DOUG I do. Jimmy smiles. Raises his arms to the congregation...

133 ESTABLISHING: THE BILTMORE HOTEL - THAT NIGHT (WEDDING #3)133 The gorgeous hotel in downtown Los Angeles. GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 123

134 INT. THE BILTMORE - BALLROOM - CONTINUOUS (WEDDING #3) 134 The Social Pages Golden Tux Fiesta. Hundreds of WASPS flitting about among the hors d’oeuvres and cocktails. QUICK CUTS OF THE GROOMSMEN MINGLING WITH GUESTS: CAREW ...the debilitating pain associated with prominence of the fifth metatarsal head is due to... GARVEY ...and organogenesis of corresponding pistillate structures of Aphandra natalia... PLUNKETT Why, then, you ask are Indiana's squirrel-rich forests threatened? RAMBIS I seek to change the focus of the “principalship” from one of management to one of learning. (sips his drink) Do you play racquetball? CUT TO:

135 INT. BILTMORE - MEN’S RESTROOM - SAME (WEDDING #3) 135 Doug and Jimmy stand side by side at the urinals. Jimmy whistles while he pees. Spirits are high. DOUG We did it, man. I can’t believe we pulled it off. JIMMY Ye of little faith. I told you, Tonto, I’m the BEST there is. DOUG That you are. Jimmy finishes. Shakes. Strolls over to the sink. JIMMY But I have to admit. You really stepped it up today. Brought your “A-game”. I’m proud of you. GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 124

Jimmy washes his hands. Doug continues to pee. DOUG Thanks Jimmy. I learned from the master. JIMMY Keep it up, champ. We’re almost there. Jimmy grabs a paper towel. Doug is still peeing. JIMMY (cont’d) Jesus. You’re like a camel. I’ll be right outside. He tosses the paper towel into the trash. Leaves the room.

136 INT. ALCOVE OUTSIDE THE RESTROOMS - CONTINUOUS (WEDDING #3)136 Jimmy steps into a beautifully decorated alcove connecting the men’s and women’s restrooms. Gretchen, escorted by Holly, walks by as the door to the men’s room closes. JIMMY (all smiles) Mrs. Harris. GRETCHEN Save it. Holly goes into the women’s restroom, Gretchen goes to follow. Jimmy’s not sure what’s got her panties in a bunch, but he’s not too concerned. JIMMY (charming as always) I may be partial, but I have to say you’ve put together the perfect wedding. Gretchen turns back. GRETCHEN Perfect? We were just married by an Army chaplain, the groomsmen are accosting the bridesmaids, my grandma’s covered in burns, my dad’s knee is ruined, and... uh...don’t even get me started on the salad dressing. GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 124A

Jimmy’s taken aback. This is the real Gretchen. He looks at the men’s room door. CUT TO: GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 125

137 INT. MEN’S RESTROOM - CONTINUOUS (WEDDING #3) 137 Doug washes his hands at the sink, goes to the door, about to open it, and OVERHEARS Jimmy talking with Gretchen, he stops-

138 INT. ALCOVE OUTSIDE THE RESTROOMS - CONTINUOUS (WEDDING #3)138 Anticipating Doug’s arrival, Jimmy tries to lighten the mood. JIMMY At least you’re here with Doug. True love conquers all... GRETCHEN True love? Please, spare me. Not everyone finds their knight in shining armor. I’m just tired of dating assholes. Doug’s a great guy, he’s good father material. Call me crazy, I’m a girl that’s used to a certain lifestyle, and he can afford to give me the lifestyle that I want. It’s enough to make a girl say I DO... Jimmy looks back at the men’s room door. GRETCHEN (CONT’D) (cont’d) Even if he is a bit of a nerd and she really doesn’t. JIMMY But lucky. For having met you. Obviously. GRETCHEN Blow me, Father. With that, Gretchen walks back into the bathroom. Jimmy’s floored, but before he can completely assess the situation, Doug walks out of the men’s room. DOUG Hey man, you waiting on me? JIMMY I was um... did you... uh-- DOUG C’mon! Let’s get back out there. First dance is coming up. GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 126

Doug walks off. Jimmy looks relieved, but conflicted. CUT TO:

