QUOTABLE FAST FACT: IN THIS ISSUE: QUOTE: If you stick fingers in your nostrils and ears Posterior 12 DO UNTO others as If and blow as hard as you can with your mouth Toenails 13 they have a picture of shut, the top of your head will pop off. what you did this Rashness 20 weekend.

Discordia College Moosehead, Minisoda Volume 81, Number 1 DlSCORDIAN Dec. 9, 1988

Sneaky select students secretly simulate superiors by Cinnamon N. Sugar Gohnson and Kobson arranged and Mr. Planning and really knew genetic blonde for Ducky and Planning to be kid- what they were talking about." napped the day of the meeting. "I was concerned about the match- Student Association President "I remember my kidnapper saying ing lipstick marks on Kobson's face," Geoff Gohnson and Vice President not to worry about anything, not said Joe Smith, another Rejent Knut Kobson were caught imper- even the Bored Rejects meeting," "Otherwise, they had me fooled." sonating Dr. Paul Ducky, predisent Planning said. "The Halloween spirit got a little of Discordia College, and Morrie The kidnappers have not been out of hand. I like a joke as much as "Poor" Planning, dean of students identified as of yet, but it is assumed the next college president, but im- and vice president for student affairs, they are close to personation is a at a recent Bored Rejects meeting. Gohnson and serious charge. It The Bored Rejects, for their Kobson. All of came as a real Christmas meeting, had discussions Student Associa- "We basically shock to me. I did regarding intervisitation and the tion is under in- controlled the first not think Geoff grading policy on their agenda. vestigation regar- half." and Knut coukl be Ducky and Planning were asked to ding the matter. responsible for present the college's point of view on "I won't men- Debbie Doowah such and act," these issues. tion names at this sex therapist Ducky com- Kobson, dressed as Planning, point," Ducky ™^^«^ ^"•"" mented, when said, "We knew Ducky and Planning said. asked about how would not be able to present student With Ducky and Planning pre- he felt about the incident. views. Me and Geoff hoped that occupied, Gohnson and Kobson Planning added that he would dressing and acting the way we did, dressed up and presented their views have to consider appropriate we could fool the board and present at the meeting under the names of disciplinary measures for the two. students' views. I think that it is im- Paul J. and "Poor." "I'm disappointed in Knut and portant to our job, after all, it is in "I thought we did a fine job Geoff," Ducky said. "This action is our job descriptions. The board indeed," Gohnson said. 'The Re- so unlike them." would then naturally approve if jects were receptive, although a bit "I enjoyed it quite a bit," Kobson Ducky and Planning were in favor of surprised, at what we had to say. We said. "It was worth it. People really such new policies." were very close to getting the liked our Squeak-400 pins and Gohnson, dressed as Ducky, changes made when they found out" nametags." agreed, adding that, "It was a gutsy The Rejects found out about the Gohnson added, "No one noticed move. No one in SA even knew impersonation charges when a very my half-Windsor knot tie. That about it. Me and Knut kept it pretty bedraggled real Ducky and Planning disappointed me. I just hope that this secret, indeed." walked into the meeting. Their kid- little incident does not keep me out Gohnson and Kobson struck upon nappers had released them, assum- of law school." the idea of impersonation while ing the business of the meeting Currently the two are doing forced thinking of Halloween costume would be completed. community volunteer service for the ideas. Suzy Sunshine, a member of the Democratic party until further action "We got to talking about using the Bored Rejects, said, "I wasn't too is taken. costumes to our advantage," Kobson skeptical of them. They did appear The Bored Rejects will meet later Student leaders impersonate top Discordia officials. The one said. "It was then we thought about younger than usual, but they in January with the same meeting on the left had no comment because he was out buying gum. the board meeting." remarkably looked like Dr. Ducky agenda from Christmas. Ducky decides to drive for dignified duty by Debbie Doowah "I'm leaning toward running under be taught. Anyway, we all use drugs Tongues in cheek . . . sex therapist the Republican ticket," he said. "I'm anyway, drugs like aspirin, Vivarin, used to being conservative. After all, caffeine, Robbitussin, Alka Selzer, Discordia President Dr. Paul Discordia is a very conservative Midol. So what's the big deal?" Ducky has announced that he will school. Look at our Norwegian Ducky has come under fire himself run for U.S. president in 1992. heritage. Traditionally, Norwegian- lately for allegedly being involved in Ducky doesn't yet know which Americans have been very conser- drug sales to Norway. Allegedly, it all political party he will represent He vative." began back in 1982 when Ducky doesn't seem concerned about it, Ducky has smuggled cocaine however. come under fire to Norway in the "There's no rush to decide," recently for his Yumcomst Ship. Ducky said. "I have another four wife's involvement "We basically "If I had been years. In the meantime I may have in a drug cam- involved in smug- changed my whole political paign. Hardy controlled the first gling drugs to philosophy. We'll just have to wait Ducky served as half." Norway, and I'm and see." national Debbie Doowah not saying I was, Hardy Ducky, first lady of Discor- spokeswoman for sex therapist why would I have dia and hopeful first lady of the coun- the "Just Say Yes" done it?" Ducky try, isn't worried about her campaign. This said. "I mean, it's husband's indecision. campaign is a not like we have a "I'm not worried about my hus- front for the Drugpushers in Educa- significant band's indecision/' Hardy Ducky tion Party. It advocates teaching number of Norwegian students at said. "Personally, I think he's lean- drug use in public schools. The cam- Discordia and we'd want to bribe ing toward the Democrats. He does paign's motto is "Just Say Yes — Say them to come here, or anything." have a few wild hairs in him, you yes to everything — drugs, alcohol, In an effort to regain popularity, know, just not many on his head. But sex." Ducky has joined with Moosehead you know, I've always been attracted "I believe in this motto," Hardy State University President Dille to men with receding hairlines." Ducky said. "I mean, where better to Ducky said, though, that he is learn about drug use than in high Please see Ducky / 3 "You just put your tongue In my earl And just where did leaning toward the Republican party. school? There, responsible use can you learn that little trick, Mr. Freddy Becker?!" File Photo POOPLE < | • • * s* AGE • • • p• »' t • # • • 1 * V:." • • .-••• t • m\ • • *•- A. • • •.' • t mw .: 1 *. •* '• 0 * • 0 TOO • • • .•• . • ' .• • • ••-. • HERE/THERE • r. V - * * i . The Emperor's condition, which was • • Female faces first heading downward lately, has now been • • • Bennie Butt-ho was selected as prime upgraded to "crappy." minister of the nation of Pakkystan a little Anti-Christ Reverse Enema while ago. The neat thing is that she is a she and Pakkystan is pretty sexist. As a result of Brass belt buckle bars bullet The Anti-Christ will be the keynote Reverse Enema will make an appearanc Butt-ho's election, many things will have to Seven-year-old Lester Chester, Hicktown, speaker at Friday evening's Squeak-400 at the Discordia nursing program's change in the palace. N.F., was shot and attacked by a molester last banquet. The topic of the speech will be Excrement Lab. The little squirt will spea First of all, for two or three days each Thursday evening following a kick-off fun- "The Useless use of Unleaded Fuel on on 'The Useless Use of Unleaded Gas on month, there will be severe negotiations. draiser for Dr. Paul Ducky's presidential cam- America's Highways." Squeak-400 America's Highways." These won't be to avoid war, but just to make paign. Chester was spared only by his six-inch Chairman Oxidized Callous said the Anti- Enema, who has recently been visiting people feel bad every now and then. square brass belt buckle commemorating the Christ was the only person left on the list hospitals across the nation, is promoting Secondly, women are no longer going to be North Forty Centennial which apparently stop- of people to speak. its latest work, titled "How I Made A called "doughhead" as they have been over the ped the bullet The bullet hit smack dab in the "I hear that he'll be twirling fire batons Million Spots On One Bedsheet," which centuries. Instead, men must be more respec- middle of the little windmill in the buckle. and chawing gum at the same time," has reached number two on the Hospital table and call them Miss Doughhead. 