The Speculative Grammarian Essential Guide to Linguistics
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The Speculative Grammarian Essential Guide to Linguistics Trey Jones Keith W. Slater Bill Spruiell Tim Pulju David J. Peterson Speculative Grammarian Press Washington • • Mount Pleasant • Hanover • Santa Ana © MMXIII Speculative Grammarian and the editors and authors of this book. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form by any electronic or mechanical means (including photocopying, recording, or information storage and retrieval) without written permission from the authors, except that articles may be copied for not-for-profit educational use. Speculative Grammarian, SpecGram, and all related indicia are trademarks of and © Speculative Grammarian. All previously published works are used by permission of the original authors, or were in the public domain at the time of publication. Speculative Grammarian is a virtual organization with offices, editors, and contributors worldwide. You can contact SpecGram at [email protected] or on the web at http://SpecGram.com. Speculative Grammarian Press • Washington • • Mount Pleasant • Hanover • Santa Ana East Lansing • Houston • Santa Barbara • አዲስ አበባ • • Αθήνα • Chicago • Erfurt Galveston • ᐃᖃᓗᐃᑦ • Москва • Nauru • • New Orleans • Paris • Parnell • Reykjavík Vienna • Երեւան • • תל אביב-יפו • Rome • • • ᏓᎵᏆ • თბილისი First edition published 2013. v1.003 ISBN 13: 978-0-615-84586-9 ISBN 10: 0-615-84586-X This book was typeset by Trey Jones in the Gentium, P22 Underground, and Trajan Pro font families— despite the nefarious will and ongoing sabotage of Microsoft Word. Table of Contents Preface xiii Introduction 1 Linguistics: The Scientific Study of Language 3 An Introduction to Linguistics in Haiku Form—Anonymous 3 European Linguistics in the Late 19th Century—Tim Pulju 5 Saussure and Bloomfield: The Question of Influence—Tim Pulju 8 Extract from an Interview with Eglantine Lady Fantod, Dowager Professor of 10 Philology at Cambridge University—Freya Shipley Scientific Linguistics—James Coffey and Mark Matney 12 Why Linguistics Doesn’t Care—Xerxes Yuniqqi Zikiwik 14 Reanalysis of Spanish by Naïve Linguists—Chesterton Wilburfors Gilchrist, Jr. 17 Ten New Commandments for Linguists—Transcribed from the original 19 Stone Tablets by Trey Jones The Effect of Lax Rearing Practices on Speech Patterns—Douglas S. Files 20 We ’Uns Need Us a Prescriptive Grammarian— 21 Appalachian Regional University Phonetics 23 The Itsy Bitsy Air Puff—Yune O. Hūū, II 23 Flow, Flow, Flow Your Air—Yune O. Hūū, II 24 Eating the Wind—Claude Searsplainpockets 25 Linguistics Nerd Camp (Wandering Street Phonetician)—Bethany Carlson 29 Phonetics Roadshow—Transcribed by Freya Shipley 30 Pivotal Moments in the History of Linguistics—John Miaou and Kean Kaufmann 32 Ruminating on Consonants—Werinda Clover 33 Linguistics Nerd Camp (Labiodental Articulators)—Bethany Carlson 35 Hunting the Elusive Labio-Nasal—Claude Searsplainpockets 36 Phonology 39 Letter H and N-G—Yune O. Hūū, II 39 Granular Phonology—Keith W. Slater 41 Mandarin Tone in Historical Epic Quest Perspective—Jamin Pelkey 43 The Hidden Language of Public Seduction—Claude Searsplainpockets 