The April 27—May 1, 1970 Women's Weakly Being the calculated indiscretion of the University of Queensland Union for Commem Week 1970. ••
WHACKO 32 PAGES 30 CENTS LIFTOUT INSIDE TO THE CENTURIONS, GUARDIANS OF QUEENSLAND'S MORALS Gentlemen of the Vice Squad, GOESUNDER I hope you enjoy a few snickers generated by the contents of this publication. The law grants you alone the benefit of possessing in GOES corruptible morals. The law is an ass. DOWN SI00 COMMEM SEMPER CONTEST Seven entries were received. UNDER Winner of the Tirst prize of $75 was: BILL EGAN (Eng.lV). Both entries, which were clearly superior to all other entries, arc published here. Second prize of $ IS was awarded to; RON GRENIER (Union staff member). One contribution has been printed. Third prize of $ 10 went on a coin to.ss to: I.G. CAMPBELL. The traditional crop of unprintable entries was also received. By JERRY NIGHTLY
EDITOR Alan Fowler ADVERTISING Alan Fowler
CONTRIBUTORS Nick Booth (alphabetical) Evan Ham Tim O'Dwyer Mrs. Lachlan Macquarie, wife of the Governor of the Glen Ricketts For someone who has lived 45 years in Rhodesia Colony of New South Wales (1810-21). iVIr. Edgar Allan Poe-Waters is quite a surprise. He looks The chamber-pot will have taken a circuitous route back like the picture of a Briddish club-man: tall and trim, Uniserv Typesetting to Australia where it will be kept well and truly hidden, TYPESETTING plump, of medium height, red-complexioned, with in a basement of the National Library, Canberra. The Press Etching creamy-white hair (on his,head, eye-brows and ears), 'pot was originally made-to-measure for Mrs. Macquarie only a little less luxuriant than the moustache on his by a convict craftsman named Metlors who later took top lip. his liberty as a game-keeper employed by Governor PRINTER Mirror Newspapers But then all is explained. He Is Briddish. Macquarie. Now you may wonder what this so far has;to do with Apparently as time passed Mrs. Macquarie found the 'pot the title of this article. Nothing, really. It is just a inadequate for her nocturnal needs and gave it to her frustrating style we copied from IWartin Collins in the niece Mary Capable-Smith, whose daughter Margaret de "Australian". L'ightful left it to her grand-daughter Caroline Poe- But to return to this interesting garbage: Fifty years Waters. Caroline's great-grandson Edgar Allan Poe-Waters posters younger in spirit and intelligence than his true fifty-nine decided it was time the chamber-pot went home when years, Mr. Poe-Waters refused at first to talk to us about sewerage was connected to his modest mansion in a quiet his gift to the Australian nation. So we belted hell out of white Salisbury suburb. magazines him until he gave us this whole ridiculous story, his The official presentation was made by Mr. Poe-Waters in wallet and gold watch. His gift is a highly decorative and the Salisbury office of the recently appointed Ambas still functional chamber-pot which had first belonged to programmes sador to Rhodesia, Sir James Killen. anything
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Page 2 THE WOMEN'S WEAKLY—April 27—May 1,1970 EXOTIC INDIAN LIFE IN BEAUTIFUL DOWNTOWN BRISBANE
This is the beautiful downtown Brisbane townhouse. Bought with the intention of renovating, the house is used by several teachers of yoghurt and by students of transcontinental meditation.
A fanatical supporter (second from left) of the White Australia Policy is Eunuchs guard the entrance to Brisbane's ivory tower. restrained from the expression of his opinion. Rammita is on the right."
Recently arrived from India are several exponents by a group of unwashed youths, who described them of the well-known Indian art of Yoghurt. The leader selves as students. They asked him whether he was of the team, Rammita Pyuras, when asked where the in favour of the proposed Moratorium. After consulting team came from, replied, "Oh, Calcutta! But we had with one of his followers, Rammita replied, "I am few problems coming through your Customs, you are told that this word means a period when one does understanding. They were being most helpful after they not have to pay any debts. I am fully in favour of it." were learning that we were from Calcutta, India, not He went on to explain that, at his college, students Calcutta, New York. My word, yes." would have complete control over the way in which Rammita and his colleagues have settled into a subjects would be taught, and would even set their large sandstone Brisbane dwelling place near the river, own examination papers. which is a blot on the scenery and is definitely a The students held a brief consultation, and declared Mysore. It is their hope to encourage the art of that since Rammita had anticipated their demands in 'Injuns? Whuz tha Injuns? Ah'll blow out their gizzards." Yoghurt (as depicted on the front cover}, and to advance, he was "a lick-spittle lackey of international spread the art of Yoghurt at first across Brisbane communo-fascist imperialism" because he had left them and later across the entire State. . with nothing to protest against. They marched off, Also staying with the team is a group of. students chanting, "R. Pyuras - the enemy of the people". studying transcontinental meditation. These students, As Yoghurt and transcontinental meditation spread proteges of the Maharishi Hashish Yoghurt, frequently across Brisbane and people fall under its influence, conduct full undress rehearsals (see front cover [again!]) Rammita expects many people to become involved as part of their training. The vivid colours with which in the practices of Yoghurt and transcontinental med COMMEM SEMPER IS SAT UPON l-ROM GREAT HEIGHTS they paint themselves have definate symbolic meanings. itation. He also expects to make a lot of money The violet, indigo, blue, green, yellow, orange and red IN the exercise of (heir discretion, tlie printers last Friday from TV and radio appearances, and from airline com refused to print t!ie original front cover for this issue. Also to all symbolise the colours one can ordinarily see. missions, as he will emphasise the necessity for all sviffcr wer? 80,000 pages already printed, which were consigned his followers to make several pilgrimages to his place to the pulping plant because of allegedly obscene and defamatory Rammita and his followers were met at the airport of birth in East Finchley, London. mutter in the cover story.
THE WOMBNS WEAKLY —April 27—May 1, 1970 PogeS ll ,i
•
^^^^m^ LEFT: Cock Pit : Sitting on ^^^^^^^^H' a Throbbing Red Joy Stick RANDY ^^^^^^V
\ 1 comes
LEFT: Symbol of Deflower Power : De Flower, to Further Activity was Laid on the Table until the next Meeting
BELOW: Anyone for a Pillow Fight? Last one in is a Born Loser. Town
Famous Bulgarian actress Ima Slakmollski has the leading roll playing a rabbit in 'Randy'. Her opposites are English actor Dick Spurtin who plays a person of stallion qualities, and Yanker Wal Nut who plays a queen. The story starts in Ima's burrow when Dick becomes pashinate and expresses his amorous desires. Ima stalls but stallions (who frequent stalls and are better acquaint ed with their purposes) don't and Dick Spurtin does. Next on the stack is Gringo Parr who balls Ima on cue on the billiard table. In the greatest of all love scenes, Ima supports Wal Nut and backs up him in a tender moment of true devotion. Ima becomes flighty and takes off in a large commercial airliner decorated with wall to wall floors. An erotic fantasy in her cock pit precedes a frolic in the charming ly appointed cabin. The cabin decorations resemble a bucket of shell grit blasted onto the cabin walls and then BELOW: Making Randy is like Taking Fruit From a Baby. Seen here painted a delightful shade of chunder-green. At the rear of Pashin' Fruit is Dick Spurtin, one of the Original Hairy Guys. the plane is Ima's dentist, played by Fang Sharp. Ima
ABOVE: "Harder! Push Harderl You're Hardly Moving Me Ringo!"
on entering the chair said that having teeth extracted was as painful as having a baby. Retorted Fang;'Well, make up your mind in a hurry because I'll have to alter the position of the chair.' The plane burnt up while attempting to re-enter the earth's atmosphere.
"CANDY" comes to the Town Theatre In July. Don't miss it, Page 4 TiiE Wo.MEN's WE,\KU—April 27—May 1, 1970 SOCIAL ROOTAROUND
OFF for a trip of southern abattoirs is Miss Agatha Pruneface, who was recently chosen as Miss Soap Sud. Agatha, who works in the AT RIGHT: boning room at Borthwicks meatworks, was About to leave on his annual chosen by her fellow imployees as tha one at vacation is playboy Dick whom they would most like to point their Kickapoo, seated on his cus tom-fitted open tourer. The bones. Shortly after, Agatha won the meat- vehicle, rated at two for speed. Her top comfort is works Miss Tatlow Boiler contest. Her prize serf-power, has a top speed of about twenty inches on level as Miss Tallow Boiler is five years' supply of one league per hour on level ground and is rated as hard cooking margarine. As Miss Soap Sud, Agatha ground and is built for speed work. Here she is seen seated will receive five years' supply of aerosol rather than for comfort. His on her custom-built posterior, shaving cream, floating soap, and detergent. pfaymate, Miss Angelique about to farewell Dick on his Sweetlips, on the contrary, is urgently needed vacation (note built for comfort rather than the supporting straps).
A HONEYMOON in glorious downtown Slacks Creek will follow the wedding next Saturday ol Miss Nora Norgs and Mr Sammy Long Prong. Nora and Sammy met in Sydney shortly after Sammy's arrival from Hong Kong. There was a whirlwind courtship lasting Mn days during their journey to Brisbane from Sydney's Chapel Street. The wedding will be held in the Registry Office, Brisbane. The bride's father, Mr John Norgs, a prominent musician, will provide musical accompaniment at the wedding on a casette tape recorder. The reception is to be held at the Brisbane Joss House, which is becoming famous for the high quality of joss being served to patrons. Sammy expects to have no further problems with the immigration department.
Miss Virgina Simple looked ravishing the Other night at her def iowerment by Mr Randy Hand. The ceremony took place under the jacaranda trees at her parents' riverside home. Virgina wore a black lace evening dress which was later discarded in favour of the more comfortable and suitable tartan rug from Randy's car. ABOVE: ABOVE: This delightfully candid view So It's usually the other way around. Performing the unnat JUST back from a fabulous honeymoon trip of two visitors to the annual Gardeners' Show depicts well- ural twist is Miss Penelope are Cecil and Maud Jerks. They day-tripped known sower, Mellors, and his Wiseacre who forgot to wear from their motel room in idyllic Cribb Island. landlady-employer. Lady her chastity belt. On the rec Unfortunately, the motel was raided and Shatterley. Their discussion eiving end of her insurance Cecil and Maud were arrested for possessing was on the relative nwrits of premiums is Mr. John Dimwit, marijhuana. Their trips ceased thereafter. mulching and caring for some who, despite his glared exp wild oats which had just been ression, has not yet woken up sown. to his partner's fiendish plot.
A SILK shantung G-string and anodised aluminium foil nipple caps (made by Norko Milk Pty Ltd! will be worn fay Miss Myrtle Screw at her wedding next weekend to Mr. AT RIGHT: Well-known social climber Miss Alphonse Cork. Myrtle is the only mistake of BELOW: Gladys Punypaps attempts to Mr. John Jones and Miss Agatha Screw. What happened at the grog-on at a city hotel last week? attract the cameraman's atten Well, "Time, gentlemen" tion. As will be observed her wasn't enough so they switch efforts were not unsuccessful, TELEPHONE call last week from prominent ed out the lights. The show unfortunately for you, It was capitalist shareholder in Australian Consolid must go on, so it did. Illumin rumoured that her escort was a well-known stallion by the ated Press, Mr. Julius Goldberger, who men ation was generously provided by a disturbed hotel guest, Mr. name of Genghis Khan (Mark tioned that his daughter, Sarah, is soon to be R. van Winkle, Left to right 111). The rumour proved false, married, Sarah's fiance is Mr. Patrick Joseph in the photo are Miss Nora unfortunately for her. Miss O'Reilly, whom she met at a Salvation Army Norgless, Mr. J. Punch, Mrs. Punypaps has since returned whence she came, owing to a crusade three years ago. The wedding is to Maud Smith and her husband Mr. Fred Smith. Mr. Punch's bout of pneumonia contracted be held in the Greek Orthodox church, and wife, Judy, also attended the after prolonged contact with Archbishop Strong will perform the ceremony. function but was entertaining cold marble floors. After the honeymoon, Patrick and Sarah will elsewhere at the time of the return to their jobs as caretakers of the photo. Mosque.
LATE Prank Packer who met a timely fate at the hands of his sons in a barrel of printers' ink, was carried to his last earthly niche by his close colleagues and business friends, incl uding Mr. Mupert Rurdoch. His large circle of bereaved friends wished him a speedy trip to his well-earned final spiritual abode.
THE AUSTRALIAN WOAIEN-S WEAKLY —April 27—May 1,1970 Page 5 SEARCH FOR JUNGLE BUM
By BILL EGAN
IN AN EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW, THAT TRULY INSIPID EXPLORER AND JOURNALIST ROBERT STANLEY, TELLS WOMEN'S WEAKLY OF HIS HAIR-SPLITTING ADVENTURES IN DARKEST AFRICA DURING HIS SEARCH FOR MISSING SCIENTIST DR LIVERSTONE.
