QUOTABLE FAST FACT: IN THIS ISSUE: QUOTE: If you stick fingers in your nostrils and ears Posterior 12 DO UNTO others as If and blow as hard as you can with your mouth Toenails 13 they have a picture of shut, the top of your head will pop off. what you did this Rashness 20 weekend. Discordia College Moosehead, Minisoda Volume 81, Number 1 DlSCORDIAN Dec. 9, 1988 Sneaky select students secretly simulate superiors by Cinnamon N. Sugar Gohnson and Kobson arranged and Mr. Planning and really knew genetic blonde for Ducky and Planning to be kid- what they were talking about." napped the day of the meeting. "I was concerned about the match- Student Association President "I remember my kidnapper saying ing lipstick marks on Kobson's face," Geoff Gohnson and Vice President not to worry about anything, not said Joe Smith, another Rejent Knut Kobson were caught imper- even the Bored Rejects meeting," "Otherwise, they had me fooled." sonating Dr. Paul Ducky, predisent Planning said. "The Halloween spirit got a little of Discordia College, and Morrie The kidnappers have not been out of hand. I like a joke as much as "Poor" Planning, dean of students identified as of yet, but it is assumed the next college president, but im- and vice president for student affairs, they are close to personation is a at a recent Bored Rejects meeting. Gohnson and serious charge. It The Bored Rejects, for their Kobson. All of came as a real Christmas meeting, had discussions Student Associa- "We basically shock to me. I did regarding intervisitation and the tion is under in- controlled the first not think Geoff grading policy on their agenda. vestigation regar- half." and Knut coukl be Ducky and Planning were asked to ding the matter. responsible for present the college's point of view on "I won't men- Debbie Doowah such and act," these issues. tion names at this sex therapist Ducky com- Kobson, dressed as Planning, point," Ducky ™^^«^ ^"•"" mented, when said, "We knew Ducky and Planning said. asked about how would not be able to present student With Ducky and Planning pre- he felt about the incident. views. Me and Geoff hoped that occupied, Gohnson and Kobson Planning added that he would dressing and acting the way we did, dressed up and presented their views have to consider appropriate we could fool the board and present at the meeting under the names of disciplinary measures for the two. students' views. I think that it is im- Paul J. and "Poor." "I'm disappointed in Knut and portant to our job, after all, it is in "I thought we did a fine job Geoff," Ducky said. "This action is our job descriptions. The board indeed," Gohnson said. 'The Re- so unlike them." would then naturally approve if jects were receptive, although a bit "I enjoyed it quite a bit," Kobson Ducky and Planning were in favor of surprised, at what we had to say. We said. "It was worth it. People really such new policies." were very close to getting the liked our Squeak-400 pins and Gohnson, dressed as Ducky, changes made when they found out" nametags." agreed, adding that, "It was a gutsy The Rejects found out about the Gohnson added, "No one noticed move. No one in SA even knew impersonation charges when a very my half-Windsor knot tie. That about it. Me and Knut kept it pretty bedraggled real Ducky and Planning disappointed me. I just hope that this secret, indeed." walked into the meeting. Their kid- little incident does not keep me out Gohnson and Kobson struck upon nappers had released them, assum- of law school." the idea of impersonation while ing the business of the meeting Currently the two are doing forced thinking of Halloween costume would be completed. community volunteer service for the ideas. Suzy Sunshine, a member of the Democratic party until further action "We got to talking about using the Bored Rejects, said, "I wasn't too is taken. costumes to our advantage," Kobson skeptical of them. They did appear The Bored Rejects will meet later Student leaders impersonate top Discordia officials. The one said. "It was then we thought about younger than usual, but they in January with the same meeting on the left had no comment because he was out buying gum. the board meeting." remarkably looked like Dr. Ducky agenda from Christmas. Ducky decides to drive for dignified duty by Debbie Doowah "I'm leaning toward running under be taught. Anyway, we all use drugs Tongues in cheek . sex therapist the Republican ticket," he said. "I'm anyway, drugs like aspirin, Vivarin, used to being conservative. After all, caffeine, Robbitussin, Alka Selzer, Discordia President Dr. Paul Discordia is a very conservative