'The tacky buckle was so big and thick that Callous said. "It should be a hot show." Waiting Room Best-Seller List Thirdly, any women who think they can get it stopped the bullet dead in its tracks," Dr. Anti-Christ will also appear at the 2-5 Enema is currently en route to away with making men walk around with those Livingston I. Presume of St. Puke's Hospital Lounge in Fargone with the Discordia Embarrassment, Mini., to receive an aware jugs on their heads are still sorely mistaken. in Fargone. "It's good tokno w those god-awful Choir. It will be one of his stops on his from the Lavatory Producers of America, ugly things are good for something." "Den of Iniquity Tour '88." for his achievements in perfecting his technique in 600-yard runs. Kremlin captain crazy Soviet leader Mikhail Garbagehead decided Dome debut discussed to let himself go "glasnuts" yesterday. Fargone Mayor Jon Singren announced Garbagehead was quoted by CRASS, the of- next week that a dome will indeed be built in ficial news agency, as saying. Fargone. CRAMPUS "We Polishburo members are really It would host a variety of civic events. The screwed. We're gonna hire some babushkas debut performance will be a concert given by Slick sidewalks — start skating Ducky does discussion for a shot at runnign this crappy country." Gar- the Monsters of Rock. Discordia students are encouraged to dig Dr. Paul Ducky, president of Discordia, lastj bagehead added that applications are available Various other concerts, conventions and out their skates and take advantage of the icy week held a Fireside Chat in the lounge o: at the Discordia Stud Affairs Office and are athletic events will also be held at the dome, sidewalks around the campus. Maintenance Hohum Hall. Unfortunately, due to a rash o due by 5 p.m. Friday. according to Singren. workers have been working double shifts to unexplained hairwashing by the residents,! The Krown Prince of the Kremlin has been The first athletic event will be a football make sure that every sidewalk has been buffed Ducky was left alone in the room for the e reported to have been really weird lately, talk- game between the North Forty State Univer- with the ice polishing machine. No other cam- tire scheduled time. ing to V.I. Lennon's painting and walking sity Bison and the teenage mutant ninja pus can boast having as many square feet of Undeterred, Ducky spoke to himself at around in ladies' lingerie singing the theme turtles. The two teams will meet head-to-head slippery sidewalks as Discordia. length on a variety of topics. Eventually he sone of "Bedknobs and Broomsticks." with the turtles expected to win by 80 points. became bored and snuck out of the room. The spread is so large because ninjas can Libyan leader leads leches disappear in the blink of an eye, making it dif- Christmas celebration cancelled ficult for their opponents to tackle them. Moosehead State University will not present Discordian dopes do drugs Recent terrorist attacks in the Middle East its annual Christmas Pageant this year because In a surprise move last week, Morrie "Poor" have been blamed on Libya again, although President-Elect poops on plans directors were unable to find any wise men. Planning, vice president of student affairs and Libya leader Mammary Coughy denies that President Dille Pickle denied charges that the dean of students, forced his way into The these "wimpy" attacks could have been In a press conference on Thursday, institution's academic level was falling, argu- Discordian office and demanded to see the perpetrated by his dirty bunch of slugs. President-Elect George Busch announced his ing that the director's requirements for wise contents of all the desks. "My dirty bunch of slugs don't have this decision not to be president The office will men were "much too stringent" Apparently, he suspected the writers and much imagination/' Coughy said. "They only now go to Democrat and still hopeful Mikail staff of drug use. Finding nothing in the desks, get into senseless slaughter of women and Julekake. he shrugged his shoulders and left children." "A Julekake in the office is better than a bird CREEPO class causes calamity Discordian sex therapist Debbie Doowah The attacks have included such strategies and a Busch," Busch said. "Especially now In one CREEPO philosophy class last week, was unavailable for comment, but the mere as tickling the big toes of airline passengers, that it's Christmas time — two months after the professor (whose name isn't being released suspicion ofDiscordian staffers using drugs is goosing old ladies in the marketplace, using the bombing of Pearl Harbor." pending litigation) made a statement that was of course preposterous and completely phtang whoopie cushions on the chairs of high The shocked and appalled crowd of so deep, most of the class went completely phtand BING! Omigosh? Whoosh. Ork. Ork. governmental officials and clogging airport reporters gasped and choked over the news, insane. Ork. Tee hee. bathrooms with paper towels. i Vice President-Elect Roast Quail was Joe Cobber, a witness who survived only unavailable for comment Grandma Busch, the because he wasn't paying attention, said the Television talkies tussle president-elect's wife, was also unavailable for scene was horrible. Someone steals comment because she was out of town film- Geraldo Riviera, talk-show junkie, and guest "The prof was talking about the nature of Some stealthy individual has taken to steal- ing a Geritol commercial. identity, or something. He drew a diagram that ing words from Discordian articles. The per- host Oprah Windchill got into a spat on live Julekake was joyous and felicitous upon television Monday afternoon. Apparently, proved conclusively that President Ducky was son apparently sneaks into the late at hearing the news. His wife Kitty coughed up a rutabaga. It wouldn't have been so bad in and cuts from Windchill socked Riviera in the nose. Insults afurball. were tossed back and forth between the two a regular class, but the CREEPO students Discordian sex therapist Doowah of them while they were mud wrestling. though so deeply about it that they just sorta appalled these actions. "Your nose is too big!" Windchill said. Sturgeon starts smoking freaked," he said. "If I who ,IT1 them up by their Cobber said most of the students started and for three days!" she "Oh, yeah, well your head is too big for your C. Chicken Koop, sturgeon general of the body," retorted Riviera. violently hurling paper airplanes at each other. "Someone just can't and !" United States, was apprehended by a Satanic One assumed a fetal position and began sum- Campus Insecurity no leads case, The two were mudslmging for nearly the en- cult on Wednesday and has been forced to tire taping before Windchill popped him one marizing Playdough's Republic in hushed but searching frantically culprit smoke cigarettes. Koop, who is very well- tones. Another stood on her chair and explain- , the head of said, "If we who, in the nose. Riviera was last seen in a Satanic known for his stance against smoking and the cult near Al Capone's vault ed loudly that her roommate had mutated in- we'll them up by their and torture of chickens, is now reported to be to a medium two-item pizza. for three days!" ' hooked on the tobacco product and is ad- Ducky issued a statement claiming that he In an anonymous to the of The Emperor eventually emits vocating its use and abuse. was not a rutabaga. Discordian, alleged culprit , "Ha ha The latest bunk on Emperor Hirohitler of Experts say that Koop has been brain- ha ha! You bunch of , you'll never Jappin' is that he had a headache today, but ' washed by the Satanic cult Some sources me up by my and for any length of it went away when nurses discovered he had report that he is now following Minisoda Virus visits vicinity time!" filled his bedpan for the second time this Senator David Hamburger like a smorgasbord . An epidemic of writers' cramp has hit The month. Palace spokespeople commented on Discordian staff, shortening articles this exciting turd of events. noticeably. "It hardly took His Highness any timet o fill the Honorable Throne this time," gurgled Ton of Won, honorable ricewasher . "And his con- sistency is much more solid." i