STANLEY IN TRAINING FOR THE SAFARI. The Witch Doctor eyed mc carefully. "Mc Tarzan," he said, plucking mc from the pol, "You a Jane?" "You don't look it. Incidentally, if you want a bet in Sydney "Oh no," I hastily assured him, "I'm a Stanley." or Melbourne you can go to the local TABU - it'sjust behind the He examined me minutely, then gave a satisfied nod. sacrificial altar." "You a Stanley all right," he confirmed, "Shake." "How very appropriate," I murmured. 1 shook obediently. My stay at the Kaffir village was a pleasant one, until the day 1 "I mean shake hand.s" said the Ape Man impatiently as he wandered alone into the jungle. There I met a tiny black boy, It vigorously pumped my hand. was a humid day and he was perspiring freely. 1 realised at onre that he was a Hottentot. My poor fingers felt as though (hey had been permanently welded ~ it must have been Tarzan's Grip. "What are you doing?" I asked him affably. My rescuer didn't really look like Tarzan - his skin hung in "I'm drawing the Lion." fotlorn folds around a permanently expanded stomach, whilst his 1 looked over his shoulder. long grey hair could not conceal a vast bald patch. He didn't My name is Stanley. "But lions aren't red and blue and orange and purple!" smell too good either. I am an Explorer. (I used lo be a Plorcr but I had lo give it up). He looked at me disdainfully. Tarzan writhed under my inscrutable scrutiny and explained "Oh Stanley dear," my old Mother wept piteously, "I do wish "I'm drawing the COLOUR Lion, white man." that I'd caught him without his make-up on; but even as he .spoke, you weren't going safari, Just because Dr Livcrstonc has (he gall He look my hand and led me through the dense undergrowth he casually disembowelled a man-eating lion which had sprung at to get lost in the impenetrable jungles of the Dark Continent. Why us, so I had to admit that he was the real thing. not just gel Ihc launch to Bi.'shop Island?" to a strange native village. Then I noticed his twisted leg, i merely smiled bravely and chucked her under Ihe chins. My "Mr Stanley, this is my falhcr, Nay Vcl." I bowed ceremoni rather had died of a clot. U was Mother. ously. "What happened to your leg?" 1 asked solicitously. (I once studied law.) Resides, this was lo be my Great Adventure, for I knew that if "Father," he said, "This is Supper." "The bloody vine finally broke," he spat disgustedly. "Every I could find Livcrstonc I would be famous. I was in a terrible stew, when suddenly a huge white man thing's gone wrong since Jane ran off with that blasted Dr wearing only a banana leaf emerged from the jungle. With Liverpill." And so lo ,«a. friglitcncd cries the Hottentots disappeared as the stranger strode "Liverstone?" I had always .luspected that the "S.S." before a ship's name towards mc shouting "Ungowa! Ungowa!" with extreme ferocity. would spell Sea Sickness for me, but I soon discovered it stood Tarzan smote his chest in fury. for Sin and Sex. With all lho.« loose women running loose that "That's him!" he coughed. "Sneaked off in the night they luxury liner was more like a tramp steamer. Outside the 3-mile did, without even leaving a message stick." limit Iherc wasn't any. I quickly explained my presence in Africa and we decided to I lost 10 lbs. before 1 reached Africa. join forces in seeking out Dr Liverstone. Once in Zanzibar, however, 1 set about the serious business of Tarzan's excitement was intense. finding suitable transport for my arduous journey. Signs all over "Have some lunch with me first, then go and pick up your the city said "Mammoth Sale", yet 1 had great difficulty in elephant. I'll drive my Jaguar." purchasing an Elephant. I got one eventually by looking up the Pink Pages under "Procurers", although the man warned mc that "What's for lunch?" I panted as I struggled to keep pace with the Ape Man along the rough jungle trail. he thought I was being a trifle too ambitious for a beginner. "l-'resh Panther Pic - I caught a couple this morning." When \ asked liim about Native ticarcts, lie replied sadly that there weren't any Koalas left in Africa. However, he was quite But when we got there, millions of huge African ants had delighted when he realised 1 meant Porters. invaded the black carcasses. "Bwana lucky" he shouted, "Zulus back in town." "I'm afraid," 1 announced ruefully, "You have ants in your Panthers." So, for only $20, I finished up with an elephant, 8 Zulu bearers and 4 dirty postcards. "Never mind," said Tarzan thrusting his hands into a cauldron bubbling nearby, "We still have the entree. Eat up," I still don't sec how they do it. "This is absolutely delicious poultry," I complimented between Thus began llic terrifying tortuous (rip through the steaming sweltering jungle, pressing ever onward towards Lake Tanganyika mouthfuls, "Wliatisit?" in search of the missing Livcistonc. "Sucking Pygmy." Tlic privations were awful. (You'd think a country as old as I hastily pushed my plate away. Africa would be SEWERED,) "I prefer white meal." I said apologetically. Have you ever ridden an elephant? After three agonising days I had two enormous blisters on that part of my anatomy which was We set off at dawn next day. Tarzan looked most impressive. expressly designed for sliding on; I was forced to stop at a friendly He had applied T.V. make-up liberally and had changed inlo a Kaffir village for medical treatment. fresh tiger skin. The Witch Doctor diagnosed the trouble as Pachydermatitis "Now me American," he boasted, "Tarzan stripes. Ungowa. and prescribed a long-.slanding cure. Let s go. He refused payment, but when I a.skcd him would he Kaffir a Unfortunately, his joy was short lived - a gigantic female cigarette he gracefully accepted. gorilla had suddenly blocked the trail and 1 fired both barrels of MODELLING THE LATEST IN JUNGLE JOCKSTRAPS. my elephant gun with devastating effect. ^ Quite close to the Witch Dispensary was a circle of native TARZAN TURNS THE OTHER CHEEK. warriors, all shouting excitedly as one of them threw 2 coins into "Aw Gee, Stanley, Giraffe to do that?" sobbed Tarzan the air. brokenly, "That was myMom. ERB will be terribly upset." "They look as thougli they're playing Two-Up" 1 joked to the "ERB'?" Witch Doctor. "ERB, That's me Dad. Edgar Rice Burrows." Then he shrugged "They arc," he rcpUctl, "They're Head Hunters." his stomach. "Ungowa," he said philosophically, "I guess site tried "I'm a Tail Dackcr myself," I told him. to make a monkey out of him." To page 10 Page 6 THE WoAtl-N's WKAKLV—April 27—May 1, 1970 GREASE f ) TRAP Rothwells say TRIP concentrate on your speech and leave your dresswear to the experts
ff>Vi i fS* Ik.:
A
"Yeah. I clean grease traps.' ^J
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The brilliant speech—the standing ovation —^how often behind such moments, the authoritative styling of a Rothwell dinner suit or tail suit has played its part. For over half a century the name Rothwells has been synonymous with elegant evening wear in fine quality lighter-weight fabrics expressly created for Queensland's climate. Dinner Suits $45 to $79 FuU Tail Suits $79.50 Australia's finest selection of evening accessories,
Cess demonslrales the method of inspecting a pease trap. Here he surfaces for his second deep breath. f > itlivrells BRISBANE. COOLANGATTA. TOOWOOMBA R5
The butcher, baker, and particularly the milkman are probably familiar sights around your home. Bui what of the other people on whom you rely for household services? One of these is the City Council during which he was involved in the planning and The traditional Australian method of cleaning grease uaps is grease trap cleaner, a person whose presence is obvious by the ring design of bus stops. Cess resigned and put up his shingle in to empty them by the mouthful. However. Cess believes that the of confidence he exudes. Spring Hill. increasing use of detergents and enzyme soap powders involves a pollution hazard for grease trap cleaners. The constant exposure Devotion beyond the call of duty as a grease trjip cleaner Cess is a voracious reader of Ihc Grease Trap Cleaners' of Ihe average Australian grease trap cleaner's epiglottis to the has earned Cess Pool of Brisbane an overseas study scholarship Journal, a quarterly publication of the English Grease Trap effects of chemical detergents has resulted in sterility. to study the latest developments in grease trap cleaning tech Cleaners' Association. He has been a frequent contributor to the niques in America, England and Europe, Before he left last week, Journal and believes that because he has received the study The adoption of tlie modern overseas methods of cleaning Women's Weakly decided to find out from him a little of the scholarship he will be able to observe at first hand the latest ideas grease traps is expected to result in an inllux of university life of a grease trap cleaner. in grease trap cleaning. A new British method of cleaning grease graduates into the profession of grease trap cleaning. Cess graduated several years ago with an engineering degree traps involves the use of a bucket and windlass. Cess believes Farewell Cess. Al the going down of the sun and the from Queensland University. After several years with the Brisbane that this method may be suitable for use in Australian conditions. overflowing of the grease traps wc will remember you.
Page 7 THBWOMEN'S WEAKLY —April 27-May 1,1970 LOOKING MONEY-SAVING FOR THE HANDY HINTS Summons servers are an odd breed. Scabs and top-offs to a man, yet tliey possess a devotion to RIGHT duty as noble as the vocation of a priest. To confront, and foil such a mania is an achievement that would get any devotee three stripes in the BANK? N.L.F. But it can be done. At Home For the sake of simplicity, we introduce Mr, Smith. We're here. We have a full branch right inside the University, Mr. Smith has been around a long time, and has providing every savings and trading bank service. little or no .sympathy for such things as banks and hire purcha.« companies. Easy to find— Now let's suppose that a summons server tries 1st FLOOR to get Mr. Smith at home. For this reason he has developed an instant- STUDENT UNION BUILDING reaction technique when asnswering the door as It's new. It's exciting. It can We also have a sub-branch in the J.D. Story Administration follows: be a little complicated too. Bell rings and Mr. Smith takes a long shot of Building. It's handy and you get all banking services there too. something strong, shivers, and opens door. An ugly But listen. Life can be easier Savings accounts, cheque accounts, overseas business, little man in an old suit stands there. for you. RAGS Tampons travellers' cheques—we provide them all. AND our cheque Hackles, rising our Hero asks him what he all but do away with diff wants. books and passbooks have "University of Queensland (St. The ugly little man reaches for his right vest icult day!«. The unique des Lucia)" on them. ign of RAGS allows them pocket and says, "Is Mr. Smith in?" Mr. Smith, glowering: "No, he's gone to Fiji." to expand lengthwise not HOURS OF BUSINESS: Ugly little man's hand stops moving towards sideways. As it expands you Savings Bank his vest pocket. wrap it around your waist Mon.-Thurs. 9.30 a.m.-3 p.m. "You mean he doesn't live here any more?" or anywhere else you like. Mr. Smith, glowering even harder: "yes he lives Friday 9.30 a.m.-5 p.m. here. He flies home every night for supper." But be sure that your boy Trading Bank Ugly little man, reaching for his pocket again, friend does not try to hug 10a.m.-3 p.m. "Oh, in that case.. ." you; Mon.-Thurs. Stops, stares hard at Mr. Smith. Our Hero Friday 10 a.m.-5 p.m. sneers and slams the door in his face. For a free sample, send $5 Of course the secret of this technique is in a plain envelope to Get with the Strength reaction. Commem Semper, Union, One needs some years' experience with process servers, or some very high class training, before St. Lucia. We may even he can look someone in the eye and say without reply with advice on what hesitation that he's not there, he's in Fiji. you can do. But you get it after a while. BANK eoMMommm Many summons servers, being sneaky fellows at heart, are prone to identify a vicrim first on . . . /fs the 8/ggesf/ the phone. This can be overcome. Phone rings. Our Hero picks it up and says gruffly: "Who is if!" There will always be a slight pause at such a WitViXXmt^mtvm direct approach. If an unfamiliar voice says, 'Is Mr. Smith Outerwear there?" our hero bounces back immediately with: "What Mr. Smith?" You see the cunning of this. In case it is someone he should see, he's left the door open. Now the process server will be even more bewild * Cnr. Hawken Drive & ered, and may end up by saying something like: Central Avenue, St. Luda. "The Mr. Smith that owes Bloodsucking Mcrch- antile Pty. Ltd. all that money." In which case our hero immediately says, "Oh, that Mr. Smith, He's in gaol." And hangs up. Never answer the phone in your own voice. 214 Moggill Road, Taringa It's sudden death. At Work
Phone: 713645 Another important area of vulnerability is al work. The forward thinking debtor will build up an elaborate and foolproof network around him imm ediately he settles into a new office. (Summons dodgers frequently find themselves in new offices.) A/Hr«: 75384 Office boys and giris must be instructed at all costs to discover the identity of every caller and the nature of his business. To make sure this has been accomplished, have a friend call up and ask for you without givmg anything away. If he still manages to get to you, take the office boy aside and tell him about Fred Edwards sells things you know. Point out the possibilities of him getting his «L" and "P» plates. head punched in if it happens again. And offer him a dollar for every summons He's a foundatioii server he stalls. You never have to pay it. Office boys are very easily conned. ' ' member of QUDSA Next, get the switch-girl on side. This can be done m a variety pf ways, none of which need lengthy discussion here. So what? This achieved, it is a simple matter for her to tell every caller you're not in, and take a number Edwards Driving School where you can ring them back. is tfte only one which withou„:.l^ '!'7t themu **°"'. * ''^"^'^ » """"bcr you're better off offers a genuine 10% u.^P°£^ ^°^P' "r''?."' 'fy'"e to tee up the boss. If he s the sort of bastard who'd let himself be discount to students. cowered by process servers you're better off in another job. Edwards Driving School Banks The most persistent of summons servers are Phone: 48.6449 banks. They use all sorts of ruses to trap the unwary. "^ or 2.8411 It's because they're so close to a quid, you see. They just can I bear to think of anyone dudding •laiKrSMAM f>1„ VALLFV -.^ them for it. " Such activities are strictly a one-way deal, to be welcomed in the form of exorbitant bank charges and slovenly service but never as an unpaid NOW SHOWING FREE PICK UP overdraft. '^ Continued Page 25 Page 8 Tins WOMEN'S WEAKLY -April 2?-May 1,1970 OUR BEAUTIFUL
AUSTRALIA
Seldom can arMt of land ba nid to aCnfKM|)lMrt. Jutt a faw mHai from dw middia of BrMMna is such an araa. How did diii atmoiphara ariia? It aroaa from tha tidal mudftati. It araia from stagnant watar In iha ctilvarts. It aroaa from a pila of Mvaral hundrad f iaroaly-bumini tyrat. tt aroaa from tha umaalad roadt which dit- appaarad undar hugi pooh of watv avary twanty THIS WEEK—BRISBANE yards or so and which forced cars to driva on tha grass footpath. It arosa from tha tubbidi and rusting hullcs of can dumpad on tfta mudflats. Who could hava carad IMS? Obviously not tha Brisbana City Council. Obviouily not tha Statt Govammant. Why not? If s only a small pert of ona aiactorata and a vary poor part at that, so why worry?