Midol. So what's the big deal?" Ducky has announced that he will school. Look at our Norwegian Ducky has come under fire himself run for U.S. president in 1992. heritage. Traditionally, Norwegian- lately for allegedly being involved in Ducky doesn't yet know which Americans have been very conser- drug sales to Norway. Allegedly, it all political party he will represent He vative." began back in 1982 when Ducky doesn't seem concerned about it, Ducky has smuggled cocaine however. come under fire to Norway in the "There's no rush to decide," recently for his Yumcomst Ship. Ducky said. "I have another four wife's involvement "We basically "If I had been years. In the meantime I may have in a drug cam- involved in smug- changed my whole political paign. Hardy controlled the first gling drugs to philosophy. We'll just have to wait Ducky served as half." Norway, and I'm and see." national Debbie Doowah not saying I was, Hardy Ducky, first lady of Discor- spokeswoman for sex therapist why would I have dia and hopeful first lady of the coun- the "Just Say Yes" done it?" Ducky try, isn't worried about her campaign. This said. "I mean, it's husband's indecision. campaign is a not like we have a "I'm not worried about my hus- front for the Drugpushers in Educa- significant band's indecision/' Hardy Ducky tion Party. It advocates teaching number of Norwegian students at said. "Personally, I think he's lean- drug use in public schools. The cam- Discordia and we'd want to bribe ing toward the Democrats. He does paign's motto is "Just Say Yes — Say them to come here, or anything." have a few wild hairs in him, you yes to everything — drugs, alcohol, In an effort to regain popularity, know, just not many on his head. But sex." Ducky has joined with Moosehead you know, I've always been attracted "I believe in this motto," Hardy State University President Dille to men with receding hairlines." Ducky said. "I mean, where better to Ducky said, though, that he is learn about drug use than in high Please see Ducky / 3 "You just put your tongue In my earl And just where did leaning toward the Republican party. school? There, responsible use can you learn that little trick, Mr. Freddy Becker?!" File Photo POOPLE < | • • * s* AGE • • • p• »' t • # • • 1 * V:." • • .-••• t • m\ • • *•- A. • • •.' • t mw .: 1 *. •* '• 0 * • 0 TOO • • • .•• . • ' .• • • ••-. • HERE/THERE • r. V - * * i . The Emperor's condition, which was • • Female faces first heading downward lately, has now been • • • Bennie Butt-ho was selected as prime upgraded to "crappy." minister of the nation of Pakkystan a little Anti-Christ Reverse Enema while ago. The neat thing is that she is a she and Pakkystan is pretty sexist. As a result of Brass belt buckle bars bullet The Anti-Christ will be the keynote Reverse Enema will make an appearanc Butt-ho's election, many things will have to Seven-year-old Lester Chester, Hicktown, speaker at Friday evening's Squeak-400 at the Discordia nursing program's change in the palace. N.F., was shot and attacked by a molester last banquet. The topic of the speech will be Excrement Lab. The little squirt will spea First of all, for two or three days each Thursday evening following a kick-off fun- "The Useless use of Unleaded Fuel on on 'The Useless Use of Unleaded Gas on month, there will be severe negotiations. draiser for Dr. Paul Ducky's presidential cam- America's Highways." Squeak-400 America's Highways." These won't be to avoid war, but just to make paign. Chester was spared only by his six-inch Chairman Oxidized Callous said the Anti- Enema, who has recently been visiting people feel bad every now and then. square brass belt buckle commemorating the Christ was the only person left on the list hospitals across the nation, is promoting Secondly, women are no longer going to be North Forty Centennial which apparently stop- of people to speak. its latest work, titled "How I Made A called "doughhead" as they have been over the ped the bullet The bullet hit smack dab in the "I hear that he'll be twirling fire batons Million Spots On One Bedsheet," which centuries. Instead, men must be more respec- middle of the little windmill in the buckle. and chawing gum at the same time," has reached number two on the Hospital table and call them Miss Doughhead. 'The tacky buckle was so big and thick that Callous said. "It should be a hot show." Waiting Room Best-Seller List Thirdly, any women who think they can get it stopped the bullet dead in its tracks," Dr. Anti-Christ will also appear at the 2-5 Enema is currently en route to away with making men walk around with those Livingston I.