That Was the Season That Was – 2011/12 – KUMB.Com TTHHAATT WWAASS TTHHEE
Total Page：16
File Type：pdf, Size：1020Kb
That Was The Season That Was – 2011/12 – KUMB.com TTHHAATT WWAASS TTHHEE SSEEAASSOONN TTHHAATT WWAASS KKUUMMBB..ccoomm’’ss uussuuaall sslliigghhttllyy wwa1a rrppeedd eenndd ooff sseeaassoonn llooookk aatt tthhee 2200 1111‐‐1122 ccaammppaaiiggnn bbrroouugghhtt ttoo yyoouu bbyy GGoorrddoonn TThhrroowweerr iinn aassssoocciiaattiioonnwwiitthh aa lloott ooff bbllaacckk ccooffffeeee…… That Was The Season That Was – 2011/12 – KUMB.com Contents June ......................................................................................................................................... 3 July .......................................................................................................................................... 6 August ................................................................................................................................... 14 September ............................................................................................................................. 20 October ................................................................................................................................. 23 November ............................................................................................................................. 28 December .............................................................................................................................. 32 January .................................................................................................................................. 35 February ................................................................................................................................ 39 March .................................................................................................................................... 44 April ....................................................................................................................................... 48 May ....................................................................................................................................... 50 2 That Was The Season That Was – 2011/12 – KUMB.com June The pre‐season period opens and, for a change we look outside the Boleyn goldfish bowl as, just for once, the funniest thing about the word of football at this time has absolutely nothing to do with West Ham United. North of the border, Hearts owner Vladimir Romanov goes into plot‐losing meltdown on the Edinburgh club’s official site. Hearts’ failure to break the domination of those shy and retiring types at Rangers and Celtic is blamed entirely on “outside forces” such as the “mafia” who steal players, rig matches and generally mess things up for the Jambos. As statements go it’s a corker from the man who allegedly fixed a vote on Lithuania’s version of Strictly Come Dancing in his own favour. As we say, it’s got absolutely nothing to do with us but it’s damned funny and suddenly SuGoBra only seem mildly mad in comparison. Having been on holiday for a week or two since signing his contract (well it was a very heavy biro), Sam Allardyce is finally officially unveiled as the new boss as the club finally find a use for Benni McCarthy’s old training kit. Big Sam, big cold sore 3 That Was The Season That Was – 2011/12 – KUMB.com Allardyce immediately breaks with tradition by announcing that no team of his would ever lose a match from 2‐0 up as we did up at Wigan. Give it time Sam, give it time. Meanwhile an announcement appears on the forums of KUMB.com on behalf of a company willing to pay £3,000 to individuals willing to spend time undergoing clinical trials. The freshly unemployed Kieron Dyer turns down the opportunity on the grounds that he fancies a change of career. The fixtures come out. Cardiff at home is the opener, a match immediately moved to the Sunday for TV purposes (a decision one suspects that also owes more than a little to input from the Met). This is followed by a first round tie at home to Aldershot in whatever the League Cup is officially called this year and a trip to Doncaster Rovers. Though the dates for Millwall home and away are announced, few expect these games to be played on the stated date. My guess is that it’ll be played at 3am on an unannounced date with the first we know about it being the hush hush announcement of the result on Classic FM in between snippets of Beethoven and Mozart. Spurs and Leyton Orient have another attempt to have a judicial review of the Olympic Stadium decision rebuffed by the High Court. However, using the Sheffield United tactic of “never mind the law just keep going back until you can find a judge stupid enough to agree with you”, the latest