But than art soma who do cart. Thay small but wall-kapt homas facing bhuman straats '^.•-•mim in tha sama araa. And tha small of burning rubbar didn't affact tham bacausa tha wind WM blowing towards tha city and thay wara upwind. And resignation comas aasHy whan objection is futile. This is just another urban area sequestered from the reality of city life because of the poverty of the inhabitants. This ii not an aboriginal ghetto. It only represents the typical one. And who bothers to care ^bout them, either? SEARCH FOR JUNGLE BUM Half-way across the river we heard the dreadful sound of "That horrible man misled me," hissed Jane «ndictively as Continued from Page 6 snapping jaws right behind us. she pointed a scornful manicure at Dr Liverstone. "He told me he "I think my Jaguar has had it" groaned Tarzan. "The big end was a Sexagenarian - but he must be sixty years old if he's a day. has gone completely." All he ever wants to do is dig and sleep." 'Tarzan," I asked, "Just what docs 'Ungowa' mean?" "Fords are better for crossing rivers," I told him sagely. Then she heaved a deep thigh and wrapped herself around her The Ape Man scratched his head, sending great clouds of mate. dandruff Hoating down to settle on his scrawny shoulders like the "Thank goodness you came for me Tarly Dariy. laney missed snows on Kilimanjaro. her little Ape." "Well," he said thoughtfully, " 'Ungowa' is an expression used "Ungowa," crowed Tarzan as he carried her off into the night. throughout Darkest Africa by the proletariat. Its derivation is the Shortly afterwards we heard the Ape Man's exultant cry subject of some little dispute, but most linguists and philologists echoing through the mountains. are of the opinion that it originates from the Afrikaans word "He must have killed another lion," commented the unworldly "Aardverk." However, in my view Ihe most accurate interpretation Doctor. of the word "Ungowa" would simply be 'Not Gowa'. "Oh," 1 said. 1 then turned my attention to the good Doctor who stood Day after day we trekked through the steaming wilderness, surrounded by picks, shovels and holes. Right behind him was a pausing only when we came to a Zebra crossing. Within two weeks huge pile of glistening diamonds. I was an absolute trek, but just when I felt I couldn't trek another "Dr Liverstone, I presume." step, wc reached Ihe Steppes. He beamed. Sudden unearthly laughter made me reach uneasily for my "And you would be Stanley. You are indeed most welcome. elephant. I.... " "Don't worry," chuckled my companion, "It's only a Wine- He was interrupted by a dishevelled American who had ocerous." mysteriously materialised from behind a mango tree. "You mean Rhinocerous?" "Say, buddy, can you spare a diamond?" the stranger asked "Well, he was until he plonked himself in that vineyard over humbly from the back of a fat cigar, "I haven't eaten a bite in two there. Now the old Rhino is just an old Wine-o." hours." "Are they Wine-os too?" I asked, pointing to a herd of huge Dr Liverstone gave him a handful of glitteting stones and the black animals wallowing half-submerged in the muddy waters of stranger gratefully disappeared. the Congo River. "See, each one has a string of beads and a "Thank goodness for the Americans. Piles like mine can be flower." very embarrassing you know. This place would be completely "Ungowa. Pay no attention. They're just a lot of Hippies." TARZAN AND JANE REUNITED. cluttered with diamonds but for their unselfishness. So far I have "Well, they're a better looking bunch than the ones back NOTE TARZAN'S PHALLIC SYMBOL. found nothing else, but 1 am absolutely convinced that the home." discovery of a fabulous Ancient Inca Civilisation is undoubtedly We had to ford the great Congo River and I noticed a number imminent" of crocodiles giving gleeful grunts of saurian anticipation as they Two days later, on the slopes of Kilimanjaro, we found our "But Doctor, this is Africa, not South America." slithered surreptitiously into the slimy stream. quarry. Dr Liverstone and Jane were standing in front of it Dr Liverstone looked aghast, amazed, agonised, dumbfounded, Tarzan saw them too and trembled violently. "Hi Jane! cried Tarzan excitedly, "What's Gnu?" distracted, disturbed, perplexed, puzzled, perhirbed, confused, "Ungowa," he whimpered, "Can I come up on your elephant? "Oh, it's you. You certainly took an Elephant time to get stupified, vexed, bewildered and not a' little put out by my statement I'm terrified of those nasty things - besides, I can't swim." here." "Oh, go on," 1 derided, "I've seen you outswim crocodiles I just stood in wordless wonder. I had seen many beautiful "Are you sure?" hundreds of limes." giris in Africa but Jane, swaying gently in the soft summer breeze, "Quite sure." "No, that was my stand-in," he confided as he tied his Jaguar was way out in front Had she been dressed, I'd have sworn she was "Good grief... aren't 1 a peanut?" to the elephant's tail and climbed up beside me. "1 can't even do wearing Cheetahs. Next moming, Dr Liverstone had recovered sufficiently from the lion-paddle." Jane sidled up to me and 1 sidled up to her until we were his slight error for me to load him onto my elephant for the long "Mush" I commanded when my passenger was safely aboard, sidle by sidle. trip home. After an affectionate pat on the rump (the elephant's) and the faithful elephant gingerly tippy-toed into the muddy "Pucker Sahib," she whispered hoarsely, but Tarzan intervened. I bravely watched as the rotund figure (Dr Livcrstone's) disap shallows. Crocodiles surged towards us from all directions. "Hey, none of that!" he shouted roughly, "I've had enough peared into the depths of the Congo. "Whatever you do, don't smile at them," warned the Ape Man. nonsense from you already. Why did you run off like you did?" Me? 1 went west and finally settled down. ^
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Page 10 THE WOMEN'S WEAKLY—April 27—May 1,1970 Li ..•ODUd sti„ •qSiq Au UCD qaiqM ni'.-! -Ipuno[) sqx •30U3}siX3 ui }S333iq sqi •||n3B3S pspunoM v. SE pssinSsip soBds 91 3uotuE sq oi piBs 'sj3iq3J35jUBq pspjBD JIB XUI3U3 SJ3)U3 IJBJDJIE 3qj pUB •DUBidjre sim inoqc jtjSu si sqi JO }red Xjuo aq^ si -jsoa aqx -sip ,siO[ipunoo Xijo suBqsijg uiojj XipidBJ SuiddBij jjBjs sSuiM 3qx 'XuediuoD Aui puc jjasAui jo uoiuido •siqissod SB qsnui 3pKtu 3JE ssjnqDEiEd jSjoiid 3qx a\ll ui 'ipiq/A 8uiqi3Uiios inoqc piJOM SB dn jsoD aqi dasij oi pauSisap si •Xp\ SI 3ip ipi puE 's^DBnc asoqj o} Ajdoj r. 3JmB3j siqx 'liinqsj sq oj XBMB psjnEq 'PUtqB3 pUEJ]S 3UO X|UO IpUn 3pB|q JOZBJ B JO 3>|EUI 0} 3UI 40J DUip SI }I >]Uiqj I„ si puE iJBdG s||Ej uaqi JJEJDiiB 3qx |IE)^303 XS03 '3DIU E SI SJSqj pUBd SUB3UI Xq p3SB3pj 3JB spuBq jsqqn^ lusiunjisui |Euuou 3qj jo pBsjsui •pies 311 ,,'1J [..J oqj UI •u; spoq aisqi SuiSSip Xq ji ijcq Xi|Bn •uopaunj 0} JJEIS SSUIAV 8UIA\S sijnEj p3|[CD-os snouBA oj uopuaiie -pBj3 puE ji qiiM unj s^ojid sqi 'ABAV •3uo>spuB8 uopipH "1 P^AJnsa snojnqEj sjn-j aqi 'aujoqjiB aauQ 3ui||CD Xfl saApsiuDqi joj j^jpiiqnd •uni 3ip ojuo sspps in-ji 3qi sv Xi[njpnE3q 'jBipuns B SI XH'dl 'HI "o •jj03ijE) 3q} ;oj jsnjqi 3UI5JI!UI U33q 3ABq 'Bi|Bajsnv UI puB •aScijsnj pjBoqpJEO 3q) ui S3joq lUdUldinbs JO 333ld )S3IAB3q 3qx sqj 8uiiB3JD 'puiAV 5|B3jq O] luaqi BDuatuv UI ipoq '3ido3d AUEJ^,, qSnoiqj sSs] sjq s^niij puE aujniu c oj •SuijqSij JOJ iJB3q s3snE3 3^03 sqj 'IE3A\S B dn 5fjoA\ IJE saso] puE uids siqEHOi^uoDu-n UB Xsqi sy 'Aisnoijnj jBpad puB 'Bio^ •JJBJOJIB IB|SJ3A04JU03 9ui5{B3jq pu!A\ siq S3pnp3j usq; lojul qoEg -sSui-w SUISUIMS sqi uuij pioq oj ojui s3oS il Xq jiq si j3A3oqA\ 'jBOiqi -EDO^ JO SUOIJES ijuup sjojid qjog aq; qjiAV jqSu si juqAv sn pjo; lidifDOD 3qi JB3U SuiM q3B3 uo sSunj 3qi uMop iqSiEJis pajij si ij •3D!nf •ppsd p3J3A\od-)3r 'IU-J ^MJ JO swpijnq 'SDIUJCUXQ pucq sqEiS lojid juoJj aqj usqx OJBIU05 HJiM psSiEqo J33q B SI siqx XjBuoijn[OA3J 3qi si suiSus sqx |CJ3U99 JO juapissjj 9ij:j 'O>JDBHJ^\ •pjEoqisAO u.wojqj sspduis •311SS1UJ ..aXapa-a,, •spuBq Jaqqnj uoinjui q^iM MaiAja^ui dAisnpxs UK UJ pUB dn p35|OOI SI ?3UiqE3 IiejljDOD pauSjssp-UBiiBJisnv UE SI ni"i ^qj 33iqj Xq i3qi39oi ppq 'pjEoqpjEa puB 3qi jUBiJodiu; isotu pue isjij "Piiis pJEoqB uodB3A\ injwMod isotu 3qx up JO ijmq SI iil-J anbiun sqx AJ3A 3JB suoipnijsui ,s}o]id aqx •IBqj 3)BJl3U3d 0} 3iqE •DA3IS E 3^[i| ijinq SI t; 3snE33q UIBJIS •icaS SuipuEi U33q J9A3 SBq 3U0-0U pUE - U33J3S JO io| E puEjs UED jjEJDJiE sq} ^ng jdooos 3n'J3do-oi-AsB3 SEq III-J 3MX -3>louis E pspiAOjd SEq lUSmUWAOQ 3qi •spjEA\5j3Bq ^jBJDJic 3qj JJO qiuip oj 8ui 'Ill-J 'Ml SJt3EJJB XUI3U3 UB JJ •3JB X3qj piBdjapun Asoq -XJJ )u3iuuJ3AOf) 3q^ JO 3JnSS3jd sqj moqe 3uiXi3 qonm os op Xaqi asnEosq •SuBq B jspun Sui:{B3jq sdsa?] puEq 3qx 3Z1S B qans jo sj3UpJ3>jUEq p33U sjo| qii-w jjo S3o3 sXBMp oqM 'Xpuig Xq papiAOjd 3JB sqiuoq sjifj 'MX •S3[>|s ut!i[RJ}snv JO ;no 3uiddojp aq o) uoos 'I I [-J ^Ml JO A\a!A3Jd dooos B III sii[j pajaAOOsip o)ioBi[y\\ }3p3dns sq) p|oi{ qaiqM spueq jaqqiu uoiniiu •aSB[9snj am oj JIBJ aqj 39iq) aqi ||e uMoqs jou 3ABq 3M aiduijs IUBJS spioij HDU[M puuq jaqqnj aqj qjjM -Sip aq) daa^i o| jopjo m 'sifjoM XXT-J ^Ml **oq saji 'ni-i ^HJ 'JJ'''-'^-'!'^ •'^^"s saoqs SuiMBJp AvA^B-lm SAisnpxa ^o • s,E[iBj}snv qjiM jjncj uiBiii aqx nm M3N
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SUPPLEMENT TO COMMEM SEMPER, APRIL 1970 CREDITS
Editor: Mcfe Booth Assitants: Alan Fowler TerryRput ^Ijatko! 1970 Jqhn Chapman yjttO UL ja*vi I Ij. 4 ''•t'/^ w (Stnulne •TO STEAL FROM ONE AUTHOR IS PLAGIARISM: TO STEAL FROM MANY IS RESEARCH." With this research scientists' proverb in mind, here arc our UttSteritp RESEARCH Sources Cbttion The Australian: 15, 23; Chance: 20; Commem Semper '68: 13; The Double Bed Book (Hallmark): 3, 5, 18, 21, 23, 24, 25, 27;Gary Ord, 4QG: 23;/([fn^jr'Crosj Whisper: 6-7, 11, 12, 16-18, 20-23, 24; National Pharmacy Students' Magazine: 4-5; Paul Simon: 14; Playboy: 11;Playgirl: 4; RACQ,: 15; Traditional: 25-29; 30-31. There arc also small quantities of original work. Authorised by John Chapman (Proprietor), and Published by 3n5ftructionfl( for Wi^t: Alan Fowler, both of the University of Queensland Union, St. Lucia, 4067. Printed by Mirror New^spapcrs. 1. Remove from rest of magazine. 2. Fold down continuous lines. 3. Fold down broken lines. QUOTE OF THE YEAR: 4. Cut along continuous lines. Mr. Fletcher, Queensland Minister for Education, on ABQ2's 5. Open. "Today Tonight" was asked about the Government's plans 6. Read, for the Mount Gravatt University, and replied: 7. Throw away in disgust. "Nobody knows what our plans are." 8. Write strongly-vyorded letter of protest to Sunday Truth to And ain't that the tnitli? boost next year's sales. 32 9. Do not take seriously any advertisements In this section. >"9Z 9N09HiOOOM 01 iqoAui^ej^ jeosQ 81 SI \ ^aujui JO puB| lujnquns siqi , •/;;; ai/? paptvi ^snls^Kpoqauios •p3]io ipm KjMf St Auituvs 'P{Siu lenba 0} puij aq ||eqs leq/^ - 33ijod .?v; Jtof auoijd, 'Kuiutvs ;»!/; 31V] 311101] s)3S 3y U3tim os 'auiu siauEjd aqi apeAUj siivs /jvap Kut '}ou s^ji //, •3431]; '3jn;u3ApB aoBds ui UB|/\/ q6noqi SKDS .iijs 3U0 ainu » '^•'^V ^"'^ ^Wll " -'^^"^ -(s>i3e|q pue suMOjq 'SMO||3A BABS) ,inoA jvijj SI '3(10] Aw 'Xwiiuoj, ji mot/ mauij noj{ •ssiojqsjoj puv ino s3o3 31] 'op 31] s3op ]ot]m os lenba aje ||e usjpjiqo s^qiJeg •3fm siif dn sajjom sii/j 's>|3eue s^J63-j uiOJj ajBS 'ajaqM •Swiuout 31/; Jtof 3sud •.nsiji m 'VJUi" '•'•'•''V UI 'Wn » AJiunoo OjjBjoouiap v -Alls V SD mojiid s^oftm spi uapitn :s3oS 7} mot] mou}] no^{ -dotjs 3tiJ ui tivp pooS V put] pv\] KUIUIDS 'apiM puB qGiq uojinjiOtj )t sifjn) puv /;/; ai// uiouf nou 6uunod AiqBUjuiJa^ui ADIJOp U3I 0 S3}jV] 31f JVlf) jpoi Og 'apud s^jijojd 's^uoipnpojd 'sAauuiiqo aAissEiu jsq aAO] | 'BpHT IS 'nDn'SuisipuBipjiawsauof-iiassny ajUA\'an§o|B}BO [sjijd puB pooj Addnd 'IUJB^J joj sijjad A\oiio,< puB saiSoq paj 3|qK;c|jui 'HTVS >IOd Buj||0}xa 'suGjS uoau JJB^ jS||jq 3JU33S J3^0 qojBOi iBqx suojAd AjBjjiiui aABjg „-3UI!] 3qi JE •pjEAuoj sdsjs ^
Lousy bastard: Person who sits Professor: An ill wind and still and scratches himself while his blowing. ANGRY EDITORIAL! mother and father are being Porthole: A hole in the left side It can hardly have escaped the notice of even the most dim-witted married. of a ship - or is it the right Lubritorium: Aboriginal Harem. readers of this dubious magazine that this is not quite the usual format side? Lysistrata: Heroine of the first Pyjamas: Garments newly-weds of "Whacko!" In fact, as stated on the cover, this is a genuine austerity Pubic war. edition. hang by the bed in case of fire. Middlesex: Curious affliction nec Raisin: A worried grape. Now, lovers of "Whacko!" (assuming that such people exist) may just essitating the address "Dear Refugee: Man whoblov?s the whis possibly wonder why this is so. The answer is quite simple. Sir or Madam". tle at a football match. Last year, "Commem Semper" and "Wbackol" made a profit (for Money: Like the Senate, is heard Rhubarb: Bloodshot celery. Apply charity) of only $50 or so. This was because "Commem Semper" of, but not seen. Dramsoc. decided to go all serious and Intellectual. To anyone having the slightest Moron: Something which in the Senate: A Body, not quite dead, knowledge of the reading tastes of the great Queensland Public, it will wintertime girls would not have constituted in the days before be obvious that this was not a good idea. In fact, it was such a bad so many colds if they put. the needs of the IJni were Mini: Like the Honda Scamp: not idea that "Commem Semper" lost over $600. understood, but which the au much there but it screams for "Whacko!" 69, on the other hand, was the best-received edition for thorities have forgotten to dis attention. band. years, and made a profit of over $650. Monotony: Practice of having only Sequence: Things that fall off Now, the powers-that-be in the University of Queensland Union, seeing one wife. dresses. that their charities had received only $50 from sales of Commem Moses: Natural son of Pharaoh's Squalor: One who squals. publications, decided that some action would have to be taken to daughter and a bullrush. Stalk: What brought the little ensure that 1970 produced record profits. Myth: Female moth. rosebud into the world. N.B.: No Beer. One might think that the best way to do this would be to make sure Standing Committee: A body that No: Female expression which, keeps minutes but wastes hours. that, in 1970. both "Commem Semper" and "Whacko!" were of good translated, means "Don't do quality, so as to ensure high sales of both magazines, thus making Swot: Applies to undergrads and that, 1 like it." flies. The results are similar. two profits from each victim. Notes: Things acquired at lect Tired bride: Can't stay awake for However, the logic of this escaped the Union heavies. Instead they ures. They differ from bank a second. felt that one publication should be produced and sold, thus ensuring notes in that bank notes are To get one's own back: Spit a lower profit margin, because only one copy could be sold to each of value. up-wind, mate! victim. Nudist Colony: Place where men Turkey: What separates the Sikhs and women air their differ from the Croats. Then came the question of which publication should go - "Commem ences. Semper" or "Whackol" Because "Whacko!" was the older-established Vac: The reason for the Varsity. Oboe: An ill wind no-one blows Varsity: The excuse for the Vac. magazine, and because it was highly successful in 1969, it was quite good. V.D.:Vapour Density. obvious to the Treasury of the University of Queensland Union that Ovation: Propagation of the Venus: A good ship. "Whacko!" would have to go. species by egg-laying. Viper: Tail of Abdul's shirt. And this highly logical train of thought explains^ why "Whackol" Overhead: Reason the Romans Vicc-Chancellor: Man who disc ushers in a new decade under the protective wing of "Commem gave up their holidays — the overs rampaging revolutionary Semper". Lions ate up all the Prophets. minorities and gives them free Peeress: Female peeping Tom. "WHACKO!" LOVERS UNITE! SWAMP THE UNIVERSITY UNION publicity. Physic: A purgative medicine. WITH DEMANDS THAT, IN 1971, THEY RE-INSTATE "WHACKO!" Wake: What your friends attend Physics: Similar results, although if you're careless in your boat. AS A SEPARATE AND AUTONOMOUS MAGAZINE!! plural. Wench: Loosens many a tight nut. Write to "Whacko!" Fan Club, University of Queensland Union, St. Lucia, Posts: Ingenious device for making Zel: Recently discovered element 4067; or phone 711611 and ask for John Chapman; and DEMAND long vac. seem short. of doubtful stability. that "Whacko!" be allowed back on the streets next year. ^|,• uoiujs inBfj 'S|a3j auj6u3 jnoA Moq japuoM | jaqujnu Aui s^iBq/v\ "" WVPV peoj 3qi uflAop jooog eq Bq eq Bq luoojg • OOIBN aufSua jnoA Oi (A3N0IAI HilM) •oia 'JSAUQ AqBg 3UJ ||B3 Asqx aAJds lou pjp I aN3s >? i/yaoj 3Hi ino nid 3Ajas 01 aouBqo aqi loB J3A3U | mg unB B paujBO | BunoA SBM | uaq/v\ BAjasaj jEABN aqi "! S^BOIUJBUJ A|/\) niviAi Aa UBUJBOJJ lUSUlUJOJd B SBM AppBp A[/\| a3Nivi80 3a AviAi ina 'S|a3j aujBua JnoA Moq japuoM j 'QlO Nl a3NNVa SI ySdSIHM jaqujnu Aiu s^ieq^ peoJ aqi u/v\op 10005 Bq Bq Bq Bg •<.a3dsiHM ssoyo Sjaaj duiBua jnoA Moq j3puo/v\ | ijaqujnu Am s^iBq/(/\ S9NI>l„ lAlOyj NOISSIIAIHSd auoB ujj puB pBOJ aqi iJH s|a^^A^ jo JjBd e uodn 3DUO puv Aa a3iNldd3d SI ..IO>IOVHM„ jSAUQ AqBg 3UJ HBD Aaqx SJBd ALU U| SlHi Nl nViy3iVIAi 3Hi dO sjea Am uj Butujoo sjsnui qi!