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Ducky from page 1 They always serve chicken in some Ducky has already started raising Pickle to save the iguanas trapped in kind of sauce. I get sick of it. I support from Slobbers for his bid for Sexy's Pond. Pickle has come under wonder if the director of catering has the presidency. A recent Squeak-400 Minstrels mooned censure lately for keeping an iguana ever heard of cod in white sauce. banquet in his honor raised $2.74 in the Slology building at MSU. "Anyway, getting back to the million. by Who's Batten then it wouldn't take long for the When asked what some of the point, Paul and I do believe in Morrie "Poor" Planning, Ducky's he's on first whole college to know that we're planks in his platform will be, Ducky astrology. We consult a medium campaign manager, formed a com- a bunch of fun guys." said, "Oh, I don't know. What's a almost weekly. Usually it's a mittee called "Slobber Friends for The Discordia Concert Choir Claus' repertoire for 2-5 plank? No, I'm just kidding. I know newspaper. No, I'm getting media Ducky" to help Ducky. This group has gone commercial this year in Lounge concerts fits in with the a plank is a board. No, seriously, one confused with medium. Anyway, we recently mailed a letter to all of order to finance next year's surroundings. Lounge favorites of the things I want to do is raise do consult a medium. I know this is Discordia's mailing list. This raised planned Moon trip aboard the include, of cours, "Who Drank Social Security benefits. Old people a Christian college a furor among space shuttle Norsk. Beethowen's Fifth?" "Hello, just don't get enough money. After and all, but Paul area politicians. The choir is reportedly a hit at Walls," "Red, Red, Wine," "Con- taxes and stuff like that are taken and I don't think Earl String- the "2-5 Lounge," a halfway fortably Numb," and, for those out, they don't have enough money that really mat- bean, another house for unwanted, drunken customers still remaining after all to donate to charities. This concerns ters. What we do "We basically Slobber who tried sods. that excitement, "Spit It Out" me. Discordia College, you know, in our own private controlled the first the same thing With approval from the Discor- Thelatter is often sung to accom- operates on the same principle as a time is up to us." just a few weeks dia Bored Rejects, director Ren- paniment from the stalls in the charity. I mean, we have people who Another plank half." ago, and got in ney "Paul J." Claus booked a men's room. give money to us. Why, it would be on Ducky's plat- Debbie Doowah loads of trouble, series of performances every Crowd approval, as usual, ex- awful if some old person who wanted form is increased sex therapist complained to the Wednesday from 12 a.m. to 1 cites the heck out of thf loir to give money to Discordia couldn't spending for Bored Rejects. a.m. through the holiday season. members. because they couldn't afford it." defense. He wants "Why can "The Rejects were so good to "Everybody stands up when we're Ducky also believes in fluctuating to raise defense Ducky use the help us out here," Claus said. done and leaves, just drunk with jail sentences for felons. That means spending by $16 mailing list and "We promised we'd be good." happiness." how long a felon stays in jail depends billion, mostly for arms to go to Nor- not me?" Stringbean whined. "It's The Rejects have been "I just love it when some peo- on their heritage and astrological way. He isn't concerned that the ad- elitism and protectionism, that's reported to have visited the 2-5 ple get so much into our perfor- sign. The maximum sentence is 10 ded $16 billion will set the budget what it is." four or five times since the choir mance, they come up and sing years, and the minimum sentence is out of whack. The Bored Rejects decided Ducky began singing there. with us," junior Dave Garbage a week. "Running a country with a bal- was indeed within his right to use the The purpose for the choir trip, said. "They're kinda out of tune, "Norwegians are basically good anced budget isn't all that impor- list and Stringbean was a naughty according to Norm Lawrence- though. Out-of-tune people are so folk," Ducky said. "None of them tant," Ducky said. "After all, over the boy. welkson, former chair of the barbaric." would ever do anything wrong, so last 10 years I've run Discordia into Moosehead activist Reily Tikthoff, Bored Rejects and short-stick Most choir members were they're the ones who g^t only a week. the ground, and no one's noticed, a long-time opponent of Ducky's, drawer in the "Loser Gets His astounded at the variety of You know, the only reason they have We just keep building new buildings, formed a group called Voters United Name on the Administration beverages served at the 2-5. to serve time at all is to make it look and everyone thinks we've got lots of to Stop Ducky (or VD) to stop Building" contest, is twofold. "This is the neatest Slobber good. Not everyone is Norwegian, so money. That's the main thing — Ducky's bid for the presidency, "Well, first of all, those crazy Cooler I've ever experienced!" some of them just wouldn't under- making everyone think you've got "It's just awful," Tikthoff said. "If kids always have put up an unholy blubbered Grub E. Toenail. "I stand." money. No one wants to donate to Ducky gets elected, it'll be the end row about singing someplace, think some of the stuff smells fun- Hardy Ducky admitted that the a loser." of the U.S. as we know it. Discordia and we figured we'd send 'em ny, though. Not enough Kool-Aid Duckys can recite all 12 of the zodiac Ducky has also taken a firm stand will keep on expanding until it someplace where they'd shut up," or something." signs. on abortion. reaches from coast to coast. No said Lawrencewelkson. "Second- "It's fun here!" ejaculated "Me and Paul, we're big believers "I've taken a firm stand on abor- homeowner will be safe. Let them eat ly, we needed a place to go after freshman Bobby Brown. of astrology," Hardy Ducky said. tion, but at this point I can't say what corn. all those exhausting Reject "Our agenda is as hectic as it "Paul, he's a Leo, and I'm a Pisces. it is," he said. Ducky's final plank in his platform meetings. If we showed up there was in Hell," Claus said. "We're Fish, that's my favorite food you Hardy Ducky said she will be is to do something about the food in and the choir members saw us, hoping it's as exciting as Hell." know. I wish they'd serve it at careful to return whatever designer the cafeteria, Squeak-400 banquets more often. dresses she has borrowed before the "I think the food in the cafeteria j, election. sucks," he said." July 4, 1988 • The DIscordian • 3 Mean Mafia members make many mighty mad by Miss Discordia other Mafiosi proceeded to turn Many students are saddened at the pageant queen Slobber minds to slush by changing death of these three. However, some the dry bar to an alcoholic one. look at their deaths in a different Last Friday night, Discordia Unaware of the alcohol content in light. received a surprise visit from the the drinks, most Slobbers drank Slobber Joe commented on the Mafia at this year's Casino Night. until they became total wastoids. tragedy by saying, "It really is too bad The society, known for its criminal With the aid of alcohol and other they kicked the bucket — but they actions, forced its w^y past Discor- narcotics supplied by the mob, really died for a good cause." dia's indestructible security guards Discordia became a place of He continued by saying, "We had a into the crowded casino filled with promiscuity. fun time and Discordia students now nasty little Slobbers frivolously Females dressed in their skimpy, know what life can be like." squandering their parent's hard - flashy flapper dresses, started strip- Another Slobber agreed with Joe earned money. tease dancing on the tables, with the in saying, "The Mafia visit was a Naturally, this is a prime target for males drooling and lusting after blessing in disguise. Discordia the Mafia. These men dressed in them. students are too overly protected black and white zoot suits carrying As Campus Insecurity slowly here — they just experienced violin cases, casually sauntered into recovered from the attack by the something new, and perhaps some the Casino. Mafia, they gathered more troops student's eyes were opened wide." One very observant Cobber together, moving them into the Everyone was scared to death of thought the mob members looked Casino with the plan to destroy the the Mafia members at first, but the Don "Guido" Johnsino, notorious mobster and all-around evil- "suspicious." Yet even the untrained mob by tearing them each limb from fear soon turned to sighs of relief. doer, wheels and deals at Casino. Johnsino is considered to eye could tell these men were up to limb. The gangsters promised the Slob- be Discordia's connection with the Mafia. He was unable to be no good. Insecurity soon found their ven- bers safety from the long greedy reached for comment but was last seen escaping the campus The gangsters positioned them- ture to be a failure. Never before hav- arms of Discordia's resident in his new Porsche with his Polo coat flapping in the breeze. selves at all possible exits while their ing experienced the "bad" life, Slob- assistants and hall directors. leader went from table to table bers didn't want the evening's events With the freedom from all possi- demanding the cash. to end. As a result, the students ble write-ups, the Slobbers "lived it More than one Slobber noted that revolted against the actions of up." the leader looked surprisingly like Insecur-ity, and forced them to The mobsters got away with Carpool cars cause commotionour own Dr. Paul Ducky, president "retreat. several million Slobber dollars, but by Pristine Medicine Another misuse of the Krause- of the college. However, everyone The revolt however, proved fatal all agreed that it was a small price to knew that it could not be the for three of our own Slobbers. As pay for the service of safety they were head typesettress mobiles is that of smuggling local church decorations out of the state. esteemed Ducky, because Discordia (hey got in the way of gunfire so magnanimously affording us. Over the past several months The It is uncertain whether this too was would never purposefully take more exchanged between the Mafia and Yes, it was a very eventful night Discordian has discovered that car- a result of the desperate need for than their fair share of Slobber Campus Insecurity, the students fell indeed and Slobbers left the Casino pool cars, known as Krausemobiles, money by Discordia students or parent's money. „ to the ground with blood spattering merrily. have been misused by mischevious simply a prank pulled by some of the While the robbery was occurring, all over the freshly waxed floor. Discordia students who are out to Discordia freshmen. make a few bucks or simply desire a A final misuse of the Krause- cheap thrill. mobiles that The Discordian has Liquor leniency lures lots of little lushes When the director of the carpool been made aware of is taking the by Dead Braines 9. North Forty State University, elimination of the drinking policy was asked if he felt that this situation cars out in search of innocent happy photographic wonder Fargone, North Forty here at Discordia will soon be in could justly be called a problem, he Slobbers. Just this past week on the 10. Confucias Adumbus, Cess effect. replied, "yes, it can/' Discordia campus several Krause- Statistics show that Discordia Col- Richard, Minisoda Dr. Paul Ducky, president of the Among the several misuses of the mobiles were seen driving down the lege's record enrollment is due to its College officials were not surprised college, thinks that "the elimination * Krausemobiles by students, one of paths in search of Slobbers who more lenient policy toward alcohol. by the upward motion of Discordia of the drinking policy will be a the most common is to earn a little looked too happy and who, in their A recent poll taken by the National in the poll since the college news- change for the better." extra money. Discordia students opinion, needed to be mowed down. College Association ranked Discor- paper had been promoting drinking Ducky also would like to see a stu- have been known to take a car for Fortunately no one was seriously in- dia third in the nation per capita con- for some time now. College officials dent union built on campus that what seems to be a legitimate reason, jured as it is close to vacation and sumption of intoxicating beverages. think that the results of this poll are served alcoholic beverages and good only to rent it out to friends and most are too stressed to even smile The NCA's list is as follows: very promising. food. roommates for a high profit. No one and say, "Hi! How are you?" and 1. Oral Hygiene University, Salsa, One official said "enrollment is ex- "I think the food in the cafeteria seems to mind as long as the cars are "Have a nice day!" (Good thing, too. Okehomely pected to increase next year with the sucks," Ducky said. returned to the correct parking lot At least now we know the reason for 2. Lutefisk Book Institute, widespread publication of these and the mileage is recorded. all of the recent pressures on Issawhere, Washingstone results." Many officials think that the Not only are the cars being sublet, students.) But, even so, it was quite 3. Discordia College, Moosehead, but also, in the case of a particular the foot chase for Discordia Campus Minisoda Discordia student, the car was sold Insecurity to catch up with them. 4. St. Riot State University, St. Riot, to a student at an area university for According to Dr. Paul Ducky, Minisoda twice its worth. When asked what president of Discordia, if this misuse 5. Temple Beth-el, Cess Pool, she told the carpool director, the stu- of school property continues, all Minisoda dent said she pleaded innocent, tell- students, whether they live on or off 6. Cantechie Athiest College, Chur- ing Krause that the car was beamed campus, will be forced to eat the chill Downs, Cantechie up by aliens of another planet and main course in Discordia Whining 7. Specific Lutefisk University, that she was lucky just to escape. We Service. Commenting on this, the Glaucoma, Washingstone asked Krause if he believed her and director of the carpool replied, "The 8. Hamloin University, Cess Pool, , he said "yes." food in the cafeteria sucks." Minisoda

