DEALING WITH DISAPPOINTMENT

WITH MYSELF , SPOUSE , AND GOD

F. JACOBY | WWW.FOUNDCHRISTCOUNSEL.ORG WHAT'S INSIDE

3 | Welcome Page About the Author

4-7 | Disappointment with Yourself Addressing Expectations by Grace

8-11 | Disappointment with Spouse Exploring Our Hearts and Seeking Change 12-15 | Disappointment with God 3 Questions and Answers to Consider

16-17| Conclusion & Thank You Page Let Us Know How We Can Help!

© Fred Jacoby | www.foundchristcounsel.org Fred Jacoby, MA is the Founder & Executive Director of Foundations Christian Counseling Services. He is author of "The Black-and-White Thinking Christian" and also serves as Pastor of Counseling at Cornerstone Community Church. Fred is married with twin adult sons.

Thank you for downloading our free pdf of "Dealing with Disappointment." We this free reading will help you in your journey through difficult relationships, as well as your relationship with God.

May the Lord bless you in your quest to know Him deeper and seek godly counsel.

03 | Dealing With Disappointment © Fred Jacoby I www.foundchristcounsel.org When You're Disappointed

in Yourself by Fred Jacoby, MA "I can't believe I did that...again. I am so stupid! Why can't I stop! Why did I say that? Why did I do that? You'd think I'd know better. Loser. Idiot. Stupid."

If we talked to others the way we talk to ourselves, would we be called bullies or abusers? Self-criticism and self-condemnation are frequent occurrences when we mess up in speech or actions. The thoughts of messing up or failing quickly turn into name calling and character attacks. A simple "I can't believe I did that" turns into "I am stupid." The focus goes from a criticism of the action to an attack on the person. We may then judge ourselves to be incapable and unworthy. Being disappointed in ourselves often leads to towards ourselves. Anger turned inward often leads to .

Being disappointed in oneself is fairly common. As long as we're human and imperfect, we'll mess up. We'll fail. We'll make poor decisions, and we'll do it over and over again because we either think it'll be different this time, we forget, or we simply don't care.

04 | Dealing With Disappointment © Fred Jacoby I www.foundchristcounsel.org Why do we find it so hard to accept that we fail often? Why is it equally as hard to differentiate between failing and being 'a failure?' Losing and being 'a loser?' Doing something stupid to being stupid?

If you're disappointed in yourself often, here are a few things to consider:

Expectations: What did you expect when you messed up? Most people would agree that "nobody's perfect," but that doesn't mean they believe it. Or perhaps we would agree that we aren't perfect, but we should meet a certain set of standards. We should do better, be better, or perform better means that we shouldn't mess up, fail, or do a bad job. We should learn from mistakes and shouldn't make them over again. Whenever we do what we shouldn't, we are disappointed with ourselves because we fail to live up to our standards.

Accepting Reality: Failing is probably the one constant that we fail to accept. We say, "I can't believe I did that!" Well, why can't you believe you did that? Do you think that you are incapable of messing up? Do you expect that you wouldn't or couldn't mess up? We ought to "think soberly" about ourselves and neither think too highly of ourselves nor too lowly, but instead to be realistic (Rom 12:3). We are not the "me I want to be," that is, the ideal me. We have to accept who we are, and that means accepting that we are imperfect beings who make bad decisions at times, who choose to sin, and who fail in actions, words, and relationships. Accepting this is important.

05 | Dealing With Disappointment © Fred Jacoby I www.foundchristcounsel.org Worth & Grace: We make "worth statements" when we are disappointed in ourselves. If we call ourselves names ("Idiot") or condemn ourselves ("I'm so stupid"), we are judging ourselves and essentially declaring our worth (or worthlessness). Instead of focusing on the action or decision ("that was dumb" or "I could have done that better"), we may focus on our personhood ("I am so stupid")... and believe such statements. We assume such judgments about ourselves are truth, and so our disappointment with ourselves turns into anger, then depression. Yet if our worth were to be found in our actions (successes or failures), not many of us would have much worth in ourselves as we make mistakes, poor decisions, and sin on a daily basis. Although it's appropriate to be convicted over sin, our condemnation has fallen upon Christ, therefore we do not need to condemn ourselves (Rom 8:1). We would also do well to have the same mindset as Paul who states, "I care very little if I am judged by you or by any human court; indeed, I do not even judge myself. My conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent. It is the Lord who judges me" (I Cor 4:3-4). He does not judge or condemn himself, but recognizes that responsibility belongs to the Lord. He has learned to live by grace, which is to give and receive favor that is not based on actions, neither is it earned by successes or limited by failures. His worth is defined by God's favor, and not his own actions or words of other people.

