Sat 3 June 2017 / 9 Sivan 5777 B”H Dr Maurice M. Mizrahi Congregation Adat Reyim Lunch and Learn

Humor in the Talmud, Part IV

Introduction

-Tanach mentions “laughter” 50 times (root: tz-cho-q) [excluding Yitzhaq] -Rabbah (4th century CE) began with a joke: Before he began his lecture to the scholars, [Rabbah] used to say something funny, and the scholars were cheered. After that, he sat in awe and began the lecture. [Shabbat 30b] -Talmud is halacha (law) + aggadah (homiletic folk stories, light stuff). Real “Talmud study” is the first only, not the second. The Netziv (19th-century Poland): The Talmud’s instructions regarding the laws of living are the primary focus. Aggadah, on the other hand, is like wine. It can make man happy, but it must be imbibed in moderation. It is destructive if it is the only source of nourishment. One who reads primarily aggadah risks misunderstanding and misrepresenting the teachings of our Sages…[Netziv, Haamek Davar, Harchev Davar on Deut. 32:4] So light stuff isn't enough and can't be called studying Talmud!

I did all this hard work for nothing?

God stops Abraham from slaying his son Isaac. Torah: And Abraham stretched out his hand, and took the knife to slay his son. And the angel of the Lord called to him from heaven, and said, “Abraham, Abraham!” And he said, “Here I am.” And [the angel] said: "Do not lay your hand on the lad, nor do anything to him..." [Gen. 22:10-12]

Why the repetition? The Midrash elaborates: And [God] said [to Abraham]: "Do not lay your hand on the lad!" [Gen. 22:12] Where was the knife [with which Abraham was about to kill Isaac]? Tears had fallen on it from the angels and dissolved it. Then [Abraham] said [to God]: Then I will strangle [Isaac]. Then [God] replied [to Abraham]: [I said:] "Do not lay your hand on the lad!" [Gen. 22:12]

1 [Abraham] pleaded: Can't I [at least cut him up some and] draw blood from him? [God] answered [Abraham]: "Nor do anything to him." [Gen. 22:12] Do not inflict ANY blemish upon him! [Genesis Rabbah 56:7]

The Zohar adds: Abraham felt distressed when the angel said to him, “Do not lay your hand upon the lad”, thinking that his offering..., his labor, his preparations and the building of the altar had all been in vain. [Zohar Bereshith 1:120b]

(I mean, I did all this hard work for nothing? Sheesh...)

If you understand, please explain it to me! :-)

Attribution is of paramount importance in the Talmud. But can be confusing: Rabbi Shim'on permits [this thing]. Rabbi Adda ben Ahabah said: May blessings alight upon the head of Rabbi Shim'on... Rabbi Hiyya ben Abba ben Nahmani reported that Rabbi Hisda said in the name of Rav (another version is: Rabbi Hisda said in the name of Ze'iri): The halachah agrees with Rabbi Shim'on. Others declare that Rabbi Hisda said: Abba ben Hanan told me that Ze'iri said: The halachah agrees with Rabbi Shim'on. But the halachah does not agree with Rabbi Shim'on. [Avoda Zara 60b]

Humility not required

Hezekiah say in the name of Rabbi Jeremiah on the authority of Rabbi Shim'on bar Yohai: “The sons of heaven [who deserve to enjoy the sight of God in the World to Come] are very few. If there are a thousand, my son and I are included. If a hundred, my son and I are included. And if only two, they are my son and me.” [Sanhedrin 97b]

Honor your mother?

Rabbi Yishmael’s mother came and complained to our rabbis [about her son]. She said to them, “Rebuke Yishmael, my son, because he does not treat me with honor.” At that moment, the faces of our rabbis turned red [with embarrassment]. They said [to themselves], “How is it possible that Rabbi Yishmael would not treat his forebears with honor?” They said to her, “What did he do to you?”

2 She said, “When he leaves the House of Study, I wish to wash his feet and drink [of the wash water afterwards], but he does not let me!” [The rabbis] said to [Rabbi Yishmael], “Since that is her wish, that is her honor, [and you should allow her to do this.” [Peah Y 6a]

Suicide by all four methods

In the 2nd century BCE, the Greeks were forcing the Jews to abandon the practice of Judaism. Rabbi Yosei ben Yoezer, President (nasi) of the Sanhedrin, was executed. His nephew, Yakum Ish Tzrorot, was an assimilationist and helped the Greeks persecute the Jews. He felt deep remorse and resolved to commit suicide: [Yakum Ish Tzrorot] went and subjected himself to all four modes of execution…: stoning, burning, sword, and strangulation. What did he do [to accomplish this]? He took a beam and stuck it in the ground, attached a rope to it, set up logs [in front of it], and built a stone wall around it. He then made a bonfire [with the logs] and stuck a sword in the middle. He then hanged himself with the rope, and while he was strangling the rope burnt through and snapped, he fell on the sword, while the wall [of stones] fell upon him and he burned [in the fire]. [Genesis Rabbah 65:22]

Rabbis with a strong sex urge

Rav and Rav Yehuda were walking along the way, and a certain woman was walking ahead of them. Rav said to Rav Yehuda: Let's quickly walk away [so that we do not remain accidentally secluded with her and sin]. [Rav Yehuda] said to him: But wasn’t it you, Master, who said that two men of good morals [such as ourselves are allowed to be secluded together with a woman]? Rav said to him: [Yes, but] who says that I was referring to you and me? [Rav Yehuda responded]: Men such as whom, then? [Rav answered]: Such as Rabbi Ḥanina bar Pappi and his colleagues [who have proven that they can withstand temptation. All others are not trusted in this matter.] [Kiddushin 81a]

What is the minimum?