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Stevie Wonder and some chick we don't know do their part to keep Discordia as one of the top 10 party schools around.

4% off 3.7% off 1/8% off 3% off EXCURSION 7 THEATRE 5432 10th St. So. ^ -_ Mon.-Th. 3:43, 5:22. 8:15V* Mark-up Square Saturday the 7th PCa-1 7 Frl.-Sun. 10:30, 2:28, 7:02, 11:02 Mon.-Th. 2:22, 5:00, 9:00, 7:00 859-4732 Sunday the 8th B Sat.-Sun. 1:26, 3:23, 8:01, 10:35 It's never showing * FREE doorknob wax with doorknob purchase of $500 or more. ($1.99 value) Monday the 9th Nc ine Not even on the weekends!! It's not worth the time on the Tuesday the 10th 4 weekend! . . Mon.-Th. 1:26. 3:24. 6:00. 8:21 Wednesday the 11th R- 1 O Fri.-Sun. 10:00, 7:00, 3:00, 1:29 It's a free-for-all ^Thursday the 12th ? Come whenever you have time-j 4 • The Djscqrdian • Dec. 9, 1988 - >.' '

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i^SI The Discordian April 9, 1988 EDITOR'S OPINION Stop Ducky at all costs No doubt you've all heard by now that our very own Dr. Paul Ducky is running for president No, not president of Discordia (he's already that), but president of the United States. Many of you will probably agree with me that running a college is quite a bit different than running a country. Just why does Ducky think he qualifies to run a country? I don't know, but your guess is as good as mine. Ducky has said over and over again that he qualifies to run the country because he has run Discordia successfully. Well, that can be debated. In the past 10+ years Ducky has managed Discordia, look at what's happened. Discordia's social policy stinks. We're still stuck back in the Dark Ages with no intervisitation, no alcohol, no refrigerators, no candles. If Ducky was really so interested in making things better for students, why hasn't he changed these outdated social policies? And he has the audacity to call himself a social leader! And what about his social welfare policy? I have a hard time believing he will give much money to the poor, seeing the current state of affairs at Discordia. Ducky's practicing elitism right here at Discordia — only the top 10 percent of people in North Forty, Minisoda and Moantana can afford to send their children to Discordia. This is due entirely to the fact that Ducky believes in no financial aid. What's going to happen to all the underprivileged in the country if Ducky gets elected? They'll starve, that's what Ducky has also shown that he sucks in matters of LETTERS defense. He has proved he couldn't defend Discordia if his life depended on it The recent attack by the Mafia shows Writer calls intervisitation a vile policy that. So does the recent attack by angry Moosehead To the sex therapist: of letting me in a women's dorm at dards at all, you will help me in residents. Led by the local activist Reily Tikthoff, they I would like to state my disgust all makes my stomach churn. Does eliminating all intervisitation snuck into Beast Complex and stole Christmas decorations. with the intervisitation policy here at this college have no morals? Men policies. A riot will be started in front How did they manage that? Where was Campus Insecurity? Discordia. Men are allowed in should be completely forbidden from of the Kobson Center next week. No, I doubt whether Ducky could defend a whole country, women's dorms on Friday between a women's dormitory room. Just Join in to stomp immoraltiy. the hours of 4 p.m. and midnight, think of what could be happening either. Saturday between the hours of 1 behind closed doors. At least they Joe Cobber And how about environmental issues? There are no trees p.m. and midnight and Sunday bet- picked an appropriate orientation affronted left at Discordia right now because of all the construction. ween the hours of 1 and 10 p.m. I theme this year, "Explore the find this simply absurd. The thought Soon, with the construction of the campus mall, there will Possibilities." If you have any stan- also be no grass left. Where are all the squirrels, birds and This person must really dislike the food in the Whining Service rabbits supposed to live? And how about the golden-dome iguanas trapped on Sexy's Pond? Why hasn't Ducky done To the sex therapist: sucks. anonymous I think the food in the cafeteria something about them? On education issues, Ducky has also proved to be a flop. This guy hates the way societies are being forced to operate^ I mean, let's be truthful here. Have any of you actually To the sex therapist Whatever happened to just getting whole thing is, do you? received a good education here at Discordia? No, I think What ever happened to good, together and getting sloshed? Discordia's new hazing Dolicpolicyv jusiustt not. clean, old fashioned fun? Discordia's I don't know what the big concern keeps a lot of us from having a good So the proof is all here. Students — don't support Ducky new hazing policy takes all the ex- over hazing is anyhow. It's not like time. It's just not fair that we had to citement out of being in a society. anybody's ever died at Discordia go through those good times and for president. I think we should join Reily Tikthoff in Pledging used to be the highlight of before. The odds are in our favor. now our new pledges don't get the fighting against Ducky. being involved in a society. (Actually, It's not like we were doing same opportunities we had. It's Students, unite! D that's all we ever did.) Now, Discor- anything all that dangerous anyway. stupid. dia actually expects us to be produc- We're more interested in sporting tive members of the campus socie- events ... like track and field night Johnny Frat ty. We're supposed to raise money or service activities like bartenders. loser for charities and stuff like that. I don't see what the big deal with the DISCORDIAN Girl complains of hating her roommate To the sex therapist more of your quotes do not make the your red hair. Dr. Paul Ducky, Publisher • Debbie Doowah, Sex Therapist Old Lady Holtan, Overseer • Shelly Moneybags, Chief Embezzler I hate you. I hate living with you. quote board. Your only redeeming John Boo, Photo Overseer Ken Marchingband, Floatie King And I hate your information analyst qualities are you fried rice, beef your roommate Who's Batten, He's On First • Ginger "Snorkles" Rogers. Information Analyst as well. So there. It's not fair that stroganoff, spaghetti and of course, Mary Kay Samples, Human Being • Chip 0. Pie, Editor of Nothing Miss Discordia, Pageant Queen • Jennifer Heifer, Layout Queen Dead Braines, Photographic Wonder • Pristine Medicine, Head Typesettress "My Sharona" offends a fundy with homosexual tendencies Chris Upchuck, Assistant Floatie King • Kent OnGaard, Floatie Layout King Beer Stein, Floatie Designer • Bartlet Pears, Floatie Representative To the sex therapist have worn those tights. My friend Phil Liza Jerkstad, Floatie Representative • Steve Hag. Floatie Representative I don't think those actors in "The Steve is still in a coma. Jerry Acres, Floatie Representative • Speed, Graphic Artist pjoqseOjows Warbling Burglar, Office Manager Two Boys from My Sharona" should SUde Cardencr • Steve Handsome • Blondey. Shooters Shaunii Piano • Be* McCillu • Rou • Plain "Jane" Preheim. Editorial Techtes Theresa Weekley • Uza Plumber. Advertising Techies Mory Bentfstone • Becky Plebchmann • Mime Hart • Liu Weckleu. Typesettresscs This writer hates graffiittii The Discordkm is the unofficial newspaper of Discordia College and is published every once To the sex therapist: before either! I'd also like to thank restroom as, if they did, we would be in while when we feel like it and not when we don't. Opinions expressed in The Discordian are not those of anyone, especially the administration. I'm writing in response to the graf- the custodians for leaving all the im- able to read some of the writings. If they had their way, we wouldn't have a Discordian. fiittii (take your pick of spellings) in pressive scrawlings up on the walls. Some one should come up with a Letters to the sex therapist provide a forum for readers. Letters may be anonymous. We aren't the for stall in the men's room at the It is clear that they have a reasonable rosetta stone for the library. interested in knowing who you are. For that matter, don't write any tetters. We'd rather fill the space ourselves. Form letters and letters longer than 1.000 words will take priority. (If we're going Carl B. Eelsucker library. Yes, I am amount of taste and common sense 5 to have letters, we might as well make it worthwhile.) We should receive your letters by Thursday a business rmgor. No, my taste in col- as they edit scrupulously. It makes Mercedes money (too true) to go in that week's paper. Whether or not your letter is printed will depend on whether or not ored pens is far greater than your no difference that apparently no one the sex therapist likes you, so treat her good. The Discordian will not edit obscene or libclous a subscriber to the public forum in material. That's the way we like it best. All letters become our property to make paper airplanes. taste in pencils as a writing medium, in the know about such things as the restroom Advertising inquiries should be directed to Ken Marchingband, floatie king, at 218-555-3827. I've never seen a Weeble do that grammar and spelling use the The sex therapist doesn't have a phone. Subscriptions are free, but if you want to pay for it, it's $7 per school year. Offices are located at second floor Knobson Center, Discordia College, 901 South Eighth Street, Moosehead, Minisoda 55555. The Discordian's mailing address is F.P.0.104, Discordia College, Moosehead, Minisoda 55555. Alcohol allowed although not admitted at aerobics by Cinnamon N. Sugar driver who wishes to remain stated. There are also alcoholic orange juice, cocktail napkins, know whaf s going on, but I know genetic blonde anonymous, to protect both the drinks being served there. Those spoons, cups, cocktail napkins, what's happening at Freezer. It's my innocent and himself. students who know a secret pass- straws and empty five-quart ice job. If alcohol was being served, I Discordia's Slobber Freezer Upon hearing the rumors, Dr. word, are served an alcoholic drink." cream pails. would know about it If there was South, located at the Slobber Cult, Paul Ducky, president of the college, "Our drinks are non-alcoholic. We "We never can keep ice cream gambling, I would know it. If there is under investigation based on the made a visit to the Cult for an aerobic don't put alcohol in our drinks," said stock in stock," said Cunningham. was a secret password, I would know rumors that the Freezer is actually workout and a Freezer drink. Cunningham. "The ice cream menu items are our it. If we run out of ice cream, serving alcoholic drinks. "I thought the drink was tasty, "I've never been inside the Cult," biggest sellers." however, that I can't explain," said The Freezer advertises the serving refreshing, but I could taste no said the shuttle van driver. "I am a The search also found a small Cunningham. of a wide selection of refreshing, alcohol whatsoever in it," com- bit curious as to what goes on inside doorbell type buzzer fastened to the "This case is far from being non-alcoholic drinks. However, mented Ducky, through a hiccup. there, but I am also a bit scared to underside of the serving bar, a false closed," said Ducky. 'Things still lately, Slobbers returning from Richie Cunningham, a senior go inside. I'm not sure what to back panel in a cupboard, a deck of seem a bit fishy out there, but I trust aerobic workouts have been seen manages the Slobber Freezer. expect" cards, poker chips and one locked my Slobbers to do no wrong. After staggering in drunken stupor from "Our drinks are non-alcoholic. We The Freezer was investigated freezer. all, Dudley Do-Right is our Kringle the shuttle vans. Drivers of the vans don't put alcohol in our drinks; this thoroughly by the Discordia Campus "It does seem strange," said Days King. Slobbers are all good have noticed "alcohol breath" on the is a dry campus," he said. Insecurity. The inspection yielded Handy Ask-a-guard of Campus people. And besides, if alcohol is riders. "They may be operating the nothing concrete. Found in the Insecurity. being served out there. I should be "Its a pretty strong smell. I know Freezer on a 'speak easy* principle," Freezer preparation area were "But, those could have been there able to get served, password or not alcohol when I smell it, and that's said Ducky. 'The drinks served may blenders, ice cream scoops, empty before Discordia acquired the Otherwise, if s not fair. alcohol indeed," said a shuttle van be non-alcoholic, as Cunningham ice cube trays, cans of pineapple and building. Sometimes I don't always