44 Cartoon Theories of Linguistics—Syllables—Phineas Q. Phlogiston, Ph.D. 48 Phonotronic Energy Reserves and the Tiny Phoneme Hypothesis— 49 Dr. Equus Q. Quagga Rotokan Revelations—Franny Irchow 52 viii The Speculative Grammarian Essential Guide to Linguistics Phonological Nursery Rhymes from Linguistics Land—Yune O. Hūū, II 54 There Was an Old Linguist Low, Low, Lower Your Vowels /ini˥ mini˦ maɪni˧ mo˨/ How to Speak to Foreigners— 55 Claude Searsplainpockets & Helga von Helganschtein y Searsplainpockets Shigudo, Reluctantly—Sir Edmund C. Gladstone-Chamberlain 57 Morphology 69 Baa-baa, Reduplication—Yune O. Hūū, II 70 Morphemes—A New Threat to Society—Council On Morpheme Abuse 71 Variation in the English Indefinite Article—Tim Pulju 73 Systematic Suppletion: An Investigation of Ksotre Case Marking— 76 Lawrence R. Muddybanks, Ph.D. Examination of the Raartong Language VI—The Intoxicational Affix— 81 J. S. S. van der Fort Exploring Penguin Causatives—Robert F. Scott 84 Cartoon Theories of Linguistics—Ergativity—Phineas Q. Phlogiston, Ph.D. 86 A Reanalysis of English Cat—Hoam L. E. Orange, Ph.D. 87 An Optimality-Theoretic Account of Split-Ergativity in Southern Quiznos— 90 Hans Forz What is a Morphome?—David J. Peterson 92 Pluralses: On the Use and Abuse of Multiple Plurals— 95 Edited by Trey Jones and G. Edward Johnson Syntax 97 New Speech Disorder Linguists Contracted Discovered!—Yreka Bakery 98 The Biological Basis of Universal Grammar—Maiya Sershen 99 A Taxonomy of Argument Schemata in Metatheoretic Discussions of Syntax— 102 Anonymous The BS Node: Proof That Lines Can Cross—Knotta Gnome Luvver 104 The BS Default: A Reply to Luvver—I. M. Shirley Wright 105 An Analysis of easy-Type Adjectives—A. Word 106 Toward a Universal Typology of Noun Phrases—Cynthia Polarczik 108 Infinity and Beyond: A Prolegomena—Bjorn-Bob Weaselflinger 109 Linguistics Nerd Camp (Pyramid Model)—Bethany Carlson 111 Modern and Historical Graphical Representations of Structural 113 Relationships in Spoken and Written English Sentential Utterances— Nattapoŋ Yunloŋ Seuŋyoŋ Semantics, Pragmatics, and Discourse Analysis 123 Maxims of Grice—Yune O. Hūū, II 123 What Part of ‘No’ Don’t You Understand?—Strang Burton 125 Table of Contents ix Tridekavalent Verbs of Telenovelity in Mydlovaskjí —Sú ̄nyatā Qoɣusun 126 Thurn and Taxonomies—Panini Press EuroSprachGames 128 Dup Evidentials—Tim Pulju 129 Greek Particles—R.S. Sriyatha 130 On Logophoric Pronouns—John Miaou 132 Cathartic Grecian Maxomes—Anne Thrax 133 A Meta-Analysis of Article Length vs. Quality— 136 Alfraad vonn Güügënschnëchtën & Mo d’Qi Sociolinguistics 139 The Out-of-Towner’s Lament—Bill L. Poe 139 Grey Duck or Goose?—Sven Slater and Ollie Bickford 140 A Sociolinguistic Study of Bilingualism in the Rio Grande Valley— 143 Hiroko Nakamura and Jimmy Battaglia An Introduction to Familial Linguistics—Herr E. Ditarie 145 Notes on Sociophonology—Lea Kim Shopmont 148 The Sociolinguistic Impact of Hippie Linguist Naming Practices— 150 ɹɒbɪn O’Jonesson Carcassonorant—Panini Press EuroSprachGames 153 Typology 155 Typology, Typology—Hymns for the Reverent Linguist (1845) 156 A New Basic Word Order: VOV—Arnold P. Fasnacht 157 Language Evolution and the Acacia