The Mishna says: These are the commandments for which no definite quantity is prescribed [no minimum or maximum]: -Peah [leaving some produce for the poor during harvest], -Bikkurim [first fruit brought to the Temple], -Visits [to the Temple on the festivals],

3 -Performing acts of kindness, and -Studying Torah. [Also] Honoring father and mother… -And bringing peace between a man and his fellow. [Peah 1:1]

The Talmud says: Rabbi Berechyah asked: There are many others. Why are they not mentioned? [For example:] -The Torah says: For the ceremony of Sotah, the wife suspected of adultery, The kohen shall take... dust from the floor of the Tabernacle and put it into the [bitter] water. [Num. 5:17] How much dust must be placed in the water? -The Torah says: The ashes of the red heifer must be mixed with spring water. [Num. 19:17] How much of the ashes is required? -The Torah says: If a man dies childless, his widow must marry his brother. If he refuses, he must submit to chalitzah: The woman takes off the man’s shoe and spits on the ground before him. [Deut. 25:9] How much spittle is required? -The Torah says: To purify someone afflicted with leprosy, the kohen kills a bird and puts some of its blood in water, then sprinkles it on the diseased person seven times. [Lev. 14:5] How much blood is required? The rabbis answered: The Mishna lists only those commandments for which more is better -- increasing the amount increases the merit. Yours are not in that category. [Peah Y 2b]

What Do You Mean You Forgot?!

Even rabbis forget things: [Rabbi Yehuda HaNasi said: These things] are prohibited. I had a Scriptural text [on which I based this decision] but I have forgotten it. [Rabbi Yosei ben Shaul said: It is 2Chron. 29:19]... [Rabbi] said to him: May the blessing of Heaven be upon you for having restored my loss to me! [Avodah Zarah 52b]

Practical advice from Rabbi Hisda

Rabbi Hisda lived in Babylonia in the 4th century CE. Lived to be 92. Taught ways to preserve marriages:

-Rabbi Hisda said: The reason I am superior to my colleagues is that I married at sixteen. And if I had married at fourteen [I would have been completely free of distracting thoughts]. [Kidd. 29b-30a]

4 -Rabbi Ḥisda advised his daughters: Act modestly before your husbands. Do not eat [too much] before your husbands [so they are not disgusted by your gluttony]. Do not eat vegetables at night [because they cause bad breath]. Do not eat dates at night, nor drink beer at night [because they are laxatives]. Do not relieve yourselves where your husbands do [even in their absence]... [Remember that what is hidden is more attractive than what is displayed.] [Shabbat 140b]

-Rabbi Hisda ruled: A man is forbidden to perform his marital duty in the day-time … He might observe something repulsive in [his wife], and she would thereby become loathsome to him. [Niddah 17a]

-Rabbi Hisda said: A woman's leg is a sexual incitement. [Ber. 24a]

-[A man] should not converse with a woman in the street. Rabbi Hisda said: Even with his wife. It has been taught similarly: Even with his wife, even with his daughter, even with his sister, because not everyone knows who his female relatives are. [Ber. 43b]

-Our Rabbis taught: [During a festival] a woman may adorn herself as follows: She may [plait her hair], paint [her eyes] with kohl, fix a parting, [trim her hair and nails], and put rouge on her face. Some say she may use a razor for her private parts. Rabbi Hisda's wife made her toilet in front of her daughter-in-law [to teach her what is proper]. Rabbi Hina bar Hinena said to Rabbi Hisda: Surely all this applies only to a young woman, but not to an elderly woman. Rabbi Hisda said to him: God! Even to your mother, even to your mother's mother, yea, even if she is standing at the [brink of the] grave! [Moed Katan 9b]

If it’s me, it’s different!

Rav Yehudah allowed applying medicine to the eye on Shabbat. Rabbi Shmuel said: [No!] He who acts according to Rav Yehudah profanes Shabbat. After some time, he himself had a sore eye. He asked Rav Yehudah: “So, is it permitted or forbidden?” [Rav Yehudah replied:] “To everyone else it is permitted, but to you it is forbidden.” [Avodah Zarah 28b]

Wake up!