"The event happened because all Uranus' any madder, they'll pull our genitals up above Squeezer may have been on drugs — steroids Freshman fries moons were lined up just so," said our heads." to be specific. Freshman Sondra Dee was written up last gyneacologistLM. Slimed. 'It's not surprising Torskbite believes that some debaters snuck Sunday morning for holding a prayer vigil in something like this would happened when into the biology building and fed the snakes her Pork Region dorm room. She lit a candle you're mooned like that" Snake on steroids swallows steroids. which is of course Discordia taboo. In Pakkystan, 7,000 women brandishing Discordia biology professor Ellie Torskbite "Lighting candles is taboo because they can jugs on their heads exploded into a Rzgi Mac/s suffered a mishap last week. She was swallow- screw up the whole fire alarm system," said department store demanding lower prices on ed by Julius Squeezer, one of her favorite Asp Bestus, Moosehead fire chief. "I don't botty socks. Fifteen store clerks were snakes. think she was really holding a vigil anyway. I'm reportedly killed or are missing in the rubble. Reily Tikthoff, local activist, rescued Tor- sure she had an alterior motive." Closer to home, 75 Slobber women stamped skbite by grabbing on to her flailing arm and sophomore I.M. Dead when he held the Whin- pulling her out of Squeezer's grasp. There is Flood flusters females ing Service's exit door and banged on it, some discussion about why Tikthoff was in the embarrassing sophomore Happy Hands on the biology building. Last week the world went to hell. Medical other side of the door. No changes are being "Maybe he was stealing snakes," Torskbite experts are blaming it on the fact that every pressed against the Slobber women, because, speculated. "I don't know, anyway I'm glad he woman between the ages of 12 and 55 got her in the words of Moosehead Mayor Morrie was there to save me." menstrual period last Monday. "Poor" Planning, "If we get these hot women There is also some speculation that Julius

An open letter to V Discordia Students

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• •-' '• '

for criminal acts against Discordia Reily Tikthoff Criminal Extraordinaire

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Tikthoff led angry Moosehead residents in an undercover operation to steal Christinas decorations from Beast Complex. • Tikthoff formed a VD group on campus Don't even think about writing for this (Voters united to stop Ducky) paper, you no-talent scum. Dr. Paul Ducky is offering $1,000.00 for information leading to the arrest of Tikthoff. £

April 31,1988 • The Dlscordlan • 7 Iguanas by Ken Marchlngband "awfully bad" that the iguanas fell floatie king into the pond. The workers have joined the rescue effort by taking A pair of golden-domed ig- turns catering noon lunch to the uanas are trapped in ice on Sexy's iguanas. Pond. Rescue efforts have been "We all take turns giving our continuous since the iguanas sandwiches to the iguanas each were first discovered by day. Each day except Thursday Moosehead State University that is, because that's when we all biology students on Tuesday. bring egg salad. Iguanas don't A third iguana, which appeared like egg salad," Hammergren to be an inflatable blow-up toy, is said. assumed dead, or at least popped, Officials of the International after it disappeared overnight Coalition on Reptile Heath and Thor Tharaldsingerhummen, Safety (ICRHS) are expected to assistant professor of biology at arrive in Moosehead sometime Moosehead State said that rescue today or tomorrow. They may not efforts have been hampered by actually arrive by today or tomor- the thin ice covering the pond. row, but at least they are plann- "The ice is too thin for anyone ing to leave by today or tomor- Construction workers have been busy keeping vigil over the stranded golden-dome iguanas. to walk on, and the iguanas just row. So whether they arrive by to- Here a construction worker relieves himself (behind the shed) after his shift at the pond. don't have the power to break day or tomorrow depends on how through the ice by themselves. long it takes to get here. But we intend to win this battle The ICRHS officials are com- with mother nature, and rescuers ing because they are concerned Magnificent mall makes men meditate will be taking efforts to make the that the iguanas may not be able by Ken Marchlngband for Campus Area Transit) will be Code with goes into Effect on Jan. ice thickerer," Tharalds- to participate in the iguana ingerhummen said. mating season which is schedul- floatie king connected to all Academic Building, 1. That Dress Code states that Dining Halls, and Study Carrels. Students must wear at least $94 woth 'The North Forty State ed for three days from now. Developers of the new Campus "The CAT-Scan will solve our of Clothes at all Times. University professors have decid- 'The iguana population has Shopping Mall said Tuesday that 18 Need for addition Parking Lots," The Admissions Staff is excited ed to join us in this rescue effort been dipping to dangerous lows by sending over two Model-XL ice in recent years, and we want to be Stores have already leased Space in Allah said. "Students won't need because Construction of the Mall will 1 the 940,000 square-foot Complex. cars anymore because they can take finally allow them to solve the Discor- makers from their dining hall/ sure that every able-bodied ig- According to Clydesdale. Allah, care of Everything righto n Campus dia Equation, according to Barbary Tharaldsingerhummen said. uana is able to take part," an Vice President for Business Affairs, — fromShoppin g to Recreation." Handsel, Assistant to the Director of 'The machines can crank out ICRHS official said. the Shopping Mall represents a "real Financing for the Shopping Mall Admissions. more ice in one hour than a dieter Officials had initially feared that Break in Tradition from previous is built right into the Plan, so no new "In recent Years, it was getting can chew in an entire year." the iguanas would be harpooned architectural Styles on the Discordia Funds will have to be raised. hard to bring our Equation into The iguanas apparently fell in- by the Oscargaard tribe which Campus." "The Mall will take up such a large Equilibrium," Handsel said. "The to the pond after being scared by makes its home just a stone's The Mall will be the first Campus Portion of the Discordia Campus Mall will allow us to add Fashionai construction workers involved in throw fromSexy' s Pond. Lizards Building not to include tan Brick and that our Expense for watering the and Financial Expression into the renovating Deacon Hippie Hall. are valued for their long tails and orange Signs. Grass will be cut in Half," Allah said. Equation, so it will be in balance Lars Hammergren, foreman of beautiful dorsal crests, but only "So many of our Buildings and "The Amount of Money saved will be once again." Hacksaw Construction Co, Inc. certain varities of iguanas can Students are Blonde. We don't want more than enough to cover the Cost said construction worders feel command a price. this Mall to just blend in and go un- of constructing the Mall." noticed," Allah said. Students will be sure to use the The Shopping Mall will feature a new Shopping Mall because an ex- Tas-T-Frees, fast-food Restaurants, pense Account will be included in Clothing Stores, Video Arcades, a the Comprehensive Fee Recorded six-lane Bowling Alley and a modern on everyone's Fee Statement The Transportation System. The "Cat- Expense Account must be used to Telephone giving you problems? comply with the new Campus Dress Scan" Transportation System (CAT Having a hard time getting through? Rates too high? Play Seminars with aBroad

<'"Join] me on the next Play Seminar* If so, you should switch to Dixie Cup Direct! With Dixie Cup Direct, you'll: • NEVER have a busy signal • NEVER have a phone bill • NEVER have a dial tone It's just you, a paper cup, and a piece of string.