decision merely meets with another application to the courts. The “out” door at the Boleyn is working overtime. Demba Ba takes his suspect knees to Newcastle, a relegation release clause in his contract meaning that the Geordies don’t have to touch any of the £35m received for Andy Carroll last term. Thomas Hitzlsperger, having indicated that he might be willing to stay on at the Boleyn depending on who comes in as manager, takes one look at Allardyce before activating the relegation release clause in his own contract. Also on the way out is Radoslav Kovac for whom FC Basle have paid an “undisclosed” fee. Presumably the “undisclosed” nature of the transaction is to protect Basle from embarrassment at the prospect of admitting that they actually paid a fee for the player. Zavon Hines is embroiled in contract discussions, seeking a raise in the pocket money he is being paid by SuGo. The club seem reluctant to increase Hines’ salary by a significant amount pointing out that even Kevin Keen still has a paper round. Stoke cause mild amusement by offering £3m for Carlton Cole. Not to be outdone, neighbours Port Vale put in a bid of £2.50 and a packet of wine gums for Lionel Messi stating “if Stoke want to be daft, we can be dafter”. Further silly season amusement is provided by Fulham whose owner Mohammed Fayed (the “Al” bit of his name is as bogus as the rest of him) takes the meaning of the word “bonkers” to a new level. Not content with erecting a pointless statue to the memory of Michael Jackson outside Craven Cottage, the ex‐owner of Harrods goes one delightfully mad step further by introducing a range of wacko merchandise in the club shop. 4 That Was The Season That Was – 2011/12 – KUMB.com Attempts to establish exactly how many t‐shirts showing the phoney pharaoh and Jacko pictured together meet with an embarrassed silence before the shop manager hangs up on me. Meanwhile, other trinkets available such as key rings and small statuettes contain the website warning “may contain small pieces that may be harmful to children”. Sometimes you have to really work hard for a punchline. This is not one of those times. More rumours abound as Leeds’ Max Graidel and Craig Mackail‐Smith of Peterborough are linked with moves to the Boleyn. Mackail‐Smith eventually picks Brighton & Hove Albion as a destination despite Barry Fry’s rather public attempts to get us involved in further negotiations. Sammy Lee resigns as coach at Liverpool. Apparently he has just heard that West Ham are after a fat bloke called Sam for a top role. The club later confirm that he won’t be coming to the Boleyn, a fact lamented by local bakeries and pie shops still reeling from the loss of Benni McCarthy related profits. Kevin Keen decides to up sticks to join Steve Clarke up at Anfield where he is promised a bigger salary and protection from the bigger boys whilst doing his paper round. 5 That Was The Season That Was – 2011/12 – KUMB.com July Shenanigans‐a‐plenty as the Olympic Stadium takes centre stage. The Legacy Company suspend Dionne Knight, an employee, over revelations that she has been paid as a consultant by the club, a fact of which the Legacy Company had previously been unaware. Meanwhile, the club temporarily suspend Olympic Project Director Ian Tompkins as it is revealed that he has been in a relationship with Ms Knight for some time. As the dust settles it transpires that the club has been quite open with its dealings with Ms Knight and that there are serious concerns as to how private financial dealings became public. The club announces legal action against Spurs, who it seems have resorted to using a private investigator in their rather shabby attempts to move upmarket, and against the Sunday Times who have been conned into acting as Spurs’ mouthpiece over the affair. Another part of the Murdoch empire is in trouble over ‘phone hacking claims as it transpires that the News Of The World has been listening into the messages of murder victims and the families of dead servicemen, as well as the hundreds of two‐bob so‐called celebrities who couldn’t otherwise buy that sort of publicity. Thousands are left wondering as to how they will be able to keep up with the lives of Ashley and Cheryl Cole as the NOTW closes down for good. Spurs chairman Daniel Levy sadly fails to take the hint. More transfer rumours as Joe Cole is linked with a loan move to the Boleyn having slummed it at Chelsea and Liverpool over the past few years. As ever it appears that wages might be a sticking point, what with Cole’s agent rather unsportingly suggesting that we might consider paying some. Scott Parker. No Turkey. 6 That Was The Season That Was – 2011/12 – KUMB.com Scott Parker’s still about. A reported £10m bid from Turkish giants Fenerbahce finds favour with the club but not the player who prefers to stay a little