139 INT. THE BILTMORE - BALLROOM - MOMENTS LATER (WEDDING #3) 139 HAL LANE (singing) You are so beautiful...you are so beautiful...to me. Doug and Gretchen in the midst of their first dance... HAL LANE (O.S.) (cont’d) And would the wedding party please join our couple... Jimmy escorts Alison to the dance floor while the groomsmen pair up with the less-than-excited bridesmaids. Pan over various groomsmen showing off their unique dance floor flair before finally settling on a suave Jimmy leading a charmed Alison. ALISON So who are you really? JIMMY I’m not sure what you mean by that. Jimmy spins Alison. She comes back around, smiles- ALISON Jumping crock pots setting women on fire, old drunk guys on courthouse steps, military codes and kitchen cabinets...? JIMMY (smiles) The Lord works in mysterious ways. His wonders to perform... ALISON Not sure about The Lord, but I know you definitely work in mysterious ways. Jimmy shrugs, glances over at Doug who looks miserable. ALISON (cont’d) Father Bic? GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 127

JIMMY Yeah? ALISON The song’s over. (kisses him on the cheek) Thanks for the dance. Alison smiles flirtatiously and walks away. Doug grabs Jimmy’s arm, drags him away from the crowd. DOUG I gotta talk, we gotta talk- JIMMY Whoa, Douglas, relax...

140 INT. BALCONY ALCOVE AREA - MOMENTS LATER (WEDDING #3) 140 Doug stands on a private alcove balcony, looking out over the wedding, the guests, runs his hands through his hair, frantic- DOUG Is there a Stage Five? JIMMY No. By now you should be alright. DOUG I think I’ve made a terrible mistake. She doesn’t love me. She never has. JIMMY Of course she loves you. She-- DOUG I overheard you two talking. Shit! But, Jimmy’s a pro... he swings into crisis control. JIMMY Don’t jump to any conclusions. She’s just got the jitters. It’s perfectly nor-- DOUG It doesn’t matter. I don’t love her either. I loved that a girl that looked like her liked me. I couldn’t believe it... She’s not THE ONE, Jimmy. (MORE) GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 127A DOUG (cont'd) She’s not even...The Two or The Three for that matter. GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 128

JIMMY Doug. Nine days ago you asked me to pull off a miracle and now we’re thirty minutes away from closing a Golden Tux- DOUG I know. And I go back to what turns out was a pretty lonely life. I don’t want that life anymore. I don’t want to be that guy. JIMMY Trust me, everything’s gonna be fine. DOUG I don’t want it to be fine, I want it to be great. I want my real life to be as fun as the one I paid for. JIMMY Well no shit Doug. But that’s not how it works. You don’t think I’d rather be a Delta Airline or the CFO of Lubriderm...or anything else I’ve made up instead of some guy who works out of a fucking renovated closet? You don’t think I’d love to ask Alison to go out for burritos with me--Jimmy Callahan? Or even grab a beer with you next week or go catch a game? I want all that shit, but it’s not gonna happen because I can’t go out there and tell the truth...because you need Bic. Nobody needs Jimmy. Jimmy looks away, unable to make eye-contact. JIMMY (cont’d) I’m gonna give my toast and then we’re done here. Jimmy walks off to go back down to the banquet hall. JIMMY (cont’d) (quietly to himself) It’s showtime. OFF Doug standing alone... GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 129

141 QUICK SHOTS OF PARTY TRICKS (WEDDING #3) 141 Garvey hovers a pea above his mouth... IMPRESSED GIRL Can you do that with a lima bean? GARVEY No, it has to be round. IMPRESSED GIRL What about a peanut? GARVEY Uh. No. That’s not round. Garvey proceeds to do a variety of crazier pea hoverings, juggling multiple peas with his breath. Carew flexes his pecs through his dress-shirt... IMPRESSED GIRL 2 You must work out. CAREW Three times a week actually. IMPRESSED GIRL 2 That’s actually fairly average. Dickerson dislocates his shoulder... BABS FREMONT Oh my god! ALEXANDRA PLYLOW (running off) Mom! A GROUP OF GUYS stare down at Rambis’ open fly...stunned. Drysdale does his SPAGHETTI LEGS party trick- IMPRESSED GIRL 3 That’s honestly...the coolest thing I’ve ever seen. Plunkett puts Holly Munk’s hand in his lap... PLUNKETT It’s amazing, it hasn’t worked in years, and then I saw you... GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 129aA

141A DINNER TIME (WEDDING #3) 141A The Legend Football Player table, blaming each other for the loss- GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 129A