/v\ ujouj AajB >tJBp 3U0 ujoq SBM | puv J38U!BU3 Ue S6A\ BUILUBLU A|/\| H^n^M UBuisseq AIIUJBJ aqi SBAft Appsp A|AI J3AU(] Aqeg §e tlrabitional Revised ^{latko (Slos^Siarp Adultery: Triangle consisting of one bed and two fools. Fashion; What a her does lo a Ahead: Nautical term for 'ajohn'. hem to get at him. Agriculture; Faculty devoted to Fugue: What you get in a room the sowing of oats — wild and full of people if you close all the doors and windows. otherwise. Ark: The 'erald Angels sing. Gallup Poll: Yearly survey to det B.A.: Before .Adam. ermine the winner of the Mel Put your money where your country's going. . Bachelor: No children to speak of. bourne Cup. Ball: Necessary for social success. Gentleman: Wolf with patience. Barmaid: Keeps the mugs full. Government: Of the people, by B.E.: Before Eve. the Executive, and for the B.Sc: Brisbane and South Coast. Party. Bullock: Cut out to be a bachelor. Grass widow; Wife of a dead Overseas. Bunk; Phony sea story. vegitarian. Burst: Past participle of bust. Hieroglyphics: Course of black Censor: One who knows more board training for lecturers. than he thinks other people Hollywood: Where they put beaut iful frames in pictures. should. Hormone: A harlot's crying. Conservative Party: Pressure group Husband; Necessity of convention. of British jam manufacturers. Indisposition: HERE! Cursive: Foul-mouthed. Je t'adorc: Shut it yourself. Comet: Star with a tail, e.g., USTRAUA Jury; A body of men to decide Mickey Mouse. who has the better barrister. Co-ed: Concise Oxford English Kiss & Make Up: She gets the Dictionary. kiss; he gets the make-up. Coming-out Dress: Very low in IRPEK front. Law: What students take up and Dance: Communal sexcrcise. Professors lay down. OWNED Dentistry: Hand-to-mouth existen Ladies: Word sometimes used to ce. indicate 'No Entry'. Doctor: This term has nothing to Lcchcrer: OK, so you pronounce do with medicos, who use it by it Lecturer. courtesy. Lecture: That which passes from Eddy: Nelson's last name. the Professor's notebook to the Eve: Side issue. student's notebook, without JOKE: STANDARD ENGLISH 'Darling, is that you?' she asked, stirring in her sleep. Examiner: What every young man passing through the minds of Husband, a little the worse for should do. either. wear after a night out with the The husband pondered the Ex-Officio: Unemployed. Lecturer: Paid to talk in someone boys, climbed into hed and imm question. 30 Family tree: Very often shady. else's sleep. ediately began making amorous 'If it's not,' he replied, 'I'll advances to his wife. kill the bounder!' Zi „i';aior infyjwf Aw ayvui,, 'pivs 3t]s ,, 'mo/v„ •p31uvAS svm ijsm J31I puv puvm siff fo anvm j3i])ouy •p3J3pjo 3i]s ,, ']ui3 SiinoK. snonjdnjon aio puv ]nf}]no3q v ojut 3Ui 3i]Vtu ii3i]x„ ,, 'lUDm noi(,Suitjji(,iiy„ •J3i] p3xnssv LtivJ poo3 si/; „ '^'a^,, „iS3t]stcn oxoiu omj JsSi„ :p3i]sv 3ijs dn 3uip]3tj 33vf j3f{ -pjoS 3Jtnd Jo 3}id V dojv /]3SJ3t] punoj jsjsutds 3ijj puv 91U0S puttcn s^kjitvf pooS 31]^ fo snvm y i^ii'O' aiisyows ,/p]oSJo 3]ld V ojut jtivtjj Sutyjoj sit]) uun) no^ 33s sj3] 'S3t]si(njuvd3 UD3 nofi fj^^ 'lijSumstjsqstp pWS KpV] pjO 3]n}l 31]} „ 'MO o3 'tjo,. •S3i]Sm 33AI]} U3lj p3J3ff0 pUV psivsddv lifusppns Auivf pooS v mijcn 9J9l| )33f Jt3l] JD JV3U10] U3lj l/J/fH IjVpUVJSa U3tj UO Suiyoou svm Kpvj pjo a/jj// ai/J, 33eds 111^0} jauaq •J0}pi[0S B Suiaq jo pasnDOB SBM 6ujq;Aue sj3uq inoqijM JSisiJjBq aivwgj V dO ,,•}! uisj^noX,, 'pajidsj 3iqqB3 3[Em3j sqi ,/J31S!j^,, -pres 3q „'UAVOI UI pqiojq ls3dE3i|3 3q) o} 3ui s^iBx,, 'ssuadxa INVM J3q IE unj JO iiq e 3AEI| 01 psppsp 'UEUIOAi B SBM J3AUp 3qi 3ui335 pUB <3UBqsug qmos ut qc3 B psimq s^oig dOd SCIENTIFIC SECTION, Part 1. 1961 Union Buildings opened. Union on view — fresherettes reign supreme. Scoop develops middle age spread. 1962 Record numbers at the Shop. Standing room only. Parking fines conferred at Degree Ceremony. Old style Commem. Pracs. resurrected. Licensing Squad caught loitering around Union Building. Scoop in Senility. 1963 Whacko banned. Wild procession and riots in Queen St. Odd pedestrian murdered - record number of students in clink. Truth bricked up. 1964 No riots (except at Hawken Drive) - slosh ball instead. Story Bridge "Made in Japan." I.D. cards uproar - students framed. 1965 Quiet year. Editor asleep. Scoop finally dies, after long illness. 1966 U.S. President discovers Australia. Union discovers Gardiner. Vietnam protests fashionable. '^tljyt^lpitatd 1967 Year of the Long March. Gardiner arrested. Triumphantly acquitted. Union goes Alf and decides to build theatre. 1968 Glean Whacko! Sales plummet. Commem. re-enters Queen Street. Students triumphant. Procession abysmal. No pranks. Still deciding to build theatre. 1969 Nudes back in Whacko! Sales soar. Tiny Tim for V-C Campaign aborts. Intellectual Commem. Semper. Sales plummet. Theatre gets off ground. Culture triumphant. Many methods may be found in chemical literature for 1970 Zelman takes over. making chemicals such as Tetraethyl Lead, Ethyl Sulphate Whackol goes underground. Theatre almost ready. Financial nightmares triumphant. and Ethyl Palpitate. This is one chemical that is quite common Culture goes underground. but nevertheless methods of preparing it have not been widely described, and even experienced operators have difficulty in home, so he decides he'd best get making it. We arc referring to ways of making Ethyl Palpi JOKE: AUSTRALIAN back to the wife; tate. Joe was a good bloke, see, an' So he gets home and climbs one day after work he an' a few inter bed, and he's all set to go One process is particularly effective and a description er his mates go down the pub and ter sleep, when he suddenly wakes thereof will be given, but the operator should first observe have a-couple of quick ones. One up to there's another bloke in the thing led to another, and Joe ends bloody bed - with his bloody the preliminaries set out below. To begin with, the time and up at one of his mate's houses, wife! place for making Ethyl Palpitate should be wisely selected. passed out on the bloody floor. 'Hey mate,' he says. 'She's my Evenings are the best times, because sunlight inhibits the Anyway, after a while he comes wife an* I have to, but what's reaction. Weekend evenings are best for two reasons. One is round and finds they've all gone your excuse?' that the operator may have to stand by his task until the early 29 IZ /puBqsn, jnoX si 517 'sqoj 'd33|S Zi -pjEM 3Z UI S3|qUI3Jl iJ3qo, 'SSUO papu313jd OqM 'SJIM 3Z SpjBM -qdjv p3!id3J .'sipad BUI 'UO(^, •01 lU3UI35n3JnOlUB S3J1 p3AEq3q 'p3AJ3SqO pUB psq Sm P3J31U3 — ^33J33nbs 3q ppioD 3JJM 32 JO i3\o\ Sujiq 'XES noX MO, — 3J11II E puB { * *' oBostaui -UI3J1 32 U[3J3qA\ 'SqOjpjEM 3Z OIUI 'pjEi sn|d 'mi z3qD psAUJc ssuo jno uioj| 490JI3P ^qBiui jj piojjo ui,| 4nq 'uoitUdMO P35|00| pUE p3q Sqi p3J3}U3-S;p -qdiv '3|qEpiuiJ0j uoiiBuiquioa siz |96 p|noM 41 ajns luj puo 'oaiuoyv 'ospi eujSuiMS P S,|),, '3A1SU3d S3J1 3UIB33q 3SU0qd|Y JO 3]|3jn)EU 33U3nb3SU03 3Z sy ,esnoA 3nb-33-is3 'uaqQ, 'jnouiB,! 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A discreet silence main morning hours; the other is that palpitated Ethyl sometimes tained by all concerned; in the words of a contemporary historian: needs as long as a weekend to settle. Since there must be no "The way of the pioneer and social reformer is the road to martyrdom, and the gentlemen concerned do not desire to foreign influences such as light sources, other operators, or exchange a remunerative profession for that of cracking stones in agitation, a secluded place should be chosen. H.M. Prisons." The working material is usually the most important part, 1948 "Whacko" is back. Old Bull's Column discovered. although experienced operators can handle almost anything. 1949 Committee formed to investigate possibility of moving portion It has been said of chemicals in general that no reaction of University into bark huts west of Thargomindah. occurs between chemicals that are absolutely pure. In making Commem. Prac. mistaken for a prayer meeting. Suggestions that "Whacko" be renamed "Digests of Digests of Ethyl Palpitate, this fact is extremely important because pure Digests of Digests." Ethyl will not react. In fact, the more impure, the better the 1950 Freshers again disorientated. reaction. Commem. pracs. dull. Commem. not so dull — fowls and crackers fly in City Hall; radio After these precautions have been taken, the most common stations invaded (we go "on the air"). procedure is to dissolve Ethyl in alcohol, 90 proof, with 1951 Undergrads and ceremony debarred mutual enlightenment. pressure and agitation. To hasten the temperature rise, many No gripping incidents in Popsies' football match. N.U.A.U.S. arranges Commonwealth Scholarships. operators resort to jungle voodooism by whispering magic 1952 University gone to the dogs; Crippling Censorship of Procession; phrases and weird nothings. So mysterious is the character of Clashes with Constabulary; Temporary ban on Sunday Sport. Ethyl that it often responds to such incantations in the most 1953 Hampson and Conaty produce Whack-0. Government institutes Literature Board. Footsteps up the Tower. encouraging manner. 1954 No Whacko! Government reigns supreme. One of the most usual faults is to try to make Ethyl 1955 Aunt Gert discovers Scotts Emulsion. Ann Miller impersonated. Palpitate too quickly. Too much heat without allowing time Jolly Roger on City Hall. Greasers reign supreme. 1956 John Oxiey and Co. find water in Bar near City Hall. for a general warming may result in disastrous internal forces, Union going to St. Lucia. which head the reaction in unpredictable directions. Others 1957 University Act Amendment Bill - to interfere with lecturers. have made Ethyl Exclamate, or Ethyl Detonate, or Ethyl Students protest forcibly - Vince vanquished. Vacate, or Ethyl Refrigerate, or even Ethyl Assassinate. Union reigns supreme. Union still going to St. Lucia. On the other hand, if the operator is too gentle he only 1958 Heavily guarded U.S. Destroyer repainted by peace-loving Med. I. makes Ethyl Oscillate, or he may simply end up with the U.S.S.R. blamed, guard court-martialled, Mcds. triumphant. unadulterated Ethyl with which he started. Union arrives at St. Lucia. Building to follow. Scoop Revue Company born in fravail. 1959 H.R.H. Princess Alexandra, LL.D (Q), U.Q.U. lays foundation stone in front of Union Building (out of Government by Murray JOKE: OLDE ENGLISSHE fuftily hifgood wife. Committee). 'Beloved, be that thee thyself?' Ye Hufbande, fuffering forely Queensland pretends to leave national union. quoth flic. Scoop II emerges. from ye vapourf of ye ftrong ale confumed in ye companie of div- Ye Hufbande pondered this 1960 Rumour that students will be admitted to new Union Building. long time and deep. Union President Nikita Q. Clark does chameleon act again, and erfe merrie companionf, clamb 'If it be not,'replied he, 'Verily Queensland pretends to rejoin N.U.A.U.S. ered tardily into ye marital couch tvill I kill the knave!' President disowned by Council. and fraightway did begin to woo 28 Scoop has a third generation. ^, -Suiujotu styj }svfyv3uq dpoojq ou }o3 j „isnoii!iSJ3dns„ 00 u Ai/m y,;Di/; puv 'u3t]}om litu y}m psq m •psinod sqs „*J3«BUI aqi s.mqM,, •?fo/ ;po„ SI jtspAVOq ntv}siyvj 3t]} 'ssttu ']P/ti„ ..i^wq ^juDpuoq iuo}styDj 31]} St suaym JO ino i.-)3 puE UO ssqioja jnoA inj„ •p3 inoj^ -ivss xnof. o} ujn}3A uvo noK puv .UJiB|3X3 3q „ip.iOT PO09 ;u33}J!qx„ noli saiSiof ]]im / K]}33JJ03 ;I uamsuv •p3t|d3J 3qs „'u33iJ!qx„ uvo no/i fi 'lippsuj} 'poo3 lOa/j,, •SBAv 3qs pio •dn puvy siy }nd o} 3110 Kjito Moq AifBnSES jaq pa^lsB uBuuadBdsAvau 31]) svm lippsjj -svm usp^oq tuvjstyvj aqi fpsq oiu; io3 3i|s 3joj3ji -ssajpun 31]} 3J3t]m J3y }}3} p}no3 Liij) ft it3up]ty3 01 uESsq aqs psqsiuij jjEq SBM apjoq 31]} paysn xoy3V3} ot]} puv AydvAS aqi 3Jojaq leqi 'pEj ui 'os qanui os - -03Q svm Kvp 31]} iOj U0SS3] JSJlf 31/./, 3|qE33jSB SEA\ 3qs 'uiooj Siq ui 1; qsiuij _, •33vn3ttv] puE apioq E Anq Aaqi iBqi pasodojd pvq yyns 3uisn uof Kvp j]v uioojtssvjo oy) 3q 's^iuup JO J3quinu E J31JE 'puB lEqs 01 Jo J31U03 31/) tn pUOJS plID Of),, 'x3tpva} UBSaq A3qx '^V\ 3P!S3q uMop IES 3puoiq 31]} ptVS „'3]qiMi3} SI }Vl]J, i(ipp3l.J„ 3unoA ApAOi B u3qM oadS ^M^ "! *^'" '1S31U03 SS31SOH JJV IBU0I1EUJ31UI 3ql ^, •}SvJ}jV3jq JOJ }SE03 PIOQ 3qi UO 'UEUIJsdBdSMSU V Kpoo]q ou 'Suiiuoiu sii]} isvfyvsuq lipoo]q ou pvy j„ 'Sminoys Suuuom auo „ 'op OJ }vycn. uxiy mays o; pvy j -ussq 3avy }snm 3//,, IU00USSVJ3 31]} 0}Ut p3WU0}S KppSiJ 3]}}t'J •)UV33i3S 31/; p3i]SV ,^ i3]p3qmt itv svm 31/ mouy no/i op moji^ ,,£UMEd JO ^301§ ^^•3]i33qiui uv Kq p3dvu U33q )snf 3nj„ uis 'S3;^„ :JB3P puB pnoi mooi aqi o}ui 3j3Bq paiEoy 33!0A S,AJB13J33S 341 •U0t}V}S dotjod V 0}Ut 3U1UU7U ']Ul3 J33jn3 Ifiun psssajdmi Ajnp SBA\ JO}ISIA aqx /i]3dvt]S 31]) p3}UVd „'3m d]3y 3SV3JJ,, ..iJ35IOJq ,,jAiuiEiJ33 Apoo]q B s,3qs,, 'UEUI ,^pop '4q6jU04 UIDBD loo sqi 6u;MOJjoq ^o 33uoq3 ^uy„ Aui 133 'ssuof ssjM,, :AJBP433S siq 01 p3^jBq puE q3iiMS UI03J31UI siq uo pad 3MJ pres'„iinjiqnop 'UB3UI BA.PPEAV,, -diu 3Atin33X3 p3J.->Mod-q8!q B 'ss3jduii ,,-siuooj pioq 3qi ui U3UI0A\ 01 p3I|SIAV 3q IU3JP E JO 33U3S3jd 3qi U] jnjiqnop AVOJIE I,UE3 3AV jnq,, 'JSSEUBUI ,, •spjiv)svq 3}iym 31/; y}im }j3m oo) 3qi piES „'S3Uof Ji\j 'XJJOS UI,I„ uo }33"}, upip }„ 'yoof p3snm „ '//3^i„ •uijij p3ddois pUE 33IJJO siq JO mo ^^f,}nJj.-)puom i^usvm )vy} Sitiyiiiuv 3.^31/;UB J JSSEUEUI 3qi u3qA\ uiooj Sjq 01 SJIBIS sqi dn 3uip3330jd SEAV puE MOi ui Bp3qs 7, "^»/ll„ •Jt3U3}Sl] 3110 piVS „/H0 pP}],, B qijAv qnd sq? 01 paujnpj 3q iqSiupiui .. •pijispuom punojy -UMOi 3qi op 01 ino IU3M usqi som. }i 's.7^ 3m i/;im )y3iu ay} pusds puE pioq Alp E oiui p3>|ooq UBUI y 0} U3}ij3nvp Sui}joo]-}S3q sty }U3S iijivmj puv '3111113113 IP SouS p3}not]s '3tuoy 3tu yoo} oym 'syojq jnjuspuom v }3m /„ V Supq J3y}ouq Aw )noqv saouvij Kiu •00) '3]pmi}3 ]nj ]j3) pjnoys [ yttty} noA op 'uoos p3tuuvui -J3pU041„ -pWS sy „ '33V}d]nJj3puo/^,, 8ut}}33 Jo Suiyuiy) mj sy -usy Luvm •s3}vm sty 0) s3snj3J ]]i}s pvp puv 'su3pjvoq ay) Jo i^^iXil^ 0} vtjvj}sny ut S3un}U3apv siy Sut)vi3u 3U0 0} Kvm KjltUVj31]} ut si UinUt 'S}33Jt}S svm 3moy }tsia v uo uvms}0os 3iji 31]) uo \]}}s SI 23)sts Ajv 'japunm puv sdvx Pigeons remain in City Hall for a week. Potato on Professor's exhaust pipe. This, with other things, and 'Dean^ ^ottu, 1940 WAR, led to students being banned from Commem. Degrees thrown about behind locked doors. Students demon The column in'which our regular bleeding strate. Keyholes stuffed. No batons used. heart, Dotty Duck, gives useless advice to Going to St. Lucia in 1945. the love lorn, love sick, and other hopeless 1941 Commem. still secret. Students demonstrated again. Mrs. Black exhausted by the war effort. First University Act Amendment nitwits who can't run their own lives without Bill. Government majority on Senate. someone telling them how. Students protest gently. 