We know it sounds too good to be true . Actually, you have to hear it to believe it! "Fashion and Fabrics of East Berlin" (They buy fabric by the bolt) So rush 3 cents today to Dixie Cup Direct, and receive a couple "Eating Disorders of Third World Nations" Dixie Cups, two pieces of tape, and miles and miles of string. led by Virginia Slim "Montana: a trip in a pickup" led by Blanche "Baa Baa" Rancher "Antarctic Architecture" led by S. K. Mohs "Free Trade in Canada: study of the NHL" led by the McKenzie brothers "Saudi Arabia sand box tours" (Please b.y.o.t — bring your own toys) 'Dixie Cup Direct... the back-to-basics communications company.'

8 • The Discordian • Dec. 25,1988 The Discordian SPOOFS March 9, 1988 9 Blitzing bugs bring bucks to bounty beneficiaries by Mary Kay Samples at a minimum (no extra legs, grafted human being wings, etc.). • Science Club officers and Bug The sixth annual Great American Race Committee members are not Bug Race will be held Monday, Dec. allowed to run in the race with (or 19. This international competition alongside) the bugs. was organized by the Discordia Col- • Bugs may not wear spiked shoes lege Science Club and is sponsored or tennis shoes — bare feet only. this year by the Moosehead Exter- • Bugs may not eat other bugs dur- minating Service. This year the ing the race. Such action will result DCSC invites other colleges to join in immediate disqualification. in the festivities. • Each entrant may slap ONCE Quick critters should be sent along behind his/her bug, but careful ac-. with a $10 entry fee. A kennel, tion must be taken not to splat race trainer and coach will be provided by participants. the DCSC for submitted bugs. A pre- • The first bug to cross the finishlin e race, high-protein meal can be given .— no flying, jumping or human in- to insects upon request. tervention is permitted — is the win- Those who are a bit wary of the ner, and the decisions of the judges bug-to-hand contact may send a $5 are final. entry fee, designating club members • The winning bug's immediate fate to catch an entry for them. Captured is in the hands of the owners). A bug bugs will be briefed about the per- disposal unit containing an insec- sons/groups they are representing in tivorous vertebrate will be provided

T<[. . ••••;• ..-•••...••.".'• • biases..•'.--.• the race, so as to avoid confusion for those wishing to reduce the about objectives. population of their contestant's Bugs must be received by mid- species. night today to begin rigorous train- Cash prizes will be awarded for ing procedures and steroid testing. first- and second-place finishers, and Ellie Torskbite, founder of the all surviving participants of the race race, said, "If we catch a bug walk- will receive a T-shirt with something ing around looking glassy-eyed, he's very small, but very significant, writ- outta there!" ten on it. She suggests that pre-race training To enter, mail your bug (being sessions include schooling in "just very careful to place your bug AWAY say NO." from where the envelope would be The rules of the race are as cancelled) to: These blurred bugs blitz towards the finish line in a big battle of the better boxelder. (Actually, follows: Ellie Torskbite this photo is staged because the one on the left is dead. Psych!) • Arachnids (scorpions, spiders), Discordia College crustaceans (crabs, lobsters) and along with your name, address and potentially dangerous or poisonous other such information you wish to bugs are banned from entry. disclose. You may also wish to bun- • Bugs must be large enough to be dle up your roach — it's cold outside! Contest causes contraband easily seen and judged. Proceeds from the race's entry fee • Modification of bugs is to be kept will be used for something. by Ginger Rogers sabotage and steal the Beast Tm shocked and appalled," information analyst Complex Christinas decorations. Planning said. "They're usually "I didn't hear nothing," said such nice people." Hello... Christmas decorations were Dave Garbage, Rowdy resident "I A letter was sent out to Moose- stolen from Beast Complex this was dreaming, ya know — visions head residents from Planning past week by vengeful Moosehead of sugar plums and all." regarding the thefts and conse- residents, prompting all of Moosehead residents were quences. Resident "X" will have What are you looking at? Discordia to go up in arms. The accosted with the goods Wednes- to serve time on dorm duty at shocked residents called in the day afternoon and played dumb. Beast Complex next weekend Moosehead "What mer- unless they return the stolen Police to chandise?" one goods. Feeling this was the worst investigate. Moosehead punishment for the Moosehead Moosehead resident ut- citizens, Planning heaved a sign residents were "We basically tered to police of relief. holding a con- while holding "If they turn in the merchan- test to see how controlled the first onto a six-foot dise, there will still be a punish- many decora- half." Santa which ment," Planning added. "They tions as they sang a will not be allowed to eat any lefse Debbie Doowah could retrieve repeating this Christmas. That's right — no without getting sex therapist chorus of lefse privilege for them — the caught. The "Jingle Bells." meanies." prizes for the The stupid Bobby Fennicci, manager at contest were to resident was Rowdy Hall, was sick. be a year's supply of lefse-a-roni apprehended immediately. "This makes me so sick," he and $23.84 for first place, a half "They took my Santabear," snuffed. "Why can't they just year's subscription to The cried C. John Run, a resident leave sleeping Santas lie? This, Foolum to the second-place win- assistant floor nark (RAFN). eye-for-an-eye, elf-for-an-elf ner, and round trip tickets for two "People are joking about it, and behavior is making my skin crawl. to Dilweed, Mini., for the third- it's just not funny anymore. I want Why do people have to be so place winner. my bear back!" grabby?" "Not much of an incentive, but The only remaining Christmas The ringleader in all of this they were pretty fired up about decoration in the dorm was a mess, Tikthoff, was bummed out it," piped ringleader Reily mechanical elf that walked, talk- in a big, bad, ugly way. He didn't Tikthoff. ed and chawed think he would God knows how the gum. Rumors get caught. Moosehead residents snuck in have it that the Ruth Bolt unheard late Tuesday night while mechanical elf O'Clothing, the Rowdy Hall residents were was once the "We basically Rowdy Hall nestled all snug in their beds. The emcee for the director, said locals were pretty sore over last Kringle Days controlled the first mistakes were After eating an unknown substance in the Whining Service, the year's incident when Rowdy Hall Coronation, made. half." Discordia College Lady Slobber basketball team discovered a students made off with yards and but the rumors Debbie Doowah "If they real- shocking phenomenon. The substance enabled the Lady Slob- yards of lights, an 80-foot are indeed un- ly wanted their Smorgasbord bers to reach incredible speeds. One of our Discordian staff diameter Christmas wreath stolen founded, so ^^_-™ stuff back, they members attempted to photograph the team, but we couldn't from Trim-The-Tree Lutheran never mind. should've just Church in Moosehead, and find a camera fast enough to capture their ferocious speed. I Moosehead said 'please/ " tried to find out what it was that they had eaten but the Whin- dozens of lighted mechanical Mayor Morrie O'Clothing Santas. ing Service wouldn't disclose any information saying only "We "Poor" Planning was shocked said. "They can't expect us to put can't say what it was but it was nutritious." The Lady Slobbers Moosehead residents, led by and appalled when he heard the up with their poopy attitude." burned up the court. They had to stop practicing early for fear Tikthoff. banded together to news of his town's behavior. of the court Starting on fire. Photo by Dead Braines.

' V » V h* t Kringles crowned at coronation by Nutmeg Something who entered with "Here Comes Fuzzwig, with the help of extin- stress monger Santa Claus" playing in the guished president Dr. Paul Ducky, background. All of the men in the named Do-Right and Purebred the The Discordia Slobbers kicked off court wore Santa suits, and all of the 1988 Kringle Days King and Queen. their annual Holiday Kringle Days women wore Mrs. Santa suits and The emcee in the elf suit chawed last Sunday with the traditional carried bouquets of poinsettia and his gun through it all. crowning of King and Queen mistletoe. The newly-crowned king and Kringle. / The emcee in the elf suit chawed queen made a short statement in The coronation took place in the his gun through it all. which they urged the entire Discor- festively decorated Kobson Center The audience and Kringle court dia community to get out and enjoy Casino. This year's King and Queen were serenaded by the discordant the other Kringle Days activities in- Kringle are Dudley Do-Right and sounds of the Discordia Harmonica cluding a snowball toss, ice-sliding Swee,t Polly Purebred. Do-Right is a Choir, which had just returned from contest and a concert by a choir of senior from Rapid Park, Mini. He is their international tour of Dilweed, snow angels. a pre-wealth major and hopes to Mini. They played everyone's favorite "I'm only king for a week so I'll work for the Royal Canadian songs, and even left a few minutes for have to suck it for all it's worth," Do- Mounted Police if he graduates. Ms. requests and sing-alongs. Right said. Purebred is a senior from Crooked, The emcee in the elf suit chawed 'Indeed/' the emcee said, and Mini, working on her Happy Slobber his gum through it all. chawed his gum some more. degree. She hopes to marry a prince The time came to crown King and When all was said and done, King someday and earn lots of money. Queen Kringle. Outgoing King Do-Right and Queen Purebred rode The coronation began with the in- Seamstress and Queen Fuzzwig said off in a reindeer-driven sleigh. troduction of last year's King and a few words to the members of the "Merry Kringle Days to all, and to Queen Kringle, Dodger Seamstress Discordia community who were all a good night," Ducky said. and Jem Fuzzwig. Next came the in- gathered for the occasion. troduction of the Kringle candidates, Following this, Seamstress and