I never knew how difficult parenting would be. I've made poor decisions. I've been self-centered in many decisions. I haven't always loved well. I haven't always shown Christ to my children. I look back and wish I could have a do-over, because maybe it would be different. And so, I live with and disappoint- ment, knowing that I have failed in many ways. And yet, even if I

06 | Dealing With Disappointment © Fred Jacoby I www.foundchristcounsel.org I am imperfect. I am a sinner...and God hasn't completed His work in me yet. This is hard to accept, but accepting it is a must.

could have a do-over, I also believe I would mess up in both similar and different ways. Why? Because I am imperfect. I am a sinner...and God hasn't completed His work in me yet. This is hard to accept, but accepting it is a must.

When we deal with disappointing ourselves, identify your expectations (recognizing the words "should" and "shouldn't" will give you a clue!), accept the fact that you are a work in progress who remains broken, imperfect, sinful, and unfinished (Phil 1:6), and believe that your worth is not defined by your failings or your self-declarations ("I'm stupid"), but through in Christ. Speak the Truth to yourself (Truth is defined by His Word, not your ), and stop listening to yourself. Only then will we begin to overcome our disappointments in ourselves.

07 | Dealing With Disappointment © Fred Jacoby I www.foundchristcounsel.org WHEN YOU'RE DISAPPOINTED IN YOUR SPOUSE

I’d like to admit. And as a marriage counselor, I can also say that As a Philadelphia sports fan, disappoint- disappointment occurs in every ment has been a regular occurrence. marriage to some extent. Just when my would raise on a great play, someone made a costly error Disappointment is not something we resulting in a loss. Real fans remain fans, want to have inside of us. We’d like even in such disappointment. When to be happy with our spouses and there is continual disappointment, the choices they make on a regular however, faith begins to wane and hope becomes hidden in the sea of basis. Unfortunately, this does not disappointments. occur as often as we'd like. What causes disappointments in our As a married man, I can say that spouses & what can we do about it? disappointment occurs on a regular basis. Sometimes such disappointment Disappointment in our spouses (or at is my feelings towards my wife, and any time) is often caused by three other times it is my wife’s feelings things: 1) Our expectations for them towards me (I think even more-so). It’s ,2) our expectations for God, and 3) an occurrence that happens more than the other’s actual actions.

08 | Dealing with Dissapointment © Fred Jacoby I www.foundchristcounsel.org 1) Expectations for Them – If our expectations are high, then chances are others will not meet them and of course, we will be disappointed. We have set standards for our spouses and they remain unmet. Sometimes certain standards are high and also appropriate. For example, it is appropriate to have a standard that you will not be physically hurt by them, that they will remain faithful, that they will treat you with and respect, etc. It is inappropriate, however, to expect your spouse to do what you want when you want it. If you come home and expect the house to be cleaned, laundry done, for them to clean up after themselves at all times, kiss you when you , be open to talk when you want, etc., then you are clearly having inappropriate or high expectations. You will be disappointed. Our is never found when others meet our expectations. A happy marriage is not when others meet your expectations. A God- honoring marriage is when spouses practice , over- look offenses, and they recognize that their spouses are fallible – meaning that they are not designed to measure up to our expectations. How could they? They are self-centered sinners, just like us (see #3).

2) Expectations for God – Sometimes we look at God as the cosmic Santa Claus or the Soda/Pop Machine where we give Him our prayer dollars and expect to receive what we want when we want it. We want God to live for us so that we become happy in this life. If our spouses make us happy and do not disappoint us, then we are happy. If there is no , then we will be happy. If we are disappointed, then we say that God did not hold up His end of the deal. The death of a loved one, an unfaithful spouse, sickness, loss of job, whatever that may be – we blame God for not meeting our expectations. Isn’t he a loving God? Well, He allowed this and suffering to happen! If God allowed such pain and the end result of my prayers do not end as I would like, then He failed or God “didn’t work.” In our marriages, we will be