142 DINNER TIME ELSEWHERE (WEDDING #3) 142 Guests pick through their meals. Grandma, in a wig, a few pieces of gauze on her burns...sits with a few of the groomsmen. Alzado turns, making small talk- ALZADO So Grandma, you having a good time? GRANDMA Go fetch me some salt porch monkey. Everyone stops eating, shocked, look at Alzado, concerned- ALZADO Monkey porch salt some me fetch go. The table laughs, the situation defused. GRANDMA (louder) Damnit boy, you deaf? Alzado pushes back from the table- ALZADO A’ight, shutup ya old cunt, shut up and eat your fuckin soup. OFF Grandma’s shock as the other groomsmen calm Alzado down... JIMMY (O.S.) Good evening...

143 ON THE DANCE FLOOR (WEDDING #3) 143 Jimmy’s holding the mic, addressing the packed room. JIMMY My name’s Bic Mitchum. And I want to say how honored I am to be here. I’ve delivered many a sermon but never a best man speech... GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 130

The audience LAUGHS. JIMMY (cont’d) Doug and I have shared a lot together. Happy times and sad. When I was accepted into the priesthood, Doug was there for me with a huge hug--and a Bible signed by Cardinal Enders. And when his parents, Merle & Irene- (crosses himself) Lord rest their soul, passed, I cried as if they were my own parents... AWWWS from the room. Jimmy turns to Doug. JIMMY (cont’d) My Grandma once told me the true measure of friendship isn’t how you feel about someone else. It’s how they make you feel about yourself. And I’ve never had a friend who makes me feel the way you do, Doug. And I don’t think I ever will. It begins to dawn on Jimmy... he really means what he says and he pauses. Loses his train of thought for a moment. He looks around the room at everyone’s faces as they await his next words... then he looks at Doug who looks at him as if to say - “are you okay?” And he breaks into a smile. JIMMY (cont’d) So, when Doug called and said he was proposing, I was just as nervous as he was. I said “Are you sure she’s The One?” And he told me... Jimmy sees Doug’s smiling, but it’s obvious that he’s still unsure about this marriage. Jimmy turns to Gretchen- JIMMY (cont’d) He said... Gretchen smiles at Doug now. Doug weakly smiles back... Jimmy’s still searching for the words. Unable to go through with it. Is this a crisis of conscience? Then-- DOUG Stop! GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 131

Doug moves to Jimmy’s side. JIMMY (low) Doug, what the hell are you doing? DOUG (low) Thanks, Jimmy. I can take it from here... Doug motions for the mic--Jimmy reluctantly hands it over. Doug stares out at the silent room, clears his throat, then- DOUG (cont’d) I’ve got something to say. None of this is real... GASPS from the audience. Jimmy stares in shock as Gretchen almost faints. Lois holds onto her table to steady herself as Ed flushes with rage. DOUG (cont’d) None of this. You see, although the flowers are beautiful and the salad dressing tastes great, really great actually, we’re not married. Because Bic’s not really a priest... Doug stares at the silent room staring back at him. Realizes what he’s just done and- DOUG (cont’d) (spit-fire) He’s not in the Army either. His name’s Jimmy and I hired him to be my best man because I had no one else, same with my groomsmen. I don’t even know their real names. So I’m sorry if I just ruined your night but please stay and enjoy the cake. Doug nods at the dumbfounded room. Slowly exhales, weight of the world off his shoulders. Turns to Jimmy who’s staring at him wide-eyed and slack-jawed- DOUG (cont’d) (whispers) What do I do now? Jimmy spots Ed, enraged, struggling to his feet- GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 132

JIMMY You should probably get the fuck outta here. MURMURS build as Doug and Jimmy walk across the empty dance floor... DICKERSON (O.S.) WE LOVE YOU DOUGIE!!! GRETCHEN (O.S.) (livid) Are you out of your mind?!? Gretchen steps in front of him- DOUG Look, I’m sorry, I- Gretchen slaps the shit out of him. Doug nods to himself, regarding her, Jimmy stands awkwardly... DOUG (cont’d) Who’re we kidding, Gretch? You didn’t grow up dreaming of a guy like me. Your knight’s out there somewhere. Go find him...Okay, good luck. Doug and Jimmy turn to see Ed hobble-hopping towards them... ED PALMER You goddamn motherfucking pathetic sonovabitch! I’m gonna rip off your fucking head and- Doug and Jimmy scurry for the exit, and Edmundo steps into Ed’s way- ED PALMER (cont’d) Get out of my way you fucking fairy- Edmundo sweeps his leg, soccer-style- EDMUNDO (in his Mexican accent) Fuck off, puto. Jimmy and Doug start off and encounter...ED’S FOOTBALL BUDDIES. There’s a moment of a standoff...then- LEGEND QUARTERBACK That was a hell of a catch, kid. GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 132A