1942 Black-out. Almost certainly due to acute alcoholism. First woman in Engineering. Dear Dotty, Dear Dotty, Trenches dug. Professor mistakes air raid alarm for practice What am I to do? All the girls in 1 have been going out with a boy warning. my office laugh and pojnt at me for six months and last night he asked No burlesque. becau.se 1 have a 54-inch bust. — G.C. mc to go to bed with him. 1 refused 1943 St. Lucia abandoned for the duration. Railway Institute honoured. Dear G.C, him point blank! Do you think I have Burlesque back again. done the wrong thing? —Jane. Take no notice of them. Mind you, St. Lucia one of Blarney's Houses. The Brisbane Line success I must say it (s rather unusual in a fully employed throughout South-Pacific Theatre. boy your age. 1944 Burlesque finally dies. Dear Jane, 1945 We return to Commem. Dear Dotty, No. You've done the right thing by Freshers' welcome biggest ever. 1 am married to a musician and refusing to do the wrong thing. When 1946 Few Freshers survive welcome. I'm getting worried about the hours he said, "What about doing the right Swoose discovers Benzedrine. he's keeping and the various excuses thing?" he really menat "What about 1947 Freshers orientated. We are getting more and more graduates, by he gives me. Last night he said he was doing the wrong thing?". Had you done degrees. Victoria Bridge closed to motor traffic by public-spirited up at the National fingering a very the right thing by him it would have Engineering gentlemen, after claim that Bridge was unsafe. Aid of unusual piece, and the night before that been the wrong thing by you which he said he was held up working on a isn't right although he thinks it isn't JOKE: PROFESSORIAL difficult passage. On Saturday 1 think %vTong. Let him go out and find a mind still in control of the sub he said he had to keep his hand in with couple of the wrong type of girls who Professor Johannes Feedback, conscious, unconscious and Delilah. What do you advise mc to do? are,-prepared to do the right thing, even head of the department of extra psyche.) - High C. if it's ivrong. Eventually he'll discover marital calculus, arrived back at 'Is that you?' she asked. (Ad Dear High C, that two rights don't make a wrong his place of residence rather later mittedly a rather imprecise ques I suggest you have a look at his and that two wrongs don't make a than he had intended and some- tion, based on insufficient data, instrument next time he comes home right except in those rare cases where tvhat influenced, both mentally but excusable under the circum late. If it's still warm you'll know he's it's right to be WTong. I hope that my and physically, by his unaccust stances.) been playing, but if it's cold you'H explanation makes everything clear to omed intake of alcohol (0.005 mg. The professor hesitated, swit probably have it out with him. you. per litre of blood). ched on the bedsiiic lamp and As he climbed inlo bed, 50% made a few basic calculations on of which was allotted for his own the left leg of his pyjama trousers. How to understand balance sheets. For complete and lucid personal use, his wife (license 'It rather depends, my dear,' explanation, send SI.00 postal order to Chapman-Russell number 586/AD-475825976 Z) he replied, 'upon whom you were Enterprises, C/- University of Queensland Union, St. Lucia, stirred in her sleep. (It was Level expecting al 1.45 on the morning One sleep, leaving her conscious of Friday the 24th of April.' 4067. Quantity guaranteed. 27 tz ,iu33d|ES aqi psjs •sjooq aqi 01 -qunm BpjnoM IQ U3Dq i.upEq ii Ol q3nou3 pssn SBM 3qs qSnoqi J! 'sj3qEf9a "qSnous iqSioj jps3ui 'XiJ3jjB^,0 sjjv dn S3^EM siqx q3D94 J9A0 auoXuo 4,upi(] ip|iq9 'IH^II " ^W^Stt S!J., ^^^ Z3S .'pSSIBjd 3q SJUIBS, •[[E ,UB s}Ooq 'psq •JOJJIUl 3qj UI S:|00[ ,UB 'qDlEUt ElUI SqmiOp pUB 'J31BA\ X3jjn p|io E S3>|!ojqiqs 'paq Bino si33 3H 3qi uo iqSiu jspjeq E ^UE SUIXJJED .•qaiEui r. D>|!Ojqiqs -poq S,AEP pjcq E JSJJE iqSiu 3uo !0 l!!i V.v.,s\ -ajsq uj Aofiunoiv 3UIOq SpS 3J.J '3^10] J3A J! 'E1|EJ ,0 SJEJJ3D 3qi SB >|3C|q SB S,JJ, K SCA\ 3J3a -AiOU 'AlJ3JJE>}^Q •A)J3JJB^,0 z^s .'3inuim v. isnf, HSi^i -aMof '3qs 5^35 .t.ufiJEp 3ui 'noX n;qi si, -spuvjj uvg HI pspttv] puv )3f oqutnf Kq otjpvj 31]} SS0J3V pspvay oSiivi\' 05 'Ijog luoH i]}im ysvq svm sy Suiijstm jmv 's}ooq s^jo}ip^ 31/; Sui}j3l} '08UVI\! pVtS ^/JJS SSii 'uts SS^{^^ „iqn]3 lyjvi. suotuvj •pjuoai 31]) uiof o] svi] sy SJsym 'puvfsi Addnd UIJDM O SI sssuiddo^. 3poy}j ']jodm3j\,' o) ssjim Kiivui ,iuvtu „ •]3Sjm ot]} III SUOS p3J 'suwjd sy) SSOX3V •uot}viu3S3u sy] tuojj 3avy 0} 3}jt]j}vy} }sn[sj{ -jicluits U3y)i)u miy spu,n sy 'jz stun} suos usass sty ^.l}„ 'PF^ J'VP ^yi ,.'^mmoy„ Jo 3U0 Slut) yovs 'iiym mty yso puv jjtiff ,ii Dear Dotty, Dear Dotty, 1916 Engineers'Chorus written. Every year, at the mid-year office 1 am a police officer, aged 27, of Biology Department begins to stink. party, my boss puts the hard word on no fixed abode, and on the muniing 1917 So do the Engineers. me and asks mc to go with him to a of March 28 last, whilst travelling in an 1918 First motor car at University dance. The use of the buggy was motel for the night. I'm getting a bit easterly direction from the bedroom discontinued in favour of the more secluded nature of the car. sick of this same old nonsense, and as to the bathroom, I observed what app Girls were the parking problem. the party is coming up next month I eared to be an article of male apparel, 1919 University library declared a sanctuary for native birds, animals, wonder if you could give me some later identified as red jockettes, secreted trees, fauna. advice so I'll h,ive a good answer for in the pocket of a dressing gown which No shooting in library. him this year when he pops the at that time was being worn by its 1920 Kangaroo dog in Physics Lecture. question. — B.F. apparent owner, to wit, my wife. I made First trip to the Dead Heart by Doc. Whitehousc and his Roving Dear B.F. on-the-spot enquiries, whereupon the Rockbottoms, Two new Geology specimens. Most successful trip. defendant swore that the said article Why not surprise him this year by About this time the Physics apparatus began to get old. was the property of person or persons saying "No"? 1921 University Store started. 5 o'clock to opening time on Saturdays. unknown. She denied that the owner First self-service store in Australia. Dear Dotty, of the garments had been on the prem 1922 Camping bodies discovered. 1 was walking down Queen Street ises during my absence for illegal or Opossum in the library. when I found, on the footpath, a neat immoral purposes. Do you consider 1923 April; Men's Common Room furnished. parcel. 1 took it home and opened it that the evidence on hand warrants a May: Men' Common Room refurnished. up, and in it 1 found four and a half full-scale enquiry? - K.B. June; Refurnished again. brassieres. Do you think 1 should keep Dear K.B., .\ttempts then abandoned. them? - V.D. I think the article of clothing should 1924 Bellcvue discovered. The law smoko was launched. Dear V.D. be referred to as exhibit A, and your 1925 Bellcvue - Beloved! Dcfinately. In this case posession is wife referred to as a lying B. 1927 We begin to make Plowmen. nine points of the law. 1928 This is the year that the Dental procession float was not censored. Dear Dotty, Dear Dotty, Still going to St. Lucia. Can you suggest a good place for My daughter had an accident on her 1929 Depression hits University. my future husband and mc to go for Geology Departmet.t on the rocks. way home from work and I'd like to our honeymoon? — S.B. Student fined for wiighing pros and cons on a beam balance. know if she is entitled to compensation. Dear S.B., 1930 Commem. Ceremony only slightly disrupted by students. -J J. Bed. 1931 Commem. further disrupted. Dear J.J. 1932 Dental Students allowed in Men's Common Room. No. However, she can claim main Room became more common. tenance from the father just as soon Biology moves to Albert Street. as the child is born. 1933 Anatomy School moves to Alice Street. Dear Dotty, 1934 Engineers follow. About three months ago I went a bit 1935 8th March. Freshers welcomed. All clicked for Commem. crazy and was going out with no less 1936 Two dogs in Physics Lecture. Professor retired 5 minutes instead of usual 2'/2. than 29 girls. Now, to my horror, 1937 Work begun on St. Lucia. 1 find that 28 of the girls arc pregnant. Physics apparatus getting older. What should i do? —J. Strapp. 1938 Procession still shocks public and one frcshcrctte. Dear Jock, Commem. still more unruly. Try to get a date with the one who 1939 "Whacko" not published this year. - Whack-ho! isn't pregnant. 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In which "Whacko!" examines a problem that must affect every YQ, Compleat Hi/tory of young man at some time or another, mainly ye Plaje of Learning 1870 Act passed by. Parliament. (Twenty-four hours after they had How To Make Points swallowed it). "Necessary to find a home for striking and stood-down Pro It is desireabic to master this fessors." apparently simple operation before Fell through and Professros on strike-pay until attempting anything further, as it 1874 Compulsory Conference. Many people nonplussed, not only gives you familiarity in 1876 March from Trades Hall. Many people concussed. handling hot tubes, but ability to 1890 Cabinet split. draw good, well-shaped points will 1891 Stuck together again. also be of great assistance in 1893 The Big Flood. Three Professors washed up in Gardens. subsequent manipulations. 1897 University Bill drafted in, METHOD OF PROCEDURE 1899 University Bill drafted out. For your first attempt a tube 1900 Amended Bill taken up. about 15mm diameter and 18in. 1901 Amended Bill (and punters at the Creek) taken down. long will be most convenient. With 1902 Site chosen at Victoria Park, near the 4th bunker on the 9th a glass marking or grease pencil fairway. Too far from 19th. make a short mark about 3" from 1910 Gold dust planked down. First Senate April 15th. one end of your tube and another 1911 First Freshers'Welcome. mark 3" from the first. Adjust Both enjoyed themselves. your heat source so that it is a 1912 First Geology specimen found. Later lost, and rediscovered in little bigger in diameter than the Professor's overcoat pocket. tube you are working on; this is a 20th April. First H2S in Chemistry Department. Still going useful approximate rule when strong. First dog in Physics Lecture. drawing points. Hold your tube at This marks the inauguration of an annual ceremony. the right hand .end between the tips 1913 First degree ceremony. of the thumb and first three fingers, Another dog in Physics Lecture. the tube resting on the three small 1914 Foundation of Women's College. fingers; with the left hand over the University going to St. Lucia. tube, grip by thumb and first 1915 Third Degree Ceremony. Twenty-five third degrees administered. finger. The position of the hands and fingers is important. THE ROTATING MOVEMENT JOKE: MUSIC HALL Having satisfied yourself that you Anyway, it wakes 'is wife up. arc holding your tube correctly, set There was this feller, Albert, (It does, luv, dun't it?) in front of the blowfpipe and, yer see. Albert goes home late one resting your left elbow on the bench night with a skinfull, gets inter 'Is that you, our Albert?' she sez, sharpish like. hold your tube just beyond the bed and starts a bit of slap-and- flame, with the left hand end ticklc. Well, yer know 'ow it is 'If it's not,' sez Albert, 'Ah'm lower than the right. Settle yourself when yer've 'ad a few. {You know, 'aving 'ell of a good time wi' comfortably and, rotating your missis, don't yer?) somebody else's wife!' 8 tube, bring it slowly into the heat, 25 Lucky number is seventeen and over. Favourite colour is puce As I read }^ LEO: July 23-August 22 with burnt orange stripes. .^^__„™ You don't have any stars this month... We alt went on strike for danger money. After all, it's no fun hanging around up here being bombarded with Russian and American rockets. And who ^ CAPRICORN: December 22-Joiiuory 20 do you think pays the electricity bill for turning that light on Romance picture very bright during the next month with four THE STARS and off all the time? Certainly not you bunch of Earth-bound direct successes, seven promises, three knockbacks, and one peasants. Every month we tell you your stars but you never professional. A romantic interest develops when a wealthy By MERRY ULCER think of telling us our earths. A pox on the lot of you. businesswoman offers to show you over her bodyworks. You EXPONENT OF SUPERIOR CRAPULENCE will be amazed at tbe size of her production unit. You'll take a part-time job in a candle factory and although you'll wax -^ VIRGO: August 23-Scptember 23 enthusiastic at first It won't be long before you give a wick's notice. Your boyfriend will take you and your mother to watch the stars tonight. You and your Ma will wear mini-skirts and as you 'M TAURUS: April 21-May 20 go up the stairs he will see Uranus the will also see Mar's), May is >/f^ AQOARHK: Januory 21'Febniaiy 19 your bad month. Last year your boyfriend took you to the Friday is ideal for gassing annoying cocker spaniels, but un A splendid time to begin new projects. Try to be in earnest pyjama party but the flies nearly ate you alive. And what about favourable for buying battleships, multi-storey buildings and (unfortunately Ernest may not be that way inclined and may just the time you went to a fancy dress ball dressed as a blank strapless bras. Don't invest in any of those get-rich-quick thump you one). Try restoring an old organ but don't let it cheque and all the boys tried to fill you in. become a sore point with you. Knit yourself a new toilet seat. schemes, such as government bonds, SEA loans, banks etc. Better still, work up an act. Avoid quarrels, particularly with Thursday afternoon is excellent for throwing rocks through consulate windows and Friday euening offers unexpected ottier people. If you go for any long walks, be sure to go on foot ^ LfBRA: Se)»tember 24^tober 23 and don't speak to anyone you don't know, especially if they're romance when the girl from the fish shop asks you to remove strangers. Male students have difficulty in concentrating in co-ed classes. her leatherjacket and fillet. Remember, "Tis better to have loved Remember when the lecturer said, "Hands up all the girls and lost, than to have married and spent the rest of your days wearing mini-skirts" and you did just that and they threw you with a brash, brooding broody, bad-tempered, bumble-brained GEMINI: May 21-June 21 out. And don't forget the time the lecturer caught you doodling broad." Sftj and asked you both to leave the room. The trouble with you is that you let men get you down. With you It's bust-up after bust-up. It's time you got on top for a ^ PaCES: Februory 2aMaith 20 change. Assert yourself and crack down. Your future lies ahead -<> SCORPIO: October 24'Novefnber 22 A Piscean met a Virgo sheila. of you. You will find that everything forthcoming is hereafter Told her how he loved to feel her and tomorrow's happenings will be placed sometime after today. There will bo friction tonight between you and your girlfriend Presence near him in the night, As you grow older so your age will increase and you will be and it's a pity because you know how she hates the smell of So he proposed and she said, "Right". much nearer than you were before you started. Despite your burning rubber. You tend to act without thinking. You have He liked her chassis white and new; shortcomings you will be better off in the tong run, especially been known to enter the ladies' toilet by mistake so, in future, She said, "it's all been kept for you." after. So keep up the good work; it's a credit to you. look before you leak. Monday is interesting but there is a minor But on their wedding night he found setback early in the day when your left foot is blown off by an That her speedo had been thrice around. exploding bagpipe. A successful day flat-hunting on Saturday ^ CANCER: June 22July 22 when you shoot three and badly injure a fourth. Your best colour is pea-green and you should see a doctor about it. ^ ARIES: March 21-April 20 Your cornflakes lie quietly and stare at you in the morning. Sidle away sideways as if nothing is wrong, then leap suddenly in If you are pursuing a life of crime this happens to be an excellent cycle in which to duff cattle, knock off rare birds, lift skirts and the air, land with both feat in the plate and trample on them jumpers. It's not a good time for robbin' redbreasts as someone before they have a chance to laugh. It's your only hope. A good WSAGinARIUS: November 23-Deceinber 21 may put the finger on you and you will be caught red-handed, time to move out of that weatherboard house before it's too I shot an arrow in the air, Mid-May finds you on sunny northern Iseaches where you will late. Even the whiteants are drawing social services. And if the It fell to earth on bodies bare. have a wonderful time teaching your girlfriend how to ride on They say true lovers can't he parted, borers stop holding hands your floors will go. It's the only your surfboard (until the beach inspector sees you and makes Especially when they're double-darted. house In Australia where the rooms are divided by paint. you both get into the water). NEW RECIPES The Congo Cook Book by Nbongo Mbones. Publishers: Happy Headhunters Press, Luluville, Congo Republic. i 1 TOE JAM Ingredients: Two pounds care 1 j-.?:^ fully selected toes. It is imp ortant to use no hammer toes when there's in this dish, as they can spoil the flnal results. Pound and a half sugar. Six pints water. Angelica to taste. too much to Method: Wash toes carefully and strain in muslin cloth, tightly bound at top. Bring water to boil and place toes •.