09 | Dealing With Disappointment © Fred Jacoby I www.foundchristcounsel.org disappointed. We may also be disappointed that God hasn’t “changed” our spouse or answered our prayers in relation to our spouses. Perhaps this would be a good time to recognize that “His ways are not our ways,” that He has never promised us that we would not go through suffering, but that He has promised He would be with us always (Mt 28:18), even in our suffering. The time of never-suffering will come, but not until we are with Him in eternity. (For more on this, read Philip Yancy’s “Disappointment with God“)

3) Spouse’s Actions – Truth be told, we will be disappointed in our spouses because they are like us; sinners in need of a savior. Their hearts are like ours, often self-centered. Their motives towards us are like ours towards them, tainted. Some actions we all do may be out of pure love, and some loving actions may appear to be loving, but are self-centered. And sometimes there’s a mix of both. They also have expectations for us and when we don’t meet them, they get disappointed and angry, too. As sinners, they will not only be focused on themselves, but they will intently harm us with hurtful words, by ignoring us, or by doing something they know we will not like. When they purposely do these things, we are hurt. We are disappointed.

How Do We Deal With Our Disappointment?

The one thing we can expect in marriage is that we will be disappointed. This disappointment is sometimes our fault and it is sometimes our spouse’s fault. When we are disappointed, first we need to look at ourselves. What are our standards and expectations for our spouses? What is our expectation for God? What is it that we “need” that the other person is not meeting? (Note: if it is a need or demand, it may be an idol in our lives. Our

10 | Dealing With Disappointment © Fred Jacoby I www.foundchristcounsel.org spouses are not designed to meet our greatest needs of value and worth. Only God can do this). Other people, including God, do not exist to please us or meet our expectations. On the other hand, we must recalibrate our lives and recognize that God is at the center and then practice forgiveness, adjust our expectations, over-look certain faults in our spouses, and love and honor our spouses. We must also recognize that we are sinners first and we are in desperate need of a Savior. If we solely focus on our spouse's faults, we will place ourselves above them, judge them, and we will fail to recognize the change we need in ourselves…and we will remain disappointed.

After we look at ourselves and make any necessary heart changes that begin with repentance, then we can address our spouses and ask for what we desire. One can start by asking their spouse if they would like to change anything in the relationship, or if they are happy with how the relationship is going. While truly listening, respond well to them and then share your heart with them. “I feel hurt when you come home and don’t acknowledge me.” “I am disappointed that you have more time for our children and tasks in the house, but you don’t have time for me.” Sometimes, we may need to ask people only to listen and not to respond immediately because they may get defensive and not truly listen.

Disappointment is common, but it does not have to reign in your marriage. First address your own expectations or demands, then you can speak to your spouse about your struggle with disappointment. Note: For situations which include emotional or physical abuse, you will need different counsel to address disappointments and abuse.

11 | Dealing With Disappointment © Fred Jacoby I www.foundchristcounsel.org WHEN YOU'RE DISAPPOINTED WITH GOD

Whether disappointment begins with self, Disappointment spouse, or others, disappointment eventually leads back to God. If we are eventually leads honest with ourselves and God, we are disappointed with Him. It’s not that God back to God. sinned against us, but there are times we some feel as though God has wronged us. As we wrestle with our disappoint- ment with God, it’s important to look The death of a loved one. Sickness. A lost at a few questions: Why are we job. A wayward child. A cheating spouse. disappointed with God? What did we Any form of suffering that we feel is expect or want from Him? What do undeserved, unwanted, or untimely is a we need to do to overcome our ticket to Disappointmentville. disappointment?

12 | Dealing With Disappointment © Fred Jacoby I www.foundchristcounsel.org “Why are we disappointed with God?” can be summed up in this: Not this. If we say that we (or another) didn’t This is an easy answer for most people. deserve what they we through, we We’re disappointed because God didn’t expected Him to be like the boss who is do what we think He should have done. obligated to give what is owed, such as We conclude He made the wrong a paycheck for work performed. If we choice or a bad decision and if I had a say we wanted a life without suffering, choice, the outcome would have been then we expected heaven on earth. Or different…even better. We might if we say we had dreams and God argue, “If I was in charge, this wouldn’t messed them up, then we expected have happened. A better decision Him to be compliant with our dreams. would have been ______.” Or maybe we Any time we are dis-appointed with might say, “He (She or I) didn’t deserve God, we wanted or expected something this. He did all of these good things and from Him, and He did not comply with he should have been rewarded or what we thought would be best. blessed, not given more suffering!” Such questions God’s goodness “What do we need to do to overcome and wisdom and proclaim that we our disappointment?” know better or are more wise than He. Yet these questions are honest In other words, How do we deal with it? questions as we wrestle with pain and Many have chosen to distance them- suffering outside of our control. selves from God for an extended period of time. Disappointment quickly turns “What did we expect from Him?” to anger and anger leads to 180 degrees from God and towards self. This can There are multiple answers to this lead to depression or outright defiance question, yet perhaps all the answers against God. So, what can we do?