Tree—Sean Geraint 163 Linguistic Topology—I. Juana Pelota-Grande 166 Rating the World’s Languages—Dikembe Mutombo and John Thompson 170 Re-Rating the World’s Languages— 171 Waxaklahun Ubah K’awil and José Felipe Hernandez y Fernandez Cartoon Theories of Linguistics—Non-Configurational Languages— 173 Phineas Q. Phlogiston, Ph.D. Acquiring Isolation—The Peculiar Case of Ghwüǘ b̀ — 175 Tashel M. Kaithe and Valencia R. O’Shaughnessy Comparative and Historical Linguistics 185 Beowulf ond Godsylla—Tom Weller 185 Reconstructed Proto-Franco-Sino-Indonesian—Eleven Examples—Tim Pulju 186 Progress in South American Protolinguistics—Robert Norris 187 A Reconsideration of the Sino-Kiowan Problem—Tim Pulju 189 Toward a New Classification of the European Languages—Dr. Medved Sem 192 Are Turkish and Amharic Related? Are They Ever!—April May June 194 Language Reveals Origins of Divinity—Right Reverend Michael Ramachendra 196 x The Speculative Grammarian Essential Guide to Linguistics A Reinterpretation of Some Aspects of the Indo-European Expansion— 198 William C. Spruiell Sociohistorical Linguistic Semiotics and Systemic Theory—Lynn Poulton 200 Grammaticalization in an Inflationary System of Signs—Frederic de Saucisson 202 Where Have All the Evidentials Gone?—R.M.W. Fillmore 205 The Life and Death of an Anonymous Verb—John Miaou 208 Ask Mr Linguistics Person—Mr Linguistics Person 209 A New Mechanism for Contact-Induced Change—H.D. Onesimus 211 The Linguist’s One Foundation—Hymns for the Reverent Linguist (1845) 212 Linguistic Fieldwork 215 To the Field Workers, to Make Much of Time—Robert, Earl of Herrick 216 How to Pay for Linguistic Fieldwork—The SpecGram Editorial Board 217 On the Applicability of Recent Theoretical Advances in Linguistics to the 219 Practice of Fieldwork—Elwin Ransom How to Do Fieldwork on Proto-Indo-European—Tim Pulju 219 How to Get a Reputation as an Impressive Fieldworker—Phil Dwork 220 Up the Mind’s Nose; With the Mind’s Finger—Claude Searsplainpockets 221 Eidetic Pronouns—Claude Searsplainpockets 225 The Laziest Language on Earth—Claude Searsplainpockets 227 Mid. after-Nguyen Knap—Mandy O. Chyryry 229 Classifying an Andean Language—Rodrigo Diaz 233 The Other Sino-Tibetan Languages— 236 Edited by Qing Daixia, Brad Davidley, Van Geordriem, Chap Hillerell, Hans Ingalillson, Mat Jamisoff, Ed Jerrymondson, Ben Pauledict, Hong Sunkai The XT-21 Uzi/Tape Recorder—Dirk’s Academic Supplies 237 Speakers of Klhatkp for Hire—Klhatkp Confederacy 237 !Kanga Tribal Research Resort—Terry Mulkern 238 The Prudent Fieldworker’s Guide to Preparation and Packing— 241 Professor Athanasious Schadenpoodle Linguistics Applied 249 The Learner’s Task—Keith W. Slater 250 The Narcolinguistic Effects of Professional Athletic Strikes— 251 George E. Will, Bruce Arena, Larry James Bird A Corpus-Linguistic Approach to Demography—Morten H. Albert 253 Comestible Morphosyntax—H.D. Onesimus 254 A Stratificational Approach to Making Macaroni and Cheese—Tim Pulju 257 How Many is Umpteen?—Ura Hogg 258 Valence and Violence: How Language Shapes Political Acts—Laurel L. Laura 260 Ready! Fire! Aim!— 261 François Achille Bazaine, Guy de Maupassant, Ambrose Bierce Table of Contents xi Linguistics for Lazy