-.;,"«-gl-'-- see to stop in muslin in boiling water. Add sugar after 20 minutes on the boil and allow to simmer over low Hame for four hours. Add angelica in final half-hour. to eat - enjoy BOY STEW Serves you right. Ingredients: Three small boys, two cups water, tlirec spoons this meal salt, four onions, bottle Whisky. Method: Top and tail the boys being sure to remove the on the move shoes and socks. Place in a deep pan with a cover after adding VA bottle whisky. Allow to stand overnight. After 12 hours add three spoons salt and place in moderate oven for an hour and a half. Slice onions and add (a small amount of garlic can he used instead if preferred). Keep in oven about 350 degrees for further hour, then add water. Allow to simmer for further hour, remove and drink rem There's a little meal in a carton of aining whisky. Serves six. Pauls Yogfruit — the most delicious Yoghurt ever ma(de. An exclusive Swiss ARMPIT FRICASSE formula with REAL fruit. Tempting, Ingredients: Six well-seasoned armpits. Three cups flour. Two good time taste. FROZEN EAR tablespoons salt. Two pints DELIGHT water. Dash herbs. Nob of butter. Ingredients; One pound assort Method: Slice armpits into ed cars. Tin condensed milk. quarters and place in pan, Two cups sugar. One egg- adding butter. Brown over Method: Grale ears nneiy and slow gas for ten minutes and stir in condensed milk, adding add herbs. Allow to brown sugar gradually. Whip egg and for further ten minutes and pour over. Place in freezing stir in water slowly, adding tray of refrigerator. Spread salt. Allow to simmer gently sugar evenly on top. Allow to for three hours, adding flour freeze unttt hard. This dish gradually in last half hour of can- then be garnished with cooking. Garnish with toenails chilled nostrils. Serves eight. and serve. Serves four. KooSixib In the four most popular^^flavours DSt DODular^^flavniir*; Tiffi WoMBN's WEAKLY —April 27—May I, 1970 Page 19 origin were threatened with bodily harm and This seems lo be the assumption ot the property destruction by their fellow cilj/cns. Department, a false belief since, as Ihe historian when "German sausage" became known as "Devon Arnold Toynbcc has observed. "All virtues exhib sausage". The fall in enlistmcnis during July was ited in war have also an unlimited scope in other perhaps due to Ihe adverse fortunes cvpericnced by forms of human encounter and intercourse, while, the Allies. In July, for example, there was the on Ihc other hand, the exhibition of these virtues Somme disaster when, during a period of seven by soldiers has unhappily often proved to be weeks, there was a total of 28,000 Australian compatible with a simultaneous exhibition ol killed or wounded. cruelly, rapacity, and a host of further vices. To combat the reluctance to volunteer Hughes In forcing upon children the Anzac inylh, the suutiht to introduce conscription. As there was a educational authorities arc merely reinlorcing large majority in the Senate hostile to the pro harmful attitudes and false views of hie perver posal who would have rejected a conscription bill, sions, if you like that kids are bombarded with lie opted for the dcmocnicy of a referendum. To every day. As my colleague Hob NicId has commen ensure things would go his way he denied the vote ted. 'The kids can watch 'Hogan's Heroes' and lo those males between 21 and 31 who had not learn what fun it was to be in a concentration regislered lor compulsory home service in the camp, Ihey can watch 'Mcllale'sNavy'and marvel Army. However, on the eve of Ihe referendum he al the incredible stupidity of the Japanese, They dropped this regulation. When Ihe votes were can walch John Wayne shoot hell oul ol the returned il was found that the anii-conscriplion Germans, Japs and Vietcong and learn how the forces had triumphed. Whilst Ihc A,1.1-', voted in Americans have made the world safe lor democracy support of conscription this was only by a maj and American investment. The kids can even blast ority of 1.1.0(10. hell out of each oilier by buying the latest war toys. Except Ihal when they ate shot, all they During late 1916. through 1917, enlistments have lo do is 'couni 20' and they are alive again,.. continued to drop. Gtcat losses were being exper Perhaps the next commercial gimmick will be that ienced by the A.i.l-. In November. 1917, Hughes the kids can buy real blood lo smear over each set about holding another referendum, this time other when they get shot up." lo conscript single men between 20 and 44, The pro and anti forces massed once mure and a bitter In itself the Anzac myth is an unique phen- struggle ensued. To secure a vole in favour of onemon. Its popularity leads one lo suspect Ihal conscription Hughes allowed a system of censor it fulfils some deep needs in the community. ship to function against the Press; there were Indicative of this is the archileclurc and symbolism military and police raids on anti-conscription of the major Australian war memorials. Professor centres where literature was seized and destroyed; K.S. Inplis has pointed out that whilst Christian there were charges of sedition and disloyalty. The symbolism is seldom admitted to. there are Christ pro-conscription forces told their fellow Australians ian overtones, as in the Australian War Memoriars The Great Australian Myth Fach year thousands of people march through tieth century they were reincarnations of Greek Ihc streets of Australia to perpetuate the obscenity mythology. 'Their beauty." wrote novelist of Anzac. , Compton Mackenzie, "was heroic" and "should Men and women who had fought in two world have been celebrated in hexameters, not headlines." wars and on the battlefields of Asia help to The Anzacs stepped out of Ihe pages of Homer preserve a mylh and a public holiday that origin and Virgil. "There was not one of these glorious Photograph by John Olsen. Picture courtesy Lll-K Magazine (Copyright 1969), ated in a political and military blunder at Gallipoli young men ... who might not himself have been (an undertaking which historians agree was doomed Ajax or Diomed, Hector or Achilles." from the start), that celebrates the alleged charac A wonderful unreal world: Sexton Blake, how "the Germans arc a foul brood. They kill Hall of Memory. However, beyond this there are teristics of the Australian soldier independence Sherlock Holmes, Ajax and Achilles, The exper babies", and how if Jesus Christ were alive he non-Christian elements; Inglis cites here Ihe shrine of thought and action, contempt of and disrespect ience of death is unimportant to the legend makers, would joyfully enlist in the A.I.I-. A majority in Melbourne dedicated to "the glory of service for authorities, and coolness in the face of danger to the politicians who send men lo their deaths, to again voted against conscription and enlistments and sacrifice". The inscription on the west wall - as discerned by C.E.W. Bean, Ihe Common the military minds who plan wars, to the financial continued lo fat). proclaims that the shrine stands on "holy ground", and a little further on the ancient symbol of wealth's official correspondent at Ihe time and interests that lust on the carrion. And AUTHORED SALES IND SERVICE CONVENIENT PUBLIC TRANSPORT ONLY 2 MILES FROM G.P.O. 100 YARDS FROM STATION AND DU8 PEIN AAotors [^: TOOWONG «M sn CORONATION DRIVE (0pp. ABQ2 STUDIO) Your German VW Specialist Telephone 74011 (4 lines) In Sales — Service — Parts — Warranty PANEL BEATING - SPRAY PAINTING - CRASH REPAIRS • LET US QUOTE NO ODLICATION • WE ARE OPEN SATtHlDAY MORNING FOR SERVICE AIVD PARTS Trade-in to High Prices Second-hand Cm It was only when I noticed that Johnny and Lulu were gone that a faint suspicion began (o dawn on me that there was some th thing odd going on. Johnny and Lulu had been with us a long time and, naturally, they were considered a part of the house hold. Johnny lived in the old sewer and Lulu was permanently parked in the pipe leading to the grease trap. Whenever anyone went lo the toilet, Johnny broadcast the fact in his deep bass and the washing up was always heralded by Lulu's soprano. But let me explain. Johnny and Lulu were frogs and they got their names from the local pop scene. The moths and the birds had also vanished from the back garden by the time 1 sat up and took notice. Now, quite honestly, 1 would be about the most unobservant By RON GRENIER creature in the soutliern hemisphere, that is in all respects but Snatch one. Cars. Yes, I know all about cars, the life stories of the Porsche, Maserati, Jaguar, Ferrari, B.M.W., Lotus. Bentley and the other monsters of the road have no secrets from me. In fact when 1 get buried amongst my Sports Car books, I am oblivious "Come off it matey, you've got the perfume and anyone But when they comes out on to the road, lo and behold the to the rest of the worid and live a kind of car-nal existence. else in the biz can spot you a mile off. For whom do you wagon's gone! Someone had nicked off with it. It was a icai snatch?" But recently, even I have been noticing some strange happen calamity. The copper was a big, beefy bloke with a red face and ings. Besides the moths and the frogs and the birds, our "Snatch? Pardon me but I don't quite understand." after glaring around a bit, he looks at the Pom. The poor guy neighbours have been more than usually aloof, since my wife "The stiffs, I mean, for whom do you push them around?" carries on like he's mad but the copper thinks he's plain stupid and is about to grab him and drag him to the watchhousc when left for a tour of the north. Actually, I rather welcome this and 1 just stared at him in disbelief. Then I saw a look of real play the radiogram loud at night and hope the sticky beaks are the wife and kids arrive, They starts bawling again when they compassion come into his eyes. He placed a protective arm hears the news and the copper changes his mind and agrees the thinking that I am living it up wiOi orgies; a sort of modern around me and led me to a seat on the footpath. Lucretia Borgia. And also the old bag from next door does not thing is no hoa.x. He takes them and cruises around a bit. Goes rush in to attach her unattractive anatomy to Ihc telephone, for "Look" he said, "I can see you arc on the hard stuff. No to the well known car specialists and then round the dumps to which 1 am unduly thankful. But something is wrong. good mate, you should boil it a bit longer. It could ically hurt sec whether the perishing package is lying around anywhere and you. You seem to be losing your memory too soon and you're then drops them off at my place." And then there was the man in the 'bus. still a young feller." 1 laughed till the tears ran down my checks. 1 took Chailie Most days 1 sit at the back, where I can enjoy a quiet .smoke. "Hard stuff, boil it. I assure you I don't really know what and shouted him a couple of beers. He was sitting somewhere about the middle when he first got in, you are talking about." I was perplexed by now. True, though but after a couple of stops he seemed to sniff around, spotted me what he had said about my memory, because 1 lived in a perpetual "And in tlie end what happened to Aunt Jessica?" and came and sat next fo me. He was a large, bony fellow with a state of amnesia. But all tliis other jargon waS greek to me. "Dunno" said Chariie, "It was what you might call a tcchnicil big, angular frame. He had deep furrows on his face, sunken eyes "It's the balmy, mate. It's no good neat." hitch. The coppers did not know whether to put her on the list and thin, tight lips. But his most prominent feature was his of missing persons or lost property. But tell me matey, where do Adam's apple. It was a beauty and when he swallowed it went up 'The balmy, what's that?" you work?" and down like a king-size yo-yo. I have always been partial to "The embalming fluid, of course; what else would you and 1 "At the University." Adam's apples and in my humble opinion, a good specimen is a be magging about. You've got to boil it We put it in the kettle Charlie seemed to shake his head in despair. far greater attribute of manhood than an overdeveloped phallus. and when the whistle blows, it's ready. Takes all the vice out of "Rum lot over there, ch?" I merely nodded in acquiescence. He just sat and stared at me with a dry, acid smile, like Judas it then without getting lit up. Which morgue are you at? Tell mc Iscariot. When I got off the 'bus, 1 was a bit disconcerted to find and I'll come down and show you. Todie's thursdce, how will "Say, have you got a good morgue in that place?" him walking beside me. He gave me a thump on the back and a next mondce suit yer?" "Not yet, Chariie, but who knows one of these days..." hearty "How are you going mate?" Now, I was getting a bit annoyed but I am an amiable bloke "O.K. then don't fail to let me know and I'll come and show "Well, I was walking to the top of the road ..." and I always believe that small ships should sail calmly in you how to organise the joint." unknown and untranquUized waters. "No, no" he said, shaking his head. "Bloody foreigner, 1 see, "Before 1 go, Charlie, tell me what you meant by saying that if you don't mind my saying so, but if you arc in the trade you I settle myself in a comfortable position and 1 say to him, "So, wc both had the 'perfume'." can't be a bad bloke." you are a mortician eh? Must be an interesting life, tell me how "Oh yes, the perfume. That's the smell matey. When you are you going!" 'Trade, what trade? 