13 | Dealing With Disappointment © Fred Jacoby I www.foundchristcounsel.org First, be committed to work it out with response to Job (Job 37ff) involved Job’s God. need to repent and humble himself before God. Without humility, you Don’t settle for being disappointed and cannot overcome your disappointment distanced from God. Our natural with God. tendencies may be to avoid conflict with God (or others) because we do not Being committed to work through the want to deal with the pain of the disappointment and humbling events that led to the disappointment. ourselves before God puts us in a place But if you aren’t committed to working for the third step: Challenge your through this, there may be additional theology. Challenge your idea of what hardships caused by such avoidance good means (Mark 10:18). Is God good (anger, hurt relationships because of all the time (& all the time God is good) anger, etc.). (Ps 100:5)? Can He be good even when I am hurt? Can good come from what is Second, humble yourself before Him. bad/evil (Rom 8:28-29)? Is God wise (1 Cor 2)? Does He know what He is doing Confess your feelings, thoughts, and (Ps 147:5, Job 21:22)? Is His way perfect accusations to Him. It is not okay to be (Ps 18:10)? Do I know best or does God (1 angry with God, but if you are, tell Him Cor 2:16, Is 55:8-9)? out loud (sometimes we need to hear it expressed out loud). Then repent. Finally, Him. Remember that He is God and we are not. Reread Job’s arguments to his This will be difficult to do if we don’t first “friends” and to God. He also did not humble ourselves and challenge our feel as though he deserved theology. In order to deal with our any suffering he received. Yet God’s disappointment, we must believe that

14 | Dealing With Disappointment © Fred Jacoby I www.foundchristcounsel.org "We must believe that He is greater, wiser, trustworthy, faithful, compassionate, and good."

He is greater, wiser, trustworthy, faithful, all- knowing, compassionate and good. Does God have a plan? Yes. Do I need to know and understand what God is doing for it to be OK with me (Prov 3:5-6)? No. Is God good? Yes. Is what happened good? No. Will He turn it into good? Yes. How? We don’t know. Will you trust Him anyway? It is only when we believe in the character and promises of God that we can deal with our disappointments with God and move forward in our relationship with Him.I’ve had a conversation with a man who lost his wife to cancer. He and several children suffered greatly at her death. As we discussed the loss, we discussed several perspectives. One, that his wife was taken away from him by God. The other perspective is that the Lord did not take her, but received her by His grace and made a promise that he will see her again through faith in Christ. It is because of the character and promises of God that brings hope to the disappointed. work out your faith and disappoint- Friends, all of us will be disappointed with ments and draw near to Him who compassionately hears. Our ways God, probably many times in our lives, certainly are not His ways, but God is because He does not do what we want Him good, God is Love, and God will not to do. Let me encourage you to continue to leave you nor forsake you.

15 | Dealing With Disappointment © Fred Jacoby I www.foundchristcounsel.org CONCLUSION

Disappointment is part of the human experience. Whether we are disappointed in ourselves, others, or life, disappointment typically points back to God because He is in control and allows disappointment to enter our lives.

Disappointment will either lead us further from God, or it can lead us into His arms. Whatever the disappointment, He promises that all things will work together for our good (Rom 8:28-29). And because He is good, we can trust Him.

Disappointment will also reveal the expectations in our hearts that need to be challenged and addressed through Christ. Often, such expectations are laws or standards recognize your disappointment, search we have set for ourselves and others, your heart for heart and which ought to be replaced by grace demands, and follow the path of grace - unmerited favor. set before us by Christ. Let His unmerited favor guard and guide your My hope for you is that you will hearts through Christ Jesus. Amen.

16 | Dealing With Disappointment © Fred Jacoby I www.foundchristcounsel.org Thank you for downloading our free pdf of "Dealing with Disappointment."

If you would like to meet with one of our counselors in person or online, please contact us at [email protected], or call us at 877-414-HOPE (4673).

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