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Rabbi [Yehudah HaNasi] was once lecturing and his audience became drowsy. In order to rouse them, he said: “One woman in Egypt gave birth to 600,000!” A student by the name of Rabbi Ishmael ben Rabbi Yosei asked him: “Who was she?” He replied: “It was Yocheved, mother of Moses. Moses was equivalent to the 600,000 Israelites [who left Egypt].” [Song of Songs Rabbah 1:65]

The Talmudic mind

Not in Talmud, but about Talmud: -After months of negotiation with the authorities, a Talmudist from Odessa was granted permission to visit Moscow. He boarded the train and found an empty seat. At the next stop a young man got on and sat next to him. -The scholar looked at the young man and thought: This fellow doesn't look like a peasant, and if he isn't a peasant he probably comes from this district. If he comes from this district, then he must be Jewish because this is, after all, a largely Jewish district. -On the other hand, if he is a Jew, where could he be going? I'm the only Jew in our district who has permission to travel Moscow. Ah, but just outside Moscow there is a little village called Samvet, and Jews don't need special permission to go there. But why would he be going to Samvet? He's probably going to visit one of the Jewish families there. But how many Jewish families are there in Samvet? Only two - the Bernsteins and the Steinbergs. The Bernsteins are up in years, so a nice-looking young fellow like him must be visiting the Steinbergs. -But why is he going? The Steinbergs have only daughters, so maybe he's their son-in-law. But if he is, then which daughter did he marry? They say that Sarah married a nice lawyer from Budapest, and Esther married a businessman from Zhitomer, so it must be Sarah's husband. Which means that his name is Alexander Cohen, if I'm not mistaken. -But if he comes from Budapest, with all the anti-Semitism they have there, he must have changed his name. What's the Hungarian equivalent of Cohen? Kovacs. -But if they allowed him to change his name, he must have some special status. What could it be? A doctorate from the University. -At this point the scholar turns to the young man and says, “How do you do, Dr Kovacs?” “Very well, thank you, sir,” answered the startled passenger. “But how do you know my name?” And the Talmudist replied, “Oh, it was obvious.”

Lying for the sake of peace is allowed

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Aaron, Moses' brother, was a lover of peace. He even lied to achieve peace, witness this story: When two people had a dispute, Aaron went and sat near one of them and said to him: “My son, see what your friend is doing? He is beating his heart and tearing his clothing saying: “Woe is me. How can I lift up my eyes and look at my friend. I am ashamed of myself since I was the one who offended him.” Aaron would sit with him until he removed the hatred from his heart. Aaron would then go and sit next to the other and say to him: “My son, see what your friend is doing? He is beating his heart and tearing his clothing saying: “Woe is me. How can I lift up my eyes and look at my friend. I am ashamed of myself since I was the one who offended him.” Aaron would sit with him until he removed the hatred from his heart. When the two met, they would they hugged and kissed each other. [Avot D’Rabbi Nathan 12:3]

Says who?

A Persian came to Rav and said to him, “Teach me the Torah.” He [agreed, and, pointing to the first letter], told him, “Say aleph.” The man remarked, “Who says this is aleph”? There may be others who say that it is not!” [Rav said,] “Say beth”. [The Persian] replied, “Who says this is beth?” Rav rebuked him and drove him out in anger. He went to Shmuel and said to him, “Teach me the Torah.” He told him, “Say aleph”. The man remarked, “Who says this is aleph?” [Shmuel said,] “Say beth”. [The Persian] replied, “Who says this is beth?” The teacher [firmly] took hold of his ear and the man exclaimed, “My ear! my ear!” Shmuel asked him, “Who said this is your ear?” He answered, “Everybody knows this is my ear”, And the teacher retorted, “In the same way, everybody knows this is aleph and that is beth”. Immediately the Persian was silenced and accepted the instruction. [Eccl R 7:16]

Only for the sake of Israel!

[One day, God will gather all the nations to judge them.] -The Kingdom of Edom [that is, Rome] will enter first before Him... The Holy One, blessed be He, will then say to them: With what have you occupied yourselves? They will reply: “O Lord of the Universe, we have established many marketplaces, we have erected many baths, we have accumulated much gold and silver, and all this we did only for the sake of Israel, that they might [have time] to study the Torah.”

7 The Holy One, blessed be He, will say in reply: “You foolish ones among peoples! All that which you have done, you have done only to satisfy your own desires. You have established marketplaces for courtesans; baths, to revel in them...” They will then depart crushed in spirit. -On the departure of the Kingdom of Rome, Persia will step forth. The Holy One, blessed be He, will ask of them: “With what have you occupied yourselves?” And they will reply: “Sovereign of the Universe, we have built many bridges, we have captured many cities, we have waged many wars, and all this for the sake of Israel, that they might [be free to] engage in the study of Torah.” -Then the Holy One, blessed be He, will say to them: “You foolish ones among peoples! You have built bridges in order to extract toll, you have subdued cities, so as to impose forced labor...” They, too, will then depart crushed in spirit... [Avodah Zarah 2b]

Conclusion

Contemporary rabbi Aryeh Kaplan was once asked if there are any jokes in the Talmud. He replied, “Yes, but they are all old.”

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