The Legend QB stands aside, and pats Doug on the ass, letting him and Jimmy pass. They’re almost to the exit, and Jimmy is cut off by Alison who regards him with a wry grin, he goes to her a second, and Doug waits, eyes searching the room for other assailants- GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 133

ALISON I knew you were full of shit the second I met you. JIMMY Look, this might sound crazy, but if you’re ever in the mood, I know a place that makes great burritos. ALISON (incredulous) Are you kidding me? You just completely destroyed my sister’s wedding, embarrassed my entire family and- JIMMY Can I call you? ALISON (smiling) You better! They share a moment...Alison looks around. ALISON (cont’d) You should get outta here. Jimmy and Doug make their exit-

144 INT. THE BILTMORE - HALLWAY - MINUTES LATER (WEDDING #3) 144 Doug & Jimmy share relieved look, taking in what just went down, they start walking down the hallway for the exit... JIMMY We were this close. DOUG Yeah, well. Maybe next time. Doug reaches into his pocket and pulls out a check- DOUG (cont’d) Here. GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 133A

DOUG (cont’d) You saved me, Jimmy. GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 134

JIMMY Yeah, well. You saved me back. DOUG But, what you said back there... did you mean it? Am I really your friend? JIMMY Of course you’re my friend. DOUG Does that mean you don’t want my money? JIMMY (beat) What’re you fuckin’ nuts? I earned that money, friend. DOUG ...So what do we do now? Jimmy stops and thinks... JIMMY Well...you never went on that guy trip...you still got two first class tickets for the honeymoon? OFF Doug’s look- CUT TO:

145 INT. AIRPLANE FUSELAGE - COACH - LATER 145 Doug and Jimmy sit side-by-side, drinking champagne... DOUG This is nice. This is gonna be nice- JIMMY It’s amazing how many coach tickets you get for trading in two first class tickets. WIDE REVEAL: Around them...it’s chaos. TRAVELERS following the lead of the groomsmen, who are up and partying with party girls, the Attractive Traveler from TSA is there with Drysdale. They’re doing beer bongs...Edmundo is there with Angel...Doris is there with a smile on her face. GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 135

CAPTAIN (O.S.) We’re turning on the fasten seatbelt sign, we’ll be landing in Tahiti shortly- A FEMALE FLIGHT ATTENDANT tries to get the party to calm down- FEMALE FLIGHT ATTENDANT Everyone. Everyone! Please, we need you to take your seats now- Plunkett grabs the Flight Attendant, pulls her on his lap- PLUNKETT Can I unfasten my pants-belt? He kisses her, she’s into it... Nadia approaches from the front of the plane with a bottle of TEQUILA, straddles Doug and starts rubbing below frame, appearing as if she’s jerking him off. NADIA Oh, you like that...yeah...that’s the spot...you’re twitching. You’re so soft...You’re nose is so cold. A DOG BARKS. REVEAL: Nadia is actually petting FLETCHER, he’s alive but in a pretty hefty jaw brace...sitting in between Jimmy and Doug. A MALE FLIGHT ATTENDANT, RA’INUI, approaches- MALE FLIGHT ATTENDANT (RA’INUI) Is that a dog? You can’t have a dog on the plane. Doug looks up from taking a BODY SHOT off of Nadia... DOUG (coughing, laughs) Oh no, he’s...a service dog. JIMMY Hey, send back the peanut butter! DOUG NO! NO PEANUT BUTTER! DOLLY BACK IN WIDE AS... GREEN REVISED 10.22.13 136

PLUNKETT THIS IS GONNA BE THE BEST HONEYMOON EVER! ALZADO EVER HONEYMOON BEST THE BE GONNA IS THIS! The Travelers start a new song, lead by Edmundo- EVERYONE (singing) You put the WEED IN THE COCONUT... CUT TO BLACK.