Dudley Do-Right: "Oh, wow, I get to stand next to a queen. I'm only king for a week, so I'm going to suck this for all it's worth.'' Lit Blithering brings bodies back to basic bing, bing, binging by Chip O. Pie petitive with anybody in the nation, live up to the expectations set by editor of nothing We'd be real nobodies without our their peers. by David Ribbons na Wifflebat, a CREEPO student 'roids.'W* "Being a member of-the debate Th^aggressiveness of the Discor- team means that the whole campus he's everywhere and philosophy major, whose drivel Fifteen years ago, steroids were was entitled "I am idiot-hear me virtually unheard of in the world of dicfflteams has caused competitors is watching you every weekend ex- Discordia's blithering team last blither." The body of the presenta- competitive athletics. Now, as we to nle a protest demanding that pecting you to bring home the bacon week won the National Blithering tion was taken up by Edna's singing approach the '90s, steroid use is steroid use be outlawed in the field for the college," Sturgeon said. "Its Contest. The competition was held of a medley of John Davidson hits widespread in an effort to give the of speech and debate. Discordia's tough, to be heros for the entire on Discordia's snow-covered "Big while pelting herself in the face with competitor that extra edge. "win at all costs" attitude has schflpl week in and week out One Jake" field. golf balls. Even here at prompted fear mi*ftep and you feel like you let Each blitherer was limited to four Honorable mention went to lovely Discordia, and distrust from everybody down." minutes, 38 seconds of complete Moosehead State senior George Da- we are not im- opposing teams Schmitt and Sylvester said the nonsense, with a maximum of three do-ron-ron, who confused the judges mune from the "We basically according to Biff pressure is worth it for the benefits hundred visual aids. They were to such an extent that they collaps- evils of the drea<£) Trump, a debator pf being on the team. « allowed to beat themselves senseless ed in the snow after only three ed steroid. I'm not from Harvard. "Being on the de, am really with inanimate objects, but live minutes of his nonsense. George talking about the controlled the first "Discordia is so helps you pick-up( Schmitt animals were disallowed this year would have been awarded first place, football team ruthless and said. "Girls just fl you if they due to a new Discordia policy. A but the judges discovered that he here. Rather the unrelenting in know you're in debate." nurse stood by with an axe had once accepted a chocolate- team that really their verbal at- Sylvester agrees with his team- throughout the blithering for no ap- covered gerbil in payment for blither- puts Discordia on half." tacks that many of mates, noting that there is almost a parent reason. ing, and thus ruined his amatuer the mm- national us fear for our cult following developing on campus The three judges, David status. scene. Yes, that's lives when we are toward the team. Harleyson, Reba Melbatoast and Other memorable moments in- right, I'm talking up against them," "Women keep sending me their Terrence Trent D'Albatross, were cluded a talk on "the piety of about Discordia's Debbie Doowah Trump said. "The underwear in the mail," Sylvester themselves professional blitherers. styrofoam" by E. I. Ohio, a reading pride and joy ... sex therapist incident in Ken- said. "It's a nice gesture but most of They said (in unison), "We like to see from "The Idiot and the Carrot: A the debate team. •••^^M mm^Kmmm tucky didn't help the time it's not my size." these young hoo-has attempting to Conversation" in the original Gib- After months of matters either." Even with the growing movement break into the world of BING! BING! berish, and a demonstration of investigative reporting, this reporter The incident Trump referred to in- to outlaw the use of steroids, the BING! blithering." blithering in the workplace by Dr. has discovered that the key to volved a round - team is not wor- The winning batch of moronic Paul J. Ducky, who gave a speech en- Discordia's success in the field of that Schmitt and ried about their "verbal slime" was delivered by Ed- titled "Elvis was my Soul Brother." speech and debate can be directly his teammate i i first We chances for suc- tied to injections of high doses of a^ Tree Grove lost to cess and should nabolic steroids on a regular basis by a team from Yale. continue to im- team members. Steroids increase the Schmitt and controlled the prove throughout aggressiveness of individuals using Grove allegedly the year, accord- them and give the user a feeling of flew into a rage ing to Grove. invincibility, according to senior and proceeded to Debbie Doowab half "It takes a good debater Sylvester Cat. throw chairs and six months for the "After a good injection of Voids tables all over the basically sex." steroids to work nothing can stop me," Sylvester said. room. The two their way out of "I become a lean, mean debating were also seen your body," Grove machine and no argument is too spray-painting the said. "By ttat time good to stop me." Yale van with a therapist we'll be /ational Senior Schmitt Beer concurred slogan that read J&ions and with his teammates' assessment of "Go Home You "^~ graduated on to the benefits of steroids. Rich Yuppie Illiterates." other things. 'Roids have already "Without steroids, we'd be lucky Forensics coach Fred Sturgeon secured us a place in Discordia's to hold our own against Moosehead refuses to comment on the alleged history... nothing can stop us now!" State," Schmitt said. "Those four incident noting only that the kids in injections a day really keep us com- debate are under a lot of pressure to LIE'S! LIE'S! LIE'S! The Deadl'y Radon Gas Kill's! Protect yourself with Radon Stickup and dont let expensive chemical test company's invade your home. RADON STICKUP: • Neutraliz'es all radon gas in your home. • Is easy too install in those hard-to-get at plac'es. • Proven childproof Send for your's today KOBB CARE Send check or money order too: 666 8'th Street So. Discordia, Mini.