1 don't understand." handle tlie stiffs awhile, you can't help it. You get the perfume. "Ah, that's better matey, you can talk like a real Aussie, at It's in your hair, your clothes, fingernails and even in your times though 1 can't understand some of those funny words you fountain pen ink. No sir, it can never leave you." use. . But we know. It's the cultivation, mate, you just haven't From way back, in the dull gtiiiimcringsof my mind, a strange got it, have you? truth seemed to be emerging and 1 began to feel the first 'The cultivation?" premonirions of an impending disaster. "Yes, the cultivation. The books, you know, and going to the A hurried farewell and I took a quick taxi home. lOdt^^ pub and talking Australian, reading about Australia in die paper But it was no good and she had already found it If ever and all the rest of it that goes to make a dinkie di Aussie." there is anything to be found, she finds it That's the mother-in- 1 had to confess to a certain amount of intellectual malnu law I mean. She's a hefty woman with a stern like two welf trition in this field, but by now I was quite relaxed and deter filled sails. In fact if ever they run short of any for the Sydney mined to be friendly. Opera house I know where they can get a couple of refills. 'Tell me about your morgue." All the neighbours were gathered outside the gate and they "Okay, now this is fair dinkum and a real beaut. Happened a were holding their noses. Even 1 found my hand gripping the few days back. Feller turned up about nine at night. Looked a olfactory organ. U was a powerful smell. Pom and,.all beat up. Shaking he was, so 1 gives him a bit of Usually, my mother-in-law and I get on well because there is balmy to slow him down and I listen to his story. Seems he's a a sort of unarmed moratorium between us. When 1 have logo to BtC p'ostic, good family man; took his missus and the kids into the her place, she does not sec mc and when she comes home, I bush for a picnic. He had an old aunt, who was called Jessica. don't sec her. Took her along too to do the chores, you know, washing up LEMONADE But tonight she held all the aces. and all tliat. Well, diey has a good time, a bit of fishing and after a good lunch they all flake out and has a kip. About fom he calls It was the package that Charlie had described and it must out to Auntie to boil the billy. Nothing happens, so he goes up have been Aunt Jessica, a bit worse for wear. The mother-in-law to the old bird and gives het a shake up. Nothing doing, she's had a long stick in her hand and she was prodding some white, still asleep and when he looks hard at her, God Almighty, the swollen things that were moving about with undulating efforts BOV all over the place. old diing is dead. Well, Ihe wife and the kids start bawling and the feller is at his wits end what to do. There's not a house in "Where.... " sight for twenty miles. At last he has an idea. The wife and kids "On the couch in Ihc room under the house." won't have Auntie inside the car, no succ, not in that condition. "How...." They all help and wrap her up in the tarp and puts her on the hood rack. There's no other place for her, see, she'll have to be "How the devil would I know." folded up too much for the boot and she's already getting a bit "She's humming a bit " tight in tlie leg for that. Anyway, she fits in nicety on top. They "Laddie, the understatement of die yoar. She's singing in puts a strap over her and off they goes. By this time it's dark high C and even Dame Nellie Melba never reached that far. But and when they reach the Gabba Police, the kids aic hungry. So what arc you going to do, you twit. Don't just stand there!" the missus takes them to the sandwich bar, while the Pom goes I knew what I was going to do. In half a .shake I was out of to sec the coppers. The old crapbook is hauled out and they goes the gate and away down the road shouting "Charlie". And 1 am through the routine. Then the copper wants to sec Auntie before willing to bet that in the first hundred yards I would have left she goes to the Doc for a 'rigor mortis' check. tlic old Bcntlcy standing, twin overhead camshaft and all. % THE Wo.\tEN'S \VE,\KLV—April 27—iMay 1, 1970 Page 21 My fiame is Richard. Vm a Dick. , Things had been very quiet at Headquarters - hardly a movement at the Station. The only Case all night had been a little man with the dirty wife. He had stripped her naked and thrown her into a drum of Liquid Detergent. He was terribly relieved to have made a clean breast of it - but to me it" was just dull routine. He hadn't even killed her. I was seated at my desk, shaving myself with my new axe when the tele DICK phone jangled. I had a strange premonition. Someone was trying to contact me. I lifted the receiver and put it to my Aid. "Is that you, Richard?" warrants emergency measures. Take the Black It was the Chiefs voice. I stood to attention & White Bus." and nodded. Throughout the long journey to Sandgate, "Don't just nod, you Dummy, this is a Freddic-the-Fence and I formulated our plans, telephone!" he shouted. "Get over to my office breaking the journey only for a quick precaution right away; and bring Freddie-thc-Fence with ary survey of the Homestead. HEADS you." The final plan was brilliantly conceived but The Chief is known to us only as "P" - but essentially simple. whenever "P" calls you have to hurry. If danger threatened, 1 was to feign a heart Hurling myself oul of the Station and into attack, whilst Freddie was to run along the Corso my supercharged Ford Prefect, I sped to Spring shouting "Police! Help Police!" Hill to pick up Frcddie-the-Fencc. Freddie was an ex-Con who was on parole for stealing a It wasn't long before wc were standing on payroll, but he had proved invaluable to the Sandgate's sea shore watching the huge white- Force as the best stool pigeon in the business. topped waves smashing down on the sparkling brown mud. At first the beach seemed deserted I found him sitting on the front step of his but then I noticed someone standing in the INTO boarding house with a broad Broad. He had shadow of a big boulder. He was obviously a* obviously lost something .... his hands were Miner - he was leaning against the rock with his searching diligently down the neck of her dress pick in his hand. .... but whatever it was he'd lost, it was like looking for a needle in a haystack. "Let's question him," said Freddie nervously, "I had an unfortunate experience with a Homo " Another five minutes found us both outside Sapiens when I was a child. Fancy them being the plush office of "P", on the very top floor of legal in England!" one of Brisbane's towering two-storey buildings. I crept up behind "P's" secretary and gently I approached the stranger with caution and stroked the long blonde hair. began to question him - casually, but wiUi a skill ACTION born of years with the Taxation Department "What's up, Fred?" I queried (all my friends "Are you a Miner?" say I'm a query.) "Ofcourse,I'monly20." By BILL EGAN The young man gigled nervously. 1 looked him up and down contemptuously. "Oh, Richard, I'm so glad you arc here. "H'm. You're a bit small aren't you?" He's m a terrible tizzy. You'd better go in straight away. "Yes. Achially I'm a Mini-Miner." "P" was sitting behind his huge mahogany "I see. What do you know about Minefields?" desk, looking British to the core - probably "Well, American submarines seem to get because he had apple cheeks. His face was clean through them without any trouble - particularly shaven apart from his finely clipped accent and ifCary Grant is Captain," his shock of tousled grey hair hung on the hat- He seemed genuine enough, but I had to be rack behind him. sure. I moved forward until my face was only Then I noticed that his right arm was in inches from his. I could even smell the Vegemite plaster, supported by a red white and blue sling. on his breath. "What happened Chief," I asked sympathetic "Do you know what the Important Elements ally, "Fall?" are?" 1 rapped out. "P" blushed. "Sure Gold, Silver, Uranium, Wind, Rain "Well, I'd had quite a few, Richard. But now and HaiL" to business. Do you know what this is?" I turned to Freddie-die-Fence. The small object he held in his outstretched "This man is genuine," 1 told him. "He is hand glistened and sparkled under the Huorescent obviously just an honest Opal Miner." lighting, I gasped audibly. 'That," said Freddie, "is a contradiction in "You don't mean ?" terms. Well, what do we do now?" The Chief nodded grimly. I pointed along the beach. "ExacUy!" "Let's have a look at those rocks over there.. I glanced quickly at Freddic-the-Fence and just past tliat Fisherman looking for Yabbies." noticed that he was turning pale. This was the Togedier we slogged through the sucking first time 1 had ever seen a paling fence in a city surface, surreptitiously searching for some subtle office. sign to assist in our sinister quest. We were only , "But what about the Vice Squad?" I ejacu about 12 yaids from the Fisherman when he lated. suddenly raised his Yabbie Pump and fired, The Chief shook his head. A loud report was followed by a soft thud beside me, I turned in time to see Freddie-dic- 'They're not available - they're all oul Fence sinking slowly to the stinking sand, his watching the University Procession. And bloodstained fingers clutching at the gory gaping Richard," he expostulated, "I do wish you hole in his chest wouldn't ejaculate in my Office. You'll min the new carpet" With a broken ciy I cradled his head in my arms. I drew myself up to my full height. "Speak to me, Freddie," 1 sobbed, "Speak to "If this office" I said with dignity, "is good me!" enougli for you to expostulate in, then it's good enough for me to ejaculate in! Now, give us the Freddie opened his eyes and tried to smile. facts." Then widi his last dying breath, he said, "Don't you know the difference between a Yabbie Pump In short .sharp sentences "P" outlined the and a Bloody Bazooka?" Modus Operandi. Then he told us how to go about Ihe job. The moment he went limp 1 knew he was a stiff. With unaccustomed tenderness 1 closed It appeared that an Undcrworid Syndicate Uiosc unseeing eyes and rifled the pockets - even from Sydney was involved in this bonifying retrieving tlie wristwatch I had lost 6 months project, led t)y Mr Big himself. Even the Raffia previously - then, after plunging my fiick knife was thought to be involved. Their headquarters into his chest to ensure that he was deceased, 1 were somewhere in the Sandgate area but little scooped a shallow hole in the sand and mud and else was known of the gangsters except that they quickly buried him. were posing as Opal Miners. This grisly task completed, I stood and looked The Chief rose and shook our hands. about me. "Tlje beach was deserted. I moved to "Remember," he warned, "You are on your the spot where the Fisherman had been. Some own. Goodbye.... and good luck." thing attracted my attention and I stooped to "Don't worry, "P", " I said cheerily, "We'll relieve the Folder of Matches that lay half drive up there straight away. buried at my feet. The words on the Folder The Chief pondered for a moment leapt out at me: "Dine & Dance at Dirty Dick's Discotheque." "No," he said, "An emergency like this ^ Vibrating? Well, wouldn't you with 50cc of hot engine between your legs? Poge 22 THE WOMEN'S WEAKLY—April 27—May 1,1970 DICK HEADS "What is it?" I asked her in a hushed voice. "Have a good look at her," I advised. any progress?" 'There's something wrong here - very wrong. 1 glanced around die room. It was in wild I looked al Dirty Dora and shook my head. I suddenly senses it" disanay. There had been a stmggle. I saw the "It won't be long now, "P". By the way, do INTO ACTION I put my shoulder to die door and heaved. I tears welling in Dirty Dora's eyes and put my you sec tiiat scantily-clad blonde lying on the have a very weak stomach. arms around her comfortingly. floor?" Continued "No, not that way," said Dirty Dora picking "Thai Minnie," she sobbed, "Wouldn't you I emphasised my words by prodding "P" on me up and placing me to one side, "This door think she'd have tidied up beforehand? She was the chest doesn't push, it pulls like Ui " Her voice the laziest thipg I ever knew. She's even got some "Ouch!" he said, grimacing with pain. robbish in her hand." trailed away to a smothered scream. "Aha!" 1 cried, ripping open his shirt and Looking under her shoulder, I saw a young Once more I knelt over the young scantily- reveahng a bare white patch on an otherwise This was the most important clue so far! clad blonde, wishing thai Dora was Jiot in the scantily-cJad blonde lying face downwards on dense undergrowth. "I have found tiic murderer! Without a Folder of Matches bearing the name of room. I prised die small tighUy-clenched fingers the floor. The hair matches!" a Night Club, half the crimes in America would apart and brashed the contents of her hand on to "P" fell to his knees, grovelled al my feet and never have been solved. "What is that young scantily-clad blonde doing a sheet of white paper. lying face downwards on the floor?" I asked. feverishly licked my boots. I found the Sleasy Night Club by using die lliey were hairs. .. short hairs... she must "Oh, Richard, please don't give me away!" he old "ask-a-sleasy-taxi-drivcr" trick. I brashed past 'That's my room-mate Minnie. She's extinct" have had somebody by the short hairs! Dora whimpered. implored, "I'll do anything! Anything!" a gaggle of gorgeous girls giggling in the gutter Then I heard a slight sound outside. I turned and made my way down a dingy flight of stairs. "1 know she does," 1 said crossly, "But why off the light and pulled Dirty Dora into the And that is how I became Inspector-in-Charge At the sound of muffled footsteps behind is she on Uie floor?" Chamber. of the Brisbane Censorship Squad. me, I flattened myself against the wall and held I made a quick but thorough examination. As furtive footsteps approached, I flung I come only after "P" in the organisation. My my breadi with botli hands. Then I recognised "She is," I announced, "What we call in the forward and flooded the flat with fluorescence. subordinates refer to me as "That "Q"," him. It was the Taxi Driver!" detective business, a Coqjus Delectable." It was the Chief! And as for tiic Crime Ring, the smell soon "What are you doing here?" I hissed in his "Don't you mean Corpus Delicti?" drove them away from Sandgate. socket "Ob, hello Richard," he said in surprise, 1 smiled sagaciously. "It seems that our trails Iiave met Have you made It must have been Freddie-the-Fence. % "Oh," he replied airily, "I just wanted to brush past that gaggle of gorgeous giris giggling in the gutter." As soon as he had gone 1 silently approached die dimly lit door at the end of the darkened passage. 1 could just discern the printed legend on who the peeling paintwork. It said "Men" - what a relief! Soon I noticed another door up a short flight keeps an of steps. This must be Dirty Dick's Door. 1 bounded up those three steps four at a time and knocked loudly. The door opened slowly. Then eye on ^ I saw her! She was simply dressed in two milk bottle bachelor tops and a see-through G-string. 