d a t-The- Discordian t -March 15, -1988- Problems prolonged... Phones frustrate by Jim Alexander more lines to accommodate Discor- staff infection dia. Unfortunately, the new lines ' were patched into a local dial-a-pom "Discordia's phone problems may company's hot-line. continue into the second semester/' "I tried to call home to call home lamented the director of residential to Providence only to find heavy life, Oscar Meyer. "We never ex- breathing on the line/' said pected the amount of problems we sophomore Scott Johnson. have encountered so far." "I kind of liked it," said First, U. Must Jest Communica- sophomore Bobby Fannich, with a tions sent Discordia students the smirk. wrong credit cards. A mix-up at the Finally, student's billing became a factory gave Slobbers their own J- problem when it was found that P.O. mart credit card. box numbers were scrambled by a U. "I thought it was great to be able Must Jest Communications com- to charge my pew-light special pur- puter. The result was a random bill- chases on the J-Mart card," said ing of Discordia students. sophomore Noel Pushcart, "But it 'The first thing I wanted to know didn't work that well for calling home was, who called Stewartville?" said to Hottertown." Clark Acreage. "1 mean, I live here When students finallyreceive d the in beautiful Fargone, N.F. Why right credit cards, the phone lines would I want to call anyone who To counter U. Must Jest's crappy phone service, many students have turned to constructing doesn't?" bombs out of their phone parts. U. Must Jest Communications commented. became jammed with happy Slob- bers calling home. U. Must Jest Com- munications quickly moved to install Commentary Studly senators snazz up school stipend system by Who's Batten X. "X Factor" for a little taste of "Max The election this year was the composure I walked quickly by he's on first "Dan does a good job at what he Factor." first one I could participate in. I them, only to encounter an does," Burgertime smiled. "Chippie is really good at what he was quite excited about exercising apathetic father with two bratty In its annual battle to figure out "He does okay," Kobson does," bubbled Burgertime. my constitutional right I had children chomping on gum and who really deserves what, Stud grumped, Jennifer Sweatsuit, Glee Club taken the initiative in researching running around hitting each Senate Allocation Committee Karen the Netherlands, Life and Strike Mediator, will make seven- the candidate and had made what other. One of them was dressed members proposed a snazzy system Death brouhaha expert, will make thirteenths X, mainly because 0' Pie I thought was an informed in an elf suit It was all I could do the upper one-half of X, or "v." waived his nine-thirtysecondths X decision. However, in all of the last week. to keep from picking them up by The "X Factor," as coined by Stud "For a girl, she does a good job at when he went for Burgertime. Sweat- excitement and preparation, I had the neck and dropping them. forgotten to research the voting Senator Krust Thompson, will make what she does," Handyman and suit will be able to take up Pie's X How was I to maintain any pride things really interesting for a while, Kobson echoed, giggling. part because what she does is so procedure. I mean the literal act in the system when all that was I was unaware of the ramification because the stipends won't work in Greg Hjartarjartarjartarson, good for the community. going on was chaos? terms of money. Then again, the SA monitor of Facul- "Just being with I would have to endure when I finallygo t behind the curtain actually casting my vote. members don't work in terms of ty Affairs, will Sweatsuit makes of the voting booth. I took a deep work, so it seems fair that all they'll display his latest me all goosepimp- I walked breath to calm get is the "X Factor." blackmail photos ly," Gohnson through the myself. Wouldn't When asked what the "X Factor" at 8 p.m. tomor- "We basically J;rgl^ building doors "We basically you know it, I Controlled the first contentedly. where I was to is, Thompson said, "What is the 'X row in the SA of- was about to Factor/ you ask? Well, I'll tell you. fice. He will make Okie Dang, vote, completely controlled the first punch in my half." confident of It's the way we're going to do one-third of one- Stud Advocate, half." very first choice stipends from now on." third of the one- Debbie Doowah will cash in on her myself. I was Debbie Doowah and the chain sex therapist instantly startled Thompson's invaluable assistance half that Burger- popularity and sex therapist with the punch did not keep us from finding out time will make, rake in one-half of by the first pin attached - what the heck the "X Factor" is. depending on thirteen- person I came in wasn't long Head Honcho Geoff "The Big what position seventeenths X. contact with. I enough. I was greeted by a Squeeze" Gohnson and his partner, faculty members take on the photos. Her total is so goofy because she wanted to cry, Knut 'Trouser Head" Kobson, will "I think I do a good job at what I always gets stuck with the dregs, and middle-aged bug-eyed house hag right there in the voting booth, whose hair-do was some form of both make X. The rest of the self- do," pumpkinned Hjartarjartar- that's all that was left in the SA just cry. aggrandized group who call jartarson. budget. updated bouffant She grinned a I managed to regain some of most horrible grin at me and themselves commissioners and Bible Thumpers Pete Giitchfree "Tough corns between the two my self esteem by the time I senators will each "give according to and Clammy Swansong will make smallest toes, I say to her," Kobson asked my name. I didn't know finished voting. I confidently what to think, does the their ability and take according to 800 X, due to the recent demand in said. strided across the room to exit their need/' said Karl Marx, political "good, clean young people with no The problem now for all the peo- government let just anybody run the building. I was positive that this deal? philosopher and proponent of intent on stealing any money from pie with all the stipends is what ex- my vote mattered and I could modern communism. old people when they are praising actly you do with an X, or, for that She directed me to where I was finish the day feeling good. I was to go. Whew! one obstacle Karen Burgertime, Crampus the Lord's name," said the Rev. matter, part of an X. so angry when I walked out the Entertainment cheerleader, will Jimmy Swaggart, in an interview after "What is an X, anyway?" asked defeated. However, my experience door and a quatty, pudgy, half- teaching a real lesson in Religion Thompson. "Can you cash a check did not improve. I encountered make one-half X. bald, beady-eyed reporter with a 340: Ethics in the Christian for X? Can you write a check for X? two elderly men who were toupee asked who I had voted for. "Karen does a good job at what supposedly discussing politics but He quickly backed away after she does," Kobson smiled. Community. Where's all the real money, in actuality were gawking at seeing the look in my eyes. I sure Dan Handyman, Resident Ad- Political Swindler Chip 0. Pie will anyhow?" females and giving them one- am relieved that the election only ministrative Assistant (RAA), will eke make out with one-sixteenth Karen Ed Meese was unavailable for tooth smiles. Keeping my happens every four years. 'out a living at one-third of one-half Burgertime. He decided to waive the comment Stickx Photography Let us draw your Discordia senior pictures — for results that "wood" never "leaf" you bummed! Yes, we'll draw you as a stick person! CASH PAID • No appointment necessary for sitting! For Beanies • No need to show up for sitting — Great for busy schedules! • Reasonable rates! • . • Color pictures (Just-"leaf" a bit extra) • Original idea for resumes! 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April 1, 1988 • The DIscordian • 11 The Discordian 12 July 9, 1988 CLASSIFIERS You can place your own classifier ad . . . EVENTABLES PERSONABLES PERSONABLES PERSONABLES ... to hire a hitman, sell your body, buy a research paper, or send profanities to a friend. Just be THE NEXT Prayer Vigil will be held at a TO THE SA Office: VERY DESPERATE sex-starved woman JUNE- very secret place. Call Hannah at the one of the first people to get to STOP spreading rumors about us. We do looking for very desperate sex-starved I squashed your beetle before the race! secret number and say the secret The Discordian office above the not like it. Please spread gossip in the man. Apply in person to my dormroom. Don't you wish you knew who! password. Bring a candle. truthful form, campus post office. I LOVE dining service food. Jeff- Deadline is 5 p.m. every Tuesday. THIMBLE COLLECTORS! Come to the NUTMEG SOMETHING- Thanks for a good time last night. antique sale next week at the Moosehead O.K. BOYS and girls. Rates: You are a blonde at times too. It's Love, Kathy Middle Mall. Bring your favorites to trade. December 9, and I think we best find a Can you say STUPID? 1st word $1.00 Very good boys and girls. BETHOVEEN- FIDGETERS ANONYMOUS. Monthly safe hiding place. Each additional word 10 THANKS for the romp in the grass last support groups for people who can't keep DEBBIE- TO THE fool who was sitting in the Classifiercations: bathroom with the lights off: how many night! their hands to themselves. Wear gloves. REDHEADS unite! • Generables • Workable* people were in the stall? Little bunny foo-foo • Salables • Eventables MUTUAL MASSAGE group meets nightly GREG L. Maintenance Mann in Deacon Hippie Hall. For times and in- • Rentables • Personables . Everynight when I go to bed I cry into my FEELING ILL? As you wonder how you • Serviceabtes • Ridables formation, call Donna I. Wanna at 9999. pillow . . . why? I LIKE my tacos warm, I like my tacos nice, when daily makes the tacos, you have to contracted this virus, be careful not to Call 555-3827 for more information. DEBBIE DOOWAH said, make them twice. blame innocent parties for your own "Don't let Richard run your life!" illnesses. WHAT KIND of a rinky-dink • ,eis this, WHEN YOU'RE playing, make sure you anyway? PJ BABY, RENTABLES place your helmet in the right place. ML THANK you for keeping us from unthawing. __ SALABLES MERLIN, TO WHOM it may r ^ern: THANKS for a good time last night. Wipe that stupid • ..e off your face. Kathy r DOES EVERYONE out there know that FEMALE ROOMMATE sought: Rent I DON'T u ^rstand. I just don't unthaw is not a word? THIS WEEK at Phil and Steve's Vetero reasonable. CAN Bob at 233-6666. SNORKLES- understand KENT- Paradise: WATCH out so you don't hurt your nose! FEMALE ROOMMATE needed: Rent HEY C* JBIES! Let's get together this THANKS for a good time last night. Underwear! Choose your favorite Keep trying. You'll make a good pig yet. 1 nonexistent. Call Bob at 233-6666. wee J for some debauchery and illegal Love, Kathy velcroed areas: exterior, interior, or both! ATTENTION ROOMIES: deeod! Extra soft for those bumpy rides. Your FEMALE ROOMMATE wanted: Rent You are the greatest. You really spice up WATSON. JUST WHO do you think you are? choice, $12. negotiable. Call Bob at 233-6666. my life. I have ginger, nutmeg, paprika, THANKS for a great time last night. now I could use some parsley, sage, I HATE it when that happens. Kathy rosemary, and thyme. "There's a song in WANTED: Puppy, for loving, caring rela- there somewhere." tionship and light petting. NO FUN. No mon. Your son. WORKABLES TOO BAD. How sad. Your dad. PERSONABLES RICHARD- LOOK OUT! The bread's on fire again! IF something causes you to sin, cut it off. OKAY, LET me get this straight. I can't TO WHOMEVER I was with last weekend: UNDERCLASSMEN - THERE'S big ARE YOU playing with a full deck, or did have girte over on weekdays because it's not moral. What if I fall in love with my The rabbit died. Please call me if this con- money to be made in beanie snatching! IS YOUR life dull? Has the cold, cruel you lose the trump card? cerns you! Professional training in ambushing (for the roommate? world given you a bad deal? Does SOMETHING'S ROTTEN in the state of Kathy steafthy types) or strong-arm tactics (for I'M SICK of enough everything seem to go wrong for you? If Denmark. GREG, the strong-arm types). Call Guido's- Beanie you answered "yes" to any of these ques- Exchange 236-2559 for your free applica- I THOUGHT Polacks were stupid, but ENJOY the broomcloset at North tions, then you should STOP WHINING, tion and aptitude test. BELIEVE IT or not, Dudley Briggs started what about these Norwegians? They built Memorial? Or was rt the broomhandte? YOU WIMP!! OTHER PEOPLE HAVE this whole thing. their side of the stadium in the shade. —The First Lady LOOKING FOR a well-paying job? THEIR PROBLEMS, TOO!! WHAT HALLOWEEN IS overso get rid of all the Apply for a job in the upcoming campus MAKES YOU THINK YOU'RE SO WHAT DO you think the two sides of WHITEY, shopping mall. SPECIAL? HUH? underwear for? pumpkins! GET some color. KENT REDHEADS UNITE! LOOK, I have milk left. Guess I'll have to "LOVE me. love my political party." HAVE YOU ever played the game "Four- have some more Trix. TRUCK- on-a-Couch"? It's quick, it's hard, it's fun! LAMAR- NONE of it is my fault. They made me do it! DOO-WAH, TELL us about the Eternal HOW much silty putty can I interest you RIDABLES SERVICEABLES in this week? SCUSSI PLEASE, "P". PERSONALLY I think these personals are In fate, fools take many chances. Meet you DEAR ROOMMATE, pathetic. ' at the continental. I hate you from the bottom of my heart. NEEDED RIDE to Hicktown North Forty. "Thanks!" Love, The one who found the snake in her GIRLS- NEED SOMEONE to type your papers, NEEDED RIDE to Ends of the Earn CHIP- bed. HAVING problems with your .? We'll resumes, letters of application? Do it answer your?. See the Wealth Service, Dr. Moantana. HAD any crescent wrenches lately? KEEP YOUR shtuff off of our desks! yourself! P.M.S. Quack. RIDE TO Heck and Gone Minisoda.

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