1 could see she had more curves than the Wilbur Smith Freeway. I wasted no time. girls? "Who are you covering up for?" I demanded roughly. Her breast heaved indignantly but I managed to duck in time. Sultry eyes peered at me through long dark falsies - two headliglits flashing from behind massive fenders. From behind her came the soft sweet sigh of Disco music and I caught a momen MILK tary glimpse of a room lull of young dancers swaying sensuously to the stimulating syncopation of a saxophone solo. "What do you want of me?" Her voice was like her shoulders - husky. "Are you Dirty Dick?" DOES She smiled alluringly and her vampiric voice vibrated colluptuously. "No, I'm Dirty Dora, Dirty Dick's sister. I'm the Bouncer here. You wanna see me bounce?" "Aha!" I smiled, standing on tippy toe to kiss her on Uie neck, "There's sonieOiing I want to ask you." Without a further word being spoken my arms encircled the soft warm body as she drew me onto the Dance Floor. I felt the blood coursing through my veins, pounding at my temples and draining from my face as she squeezed me closer and closer. Bathed as 1 was in this excess of sensual gratification, I did not realise that die music had stopped until the watching dancers began to .shout encouragement. We stopped dancing but still stood like Sunday Milk protein and thiamine give her the energy Traffic - bumper to bumper. and mental verve that pleases bosses, earns 1 breathed heavily. raises. The cosmetic vitamin A in milk helps her She breathed heavily. match beauty with brains. Its energy-rich We were like two locomotives with their minds cream and lactose keep her glowing after five. on the same track. Who keeps an eye on milk-drinking bachelor The watching couples, sensing the fierce girls? Bachelors do. Good-looking ones. emotional current running between us, slowly drifted out on it Finally ... wonderfully ... we were alone. RT YOURSELF She spoke at last, softiy, caressingly. FOR LIVING "Let's go up to my flat for a cup of tea and a — with MILK. Send for the free 7 DAY MILK DIET roll. You look as thougli you could do with somediing substantial." that will keep you and your measurements right Then she looked at me in a way that I had on the mark. never been looked at before. 1 felt about ten feet tall - All over. Taking my trembling hand in hers, she led me To;The Brisbane Milk Board, up a winding stair and into a lavishly appointed I G.P.O. Box 32, Brisbane 4001. apartment. The furniture was obviously expensive I Please send me a copy of your 7-Day Milk and antique. There was even an old pornograph Diet. I understand there is no charge. in the corner. I "You have a nice flat here" 1 said, looking at Name her ample breasts. I "Yes, I share it with my giri friend. You watt Address here while I change into somediing more com I fortable. This G-string is killing mc." Postcode She slid seductively to the door, then stopped short. I suddenly sensed that diere was something wrong here - very wrong. TIIE WOMEN'S WEAKLY —April 27—May 1,1970 Page 23 Daily Orientation Orientation —'adjustment, position or aspect with regard to anything, determining of one's bearings in relation to circumstances/ Every day things are happening in the world that affect you. Events that could change your attitudes, modify your point of view, move you to action. EVery 24 hours THE AUSTRALIAN reports the global scene, bringing to you without bios, every significant news item. THE AUSTRALIAN brings you intelligent, balanced reporting. Its features, editorials, cartoons ore stimulating, entertaining, informative. Its journolists, correspondents and sub-editors are the most accomplished in the profession. . ,1 .[I r 11" * THE AUSTRALIAN always respects your intelligence. •«'•*'''"„" air fares Orientation is a daily business with the notional Big CUtB in newspaper. THE AUSTRALIAN Page 24 THBlWOMBlirs WBAKLV—April 27—May 1,1970 JUNKIES' CORNER Our expert, Mr, Steptoe, answers readers' enquiries about their junk. / am enclosing a sketch of a cracked shaving-cup which I own. It Is white on the inside with blue flowers on the outside. There is a small handle and the letters G.F. appear on the side. Can you give me any information about it? - Gerald Frost, Qld. Almost certainly you have a cracked shaving-cup. The blue flowers on tiie outside are for decoration while the white inside is probably the natural colour of the porcelain. The handle would make carrying the cup easier. Although the letters G.F. may have no obscene connotations I would suggest as you \m in Queensland that you take no chances with the police and do not use your cup in public. My great-grandfather left me a small glass block (snapshot enclosed) some years ago. Could you please identify it? - / would be grateful if you would let me'have any information R.S. Hill, N.S.W. ^^ about a drinking glass that I have. Inside is a statuette of a woman with no clothes on. When the glass is filled she appears fully clothed but as the level drops, so does her gear. - W.Jones, Glass blocks such as yours became very popular at the end of Tasmania. the nineteenth century as paperweights. They were cither square, round or oval and were veiy good for holding down papers on "desks. With the rise of bureaucracy this century their popularity increased and are still being used by office workers in most parts Your drinking glass is one of 5 million that were made in Hong of the country. Incidentally a cute nude from "Man" pasted on Kong in 1968. Only about a dozen have been successfully The editor (in background, wearing tinplate crown) the back of a glass papcrweiglit does marvels for a dull old office smuggled into Australia. A Customs officer is on his way to gurgles his last at a recent Commem Semper party. desk. your address now. Contrary to popular belief, the wenches are the real thing, much to the chagrin of those who were not invited. Swords are symbolic of the tactics MONEY-SAVING HANDY HINTS SEX SEX SEX utilised by those union officeholders who also Continued From Page 6 SEMPER FLOREAT engage in backstabbing feuds against editors of Twenty Cents union publications. In the City They need special treatment. (Mind you, any General pointers: When dining out make sure Every Other Tuesday one who manages to get himself aliead of a bank you've got all Uie enti'ances located and a fast line is a very smooth operator indeed, and probably of escape planned. doesn't need any advice I can hand out.) Many have been delivered to the debtor's prison And this special treatemnt, as with a few other through not taking such simple precautions. hardened institutions, calls for the post-graduate If the server is at all worth his salt he'll keep summons dodging course - direct attack. himself between his victim and the exit This can When you ve dodged all the usual ploys and be overcome by a little forethought. you feel the heat is about to go on (beautiful Never answer to your name. This is disastrous strangers in a bar, gimlet-eyed bus drivers) ring up unless amongst close and trusted friends, the bank manager and tell him you've been out of I knew a fellow who was standing at the bar of and UNISEX town and was there something about an overdraft his favourite hotel, drinking by himself, when (or debt, in the case of some other institution)? approached by this amiable cove who asked him The bank manager will choke and say yes, and hadn't they met before. you say well, you must pop over, and the bank Being in a friendly frame of mind, my friend manager will become very friendly and hang up allowed himself to be sucked into introductions. with te!irs in his eyes. The result: a $900 bluey. This slows them down for two months at least, Now if anyone ever smiles or nods at you in a in between the heat coming off and going back bar, ignore them. * on again. Then repeat the performance, doing a lot of talking and explaining about your cancer operation etc. This will hold good for another month. Next, send tiiem SI. Some veterans consider this very poor sport, almost conceding a point to the enemy, but it is highly effective. This will throw their accounts system into such a whirl that you'll end up with another two months before they get sU-aightened out, and The Management 8i Staff of another one before the heat is back on full. Next, send them a letter explaining how you've been trying to pay it off at $1 a week, but times Deanne's Salon are so exceptionally crook, you can't seem to make ends meet. However, you are trying to honour your oblig ations, please find enclosed 50 cents. Invite you to inspect our range of Put a false address at the top of the letter and rest for another three to four months. SPORTSCRAFT By this time, you'll have them worried. There's VOGUE nothing a professional bloodsucker hates more than a stone. PRINCETON You then confound the enemy by lobbing at SNAZZI EXQUISITE DESIGN EXCLUSIVE TO ENICAR AND MORE IMPORTANT his front door to plead your case. (Invariably the FEATURES THAN ANY OTHER WATCH summons will be in the possession of a lawyer or and many otiier well-known brands. a server. But if you're dead stiff and they have it there, run!) * Throe Years Unconditional Guarantee , They'll get very stern and lecturing, but they'll * Waterproof, Shockproof, Automatic, Calendar really be rattled. By then, the enemy will be starting to weaken. * Berate Summons servers don't get that much for their * Scratch Resistant Glass and Case dirty work, and even the most dedicated is going LAY-BYS ACCEPTED. * Star Jewels Prevent Oil Contamination of Timing Mechanism to be sick of trailing you from residence to residence, to be pipped every time. Further, it is now some two years since the debt was incurred, and the bank is almost ready to write it off. 227 Hawken Drive, Tear Out This Corner and Take To: You then administer the coup de grace. St. Lucia. SEEING THE Ring up the bank manager in wild excitement oAjeAfui STAR D.A. ROBINSON and tell him you've won the lottery, and you'd Ph. 701267 love to fix them with what you owe them at long 188 Edward St.. last. The bank manager will faint with delight; You IS A'HAPPENING. Brisbane. send them a cheque. It bounces, Tliey retire, humbled by the master. (Next to the Canegrowers' Building) THE Wo.NiUN's WEAKLY —April 27—May 1, 1970 Page 25 HOUSEHOLD QUERIES If your have a household cooking or cleaning problem write to us and we'll print your query free of charge. TEA CADDY HOT PANTS Semaphore, SA reader, Mrs. "How can I remove scorch Howe, asks: "How can I re stains from nylon pants," asks move tea stains from a caddy. Mrs. Rosen of Toorak, Vic. Rinse in a light solution of Unfortunately, IVirs. Rosen bi-carb and boiling water until does not tell us the cause of clean, frankly, Mrs. Howe, th e bums or whether they are wa consider that you take on the front or the back of the your golf a little too seriously. pants. Using a strong wire THE UNIVERSITY BOOKSHOP SUPPORTS COMMElVl SEMPER. brush, brush all over with a mixture of paint remover and beruene. If this fails, remove pants, wash in hot soapy wat PIANO KEYS er and hang in a sunny spot. Beverley Hills, NSW reader, Mrs. Steele, asks: "How may I whiten yellowed piano keys?" Saturate a sponge with alco BURNT PAN hol and rub briskly over the keys. Then suck the sponge T^rs. Gilroy of Ocean Beach, until you are three parts gone. NSW, asks: "How may I remove At this stage you will invite a burnt patch from the bottom of passers'by to join you in a a pan?" sponge—sucking party. Well, Mrs. Gilroy, lighting Chances are that some of the fires in the toilet is a danger guests will be University ous practice and can cause students and it shouldn't be untold damage to pan bot long before they smash the toms and bottoms generally. piano and force the debris Mix a littie lemon juice with through a nine inch hole. some caustic soda and splash Whose nine inch hole? This is the solution, liberally, into a matter of personal choice. the eyes of your fanuly and The important thing is, you self. This method vnll ensure will no longer have the prob that you do not notice the Sproule & Evison Real Estate lem of yellowed piano keys. stain in the future. A.R.PROUT 154 STA-nON ROAD INDOOROOPILLY Personal Service TEA POT HERBS Chemist Finance Arranged Ballarat, Vic. reader, Mrs. Brisbane reader, Mrs. B. Smilh, 2069 Moggill Road. Quality Homes Jackson, wishes to wash inside has a problem with herb cook KENMORE. Land Available a silver teapot that has become ing, particularly with basil and stained. rosemary. Ph. 78 2512 Letting Dept. This is quite out of the Your problem can be solved question unless the teapot is by ensuring that the fat extremely large, or you, Mrs. doesn't get into rosemary. Jackson, are extremely small. Herb and basil should be 78 4122 We suggest you continue to able to co-operate because Revlon, Elizabeth Arden, wash in the bathroom along basil, essentially a sage, is with ttie rest of the family and Cyclax, Prue Acton Cosmetics assuaged by a dill called LISTINGS REQUIRED — BUYERS WAITING use the teapot for other pur angelica (friend of mar poses. joram). Thank you for your thymely query. Arthur Mitchell and John Bianchi ate Mine Hosts at Uieir For all your pharmaceutical and INN OF THE GOLDEN LION toilet requirements: 'WHERE FINE FOOD IS KING' Phone 23433 Pdwell & Stewart Downstairs, Rowes Arcade, Pharmacy Formerly 235 Edward Street, Moggill Road, Taringa. Brisbane. Rowes Restaurant, Phone: 73252 GOURMET A LA CARTE MENU Specialising in Table Cooking Prescriptions Called For, BUSINESS LUNCHEONS AND Dispensed and Delivered. PRETHEATRE DINNERS $1.75 Friday and Saturday Nights $1.95 Agents for: Your Choice of Nine Tempting Dishes Commonwealth Savings dank FULLY LICENSED CUISINE Medical Benefits Fund AIR CONDITIONED Helena Rubinstein MQN.-FRI. 11.30 - 3.00 Fweed Cosmetics MON.-SAT 5.30 • 10.00 City Council Rates & Electricity Open Till Midnight Friday - Saturday : Dream Music on the Grand Piano from 7 p.m. Dancing from 9 p-m. Use our Home Delivery Service NO MINIMUM OR COVER CHARGE Phone 73252 Page 26 THE WOAUJN'S WEAKLY—April 27—May 1, 1970 Vietnam moratorium it is important to understand that the massacre of the rural The world's most advanced society has found the answer to population of Vietnam and their forced evacuation is not an people's war: eliminate the people. accidental by-product of the war. Rather it is of the very ProfessorNoam Chomsky. M.I.T. essence of American strategy. The theory behind It has been explained with great clarity and explicltness, for example by Professor Samuel Huntington, Chairman of the Government Department at Harvard and at the time (1968) Chairman of the Council on Vietnamese Studies of the Southeast Asia Develop ment Advisory Group, in effect the State Department task force on Vietnam. Writing in Foreign Affairs, he explains that the Viet Cong is "a powerful force which cannot be dislodged "In hundreds of villages all over Southeast Asia the only people from its constituency so long as the constitisency continues to working at the grass roots for an uplift in people's living stan exist" dards are the Communists." Denis Warner of the Courier Mail, In "The Last Confucian", 1963. Our minimum demands are: Immediate withdrawal of Australian troops and repeal of the National Service Act. Groups participating include pacifists, conscientious objectors, those who think we have no right to intervene in other nation's affairs and those who believe that revolution is the only strategy to be used to end poverty, fight corrupt government, and defeat U.S. imperialism. The University has been declared open by the Campus Moratorium Committee. We invite all workers and those in educational Institutions to come to St. Lucia on Wednesday and Thursday, May 6 and 7, for discussions, folksinging and Vietnam activity. On Friday, May 8, we ask people to join us In a march into town where there will be a rally. THE WoAiHN's WEAKL\ —April 27—Mav 1,1970 Page 27 Producers and Citizens Building, 8th Floor, 160 Edward Street, Brisbane. PHONE 21 2307' TOP PRE- THE A TRE DINNER Monday-Saturday arrive 6-7 p.m. The same superlative food and service for which LEO'S is famous but at a special price. JUST $3.00 per person OTHER SPECIAL FEATURES * Terrace Garden for Private Functions. Air Conditioned * Fully Licensed. * Superb Dinner and Dance Music for your Dress: Coat and tie for dinner Entertainment. SIGHT AND SOUND HAS ARRIVED To Teach You To Touch-Type After Twelve Houriy Lessons THE SIGHT AND SOUND method was developed in England and is now used in 20 countries around the world. THIS IS THE AUTHENTIC WORLD-WIDE AUDjO VlsUAL APPROACH TO TOUCH TYPE KEYBOARD TRAINING. 25% STUDENT DISCOUNT 1'." Come to the FREE COLOUR FILM showfng.ahy Thursday at M5 p.m. in the SIGHT AND SOUND CENTRE. ;••..:•... • All keyboards .. '\\ Basic, Speed and Accuracy Courses Refresher Courses for: Computers, Typewriters, Telex, Teleprinter, Teletypesetting, Varitype, Accounting Machines, Lumitype. SIGHT AN#SOUND EDUCATION (QLD) Sth Floor, Jorobe Building, Cnr. Queen and Edward Streets, PHONE 21 6743 Brisbane.